#maternal death cw

[drachliebe]

“ soon , mythia fell ill with a broken heart , her fire faded ...   i  organized a little blizzard . tyrion was too late . P.S. the lost egg was never found . ”

[baelonthebrave]

How could you made Sena that pathetic? Like I thought after you said you want to have non violent ending to dance, I was sure you will write a lot of good fucks and children popping like Alysanne but why you decided to make Sena so weak? Like, to me, you had dilemma whether you want to pull Aemma/Laena fate with her or to make her survive by some kind of miracle. You have done so great job at making her strong, only to write her as unable to make Aemond's dream of big family came true. WTF?

brooo this is the most sexist ask I have had in a long time. women who can’t have lots of children are weak? disgusting take. desperately hope you don’t have any women in your life who cannot conceive or have had difficult births if that is your attitude.

begging you to do a google search on medical history, women’s history, ANYTHING that will teach you how dangerous childbirth was before modern medicine, germ theory, epidurals, blood transfusions, caesarians, etc. it is still sadly a major cause of death in developing nations and why pregnancy is such a high risk, closely monitored health state.

in the books, targs die in childbirth even more often than other women. a lot of fans theorise it’s to do with whatever magic it is that makes them dragonriders and leaves their stillborn children malformed with dragon characteristics, or even just the inbreeding.

not that I think this ask deserves a serious answer, bc good lord that is one of the most offensive things I have read in a long time, but the idea was to not give too neat and happy of an ending, bc such a thing never happens in real life or in asoiaf. “Life is not a song”. And also just to show a deep and enduring love between two people with virtues and flaws, who don’t get their idyllic big family but are content with what they DO get regardless. I also often see a troubling association in fiction between women who are either physically weak or emotionally closed off being unable to bear children, as though not being able to have children is evidence of weakness or lacking in nurturing qualities/femininity. so I wanted to write a woman who is both strong and nurturing but just so happens to not be able to safely bear children. also just to show aemond as a rare man in this world who values his wife’s LIFE above his own legacy. the books are littered with men who all but kill their wives in the pursuit of heirs. in a way, that’s what starts the entire story of the dance when aemma dies.

so yeh. that’s a really vile opinion to go and drop in someone’s inbox. I just hope you’re very young, don’t really understand what you’re saying, and you’ll take this opportunity to go and educate yourself.

I can’t tell if this is the same person who dropped that rude ass ask in my inbox a few days ago (I think it is) but I had to answer this because it’s just straight up offensive and I really hope you can see why. I won’t be answering anymore of these though, so don’t bother!

[sealrock]

the major arcana, shuffled: 4/??

THE HIGH PRIESTESS; ⤉ spirituality, higher power, mystery, subconscious ⤈ hidden motives, secrets, repressed intuition, cognitive dissonance THE EMPRESS; ⤉ motherhood, femininity, nurturing, harmony ⤈ smothering, negligence, lack of growth, insecurity THE EMPEROR; ⤉ fatherhood, structure, authority, control ⤈ tyranny, domination, recklessness, rigidity

[azaracyy]

"true partner" click here for the uquiz created by @/niconicomuda on twitter

[shoutsindwarvish]

i just scheduled a meet-up with my rabbi to talk about my grief re: my grandma and i genuinely want to because i need it but i am also so nervous about it

which i find a little funny because he clearly does everything he can to be as approachable as possible and is soft-spoken and kind and would probably be bummed that i’m intimidated by him but it’s mostly because i think he’s cool and don’t want to fuck up somehow?? (jewish imposter syndrome is probably in there too. and definitely fear of being vulnerable, lol.)

anyway here’s hoping i’m able to actually talk and get something out of it and not be internally screaming the whole time

[magdaclaire]

you ever get waves of rage reading your biological father's obit

[chemicalarospec]

If you answered no, you should probably make one, no matter how old you are. Unless you own literally nothing I guess.

[reasonsforhope]

“Bangladesh has achieved a huge success in reducing infant and maternal mortality rates in the last five decades, securing the top position in South Asia.

According to the World Bank's estimation, the current infant mortality rate for Bangladesh is 21 deaths per 1000 live births making 85% decline from 1971 as the rate was 141 deaths during Bangladesh's independence.

According to health experts, Bangladesh achieved unprecedented success in every health index in the last 50 years since independence...

According to Health and Family Welfare Ministry, Bangladesh maternal mortality rate was 269 per 100,000 live births in 2009. The ratio has reduced to 165 recently.

The government has set a target to reduce maternal mortality to less than 50 per 100,000 live births...

After the independence, the Bangladesh government had put emphasis on maternal health, family planning, child nutrition and so on.

Special importance was also given on different five-year plans, health policy and latest health, population and nutrition programme. Special allocation was also kept at annual development programme (ADP) on those issues.

Annual Global Childhood Report 2019 of the humanitarian organization "Save The Children" says child mortality rate has reduced to a great extent in Bangladesh, Bhutan, India and Nepal in the last two decades.

Among the four countries, Bangladesh has made the highest progress. The child mortality ratio declined 60% in Bhutan, 59% in Nepal, 57% in India, [and] 63% in Bangladesh in the last two decades...

Family Planning Directorate Assistant Director Matiur Rahman said that 3,364 union health and family welfare centres are providing maternal and child health facilities apart from family planning services across the county.

Of them, 2189 union health and family welfare centres are providing 24 hour safe delivery facilities every day.”

-via The Business Standard, 6/14/22

[morebedsidebooks]

A Girl Called Eel by Ali Zamir

I’m telling you the truth, remember this, devil take me if I’m lying, an eel has no regrets, never and when she heads off into the mists nothing can stop her, even the most determined enemies of freedom, I’ve made choices in life, I’ve done as I wished, I chose my path and the speed I took it at, this is where I have to stop, where I give up the ghost and expire, while I’m still full flow, living my eel’s life, I deliver myself up, throwing myself in with a fearless heart,

There’s an idea that when you die your life flashes before your eyes. This is true in A Girl Called Eel by Ali Zamir with a proud teenage girl who drowning, in one last gasp offers a tragic life story. A winding run-on sentence forming a whole daring debut book. Memorable for the unusual philosophical style, achieving large accolades, added upon translation to English by Aneesa Abbas Higgins, this is a unique example of literature from the archipelago of Comoros.

A Girl Called Eel by Ali Zamir is available in English translated to English by Aneesa Abbas Higgins, in print from Jacaranda Books

[perfectoffering]

╰     cis man , he/him/his     ☆     𝐎𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐔𝐏𝐎𝐍 𝐀 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄 …   we’re introduced to SANTOS SALAZAR SANTIAGO , the TWENTY EIGHT year old GUIDE at EMERALD CITY ART GALLERY from enchanted falls who bears a striking resemblance to DARIO YAZBEK. the whispers in the wind tells us of their EASYGOING and IDEALISTIC reputation, that’s why the townsfolk often are reminded of once upon a time are the sweetest words in any world; if you don’t like the person you are, enough time and magic will surely make you a new one; the precocious child with his head in the clouds grows into an adult with rose-colored glasses; i don’t go looking for trouble, it usually just finds me.  they are often haunted by dreams of a life lived as BASTIAN BALTHAZAR BUX / THE SHAGGY MAN ( THE NEVERENDING STORY / THE WIZARD OF OZ ) .

i. it starts on a day like any other, like any good story. he's ten. intelligent, unpopular, being raised by his father: his only surviving parent. a dentist and a man too out of touch with his own emotions to guide his son through grief, bastian is alone most days. so he escapes. he's read every book he could get his hands on, devouring one novel after another with the frenzied desire only accessible to neglected children. and suddenly there's a book unlike any other. when you stop reading those other books, you get to be a little boy again, the grizzled old shopkeeper tells him. those other books are safe. he steals the book when the old man's back is turned, and quickly loses himself in the neverending story. he follows the great hero atreyu on his quest to save fantasia from the nothing, but both protagonist and reader are left utterly baffled when, in the final chapter, the childlike empress herself tells atreyu that he cannot save fantasia. but bastian can. ii. he gives the empress a new name, and she is reborn with a new identity. a new fantasia to rule over. she entrusts bastian with auryn, an amulet which gives the wearer unlimited wishes. it's only after the boy becomes a man while adventuring through fantasia that he learns the cost of bearing auryn. every wish steals a memory from the human who possesses auryn, until they find themselves helplessly lost in fantasia, with no memory of who or where they are. with only his own name and the memory of his father remaining, bastian spends decades toiling to reclaim everything he's lost. the lost memories have to go somewhere, and so they do. a mine, where each memory becomes trapped in the stone as a painting on canvas. by the time he returns to his world as a little boy again, he's lived to be an old man once already. some years go by, and then he meets a girl named dorothy. when auryn reveals itself to her, bastian expects their journey to end in fantasia. instead, he finds himself in a land called oz. ozma takes him in, and in exchange, he donates auryn to the emerald city. in fantasia, he nearly killed his best friend in a fit of power-hungry rage. he would not make the same mistakes again in oz. there, he's known for his compassion and his love. iii. in enchanted falls, truthfully not much has changed for him. while he doesn't have the memories of all he's learned in fantasia, the curse couldn't take from him how tender and full of love his adventures made him. he's a painter in his spare time, and teaches others about art for work. very rarely is he found without at least one other "oz" character, but he's very friendly -- albeit a little awkward -- and loves to help the people around him in whatever ways he can.

[adverbally]

This Must Be the Place

Written for the @steddieangstyaugust prompt “‘I didn’t know where else to go’” | wc: 2,262 | rated: T | cw: minor injuries, abuse | tags: steve’s shitbag dad, found family, wayne as a surrogate parental figure, steve is a munson now dammit, previous breakup, getting back together | title from “This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)” by Talking Heads

———

Steve sits in his car in front of the Munson house. He had helped them move in, just last year. He remembers dropping a box of Eddie’s books on his foot in the front yard and thinking he had broken a toe or two. Bringing the couch inside, with him and Wayne holding the ends and Eddie shouting unhelpful instructions from the doorway. Unpacking pots and pans in the kitchen while Eddie dozed on the sofa, still not fully recovered from his injuries. Kissing Eddie awake so they could sleep together in an actual bed.

It makes Steve’s eyes burn all over again. He scrubs at his face without thinking, then winces at the pressure on his bruised cheekbone and the sting of saltwater meeting the broken skin.

This was stupid. Why didn’t he just go to Robin’s? Her parents are nice enough. They would probably let him stay over for a few days, at least until his parents leave town again. But then Steve thinks about having to explain why he’s so beat up and why his dad was so mad, and it’s just too much for him to handle tonight.

Here, he won’t have to explain. It might be awkward, but he and Eddie have remained friendly even if they’ve been broken up for close to three months. Hopefully they’re friendly enough that Eddie will let Steve crash on his couch.

Steve gets out of the car before he can lose his nerve and forces himself to walk up the drive. It’s a pretty nice house, actually, not far from Dustin’s. Lush green lawn, solid red brick, shrubs beneath the ground floor windows. More importantly, the porch light is on.

He knocks on the door. There’s no answer. Great.

He wraps his arms around himself, trying to warm up. There hadn’t been enough time to grab a jacket, barely enough time to grab his keys and stuff his feet into the half-unlaced sneakers by the door, so he’s wearing ratty sweats and a long-sleeved t-shirt from his basketball days in below-freezing temperatures. He doesn’t even have socks on.

“Shit,” he sighs to himself. Maybe he’ll try Dustin next, since he’s in the neighborhood. He feels a little sick at the thought of Claudia Henderson fussing over him with the full power of her maternal concern, but it’s still better than trying to sleep in his car. Resigned to his fate, Steve is just turning to leave when the door opens.

It’s Wayne.

Somehow that’s worse than having to see Eddie like this. One year ago, Steve and Wayne were watching football and changing the oil in Eddie’s van and cooking together. Steve spent more time here than he did at his own house, and Wayne became more of a father to him than his dad had ever been. Then Steve had screwed that up, just like he screws everything up.

“Eddie isn’t home yet,” Wayne says, not unkindly. The rumble of his voice twists something in Steve’s chest. “Band practice.”

“I’m not really here for him, I guess, I just… I didn’t know where else to go.” He hopes Wayne will attribute the tremble in his voice to the way he’s shivering rather than the lump in his throat.

Wayne’s face softens and he pushes the door open wider, gesturing for Steve to come in. “You know you’re always welcome here.”

That’s it. The immediate relief and crashing adrenaline are more than Steve can handle, and he starts bawling right there on the Munsons’ doorstep. His jaw works, trying to form the words to say ‘sorry’ or ‘thank you’ or anything at all, but he’s sobbing too hard to speak, hunched over with the force of it.

“C’mere, son, before you freeze to death.” Wayne shepherds him inside with an arm around his trembling shoulders, shutting the door behind them before pulling Steve into a hug.

Steve doesn’t know how long they stand there, but it feels like forever. He knows Wayne isn’t a very tactile person, which makes him cry even more when Wayne doesn’t push him away, just lets him cry into his faded flannel shirt and talks to him softly.

“You’re safe here. It’s okay. You stay here as long as you need to, we’ll take care of you.”

When Steve manages to calm his sobs into hiccuping breaths, Wayne pats him on the back and lets him make the first move to pull away. He does, sniffling and pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes to counter the pressure in his sinuses. Crying always gives him a headache, and he expects it to be worse considering how hard his dad hit him.

“Sorry,” he rasps as Wayne hands him a tissue. “I didn’t–”

“Nope, none of that,” Wayne cuts him off, leading him through the living room, down the hall, and into the bathroom. “Nothin’ wrong with a good cry every once in a while, and you look like you earned that one.” He gestures at the closed toilet seat. “Here, let me patch you up.”

Steve tries to protest, but Wayne silences him with a sideways glance as he rummages in the medicine cabinet. “Thank you,” he says instead. The bright light in here makes him feel like a bug under a microscope, potential migraine trigger aside, so he looks down at the floor to reduce the glare.

Wayne starts with a warm washcloth, gently wiping the tear tracks and blood from his face. He stands between Steve and the light so it doesn’t shine in his eyes. “You don’t have to tell me what happened,” Wayne tells him, never looking away from his work, “but I’m worried about you, Steve.”

“It’s not that big of a deal.” Steve shuts his eyes so he doesn’t have to see Wayne’s expression. “I’ve had worse.”

“Does it have anything to do with why you broke my kid’s heart?” He sits the washcloth aside and unwraps an alcohol wipe. “Not to mention your own.”

Of course it does. Steve can handle his dad’s temper, but Eddie shouldn’t have to. Ending their relationship was a small price to pay to keep Eddie safe. If their breakup just so happened to coincide with the last time Steve’s parents were in town…

“Ow, shit,” Steve hisses as Wayne swipes over the cut.

With a gentle grip on his chin, Wayne tilts Steve’s head side to side for a better look at the wound. “Don’t think it needs stitches.”

“That’s something, I guess,” Steve says dully, trying not to flinch when Wayne sticks a Band-Aid over it, putting pressure on the surrounding bruise.

“Sorry.” Wayne looks him over with a careful eye. “Anythin’ else hurt? Your head?”

There’s a difference between what hurts and what Wayne will be able to do something about. “Not really. Just sore. Cold.”

Wayne nods slowly, staring at him like he’s trying to gauge his honesty. “Well then, why don’t I get you set up on the couch with some blankets so you can warm up?”

It’s a little pathetic how much better Steve feels, curled up on the Munsons’ old couch, cocooned in a thick blanket wearing a pair of Wayne’s old pajama pants and a worn Anthrax tee borrowed from Eddie’s closet. It smells like home, like Eddie and Wayne, cigarette smoke and stale beer and Irish Spring. Steve feels himself relaxing for the first time in days, no longer having to worry about his dad’s reactions to every little thing he does.

“You need anythin’ else, just ask, alright?” Wayne tells him softly on his way to bed.

“Thanks, Wayne,” Steve murmurs back.

He floats between wakefulness and sleep for a long time, thinking too hard to fully drift off. He doesn’t know what time it is when he hears Eddie’s key in the door.

“Hey, why is Steve’s car here?” he calls without looking, too busy juggling his guitar case and an amplifier while trying not to trip over the cables draped over his shoulders.

“Steve is here, too,” Steve answers, hoping he’s not loud enough to disturb Wayne.

Eddie turns toward him and his face falls. “Jesus, Steve,” he exclaims, sitting down his gear as fast as he can without dropping it. It ends up in a heap near the front door while Eddie focuses on getting to Steve. He kneels next to the couch to get a better look at Steve’s face in the dim light. “What happened?”

Eddie reaches out to trace the very edge of the bruise across his cheek. He barely makes any contact but the gesture is so tender and loving that tears spring to Steve’s eyes.

“Shit, I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Eddie frets.

“No, I…” He huffs out a pained laugh. “I’m so sick of crying. And I’m sick of missing you. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to let you go like that—”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Eddie hushes him and tucks his greasy, limp hair behind his ear. “We don’t have to hash it out right now.”

Steve shakes his head. “Let me tell you I’m sorry, at least. Please?” His voice cracks. “‘Cause I am, I’m so, so sorry. I was scared and I wanted you to be safe.”

“Sweetheart, it’s okay, I forgive you. I forgave you ages ago.” Eddie looks down and fiddles with one of his rings. “Like, when it happened. Dustin told me your parents were in town and I just knew that was why you ended things.”

“You see why I was worried?” Steve gestures at his own face for emphasis. “Not that it matters anymore. I guess Dad finally had enough. He said not to come back, that he was embarrassed to have me as a son.” He scoffs. “Like he even knows what it’s like to be a dad that’s more than just a sperm donor.”

Eddie’s face is dark with anger. “That’s his loss. He doesn’t know what he’s missing out on.”

“Is he, though?” Steve looks away as more tears overflow. “Missing out?”

“Yes,” Eddie says immediately, lowering his voice but leaning closer. “Anyone who has the chance to know Steve Harrington and throws it away– they can’t even imagine how much better their life could be with you in it. They don’t know how much protectiveness and compassion and worry and, and love they could have!”

Steve chuckles a little ruefully. “I guess that leaves more for you.”

“You’re damn right it does. Their loss is my gain.” His smile is fond, and he looks so beautiful in the lamplight with those deep, dark eyes and his nose still a little pink from the cold.

“I–” Steve clears his throat and tries again. “I love you. Still. Never stopped.”

Eddie laughs. It makes Steve’s heart sink, which Eddie must notice because he rushes to clarify, “No, I mean, I was trying to resist the urge to Han you. Um, like in Empire, how he’s like, ‘I know.’”

“It would be my honor to be Hanned by you.” Steve feels the smile bloom on his face, wide and genuine. It’s nice, even if it pulls at the edge of his bruise. “I would even infiltrate Jabba’s palace disguised as a bounty hunter to free you from your carbonite prison.”

“You’re hot when you’re nerdy.”

“I think you’re biased.”

“Come to bed with me.”

That stops Steve short. “Ed, I–”

“Just to sleep!” he clarifies. “Just, I don’t know, I hate the idea of you out here alone on the couch when you could be more comfortable in my room. The benefits of a government-funded mattress.” Eddie’s attempt at a joke falls flat when everything he says is so earnest. “I think we would both sleep better.”

He wants to, really wants to, and Eddie’s logic is surprisingly sound, but something within Steve is holding him back. It’s gotta be fear, it always is. Fear had forced Steve away from people he loves, kept him under his father’s thumb, made him give up when he should have tried harder. He doesn’t want to live like that anymore, not when Eddie is here on his knees, looking at Steve like he’s some awe-inspiring work of art, begging to take care of him.

“Okay.” Steve’s nod is small but his voice is steady. “Yeah, let’s go to bed.”

Eddie helps unwrap him from his blanket cocoon, steadying him when his foot catches in the hem of his borrowed pajama pants, and holds his hand to guide Steve down the hall to his bedroom. Steve watches him from under the covers as he throws his jacket over the back of his desk chair and strips down to his boxers. Eddie is beautiful, almost luminous in the dark, and familiar in a way that makes Steve ache. He missed him, so damn much, and he hopes he never has to miss him again.

“Don’t think I didn’t notice you creeping on me,” Eddie teases as he slips into bed, immediately scooting close to Steve and pulling him into his arms.

Steve grumbles, “I was admiring, not creeping.” And he’s admiring again, letting his hand trace across Eddie’s chest, down his lean torso. His scars are more faded than Steve remembers them being.

“I love you,” Eddie whispers.

“‘I know,’” Steve replies in his best Harrison Ford voice, which just sounds ridiculous.

They both start laughing, even as Eddie says, “You asshole!” and squeezes him as punishment.

With Eddie warm and solid next to him, giggling in his ear, Steve thinks he might actually be okay.

[merakiui]

Mera I saw your recent post about noncon jade thoughts, do tell 👀👀👀

👀 there are so many thoughts to share!!

(cw: yandere, nsfw, non-con, female reader, stalking, murder, obsessive behaviors, pregnancy, (for one of the concepts), oviposition, breeding, language barrier (for another concept), jade uses shock the heart on you <3)

✧ Jade who has been stalking cute, oblivious you. You’re so very pregnant, too, and because of that you’re often so focused on everything regarding your and the baby’s health that you fail to notice him. He stalks you, follows you wherever you go, adores watching you waddle about in pretty maternity wear. Even when you don’t intend to look nice or dressed up, you’re still a beautiful vision to him. Unfortunately, Jade’s always wanted a family with you, but you just had to go and get pregnant while he was bogged down with work. It’s upsetting and he’d sooner cut the one responsible for knocking you up into bloody shreds, but he can be patient. He can learn to love your baby even if they’re not his.

So that’s why he watches and waits for the right moment. The right moment to break in and subject your lover to a gruesome death. He knows you’d sleep through the roughest of storms, so he’s rather surprised when he hears your footfalls on the stairs. He’s in the middle of cleaning when you see him, the intruder in your home who's soaked in blood and standing over your lover's corpse. It’s quiet for all of one second and he opens his mouth to say something, but you’re just so beautiful in your nightgown and your bump is so round and filled with child and he’s so envious because this is what he’s always wanted and he’s never been able to have it and… He grabs you before you can run or call for help, silencing your screams with a hand held tightly over your mouth. You struggle, but it’s weak and awkward with your belly in the way. He soothes you with shushes, promising you he won't do anything if you stay quiet, but you're sobbing in his arms, trying and failing to muffle your cries because he told you being noisy won't end well.

Oh, you're more than perfect. You're everything.

Jade guides you back to your bedroom. You don't struggle much, but you're trembling, cradling your belly with shaky hands, and pleading: "Please, please, please... I won't call anyone. I won't do anything. So please don't hurt my baby."

Great Seven, he loves you! You make it so hard for him to hate you, do you know that? He couldn't even if he tried, and he's definitely tried.

Jade doesn't trust you, though, so forgive him when he frightens you, looming over you while he forces you to lie down. He's read up on positions, so depending on how far into your pregnancy you are he'll fuck you in the ones that are most safest and comfortable. He can't help it when your fear and trembly little whimpers make him so hard. And even though he knows he ought to wash the blood off before he does this, he's desperately impatient to have you. He's waited far too long; you must reward him for being good and waiting.

He'll work you open with skilled fingers, absently commenting about how your pussy clings to his fingers, breathlessly enamored at the way pregnancy has softened you. He's only put the second one in and you're already shuddering through an orgasm. You're truly the cutest; oh, how he wishes it had been him who got to knock you up. But it's okay; he can pretend for now. He will when he lays his hands on your belly and sweetly rambles on about how you're such a pretty mama, so good and loving, so perfect for this, so protective of your baby... He won't hurt them; he could never.

You're babbling beneath him, begging him to stop, that you're scared, that you don't want this, that it's all too much and it feels weird and you can't stop speaking in gasps and moans. Jade knows you better than you know yourself; you like this and (one day) you'll like him, too.

He almost cums the minute he slips it in. He's a mess and so sensitive. Normally he can keep his composure, but when you're so slick and tight, your walls enveloping every inch of his cock like they're starved for it, how can he possibly remain prim and perfectly composed? Sex isn't a punishment (not this time) and he's not upset with you and your choice of lovers. You have him now, and he's all you'll ever need going forward. So he's soft and slow, savoring every thrust, relishing in your voice as it wavers between fear and pleasure. He wants to hear his name from your lips; he whispers it between his own grunts: "Please... My love, my darling pearl, please say it..."

And you whine it, whimper it, sob it, say it in every way he likes because now it's the only name you know. Because it's scary to imagine what he might do if you say another man's name.

Jade's the happiest; he feels so whole and fulfilled when he's rutting into you, pressing kisses to every inch of your skin, cradling your rounded tummy and muttering sweet things to the baby: "You're so lucky to have such a wonderful mama... Oh, she's the most darling... I have to do my part to be a wonderful father, too. I'll meet your every expectation. That's a promise."

Now that Jade finally has you, he won't let you go. You're all his, but you already know that. You're far too defenselessly gravid to think about fighting back or escaping. It's better this way. Easier, even. And though he likes a challenge, he'd prefer one where it won't risk your and the baby's safety. After all, he loves you more than he's ever loved anything before. He won't lose you.

✧ Jade who uses Shock the Heart on you.

He's spent so much time wearing you down to a point where his UM will work, so when he catches and corners you you're already so mentally exhausted, so frightened of what he'll do and what he's capable of. His smile sharpens when you make the mistake of looking into his left eye. There are so many questions he wants to ask you, and now that you're under his temporary control he'll scrape the answers out of you.

He asks why you avoid him so much even though he can guess your reasonings well enough. He toys with you for the first few questions; most of them are things he's already well aware of. But it's fun to watch you speak the truth, to see panic reflected in your eyes when you know you're spilling the real reason behind all of your evasive behaviors. Jade suspects you expect him to lash out, but he's not so cruel as to punish you right away.

He needs the build-up.

He makes the mistake of asking who you're fond of, and though you try your hardest to lie your way out it just doesn't work. He's pinned you to the wall now, gripping your throat with a gloved hand. It tightens every now and then to remind you of the hold he has on you, magically and physically. Jade had braced himself for your reply long ago, so if you name a specific student you can be sure they've earned Jade's ire and dislike. He's terribly possessive; you ought to know this, and he tells you so while you shrink under his gaze.

The interrogation is a whirlwind. You're even more exhausted by the end of it, your mind spinning and filled with static. You feel so drained, hollowed of every damning truth you've done well to keep concealed. Jade licks his lips like he's just feasted on your fear and all of the truths you've uttered. It's cute you think this is the end of this exchange.

He has a proposition for you and you'd be wise to agree. He speaks his terms while his fingers dance along the hem of your uniform, teasing the fabric. Maybe he'll tear it from your person. Maybe he'll leave it be. Maybe he'll slide his hand under it to feel what's beneath. You're doing everything you can to avoid him, looking elsewhere and insisting you'll agree if he just lets you go.

He catches your chin between his fingers and forces you to meet his mismatched stare. For good measure, he slots his knee between your legs. He's smiling in spite of the friendly chill in his words.

"It's common courtesy to maintain eye contact when having a conversation. Surely you're not that much of a fool. Oh, but perhaps you are. You broke so easily under my command..."

You try to plead again: "Jade, please..."

But he won't hear any of it. He drags your face to his and seals the distance with a fleeting kiss.

"Per the terms, you're intended to say..." he encourages, digging his fingers into your jaw until it's painful.

You whine. "I... I like you, Jade! I always have!"

"And is that the truth?"

"It is. It is, I swear."

It's not and he knows this. But soon it will be.

It's a shame he can only use Shock the Heart once. He would have liked to hear the revised truth after he's done well to instill it in you.

✧ You save a beached eel merman from drying out, and as thanks he returns on a weekly basis to deliver goods from the deepest parts of the sea.

You can't understand his language, and he can just barely parse yours, struggling through foreign pronunciations. His language is musical and beyond whimsical; you can't decipher it on land, but in the water the sounds are much clearer. It's so pretty, but you have no idea what any of the calls mean. He clicks above the water sometimes, if only to get your attention while you're sorting through the trinkets and treasures he's brought you. For the most part, your bond is built through body language.

He spells a translation of his name in the sand, the letters wobbly: Jade. You spell yours in return and he spends weeks learning how to say it properly. Beyond that, though, neither of you can understand the other's spoken language. So you gesticulate a lot, and Jade understands most of what you try to articulate. You're a very amusing human. He likes to toy with you by bringing back skeletal remains or halves of his meals, bloodied and brutal. Your reactions are immensely pleasing, and he's so intrigued by your species that he continues to come back even after he's repaid his gratitude.

You bring him human things, most of which are things he's never seen or tasted or studied before. Everything you show him is so curious, and he can't help himself when he grows increasingly interested day by day. He keeps his hands to himself, mostly, if only to prevent you from running off. But you remain, even after he's scared you senseless with fish heads and their innards. He feels appreciated when you wait for him by your usual meeting place, and it isn't long before he becomes chained in a lovely habit. You are the current highlight of his life.

But then mating season rolls around, and he's left irritable, his plans put on hold as he suffers through what feels like a never-ending ache. He refuses to let go of the eggs he's made. He'll only do so if it's inside you. He's so adamant about this even though he's in such discomfort. So when he's hit his breaking point and his family encourages (or more so forces him) to meet you, he listens to instinct, tossing reason and logic aside. It doesn't matter if your species aren't compatible; he's determined to make this work. He loves you, he wants you, he needs you!

Jade seems...different when he meets you at your usual spot. His coloration is much brighter than it normally is, and the dark patterns striped across his body stand out starkly against vivid teal. When you reach out to feel his forehead, wondering if this is some sort of mer illness, he flinches and makes a sound you've never heard him make before. It's guttural and abrupt, almost like a growl or a groan. His claws dig into the sand, and his pupils are blown wide.

The pieces click together when he pushes you down onto the ground and drags himself onto the shore, trapping you between sturdy, muscled arms. He's heavy when he drapes himself on you, and you struggle beneath him, frantically asking what's gotten into him and if he's okay. He smiles at you; it's a shaky smile, and he looks at you like you're just what he needs to breathe. You're not sure what to make of this, but your situation only becomes much more harrowing when sharp, dangerous claws tear your clothes from your skin, shredding your panties in a haste. You shake your head hurriedly, but none of your words register. He can't understand you, and if he understands your body language he chooses not to listen.

He's saying something in mermish, but nothing makes any sense. You're certain none of it is any good, not when he reaches to cradle your cheek with a webbed hand, rubbing his claw along your jaw. The gesture feels fond, as if he's your lover, but you don't want that. You want him to let you go. And he keeps clicking at you, smiling sweetly, drunkenly, his front pressed to yours. He fumbles with your anatomy, feeling you all over and squeezing curiously in certain areas. Even the slightest reaction, such as a hitched breath or a gasp or even a whimper, has him zeroing in on the exact space that prompted that sound. You grasp at his shoulders, begging him to stop, but he silences your pleas with a kiss that's wet and sloppy, all tongue and saliva. You feel gross in the aftermath, breathless and horribly hot, and your throat tingles with a foreign heat. You think his saliva is responsible for your sudden bodily change, your every nerve alight with a growing need.

But that becomes the least of your concerns when you spy his slit, slick with a substance you've never seen any humans produce before, and horror dawns on you when his prehensile cock slides out. You thrash beneath him, horrified and scared and panicked. Something akin to sadness flashes across his countenance and he babbles at you in a series of fast, high clicks. You stare helplessly at him, mouth agape in horror.

He looks back with a wide-eyed stare and slowly parts his mouth in response. You don't understand the gesture.

"Mine..." he grinds out. "Mine to...mate." He rests his hand on your stomach and nods, and in three poorly pronounced words he's conveyed more than enough.

You shake your head at him, but he's so focused on spreading your pussy open. Despite his claws, monstrous and cold, he's delicate when he handles you with mute intrigue. You think he isn't intending to hurt you with his prodding, but then with the heat building in your core it feels so tantalizingly good.

He rocks his hips against you, and that strange cock slips between your folds. You don't have time to brace yourself for the stretch when he pushes inside, easing past rings of tight muscle, and you throw your head back against the sand, your cries strangled with moans. He clicks at you, but it's garbled with his own soft gasps. Briefly, you wonder if this is his first time.

He fucks into you like it's the last time he'll ever get to, his tail wrapping between your legs. By the time your first orgasm washes over you, you've already ceased struggling, too boneless to offer any resistance when your thoughts are compromised and your entire body screams to be fucked thoroughly. You don't think twice when he shivers against you, filling you with something slick. It's not very viscous, but it also doesn't feel like semen. You try to ask him what it is, but he doesn't understand. You're not sure you understand yourself either, what with all of the mindless filth you're babbling.

But then a second, much larger cock joins the first inside and if you weren't full before you definitely feel it now. You open your mouth to protest, but he captures it in a long, passionate smooch that quite literally steals your breath. You're whining into his mouth, loud and reedy just as something small and gelatinous passes through, settling deep in your womb. There's a second that follows and then a third, fourth, and fifth; and soon you've lost count just how long you've spent laid out on the beach, plastered to the ground like a beached whale, while the eel mer above you stays pinned to you. It didn't take you long to realize the little pudgy orbs are eggs, each one taking up residence in your packed womb until you're fit to burst. You lift your head from the sand to peer at your belly in the aftermath, a great round thing, bloated as if you've just eaten your fill and much more.

Jade is all over you, fondling and petting, beaming so proudly despite how obviously exhausted he looks. He's clicking again and this time you think you can understand the general gist of what he's saying: You did so well. Good job. But maybe his words are more fond than that. Maybe there's more romance to his speech when he looks at you like you're the most precious being in his universe (and you are, but no words from your or his lexicon could ever truly explain that). You're not sure if your guess is right, but you do know that this isn't the end. If anything, it's the beginning.

Together, you'll build a beautiful family. Your fry will want for nothing; Jade will do all he can to ensure that you'll carry to term and that the surviving little ones live healthy lives, and you'll be by his side, forever and always, his precious mate.

[ellecdc]

L…. idk if youre up for mega angst…. but how did cbbh sirius take the news of vix’s disappearance + death as it happened 🥲 like i cant imagine how deathly nervous he’d be at headquarters, hearing about the attack and anxiously waiting for his bestfriend and partner, holding out hope that they’d walk through the door with battle scars but alive …. Then a few hours later only James returns 🥲🥲🥲 pain

I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this *sniffles and throws this at you all* I hope it was worth it, because I'm calling the police (thank you for your support and your request, I love you)

CW: hurt/NO comfort, (believed) death of a loved one, grief, physical injuries, vomiting

I'll Find You

Lily had a bad feeling about this.

Granted, that was nothing new about this war, but something felt intrinsically wrong right now.

Lily and Sirius had gotten a message from Dumbledore stating Benjy and Emmeline had portkeyed back to headquarters to report on their findings, while Jamie and Y/N stayed behind to finish up the stakeout. 

Sirius met Lily at her and James’ flat where they decided to head to headquarters to await your arrivals.

The only way to access the headquarters was through portkey – for security purposes – meaning that upon arrival, Lily spent about twenty minutes having to soothe an upset baby Harry.

“Portkey is no way for babies to travel, huh Haz?” Sirius cooed at his godson. 

Lily wanted to smile at the view, but she couldn’t shake this heavy feeling in her stomach.

“Something’s wrong, Pads.” She murmured.

Sirius grimaced. “I don’t feel great about this either. I mean, two days of silence at a supposed Death Eater meet-up? What’s that about?”

They followed the sound of gentle conversation when they found Dumbledore and Minerva conversing with Benjy and Emmeline.

“We saw nothing yesterday. I think we need to consider where this intel is coming from because they were either way off or are planning something sinister.” Benjy could be heard saying, causing Sirius to suck in a sharp breath.

“Thank you, Mr. Fenwick. I’ll let you know when we have word.” Dumbledore said as he dismissed the two Order members.

“Mr. Black, Mrs. Potter. And baby Harry...” McGonagall was all business until she spotted the small infant in Lily’s arms. “May I?” She asked.

Lily handed over the child who went with little-to-no fuss.

“What happens if this tip was a bust?” Sirius asked Dumbledore.

Dumbledore took in a breath and looked between his two former students.

“If the tip ends up being wrong, or worse – fabricated – we may need to consider moving the Potter’s into hiding.”

Lily groaned. “There’s a chance the Death Eaters don’t even know about the prophecy.”

“Yes, but desperate people go to great lengths when they feel threatened. We do not want them to find out and, in turn, find you.” Dumbledore argued.

Lily understood; really, she did. But her maternity leave already had her feeling like she was in hiding, and she was sick and tired of feeling so useless. 

“There are Voldemort sympathisers in the Ministry, Red. We have no idea what they could know.” Sirius pointed out.

Sirius and Dumbledore spent the next while discussing different aspects of the war, next steps, new leads, past battles, and Sirius’ job at the Department of Magical Law Enforcement before Lily couldn’t take it anymore.

“What time were they supposed to report back?” She spat.

Dumbledore’s eyes moved to consider the redhead. “We agreed no later than 21:30. 

Lily looked down at her watch. “Well, it’s 21:45.”

The three sat in silence as they let that fact wash over them.

“They left at 07:45 this morning,” Sirius supplied.

“They met with Em and Benjy before apparating to the location together and scouting the area.” Lily added.

“Okay so fourteen hours in the field? That’s too much.” 

“It’s not too much if there hasn’t been any activity.” Dumbledore argued.

Sirius stood up suddenly. “We need to go. Where’s this location?”

“Son, that is not how things work. We cannot risk giving away our intel or sending more people into the front lines of a battle.”

“That’s my partner out there, and my best friend – I cannot stand here and do nothing.” Sirius spat furiously.

“You can, and you will, Mr. Black.” He challenged.

“We’ll give them 45 minutes. If we haven’t received a patronus from them in that time, we’ll reconvene.” McGonagall placated.

Sirius spent the next 37 minutes pacing a hole in the concrete floor beneath him whilst Lily chewed a hole into her lip.

The ringing sound of a portkey suddenly echoed through the room before a figure fell unceremoniously into the wall and slid to the ground. Lily could tell by the size and the sobbing that it was James.

“What happened?!” Sirius barked as all four adults stood and made their way to James.

“Trap. Trapped, it...” James huffed between sobs and coughs before he leaned over and threw up on the floor.

“What’s trapped?” Dumbledore inquired as Harry started to fuss in McGonagall’s arms.

“Minerva, can you take Harry away please?” Lily pleaded. The matriarch offered a quick nod and left the room with the infant. 

“Death Eaters - it was a trap - she knew.” James got out through gasps.

He was covered in ash and dirt with various wounds bleeding along his person.

“Who knew?” Lily asked.

“Vix! She knew!” He screamed in agony.

“Where is she?” Sirius asked quietly.

James continued trying to breathe through his hyperventilating.

“WHERE IS SHE?!” 

“She’s gone, Pads, she...” James paused as he threw up again. Lily couldn’t tell if he was sick from his grief or his wounds. Perhaps both.

“No, no. She’s not gone. She was just with you. You left with her this morning.” Sirius argued calmly. “Where is she?”

James shook his head as his face crumpled in agony and tears spilled from his eyes.

“She saved me, she...she made sure I got out. I’m sorry, Sirius.”

“I don’t need you to be SORRY, I need you to TELL ME WHERE SHE IS.” Sirius bellowed.

“Sirius...” Lily whispered.

“Fuck OFF. Where IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE?”

“Sirius, son, I need you to calm down.” Dumbledore spoke quietly.

“I need to find her. I’ll find her. Tell me where she is. Where is she?”

“She’s GONE. She’s GONE, I FUCKING KILLED HER IT’S ALL MY FAULT.” James sobbed.

“She can’t fucking be gone! She can’t! I just kissed her goodbye this morning, I just saw her! SHE WAS JUST WITH YOU.”

“There were anti-apparition wards up when she started to be concerned about – about it being a trap since we hadn’t seen anything all day. There was fiendfyre. They were burning the fucking building down. Then I was hit and I...I don’t know. She got us out, and then...and-and then a bombarda and she...”

“No.” Sirius said plainly.

“Pads.”

“No.”

“She told me, she told me to go. She said-”

“No.”

“She told me to thank you for her, that she didn’t regret a thing.”

“No.”

“That she was so grateful for you, and that loving you was worth every minute of it. She’d do it again.”

“Stop.” Sirius begged miserably. 

“She said she loved you.”

“SHE DIDN’T LOVE ME. SHE LOVES ME.” Sirius screamed.

“She loves me NOW! Not loved me past! I have to find her. I have to find her. Red,” He turned his sights to Lily.

“Please, please. I have to find her. Please, I have to. I’ll find her. Please.”

Lily’s tears were streaming down her face. “I’m sorry, Sirius.”

“Don’t be sorry! Don’t, I-” He looked desperately to everyone in the room.

“I don’t want anyone to be sorry! I just want her! I need her, please...” he sobbed.

“I’m sorry.” James repeated.

“STOP FUCKING SAYING THAT!”

“Sirius.” Lily murmured.

“I have been on countless missions with your wife, and I have always brought her home, back to you!” Sirius spat furiously at James. “I’ve never let anything happen to your wife. I TRUSTED YOU! Y/N... she-she trusted you!”

James sobbed again as his face contorted in agony.

“Sirius, that’s not fair.” Lily pleaded.

“Fuck off! What’s not fair is you get to go home with your husband tonight and Y/N is gone.” Sirius bellowed as his face fell in realization. “She’s gone.” He whispered. 

The room fell painfully silent as Sirius stared into space, murmuring to himself.

“She loved me...not loves me...I said goodbye...a kiss, she had breakfast, what did she eat? What did she have for breakfast this morning.  Oh gods, I can’t remember.”

“Sirius.” Lily asked gently as she went to touch his shoulder. He flinched away from her.

“I think she had cereal; it was cereal. She had cereal for breakfast. I think her bowl is still in the sink. Oh gods, her things. All of her things. She can’t be gone? She can’t be gone...I have all of her things. She needs her things...she’s-” He was cut off by a shuddering breath.

“My girl.” He whispered in agony. 

The other three members let Sirius gather his thoughts before his eyes flew to Lily.

“Lily...she...”

“I know, Pads.”

“I can’t do this without her.”

“I know, Pads.”

The heavy weight of the loss began to settle amongst the friends before Dumbledore spoke solemnly. 

“I think it’s time the Potter’s go into hiding.”

[rivangel]

PLEASE write about Levi’s mental state, i’m begging you

He’s faced death and precarious situations since he was born, yet he’s still standing strong and hopeful, WHAT THE HELL I LOVE MY SHORT KING

IT'S FINALLY HERE😭im sorry anon i hope you're around to see this and if u are i hope i dont disappoint

the tone in this analysis is so weird because i kept getting caught between 'this is an apa paper no contractions, academic language, double spacing -' and 'this is a tumblr post about a fictional blorbo wtf r u on'

i also use some scientific language i try my best to explain but if this turns anyone off i don't blame them because im unhealthily obsessed

*i'm a third-year undergraduate psychology student w/ a concentration in psychopathology

tw/cw: discussion of childhood exposure to sex (not assault)

Foreword

I’ve been putting this off for a while (I’m forgetful and this topic is intimidating what can I say), but being a year out from graduating with my bachelor’s to become a mental health professional, and being a Levi scholar(/hj), I wanted to give this a shot. 

I wanted to dissect and examine Levi Ackerman’s mental health “currently” (as in general canon), and explain as thoroughly but as simply as possible how and why he thinks and acts the way he does.

Seeing how AOT is pretty renowned for leaving out the ‘insignificant’ details, especially character details, a good majority of my assertions and even details of his life are built off of correlations and “signs and symptoms”; meaning some things could be an aspect of Levi’s personality, or a symptom of psychopathology. 

 I will examine his childhood (especially his childhood), adolescence, young adulthood, and “present” adulthood, with a short summary at the end of where he might be mentally after the war.

*Lastly, I don’t like it when things I say about a series or character are taken as fact or make it implied that someone else’s thoughts are “wrong”. This is partly built on headcanons anyway, which are influenced by my own experiences. Don’t take away from this that this is me telling you what to think.*

Childhood

The most important period of development occurs in infancy and childhood, especially from the ages of 3-6. This is when a child learns where to find security, love, and basic skills, gaining stability as they develop.

Well, Kuchel died when Levi was 4.

Maternal Love / Learning Empathy / Anxious Attachment Style

Levi was born into deep poverty within a violent unwelcoming environment. Basic physical needs must have been very hard to meet (i.e., consistently fed enough, a clean environment, no physical threats). And where Levi was born is like the dictionary definition of a bad environment for a small child, excluding only his mother’s care and love.

As it’s generally understood in canon (and suggested from Levi’s special backstory manga so far) she was a caring parental figure early in Levi’s life that loved him unconditionally. We can conclude that Kuchel did everything within her power to compensate for both parenting Levi alone and shielding him the best she could from his horrible surroundings, teaching the kindness, goodness, and love that Levi would internalize and go on to strive for for his entire life. 

As far as we know, no other children lived in the brothel. Socialization is just as important for a young child as receiving love. With this isolation, it’s extremely difficult to learn how to connect to other people, or pick up on social cues. Levi would’ve never learned how to interact properly with his peers—aside from use of aggression and violence which Kenny would go on to instill in him.

With the danger/anxiety imposed by strangers, mostly if not entirely men, he would turn to his mother for comfort all. The. Time. 

And she would give him that support and affection of course. This early motherly affection is integral to child development: a child who receives empathy and affection is subliminally taught how to feel and express empathy towards others. 

While Levi’s surroundings were dangerous, lonely, and chaotic—traumatizing enough for a toddler or young child—Kuchel provided a safety net from that, so I think that Levi developed an anxious attachment as a child: exhibiting clinginess, excessive fear of abandonment, and an excessive need for security and/or reassurance.

Paternal Trauma / Potential Androphobia

Born and living in a brothel, we can assume that Levi was probably seen as a burden and a mistake by others, especially by men (both the likely majority of her customers and her boss).

AOT ch69; Before the Fall, ch34

This is likely in contrast to the women (those living and working in the brothel like Kuchel). They should know Kuchel if not as friends, then acquaintances who could empathize for her and her son. 

There’s an obvious trend here. If Levi is going to feel fear/danger/anxiety because of men, he should have a general aversion to men and-or the behavior of men who he encountered as a child. This is impossible to know for sure or in meaningful detail, but it seemed to be resolved by the time he became an adult if so.

Although Kenny in his words was no more than Levi's teacher, Levi did see him as a father figure.

The subject of Kenny will be expanded on later, but it's clear Kenny in no way resembled a father, who also would go on to abandon Levi (at the age of 11 or so). Children without father figures tend to struggle more emotionally, psychologically, and socially. Specifically, (especially boys) tend to exhibit intimidating/aggressive personas to compensate for resentment, fear, and unhappiness. 

Sexual Trauma (Tangent, Probably)

This is unconfirmed but a likely trauma Levi went through: exposure to sex as a child. There’s no way to confirm what he experienced, so I’ll function on ‘probably’s’ and ‘most likely’s’. 

Because Levi and Kuchel only lived in one room, other rooms in the brothel should have belonged to other women, and he was at the oldest four, I wager that he was babysat by women who Kuchel knew and/or was made to hide somewhere while she worked, such as in a cabinet.

(for reference)

AOT ch69

The odds are high that he was exposed to the aftermath of sexual violence (i.e., marks seen on his mother), and the sound or smells that have to do with it. That young, he wouldn’t know what it was, but he should have realized later as an adolescent.

In general, children regardless of gender exposed to sexual content usually experience early puberty (which is just as likely for impoverished children, or children who experience chronic high-stress in general); issues with intimacy; become desensitized to high-risk behavior; negative/inaccurate expectations about sex and relationships in the future; influence inappropriate behavior with other children or adults; sex addiction.

This is especially relevant to Levi’s fear of closeness/intimacy in the future. Exposure to sexual situations—possibly not including CSA in his case—very early in life inflicts on a child emotions and stress they don’t have the intellect or reasoning to process or understand. An extreme aversion to interpersonal relationships, especially physical ones, results.

This stress Levi must have felt, being powerless to this happening to his mother, is a different beast. Children aren’t capable of handling high levels of stress, and so the brain will automatically create coping mechanisms: dissociation (a severe form of “zoning out”; observing the self “from the third person”; numbness; the feeling of living in a dream), excessive daydreaming/overactive imagination, symptoms of PTSD (nightmares and terrors; flashbacks; spontaneous activation of fight-flight-freeze associated with anxiety; excessive worrying/fear; loneliness/self isolation). PTSD will also be prevalent in Levi’s later life, which I’ll delve into later.

Inappropriate behavior and sex addiction are also highlights for me because they shouldn’t exist in him based on Levi's personality and behavior throughout the series. In my opinion, Levi ought to associate sex with pain, shame, and violence; he does see it as an ordinary job—a means to an end. He should be desensitized to sex as a concept, but associates it personally with shame, sadness, and pain, possibly feeling disgust towards it. So it is highly likely that Levi in every stage of life following this experienced sexual repulsion (usually associated with high anxiety towards sex), a low libido, or a lack of sexual desire entirely. 

From a trauma perspective, he could avoid sexual topics of conversation, sexual settings (i.e., brothels), or an array of things which are sexually suggestive or he as a child possibly associated with sex (i.e., cleavage, panties, specific touch). Similarly, he might avoid direct reminders or have a post-traumatic reaction to them, such as anxiety or flashbacks (i.e., the sound of a bed creaking, the sight of wet clothes).

Importantly, it can be concluded that sexual violence was often exhibited, and the idea would be ingrained in him that sex, like everything else besides his relationship with his mother, is “give-and-take”, “victim-and-attacker”, and learn to be repulsed by intimacy. This impacts his willingness for later friendships and relationships as we’ll see later. 

Early Abandonment & Early Exposure to Death

As Kuchel’s health deteriorated, Levi’s sense of security would break down. Availability of shelter, food, and emotional support would be even less secure than before. He might have been providing for Kuchel for some time, even, as it can be gathered that he received little to no help from those around him while she was sick. To whatever length he had to take responsibility and both fear for Kuchel, this would cement a sense of responsibility and guilt in him from the age of just four years old.

He will fail to save her—regardless of the fact that that’s not his responsibility in the first place; a child wouldn’t understand that—and then lose her with nothing he could do to even cushion the blow.

How powerless he must’ve felt. How hopeless. How likely is it that Levi found comfort in joining her? A child his age wouldn’t be able to comprehend death, basing our understanding on Piaget’s theory of cognitive development. To summarize, at the age of six or seven, children aren’t capable of complex, abstract thought like death or the finality of it. But Levi had to learn early. 

AOT ch69

This will be center in his “clean-freak” tendencies later.

Adolescence

Most of this section is going to be rather vague again, but we already got the bulk of that over with in childhood!

Emotional Train Wreck / Lack of Identity 

It’s hard to notice if you’re not paying attention, but in every scene we’re shown with Levi after his mother dies but before Kenny leaves, he’s wearing some variation of his mother’s one dress styled into a shirt. He loves her endlessly, even or especially in death. And part of cherishing her memory, to him, should’ve been taking after her as much as he could.

That’s how to explain why he didn’t become a cruel person (Kenny for instance) as he grew into a teenager, even though much of Levi’s outlook and behaviors come from him (ch57).

The more pertinent question is how extreme violence, reinforcement of the idea that that violence is power, and Kenny’s total (or most likely total) lack of communicated emotional connection affected him.

Levi would still desperately want that connection deep down, especially with his mother gone. This is a major reason why Levi sought to get stronger to please Kenny. For chronically abandoned people, that continues into adulthood and even beyond. A hole inside which can't be filled.

AOT ch69

Chronic loneliness—like I explained before—basically explains his aloof nature and awkward disposition. It’s not that Levi feels as detached as he looks, but he doesn’t know how to express himself or open up. He wouldn’t learn how to process his emotions, let alone talk about them. He’s basically emotionally stunted and immature in impersonal relationships (between friends and especially in regards to intimacy).

The Underground’s environment also makes him socially awkward, rude, of course stoic/not very expressive, and blunt. Levi was forced to become extremely observant of people to suss out their intentions, remaining vigilant of his surroundings at all times.

Levi doesn’t even get affection in any sense anymore. He doesn’t get a hug or a pat on the back, and he certainly doesn’t get a shoulder to cry on.

If anything, Kenny would punish him for showing weakness. Vulnerability is weakness; weakness is death.

What results is a continuous and boundless sense of emptiness inside that can’t be filled. He’s plagued by a chronic sense of unbelonging and loneliness. There’s no time or opportunity to develop “normally” as an adolescent. Socialization is limited at best; thinking of his place in the world is irrelevant when his one and only most pressing goal is survival; he doesn’t get to explore hobbies or interests.

OCD Propensity

One “interest” Levi is passionate about is cleaning, at least. Disease is what caused his mother to die. The easiest cause to point to would be their disgusting surroundings (although, Kuchel was infected by a customer). It is canon that Levi’s love of cleaning comes from "his personal experiences". In that interview, Levi first specifically references the important of fighting disease.

In other words, his "clean freak" nature comes, primarily, from the death of his mother: Filth -> disease -> death, and abandonment by extension.

His mother would’ve encouraged him to keep their room clean. There were times he or she had to have come down with something and dirtiness was the cause. On top of Kenny’s enforcement to keep up “clean” appearances to garner respect from everyone else in the Underground. 

This in particular is extremely relevant to his mental health. When someone feels out of control of what is happening to them, especially in a recurring way, and especially as a child who doesn't yet know how to feel stable in an unstable environment, they look for something to control. It can be weight, bodily functions (blinking, breathing, etc), dominance over others, or cleaning, for instance.

Fear of disease, the urgent need to have control, and the basic need for stability makes it obvious that Levi would become obsessed with cleaning. And moreover, developing OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I’ll go deeper into this diagnosis later.

Lack of Self Worth

Despite the acknowledgment throughout canon that he trusts in his own strength, it wasn’t always that way.

Canonically, Levi sought praise from Kenny by showing his strength because that was the only thing he received praise for. The conclusion Levi came to once Kenny left him was that he wasn’t strong enough (wasn’t good enough) to warrant staying with him.

In conjunction, Levi’s first conclusion was that he did something wrong, not that Kenny possibly had some obligation that forced him to leave the Underground, pointing again to his own lack of self-worth.

This scenario created a complex in him, the very root cause of Levi’s pain, the very foundation of what Levi would go on to prioritize in adulthood. If he isn’t useful to those he wants not to abandon him, he’s worthless. He’s only useful when he shows his strength. Every other aspect of him like his interests is either irrelevant or bland by default in his eyes.

He would go on to make it his mission to try his best to be good enough in order to save and protect the lives of others, but foremost those he cares about.

Young Adulthood

Our first exposure to Levi as an adult is in A Choice with No Regrets, his OVA/backstory.

(By the way, I’ll be basing this analysis off a mix of the manga and the OVA.)

Emotional Immaturity/Affective Dysregulation

Generally, Levi’s defining negative character trait as a young adult is his emotional immaturity/anti-social behavior. Yes he’s grumpy and rude which is always indicative of him, but he’s very quick to anger, too. He cursed at the Squad Leader who offended him (by assuming that because he, Isabel, and Farlan are from the Underground, they’d be dirty), and argued furiously with Farlan that he would kill Erwin—not because it was required for the job, but because he disrespected him—for a few examples. 

ACWNR ch2

He tended to be arrogant, too. Such as when he ultimately called a Scout who had experience with the Titans stupid for telling Levi to hold his swords in a certain way. He spoke to every officer the same as he would anyone on the street, having a remarkable lack of basic respect for authority. He was insistent on distancing himself from the entire setting and structure of the Scouts as much as possible, both to not get attached, and he found their mission childish/foolish. 

He’s rather selfish. There is nothing Levi cares about genuinely more than Isabel’s and Farlan’s lives and the job that will set them up with a good future. Farlan’s advice is the only one’s he takes and the only judgment outside himself that he considers, such as when Farlan asks him to not cause trouble with authority to keep a low profile, but even then he acts stubborn. Levi trusts nobody wholeheartedly except himself (until later in ACWNR).

There’s a cognitive dissonance in him. Growing up, and still as a young adult, Levi’s headspace is marked by fear and uncertainty, with his power as his source of confidence. The first time he kills a Titan (with Isabel and Farlan), he uses too much gas because he refuses to potentially risk his friends’ lives; when the expedition is upcoming, he abruptly tells Farlan and Isabel to find a reason to stay back, and that he’ll complete the dangerous part of the job on his own. 

Levi is full of repressed fear and uncertainty. He hides and/or buries all of it for the sake of self-preservation both emotionally and physically.

Antisocial Personality…?

It’s extremely interesting how a character as selfless, heroic, and empathetic as Levi exhibits antisocial symptoms. I’d even argue that if his childhood was spent entirely without his mother figure, then he might be a dictionary definition of ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder).

People with this disorder live day-to-day under the constant assumption that whoever is around them is “out to get them”/searching for a weakness to exploit. Humanity is made up of only prey and predators; morals are completely subjective, perpetuated by the society that surrounds them. This constant need to defend oneself, the effect of the exact trauma the potential sociopath experienced, combined with a muted emotional spectrum, results in a complete disregard of everything, including people outside of themself. They might believe they’re entitled to comfort or admiration, but overall, they’re intensely self-serving, often aggressive, and ruthless. 

Because Levi for instance learned to rely on violence both for “love” and survival, then he might fall on violence to manipulate a person or situation into serving himself. I see reason to believe that Levi could have grown into worse than Kenny’s image if it weren’t for his mother’s influence.

However, the greatest cause for deniability is Levi’s wide emotional spectrum (especially including empathy and shame), while a lack of shame is the most significant marker of ASPD . (It is arguably one of many testaments to his strength that a victim of so much suffering, violence, and cruelty could become a man as empathetic as him.) 

However, these tendencies may still be relevant: A sense of arrogance—both to the way Levi thinks of some who he perceives as weak and live without good morals—lacking issue with using deceit or violence to attain a goal, and living outside the rule of authority.

I go into more detail about this idea here.

Conclusion

As is true in general, there’s very little to say of mental development once someone has reached their early–mid-twenties. What we know of Levi’s young adulthood does reinforce his fear of abandonment, but he finds a cause where his strength and compassion can be “put to good use” and give to him a life that is worth living.

Conclusion: the ‘Present’/Diagnoses Overview

C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Levi’s emotional dysregulation (i.e., inability to sit with and process negative emotions), his difficulties in relationships, insomnia, negative worldview, absent sense of self, and finally, his persistent sense of unworthiness/worthlessness are all indicative of C-PTSD. It’s distinct from PTSD in that he didn’t endure one short-term traumatizing event, but he grew up surrounded by trauma and saw it as normal (e.g., gang violence, extreme poverty, death of a parent, (more presumably) physically and emotionally abusive parental figure). Levi as a child developed no understanding of a nurturing, secure environment. 

Negative/Absent Sense of Self

I’ve talked about this at length already, but it’s worth noting how Levi’s perception of himself must have changed when it was revealed that he is extremely strong physically not from his own efforts as much, but because he’s an Ackerman. 

His self-confidence and self-worth have always been built on the foundation of his strength. He’s useful if he’s strong, so he’s worthy if he’s strong. Along with the extreme high pressure his goal to kill Zeke put on him in season four, he might have gone to extreme measures to compensate for his strength he might have felt was “unearned” (such as excessive exercise for example). This is an aside, but it was a blow to him for sure.

Emotional Dysregulation

The causes of emotional dysregulation generally which he experienced are as follows: early childhood trauma, feelings ignored, judged, or invalidated at a young age, and physical and emotional child neglect. Beyond his first four years of life with his mother, Levi experienced all these things (early exposure to sex and likely exposure to domestic violence aside). 

It’s important to focus on emotional neglect specifically, when any and all perceived “weakness”, no matter how small, is unacceptable to Levi. He will never ask for help (being independent to a fault), he can’t define or process his emotions, and it doesn’t occur to him—and it could be a shock—when he learns that his friends care about him, not him insofar as how useful he is. 

As an adult, Levi appears to be emotionally mature, but I argue that this isn’t the case. It’s more accurate to say that he has better control over his emotions (in that he buries them or ignores them) with a mature outlook because of all his experiences with suffering.

Similarly, he’s not outwardly emotional not because he’s antisocial (as related to ASPD, not introversion), but because he’s so “emotionally constipated” that he’s numbed the vast majority of the time.

Relationship Issues + Fear of Abandonment

Because of his fear of abandonment and impaired emotional intelligence in close relational conflict, he’s extremely passive and/or passive aggressive. In order to avoid potential abandonment, he doesn’t go out of his way to win major arguments—such as threatening to break Erwin’s legs if he didn’t stay away from the expedition in season three, but ultimately giving in. He’s also more likely to sneak petty insults into arguments, give “silent treatment”, slam doors, etc. His kindness and exceptional empathy shouldn’t let him be physically or overly violent.

These are likely additions to why Levi doesn’t foster many close relationships.

Fittingly, as a child I thought that Levi might have had an anxious attachment style (clingy, excessive need for security), but as this possibility for security was removed entirely, and he was taught to not rely on others, he would develop more of an overt avoidant attachment in adulthood in combination (fearful-avoidant): making very few emotional demands—even though he has needs—withdrawing when there’s conflict, acting aloof yet fearing abandonment, having difficulty expressing emotions he feels intensely, and fear of depending on someone else.

Anxiety

His cool-headedness even in the heat of battle/war (other factors like experience aside) is exactly what you would expect from someone diagnosed with C-PTSD; he’s accustomed to chronic high-stress. But small stressors (i.e., a change of plans) are overwhelming and make him quick to anger/excessive annoyance.

OCD

Emotional dysregulation is also closely associated with OCD.

OCD is much much more than being concerned with keeping clean or organized. OCD is an anxiety disorder composed of anxiety-related obsessions and compulsions, such as frequent and disturbing thoughts or images (intrusive thoughts). These attempt to be managed through rituals (i.e., handwashing, counting in patterns). Although symptoms will fluctuate with anxiety, OCD at its baseline is a distressing disorder.

Since he was young, Levi should have had an incessant need to be in control at all times. A shining example of this is his mother’s death, an incident he couldn’t control but included dirtiness/disease as a cause he could pinpoint, so this anxiety with dirtiness becomes a major obsession, and the compulsion is cleaning. (Putting aside the fact that Levi enjoys cleaning by itself too.)

It’s a widely-held belief that if Levi has OCD, it’s contamination OCD, as it specifically has to do with an obsession with dirtiness and a compulsion in cleaning (i.e., damaging handwashing, ritualized bathing that may take hours). However, based on the multitude of times Levi was covered in blood and remained unbothered by it (Titan and human), and in fact the obsession’s lack of relevance entirely during urgent missions/situations, contamination OCD is simply not plausible. Instead, it’s general OCD.

There’s no way to know for sure, but I don’t see his OCD as mild or severe. Levi is an extremely orderly and balanced person, so it can be concluded he must have things done a certain way, routinely, organizational, or planned; when the dirtiness is “negative” (i.e., Titan blood, blood on a knife he used to kill Isabel’s attackers), he is never more rigid with cleanliness; it’s probable he suffers intrusive thoughts (likely of the violent nature), a fear of contamination, and/or counting ritualistically, but the most obvious compulsion is cleaning. He might have sensory issues, such as disgust if he happens to brush shoulders with a stranger; aversion to particularly bright lights, irrational rage towards “mouth sounds” (i.e., chewing, coughing, swallowing), etc.

EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified)

Levi should have a complicated relationship with food to say the least. 

In the realm of eating disorders, EDNOS is sort of a catch-all term when an individual doesn’t qualify for the diagnostic criteria of anorexia or bulimia, and it encompasses lesser-known eating disorders like Pica. It’s the most common diagnosis for clinical eating disorders.

I already covered how integral the early years of life are, and beginning at a young age, if children aren’t given a basic need like food, and they must seek out food on their own, it becomes an anxiety deeply rooted in the brain regardless of how well-fed they are when they’re older. There will always be an urge to have food available. Levi’s years in the Underground were spent either actively starving, or going about every single day having acquiring food as top priority. He was a young adult when he left, so it’s impossible to unlearn this (without extensive therapy, which Levi doesn’t seek). It’s similar to compulsions found in OCD: even though he logically knows that there will be a dinner after lunch, it’s impossible to put aside this worry. 

That may mean always having food stashed, eating too much—especially in his early years Aboveground when he’d eat as much food in a day than he’d eat in a week Underground— stealing food, or eating way too quickly (as someone who lived in a place where food was considered something of a luxury resource and threatened being stolen at any time).

The latter factor contributes to Levi’s suggested preference to only eat alone—joining the fact that Levi only eats with Erwin after expeditions. Eating in front of others should be considered a weakness to him.

As time passes with this easy access to food, combined with his extremely narrow sense of what makes him “good enough”, his relationship with eating may become toxic. Especially when the stakes of his worthiness are so high—literally life and death. He may think that he’s privileged to eat at all, and when he feels worthless, he restricts himself from that “privilege”. 

He may be so accustomed to the feeling of hunger, that it doesn’t immediately register with his mind when he is hungry.

Lastly, he may have a generally low appetite. This is often associated with depression, but depression is comorbid with C-PTSD.

Misc.

Some tangents/miscellaneous speculation about Levi’s psychology:

Queer?

Sexuality is formed and shifts due to a wide variety of factors, which most if not all are terribly understudied: genetics, hormones, and your environment/experiences. So again, my speculation.

With his fear of close relationships and negative experiences with sex, I think he should land somewhere on the queer spectrum, specifically under the asexual or aromantic umbrella (i.e., pansexuality/being panromantic (attraction to personality) and demisexuality/being demiromantic (attraction only to those he has an emotional connection to)).

MDD

The odds of Levi having MDD (major depressive disorder/clinical depression) are iffy. Most if not all of the symptoms are comorbid with childhood trauma and C-PTSD: Such as persistent apathy, guilt, and/or discontent; sleeping too much or too little; lack of energy; reduced or heightened appetite; irritability. 

Oftentimes, depression, C-/PTSD, and related mental illnesses cause unexplained physical pain, such as back pain and occasional tension headaches. “Stress hormones” like adrenaline are built-up in the body, and usually persist without physical therapy and-or medication (Disclaimer this mention is based on nothing more than Levi always standing with at least one hand on his hip).

Body Language

Similar can be said of his body language from a cognitive perspective. The vast majority of the time, Levi has himself closed-off in some way, usually by crossing his arms to protect his chest; a subconscious barrier between oneself and another person.

Also see this official art of Levi asleep.

Afterword

We’ve known it’s not just Levi’s physical strength and skill that makes him the strongest, right? It should take immense mental strength to make it day-by-day dealing with the trauma and issues that he does, but not only has he survived and continues to, but he lives heroically, selflessly, with the wellbeing of everyone around him as a top priority. He buries all of his pain by moving forward always and without exception regardless of how painful the present is. Living with “no regrets” should in mental respects be a guise for pushing his trauma down, too; there’s just no words that can properly do Levi’s resilience justice.

Part of me wants to go into detail about his later adulthood, but given how very little we know (right now), I think it’d be too speculative.

However, based on what we have seen at the ending of AOT, it’s comforting to know and plain to see that Levi wasn’t defeated when he “lost” the reason to be so strong, and even his strength itself; he didn’t lose his love for his friends nor of life. 

In middle age, based on Erikson’s psychosocial stages, the conflict that should enter Levi’s life is the idea of generativity versus stagnation. He seems satisfied with his life despite the negative effects of all he went through—grief, physical disability, inevitable mental scarring—and he’s still concerned with helping others, especially the younger generation in a world after the overwhelming devastation that was the Rumbling.

My speculated psychopathologies/diagnoses of Levi:

C-PTSD (insomnia prevalent)

OCD (contamination obsessions)

EDNOS