#mary talking about how he pretends to be happy also like. that felt like it was supposed to land a certain way.

[scare-ard--sleigh]

okay so old college try came on and i think the Thing about joseph that i keep coming up against with fandom interpretation is that i don't see anger there, i see martyrdom

[thecousinsdangereux]

i just recently discovered your soulmate au and i loves it so much. so incredibly intriguing and well written and damn is it hot 🔥 thanks so much for sharing with us. in your mind, does it have a happy ending for them?

also wanted to ask if you'll be checking in to see the big warrior nun announcement coming tomorrow?

Ahhhh thank you! This ask is kind of tragic now given how everything with Warrior Nun ended up going, but I thought I'd use it as a way to share my ideas for the rest of a beggar in the morning, if anyone is interested in learning how it was going to go. Long story short, it was going to have a happy ending. :)

Here's a full outline for what I had in mind for the second half of the fic. Under the cut because it's very detailed in the parts that I'd started writing. Also in case anyone cares about spoilers? At the moment, I don't plan on finishing this fic, but I do plan on returning to writing in general, so guess there's a non-zero chance that I could come back to it. Stranger things have happened.

Beatrice keeps looking for the recipient of the Letter she's been trying to deliver and starts taking trips out into the countryside. She takes Ava's advice and takes to enjoying the journey - stopping into small cafes for lunch rather than eating in the car, taking the long way when it means she can enjoy a new view, etc.

During one of these side quests, she's told about a man who lives way off in the middle of nowhere who has the last name of Reis (the last name of the Letter recipient: Lara Reis), and she tracks him down. He had a sister who had a child with someone who was not her Match. I wanted to go more into what this looks like (and how the church is still anti-abortion in this world, because they think this could potentially ruin a future match, cue eye-roll) but in this case, the woman was basically run out of town. The man directs Beatrice to an orphanage where the child was raised.

This trail eventually goes cold because the orphanage has no records of the girl. They only know she left when she became of age.

The end of chapter six is basically Beatrice being frustrated and taking some 'advice' from Lilith to find someone to fuck hfkjshlk so she goes to the bar and ohhh nooo Ava is working that night, filling in for someone. Ava gets jealous, Bea does some shots, and it's basically a rehash of the lemon drop scene from the show, but hornier. Eventually, they make out, and decide to be friends with benefits.

Chapter 7 was honestly just going to be porn. lol. It's actually some of the first stuff I wrote for this fic - just a page of porn. Beggar came out of a Secret Santa fic exchange, and my friend Alex asked for lots of sex and a soulmate au. So... Chapter 7 was the payoff (part 2). Here's a few disjointed scenes, in case anyone is interested in reading some unedited very E-rated stuff.

A few months go by and all the nuns visit Beatrice for her bday and they're like huh so what's going on here and Beatrice has to pretend that it's not that serious with Ava (lol). I also wanted to do a conversation between Shannon and Beatrice where Shannon talks about the whole Mary thing and loving someone against the will of god (or at the very least, in the very gray areas).

The end of chapter seven is Ava finally talking about her past, which is that Ava doesn't remember hers. She woke up in a hospital without her memories and then spent the next decade traveling around trying to find something that felt like home.

In chapter 8, a lot of time passes, and the fucking continues. Beatrice is kind of losing it, poor girl.

I hadn't exactly decided what was going to happen next, but Ava was going to overstep in some way (or in some perceived way) and Beatrice was going to panic. Either Beatrice was going to have a brief thought about being in love, they were going to have reallyyyy soft sex, or something like that, but either way, Beatrice was going to have to admit she has deeper feelings for Ava than what's allowed allowed, so she goes back to Spain and ignores Ava's texts/calls/etc.

Eventually she realizes she owes Ava closure. She comes back and kind of explains why she's reacted the way she has. She gets more into why she joined the church and it's not for God or the Church itself, but because she does genuinely believe that love itself is holy. She admits she's falling in love with Ava, but she can't break her vows. She believes giving into her feelings would be putting herself above the whole history of love... the sanctity of the entire universe... and to be that selfish would be monstrous.

There's a callback to their early game of three questions, and how Ava still owes Beatrice one answer. Beatrice nearly asks if Ava loves her, but pulls back because she's scared of the answer. They basically break up, but Ava tells Bea to let her know when she's ready to ask her last question.

Beatrice takes it HARD. She buries herself in her work and starts visiting hospitals in various towns. She finds a Spanish doctor and he recognizes the number (or rather, the system behind the number) that is on Letter Beatrice is still trying to deliver. He tells Beatrice she's not looking for a hospital in Portugal, but rather in Spain - one in a small town in Andalusia. He mentions a patient who was in a coma, who woke up without her memories.

At this point, Beatrice obviously knows and she flies to Spain in daze. She visits the hospital, gives them the number, and asks for the name of the patient. When they'd brought the girl in, no one knew where she came from, she didn't have an ID, memories, etc. Nothing except for an old receipt from a restaurant in Portugal. ("Beatrice braces herself for what she already knows, but doesn't want to face.") The nurse at the hospital tells her they used a generic Portuguese name for the girl and it stuck: Ava Silva.

Beatrice visits Cat's Cradle because what else is she supposed to do? How is she supposed to deliver this Letter to Ava, who she's obviously in love with. She talks with Mary and we get the other side of the whole Mary/Shannon thing, and Mary is kind of like, okay, the Letters matter but they don't Matter. Beatrice asks Mary what she would do if she got a Letter (since Mary isn't a nun and could get one, but Shannon never could) and Mary basically says she would throw it away without opening it because she wouldn't want to give Shannon a reason to go self-sacrificial.

Of course, Beatrice doesn't really think this is her call to make. She's going to deliver Ava's Letter. There's this whole scene of her very dramatically and angstily getting ready for the delivery in the Official White Habit, then walking through the town she's come to associate so completely with Ava. And chapter 9 ends.

When Beatrice walks through the doors of the bar, Ava looks up, but doesn't seem surprised, even says 'oh, finally', which is pretty much the last thing that Beatrice expected, but then again, maybe it should have been the first, because Ava is always surprising her, and shouldn't she expect it by now? She asks Ava if she'd known that she was the person Beatrice had been trying to deliver to all along and Ava looks confused at this, like she hadn't considered that at all. "It's not that. I just knew my Letter would be coming because I'd already met you."

Beatrice is like, no no no. That's not how this works. It can't be me. I've been carrying this Letter with me this whole time - before I met you - and the Letters are only sent to a person when they've met their soulmate. And obviously, Beatrice is a nun and can't have a soulmate, etc. etc.

And then Ava says something like this: “Maybe every once in a while, God -- or the universe or whatever it is -- knows that it’ll be really hard to make two people meet organically, so it fudges the rules a little bit. Makes one girl a nun, makes another one hard to find, and sets up the dominos really early on."

And when Beatrice says she's being ridiculous/it's impossible, she says, "I know what’s in that letter. It’s you. I don’t need to open it to know it's you." and "Maybe it’s like some people say and god arranged it all. Fine. Then god chose me for you. Simple. He made me in this exact way, down to my hands and toes and whatever, so that I was perfect for his favorite creation in all of the universe. Because that has to be you."

And: "Or maybe it’s like what those other people say. You know - the past lives reincarnation stuff. Fine, then in our first lives we fell in love and then I found you in the second and third and the five hundredth. I found you and I picked you and I wanted you every time. Or okay, fine, maybe it’s what the the pseudo science people say. Even if those guys are right, I still know. It’s you because at the very start of the universe - at the very beginning of everything - we were the first two bits of something. The first two tiny little sparks. One of those was you and one of them was me. And even when we split off into a million trillion billion infinite pieces, the core of one was you. And the other one was me."

And: "In every religion or in any theory, the world exists so that I can find you again, and the world will do whatever it takes - bend the rules in whatever way - to make sure that at the exact right time, we would meet. And maybe it wasn’t perfect - maybe it was stupid hard for us to get to this point - maybe there was an easier way to make it happen - but I don’t care. Because it worked and I found you and I fell in love with you and I would do anything for that. So yeah. This Letter is telling me that I’m for you. That’s easy. It’s not faith. It’s just a fact.

And: "Besides, whatever’s on that paper? It’s going to be you. If it’s a picture of a butterfly, then it’s going to be you because of that time we went to the dam and one landed on your hand and you said “isn’t the world beautiful?” and that’s when I knew I loved you for the very first time. If it’s the notes to the first bar in At Last, then it’s you, because we used to play it all the time in the bar and I always thought it was fucking stupid to think you'd know like that right away, before everything, but it was the song that played in my head anyways when you walked in the bar that first night. There she is, I sort of thought, a dream that I can speak to."

"It could be any single word or phrase or letter and it would be you, because I love you and I love you so much I see you in every part of this entire world. I love you and I want to keep you with me always, and so you’re always there in my thoughts, slipping over and into everything else and I love it. It makes me love everything I see a little bit more, because it reminds me of you. It makes the world more beautiful."

"So, no offense, but I don't really give a fuck about the Letter. I already know it's going to be you. But I think you need to see it. So you know you’re not as selfish as you think you are."

And Beatrice admits that she wants to be with Ava anyways. Even if it makes her selfish. (Even if it makes her heretical.) Love is holy and what she feels for Ava is holy too, even if it's a sort of holy no one else will ever understand.

I went back and forth about whether they actually SHOULD open the Letter. lol. But I think I eventually settled on that they should, and that when Ava does open it, it's a blank page with like, 7 little dots and Beatrice is like??????????????? But Ava recognizes it instantly and it's the freckles on Beatrice's cheeks, the ones she's always tracing, and she does that again, following the ink on the paper.

Beatrice had been ready to give up her religion for Ava, so getting to keep it, maybe, suddenly is a LOT. She can't quite believe something divine would do something like this for her. But maybe she can believe that something divine would do something like this for Ava.

Later, I wanted Beatrice to have a conversation with Mother Superion. I thought it would be interesting to get into the philosophical bits of it. To debate if Ava could actually be right in her ideas about how this could be, and still fit into what they know about god/Letters/religion. I liked the idea of the conversation ending with neither of them really knowing, and Mother S being like, look girl, you'll never know for sure, but that sounds like faith to me. And Beatrice says no, no this is different, capital F Faith is for the divine. This is just trusting that Ava isn't lying about the freckles thing, or won't get tired of me, or won't find someone else. Etc etc etc. because it's panicking time for Beatrice, suddenly. And Mother Superion just raps her knuckles sort of in the most gentle way she can manage and says "That's love, Beatrice." in the way way someone might say "That's pussy, babe."

Beatrice does leave the church (though she eventually goes back to 'consulting' kind of like Mary). And when she does actually physically leave as well, Ava is waiting outside on a bench. Beatrice asks why she didn't just come inside, and she says something about being a little afraid of churches these days. She did steal god's favorite, after all.

And then they walk off into the sunset, with Beatrice being like wait a second, I thought you said this was all God's plan. And Ava shrugs and says that she would never willingly give Beatrice up, so god might come to her senses and change her mind.

I was going to end it there, but I did consider doing an epilogue as well. Early on in planning I had this idea where, years later, all the nuns regularly come over to the Silvas (because Ava does keep her 'second' name, though she does start to learn more about the Reis family, and meets her Uncle - the dude Beatrice learned about the orphanage from). And on one of these occasions, the nuns are all in white, and they're delivering Beatrice's Letter, which is addressed to Beatrice Silva. In the end, I decided against this, because I liked leaving it more open-ended, but nothing had been set in stone at this point, of course.

So yeah, that was going to be a beggar in the morning. lol. I plotted most of it out before I even started writing, because it wasn't the sort of story you could make up as you went and still tell it well. And I did want to tell the story well! There's a part of me that's sad that I wasn't able to, but I do think it was worth writing what I did. I really loved seeing people realize that Lara was Ava, even as early as chapter 5! And I also loved people coming up with theories about how Avatrice would be endgame. Some of them were honestly really good and maybe better than mine fhdskjhfd I had one person be like PLEASE let Ava's Letter be for someone else so they can metaphorically spit in god's face and honestly that was valid.

I don't know if anyone is going to bother to read this very, very long reply to an ask that doesn't actually ask for any of this, but it honestly just feels nice to put all these ideas together and 'complete' the story. Even if I've done it in the most half-assed way possible I am so sorry fhadskjlfhldsj

[flowerandblood]

Glass Cuts Deepest (10)

[ professor! • Aemond x student! • female ]

[ warnings: kissing, panic attack, mention of rape, fluff, angst, indecent student-teacher relationship ]

[ description: A female painting student is finally able to choose the specialisation she has dreamt of - stained glass. She wants to become a student of the best specialist in this field, but he, for some reason, refuses to accept female students into his workshop. She finds out that he once slapped a female student of one of the other professors. Nevertheless, she makes an attempt to find out what happened then and to convince him to teach her. Slow burn, sexual tension, dark, agressive Aemond, great childhood traumas. ]

* English is not my first language. Please, do not repost. Enjoy! *

Previous and next chapters: Masterlist

_____

He had never felt as calm and happy as he did that morning when he returned to his room − he couldn't get rid of the smile of pride and satisfaction at the thought that he had touched her, that he had brought her to orgasm with his very words, kisses and the touch of his hand.

He could still hear her surprised sobs of pleasure as fulfilment shook her body, as she sought refuge in his arms.

She was so polite and obedient, keeping her hands where he told her to, even though he knew it was difficult for her, she didn't touch him, allowing him to focus entirely on her and her pleasure.

He had never touched a woman of his own volition before her.

He wondered how it had come so easily, practically effortlessly, and realised that he had not associated this type of touch with Alys.

When she came to him then it wasn't him touching her, she was the one touching him, she was the one in control.

However, Wright then gave herself completely to him, allowing him to touch her as he wished, still clothed without making him feel threatened.

He realised that this could have been the solution to his problem, that maybe when he was the one in control of what was happening, his body wouldn't react with panic and bring up those awful memories.

When they went to the church to see how the installed stained glass windows looked like he felt a kind of pride, seeing how the golden background around the Mother of God with the child shimmered in the sunlight, giving a truly heavenly impression.

He couldn't look away from the face he had painted, simultaneously embarrassed and delighted by the sight, realising something, interjecting a word from the bishop who had just praised his student's project.

"In Christian iconography and theology, the Virgin Mary is supposed to be the personification of the New Eve, transformed from a woman who was tempted into a woman who contributed to human salvation. Her son, Christ, was instead to be the new Adam, which is why often in crucifixion paintings we see a skull under his feet on the ground that is meant to symbolise Adam's tomb, on which his cross grows like a tree." He said calmly, pretending that he just wanted to add some interesting information on the subject, but when he glanced at Wright he saw her lower her gaze quickly, trying to hide the smile of embarrassment and the redness of her cheeks.

He knew he was talking about her.

She was his Eve.

She was his salvation.

He had fallen in love with her.

"Indeed, the professor is right, Our Lady and Christ are the announcement of a new paradise, but also of the good news that the exile and wandering of mankind is over, that the gates of heaven have been opened to them again." Said the bishop in a light tone, acknowledging his point, snapping him out of his reverie with his next question.

"Who painted the face of that wondrous Mother of God that shines so luminously before us?"

He looked at him in surprise, feeling his heart pounding fast, and grunted quietly, not wanting to show his sudden nervousness.

"Me." He said indifferently and dryly, standing with his hands folded in front of him, and then he saw the priest's gaze quickly shift to his female student. He felt a tightening in his throat, knowing that he already knew.

Fuck.

Was Cregan guessing too, or was he just pretending not to see it?

How could he have been so stupid to let this happen?

He swallowed loudly, glancing at Wright and felt a cool sweat on the back of his neck noticing how she had gone pale, not a trace of her joy and contentment from a second ago.

She didn't look at him.

Not when they left, not when they drove back to the hotel, not when Cregan suggested they celebrate her success with dinner. He was willing to do it, he was proud of her, but she just said thank you, smiling sadly, and said she was tired and would go to her room now.

She was heartbroken and it was his fault.

As soon as he had showered and changed he was immediately outside her balcony door, knocking on her window, devastated at the thought that she might not want to see him anymore, that he had screwed things up so badly.

He was relieved when he heard movement on the other side, and then the door opened. He saw the look on her face, sadness, tiredness and resignation, and felt a tightness in his throat. He closed the door behind him, looking at her, all tense.

"What's going on?" He asked immediately, feeling like his heart was about to jump out of his chest, his breathing uneven and accelerated.

He felt even worse when he saw that she looked away and pressed her lips together, clearly feeling uncomfortable that she wanted to tell him something that might hurt him.

"He knows. He knows it was my face you gave to your Virgin Mary." She muttered in despair and took a step back as he moved towards her. She didn't move away when he grabbed the nape of her neck and pressed his forehead against hers, shushing her silently as he traced the skin of her warm cheek with the fingers of his other hand.

"− shhh −" He whispered, hearing her accelerated breathing, seeing her look on the verge of crying, feeling painfully remorseful that he had put them at risk himself.

He didn't know then what would happen, didn't know he could ever have her.

"− it won't work − someone will catch us − we won't hide −" She whispered in a breaking voice, tear after tear running down her cheek.

He felt a sting in his heart at the thought that she was terrified, that she had realised what a threat this was if someone caught them. He pressed his lips together, knowing that he was the one who had the least to lose, that he was finished anyway, that he wanted to leave anyway, but she was going to study there for three more years.

He didn't want anyone to think that she owed her place and victory in the competition to the fact that she was warming his bed.

Helpless, he hushed her once more, drawing her to him, embracing her with his arms and cuddling her into his chest. She clung to him immediately, placing her hands on his t-shirt just as he had shown her the day before, hugging her cheek to his torso, breathing raggedly through her cry.

"Just tell me if you want to try." He whispered, stroking her hair and back in a calm, slow motion. He felt her freeze, her breathing sped up − she herself no longer knew what she wanted and the thought was breaking his heart.

"I'm scared." She whispered in a trembling voice. He grasped her cheeks gently in his hand and lifted her face to look at him.

"I'm scared too, but that's not what I asked you." He said calmly, looking at her tenderly.

He was scared too.

He had been scared all his life.

But he wanted to try.

He could see that she didn't know what to say, that she was heartbroken and terrified, that she needed comfort and reassurance that he wouldn't leave her, that he wouldn't expose her to mockery and gossip, that he would protect and care for her, that he wouldn't treat her like a pretty toy that he would abandon as soon as he got bored.

He felt that he had to explain to her how he felt about her, that he had to somehow put into words why it was all so important to him, why she was precious to him, why he needed her so much.

"I don't know if you believe in God, but I do. Despite what has happened to me, I believe in him and that he is merciful. I also believe that he put you in my path, that he made me choose you because you are his gift, that he knows neither of us wants to do anything bad. I have never had the opportunity to care or look after anyone before in my life, but I want to do so for you. My sketches, your face that I painted, was an expression of my desperation and suffering, but this is the last time I let anyone see what I feel for you. This is the last time I put you in danger." He whispered in a trembling voice, tucking an unruly strand of her hair behind her ear in a tender, soft gesture, literally letting out his thoughts, his feelings.

Despite what had happened to him, he was a person of faith, attending church and praying.

His faith was instilled in him by his mother, taking him to church with her every Sunday. Aegon and Helaena did not want to go there, but he did. At first, it was because he had her all to himself then, that it was their time, that he was then her only child to whom she gave her attention.

But then he began to find some kind of relief in this, in the thought that his suffering was not worthless, that it had some meaning, that he may not have had a good father on earth, but he had one in heaven.

Seeing his suffering and loneliness, he sent him, like to Adam in Eden, his Eve, so that he would no longer be lonely, and with her he sent him that wonderful feeling that had to come from him, because it was too beautiful, too warm, too good.

He saw her draw in the air loudly at his words, her gaze warm and tender, filled with pain and affection at the same time, from which he felt tears under his eyelids.

"Please, protect me." She mumbled at last, and he sighed loudly in relief and smiled tenderly, stroking her cheeks.

"I'll. I promise." He whispered, feeling heat filling his heart at the thought that she trusted him, that she believed he was capable of it, that his feelings for her were sincere.

They leaned towards each other tentatively and then their lips came together in a hot, wet kiss that made his head spin, her scent and taste filling all his senses making him feel throbbing in his sweatpants again.

After what had happened the day before, he felt more confident.

He thought he wanted to do it.

"− do you want to finish what we started yesterday? −" He asked quietly and she nodded, smiling so sweetly, so innocently, that he felt like devouring her.

They kissed again, deeper and more passionately, and then he took her hand in his, leading her slowly towards her bed, sitting down on it, looking up at her from below.

She stood before him, beautiful and warm, just his, and he had all night to explore her body.

He bit his lower lip feeling the painfully pleasurable pulsing of his manhood again, pleased with how automatically his body responded to her closeness.

"Can I stroke your cheek?" She asked uncertainly and he swallowed loudly, looking at her surprised.

You are such a pretty boy, Aemond.

He wasn't sure if he wanted it or not, but he thought it was just a touch on the cheek, no big deal − he knew how warm and soft her hands were and he decided he wanted to feel her.

So he nodded and swallowed loudly, closing his eyes, pressing his lips together because as soon as he felt her touch, he saw her, pulling off her nightshirt, a shapely, ripe body that might as well have belonged to his mother.

He saw her large breasts, her wide hips, her womb.

Why are you so tense?

"Are you okay?" He heard another soft, warm voice and nodded, figuring he could stand it, that she wasn't doing anything wrong after all, that she was just touching his fucking cheek.

But instead of her hand, he felt her hand, her hand stroking him as she rode him, as her body fell against his manhood with a loud, sickening click, and she panted in delight.

Look, see?

You wouldn't be so hard if you didn't want it.

It's okay, sweetheart.

He felt tears under his eyelids, pressed his lips together and shook his head, grabbing her wrist.

"− no − I − I'm not − I'm sorry −" He mumbled out brokenly and felt her pull away from him immediately, but he was no longer there, with her − he was in his hotel room there, during their family trip to the seaside, he was alone in his bed when she came to him and refused to leave his mind, his heart, his body.

It wasn't better at all.

Nothing was better.

Nothing had changed.

He couldn't not think about it.

He burst out sobbing, heartbroken by this discovery, by the realisation that he could only touch but not be touched, that the physical tenderness of the girl he adored was unwanted to him, made him uncomfortable, made him want to run away. He couldn't cope with that thought, that terrifying realisation that this would probably never change.

That forever again the touch of her hand on his bare cheek, his arms or his torso would remind him of her.

That he would never let her touch him down there because it would remind him of her.

That he might not even be able to look at her beautiful, gorgeous naked body because it would remind him of her.

He wanted to die.

"− I'm begging you, don't apologise − I'm the one who's sorry − so much has happened, I shouldn't have asked for this − forgive me, I didn't mean to hurt you −" Her terrified, distraught voice roused him from his lethargy. He chuckled despairingly under his breath, revealing his face to her, shaking his head.

"− hurt me? − you can't even touch me − fuck! −" He growled in despair through his tears, running his hand over his face, feeling his whole stomach clench, his body quivering, knowing it was a panic attack again and that she had just witnessed it, that after what she had seen she would understand what she was dealing with, how fucked up he was.

She couldn't even touch his fucking cheek because he was starting to shake and cry.

How were they going to have a normal relationship?

How could he make her persist in something like this, feeling perpetually rejected and unwanted?

He thought it was all her fault, that stupid whore − he felt anger and hatred, words began to fly out of his mouth on their own, the things he had never told anyone about gushed out of him like the poison that had bubbled up inside him all these years.

"− that whore − then when she came to me − she touched me, she fucking touched me everywhere − my cheeks, my shoulders, my chest, my stomach, my −" He couldn't finish, gasping for air, his voice breaking through the fact that he was crying and couldn't breathe, looking at her, seeing her terrified, hot gaze full of concern and understanding.

She was listening to him, she was beside him, kneeling on the ground beside him like Mary Magdalene beside Christ, not daring to touch him.

He drew in a loud breath and raised his hand, as if he wanted to explain something to her, to point out the source of the whole problem.

"− she touched me everywhere − e v e r y w h e r e − as if she wanted to contaminate my body − to make sure that no one would ever touch me after her again −" He muttered in a breaking, angry, embittered voice, running his hands through his hair, only now understanding what she had done to him, how much she had deconstructed him as a person.

For years he had told himself that he simply hated women and didn't need them, that he was capable of satisfying all his needs himself, but now he realised that this wasn't true, that he was protecting himself this way from disappointment, that subconsciously he knew he wouldn't be able to bear the touch of anyone else.

He saw her cover her mouth with her hand, crying as he did, her eyebrows arched in anguish, in disbelief, the pain in her eyes from which his own heart squeezed.

"− she destroyed me as a man − as a boy − you were right − it doesn't make sense − you don't deserve this, you will only face rejection from me −" He muttered, burying his face in his hands again, heartbroken at the thought that he hadn't been able to give her what she needed, that he would never change, that he would never be normal again, that what had happened to him couldn't be fixed.

He felt worse and worse, he felt the contents of his breakfast in his throat, his heart was pounding so hard he felt like he was about to die, he was shivering all over, cold sweat running down his back.

"− you said you would never touch a woman before me, and yet you've been sleeping in the same bed with me for the past two nights − you've been holding my hand and kissing me − you demand too much of yourself and you think I demand the same, but that's not true − I just want you to be there for me −" She said in a quick, breaking, soft voice from which he felt warmth in his chest − he drew in air loudly, clinging to her words, wanting to believe her, wanting to hope.

And then he felt a contraction in his stomach.

He knew what it meant.

His body had always reacted the same way since that evening.

"− I − I − I think I'm about to throw up −" He mumbled and heard her pick herself up quickly, running somewhere, taking a moment to hand him the vase.

He just managed to turn away from her, not wanting him to look at it, and threw up, trembling all over, breathing loudly, embarrassed, humiliated, weak and distraught, feeling that he had just shown her his worst side, the one he was most ashamed of.

He thought that after something like this she would never want him again.

That she would only be with him out of compassion.

"− I'll stay with you − I'll take my duvet, we'll go to your room and I'll lie down on the armchair next to you − I'll be with you, okay? −" She whispered in a trembling voice, and he felt a tightening in his heart at the thought that his guess had come true, that she felt sorry for him, that she would now feel responsible for him like a mother for her child rather than a woman for her man.

Still, he needed her like he had never needed anyone else in his life, so he nodded.

He rinsed his mouth and the vase in her bathroom, not even looking at his reflection in the mirror out of shame, unable to believe that he had got a panic attack because she had touched his cheek.

He left her room without a word.

He only checked that they had both closed the door behind them and lay down on his bed, feeling completely lifeless, weak and resigned.

Empty.

He saw her sprawled in an armchair near his bed covering herself with a duvet and thought it was pathetic that he, as a man, was supposed to sleep here and she was supposed to lie there in discomfort and watch him as if he were six years old.

He stood up abruptly, frustrated by this thought, walking over to her.

"− you'll be uncomfortable there − lie on the bed, I'll sleep in the armchair −" He said indifferently, but she furrowed her brow and shook her head, covering herself more tightly.

"− no −" She said in a tone that he knew wouldn't convince her, and he no longer had the strength to argue with her.

"− come to bed −" He whispered resignedly, going back and laying down on the bedding. He heard her objection caused by fear that she would make him uncomfortable again, but he interrupted her in mid-sentence by saying that he wanted her close to him.

After a moment, she stood up uncertainly, circling his bed, and he felt the mattress bend under the weight of her body, which lay somewhere far away from him.

He swallowed loudly, feeling shame and sadness, thinking about how he would never be a man again in her eyes, how pathetic he was. He felt tears under his eyelids again and cried like a small child, clenching his lips, not letting any sound leave his throat. He swallowed loudly, drawing in air deeply.

"− will you stroke my head? −" He asked in a breaking voice, remembering that when he was a little boy and was afraid of darkness, his mother would come to him and stroke his head until he fell asleep.

"− I don't want to hurt you again −" She whispered uncertainly, and he felt a tightening in his heart at the thought that she clearly resented herself for wanting to touch him, as if touching his cheek would be some perverted crime.

He squeezed his eyes shut, swallowing loudly, feeling his body tremble, having the feeling that he was cold.

"− please −"

He heard her shift, moving closer but so that her body wasn't touching his, and after a moment he felt her tiny fingers comb through his hair in a soft, calm motion. He felt a pleasant shudder, some kind of reassurance at that familiar, longed-for touch that combined his pleasant memory with her scent and touch.

He heard her want to say something, sensitive to any movement of his, but he didn't let her.

"− don't stop −"

So she continued stroking him, with an unhurried, tender movement of her hand trailing over his head, playing with his short hair making him finally start to calm down, his heart no longer pounding so fast, his breathing no longer so loud.

"− I will watch over you all night − no one will come in here − no one will touch you − you are safe − try to sleep −" She whispered tenderly with a certainty that surprised him − he felt a sudden tightness in his throat, one solitary tear ran down his cheek at her words.

No one will come in here.

No one will touch you.

You are safe.

He hadn't even realised how much he needed to hear it.

He sighed quietly, feeling some kind of relief, as if her reassurance had made his whole body relax.

He believed her.

No one would come in here.

No one would touch him.

He was safe with her.

He closed his eyes, concentrating only on the tender, gentle, feel-good touch of her fingers, on the smell of her body and her shampoo, on the fact that he could feel her breath on his neck.

She was beside him.

He slept restlessly and shuddered every time he woke up feeling her touch, terrified, but as soon as he turned his face towards her and saw her lying next to him immediately felt indescribably relieved.

In the morning, turning around and noticing that she really was awake, that at his slightest movement she opened her eyes and her hand began to stroke him again, he felt a squeeze in his heart.

"− sleep −" He whispered quietly, but she only smiled softly and shook her head as if she was happy to be with him. He felt hot in his heart, felt the need to touch her.

"− embrace me − I want to feel you close −" He murmured, moving closer to her, and she put her arm around him, lifting herself a little higher, pressing her cheek to the top of his head, brushing his hair. He murmured contentedly, snuggling his face into the hollow of her neck, his nostrils filled with her wonderful, longed-for scent.

He slept a stony sleep for the next few hours.

A knock on the door woke them and they both shuddered, terrified.

"Aemond, we have to go to breakfast. I knocked on Wright's room, but I think she's still asleep too. Did you guys forget to set your alarm clocks or something?" He asked amused and they looked at each other with big eyes not knowing what to do, he could see that she was afraid to move from her place.

"− you go on your own, I'm almost ready −" He said loud enough for him to hear and Cregan just sighed heavily and said he would wait for them at the restaurant.

He ran a hand over his face as he heard his footsteps moving slowly away, and then he glanced at her. They looked at each other for a long moment without speaking, tenderness, warmth and concern in her gaze.

He touched her cheek and ran his thumb over it − she closed her eyes, cuddling her face into his hand, stroking it with her fingers.

"− come here −" He hummed tenderly, drawing her to him, sinking into her mouth in an innocent, warm, wet kiss that had nothing of sexual desire in it, only pure longing for the closeness of beloved person.

He brushed the tip of his nose against hers and kissed her again, just as tenderly, purring contentedly when her free hand ran through his hair. She pulled away from him, pressing her forehead against his, trailing her fingers along the back of his head.

"Can I do that?" She asked softly, and he snorted at her question.

"You've been doing that all night at my request." He said softly, and she furrowed her brow, stroking him tenderly.

"I prefer to be sure. I don't want my touch to stop being…pleasurable to you." She mumbled, and he ran his thumb over her lips, not wanting her to say more, understanding what she meant.

"Your touch, your presence is the thing I crave most. I fear nothing so much than that you will no longer desire me after what you have seen." He said with a frown, and she shook her head hurriedly, kissing him quickly and lightly, looking at him again as if she wanted to show him with this gesture that he was completely wrong.

"I've never wanted anyone in my life like I want you."

_____

Aemond Taglist:

(bold means I couldn't tag you)

@its-actually-minicika @notnormalthings-blog @nikstrange @zenka69 @bellaisasleep @k-y-r-a-1 @g-cf2020 @melsunshine @opheliaas-stuff @chainsawsangel @iiamthehybrid @tinykryptonitewerewolf @namoreno @malfoytargaryen @qyburnsghost @aemondsdelight @persephonerinyes @fan-goddess

[creedslove]

mari bb it’s 3am here but i’m suddenly thinking about brooklyn/qz joel (the phase where he’s wearing denim shirt and looms over people like a fucking goon) and how i just wanna be his girl sooo bad 😫 like i want the other women in qz whispering how “no way she got a fucking sundress” and “joel got it for her” and like bash me “fucking spoiled c*nt” etc 😫😫😫😫😫😫 want those nasty blue balled men at the ratty makeshift bar at qz to stare but not daring to do anything bcs “that’s joel’s girl” 😫😫😫 wanna rub joel’s tired muscles after a day of hard work 😫😫😫

but then i thought to myself “wait… do they pnly eat jerkies ..?” and was like nuh uh I WOULD STARVEEEE 😭😭😭😭😭 but i wanna be scary old man joel who can body grown men with a single arm’s sweet little pea soooo bad

-jerk loving anon

Post outbreak!Joel Miller x f!reader

A/N: my beautiful jerk loving anon, this ask is pure sin, it smells and tastes like sex just like everything revolving around Joel Miller 🤤🤤🤤 also, I hope you are doing better now my angel, and sorry if it took me too long to get this done

• life in the Boston QZ was hard; more than hard, it was pure shit most of the time, a depressing city full of depressing people who died out of starvation, disease and poor condition while ruled by a fascist government division, it was understandable why it was so terrible

• that for most people, but not for you, not when you were Joel Miller's girl

• technically, life was a shitty for you and Joel, but you two had each other which made things much better because well, you made Joel happy and no one, absolutely no one messed with Joel Miller's girl

• you both were such a good match, taking care of each other and making sure to make your existence a little less terrible in that fucked up world

• it had started with sex, just sex in the beginning, but it wasn't like Joel could resist your body, your touches looking for some affection and shyly cuddling him after being railed by his thick cock and your big warm eyes looking at him as if he was the greatest thing in the world when he could only think of himself as a murderer and nothing else

• he knew you deserved better, he knew he should keep away, but he didn't want to make sacrifices anymore, he wanted to be selfish and have at least one good thing in the world, and that had to be you, his girl

• it was a surprise to him when he found out his fame didn't bother you one bit, it didn't matter if people hated or feared him, if people knew he could kill in the blink of an eye or if he smuggled shit inside the QZ, you still liked him

• so he knew he would have to take good care of you; so he did his best to give you nice things, it wasn't easy but he would smuggle whatever he could in order to spoil you

• so he would manage to get you several things: new shoes, books, a gorgeous summer dress that would hug tight to your body and even a red lipstick he managed to find because he wanted to see his cock all smeared in red as you gave him a blowjob with red lips

• he even managed to smuggle some snacks once, anything to make his girl happy

• he pretends not to know most women around nearly dies of jealousy of you, they whisper and talk whenever you pass by, whether it's because you have usually better or newer things or simply because of the fact you managed to win Joel Miller's heart of stone, out of all the other women in that QZ

• you also knew those envious bitches trash talked you, but you didn't care one bit, if anything, you were proud of being Joel's and that a lot of people envied you, you just knew you would be envious too if Joel liked someone else instead

• you and Joel walked around when you had some days off, it only took a glare from him at whoever guy who tried to hit on you or make any remarks towards you, your looks or your body, and needless to you, you felt so safe in his arms

• he always pulled you closer, kissing your temple and having his arm wrapped around your waist

• in return, you would do your best to cook as decent meals as possible with that ration FEDRA gave you all, it wasn't the best, but Joel seemed to like it

• you always warmed up food so he could have a warm shower and you would gladly rub his shoulders, massage them and make sure to help him relax

• and you gladly loved to ride his cock in that shitty couch or shitty bed and it didn't matter if the neighbors could hear it or not, you just wanted to enjoy the pleasure Joel gave you

• at the end of the day, you would snuggle Joel and hug him to bed, falling asleep in his arms, loving how he very often became the little spoon even if he was bigger than you

____

[ramblingautisticman]

Why Is This Song In My Poolverine Playlist, A Series.

(I am extremley insane and make playlists for every ship/character/show I like, and yes there is a reason each on is in there. I think of lil scenarios, situations or straight up story ideas because of a song- so enjoy this series where I write them all down!)

Today's song, Car Lights by James Marriot.

So, firstly, this is a Wade and Logan song. The lyrics and the vibe and everything just fit in my head perfectly. (All of the lyrics in Red are Wade, all in Orange are Logan)

Now, the first verse seems to me like Wade's thoughts as he sits at the table, surrounded by the people he saved, staring into the pizza on his plate zoned out.

Wade questions why he's still here. He was ready to die, to finally be the hero, and get his happy ending. He was going to finally matter. He was going to finally make a difference- but here he was. Logan had saved him. Logan had fought hard to do so - for some strange reason- and now his family of 9 (well, 12. Laura, Logan and Dogpool all had a place here now, and he hoped it lasted for a long while.) were sat around his shitty dining table, drinking shitty beer and eating even shittier pizza. It felt weird. He felt out of place.

"Why am I here? Could you come instead? I'm ten good miles out of my depth."

But he should be happy. He should be glad that his family are safe- that he has found more people to add to his photo! Everything should feel perfect! Yet, he still feels as he did before. He still has this gnawing feeling of inadequacy, the feeling that- even after all this- he still hasn't done anything of value. It was only because Logan agreed to come with him that they were safe now. If Logan had said no, or if he hadn't been able to find a Logan who had agreed, they would all be dead. They would all be nothing.

"Some more fake smiles, I'll just nod my head."

And while he wants to just drown in those thoughts for awhile, Logan manages to snap him out of it by taking Mary Puppins from him, telling him to talk to Vanessa. And what's strange is that- even after doing this for her- he doesn't really feel that spark as he looks at her. He feels this strange empty pit in his stomach where previously there had been this wondrous feeling of hope and love. Wade suddenly can't help but feel stupid for even trying to win her back. Vanessa was happy with Dermot. Vanessa had moved on and suddenly- sitting here with everyone- he realizes those feelings of hope and love have shifted. He isn't sure what to, but they have shifted, and it makes his stomach twist. Maybe this was a sign that Wade really wasn't important. That he wasn't destined to do great things and that he would be alone forever. So he shares a quiet word, tries to pretend he is happy and still inlove, and soon enough they are holding hands ontop of the table. But it doesn't feel like it used too. That electricity isn't there and Wade finds that he doesn't want to try and chase it. He doesn't know if he can set himself to just be hurt again- but he also knows he doesn't want it. He doesn't know what he wants now, but maybe it isn't this, and that scares him.

"For one more glimpse of your breath. Stained shirts and cigarettes. I failed again, tried my best."

Soon enough, everyone has said their goodbyes, Logan and Wade left to clean the apartment up while Al goes to bed. It's quiet for a moment, before Logan asks how it went with Vanessa, and Wade freezes at the question. He should feel something about the fact they aren't getting back together- shouldn't he? Should be upset or annoyed or angry or something- but he really isn't. He thinks that Vanessa is better off without him. Everyone he has ever gotten close too ends up hurt anyway, and Vanessa is the massive proof of that. And he must not of answered because suddenly he feels a strong but gentle hand on his shoulder, and Logan is stood infront of him with a concerned expression. It makes Wade feel safe and seen and fucking worse and he quickly plasters a smile on his face, makes a grotesque joke about how he won't ever get to see that pussy again, and throws some music on to drown out the thoughts as he finishes cleaning the apartment.

"Forget my fears, ignore all my frets. Just lay your mind on my chest."

And maybe Logan seems to understand because he doesn't ask any more questions, just tidys with him while some trashy music plays behind them, and Wade is overly grateful for that. As much as he doesn't want to think about why he is feeling the way he does, he knows he should. Wade tries to rationalise it- to tell himself that maybe it's because he's tired or because Vanessa told him they couldn't get back together- but he knows those are both lies. It suddenly hits him that he doesn't feel sad or angry because he doesn't feel like that towards her anymore. It hits him hard, that realisation. Vanessa had been the one thing in Wades life he knew would always be there- and in theory- always be the same. They were meant to be soulmates, to match eachothers crazy, but suddenly they weren't and suddenly Wade was okay with that. And, once again, he must of freaked Logan out- this time there are two strong hands on his shoulders trying to ground him- and it works. It takes a minute, and Logan has to talk to him about how to breath, but it works and Wade feels wet streaks down his face. Logan doesn't even say anything before he is wrapping his hands around Wade and pulling him into his chest, holding him as close as he can. After a good few minutes of awkwardly standing there, Wade wraps his shaky arms around Logan's middle and let's everything hit him. Let's the emotions take over, and before he can register it, he's crying into Logan's chest.

"You seem like that kind of guy to play me tonight."

It should feel comforting- and it does, it really really does- but it also makes Wade feel a strangley familiar sensation in his stomach. That warm fuzzy feelings that's a mixture of anxiety and comfort. A feeling he only used to feel with Vanessa. Wade knows he shouldn't feel like this. Really. This is Logan- and he was Wade- and he has only just realized he doesn't even want Vanessa anymore- but it doesn't feel bad. For some reason, the warm fuzzy feeling makes him feel better. Makes him feel safe. Makes him feel like maybe everything will be okay- because for some reason- someone might care.

"I hate what your doing, I hate that it feels so right."

And that makes him feel even worse somehow, and Wade is quickly pulling away from Logan because he can't deal with this right now. Right now he needs to make a bed for Mary Puppins and set the pull out couch up for them and he needs to throw the rest of the pizza away before it gets all gross and he doesn't have time to think about this. Think about why he feels like this.

And honestly, the rest of the song? It's Logan and Wade.

"I think I'm falling for someone else".

After such a long time pining over Vanessa, Wade suddenly becoming aware that he doesn't have feelings for the one person who he thought understood him and that instead he's gaining feelings for someone who truly understands him, and being completely terrified.

"I'm not scared, there's nothing to run from"

That is Logan reassuring Wade. Telling him that, I love you no matter what. I want you. There is nothing I am scared of- not when I'm stood next to you. Reminding him that there is no danger in letting him be loved. That he doesn't have to run.

"You can hold my hand in a crowded place, but just hold me close, and hope that they don't see my face."

Wade feeling insecure being public with his relationship. He hates how he looks- how people stare and gawk at him- and Logan doesn't need that. Logan doesn't need people to look at him and feel pity.

"I can answer your troubles if you let me in."

Logan begging Wade to let him in. To talk to him. To be open about why he feels the way he does- trying to help him as much as he can.

I hope you enjoyed this long ramble, and if yall want the playlist let me know!!

[johnlockrdj]

During both movies, we can see all feelings Holmes went through after Watson's engagement and marriage:

1)He was very jealous in the first movie and he tried everything to convince Watson to stay with him(he informed him that Mary was engaged before, then hired a gypsie to convince him that he shouldn't marry)

2)Gradually he accepted Watson's marriage in the end of the first movie, because he knew that they will marry

3)During the second movie he fully accepted John's marriage but he was totally sad. It was obvious that he unwillingly had to accept it. Holmes was trying to convince himself that he is happy that John has found his love.He felt himself responsible to arrange the stag-party and the wedding as a friend, but he couldn't be happy because he loved him very much. It was clear in the beggining of GoS that Holmes was trying to suppress his love and pretend to be happy. But his feelings were so great that he couldn't hide it anymore, so he left the wedding early.

4)But when Moriarty threatened Watson's life, Holmes knew that he had to intrude their honeymoon. And he used it as a great reason to try and convince Watson to stay with him again. But he also did it to protect Watson(because he knew that Moriarty will try to hurt him again). And at that moment, Holmes felt that his love for Watson arouse again. Also he wanted Watson to be with him because he already knew that he will probably die, so he wanted to spend his last month with Watson(and it was like a honeymoon to Holmes, as he said himself)On that month Holmes didn't suppress his love for Watson. But he also had to stop the war,so he kinda mixed love and work. And in the ball in Reichenbach he was almost 100% sure that he will have to die to keep Watson safe, so he wanted to have his last memory of his only love. And that was the reason he danced with Watson(if Holmes just wanted to discuss the plan secretly, he could have just walked through the ballroom with Watson and showed the man and it would be much more unnoticed) Some people can say, that he had done the same with Simza, but I disagree. Holmes danced with Simza because it was easier and more unnoticable to observe the room Also he almost wasn't looking at Simza, while in the dance with Watson he looked at him more frequently and even if they were talking seriously, Holmes' eyes were looking at Watson lovingly. And also he even complimented Watson for his dance("Who taught you how to dance?"), which meant that he payed attention to their dance and was enjoying it. After the dance, Holmes was trying very hard to not give away his real plan of sacrificing himself(he was literally trembling when he was talking to Watson) And then he left his love and went to meet Moriarty and carry out his plan. And there comes my favorite and also the saddest moment in GoS: Holmes was about to throw himself to the cliff with Moriarty, when Watson came right at that moment. I cry every time I remember that scene! The look on Holmes' eyes... He was shocked a little, because he didn't want Watson to see that. But then there were love , care and sadness in his eyes as he closed them, so that the last thing he sees is his only true love, the person whom he loves more than himself- his dearest Watson...

I have never been so emotional in my whole life until I watched Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes. This movie is the best movie ever made!

(By the way, I just noticed that I wrote a lot. So sorry for the length)

[woodchipp]

Thank you for spelling out your character development, Aubrey! You really needed to because you didn't actually have it in the first place, but the game needs to pretend as if you did!

"I felt like everyone abandoned me... and abandoned MARI too..."

I'd like to note the way Aubrey phrases this line. Mari is tacked on at the end of the sentence as if she's an afterthought.

Considering how self-centered Aubrey has shown herself to be over the course of the game, it reads more as "Everyone abandoned me, goddammit! oh and there's that dead girl too ig"

It's very subtle and intricate writing when your characters rant about their foibles to the audience as if they're standing in a confessional.

"After SUNNY stopped coming to school..."

Which he did on a whim, apparently. Nowhere in the game is it stated or implied he was homeschooled or granted some special exemption.

Also... the writer... totally... isn't... overusing... ellipses...

"I just wanted to go through the photos, because... well... I guess I just wanted to see everyone happy again."

It always circles back to Aubrey and what she wants. It didn't occur to her to leave Basil's things alone since going through the album might bring up some painful memories for him. No, all that mattered is that she wanted to "see everyone happy again," even if that makes those same people miserable now.

Aubrey is an asshole.

"All of our memories together..."

Because the giant "BASIL'S MEMORIES" on the album's cover wasn't convincing enough for her, apparently.

I have already touched on this in other posts, but for the purposes of this one, I have to reiterate.

1) Aubrey's immediate reaction to a perceived slight was to basically disown her close friend of God knows how many years (even though she had no reason to blame him, nor did she let him explain himself) and make a conscious choice to start harassing him. Because that's what strong friendship is, isn't it?

2) She conveniently doesn't specify other "things like that" she called Basil, which implies she might have called him something way worse than "creep"

As you should.

You won't get to do anything about that, though, because the story is going to shift its focus to Sunny in a few minutes anyway.

Peak writing!

And now she's turned on the waterworks because the game's running short on time allotted to her "character arc", so we need to pity her as fast as possible.

I find it funny how the fact Aubrey nearly killed Basil back at their old hangout spot the day prior is not directly brought up or addressed by her at any point of her rant. Her sudden breakdown would have made more sense if it came after her admitting how guilty she actually feels about the accident because she crossed a line or something like that. Nothing of the sort happens, and all we ever get is a vague "What I've been doing is worse than what BASIL did"

BULLYING PEOPLE IS NOT A "MISTAKE". IT IS A DELIBERATE DECISION YOU MAKE.

FUCK YOU.

(also, Sunny taking a few steps back instead of trying to comfort his friend like Hero and Kel speaks more of his character than the game ever could)

"I'm going to acknowledge I'm a shitty friend, but you're not going to see me develop! What do you take me for? An important character?"

"sorry I didn't put my life on hold to keep you all from turning on each other because I'm this group's singular braincell, apparently :<"

Yes, they don't deserve an asshole like you as a friend.

Sunny and Aubrey are both friends no one deserves, actually. One is so unreliable he walked out on his bestie when said bestie was at his most vulnerable and the other harassed her friend for four years just because she assumed he wronged her

Hero's argument to convince Aubrey she does care about her friends after all omits the fact she stole one of her friends' property and then bullied said friend because of it.

Love that no one gives a shit about Basil in this game.

And you couldn't say this while you were talking to her in the church on Three Days Left because...?

>>"We should all be here for each other!" >>Sunny is due to move town the next day

fucking lmao

And that's it! Aubrey's redemption is official!

Except it literally took a single poorly-written rant. And a hug.

Because that's peak writing.

143/10 once-in-a-lifetime masterpiece would absolutely kill my sister because I couldn't watch the TV for as long as I want again

[arins-art-alley]

Can we have Rust looooooooore?

that octopus that i hate

Rust was born around the same time as the Squid Sisters, but was born in the domes. Rust's birth name is actually Ruby, but he changed it for swag reasons around age 13ish. Growing uphis sisters were either elite soliders or engineers of some sort, so he wanted to follow those footsteps. However, while his family was supportive, they were a bit distatnt as well, thnaks to the giant age-gap between him and his sisters (12 years.) This kinda leads to Rust's mentality that he has to work for his love/attention, which will come into big play later.

Rust, from 15-18ish, is trained alongeside two friends that would also follow him into being Callie's bodyguards in S2. These two friends are {CURRENTLY UNNAMED SORRY LOL} but basically Rust's support group and his besties. They're all very close, up until a pink squid enters Rust's life.

As the two first meet, they're good friends, and Callie appreicates having such a dedicated guard. Then they hit it off a little too well. After Callie makes the first move, Rust follows and they go maybe we should just actually date instead of pushing the boundaries of whatever really good friends mean. Through heartfelt confessions they find out they do actually love each other and it isn't all shallow physical attraction.

So the two of their insecurities is what makes their relationship so bad and so good at the same time. Callie needs the spotlight and fame and attention and her ego boosted cuz she deep down fears shes worthless without it. She cant' be nobody. Rust's big insecurity is being unworthy of love so he thrives on orders from his job, he needs to be helping someone so he can be needed and worthy of someones time. so these two. PLAY into each insecurities really well. Rust, being Callie's guard and backup dancer, gives her constant attention because he gets his "need to be wanted and needed" desire filled and Callie gets her attention and praise desire filled. theyre. Horrible for each other.

The two end up fighting occasionally thanks to Callie's hypnoshades making her a tad more aggressive and the shades take most of her worries away but there are nights where she desperately misses watching stars with Marie. Callie slightly wants to leave the domes sometimes, but not really badly cuz of course shades. She voices that one time and Rust gets crazy possessive. Callie gets upset with his possessiveness. Rust claims she wouldnt be anyone without her ( this hits a nerve !! cuz Callie needs to be someone !! ) and they end up bickering and fighting a lot. They make up fast but just simply opting to NOT talk about it and pretend nothing happened and then couple days later when they end up fighting again.

Rust's friends [ who also work as Callie's backup dancers ] notice Rust's slow descent into being, stupid? They try to advise him like "Hey, maybe you wanna take things a little slow?" but Rust shoves them off. Because he's dumb. (emotionally immature)

When marie does find her, Callie still does love Rust. But she needs to see the surface again. She needs to get better. She felt amazing with Rust, but she felt like shit about her life in general in the domes. She tries to get Rust to come with her, but Rust makes it clear that hes not leaving the domes and neither is Callie.

Marie splats Rust the first time with a charger as Rust starts dashing for Callie, and Rust respawns back at his base, probably a good while away from the dome where Callie is saved, so he can't intervene any further.

After this, Callie on the surface is in a depressive episode, Rust is in a worse? depressive episode? It's hard to tell whos gets it worse. Callie bring tired of throwing herself at acting gigs and stuff, burnout + she misses Rust even though shes aware of how bad he is for her, makes her relapse into the shades.

The 2nd time they meet, its a very sweet reunion from the inside. They're happy! Rust promises never to hurt her again! Callie won't leave him behind! they're in love!!! From the outside, its horrible cuz both of them are literally ruining themselves just to be with each other. Both of them are acutely aware this sweet phase isnt gonna last. Rust still feels incredibly defensive at the thought of Callie leaving.

It doesnt take marie long to track her ass down (3 days at most) and Rust gets defensive to the point of when Callie gets the shades knocked off, he mad dashes to put them back on, but Callie moves out the way. She rejects him by doing that. Rust kinda freezes. Did Callie not want him anymore, did Callie not need him anymore, is Callie no longer in love with him?

Rust ends up yelling out basically "Don't leave me behind!" as Marie holds a Callie on brink of tears, and as they leave, that's the last they see of each other for like. 2-3 years. When they see each other again, Callie comes down to the domes to try and convince Rust one last time. A note and the calamari inkantation. She pleads rust to give the surface a chance. She cant promise she'll date him again. But she begs him to give himself a chance, and to go to the surface for himself, not just for her.

anyways that toxic yuri I HATE THEM

[ranaissingle]

Coffee Or Tea pt. 4

Masterlist

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 5

Summary: Reader and Austin spend the rest of their day together and grapple with the reality of their feelings (by grapple I mean they have very sweet sex to the point it makes me want to scream into my pillow) :/ Rating: M Pairings: Austin x AFAB!/Fem!reader Word Count: 2.4 k

Warnings: Mentions of sexual assault and other sex stuff. I will mark where the smexy stuff starts and ends so the people who don't like that stuff won't be bothered A/N: Like last time I had this part ready yesterday but Lisa Marie's funeral was yesterday so it didn't feel right to post this so I waited a day. Enjoy!!

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Austin and Y/N's legs were tangled together on the couch while they read their respective books; Austin drew circles on her knee with his fingers and Y/N fiddled with the creases on his pants. Y/N had never felt so relaxed in the company of someone else. The sunlight was streaming into the apartment and ricocheted off Austins honey spun locks. She hadn't flipped a page in ages. She couldn't take her eyes off him. It almost felt criminal to do so. He was so beautiful it seemed as though his face and body had been tirelessly sculpted by the gods themselves. Each dip and groove dealt with careful precision and the eye of a master. She didn't want to take her eyes off him.

Austin pulled his eyes away from the book he was pretending to be engrossed in. He had also been eyeing Y/N's small hands and supple legs. He felt like he needed to be touching her at all times. He had this suspicion that as soon as he let go of her she would disappear and he would be alone again. He didn't think he could go back to a life without her laugh, the crinkles around her eyes when she smiled, or her obsession with tea and all of its various flavors. He wanted to hold her. He wanted her curves under his hands and his head in her hair.

She wanted to hug him. She wanted her hands around him and her head around his neck. She put her book down in frustration because of her lack of ability to figure out how to smoothly ask of they could lay together.

Austin gathered his strength and spoke.

"Hey, uh it's a little chilly don't ya think?" He was hoping to lead this conversation in a certain direction.

Y/N's heart spasmed. The opportunity she needed had presented itself on a silver platter and she intended to take advantage of it.

"Y-yeah it is. Do you need a blanket or something?" Her voice was soft and breathy as she spoke and Austin could've jumped her right then and there.

"Nah I don't want you to get up over that, why don't we... why don't we just hug? I'm sure that'd keep us warm." His boyish grin and tilted head did wonders for Y/Ns heart.

"Yeah sure, let me just put my tea down." She couldn't contain the warmth that spread across her cheeks as she leaned over Austin to put her mug on the coffee table. When she turned back around to face him, she found his book on the table and his arms outstretched to invite her into his chest and neck. She slipped her arms under and around his chest while resting her forehead against his neck. The soft patter of his heart sped up the longer she held him. Austin was anything but relaxed. His arms wrapped around her should have done wonders to calm him down but combined with the fact that her hip was resting on a compromising part of his pelvis and her soft exhales landing directly in his neck did the exact opposite.

He slowly brought his hands up and around her waist with his palms stretched out over her back. His fingers traced the valleys of her shoulder blades and the dips of her spine. He felt her relax further into his chest as he tightened his arms further around her waist.

"Thank you for trusting me. I know that talking about past boyfriends mustn't have been easy, but I'm happy you felt like you could trust me." He whispered the words into her ear and kissed her forehead when he finished.

She picked up her head from his chest to look at his azure eyes, "Thank you for listening Austin. It's weird, but for some reason, I don't feel comfortable talking about it to anyone else. I guess you just make me feel more... safe? Yeah, safe is the right word." The blissed-out look on her face and her radiant eyes did wonders for Austin's heart.

She wanted to kiss him. She hadn't wanted to kiss anyone in so long but she wanted to kiss him. The feeling came over her like a tidal wave and suddenly all she could think of was the roughness of his hands on her arms and back and the pink lips that she was sure were just as velvety as they looked.

Austin saw her gaze shift lower on his face and knew that she was feeling the same things he was.

"Do it Y/N. Whatever you are thinking of doing do it." Austin was barely holding on to his sanity. His palms burned where they brushed over skin reassuringly.

Y/N couldn't breathe. Austin would need to help her to. She brought her face right over his and hovered over him. His gaze searched hers and kept looking in between both her eyes. She leaned in slowly and Austin couldn't breathe anymore either.

His lips were soft. So soft Y/N felt like she was kissing a marshmallow. He was sweet like a marshmallow too. The hand that previously rested on her back had moved up to cup her jaw in its palm and tangled fingers through her hair. Austin's breathy moan awakened feelings in Y/N she had never felt before. The beats of her heart echoed in her head when Austin licked the seam of her lips to ask for entry into her mouth. She parted them slightly and Austin probed her mouth questioningly. She opened her mouth further to grant him access and suddenly Austin was everywhere all at once. His hands were in her hair and on her waist, his legs caged hers in between his calves and thighs, and his chest and shoulders seemed to encase her in an embrace so warm she felt like she could die at that moment and have absolutely no regrets.

Austin's mouth and tongue kissed her with abandon. He had waited for what felt like an eternity to kiss her. He had felt his hands shake with the need to hold her over the months they had known each other, and now that he had her placed so perfectly in his arms and letting breathy moans and whimpers leave her lips, he felt so full. More full than he had ever felt in a relationship before.

Austin gave her one last soft, open-mouthed kiss, and drew himself off at her moan. She opened her eyes slowly and licked her swollen lips while she stared at him. Austin's hand crept lower to her round ass and he squeezed lightly. She whimpered softly and stifled her head in his neck.

(sappy/steamy sex starts here mdni)

"No one ever kissed me like that before." She brought her hand up and absentmindedly touched her lips and a small smile crept onto her face. Austin wanted to kiss them again. Austin lifted one hand from her waist and brought it up to hold her face while he whispered in her ear.

" I can do it again if ya want baby girl." Her answering whimper and shift of her hips rubbed against Austin's growing erection. A groan escaped his lips and he let his head fall over the side of the couch.

"You're gonna have to stop moving baby girl or else I might do something we are both gonna regret." His voice was strained and sounded like he was out of breath. Y/N tensed in his arms before eventually relaxing again. She pushed herself off his chest and put her mouth near his ear and whispered, "what if I want you to."

" Jesus baby girl," Austin took a deep breath to steady his words before he continued, "Tell me exactly what you want me to do." he hauled himself from laying down on the couch to sitting upright with Y/N in his lap and her knees settled right outside of his legs.

"I won't do anything until you tell me exactly what it is you want."

She wanted him so bad. Y/N was ready to throw all her morals out of the window when it came to Austin.

" I wa- I want you to t-touch me," she gripped his wrist in between her palm and brought it under her skirt; she was feeling bold all of a sudden, "I want you to touch me right h-here." Austin's hand was fully rested on her clothed pussy. He groaned when he felt the way her slick had wet her lace-lined panties.

"Say less baby girl."He ran his fingers up and down her clothed pussy and Y/N whined when the rough fabric of her panties moved over her clit. His large fingers applied the perfect amount of pressure on her most sensitive parts and her subsequent groans and pleas grew louder the more Austin rubbed. Y/N's head lolled back as she placed her hand on his shoulder to ground herself

Austin needed to feel her skin. He wanted his skin on hers. He wanted to know how her slick felt in between his fingers.

"Can I take off your panties beautiful? You're so wet I can practically taste it." Y/N panted at the question.

"Yes, please. I want you to touch me. Please Austin take them off."

"I don't think I'll ever be able to stop touching you at this rate. Your smell is addicting." He nestled his nose behind her nose as he spoke and took in her scent. She smelled like lavender and coconut. A heady blend that left Austin's senses with much to be desired.

Her head had come to rest on his shoulder. He hooked his fingers under her panties and dragged them down her legs slowly while he used his other hand to rub circles on the seam of her spine. When her panties were off, he pushed his fingers in between her slick folds and Y/N keened at the new sensation. Austins answering groan was loud and reverberated against where both of their chests were pressed together.

"Your intoxicating you know that? I could spend the rest of my life with my hands all over you and it would always never be enough. I dream of you baby girl, did you know that? Every time my head hits the pillow you occupy every nook and cranny of my brain. Your smile, your laugh, your smell, " he licked her neck and circled the rim of her entrance as he spoke. " I love how your hips sway when you walk, the way your dainty blouses and tops hug your boobs, and how those skirts you wear barely cover your ass over the tights you love to wear." His other hand crept up under her turtle neck and grazed the skin underneath.

“Aaah” Y/N mo

aned as Austin spoke. The brush of his thumb against her clit and the index finger teasing her entrance did wonders for the growing feeling in her stomach. 

“Do you like it, baby girl? Do you like the way my hands feel against your pussy?”

Y/N nodded frantically as more obscene noises fell from her lips. She had never felt this way before. Never in her life had a man been so gentle and rough at the same time. 

“Can I put my finger in your tight pussy baby? I can make you feel so good if you’ll let me.”

Y/N nodded her head frantically. She couldn't utter a single word let alone a full scentence to answer him. The feeling of the tip of his finger crowning her entrance sent her into a frenzy. 

“Your so tight baby girl, I'm gonna need ya to relax if I'm ever gonna get my finger inside of you darlin’.” Y/N took in a deep breath before relaxing her muscles to allow Austin entrance into her.

“Just like that baby girl, you are doing so well. You're so tight I know your gonna squeeze

my cock in the best way.” Austin groaned as he dipped his finger deeper into her. 

Y/N’s vision was becoming distorted. She couldn't tell up from down nor where her body ended and Austins began. His fingers worked deeper into her until they found the spot that made her hips jump.

“Ah, Aus-Austin right there. it -It feels so good there. Unh!” Her breathing quickened and her hips started grinding over Austin's palm. He was impossibly hard in his pants and he would have given anything to have his cock replace his finger. 

“That’s it, baby girl, you're close huh? I can feel it. You're clenching around my fingers so well.”

Her head lolled back into his neck as the heat began to pool in her stomach. 

“Imagine what it would feel like if my cock was inside of you? I could stretch you so much better with it. I could hit that special spot over and over again until you came just from that.”

Y/N saw black spots in her vision as she called out for Austin.

“Austin I feel anh! I feel weird.” She looked into his eyes as tears began to crest in her eyes. 

“I know baby girl you're about to cum. Don’t stop it just let it wash over you.” His fingers were working the spongy spot within her and her clit all at once and Y/N felt like she might cease to exist.  

Her whimpers and moans grew and grew until she felt the wave crash over her. It was wave after wave of pleasure each one more powerful and all-consuming than the last. She spasmed in Austin's lap as she came down from her high with his arms wrapped tightly around her her head tucked into his neck.

When she eventually came to, she looks down and saw Austin's sizeable erection straining against his pants. Y/N felt her cheeks warm as she shifted her eyes away and back up to his face. 

“Um, do you- do you want me to take care of that?”

Austin’s boisterous laugh startled her; but after she got over her confusion, she laughed with him.

“I’m alright baby girl,” he hugged her tighter to reiterate his point, “Tonight was all about you. I wanted to make you feel good I can wait until next time. Then I'll have all the time in the world to consume you.” He pulled her in for a passionate kiss and Y/N could practically taste the promise on his tongue. 

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I have never been so embarrassed writing anything in my entire life. I quite literally had to write this whilst under the covers of my bed because I could not stomach doing it while sitting at my desk. Don't @ me if the positions they are in don't make any sense I have no one to test them out on haha. I am most certainly going to hell for this so I hope it was worth it lol. I hope you enjoyed it.

[monstermoviedean]

no question here, but your post about how dean isn’t really happy and how sam prioritizes his needs has gotten me thinking and i just think it’s fun to talk about, so i just wanna keep looking at how dean was written post tombstone from a watsonian perspective:

and like you’ve probably already thought about this, but yeah i think dean thinks he owes sam his “okay”ness. i mean. yes we all know that cas represents faith for dean, so getting cas back is super important, but as you pointed out, he’s still not actually totally okay (he still feels that grief for cas, plus mary and crowley). but he told sam that he needed a win to feel better, and then they got cas back, and like he said, that’s a pretty big win… so sam expects him to be better yes, but i think dean’s also thinking smth like, i got my win so now i owe it to sam to be better cause he supported me for all that time ((eh)) and now i have to focus on sam. it’s like you said: it’s a prioritization of needs, and the writers, sam, and dean all do it.

sorry if this is just regurgitating stuff you and others have already said, but it’s still interesting, i think :))

OOH!!!!!! oh this is so interesting!!! thank you for opening this convo because YES.

so i hadn't thought specifically about dean owing sam his okayness but i think you're 100% right! i think we can connect that to how dean acts the way he thinks sam wants him to act. many examples but i talked about it in 13x12 last night. i can't seem to add a link to the post but essentially dean is leaning hard into dumb big brother to help sam feel a sense of normalcy and comfort.

someone else (i cannot for the life of me remember who) pointed out how when things are bad, sam needs dean to be okay. sam relies on dean to model feelings for him so sam doesn't have to grapple with his own feelings. and i think the best evidence of this dynamic is actually its absence during early s13 and just how fucked up it feels to see dean refusing to sugarcoat things, unable and unwilling to pretend everything is fine. so sam takes up the "being okay" mantle. he does try, i'll give him that. but he can't come up with a lot of strategies in order to make things okay. mostly he just denies that there's any sort of problem. it doesn't work for dean, nor should it.

so yes, when dean appears to be okay, everyone treats him like he is. he takes back the "being okay" mantle from sam without objection or complaint. to be clear, i have a lot of sympathy for sam here! he's going through it! but i remain frustrated by the way the show assumes dean will be fine and so papers over the things that are very clearly not fine. dean's time in hell, how everyone treated him in s6 and s7, telling cas he needed him and cas ghosting, feeling responsible for the gadreel situation, kevin's death, charlie's death, mary's disappearance, crowley's death, cas' death...none of these really get resolved. dean appears to move on because that's what everyone in his life expects from him. that's what the writers expect from him.

one win, no matter how huge, does not magically cancel out all the losses. and i do think earlier seasons devoted more screen time to feeling, experiencing, and processing the losses in a way that felt like acknowledgement, if not healing.

[mrsfrecklesmarauders]

Regulus didn't mean to intervene. He was simply having a little bit of weed, on the patio outside. Careful not to be caught of course. Too much going on in his life as always. Too overwhelmed by all the people at the party. Seeing Sirius and having a mix of rage and pity. He looked so happy celebrating his boyfriend's birthday, with his friends, his new family. It was obvious that he had been slowly drifting away. Regulus had been changing lately. Or so Sirius thought.

Anyway... Regulus had to carry on with his plan to be able to save his brother, and also Walburga.

"So... I really wanted to speak with you, Mary"

Regulus recognized Pettigrew's voice. So he hid behind a pillar. The least he needed now was for Pettigrew to tell his brother he had been smoking. Regulus tried to wave the smell away.

"God, this vodka tastes like piss" Mary groaned.

"Have you ever tasted piss?"

"You have a general idea based of what it smells like"

Peter chuckled at that. They probably thought they were alone. And Regulus hated to be listening to their private conversation. But he didn't know what else to do.

"I think I am going to stop drinking just for drinking" Mary continued as she dropped her drink on a plant "See? I am a mature woman"

"What did that plant ever do to you?"

Regulus could hear the amusement in Peter's voice.

Mary snorted.

"So what did want to talk about?"

"Well... It is more of a question..."

Mary giggled.

"Okay?"

There was a minute of silence after that. And Regulus rolled his eyes, because fuck it. He knew were this conversation was heading towards to.

"Do you think we are great together?" Peter finally asked. After a pause, Regulus thought they would already be snogging.

"As friends?" Mary asked carefully.

Peter took a deep breath.

"No Mary... You know what I am talking about..."

Silence.

"No, Peter..."

Mary tried to stop him but he carried on.

"I mean we make sense together... Think about it..."

"No... No..."

"Yes  Mary. Yes!" Peter exclaimed "You know how I feel about you. Don't pretend you don't"

"We won't work"

"Why?? Because we are cliché? Because our friends are in couples already? Bullshit! Who cares?"

"It is not about that..."

"Mary, I love you..."

"No you don't..."

"Yes, I do!" Peter sounded desperate "How am I not supposed to feel this if we spend all the time together, you led me on..."

"No..." Mary answered "No, Peter. That's not..." she sighed "I care about you. I do... As a friend"

Regulus heard Peter sniffing and he knew he was crying. God, Regulus kind of felt sorry for him. From Sirius' friends, he was the least annoying.

"Of course... As a friend..." Peter spat.

"Peter... I am sorry..." And she did. She sounded genuinely sorry "Don't be sad..."

"You are probably rejecting me because I am not good enough..."

"No... No.. No... That's not true. I swear" Mary said "You are more than enough..."

"No..."

"Peter, you are amazing. You are good. You are incredible... And any girl would so lucky to be with you. But... But that's not me..."

"I love you..."

"I am not meant for this sort of thing..." Mary tried desperately "I don't know why I can't love you the way you want me to, really.... I don't know..."

"I love you, Mary" Peter sniffed again "God, I played this whole movie inside my head... I am so stupid"

"You are not stupid!" Mary begged, and Regulus could hear her voice breaking "I think I am not meant for love"

Regulus had never been in a situation like this. He hadn't even come near to have a girlfriend. Not like Sirius who found everyone fascinating. Not like Sirius that went around heating many girls' ears, fooling with them, joking around. Perhaps Lupin had been his first serious relationship. Regulus saw the way they looked at each other. It was attractive. It almost made Regulus want that with someone.

But Regulus understood what Mary was saying now. How she wasn't meant for love. Regulus wasn't either. Perhaps it had been the fact that he hadn't met someone he fancied yet, but the mere idea of going out with someone made him want to die. It was fun reading about romance, as long as it involved someone else.

"That's bullshit, Mary" Peter carried on taking Regulus out of his thoughts "I am pretty sure if it were someone else asking you out, you would say yes"

"No..."

"Like... Mulciber for example"

"I don't want anything to do with him"

"You went out on a date with him on Valentine's"

Mary was silent. Then she said in a whisper.

"That was a mistake"

But Peter was furious.

"If it were anyone else, you would say yes!" Peter cried again "But no, nobody wants dumb stupid Peter..."

"Peter, don't say that..."

"Come on, you dated James, you had a thing with Frank and then Mulciber....You even kissed Marlene's brother" Peter snorted "The real reason you don't want anything serious is because you want to fuck around with handsome boys... Not losers like me"

"Peter..."

"Everyone is right" he said "You are a whore, Mary!"

Regulus flinched as he heard the slap. It must've hurt.

"I'm sorry..." Peter cried harder this time.

"Peter, I love you. You are the best friend someone could have"

"I am gonna go..."

"Peter!"

"Leave me alone!"

Regulus heard Peter's steps drifting away and how she let out her breath and a few sobs. Regulus wished she would just go away and find comfort in some friend. Regulus had heard enough. And he hated people crying in front of him.

But Mary recomposed with a few sniffs and she said.

"I know you are here... I could smell the weed since we arrived"

Regulus closed his eyes in frustration. He wondered if he could escape. This was so embarrassing.

"Regulus..."

Shit. Regulus sighed as he came out of behind the pillar.

"How do you know it was me?"

Regulus tried to sound uninterested as always. Hands inside his pockets. Like he hadn't heard that intimate conversation of her.

"You and your weird friend are the ones who smoke weed around school"

Regulus nodded. Although he wanted to ask her if she could not tell Sirius. If Sirius didn't know already. He probably did.

"And I saw you hiding" Mary added.

"Okay..."

Mary was looking intensely at him. Regulus hated to be stared, so he looked at the floor.

"You heard all of it, right?"

"I was just there..." he pointed at his previous hiding spot "Of course I did"

Mary nodded looking sad.

"I didn't mean to... But... But I didn't know what to do... And you were being loud"

Regulus wished his cheeks weren't on fire. It happened when he spoke with people he didn't know well.

But Mary wasn't listening. She began crying right there in front of him. Her shoulders were shaking. And she wiped her nose with her sleeve. Under her hoodie she was wearing a small dress.

Regulus didn't know what to do. He cursed his bad luck.

"Do you think I am a whore too?"

"Ehh..."

"I mean just because a girl doesn't have a stable boyfriend... Doesn't mean she is indeed a whore..." Mary was sobbing harder "And I really love snogging boys... And mooree...." sniff sniff "But Peter... Peter is special. I didn't want to lose him, you know?"

Anyone. Literally anyone would be a better help for Mary right now. Regulus knew he was supposed to hold her, and tell her everything was okay, and probably tell her she wasn’t a whore. But he really didn't want to. Crying women reminded him of Walburga in her worse moments.

Regulus observed awkwardly as Mary stabled herself. And she calmed down.

"Sorry..." she said, wiping her tears "You probably don't care about this at all"

"No... I... I mean I do..."

Regulus was pathetic.

Mary sighed.

"I should've said yes" Mary added "To Peter I mean. He would be a wonderful boyfriend. The best boyfriend someone could have"

"Do you actually want to say yes?" Regulus found himself asking "Do you actually love him?"

Mary twisted her mouth. Her makeup was all ruined.

"I love him as a friend" she said "I love him so much but not like that"

"So why would you say yes?"

"I feel comfortable and incredible with Peter. More than I had ever felt with any boy" she explained "He treats better than anyone. And Peter is perfect, you know?" she swallowed "Any girl would be lucky to date him. Why couldn't that lucky girl be me?"

Mary sighed.

"I think Peter would love me properly"

"But you won't love him" Regulus answered.

"Does it matter?"

"I think it does" Regulus said.

Mary snorted, and something like a smile appeared on her face.

"Have you ever felt like you have to be in love because people around you fall in love and they look so happy that you wonder: 'Why not me?' But then you won't feel it? With anyone?"

Mary had just described what Regulus felt all the time. Regulus found romance stupid. But there was something attractive to the way couples were. Most of songs talked about it. Everyone was looking for it. But it resulted so easy for others. And then Regulus just didn't like anyone. Everyone was too short, too tall, too talkative, too quiet, too happy, too depressed, too stupid, too intelligent... Perhaps none of them were the problem. The problem was Regulus.

"I have felt that, actually"

Mary looked at him in a curious way. Regulus couldn't avoid blushing.

"Have you fancied anyone, Regulus?"

Regulus was going to lie. But he didn't find a point anymore. Not with Mary.

"No" he said.

Mary nodded. She didn't make fun of him, or tell him 'Oh you will find someone eventually'.

"All..." Regulus hated the way he sounded so he cleared his throat "All those boys... That you..."

Mary raised an eyebrow. Regulus carried on.

"Have you fancied any of them?"

Mary wasn't offended by that question. Everyone thought she was an easy girl. The rumors had been worse last term for what happened with Longbottom. But Regulus didn't think she was easy. Or at least he didn't care.

"I've fancied them" Mary answered "For a nice conversation. For really good sex..."

Regulus blushed with that word. And Mary noticed because she smiled.

"But not really, you know?" Mary continued "Not in a romantic way. I've never been in love.... And I don't think I will"

"Me neither"

Regulus realized what he confessed after he said it. But it was true.

They both looked at each other. Mary smiled. And Regulus forced himself to smile as well.

"I thought I was the only one" Mary giggled.

"Me too"

"So..." Mary smiled "Don't mind me asking. Have you snogged any girl?"

"No"

"Any boy?"

"That's not for me" Regulus answered annoyed.

"Okay..." Mary said "That's fine"

"Do you think I am weird?"

Mary snorted.

"I like snogging and sex... You probably like weed" she shrugged "I mean we all have our things"

Regulus found himself smiling.

"You are actually very cool, Regulus" Mary said with a smile "Not just my friend's weird little brother"

Speaking of which...

"Would you mind not telling Sirius about this?"

"About you smoking weed?"

"And the other thing too"

Mary nodded, she smiled again.

"Thank you"

Mary was cool. Perhaps they had that in common. The not dating part. But Sirius was different. Ever since he started dating Lupin he thought romance was the best thing ever. And he would never understand Regulus. He had been teasing him with Pandora. And Panda was just his friend. He didn't get it.

"Would you share some of that split with me?" Mary smiled raising an eyebrow.

Regulus shook his head. But he smiled.

"I could smoke more"

He turned on his unfinished split and took a drag passing it to Mary.

"So weird..." she tutted as she had a drag "I remember when you were such a cute baby in your first year and you followed Sirius around..."

"Oh shut up!" Regulus rolled his eyes.

Mary laughed. And her laugh, Regulus concluded, was beautiful and contagious.

[prince-rowan-of-the-forest]

Almost, A Light in the Dark

1 : Lure of The Light

"In almost any case, we embrace you," Virgil had said.

Roman knew he hadn't meant it like that, Virgil would never say something so cruel. That didn't mean he could stop thinking about it.

It didn't mean it wasn't true for the others, either.

----

A look into Roman's buildup to becoming a dark side in my Darkside!Roman AU

| AO3 | Next Part -> |

Warnings: Some self depreciation, please let me know if there's thing else

Pairings: Roceit (though it's only the buildup to romantic) creativitwins, Roman & Virgil

Word count: 7444 (first part)

Notes:

Second part coming out either later tonight or tomorrow :)

Hello hello, I wrote half of this entire thing yesterday, the other half had been sitting in my drafts for... like a month, lol.

I don't post that often about Darkside!Roman, but he's great and beautiful and I love him very much.

As a side note, none of the light sides are unsympathetic, because i don't think I could deal with writing that, I also couldn't write Roman and Virgil with a bad relationship, even if Virgil's comment inspired this, so there's a little salt there, but nowhere near as much as there is with Patton especially. haha.

“In almost any case we-”

Roman slammed his head onto his stack of papers, hoping that the impact would get that infuriating line out of his head, but he just couldn’t shake it.

The song they had sung during that stupid puppet episode had been bothering him almost constantly since. And why? Because they’d solved the issue! They’d gotten to vent about their issues a little- at least, Virgil and Patton had, all he’d done was insult the others and then have a bunch of assumptions made about him when he really hadn’t wanted to open up at all. But the only thing that mattered was that Thomas had felt better afterwards.

And what was the line that was bothering him? Of course, something that Virgil said. 

“You don’t need to save face, in almost any case we embrace you-”

There was a difference, Roman thought, between thinking someone’s love was conditional and hearing them say it outright.

He was sure Virgil hadn’t meant it like that. Surely he didn’t, and then they’d said that no-one hates him but- how could he be sure? And that’s how it started.

It had been months since then and Roman had just been getting worse, making mistake after mistake that he couldn’t fix. A little part of him felt like he was doing it purposefully. Making everything worse and worse, because what was that almost? What fell beyond the line of acceptance? Where were the boundaries?

After how many mistakes would they deem him unworthy of their love?

—-

The courtroom had been horrible. 

Roman had acted silly, making jokes and acting dumb and pretending to be fine whilst inside he was tearing himself apart. What decision could he make? Either way it wouldn’t end well. It was a decision between Patton and Deceit, or, more accurately, Patton and Thomas . He either kept Patton happy or gave Thomas- and by extension himself- something they wanted more than anything. But if he sided with Deceit then Patton would hate him and so would Virgil. 

The whole time he sat behind the judge’s bench, watching Deceit question Logan and Virgil and then practically interrogate Patton and then lecture Thomas, he couldn’t help but think he agreed. He agreed with the snake, and what could that mean? Did that make him bad? But Deceit was right . This whole argument was between something that Thomas wanted, really, really wanted, and something that wouldn’t make him feel good at all, though it would make him feel far less guilty, to be there for his friends when they invited Thomas in person too. Roman couldn’t understand why they couldn’t just… talk to Lee and Mary-Lee, it made no sense.

But even though Deceit was right, that going to the callback was the best choice and really, the one everyone but Patton actually wanted, Roman had still chosen to have Thomas go to the wedding. In the end, he couldn’t stand to lose Patton’s support and faith in him, even if it cost them their mental health. 

And cost him his mental health it had. 

As soon as the video was done, Roman had sunk out of his room and buried himself in his blankets. He peeked out, looking at the Hollywood posters- amongst all the Broadway and Disney- that were plastered to his walls. His eyes found the Alfred Hitchobolucus poster- for Psycho Godfather Wars- and his eyes welled up with tears. He really had cost them their chance to be on the silver screen, which, to quote Logan, statistically they will not get again.

Oh, what had he done.

—-

Roman didn’t come out of his room for three days after the courtroom. He knew the others were probably worried, but he couldn’t face them right now. He didn’t want to hear Patton tell him he had made the right choice when he hadn’t . He didn’t want to talk to Virgil and find out just how much he had fucked up and he definitely didn’t want to talk to Logan, who would just inform him that he’d made the wrong choice in a slightly different font. 

And he didn’t want to find out whether their conditional love had met its limits just yet. 

On the third day of his solitude, Roman was practically miserable. He’d been eating the snacks he kept in his room to eat while he worked- though he hadn’t done much of that- he had barely moved from his bed for more than to shower.

There was a knock on his door. Three knocks, actually, quick and sharp with the exact same amount of time between them. That wasn’t Patton, who always knocked a different pattern each time- he thought it was funny- it wasn’t Virgil, who always knocked quietly as if he was afraid the door would attack him if he hit it too hard. And it wasn’t Logan, who always knocks twice, evenly and much more gently. It couldn’t be his brother, because Remus had never knocked on a door in his life and why would Remus be coming to see him anyway, he was stuck over in the dark side. 

So that left…

“Go away, Deceit,” Roman called, his voice wavered- he really hoped the other side hadn’t noticed, “I don’t want to speak with you.”

His door opened anyway. Damn Deceit.

“Well I don’t want to speak with you  either, and this is not important at all.” Deceit said, standing in his doorway with a frown on his face. 

“What could you possibly want to talk to me about that’s so important,” Roman said, not looking up, “Go talk to someone else.”

“No,” Deceit said, walking in and closing the door behind him, the sound finally making Roman snap to attention, “It has to be you.”

“What? What is it then? Is this about the courtroom? Are you going to tell me I was stupid? That I made the wrong choice and all of this is my fault?” Roman asked, gripping the blankets in his fists, “You want to let me know that everyone’s decided I’m not worth it? That Thomas is suffering now because of me? Because, newsflash, I already know all that.”

Deceit was silent for a moment. Before he sighed and came closer, stopping at the edge of Roman’s bed.

“May I sit?”

“You may not.” Roman said harshly, he just wanted Deceit to leave, what the hell was this all about anyway?

“Alright,” Deceit nodded, staying where he was, “I definitely came here to tell you all of those things you listed, and definitely not to talk about the fact that everyone is worried about you.”

Roman laughed, almost hysterically, “I highly doubt that.”

“Why’s that?” Deceit asked, tilting his head, “They haven’t seen you since the courtroom.”

“So why are you here and not them?” Roman asked, wrapping his arms around himself, “If they really were worried about me, they’d have come to check on me.”

“They’re definitely not also recovering from the stress that your decision in the courtroom-”

“My decision? My decision? Like there was any real decision to be made,” Roman cried, throwing up his hands. He could feel the tears pooling in his eyes once more, “I made a mistake, I know I did, I was- I was selfish and look where that got me!”

Deceit’s brows furrowed, “What do you mean you were selfish, I thought you wanted to go to the callback? Sentencing Thomas to the wedding was definitely the most selfish thing you could have done.”

“It- it was selfish!” Roman said, rubbing forcefully at his eyes in an attempt to get rid of the tears, “If I had- had chosen the callback Patton and Virgil would’ve- they would’ve hated me for siding with you ! Even if it was the best choice for Thomas, I was- I chose to please Patton instead because I didn’t want to- to lose them. But hey, look at that, it’s still all fucked up. It was a lose-lose situation.”

“Hey, sweetheart, look at me,” Deceit said and Roman jumped, he had no idea Deceit could talk that softly. He looked up. 

“You definitely fucked everything up, alright?” Deceit said, reaching forward and, when Roman didn’t jerk away, wiping a tear from his cheek with a gloved finger. Roman was surprised that the fabric was so soft- Virgil had been sure they were washing up gloves. 

Deceit sighed, “Roman, sweetheart, I put you in a harmful position in that courtroom, I totally knew you had so much riding on it when I did so, all I considered was that you were most likely to side with me.”

“They hate you,” Roman said, voice smaller than even he’d ever heard it, “Especially Virgil, and Patton just thinks that you want to drive Thomas down the wrong path it’s just- I could see what you were trying to do, and- well I know what the right choice was, and now everyone is miserable because I made the wrong one.”

Deceit rolled his eyes, “Do you really think I care about them liking me? I should hope the amount of effort I put into playing the villain would work better than that.”

“It’s difficult to convince people to do something when they hate you,” Roman pointed out, sniffing. 

“Well that’s why I tried to get you on my side, isn’t it?” Deceit said with a smile, putting a hand on his hip, “You didn’t want to go to the callback as much as I did, and besides, you’ve been the least outwardly hateful to me out of all of you.”

“So you just wanted to use me?” Roman asked, eyes narrowing and hands once again gripping at the blankets. If only he was as smart as Logan or as suspicious as Virgil, then he might’ve noticed for goodness sake, he was so stupid, he’d let himself get used - there was a finger on his nose. His eyes widened, looking up at Deceit, who smiled softly and removed his hand.

“You got lost in your thoughts,” Deceit said by way of explanation, “And did I say that? No, I didn’t use you, only manipulated the circumstances for the highest chance of success.”

“But it still didn’t work.”

“Oh of course it all went according to plan,” Deceit chuckled, “But that’s only because I thought to account for extra variables.”

Roman hummed in agreement, pulling himself up to sit properly, he thought for a second, before sighing, “Hey, Deceit?”

“Yes, darling?” Deceit asked. Roman paused, Deceit knew a lot about philosophy and psychology too, like Logan did, he might help… but- oh, he didn’t want to make this any worse.

“Nevermind,” He sighs, “It was stupid, don’t worry.”

“Well now I’m definitely not going to worry,” Deceit huffed.

“It’s- really fine I just- was thinking about how the others never came to check on me…” Roman sighed, “It’s not like I locked myself in here to- test them - or something I just… I’m a little disappointed it was you, no offence.”

“Full offence taken,” Deceit said, “But it doesn’t make me wonder why you worry.”

“Oh well- I suppose-” Roman shook his head, “It’s because of a stupid offhanded thing Virgil said in a video a while ago, but, my brain won’t let it go no matter how silly it is to worry about.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it, really, it isn’t your problem to deal with,” Roman said firmly, “Why- actually why are you even still here? You told me they were worried- so…”

“Perhaps I was worried also,” Deceit shrugged, “But I won’t go if you want me to.”

“Yes I… think I’d like to be alone some more, but um- thank you, I suppose, for checking on me,” Roman offered a tentative smile, “Even though I was rude to you.”

“You had no right to be,” Deceit said with a shrug as he moved away from Roman’s bed and back towards the door, turning back just before stepping through, “Call on me if you need anything, alright?”

“I- um- will?” Roman said, though it was phrased more like a question, why had Deceit offered something like that? Did he… actually care? Surely not…

—-

Roman couldn’t believe he’d been knocked out for that whole episode.

He knew sulking in his room wasn’t going to actually achieve anything, but after his own brother had knocked him out on camera and made a complete fool of him to the audience, he thought it was a valid response.

Something had changed after the end of the filming for that episode, though Roman hadn’t stuck around long enough to find out what. He was sure the others would fill him in later, probably alongside chastising him for running off so quickly. Roman wasn’t scared of his brother, far from it, actually. He missed Remus, all of his whacky ideas and hilarious strangeness that the others would never see past his label as Intrusive Thoughts. What he was scared of, though was… 

Well if Remus was around, what if Roman faltered his persona? What if Patton saw through his act? Saw that he wasn’t quite the perfection he presented himself as? What if they saw Remus and saw him not as a separate side but as a fault of Roman? Roman didn’t want that for either of them.

And he couldn’t risk his facade cracking even a little. Not if he wanted to stay with his FamILY.

For now, though, he didn’t have time to worry about all that. He had to brother-proof his room, because if Remus was able to show himself to Thomas then that probably meant he could get into the light side’s mindscape too. Roman had to make sure his room was protected against his brother’s slime and grime.

Speaking of…

“Hey Ro!”

…Remus was hanging through a hole in the ceiling. Roman looked up and simply sighed, that would have to be fixed.

“Hello, brother,” Roman said, his voice full of salt, “What do you want? Come to knock me out again?”

“Nope!” Remus said, dropping down from the ceiling to crash on the ground, standing up slowly with a grin on his face, “Just wanted to say hi! It’s been a while, y’know?”

Roman paused, looking back at him, surprise probably etched across his face, “Really? And that’s all? No- trap? Or trick?”

Remus rolled his eyes, “Course not, just a reunion, I might’ve gotten something gross on my hands though.”

“Don’t touch me,” Roman said, narrowing his eyes, “But- alright, a reunion probably is in order,  I suppose.”

“Oh yay!” Remus cheered, “I thought you’d chase me out with a pitchfork as soon as I showed up!”

“I’m still considering it,” Roman snapped, “So don’t push it.”

“Ok Ok jeez,” Remus huffed, “I brought cake!”

Roman furrowed his brows, staring at Remus in suspicion, “Is it edible?”

“Dee made it, so, probably?” Remus said, summoning said cake into existence. It did look good, despite Roman’s hesitation, Remus barked out a laugh, “I’m not allowed in the kitchen.”

“Neither am I,” Roman said, allowing himself a small chuckle. Remus' laughter, when it was real, was contagious for Roman, he hated it, “But if someone else made it, then I- suppose it’s ok to eat?”

“Hurrah!” Remus cheered, pulling a knife out of thin air which Roman immediately snatched, “Hey!”

“Absolutely not, it’s probably infected with rabies or something,” Roman said, frowning, Remus pouted. 

Shaking his head, Roman took the cake and placed it down on his desk before summoning a knife of his own and cutting a large slice that Logan would definitely disapprove of. The cake was red velvet, Roman’s favourite. He wondered if it was Remus' favourite too, he found he couldn't remember.

Roman handed the first slice to Remus, knowing he wouldn’t bother with a plate and cutlery even if Roman put in the effort of summoning them. The sight of his brother stuffing his face with cake like that kid from Matilda made Roman chuckle as he cut his own piece. 

Once Remus was done licking the icing off of his fingers he immediately picked up the knife to cut himself another slice, making Roman laugh.

“You’re going to make yourself sick,” Roman said, Remus rolled his eyes, taking another bite of cake, "We really shouldn't eat too much."

“Wh’re’s t’e fun in’at,” He said though his mouthful, dropping crumbs everywhere, he swallowed, “C’mon Ro! Have fun! We don’t gotta tell anyone we ate the whole cake! You know you want to-”

Roman shook his head, though a smile was already taking over his face as he reached for the knife, “Fine, getting sick it is.”

“It’s not even that big of a cake,��� Remus said, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah well usually I wouldn’t get that much,” Roman huffs, “Not when everyone wants to share it.”

“Sharing’s for losers and nerds,” Remus waved him off.

“We’re sharing this cake right now?” Roman said, confused.

“We’re the exception,” Remus said, as if that was supposed to be obvious. Roman shrugged and took another bite of cake. 

—-

Remus dropped by much more often after that. 

Roman couldn’t deny that it was… nice, to see his brother again. Admittedly- though he wouldn’t tell the others- he had missed Remus since he was banished to the Darkness though he had forgotten quite how much. He was pretty certain by this point that Remus had missed him as well, it had been almost two months and Remus had kept showing up in his room, after all.

They didn’t sit in silence, because Remus didn’t do silence, but they sat in relative calm. Every now and then Remus would say something that would either make Roman laugh or recoil or reach over to smack Remus on the arm. Between those instances Remus would whistle or hum and occasionally make random noises. Roman found that while maybe it would be annoying in most other cases, it was actually pretty nice. Usually Roman would fill the quiet by singing, but it was nice to have it filled by someone else for once. 

“Hey, I heard the others were gonna do a movie night instead of going out,” Remus said, cutting off something else he was saying- he did that sometimes, got halfway through a sentence and then had another thought, “Are ya going?”

“I- didn’t even know, I suppose they thought I was too busy sulking,” Roman said, slowly, “Wait, how do you know?”

“Well! Now I can get into the light side’s space, I just thought I’d do a bit of eavesdropping!” Remus said with a shrug, “But yeah apparently it’s to do with that thing that happened yesterday.”

“With Rico?” Roman asked, cringing a little, he supposed that had been on all of their minds, and they’d decided not to go to that party only half an hour ago. That’s why Roman was in his room in the first place.

“Mhm,” Remus said, “I’m going, Dee isn’t- he said they wouldn’t want him! But! I stole his hat so he can be there in spirit!”

Remus grinned and produced Deceit’s hat with a flourish, Roman gasped.

“He never takes that off, does he? How did you get it?” Roman asked. Remus cackled.

“I did a sneaky!” he said, passing the hat to Roman, he took it with only slight hesitation.

“Well done,” Roman said with a smile.

Remus jumped up and offered Roman a hand, “Let’s go crash a movie night!”

Roman choked out a laugh, taking Remus’ hand and standing up himself, changing into his onesie as he did so, “Yes, lets.”

“Hell yeah!” Remus grinned, running out of the room with Roman following at a more sedated pace.

The others hadn’t invited him? Well, he and Virgil had been the most affected by the situation with Rico, so maybe the others had decided to leave him alone in case they upset him, but surely they would’ve at least offered? Had they forgotten him? Or deliberately left him out for some other reason?

The movie night was tense, just as everything else between them had been recently. Roman couldn’t help but think it was all his fault for making that decision back in the courtroom. And the wedding hadn’t even happened yet.

—-

“Heyyy Ro- huh?” Remus barged into his room unannounced again, probably through the hole in the ceiling that Roman hadn’t patched up yet. Roman couldn't actually see his brother, considering he was currently buried under a mound of blankets in an attempt to hide from this stupid mess he’d caused.

“Ro?” Remus said, closer now, he patted the top of the blankets, making Roman yelp in surprise- he had been holding his breath in an attempt to stop crying, “You ok in there? What’re you doing pretending to be a bedbug?”

“I- I’m not in the mood right now, Remus,” Roman choked out, he knew from experience that his brother was unlikely to listen, but at least he could say he tried now. He really didn’t want to talk to anyone at the moment.

“Ooooh you’re upset…” Remus said, and then he went silent for a minute and Roman thought that maybe he had actually left, if only he could be so lucky, “Ok, so I dunno how to deal with this,”

“J-just go away,” Roman mumbled. Maybe he wished he could cuddle up with Patton or listen to music with Virgil to make himself feel better, but that was pretty much out of the question now, so he just wanted to be alone. 

“No can do, bro,” Remus said, “But! I am gonna go get someone who actually can help, ‘kay?”

“Nooo,” Roman groaned. He was once again ignored.

“Good! Don’t go anywhere!” 

He heard Remus climb up into the ceiling and skitter off like a rat in the walls and Roman tried to pull himself together while he waited for whoever Remus was going to force into coming here. 

Only minutes later Roman heard the telltale swoosh that came with someone rising up in his room and then Remus was patting his blankets again.

“Hey Ro, I brought mental assistance,” He said in a tone that suggested that he was probably grinning. Great.

“I am hardly adequate ‘mental assistance’ Remus,” Oh, great, it was Deceit, “I expect Roman really wants to talk to me, of all sides.”

Damn right.

“Good!” Remus said, giggling, “Now I’m gonna go find Patton’s ‘sad times’ cookie stash and bring them back for us to eat, so you can make Roman feel better whilst I’m gone!”

And Remus disappeared into the ceiling again. Roman heard Deceit sigh.

“I don’t want to talk to you,” Roman said, trying to keep his voice steady.

“You think I don’t know that?” Deceit said, “Fortunately, Remus has assigned me to help you, which means if I don’t I’m going to wake up to him boiling mayonnaise or some other, similarly disgusting revenge, so I hope you understand why I must at least try.”

Roman couldn’t help the quiet laugh that forced its way out through the tears.

“May I sit with you?” Deceit asked, sounding a little closer than before. Roman paused, thinking, if he was lucky then maybe he could get a hug after all, even if it was from Deceit who, now that Roman thought about it, probably gave very good hugs considering he had six arms.

“I- sur- uh- okay,” Roman stammered, damnit. He’s supposed to be fearless and brave and powerful, brave people don’t cry about stupid shit.

He felt his bed dip where Deceit sat down next to him. 

“Thank you, sweetheart,” He said, in that stupidly soft tone that he had used just that one other time, “Could you come out from under the blankets?”

“I’m a- a mess,” Roman said, trying harder than he should have to to suppress the stutter in his voice.

“That’s not alright,” Deceit told him, “I live with Remus, my standards for what’s considered ‘mess’ are definitely not through the floor.”

Roman couldn’t help but laugh again, trying to wipe away the least of the tears before digging himself out of his blanket pile. When he looked up at Deceit he found his fellow side looking at him with a soft smile, as if seeing Roman in all of his teary glory and somehow made his day better. It sent a pang though his heart, he couldn’t remember the last time any of the others had looked at him like that.

“Hello, sweetheart,” Deceit said, still smiling, he reached for Roman’s face before hesitating at the last moment, he met Roman’s eyes, looking for a confirmation. Roman, in response and because his brain seemed to be struggling to form words at the moment, butted his face against Deceit’s outstretched hand like a cat looking for attention. It made Deceit chuckle and turn his hand to cup Roman’s face properly, thumb brushing away a tear from under his eye.

“Hey,” Roman choked out, unsure how to respond to this whole situation. It was strange, and the voice in his head was telling him to run far, far away from Deceit. Roman chose to ignore it, though, because the voice sounded suspiciously like Patton and Roman had decided recently that he… didn’t really trust Patton’s judgement so much anymore. He leaned into the hand, closing his eyes for a moment and basking in the comfort that one little touch gave him. 

He wasn’t touch starved, he couldn’t be- not with Remus for a brother- but he had definitely missed this kind of touch specifically. The kind that just felt safe .

“What’s gotten you all upset, hm?” Deceit asked, swiping his thumb back and forth across Roman’s cheek and oh, he wanted nothing more than to just melt into that touch and stay there forever.

“It’s stupid,” Roman mumbled, leaning into the hand on his face. 

“Everything that upsets you is stupid, darling,” Deceit told him, shaking his head. Roman sighed.

“They didn’t invite me to their movie night- or- movie day, I guess,” Roman said, before adding on, “Again.”

“Oh I see, Roman, sweetheart, that’s a completely unreasonable thing to be upset over,” Deceit told him, bringing up another hand so he could cup Roman’s face properly, “When did this start happening?”

“Uh- a few weeks ago… I think?” Roman said slowly, “It was- that time me and Remus stole your hat, was the first time.”

“Ah, I don’t remember,” Deceit nodded.

“And- and there’s been a few times I’ve- caught them, I guess- doing things together without me, too I just- I guess this time was-”

“It pushed you over the edge,” Deceit finished, “Don’t worry, I don’t understand.”

“I- thank you,” Roman muttered, leaning into Deceit’s hands.

“Is there anything that I can do to make you feel any better?” Deceit asked, still just as soft as he had been this whole time. 

“Could we… hug, maybe? If that isn’t too weird?” Roman asked after a second, hesitant. He wasn’t sure if Deceit would be ok with that, of course, after everything. Besides, it’s not like he was about to admit how badly he wanted it.

“Of course that’s too weird,” Deceit said, taking his hands away from Roman’s face only to open his arms in invitation, “Come here.”

Roman practically collapsed into the embrace, burying his face in Deceit’s shoulder. Part of him, a small part but still noticeable, was still screaming about how wrong, wrong, wrong this situation was but Roman stamped that small part of him down for now as he buried his face in the soft fabric of Deceit’s capelet. He felt Deceit’s arms wrap tightly around him, squeezing him tightly but not so tight that he felt he couldn’t breath. It was… amazing, possibly the best hug he’d ever gotten.

“You hug good,” Roman mumbled, when Deceit laughed he felt it. 

“I am absolutely not glad you think so,” Deceit told him, using another hand to brush through his hair. The touch almost made Roman shudder, “I perfected it with Remus.”

“Really?” Roman asked.

“Mhm,” Deceit hummed, “He likes to be squashed within an inch of his life.”

“Sounds accurate,” Roman said with a small chuckle of his own, “This is nice.”

“It’s slightly less squishy than I would hug Remus,” Deceit admitted, “I thought you might prefer not being suffocated.”

“Thank you, much appreciated.”

They were silent for a moment, Roman simply melting into the embrace he’d wanted for so long, strong arms holding him close, a hand in his hair. Roman found that he really didn’t have a problem with it being Deceit. 

“An idea,” Deceit said quietly, “How about, when Remus returns, we have our own movie night?”

“Here?” Roman asked, “I- uh- I don’t have a TV- and this space isn’t big enough for all three of us…”

“The imagination then?”

“I… don’t really have the energy to create us a space right now…” Roman said, face going red with embarrassment. He struggled to conjure when he was upset, he’d never told anyone that, though.

“That’s not alright, darling,” Deceit said, fingers threading through his hair, “If you’d like to have a movie night, we definitely won't be able to find a solution.”

“I… think I would like to do that,” Roman decided, just as the door slammed open.

“Wasssup fuckers!” Remus yelled, stopping in the doorway, “Oh, you two didn’t kill each other! Interesting. Gotta make notes on that social experiment…”

“Why-”

“It’s best not to question it,” Deceit cut him off, “Remus, don’t you think Patton will notice all those cookies are missing?”

Roman finally removed his face from Deceit’s shoulder to look up at his brother, who did in fact have his arms full of cookie packets.

“Ah, who cares?” Remus huffed, “So! What’re we doing?”

“A movie night, I believe,” Deceit answered.

“Oh great! Good thing I have all these cookies, then, huh?” Remus cackled, “Where are we going?”

“That’s what we were trying to figure out,” Roman said, finally pulling away from hug to simply sit on the bed, hands folded in his lap, “I don’t have a TV, the imagination doesn’t- eh- do what I want it to do when I’m upset, and the others are using the commons…”

“We could just use our commons,” Remus shrugged, “C’mon, let’s go!”

“Your commons, as in, the dark side’s mindscape?” Roman asked, raising an eyebrow.

“That’s what I said, isn’t it?” Remus tilted his head at Roman.

“But I can’t- go there!” Roman protested, “Isn’t it dangerous?”

Deceit shook his head, “It’s definitely as terrible down there as the others make it out to be. And while there are… others down there, they’ll definitely bother you if you’re with us.”

“Won’t I get trapped if I stay too long?” Roman asked, confused, isn’t that what happened? 

“Of course,” Deceit said, “It’s not like I control which sides can and can’t leave. You won’t be fine, I assure you.”

“...Alright then,” Roman said, giving in, “But if you betray me, I will slay you.”

—-

The dark side’s commons were not nearly as bad as Roman had expected them to be. Whilst, yes, they were dark and a little menacing, it was also far more… cosy, than he had expected. 

It was still a mirror of Thomas’ house, though there were bigger differences than the light sides had. In place of the blinds and window were large floor to ceiling bookshelves made from some dark wood. The kitchen cabinets seemed to be made from the same kind of wood, decorated with dark grey, giving it much more of a dark-cottage-in-the-woods feel rather than the more modern feel Thomas’ apartment had. 

Roman thought it was strange, how welcoming it was. There were spider webs in the shadowy corners, weird ornaments on the bookshelves- one being a severed hand- and a couple of weird stains in the carpet, but somehow none of that served to deter him from the space as a whole. 

After waving him over to the sofas, Deceit took a few bowls from the kitchen and placed them on the table to hold Remus’ acquired snacks. They had Roman pick the first film and then chose together for the second. By the third film though, most of the cookies had been eaten and Roman was feeling impossibly tired…

—-

Roman had woken up the next morning to a warmth he wasn’t used to. Remus was snoring, curled up against him on Roman’s left, whilst Deceit was curled up on his other side with one of his arms thrown over Roman’s shoulder.. It felt… protective, somehow, the way the pair had caged him in the middle. He thought maybe he should feel trapped or restricted by the pair, but he couldn’t help that he only thought it was nice.

While he sat there, staring at the blank TV in the semi-darkness of the dark-side’s commons, Roman wondered what time it was. Would Remus and Deceit wake up soon? Or would he have to get up and leave by himself? He really shouldn’t spend too much time down here after all, though Deceit had told him it would be safe, he… couldn’t help but still be suspicious.

He needn’t have worried, though, because Deceit woke up not minutes after him. He had insisted that Roman stay for breakfast before going back up. He’d made pancakes that were just as good as Patton’s had ever been- if not better.

When Roman got back to his room he discovered that his fingernails were painted red though he didn’t remember painting them. How strange.

—-

They started having movie nights down in the darkside’s common every few days. Most of the time it was just him, Remus and Deceit but sometimes Remy joined them as well. It turned out that Remy frequented the darkside’s commons much more often than the light side’s, since it was closer to the subconscious where he worked. Roman didn’t mind a fourth addition to their movie nights, it just meant more snacks.

And then, a month or so later, came the dreaded wedding.

Everyone knows what happened after that. 

Roman hadn’t wanted to show face in the first place. Maybe if he had skipped out on the video completely like Virgil had, or heck even somehow limited his participation like Logan had it would’ve been fine, but no, he just had to be there and Patton just had to keep forcing his standards and opinions on him and Thomas. And that was all without being asked for his own opinion.

When Patton had pushed him to answer and he’d eventually given in and tried to explain what he thought his ideas were immediately pushed away, dismissed as not good enough for the moral side because they weren’t exactly what he wanted to hear.

When Deceit replaced Logan, Roman noticed almost immediately. It was just like Deceit to go on a tangent, just rambling any semi related facts that he knew about… hypoxia? Of all things? And besides, Patton skipping Logan (which Roman thought was incredibly rude of him, even if he’d made the same joke earlier) had been the perfect opportunity for Deceit to take his place.

But Patton and Thomas hadn’t noticed, so Roman had just smiled a little and not said anything about it. Maybe he could give Deceit some pointers if he survived this. 

Briefly, Roman wondered if this might all just be his fault. What if it was his fault for pretending to be perfect when he obviously was anything but. He wondered if they saw through him, because this was his fault. Not even Thomas could deny that. Patton and Deceit arguing now was his fault, if only he could’ve priorititsed Thomas over himself. If only he had been able to sacrifice his pride. If only Patton could love the real him and not the perfect armour he had built for himself, now so scared to remove. Because they would hate him.

And then that whole fight sequence had made him feel even worse, because Roman couldn’t bring himself to side with Deceit like he wanted to, so badly and he was certain Deceit could tell if the way he continued to glance his way was anything to go by. He wasn’t brave enough to lose Patton’s approval, he wasn’t. 

Patton had been distraught afterwards, once he’d shrunk down from that giant frog form, Deceit had started lecturing him again, Logan came back, all whilst Roman was watching in a blur. He didn’t say much, in another world maybe he would have protested, tried to fight back against Deceit for Patton’s sake. All Roman wanted now was to be anywhere else but here. 

And then he’d opened his stupid mouth, asked Deceit what the hell they were supposed to do if they were to be selfish when selfishness had already cost him so much. Deceit had sighed.

“Going to the callback was one of the most selfless acts that I believe to be possible- Thomas lost a huge opportunity, not to mention a big hit to his mental health-” Roman tried to hide his flinch at Deceit’s words, “All he got out of it was a new high score in Word Crush.”

“I… know that.” Roman answered, trying to keep his tone even, “But- well- you know how that went for me better than anyone.”

“What d’you mean, Roman?” Patton asked, Roman panicked, glancing at Deceit who sighed and picked up where he’d left off, ignoring Patton and describing the wedding as a ‘net loss’, he talked with Thomas about they had to unlearn their biases about selfishness, all while Roman slipped back into the background, he couldn’t bring attention to himself, not right now. He could feel everything in him, welling up, and he knew that he’d either lash out or burst into tears the moment something happened now. He couldn’t help but wonder which would be worse. 

In another world maybe he would have lashed out already, argued with Deceit, questioned when it would be enough. But… Roman had learned, from the time after the courtroom, that Deceit wasn’t evil, he knew things that the others didn’t, that Deceit really wasn’t trying to drive them to ruin, that he really was trying to help . He knew that he really did care, even if he didn’t exactly show it in the most effective way. Deceit wasn’t the one who deserved to feel the brunt of his anger. 

Instead Patton asked, much calmer that Roman might have had he been inclined. Patton asked when it would be enough, when they could start helping others and putting more good into the world.

“But how can we trust you?” Patton cried, looking close to tears after Deceit had given his answer, Roman grimaced, surely he could see by now that Deceit was helping, surely he could see by now that Deceit wasn’t evil and wrong. 

“I don’t have a simple answer to that,” Deceit said with a sigh, Roman stared at him as he went to remove a glove, “But here’s a start…”

Roman watched as he pulled a glove off by a finger, even in all the time they’d spent together in the last few weeks Deceit had never once done that.

“My name… “ Deceit sighed, “My name is Janus.”

“Janus?” Patton asked, looking nervous. De- Janus looked over at him and Roman realised that he needed to say something anything-

“Janis? Like from Mean Girls?” Roman settled on, he wasn’t quite sure why, but it made the corner of Janus’ mouth twitch upwords slightly, so maybe it wasn’t terrible. 

Deceit stared at him for a second, “ No . Janus. With a ‘U’?”

“Oh! That makes much more sense, the two-faced god of doorways, it fits you,” Roman nodded approvingly, Deceit offered him the smallest of smiles and opened his mouth to respond before Patton cut him off before he’d started.

“Now Roman, there’s no need to be rude about it,” Patton said, his chastising tone grating on Roman’s mind to the point where it may as well be nails on a chalkboard, there was that anger again, bubbling and boiling up from where he’d tried to bury it under shed tears and fake, perfect smiles, “Let’s be nice, alright kiddo?”

“I wasn’t.” Roman said, trying to take a deep breath, keep it cool, they can get through this, “Being rude, that is.”

“Then maybe you should watch your tone a little,” Patton said in that same soft tone that made Roman feel like prey trapped by predator, trapped, doomed to fail no matter what he said or did, Patton would always win, “ Janus chose to be vulnerable with us and we should respect that.”

“I know !” Roman cried, and maybe it was an overreaction to such a little thing, maybe he should just apologise for something he hadn’t done and get Patton off of his back, but it also could have been possible that this instance wasn’t the only thing he was referencing, “I know! Ok, I get it, you don’t have to- to keep telling me! I get it!”

“Roman, kiddo-”

“I am not -” Roman said, before taking a breath, it didn’t do much to quell the fire in his chest, “I was there! Patton! All of this, surprise surprise, I just watched it happen just like you did! I wasn’t insulting him.”

“Well then maybe you should apologise, because it certainly seemed that way to me,” Patton said, that smile still plastered on his face. Roman didn’t have a choice, he had to do what Patton said- if he didn’t then- well then maybe he would find that line Virgil had set down all that time ago. Roman thought he didn’t have a choice, but when he glanced back at Deceit, who was watching him with his face etched with worry, Roman thought that maybe he did. He would just have to trust that Deceit would catch him when he inevitable fell.

“No.” Roman said, clenching his fists, though his hands were shaking.

“No?” Patton asked, seeming just as surprised, Thomas looked between them, eyes wide, “What do you mean? Surely-”

“I mean no ,” Roman said, glaring now, all of the anger and sadness he had pushed down and down was bubbling up again, “I will not apologise for something that I did not do, I’m done, ok? You hear me? I’m done fearing the choices I want to make, I’m done weighing your approval against what’s right ! I’m done choosing one over the other.”

Roman was breathing heavily now, hands shaking, Patton frowned at him.

“What do you mean? We’ve made the right choices, you chose in the courtroom-”

“I didn’t choose shit! ” Roman yelled, and he felt like something had snapped in his armour, and from it emerged the dark, ugly thing he had built it to contain, “There was nothing to choose! If I had made the right choice you would have hated me for siding with Janus, you would have- I- I would have lost everything ! But- but I don’t care , anymore, because- because I can’t take it, being perfect for you, making choices for you only to be pushed down even more because that choice ended up being the wrong one over, and over again! It’s so hard , and I’m done. I won’t do it anymore! I’m done doing what you think is right. I’m done trying to be the Perfect Prince you want me to be, I can’t do it anymore..”

“Roman-” Thomas started, but Roman turned on him, anger fading immediately when He saw Thomas’ expression, all that was left was this pulling sense of sadness that seemed to drag at him when he moved. He’d just lashed out, shown them all that he wasn’t the perfect persona he tried to put on. There was no way he could redeem this now.

And part of him didn’t want to, because it had felt… good. To finally let it all out. He didn’t want to go back to the porcelain white armour casing he’d been living in for who knows how long. 

“I’m supposed to be your hero Thomas, but I’m not,” Roman said, feeling defeated and out of breath, there were tears already spilling over his cheeks, but he ignored them, “I’m not a perfect Disney Prince, I’m not brave, I’m not selfless and I’m certainly not kind, I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you all wanted me to be.”

And then he sank out, not waiting for a response before leaving them all standing in Thomas’ living room, stunned to silence.

| Next part -> |

[ilikelookingatthings]

I like you bringing this up. Adrien is very much a understanding character. but people often forget that Adrien also has very strict lines he dislikes being crossed when it comes to treatment. When he feels someone is completely disregarding his feelings and opinions out of hand...he can be very understanding if someone chooses a different route than he advised or has different opinions but he HATES when someone dismisses his thoughts or that he SHOULD be considered at all out of hand.

In glacatiour him snapping wasn't about feeling entitled about LB showing up...he snapped at her because he was projecting his frustration about his dad canceling his outings with his friends (when that would obviously upset him), didn't bother showing up for the meal/didn't give Adrien an opportunity to argue or express how that's not fair and then expected Adrien to just practice piano like a good boy. Expected that Adrien would act in the way most convenient for what Gabe wanted when it was clear Adrien would have been upset at the whole scenario...so Adrien rebelled and left to set up the rooftop outing early since Adrien couldn't go to his friends since if he was caught it could make things more difficult in the future.

He was clearly not pissed about LB not showing when he talked to Marinette...he wasn't that happy about it of course but he expressed himself to Mari and wasn't really pissed....he only showed annoyance at LB because LB not showing up reminded him of his dad when she expected him to be completely in Akuma mode and she didn't mention and the meetup(which we know is because she is Marinette and just discussed it with him... so it's not in her mind to think about how not mentioning it at all would look to chat as LB). and because they often can't always talk after Akuma attacks due to the beeps.... Adrien felt like he had to defend the right for his feelings to not match what's convenient for LB because he didn't get the opportunity to defend that right to his dad.... which wasn't helped by the fact LB brought up the idea to pretend to be Lovey Dovey. A admittedly good plan...but also very much an insensitive one because his feelings ARE real, and he just expressed frustration at her and her bringing up that as a idea showed she wasn't thinking about his feelings and expecting him to just go along with what she found most convenient.

He only calmed down when LB apologized and validated his right to feel negatively...which allowed him to not need to validate his own feelings where he immediately agreed to the plan and admitted she wasn't in the wrong for not showing up...as tat when he stopped projecting his situation with his dad onto her.....as after all she only gave him a tentative maybe and she wasn't wrong for focusing on the akuma...but she showed she was willing to listen...and he was pretty content when she actually thought about his words/feelings even if her honest answer was turning him down. but what had trigged him was the perceived idea of her assuming how he's act would be in the way most convenient for her despite all the signs that shouldn't be the case.

...even more when WE know Mari DID actually find out his feelings were sincere like 3 minutes before the attack and that he had personally invited her which she had forgotten due to her sulking about how she had lashed out due to taking it personally about Adrien being unable to show up even though she had never expressed to Adrien that she had been looking forward to his company in particular and hadn't personally invited him and she knew he couldn't go due to his dad...Where Mari really should have known better than to have the lovey Dovey plan and how Mari's weakness is tunnel vision when she has a goal and losing site of other people's feelings.

In Siren people often judge Adrien harshly for almost giving up his miraculous during the fight due to being upset about not meeting master fu and LB not taking him...and while poorly timed it was....it did show Adrien's pet peeve was being dismissed out of hand and how Adrien had a standard for his treatment....Adrien had showed to be very trusting and open to side heros and the idea of master fueven though he hadn't met him himself and they had been fighting without fu's input uptil now...but Adrien had gotten upset because LB had dismissed the idea of him getting to go with to see master fu and when he asked her to bring it up she had seemed kindof reluctant...we know mari HAD brought it up to fu later like he had asked...but tone wise Mari had given off the impression tht he was being unreasonable for asking even though he was being expected to trust this stranger all of a sudden and him being left out of the loop....

Where it was revealed this one-sidedness HAD been bothering him(probably since collector when LB randomly brought up the idea his dad was hawkmoth out of the blue) even if he hadn't brought it up much until this one-sidedness really got on his nerves in siren...which makes sense...this is a voluntary position...uptil then LB and him had been equals on information and he was being shut out and expected to just go along with it.....which considering his dynamic at home where people often kept stuff from him which were important for 'his own good' even though he was very involved and people often make excuses...I thought Adrien having a hard line for treatment as a hero made alot of sense. where he calmed down due to Plagg but mostly due to fu actually showing up and validating Adrien was RIGHT in that he deserved to know/be included and it showed LB HAD actually told fu even though it had seemed like she might forget or hold back on it.

Adrien isn't naive about poor treatment and the slippery slope if you let people get away with it too much. Adrien very much knows his dad is paranoid and controlling and distant due to fear and grief due to the missing mom.....Adrien understands where Gabe's reactions come from....but he also doesn't lie to himself about how it doesn't mean Adrien should have to put up with it and he knows his dad is in the wrong...but Adrien also can't do much about it(aside from running off to make a point on occasion). So him keeping an eye out and being firm when he noticed the potential in him being kept out of the loop for no understandable reason was another example of a consistent pet peeve.

Adrien snapped at Chloe when Chloe had planned to pin Mari for pulling the fire alarm...and while that was Adrien defending his friend and what was right...what REALLY made him snap enough he said he'd stop being Chloe's friend was when he expressed Chloe shouldn't do that and Chloe blatantly said she was going to disregard what he said out of hand.

other examples are when his dad is being unreasonable. Like not letting Adrien go to the fieldtrip to London, or not letting Adrien go see his mom's movie in theaters, or not going to school, or when his dad wasn't coming down for too long on the first Christmas without his mom. Adrien would be firm in how in was unreasonable and sneak on the train, sneak off to the theater, run off to school multiple times and ran off during Christmas where he almost cataclysmed the tree at feeling dismissed.

and of course in Catwalker Adrien's major issue isn't about his romantic feelings...its that when he offered help that didn't cross any lines where he was just going to help pick up some miraculi from the side heroes that she knows that chat knows since her beeper made her short on time...LB dismissed it and when he asked why...instead of giving him a real answer...she snapped at him and acted like he was being unreasonable/childish and ridiculous to try to end the subject sooner even though they BOTH know that wasn't the case and how she used his feelings to dismiss his sincere offer of help even though his flirt earlier wasn't about him liking her and was actually him using something familiar to their banter to try to pretend their dynamic wasn't as shaky and he knows it was. Where he got so upset he gave up his miraculous and said so to her face even if she ran off not realizing what she had just greenlit. where plagg and chat relied on his pretending to be someone else(catwalker) despite him feeling wronged because Adrien DOES se not just being chat but his crush on LB to distract himself from his other problems and it was similar to pretend...and Adrien was trying to get past how he had a build up insecurity from trying his best to make it to Akuma attacks but not being able to no matter how hard he tried and being used less without understanding why which he had hidden from LB due to knowing she was going through alot...where he really only calmed down when he decided to focus on LB's feelings and pressure she was under and how its not personal on LB's part.

and we had seen his growing concern over her inconsistency about the rules where plagg had told him to not address it(probably due to plagg's not so subtle baggage when it comes to guardians) after rocketeer when Nino told civilian Adrien his and Alya's identities and seemed sure LB wouldn't mind/it wasn't a big deal even though chat had previously bared his emotions to LB at the end of scarabella...where it turned out he was understanding about her telling her identity and giving her miraculous to someone else...but he was GENUINELY really upset about how LB didn't give him the courtesy of a message or a heads up about it despite the fact she knows about Senti monsters and she had never had a replacement before...where he made himself calm down by the time he faced her in person.

Adrien didn't like when Nino dismissed his advice about the situation with Alya and how Nino was wrong out of hand either.

And we have seen Adrien clap back at Chloe from time to time when she doesn't pick up the hints he drops about her behavior(like origin).

Even his snapping at Lila is when lines of respect were crossed with Lila deliberately crossing them when she got Kagami akumatized after visiting his house and getting his bodyguard and Nathalie in trouble. and when he saw the maliciousness in her trying to trick chat away from LB during battle by pretending to be hurt.

Even with Felix...Adrien was pretty mature and understanding of Felix's emotions and him acting out but didn't just forgive him. Adrien took a stance that Felix's behavior toward his friends were acceptable. and did take some glee messing with felix a bit as chat during punisher..

What draws him closer to Marinette a lot of the times is he feels like she listens and validates how he feels(like in the Newyork special when Mari as the only one to really stand up and agree he had the right to want to go on the Newyork fieldtrip). but he also isn't aware alot of the time Mari has a bias due to her crush and he doesn't realize its him opening up first on his own.

Adrien is clearly very understanding that people don't always act great and that people often act off in the heat of their emotions if they don't have healthier alternatives or might not know how to handle their feelings in better ways. Chloe acting like her mom in a bid to gain her affection and cheating like her dad makes seem okay because on the surface they seem successful. and how Chloe genuinely hadn't realized how bad her actions were in antibug and wasn't actually lying about it. He knows his dad is grieving and is over compensating with control and distance due to fear of loss even if adrien knows his dad is paranoid and wrong. Adrien understood Marinette jumping to conclusions when they first met and accusing him falsely of the gum incident was due to her history with chloe and the situation not looking good from the little Marinette had seen....and adrein was vulnerable in telling this person who had shouted at him that he hadn't done the gum incident while also not invalidating Mari for assuming the worse due her history with chloe who he just found out has been acting like a jerk.

With Felix everyone assumed adrien was naive and unaware about felix being a jerk only for it to turn out Adrien WAS aware that felix was acting out and adrien both knew not to take it personally becuase it wasn't actually adrien's fault but also let felix vent because Felix was hurting ad didn't know how to express that properly and adrien was a easy target...adrien understood when people are hurting they lash out...while adrien put a foot down when felix hurt and got his frields akumatized and made sure felix understood that was NOT excusable behaviour...Adrien was still pretty mature about felix lashing out and not taking it personally and still protecting felix and offer if felix ever needed to call that adrien would be there after felix expressed remorse and that he would do better(even if taht remorse was false and just to get adrien to lower his guard so GABRIEL would lower his guard to steal the ring).

especially when contrasting how despite the friends know Adrien was going to have a terrible day with it being the anniversary of his mom's disappearance and being stuck with his emotionally distant father all day....even if that video wasn't actually Adrien...they didn't consider that Adrien didn't actually mean it or was lashing out due to having a hard time despite the video being out of character even though plenty of them have acted out toward others sometimes when they are feelings upset...and wanted to punish Adrien or put into question their friendship and Adrien's character immediately.

and even with Lila...Adrien's observation that someone lying could be doing it for attention and that trying to confront her the way Mari was doing would make Lila feel defensive and even if she was outed the way Mari wanted then what? would making Lila defensive and the rest of the class made at her fix the situation? No! Adrien understood it could push Lila further into darkness and that Mari would be a target...so advised that Mari not make herself a target and that Lila's lies would out themselves if Mari didn't push...which showed Adrien could look at things through Lila's point of view without assume lila was entirely bad until later when Lila actually started REALLY crossing lines....like how Lila got Nathalie and gorilla in trouble and tried messing with Kagami and had actively tried to lure chat away from LB during battle by pretending to be hurt. or when Lila tried to lie Mari out of the school. Adrien was understanding till lines were crossed where Lila disregarded Adrien saying Lila could actually try to be truthful and try to get along and she'd be accepted and where Lila actually tried hurting others...Adrien actively showing his no nonsense side of himself to Lila.

He disliked it when Ladybug dismissed him saying that the Santa wasn't an Akuma in the Christmas special as another minor example.

And we saw Adrien express how unhappy he was when his dad lied about what a commercial was for to get Adrien to model for it when it was clearly something bad that Adrien wouldn't have agreed to model for...and his dad knew that and just didn't tell him/lied.

and your right...we never DID see Adrien's reaction to how LB/Mari had lied about her motive in empherial and had planned to trick him out of his identity and tell Su-han without his permission while thinking if she DID tell chat the truth that chat would have refused to give his identity...with her plan to reverse time so chat wouldn't even know he told his identity to her while using what she felt he wanted to hear...and how despite her believing in safety...her admitting her identity because he turned out to be her crush where she never owned up to lying.

Adrien tends to believe Mari is fair and responsible...and that her decisions aren't that personal based and that she always means well...but in fact Mari is VERY much driven by her emotions and prone to being bias.

and your right Mari has ALOT of parallels to Gabriel that the show doesn't address enough...especially Mari's habit of deciding for other people alot of stuff while not being the best listener. Being a fixer type of person.....often putting other people's emotions on the subject as secondary to her goals/her own emotions on the subject until things blow up in her face or there is a significant lul which allowed something she missed due to disregarding how someone else feelings about a subject coming up.

Adrien is very understanding, and he already likes Marinette and ladybug twice over...and he knows if she messes up that she generally means well and will make up for if she makes a mistake....so there IS a chance that he could let it slide if mari is apologetic and realizes where she messed up since Adrien appreciates someone willing to be better.

But we ALSO know Adrien has a firm line and while forgiving and understanding alot of the time. He can also be firmer about certain boundaries similar to Kagami...everyone acts like Adrien has no spine and that he hesitates too much....but in fact Adrien has some strong similarities to Kagami where he can actually be pretty firm about his emotions on a subject when a lines has been crossed even if Adrien tends to be a bit more tactful about it and a bit more patient that Kagami most of the time....

I keep thinking about how alot of Adrien's friends and even Mari often see Adrien as some damsel in distress....that he must be protected and that he's naive....and how the people in Adrien's life tries to keep important information from Adrien under the guise of being for his own good...or assuming Adrien is too emotional/dramatic and that he doesn't understand other people(looking at you Mr luka-oh-adrien-is-so-surrounded-by-love-he-can't-figure-out-if-its-romantic/how he feels!).

When we know Adrien was stand up for his own feelings and what was right even before Plagg got involved in origins.

even more when as much as Mari is generally a good person and Adrien likes her and he has a fairly accurate view of her....Adrien often assumes the best of Marinette while WE know alot of Mari's first motives are selfish/self-serving ones where we tend to forget her original motive since a better motive comes along to cover it up...As much as Adrien feels comfortable and opens up to Mari by himself....Adrien ISN'T aware Mari had Adrien on a pedestal for a long time and as much as they say Mari like chat now. She hasn't ACTUALLY thought about civilian chat or put herself in his shoes when it comes to feelings...

...like I keep thinking about how in the New York special how touched he was that Mari validated his right to want to go on the trip...but how he isn't aware Mari's initial reason was due to not wanting him alone with Lila and due to her own crush on him(even if she was trying to be in denial)...hence why later when his dad wanted Adrien to leave New York...Adrien put weight on if Mari wanted him to stay or validate him coming again...which Mari did not due...both due to underestimating the effect she has on him and her shock due to chat leaving and how her initial reasoning had been HER based...not REALLY about his feelings even if that became a secondary reason.

and how Adrien isn't aware Mari often acted on her jealousy/possessive feelings at times despite telling him she wasn't interested to his face...even if Mari has improved her view on Adrien...we don't really see a moment where she REALLY realizes how she was acting was wrong, crosses boundaries and could hurt Adrien. Or how she teamed up with Chloe against Kagami before and got away with it or had initially been mean and a bit of a snoop to kagami on friendship day even if their friendship did eventually work out.

Considering he had told Mari about how his mom had gotten sick and they tried to pretend like she was fine infront of him despite him having eyes and her just 'disappearing'...and now the context his mom was in a coma and his dad was trying to save her but had left Adrien unaware of this through the show...and how Adrien is a senti-being....his mom got sick due to creating him and his dad ended up dying doing the wish anyway when what adrien wanted was to be there for him...

what if Adrien brought up why didn't it occur to LB/Mari to get the guardians to see if they could help without the wish getting involved...or how she didn't tell him about him being a sent-being like he couldn't handle it even though it would explain the times he couldn't go against his dad not being a personality issue!

Adrien ended up doubting himself which really made me think of the New York special and how Adrien was really confident in himself there and tends to be the most patient and understanding bounce back character in the show but Adrien ended up believing him wanting to be selfish 'go on the trip' was wrong due to his dad but also in how things blue up and escalated and Mari/Ladybug got him back...but hadn't actually addressed where those emotions from him were coming from and how Mari had un-intentionally backed up Gabriel's words.

It gets even more interesting theme wise once you've noticed that the kwami's have issues when it comes to treatment from the guardians (who tend to lock the miraculous away) and how shocked plagg was about Adrien expecting certain treatment and how understanding Adrien was toward plagg...and how the kwami's reacted to Mari letting them wander around her room.

and what with Adrien being made...and the initial childhood wish...which the fandom often interprets negatively...but I think points to the fact all Adrien had to do to be loved was be his families son...and how Adrien and his family are kind of bad at SHOWING him that care much like how Mari underestimates the importance of letting him know how important he is(like how Mari forgot to tell him during Emphereal when he missed an entire attack for the first time where she had intended to roast him and get him to try harder to show up...but she got distracted by her plan to get around his consent on his identity and then the side effects from the time powers...where SHE came to the conclusion of defending him to Su-han but she never got any of his importance across to chat despite agreeing with su-han about his importance).

Mari decided to keep the fact his dad was hawkmoth from him despite how it tied directly into Nathalie's health issues and his mom...let alone her keeping it from him as chat...let alone the sent being factor and him not understanding the importance of the ring and how we know Adrien ISN'T blind to how his dad sucks, but she is letting him believe a scenario.

My worry is will he think he's in the wrong for not forgiving her and that he should be more understanding when he knows she means well and that she struggles with difficult topics? and this is a difficult topic?

would the show frame him as being in the wrong if he's not okay with this? We saw him put his hurt aside in catwalker because he values her and was reminded, she is dealing with a lot.

Personally, I'm even more worried about what if Adrien tries to use the wish to save his loved ones by using his existence as collateral?

Will Mari have to face the dilemma of does she respect his wishes or try to get him back against his wishes like hawkmoth because SHE loves him?

Would Adrien find a way around the situation without the wish?

Would her actions and her being LB make him doubt her feelings for him because he knows she meant it when she wasn't interested in him those other times? Would Mari avoid Adrien like she tends to do with harsh conversations like how she handled Luka? Since Mari never had the growth of going for Adrien and confessing her feelings since Andre the ice cream man stole the moment and Adrien made the first move again?

Would the show actually Adress how Mari had treated Adrien as a love interest first and a friend second and like he was a celebrity crush (even if it was due to fearing vulnerability herself which Adrien is understanding towards?).

Honestly, I almost wonder if Kagami will spill the beans since this IS a important subject at least about the senti-being aspect and Adrien might piece things together from the clues.

On one hand I DO think a breakup would work since trust is important and Adrien has learned that to make people take his feelings seriously, he often has to run away or make a scene of some kind.....on the other Adrien does like her twice over and he can be VERY understanding, and he's lost so much...so WOULD he actually do a breakup?

I think it certainly would be shocking and would make ALOT of sense if he did if his trust was breached like that when a major reason, he was drawn to civilian Mari in particular is he thinks Mari listens to him and respects his feelings. Mari letting him believe the lies not just as Adrien and his girlfriend but as chat with LB could have him unable to dismiss the pattern with how other people, he trusts keeps important info from him...saying is for his own good when it's really about their own feelings on the subject.... considering even Felix falsely believes Adrien is to nice and naive and Adrien knows he cataclysmed his dad as chat....

It could go so many ways.... especially when the show tends to have Adrien keep his feelings close to his chest until he blows up about it...where the signs were there but we often miss the buildup and that unlike Mari...despite how open Adrien appears he is actually good at hiding certain feelings.

I think it could get even more interesting consider how big a role Mari plays in the friend group...it's not like Adrien doesn't have friends but most of the girls treated Adrien as Mari's love interest first and for most. Even Nino tends to put Mari's feelings on the matter first. and Felix kind of proved Adrien doesn't have that strong of a bond with his friends.

I feel like your right the show tends to dehumanize Adrien the most sometimes...but I actually think we see they are actually pretty consistent in a build up for Adrien that Mari(and most of the fandom/audience in turn) don't notice......

Which could leave a much bigger impact BECAUSE Adrien tends to be so understanding and is usually bias in her favor...if the show REALLY sits in his feelings and where Mari was wrong in this where Adrien ISN'T being unreasonable about his feelings and right to feel the way he does...after all the other times if the show shifting away or trying to draw attention from Adrien's feelings on the matter or having us assume he'd only ever be happy with a reveal and understand/support her choices entirely....what if they are building to a scenario where he is upset with her?

Where then Mari has to face.... does she work to earn back his trust or does she let the situation sit and wallow since her biggest weakness in being unable to say the right things when its needed most of the time...especially the more she cares.

I feel like the fandom is ignoring the fact that Adrien is under no obligation to forgive Marinette.

Regardless of her reasons for lying to him what the finale establishes is that Marinette as a character is not trustworthy to Adrien specifically.

In that Adrien trusted her and she failed. Not failed to defeat Monarch but, much more importantly, failed his trust in her.

To the point where the best thing Adrien's narrative can do for his character is break up with her.

The writers established so many parallels between Marinette and Gabriel that at this point Adrien extending forgiveness wouldn't be a sign of his own development as a person but a return to his fawning trauma response.

Said parallels ignorantly reinforced by the writers constantly forcing Adrien to put aside his own needs and emotions in favor of supporting his "partner". (Syren, Kuro Neko, Risk)

Support the writers never allow Marinette to return.

So yeah, I think they should break up.

I'm so serious.

Ephemeral's whole premise is Marinette taking advantage of Adrien's trust in order to learn his identity so she can tell it to Su Han.

Catwalker is literally just Adrien fawning in a vain attempt to be trustworthy. The inciting incident being Ladybug not trusting Chat Noir when he asks to take on more responsibilities. Kuro Neko ending with nothing resolved and the idea that Adrien as a hero is superfluous reinforced in his head.

It's not just Marinette's pattern of behavior that contributes to this.

Adrien's relationships with those around him are frayed specifically because of the Guardians' rules. He values Ladybug's trust in him so much that Adrien is willing to hurt himself to follow what is expected of him as the holder of the Black Cat Miraculous.

But no one else is.

I mean that from a writing perspective not a character one.

Nino and Alya are revealed to each other due to necessity. Marinette breaks down and reveals herself to Alya.

And Adrien is still alone. Still expected to follow the rules that keep him isolated from his meager support network. Still expected to just be okay.

He has a girlfriend now! That means everything is fixed! No need to worry about his best friend calling him annoying to his face!

It's long been a fandom theory that Marinette doesn't see Chat Noir as "real".

And this is reinforced several times when she learns that Chat Noir found out something she kept from him, apologized, and then... changed nothing about how they function as a "team".

After meeting Scarabella and learning that someone knows Ladybug's identity Adrien is mad sure. But he goes right back to fawning. To saying that "it's okay" because he has so little self worth. Because the writers reinforced the fact that he is unnecessary.

And that's because the writers don't see Adrien as his own character. Don't see him as a "human" character least of all after literally dehumanizing him.

[leliest]

I have ideas but no writing skills

You've read it. I just more or less accidentally created an o/c which I'd love to write stories about but don't have the guts or skills to do it. And as our fandom includes quite a few talented writers (a "few") I assumed someone else might be short of ideas and like what I've come up with.

How about we make the Holmesian family issues even more confusing by adding a younger cousin to the mix? A witty and deadly sarcastic girl gifted with at least parts of the brains Sherlock's bunch possesses. Though not just as smart as them she's certainly better in the emotional department. Her last name is "Holm" because her parents moved to Germany when she was younger and since the locals kept pronouncing their name incorrectly they eventually changed it to something more German-friendly. Her first name could be something like Ida, or maybe anything equally unusual as Mycroft. With her in the picture, we also have all four of the Anemoi (greek gods) Eurus refers to. She just shows up one day and is instantly annoyed by all the shit going on between Sherlock, John and basically everyone. Did I mention her hero complex? She feels very obligated to fix every issue regarding her cousins. Ida is also convinced that Sherlock and John should've started dating years ago, so she struggles to accept Mary's (luckily rather short) existence. Though she really likes her as a person, just not as John's wife. Certainly a mirror of most Johnlock-shippers. And, like every proper Holmes, she has a knack for the dramatic. Maybe she turns up shortly after Sherlock's death and tries to drop John hints, or she decides to put matters into her own hands and help Sherlock with his return.

Here I'd imagine her with Mycroft and Sherlock in one of the first scenes in Many Happy Returns, the one right before Sherlock crashes John's proposal. I'd like to think she's cheeky enough to convince him not to just run in there and ruin the evening from a safe distance instead. She'd set up the whole thing to somehow destroy John's relationship with Mary, because, as she tells herself, it's not love but the desperate need for normalcy for both of them. And because she's been watching (over) John for the past two years as Sherlock wanted her to she also knows about Mary's past. So she'd have somehow gathered files on all that assassin business and now plans to "present" them to John - on the evening of his proposal. I can certainly see her dressing up as a waiter to spill wine or something on Mary, or even drop the plates, or pull off the tablecloth just to make Morstan leave the table (without John). Maybe she's previously put the assassin files under the menu so she can "get John another" of the soaked menus, which would then, of course, lead to John seeing the files on Mary. In short, Ida would do her very best to ruin the evening and destroy John's trust in Mary. I think she'd even go as far as to talk to a resigned John outside the restaurant afterwards, pretending to be some stranger. Maybe that scene would go something like this:

"Had a rough night?" A slender woman approached the man, curiously eyeing the dark figure on the bench. He just sighed and stared at the bottle of expensive wine in his hands. He had left money for it on the table; if it was enough he didn't know. "Care to talk about it?" He scoffed, still not looking up, "Not really, no." "Talking helps, you know?" He knew. His therapist had told him a million times, she'd talked about how he needed to open up to someone if he wanted to let go, but he didn't want to. Still, right now he felt the sudden urge to talk. Just talk about every little mistake in his life, talk to this random person for no reason at all. He glanced at her shoes, and black leather boots, and decided that a little conversation couldn't hurt. He sighed again and slowly started to talk, every word fighting its way over his lips until it all just came spilling out. "Basically, I lost my best friend to suicide three years ago, fell into a depression, met someone special and fell in love with her, and I decided to propose to her. I was going to, anyway. So I took her out to this fancy restaurant back there", he pointed to a bright building across the street, "but just when we'd arrived a waiter spilt wine on her dress, proceeded to stumble over the table cloth, sending the engaging ring flying in the process, and as if that wasn't enough he accidentally lit the whole thing on fire. She left, the ring's gone and all that waiter left as a 'damage payment' were those random files-", the man gestured towards a stash of paper next to him, "So yeah, it was a bit of a rough night."

She leant against a lantern pole, smiling ever so slightly. It wasn't a friendly smile, though. It was much rather an amused, almost arrogant grin seemingly mocking the situation he'd just described. She noticed that he hadn't even bothered to look at her yet, else he probably wouldn't have been that chatty.

"John Watson, is it?" He glanced up in confusion, his eyes quickly darting from her face to her jacket and her shoes. "Ah, attempt at deductions. Must've gotten that habit from him", she thought, observing each and every of his moves. "Well, yes, but you are...?", he responded slowly, looking up at the unfamiliar face questioningly. Actually, if he thought about it, it didn't seem all that unfamiliar. These cheekbones, and those piercing blue eyes... No, he wouldn't dare to think of that. "Of course. Ida Holm's the name, pleasure to meet you.", a small, undefinable grin tugged at the corner of the black-haired's lips. "Ah... 'Holm', that's German. You don't have an accent, though?" She nodded approvingly, shortly chuckling at the way his drunk self slurred those words. "Long story, but in short my family moved there years ago, and we changed our last name for convenience."

He replied with a small nod, still looking at the strange visitor doubtingly. He was clearly expecting an explanation for that interruption of his 'calm' evening. "Well, that actually brings me right to the point. I'm terribly sorry for disturbing you in your rest, Doctor Watson, but I felt the need to talk to you. We're on the same page, after all.", she shot him an apologetic smile, seemingly not bothering to explain why exactly she knew him just yet. He quirked a brow. "Really? How come?" The tall woman smiled that knowing, almost mocking smile again that he'd started to hate over the past few minutes. It was so strangely familiar, the slightest bit of arrogance mixed with an 'I-know-everything'-look, putting him off and making him feel somewhat content at the same time.

"As you've probably concluded already the name 'Holm' originally comes from the well-known 'Holmes'. I am a distant cousin from your...", she hesitated slightly, "Friend, but unluckily I've lost touch over the past few years. But we always had a very good relationship, so naturally, the message of his... passing shocked me a lot." She was avoiding his gaze, staring at the bottle of wine he still held firmly in his hands. He'd slowly risen to his feet during her short speech, shifting slightly from one leg to the other. She noticed. "Of course, the limp's back"

Watson looked at the female disbelievingly. He'd gotten on with his life (That'd taken him long enough; almost three years in total), had found someone nice and considered himself cured of any Holmes-rubbish out there - and all of a sudden there was this woman standing in front of him, telling him she was a cousin of Sher- him. Said woman seemed to take his silence as an urge to continue her explanation and looked at the concrete beneath her feet before speaking. "Recently, I had a conversation with Mycroft Holmes, I do suppose you know him, and he just so happened to tell me a bit about you. Basically, I then figured that it'd be a good idea to talk to you once; sharing the pain, you know?", she stared at him expectingly, waiting for the smaller man's response. He just gaped at her. What was he supposed to say? "Oh, great, let's grab a coffee and chat a bit"? Instead, he just nodded slowly, sinking back onto the bench. The black-haired was quick to follow, seating herself next to him while staring into the night. 

Now, please excuse my terrible writing, English is not my first language so I'm not really good at that. But this is just an idea of how this could go. I haven't exactly figured out what would happen after that, but if I had then I'd have written a full story already. So do as you please with this, and tell me if you made something out of it!

[squireofgeekdom]

thoughts on hdm 1-2 under the cut, though first i need to register that i am Deeply Grumpy at the stupidity of the world that has led to this deeply absurd release schedule that, specifically, has prevented me from watching these episode upon release properly, that is, on the BBC with m on sunday, instead of on monday evening on hbo by myself. it annoys me and i can say definitively that it is a vastly inferior viewing experience. (yes we’ll watch them together on sunday that’s not the Point the point is There Was a Proper Way for this to be done and release schedules are dumb and i am Irked :[ ) 

that said. show and book spoilers below.

love a show that opens the first thirty seconds with narrated illustrative montage that goes: just to be clear, this is about rebelling against and killing the christian god. just in case you forgot or somehow didn’t get that the last two seasons. the fucking adaptation of his dark materials we deserve.

i am fascinated and puzzled by some of the adaptational cuts here like. well, we’ll see whether i think they work on next viewing, i don’t know that they specifically *don’t* work, I’m just puzzled by what went into them. (and like, there are a lot of additions/changes that really do work and I’m excited about) I want to buy everyone on the creative team lunch and pick their brains for hours about what went into this show, honestly.

Vastly Insufficient Balthamos being A Bitch. Insufficient Balthamos + Balthamos and Baruch in general, honestly, and the adaptational change they made to when he departs is just. very strange. like i can understand not wanting to do it the book way but it’s. it was very odd. (as is cutting the first angel attack & attempt to call metatron, which sets up that they’re being followed and what happens to Baruch later - and what went into their decision to seperate felt oddly rushed compared to other things which the show took more time than the book to set up) Though Balthamos being in human form instead of pretending to be Will’s daemon did allow for some truly excellent ‘what the actual fuck is this child doing’ expressions on that actor who, let me be clear, is excellent

frankly this show has made consistently sufficiently good choices that it had my expectations high enough (i know, the secret to happiness is low expectations and anytime i break that rule with myself i regret it, but) and i mean, the book’s subtext is barely not text that if the angel boyfriends had not kissed i would have been disappointed in the show. but yes. they did. these angels gay good for them good for them. oops now one of them is dead. soon both of them will be dead. 

fascinated that the suburbs of the dead went abandoned industrial grounds / DMV #aesthetic XD (though i do feel the loss of some of the book dialogue there) the world of the dead is very close to the vibes of how i pictured it in my head which is really quite satisfying.

having the gallivespians have dragonfly style (mechanical?) wings instead of riding dragonflies works and is probably one of those things that probably makes more sense from a special effects / keeping characters in frame perspective

having ogunwe be more of a character than in the book and showing more story there is an a+ choice. also love the lack of subtlety of drones being used on a resistance camp by the bad guys. and the continual fuck the christian patriarchy of it all. having mary meet the girls and talk about leaving the catholic church just like. yknow, in case it wasn’t clear what the ‘temple’ in this world was equivalent to.

whoever cast james mcavoy as lord asriel should be showered in praise and money because like. goddamn. that’s lord asriel. fuckin hell. 

im almost hoping that the trailer line from mary about ‘the greatest love is the love you will die for’ is going to be subverted and the whole line is something like ‘i used to believe/ be told that the greatest love is the love you will die for. now i know it’s the love you will live for.’ given. yknow. context of ‘if you stay in lyra’s world you will die’

will’s actor continues to be absolutely brilliant in the role. hurrah’s all around for the casting director and that kid’s acting choices. 

Oh also I'm fascinated by the choices in the intro. The mulefla's world viewed with Dust is gorgeous, and m and I totally called where the amber was going to go in the intro sequence

[newtonsheffield]

I love love love all your takes and long breakdowns of the characters this season!!!!! Why do you think Kate ran away at the end of 7 and where do you think she was going? Like was she just going to clear her head and planned to return to face her family? Was she planning to avoid Anthony and if so like….how?! Imo, she had already somewhat accepted that she was going to be estranged from Edwina and Mary and felt like she deserved to be alone and that her absence would somehow reinstate everyone’s happiness. Also she’s riding in the rain too, which she said makes her uneasy in the library scene, yet she seemed so determined and quite literally was running away from Anthony. I don’t know, sorry this is long, but I just love talking about these characters!

Okay!

This is something I'm probably gonna delve a little more into when I make these videos but I think what happens after her encounter with Anthony is a little interesting!

I'm gonna put it under the cut!

The very first time we see Kate in the after, she's in a panic

e

And I think there's a lot going on for her here:

Firstly, while I don't think Kate cares overmuch for the conventions of society: she is still a young woman. She still gave herself to Anthony (in some way or another). Even if she wanted to do it, even if she knew they could never be together.

Because in what possible world could they? She knew it was done for them the minute she stood in those woods and begged him to marry Edwina. No matter what happened between them: Her sister jilted him at the altar.

But I think, her slut shame spiral is of short duration. I think more than anything Kate's shocked at herself. Shocked that finally she let herself be selfish.

And I think she feels guilty. You can see it here. Se it so plainly. The panic, the guilt welling in her chest.

Not for what she's done. She doesn't necessarily regret that. I think she regrets what this is going to mean for her. Edwina was still very upset about... the tender eye fuck Kate and Anthony shared at her wedding and I think Kate feels like finally she's done enough to push them away forever.

There's an interesting feeling that settles in your chest when you're so used to repressing everything you want. When you're used to swallowing it down and pushing it away until you almost can't feel it. She knew what would happen if she spent the night with Anthony, and she did it anyway.

And still she can't stop thinking about it. Can't stop thinking about how his hands felt on her, and his lips and the way it made her feel and the way, when it happened it didn't feel wrong at all. How she'd lain against his chest in the minutes afterwards, while his breathing evened out in her ear, his arm around her waist, and she'd known she loved him.

It's also fairly obvious, from the look on her face when Anthony comes to see her (after her accident) that she didn't expect him to want to see her again. She's surprised that he came to call on her. And the little shake of her head she gives when he says he took liberties with her is heartbreaking.

SBecause she doesn't want him to think what they shared was something he took when she gave it willingly.

But regardless of all of this: It's confusing.

So Kate does the only thing that's going to bring her some semblance of a calm: She goes out. And maybe she's running again. She's spent the better part of her life running from what she wants, but she does it again. And she does it because last night she didn't.

Last night she didn't run from what she wanted. She stood there and took it with both hands: And it probably ruined everything.

So she's going away. She's going far away where she can't hurt Edwina anymore, and Mary won't feel the burden of loving her, and she won't bring shame on Anthony's family.

And in time, what she feels will pass, but she'll remember how it felt to pretend Anthony loved her. Just for one night.