#maybe internalised homophobia??? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

harveyassblog · 7 months ago

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I just checked and I found out I had 1.3k followers. Hi. This is I think one of the first posts I’ve made on this blog in almost five years but I’m feeling down at the moment so I thought I’d reminisce.

Stardew Valley was the first game in which I romanced a male character. Yes, it was Harvey. I was eighteen years old, freshly out to myself and I was dipping my toes into the idea that I could get into a relationship with another man.

I had so much shame about it all then. I couldn’t speak, even to my queer friends about my feelings, like the words in my brain were censored before they even reached my throat. All things personal to me, all the aspects of myself felt embarrassing and wrong, fodder to be humiliated for. The thrill of a video game romance, the concept of openly wanting and being openly wanted, was exciting and mortifying.

The escapism of this imagined bucolic setting and of love and nearness to others, where being open and vulnerable is as simple as giving gifts and with a press of a button having something to say to someone. In life I struggled with my words, with relationships and being open with people. Even now talking about myself often feels like my innards are on display and I will be laughed at for it. I’m working on it.

Five years goes so fast and so slow. Forays into dating have left me hurt and confused. Coming out left some bruises. And in times of change like these, where people and friends who I wished would stay close forever have to move on and out into their lives, I think it’s easy for me to feel disheartened and stagnant. Like everyone’s caught in some big autumn but leaves me right where I’ve always been, a green leaf.

But I have changed. I came out to all the people I wanted to be out to, from whom I risked rejection. I’ve grappled with religion, with existential dread, with dating, even after I’ve been hurt. It sucks to have to go out there and meet new people and start over fresh when it feels like it takes me years to be myself around others. But those years have to start somewhere. My closest friend now I only really got to know five years ago. Who knows what five years more will look like.

I know that making a comparison between a real life concept with one that appears in a video game is sometimes seen as silly, but as this is a Stardew Valley blog it seems a fitting way to end. This is my year one again, with the sometimes cold people and the first flower dance. Even if I’m geographically in the same place, I’ll start fresh and there’ll be plenty of characters to know. One frantic day at a time.

I should learn to fish.

#not art #harvey lite #personal #long post #surprisingly I was not planning that whoops #also like tw for coming out/life related anxieties but they’re vague so idk #maybe internalised homophobia???#idrk

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bisexualfagdyke · 3 months ago

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I can never get behind headcanoning Aaron Minyard as queer, personally. He is literally just a homophobic cishet man, I'm sorry ☠️😭 (saying this as someone who likes Aaron too btw)

He can have bi wife energy (bi Katelyn <3) AS A TREAT!!!! But that is IT. He is a cishet man. Sorry!!!

#controversial maybe. or maybe I just understand him and see him realistically...#not trying to shit on other ppls headcanons but I just. do not understand them 😭#'he has internalised homophobia' he literally just doesn't I'm sorry #he is actually just a homophobic cishet man LMFAO?/!!:!: but do whatever u want with ur headcanons I guess...#kevaaron makes me wanna cry. please put a trigger warning on kevaaron I don't wanna see that shit /hj #aftg #aaron minyard #🐈

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rearranging-deck-chairs · 4 months ago

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between "i dont know if i knew i was gay when i was alive" and the anglerfish cult always using girls as sacrifices and the "dont kill him, hes a poet! or her, shes got such a beautiful voice. or that one, shes just too pretty to ruin", carmilla must have had a hell of time coming out to herself

#when the lesbian predator internalised homophobia is very literal bc you are the actual archetype lesbian predator #how long do you think it took #i'll probably get some clues when i get to reading her favourite books #existentialism - existence before essence etc if ive understood that concept correctly #she likes judith butler also #theres a lot of things carmilla would never have been if she hadnt been turned into a vampire. gay is not a category apart #carmillaposting #or maybe she still wouldnt call herself gay #i mean thats like a pretty 21st century way to think abt things isnt it #existence before essence. maybe she just kinda surfs the waves of history #'im ecstatic' gfhkfjgh

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badhotdog03 · 1 year ago

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I've seen this trend done so many times, here's my take...

Dorcas Meadowes and Marlene McKinnon would've been fine being in love with a girl, if that girl wasn't Marlene McKinnon and Dorcas Meadowes.

#okay maybe they'd both have issues with being in love with a girl #especially marlene cause the internalised homophobia is not fun #but ultimately that girl being her sworn enemy?#far worse #rivals to lovers #dorlene #because rivals to lovers is and always will be my favourite form of lovers #marauders #marauders era #marauders fanfiction #dorcas meadowes #fanfic #marlene mckinnon #dorlene fic #wlw fanfic #lesbians being lesbians

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eeuwigestilte · 7 months ago

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how much fear and slander of the label lesbian can one take of a dear friend who is questioning

#friend i love you and i am so patient with you #but if you are not a lesbian that's fine #if you are that's also fine #if you're afraid of the label or it makes you uncomfortable don't use it #but maybe it is time to stop approaching it then #and telling me every time that you freak out about the word #do i know if that is because you're dealing with internalised homophobia or not?#i can't know sorry #i'm here for her always but maybe today i don't wait to hear that the label 'lesbian' is scary and makes one freak out #whether she is or isn't one that strong reaction is kind of painful #i am a lesbian and i love being a lesbian #i love other lesbians #i find community with other lesbians #discovering that i am a lesbian saved me #it made me love myself again through loving women #it made me love my body #love myself entirely for who i am #today i don't want to hear that the label is scary #sorry rant #i do care for my friend so so much but maybe today i don't want my identity to be harmed #and also i wish i had lesbian friends in real life #it's incredibly lonely actually to be the only lesbian amongst queer friends #i love all my friends but i do experience lesbian loneliness a lot #i could talk about this for hours #lesbian loneliness

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autistic-katara · 11 months ago

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i love being in love platonically

it’s so much more comfortable and safe and easy than being in love romantically

#trust me i’m in both rn (different people)#i mean im in love with him both platonically AND romantically but with her it’s 1000% platonic #look i love him and i love our friendship and i love loving him but GOD-#i can’t even explain it it’s just asnsbddb #maybe partially due to the internalised homophobia i didn’t think i had but maybe cause of normal stuff idk #maybe the problem is the requitedness factor idk idk #ryan shut the fuck up

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tragedykery · 2 years ago

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this may feel sacrilegious coming from tuser maileesque but sometimes. I think about maizula

#in the canon timeline it wouldn’t be a very healthy relationship obviously but it doesn’t give me that same. Hck. feeling ty.zula does #idk. maybe post-canon when azula has healed significantly #when she has finally made peace with the fact that she’s a lesbian #she meets up with mai (who she hasn’t seen in a long time) and very casually almost off-handedly confesses #in a ‘oh btw jsyk I used to have the biggest crush on you’ way with absolutely no expectation of it being requited #just to get it out #and mai realises just how much she’s changed #it doesn’t have to be requited for me to like this scenario I think them just being DykesWhoGotOverTheirInternalisedHomophobia solidarity #is just as good #it being requited (& acted upon) would create such a funny polycule tho #maybe it would be like. they both used to have a crush on each other and hated themselves for it but now they’ve worked through that #internalised homophobia and theoretically *could* have a healthy relationship they don’t like each other Like That anymore #but they can rebuild a friendship on the foundation of the mutual fondness that gives them…#elli rambles #though maybe fondness isn’t the right word but idk what else to call it #anyway. conclusion: sometimes maizula good 👍

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ace-the-fox · 1 year ago

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Lmao what if I made a Patrick Bateman fankid just to make dumb crossover memes with her and Haruka, even though I've never seen the movie or read the book...

Guys, what if I–

#american psycho #patrick bateman #bruh idk one minute im reading taken_by_sleep's bateman abortion fanfic on ao3 #then my brain jumped to this #uhhh anyways #her name is samantha bateman. sam for short.#she thinks she's so normal (she's not)#i also think she's got some internalised misogyny and maybe homophobia going on #that's it for now ig

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nevoadecaipora · 1 year ago

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ugly ugly ugly feeling ugh

#dude is it bad of me for being angry at the asshole from high school coming out as a lesbian?#i mean maybe i'm just jealous who knows #but i fucking hate her omg kahdjsdhskd #like that bitch was super homophobic at high school and yeah internalised homophobia and whatever #and i get that i'm probably being super unfair #but like she was such an asshole #idk maybe it's like a general anger too like she was so annoying and to this day every time people mention her i get pissed #eh whatever maybe this is just the combination of all my inadequacies weighting down on me #i'm ranting

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grimark · 2 years ago

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i’m re-reading the his dark materials trilogy as a bit of a nostalgia trip and i have to say. i do wish that when i’d read these as an impressionable pre-teen that the part with the gay angels had made a bit more of an impression on me.

#i really cannot remember what i thought about that #if anything at all #iirc i was like 11 or 12 when i read these books?#and i went through my internalised homophobia phase around 13-14 #which i got cured of by positive fictional portrayals of gay people #but i had DEFINITELY seen those before (case in point) so idk i guess they just didn’t have much of an impact previously?#i was also already self-identifying as an atheist at this time #so maybe the bits about killing god and breaking free of the tyrannical authority of the church just held my interest #a bit more than the bits about ‘btw also gay people are in this story too kinda’#like being realistic the main draw was 'what if you had a talking animal companion who was your soul and loved you unconditionally?'#but that goes without saying. i ALSO liked the parts about scientific discovery and the nature of death.

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lohstandfound · 1 year ago

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i remembered i found and saved a bunch of production promo and images from the 2013 LA production of bare and i have decided i need bapo au art using them