#marauders funny quotes

[snarky-magpie]

Me: omg David Thewlis plays Hades in Kaos

My husband: Who?

Me: David Thewlis

My husband: again who?

Me: you know, Remus Lupin

My husband: who's that supposed to be?

Me: okay, this marriage is over

[raphael-angele]

Platonic MoonWater and Jealous ProngsFoot

Regulus: *went to the Marauders dorm room cuz he's bored and he wants to see James and Sirius but ended up only seeing Remus cuz the others went out so now he's just spending time with his brother's boyfriend*

Remus: *on his bed with Regulus, peacefully reading aloud a muggle book while Regulus is leaning on him cuz muggle literature fascinates him*

James: *enters the room* Hey, we got some- *sees them* What the hell is this?!

Remus: Oh, hey, Prongs, we were just-

Sirius: *coming in* AAAAH! WHAT THE HELL, MOONY?! My own brother?! I feel so betrayed! *faints dramatically*

Regulus: Oh, for fuck's sake.

Sirius: Hey, you watch your mouth. Babies aren't allowed to say that word.

James: Why, Reggie?! Why?! Why would you do this to us?! I thought you loved me!

Remus: Padfoot, Prongs, get a hold of yourselves. You guys are being ridiculous

Sirius: We're being ridiculous?! My brother and my boyfriend are in bed together!

Regulus: He was just reading to me.

James: Oh, the pain and devastation!

Sirius: What does he have that I don't, Moony?

Remus: Silence. What he has that you don't have is that he knows how to be quiet.

Sirius: Well, if that's what you wanted, you know exactly what to do.

James: And I can read to you, Reggie. I'm a much better story teller than that dyslexic moron.

Regulus: He's the top student in your year. Plus, his voice sounds nice. And he's warm to cuddle with. *cuddles up to Remus*

James: *gaasp* Moony, you thief

Remus: *hugs Regulus back* And Regulus is much cuter than you are, Sirius.

Sirius: *literal heartbreak then falls face first onto the floor*

Regulus: *smug* We're gonna get married as soon as I graduate.

Remus: *kisses Regulus' cheek*

Sirius and James: *die*

Peter, watching all of this unfold from the doorway: ...We got you guys some dinner.

[starchaser5]

James: Go fuck yourself.

Regulus smugly: Sure, but only if you watch

James: *faints*

[the0introvert]

Sirius: (walking out of the bathroom after finding a spell/potion that temporarily colors his hair) What do you think, moony?

Remus: (looks up from his book) cute.

*after a while*

Remus:*sobbing on James shoulder* He was so hot.

James: I know.

Remus: I'm so gay.

James: I know.

[rhetorical-conscience]

Barty: Wait, I thought you guys were dating.

Regulus: What? No. Why would you think that?

Dorcas: To be fair, I also thought you two were dating.

Regulus:

Evan: Raise your hand if you thought James and Regulus were dating.

Everyone: *raises their hand*

Regulus:

Regulus: James, put your hand down.

[moondustinfj]

James & Sirius:

Lily:

Regulus:

Rosekiller:

Barty:

Sirius & Regulus:

James:

Regulus:

James & Sirius:

Regulus & Remus:

[not-rab]

Barty “the only test he’s ever failed is a drug test” Crouch JR.

[wolvesandshine]

Remus *angrily*: Were you dropped on your head as a child?

Sirius: Yes actually. Multiple times. To ensure my magic was working or whatever.

Remus: Now I’m just sad for you

[manwrre]

*regulus finally tells evan about his crush on a particular gryffindor*

evan: so is it lupin?

regulus: no……i like james.

evan: …….potter….? he’s kinda fucking dumb, don’t you think?

regulus: he’s not d- listen, he’s hard to read. he’s mysterious.

evan: i don’t think he can read.

regulus: you never know what’s going on inside his head!

evan: i don’t even think he knows what’s going on inside his head…

[the-sun-is-also-a-star]

texts remus lupin sends to lily

[roggyroll]

[sirius' initial over-dramatic reaction to jegulus]

Sirius: –i dont even know what to say to you Reggie and James?! you stupid motherfucker, I just never expected this–

Remus: *under his breath* ...brotherfucker

Sirius: –from you, I'm honestly at a loss for words. How cou–

Sirius:

Sirius:

Sirius:

Sirius: what?

Remus:

Remus:

Remus: *shifting awkwardly**clears throat* ...i um... i said... brotherfucker...

Sirius:

Sirius:

Remus: ...because–

Sirius: *cold* yeah no i got it. i got it, thanks.

Remus:

Sirius:

Remus:

James: *incredulous*...really?!

Remus: *hands up in surrender* my bad!

[theabsentmindedprofessor]

James: Do you think I’d still be a baddie if I was a worm?

Remus: *to Lily* Are you sure this is the one you want?

[moonlitkihu]

Sirius: hey wanna hear a funny joke?

Remus: I only take dark humour

*Sirius turning off the light* : what do you call a fake noodle?

Remus:

Sirius: AN IMPASTA!

[thessynyx]

who they’d be putting on their hear me out cakes:

James:

- Eugene from the walking dead.

- Shrek, probably.

- Regulus (to Sirius’ horror).

- Gordon Ramsay.

- Squidward Tentacles

Sirius:

- Nick Wilde.

- the dad from Coraline.

- Diego from ice age.

- Santa.

- also Gordon Ramsay

Remus:

- Puss n boots.

- Roddy St James.

- Alvin Seville.

- the red M&M.

- Randall from Monsters Inc.

Regulus:

- Monty Potter (yk the one TikTok like “THATS MY DAD!!!!” That’s what I’m imagining here.)

- Phil Dunphy.

- Sporticus.

- Lightning McQueen.

- SpongeBob SquarePants

[ch3rrybite]

marauders hc #1

listen, it’s canon that the Marauders invented “boys will be boys.”

like:

James trying to flirt with Lily constantly, but the moment she’s in a three-foot radius, his brain resets to “quidditch facts and random trivia.” imagine Lily’s face when he blurts out, “did you know a hippogriff’s wingspan is six meters on average?” like…that was supposed to be, “hey, do you want to grab butterbeer with me?”

Sirius has main character syndrome but, unfortunately, so does James, which means there’s an ongoing competition over who the main character actually is. Sirius once convinced James that “real heroes sleep with one eye open,” and James, dead serious, gave himself a black eye trying to test it. Remus had to stop him from giving Sirius a broken nose.

Remus is 100% the “tired single parent” friend, but he’s also the one enabling the absolute worst ideas. “no, Pads, you can’t set the quidditch stands on fire… unless it’s after the match.” Sirius: “that’s the spirit, Moony!” James: “right, I’ll bring the firewhiskey.”

Sirius went through a phase where he’d hide all the mirrors in the common room so people would “rely on their natural beauty, James,” and Remus would have to go around collecting them and putting them back. the whole house thought they had a poltergeist, but it was just Sirius’s weird way of getting James to stop fixing his hair every five minutes.

James and Sirius once convinced the entire Gryffindor house that “Moony has a sixth sense and can smell lies.” Remus played along, and the power got to his head for a bit. cue him walking around giving people advice like a cheap mystic, muttering things like, “the stars tell me you’re going to fail potions unless you stop stealing my chocolate.”

James would absolutely throw himself in front of a curse for Sirius or Remus without a second thought. Sirius would do the same… but with a dramatic speech. Remus would throw himself in front of a curse for them too, but only because “if I have to listen to you two arguing one more time, I’ll hex myself.”

the Marauders: heroes of Hogwarts, masters of chaos, and quite possibly the reason the faculty has a secret support group.

[number1abbasupporter]

Lily: having trouble figuring out who knows Sirius the best huh?

James: it’s me!

Remus: it’s me!

Peter: it’s me!

Regulus:

Regulus: it’s probably not me