disappointment4eb-blog

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Sry for being so inactive lately.. it's all kinda going down hill rn and I don't see a good enough reason to carry on with life. It's not just that I'm a pathetic guy that can't seem to cope with his very first break up. I am weak.. I don't wanna keep writing now, just wanna say I'm still here :(

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I am rly honestly starting to hate being at home. Everybody is down, dealing with the whole situation. I hate it.. my girl let my down, my family is broken, I am broken :(

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Life is unfair. Honestly today is my dad's birthday and tbh all of his previous birthdays were kinda shitty. He is a really hard working and caring father and a loving husband to my mother. Unfortunately my mother is hospitalised and can't be with us. I wished I could be there for my family more often but I am struggling with so many things. I hate it. I truly hate it. I am so sorry for him, yet I am so completely done myself, I can't help others. He doesn't get this. I really am thinking about suicide. But I can't do this to him. It is killing me! I can't because of my parents.. I can't do it on his birthday.

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You know what guys? I've just realised sth really sad. Even if my gf came back to me I would still not be happy. I would feel better. But not happy. This drives me crazy :(

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Seitdem meine Freundin mich verlassen hat, hab ich viele meiner kleinen Fehler erkannt. Aber auch ihre. So oder so sind all diese Sachen kein Grund, jemanden allein zu lassen, nachdem man ihm seine Liebe versprochen hat. Eigentlich sollte ich wütend sein, kann ich aber nicht. Seit kurzem bin ich eher leer und wenn ich eine schlechte Phase habe, dann richtig heftig. Das passiert seit einer Woche so einmal am Tag. Am meisten verfolgen mich die leeren Versprechungen... das hat mein Vertrauen echt kaputt gemacht. Dieses Lied, Schmetterling, beschreibt, was ich für sie noch fühle. Ich hasse das alles. Ich will nicht mehr.

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I'm a useless and weak person. I don't belong here. I need to escape. Fuck :(

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I don't know. In the past few days I was okay. I mean I didn't burst into tears when thinking of everything. This morning it came back.. yay. It's just that I have so much going on in my head rn and in the past week I was empty all the time and this is all too much for me rn. I just wanna get away from it all. I mean don't get me wrong but I like it better rn. Feeling something, even if it's sadness and loneliness, is better than feeling nothing.. so I shouldn't be complaining. Music, anime, manga, drawing and social media are the only things that keep me alive these days. Hope everything will turn out to be better soon. Anyways I hope y'all have a good day and achieve at least some of your goals this year. Mine is to lose body fat. I hate my body.

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Lately I been feeling empty. I don't really know why, I should be sad, feeling down, or something similar to these feelings. But I feel nothing. It is awful. I'd rather feel depressed and sad again instead of empty. Hopefully it's just a phase cause it's killing me. Maybe even more than the sadness..

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Tried out sth different this time. Opinions?

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Idk what to say. I hope y'all had a great start into the new year. I don't believe in all that, I mean it's just another day passing by. But what's it to me. I feel like such a disappointment. I want to try out new things but I'm afraid because I believe as long as I'm single I'm worthless. Because that exact situation was the case all my teenage years because I was fat. Then I lost 25 kilos and I actually found am amazing girl that loved me. I had the time of my life. Now that it's over I just can't seem to cope with it. I lost a lot of trust in people ever since. Don't think I'll give away this much trust to a person ever again.

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I'm looking forward to the day I'll meet my future wife. I don't want a good job, a nice car or a big house. I want to find love again and get married, have kids and I want to be truly happy with my soulmate.

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I'll just get the fucking belt round my neck and end this right here, right now. The pain of missing my girl after she broke up is too much. The closeness, the warmth, the way she was touching me. All this is gone and so is my will to live..

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Awwwww❤❤❤❤

Love, Peace and Pokee - By Mr.Pokee

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It hurts to know that this is reality.

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My favourite song currently.

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My mum is hospitalised for severe depression. Since that everybody @ home is supposed to be 'normal'. My love just broke up with me. In these times when I'm at my lowest (I have been low for 4 months straight, nb cares) I'm just a burden for everyone around me. I just can't live like that, without the love I was given, with all the feelings of guilt and the constant sadness inside me. I've had several suicide attempts, everytime I was too weak. I wish I could just hang myself right now without anybody blaming themselves for it. Life is a burden for me like I'm a burden to the people around me. Worst trade deal in the history of trade deals.