#maybe internalised homophobia??? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

harveyassblog · 9 months ago

Text

I just checked and I found out I had 1.3k followers. Hi. This is I think one of the first posts I’ve made on this blog in almost five years but I’m feeling down at the moment so I thought I’d reminisce.

Stardew Valley was the first game in which I romanced a male character. Yes, it was Harvey. I was eighteen years old, freshly out to myself and I was dipping my toes into the idea that I could get into a relationship with another man.

I had so much shame about it all then. I couldn’t speak, even to my queer friends about my feelings, like the words in my brain were censored before they even reached my throat. All things personal to me, all the aspects of myself felt embarrassing and wrong, fodder to be humiliated for. The thrill of a video game romance, the concept of openly wanting and being openly wanted, was exciting and mortifying.

The escapism of this imagined bucolic setting and of love and nearness to others, where being open and vulnerable is as simple as giving gifts and with a press of a button having something to say to someone. In life I struggled with my words, with relationships and being open with people. Even now talking about myself often feels like my innards are on display and I will be laughed at for it. I’m working on it.

Five years goes so fast and so slow. Forays into dating have left me hurt and confused. Coming out left some bruises. And in times of change like these, where people and friends who I wished would stay close forever have to move on and out into their lives, I think it’s easy for me to feel disheartened and stagnant. Like everyone’s caught in some big autumn but leaves me right where I’ve always been, a green leaf.

But I have changed. I came out to all the people I wanted to be out to, from whom I risked rejection. I’ve grappled with religion, with existential dread, with dating, even after I’ve been hurt. It sucks to have to go out there and meet new people and start over fresh when it feels like it takes me years to be myself around others. But those years have to start somewhere. My closest friend now I only really got to know five years ago. Who knows what five years more will look like.

I know that making a comparison between a real life concept with one that appears in a video game is sometimes seen as silly, but as this is a Stardew Valley blog it seems a fitting way to end. This is my year one again, with the sometimes cold people and the first flower dance. Even if I’m geographically in the same place, I’ll start fresh and there’ll be plenty of characters to know. One frantic day at a time.

I should learn to fish.

#not art #harvey lite #personal #long post #surprisingly I was not planning that whoops #also like tw for coming out/life related anxieties but they’re vague so idk #maybe internalised homophobia???#idrk

27 notes · View notes

heyyallitssatan · 1 month ago

Text

I will die on the hill that Annalise obrien is bi

And I don’t think fairborns took very kindly to queer people (this is based on nothing but the quiet way that Ceelia reassured her that it’s okay, as if she knew that Annalise probably thought it wasn’t) so Annalise locked that part of herself up as tight as she could and pretended it wasn’t there no matter how much it hurt sometimes

So I think it went something like this:

Under the cut cause this got longer than expected

Gabriel, Nathan and Annalise were walking somewhere, they didn’t care where right now, they had a few hours of freedom and today they spent it walking the city, when they stopped at a little outdoor market.

It was cute, and as they were idly weaving through stalls Gabriel and Annalise both stop when they feel Nathan lag just slightly behind them (they’ve got an odd sense for that now, when one of them falls behind or gets too far away, it makes some tug uncomfortably in their gut, and it won’t stop until they’re safely back in each others arms again)

He’s looking at a necklace hanging from one of the stalls, a gorgeous imitation ruby set in fake gold, with an odd look in his eye. Gabriel and Annalise silently observe him in this moment, it’s rare his face looks so open, so relaxed, anymore. If they knew puzzling over a fake gem was all it took they would have bought one months ago.

They walk over and ask Nathan what has him so fascinated, and he responds “well, the ruby caught my eye when it reflected, and I was thinking that it would look really good on you.” He doesn’t specify who you is, they don’t ask, they don’t really care.

The woman running the stall comes over telling them all about the piece of genuine costume jewellery (a funny sentiment), while they half listen.

Well, that’s not quite true, Annalise looks absolutely enraptured by what feels to both Nathan and Gabriel like a fairly boring, and probably fake, story about how the necklace made it to this little shop.

It took Gabriel a moment to notice that Annalise wasn’t looking at the necklace, rather the lady holding it, with such awe.

It was the first time Gabriel had bothered to really take notice of her at all, she was fain and therefore wasn’t a danger to any of them, and he had never been as interested in women, but now that he really looked at her, he had to admit she was gorgeous.

She had an undercut with an odd pattern cut into it under a near military perfect bun, a well muscled frame like she hit the gym with fair regularity, maybe she was an athlete, and a few beauty marks that connected with the constellations of pale freckles just barely visible on her tanned face. All of this not to mention, she was rocking an outfit almost as eccentric as his own; black jeans and a teal and lavender tie dye tank top set with a studded belt, open bowling-alley-carpet patterned button up, topped with a variety of bracelets, necklaces, and piercings.

She was an interesting sight and he could certainly understand while Annalise was staring. The shop keep also didn’t seem to mind the attention, and kept gushing about how gorgeous the necklace was, and how great it would look on Annalise. He didn’t disagree.

Nathan seemed to have also caught on to Annalise’s little infatuation, but he looked, oddly confused about it, not quite the same way he tried to puzzle out the necklace, this was different, like someone faced with a complicated math question they had never learned how to solve.

As much and Gabriel enjoyed watching his paramours, he also wanted to check out a few more things before the market closed, which was fairly soon, so he, after finally getting Annalise’s attention, mentioned it was probably time to go. Before they stepped away however, the merchant asked Annalise to wait just a moment, while she slipped the not-ruby over her neck and told her it was on the house.

While Annalise tried to come up with a half intelligent response, the lady turned around, grabbed a decorative pen she was also selling, and wrote a number on the back of Annalise’s hand, then winked at her, turned her around by her shoulders and pushed her, gently, to Nathan and Gabriel.

Annalise took a moment to process what the hell had just happened, before turning the brightest shade of red Gabriel had ever seen anyone’s face turn in real life. He started laughing about it and tried to poke fun at Annalise, but when she just glanced away and walked faster, not even grumbling or throwing a jab back at him, he let it go, he knew where the boundaries were now, and he wouldn’t push if she didn’t want him too.

The rest of their excursion was quiet, even Nathan staying near silent with that same slightly puzzled look on his face, but they got through the market, and they walked back home, to a apartment they rented by the week, and it wasn’t until they got inside and Nathan had gone to put things away in the kitchen that Gabriel finally asked and a somewhat calmed Annalise what was going on with her.

She very obviously didn’t want to talk about it, and said as much, but Gabriel had a feeling this was one of those times that if he didn’t push a little the pot would be left simmering for who knows how long.

Too long, Gabriel decided, and asked again what had bothered her, and again, and then told her if it was the lady at the market then she should have said something, and that he and Nathan would have stopped her from being so pushy about it. And of course, this was the moment Nathan returned, to a clearly anxious Annalise and equally anxious Gabriel trying to comfort her.

He kneeled in front of the couch where Annalise had tucked herself up into the corner, and very gently asked her to please talk the them.

And damn Nathan and his puppy eyes because they broke Annalise. She looked up from her knees with teary eyes that quickly spilled at the look on Nathan’s face, and turned to sobs at Gabriel’s. Both of them were so full of love and comfort and home, and she couldn’t take it anymore.

She doesn’t remember how they ended up in a three way hug on the couch, but she doesn’t mind it. She almost wishes that they could just stay like this forever, cuddled together where nothing can happen and nothing can hurt them, but she knows better, they have to stop hugging eventually, if just so she can get the tacky feeling of dried tears off her face, and when they do they have to talk, so she rips the bandaid off.

Annalise pulls back from their pile ever so slightly, and in the smallest voice she can manage she eeks out, “I like girls too?”

It almost sounds like a question, like she isn’t quite sure if she does, but she does, she does and she knows it, and so in a slightly louder if not more confident voice she states, “I like girls too.”

And Gabriel, the asshole, laughs. He laughs, and it’s not the full belly laugh they can pulls from him sometimes, it more of a chuckle, that little hiss when he’s about to roll his eyes at something stupid they’ve just done. And he does, he rolls his eyes at Annalise a throws his head back to laugh harder. And she should be offended, she just bared her soul to him and he laughed, but when he finally stops laughing and tilts his head back toward them his eyes and smile are too fond, and it melts her just a little bit, and she can’t really find it in herself to be mad at him. Damn Nathan for teaching Gabriel puppy dog eyes as effective as his own, it is not fair to Annalise.

“Annalise, dear,” Gabriel starts, still smiling but with an ever so slightly apprehensive tone, like he doesn’t quite know how to say what he wants to say, “I thought we all already knew that?”

“What? How could you have known, nobody knew!”

“Well, it just made sense, and what do you mean no one knew, everyone knew, hell, I was half convinced you were gay until I saw the way you were looking at Nathan that night.”

“Holy shit, everyone knew,” she said in a slightly awed voice, and then slightly terrified she repeated, “holy shit everyone knew.”

“Wait, what, why do you sound scared, why is that a bad thing?”

Annalise was too preoccupied trying to remember every single interaction she had ever had, so Nathan fielded that one for her, “well, you know, fairborns…”

He hoped that was enough for Gabriel to get the hint. If Gabriel’s face was any indication, it was not.

“Well, um, fairborns, just, aren’t really, super… okay with all of… this.”

“All of what?”

“Being, you know-”

“Queer,” Annalise finally answered, still not quite looking at them.

Nathan flinched at the word, and Gabriel got the impression they weren’t telling him everything, but he wasn’t entirely sure that he wanted to hear it, because if he did and he found out that either of them had ever been told they had to hide, to hate, a part of themselves, or god forbid if they’d ever been threatened over it, well he isn’t entirely convinced he wouldn’t cause an international incident, again.

So Gabriel left it at that, and gathered both of them up into his arms again, and said, “you aren’t there anymore, they can’t do shit to you, not ever, not if I’m here, I won’t let them. You two are perfect just the way you are, and no one gets to tell you otherwise.”

He punctuated his words with a kiss to each of their heads.

Annalise was crying again, and so was Nathan, and Gabriel probably was too. Scratch that, he definitely was, unless Nathan had developed another new gift; the ability to form small water droplets on top of his head.

Annalise had known they wouldn’t care that she liked girls, they both liked boys, what’s the difference? But deep down, she was still afraid, the kind of afraid that seventeen years of conditioning put in you. The kind of afraid that wasn’t going to be beaten by a hug and a good cry, but it was definitely a start to loosening that little ball of secret worries in the bottom of her heart.

She loved her boys, so much, more than she could ever put into words, so she just hugged them tighter, and hoped they’d understand.

Of course they did.

#nabrielise #bisexual Annalise obrien #that should be a tag #anyway #ot3 #comfort #comfort/no hurt #okay maybe a little hurt #internalised homophobia

2 notes · View notes