#maybe it'll be an add-in later if i have the motivation

[smallerdelusions]

Dinovember Day 16: Deinonychus

guess who read the prompt wrong and drew the wrong dinosaur! it's too late at night to change it now so you get a Deinonychus instead of a Deinocheirus! in my defense i am very tired

[valleeslunaires]

𝐝𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞? 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞? 𝐦𝐲 𝐯𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭

ps: if you practice loa but has ur own religion and don't feel comfortable when talked about you being God and all that, please leave right now! this post is not for you!

WARNING: HARSH WORDS ARE WRITTEN DOWN HERE! GO ON BUT I DON'T WANNA HATE ON THE COMMENTS LATER IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH WHAT IT'S BEEN TALKED, AS I WARNED IT'S MY POINT OF VIEW!

i've talked about this recently here in a motivation way, now i'll comment my pov about it.

EIYPO = everything is you pushed out!

got it? so this belief of existing a right time, divine time isn't real! And i'll explain why:

it doesn't make sense y'know, you say you're ur own God, that you decide everything, then you come with this talking of divine time? right time? girl if u really believe you decide everything... there isn't anything else in the world that can decide when is the right time for YOU to get what YOU want in YOUR reality! Period.

cuz you said you're God, you control ur reality, u can get anything... then you come saying things were late cuz of divine time? YOU decided there was a divine time! YOU decide there is a right time for things! YOU decide you don't wanna get ur desire right now because there is a right time for everything! YOU DECIDE EVERYTHING!

time isn't a thing in the LOA. You're inventing an obstacle for yourself... and for what?

Cuz that seems to me you can't handle having the power to control ur life so you wanna believe there is something else in the world above you! Above everything because you're scared, that is YOU creating excuses!

You're scared of failing so you wanna believe there is something else out there so you can hold on when you fail, you're so scared you need an excuse when that happens!

Because it will... if you think you WILL fail, you WILL fail!

there's no such thing as divine time... YOU created this "divine time".

well at least in the law of ASSUMPTION cuz i was once part of law of ATRACTION and they believed on right time for things, they didn't (MOST OF THE TIME) assume they HAD it... they assumed they WOULD HAVE it! they even criticized people's music taste saying it'd affect their manifestation!

but don't feel guilty about it! don't feel guilty cuz you believed on this thing about divine time cuz i once believed too! i was raised in a very religious family where anything that happened was God's will (they still think this way) so it's natural for us to grow up with that mindset... while some of us might have heard about it on other different ways. It's alright, you can change that mindset...

i also must add... having limited beliefs don't stop of you of getting ur desire, but I BELIEVE it makes it accomplish later! here im introducing MY point of view!

so to close this theme... there is no such thing as divine time! You create ur own reality, so if you say and believe and live on that words that there's no right time and only YOUR TIME... there will be no time.

This also works for the opposite! You believe and LIVE in that belief? It's done! For good and bad things!

Stop projecting a divine time that doesn't exist and start living the life you've always dreamed of! Instead of checking the 3D and then creating excuses for ur desire get accomplished too late!

(my post about letting go of the 3D, maybe it'll help u)

[disgruntleddemon]

since i've been drawing Ford and McGucket so much lately, i figured i'd try and do some proper refs for them. i mean, even with this, my designs aren't 100% in stone, but i think it'll be helpful anyway.

Fiddleford is first up for a ref! i'll do Ford later (and possibly more characters if i get the motivation) he's a tricky one to figure out with his face and nose shape. i'm still not entirely sure how to translate his chin as a dog lol.

i ended up giving him hazel eyes cause i couldn't decide between green and brown. might change it later. i cannot imagine young McGuck with blue eyes tho (apparently those are somewhat cannon??) i could buy blue eyes as a side effect of using the gun too much tho. anyway, not much to say on his young design.

the second design is post society of the blind eye, cause i like giving him the green glasses. means i don't have to worry about eye color or face patterns lol.

the bald spot on his tail was a recent thing i wanted to add. if i'm drawing him as a dog, might as well do stuff with it, and i definitely think he's develop gnawing on his tail as a bad habit. it's hard to figure how to draw a bald character as a dog, but i think he turned out pretty decent. maybe i'll give him a literal bald head under the hat ghjhjk

last design is post cannon. i mostly added some little things i've seen other people do and liked. Mabel going nuts decorating his beard is SO cannon to me. and i find the idea of McGucket refusing to wear any shoes beyond flip flops or sliders to be pretty funny tbh. really main difference is he's slowly starting to take better care of himself now

individual pics under the cut:

[coridallasmultipass]

brocal for the ship bingo?

The OTP to end all other OTPs... (Man. This wound up being basically Cori's Masterpost of BroCal. AKA... this got long and has some images, since I realized I can post my own art directly instead of just a text link to it lol.)

Wasn't actually expecting this to wind up with a bingo? But I got basically 2?? (Will explain the lighter heart later.) This is A LONG post, and definitely gonna get SUGGESTIVE, bc man, am I obSESSED with BroCal. I'm just gonna go thru each checked box, since I don't know how else to structure this post lol.

Read More to save ppl's dashboards:

I want them to make out with blood: OKAY. I HAVE A WHOLE THING PLANNED FOR THIS CONCEPT. I AM NOT GOING TO GO INTO DETAIL ABOUT IT JUST YET BC I ACTUALLY WANNA WRITE IT. I'm obsessed with this one fanart of Bro licking Lil Cal, and it spurred on an idea I outlined and really wanna write: https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/739969858334294016/hiiii-mutual-i-am-secrecy-asking-if-u-have-anymore

((Sorry for the plain text links, Tumblr app is NOT cooperating with me right now to add hyperlinks. I'd post the image directly if that one was mine.))

Basically, I just really need to see Bro and Cal making out with blood in their mouths, and I started a whole convoluted, unrelated outline in order to make that hapen. It'll probably just be a really short thing that ends at the uh climax, since otherwise it's gonna end up sadstuck. And I don't like sadstuck lol.

Undeniably t4t: Bro and Dirk are always trans for me, and Lil Cal's got that uh... what percentage did I calculate it out to be? 13% of Dirk is in Lil Cal [ My shitpost calculations: https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/746702663327072256/i-ran-out-of-tags-rambling-about-this-so-im-just ] so Lil Cal is at least 13% trans because of that much of Dirk being in him, plus however you feel about the other components being trans. LMAO this is ridiculous to type out. Moving on.

EDIT: FUTURE CORI INTERJECTING WITH A:

"Lil Cal Top Surgery Healing Progess: Day 1"

Terrible for each other affectionate/derogatory: I don't even know where the affectionate/derogatory split occurs. I multiship BroCal as both Bro/normal puppet Lil Cal and as Bro/evil juju puppet Lil Cal, and whatever combination in between or outside of that. Terrible in that Bro is so obsessed with Cal that he doesn't have normal relationship/social skills and uses Lil Cal as both a crutch and motivator alternately, in a terrible cycle, or maybe rather... spiral. And also terrible in that Bro is caught in the allure of playing the role of puppeteer while also being a puppet for the darker parts of Lil Cal, whether he actively knows it or not. (Honestly though, I feel like it's dismissive if you try to blame all of Bro's faults on Lil Cal like this tho, which is why I tend towards liking Lil Cal as just a regular puppet a lil bit more. Or at least, a regular mildly supernatural puppet since that can be a little more entertaining if Cal can get into mischief while no one's looking or give off the vibes of his mood more directly, rather than like entirely inanimate or 'just LE, trapped in a puppet body.' Again, I like all of these concepts.) ((I mean that can also be a whole post of its own, like, by the time Bro gets ahold of Lil Cal, are any of the other components still alive in there? Like, are ARquius and Gamzee still in there or did Caliborn kill and consume them entirely? Idk how it works, man. This is why I like Lil Cal as his own person, maybe just influenced by the feelings of the others. LaCroix: CalGamARquius essenced water. Lil Croix.))

They need to get weirder with it: YES YES. 1000% YES. I need entirely shameless Bro doing entirely shamless things to Lil Cal. I want them inseparable and doing unspeakable things to each other. I want Bro taking full advantage of Cal having a puppet body and all the intimacy that comes with making repairs and being elbow-deep in stuffing.

Playing with them like dolls cute/psychological torture: This is the same divide as with the 'terrible for each other' point, so I'm just gonna go with the cute one, since the torture one is self-explanatory. I want them fucking married. Like. Full mushy cute romance type of relationship that Bro has never felt for any of the people in his life (cough aromantic cough). I made this comic not too long ago, and I often fondly look back on it, because I adore the concept of Bro being lovey and romantic and everything out of character around Lil Cal because he feels safe and loved and comfortable around Cal:

[ https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/750602227910131712/brocal-4-lyfe-so-i-had-this-idea-of-dave-being ]

I made a post a long, long time ago (not gonna link that one bc it was personal and I was being very obviously mentally ill ["C'mon, like you're not being obviously mentally ill while typing paragraph upon paragraph about BroCal still in 2024 like 10 years later??" Fair.]) But the gist of it was that, like, having objectophilia or objectum sexuality is like, from an outsider pov, it's a way to express love to yourself. You filter all your self-hate through the object you love, and you get back unconditional love in return.

Lil Cal is never gonna hate Bro, no matter what Bro does. As a regular puppet, Lil Cal doesn't have the capacity for hate. And so that only brings them closer, since Cal is never gonna reject Bro for any reason. (Back to being a crutch. RSD is real, and Dave is probably a big trigger for that since he's not on the same wavelength of weird as Bro [not blaming Dave, obviously, this is a post about BroCal].) Bro can experience receiving positive attention from Lil Cal, without feeling 'fake' or uncool by expressing that same attention or affection directly to his own self. (Things are always done through multiple layers with the Striders, aren't they?) ((And I'm not saying Lil Cal doesn't love Bro, or that their relationship is just pretend - it's real, I'm just like, 'What's going on behind the curtain in the mundane situation?/ How is the relationship appealing?' Lil Cal luvs Bro 5eva 4 lyfe and that's a hard fact. Could cut diamonds with that shit.)) Example: maybe Bro is dealing with a bout of body/gender dysphoria and is trying to take out his frustration with working out, and it's not helping, even if he's powered through a set better than normal. Then, he notices the way Lil Cal is watching him, and he can feel the excitement seeping off Cal. He can sense the echoes of a wolf-whistle ring out through his mind, and it's like. Okay, none of that shit from before matters, he's got all the validation he needs right there in Lil Cal. Maybe flex in Cal's direction, Bro?

Oh, so back to being cute: isn't it wonderful how the template maker phrased it as 'playing dolls'? But yeah, I want all the mush and everything. Bro has a whole wardrobe for Lil Cal for every minor event that occurs in the Strider household. I want them going on genuine dates. Maybe even... holding hands. Bro blushes for the first time since he was 16. He even gets to take Lil Cal with him when he goes out to DJ or put on a show. Not to mention the whole website business. (I've talked about Cal's role in that before, but I'll mention it in a moment...)

They will die in a heart shaped pool of blood: I mean, kinda did happen, even tho Lil Cal didn't perma die right there. I don't think this one needs any explanation, since it basically happens in canon.

'You should see the other guy...': Okay, so. About 11 years ago, I had a really great idea. About how smuppets enter this world. I expanded on it in the following more-recent post (adult only content lol): https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/741683686717669376/back-in-the-day-my-friends-called-me-insane-when-i

To sum it up, whenever Bro makes a new smuppet design, he then gives it a video debut on his website, where uh, Lil Cal births the smuppet like it's a horror movie scene, fake blood and poly-fil gore all over the place as the smuppet crawls out from the viscera. Bro then gets to play aftercare by lovingly and gently cleaning up and restuffing Lil Cal as they get to admire their new creation and rake in the dough lol.

So it's technically not a 'you should see the other guy' kinda situation, but it does involve one of them being... idk what word would describe it. Injured by the other? Usually a character loses a fight and says this to act like they got out of it better than the other guy, but... We could have someone knock on the door during the filming of a scene like that, and Bro has to answer it with fake blood up to his elbows, and be like 'You should see the other guy.' (But obviously, that's a terrible idea and would cause more trouble than it's worth... Maybe worth it for a persistent door to door salesperson, though.)

Though, I guess I should also say, I'm not opposed to Bro beating on Lil Cal in or out of the bedroom. Or in the case of animate Lil Cal, Cal choking out Bro. In or out of the bedroom, lol. Depends on the situation, like I said I will ship this ship any which way. But my preference for animate Lil Cal is to be like a totally normal puppet around Bro (or mushy in-love with Bro) and then evil-murder-puppet towards anyone else in Bro's life, like a... toxic yaoi guard puppet. (New Phrase Achievement Unlocked!) Bro brings home another guy to have sex, who tries to stay the night due to the late hour, but the guy wakes up shortly after to see Lil Cal standing there with a knife in the dark, eyes glowing red. Panic ensues when the guest screams and freaks out, and by the time Bro's got a light on, grabbing his sword, ready for a ninja vs ninja fight (bc an intruder would've had to bypass all the traps), Lil Cal is just innocently splayed across the desk chair, no knife in sight. Relevant post (well, the caption on the post too, saying how Bro can't seem to hold onto any relationships besides Lil Cal):

[ https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/741830516962164736/i-want-you-so-youre-mine-always-selfishly ]

Uh, lol, also Cal choking out Bro in the bedroom, adult only drawing: https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/754328907438800896/i-wouldnt-wanna-be-my-ex-when-he-found-out-who

Thinking about them always and forever: Listen. My Tumblr as proof, I've had BroCal on the brain for at least 11 years at this point. Definitely longer, since I first started reading Homestuck. I fucking love puppets and dolls and plushies and I always have. Man, if I hadn't deleted Tweets (automated app I used to do, and I couldn't choose what to save) from when I was in high school, you could've seen me @ ing my fave band when they were taking lyric suggestions on a fan-inspired album, where I was telling them 'make a song where the theme is puppets' and, while I don't know if they saw that or took the suggestion (they had responded to me before bc they weren't huge yet), there is indeed a song titled "Puppets" on that album, and it was my favourite song on there. Point is, I was fated to ship BroCal before I even knew it existed.

Sicko 2 sicko communication: I mean, does this even need explaining? Bro and Cal aren't just on the same wavelength of freaky, they're the fucking source of the wavelength, and it's causing a feedback loop between them. And it does as feedback does, which is, it amplifies with time. (Going back to the spiral symbolism here, lol.) ((Actually, time can play a symbol here, too, I guess, but idk how to word it, I'm starting to run out of steam.))

Let them have a happy ending: God, I need this so badly. I know Bro's story ends in Homestuck, but like. Pls. Someone needs to officiate their wedding. Currently placing the dreambubble order, but I can't organize a wedding by myself. OH speaking of. In that lil comic I did above, where Bro is accepting Lil Cal's proposal, I had the Natural Born Killers wedding scene in mind. I was gonna draw that as a follow up, but I think I have too many WIPs going. Just two people on the run, saying "I do" in a scenic but completely ordinary roadside location. Idk why, I keep going back to that movie for things related to Bro (I mention it in a very important scene in a longer WIP I've been writing, as something Bro watched and internalized as a kid lol.) It's not the best movie lol. Anyway.

The devotion omg: I feel like I have already gotten my point across about this, but let me reiterate:

[ https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/735842968450269184/in-the-name-of-iconic-magical-girl-anime-ill ]

Bro and Lil Cal absolutely beat the shit outta Jack Noir before he gets prototyped. And even then, they fight together till the death, like. C'mon. Nothing more romantic than fighting a losing battle side by side. Also, like, Lil Cal having his own protective chest for safekeeping as seen in the Strider living room? Like, you don't just have a protective case for any old thing, especially something meant to be handled, especially something that is regularly used to smack other things/humans. What I'm saying is, Lil Cal is durable and resilient, and yet, Bro still has a case for transporting Cal safely. Oh, wait, I just thought of something funny, what if Lil Cal goes feral like a cat, and basically the chest is like a cat carrier so Bro can drive without being constricted lmaoooo, I've been typing for hours can you tell?

Kind of homophobic: Listen. I HAD a Cal. Took him to college. Staked my claim on the top bunk bc I am royalty. Proceeded to not have anywhere to set my water cup and had to use a cardboard box as a table up there. Spilled water. Melted Cal's sharpie-drawn face. And then proceeded to cry. I have a WIP of Lil Cal 2, but that requires actually remembering to work on him. I wanna do better by the pattern, too, since I rushed to finish the first. I have all the material! I have the project started! So it's just a matter of reordering my WIP priorities, honestly.

Where is all the fucking content?!: For realzz. I was actually venting about this the other day (didn't end up posting it), but it's like, either there's no BroCal content, or there IS BroCal content, but I can't reblog it for reasons I don't want to get into on this post. I'm dying of thirst in the ocean, basically. Whatever. This just means I need to make more BroCal content myself, which I am more than happy to do. I've just had a rough past few months, so I'm glad I got to type all this post out, and hopefully I can get back to creating soon.

Last one! I hope this one makes up for the absurd length of the post, it's prob my new fave idea I just came up with on the spot.

[TW drink spiking by a stranger mentioned in this.]

Committing atrocities as their silly little activities: I think we all know what this means, but I am going to ignore that elephant with my special x-ray vision. Because this is a BroCal post. I'm digging deep to the meat and bones of this. Honestly, this could go multiple routes, it depends on how you take your Lil Cal.

One could place emphasis on the 'guard' part of the, ahem ahem, toxic yaoi guard puppet. Maybe someone is actually trying to harm Bro, and Bro legit can't do anything for reasons outside of his control - let's say his drink got spiked a while after he invited a stranger home that he thought was chill. As Bro gets shoved down on the futon, his memory of the night is only a few flickers. Familiar orange plush, roiling around above him like a dancing windsock. Flashes of Lil Cal's face all distorted and stretched wide like a funhouse. J-Lo and Ice Cube on the TV. But when Bro is finally able to fully wake up in the morning, everything is as if he just got home alone last night and passed out on the futon. Cal looks totally normal and content tucked under Bro's warm arm. Except when Bro gets up, there is a pair of shoes too big to belong to him at the door. Maybe Bro knows. Maybe instinct tells him to run. Maybe he does, but he's running towards Lil Cal, every time.

[bettsfic]

Desolately need a teacher’s perspective. If you feel comfortable can you way in on this:

I’m thinking of switching to English with a writing concentration because I love reading and learning about writing. However, I’m worried about a few things:

1. People keep saying there are no jobs for English majors

2. I’m worried that reading and writing in my academic life, may either crush my love for it in my personal life(e.g. bad professors or students who rip you to shreds(so not constructive criticism really))or cause me to be too burnt out to read or write on my own time.

Sorry just to add (in regards to my question about being an English major): I’m terribly afraid that my writing voice may change into something inauthentic when takings certain writing courses in this major.

these are all good and difficult questions.

to start, there are as many jobs for english majors as there are for anyone else. except maybe, idk, engineering or nursing or something. and if engineering or nursing are things you enjoy *almost* as much as english, then that might be a good option. but an english degree will qualify you for any basic office job and also jobs in publishing, copywriting, copyediting, media and communications, and a whooole lot of other things. publishing is a nightmare, yes, but not more so than most other industries. and with the right amount of hustle, freelance copywriting can be an extremely lucrative profession. if you're willing to move to LA or NYC, there will be many, many opportunities available to you. they might not be good opportunities, and you might not succeed all the time, but you'll make do. personally i think it's better to spend 4 years (and a lot of money) learning something intrinsically valuable to you and risk a more unstable job market than it is to slog through 4 years in a subject you're less passionate about but that has a clearer career trajectory.

more importantly, your major doesn't matter nearly as much as it might seem. what matters is completing the degree to the best of your ability and learning to apply the knowledge you obtain to multiple fields. as much as some people would have you believe, you can't predict or plan for your entire future. you can only honor yourself and your interests in the present.

but that's english. creative writing is a different beast. i don't recommend majoring in creative writing unless you need the motivation of a hard deadline. it doesn't open more doors for you than an english degree does, and very very few cw professors get adequate training in creative pedagogy. a good professor is great, but a bad professor can ruin writing for you for a long time. unlike an english degree which is a medium risk for a big reward, a cw focus is a high risk for a medium reward. if you're already writing on your own time for your own fulfillment, that's more important than writing for a class.

you're right about a cw degree changing your voice into something inauthentic, and you're right about it damaging your creative motivation. both of those things have some benefits, though: when you adapt your voice into something it's not, later it'll snap back into an even stronger version of what you're doing now; and being forced to write for certain assignments will offer discipline so that you learn to write well even when you're uninspired and unmotivated.

regardless, all of that is better suited for an MFA. 4 years reading, 2-3 years writing. that will get you the education you're looking for and you'll be spending that time doing work you enjoy. i don't recommend going straight to the MFA after the BA, but people do that all the time anyway. the MFA will pay you so you won't go into any additional debt, and you'll gain teaching experience to boot (i do not recommend any programs you have to pay a single cent for unless you're filthy rich and bored). you'll write a thesis and go on to begin a life of words, be it reading the words of other people or writing your own.

so spend this time reading stuff and thinking about the stuff you read, writing some original work for a writing sample, and maybe sending that work out to some magazines. go meet with the creative writing faculty at your university and ask these questions to them as well. they'll give it to you straight about what your specific university's program is like and what it can offer you. even if you don't focus in cw, there are probably a ton of other extracurricular cw opportunities available to you, like working at the undergrad lit mag or attending readings.

[ask-the-prose]

Hi. I’m the anon who asked about subtle complexity in relationships. How would you go about depicting a love / hate relationship, if one character is trying to repress their more positive feelings towards the other because it’s easier to just hate them. I imagine the characters as either ex lovers or ex friends (undecided on which) if that makes a different

Howdy anon! Thanks for the extra question :) it does provide a little more guidance for what you're looking for. I can only give you my opinion, so feel free to take what you want and leave what you don't!

This is another one of those cases where contradictions can really bring a lot of depth to the characters and your story. Think about the contradictions in loving someone that you want to hate! Lots of complexity there, and having characters do things that contradict what they say can really put that complexity on display.

Romantic and platonic relationships like that are complicated, and when you're looking at it from an outside perspective, reading between the lines will tell you a lot. As a writer, you need to know what you want your readers to see between those lines.

A character suppressing positive feelings towards another character may say nasty things to the other character, but still make kind gestures or do things to help them. Attention to detail will help you as the writer.

Example: Character A may go on a long tirade about how irritating Character B is to Character C in line to get everyone coffee, but when Character C asks what they should get Character B, Character A has the correct answer.

Your reader will pick up on these clues! You don't need to worry about not being obvious enough.

Also, think about what exactly about the love interest/ex may attract the character. Is it the same as what repulses them? That could add complexity too. Maybe Character A thinks that Character B's kindness is fake, or even just irritating. But when B shows A that same kindness, it's endearing.

Your characters are likely going through changes throughout the plot of the story, so it would make sense that their opinions about each other shift as things change. Maybe Character A starts off disliking Character B for a trait they thought they disliked, and over the course of the trials of the plot, they begin to appreciate B's traits as attractive. Or, if you're looking for angst, vice versa.

This can get more complex with exes, maybe A and B had a falling out over something important at the time and it turned out to be unimportant later. That brings up extra baggage and pain. And if your characters are stubborn, it'll take more than just clarification to make the positive feelings outweigh the residual negative feelings.

Ultimately, you are the writer, and so your best tool is internal knowledge of all the characters. I like to experiment with perspective to utilize this tool. Character B may exhibit these behaviors, and Character A may interpret them differently, but you, as the writer, get to know all the motivations and intentions for everyone. Not only that, but you get to decide if your reader gets that internal knowledge as well! Play with perspective, play with dialogue, and play with contradictions, and see where that leads you. You may find a wealth of tension and complexity hidden right under your nose.

--Indy

[xitty]

Famitsu has an interview with the Enstars staff members who came up with the idea of Ensemble Training and it has a lot of fun information. Here are some things from the interview summarized:

It was an idea from the lead illustrator and graphic designer who at first talked about a dietary app featuring Knights but it later changed to exercise because they felt diet app was too complex and not easy to add a concept of working together to be more healthy to. The lead illustrator made a proposal of it and found other staff members who were interested in helping her. At some point there was also talk of adding some romancing aspect into the game but that was discarded. (Phew!!)

They talked about it in late 2020 but the work began in March 2022. Originally they wanted to release it with Butou-kai shuffle but it was not ready yet at that point. It also wasn't originally meant as April Fool's content but then they thought it'd get a lot of attention that way. And they were right! They got more downloads than they anticipated when the app launched.

Also, it was kept approachable to everyone not only by keeping it completely free (and it'll stay without any paid content they promised) but also making sure everyone could do the exercises. The staff members who came up with the idea aren't athletic, so they tested the exercises could be done by non-trained people. They had both a professional gym trainer and Enstars staff who did muscle training to help with planning the exercises and programmes.

And lolol, the reason the day in-app changes at 4 am is because many staff members are nightowls so daily reset at 12 midnight felt too tough. Haha, I feel you. (But wait, does that mean some of them are exercising in the middle of the night??)

They had been thinking it's boring and hard to stay motivated to do exercises if you just watch videos or have to go somewhere to exercise. And that you want to be praised and encouraged. So they wrote idols giving you a lot of positive feedback. And that's why for example Izumi who's usually quite rude, sounds kinder in the app. They wanted them to tell you you're doing a good job and give you little cheers during exercises (so no demon instructor Yuzuru dlc, sorry everyone). They also wrote the characters as they would be acting in interviews or promotional settings, so even those who do not normally speak very politely, are using more keigo. Kanata got specially edited lines because he talks so slow haha.

It's so true the idols telling you good job and to keep up helps. <3

Also, they thought that maybe the voice actors would be a little bit confused about suddenly asked to be gym instructors, so they filmed an example video for the VAs to explain/show it since the game animation was still in progress. Awww!

The characters got more lines and animations than they originally planned. At first there was no instructors introducing themselves before exercises but as they created animations and lines for the four trainers (Ibara, Adonis, Izumi and Mitsuru), they thought it'd be fun to see the other characters animated and talking more too. Originally there would've just been the chibi character screen. I'm glad they decided to expand it! They were first warned that they can't have too many special animations but in the end they included all they asked for (for example Ibara's salute). And they put a lot of care into Wataru's ponytail animation!! <3

Such a passion project. I'm glad HappyEle supported their idea and let them make it into a real app. I'm again thinking that HappyEle/Cacalia CEO interview where he said he's letting the employees do what they love and want to do.

[kirchefuchs]

so @an-t-hiho (previously known as @/ann-aha) and I have been screaming at each other in our dms discussing a few things abt lmk

and we have both agreed that there should be an AU where Wukong doesn't completely Screw Things Up between he and Macaque and they both end up tormenting being mentors to MK

(forgive me for not knowing/maybe not remembering a ton of things abt Wukong's past bUT I heard from somewhere that in JTTW the Tang guy from the past completely tortures him with that crown thing?? hoping to use that as some sort of motivation but uhhhh hEY I do not know a lot abt JTTW so um. ahem. unless if you have some spare knowledge to give us, we're just gonna make stuff up as Ant and I hyperfixate about this soon-to-be AU we're planning on making)

bUT. but. but. we have plans™. and it's not just me this time who's thinking of these ideas (but it'll definitely just be me raising your inbox cuz Ant's still too nervous to do that) cuz now he and I are in the same fandoms for once in. like. uh. (checks calendar) ...a few months–

SO. I might send an ask again regarding our ACTUAL ideas (aaaand maybe Ant will reblog and/or add smthn a few hours after?? not too sure but knowing him he just might) AND you're gonna deal with it again /lh /silly

(I also might post about it. maybe. probably won't but just. mmmmmmaybe I dunno actually shdhdh OKAY BYEE)

(this also may or may not have been inspired by that one piece of fanart with P!Wukong saying smthn along the lines of "Do you really think you mean so little to me that I'd just kill you just like that?" and P!Macaque saying smthn in return like "You didn't exactly make it difficult for me to think that way," but, yk, I'll probably find it again–)

— 🅰️non CH🅰️Y || Oct. 20 2023

This ended up so much longer than I anticipated ( ﾟAﾟ )

Okay okay okay I need to explain a lil thing real quick. Tang Sanzang (Tripitaka) did not torture Wukong, at least not intentionally. There was a really good post about it somewhere on here, but I cant seem to find it so I'll explain what I can.

First off, Tripitaka was the main character of the story, and while he had some flaws (ex: listening to Bajie too much), he was a good man, and would never want to torture any of his deciples, no matter how annoying they'd get. He's a Buddhist monk afterall, there's a whole no violence thing.

The golden circlet/crown was given to Tripitaka by Guanyin to act as a way to punish Wukong for things he does wrong. Think about it for a moment. Remember, Wukong was just released from under a mountain after terrorizing the entire celestial realm, becoming 7 times immortal (I think it was that many), fighting all the celestial armies, peeing on Buddah's hand. After being released, Wukong promptly killed a tiger and skinned it so he could use the skin as clothes.

SO YEAH, obviously Tripitaka would take her up on a crown that would give the monkey really bad headaches!!! (Reciting a specific scripture I forgot makes the crown shrink, but it doesn't kill Wukong because he's very super immortal).

Now the thing is, yes, he did use the spell on Wukong multiple times when Wukong had done nothing wrong, but a lot of those were because Bajie told him Wukong did something wrong, or he just didn't have all the facts. Now, I haven't read the Journey to the West either, and most of my knowledge comes from the Overly Sarcastic Productions videos summarizing the story (which you should watch, btw), so I dont have all the facts, nor do I have a perfect knowledge of the parts of the story I do know, however I am confident that Tripitaka did not intentionally tourture or abuse Wukong. I mean, Wukong cut off his own head once for fun, so idk what else to say, my guy.

Do I think that using the migrane spell is the most moral thing to do? No. Was the spell the only way to get Wukong to cooperate? At the very start, very possibly yes. Later? I'mnot sure. Is Tripitaka a bad guy for using it as much as he does? No, he didn't know better. Are the Wukong girlies wayyy to obsessed with angst? Yes, so very much. I fear for them.

It was not the point of the story for Tripitaka to be abusive. The story was meant to be symbolic. Each of the pilgrims symbolized a part of a person. Tripitaka was the heart, Wukong the mind, Zhu Bajie the body, Bai Longma the will, and Sha Wujing the emotions. (There are some lovely people on this hellsite who can explain the symbolism better than me, so you can go look into that if it interests you.)

All in all, every one of the pilgrims were pretty stupid (affectionate) in their own ways, and I hate seeing people hate on Tripitaka soecifically when the story is so ridiculous a lot of the time. I just love these silly little guys, and I think we need to remember that they are very silly. Tripitaka never meant to be cruel to Wukong just as in lmk Wukong and Macaque never meant to be cruel to each other in their past. All these idiots are pretty bad at communicating, and Tripitaka is incredibly socially awkward. Man doesn't know how friends work.

I just think we should cut him some slack for the mistakes he made. Yall forgave Wukong for all his chaos and bloodshed, so I think it'd just be fair to forgive Tripitaka for not really comprehending having hurt Wukong.

Anyways, I'll shut up now. I'm excited to hear the ramblings of you two nerds ♡♡♡♡

[enhleui]

Ellooo I have q

Dyt I can understand the smau if ik absolutely nothing Abt Minecraft 😃

If yes can u add me to the taglist I think I'll enjoy it hoho

Also pls don't discontinue it it sounds promising and this is just the beginning I'm sure it'll get proper attention later on🫶🏻

YES OFC U CAN UNDERSTAND IT HELP

i mean i’m not gonna get into detail about the gameplay.. maybe like a little but overall it’s just for jits and shiggles 😭

AND YES U CAN BE ADDED TO THE TAGLIST 😁

thank u for the motivation new moot i hope everything goes ur way ☺️☺️

[lawlietscaramels]

I haven't seen a full recording of the musical yet, but I've seen a few clips online (and the entire concept album ofc). I did find a few recordings of songs from a Portuguese show and that was really cool :)) I don't know Portuguese but the singing and actingwas really nice. Esp Light in Hurricane.

Yeah, I definitely feel like I'd get more out of the show if I, you know, watched the show, lol. I listened to some English audio that was recorded in the theatre, and "Playing His Game" sounds a LOT better with the tennis sounds in the background imo. I didn't originally like the song in the concept album but it makes so so much more sense with the context. I'm gonna go look for some totally legal recordings now :))))

Also Matsuda not being in the musical is a CRIME. So, if you had to write a Matsuda-centric song for a Death Note Musical, what would it be like?

-🎲

I don't know how legal it is but here is the version I watched, it's on YouTube.

AND YES. okay if I were to write a Matsuda song for the musical, it would probably be Yotsuba arc Matsu (I don't think they really did Yotsuba arc in the musical, but it makes the most sense to me because we get Matsu's character and motivation, plus plot). It'd go like this:

> Matsu gets upset and maybe even a little cross when L ignores him and/or calls him stupid and worthless again

> He decides to prove his worth, a bit of a monologue

> Outside the Yotsuba meeting room, Matsuda listening in and the ensemble going like "unbelievable!!" "woah!!" "did you hear that?!"

> interrupted by Matsu solos in the more chorusy bits going "I'll prove my worth"

> overall, Hercules I'll Go the Distance vibes hehe

> and then it'd end with the Yotsuba execs finding him, and probably a line or two of dialogue before the end of the song, like L's "...Kira's a highschooler/高校生だ" in (I think) The Game Begins

For the name of the song, I'm not so sure though.

Maybe I'll actually write a proper version of this, I've been tinkering with writing Rie some songs for the musical so maybe I'll do Matsu one too! It's a bit of a different structure, musical songs vs regular songs vs poems, but I think I'll do that. Yeah, it'll be fun. I'll write it later, I have a few other requests to work on as well!

edit 22 Jan: forgot to add the link but here is the full song! It's called What is My Worth? and it's one of my favourite pieces ever

[nolawrites]

Hey! I was wondering if you have any tips on plotting out a longer fic/au. I loveee the tin can man a lot and I'm always so at awe at how well everything develops and fits together

Hi! and thank you, I'm so glad you're enjoying the fic!

I have to admit, I had to think about this one for a bit for responding because the answer didn't come easily to me.

In terms of tips, these are some of the things that I did with the tin can man, hopefully they can be useful to you too!

I didn't actually start with plotting the whole fic. It started around ch 5 with a vague idea that extended to mha fourth season. Before that, I wasn't planning on the fic being longer than 12 or so chapters. What happened then was I started to add things in, but if I wasn't sure what would happen I made them vague. I especially did this at the earlier stages of the fic when I didn't really know where it was going.

When it comes to fitting arcs together, what tends to happen is that I know where I want the character in particular to end up. For example with Iacov, I know the conclusion of his arc, and at that point its just keeping his reactions and character development in line with that, whilst retaining who he is at that moment as well. I sort of see it as an open world thing almost, in that everyone is their own person and has their own motivations, and I consider what the realistic implications of those characters meeting each other would be, and then plan accordingly.

I write everything down, and I do mean everything. At first it was just on one very long document specifically for planning, but as the individual acts take shape, I now note down anything I think of (dialogue I might want to include, potential plot developments etc) in the correct document. I don't use them all. I remember at one point I had three very different endings for the fic, and turning points for when I would have to make that decision. I've since decided, but I still keep the notes for the others just in case.

I sit and think. For hours tbh. The amount of planning that has just been thinking about the plot is a lot when I look at it objectively. Maybe too much. Sometimes I do run into a plot hole or I have a sequence I want to make happen, but that can't in the current set up, and when that happens I either have to make it happen later in the fic or add in other characters in right place right time scenarios that can facilitate the sequence - i.e. if I think its important enough, I will make it happen.

I listen to music and watch amvs religiously when I'm in the plotting mindset. For me it really helps (and maybe explains why some of my scenes are so dramatic lol).

Sometimes I will write out a scene from a future chapter in note form - I won't bother properly writing it since it'll probably be different when I finally get there, but I will write out the dialogue sentence by sentence about the specific points I want to get across.

Also I would say don't be afraid to scrap stuff. It can feel rubbish if you've put a lot of time and energy in the scene, but sometimes it just happens that you figure out a better way of writing that scene, or even realise that it's not necessary.

I combat writing fatigue by having a lot of plots going on simultaneously so I don't get bored by one thing.

Finally I would say don't give up if its something you really feel passionate about. There was a point where I wasn't sure where the fic was going around ch 23 and because of that I wrote around 4 chapters in a year. But when I sat down and thought about it, I kind of just went "Well I'm not going to know yet how it's going to go, but I at least know up to X point so I'll just write and hope I get more ideas" and it worked. I did. Just because something isn't coming to you immediately, doesn't mean it won't eventually. I think part of it is trusting yourself to be able to come up with something, and then that facilitates the process a lot.

Sorry this was so long! Hopefully its at least somewhat helpful :-)

[tapwrites]

Exposition is Learning

Stories aren't just made up of what happens, but of facts--fictional as created by the writer, or real-world facts that are important to the story.

Speculative fiction in particular has a lot of these, because they take place in a world different from our own. But real-world stories may have details a lot of readers don't already know. Imparting such facts about how the world/reality of the story works can be vital if the reader is to get the most out of the story... or even understand it at all!

We need to...

Teach about the story through the story.

Remember people read novels for the story. If it isn't clear how a piece of text adds to the story, they won't want to read it. So they won't want to learn from it.

How can we use that principle to teach the reader without them noticing?

It was the Fifth Corner in Althoria, with Lumina and Umbra intertwining where the tapestry of Veridium unfolds.

The reader has got to be able to understand what they're reading, even if that's guessing through context clues. Or they're not going to take in any of it in the first place. There are 5 new terms in that example, with no context clues to help the reader out.

We could rename some of them to make them easier to understand. But I'm going to avoid actually changing anything for now. Let's just add some context clues...

It was the Fifth Corner of the year in the kingdom of Althoria, with the Lumina and Umbra magicks intertwining where the royal tapestry of Veridium was being unfolded.

Okay, so the "fifth corner" is to do with time... like a season, or month perhaps. We've got a kingdom, two kinds of magic, and what seems like a literal physical tapestry that relates to them.

Is it teaching us anything about the story? Well, it's not very clear how it's related to the story. It seems to be just some facts about the world, but we're not motivated to want to know them. It's an info-dump.

There's no reason for us to read it apart from being told stuff about the world. Maybe it'll become relevant later in the book, but right now we just don't care to read this kind of stuff.

There are readers who don't mind a big ol' wall-of-text at the start setting up the world. Tolkien's tome starts very exposition-heavy. So you might get away with it. But then again, a lot of people have tried and failed to make it past the first chapter of Lord of the Rings.

For most readers it's much better, and more enjoyable to read, if the exposition is part of the story... sprinkled in through the book in places where it's relevant to what's happening.

And, of course, if you want the reader to already know something by the time they get to the relevant part... by all means, plant it earlier in the story. But still, make it relevant at the time they read it.

One way of making it relevant is having a character care about it.

"The leaves are falling! The Fifth Corner starts today!" Rav shouted, hopping on the spot. "Isn't it exciting?"

Woah there, Rav! Calm down! Okay, so this guy called Rav is super excited for whatever Fifth Corner is. Something to do with the leaves falling, so... autumn perhaps? I want to find out more--what's so exciting about it?

Let's add another detail back in. We'll give it more detail than a simple name-drop, by putting a knowledgeable character in front of it.

Gann sighed. "Yay for you..." she mumbled, planting a hand on his head to stop it from bobbing in front of her. They turned onto the bustling high street and moved with the crowds. She looked up at the palace towering at the end of the miles-long road, and watched the giant form wrapped about the spire slowly unfurl. The Great Tapestry. It was an ancient device that had laid dormant all year, until now--the Fifth Corner. As it stretched out, it drew in the magic of the land, enriching the earth in the process, and powering the celebrations that were soon to come.

What's happening, story-wise? Gann sees this Great Tapestry. Which, naturally, makes her think about what it is. And as she's the viewpoint character, we're seeing those thoughts and learning from them.

So, by itself, that last paragraph could be seen as exposition-only. But it's not just there for no reason. It's "motivated" by the narrative. The character would think about what they're looking at; that's part of the story.

Find a narrative excuse to teach the reader.

This is the fundamental trick to use. Give the reader an excuse, and you can talk about whatever you want to. At least for a little while.

Here, the object is seen. So the writer has an excuse to talk about it. Gann knows about the Great Tapestry, so when she sees it she thinks about what she knows about it. Simple as that.

Another common excuse is to have a character who doesn't know something that's relevant, and another character who does. Now the unknowledgeable character can learn things the writer wants the reader to learn.

Like Watson in the Sherlock Holmes stories; he may not do a lot to solve the cases, but he's very useful to have around so that Holmes has someone to explain things to.

So we could re-write the previous example like so:

The palace towered at the end of the miles-long road. Rav's eyes went wide. "Woah," he said, in hushed tones. "What's that huge thing on the palace?" Gann looked up as the giant form wrapped about the spire slowly unfurled. "The Great Tapestry," she said. "Know what that is?" Rav shook his head.

You can use any character who doesn't understand whatever you want to teach the reader. They're in the same position as the reader; they know as much as the reader does about the topic. So they can find out the same way the reader could if they were in the world. They can ask questions, they can be taught by others. They can learn by investigation.

Just make sure they're an actual character though. If they only exist to stand there and be told things, they're just a prop. But they should have their own stuff going on, and be part of the story too.

And you don't have to rely on that same character all the time; different characters might know and not-know different things. Rav is young and doesn't know about the Great Tapestry. Maybe Gann is from another realm, and doesn't know much about the kingdom of Althoria apart from the magic. They can teach each other things as needed, and the reader can listen in.

This principle also lets you "emote" with a character the reader identifies with--in awe, or terror, or curiosity. And, as the reader identifies with them anyway, that's a cue for how they should be feeling while reading as well!

Note, this is different to "maid and butler dialogue," in which two characters that both know the facts just tell each other what they already know:

"As you know, the mistress is coming back from town today," said the maid. "Yes, and as you know, her son has been crying for her ever since she left," said the butler.

That's not how people talk to one another in real life. People usually skip giving all the context, relying on the context they think the other shares, and talks about new stuff.

"Everything ready?" said the maid. The butler laughed bitterly, under his breath. "It will be. Barely." He leaned in and whispered, "As long as it stops the kid from yowling, I can cope with a swift return at the drop of a hat."

This is a lot more natural. And while it gives the reader some hints, it lets them discover the details more naturally as things unfold.

Plus, when the characters are conversing naturally, instead of machines for spouting facts at the reader, we get a better sense of how they feel about the situation, and who they are as people--making them feel more real in the process.

[ebbarights]

alright so people won't be annoyed at me liveblogging a three day old episode with thoughts they have already seen a million times i will compile all my thoughts into one post so you can just skip this

SHIV PREGANTE??? i was 80 percent sure this was happening but i'm still fucking surprised just like with logan's death

the intro sounds soo fucky. like i thought there was something wrong with my speakers but this happening right after logan's death I LOVE IT

hiam abbass in intro we love to see it

i feel like i do have to add (since no one will read this anyway) that the reason it has taken this long for me to watch it is that i really really think watching succession is bad for me. like it kind of counts as self-harming behaviour i think. but yesterday i went on a long walk that really helped and now i feel more equipped for the episode. let's see if it undoes all the progress!!

MARCIAAAAAAAAAA MY LONGEST YEAH BOI EVER

this really is the season of hugs

'i'm sure it'll crush me eventually' 'pre-grieved' relatable repression king

my one wish for when the show is over is that someone makes a greg-less cut. just remove all of the scenes where greg's there

first sympathetic karl moment

the HEAVY swedish accent oskar has i love it

willa absolutely slaying that dress and marcia. queen on queen violence

krank real

'i have been worried that this was gonna happen for ages' real. whenever anything bad happens i have already anticipated it and so my emotions never feel real in the moment? like i've practiced them already so often that it's hard to feel something u know

kind of weird to say and probably gonna bite me in the ass later but it really seems like kendall is the most well-adjusted of all of them

'he's a bit racist' interesting use of present tense there roman. sure you've pre-grieved enough

kendall's second name is logan officially confirmed huh

frank openly laughing at greg i loooove it roman fully saying he hates him i am so here for this

is it real motif showing up yet again

i actually can't bear this frank kendall dialogue

did frank say 'he left you' or did he say 'he loved you'

roman just immediately leaving when tom shows up. same

i never would've guessed that shiv would blame herself. honey being on the plane didn't kill him. but it makes so much sense that she feels left behind and alone

i still want to know about how shiv and tom met and what that difficult time was

like i fully believe tom loves shiv and that he means what he says when he tries to comfort her. but with the background of his one ally being dead there's just no way that shiv can believe a word he says, and it's gotta be at least one motivating factor for him

DOG WITHOUT IT'S PERSON roman take a look at that mirror and see what you might find in there

clogged toilet -> bodily fluids motif really all the motifs making a comeback this episode

why is shiv like half a head taller than roman her heels aren't that high

STEWYYYYYYYYYYY

KERRYYYYYYYYYYYY

greg stop talking about being distasteful you fully asked for a job while logan was in a coma

i love roman being nice to kerry maybe i'm naive but i can't see an ulterior motive for that? unless he wants to be like logan oh my god please don't please no

romtom real (also i just accidentally typed rimtom. accidentally? guess we'll never know)

stewy lore his dad is 95 and is 'normal' enough to just randomly sue his neighbour

KENSTEWY REAL

haunted house motif real

i love willa's mom

roman's joking about growing old sharing a bed with his siblings like charlie and the chocolate factory but i'm serious i want that. in my life. both for them and for me and my friends

roman yet again being the only one who thinks about connor. at all

helping old ladies cross the street somebody kill me

roman admitting he betrayed them just so he can get a shot at ceo. well at least he told them himself?

here's the thing i kind of think kendall's right about shiv not really working but. god emotionally i will kill him for you shiv. cutting her out again?????

'i'm not trying to fuck anyone' ace king

shivshivshivshivshivshiv

GREG I LOATHE HIM

SHIVSHIVSHIVSHIVSHIV

connor's mom?????

jesus kendall. i knew he would do this but jesus.

once again the end titles music is so fucking amazing.

[sedgewicke]

Honestly? As far as betrayals go?

It's no Thunderdome we can't get Beyond.

I think I'll keep it in my "Look, things are gonna turn out nice for Sedge this time!" AU. It'll build character. Dalinar will get those rose-tinted glasses he's inexplicably got on for Sadeas bashed off his face with a lead pipe, which I think we can all agree is sorely needed. And Sadeas can use this as an opportunity to properly air his grievances about, namely:

1) That one time Dalinar left him and Gavilar to fend for themselves against an assassin because he was too busy being passed out in a puddle of his own sick, and after Gavilar was murdered and Dalinar sobered up, he proceeded to pull the "UM, but where were you tho???" card, and he's still doing it six years later.

Because, uh. Controversial opinion? That's some completely legitimate shit to be extremely angry about. And by golly, this method of betrayal do seem to mirror that whole situation more than a little bit. But also I doubt it'll be brought up as a Motive That Actually Makes Sense, because why not just keep sitting on this issue?

And 2) Dalinar constantly (constantly) banging on about that damn book, which Sadeas obviously blames in part for Gavilar's death ("that book ruined him"), and likely believes has something to do with Dalinar's own apparent descent into madness. But on top of that, now he's trying to get Elhokar into his weird little book club, and Elhokar is already dealing with a rapidly worsening case of paranoia (which Sadeas attributes to Dalinar coddling him, and thus reinforcing his belief that he's in danger); the last thing he needs is to be exposed to some weird old book that seems to be tied to people goin' kinda nuts. Honestly, from Sadeas' point of view, it totally looks like the Kholin bloodline has got the madness in it, and it's all coming to the surface now for some reason if only there were a common factor in all of it. And because in this AU *throws down a "Fuck you, Sanderson!" card* Sadeas really does care about Elhokar, and isn't going to try and fuck him over because he suddenly decided that he wants to be king or whatever dumb shit's gonna happen (because Dalinar apparently needs to be hilariously wrong about everything Sadeas-related?), all that is a Big Problem.

And you know what? Why not add 3) if you spent decades doing war crimes with a guy, and all of a sudden he starts acting like this Swingin' Richard pinnacle of morality and righteousness, while also going on about how you and basically everyone else sucks and stuff? Yeah, you'd probably be kinda mad about it. That deserves at least a paddlin'.

Where the absolute... was I... with thi-- right, so the point is, now that Sadeas has finally acted on these six years of compounding beef and Dalinar finally understands that "Oh damn, this guy really does hate me", maybe now they can sit their asses down, have some Real Talk like a couple of Grown-Ass Adults.

Although, damn, that is a lot of Thunderdome to get Beyond.

[lancerious]

Kinda in a vent mood so I'm going to just, well, vent for a bit here about why I've been MIA for a while, not just here, but elsewhere too. Iykyk

So I've kinda been having a rough time lately, "lately" as in the past month or two, pretty much ever since summer vacation started for those who have it. The job I had prior to summer was mostly tied to undergrad schooling, so when summer came around, my job went poof. I've been searching for a new job ever since & am now gonna work at a grocery store so that's the good news, but this isn't really why I've been absent, it's pretty minor in the grand scheme of things.

The main issue is...I've just been struggling to focus. A LOT. I also have serious motivation issues, and these things combined make attempting a lot of things, even relatively minuscule tasks, a living hell. Add in the fact that I still have some bad habits--aka not communicating often, among others--and it's a recipe for disaster. For a long time this whole "lack of attention & motivation" issue wasn't a major problem, but now that I'm out in the real world with tangible consequences, suddenly my previously-deemed "minor" issues are gargantuan.

I constantly distract myself from what I should be doing. For example, if I need to do research for something I barely have any grasp on, I always say "I'll do it later" but never ACTUALLY do it later. Then I'm left confused wondering where the heck the time went. And once I miss deadlines and/or need to take responsibility & let others know of something, I can't do that either because I feel I'll be judged for not being done on time, as I think my excuse of "oh I just got distracted" will be a weak excuse, especially since I repeatedly have this problem. So I just stay silent, desperately hoping others don't notice and/or simply move on without me.

I've yet to fully practice ways around these issues. It's not like I don't KNOW there are methods I can put in place to help prevent scenarios like this, I simply haven't been able to rely on them yet. Things like this don't come easy, and they take time & effort on my end, which I'm struggling to produce.

For so long I always had the mindset of "if it comes easy to me, I'll naturally do it". This is an inherently flawed perspective. Not only does this mean I hardly ever do things that do NOT come easy to me, but this doesn't even apply to things that DO come easy to me, at least not always. Take writing for example, I ADORE writing, it's my true passion. And yet, I haven't produced any writing material for a few months now. I WANT to, I have the motivation to do so, but my mind makes the task seem perilous & time-sucking when I KNOW it isn't if I just START. I'm not sure how to change this mindset to fit how reality truly works.

I'm an almost 20-year-old seemingly with the mindset of someone much younger than me, which is severely impacting my quality of life. I'm not sure what it'll take to snap me out of this mindset, but I'm getting pretty concerned. I've had a super smooth upbringing, which while nice at the time, it didn't help me much in retrospect. I didn't learn a lot of the life skills a functioning adult needs, and my present self is now suffering due to this.

This part is pretty personal: The more time passes, the more I see myself struggle, the more I think I may have ADHD, autism, or both. I see signs of both so I'm not sure what the official verdict is. Maybe I'm misidentifying things, maybe I'm making an excuse in my mind to explain my behavior. I really don't know. I don't want to be the type of person who explains all their problems away with ADHD/autism, I hate people who do that & I really don't want to come across that way.

I got a scheduled appointment with someone who has the ability to give an official diagnosis, then I'll go from there. I'm not sure what I'll do after that. I'm hopeful this can lead to something.

Really I'm tired of people telling me I can easily control my bad habits: lack of focus, motivation issues, and so on. Those close to me IRL have constantly said something along the lines of "you're not trying hard enough" & "you clearly don't care anyway". Maybe that would've helped a younger me, but right now that makes me feel more insecure.

I don't want to use my presumed, possible ADHD and/or autism as a crux for all my issues. I want to try my best to not do that. I really just want a possible explanation & advice on where to go next. And if I get told I have neither ADHD nor autism, then...I really don't know where to move forward.

I'm not trying to say all of this as an excuse for why I've been unresponsive. I'm saying all this so you all can hopefully understand where I'm coming from & what I'm struggling with. What I have failed to do is still wholly my responsibility & I take full accountability. So to those I ghosted for a while, I sincerely apologize for leaving you in the dark. I acted poorly, and I'll try to do better going forward.

All of this being said, thank you for reading if you made it this far. I know I don't usually make posts like these--I tend to keep my feelings & thoughts to myself, especially when it comes to the Internet. But this has been going on for so long that I guess I cracked & had to get something out there.

I really hope I can resume writing things soon, I've developed a lot of ideas & writing always make me feel better, if just for a while. We'll have to see as I take life one step at a time, slowly "adulting".

[alexwatchesshows]

Black Sails IV (S1E4) review

Spoilers for up to and including E4.

Boat episode! Boat episode! Boat episode!

But more on that later. We start with Gates having a little bit of an identity crisis with the whole "captain Gates" thing. Honestly, the past few episodes have shown that he's a really good quartermaster, but might not be quite cut out for being a captain. It's clear that Flint trusts him and believes in him, but I think a lot of the decision around putting Gates in charge comes from the fact that he's unquestionably loyal to Flint, not in his potential as a captain. On the plus side, Billy does seem to be doing very well as a quartermaster. It's clear that he's popular with the crew, as they all cheer for Gate's suggestion of him. Unfortunately for Billy, this whole promotion has come at a bad time for him personally, as he's just been told about the whole Maria Aleyne thing (maybe not the whole story but still concerning) and he's still feeling conflicted about the note (even if it worked out in the end). He'd clearly make a good quartermaster on the working with the crew side of things, but it'll also be his job to hold Flint accountable, which he's maybe less prepared/equipped to do. Also, there are maybe some things he can never change about the crew, like the "fuck tent" (an unnecessary detail imo, but I guess it helps with that point), but he still ends up getting them to do the job very efficiently, according to De Groot, which is saying a lot (De Groot has evidently Seen Some Shit and also doesn't seem very easily impressed). Speaking of De Groot, he is one of the only people who sees right through Flint. Flint's able to whip the crew up into a frenzy, talk Gates and Billy onto his side and also convince Eleanor that his wild idea could be profitable, but he can't convince De Groot to care about anything other than the ship and the safety of the crew which, honestly, good for him. I do wish we got a little more of De Groot's general practicality because it provides an interesting contrast to Flint's dreams and manipulation/motivation of the crew, but I guess his POV would be a lot less interesting for just that reason.

The careening of the ship was a very interesting way to both really involve the physicality of the ship and the practical elements of working it and to show the crew on a day to day basis. We see the crew just hanging out, something that we don't see a lot of but really helps to emphasise that these pirates, who have been painted as "monsters" by mainstream society, are really just people. I especially liked the detail of Morely (who's previously just been an obstacle to Flint's plans) getting on well with Randall and going to bring Betsy some barnacles. Unfortunately, another painfully human element of these pirates is that they slack off sometimes and that even Billy can't talk them out of it and, when dealing with something as physically massive as the ship, it can have fatal consequences. The ominous creaking was a nice touch, and honestly the whole scene was very well-done, but I also have to add that I genuinely couldn't watch it the first time. For those who may be worried, or who didn't notice, Betsy does escape and is seen running off across the beach. We never see her again, so I like to imagine she got adopted by a fishmonger and lived happily ever after.

Before I get into the rest of the whole ship scene, I need to cover the little bit of Flint and Silver development that we get. Silver is starting to struggle with his whole cook facade, something that I think we can assume Flint knows about, given that he figured out the stolen page thing, but that Flint needs to help him maintain so that Silver can keep giving him the schedule's info and nobody ever realises that Flint framed Singleton. As a result, Flint needs to help Silver cook the pig. Silver also has a point about Flint, a pirate captain, somehow knowing how to cook a pig (more on that later sort of), but Flint is not willing to give Silver any information on anything, or to let him give any advice on the crew (probably a smart move at the moment). Silver's got to learn that his regular tricks just don't work with Flint (I think it's the autism).

In light of this, Silver's move when it comes to the ship tipping is interesting. Flint's willingness to immediately put himself in danger (even going as far as to tell De Groot to save the ship even if it means killing him) to save members of his crew does shed an interesting light on his character too, but it feels like more of a confirmation of something (like he was kind of on the fence in my mind and this just brought him down on one side), not a genuinely out of character moment. Silver, on the other hand, is yet to show any signs of caring about the crew or the ship besides what they can do for him. It is, therefore, interesting that he also brings himself into that whole conflict. In my mind, there are multiple potential reasons for this, and honestly, even knowing the full range of what happens to this character across the whole show, I still can't decide what his motivation was. The ideas I've come up with (ranging from least to most critical of Silver) are: a) he knew he could help (note him looking at the cleaver) and genuinely wanted to save a life, b) he was worried that someone else would notice the cleaver and call him out on his inaction, c) he knew that Flint dying would make his position more precarious, so only did what he did after Flint put himself in danger so he wouldn't die, or d) he knew that putting himself in such an emotionally intense moment with Flint would make him more likely to trust him and help the crew feel more positively towards him. It could be any combination of those things, or something else I haven't thought of, I genuinely don't know. It's also worth noting that, even if Silver did what he did for a genuinely selfless reason, he still wasn't willing to get too involved or put himself in too much danger, as he just threw down the cleaver and stepped away (I mean, maybe he didn't feel qualified to make that decision, but still). Then there's the question of Flint and Morely: did he choose to save Randall over Morely, not realise Morely was there, or deliberately push Morely under? Again, I'm not sure about this one, but I also don't know if I saw everything so if someone has any information I'm missing, please let me know. It's also worth noting that Billy is the one who goes looking for Morely, as he is potentially the only one who knows both the full extent of M's distrust for F, and also knows of F's willingness to kill people who get in his was (and in the way of his mission). On a more positive note, at least this time Flint was dressed for getting covered in blood.

Also, we need a moment of appreciation for Gates and Billy's father/son relationship. The fact that it's implied that Gates talked to De Groot before he even talked to Billy because he knew that Billy would be feeling guilty about it and also just generally him calling Billy son. I honestly just love them. There's also some insight into how both of them see Flint. Gates seems resigned to having little to no control over him, as he just tells Billy that "nobody could have done that" when Billy suggests he might have been able to convince Flint to careen the ship somewhere safer, whereas Billy, although he feels more of a responsibility to stop Flint than Gates does, is more afraid of him than Gates is. Between the two of them, I think we're just learning that no one can control Flint. In fact, the only person who ever seems to have gotten Flint to do what they want is Silver (by burning the page and forcing Flint to keep him alive). This definitely won't go wrong at all.

Speaking of Flint, we get more insight on him (from here on out, I'm going to commit to calling Flint insight Flintsight). We start with that sex scene that I wouldn't necessarily call emotionless, it's just that the emotions are... not the ones you'd expect. Flint doesn't seem mentally there at all, and Miranda seems like she's looking for some kind of connection with him that she knows she won't find. There's a lot of debate around the nature of their relationship, but I would cite this scene as some fairly solid evidence that there's basically no sexual attraction there. Even afterwards, Flint's obvious hesitance to put his arms round Miranda and the sense that he doesn't really know what to do suggests to me that this isn't something that either of them do often. On the other hand, Flint giving Miranda a forehead kiss felt much more comfortable and natural for them. Now, thrown into the mix, we get Thomas Hamilton, the guy who we don't know and only know of through Richard Guthrie's sensationalised gossip story of what happened. It does provide a somewhat viable explanation for how Miranda, a woman from a fairly obviously upper class background, and Flint, a man who doesn't seem to be from a similar background, ended up on Nassau together, but Miranda and Flint's earlier discussion about Thomas suggests that both of them feel too strongly about their old lives and the role Thomas played in them for the situation to have been both of them just recklessly hurting him and risking their respective social standings. The other thing that this backstory plays into is Miranda's obvious sense of loneliness. When she says "this life we've been living here, it doesn't feel like living anymore", it feels like a confirmation of everything we've seen of her so far, but it's also clear from what we've seen of Flint when he isn't with Miranda that, regardless of what he tells her (or even tells himself), he's now fully entrenched in the workings of Nassau and isn't getting out any time soon. We also see more of her isolation from the inner-islanders with the child throwing rocks at her and calling her a witch, and her sad harpsichord music. In light of all of this, her teaming up with Richard Guthrie feels like less of a betrayal of Flint and more like one last attempt to get her old life back. Richard Guthrie, however, does not have me sold on his whole need to protect Eleanor thing. I don't quite know what his motivations are but I'm not buying parental love as one of them. Regardless of R Guthrie's motivations, we now have another scheme and secret. Yay more secrets! I have no idea how this could ever go wrong!

Richard Guthrie, whatever his motivations, does seem really set on stopping Eleanor, however he does it. We do get a sense that Eleanor is the kind of person who sets her mind on a goal and won't go back on it (see Hornigold's concern about her use of authority regarding Max and Vane), even to the extent of betraying Mr Scott, something that evidently hurts both of them. This does feel like another episode of Eleanor and her fathers. It does look like Eleanor really appreciates her father's praise (and is subsequently really hurt by his betrayal of her) but also isn't willing to afford Mr Scott the level of trust that she wants her father to give her. Then there's the element of Richard literally owning Mr Scott, something that the show will not let us forget (as we absolutely should not), reminding us through Richard's weird monologue about Mr Scott "earning himself an education". Despite this, it is clear that Mr Scott does care for Eleanor, as his backing Richard does eventually hinge on a desire to help her. Flint, on the other hand, is an interesting contrast to RG and MS, as they just start to egg each other on. Flint urges Eleanor to drink to "(their) endeavour" and tells her that "nobody will believe it's possible until we show them", convincing her that the seemingly impossible can be achieved. They definitely make an interesting pairing.

While all this shit is going down, the Ranger crew are having a rough time of it. I don't really want to discuss the whole Max scene in and of itself, as honestly it does feel too graphic and, other than emphasising Max's resilience, doesn't really add a huge amount to the show. It is interesting to see how Jack and Anne respond differently to this, though, as Anne sees the whole situation as fundamentally wrong, whereas Jack seems to be stuck on Max's value as an asset. This is probably the first time I've seen the two of them at odds, and the first time that I've seen Anne's gender become a point of conflict in her life as a pirate. Jack isn't made completely unlikeable, though, as his whole "you'd be an asset to any crew" talk with Anne is quite sweet.

Vane, meanwhile, is really not coping well. Jack notes that he's "graduated to opium", and he's also seeing a random man in places (on my first watch I wasn't sure whether the man was actually there or not, but I'm now fairly certain he's a hallucination). There are hints of his backstory with a particularly distinctive scar also being linked to the man, and hallucination Eleanor's thing with "the weakness behind the mask". We also see him get into shit with Noonan's gang (which we probably should have seen coming), and see that even in the state he's in he's still a formidable fighter, with a somewhat feral style (and also look in his current state). Even in Nassau, though, killing a bunch of people in the street, even if they were going to kill you, doesn't feel like a fantastic move.