#maternal death tw

[perfectoffering]

╰     cis man , he/him/his     ☆     𝐎𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐔𝐏𝐎𝐍 𝐀 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄 …   we’re introduced to SANTOS SALAZAR SANTIAGO , the TWENTY EIGHT year old GUIDE at EMERALD CITY ART GALLERY from enchanted falls who bears a striking resemblance to DARIO YAZBEK. the whispers in the wind tells us of their EASYGOING and IDEALISTIC reputation, that’s why the townsfolk often are reminded of once upon a time are the sweetest words in any world; if you don’t like the person you are, enough time and magic will surely make you a new one; the precocious child with his head in the clouds grows into an adult with rose-colored glasses; i don’t go looking for trouble, it usually just finds me.  they are often haunted by dreams of a life lived as BASTIAN BALTHAZAR BUX / THE SHAGGY MAN ( THE NEVERENDING STORY / THE WIZARD OF OZ ) .

i. it starts on a day like any other, like any good story. he's ten. intelligent, unpopular, being raised by his father: his only surviving parent. a dentist and a man too out of touch with his own emotions to guide his son through grief, bastian is alone most days. so he escapes. he's read every book he could get his hands on, devouring one novel after another with the frenzied desire only accessible to neglected children. and suddenly there's a book unlike any other. when you stop reading those other books, you get to be a little boy again, the grizzled old shopkeeper tells him. those other books are safe. he steals the book when the old man's back is turned, and quickly loses himself in the neverending story. he follows the great hero atreyu on his quest to save fantasia from the nothing, but both protagonist and reader are left utterly baffled when, in the final chapter, the childlike empress herself tells atreyu that he cannot save fantasia. but bastian can. ii. he gives the empress a new name, and she is reborn with a new identity. a new fantasia to rule over. she entrusts bastian with auryn, an amulet which gives the wearer unlimited wishes. it's only after the boy becomes a man while adventuring through fantasia that he learns the cost of bearing auryn. every wish steals a memory from the human who possesses auryn, until they find themselves helplessly lost in fantasia, with no memory of who or where they are. with only his own name and the memory of his father remaining, bastian spends decades toiling to reclaim everything he's lost. the lost memories have to go somewhere, and so they do. a mine, where each memory becomes trapped in the stone as a painting on canvas. by the time he returns to his world as a little boy again, he's lived to be an old man once already. some years go by, and then he meets a girl named dorothy. when auryn reveals itself to her, bastian expects their journey to end in fantasia. instead, he finds himself in a land called oz. ozma takes him in, and in exchange, he donates auryn to the emerald city. in fantasia, he nearly killed his best friend in a fit of power-hungry rage. he would not make the same mistakes again in oz. there, he's known for his compassion and his love. iii. in enchanted falls, truthfully not much has changed for him. while he doesn't have the memories of all he's learned in fantasia, the curse couldn't take from him how tender and full of love his adventures made him. he's a painter in his spare time, and teaches others about art for work. very rarely is he found without at least one other "oz" character, but he's very friendly -- albeit a little awkward -- and loves to help the people around him in whatever ways he can.

[guldaastan]

source

[poswiecenia]

( ℜ ) PERHAPS HE SHOULD have let the matter go. adelinde had reminded him of the boy's sensitivity and he was well aware ( the boys empathy outmatched many a person in truth ; he'd not a clue how he managed at such a young age ) and the awareness grew tenfold as a sharp eye could see a mile away that his son's mind was running a mile. questions left unanswered in his head that demanded answers and crepus realizes once more that . .

FATHERHOOD IS HARD , especially when one was all alone in trying to figure it out on their own. he inhales slowly , coming to kneel on his good knee as he gently holds his boy's shoulders so that they both were at the same eyeline. his throat felt as it it were in the deserts of sumaru at this point ; unsure how to go about explaining what had happened to his mother.

HIS THUMB BRUSHES at diluc's cheek , a sad look forming within green eyes as he looked over his face. ❝ I KNOW , SWEET boy . . she would have wanted to be here with you -- with us -- but she couldn't. she isn't . . ❞ he trails off , jaw tight as he looks at the hand that sat on diluc's shoulder and for a moment all he could see was blood. blood that was not his or his son's but hers. it chilled him to the bone.

❝ SHE ISN'T HERE anymore. anywhere. like twiggy. remember how it grew unwell and , in time , it didn't respond anymore ? how we had to bury it under the large sunsetta tree out the back ? your mother suffered the same type of affliction as twiggy had. ❞ he murmurs -- he had hoped to explain this to the boy some other time but nothing was ever easy when it came to single fatherhood.

"Oh, okay..."

With one question voiced into the open at last, it's not long before another comes to mind, then another -- and the boy scrunches his little face, nose crinkling as he finds that he doesn't enjoy any of them.

In relatively short order, Diluc's tummy feels like it's full of butterflies.

Up until this point in time, the young master has never given his birth mother much thought before, but now he finds that he can't stop.

The floodgates had been opened, for one reason or another, and now he was utterly incapable of stemming the flow at such a young and tender age.

"But... Um..."

Why did she go away? Did she and papa have a fight? Did she not want to live with them? Had he done something naughty to make her leave? Did she not want him any more?

He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't really need to: not when the upset sits so plainly upon his face for all to see. Scarlet eyes gaze up at his father, threatening to spill over with tears--

And in the next moment, he starts to wail uncontrollably.

"...But I just want my mommy!"

[killed-by-choice]

FACT: Banning abortion dramatically reduces the rate of abortion— and the number of women dying from abortion

Restrictive state-level abortion policies are associated with not having an abortion at all. Calculated to account for the rate of criminal/illegal abortions.

“Women who lived in a state where abortion access was low were more likely than women living in a state with greater access to use highly effective contraceptives rather than no method” Not only are abortion rates lower where abortions are illegal, but unwanted pregnancy rates too. People are more careful. (From the Guttmacher Institute, former statistics arm of Planned Parenthood.) https://www.guttmacher.org/journals/psrh/2015/05/state-abortion-context-and-us-womens-contraceptive-choices-1995-2010

29% of Medicaid eligible pregnant women who would have an abortion with Medicaid coverage, instead give birth. Calculated to account for the rate of criminal/illegal abortions. https://bmcwomenshealth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12905-019-0775-5

Analysis of statewide data from the three States indicated that following restrictions on State funding of abortions, the proportion of reported pregnancies resulting in births, rather than in abortions, increased in all three States. Calculated to account for the rate of criminal/illegal abortions. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1580169/pdf/pubhealthrep00193-0013.pdf

Approximately one-fourth of women who would have Medicaid-funded abortions instead give birth when this funding is unavailable … Studies have found little evidence that lack of Medicaid funding has resulted in illegal abortions. Calculated to account for the rate of criminal/illegal abortions.

We find that a 100-mile increase in distance to the nearest clinic is associated with 30.7 percent fewer abortions and 3.2 percent more births. Calculated to account for the rate of criminal/illegal abortions.

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/pam.22263

rate of abortion is found to be lower in states where access to providers is reduced and state policies are restrictive. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9099567/

A wait time as short as 72 hours is enough to start decreasing abortion rates. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1049386716300603

Abortion decreased after being restricted: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4050978/

Michigan banned Medicaid from paying for abortion. Abortion rates dropped. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8135922/

The farther away a woman is from an abortion facility, the less likely she is to get one: https://www.jstor.org/stable/2134397?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents

Some restrictions were enacted in Eastern Europe in the 80s and 90s. The rates of abortion AND pregnancy rates both decreased.

Fetal development information and required waiting periods lead to less abortion:

A study in Louisiana and Maryland found that laws against abortion were effective at stopping abortions

Countries with abortion bans also have dramatically lower maternal mortality compared to other countries in the region with dangerously permissive abortion laws.

“Contrary to the notion proposing a negative impact of restrictive abortion laws on maternal health, the abortion mortality ratio did not increase after the abortion ban in Chile. Rather, it decreased over 96 percent.”

Mexican states that ban and restrict abortion have better MMR than permissive states: “Over the 10-year period, states with less permissive abortion legislation exhibited lower Maternal Mortality Rates than more permissive states.”

Poland bans all abortion except LotM and has the world’s lowest MMR (2/100000). Malta bans almost all abortions and has MMR of 6/100000

It also works in reverse. Multiple countries have seen an increase in MMR after legalizing abortion.

Guyana legalized abortion and achieved the worst MMR on the continent. (Compare that to Chile, which has constitutional protections for the unborn and an MMR that dropped by over 96% AFTER abortion was banned.)

Ethiopia legalized abortion and it made MMR worse: “Although abortion was not legalised on demand, it was legalised on broad socio-economic grounds: the Center for Reproductive Rights place it in the same category as the UK and Finland which, while not strictly allowing abortion on demand, do allow something close to that in practice.” … “Over the period of legalisation, the proportion of women with septic shock more than doubled, with the same result for organ failure. The proportion admitted to intensive care nearly tripled. Between 2008 and 2014, the percentage of women receiving post-abortion care who have severe complications increased by over 50%, from 7% to 11%. During this time, the proportion of women presenting with organ failure quadrupled, the proportion with peritonitis quintupled, and the proportion with shock nearly doubled.”

Ireland’s once-stellar MMR also increased after legalizing abortion. (Compare to Poland and Malta with almost total bans and to the UK where abortion is essentially legal in demand up to the second trimester.)

The pattern repeats in Asia. Nepal, where there is no restriction on abortion, has one of the world’s highest maternal mortality rates. (The lowest in the region is Sri Lanka, with a rate fourteen times lower than Nepal and very good restrictions on abortion.)

In addition, less people are being lured into abortion under the false impression that it’s “safe and legal”. If any of them die of illegal abortion, it’s because they knowingly committed a crime. There will no longer be cases like 17-year-old Roselle Owens, Sarah Dunn, Tonya Reaves and Cree Erwin-Sheppard (to name a few) who were killed by abortion because they were lied to about the risks.

[hussyknee]

I've never been able to touch Beloved after finding out what happens in it. Especially the fact that it's based on a real incident. Which was a common occurrence among enslaved Black women.

Thinking about enslaved women killing their own children to save them from the horrors of slavery; the only way they had left to save their babies from being subjected to the kind of unthinkable brutality that left the mothers themselves seeking death as release. Thinking of Margaret Garner slitting her own toddler's throat while the slave catchers hammered at the doors, and then turning the butcher's knife on her remaining terrified, pleading little children. Thinking of her hurling her baby daughter off the slave ship and, though her own attempt at drowning herself failed, greeting the news that her baby had gone to a watery grave "with frantic joy". Remembering Eman Basher, running with her children from end to end through Gaza, watching them run out of food, water and shelter, seeing their friends and family and neighbours murdered every which way, tweeting hysterically whether she should kill her children because it was the only way she had left to "keep them safe".

The horrifying depth of a mother's love and tenderness, dear God. The unimaginable brutality and cruelty that forced their hands.

That quote found scrawled on the wall of a cell in a Nazi concentration camp is never far from my mind: "If God exists, He will have to beg my forgiveness."

[yandereshingeki]

Eren J masterlist

Word count: 363

Content warnings: Grief, Maternal Death, angst

got this idea on father’s day but wrote it last night after reading a few too many sad quotes

It’d been a year since it happened.

A year since mother nature decided to be so indescribably cruel.

A year since his heart was torn out of his chest and shown to him; as a wailing bundle with a mop of black on her head.

She wailed; oh, she wailed so loudly, crying out for her mother. For a semblance of something akin to one. And it came in the form of sleeves from a tattered old band tee that cradled her with the most delicate hold, like she was coated with fragile stickers on every surface.

He’d stolen her tears from her, holding her close so that she didn’t have to cry, even when he did, wailing out for the same thing she had.

You didn’t come home that night. Or the day after.

He buried you out by the sea. Behind the hillside beach house you’d always dreamed of together. Where his family now came to visit, to help him care for his newborn as the single parent he’d never hoped to be.

He liked to sit on the porch with her when things got hard, in the rocking swing you used to love. He’d listen to the waves crash below like a symphony of memories of all the times he’d listened with you. The times spent hand-in-hand that he took for granted so easily.

All he had now was her. His baby, your baby that he loved so dearly in spite of what happened. He could never blame her, the remains of your heart stitched together with his that was still beating. She did nothing wrong, so pure and new yet already with such a heavy burden to bear.

She looked so much like him, but her eyes, they were yours. Every time they peered up at him through that innocent soul, that ocean of grief came back to claim him. She was yours. She was yours. You would never know how glad he was that despite your hopes that your baby would be born with his eyes that held the sea in them, she was born with yours.

As long as he was alive, she would be loved. And as long as he was alive, you would be too.

[wesxalexandre]

( TIMOTHEE CHALAMET . CIS MAN . HE /HIM ) - the chicago resident , ( WESTLEY “WES" EVANS ) , was heard blaring ( TAKE ME BACK TO EDEN / SLEEP TOKEN ) this morning . the ( TWENTY-FOUR ) year old is a ( WAITER ) in the city & has lived the ( WEST ) tower for ( FIVE YEARS ) . since being here , they have been told to be ( CLOSED-OFF ) , but also ( + INTELLIGENT ) , i guess we'll find out soon !

MUSE INSPO:

Spotify playlist

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BASIC INFO:

Full name: Westley Alexandre Michel Evans

Nickname(s): Wes

Age: 24

Birthday: October 24th

Hometown: Salem, Massachusetts

FAMILY:

Father: Laurence Evans (American)

Mother: Ada Evans (French)

Older brother: potential wc to come

Younger sister: potential wc to come

Daughter: Ivy Evans

IVY:

Name: Ivy Mae Evans

Age: 3

Birthday: November 13, 2021

Eyes: blue

Hair: brown curls

WES:

Appearance:

Height: 5'11

Eye color: hazel

Hair: curly and brown

Body type: lean, slightly muscular. Reference photos: back, stomach

Tattoos: spider on stomach, small butterfly on wrist

Piercings:smiley , ear piercings

Scars: one over his left eyebrow, scars on his back

BIO:

TRIGGER WARNINGS: mentions of child abuse, death, pregnancy,, alcoholism, cheating accusations, pregnancy complications, maternal death, grief, death

Ada's family moved from France to American when she was just a baby. They settled in Chicago and that was the life she knew until she was older and started college, she met a boy in college named Laurence Evans. The two immediately hit it off and they began dating. He was seemingly perfect and Ada quickly decided the she wanted to marry him some day. Despite the disapproval her parents had for Laurence, Ada eloped with him, moving to his hometown of Salem, Massachusetts with him. This is where they settled down and had their first baby together. Their first son was healthy and happy, and several years later they had their second son, Wes.

October 24th, 2000, Westley Alexandre Michel Evans was born a healthy and happy baby boy. They were a happy family, Wes and his brother were great in school and got along, Ada was a sweet stay at home mother after their youngest was born, and Laurence was a well respected officer on the Salem Police force. At least, this is how everyone viewed the Evans. Things weren't always great behind closed doors. Laurence had a temper and he and Ada would fight often, but it never got far beyond little arguments. That was, until an awful night on the force for Laurence. That one night led Laurence back to his bad habits of abusing alcohol. His bad temper worsened, the fights between him and Ada got louder, and finally, he began to accuse Ada of having cheated on him, claiming Wes was a result of an affair. This wasn't true and anyone could see it, given the resemblance between Wes and his father, but Laurence wouldn't let go of that narrative.

Things eventually got physical, Laurence taking out his anger on Ada and it eventually fell on the kids too, especially Wes. Wes did everything he could to protect his siblings from this, especially his little sister, and as he got older he would learn to fight back. And once Wes could handle his own, Laurence stepped away from hurting the family. As long as Wes was around anyway, Wes' older brother had left long before the rest of them did.

Life wasn't easy in the Evans' home and Wes started being reckless, going to parties, drinking, and sleeping around as he hoped to feel anything other than the emotional pain of living in a broken home. And one night when he was gone, his little sister was hurt by their father, and that was finally the last straw, where Ada decided she would leave him. Wes, his mother, and his sister left and moved to Chicago to be with Ada's family once more. At this time, Wes was nineteen years old.

Wes, his mom, and sister lived with his grandparents for a bit before they could get back on their feet. Wes' grandfather helped get him a job at a restaraunt in the city, and eventually helped Wes get an apartment in Marina. Marina is where Wes would meet Holland.

Holland was his neighbor, her laugh was contagious, she had a smile that could melt the coldest winters into summer, she was beautiful and instantly found a place in Wes' heart. They started dating soon after Wes moved in and they stayed together for years. When Holland discovered she was pregnant, they were both scared but they'd both talked about hoping to have families of their own some day, so they decided to keep the baby and figure things out.

It was exciting and terrifying all at once, but it soon turned to a tragedy, yet something beautiful. Holland went into labor November 12th. It was over twenty-four hours of labor that turned into one complication after another. There was an emergency C-section and Ivy Mae was brought into the world, but Holland didn't make it.

Wes was crushed because he loved Holland and wanted to marry her and have this family with her, and Wes often wondered if the universe was punishing him for something with how hard of a life he'd had even since he was a child, but he pressed on. Ivy was a reason to get out of bed every morning, a reason to smile again, and became his whole world.

As years went by, Wes got help in therapy as he tried to find a way to heal from his past and learn how to navigate grief in suit of fatherhood. Things have not been easy and Wes is still trying to work through these feelings and fatherhood, but he's trying and he believes Holland is watching him do his best and watching their daughter become a beautiful soul, just like she was.

[scarfacemarston]

Hey there! How’s your trip going? I have a question for you. What do you know about c-section procedures in the late 1800’s?

In my fanfic, my reader character is a doctor and I have an idea where she has to help a difficult baby delivery.

I was doing some research but someone closed all the windows I had open that I was reading. I know you bring a historical aspect to the fandom and I’m curious on your thoughts.

So, as you know by now, my trip is over. It went alright! It could have been so much worse. So, I actually studied pregnancy, childbirth and maternal and infant mortality extensively last year for the national park service. They wanted to know how to tell stories about the women who endured the process, so I'm a bit confident in my answer. C-Sections have actually been around since the Ancient Roman times, but were exceedingly rare to perform. They were seldomly used in the medieval times, but it almost always ended in the death of the mother, the baby or both. There were a few lucky instances in the 1700s of doctors able to perform the surgery successfully, but again, this was rare. It isn't until the late 19th century that C-sections were becoming more widely studied. However, your doctor oc will not be able to do a c-section. It is literally impossible at this point by "yourself" (meaning the reader.) C-sections were not the norm at this point because it was near guaranteed death for the mother. You only did it if you were fairly confident that the baby would survive and the mother gave her blessing - knowing she would die. The shock and blood loss were the main reasons if infection didn't take her later and too many doctors at the time did not know about hygienic practices. I have a doctor OC as well and he wouldn't be able to do it, either, so don't feel bad. Now, since this is fanfiction, you're of course free to do as you please, but your oc and my oc would not be able to perform a c-section. They would need advanced equipment and staff to assist as well as a reason to do so. By this I mean that not everyone was "allowed" a C-section. They were reserved for certain women. Strangely, it was mostly upper class women, but upper class women were also difficult in that if a doctor failed, there would be strong consequences. C-sections were not often taught in medical schools until late 1800s and even then, the uptake was slow because of the risks involved. By the early 1900s, this was becoming a more common practice. If your oc is a woman, she is not likely to receive this education. There were female doctors then, but the medical world was hesitant in educating women surgeons. (I have a pair of siblings, female and male that are doctors and that's something I've written about.) That doesn't mean she couldn't do it "back alley" style, though. So unless your OC has a team of doctors, lots of the latest tools and equipment and the advanced know-how, your OC is not going to be able to save the life of the mother and the baby. Perhaps the baby, but not both. I have sources if you'd like them, but it's heavy reading.

[slashify]

A small excerpt from the fic I’ve been working on for what feels like forever. Tw for cancer and maternal death. Very angsty so please take care of yourself. The whole fic isn’t this sad but it gets worse before it gets better. Eddie is twelve here.

They’d barely been home for two minutes when Eddie punched the wall. He’d stood there like he was shocked that he’d done it for a moment. There was a small hole in the thin wall of the trailer. A bit of blood welled on his knuckles. The look on his face when he turned around had Wayne opening his arms for him.

Eddie had practically taken Wayne out jumping into the hug. Wayne had steered them over to the couch. He had wondered when Eddie’d gotten too big for him to carry. If it was just that Wayne’s back was getting worse.

“They’re wrong, Uncle Wayne!” Eddie had gotten out between sobs, “She’s not in a better place! She should be here! If God’s not real then heaven isn’t either, and God can’t be real when there’s cancer! Why would he let that happen?! And why didn’t she,” he’d cut off then, dissolving into sobs. Wayne had held him, rocked him, let him get it out.

“I know, Ed. I know” He’d run his fingers through Eddie’s curls. Rubbed his back. Tried to soothe him, even though he knew it was too small an act for what Eddie had lost. And when the sobs died down, Eddie had looked at him and asked in a small voice:

“Why didn’t she want me?”

Wayne’s heart had broken a few times before then, but never that hard. He’d held Eddie tight. Held his arms and pushed him back gently to look him in the eyes.

“She loved you so much, Ed. Your momma just had some problems. She was trying to figure them out. She loved you enough to want you to have a home, and she knew she couldn’t give that to you until she took care of those problems.”

Eddie had taken that in. He breathed slow like Wayne had taught him.

[silksworn]

just casually adding to Ira's lore that she had a husband and daughter that she also lost during the fall of her house —

[kipocricyy]

 —— welcome to infinite entertainment! it's KANG SU-JI, who is the LEAD DANCER of PHOENIX. i’ve heard whispers that the 24 year old is pretty POISE but lowkey CAPTIOUS. also, doesn’t/don’t she/they remind you of CHOI CHANHEE?

pre-debut

kang su-ji spent his child hood in the coastal city seogwipo, jeju island, south korea.

he was born to a teenage single mother and raised by a village of women.

growing up he spent a lot of time attached to his mothers hip. she was a dancer before getting pregnant and even though her career ended she often exposed suji to the fine arts world.

it was during these escapades that he fell in love with it as a whole. from little music pow-wows on the beach to an entire broadway production, he'd fallen for it all.

in childhood, suji was a bit shy. he didn't yearn for the spotlight but rather the skill. he enjoyed honing in his technique and landing hard skills over putting his talent on display. but the most important thing about it is that he was indeed talented.

as he got older, money came a bit easier, no longer relying on his freshly eighteen year old mother and her waitressing job, but now being sustained herself in restaurant owning ad management, catapulting them from bordering poverty to upper middle class.

having to simply survive together made them close, almost best friends as they practically grew up together in their struggling lively hood, bonded mother and son by the arts.

as money picked up for their family, so did su-ji's opportunities. and though most idols wouldn't say it, his adjacency to wealth is what he felt catapulted his career.

he started doing ballet at a small, bamboo floored studio when he was three, and as their wealth grew he upgraded to the korea national university of the arts.

but his time at the korean prestigious school was short lived as his mother opened a new restaurant, on the other side of the ocean. her home town bistro had a new seattle store front, forcing the kang's to take the big move.

it was hard, he hardly knew the language and it was far more competitive in this field in their new home than back in jeju or the south korean mainland. eventually, to keep his hand in a few pots he found an interest in theater, both regular and musical while continuing his ballet career at the pacific northwest ballet school. there he became notorious for his technical skill and poise even if he didn't land a lot of main roles on stage.

after a couple of years of jumpstarting his mother's us flag ship, his mother made her way back to her home country, son and new fiancé in tow, the women's relationship quiet and sweet.

upon their return, his mother pushed him to do something with his ballet and stage talents etc. and with out many options with his little connections outside of his teachers, su-ji took to auditioning at various companies until he was brought on to a small company to be a background dancer for their few idols

pre-debut career

after working with the idols at his parent company, su-ji became very regarded especially for feminine and delicate choreo or partner songs for idols and even landed a gig as a dancer for a few well known idols as well as the former group that KAISO was the leader of.

when auditioning to be a back up dancer for artist at the company when he offered the job of being a trainee for infinite's upcoming boy group.

at first he was apprehensive, the training to be an idol was rigorous and while musical theater in school helped a bit of his performance, he'd never added singing to hard hitting choreography.

he'd done one or the other and mayhaps a shimmy or two in theater but not to the level the idol regiment was.

in his two years of training he always fell right behind the top slots, often hearing feedback about needing to relax and actually put himself into the music, grooming him to be seen when he wasn't exactly used to it.

he was either too much or falling short, failing to blend with the other trainees around him and it almost got him cut from the final line-up. and su-ji could only count it on luck that they chose him along side the other talented trainees.

at debut

su-ji's original visuals caught people off guard, his pre debut image that everyone was so used to seeing seemed hardened in the face reveal of the members, leading netizens to speculate that he ahd changed drastically from backing up female soloists with waking and lyrical pieces.

they cursed infinite for ruining su-ji's image. which pushed the rookie to think through what exactly he wanted his idol. image to be.

even though he'd passed the final hump that most trainees failed to see, backlash seemed to follow him. su-ji stll struggled with the group cohesiveness, over dancing or under dancing, over performing or underperforming it didn't matter he was subject to the litigation, and for awhile it made him struggle with his motivation to succeed in the field. things were much easier when you were in the background.

he still struggled with breath control, opting to cut his lines short so that he could show off his moves, which only pushed the public to questioning their groups abilities as an entirety.

this made being in the spot light hard for suji as he felt as though his faults were bringing the group down.

multiple times he thought heavily on leaving before phoenix could really even pick up steam.

career & infinite tour

as his career went forward su-ji desperately did his best trying to define himself. he wanted to be his own idol, but struggled with how to do that without mishaping the perfect circle that was suppoed to be phoenix.

he wasn't the group's number one dancer or number one singer or even rapper, he wasn't even the visual. sure they threw him in the center to be pretty and dance, but this life wasn't settling in his bones the way just dancing had.

and as if fitting the idol mold wasn't already a hard thing to do, in februrary of 2021, he lost his biological mother to an illness that she had been quietly living with, forcing him to go on a short hiatus.

the groups comebacks during this time got high praise and even more so with out suji sticking out like a sore thumb. during that time he'd found himself in a deep depression, mourning his mother's loss while being the strong boy for all the women around him.

he changed a lot in short time, deciding that life isn't promised and he shouldn't kill himself trying to live up to the standards that are ever changing in this industry he found himself in.

he came back in july in just enough time to prepare for the infinite tour with a new found confidence and expression, that netizen still didn't seem to appreciate, though true fans, though deeming him unrecognizable, found it endearing that he was trying hard just as he'd done before.

during the infinite tour he found himself sick with all the traveling, the auto immune disease that afflicted his mother catching up with him.

in his moments of giving his all, suji found himself needing to recover for long stints of time after the fact, fans noticing his sickly face and thinning form.

still, suji pushed himself, he often still takes feed back personal and spends long days and nights in the practice room, even when it made him sick.

on tour his exhaustion and sickness became a regular occurrence. he would sleep between every break and find his appetite leaving and returning. and the rash on his nose and cheeks could no longer be mistaken as blush.

a trip to the hospital in the final leg of that tour after he fainted after his stage revealed after copious testing that suji had lupus. and from then on he had much ore to worry about through out the rest of his career.

now, even with the right medication and treatments, suji was forced to push through fatigue and joint pain, low white blood cell count, all while keeping up with phoenix's choreography and schedule.

post tour

suji spent a lot of the time post tour actively recovering. there wasn't a lot of time to rejuvenate his body and with the extra rest time his symptoms began to let up.

after going to doctors in korea su-ji was put on a "strict" diet and told to keep himself active, which outside of dancing was not his forte, but after awhile he was able to manage his symptoms just like anyone else.

occasionally he still gets sick and has to miss a performance or two and is currently a little worried with the new tour schedule that he'll end up back in the hospital, (but hey at least he's getting the check na mean?)

personality & tid bits

aquarius (sun), aries (moon) and taurus (rising)

mother raised him like her best friend, and literally the reason why he's so iconic

seems pretty quiet in variety but usually yaps the members ear off

very affectionate with his friends, almost to a fault, he isn't sure if it's the nerves when being "SUJI" but he often literally longs to touch someone's skin when he's out and about

because of his condition he's a little apprehensive almost every time he sees a phoenix demo choreo and yet he usually picks it up pretty fast

extravert in the sheets and introvert in the streets? unless you're giving him attention and calling him cute, is the aegyo king no shame

pretty chill, goes with the flow of the other members most of the time.

type to sunbathe in cute little shorts

lacks a bit of media training when it comes to the flames (think keeho from piwon)

most active on tik tok and instagram because he loves taking selfies and doing tik tok trends 10/10 probably forces the members to do them (think katseye, aespa and txt's pages)

he may not change a tire but he will slam down in the kitchen especially with korean home made food, he's also really good at doctoring up cheaper meals to make them gormet, a skill he acquired back in the trainee pay back days.

globally acclaimed baby girl and is well known for it and his behavior (think wooyoung from ateez, felix skz, jongseob piwon, all the other well known baby girls, yeosang top contender)

even though he seems more on the alternative feminine side his sexuality isn't set in stone, he likes to have fun, no matter who as long as they don't mind how he is.

find him scrolling his phone 99% of the time and quoting tik toks, pretends to not be chronically online in actuality he is.

favorite colors are red, pink, white, baby blue and all shades of purple.

knows korean and english though his english is accented

calls his stepmom almost daily, they've grown a lot closer since his mothers passing.

often cooks and cleans in the dorm but has lazy housewife energy

is literally the only boy of the family so is a w for all women, problem for most men

completed his bachelor's degree in dance, majoring in performing arts with a focus in ballet at the korean national university of arts and is working towards his masters

his fave vape flavors are dessert flavors and no he's not good at hiding it from fans

su-ji has a bunch of small tattoos that he acquired of the years of his career ( references: on his shoulder as pictured, on his left hip just above his groin, tramp stamp, in the middle of his upper chest with 'don't' crossed out, bottom of left thigh above knee, down side of neck behind ear )

is the type of idol to do all the dance trends and often likes to serve cunt when he's in the center

valentine's birthday, self proclaimed (by me) cupid boy

pray for his scalp infinite indeed has a hold on it.

growing up he was pretty sickly as are most kids with his condition but until they really had the money they did mostly home remedies. the more access they had to healthy eating and his dance career made most symptoms subside until he entered idol hood.

official socials

instagram: soogee42

bubble: sujiah

unofficial socials

youtube: user238593842

tik tok: quivksnak

wanted plots

bestie crew, (1/2-3 taken by boyoung)

maybe a few fwbs? gender is irrelivant age range youngest minimum 02? older than him probably not much older?

someone to help him with his breath control and stamina?

a close friend that keeps him and his condition under control bc he will neglect himself for the sake of the team.

maybe someone who became close to him when his mom passed?

and honestly im up for anything else?

[clochanamarch]

also though. the company finding the people she's romantically interested in and telling them outright what happened to the last two men aisling dared to love. one corrupted by dark magic and severing every connection he can find, and the other breathing his last breath in her arms, afloat on the ocean, all because she refused to save his life in order to keep her power.

[sterlingxlevin]

👻 GHOST — is there someone or something that you feel is missing from your life? do you know if there's any way to find it/them?

My mom. I lost her when I was little and I don't remember much about her but my father and older sister share the best stories about her. I know she loved baking and she was so sweet and such a wonderful mother. I wished she could've been there when I had Sunny and I wish she could see Liza as a mother now. Liza had always wanted to be a mom and even I'm so happy for her to finally have that. But yeah, I miss her and think about her all the time.

@thelizaxlevin

[foxymoxynoona]

Can I ask... I apologize in advance if this a sensitive topic, I tried searching on the internet, but English isn't my first language and I can't seem to find the right phrase or word for it so my search doesn't lead to an answer. In what situation does the "save the mother or the child" comes? I mean like... what happens to make those options arise? Because I can't grasp the... condition for that problem...? Like, why can't they save both or how does the other one survive and the other doesn't? Say you save the mother... do you kill the baby in her stomach? Or you save the child... do you just cut the mother open? Like let her bleed out??

I tried picturing the 'House of the Dragon' scene where the queen gives birth before C-section was invented. They did cut her open and let her bleed to death. But technically, how could she survive that in the case the doctors decided to save her instead of the baby? (injecting a poison of some sort to the baby perhaps? but that'll probably kill the mother too). And in todays era, C-section already exist with safe procedure, so I'm curious what would cause such situation to happen.

(The thoughts did come from Meadow's scene, I'm sorry. I'm in my 20s, but I lack the education ㅠㅠ)

Don't worry about it at all! I won't be able to give a full comprehensive view but I can help a little with what I know. I will say that in Meadow, Bronwen was absolutely jumping to worse case scenario and imaginging the worst. I don't think she was even understanding a specific reason for that decision, just panicking and trying to tell Jungkook not to make a medical decision for her that would potentially harm their child.

It boils down to who is prioritized in a dangerous medical situation. Thanks to modern medicine, this isn't something that's as big an issue as way back when, when babies could be stuck and you'd have to decide whether you get the baby out at cost to the mother (which I think is the situation you're decribing though I haven't watched that show.)

I think more contemporary examples of having to make decisions like this would be, the mother requires life-saving medication/treatment/surgery that poses a risk of loss of the baby so the decision must be made whether to move forward with that or not; the recommendation likely depends on whether the baby could be safely delivered prematurely if needed, and how urgent/emergency the medical need is, or whether it's a truly tragic situation involving late term abortion. I have a friend who required multiple life-saving surgeries during her pregnancy post 20 weeks. Baby was fine, but there was a risk of loss each time. I've heard of women who discovered cancer while pregnant and some chose to abort and undergo chemo, while others chose to delay chemo and cancer treatment even if it put them past the point of treatment.

I think those are the scenarios in which someone could make a child-first decision because you're right that often, mother and child are both undergoing an emergency together and the goal is always to save both as first priority.

[legendreign-archived]

Saint Seiya

Please do not reblog my post!

[ Disclaimer: I do not own the Saint Seiya logo. The logo was found here. This will be a temporarily image placeholder until I can find the time to make a proper edit for Chantelle's verse post. Thanks to the wikia for helping me describe the Delphinus Saint's attacks. ]

In an era before the 20th century, Chantelle’s father, Takara, a wealthy merchant, travelled from Japan to France. He married her mother, Vivienne, and they had six children together but after her birth, her mother died of sepsis. This caused her second, third, fourth, and fifth elder sisters to resent her. One of her earliest childhood memories was going to a beach house with her family and being told by her second, third, fourth, and fifth elder sisters to wait for them at the beach and if she waited, they would come back for her with gifts and play with her. It was actually her sisters’ cruel attempt to try to get rid of her while their father and eldest sister were occupied with making sure the beach house was set up for them to stay in. After some time, she realized her elder sisters weren’t coming back for her and as she cried while sitting near the waves, a dolphin balancing a small ball on its snout called out to her and they played catch with the ball. The Delphinus Saintia sensed Chantelle’s Cosmo crying out in pain and found the girl playing with the dolphin. The Delphinus Saintia realized that the girl must have a strong purity to be able to understand the language of the dolphin. After the Delphinus Saintia heard Chantelle’s story, she helped Chantelle find her family then asked permission from Takara to take the girl to Sanctuary where she would be better cared for and she could learn to refine her strong Cosmo and follow in her footsteps to become the next Delphinus Saintia. As time passed by, Chantelle became the current Delphinus Saintia and Athena’s personal attendant and bodyguard.

~Modern Setting~

In a modern setting where Delphinus Mii did not become the Delphinus Saint, Chantelle’s father, Takara Aomi, owner of Aomi Cruises, married her mother Vivienne, and they had six children together but after her birth, her mother died of sepsis. This caused her second, third, fourth, and fifth elder sisters to resent her. One of her earliest childhood memories was going to a beach house with her family and being told by her second, third, fourth, and fifth elder sisters to wait for them at the beach and if she waited, they would come back for her with gifts and play with her. It was actually her sisters’ cruel attempt to try to get rid of her while their father and eldest sister were occupied with making sure the beach house was set up for them to stay in. After some time, she realized her elder sisters weren’t coming back for her and as she cried while sitting near the waves, a dolphin balancing a small ball on its snout called out to her and they played catch with the ball. The Delphinus Saintia sensed Chantelle’s Cosmo crying out in pain and found the girl playing with the dolphin. The Delphinus Saintia realized that the girl must have a strong purity to be able to understand the language of the dolphin. After the Delphinus Saintia heard Chantelle’s story, she helped Chantelle find her family then asked permission from Takara to take the girl to Sanctuary where she would be better cared for and she could learn to refine her strong Cosmo and follow in her footsteps to become the next Delphinus Saintia. As time passed by, Chantelle became the current Delphinus Saintia and Athena’s personal attendant and bodyguard.

Attacks / Abilities:

Angel Splash: Delphinus Chantelle throws a blast of water at her enemy.

Heaven's Maelstrom: Delphinus Chantelle creates a whirlpool around her foe.

Zoolingualism: Chantelle possesses the ability to talk to dolphins.

Extra Information: As the eldest of Athena's Saintias, she is the current leader of the Saintias.

[thewulf]

Unexpectedly || Aaron Hotchner

Request: The reader is a member of BAU, but nobody knows her dark past. She's running from her abusive ex. Once he hurt her so bad (fractured skull, several severe injuries) he left her to die in their apartment. Nowadays she keeps that past hidden, as good as she can... See rest here

A/N: This was SO much fun to write. Took me a little bit to get used to the writing style but once I did it flowed so well. There is A LOT going on in this one (make sure to read the full request!). Timeline is a little wonky – Season 3ish but we’re pretending George Foyet already happened, and Haley has already passed. I also just made reader 28 years old – you can pick whatever age you want!

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Y/N

Word Count: 10.1k + (Probably should've made this 2 parts)

TW: Abuse. Both physical and mental. General Criminal Minds TW – talk of blood/gore/death/stabbing etc. AGE GAP between reader and Hotchner, reader is implied to be younger 25-35.

Life was good, great even. For the first time in a long time, you felt free, like yourself again. You weren’t sure how, but you managed to convince the BAU that you’d be a good communications liaison while JJ was out on maternity leave. Speaking in front of people never bothered you, it came naturally to you. So, when your manager mentioned an opening in the BAU for your exact job all the way across the country it piqued your curiosity. It piqued your curiosity so much that you ended up applying, interviewing, and accepting the job within a few days. On Monday you were an FBI agent stationed in Los Angeles and by Friday you were meeting your new team.

Hoping to make a good impression on your first day you brought in bagels and coffee just praying they would like you. You met your ridiculously good-looking boss that Thursday night after his team got back from a difficult case, his words not yours, and he showed you around the office. He had given the team the weekend off to relax. Something that wasn’t terribly common around there you had picked up.

Laying out the bagels on conference room table you were so in your own head you hadn’t heard the door open and close

“Well, what do we have here?” A smooth male voice came from behind you breaking you right out of your thoughts.

Spinning around on your heel you took the man in. Tall, handsome and had a devilishly cute grin across his face. Was everyone that worked here hot as hell? If that were the case you might be in trouble, “Oh hi! I’m Y/N. Agent Y/L/N. I’m covering for JJ while she’s out.” You flashed him a nervous smile hoping he wouldn’t be able to read you as easily as you thought it was. See, you never worked with profilers before this. Sure, you’ve worked at the FBI for years, but profilers made you nervous. Profilers seemed to know more about you than even you knew about yourself. And profilers at the BAU? This team was the best of the best. Better than any team you’ve worked on, that’s for sure.

He shot you a ]smile that would’ve taken you out in a previous life, “SSA Derek Morgan. Are these for the team?”

You nodded feeling his eyes surveying you, profiling you, “They are, if you want them.”

Nodding his head slowly he took a step forward to grab one, “Are you trying to butter us up?”

Giving him a small laugh, you continued, “Depends, is it working?”

His smirk grew into a full-on smile now, “Yeah, you’ll fit right in newbie.” He pulled out a chair for you to pop a squat next to him, “They’ll be in soon. Just slow on Friday mornings.” He commented after seeing you look out for anybody behind him.

Sitting down next to him you were sure you looked like a nervous mess. You were confident in your role. You knew you were damn good at your job too. But who wouldn’t be nervous walking into a room of profilers for the first time? Especially ones that could read you like an open book so quickly, “Thanks,” You gave him a quick nod, “You must be good at your job.”

Derek set his coffee mug on the table turning towards you, “We are. But that’s beside the point. You’ll learn quickly.”

Before Derek could continue the door opened again revealing your stern looking boss who gave the two of you a nod before taking a seat at the table.

“Bagel?” You offered.

With a quick look up and a quick head shake he continued scanning whatever he was looking at. Looking over at Derek curiously he just gave you a tight-lipped smile shaking his head. Deciding to just drop it you waited patiently for whatever the hell was about to happen. Hotchner briefly went over your responsibilities when he walked you through the BAU, so you were flying blind.

Slowly the team started trickling in making sure to give quick intros and thank you’s for the bagels. You sat back and observed what was going on. A quick conversation around the weekend turned to a squeal as on overly pink dressed woman came bounding into the room with a very big smile.

“You must be Y/N! It’s so nice to meet you.” She clapped her hands grabbing a bagel for herself, “Don’t worry honey I only read your file. I didn’t go digging. I’m Penelope but this fine human specimen calls me Penny.” She gave Derek’s arm a squeeze.

“Or baby girl.” Derek through her a wink. A few others walked in quickly introducing themselves to you. Each team member more kind than the next welcoming you with open arms.

At Penny’s comment you felt you blood run cold. Of course, the bureau would have somebody like her on the team. It was stupid to think that this team wouldn’t have one. They needed her. Sitting in a room full of profilers who were watching the exchange was a bit unnerving too. Every expression on your face being hyper analyzed to profile you.

Raising your eyebrows in curiosity you could only ask, “Digging? What for?”

She giggled taking a seat next to Derek on his other side, “Anything dear. I can find any secret if it’s been on the internet. Maybe some that haven’t been.” She laughed.

Your heart started racing knowing she could figure you out completely. It was easy enough to get your file cleared of your past life once you changed your last name, but this? This was a problem. You couldn’t bury police and court records. Those would live for forever.

Smiling and trying to play it off as cool as possible you nodded your head along, “Noted. That’s a nifty little skill you have their Penny.” Her face lit up as she agreed with you. It wasn’t often she got complimented for her skills, so she took it when it was given.

Cool. You had to play this cool. You couldn’t let your emotions expose you now. This scenario ran through your head a hundred times before you came. You knew they were going to ask about your past. It’s not like anything was in your file other than you being from the middle of nowhere Colorado. You made sure to have it scrubbed before you came.

Hotchner cleared his throat letting the team know he was ready to go, and that work was what was important, not you at the moment. Silently thanking the man, you turned your full attention to him.

“Now that you’ve met Penny and the team has met Y/N, let’s get started.” The man was all business as he nodded to Penny. She passed out the case file to each team member, including you. Visibly fighting back your reaction to the pictures in the file it dawned on you how fucked this job was going to be. Shit, what in the hell have you gotten your sorry self into?

“Dayton, Ohio” She spoke after taking a seat again, “Four young women have gone missing and found dead near Eastwood Lake just north of the city. A fifth just went missing last night.”

“They went missing from local bars?” Spencer asked as he set the file down.

Penny nodded, “Each one from a different spot but all within a 5-mile radius downtown.”

“Ligature marks around the arms indicate being chained up or bound for some extended period of time.” Spencer rattled off studying the pictures. Taking a shallow breath, you looked back at the pictures of the young women. You’ve seen some fucked up things working with the FBI, but this was next level. These women were clearly tortured before whoever finally decided to kill them. The bruises, cuts, blood, and broken bones were not a sight many people could handle. A sight that reminded you of your past.

Acutely aware you were around profilers you lifted your head up to listen to the conversation that was unfolding around the table. You watched how they bounced ideas off of each other so effortlessly. How each idea was taken into consideration. They worked so flawlessly as a team. It was something you had yet to come across in your time with the Bureau.

“Lacerations to the left cheek on all of them.” You vaguely heard from Rossi as they all continued to converse. You watched in awe as the team did their thing. No wonder they were so well regarded. This felt like magic. They knew each other so well.

“No racial preference either. Seems to be targeting age. 25- to 35-year-old women in the Dayton and Beavercreek area.” Spenser’s voice chimed in again.

“Cause of death, asphyxiation to all the women. Possibly getting off to the torture?” Emily spoke up.

“What time did they go missing?” You asked skimming the file unaware that they all stopped their chatter keying in on you, “What? Did I do something wrong?” You asked noticing the silence.

Derek shook his head with a little smirk, “Hardly.”

You looked back down not enjoying the attention, “Okay.” You were sure your face was beet red.

“Okay.” Hotchner brought his team back on track, “Jet’s leaving in 20. Y/L/N stay back for a moment.”

“Sure.” You nodded waiting for the team to disperse. Swiveling your chair back and forth you felt overly nervous to talk to the man. You’d heard the rumors about him before you got the BAU, and they seemed scarily accurate for the man. A hard ass that expected a lot from his team but would have your back in an instant, no questions asked. But what everyone failed to tell you was just how handsome the damn man was on top of it all. He was striking to you, exactly your type with his chocolate eyes and dark hair. It made talking to him a very nerve-wracking experience.

Just don’t think about how attractive you find him, and you’d be just fine. Easy, right?

When Penny walked out you turned to him, “What was that about?” You asked your boss as he took a seat next to you.

He gave you a look you couldn’t figure out before continuing the conversation, “It’s not often that somebody comes in and contributes right away. Much less a communications liaison.” You knew he wasn’t criticizing you for not being a profiler as everybody had their roles, but it felt like you’d overstepped.

“Oh, I’m sorry…”

He shook his head interrupting you, “No, we need every idea out there. That’s the difference between brining somebody home to their family or not.”

You scanned his face quickly, hoping you weren’t caught studying him. But he was the infamous Aaron Hotchner of course he would notice. You needed to get your stupid brain in check, but damn did he have a nice jawline. A nice everything really.

Giving him a small smile, you nodded, “Gotcha.” You wanted to call him Hotch, but it felt too soon, like you were trying to be a part of a team that you weren’t apart of just yet.

He gave you a curt nod before standing, “Grab your go bag and follow me.”

Following him out to the jet you couldn’t take your eyes off him. His suit tailored to his body in all the right places was sending you into overdrive. You should not be having these unsavory thoughts of your fucking boss that you’ve known for less than an hour of your life. But you had to give credit where credit was due. He was fine. Far too fine to be your boss. You were just thankful that he didn’t have eyes on the back of his head.

You quietly followed him onto the plane spotting Derek and Emily sitting on the couch. You opted to sit across from them running fast from your boss. He was fine as hell but boy was he intimidating.

“Y/N.” Emily nodded, “Welcome to the team glad to have you. Even if you’re like… twelve years old.” She sat back smirking, proud of herself for that one. You weren’t giving much up and this was her solution to that. Get under your skin. She knew nobody could resist.

Derek snorted quickly placing a hand over his mouth, “Hey! I’m 28.” You shot a glare at Derek already feeling far too comfortable around the man. But that was just Derek, open and welcoming. An easy-going great man.

“I told you she was over 25!” Emily pointed at Derek.

He shrugged, “I was off a little.”

You stared at them with a wide-open mouth, “I’m sitting right here.”

Derek turned towards you, flashing you that brilliant smile, “That’s a good thing Y/N. Younger than you look.” He threw you a wink.

“Shut up pig.” You crossed your arms over your chest blankly staring at him.

Emily laughed happily at that. She loved when women shot Derek down. So often they were throwing themselves at him that it just caught her so off guard.

“I’m going to close my eyes over there.” You nodded to the back of the plane where the curtains were drawn. Making it a bit darker than the rest of the plane.

Derek looked at you with a slight glare, not a fan that you were bowing out so quick. He wanted to get to know the new girl, “You good?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a headache.” You gave him a small smile, “Happens sometimes.” You tried to give him as little information as possible. As soon as you opened the can of worms you knew you were toast. You were walking a literal tightrope right now. One little slip up and the entire thing would come crashing down on you.

“Alright, new girl. Go rest up. We aren’t done talking about you though.” He raised a brow as if to challenge you. Emily nodded glancing up from the magazine she decided to pull out a few moments prior.

Nervously laughing you stood, thankful that these guys didn’t really know you just yet or they’d see right on through you like the profilers they were, “I’m not that interesting Derek.”

“Au contraire.” Rossi spoke up setting his book down. Spinning in the seat from not that far away. This caught Hotch’s attention. He looked up from the files he was studying to see what the commotion was about. Damn, they really were always listening, weren’t they? “The less you say the more we want to know.” Rossi finished spinning back towards Hotch. You watched as they seemed to have a silent conversation with their eyes.

You felt your heart rate pick up speed, why didn’t you think of a better cover? “I promise you both, I’m kind of boring.” Was all you could think to say. Just digging yourself into a deeper hole.

“So, you think.” He picked his book back up not sparing a glance back in your direction.

You found a seat that butted up against the airplane wall that let you close your eyes in peace. It felt like a jackhammer was pounding into your head. The stress of the situation raised your blood pressure which meant your head was more susceptible to the piercing migraines that were new to your life. What you didn’t see was your boss watching your every move in quick glances, not going unnoticed by his confidant Rossi.

Ever since the attack you got headaches and migraines all the time. When you were stressed, or your blood pressure started to increase the migraines hit almost instantly. The doctors told you it was due to the increased blood flow to that area of the brain that will likely never heal completely. This was something you just had to live with.

The migraines you could deal with. What really sucked was the bouts of dizziness and nausea that often followed a severe migraine. It got so bad on a case once you ended up fainting from the dizziness that clouded your eyesight. You just had to keep your stress under control. That’d be easy to do at the BAU right? Sure.

You opened your eyes when the plane started to descend into Dayton. A bit shocked you actually fell asleep. Often you struggled falling asleep on a plane or in a car. Instead of joining in on the conversation between teammates you opted to listen in, instead of contributing. The migraine was faint but still there. Maybe this wasn’t the best switch for you. Maybe coming to the BAU was a mistake.

The team exited the plane quickly getting into the escort vehicles taking them to the police station. Enamored with the entire process you zoned out as the team did their normal routine. This was all so novel to you. The jet, the escort, the prestige of it all. You came from a low budget office in the high budget city of LA. This was nothing short of fascinating.

The day you had to ran started just like any other one. Your boyfriend of a few years was off to work early in the morning. He was a detective at the same police department you worked at working as the communications lead for the precinct. You went to work, did your thing before coming back to the shared house. When you walked through the front door it was eerily quiet. Seeing your boyfriend’s truck in the driveway you knew he was home though.

“Honey?” You called out while setting your bag down careful not to make too much noise as you knew he didn’t like it.

“Kitchen.” Your heart dropped out of your chest hearing the tone of voice that came out of his mouth. It was his ‘you fucked up you’re going to pay voice’. Looking down at your hands you noticed that the trembling had already started.

You felt so weak. You couldn’t stand up for yourself, defend yourself. You tried to get away, but he found you. You tried to get the people you worked with to understand what you were going through but they didn’t see it, they didn’t get it. They didn’t want to see it. They wanted to protect him. Your very own coworkers, literal police officers, wouldn’t even help you. You were stuck with him. You knew you had to get out you just couldn’t figure it out. He was going to kill you if you didn’t.

Walking slowly, you peeked your head through the entryway spotting your boyfriend sitting down at the table. You knew you were in trouble for something you just hadn’t a clue what set him off this time, “How was work?” You spoke up knowing this was happening one way or another.

He stood walking over to the sink, staring right at you, “It was great until I got home and found a fucking dish in the sink.” He nearly growled, irritation coursing through his veins.

Fuck, did you really forget to put your glass away? What a dumbass mistake, “I’m sorry I…”

“What did I fucking tell you about the dishes Y/N? Or are you just too fucking stupid to understand what I’m saying?” Raising his voice he took a step towards you, toying with you. Your whole body was trembling now. He was so terribly scary when he wanted to be and right now, he wanted to scare the living daylights out of you.

“No. I’m sorry I just forgot.” You looked down knowing it wasn’t a good excuse. Nothing was a good excuse when he wanted to hurt you. You knew he loved it. The sick bastard that he was.

“You forgot?” He laughed. A deep belly laugh that sent a shiver rippling through your entity. Feeling your hair getting pulled from above you let out a small yelp as he forced you to look at him, “Like the dumb bitch you are.” You felt the pain before it registered in your head what had happened. He threw a punch to the side of your face dropping you to the ground almost instantly. Feeling blood trickle down your face you couldn’t bear looking up at him. That’d leave a nasty bruise.

He placed his boot on your abdomen pressing down a little too hard. “Pathetic. Can’t even stay standing? Hmm?” His boot connected with your rib cage. A nasty crack and the immediate searing pain started radiating immediately. A small whine emanated from your mouth as you tried to take a breath, but the pain almost felt too unbearable. He definitely cracked a few of your ribs.

“Going to remember to put your fucking dishes in the dishwasher next time?” He let out a low chuckle. You were in trouble. This was different. He normally stopped before it had gotten this bad. He knew he couldn’t hurt you to the point you couldn’t work so that usually meant your face, arms and legs were off limits. Yet, he went for it this time. He never dared to used such force that bones actually broke.

“Yeah.” You mumbled out finding it hard to even breathe at the moment. Not that he would take that as an excuse.

“What was that?” He grabbed you by the hair again pulling you to your feet. You were sure he took a chunk of hair out as he did so.

“Ow, fuck!” You cried feeling your vision start to blur from the force of the pull. The cuss word just slipped out, but you knew better than to use that ‘language’ in front of him as it wasn’t ‘lady-like’ at all.

A look crossed his face that you were sure you’d never seen before. One that looked like he wanted to kill you right then. To get rid of you, “That’s it. I’ve tried with you. You’re hopeless.”

He grabbed you by your shoulders grasping down hard making sure it would leave marks, “You are nothing Y/N. Absolutely nothing.”

“Then why won’t you leave me?” That might have been you’re biggest mistake to date with him. A slight twitch of his nostril made you realize just how fucked you were.

“Don’t you ever talk back to me.” Another punch but right to the nose sent you backwards into the wall. Black dots started dancing in your vision as you tried to stay upright. Blood started flowing down your face coating your shirt in the bright crimson.

“Then leave me.” You tasted the metallic blood that was pouring down your face. You were begging him now. It was now or never for you. He was either going to kill you or leave you. You couldn’t keep doing this.

Forcing you up against the wall with his hand around your neck he leaned in hard, making it hard to breath, whispering into your ear, “I’m never leaving you Y/N.” If you had any energy left tears might have rolled down your face but there was nothing left. You could hardly breathe from the kick to the ribs. He was restricting your airflow and you were starting to get faint, “You’re mine for forever, my dear.” He let his hand go from around your neck holding you up by the chest now. You sucked in a big breath only to be met with the excruciating pain radiating from your ribcage.

“Please.” You managed to look at him. Hoping to see any form of humanity behind his eyes. A small sob erupted when you realized how dark he had become.

Shaking his head he grabbed your upper arm, “No.” He squeezed forcing another short whine to escape your mouth, “Now, Y/N. You need to learn to not talk back to me. Do you understand me?”

You nodded your head trying to reserve talking for only when it was needed as it hurt, “I asked you a fucking question!” He yelled in your face continuing to clamp down on your arm. Your hand began to tingle from the lack of blood flow.

“Ye.. yes.” You mumbled out feeling yourself about to slip into unconsciousness.

“Good girl. Now, time for your punishment.”

Eyes widening a bit you couldn’t comprehend it. Wasn’t this the punishment? Before you could speak up you felt him pull you away from the wall. Completely at his mercy you didn’t even have the strength to stand anymore let alone try to argue with him. He was literally the only thing keeping you standing as you moved away from the wall.

He didn’t think it all the way through this time though. When he threw his last punch to your abdomen, he didn’t account for you not having any strength to stop yourself. So, when he punched you, you went flying backwards right into the corner of the kitchen island countertop. The back of your head connected with the stone instantly knocking you unconscious instantly.

Waking up in a puddle of your own drying blood was something you wouldn’t have wished on your worst enemy. The metallic stench of the drying liquid sent chills down your spine as you took in your surroundings. Blinking rapidly a few times you realized it was eerily quiet again as you regained consciousness. The house was dark. Too dark to see anything.

A shallow breath in brought in pain which caused you to wince opening up the raw head wound that had sealed itself shut. Rolling onto your stomach and holding yourself up with your palms you saw how bad it really was. Blood spattered the white cabinets while there was a literal pool of blood that came from your head. It was a miracle you were even alive.

It felt like every nerve ending in your body was on fire as you attempted to stand only to be met with jelly legs. A quite cry broke from your chest realizing just how bad this really was. He just left you for dead. He didn’t even call an ambulance. He was just gone.

He never took it that far in the past. He had an appearance to uphold at the police department and you showing up with any sort of visible bruises would shatter that illusion. It was usually just slaps across the face or shoves into furniture. Never had he actually made you bleed like this, on the brink of death.

The worst thing about all of this was that in the beginning of your relationship he was one of the best partners around. You loved him with your life. Then the stress and the cracks started to form. At first, he found other outlets like video games or going to the bar. Then it became you. The hitting only started a few months prior. But this, this was exceptional. This was a crime scene.

Thanking your lucky stars that you never took off your jacket, your phone was still in the pocket. With your very last ounce of strength, you dialed 911 before succumbing to the darkness again.

Instead of actually finding him, the cops said he ran away. That all they could do was put some feelers out. You used to think the world of these guys but then you realized he was their priority. They would protect their brother before you. You were just a woman. He was their brother.

After spending a week in the hospital due to fracturing your skull you were immediately transferred to another department about three hours away. That was all they offered, a measly transfer. With a head raging of migraines that never seemed to leave you decided you’d have to take matters into your own hands. Coming across a Bureau job in Los Angeles you jumped at the opportunity and was hired almost immediately. You opted to hide your past from your coworkers, changing your last name was the easiest way to do so Sure, the FBI knew about the incident but not your co-workers. The less it was brought up the less you had to think about it.

You were running from your past and you didn’t really give a damn. It made you realize just how fucked up the situation you were in really was. You weren’t anything to anybody at that police department. Just a woman who happened to be in a relationship to one of their police brothers.

Lucky for you, you loved your job at the Bureau. And you excelled at it quickly. Often picking up extra work for your coworkers. When the job at the BAU opened up you jumped as quick as you could. The BAU was coveted in the FBI. If you could make it there you could make it literally anywhere.

The case was tough on you. Just yesterday they found the fifth victim. It was only a matter of time until the sixth was taken. The killer was picking up speed at an alarming rate. Going from once a month down to every other day. You were doing a decent job keeping your stress down and your migraines somewhat at bay. But any of these women could be you on a given night. It hit you like a truck when the fifth woman was found in a park. She was wearing an outfit you would’ve worn to go out with friends. She was out living her life twelve hours prior and now she was just gone. How sick life was.

Time for the worst part of your job, telling the police and the public in a press conference. Even though it sucked it needed to get done. The more that young women knew that this was happening the more alert people would be. You gave the profile during the press conference that the team had come up with. White male, in his early 30’s, likely of shorter and heavier build with deeply rooted emotional trauma due to growing up without a mother or mother like figure. His mother probably left him when she was in her early 30’s thus the reason for the victim age range. So typical. How often you ran across cases like this. This guy was just a little sneakier. Not as dumb as your typical run of the mill criminal.

You sat in the conference room studying the white board with all the victims posted across with all the fine details of their short lives. The rest of the team stepped out for lunch, but you just weren’t hungry. Not after delivering that news to the Dayton Ohio area.  Opting to just lose yourself in your thoughts instead.

You weren’t given much time to lose yourself before you heard a chair scrape the ground next to you. Looking up you were surprised to see your boss sitting down next to you with a snack in hand.

“No lunch?”

“No, not hungry.” You gave him a half smile trying to knock yourself out of this mini funk. You thought you were prepared. You read all the case files. You talked to all the experts. But damn, when you were middle of doing it, it was like nothing you could’ve expected.

Feeling your personal phone buzz, you looked down while the two of you sat in comfortable silence. Opening your phone and clicking the little messages icon you frowned not recognizing the number that texted you. Your mouth immediately ran dry as adrenaline started pumping through your body. One text. One fucking text you never ever wanted to see.

‘I know where you are.’

Your heart rate sped right up which would lead to inevitable migraine. Fuck. There was a chance it wasn’t him but who else could it be? He loved to do this kind of shit to you back when you were together. Completely fucking with your mind.

“Everything okay?” You heard your boss faintly ask as you couldn’t rip your eyes away from your phone screen. Blinking rapidly, you had to remember where you were. You were working. You couldn’t worry about that right now. This was a later problem. Block it and move on. Besides, it was getting embarrassing how many fucking times the team had to ask if you were okay. You needed to knock it off and soon.

“Y/L/N.” You heard more sternly this time.

“Yes?” You locked the screen shoving it into your pocked. Out of sight out of mind. Right?

“What’s wrong?”

You shook your head trying to play it off as cool as you possibly could, “Nothing Hotch.” You finally felt comfortable enough to call him that. I suppose when you hunt killers and study dead bodies you tend to bond faster than you would in any other job.

He gave you an exasperated look, “You do realize I profile people for a living.”

A sigh escaped your lips, “It’s nothing. They’re just so young.” You pointed your head towards the white board. You couldn’t let him know about your past. It was almost too fucking embarrassing to admit. You thought you were strong. Clearly not strong enough to leave him before he nearly killed you. And Aaron Hotchner just might be the strongest person you have ever met in your life.

In the brief time that you’d known him you’d learned all about his past from his coworkers. How he was stabbed, lost his ex-wife and was still here doing this damn thing as a single father. His strength was unparalleled to anything you had known. So, to admit your past to him was something you were far too scared to do. The worst thing would be to be seen as weak to Aaron Hotchner.

He nodded looking you over. Something he seemed to do far too often that made you feel things you really shouldn’t be feeling, “Is that all?”

“Mhmm.” You nodded refusing to look at him but instead at the victims. Hoping you were selling yourself well enough. He didn’t believe you. He was a profiler, a damn good one at that. He knew something was on that phone. Something you were refusing to tell him.

“It’s tough.” He admitted setting his cheese crackers down turning his body towards you, “This is not and will never be an easy job Agent Y/L/N. It’ll probably be some of the most gruesome work that you’ll be in the thick of. But let me tell you something. When you get to save one of those girls or any innocent victim it changes you. You know you saved them from something so horrific, something that no innocent human should go through. And that makes it all worth it. I can promise you that.”

A little shell shocked that he dropped that bomb on your lap you took a moment to collect your thoughts, “Thank you Hotch.” Looking up to him you continued, “Really, thank you. This is… brutal. I thought I knew what I was signing up for.”

“You can step away at any time. There wouldn’t be any judgment, but we really did hire you for a reason. I wouldn’t have if I didn’t think you could do it.”

Those damn butterflies erupted in your stomach as he looked you over to make sure the message really sank in, “I can do it. I just have to adjust.”

A small smile formed on his face. You had to assume that was a rare sight for the team as it caught you off guard. He looked so damn handsome with a smile on his face. Something you wanted to see far more than you already had in the few days you’d been on the case with the team.

He stood grabbing his crackers, “Good. If you need anything. Really. Anything. Please, don’t be afraid to ask. Alright?”

You nodded rapidly, “Got it Hotch. Thank you.”

“Sure. I need to go talk to the chief. Try and grab some food?”

“Yeah, sure.” You threw him a smile as he walked out of the room. God, you were fucked if this was how we was going to treat you. Already so attracted to just his physical appearance and then he pulls that out? What’s not to love.

Deciding to listen to him you grabbed an apple and a snack from the vending machine to suffice his request. Sitting back down you opted to refresh your conference notes, getting prepped for your next press conference. You needed to get in contact with the latest victim’s family for Hotch too. Spending the rest of lunch, you decided to knock out your needed tasks to make him happy. To let him know that he did hire the right person. You could do this.

“How was your date with Hotch?” Derek asked as he and Spencer walked back into the conference room after they got back from lunch. Completely interrupting your silence that you were enjoying.

Rolling your eyes, you knew he was only trying to work you up. You quickly learned that Derek was the type to tease you. His form of love.

“What are you on about?” You gave him a quizzical look. Hoping to come off as dumb as possible.

“Don’t play dumb.” He sat in the chair right across from you.

Cocking your head to the side you only looked at him curiously, “I don’t know what you’re talking about Derek.”

This time Spencer spoke up, “It is uncommon that Hotch stayed back. But you are brand new. He could have just been checking in on her.”

“See,” You raised your eyebrows to let him know Spencer was the right one, “Dr. Reid is correct. He was just checking in on his new employee.”

Derek rolled his eyes this time, much more dramatically than you, “Sure, whatever you say Y/L/N.”

“Although,” Reid spoke up again. You snapped your head around in a panic. He was not supposed to say anything further to egg Derek on, “He has been watching you quite a lot. I noticed it when we were back at Quantico. Then when you were asleep on the jet. And really during this whole case…”

“Boy genius!” Derek laughed clapping him on the back. Spencer just looked back and forth between the two of you knowing he said something you didn’t like as you gave him a less than impressed look. Derek was grinning ear to ear, eating all this shit right on up.

You shook your head, “Because I’m new!”

“And oh, so pretty too.” Derek’s smile only grew wider, if possible, when you blushed a bright shade of tomato red. You just loved how your body exposed you of your emotions.

“Shut up. Does not. Drop it.” Grumbling, you turned away from both of them.

Spencer leaned back silently observing Derek’s picking on you. He didn’t really think much of it at first. But once he saw Hotch’s wondering eyes over and over again, he had to make a mental note of it. He didn’t act this was when he started or when Penny started. It only seemed to be reserved for you.

Spencer had a silent conversation with Rossi as he caught Hotch staring at you when you were sleeping on the plane. Rossi only smiling. Rossi knew something.

“Seems like you might have a little crush too.” Derek made a kissy face. This was a nightmare. Sure, you may have a small little crush, but he was your fucking boss. Hell would have to freeze over before anything could happen between the two of you.

“Do not.”

“Yeah see,” Derek leaned forward, “I don’t believe you.”

“That’s fine. You don’t have to.”

Derek only smiled, “We’ll be watching.”

“Go for it.”

Your personal phone buzzed in your pocket. Not thinking much of it you pulled it out of your seeing that same number from earlier pop up again. Opening the message your heart might’ve stopped right then and there.

‘You can’t hide Y/N. I know where you are and I’m coming. Virginia? Really?’

You forgot the two of them were sitting there as you read the text over and over again. Burning the God forsaken image into your mind. How? How could he have found you. Why now? Why almost a year later? You wanted to block the number, but you knew he’d just find another way to get ahold of you. You also knew you needed to show the police and fast. But then that’d expose you completely. Open up everything.

“You good Y/N?” Derek asked ripping you right back into the present.

“Yeah, just thinking about those girls.” You lied hoping you were a good enough actor to get you out of this one.

He nodded, “it’s hard. To view them as both human and try and distance yourself. You’ll figure it out. We all did. It might be tomorrow. It might be in a few months. But you’ll get there.”

“Thanks Derek.” You sighed fully accepting their fate. That you could move on from. But the horror of being stalked by your ex unfortunately loomed in the back of your mind.

Spencer smiled enjoying the interaction between new friends. He liked you. Derek seemed to like you. Hotch seemed to like like you. And Rossi was bound to adore you if Hotch did. Emily of course would hate you at first and then grow to love you. You were in.

The rest of the team worked tirelessly until the sun went down. Hotch ordered the team back to the hotel demanding a good night’s sleep. You knew it wouldn’t come. It hadn’t come in the almost week you’d been in the horror show.

After tossing and turning for what felt like forever you knew you had to get out. Get away for a moment. Everything felt so suffocating. You guys couldn’t do it. Weren’t able to save the fifth girl. She showed up that morning and you knew that night he’d probably have another. Fuck, why was the world so cruel?

So, you might’ve done the dumbest damn thing that you’ve ever done and called an Uber to take you to the bar down the street. You knew you shouldn’t of. Or at least let somebody know where you were going but you just needed to get away. One or two drinks couldn’t have hurt.

That was until you were sipping on your third drink feeling a little too good. You were people watching enjoying the music that was pumping throughout. Eyes on the group of young women having a good time you didn’t see the man come sit next to you.

“Come here often?”

Turning to your right, the man sitting on the barstool next to you waited for your response. Giving him a quick once over you knew something was not right with him. Your gut was screaming at you to turn the other way.

“No.” You tried your best to ignore him, but he just kept talking. Not taking your silence as a no.

“That’s a shame. So pretty.” His slimy eyes trailed your body. A small shiver went down your spine. Trust your gut. If there was one thing you were taught, it’s to always trust your gut. You took a peek at the man. Young man who was short, fat and creeping on a young girl at night? The same night your unsub would be hunting his sixth victim? Could it be him? Could you be so lucky?

“I’m not interested.” You kept your eyes forward carful now. You had to figure out if it was him.

He really didn’t know how to take no for an answer, “Don’t be so harsh beautiful. It’ll only age you quicker.”

“Look I don’t need some guy with mommy issues telling me how I should live my life. Please just go away.” Moms made him mad. This had to be it.

He gave you a sickening smile, “I didn’t have a mommy. So how can I have mommy issues dear?”

This was your unsub. Had to be. Trust your gut, right? Of all the fucking people in the world to get approached by it was him? Jesus. It then hit you that you were his next victim, or so he thought. He targeted you to take down. Damn, what were the odds of that?

“That’s exactly the problem.”

“Oh, come on beautiful. Let me buy you a drink. It’s free and if you want me to leave after I will.” You needed to keep him talking. If he was talking to you that meant he wasn’t talking to another girl.

“Sure, let me just go freshen up really quick while you get the drinks.” You gave the creep a half smile deciding this would be the perfect time to call Hotch. The longer you took his attention the better chance that he wouldn’t escape. It had to be him. His profile down to his absent mother was nearly perfect.

Hands shaking you begrudgingly typed in Hotch’s number. He was going to absolutely lose it. But you were sure, this had to be the guy. He was short, stalky, and talked like the most misogynistic fuck you’d ever been around. It had to be him. You so wished you weren’t three long island iced teas down though your brain felt a little hazy. Hitting the call button, you knew it wouldn’t be long before he answered.

“Hotchner.”

“Hey.. hey boss.” You sucked in a breath knowing how awkward you sounded. Fuck, why was this so hard?

“Agent Y/L/N.” He sounded more alert now. You glanced at the time only to curse that it was already one in the morning. You’d been out far too late, “What’s wrong?”

“I’m at a bar and…”

“You’re what?” He sounded pissed raising his voice only a little. Oh well. This was more important.

You sighed and continued. Letting him know you were irritated that he interrupted you, “I’m at a bar. I needed to clear my head and I think the unsub might or might not be trying to take me home. If you know what I mean.” You wanted to giggle but you knew that’d set the overprotective man off. You weren’t feeling so hot.

You heard rustling in the background. He must be getting up, “The unsub? What? Stay there. Send me your location.” He was trying to process all this information as you so casually told him what was going on. How were you so calm? Were you fucking with him?

“Yeah, okay. I’m in the bathroom, I…”

“Stay there. Stay on the phone.” It sounded like a growl. He was pissed. More than pissed. You didn’t even know the man that well and you knew he was going to lay into you for this.

“Okay.” You felt the alcohol kick it into high gear now. At least, you’d hopped it was only alcohol that was making it hard to concentrate. But this didn’t feel like an alcohol buzz. This felt like your body slowly shutting down.

“Y/L/N!” He yelled on the phone. You must have spaced out. Fuck. Maybe he did put something in your drink. You weren’t usually so spacey.

“Yes, sorry?”

“I asked you how you know it’s him? The unsub?”

“Oh, uhm yeah.” The walls started spinning. Trying to regain your focus only to be met with a splitting migraine, “Shit.” You groaned. Your head felt far too heavy for this just to be alcohol.

“Y/N. What’s going on?” He sounded a bit panicked. You felt horrible for doing this to him but boy were you glad he was on the other end of this phone call right now.

You sat yourself down on a toilet locking the door in front of you hoping this would pass soon, “Hotch, I think he drugged me.” You were so good with your drink though. Never letting it out of your sight. How in the hell could he have slipped something?

You heard some muffled sounds from the other end of the line. It only sounded like him though, “I’m three minutes away. Are you in a safe spot?” His panic ridden voice almost sounded like it was going to break. You’d only known the man for a week now, but you’d grown somewhat close to him. You probably talked to him more than anybody on your team, being the communications liaison and all. Not only did you guys just click it felt so natural and normal to want to be around him. To push his buttons in the best way.

“Yeah, yeah,” Your head began slumping against the stall feeling heavier than it really was. Fucking fuck. What in the hell, “Locked in a bathroom stall.” You mumbled knowing you weren’t going to be terribly coherent here soon.

Moments felt like a lifetime. Then the bathroom door flew open. It didn’t feel right though. Didn’t feel like Hotch.

“Hotch?”

“Who in the hell is Hotch?” That voice from the bar rang out. Eyes wide you knew you didn’t have much time or quite frankly any strength to fight this guy off. Even if you were the same height.

“What are you doing in here? Get out!” You managed to spit out. The brain fog seemed to momentarily lift in the sheer panic of the situation you managed to find yourself in.

“I thought you ran off on me. It’s time to go.” You heard the door handle jiggle back and forth. Pulling your legs to your chest you sat all the way back on the toilet seat. Fucking hell. How was this your life?

“I’m not leaving with you.” You tried to sound confident, but it came out sounding weak and afraid. Just like you were. Terribly weak. Horrifically afraid.

“Oh honey. But you are.”

“She’s not.” You heard your bosses voice and the click of a loaded gun, “You have the right to remain silent…” Hotch went off on his spiel only for you to lose yourself to your thoughts again. Taking big, ragged breaths it hit you just how close to death you were yet again.

“Y/N, can you open the door?” It was him. Hotch. Thank God.

You weren’t too far gone just yet. Lifting your head from the stall door you managed to stand on your own. Slowly you unlocked the door. Hotch nearly kicked the door into you as he was eager to check you over. He needed to confirm that you were okay. He knew he had to reprimand you for this behavior, but it wasn’t the time. You looked petrified. Scared. He knew you’d never really be the same. How could somebody be once they know they were the target of literal murder? Hotch just didn’t know you’d been through this before though. That this wasn’t even the craziest thing that had happened to you this year.

After checking you over and not saying a damn word he ushered you to the ambulances that were lined up outside. You felt a disgusting wave of embarrassment knowing they were called for you. If there was one thing you had hated it was being the damn center of attention. Fucking hell. You had to talk about this in a press conference too. Your job just got a whole lot more interesting.

“Come on, let’s get you to the hospital.”

“Hotch, I don’t need to go…”

“Not a word Agent.” He shut you down so quickly and harshly you shut right on up. The man of very few words was giving you even less than you were used to. You royally fucked this one up. Hopefully you had a job once you got back to Quantico.

Your hands trembled before you knocked on his office door. Hotch had asked you to hang back and meet him in his office after the jet had landed. The team gave you sorrowful looks as they exited. You knew you were in trouble. But damn, did they have to look like they were going to your funeral.

You heard a faint, “Come in.” Only to be met with a stoic Hotch sitting at his desk.

Quickly, you sat in the chair in front of him just waiting. Fuck. This almost felt worse than disappointing your ex. Hotch actually meant something to you.

“What were you thinking?” He asked far too calmly.

“I wasn’t sir, I…”

He stood up not daring to look down at you, “I told you all to go to bed. To get some sleep. And you go to the bar? What the hell were you thinking?” He undid his tie. Already frustrated

“But sir I..”

“I’m talking.” He raised his voice a notch. Enough for you to back down. Not daring to look up to him your heart began to race. How awful this all felt. It was one thing to upset you ex but to disappoint Aaron Hotchner.

“I’m sorry... I”

He raised his voice, a little too loudly now, “You disobeyed direct orders Agent! Do you know what that means? That means you could have died out there. Do you understand me?”

You shrunk within yourself brining yourself right back to that night. God how you wish your brain didn’t work like this but here you were. You weren’t in Hotch’s office at the BAU nope, you were in that kitchen. The night you almost died. The night your ex tried to kill you. You heard those chilling words.

“Now, Y/N. You need to learn to not talk back to me. Do you understand me?”

Bringing your knees to your chest you couldn’t stop the stupid fat tears that raced down your face. It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know. But God damn did it hurt. Your ex said those same damned words right to your face.

“I’m so…” You tried to breath, but you couldn’t. You took short rapid breaths just trying to fucking breath. What in the hell was happening to you? It felt like your lungs were collapsing in on you.

Aarons eyes softened as he saw the tears begin to flow. He didn’t mean to make you cry. You were so different than the rest of the team. The rest of the would have brushed him off or rolled their eyes. But then you broke down. You looked panicked. Like you were in a different world.

“Y/L/N?” He asked hoping to bring you back to this planet. But you were gone.

He walked over to you crouching down, “Y/N.” He knew he couldn’t speak to loudly. That seemed to set you off the first time. He had to go about this differently. He began to reach out to touch you only to met with the panicked version of you he’s seen.

“Don’t touch me!” You jumped out of your chair somehow finding your breath after all of this. You couldn’t let him get near you. He’d hurt you. Just like your ex. Just like the guy at the fucking bar the other night.

“Y/L/N.” He backed off putting his hands above his head as you sat down against the wall, “You’re having a panic attack

“Just stop!” You covered your face with your hands bringing your knees close to your chest. It felt so hard to breath.

Aaron took a few steps closer careful not to overstep but when you saw him you about lost him. He wasn’t Hotch he was your ex coming to take you out for good this time.

“Please.” You put your hand up to stop him. He noticed your trembling hand that asked him to stop. This was a response he never had expected. You’d been so guarded he hadn’t a clue what this could be from. Aaron was used to trauma. That was his field. Trauma and more trauma. It saddened him to know that you’d been through something that could make you so blasé to the fact that you’d almost been kidnapped, tortured, and murdered the other night. Whatever it was he had a sneaking suspicion that this was a response to that same trauma.

“I’m sorry.” He stopped again sitting on the ground. He watched as you struggled to breathe. He wanted to wrap you in his arms so desperately it hurt. It was painful to watch you struggle. God, he wanted to be there for you. He shouldn’t have felt this way about a subordinate. About one his employees. About somebody so much younger than him. But he couldn’t keep his eyes off you. Ever since you came in for that damned interview he was hooked.

He wasn’t mad at you more so the situation. He knew the odds of that happening were one in millions. But of course, you were that one in a million chance. He knew how gorgeous you were. It wasn’t a surprise per say but the thought of actually losing you after not even getting the chance to know you hurt him. He only scratched the surface of you, and he was enamored. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to get to know the real you.

All you saw was him. Your stupid ex sitting there taunting you. Waiting for you to slip up. You just kept trying to fucking breath, but it wasn’t happening.

“Y/N.” He spoke again.

Shaking your head you couldn’t take it, “Please don’t hurt me.”

“Oh, Y/N.” He frowned letting himself become small now, “It’s me. Aaron. Aaron Hotchner.”

Your eyes flicked up to him as you cowered against the wall. He was Aaron. Not your stupid fucking ex. He wouldn’t hurt you.

“It’s me. Can I please come closer?” He begged sitting there waiting. Waiting for the second you would let him.

You nodded continuing your short breathes. Aaron Hotchner. He was a friend. He was okay. God damn. You couldn’t believe you were reacting like this. It just happened. You didn’t even have a thought to stop it. Your mind took yourself back to that kitchen a year ago.

Slowly he scooted closer reaching out to you, “it’s okay. I promise. Try and take a deeper breath, okay? On the count of three?”

You nodded waiting for him to continue.

“One. Two. Three.”

Somehow, someway he was able to get you to calm down. With slow counts and patience, you eventually managed to get your breathing back to normal. Taking long slow breaths you couldn’t bear to look up to the man. How fucking embarrassing was all of this.

“I’m so sorry.” You barely spoke.

“Nothing to apologize for Y/N. Can I touch you?”

“Yeah.” You still couldn’t look up. So ashamed.

Feeling his arm wrap around your back you closed your eyes letting him take you in. He pulled you into his chest wrapping his arms around you. Squeezing tightly, he dropped one hand brushing your hair out of your face.

“I’m so sorry.” He whispered into your hair trying to make you feel a bit better. He couldn’t imagine the agony you must be in. He wished he could just take it and throw it all away for you. He was in far too deep. He couldn’t seem to stop himself.

“It’s okay.” You replied softly letting your head fall against his chest. Whatever embarrassment you felt washed away as you breathed him in. He just felt like comfort.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“Okay.”

“But” you paused taking another breath. Whatever, he should know why you were as fucked as you really were. So, you told him everything. All the nitty gritty details. He listened. Squeezed you when you were slow to continue. To encourage you.

Once you finished, he paused taking everything in. He was shocked the world could be so cruel to someone as gentle as yourself. How could anybody be so awful. How could they not see how wonderful you really were?

“Thank you for telling me.” You nodded, “Sure. Just don’t think any less of me?”

“Never. Come on, let’s get you home.” He stood reaching his hand out to you.

You nodded letting him pull you up, “Thank you Hotch.”

“Jack’s gone for the night. Stay with me tonight in my guest room? I think you’ll sleep better.” He asked which came out more as of a demand.

You could only nod letting yourself fall into him, “Yeah, that sounds nice.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

“Can you walk?”

You smiled softly, “Yes, Aaron. I’m not inept.”

He chuckled softly, “That sounds nice.”

You turned towards him with a big cheesy grin feeling stupidly giddy all of the sudden, oh how this man got you so quickly, “Oh yeah?”

He nodded reaching for your hand, “Come on now.”

“Sounds good, Aaron.” You took his hand happily.

Part 2

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