#maybe i ought to make a separate blog for personal stuff

[ivy-meshle]

Okay I said on Tuesday in the tags I might talk about plurality n stuff wrt myself. Right now this is more stream of consciousness than anything polished, and idk if I’m going to be up to talking about it with people for a few days.

This is gonna get pretty long so I'm putting it under the cut:

(FWIW, I'm mainly using 'I' here, but that's because I've spent so long trying to make sure I keep plurality stuff off of this blog it feels weird to write 'we').

I think it was... fuck, six or seven years ago now? that I first learned what plurality even was, then another year and a half where I just kept thinking about it for weeks on end before I started to maybe consider that the reason I couldn't stop thinking about it was maybe the same reason I couldn't stop thinking about transness after I'd learned about that.

Even now, I'm still hesitant to claim plurality. It feels like a step too far- like I’m overstating things. I don't feel like one person, but I don't know that I feel like more than one, either. Certainly I don't have clear boundaries between one self and another. It’s more akin to distinct patterns of thoughts and behaviors that I feel like I snap between. Neural pathways that open and close.

There is one consistent pattern I've noticed though: when I'm in a period of stress, those distinctions become a lot clearer, and they tend to stay clearer than they were before even after I can unwind. Which is part of why I'm feeling more comfortable talking about plurality now; I know I'm going to be more people, more clearly, in the next four years.

The other major reason is that I want to not feel doubt every time I talk about us, that I'm just deluding myself. And that means that I need to get more used to talking about us.

So, uh, introductions, I guess? I've opted not to introduce characters (fictives(?)), since they tend to come and go more frequently- usually as I write about them. I think it's something about trying to get into their perspective that creates some of the same sort of neural pathways. If they stick around for longer than three months after I stop writing about them, I'll introduce them then. The sole exception here is Nensa, who meets that requirement.

For now: Hunter, 'me', host(?). He/it. Mostly responsible for getting people and things to where they need to be to work. Emotional regulation and planning type things.

Asher. He/ey. Math/physics nerd, problem solver. He handles the homework :Þ

Nensa. They/she. Minecraft Warden hybrid, stoic, helps with handling sensory overload mainly.

Miranda. She/her. Customer service voice social butterfly. When I need to talk to people at the bank or on the phone, she’s the one who takes the wheel.

Blake. He/him. Punk aesthetics and paranoia. He’s the one who keeps us from doxxing myself every other day, but also he keeps us from opening up to people. It’s a balancing act. (He’s very resistant to posting this.)

Dakota. She/her. Probably the first distinct self I identified; basically the face of my RSD. Very sensitive, cries frequently.

Ulyssa. She/it/void. Goth and angry and rude. It formed semi-on-purpose when Hunter decided to treat the negative self talk while I was spiraling like it was a person he could talk to and well. Now she is! Hunter tries to keep it and Dakota separate as much as possible.

Qwerty. It/she/he. Online persona, kinda? It only shows up when we’re on the internet. He’s more in tune with the social norms of the web than the rest of us are.

Anyways. Yeah. IDK. Life is weird and brains are weirder and I don’t necessarily think of myself as a system, but I would count myself as plural. That’s about the long and short of it.

Feels like I ought to say more, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’m going to schedule this for, like, 9am my time so that I don’t have to actually hit that post button myself (scary). I also probably won’t be up for talking about this with other people (sorry mutuals!) for at least a few days. Thanks for listening.

( @ivy-meshle so I can rb this in the future )

[badaziraphaletakes]

As someone who enjoys reading and writing off-canon takes of Aziraphale, could you just... you know. Start a discussion about that final 20% mentioned by OP whose name is very clearly not included here?

Maybe something to do with "fan art and fan-fiction are produced by individuals reflecting their own values through the lens of the blorbo and these interpretations ought not be subject to blanket criticism based on your individual interpretation of the blorbo?"

Please and thank you.

I'm not exactly sure what OP's point was in the screenshot there, I have some trouble understanding things online sometimes, BUT, about what you said:

"fan art and fan-fiction are produced by individuals reflecting their own values through the lens of the blorbo and these interpretations ought not be subject to blanket criticism based on your individual interpretation of the blorbo"

I absolutely agree.

I hope by now most of our followers have noticed that we never criticise fanart and fanfic in here. It's never been featured on this blog. What we feature here are prejudiced metas concerning the canon. We call out ableist, misogynistic (etc) takes about the canon characters. Takes that are trying to "explain" what happened in canon to other fans using veiled misogyny, ableism, victim blaming and anti-autistic bias. Those can have harmful repercussions irl, and we feel we must fight against those prejudices.

However fanfic and fanart are not that at all. Fanfic and fanart are not canon by definition, and are so subjective that they can have thousands of interpretations, so we feel it's not our (or anyone's) place to judge.

It's like playing with your Barbie dolls. You can do what you want with them, it's mostly harmless. If someone wants to make Aziraphale the villain in a fic? Go ahead, that falls into headcanon territory, and headcanon is not canon, it's anyone's land. I personally won't read that specific fic, but you can write it. I'm pretty sure I'd write stuff someone wouldn't read too, it's all ok. The problem is when they start to spread this as canon.

Now it must be said, of course some fics can be triggering (like every art out there), but in my 4 year experience in this fandom, 99% of fics are properly tagged, authors usually overtag for safety, so if you see a fic with a theme you don't like, it's easy to avoid it. Even fanart is tagged in the GO fandom, which is not something I see in every fandom out there. And besides, speaking of fanart specifically, it's so subjective bc what you see there may be just a metaphorical interpretation of feelings and not literal. So if you start scrutinising that you end up falling into censorship territory and that's shady.

Because of all that, we try to focus on calling out bad takes regarding the canon facts only.

That being said, in order to do that sometimes we try to analyse the overall situation of the fandom, bc many ppl try to impose fanon as canon in those metas, consciously or not. So while doing that, we may make commentaries on some fanon stuff, including the most common portrayals of the characters in fanwork. But trust that this is not a criticism of the fanworks at all. Again, it's just an attempt to separate the canon from the fanon, and to try to study the situation to see where the bad takes are coming from. In other words, fanon can be one of multiple tools to understand the fandom's mindset, and we make use of it. Is it possible that we may have (or will) missed the tone while addressing that and come across as if we're criticising fanworks? Of course, we're human, but trust that's not where we're coming from, and we appreciate criticism so we can be better :)

But honestly, if someone writes a fic where Aziraphale and Crowley are a toxic homophobic straight couple that ends up cheating on each other with the Metatron and divorcing, I couldn't care less. Have fun with your Barbies (but pls tag your fic lol).

I know this is a theme discussed over and over in fandoms, but I tried to give my two cents here, and believe me, this blog absolutely believes in "headcanon and let headcanon". Our problem is with ppl spreading misinformation about the canon.

Thanks for your ask, it's a very important thing to address! I hope I addressed what you were suggesting, if I missed anything, @indigovigilance , please share your thoughts in the reblogs/comments so we can discuss/clarify things. I have a feeling we're both coming from the same place here though 😁

Xoxo,

Mod M 🩶

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi Charity, since it is my last chance, I thought about asking you a question: do you have any advice for an enneagram 1 (isfj sp/so) woman in her 30s on how to be a better person and have a better life in general? (I know, it is a very 1 question :-D)

And, more specifically, on how to deal with my 9 mother who thinks that if you ignore a problem long enough the problem will just go away by itself?

I will really miss your answers and wisdom, I'm glad I have your book and blog to rely on! I wish a good and peaceful day!

Most of my advice will center around what you need as a 1 -- which is to learn to separate your super-ego inner voice (that relentless critic who is always hammering you to do the 'right' thing and be 'perfect' and telling you how you 'should' be) from your own voice. What I mean to say is, don't do things only because you feel as if you 'should' out of a misguided sense of duty. 1s tend to repress themselves, deny their own desires, and then resent others who are 'having fun' while they feel as if they 'ought' to just work, or study, or be a good parent. Allow yourself to have fun, allow yourself to say no.

I grew up with a 1, and even though she knows she's a 1, it's still hard for her to not to treat her own self as a 1. When she should relax her boundaries and cut herself slack, she comes down hard on herself and enforces more personal rules. For example, she was "spending too much time on YouTube," so she decided to restrict herself to only once a week for an hour. I told her, "That's the wrong approach. You need to allow yourself to 'waste time' if it's what you WANT to do, without feeling guilty about it. There's no reason you can't watch YouTube. Watch it whenever you damn well please."

She was shocked, but then she thought about it and realized I was right -- you can't fix yourself as a 1, by being a 1. You have to fix yourself by relaxing the inner hounding, and learning to ask -- do I want to do this? is this mine to do? and realizing that you can say no to things and choose not to do them, without it making you a bad person. I would also suggest you make space for your own anger -- for you to admit to it, own it, and process it, rather than hanging on to it, or feeling as if it is "righteous," and any negative feelings that are not "righteous" need to be suppressed. All emotions are okay -- this is what your line to 4 can teach you: to be at home with ALL of your feelings, even the "bad" ones."

Learn to use your 4 line to teach you about your feelings and get in deeper touch with your true desires, and your 7 line to learn how to let things go and have more fun. I was so proud of Marie Kondo recently when I read that as an sp1, she is learning to use her 7 line -- she confessed that keeping her house tidy is no longer her priority; instead, it's to have fun with and enjoy her children. Good for her!

Regarding 9s. 9s and 1s are often in conflict because as competency types, 1s usually want to handle things immediately and efficiently, but 9s procrastinate and avoid the things that give them discomfort. The thing to remember about 9s is that they can easily feel overwhelmed and unsure of where to start, and they procrastinate and find menial tasks to do that help them feel "busy" when they should be doing something else that gives them anxiety. You can help a 9 a lot by telling them in advance about what you want to discus or resolve, and inviting them to bring ideas to the table. For example, a 9 I know wants to move in two years, but there's a lot of stuff that needs to happen first, and I know she will leave it all to the last minute. I intend to help her make progress by saying, "I'd like to help you with X, what do you think we should work on first?" Maybe with your mom, volunteering assistance and then leaving a choice up to her might be a non-threatening approach, because the 9 still feels as if they have some power in the situation.

It's important not to shame them or push them around or force them into action -- not only will they hate you, they will react with passive aggression, slowing down, digging in their heels, or refusing to budge so you need to learn tact and how to offer them opportunities rather than get impatient and to work on their time scheme.

[friendlifyre]

its sad to say but i really am starting to enjoy twitter more than tumblr

[shy-magpie]

RQG 156

live blog under the cut

Heads up about half way through I realized I go a bit further into analysis on where Zolf & the Kobolds are mentally than some people might be comfortable with. Just as they trust us to back off if the episode gets to real, I am trusting you to close the tab if my little live blog is hitting you wrong. If it makes a difference I have years between me and the reason I relate to this stuff.

"In Memorium" they are trying to kill us Ah they lampshaded the speed intros Yes Alex it is rather Paris Right to Azu & Zolf. Oh he's jumping right in. And there's my first pause of the episode. No “better” isn't a magic finish line you pass then never find yourself in that place again. No, knowing that doesn't mean you don't wonder if your back at square one every time you realize You Are In A Bad Place and Not Handling it Well. Gosh Azu is good at this. Yeah learning to walk away is hard. Learning to ignore the part of yourself that says "and never come back for their sake" is harder. Symbolic much Alex (Zolf is too small for the room, Azu is too large) Yeah it would be easier to not blame Zolf for last episode if I related to him a bit less. Okay they are talking about Hamid and their concerns for him directly. Yeah Hamid's relationship with power & privilege is an arc; and without the Doylist level of trusting Bryn & Alex, I can see where even if you trust/like him you'd be worried about it. With the best of intentions people misuse power. Azu quoted Grizzop at Zolf. Didn't name him, wonder if Zolf is ever going ask directly about his replacement in canon or if its best left to fic. Its easy to dismiss one's own successes. Okay fair and OW, Zolf isn't up to talking about Sasha; which is the part of this I was most prepared for. Hell yeah! He is coming down but not going to be attempting to lead so as to relieve pressure on himself. Maybe if he can let Hamid step up without making a Kew Garden thing he'll see how much he's grown. Hopefully without that setting off a "Hamid does better without me" thing. Yeah intellectual knowledge and it feeling real on an emotional level are very different things. Alex, why does it matter what order they are in? ALEX? The necklace? The Heart of Aphrodite shaped necklace? Azu got a Sign from Aphrodite approving of her reaching out to Zolf as an act of love. Yes! Blue Black no take backs! Yeah those two (players) know exactly what they are doing: breaking my heart in the best ways and not skipping over the actual work those two (characters) need to put into their relationship with OOC "its all fine now"s. Ok that settles the timeline, Azu went up same night, the device isn't made yet. Yeah Zolf wouldn't, probably best to back off while things are tender while being present enough to assure he isn't planning on leaving. Seriously bless Azu, this has to be at least as hard on her as Helen but she is letting the boys have room to work it out for themselves instead of "trying to help". The last thing either of them need right now is pressure especially on this point. Aw the Kobolds teach Cel draconic. Oh smart kid, not only is it just logical for the Kobolds to work with Cel directly, it might help them get over the "looking to see if the boss approves of how you breathe" stage. Especially if he is clear about not being threatened by them having advantage over him in this area. Heck of a relief this isn't hitting my rank issues. Ooh all the Kobolds are amazing engineers, wonder if its a Kobold thing or if Skraak recruited people with similar interests. Nice rework of the "Kobolds build traps" thing from pathfinder. I genuinely love how instead of pitching the original description of Kobolds out the window, Alex has backwards engineered it. Reputation for traps isn't a dishonorable approach to fighting, its a sign of their skill. They aren't minions, their trauma is interacting with a cultural attitude about rank in weird ways. Oh Cel! Cel is amazing. Under Shoin's orders they: made Magic Steroids, did maintenance (more towards the end as Shoin wasn't taking care of things), built the place initially, sourced ingredients, other Kobolds built the Mechkraken. Damn Shoin, they can't even be proud of all they were able to do in adverse circumstances because he tainted it. If they weren't forced to do it and have it used for ill ends, building the kraken would be impressive. A lot of that sounds like difficult work. Hamid stuff: yeah it is from a place of fear; and they would be hypersensitive and need to try to "defend him" so he doesn't react. Terrified of his anger? Handle anything that even annoys him to cut it off at the pass. And being a good person who doesn't like scaring them, Hamid is going to over do the very "Mary Sunshine" routine that makes Zolf think he doesn't appreciate the gravity of the situation. You'd think Mr "do a grief later" would get that Hamid doesn't have to walk the halls wailing to be aware of the end of the world. Not that the kid can win, if he cried and threw up it would be proof he hasn't grown from season one. Hopefully by taking a back seat Zolf will have a chance to see Hamid's actions and realize being chipper & wholesome doesn't mean stupid. Oh Alex has thought this through, one of these days I'll quit being surprised he actually gets this stuff. Not being able to read the person whose emotions feel like life & death is a Bad Thing. Thank Alex for Skraak. Weird seeing this stuff from this side, of course learning to focus on my end instead of being preoccupied with what was going on in the heads of people who were on Hamid's end of it was rather the point. Perfect balance, Hamid gives them enough space to realize he isn’t going to explode, Skraak "translates" into something clear enough not to stress them out. Like when Zolf snapped at Skraak when he pledged to Hamid; might not be pretty but not knowing what The Powers That Be want? Very bad place. Rank and clear orders are very important when appeasing those who outrank you is everything. Cel has dealt with a lot of young and unsure apprentices!?! Yeah well Cel isn't in their chain of command and gears don't get offended if you have an opinion on the right way to configure them. Cel is great Azu & Hamid talking about Zolf! Helen is wonderful! I thought this was going to be drawn out and indirect, instead they are actually facing things head on and dealing with them. Aw these two are so good for each other. Azu would set aside her own emotions. Hot damn Azu, getting right to it! Hamid can be amazingly open about his self awareness and it surprises me every time. It fits him and is a very good thing, but going from answering "how are you?" with "the Kobolds are doing well" to "I never knew how to help him" without it being jarring made me do quite the double take. Guess I was expecting more deflection. Yeah well you two are redefining your boundaries, entire relationship, and rank in specific, while being the perhaps the only people with enough of the picture to figure out how to save the world. Working out the balance between conflicting views on that, when neither of you knows what the end will look like was never going to be smooth. Oh yes and none of you have directly addressed that half of Zolf's rank & dick measuring stuff is because he doesn't know if he even has a role if he isn't The Boss or The Healer.* Oh the grin in Alex's voice as he tells them there is something else before the brorb interview. Whisky tumblers for each? Quite a sigh there Ben News? Big news? While they were in the institute? They ought to sit down. Wilde get to it. Ah Azu & Hamid are holding hands. Poor kid with his prop. Letter? Ancient Rome? Sasha? Are all the fics coming true? Their founder "Askingus"!?! Oh Sasha, oh Zolf! Lydia! Oh the kids! She named the kids after the party. She even found her faith. A break? How the hell are we only half way through the episode. Also hell yeah Lydia deserves all the awards, that was an amazing letter. XD Ben! Oh Hamid, we reacted that way to the epilogue that way too. It really is okay, it was a good end. Yeah he could use a drink. Poor Zolf. Hamid gives Wilde a hug. "technically I think that makes Sasha my boss". XP be cryptic Alex, The RSB will have it figured out by Friday. Ok Zolf got to read the letter on his own. Azu lit 3 candles, because Helen wants me to cry. Hamid is at Zolf's door with a bottle and two glasses. Lydia this is a compliment to your skill. More direct than I expected from Hamid. Oh these two! Okay he is drunk enough to go there (angry at Zolf for leaving but he gets it). About time someone told Zolf directly he's grown. Aw Zolf puts him to bed. Thank you Alex! Ben! (okay fair, if any of Hamid was left he'd cuddle). Sorry Cel! Lydia wanted to break/heal our hearts more than she wanted the plot to move forward ;) Good plan: take the orb to the anti magic field, only those who have already talked to it can talk directly. Info control. Hive mind/telepathy directly addressed. Finally what Shoin eats is addressed. Ok Cel has some teeth on them. Hasn't fed it, is using the vibration to threaten to explode his brain, (no English doesn't have enough pronouns we are working on it)... Oh good point better feed it. Aw Zolf is possessive of the kitchen. Shoin is still Shoin. Cel is not happy about not being recognized. Nice to hear the boys working together. The Infection might block him from being directly aware of  being infected. Bullsh$% he backed himself up. Good point Zolf even if he does, they are separate lives, this instance can still fear death. Oh all the party have teeth, nice they don't have the "good guys have to be sweet & gentle with the baddies" thing Yeah Cel isn't stupid, the brorbs arm isn't a threat. Oh auto painting that will make the people theorizing on the bio side of how the Brorb works happy. A circulatory diagram, and am ocean of faces. Paints like a printer. A creepy charcoal sketch of London staring at the artist. *I swear on Rusty Tower if they let him hurt himself any worse because he thinks his new role is "a brick wall on wheels" I am joining the line to fight Ben in a Whetherspoons parking lot. Yes it would be in character but so would healing. There are other hills. Although seriously its been great having a character that shows so many of the aspects of depression that usually get left out. That Zolf is also a three dimensional character with a full personality beyond just "the one with mental health issues" while not making it look like those issues are tacked on or easy to handle? Stunning work.  

[blooms-of-ice]

Wyda is officially retired...for now. She had a good run, and I loved writing for her! GOD the existential dread I felt as I drew closer and closer to running the event that would end her.

Her story continues through another. Give a follow here! :D

I’ll be keeping this blog up as an archive, although I might still post every now and again. But since her arc is done, here goes! An unedited, unfiltered slurry of words-directly-from-brain-to-keyboard about Wyda! I’m warning you, this is true farm fresh to you stuff. And spoilers for many events in FF14. Read on if you dare.

Strap in, it’s going to be a long and bumpy ride.

Did I say that I love Primals?

Primal lore gives the FF14 devs a lot of creative freedom when it comes to designing bosses. Want the arena changed? Want something/someone to look absolutely wack? Want to spin up a threat without having a villain train for years prior? Bam, primals.

It also gives us, the players, the same creative freedoms when it comes to roleplaying!

The requirements to summon one are humorously low. At first, primals result from misguided and zealous beastmen shenanigans. Ifrit, Titan, Ramuh, Leviathan, Garuda...but then we get a bunch of weird summonings. Like when Ga Bu summons a funky version of Titan through his despair alone. Or when Yotsuyu brings forth Tsukuyomi because she really, really wants to see the world burn. Hell, Gilgamesh just thinks about his friend Enkidu in the presence of some crystals, and that’s enough to bring forth a primal. So I guess the only requirements for a primal summoning are 1) crystals and 2) thinking kinda hard? Strong feelings, especially negative ones, seem to be more effective but then again! What the heck happened with Gilgamesh? Who knows?!

But this is one of my favorite things in FF14. It’s a powder keg of a situation that will, and HAS, gone off multiple times.

Being tempered, meanwhile, is a fate worse than death. You’re forced to change sides and fight for the enemy. You don’t even find peace when you die - tempered souls linger in Eorzea thanks to how messed up they are by the process. But you don’t become a mindless servant either. *Points to Emet-Selch who is....kinda...on your side (???) but also on Zodiark’s side*

Things aren’t nearly as dark now that tempering can be cured. I’m very thankful, since otherwise my campaign would’ve had a very, very depressing ending. One that I originally planned for but STILL. I’m weak. ;_;

Riding off the Rails

Primal lore is flexible. In ARR, the rules are established, but later expansions took those rules and went “Well, what about this? And this? And this?” In other words, this is me admitting that I’m shameless and will stretch this lore until I reach the moon.

Developing Wyda was a ‘chicken first, egg later’ sort of situation. Though trite, I gave her amnesia in order to give myself an excuse for knowing nothing about FF14 lore (and because I was new to roleplaying). When I finally sat down to flesh her out, my mind kept returning to primals. I love ‘em and their potential for drama! So yeah, I was determined to make it work.

There were a lot of questions I had to answer. If Wyda is a primal, then why isn’t she tempering everyone she meets?! How is she getting away with being a ‘normal’ person? And how do I avoid power creep? I know, for a fact, that if I walked into an RP event and just said...hey. My character is a primal, are you cool with that? The answer would be a solid no. Nooooo! I’d tell that to myself! So I wanted to solve these questions in a fair way that would allow others (and myself) to remain immersed in the roleplaying world. Luckily, FF14 lore is like a bottomless chest of building blocks. It was just a matter of stacking them carefully.

Primals are summoned when someone thinks around some crystals (Ah, Gilgamesh...)

The primal’s purpose is based on the summoner’s desires, but with a monkey’s paw twist (Ga Bu’s Titan punching the other kobolds away is indicative of this)

The amount of aether used in the summoning determines how powerful the primal will be (Shinryu being beefy as hell)

Primals can be summoned out of thin air, or be channeled into someone’s body

When a primal is channeled, the summoner needs the Echo to resist (Ysalye and Ryne). Otherwise the summoner is tempered by their own creation.

Now, with those blocks in hand, I started spitballing...and it led me to this thought. If a primal’s purpose is to NOT be a primal, what happens?

Would they know that they’re a primal?

Can they still use their primal powers?

What happens when the primal is based off of someone who still exists?

For Wyda, I chose to swing this way.

Her memory is garbage because she’s a primal based on someone else. Even if you know someone really well, you can’t perfectly recreate/emulate them.

She’s normal-powered because all her primal magic is going towards suppressing her powers. Extremely inefficient. And she’s very human-like because she’s possessing someone else’s body, as opposed to being made purely of primal aether.

Primals temper whether they want to or not - aether leaks, and it corrupts. To solve this for Wyda, instead of leaking aether out of the wazoo...thanks to the nature of her summoning, she just leaks a tiny bit all the time. Not enough to temper.

But I also wrote myself into a corner. If Wyda isn’t going to behave like a primal, then how does she exist for so long? They need a constant source of aether to survive, and she’s not doing primal stuff since she’s too busy being human. And so...the answer is that she doesn’t. Once her aether runs out, then poof.

See? Fun! (But also pain. So much pain.)

Playing with Fire

Eorzea (like most fantasy RPG settings) is a nightmare factory. Most, if not all, who make their living ‘adventuring’ are scarred from what they have to face. For every success story (WoL), there are countless more tragedies (Avere). And even if you survive...who wouldn’t get trauma if you were an adventurer and it was normal for your buddies to be eaten by a beast, tempered by a primal, possessed by a ghost?

Which is to say, Wyda's scars run deep. Shit goes down. 

To repeat that in slightly more words: Wyda is an accidental byproduct of Cravendy’s grief and longing. At her lowest moment, Cravendy (a Seawolf pirate) thinks of her friend Dots and the unfairness of it all. And oops, there are crystals nearby. So now, we got Wyda walking around in Cravendy’s body, thinking that she’s someone named Dots. By the way, Dots is still alive! Very awkward.

Wyda is a denial incarnate. She is Cravendy’s dream for safety, family, and happiness for Dots. But denial does not erase the past, nor does it change how you feel. By existing, Wyda suppresses those feelings for Cravendy and freezes the other woman in the past. With the both of them like this, Cravendy will never accept her trauma and Wyda will be plagued with a stranger’s guilt.

Primal souls are weird. I have no idea where they come from, but they seem separate from the summoner’s. So as Wyda’s influence wanes, Cravendy’s soul begins to resurface. This forces Wyda into a cycle of self-discovery and self-destruction that, unfortunately, convinces Wyda that she ought to disappear. It’s a tragic conclusion she reaches after having her worldview shattered. She’s a copy of Dots, she’s a primal. What’s real, and what’s not? What even matters?

The Power of Love

Love is a persistent theme for all of my characters. For Cravendy, love is why she hurts, so she would rather forget it than bear any more pain. But Wyda is the opposite - she loves too much. When all else is a sham, Wyda trusts that the love she feels is real. And ultimately, this love dooms Wyda and saves Cravendy.

Wyda’s fatal flaw is her self-destructive selflessness. Thanks to being mistaken for Dots all the time, Wyda develops a low sense of self. Then events of the campaign erode that into nothingness. She’s a second rate copy full of brittle memories, she’s a fake! And discovering Cravendy’s sleeping soul only pushes Wyda further into her flaw. Here is my purpose, she thinks! My original! And I’ll save her no matter what, because she deserves to live!

But it’s a mistake. Certainly, Cravendy is saved, but Wyda deserves to be saved too. Although she loves with all her heart, Wyda never learns to love herself and see her own self-worth. She doesn’t understand that her friends don’t share her view of herself - as a worthless copy that can only find value in saving another. Her selflessness loops into selfishness.

Maybe Wyda will come back...She certainly has a lot to learn still!

The TLDR version of all this is that I accidentally pulled a Kingdom Hearts plot with this character, and now I understand, Nomura. I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU BRING BACK YOUR CHARACTERS. ;_;

[flyingcatstiel]

1of2 Tired of metas blaming executives / defending writers. Writers can write horrible endings. Proof - GOT, HIMYM, Lost etc. Executives didn't force those bad endings. Reading all these conspiracy theories feels like I am listening to Trump. Executives are homophobic but ok with incestous ending? I asked my SO (who never watched SPN) to watch SPN final with me. I quote him "didn't you say they are brothers. It almost looks like they are going to kiss - Ewww - is this what you want me to watch?"

2of2 Even if we look at bottom line - Executives - apparently don't care the fact that Destiel was trending FIRST world wide - in middle of pandemic, middle of historic US elections - such free publicity to gain more viewers and money - but they care about incestous endings which grossed out lot of people. I wish these metas and conspiracy theorists stop baiting people and stop defending writers. Even before covid - Dabb had intended for this bad ending with proof that only 30% will like it.

Oh, nonnie. If you have sent this just 2 days ago, I’d be there with you, all salty about metas defending writers. Today tho, after going through some serious posts about the CW involvement with the show, about Russian market, about professional dubbing practices I have my thoughts in different order. 

So, from what I’ve seen so far (barely past midnight November 26 in the US as of writing this). Jensen went to re record audio stuff for 15x18, most likely Cas confession scene. Now we have info from Latin America (2 separate dubs)  that Dean actually reciprocated Cas’s love declaration and only after that The Empty took Cas. Nonnie, this changes everything. The first thing so many viewers noticed and commented on was the weird way the scene was cut and how little emotions Dean showed. The running gag on twitter was that Jensen is homophobic and Misha strong-armed him into that scene. Non shipper said that it was platonic love declaration from Cas, coming out of nowhere. But most importantly, we, shippers were robbed from proper celebration of our ship going canon. After 12 years of sticking with the ship, they still took it from us. This is totally on the CW shoulders.

But also, this means that destiel was at some point greenlit by the executives to be reciprocated in canon. Until someone at the CW backpaddled in late September. The writers are not responsible for this, they are victims of these changes as well. Dean’s answer changes the emotional beats of several scenes in 15x19 in addition to the scenes that were cut. 15x19 has that strange montage at the very end which most likely was added to cover cut scenes, say like Lucifer, Jack and Cas scene in the empty? Because if Misha was in 15x19, that would mean that the prank call was never meant to be his last contribution. I mean, the disrespect to the fans, the writers and Misha, all in one episode.

And then there’s 15x20 which looks so weird that a lot of fans immediately said that it is a butchered episode. Thing is, we have no idea what kind of script was written pre covid, how much it was changed and when, and how much was cut out from filmed episode. I’ve seen posts sayin that the script for 15x20 was still in rewrites when they finished filming for 15x18. Which is very, very late for a shooting script. I personally think that Dean’s death was the thing Jensen disliked so much, but even then - we don’t know how it was framed in earlier scripts and how they arrived at that horrific scene in 15x20. 

I’m not saying that SPN writers are the most amazing TV writers out there, and I look forward times when we will be able to discuss all problematic stuff SPN is filled to the brim with, but. We just don’t know what exactly happened in the SPN writing room and how much executives meddled with it. COVID happened. Nothing of this is normal. This is why the most important thing right now is to pressure the CW for some answers. Look at them throwing Misha under the bus today. That tells you bunches how well they know fandom and how to manipulate us. 

Now about that incestuous scene, aka Dean’s death, and why homophobic executives would be OK with it but not canon destiel. Under the cut we go, mostly for space reasons. 

Ok, this is so funny but I actually just finished writing my second answer about wincest in 15x20 and had problems posting it and that’s how I learned that we broke tumblr and destiel went canon in spanish. Here’s my post, check it out bc I’m not repeating it  here. 

I think wincest, aka incest between two able bodied, adult male brothers is something casual viewer outside the fandom is not even thinking about. If it was sister/brother deal with intimate embrace, people would notice faster. But two masculine, 6 ft tall macho dudes during the death scene? Nope. Here comes plausible deniability which viewers also use to ignore anything “funny” between Dean and Cas. I’m glad that you and your partner noticed incest vibes, but, I’ve see plenty people even in destiel fandom being fine with such scenes between Sam and Dean. I’ve seen some destiel fans saying that they really loved 15x20, so, there are viewers out there for whom it worked. 

Now let’s look at the bottom line. TBH, I’ve no idea where to look? Where is the projected revenues for a show that is ending? You say that Destiel trending during pandemic is a proof that our fandom is huge, but. No one knew that we had such power! And trending on twitter is not something that translates into money easily. And it happened 2 weeks before finale. There’s no time to change finale anymore. I personally think that destiel fandom has been shrinking for past couple of years, since so many folks left due to bad writing and queerbaiting. But they came back for tweeting. At this point destiel is bigger than it’s fandom. I personally think that the CW would have benefited from canon destiel, but they made different call.

I agree with you that in general, fandom should not defend the writers so much and ought to be more critical about the stuff they write, but today, November 26, 2020, the game is happening on completely different plane. I’m pretty sure that we got a butchered finale, and I’m very much inclined to believe that it is somehow connected to their efforts to promote The Walker show. Maybe Dabb’s original finale was really bad, but show me the script then. If destiel was supposed to be reciprocated, then they might have gone overboard with bro love in Dean’s death scene. Only now, when destiel was one-sided, that scene becomes very wincesty seemingly on purpose. A good creative writing, in it’s finished form, is a very tightly woven fabric. You pull out some threads, you unravel whole fabric. And that’s what 15x20 is. 

2 days ago I’d be roasting metas who defend spn writers, today I want to storm the CW. (pitchforks anyone?) Destiel shippers were robbed, queer love story was censored, this should be the focus of or anger today, not the writers or actors. We can do both - demand truth about the Cas confession scene and roast original Dabb’s ending if we ever get it. 

ETA - after writing this up, I checked out some posts by blogs who debunk all conspiracies, including Spanish dub. They sound very convincing! But in that case we have to talk about long term queerbaiting that was taking place on this old CW show till the very last minute. Cas was used in promos for 15x17 he was not in. They (ppl who make promos) deliberately used Cas barn scene from 4x01 in those promos, then actual barn in 15x20 promo but somehow it is shippers who are delusional? Don’t start me on Song of the day. Angel with a shotgun for 15x19? What was that about? After 15x18 there was no official goodbye to Cas which made ppl to watch finale. Like? Even if the Spanish dub gets officially debunked by the CW and not some random blogs, we are left with the fact that destiel fandom was gaslighted during the last stretch of s15. And not only by writers.

And if this was the finale they so lovingly crafted and deemed to be good, where are the celebration of the SPN ending? Why we had to watch documentary before the episode? Why 15x20 was so short? Why Canada watched the episode first (and leaked spoilers online) They filmed after quarantine, the script had to be the usual length. And so on, fandom has been through all the things that didn’t match several times already. PITCHFORKS -> the CW

[fuckyeahcharmcaster]

Post 666 on this blog

How about commemorating it by analyzing a recent Twitter thread by none other than Geoffrey Thorne, writer of the much-maligned (and deservedly so) “Couples Retreat”?

Immediately a falsehood - McDuffie never ran Ben 10 and Thorne never pitched/wrote for it. 

It was Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (the rebranding of the series Ben 10: Alien Force) that McDuffie ran and Thorne pitched/wrote for. He should have used “franchise” rather than “show”.

REMEMBER THIS. It will be important later.

Hoo boy, here we go....

1. Given which episode it was, I wouldn’t call that “lucky”.

2. It seems like Thorne is definitely the guy behind the alleged spin-off Dwayne McDuffie proposed to the network. In regards to that I respect his passion, but not much else.

3. OK, some context is needed here: he is calling himself a “Charmcaster shipper” because this entire thread was sparked because one of his writer buddies who works on Supergirl was getting a lot of grief from Kara/Lena (”Supercorp”) shippers about how things have gone down on that show. But the problem is that this makes no sense - you cannot be a “shipper” of just one character. What he is describing is being a Charmcaster fanboy, NOT a “shipper”.

…..Where do I even START?

1. First off is the most glaring part: Thorne has completely re-arranged the order of events in his mind. The episode which making explicit that Charmcaster was evil and crazy, “The Enemy of My Frenemy”, aired BEFORE his episode, not after. Also, it wasn’t even separate by “a few weeks later”, it was literally just one week. I can’t believe he got this so wrong.

2. “There was much back patting when my Charmcaster episode came out”. HUH? I sure as Hell don’t remember much in the way of back-patting; most people were disgusted by it and also still upset about the previous episode. This is flat-out revisionist history on Thorne’s part.

3. I truly believe that Charmcaster being “straight-up evil and not a little bit crazy” was NOT meant to be the take-away from “The Enemy of My Frenemy”, which is why it ended in the way it did. But because what Charmcaster did in that episode was fucking genocide, that’s still exactly the take-away many viewers took away from it, and if even Thorne has come out and admitted that it was his take-away from it too, then you KNOW that episode fucked up.

4. “These were adults, mind you” - aaah, so in spite of him previously throwing shade at live-action folks throwing shade at animation because it was seen as “kids’ stuff”, suddenly he’s throwing shade at adult fans of an animated series for being emotionally affected by it. What a fucking hypocrite. I guess the millions upon millions of adult viewers who were outraged by what befell Daenerys Targaryen of Game of Throne are justified because that show is live-action, but there’s something wrong with adult viewers if they have a problem with this?

5. The biggest insight here: there really wasn’t any communication between the writers of UAF...and what’s more, Dwayne McDuffie didn’t bother tightening up the scripts enough to make them consistent, nor apparently did he tell any of the writers crucial information they probably ought to know when writing their episodes. Why was Charmcaster’s behavior so different in “Couples Retreat” compared to where “The Enemy of My Frenemy” left off? Because Thorne didn’t know about that episode. Why did Kevin suddenly act hypocritically scornful toward Charmcaster in “Couples Retreat” despite empathizing with her at the end of “The Enemy of My Frenemy”? Because Thorne didn’t know about that episode! Heck, it was clearly McDuffie who put in lines like “Charmcaster killed us” in the final script, since that little detail took Thorne completely by surprise when “The Enemy of My Frenemy” aired. I hate to speak ill of the dead, but Dwayne McDuffie SUCKED when it came to this franchise!

Thorne then talks of rude fan harassments he got afterward, and on this count I’m actually siding with him because that kind of crap is never acceptable. But then he gets to this, which he claims was an email response he gave to a certain belligerent fan before blocking them:

Oooooh, now he’s doing the number thing! Convenient!

1. Maybe not intentionally, but you certainly have been spreading several falsehoods. 

Also, you actually used the “Internet Tough Guy” routine? Really?

2. Solid point, but I do question just how many kids were “amused and excited” by the stuff that UA, especially in its second season, did. I especially question how and why a creepy, dysfunctional, possibly ephebophilic relationship is supposed to “amuse and excite” children.

3. HIGHLY presumptuous. Not every show has the same effort put into it, and even on shows were effort is clearly being put into one or more department, other departments may suffer. Game of Thrones is one such example: the writers there admitted to not giving a crap. No matter how stellar the acting, music, design, effects, etc. were the whole way through, the writing suffered more and more and it ultimately decimated the positive view of the series.

4. OK, I will personally agree with that statement. Others, however, may not.

Case in point, this excerpt from the South Park episode “Free Hat”:

George Lucas: These are my movies. I made them, and I have the right to do whatever I want with them. Stan:  You're wrong, Mr. Lucas. They're not your movies. They're ours. All of ours. We paid to go see them, and they're just as much a part of our lives as they are of yours. Kyle: When an artist creates, whatever they create belongs to society.

For the record, I believe there is truth to be found in both arguments. I think the ideal stance is somewhere in the middle, where creators are allowed to be held more accountable by the public for the things they put out but are also not controlled and told what to create by fans. Sadly, at the moment I have no idea how such a system that would enable this would work.

I post this last part because the replies it got from two Supercorp shippers are hilarious:

In one ear, out the other. I almost feel sorry for the guy. Almost.

But that does bring up a good final point: while the fictional nature of fictional characters should absolutely never be forgotten to the point where real people are being hurt (the Star Wars franchise has plenty of horror stories where that has happened) and it certainly sounds like there were some verifiable nuts who went after Thorne, there’s a difference between that kind of insane harassment and customers being able to use a platform to call out the creators when they feel like a huge disservice to characters who mean a lot to them has happened. Simply asking for some basic consistency and integrity to be maintained with fictional characters, or asking for creators to stop stringing fans of characters along with false promises like queerbaiting, is not unjustified. Again, I must bring up South Park here.

Kyle: I think... they are real. It's all real. Think about it. Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he... he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same could be said of Bugs Bunny and, a-and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the Earth. Doesn't that make them kind of "real”? They might be imaginary, but, but they're more important than most of us here. And they're all gonna be around long after we're dead. So in a way, those things are more realer than any of us.

Fictional characters matter to people in ways that are real. Fiction can change the world.

And I don’t believe asking that those characters be treated well is a crime of any sort.

[mrwiseandshine]

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Why do people bother with emacs?

It's not like any given feature is better, in any strong sense. And yes, sure, it can do anything, but convincing emacs to do something new is rarely easier than just installing a purpose-built program. Reproducible configurations based on config files are cool, but the emacs design philosophy definitely puts a lot of setup work on the user's back, rather than the creator's.

But fans of emacs, especially heavily-configured emacs, are very clear that doing everything within one program is inherently valuable to them. Why?

Have you noticed we hardly have computers anymore? Computers compute data. We don't have data, these days. We have apps.

/Apps/ have data, internally, and sometimes even provide tools for manipulating it. A good notes program gives you control over the data contained within your notes. This is legitimate and valuable. But it isn't general purpose computation. The web is even worse. Most websites are apps that don't even provide an approximation of general purpose computing. They only contain the content created on them, with barely the most trivial tools for import and export.

Most social media has the same fundamental features. Post text, maybe slightly rich text, with attached images and videos. Yet have you ever seen someone share a screenshot of a post on another social media site? Tumblr and Facebook are effectively identical in the types of media you can post. And yet somehow users find it consistently easier to share from one to the other via taking a screenshot. My theory? Screenshots are a top level function that includes better source and attribution detail than copy/paste, and can function in a single action on both text and images.

Someone who takes a screenshot of a post to share elsewhere is trying to access their data with their computer, instead of with an app. They have to do so via silly convolutions because software actively fights back against that effort. Emacs doesn't fight you for your data. Emacs packages allow you to legitimately manipulate it. To store it, retrieve it, process it, edit it, post it, while operating within a single paradigm and without needing to play dumb games to retrieve it.

This is its true value. With emacs, when you have a piece of text you can trust that you can actually just treat it like a piece of text. You can select it the same way you select any text, your keybindings work the same way as for all your other text. You can perform arbitrary actions on it, like you actually own the text, cause you do. That action can be running a spellcheck, or a search, or posting to your blog, or to twitter, or filing to your notes, or creating a hyperlink, or any other action that you can perform on whatever text you like, once you set emacs up to be able to perform it at all.

And I feel that's what most people really want out of emacs. A lot of them would be fine with using multiple programs, so long as they all actually worked, and weren't siloed apps that prevent general purpose computation. But it's hard to find programs, these days. You just find apps.

Roam has the potential to go either way, at this point. Right now, Roam is an app, even though it has some good integrations. I use org-roam instead, personally. Mostly for privacy reasons, because I like to self-host my notes repository. Roam has enough extra features that I'll probably change over once they add encryption. But it's also significant that I can view my filesystem alongside org-roam, and I can interact with my notes as data, not as app-stuff. I think it's worth paying attention to how to architect these features early, and in particular making the fundamental choice of how and whether to integrate Roam with computation as a whole.

Broadly speaking, there are three choices available. The first is to ignore this whole problem, and leave import and export up to individual integrations. If the community building your integrations is passionate enough, this may even work fine. Second, you could expose full APIs, and hope someone else solves the problem. Someone could build a proper interface for computation, and Roam could be easily set up to take the content and metadata the interface pushes to it, and provide the data the interface wants when asked. Or third, you could do the whole thing yourself, and build Roam-the-OS, with combined filesystem/backup/sync/social/annotation support, where everything you do is already inside Roam and taking notes is a fundamental operation across the whole of your computer.

I'm actually inclined to think the second option is best. Do one thing well, and all that. It's more elegant to have the interface be the fundamental operation and have it merely connect your data to the filesystem/backup/sync/social/annotation plugins. That's fully compatible with everything Roam ought to be able to do, and it keeps Roam itself more pure.

But also, is anyone building that? It's not me, I work in finance and don't actually know much coding. Athens is aiming their sights a bit higher, and integrating social in a way that recognizes its status as an alternative to or overlay upon the whole of the web. But everyone working at building emacs-like interfaces is just working on emacs itself, not reinventing the concept of an operating system. And so Roam has the opportunity to remake the world in its image, by solving the fundamental problem of app-based computing.

We could have a program that treats websites you've read and emails you've sent and margin notes on books in the same way, archiving them and exposing them to search and fitting them into your knowledge graph. Notes should not be a separate data type than social media posts, that instantaneously destroys most of the available value. The tiny scraps left over are enough that people want them dearly, but the fact that you can't annotate your filesystem still represents a deep disconnect from the true promise of the memex. We can do better. We can go further. We can /win/.

[drbacklinks]

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[maddiviner]

Hi, you reblogged some stuff about soulbonding and I was wondering what you think about it and why. Personally I think it can go too far, like the Sarah girl and the Final Fantasy house.

You’re asking for my opinion, right? Well, this is it, but obviously I can prove none of it. It is, by definition, only an opinion.

I’ve been aware of soulbonding since the very early-2000s when the term was popularized on LiveJournal and other sites. I first ran across it through the overlap with the otherkin community. 

At the time, I was still sorting out my own therianthropy and relationship to my therioside, so I lurked a lot of related communities. When someone’s wishkinning selkies as hard as I was… well, I encountered a lot of different perspectives.

I remember reading about how the term “soulbond” was coined by Amanda Flowers in the late 1990s to describe her relationship with her characters, and the concept expanded from there. 

I also found a (now-defunct) site called Soulbonding.net that documented the phenomenon (paradigm?) in some detail. I kind of wish that site were still around, but it seems to have vanished.

The site was pretty broad in its application of the term. It just defined soulbonding as the practice of interacting with mental constructs of (mostly self-created) fictional characters for the sake of better writing. I can’t remember if the site talked about soulbonds as spirits or just mental constructs, but a lot of people were agnostic about that, anyways.

What do I see with soulbonding? I’ve already made it clear on this blog that I see magic (and with it, spiritwork), as the birthright of humanity and all other conscious beings. 

Magic and spirit contact are veritable constants in human culture. Even in instances where the dominant culture strongly disbelieves or disapproves of those things, you still see them. 

For example, even in Puritan New England, young girls and other folk sought out occult practices, which ultimately led to the Salem witch hysteria. In other historical contexts we see a similar “return” to the occult; a skim of the works of Claude Lecouteux on Medieval peasant society proves that, and we see it with the legacy of Isobel Gowdie.

There’s just a certain percentage of folks who (for whatever mysterious reason) are always going to gravitate towards the spirit world. This happens regardless of what the dominant society indoctrinates in them.

With soulbonding, you have a lot of people who grew up in a culture where spirits were seen as either evil or nonexistent. This includes some folks who likely didn’t have the opportunity to investigate paths like Wicca or others which accept spirit contact. 

Yet, still, spirit contact happens, and it ended up being called “soulbonding.”

It is clear to me that some spirits want contact with humans, and humans reciprocate this intuitively. This is true regardless of what spirits you’re talking about. Pop culture egregores? Spirit guides? Self-constructed thoughtforms of happenstance? 

Hard to say, but at least some percentage of all of the above seeks human contact, just as some folks are naturally predisposed to magic and spiritwork in their own right. Different spirits tend to seek out different sorts of people, I think, but still, a sizeable minority of people gravitate towards the occult no matter the age they live in.

You’ll notice that I never tag posts with any “tulpa” related tags, and never write about the “tulpamancy” systems or “tulpamancers.” This is because I largely feel the word “tulpa” to be inappropriate in this context. 

That word has a distinct meaning in Tibetan Buddhism, and I don’t want to remove it from that context for the sake of describing a (barely-related) phenomenon. Therefore, I tend to use the terms “soulbond” and “soulbonding” to describe those experiences.

Soulbonding had major influences on my trajectory through various occult studies. In late 2009, my own experiences with a soulbond propelled me to seek greater context for the phenomenon. 

I realize a lot of people firmly believe soulbonds cannot be consciously forged, but I put a lot of effort into doing just that. I ended up with Katy G. for a few months, who fuelled a cyberpunk novella of mine (it was awful, but good practice writing).

Even when that was over, I still found it enticing and sought more context for the experience.This ultimately lead to my time studying chaos magic and the works of Peter Carroll, Andrei Vitimus, and Phil Hine. 

I mean, yeah, chaos mages can get mighty annoying on  Facebook these days, but the chaos movement has produced some real luminaries and sound techniques. I’m not saying all chaos mages are serious practitioners, but chaos magic in general has contributed a lot to magical gnosis as a whole.

I think the same is true of soulbonding as a paradigm for spiritwork, though it’s still pretty nascent. 

What I’m getting at is this: it’s a spiritwork context much more accessible than most such frameworks, and that’s a good thing.

I wouldn’t currently consider myself a soulbonder. While I do work with spirits, including self-constructed thoughtforms, none really reek of soulbond these days. It can be hard to quantify spirits, but that’s just my impression of my current contacts. 

My most recent experience with soulbonding was in 2014. I was (trying to finish) writing a short story about cyborgs, and ended up with vivid dreams in which I saw things from the perspective of one of the characters. It just so happened to be a particular well-meaning yet antagonistic antihero. 

It happened without effort on my part. Suffice to say, I was surprised to find myself in touch with my character (a corrupt corporate executive with many strong opinions about how he ought to be portrayed in my short story…)

Over a period of a few months, I worked quite a bit with that particular soulbond (thoughtform, etc), but the experiences faded once I finished writing the story. I can’t say whether or not I’ll forge another soulbond in the future, but I still fondly remember my earlier soulbonding endeavors, and where they ultimately led.

With regards to “soulbonding taken too far,” I think it’s a valid criticism in some cases. Any spiritwork, and actually, any magical technique can be misapplied or “taken too far.” But, with soulbonding, a lot of the risks were vastly over-emphasized online. 

You mention the “Final Fantasy VII house,” a particularly infamous online account of a summer spent with self-described soulbonders. As far as I know, the events described in that did actually happen.

Still, was it much worse/different than some of the cultish behavior that festers in other parts of the magical community? 

Hardly, and I believe it doesn’t taint soulbonding as a whole.

Of course, after that, we saw a massive surge of salacious accounts of “crazy” soulbonders posted online. At the risk of sounding like a conspiracy theorist (again), I believe a lot of these were hoaxes hoping to ride on the wave of the FFVII House story for the sake of internet fame and attention. 

On that note, the “Sarah Saga” in particular was a hoax. You can’t prove a negative without doubt, but so many things about the story are impossible or unlikely ($500 a month for a sparkly house in the Bay Area?!). 

There’s a ton of evidence that “Sarah” was based on a real person (maybe a soulbonder?) though, but it seems like whoever wrote the stories purposefully fabricated them around her. This was likely done both for the sake of verisimilitude, and for the purpose of launching an attack on her.

In other words, “Sarah” was real, but she never lived in that (nonexistent, probably) house, nor did she act in the ridiculous manner portrayed. 

Before you ask, though, I’m not going to link to any of the real-life “Sarah’s” sites, nor namedrop her. Let things rest, for heck’s sake. The girl’s been through a lot already over this. 

Suffice to say there’s zero evidence she started a “soulbonding religion” or lived off the donations of other soulbonders. It simply didn’t happen.

In the early 2010s, when Tumblr started getting popular, the soulbonding crowd had even more trolls to deal with. Most of this happened simply because Tumblr became a volatile space very quickly. 

Some of the trolls no doubt influenced actual soulbonders into some really misguided things, but that doesn’t mean all or even most soulbonding had negative effects.

So, essentially, I’m just saying that while soulbonding isn’t any safer than other forms of spiritwork, much of the hysteria surrounding it was just that - nonsensical hysteria fuelled by attention-seeking trolls and their misled followers.

In case you couldn’t tell from the rest of this response, I do see soulbonding from a spiritual/occult perspective. Some folks don’t. There are plenty of soulbonders who just see it as an interesting mental exercise. I can’t prove them wrong, but my beliefs are different. It’s not exactly something to be sure of, either way, I guess? Yeah.

So there you have it; my thoughts on soulbonding. I hope this response was interesting and maybe even informative. If anyone has any comments, let me know in an ask or reblog/reply! 

I may make a separate post just about my own experience of soulbonding, because the 2014 events were pretty interesting! It was quite an unusual treat and definitely stands out amongst my spirit interactions! If I write about it, I’ll tag it #soulbonding for easy finding.

[faketextsfromlastmight]

Best of tags #4

A compilation of my favorite reactions to this blog.

@kumaoftheforest on Mirio inheriting One for All : (Link)

I honestly feel like Mirio’s clothes would get blown off every time he’d us OFA

Best Jeanist could take him on as a sidekick: he repairs clothes, Mirio destroys them. Don’t forget to recycle, kids!

@utsushimi-camie on All for One being an illegal experiment on a live subject: (Link)

#this hilarious to me because i joke about quirk ethics laws all the time

Oh god, I would pay good money to watch a courtroom drama set in a super-powered universe. Can you imagine how busy the jurists must be in a society where people have different abilities yet supposedly are equal in the eyes of the law? They would have to write new rules whenever a new quirk manifested. Complete juridistical nightmare. I think Pixar’s “The Incredibles” kind of touched on that with citizens suing superheroes for destroying buildings while battling supervillains, but it’s framed as them being whiny. It’s a cop-out, in my opinion. The concept of superheroics is deeply problematic from a political and legal point of view, not to mention the issue of secret identities.

Granted, Horikoshi does seem to imply that the laws of BNHA’s universe are indeed complicated. There’s a lot of red tape in place to prevent people from using their quirks in key situations. Shinsou was not able to integrate the hero course because his quirk doesn’t work on robots, but one has to wonder if the entrance exam wasn’t planned to exclude people with mind-control quirks on design. It’s tough determining in which situations people ought to get robbed of their free will, so my guess is that U.A. High saved itself the headache and made sure people like Shinsou failed the exam. Shady.

It’s also apparent in the Stain arc when the police conveniently decides to cover up the way Todoroki, Iida and Midoriya illegally used their quirks. It’s completely absurd that these young people would be punished for arresting a serial killer, so law enforcement agrees to look the other way. But that implies they also do that in certain circumstances for some of their men, which has unfortunate implications. Do the policemen in BNHA’s universe routinely use their quirks even though they’re not allowed to? Urgh.

There are a LOT of things wrong with the superheroic system as it stands today. Gran Torino even admits that he got his hero license so he could use his quirk more freely and that he doesn’t do actual hero work. Apparently no one is supervizing him. The more you look at it, the more you realize that people like Endeavor and (early-series) Bakugou are not exceptions. They’re the extreme examples of the worst behaviors the system encourages.

@meowmeowmin on Todoroki trying to bond with a fly: (Link)

Flies only live for 24 hours

Don’t tell him that! Do you want the entire area to get frozen?

@bandanagiggle on Kaminari buying a vuvuzela: (Link)

Ms Joke sold it to him

The fiend! Worse part is, she told him to serenade Jirou with it.

@iputthepaininpainting​ on a Todoroki/Bakugou household wife swap: (Link)

Actually I can see this being very good. Bakugo's dad has a nice cup of tea w/ Todoroki's mom so they can talk about how much they love their sons while Mitsuki puts the fear of god in Endeavor!! Good stuff!!!

Let’s hope the children aren’t involved in this, actually. Shouto is very reserved so Mitsuki would always assume he’s sulking or hiding something. Bakugou’s constant temper tantrums would also be difficult for Rei to handle given her aversion to violence. Or maybe I’m being too harsh on Bakugou? He canonically knows she has mental problems, so I imagine he’d make an effort to be less abrasive around her.

That being said, Mitsuki may make Endeavor even worse. The last thing he needs to learn is how to replace his illegal, horrific abusive behavior with socially accepted, casual corporal punishment. Mitsuki is problematic but only insofar as the way she treats Bakugou is something society accepts. Bakugou is violent because he was raised in an environment where violence is a tolerated form of expression. The way she educates her son is terrible but it’s fair to remember that no one really taught her any better (not even her husband).

@pikazuku on Bakugou’s hug deception: (Link)

#This could go two ways#I don't know which one is the true route

When I wrote this I intended Bakugou to actually be sick. So he’s contaminating Deku on purpose and sparing Kirishima. It’s funnier that way, at least in my opinion.

@jukeydragon on Toga being the only girl in the League of Villains: (Link)

#but#uraraka#what bout magne?

I’m assuming you haven’t read the later chapters of the manga.

LIGHT SPOILERS FOR SEASON 4 OF “MY HERO ACADEMIA”:

Without explaining things in too much details, the League of Villains experience some changes in staff management to the point that Magne is no longer considered part of the League. That’s why Uraraka referred to Toga as “the only girl” in this post.

@pinkcandyphoenix on Midnight curing Eraserhead’s insomnia : (Link)

#Actually a Eraser head and midnight friendship would be really cute and wholesome#Bnha#I am tempted to write about it

As a dominatrix, Midnight is tough on crime and punishes any misbehavior in the strictest way imaginable. Eraserhead would definitely respect that. She falls into the same mold as Present Mic in that she looks like a buffoon but is actually very efficient and professional.

@hotforhandman on All For One being a better father figure than Shigaraki: (Link)

#😂😂😂 I don’t think afo is a good dad but this is funny

If All For One were a good dad, he would have told Tomura Shigaraki about chapstick. Joke aside, I do think that the worst aspects of Shigaraki’s personality (namely his petulance) were actually encouraged by All For One. He needs him to remain in a child-like state because his arrested development is deeply rooted in his devotion to his “Teacher”. The risk being that if Shigaraki matures, he might develop ideas of his own.

That’s probably why All For One is secretly satisfied to be in prison right now. Now that they’re separated, Shigaraki can grow as a leader without any risk of disagreeing with his mentor. In fact, his efforts to free All For One from prison will only make him more devoted. All For One needs Shigaraki to idealize him, not to see him for the piece of garbage he really is. Throughout the series we see that he actually remains pretty distant and communicates with Shigaraki through conference calls, which might be on design. He can’t let his pupil too close to him or the illusion of “good parenting” might be broken. The distance keeps Shigaraki yearning for his approval and affection.

@zerounitrgb on my answer to @eva-white-11‘s criticism: (Link)

I am... really tired of people interpreting everything as romantic/friendship. They didn’t choose their pairings, they stayed together because who splits up during an attack, and you’re right, Toko would probably go crazy for anyone that saved him and got hurt in the process. Not to mention Shouji is training to be a hero so he... you know... did his JOB.

Yes. That’s also why I have my own difficulties with Ochako/Bakugou and Todoroki/Yaoyorozu. I recognize that both boys acknowledged the girls were very good in combat and clever, but that’s not a compliment, that’s a fact. They’re just giving credit where credit is due. Although in Bakugou’s case Horikoshi was probably making a commentary on sexism (with Bakugou treating Ochako as an opponent first and a girl second), people tend to interpret them as him teasing a possible romantic connection. And that’s what unnerves him, actually; that our culture is so sexist that a man acknowledging a woman’s competence is automatically interpreted as romantic interest, because why would a guy compliment a girl on anything if he wasn’t trying to get into her pants?

My gripes end there. I actually like both ships, I just have issues with people presenting these interactions as “canonical” proof that Horikoshi is teasing anything romantic between these people. Characters compliment each other A LOT in “My Hero Academia”, it takes more than that to establish a relationship.

[johhhhhhnintheusa]

Guilt

I feel like I'm beginning to reach a precipice on my journey, after getting to San Diego.

I know that the issue I'm going to discuss isn't unique to me, because I've met other travellers who have echoed these thoughts. Either way, it's begun to affect me more and more lately so it seemed like a good time to talk about it here.

For the eagle-eyed people who...look at blog post titles, that thing is guilt.

Specifically, the guilt of not seeing certain things in a place when you're there, or feeling like you haven't done or seen as much in a place as you could've.

Now to an extent, this is unavoidable. America is a big place and I can't possibly see everything in one go. I know, it's hard-hitting, insightful commentary like this that you come to me for.

But I'm not one of those people with the energy to do something all day, every day. Sometimes, I just want to rest. I know rest is important so I don't begrudge myself that...much.

Sometimes though, I just like to do nothing. Well, not nothing. Stuff people would probably consider to be nothing in these circumstances. Reading, Netflix etc. Staying at home. I like it there. Not all the time, but sometimes.

And when that happens I'm conscious of the finite amount of time I have in this country, and that's when the guilt sets in.

There's obviously an easy fix to this situation: put down the phone, go out and do stuff.

But that sometimes runs counter to the type of person I am generally. At home, I'm not against spending days on end playing a video game I've completed multiple times in the past. Or spending hours on YouTube, Twitter etc. The question of whether or not those are things I should derive enjoyment from is something I've definitely struggled with for a long time. That's a whole other thing.

So when I spent roughly four hours yesterday watching Penny Arcade playing Doki Doki Literature Club on Twitch, did I feel guilty? Sure. But I can't deny I enjoyed it too. And to be honest, part of me just enjoys the fact that a large proportion of the people reading this will have had to go back and read that last sentence a few more times and still won't know what the hell I'm talking about.

Penny who?

Twitch where?

Doki what!?

More and more I've found myself doing things I just would've done if I was home. Like going to see movies. And it's hard to separate the things I enjoy doing with the things I feel I ought to be doing on a trip like this. And I know the easy response to that is that I should just do what I enjoy. I get that, I didn't say the guilt was rational, but I know it's something that exists.

I know a lot of this is in my head. I can see in my head the conversation I'd end up having when I get back...

"Oh you went to New Orleans right? Did you go to [insert place here]?"

"Oh, no I didn't."

"Oh, that place is really cool! Why didn't you go!?"

"Oh, I just...ran out of time. I went to see a few movies instead. One of them twice."

"Oh."

"Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, if you liked it then you should've put a ring on it..."

And then dancing, you get the picture.

Again, I know the proper response to that is to say 'hey, this is my holiday biatch!', slip on some shades and strut out of the room, but I'm still gonna be thinking about the other thing. With the oh's.

I suppose the moral here is that time is finite. But that doesn't mean you have to walk someone else's path. Doesn't mean you won't worry about the path you're on, or if you should be doing something else. But if something makes you happy, then do it, I guess. And if someone does end up looking down on you for what you've decided to derive happiness from, then that person is poop. I don't care for the opinion of poop and neither should any of you.

Fun fact, it's taken me most of the day to write this post. It was originally...pretty full on. I went back and forth on it. Just a bad day maybe. I think I needed to write this though, just so I can realise I knew the answer already.

Good talk.

[bthump]

Hi! I was just rewatching the first movie because I am not ready yet to re-read the manga. I think Guts' feelings of heartbreak in the end of the first movie are very palpable. After the assassination he wanted to see Griffith immediately (my heart!), but he had to hear that speech which fucked him up worse. So why did Griff say all that? He really values Guts, and maybe he sees him only romantically and that's why he doesn't see him as a friend. He's possessive but sees him as an equal 1/2

2/2 So I’m a bit puzzled and I am wondering about your interpretation, if you’ve already written a meta about that scene. What I think is that Guts definitely sees Griffith romantically so he was doubly heartbroken after hearing that he doesn’t see him as a friend or equal, so he wanted to leave in order to make him care about him seriously. But Griffith already loves Guts and respects him, so his speech is a bit contradictory. Sorry for the long ask btw I love your blog :)

Hi there :) Yk, I don’t think I actually have really talked about this scene in much depth.

My general default reading of Guts and Griffith’s relationship is that they are both romantically in love with each other but neither of them actually realize that they are. (Well, I don’t think Guts has ever quite realized it, at least not consciously, but I do think that Griffith figured it out during his year of torture.)

So in my opinion, Griffith meant his friendship speech.

I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that the conversation that comes right before the assassination attempt and then Griffith’s speech in the narrative included this exchange:

Griffith asking Guts to assassinate Julius was, in a way, a gesture of friendship. It was a request for Guts to do this for him, as a favour for a friend rather than an order from a superior, and Guts picked up on Griffith’s careful phrasing and accidentally rebuffed him. I think Guts meant this as a lighthearted joke, but while we don’t get to see Griffith’s reaction to it, I’m willing to bet he took it as a rejection.

Maybe not even a purposeful rejection - but certainly a sign that Guts doesn’t see him as a friend, but sees him as a superior first. I think this leads directly to Griffith’s speech to Charlotte where he proclaims that he has no equals. Like, it’s completely accurate, whether or not it’s arrogant as well - people either look up at him as a saviour or symbol of their ability to rise in the world, or look down on him as a symbol of corruption in the system.

I also think there’s another important aspect to his speech.

What he describes to Charlotte as a friend is someone who has his own dream, separate from Griffith’s, and would pursue it even if it meant clashing with him.

To Griffith, whose life revolves around his dream and who frames things like that because it’s how he sees the world, what this translates to is that a friend is someone who won’t die in service to his dream.

I think he tries to keep an emotional distance between himself and his Hawks because, frankly, they tend to die in battle, and it fucks him up (as we see in Casca’s flashback to the dead kid and the morning after Gennon.)

So he says the Hawks aren’t his friends because he can’t think of them that way. They see him as a perfect leader, he sees them as people who he will one day send to their deaths, simply by ordering them into whichever battle eventually kills them.

So when Guts re-establishes that he sees Griffith as a leader and tells him to order him to do things instead of requesting favours, it’s a reminder to Griffith to distance himself.

Of course, it doesn’t actually work. He can’t turn off his feelings for Guts even if he tries to ignore and downplay them (also see: I had no reason at all for risking my life for you. He can acknowledge that yeah, he did do that, but he can’t acknowledge why - because he loves him - not even to himself.) Guts is still the only person who Griffith allows to see and participate in the shady shit he does to rise to the top, the stuff that makes him feel dirty. He still risks his life for Guts. He still sends a search party after Guts and Casca despite going against the wishes of the nobles he’s supposed to be sucking up to, and then ditches an important meeting to see them in person. He still expresses concern for Guts’ safety before the Battle of Doldrey. And he crashes and burns harder than anyone has ever crashed and burned after Guts leaves lol.

(Now there is an obvious contradiction in that Griffith wants to be Guts friend and equal rather than the superior who will send him to his death eventually, but also won’t let him leave the Hawks, but that’s plain old fear of rejection imo, and not understanding Guts’ reasons for leaving, and an irrational emotional implosion lol.)

AND I think there’s a third aspect that ought to be explored: Griffith can only call an equal who would fight for his own dream a friend because this definition allows him to continue prioritizing his dream. To save Guts’ life at the risk to his own, rather than let Guts be killed for his dream, is, at its core, a betrayal of his dream, and the thousands of people who’ve died for it. But if his “friend” was an “equal” with his own obsessive dream, then in theory he’d never have to choose between his friend and his dream - it would be understood that their respective dreams would be prioritized. Another reason for the “and should anyone trample that dream he would oppose him body and soul… even if that threat were me myself” clause.

At the end of the day Griffith already loves and respects Guts, of course - he has from day one - but he can’t admit that yet, not even to himself, imo, because it’s a serious, serious threat to everything he’s built his life around.

Tbh I feel like there’s a lot more to say on this topic, especially how and why Griffith represses and denies his feelings for Guts, and what his dream means to him, etc, but I think I’m definitely going to end up writing a long ass analytical post about him soon because I’m really feeling all this nitty gritty Griffith stuff at the moment lol. But yeah when it comes to Promrose Hall I think this is pretty much my thoughts on what Griffith’s speech is about.

Anyway, thanks for the message, I love talking about this kinda stuff :) And ty I’m glad you enjoy my blog.

[the-real-xmonster]

On bias, and whatnot

Anonymous said:

Hi I'm that anon that just gave u feedback. Anyway, I was thinking that maybe when u make those posts, adding any personal assumptions could be something u do unconsciously, especially when talking abt skaters u aren't a fan of. Like using a certain skater as the epitome of very bad technique, demanding that most (if not all) jumps should be << or < and mentioning the Olympic oath. I think it'll be better if u just point these errors out without those side comments. -- -- In a way, those comments make it look like that skater is deliberately cheating and not doing anything, not working hard enough, instead of the real flaw that is the ISU judging system. Don't worry, I don't see u as a hater, but comments placed alongside those posts imo make it seem like u just dislike that skater. And yeah as I said, it'll be better if u can judge diff skaters on the same standards. Anyway, thanks for your kind response :) (sorry this got super long again) --AND I get that biases are unavoidable and u are trying ur best to keep things simple, but I hope u don’t do so at the expense of ppl thinking wrong abt other skaters. Your blog helped me learn so much about the sport and I really appreciate the effort! Again, thank you and sorry for these long-ass asks

Hey there, thanks for the clarification. I’m glad I understand what you’re referring to now. Honestly for one moment I was scared you were talking about my tendency to be partial to Yuzuru and to keep using him as examples in my tech posts - now that is something I won’t be able to change anytime soon.

We’re talking about Shoma, yes? So I’d like to clarify: no, I do not think he’s the epitome of bad technique. As I mentioned the other day, he is by no means the only skater on the circuit having a pre-rotation issue. I did use his jump as an example of PR in this info post of mine (which I think is the only one time when I brought this topic up completely unasked for), but that was because I was using the top 6 men as examples throughout the post, and among that group, Shoma is the only one with that issue.  

Now about this post, I did not write it with the purpose of demanding anything, The ask I received there was about why I appeared to treat Shoma’s jumps differently, so I was trying to explain that his jumping habits are quite visible and uniform across his toe loops, loops, flips, and Lutzes. I then went on to explain why, considering that fact, I’ve been opting to talk about his quad flip instead of the other jumps. True, I did say that based on my observation, I really ought to be demanding downgrade on everything except the Axel and maybe the Salchows. But that was by no means the main point of that post, and even if you take it to be the main point, I’d say it’s pretty factual: according to ISU rule, jumps pre-rotated by 180 degrees or more must be downgraded. You can argue with me about whether or not Shoma’s PR is visible enough in real time for the technical panel to make the call, but it remains a fact that, when you look at it closely, his PR is a thing that objectively exists.

By the way, technically his jumps should be called << for PR; I say nothing about the < call, which is used for under-rotation. In fact, I have said in no less than 3 separate occasions (here, here, and here) that Shoma doesn’t usually under-rotate his jumps. He might appear to, because of knee torque, but it’s usually not bad enough to merit a < call.

On my usage of the Olympic oath in a Shoma discussion, in that original post itself, I’ve heralded it by explicitly stating that it falls under the unsolicited part of my opinion. I have also tried to clarify my thinking further here, here, and here. I’d also like to point out that I’ve mentioned time and again that I never ever for one moment think that Shoma is not working hard enough. In fact, I probably mentioned it too much, because the last time I brought it up, I was given feedback that my comment came off as condescending - which is honestly completely not what I was aiming for.

That’s all I could think of to explain my point of view. I hope it helps clear things up.

Anonymous said:

I just want to say that I deeply appreciate every post you make, all the tech posts and gif posts and especially your posts sharing your personal opinions (they were the ones drawing my attention to your blog, and I love them!). I think the previous anon has no right to demand the things they said to you. If they want a pure technique info, just go google it. If they demand such a thing, they can either share their thoughts or simply unfollow.(I’m sorry,I feel really angry with that anon ask :(  

Anonymous said:

Hey, I’m sorry to see that you’ve been getting asks accusing you of bias. As far as I can see these people only know how to vaguely call you biased and aren’t able to actually point out where you were supposedly inaccurate in your posts. If you were really wrong, it would be easy for them to just point it out. It’s so very transparent of these guys to pose as neutral and unbiased saints when all they want is for you to stop criticizing their faves’ flaws. I say keep up your good work. 👍

Guys, thank you so much. I’m very happy you are not annoyed by my not-always-unbiased opinions :) I know that I have a heck of a lot of those especially when it comes to Yuzuru. I mean, lordy, I have a confession to make that the other day when I put his hydroblade jump entry next to one of Janny’s for a gifset, I blatantly cut off the part where he fell on his butt right under the spotlight (whereas she lander her jump perfectly) :)) I’m eternally grateful that no Janny fan has come forth to call me out on my borderline fraudulent and manipulative activity. 

For what it’s worth, even if it’s just about random stuff on the Internet, I do think that everyone should be held accountable for what they say and we should never encourage nor tolerate outright lies or defamation. I, however, do not have the full capacity to meditate on how every single line I write (and I do write a lot, unfortunately, please blame my natural wordy tendency) will be interpreted by every single person who will read it. If you have doubts about my intention/implication, do feel free to demand me to clarify it. I will do so, up to a certain limit, because I think that when I’ve explained myself thrice and you refuse to see the sense in it, we really should stop wasting each other’s time and agree to disagree.   

[kazeshinigami]

ANGEL. stuff’s under the cut bc it got long…

skyvar replied to your post

Headcanons make your portrayal more unique and gives the character more soul. As long it doesn't contradict Canon ur hcs, is your portrayal still Canon, sorta, just better because you can answer plotholes, explain this or that etc.

deusuprema replied to your post

^^^^headcanons are the heart of a rp blog together with writing!!!! as long as they are explored in depth and explained, they will only add quality to ur portrayal

zetsumei-shuuto replied to your post

((Tbh, heavily headcanoned portrayals are great. They're unique & add more depth. I understand your anxiety tho :// But your Shuuhei is great & lovable.))

meishutori replied to your post

//but consider this: your portrayal is GREAT /BECAUSE/ of how much headcanon you throw in. Makes him unique and shows your passion for his character!! We love you Angel!!! And your SHUU! <3

ANGEL. thank you all for your encouragement!!!! ;0; i can’t express how much your support means to me!! i just i guess want to check myself to make sure i’m doing everything i can to write shuu to the best of my ability (maybe that’s just on me as a perfectionism flaw idk), and lately i’ve come to doubt several aspects of how i’ve written him for the majority of my time here due to this kind of high bar i set for myself. maybe if i word-vomit a little about it, having second opinions can help me sort out if i ought to seriously change something or if i’m overthinking?

(1) figuring out how to write shuuhei’s personality is frustrating because he’s (as far as my memory can retrieve) more or less the only character who seems to have a complete personality switch whenever the situation is comedic. in (a) filler episodes, (b) extra omake comics, or (c) some light novels (i’m mainly thinking of wdkaly), he is portrayed as the clueless butt of everyone’s jokes. conversely, i can count on one hand the times shuuhei acts even remotely silly in the actual manga (with the main instance being in the second to last chapter). for the vast majority of the time, he is almost emotionless (aside from his interactions with/about tousen)? so it’s tough to put these pieces together in a way that isn’t self-contradictory. i always feel like there’s some side of shuuhei’s personality i could be writing better, but it seems like, in order to do so, i have to sacrifice one part for another part.

(2) as a side note to that, i still don’t feel like i’ve fully grasped all the nuances of shuuhei and kazeshini’s interplay. that’s really frustrating, since i think kazeshini is meant to expose a particular dark side of shuuhei’s soul.

(3) one of the things emphasized in shuuhei’s comic-relief side is his crush on rangiku. i know more than once he has a nosebleed because of her in these situations. i looked up the meaning of the nosebleed trope recently and it’s confirmed something i was already worried it would: this trope almost always means that the guy having the nosebleed has no other sexual outlet. since for a while i’ve been writing shuuhei as being very sexually active, this now makes me feel like i’m ooc on this point. but, because the nosebleeds only happens in filler episodes and such, am i even supposed to take it seriously? if i ignore it, is that just my being stubborn in not wanting to have to rethink my whole backstory for shuu and thereby invalidate a lot of the really great interactions i’ve had on here? did i write his backstory that way in the first place because i really thought that was the best way to explain what influenced him during his formative years, or did i just want to write shuu a certain way, regardless of if there was a better (and idk less problematic™) option?

(4) something that has come to frustrate me a bit about rp vs. fic is that an rper seems to be expected to stick to one set of headcanon for the main verse of their character. however, in fic, i have seen one writer explore many different incompatible hc for one character through separate fics that each highlights a different hc. there’s something really freeing about that, and it makes me want to write fic more? but at the same time, it makes me doubt why i’m even rping if i’m stressing this much about something that should be a fun hobby.

there’s probably more, but i can just tell i’m stressing way more than i should about this stuff.