#making my ex a 15 year old makes everything worse

[galaxygermdraws]

Oh god Evil's Fault Brainrot is back. I mean this is a queue'd post so by the time yall see this the brainrot may have calmed down BUT IT'S STRONG AS I'M DRAWING THIS. I miss my 2021 Ex fixation...

(reblogs with tags/comments are appreciated. Thankyu)

[imaginespazzi]

Part 12: Fleeting Moments Of Forever

Masterlist - Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 13 - Part 14 - Part 15

I let my guard down and you pulled the rug (I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved)

(In which a depressed by recent events author spreads her depression)

Pairing: Paige Bueckers X Azzi Fudd

Themes: Angst, Fluff if you squint really hard, Hurt with a little bit of comfort if you squint really hard again (basically just squint you guys!)

Words: 12.3K

TW: Swearing (as per usual), a man (ew), brief reference to parental abandonment

A/N: Good morning/night my lovelies <3 Not quite sure what to say when it's one in the morning and I'm slightly delirious but I'm only a couple of hours late with this. There's a lot going on in this chapter and I'm sure I will once again be spammed with asks calling me evil, but remember lovelies, it's for the plot! I will be editing this chapter at some point tomorrow because I just really don't have the energy to edit but I wanted to get this out for you guys by tonight. So if you're reading tonight and see mistakes, please feel free to point them out and I'll fix them. As always, let me know what you liked, what you didn't and what you'd like to see in the future. Have a lovely rest of your week my loves!

May 2033

~ A few minutes ago ~

Azzi feels like shit as she runs up the stairs behind her daughter. She feels like a shit mother, she feels like a shit sister-in-law-sort-of-kinda-thing and most of all she feels like a shit ex-girlfriend-turned-complicated-current-situationship-or-whatever. And saying those complicated relationship titles in her head only makes her feel worse. Because really it should’ve been so simple; it had been so simple. And Azzi had chosen to make everything complicated and difficult instead. 

Drew’s words had been like a shot going down wrong, an accusation she knew she deserved but one that stung all the same. Paige’s silence -the fact that she hadn’t been able to give Azzi the assurance that she’d forgiven her- had been like the terrible chaser after that only made her feel more nauseous. And the after effects of it had been Azzi exploding all her feelings on her baby girl who’d just wanted some damn soda.

Letting the guilt fester, Azzi pushes open the door to Paige’s bedroom to find Stephie cuddled up against lavender pillows, one of Paige’s few hoodies that hadn’t made it to the Fudd household draped around her tiny little body. Azzi’s heart constricts at the sound of her daughter’s hiccoughs, tightening even more when she notices the wet patch Stephie’s tears have created against the pillow. 

“Stephie-bean,” she says softly as she climbs onto the bed, reaching out to brush a hand across the little girl’s curled up frame. 

“Go away Mama. I’m mad at you,” Stephie’s petulant reply is immediate as she shrugs off Azzi’s hand, furling away further into herself. 

“I know sweetheart-”

“You yelled at me,” Stephie continues, trying to keep her voice as firm as a five-year old’s can be but it’s too many emotions for such a little soul and Azzi can hear the telltale sign of a fresh new set of tears just waiting to fall. 

She tries again, gently pulling Stephie’s back against her chest and this time, there’s little resistance as the little girl goes easily into her mother’s arms. Azzi tightens her arms around Stephie’s waist, pressing a litany of featherlight kisses into her hair in between apologies, “I’m sorry. Mama’s so sorry sweetheart. I shouldn’t’ve yelled like that baby-”

“No you shouldn’t’ve,” Stephie says matter-of-factly, as she turns her body around to face her mother’s and Azzi’s hands instinctively move to wipe away the tears tracks on her face, “you were so loud. I don’t like when you yell.”

“I know bean,” Azzi says, the tight grip of remorse squeezing her heart harder at the melancholy in her daughter’s words, “but Stephie baby you know soda’s bad for you-”

“But it’s Friday Mama and I only wanted a little,” the little girl whines immediately, “I swear Mama I would’ve only had a little bit and then I would brushed my teeth so hard and they’d be sparkling white like this,” she pulls her cheeks wide open so she can bare her pearly white teeth at her mother, “see!”

And despite that heavy pit in her stomach, Azzi can’t help the slight peal of laughter that rumbles throughout her and elicits a matching grin from her daughter. She ruffles the little girl’s hair before pulling her flush against herself, Stephie’s head burrowing itself into the crook of her neck and for the first time tonight, Azzi finally feels like she can breathe again. Because at the end of the day, what matters most is the child wrapped securely in her arms and as long as she has Stephie, Azzi thinks, no matter what, she’ll find a way to survive. For Stephie. 

Something soft and fluffy brushes against her skin and Azzi reluctantly unfocuses from Stephie to find that the arm of the hoodie that had previously been draped over her daughter’s body, is now wrapped around both of them. Paige’s hoodie. She stares at the material, eyes blinking back tears as that wretched feeling of something’s missing whirls around her. It’s not an unfamiliar feeling; this secret craving that Azzi had often found herself hiding away from when she and Stephie were alone. A craving to have Paige there too, a craving for the two of them to be cradled in the blonde’s strong arms, a craving for this almost perfect picture to be complete. And now that she’s had a taste of what it’s like to have that - these past few weeks having felt like a tester of what it could be like to live in a dream that Azzi had thought she was no longer allowed to dream- Azzi wants nothing more than for it to be permanent. 

Another wave of guilt crashes against her as her mind flickers back to the bitter note she’d ended the conversation down stairs on. The stinging emphasis she’d placed on my daughter echoes loudly in her ears and even though Azzi knows that technically she hadn’t said anything untrue, the image of Paige’s face falling -the sparkle in her eyes dimming at the reality of the younger woman’s words- makes Azzi’s heart stutter with regret. There’s a part of her that thinks it’s all happening too fast, a part of her that’s in a constant duel with the rest of herself that’s ready to call Stephie theirs. And she knows it’s only been a couple of weeks -knows that it’s a little insane to have already carved out a place for forever on a shelf that’s plagued with uncertainties- but the truth is that there’s always been an unfilled space in Azzi and Stephie’s world that’s just been waiting for Paige to step in and claim it. It’s always been hers; they’ve always been hers. 

“Mama,” Stephie’s quiet voice mumbles against her chest and Azzi distractedly hums in return, “why does Miss Buecks have to learn to say no to me?”

“Because she likes to say yes a little too much and she definitely likes to say yes to you but if she keeps saying yes all the time, she’s gonna spoil you. Well more than you already are that is,” Azzi teases goodnaturedly, tugging at Stephie’s nose. 

The little girl pouts loudly before indignantly refuting her mother’s statement, “I am not spoiled. I’m a good girl. A very good girl. A very, very, very, very, very-”

‘Okay, okay, okay,” Azzi says, hushing the little girl with a slight laugh before she can continue to repeat herself, “you’re my very good girl who’s just a little bit spoiled.”

“Maybe a little bit,” Stephie admits, scrunching her nose, “but how come you never make Aunty Leen or Aunty J or Aunty Tessie or any of your other teammates say no to me?”

“Because-well,” Azzi struggles to find the words, “Miss Buecks is- she’s just- it’s different and she’s around a lot more,” she’s around all the time, “and so she’s gotta learn to say no to you sometimes.”

“Like Pops had to learn to say no to me if he wanted to keep helping Nana babysit?” Stephie asks earnestly and Azzi laughs at the reminder of how she and Katie had basically had to force Tim into learning how to say no to his persuasive granddaughter. 

“Yeah something like that,” she says with an amused grin. 

“So Miss Buecks is like-” Stephie pauses, hesitating slightly before a soft smile -one that bears an uncanny resemblance to the one her mother sometimes has when thinking of the same woman- appears on her face, “she’s like family?”

Azzi’s breath hitches in her throat; the delicate mix of sincerity and innocence in her daughter’s voice makes her pause. Because Stephie says it like it’s the most simple yet most important truth in the word, that’s it’s common knowledge she’s known all her life. Paige is family. 

“Yeah,” the brunette breathes out finally, the edges of her lips slightly upturning into a grin that matches her daughter’s, “I guess she is.”

Stephie nods quietly as she mulls over her mother’s answer and Azzi can practically see the cogs turning in her brain before her daughter’s dark brown thoughtful eyes look back up at her, “so does that mean we can keep Miss Buecks forever?”

“I-’

“I mean cause you said she’s family right?” Stephie babbles on, ignoring the way Azzi’s eyes have widened considerably, “and family- family is forever right Mama? That’s what they say? So- so if Miss Buecks is family that means she has to stay forever? We get to keep her forever?”

Azzi blinks rapidly at the onslaught of words falling from her daughter’s lips. Stephie makes it sound so simple; she makes a forever with the three of them sound like a given, like something that’s meant to be. And it makes her think of that night eight years ago, when Paige had made it sound just as simple. 

Be mine forever. 

It was Azzi who had made it complicated; obsolete even. 

But, she thinks, she won’t this time. As she looks back down at her daughter, the hopeful smile on Stephie’s face as she awaits Azzi’s answer, feels a little bit like fate is giving her another chance; a clear sky to re-write her own destiny in the stars. This time, with Paige. 

“Do you- do you want that,” Azzi asks slowly, “do you want to keep Miss Buecks forever?”

If possible Stephie’s smile grows even larger as she gives her mother what can only be described as a ‘duh’ look, “of course Mama. I want Miss Buecks forever and ever and ever. You want that too don’t you Mama?”

Azzi pauses for a second, letting herself be immersed in the idea. 

“Yeah,” she says softly, her eyes suddenly misty. And she knows that there’s still so much left unresolved, that tonight had revealed a chiasm of problems they’d have to still build a bridge over to get back to each other. But for a chance at a forever Azzi had thought she’d long forsaken, Azzi’s willing to try, “yeah I think I’d like to keep Miss Buecks forever too.”

The squeal Stephie lets out practically bounces off the walls in tandem with the little girl springing off the bed and Azzi laughs as her daughter wraps her small hands around her mother’s much larger ones, trying to tug her along. 

“Stephie wait sweetheart, what are you doing? Where are you going?”

Stephie sighs impatiently, “we’re going to Miss Buecks, Mama. We can’t just make this decision without her,” she continues matter-of-factly, “we have to tell her.”

“Tell her what Stephie?” Azzi laughs as she finally lets her daughter pull her off the bed and start dragging her out the door. 

“We have to tell her that she’s family and we have to tell her that we want to keep her forever.”

***

They’re about halfway down the stairs when Azzi begins to hear the whispered hissing of an argument between Paige and Drew going on in the kitchen and she feels dread wrap itself around her whole body. It doesn’t take a genius to gauge that it’s likely about her -more specifically about her and Paige’s relationship- and suddenly it feels like something dark has been cast all over her, stomping out the brightness that she’d felt just mere moments ago. 

Azzi hesitates on the last few steps, causing Stephie to impatiently look up at her as she contemplates whether or not to interrupt whatever altercation is going on in the kitchen. For as long as she’d known them, Paige and Drew had never seriously fought but then again, when Azzi had known them, Drew had been a child; a kid who would never have doubted his sister's decision, or Azzi’s for that matter. But the man that had walked into their lives tonight is one that had been witness -perhaps even a victim- to all the terrible decisions the two of them had made in the last eight years. It’s only natural, Azzi thinks, that he’d be wary of their relationship. He’d seen the burn marks that their relationship catching on fire had left on his sister’s skin and it was only natural that he’d blame the woman who’d held the matches. 

“Mama,” Stephie presses as she tugs at Azzi’s hand, “come on,” she whines, “I wanna see Miss Buecks.”

“Steph-” Azzi tries to say, her instincts going haywire when she hears Paige’s voice more clearly now -stop it Drew- but then Stephie pulls hard and she’s practically tripping down the rest of the stairs, trying to keep balance as the little girl holding her hand continues to drag her towards the kitchen. 

They’re still speaking too quietly for Azzi to pick up exactly what they’re saying but there’s a resigned urgency in Drew’s voice and a fearful sadness in Paige’s that makes bile rise at the back of her throat and suddenly Azzi’s very sure that whatever this conversation is, she really doesn’t want to hear it. But her feet keep moving, letting Stephie lead the way as the claws of it takes a second for everything to fall apart sink into her heart. 

“-there’s a reason you only wanted to be here for this season,” Azzi hears Drew say as they finally reach the kitchen door and she forces Stephie to a halt. Every part of her is screaming to take her daughter and turn away, to not listen to wherever this conversation she clearly wasn’t meant to hear is going.

“I know,” Paige whispers and Azzi’s heart stutters as she takes in the blonde’s red-rimmed eyes as she leans against the table, “I know.”

Azzi opens her mouth, ready to alert the brother-sister duo of their presence but before she can say anything, Drew’s speaking again and as the words roll out of his mouth, Azzi feels her blood run cold. 

“Stick to the plan Paige. Let the Liberty be the end goal. You’ll be in New York by the end of October.”

The plan. Liberty. New York. October. 

The words run around in a frenzy through Azzi’s brain creating a mixture of confusion battling with the sense of an unwanted realization that makes her feel dizzy. It’s like someone pricking a needle against the bubble of forever she’d just let herself believe in and there’s a loud pop echoing in her head. The noise hurts. Azzi had known Paige’s contract with GSV was only for a year; she’d even considered -perhaps even expected- that when Paige had signed it, she probably wasn’t planning on staying forever. 

But that was then. 

Surely things would be different now. 

“Miss Buecks,” Azzi’s dragged out of the cacophony of her mind by the sound of her daughter speaking. Stephie’s voice is wracked with fragility as she clings tightly onto her mother’s hand, her face morphed into a combination of betrayal and please tell me i’m wrong as she looks at Paige, whose face has gone ashen at the sight of the two of them standing by the doorway, “you’re moving to New York?”

“Stephie,” Paige whispers, eyes brimming with tears as she falls to her knees in front of the little girl, hand moving to grip her her shoulders, “sweetheart I-”

“Miss Buecks,” Stephie says again, her usually boisterous tone replaced by a meek, desperate one, “are you going to New York? Are you- are you,” her voice breaks and the next words come out in a barely there whisper, “are you leaving us?”

Say no, Azzi thinks, please say no, say you aren’t leaving, promise you’d never leave. But as she watches Paige open and close her mouth, choking on air as she tries to give an answer, she knows it’s wishful thinking, knows that it’s a promise Paige isn’t going to make. 

“Miss Buecks,” Stephie’s voice is shaking, holding back her tears as tight as she’s holding onto the hope that Paige will give her the answer she wants- the answer she needs, “are you leaving us?”

“I-” Paige bites her lip, hands running up and down Stephie’s shoulder and arms, almost like she’s trying to memorize what it feels like to be able to touch her, almost like, she’s not sure when she'll get the chance to have her this close again again, “I don’t- I don’t know sweetheart I-” 

It’s the wrong answer and Azzi closes her eyes as Paige cuts herself off with a small gasp of air when Stephie rips herself out of the blonde's grasp

“No,” the little girl says harshly, pushing herself behind her mothers legs. 

“Stephie-bean,” Paige says helplessly, looking from the little girl to Azzi. 

“No, no, no, no,” Stephie says; each no is louder than the last, “how you don’t know? You’re an ‘dult. ‘Dults are big. They know everything so how you don't know Miss Buecks?”

“It’s not that simple bean-” Paige tries to say, her hands outstretched towards the little girl, fingers clenching and unclenching like they don’t know how to be still unless they’re clasping onto her. 

“It is,” Stephie yells, “are you leaving us or not? Yes or no Miss Buecks?”

“I-” the blonde splutters, still unsure of what to say. 

“Stephie,” it’s Azzi who cuts Paige off this time, opening her eyes as she bends down in front of her daughter, pulling the little girl into a hug, “baby it’s okay. It’s going to be okay-”

“No it’s not,” Stephie screams as she wrangles herself out of her mother’s grip, the force of it causing Azzi to stumble backwards and something like if you’re going to hold me, hold me forever catches in her throat when Paige instinctively reaches out an arm to wrap around the her waist to keep her steady. The contact makes Azzi shiver and she has to fight the urge to let her shoulders relax, the urge to let herself melt into the warmth that Paige has always exuded.  They stare at each other for a second, Azzi trying to drown herself in the ocean blue of the blonde’s eyes as Paige tries to find some semblance of stability to hold onto in the brunette’s earthy ones. 

“Azzi,” Paige breathes out, that one syllable coated in layers of emotions that Azzi thinks she’d be willing to spend an eternity peeling through if it would bring her one step closer to keeping the woman in front of her from leaving, from going to fucking New York. 

“Mama I wanna go home,” Stephie’s adamant voice pierces through the silence and Azzi tears her gaze away from Paige -but not before she can catch a brief glance of the older woman’s face contorting in pain- to look up at her daughter's cloudy face. 

“Stephie-bean,” Paige speaks before Azzi can, heartbreak laced in her tone as she practically pleads with the little girl, “sweetheart please-”

“You promised you’d try to stay” Stephie bursts out, big fat tears cascading down her small face, “do you even rem-ber? At Nana and Pops’s house when I was scared you left you promised you’d try. But you’re not- you’re not even trying to stay Miss Buecks,” the little girl accuses, “you- you- you lied to me Miss Buecks.”

“I didn’t Stephie- I didn’t lie-” Paige tries to explain between her own tears and they’re still pressed so close together that Azzi can feel every shake of the older woman’s body against her own, “I didn’t lie sweetheart. I’m still- I’m still trying-”

“You’re not-”

“I am. I am Stephie. It’s just-” Paige’s eyes flicker towards Azzi who flinches at the unspoken implication, “it’s complicated.”

“Then un-comp-icate it,” Stephie stomps her feet petulantly before a series of heavy sobs wracked her tiny body and she heaves loudly, clutching at her chest. 

Concern floods through Azzi’s veins as she shuffles towards her daughter, still on her knees and Paige follows her lead, the two of them inching closer, “Stephie-”

Something shifts as Stephie looks at the two of them through tear-stained eyelashes; the anger and fight slowly dissolving into the air. And then, if possible, her face crumples even more before she’s falling into Paige’s lap, one arm tightly wrapping around the blonde’s neck as her other hand reaches out to grab onto Azzi’s bicep, binding the three of them together in a mess of limbs on the cold kitchen floor. 

“Please don’t go Miss Buecks,” Stephie wails as Paige clutches the little girl firmly against her chest, her hands brushing through her dark curls as she tries to comfort her, “please, please, please Miss Buecks I don’t want you to go. Don’t go to New York. Please don’t go. Please stay- stay with me and Mama forever. Please Miss Buecks.”

“Stephie-”

“Please don’t leave us Miss Buecks,” Stephie cries, her breathing unnaturally heavy as she shakes in Paige’s arms and Azzi reaches out a hand to soothe her back, trying and failing to keep her own tears at bay. Azzi’s chest tightens as Stephie continues to babble, begging Paige to stay as the blonde continues to hold her, droplets of water streaming down her face as she gently rocks the little girl back and forth. Because despite the way Paige has practically melded Stephie’s little body into her own, Azzi can see the way that the older woman still can’t seem to say the words that the little girl wants to hear, can’t seem to bring herself to guarantee forever. And it feels like the threads of the dream she’d just started weaving, are slipping out of her fingertips. 

Azzi doesn’t know how long they sit there -Stephie still pleading in Paige’s arms and Azzi stroking her back- but eventually her daughter’s words begin to turn into nonsense, her breathing slowly evening out until there’s nothing but silence; the gravity of her emotions having lulled her to sleep. The silence is deafening as Azzi tries to figure out what exactly she should do next, take her daughter and run or succumb to that part of herself that wants to follow Stephie’s lead and beg Paige to never leave them. She still doesn’t quite understand what’s going on, what sort of plan Paige has about moving to New York and if she’s honest with herself, there’s a part of her that doesn’t want to know; a part of her that wants to go back to ignorant bliss they’d been living in for the last few weeks. But as she stares at the dried tear tracks staining her daughter’s face -that familiar guilt of all we do is hurt the people around us reverberating between her and Paige- Azzi knows there’s no going back. 

“We should talk,” Paige says finally, her voice small as she looks at Azzi, “please.”

Azzi swallows as she wipes at her tears, ignoring the way Paige’s eyes trace her fingers, like they wish it was her brushing them away instead. She ignores the part of heart that wants that too, wants Paige’s comfort, just wants Paige. 

“Yeah, yeah I guess we should,” she says finally, “but um- I should- um,” she gestures towards Stephie’s sleeping body, “should uh- probably put her to bed first.”

“Right- yeah- yeah of course,” Paige nods awkwardly as Azzi reaches to pry Stephie off of her. 

The little girl lets out a low sleepy whine, her hands tightening around Paige’s neck, “no Miss Buecks don’t let me go.”

“Stephie,” Azzi’s heart breaks at the fear etched on her daughter’s face, despite being fast asleep, at the idea of being taken away from her Miss Buecks. 

“I’ve got you sweetheart,” Paige whispers softly against the little girl’s hair before looking back at Azzi, her eyes swimming with guilt, “I can- I can take her upstairs.”

A part of Azzi wants to say no, wants to start taking out stitches in the places where Stephie and Paige have already sewn themselves together. There’s a part of her that regrets having ever given them the needle in the first place, a part of her that wishes she’d never let her daughter get so attached, when there were so many uncertainties about the strength of the thread between them. 

But instead she says, “fine,” as she follows Paige up the stairs, heart constricting at the softness with which the other woman holds her little girl. 

“Put her in one of the guest rooms,” Azzi calls out quietly when Paigs starts to turn into her own room. 

The blonde stops in her tracks, turning around to face Azzi and she has to look away when she sees the stricken expression on Paige’s face. They were meant to be having a sleepover. The night was supposed to end with the three of them curled in Paige’s bed, supposedly watching some random movie but in actuality, Stephie would have dosed off in the middle of it and Paige and Azzi, with their hands entwined over the little girl’s body, would have spent the rest of it talking about everything and nothing. That’s how it was meant to go; it was meant to have been just another night like any of the other ones they’d spent together the last couple of weeks. But now that normalcy seems like an out of reach fairytale. 

“Az-” Paige tries to argue but there isn’t much fight in it and just the slight defeated shake of Azzi’s head is enough to have the older woman biting her lip and doing as she’s asked.

Azzi hangs back by the doorway as Paige gently places Stephie down on the bed, pulling up the moss green covers over the little girl’s body. It feels wrong, Azzi thinks, as her mind drifts back to a few moments ago when Stephie had been cuddled in Paige’s purple bedsheets; that had felt right, like a place her daughter could truly belong. She shuffles her feet nervously as she watches Paige caress Stephie’s cheeks before pressing her lips against the little girl’s forehead. 

“I love you Miss Buecks,” Azzi hears Stephie mutter and she digs her fingernails into her palms. 

Paige lets out a quiet whimper, shuddering slightly as she echoes the words back, “I love you more Stephie-bean.”

That should be enough, Azzi thinks, it should be enough that Stephie loves Paige and Paige loves Stephie to keep them together. And it’s not fair that it isn’t but if there’s anyone that knows that sometimes love isn’t quite enough to keep two people together, it’s Azzi. There’s too much there, too much history and she’d been naive to think the past wouldn’t cast a dark shadow on her present. 

The walk back downstairs feels like it takes an eternity; like they’re climbing back down from a tall mountain. Azzi walks ahead of Paige and she can feel the blonde’s gaze lingering on her back, can practically feel the tension vibrating off of her body at the prospect of the talk they’re about to have. Drew stands at the bottom of the stairs, nervously pacing with his hands stuffed in his pocket. His eyes move up to meet Azzi’s when she finally reaches the last step and he looks a lot like the little boy who’d once accidentally spilled a glass of water all over one of her favorite books. He has that same guilty look he’d had back then when he’d apologized profusely, swearing he’d save up all his pocket money just to buy her another one.

“I’m sorry,” Drew says in a rush, “I didn’t know you guys were coming back down and I didn’t know Stephie was gonna hear that-any of that. I swear Azzi- you know I wouldn’t have said any of that shit if I knew she was gonna hear-”

“It’s fine Drew,” Azzi reassures him, hesitating slightly before reaching out a hand to gently pat his cheek and she’s relieved when he doesn’t immediately back away, “I know you didn’t mean to.”

Drew lets out a small sigh of relief, “okay good cause I really didn’t. I uh-” his gaze flutters between Paige and Azzi, “I’ll um- I’ll let you guys talk now,” he pauses in front of Paige, who looks about as miserable as Azzi feels, “love you no matter what Paigey,” he whispers before giving her a quick peck on her forehead and squeezing her shoulder. 

And then it’s just the two of them and the heavy burden of everything they can no longer ignore. 

***

April 2027

Azzi grips the armrest tightly, her eyes screwed shut as the plane shakes rapidly while preparing to land. For someone who’s pretty-well travelled and has dealt with her fair share of turbulent plane rides, Azzi still finds herself going ridgid every time an aircraft she’s on starts getting a little too bumpy. She can practically hear Paige’s teasing voice -even after all this time- calling her a big baby but the blonde would have laced their fingers together anyway, distracted her with some random story and she’d have held on to her hand -no matter how sweaty- until the plane stopped moving. 

God, Azzi misses her so fucking much. 

But hopefully she won’t have to for much longer. Azzi’s not quite sure what’ll happen after she lands in Dallas, hasn’t -in a very un-Azzi-like step- even really practiced what she wants to say. But, and she knows it’s a little dramatic but she thinks she can probably come up with a mix of apologizing, begging for forgiveness and declaring her undying love that would atleast get Paige to consider giving her another chance. 

There’s this hollow ache in her chest that hasn’t gone away for the last two years. And Azzi had tried to ignore it, had tried to shift her focus to everything else -everything good- that was happening in her life. But even after she’d had an All-American last season at UConn, even after she’d let that team to a back-to-back national championship, even after she’d been the first pick of the 2026 draft to GSV, even after she’d won rookie of the year, there was a still lingering pain -a deep rooted sense of something she’d lost- etched through her whole body. The thing is that Azzi knows she can survive -can even succeed- without Paige- but she doesn’t want to. Not anymore. 

The decision was a long-time coming, the inevitable leap of faith to chase after what she wanted most in the world. But it had all clicked into place at the most mundane of times. She’d been at the park on her regular morning run and she’d seen a family -two women who’d looked at each other like they’d stop breathing if they looked away and their beautiful baby girl who was happily swinging in between them- and suddenly everything else had felt so insignificant in comparison. She’d been forced to admit the truth she’d been trying so hard to run away from. That was the future Azzi wanted -perhaps not immediately but eventually- and she wanted it with Paige. 

Azzi hadn’t let herself overthink it, knowing that if she gave herself enough time, she’d more than likely talk herself out of it. Instead, she’d booked the tickets from San Francisco to Dallas in a rush and then called Ice -the newly anointed Dallas Wing rookie- and it hadn’t taken much to convince her former teammate - who’d all but squealed at the idea of her ‘parents getting back together’- to pick her up from the airport and drive her straight to Paige’s. 

“She’s gonna be so happy,” Ice had assured her, “I mean I’ve only been here like a week but I know for sure she misses you Az. Oh my god this is so exciting,” and Azzi had laughed as she’d listened to the sound of her friend giddily clapping, “I’m so excited for the two of you. You belong together.”

A serene smile crosses Azzi’s face, and she knows it must look a little ridiculous just smiling to herself like this, but all she can think about is that she’d be with Paige soon. And she’s not naive enough to think that everything would miraculously be okay; she knows just how deeply her rejection must have pierced into Paige’s soul. But if the other woman gives her the chance, Azzi’s ready to spend an eternity making it up to her. 

She sucks in a deep breath as the wheels of the plane collide with the runway, her eyes crinkling slightly as she realizes the weather app had lied to her and instead of the ambient evening she’d expected, it’s torrential downpour outside. In hindsight, maybe that should have been her first sign. But for now, Azzi smiles at the raindrops trickling down the window, clichéd memories of kissing in the rain -”baby come on, it's romantic, who cares if we get sick”- flooding her brain. 

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Dallas Fort Worth International Airport. The time outside is currently 7 pm in the evening. We hope you had a good flight and on behalf of Delta Airlines, we wish you a pleasant stay,” the pilot’s voice croons throughout the speakers as Azzi fidgets with her necklace, her last Christmas gift from Paige. 

Just a little while longer baby. I’m coming to you. Forever. 

***

The nerves she’d kept at bay hit Azzi all at once as soon as she climbs into Ice’s car; the thoughts of everything that could possibly go wrong barrage into her mind as she watches the windshield wipers furiously fight against the rain. What if Paige doesn’t wanna see her? What if Paige isn’t willing to give her another chance? What if Paige hates her? 

“Dude,” Ice groans, briefly looking away from the road to flick Azzi’s arm, “I can literally hear you thinking. Chill the fuck out!”

“I’m trying,” Azzi whines, leaning her head against the cool window, “Fuck, Ice what if this is the dumbest shit I’ve ever done in my life? What if she sees me and is like ‘what the fuck are you doing here,’ what if she tells me go home? Oh my god Ice why the fuck did you let me do this?”

“Let you?” Ice splutters indignantly, “oh no no no. You are not putting this on me. You didn’t even let me say anything when you called. It was literally ‘hey Ice, I’m coming to Dallas, make sure you pick me up in 6 hours okay thanks’ and next thing I know you’re in Dallas,” the younger girl mimics the phone-call as Azzi continues to groan. 

“This is why I leave the spontaneous shit up to Paige,” she says, stressfully rubbing her face. 

“Yeah but-” Ice gives her a lopsided grin, her tone softening considerably, “she’s gonna love that you did this for her Az. Trust me dude- the two of you- you’re meant to be. Everyone’s always known that. She’s gonna be so fucking happy to see you.”

“Thank Icey,” Azzi says softly, dragging in another deep breath, “I needed to hear that.”

“Any time Az, any time,” Ice reaches over to squeeze her hand and Azzi finally lets herself relax into her seat. 

The rest of the car ride consists of reminiscing their time at UConn -it’s strange to think that they’re both alums now- and Ice telling Azzi stories about her move from Connecticut to Texas. Anticipation builds in Azzi’s stomach as she glances at the GSP, eyes fixating on the ‘3 minutes till your destination’ bubble on the bottom left corner. 

Her destination. 

Azzi thinks no matter how much she’d tried to fight, no matter how much she’d tried to turn and walk the other way, all roads were always meant to lead here. Paige was always meant to be her final destination. She’s not one for fairytales, doesn’t think life began with once upon a time, but as Ice’s car comes to halt opposite the blonde’s apartment, Azzi hopes that her life has a happily ever after where she and Paige get to write the ending of their stories together. 

“We’re here,” Ice says slowly, smiling ear to ear as she turns towards Azzi, “go get your girl.”

“Okay, okay-” Azzi whispers to herself, “you’ve got this Azzi. Just fall to your knees and tell her you’re sorry and that you love her,” she shoves Ice when the younger girl snorts at her little pep talk and then breathes in deeply, “it’s gonna be okay. I’ve got this. I’ve got this!”

“You’ve got this,” Ice affirms, forever a supportive child.

Taking one more breath, Azzi’s just about to step outside, when she sees her. Paige is walking, almost running towards her apartment. Despite the rain, in typical Paige-fashion, the blonde doesn’t have an umbrella. Strands of wet hair are plastered against her forehead and little droplets of rain cascade down her face and neck. Her shirt sticks to her body so that Azzi can see the definition of her abs and the younger woman would love to take a moment to appreciate just how fucking hot Paige looks but instead, her eyes follow the bulge of the blonde’s biceps down to where her hands are interlocked with someone else’s. Someone else who’s not Azzi. 

She gasps for air but she swears it’s carbon dioxide that settles in her lungs instead because god, does it burn. 

Paige is laughing, eyes twinkling as she and a beautiful woman -a beautiful woman who isn’t Azzi- race to get out of the rain. She hears Ice curse behind her, sounding just as confused as she feels as the two of them watch the scene unfold in front of them, watching Paige and the woman come to halt right in front of the blonde’s apartment building. 

“Az maybe we should-”

“Who is that?” Azzi cuts Ice off, her eyes still transfixed on the two smiling women. 

Ice sighs, “her name’s Olivia. She’s a reporter for the Dallas Morning News-”

“And who is she to Paige?” Azzi asks bitterly, as if she doesn’t know the answer, as if the way Paige is wrapping an arm around that woman’s waist isn’t enough of an answer in itself. 

“I don’t know. Azzi I swear I didn’t know she had a-” Ice hesitates, “she hasn’t told me anything about another woman. 

Azzi doesn’t say anything, hand tightly gripping the car door she hadn’t even had a chance to open as she watches Paige brush a loose strand of hair out of the woman’s face. 

The tip of the dagger pierces against her heart. 

The woman smiles at Paige as she wraps her arms around the blonde’s neck and now they’re pressed flush against each other, barely any space between them. 

The dagger digs deeper. 

Paige caresses the woman’s cheeks. 

The dagger twists. 

It happens in slow motion; Paige moving ever so slowly as she presses her lips against the woman’s. 

And the dagger lodges itself somewhere so deep inside Azzi, she thinks it might be permanently entrenched inside her soul. 

It’s funny, Azzi thinks as she watches the two women break apart -their hands intertwining again as they start walking into the apartment- anyone else watching this scene would perhaps think of it as something straight out of a romantic comedy. But to Azzi, it feels like the climax scene of a tragedy. 

“Can you take me back to the airport?” she says slowly, still watching Paige’s retreating back. 

“What- no Azzi I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Ice disagrees immediately, “c’mon we’ll go back to my place and I swear I have some good vodka left over from my housewarming party-”

“Ice please,” Azzi begs, her voice hoarse, “I just wanna go home. Please.”

“Okay, okay. Whatever you say Azzi,” Ice concedes softly, already starting to pull away from the curb.

“You can’t tell her about this, you know that right?” 

“Az-”

“No Ice. She’s moved on and she’s allowed to move on,” the words feel like thorns on the tip of her tongue, “she looks happy. I won’t ruin that. You can’t tell her. You can’t ever tell her.”

“Fine,” Ice nods reluctantly, “I won’t say anything.”

Azzi allows herself one more look back at the apartment, allows herself one more second to dream of Paige running back outside, spotting her and telling her that all of this is just one big misunderstanding, telling her that she hasn’t found someone else, telling her that she’s still Azzi’s. But dreams aren’t reality. No, reality is the fact that Paige looked happy, looked happy with someone that wasn’t Azzi. And even if that damn fucking dagger -sharpened with the image of Paige and someone else- is making her bleed out, Azzi thinks that her heart will still a find way to keep beating, as long as she knows that Paige is happy. 

*** 

The almost two thousand dollar last-minute flight back to San Francisco passes by in a blur. Azzi feels like she’s sleep-walking as she gets into the uber, pressing play on a voice message Ice had left her from after she’d gotten on the plane. 

“Azzi please text or call me as soon as you land. I’m really worried about you dude. I’m so fucking sorry. I had no idea. I texted Adam after -he’s a team manager that’s really close with Paige- and I guess she and Olivia have been dating since the end of the season last year but Paige is keeping it highkey on the DL like the team barely knows and I swear Az- I didn’t know. Fuck please don’t do anything stupid Azzi. Text me as soon as you hear this and then just- just go home and sleep and call me tomorrow morning. I love you Az, I’m so fucking sorry.”

Since the end of the season, Azzi thinks slowly, her brain still a fuddled mess. That meant that Paige had been with someone for almost eight months. And Azzi knows she has no right to feel this hurt, let alone feel that tiny spark of betrayal that’s lingering underneath it. She’s the one that had let go; it’s only natural that Paige would eventually find someone else to hold on to. 

“Where to Miss?” the uber driver asks as Azzi’s typing out a short ‘landed’ text to Ice. 

It’s almost two in the morning and sleep prickles against Azzi’s eyes, her body feeling barely functional but the urge to just forget is stronger than the wave of tiredness washing over her body. And so she ignores every good instinct she has and instead of giving the cab drive her home address, Azzi tells him to drive to the nearest bar instead. 

It’s a heat-of-the-moment decision -taken as sordid images of Paige wrapped around another woman cloud her ability to think- and she doesn’t know it’s about to change the trajectory of her whole life.

***

May 2033 

The silence in the living room is deafening as Paige and Azzi find themselves sitting on opposite sides of the sofa. Azzi’s fingers tap against her thighs; resisting the impulse to reach over and touch the other girl, comfort her and be comforted in return. This night has felt like one of the longest in her life, all the hits falling like dominoes with the two of them at the end of the line. And perhaps it’s the way she’s starting to feel the bruises now as she absorbs everything that’s happened tonight that has her thinking fuck it and turning to Paige with a pleading look on her face. 

“Can you just-” Azzi hesitates as she scooches just slightly closer to the other woman who regards the movement with wide eyes, “I know- I know we have to talk and we will but I just- it’s been a long night and I’m just so fucking tired and I just- I miss you-” she says and she’s not sure how it’s possible when Paige has been here the whole night but it’s the truth, “and I just- can you just hold me? Please?”

Paige is so still that for a moment Azzi thinks maybe she’s asked for too much but then the older woman is moving -so fast like she’s scared the brunette will change her mind- and Azzi feels herself being lifted sideways onto Paige’s lap. The blonde’s grip is iron tight as Azzi buries her head into the crevice of her neck, breathing in the smell of all things Paige. She reaches her hand out gently, placing it against the older woman’s chest, trying to stabilize the two of them to the steady beat of Paige’s heart as the other woman rubs her hand up and down Azzi’s back. They stay like that for god knows how long and Azzi wishes she could just keep them like this forever, in each other’s arms. 

But they need to talk. 

And Azzi reluctantly untangles herself Paige, closing her eyes when the blonde lets out a soft whimper. She doesn’t move all the way to the other end of the sofa this time; choosing instead to sit right next to Paige with their legs pressed togethers and it’s not nearly enough -too little when all she wants is to be consumed by Paige-  but at least it’s something. 

“I was going to tell you tonight,” Paige starts slowly, “you remember in the car when I said I would explain the whole Angie thing to you, well that- that’s part of this whole mess.”

Azzi furrows her eyebrows, “Angie? What does- what does she have to do with this?”

“I’ll get there okay- just- just let me start from the beginning,” Paige says nervously, “just listen okay.”

Biting her lip, Azzi nods, signaling for the older woman to continue. 

“I didn’t want to come to GSV-”

“Because of me?”

Paige sighs, “yes. It- it just- it felt like such a bad idea at the time. You broke my heart Az,” she shoots Azzi an apologetic look when she flinches at the bluntness of it, “and coming here- being around you- I was scared it was gonna be a reminder of that all the time. Every time I’ve seen you these last couple of years Az- it’s hurt. And I just didn’t- I couldn’t live with that every day.”

It’s not something Azzi wants to here but she understands it; she’d felt the exact same way when Colleen had first told her about GSV being interested in Paige. 

“But more than anything,” Paige continues, “I was scared that coming here meant giving you a chance to do it again. Because the two of us being together for more than just a fleeting moment- well it felt inevitable that something would happen and I was just so scared that it would be something bad. And so I fought Talia every step of the way until she forced me to come here and I met Stephie,” a soft smile flitters across the blonde’s face, “and she just- she said I’d look good in purple.”

Azzi laughs, “and that’s all it took huh?”

“You know me. A little bit of flattery will get you everywhere,” Paige grins, “but it wasn’t just her,” she nudges Azzi, “it was you. I was so sure you were gonna tell me to turn it down, tell me that there was no way this was gonna work. But you didn’t. You’re always surprising me I guess. Baby you said you wanted me on your team and that was it for me. No matter how much I said I needed time to think or whatever, as soon as you asked me to come here, I knew I was a Valkyrie.”

“I lied to Colleen that it was for the team,” Azzi admits, “think I even lied to myself about it that I wanted you here to help us win a championship. And yeah maybe that was a little bit of it but I just-” she looks down shyly at her lap, “I just wanted you. Here. With me.”

They’re quiet for a little bit, letting their confession dangle in the air until Azzi breaks it, her mind back to focusing on the revelation from before, “I don’t get it then Paige- what was Drew talking about then? What is this whole plan thing with the Liberty? Being in New York by October? I know your contract is for a year but I just-” she shrugs, “I just assumed you were gonna renew with us so where- where does New York even come into play in all of this? I’m just- I’m just so confused.”

Paige chews at her bottom lip and fidgets with her fingers, two tell-tale signs of her nerves as she keep her gaze firmly away from meeting Azzi’s, “I guess- I guess all my fighting against GSV got through to Talia and after I’d made up my mind to sign with the Valkyries, she- she figured out a verbal deal with the Liberty. They didn’t- they didn’t have the money for me this year but next year with Sabrina retiring- next year they will and GSV knew they were gonna get Angie to be their point guard of the future and it all just- it all made sense. I’d stay here for a year, mentor Angie so she could be my replacement for next year and then I’d-” 

“Then you’d leave,” Azzi says bitterly and this time it’s Paige who flinches, “but you said- you said Stephie and I convinced you to come here- so- so what? We only convinced you to come for a year?” she asks, her tone sharper than she intended it to be. 

“No it wasn’t- it wasn’t like that,” Paige tries to justify, “I just- it scared me how easy it was for me to be convinced. It was one moment with Stephie- one moment with you- and I was ready to make a decision for my future based just off of those two little moments. Do you know how scary that is? And I knew- I knew that coming here- being around the two of you would just- it would make me fall so fucking fast -and it has- and I was just so scared that I’d get my heart broken again and I just- I needed an escape plan.”

“You needed an excuse to leave us,” Azzi says venomously. 

“That’s not fair Azzi,” Paige says quietly, “you have to understand how afraid I was of history repeat itself Az,” she reaches for the younger woman’s hand, enveloping it between her own, “when I lost you the first time, I was so fucking broken and it took me so long to fix myself- I- I don’t even know if I did ever fully fix me. You can’t blame me for being scared of having to go through it again.”

Azzi’s quiet for a second before she finally lets out a sigh because Paige is right and she can’t- she won’t hold whatever decision the other woman had made before they’d found their way back to each other, against her. 

“Okay. Okay. I- I get it. I get why you were scared. I get why you had a whole backup plan and-,” she grins teasingly at the blonde, “and now I also get why you were such a bitch to Angie.”

Paige laughs a little, pressing her forehead against Azzi’s and closing her eyes, letting themselves melt into a comfortable silence as they bask in each other’s presence and for a moment’s Azzi feels floaty and free until Drew’s words replay themselves inside her head. 

“Paige,” she says slowly, earning a little hum of acknowledgement from the other woman, “it’s over now though right? The deal- you- you’re gonna tell the Liberty that it’s off? No more New York right? Not even as an escape plan?”

The blonde stiffens, her eyes opening immediately. 

“Paige,” Azzi presses, lifting her forehead so she can study the older woman’s face properly,  the false comfort of a few seconds ago being replaced by a leaden pit in her stomach. 

“I- I don’t know,” Paige whispers, so quietly that it takes a couple of seconds for Azzi’s ears to even pick it up. But when it does finally register -the repeat of what she’d said to Stephie-  it feels like something’s slowly cracking inside Azzi, until the cracks get larger and larger and something shatters, the pieces of it lodging themselves in every organ of her body.

“You don’t-” Azzi swallows, pulling her hands out Paige’s, “you don’t know?”

“Az-”

“No,” Azzi holds her hand out in a stop sign as Paige tries to grab for her, “how- how can you not know,” she keeps speaking even when the blonde tries to reply, “Paige you- you were the one who pushed for this. You were the one who begged- who convinced me to try. Why- why would you do that? What have we been doing for the last few weeks Paige if you’re still thinking about leaving at the end of the season? God Paige- how can you even say that you don’t know?”

“I thought I did,” Paige bumbles out, “these past few weeks have been everything to me Azzi and I thought I knew but tonight- everything Drew said-” she stops suddenly and Azzi knows whatever the young man had said isn't something Paige wants to repeat back to her. 

“What did Drew say?”

Paige hesitates, “he thinks you’re gonna break my heart and that I’ll lose you and that I’ll-” she clutches her throat like the next words are physically painful to say, “that I’ll lose Stephie.”

“And you- you think he’s right?”

There’s heartbreak etched all over Paige’s face as she shrugs helplessly, “you’ve done it before Az. You let me go. You- you said no-”

“And you’re one who left,” Azzi bursts out, tears cascading down her face as she rises to her feet. 

Paige guffaws up at her, “what?”

“I know I said no but you left literally the next fucking day before I could say anything else. God Paige, I know I fucked up and I know that it’s mainly my fault. Trust me I’ve regretted it every single day,” Azzi sobs, “but you- you left Paige. I know I let you go but you didn’t hold on to me either. You just- you left.”

“Azzi-”

“I understand why you had an escape plan before,” Azzi says, wiping away her tears, “but I can’t be with you if you still have one now. Especially not when Stephie’s involved. She’s already so fucking attached and if you can’t promise not to leave her then I- I can’t let her get anymore attached. I can’t watch my baby girl cry like she did tonight- not again Paige.”

“Azzi,” Paige says again, like it's the only word she knows; the only word that matters. 

Azzi falls to her knees in front of the other woman, wrapping her hands around Paige’s tightly wounded fists. 

“I get that you’re scared and I’m so sorry baby, I’m so sorry that I’ve made you feel like heartbreak is inevitable with me,” she presses a kiss against the blonde’s knuckles, “but Paige I- I can’t- live like this, I can’t live knowing that you could leave me -leave us- any second. I need you to trust me, I need you to believe in us and I need you to tell me you’ll stay. And if you can’t do that then-”

“Please don’t say it,” Paige breathes out, her shoulders radiating with tension. 

Azzi stands back up slowly, delicately placing her lips against the  older woman’s forehead. She feels Paige shudder under her touch as she tries to put every little bit of emotion, every little bit of please choose me, please choose us, please choose to stay, into that kiss. 

“Just- just think about it- sleep on it I guess. Take your time Paige but I- I need more than ‘I don’t know’ as an answer,” she says finally, the words lingering between them as she brushes away a couple of strands of the blonde’s hair before letting out a sigh as she puts some space between them, “I should go.”

Paige’s fingers immediately wrap around her wrist as the other woman blinks up at Azzi with pleading eyes, “don’t go-”

“Paige-”

“It’s late. Stephie’s asleep. Just- just stay.”

You stay, Azzi wants to scream because how can Paige ask her to do the one thing that the older woman herself is scared to do. But she’s exhausted and driving home -to a house that’s entrenched with the memories of the last few weeks but wouldn’t have Paige in it- sounds like something dreadful. And so she nods, shooting Paige another longing look before she heads towards the staircase. 

“Az,” she hears the other woman call out just as she’s about to climb onto the first step, making her stop and turn her head over her shoulder. 

“Yeah?”

“You know right? You know that- that I-” Paige gulps, “you know that I lo-”

“No,” Azzi says immediately, shaking her head rapidly, “say it to me when you can tell me you’ll stay.”

*** 

May 2027 

Azzi taps her foot incessantly against the hardwood floor as her gaze nervously flitters towards the front of the restaurant, where a man in a light blue polo shirt and dark jeans has just walked in, his own eyes scanning the premises in search of someone. She has the ridiculous urge to shrink in her seat, to hide away from his wandering eyesight as if he’s not the reason she’s here in the first place. Taking a deep breath and counting to ten Mississippis, Azzi finally raises her hand, trying to wave him over. 

“Tristan,” she calls out, attempting to arrange her features into a smile to match his when the man in question finally spots her. 

“Hey,” Tristan choruses, his eyes twinkling as he slips into the seat opposite Azzi, “I’m not gonna lie, I’m kinda shocked you called. Not that I’m not happy- I mean, who wouldn’t be happy if a pretty girl called but I- I just wasn’t expecting it.”

Azzi tries to give him a humorous grin, “so you just gave me your number expecting nothing?”

She’s trying to make a joke but it comes out flat and she hopes he can’t read just how uncomfortable she is; won’t call her out for the uneasiness that she knows is radiating off of her. 

“Expecting? No. Hoping? Definitely,” Tristan smirks and Azzi’s reminded of the charm he’d exuded that night in the bar. 

The memory makes her want to throw up- well she supposes it’s probably not just the memory but also her little situation. She regards the man in front of her warily; he’s not bad to look at and at first glance he doesn’t exude any major red flags. And she’s almost ready to give her way-too-fucking-drunk past self a pat on the back because she'd made multiple dumb-as-fuck decisions that night -exhibit a: fucking a random stranger in a bar while mourning her ex- but at least she’d had the sense not to choose a complete psychopath. 

“Well I called,” she announces awkwardly. 

Tristan raises an eyebrow, “it’s been a whole month.”

Azzi bites her lip, “better late than never?”

The man in front of her snorts, “I suppose so but honestly I wasn’t expecting you to call at all. I mean- I figured you’d have gotten back together with your ex.”

That causes Azzi to suck in a sharp breath, her fingers digging crescent shaped scars into her palms. 

“I mean,” Tristan continues, oblivious to the way his words cut into the woman in front of him, “you just- you sounded like you really loved her and the way you talked about your relationship- it just- it sounded so perfect and I know I don’t know her and I know- I know you mentioned she was seeing someone else but you just- your relationship like- that shit sounded unbeatable and so I just- I guess I just assumed that if you wanted her back-  she’d want you back-”

“She’s engaged,” Azzi says loudly and it would be comical how quickly that shuts Tristan up if it wasn’t for the fact that saying those words out loud, feels like shooting an arrow into her own heart. She can still see the engagement announcement floating behind her eyes; can still so clearly see the pictures of Paige down on one knee for a woman who was beaming down at her, for someone who had said yes. 

“Oh,” Tristan’s saved from having to say anything more when the waiter appears with a menu. 

“What can I get you guys today?” the waitress asks cheerfully. 

“Just the salmon for me please,” Azzi says, still a little lost in her thoughts. 

“And for you sir?” the waitress turns to Tristan after jotting down Azzi’s order. 

“I will have the chicken with a waldorf salad on the side but with no nuts please; I’m allergic to most nuts,” Tristan responds politely as the waitress nods and starts to walk away but it’s the last part that perks Azzi’s ears up. 

“You’re allergic to nuts? Is that like- is that genetic?” she asks. 

Tristan seems a little taken back by her curiosity of his allergy but he nods his head yeah and Azzi pencils that little fact into her brain, figuring it would be an important tidbit to share with her doctor. 

“So your ex is engaged,” Tristan repeats, looking apologetic when his bluntness makes Azzi flinch but it’s replaced by a smirk as he lounges back in his seat, “so you called me for what? A rebound? I mean look Az, you’re a gorgeous girl but only being called for a rebound might just give a guy a complex.”

She knows he’s trying to be suave -charming even- but instead all it does is give her the ick and Azzi’s reminded of why she’d avoided men since her mistake of a boyfriend back in her senior year of high school. Hell, she’d only dated him because she and Paige had been trying their hands at another attempt of being just friends and the blonde was dating some pretty girl. But he’d been the first and last man she’d ever been with -which wasn’t surprising considering it had taken her and Paige only a year after to finally get together- until that night at the bar. 

Azzi barely remembers anything about that night beyond flashes of memories but she remembers the morning after clearly, remembers the regret that had coiled itself around her ribs. She’d practically run out of the hotel room, barely managing to keep the tears at bay in the back of the uber. She hadn’t even made it to her bedroom, breaking down in the middle of her living room floor as everything that had happened the night before -seeing Paige with someone else, being with someone else- hit her like an avalanche. Azzi doesn’t know how long she’d sat in a sobbing mess on the floor but at some point she must have fallen asleep, because her next memory is Colleen towering over her, a look of pure concern on her bestfriend’s face as she shook her awake. And then she was crying again, this time wrapped in the comfort of Colleen’s arm as she let the regret of all her mistakes -from the past and the present- flow down her cheeks. 

All she’d wanted after, was to just forget about the night -forget the image of Paige kissing a stranger, forget the image of herself walking up next to a stranger- and for a little while, the world had even granted her that wish. That was until a mandatory pre-season checkup had given her news that would make sure she’d never forget that night. 

“Azzi?” Tristan clicks his fingers in front of her face to get her attention, “you still with me?”

Azzi shakes her head, trying to come back to reality instead of staying lost in her mind. Taking a deep breath, she finally puts into words the truth that has become the epicenter of her world. 

“I’m pregnant.”

Tristan stares at her with a shell-shocked look on his face, his eyes unblinking and wide as his mouth slowly morphs into a ‘O’ shape, “you’re- you’re pregnant?”

“Yes,” Azzi nods, her tone shifting from nervous into something more businesslike, “and before you ask, yes it’s definitely yours. But you don’t have to feel pressured to be involved beyond whatever you’re comfortable with. I’m more than financially capable of taking care of a child by myself and I’m very lucky to have a great support system in my friends and family so I’m not depending on you for any-”

“You’re keeping it?” Tristan cuts her off, sounding almost disbelieving that, that was the choice she was making. 

Azzi stops at his words, tongue darting out to wet her lips. She’d gone back and forth with the decision from the minute she’d found out. Most of the factors in Azzi’s life pointed towards an abortion being the best thing for her. She was an athlete at the beginning of the peak of her career and she was only 25 years old, a young adult who’d just started this journey of life. For all her responsibleness, Azzi was still figuring out how to take care of herself. How could she possibly take care of a baby? 

She’d been just about to call Dr. Myers when instead her phone had opened to the instagram app; Paige’s engagement announcement the first thing on her feed. 

There’d been a thousand and one emotions that burst through Azzi but she’d fixated specifically one of them; loneliness. It was a ridiculous thing to feel for a girl whose family had moved across the country for her; whose best friend had become her manager and followed her to a brand new state. But Azzi felt it every time she was alone, sometimes even when she was surrounded by hundreds of people. She was so fucking lonely. 

And that’s when she’d decided she wanted this baby, a baby she could love and a baby who’d love her back, a baby who would fill this aching whole in her heart. A baby that would be hers. 

Azzi would never be lonely again. 

“Yes,” she answers Tristan’s question without a hint of hesitation, “I’m keeping the baby.”

“Wow- okay- this is- sorry,” Tristan shakes his head, his previous casual demeanour having changed to something far more rigid, “this is just- it’s a lot to process.”

“I understand,” Azzi says gently, “take your time.”

Tristant stares down at the table for what feels like an eternity and when he looks up, well, Azzi doesn’t really know the man in front of her at all- hasn’t even had the chance to ask him his last name, but she knows what the guilt in his eyes means. She remembers seeing it when she’d met her own biological father, only once, only for an hour and never again but a snapshot of it has been saved to her brain ever since. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, standing up from the table, “I can’t do this. I’m not ready to be a father. I can’t have a baby. Fuck me. I’m barely an adult. I can’t take care of a child. I’m sorry, I just- I can’t.”

“I understand,” Azzi replies clinically even though her stomach lurches a little at the rejection, at the realization that her child would grow up with the ever-present question of why didn’t he stay, just like she had. 

Azzi hadn’t called Tristan for lunch with the intent of getting anything out of it. The plan had simply been to do her due diligence by telling the father of her child that she was pregnant. After that, the decision would be in his hands and she’d made peace with the fact this -what had just happened- could be one of the outcomes. She hadn’t come here under the guise of reconnecting, finding a husband or any of that, not when, even thinking of any of that -despite the fact that Paige is engaged to someone else- feels a little bit like cheating. But Tristan's response still stings. 

Because he might not have been her first option to raise a child with-really she’d only ever wanted any of that with one person- but Azzi thinks if he’d wanted to try, she would’ve liked having a partner to watch her child grow up with

“I’m sorry. I’m really, really, really sorry,” Tristan repeats again as he starts to back away, “I wish you-” his eyes flicker down to her stomach, “I wish both of you the best.”

Azzi nods, “thank you,” and the words of gratitude are for a little more than just his best wishes. 

Tristan pauses for one second, hesitating as he looks at Azzi's belly one more time with an indecipherable emotion in his eyes, something a little like regret. But it’s not enough to make him stay and Azzi watches, with a hand on her stomach, as he turns walks out of the restaurant. Through the window, she watches him walking down the street, getting smaller and smaller until he rounds the curb, disappearing out of sight. And Azzi lets out a breath she hadn’t even known she was holding. 

“Oh,” her head snaps towards the waitress, who’s carrying two plates of food and looking awkwardly at Tristan’s abandoned seat, “your uh- your friend- where is he?”

“He’s gone,” Azzi says quietly. 

“Is he coming back?”

“No,” Azzi shakes her head, “no, I don’t think he is.”

*** 

May 2033 

The memory burns against the back of Azzi’s eyelids as she lies, wide awake, in Paige’s guest room with Stephie tightly snuggled against her chest. She’s not sure what exactly had triggered the memory because honestly, she doesn’t think about Stephie’s father -her sperm donor to be more accurate- that often. He’d existed for a mere second in the clock of her life, disappearing almost as fast as he’d appeared. But there’s a part of Azzi that will always be thankful to him, because he’s part of the reason she has this beautiful little girl who’s sleeping in her arms. 

A little girl who she loves and who loves her back, a little girl who’d filled the aching hole in her heart. A little girl, that was hers. 

And Azzi hasn’t been lonely ever since she’d been handed her little girl. 

Until tonight. 

Her eyes drift to the other side of the bed and she can’t help but focus on just how empty it looks, can help but be immersed in the feeling of something’s missing. It’s the first night in weeks that the other side of the bed isn’t filled and everything about it feels so fucking wrong. Azzi sighs, resting her cheek on Stephie’s head as she rubs her hand up and down the little girl’s shoulder. She can’t sleep and she knows -by the little telltale frown on her daughter’s face- that the little girl might be asleep, but it’s the kind that’s deeply troubled. 

She’s just about to close her eyes for another unsuccessful attempt at letting her exhaustion lull her into a slumber, when she hears the sound of footsteps right outside her door. Azzi rises up slowly, gently disentangling herself from Stephie as she squints through the little gap between the door and the floor. It doesn’t take a genius to know who it is and Azzi’s heart thumps anticipation as she watches the shadow of feet pacing back and forth. Suddenly they disappear and disappointment -even it’s ridiculous to feel it after the events of the night- courses through Azzi. Sighing to herself again, she lays back down, closing her eyes. 

A minute later they shoot open at the sound of the door being pushed and Azzi sits back up again, something like relief -something like i’m so glad you’re here, i'm so glad you came back please don’t ever go again- rushing into her veins. It takes a second for her eyes to adjust to the sight of the figure in the dark but once they do, Paige is practically illuminated by the moonlight streaking through the windows.  The blonde looks at her, not a speckle of shock at the fact that she’s awake because Paige knows her, knows her the way Azzi had known Paige was awake too, knows that they’d never been particularly good at falling asleep after an argument. 

“Can’t sleep,” Paige admits out loud in a whisper, nervously shuffling her feet by the doorway. 

“Me neither,” Azzi confesses, her hands brushing through Stephie’s hair. 

Their revelations -and the i can’t sleep because i can’t sleep without you hidden behind them- hang in the air, waiting for the two of them to say anything else as they stare at each other in the dark room. 

Paige speaks first, stumbling towards the bed, “can I just-”

“Yes,” Azzi breathes out before the question’s even finished, “please.”

Despite the urgency in their words, Paige is slow, climbing into bed, like she’s waiting for Azzi to take it back. The blonde slips underneath the covers, her hands immediately moving to rub Stephie’s back where they collide against Azzi’s fingers and that lightest bit of contact elicits a breathy gasp from both of them. There’s so much still left to say, so much still left to fix, so much they’re not sure can be fixed, but as Azzi slowly lies back down, her fingers interlocking with Paige’s over Stephie’s tiny body, she thinks that she might not survive, if these fleeting moments don’t lead to forever.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA For telling my partner I'd like to bring my ex into our relationship?

I'm copying this over from r/relationship_advice, because the responses are giving me the impression they don't really get what polyamory is & I'm hoping tumblr does. For reference: there's me (29M), my ex (28, Trans Man), and my partner (30M).

My ex and I were best friends in high school, went to the same college, & dated through the tail end of undergrad, for about a year and change. We ended things on very good terms, the only reason we broke up was a difference in life paths: I stayed in the city to get my Master's, he traveled constantly for his work (he's a sculptor who makes these huge custom multimedia pieces, they're genuinely some of the most beautiful things I've seen). We fell out of touch for the most part, but I'd see him popping up on social media occasionally, or he'd text me when he was in town and we'd hang out, along with some other school friends.

The last time I saw him before our present situation was about 3 1/2 years ago today. We went out for drinks, he came back to my place after, and we ended up hooking up. He stayed in town for about a week, and we hooked up a few more times, and then he left again. He sort of dropped off the face of the earth after that, but he'd always been pretty sporadic, especially when he had a big project, so I didn't think much about it.

Not long after that, I met my current partner. He's truly one of my favorite people in the whole world; he's incredibly thoughtful, and earnest, and passionate about his morals & principles (he's an environmental lawyer), and more than anything, he's someone I never feel like I have to pretend with. He asked for my number, we had our first date a few days later, and ended up staying awake the entire night just talking about anything and everything, so we went ahead and got 5am pancakes and called it our second date. We've been together for a little over 3 years now, we've been moved in together for about 2, and while we've had the occasional fight or rough patch I can definitely say I love this man, and I plan to spend the rest of my life with him.

So, the big change.

About a year ago (~2 years since seeing my ex, my partner and I have lived together for about a year at this point), my partner and I are having a night in, and there's a knock at the door. It's my ex, looking absolutely ragged, holding a 15 month old baby. As in, a baby who was conceived 24 months before then. Yep, it's pretty much what you're guessing. I let them both in, we had a sit down in the kitchen, and he told me everything he'd been doing in the past 2 years in between me cussing him out for keeping it all from me in the first place. I really do want to keep this as short as possible, so to give you the super condensed version:

She's my daughter, he's completely sure about that, there's no one else he's been with the math is even close to correct for

The second he found out he was pregnant, he more or less panicked. He's got a whole Thing about feeling like he's irresponsible/not a "real" adult, and this really set him off, so telling me felt like "admitting to fucking both our lives up" at the time. His OB/GYN said some pretty awful shit to him about not being more careful as a trans man too, which just made it all even worse

Because of all that, he'd genuinely planned to just never tell me I have a daughter & raise her completely on his own, but a few things compounded to force his hand:

The birth was really rough on him, and his recovery was slow enough he was having trouble going back to work, to the point where money was getting tight

On top of that, our daughter has celiac disease, and between paying out of pocket for blood tests & spending more on baby food she's safe to eat, things got desperate enough he went and took out a really dodgy loan from a scummy payday company

He was at our door because all of this had finally spiraled to a point where he'd lost his apartment, they'd been sleeping in his car for about a week, and he couldn't think of anything else to do

I think I was probably feeling every human emotion in existence at the same time through all of this, but the thing I remember most from the whole conversation was the way my partner kept drifting right back to the baby, and the soft way he looked at her. We put my ex & daughter up in a hotel room for the night and told him we needed to talk, and we'd discuss our options in the morning, but I think even then I kind of knew what our answer was going to be.

Sure enough, for the last year and a half we've been co-parenting our little girl, all three of us. We didn't want to juggle who's got her, or force my ex to find a place to stay, so we've turned my partner's home office into our daughter's room, and redid most of the downstairs layout so my ex could move into an actual bedroom, rather than just sleep on our pullout couch in perpetuity. We finally succeeded in convincing him that rest and recovery was more important than trying to contribute to the house finances right away, and it's been magical watching all that stress and terror slowly fall off him. It's like he's a little more alive again every time I look.

Which is where my question comes in.

I'd like to restate, I love my partner 100%. None of this changes that whatsoever. If I ask, and he says no, that will be the end of the discussion for me completely. But I have eyes. My ex is, objectively, a very attractive man. I know we work well together, and I have to admit I'm very curious to see where that same chemistry could lead now that he's not on the other side of the country half the time. I've also been noticing these little moments between him and my partner. Nothing I'd consider crossing a line, but I've caught my partner checking my ex out several times, as well as vice versa, and they get along remarkably well. Sometimes I'll go to enter a room, and see them both sitting there laughing and chatting and playing with our baby, and I'll just hang back to watch because it makes me so happy.

Add to all that, we're pretty deeply ingrained in each other's lives now. My partner and I don't often go out on dates alone anymore, but the last few times we did it felt as if my ex was missing from the table. We watched a movie together last night, and my ex sat in the middle of us with his feet in my partner's lap and his head on my chest, and it felt just as natural as my arm on my partner's shoulder. It's not about just having sex with him, and it's not that I'd want to invite any old person into our relationship. I know we already all love each other, and I think there's potential for that to become romantic between the two of us and my ex.

It just feels as though we're all holding our breath, waiting for someone else to say it first. My ex certainly isn't going to bring it up when he's living rent free in "our" home (it's his home too, but he doesn't seem to see it like that yet). My partner grew up sheltered enough that I'm not sure he's ever heard of polyamory at all, so he's not going to bring it up. That just leaves me.

My problem is, if I'm wrong about what I think I'm seeing, or if I bring it up the wrong way, I can't take it back. I don't want my partner to feel insecure or betrayed, I don't want my ex to feel pressured or put on the spot, and I definitely don't want my daughter to lose any of us, which I know could happen if we aren't all on the same page. Or worse, if we do all date and it goes badly.

Should I just keep this whole thing secret? Is that even worse? Would I be the asshole for opening this can of worms on everyone else?

Help!

[roseadleyn]

Lidia‘s SA was handled even worse. Sjm would have lidia fuck Ruhn in mind at the same time she’s getting SA‘ed by her ex. Lidia never received proper time to heal from that sh*t. The moment Ruhnlidia made up in the third book they had mf sex.

Nesta had sex with Cassian right after getting SA‘ed by that weirdo kelpie from the lake, and that other time when Lanthys made her see that vision in which he SA‘ed her too. The SA from Tomas was also never properly acknowledged.

At least Gwyn had 2 years to recover. Most SA survivors in her books don’t receive much time to at least process it all before fucking. You’re telling me Rhys is all cool with going down on Feyre after 50 years of SA? Feyre can easily forget the sh*t Rhys did to her utm? Great.

If Gwynriel is canon, Sjm will most definitely fuck up her trauma like she always does.

Sjm: „Oh you were touched against your will?“

Sjm: „Here have a cock. That will heal you quickly!“

Worst of all is that the sex is always so… rough? Specifically for Nesta. At least worship her and make her feel safe instead of dicking her down like she‘s a good one night stand. Poor girl.

ya i'm just realizing that gwyn is at least not as bad as nesta or feyre or lucien or rhys or lidia. i haven't read any other sjm books but i know abt lidia and that's insane 😭 it's like she doesn't know how to write intimacy. it's like she thinks emotional connections only exist in sex.

it was insane how feyre only rescued lucien from being raped because she remembered her darling rhys and not because lucien is her first friend and also it's just the MORAL THING TO DO

( also why is it that everytime a couple fights in sjm's novels, they always have sex when they make up? i get that angry makeup sex is soo hot etc but like can no one have a conversation? can she not show how sometimes issues are talked out not fucked out? )

do NOT i hate how she wrote nesta i hate everything abt it. nesta was assaulted by tomas and when he found out he restrained her against the wall??? in the same manner tomas would have?? also i'm never going to forget how cassian tugged at the skirts of her dress and asked her 'what're you hiding under all this anyways?' without her consent, during a time in which they didn't like each other, and he was there on diplomatic purposes.

and i just checked but literally RIGHT after she was sa-ed by the kelpie, cassian not only had sex with her but he left her without any aftercare. bed still warm. rough sex as if she's a one night stand. she's sexually assaulted and then left wondering if cassian was 'punishing' her by leaving immediately. ugh i despise him i hate him.

and rhys? he literally has one (1) traumatic flashback to his trauma and whoop that's it yall we're done. and feyre wearing the same clothes she was wearing when she got assaulted for rhys, even though rhys was the one who assaulted her.

it pushes an extremely unhealthy narrative. very young girls (literally 15-16 year olds) read these books and they'll think these toxic, unrealistic, unhealthy dynamics are normal. it's so concerning and i hate the entire genre of dark romance for it but that's a story for some other angry rant

i hate the rough jackhammering sex. i fear she's gonna do the same shit with elain and lucien (😭). nesta deserves to be worshipped and praised and then given plenty of aftercare free my girlll

( for acotar stans who for some reason go into anti tags: do not interact u will be BLOCKED !!! okay bye 💋 )

[ben-pincus]

sleepover!

pairing : young! miguel o hara x young! reader (they’re besties.)

tags : fluff, sleepover, miguel has braces 🗣️, stalking your smelly ex on instagram and making a sticker out of his face, miniature pillow fight

summary : sleepover with 15 year old bestie miguel

—————————————

“no, no… click onto his account-“ he says quietly, trying not to wake his parents as you two giggle.

you click onto his account, and the two of you immediately start cackling.

he hits you mid laughing as he tries to muffle his laughs with a pillow.

“girl he looks like an ape!!” miguel wheezes, covering his mouth.

“stop he looked even worse when i was with him-“

“YOU WERE WITH HIM?!” he whisper-shouts in disbelief,

“nah girl, no way.” he giggles, screenshotting his post and opening snapchat, making a sticker out of his face.

you two giggle as you make your ex’s stickered face bigger and smaller. it’s that time of the sleepover when EVERYTHING is funny.

“did you seriously miss that part when i was with him?” you whisper.

“girl i was in mexico, i was NOT calling your ass.” he jokes playfully. he was in mexico though, and he was not calling your ass. he had more important things to do, like play smash or pass with the people by the pool.

“mhm, too preoccupied scoping out the milfs on the beach..” you mumble jokingly.

he slowly turns his head to you, his eye twitching.

“milf spotting is very important, mind you.” he whispers playfully.

“mhm, sure..”

“like you’re not saying ‘he’s beekeeping age’ to my own father.” he nudges, letting out a giggle.

“leave my future husband out of this..” you joke.

“leave my father out of this, you deranged psycho..” he whispers, giving you the most EVIL side eye.

“girl don’t side eye me.” you give him a side eye back.

“i’ll side eye you all i want.. cheeky bitch.” he whispers.

you whack the shit out of him with a pillow.

“OW!-“ he whisper yells, “i got my braces tightened literally yesterday you cunt!!!” he whispers, his hand coming up to his jaw.

“oh, call an ambulance.”

[wanderingmind867]

My take on Anarky (Lonnie Machin):

Lonnie Machin was born in sad conditions. He grew up in Crime Alley, raised by his single mother, Jean Machin. Jean was poor, so she relied on Lonnie for many things. He had to pull his weight and help his mom make ends meet. She was also sad often, living in her past constantly (since she'd attempted to have a kid before Lonnie, and it had ended with her nearly dying, and then with her losing her husband).

If you can't tell where i'm going with this, let me spell it out: Jean used to be the wife of Jack Napier. She did almost die in an accident with a bottle heater, and her unborn child did die in the womb. But she fell into a small coma (and was briefly mistaken for being dead). Around a week after her accident, she wakes up. And then she learns her husband's gone missing, and she's also lost her baby. So she just sits in the hospital crying.

But she slowly moves on, and she finds a new man. She fell in love with a man named James Machin, who was charming when she first met him. But James tried to keep Jean stifled, living as a homemaker while she raised their baby, young lonnie. Jean wanted to be an engineer, but her husband wouldn't let her be one. She had to be a homemaker. So when lonnie was six or seven, Jean finally gets a divorce, and she lives James far behind (taking lonnie with her).

In a few short years (when Lonnie is nine or ten), Jean goes back to school and manages to start training to be an engineer. Lonnie is in awe of his mom, and he follows her around reverently. As she leads union meetings, as she tells lonnie about how her bosses and coworkers treat her like a second class citizen, as she talks about how she lost her ex-husband jack, how life has been nothing but unfair to her.

Despite being a single mom learning to be an engineer and a proud union member, she always encourages lonnie's interests. They play chess together (and lonnie learns all about strategy), they talk politics and machinery and tech. Lonnie learns he loves to read, and the library becomes his second home. Whenever his mom is off at work (and lonnie's home early from school), Lonnie goes to the library and reads everything he can.

Lonnie ends up obsessed with politics, reading all sorts of books on communism and anarchism. Marx, Proudhon, Bakunin, Engels, etc. He also reads a lot of fantasy novels, stories of underdog heroes working their way from the bottom to the top, all just with their wits and cunning. It inspires Lonnie to dream of being a heroic rogue, saving society from itself.

When Lonnie is 15, his local library starts getting harassed by conservative parents, who get all the LGBTQ+ and Left-Wing Political books banned from the shelves. Around the same time, Lonnie's mom loses her job as an engineer, since her boss hired a dumb male who did the job worse, but who was willing to work without a union. All these things happening at once solidify to Lonnie that the world is unfair, and it leads him to begin planning his revenge. He owes it to his mom, and he owes it to all those society has oppresed.

A few weeks after the library gets censored of all "filthy material", the conservative city council members find everything is going wrong for them. Their appliances don't work, their computers are all broken, and lewd LGBTQ+ imagery has been plastered all over their homes. Similarly, his mom's old boss finds his home defaced with the hammer and sickle of communism, as well as quotes from all the great anarchist and communist thinkers. And his home has no power or electricity either.

Lonnie didn't view this as bold enough to get his message across, however. So he starts hacking into all the TVs throughout Gotham, and he starts preaching and leading people in union songs. He hides behind a cloak and a mask, but he goes by Anarky and he begins to form a popular front. In the end, he becomes a hero to his mom, and to working folk everywhere!

For his biggest and boldest stunt, Lonnie hacks into the Wayne Enterprises websites, and he successfully manages to steal all their records. All of it. He exposes the company for hiring scabs, for paying below minimum wage, for being a capitalistic machine of evil! And then he begins realizing that Batman must somehow have a connection to Mister Wayne. He never figures out they're the same person, but he quickly learns that Batman is a puppet of the status quo.

Angry and outraged that a superhero could be such a sellout, Anarky begins messing with Batman. He destroys his tech, he almost shuts down the Batcave, Lonnie comes very close to destroying Batman for good. It's only due to speed and luck that Batman manages to track down Anarky before he can find out Batman's true identity.

Now caught and exposed, Lonnie is sent to juvenile hall. But his name is still whispered in proud tones amongst all the poor and downtrodden of Gotham. The name of Anarky is still more popular than Batman in some circles. Because he represents real heroism. This 15 year old boy stood up for our rights, when no one else did. Anarky is revered as a modern robin hood, and he's stunned. But when he gets out of juvie hall, he knows there's still work to be done. He will stop the bat. And he will save this city from the festering rot of capitalism. So says Anarky, the voice of the voiceless!

PS: Yes, the story of Jean Machin wanting to be an engineer was stolen from a union song i've heard before. I've been listening to union music nonstop as I write this. So y'know, that helped me get in the mood for the character.

[yellow-faerie]

Could you talk about one of those Doctor Who aus?

Hello! Thank you anon for the ask :) I have a few AUs that I'm currently rotating in my head but my favourite at the moment is the one I just call The Modern AU - it's official name is The Doctor Project but that's not what I call it. This took me a hot minute to write up because it is a lot.

(Also if you wanted to hear about any of my other AUs, I put some brief descriptions in the tags :D)

The basic premise is that the Doctors are all human and a team that worked together for their variety of expertise during the early 2000s to repel an alien invasion and the effect it has on each of them and their general lives. Also the Tardis is there as the only sensible one of the lot.

Some doctors do have more story fleshed out than others, mostly due to the fact that I'm still quite new to a lot of the eu stuff like Big Finish and the books and certain Doctors I would feel better about having engaged with some more of it before getting some proper stories fledged out (mostly because I hope it will give me some more inspiration lol)

I'll put some more general outline below the cut for anyone interested :)

[Warnings: mentions of abuse, discussions of war and the aftermath, complicated relationships to disability, implied torture ]

First Doctor

So the First Doctor is the oldest of the bunch, a retired surgeon and medical doctor (he used to work at Royal Hope Hospital) who was brought into the Doctor project for his research into medicine.

He spent most of the War in London due to his old age making it difficult to run around cities infested with alien invaders but he does get sent out periodically (mostly when one of the others gets too injured to be moved from their current location which happens a few times).

He had a daughter, Gillian, when he was quite young but he and his wife split up, and his daughter spent most of her time with her mother instead. However, he was the one to gain custody of his daughter's daughter (Susan) when Gillian died as his ex-wife had also died.

When the Doctor was conscripted, Susan was about 15 and stayed with their neighbour Steven over the course of the war, and Vicki and Dodo, two girls he fostered as well while their parents were off fighting.

Due to the secure nature of the work that the Doctor Project was doing, she and her grandfather only exchanged a few letters over the course of each year, and they were always heavily edited, and she found herself finding a lot of the emotional support she was lacking from her two teachers at Cole Hill, Barbara and Ian.

When she left Cole Hill Sixth Form, a year before the war ended, she moved back into her grandfather's house but kept in contact with Barbara and Ian who helped her with finding a job and advice on living alone, etc. This would break GDPR and a host of other protection laws these days but it's the middle of an alien invasion, let's pretend that doesn't exist. They didn't know the Doctor at all until after the war when he returns and it's a bit weird for everyone.

Especially since Ian is completely furious at him for leaving his granddaughter alone, mostly because people meet Susan and get the immediate urge to protect her; they do mostly get over that particular hurdle though as more comes out about how the war ended, although the Doctor doesn't help matters much by being his usual grouchy self.

His usual grouchy self made worse by the fact that everything has changed a lot since he had left home. Susan is in training to be a nurse and has these faux-parental figures she trusts so implicitly, and is decidedly more wary around him; he has also been fundamentally changed by living four years in various bunkers while working against an invisible clock to defeat a foe more technologically advanced that they are.

Eventually things do settle down: Ian and the Doctor apologise to each other, Susan and the Doctor have enough heart-to-hearts that it clears the air between them, that sort of thing.

There's not a whole lot of plot to any of the First Doctor's stuff but the vibes and the setting are pretty much in place.

Second Doctor

The second doctor is probably about forty when he's conscripted and he was a physics lecturer at St. Andrews university, specialising in sound and acoustics and waves, that sort of thing. He invented several new versions of sound systems which is what got him noticed for the Project.

St. Andrews is where he meets Jamie, actually, who was working as a guard; they bonded over a mutual love of music, Jamie in particular on the bagpipes, and then over other mutual interests.

I'm imagining they got married before the war (as this is an alternate history anyway, I'm making gay marriage legal earlier because no-one can stop me) when Jamie went on to fight in the army and the Doctor got conscripted into the project. Both of them being in different deployments so regularly meant letter writing was even more difficult.

After the war, the Doctor gives up the whole lecturing thing, as the project had left him with a bad taste in his mouth over the work he had been doing. Instead, he takes his knowledge of music and goes into conducting an orchestra, as well as giving music lessons on the side.

In like...any instrument; he's not even very good at playing a lot of them but he has the technical know-how to make someone else very good at playing them, if they can get past his eccentricities.

Zoe is the first violin in the orchestra who he gives personal tutoring too in a vague attempt to get her to put some feeling into her music. She's technically very brilliant and knows her way around most string instruments with almost military precision, but she was taught in a very wooden way and the Doctor is attempting to bring that out of her.

Victoria, on the other hand, takes piano lessons from him except she's around like four times a week and barely ever actually plays the piano and they always give her supper because her home life is...not the greatest. Her father's very absent and her mother's dead. It's all a bit iffy.

Eventually, Jamie probably calls Social Services who are overstretched in the aftermath of the war as it is, but she manages to find herself to a very nice foster family (the Harris') who make sure she keeps having her piano lessons. Although they continue not to really be piano lessons.

[I feel that I should put a note on Ben and Polly here; they are sort of known to both One and Two as Polly is Barbara's niece (and quite close to her aunt) and Ben is Two's half brother (but not that close all things considered) - they are the sort of people who come around for birthdays and Christmas and the one off weekend, and give you very thoughtful advice and presents, but that's sort of the limit of your relationship with them.]

Third Doctor

The Third Doctor studied chemistry at university, trying out multiple different branches, and had managed to get noticed for a variety of things such as creating a few new medications, discovering the compounds of some rarer chemicals, that sort of thing (I will admit, I don't know what makes a chemist famous).

Sarah Jane is his younger sister by about twenty years: when she was younger, she had a bit of a hero worship of him going on but nowadays she's much more sensible.

He worked at Cambridge with Liz before the war, and a lot of the breakthroughs they made together; they (and by they I mean the Doctor has while Liz is facepalming in the background) have a bitter rivalry with the Oxford researcher Emil Masters (the Delgado Master).

They are married but they keep that out of their professional rivalries.

After the war, however, the Doctor stays with UNIT. He's the only one of the doctors to do this and it's mostly because he doesn't trust that unit won't make terrible decisions with the research the Doctor Project produced, so he stays as a Scientific Advisor and pokes his nose into everyone's business to keep his conscience clean.

Jo is his assistant as per canon, only now she is being invited around for supper four times a week at his house and is probably inheriting everything that both the Master and the Doctor own when they eventually die.

They turn up to her wedding to Cliff when her parents don't.

Once again, this is incredibly vibes based rather than very much plot; there's probably going to be something to do with Jo falling out with her family, but that's about as far as I got with it. It's mostly fluff at this point lol.

[Also a note about the incarnations of the Master: while the doctors aren't actually related, the incarnations of the Master are because I find that entertaining, and also there are less of them]

Fourth Doctor

The Fourth Doctor is an environmental activist before the war! He got a PhD in ecology and then proceeded to throw away a promising career in academia (his parents' words) to gallivant around the planet doomsday prophesying.

What he's actually doing is blackmailing people into implementing climate saving machines, etc. so that he isn't Doomsday prophesying; he actually meets Sarah doing this because they both get thrown in prison for getting nosy around a nuclear power plant and thus is the start of a beautiful friendship/relationship, it's really unclear to everyone else.

He has two sisters; Winifred (although everyone calls her Fred) who is Romana I, and Romana who is Romana II. Romana turns 18 just before the war and Fred turns 25 around the same time, while the Doctor is 30ish.

Romana immediately joins MI6 (she had always wanted to be in the secret service) and the Doctor gets roped into the Doctor project, which means that when Fred dies during the war, neither of them get informed for months due to the lack of proper communication channels.

This is something they both feel very guilty about, especially considering the fact that they have two nephews who got immediately lost in the overworked system without any other relative around who could look after them.

Anyway, also during the war, the Doctor gets captured by the aliens, and held for a good few months; he barely ever acknowledges that this ever happened to anyone, even when he is literally hospitalised after rescue. He just...pretends that everything is fine and dandy actually.

His doctor is actually Harry who then gets roped into the whole Very Secret Doctor Project thing for like a month until the Doctor was determined to no longer need constant observation etc and then he's just sent back to his ship.

However, Harry has better communication with home than the Doctor, and also shore leave, so he's sent to basically tell Sarah Jane that the Doctor is alive and alright - they immediately hit it off and so after the war, Harry and she hang out a lot until he's also living in the house with her, the Doctor and their gaggle of foster children (their are a lot of orphans after the war and so the three of them foster).

The actual content of their relationship is debateable - they could be a throuple, it could be that two of them are a couple and the other is third wheeling like a boss, it could be that none of them are romantically involved at all - but they do care for each other a lot.

Also the children are Luke and Sky from SJA and Leela, who's probably about 16. They have a dog, too, called K9 because the Doctor has called every dog he has ever owned since he wasa child K9, and just added a MK on the end; currently they're on Mk IV.

After the war, they just sort of settle back into what they were doing before; Sarah Jane writes for her newspapers and magazines, Harry takes up a civilian doctor's position again at New Hope and the Doctor returns to blackmailing people into Doing Better, only none of them are all that alright after the war and hiding it affects how well they are with other people.

There are some arguments had, mostly with the Doctor and Sarah Jane as Harry is much more mild mannered - with each other, with various siblings, with annoying work colleagues - until they at least admit that something is wrong, and then they go from there.

Fifth Doctor

The Fifth Doctor is the computer guy. He studied computer science at university and as well as developing quite a lot of high level software, he also developed cheaper hardware storage stuff.

With a lack of people I wanted to make him related to, I made him a Cranleigh - I think this was so he could go to boarding school and hate literally everything about it apart from cricket. His notes say that he cuts most communication with his family after going to university so they're not that important to the story.

During the war, he gets caught under a collapsing building at one point which causes nerve damage to his spine which affects the communication between his legs and his brain, periodically causing the connection to short out and his legs to collapse; the collapsed building also means that he can get quite a lot of pain in his legs, and should really be using crutches (only he forgets to bring them with him a lot).

Before the war, he works for some sort of big tech company who fund a lot of his research but after the war he doesn't particularly want to do research any more - nor work for a big tech company - and goes on to lead the IT department at Royal Hope. Which consists of Turlough (who is there because he needs a job after school and he heard that IT jobs were really easy actually) and possibly a few other characters (I've heard of some that exist in audio format, so when I get there, I may edit this).

He also fosters two kids in the aftermath of the war: Adric, who's mother was Fred and who's older brother died in the time that they were lost in the foster system, and Nyssa, who's father Tremas Masters (the Ainley Master) got imprisoned for murdering both of his wives and very sweetly asked his old university roommate if he might very kindly look after her for him.

Tegan is Nyssa's girlfriend and is subsequently always around at their house, to the point that the Doctor just gave her a key and makes supper expecting that she'll be there.

As for Peri, she and the Doctor meet at the local garden centre, and now she comes around to help look after his garden because her apartment is too small for a proper one (she and Six keep saying that they're saving up for an actual house but that might be a commitment too far).

There are the inklings of an actual plot idea I had here? In my head, somehow the Master escapes prison and intends on escaping the country with his daughter, only the Doctor is like no??? You can't do that to Nyssa??? And someone gets hospitalised.

[A note about Royal Hope, and also Cole Hill, and other reoccurring places: occasionally, the characters coincidentally working at these places is an actual coincidence, but the rest of the time it's because the Tardis has a lot of sway with people and she is always pushing the doctors and their friends to work in similar places so that they actually talk to each other again.

Or something like that. Honestly it's just plot contrivance because I like putting them in the same working environment, it makes it easier for me]

Sixth Doctor

The Sixth Doctor studies law and philosophy, being a lawyer both before and after the war. He's a really good one too, just really obnoxious.

I don't have a lot for the Sixth Doctor yet because I know he has a few audios that I want to listen to for some ideas, but I am very fond of the two seasons we got of him so here's what I have:

Peri meets the Doctor because he represents her in court when she's fighting her stepfather over something; after the court case (which they win) they go out for a few dates, and even though he's obnoxious and incredibly big-headed, he's also weirdly sweet and gentlemanly and so they get together officially.

Then the war starts and the idle talk they had of getting married/getting a house gets pushed aside while the Doctor joins the project and Peri helps with farm work by using her botany to develop crop something or other.

The war really did affect the Doctor. When he was younger, he suffered from Bipolar Depression but got it under control with medication and therapy, but the war and it's aftermath dragged that out of the depths which definitely put an extra strain on his and Peri's relationship.

When it's really bad, he did try to strangle her (like in the show) which did cause her to leave; but she does come back eventually, after the Doctor calls to apologise, and he does get it back under control.

At some points, it's really not the healthiest relationship, but it doesn't stay like that forever; it's something I really want to get into with my writing and I have the outlines of a fic over the period that he and Peri spend sort of separated.

On a lighter note, some of the other characters of the era! The Master keeps appearing on his doorstep after escaping prison looking for help and the Doctor keeps refusing to give it because he did try to kill Five; he once is a prosecutor against the Rani for unethical experimentation and she straight up sends a hit out against him; the Valeyard is his coworker who hates the Doctor a lot more than the Doctor hates him; and Mel is straight up just his personal trainer at the gym who got WAY too invested in his life.

Seventh Doctor

The seventh doctor is a high level tactician for the MOD before the war, and is actually one of the ones to help collect the other doctors together. He actually continues to do his MOD job while doing the Doctor Project which means he's the only doctor to really have a good understanding of what's happening around the world in real time.

However, he doesn't really have anyone to write home about. He grew up in foster care and it took a lot of effort to get to where he was at the outbreak of war, and so he didn't exactly have that many friends about.

The exception to that is Mel who he grew up with in part and so he does send her the odd letter.

After the war, he gets made redundant by the MOD and goes on to become a PE teacher at Cole Hill; he always dresses like he might be lecturing on politics or history, and stands on the sidelines while watching the students. Or he actually lectures on history or politics; honestly the amount of PE that's done is reliant on the mood.

He also ends up living with Ace; officially, she's his foster daughter, but she's so fiercely independent that she insists that they're roommates and he was willing to accept that.

I wish I did have more for him but I'm hoping that as I get through the Audios and books and such like, I'll get a better understanding of his era and the characters around it to make something a bit more developed.

Eighth Doctor

I'm only eight or so audios into this doctor's travels with Charley, and I have yet to read the Eighth Doctor Adventures (although I am looking to) so this isn't at all a complete section.

The Doctor is an expert in psychiatry and neuroscience, specifically in memory, mostly due to his own issues with memory throughout his childhood.

I'm still debating what the actual cause of the memory issues are, but I'm thinking that it might be because he had epilepsy as a child that was believed to have gone as he grew into adolescence but returned due to one (or multiple) head injuries during the war. I know there are certain types of epilepsy that can really affect the memory.

Either way, the Doctor also seems to be a bit of a romantic and very easily swept up in someone else's life; I see him, before the war, having a disastrous marriage to Grace Holloway which breaks down over four years of not seeing each other and ends in divorce as Grace returns to the states.

After the war, I think that he rents out the rooms in his house which is how he meets Charley, but that's about as far as I can really go with other relationships in his life because I haven't seen anything else of his stuff.

Ninth Doctor

The Ninth Doctor is an expert in mechanical engineering and is the one who does the main body of creating the Moment (the thing that takes out the alien invader's mothership).

He is the son of the War Doctor who's the General who Seven went to with his idea of creating a project to end the war, and the one who officially leads them. He mostly raised the Doctor single-handedly but was not exactly the most caring man in the universe.

The Doctor has a lot of very complicated feelings about his father which don't really get resolved because he (the War Doctor) sacrifices himself to set off the Moment.

Anyway, the Doctor never really wanted to get into Academics and become some sort of fantastic mechanical engineer but his father really pushed it (especially when it became clear the Doctor would never join the army); so after the war, he becomes a sort of freelance mechanic and works with Mickey.

Which is where he meets Rose. Rose often comes to visit Mickey at the end of his shifts because they're friends and live close together, and so she and the Doctor meet regularly there until they are both like...want to go travelling?

Rose was 19 when the war started, and runs the Bad Wolf magazine which she basically created at the beginning as a sort fo morale booster and also because she didn't like how the newspapers were reporting and wanted to make something that wasn't filtered through a hundred government filters; Sarah Jane actually writes for it during the war and on occasion afterwards, and is quite a good friend of Rose's for all that they don't see each other face-to-face all that often.

Still, after the war, sales of Bad Wolf kinda drops off a bit but Rose really loves the magazine and so wants to try something different: she wants to travel so she can see the world, and show people how people are rebuilding and getting their lives back in the aftermath (and help out where she can). She tells the Doctor this and then he offers her his van, and they start travelling together.

They live out the back of his van for years and they're quite happy to do it; they get married in Paris, periodically come back to visit Jackie (who is naturally rather displeased about this life choice they've made - although it's fine because they paid for her to come to Paris for the wedding), and just generally having a good time. They're like van lifers except not obnoxious about it, and when they eventually have Mia, they move back to the UK somewhat permanently (they still travel on holidays) so that she is living somewhere steady and permanent in her upbringing.

We also can't forget about Jack - he was a pilot during the war who also wrote for Bad Wolf, usually entertaining and slightly flirty pieces, and after the war, Rose and the Doctor invited him to travel with them after a few years. When they settle down in London, he moves to Cardiff for a bit on a 'journey of self discovery' where he meets the various Torchwood team (I have to admit I haven't got around to watching Torchwood yet).

He is Mia's godfather (so is Mickey, and Shareen is her godmother) and he dotes on her like no-one's business.

Tenth Doctor

The Tenth Doctor is an expert in anthropology and archaeology. He's Donna's little brother although there isn't much of an age difference between the two of them.

Of all the doctors, he's probably the one I've had the hardest time with.

I know he has a wife who died during the war (I'm thinking that this might be Astrid, for lack of someone better), and that Donna's boyfriend Lee died during the war as well - a lot of people did, during bombings and attacks and that sort of thing - and that with his wife he had a daughter (Jenny) (although I'm also playing around with the idea that he also had a younger daughter, that being Sally - as in Sally from Blink).

In the aftermath of the war, then, he and Donna move in together to help each other out, and eventually their mother and grandfather join them as old age arrives.

Donna meets Shawn in the aftermath and they get on well, and have a very healthy relationship and marriage. On the other hand, we have the Doctor who has the worst situationship ever with Martha.

In the aftermath of his wife's death, he meets Martha who got her medical licence during the war and has been working at Royal Hope since then, and I know that they probably hook up a few times in what is absolutely not recommended.

This is where I get a bit stuck on how things develop from here. I've been getting fonder and fonder of Tenmartha as I think on it more (although Martha does not deserve him) but I do quite like the idea of the two of them coming out of trying to force a relationship and being like...oh we're much better and healthier as friends.

Also, although that epilogue for them came out of nowhere, I do think that Mickey and Martha have a lot of potential as a couple.

There's a lot more I would like to develop here but I shall see what happens as I start writing some more of this.

Eleventh Doctor

The Eleventh Doctor was chosen for his mathematical skill. He's also the youngest of all of them, having just finished his PhD at age 20 as the war broke out.

He's the adopted son of Brian, so Rory's younger brother by a few years, and used to follow him and Amy around like a duckling that had imprinted on the closest moving thing. He did end up going to university quite young (honestly like most of the rest of the doctors) and it's there that he met Strax, Vastra and Jenny who took him under their wing as they were older students.

The war happens before he can really start a job and after the war, he struggles for a bit to find his place, but eventually ends up working with his old university friends in the Paternoster Detective Agency.

Amy and Rory get married after the war - Rory is a nurse at Royal Hope, which he was training for before the war, and Amy is a painter. She always intended on being a model or something like a fashion reporter, but during the war she found painting brought her (and others) the joy that could sometimes be very lacking in such a desperate time.

Her favourite artist is Vincent van Gogh.

They have Melody, although her birth is rife with complications, and so they decide to settle very happily with just the one daughter. She is doted on so completely by everyone, especially her uncle; there's a period when she's like four or five when she is convinced that the Doctor is a secret agent of some sort and gets really into all the spy sort of things.

She makes him play dress up with her and she calls herself River Song because it sounds cool and secret-agenty and the Doctor is her quirky sidekick.

[I debated with putting River Song in as a separate character but I wasn't quite sure what I would do with her? There's potential there for an AU of sorts where she is there, but I unfortunately never quite vibed fully enough with River for her to be a major player in the Main AU]

He lives with the Ponds for a bit after the war, and then moves in with Craig, but when Craig moves out with Sophie, he mopes about it and moves back in with the Ponds.

It's around this time that he meets Clara; she's an English teacher at Cole Hill and her mother went missing nearly five years ago. After trying to get the police to do anything at all, and then saving up the money, she hires the Paternoster gang to find out what happened.

What actually happened is still a bit of a mystery, but she definitely isn't still alive, which the Doctor is the one to tell her the news.

I don't think I'm going to do anything romantic with them but I do think they're quite cute together, so I might dabble. But also I quite like the Doctor being aro and I can see him just living with the Ponds and never leaving.

Twelfth Doctor

The Twelfth Doctor is an astrophysicist. He's spent a lot of his life developing telescopes and astral bodies, but after the war, he mostly just lectures. He's such a longstanding part of St Luke's university that they probably couldn't fire him for anything short of murder.

He's married to Missy quite young, actually, although they never had children; she has spent like half of their marriage in prison though, and now spends most of her time hanging around the Doctor's office being annoying to all his students.

During the war, he did get blinded. It's something he has a complicated relationship with, and does not like it when people mention it around him. He uses a cane when he moves around and wears sunglasses because it hides that his eyes aren't necessarily looking at the person he's talking to.

Again, he has a complicated relationship with it.

Nardole is his teaching assistant, only he's massively overbearing about every aspect of the Doctor's life (only he just manages to be endearing enough that the Doctor doesn't just fire him on the spot).

Bill is, like in canon, someone the Doctor tutors, only now instead of getting to see the galaxy, she has he, Missy and Nardole giving her wildly different yet equally terrible dating advice, which somehow works to get her with Heather.

As for Clara, I genuinely don't know what to do with her; she's such a big part of the Twelfth Doctor's story that I do really want to have her be an important character, but I don't know how. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear them!

Thirteenth Doctor

The Thirteenth Doctor is an expert in microbiology. She's a government researcher into disease for the few years before the war, but after the war, she becomes an A&E nurse. She found that she preferred chaos and wanted something that was less science based but still within her interests.

She's fostered by Graham as a child, which is how she knows him, and subsequently how she comes to know Ryan and Grace, when Graham meets them. Her mother was Tecteun who she was taken away from when she was twelve due to the fact that Tecteun was a piece of shit (as in canon).

She wrote a lot to all of them during the war; out of all the Doctors, she probably spent the most writing letters (apart from maybe Six who wrote to Peri...so much, he spent so much time agonising over writing letters to her).

She knew Yaz from school and they both moved to London after the war - they met up again when they both returned from the war, and they decided that a change of scenery from the place they grew up might do them good.

London was one of the main targets during the war so there was a lot of practical work and training to do in both the police force and in nursing (which is what the Doctor wants to go into); they stay in shared accomodation and volunteer to help with the rebuilding effort in some of their free time.

When the rebuilding is mostly finished and everything has started to even out again, they stay in London; the Doctor has a job at Royal Hope and Yaz has found her footing in the local police force. They visit Sheffield a lot though, and invite Ryan to stay with them a lot, so he can get away from all the Old People.

Fourteenth Doctor

The Fourteenth Doctor technically doesn't exist. The Doylist reasoning for this is because there was far too little that separated the Fourteenth Doctor out to make him his own character in a modern AU; the Watsonian is because there was meant to be a Fourteenth member of the Doctor Project but he died in transit to the first meeting. Out of respect, the rest skip over the number that was meant to be his.

I've played around with the idea that the Fourteenth and the Tenth Doctor were siblings/related/possibly twins but I think this might be more of an AU sort of thing.

Fifteenth Doctor

Obviously we haven't had the Fifteenth Doctor's actual first season yet or much of anything for him (very excited for it though) so this is very much a work in progress - I'll make more decisions about his story after the season has come out and I've watched it; from vibes alone though, I think he'd be possibly an expert in sociology, and after the war he would own a club or something similar, where Ruby would get herself a job.

Notes and Stuff

Congratulations for getting this far lol! This AU is very precious to me and gets bigger every time I watch a new episode/listen to a new drama/rewatch/relisten/etc.

There are a few general things I'd probably note: all the Doctors have like...actual names (mostly John or a variation there of) but I refer to them all as the Doctor because that's what rolls off the tongue more easily.

Another thing is Idris/the Tardis - on one hand, the original idea was that she would die and her funeral would be the thing to get the Doctors back together so to say, but the more I think about it, the more I would like her to live.

I'm planning on writing some fic for this AU and posting it to AO3 - there's a Sixperi fic I really want to write, and I'm a sucker for some family fluff with various Doctors - and I might draw some stuff, so stick around if you're interested :)

I've only been really into Doctor who for four or five months, and with such an expansive EU (and frankly, such a lot of main content), there's a lot I don't know (although I very much intend to know it one day). If you got this far, I would honestly love to hear your general thoughts and ideas on the AU, a lot of the Eleventh Doctor stuff I worked out was developed from conversation I had with a friend!

Anyway, thank you for getting this far! And thank you for the ask to let me ramble, it took me a while to get all the rambling together but now I've finished, I'm really pleased I got here.

[backtothefanfiction]

As It Was

Summary: Javier has finally come back home, hoping his new demons from Columbia will drown out the ones he originally ran away from. Unfortunately, he’s not having much luck.

Word Count: 2.3K

Warnings: mentions of a car accident and relative/old girlfriend death

(This is just an introductory chapter, but other chapters may include smut. All will be marked with correct warnings)

A/N: this has been sat in my drafts for a couple weeks now. I had hoped to write the whole thing and drop it in one go, but seeing as I’m back to writing my book I don’t know when I’ll come back to it and it’s too good not to share. I was going to make this a reader insert however the opportunity to use Taylor Swift songs and do perspectives from the female characters perspective labelled Taylor’s Version was too good an opportunity to pass so it is an OFC fic (I hope that’s okay). Anyway this is the first in this little mini series inspired by Harry Styles songs and I hope you enjoy. So without further ado, welcome to Javi’s House!

ONE : As It Was

Javier didn’t want to come home. He’d been running for so long he didn’t even know what home was anymore. He wasn’t a complete asshole so of course he had been back once or twice to visit his Dad; but whenever he had, he had never actually left the farm. That was unless he absolutely had to, or he was headed back to the airport to travel to wherever the DEA sent him next.

For the longest time, Javier thought his demons from everything that happened back home would forever haunt him and be his boogeyman, but after nearly 15 years working for the DEA and his countless years spent in Columbia, everything back home finally felt like the lesser of two evils. So here he was, back living on his Father’s ranch, hoping that the moment he set foot back in town, it would be easier than when he was 21.

“Ey, hijo,” Chucho said, slapping a hand on his son’s shoulder over the back of the couch, “what do you want for dinner? I’m gonna call down to Annette’s, grab something to take out tonight.”

Javier rubbed at his face as he tried to remember who Annette was and what type of restaurant she had. Annette had been a school friend of his Father’s. She’d opened up a small bar and restaurant in town back in the 60’s. They usually had local talent playing on a stage in the corner on weekends and Javier had many memories as a child of being taken there as a kid.

“That place still open?” Javier frowned slightly as he looked back at his Father to find he had stepped away to potter in the open plan kitchen on the far side of the house, getting himself a scrap of paper and pen to note down the order ready to call.

“Yeah,” Chucho sighed as he made his way back over to Javi, a slightly pained expression on his face that he attempted to hide. His father’s health had been yet another reason why Javier had come home. He knew his Father was stubborn. They’d spoken multiple times over the years about either hiring some help or his Father selling up and retiring properly; but the ranch had been his parent’s dream and he knew his father would never give it up before he completely ran himself into the ground first. “You know,” Chucho added, “they did it up last year, looks really nice. Annette’s aunt died and left her some money, so they spent it on doing the place up. Looks real modern and nice. They redid the stage and everything.”

“Nice.” Javier nodded nonchalantly as he turned his head back towards the TV and the evening news. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t seem to step out of his old life completely. And every time he saw the boats on the river at the back of his Father’s property, it only made things worse.

“I’m gonna order the ribs.” Chucho said to himself proudly, as if he was getting himself a real treat, as he flicked through a leaflet in his hands. Annette’s place was more of a cafe by day, bar and restaurant by evening; and although she had long stopped doing take out food in the evening, she always made an exception for Chucho. “What about you, Javi?”

“Huh?” Javier said, struggling to pull himself away from the TV, “Ribs? Yeah, sounds good.”

“Eh, son,” Chucho sighed, looking from Javier to the TV, “you should really stop watching that crap. Your life is here now-”

“I know, but-”

“But- nothing.” Chucho said, reaching for the remote and turning the TV off. “Aye, Javi,” he sighed again, feeling pity for his son. He knew things hadn’t been easy for him over the years; losing his mother, the accident, his life fighting that mad man Escobar- he just wished his son still believed that he could have peace and a happy life- like he did- but Chucho knew better. He knew how much his wife’s death had affected the way he had raised his son alone. His own demons bleeding through, teaching Javi to hold on, instead of letting go.

“Why don’t you go into town to pick it up.” Chucho suggested, “See how different things are there for yourself. You’ll soon see things aren’t the same as they once was.”

Javier was reluctant, but in the end agreed. After all, he had chosen to come back and live here for good now. He couldn’t just hide away anymore.

▙▚▜▞▙■▞▟ ▚▜▞▙■▞▟ ▚▜▞▙■▞▟

The last time Javier had gone into town, it had still looked like it had in his youth. Paint chipped murals on the side of buildings. Flaking paint around the edges of shop windows. Certain shops, long boarded up, others more recently shut for good. But a recent benefactor had invested a lot of money into doing the place up. New trendy shops and cafes lined the street, scattered amongst the old familiar traders such as the butcher’s and the fishmongers- there was even an arcade now for the local kids. As Javier pulled into a spot at the side of the road, just a little ways up from Annette’s, he couldn’t help but let his eyes linger on a particular hair salon across the road.

The last time he had seen it, it had still been boarded up, remnants of the smashed headlights and brick, still scattered amongst the broken glass of the shop window from where the car had spun out of control and driven straight into it.

The memory burned through him, the sound of the car horn from how her body had slumped against the steering wheel, suddenly echoed in the back of his mind. He closed his eyes and forced the memory to go away, attempting to replace it with the memories of more recent horrors. ‘It’ll get better he told himself’, as he composed himself once more, shaking off all of the memories and climbing from the cab of his truck. He can still feel the memory haunting and calling for him to look back, but the sounds of the crowd and music down the road at Annette’s called louder- along with a need for Annette’s famous ribs in Jack Daniel’s BBQ sauce.

As he steps closer, he sees what his Father meant. Annette really has done the place up. The old windows now fold open, people spilling out onto tables under a veranda on the street. Quirky halogen bulb string lights go back and forth in lines, both inside and outside. All of the old tables and chairs have been replaced, making way for new freshly sanded pine tables and benches with metal legs and where the old stage used to be a small thing tucked in the corner, it now spans most of the right wall inside. The bar itself didn't look too much different, the stools were the same old beer bottle top inspired seats, but all the taps looked new, including a couple extras for some local craft beers.

The place was heaving, people chatting loudly over background music from the jukebox whilst a few members of a band began setting themselves up on stage. Javier checked his watch- five minutes to seven- the live music on the weekends always started at seven, nice to know some things hadn’t changed.

“Hi, can I help.” A cheerful young voice said from behind the bar, drawing Javier’s attention away from the stage and back to the task at hand.

“Uh, yeah,” he said to the blonde who couldn’t be that much older than 21 herself, “I’m picking up an order for Chucho.” he shouted back across to her.

“Oh you must be Javi,” she smiled, “Annette said you’d be stopping by, she said you’d just gotten back from Columbia.”

“Uh, yeah.” Javier gave her a polite but small smile that told her he didn’t really want to talk about it.

She hesitated a second, not sure how to respond, “Uh, I’ll just go back and check on the food for you.” she quickly said uncomfortably, as she began to make her way out through a door on the far right side of the bar.

Javier rubbed at his face and sighed. He felt bad for making her uncomfortable, she was only doing her job, but he had always found small talk arbitrary.

A sudden tap, tap, tapping on a microphone burst through the speakers and Javier found himself turning, along with the rest of the patrons of Annette’s, towards the stage where a guy- not too younger than Javier- now stood center stage, ready to announce the band.

“How we all doing tonight?” the man cried and the crowd, scattered around the bar, began to hoot and holler and whistle. “I’m glad to hear it!!!” he replied and the crowd began to settle a little. “Now, although we all know you love coming out for Annette’s signature sauce, we know you come out on a Friday for these guys even more!” He said, and the crowd began to holler again, as a young brunette climbed up onto the stage behind him, nodding and smiling to her bandmates, as the guy from Annette’s continued to introduce them. “So without further ado, their your favorites and ours, give it up, for BlueBirds on a Wireeeeee!!”

The lights went down and a couple of spotlights switched on, illuminating the stage and when the young woman who fronted the group stepped forward, Javier was sure he was looking at a ghost. “Good evening everyone, we’re so happy to be back here at Annette’s to entertain ya’ll this evening,” she beamed and the crowd roared as the band began to play the intro to a Dolly Parton country classic, “ To get everybody going we thought we’d start with a good ol’ country sing-a-long!” she continued to encourage the crowd. “Are you ready?!” The crowd cheered back- before they all began to sing Jolene.

Javier couldn’t take his eyes off of her. She looked and sounded just like- the sound of the door behind the bar swinging open and closed behind him, broke Javier from his thoughts. “Here you go. Two portions of ribs with extra chips and onion rings.” the young blond said, placing a white plastic bag on top of the bar.

Caught off guard, Javier quickly scrambled around in the pocket of his jeans for his wallet. “Uh, how much is it?” he asked loudly over the band and the singing crowd.

“Don’t worry about it.” the blond said back, “Annette says she owes Chucho anyway.”

“Oh, okay.” Javier said, reaching to grab the handles of the carrier bag, as the singing of the crowd grew louder.

‘Jolene, Jolene, JOLENE, JOLEEENNEE, I’M BEGGING OF YOU PLEASE DON’T TAKE MY MAN!”

“Wow,” Javi said, looking from the crowd, back to the young woman behind the counter, “is it always like this?”

She smiles, “When the Bluebird’s play? Yes!” she shouted back over the noise, before she went back to wiping the bar top and unloading glasses from the washer.

Javier knew he should leave, get the food back home to his Dad before it went cold, but he couldn’t seem to pull himself away. Whether it was the comradery of the crowd, a sense of family and belonging he hadn’t felt in a long time, or the memory that currently stood before him on the stage he wasn’t sure.

When the song ended, the crowd erupted into applause, causing the brunette on stage to take a small bow, before she gave a small wave to a couple regulars who sat near the front of the stage.

When the crowd finally died down, she brought the microphone back up to her lips. “Now, as you all know, it’s been 20 years now since I lost my older sister, not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. So, if it’s alright with you, for our next song, I’d like to sing an original piece we’ve written in her memory called ‘Summer’, is that alright with you?” she cried into the crowd and they all clapped and whistled in support.

Smiling, if not a little teary eyed from the support, the young brunette stepped back from the microphone to where the guitarist of the band held out an acoustic guitar for her, that she slipped over her head. She gave him a small smile and a nod before she stepped back up to the microphone stand again and the crowd gave another cheer of support. She cleared her throat, strummed a G chord once, as if to ready herself, then she began to play.

The summer breeze, reminds me of how things used to be,

Holding hands and climbing trees, mhmmm,

You showed me how and helped me get back on my feet,

When I would fall and scrape my knees, mhmm,

Drinking grape sodas we would laugh in the back of the car,

The windows down we would sing, though we never went far, oh’

As the chorus kicked in, so did the rest of the band.

In the stars I will see you on those summer nights,

Running through the park chasing neon lights,

Laughing in the dark and those weekend fights,

Being with you all day and all night

Kissing in the dark like I couldn’t see

Showing how to love and setting me free

Summer you’ll be standing right next to me

Forever, forever for the world to see.

As the brunette sang, her lyrics triggered memory after memory- until it all fell into place. Him, Summer and her younger sister Taylor, running around in the park chasing fireflies. Summer’s favorite drink he used to buy for her before he went to pick her up. Sneaking kisses when she thought her younger sister wasn’t looking. Her late night calls after she had put her younger sister to bed so she could talk about her parent’s arguing. That’s why he had felt like he’d seen a ghost when she had stepped on stage. Taylor had grown into the spitting image of her sister, singing songs and keeping her memory alive for many more years to come.

[kah-hoa]

Hi, how are you? Is everything good with you? I saw your arts and they are really cool! Since you're accepting art requests, what do you think about drawing an interspecies couple?

I'm planning to write a dramatic book, where my book takes place in 1994 in Clover Hills, a British metropolis located in England, the story takes place in a world where several animals on the planet are evolving drastically, becoming anthropomorphic. These animals are taking on human characteristics, where they have acquired several human abilities such as speech, to the surprise of humans. Due to this evolution, humans have come to fear these animals, generating hatred and prejudice against them.

This has started a conflict between humans and evolved animals, where tensions and hostilities between them have begun to increase at an alarming and dangerous rate. To make matters worse, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom has ordered that all evolved animals be hunted and killed, demanding the total genocide of these beings and a drastic measure to prevent all animals in the country from evolving.

The story revolves around two sisters, Madeline (a 15-year-old girl) and Sally (a 9-year-old girl), who after losing their parents and finding themselves in a very tense situation, decide to try to flee the country in the hope of traveling to Freedonia, an Asian country that is the only country in the world so far where humans and evolved animals live in harmony compared to the rest of the world.

Madeline and Sally will have to reach an abandoned private airport to escape, where they will both have to meet Stuart, a World War II veteran airplane pilot who had been hired by Madeline to take them to Freedonia. However, this airport is in London, implying that the sisters will have to travel several kilometers to get there.

During the journey, they end up meeting Rikkun, a 9-year-old red fox who is also trying to flee the country. Initially Madeline would not help him, but reluctantly agrees after her little sister insists on wanting to help him. Along the way, they end up meeting an interspecies couple, Kara and Ash. Madeline decides to help Kara and Ash as well because she feels very sorry for them. The group will face several dangers ahead and will they all be able to escape from England to go to Freedonia?

Since I already have an artwork of the three protagonists of my future book (Madeline, Rikkun and Sally) done by another amazing artist I met, I would really like you to draw the other two protagonists of this story, Kara and Ash :)

They are both 17-year-old teenagers, where Kara ended up getting pregnant by her ex-boyfriend, who had abandoned her after finding out she was pregnant. However, she met Ash, a anthro puma/cougar who dreams of becoming a professional dancer.

The two fell in love and Ash decided to take Kara's son, as he had always wanted to have children. In the plot, it is revealed that it is impossible for evolved animals to reproduce with humans, because in addition to both species being completely different, evolved animals are beings incompatible with humans.

In addition, it is also revealed that Kara's parents strongly disapproved of her dating Ash, as they hate evolved animals and are in favor of the Prime Minister's decision to completely exterminate these beings. Because of this and the conflict that is getting worse and worse, the couple decided to flee the country together.

I imagined Kara being like this:

And as for her clothes, I imagined her wearing these clothes here:

As for Ash, I imagined him being inspired by these three anthro/furry characters that I found on the internet:

And these are the clothes he will wear:

And as for the pose of the girl and the cougar/puma, that's up to you, as I'm out of ideas and any pose that’s easy for you to draw would be great. And that's all I want you to draw ^^ I hope you have fun drawing my two OCs ❤️ Thank you so much for the opportunity and I truly hope you enjoy the art you make ☺️

I apologize, but as stated in my rules I don't take commissions if there's no "base" art to work with, I had a lot of trouble in the past with these kind of commissions due to my difficulty at understanding instructions.

[miitarashi]

Hey my beautiful peoples!

This will be fixed with the infos about the requests aNd the ✨prompt list✨ (i really love this thing lol).

First - Info.

Will write: almost everything in general.

Fluffy

Yandere (yep,i kinda know how to write this don't ask me how)

Angst

Slow burn

Even NSFW is on.

{Yes,i do NSFW too,but for characters with the right age. I don't really mind writing about it}

Will not write: the most insane and disgusting things. Some examples:

Incest

Proshipper things

Real psycho characters (sangwoo is a perfect example)

Nsfw about characters that are under age.

Even characters that just look like childs (the classic one that have 100000 years old with a 14 years old face) and etc

{If you request something that i don't feel comfortable,i'll abviously don't do it,but i'll make sure to leave message for you to know why your request wasn't made}

Reader type - probably any. As a genderfluid person i can write male/female or neutral reader with no problem.

Fandom that i write for (the ones who are colored is the ones that i write more about):

Fire force (benimaru my beloved)

Kimetsu no yaiba

Jujutsu kaisen

Hazbin hotel

The adventures of Tintin

Tmnt (mostly rottmnt and 2012/2016 version)

Boku no hero academia

Death note

One piece

Mob psycho 100 (Just and only fluffy)

One punch man

Haikyuu

Hellsing

Nanbaka

{Four characters is the maximum that i'll make in one request}

Now,the best part!

✨ Prompt list ✨

1 - "i'm...sorry...i'm so...so sorry...". "Ok. And i'll not forgive you"

2 - "no but...why?". "...why what?". "Why are you so fucking beautiful like that?! Dayum!-"

3 - "and now...you can look!". "This is...". "Yes...our new home,our new life"

4 - "you betrayed me,that's why you lost me,are you happy now?". "...i...still love you..."

5 - "i was...i was just trying to help-". "You just make things worse! Like aways! You are useless!"

6 - "oh hi! This is my ex boyfriend!". "Didn't i say for you to stop doing this? I'm their husband"

7 - "...why you still here...why you still love me after all of this...". "Because you mean the world for me..."

8 - "you know? I wouldn't mind kissing you someday". "Then kiss me,here and now". "...oh lord-"

9 - "i aways was there for you,every time,even if all the world turned against you i would be by your side....and for what...?....to just...be used..for the one that i loved the most"

10 - "i...guess...i have a...crush on you...". "...well...this is awkward...sorry but..."

11 - "Just because you cute,it doesn't mean i'll allow you to behave like that with me!". "....you think i'm cute...?"

12 - "hey...it's ok". "I know". "No no,look,it's ok. Everything is going to be okay". "....thank you"

13 - "i said no,i don't wanna hear it!". "Please just...just hear-". "i hate you! Go away! Go away from my life!"

14 - "hey! Hey! Look at me!". "Hm? Wait- don't jump off the roof-"

15 - "is it bad if i say that i...have...a crush on you...?". "You..do?"

16 - "You failed..." "...yes...and know...you gone...forever"

17 - "look at me...look at me please...no...no no no... don't do it... d-don't you dare close your eyes!"

18 - "i knew it...i knew you would leave me someday...". "I'm not leaving you,i just said that i need to go to the bathroom!". "It's the same thing!-"

19 - "How we end up like this...?". "You didn't know me. You knew the version that i wanted you to know,but now,you see the truth..."

20 - ✓

21 - "why you keep doing it?! Why you aways messed up things so bad?!...and...why i aways forgive you..."

22 - "is that...my sweater?". "...our...from now on oUr sweater!"

23 - "wasn't i...bein enough...?...i... i-i'm sorry if a wasn't making you happy..." "No...the fault is mine..."

24 - "...what are you looking at?". "Hm? Oh, nothing. I just really love the way your eyes light up and your cheeks get slightly red when you are excited about something"

25 - "i undestand but-". "No! No you don't! You'll never know! Stop pretending you care,i know you don't!"

26 - "would you...like to go out...on a date with me...?". "Oh,yes,of course!". "Great...!..so...what i do now? I never reach this part before-"

27 - "you like me...?". "Yes!". "....why??".

28 - "i trusted you...". "And so what? You trusted because you wanted,you trusted in someone that you created on your mind. Its not my fault,but yours for your naivety"

29 - "no...no no no! Don't die! Please!". "I'm not dying you idiot-"

30 - "its hurt...isn't it?". "Yes...yes its hurt...so...so badly i....". "Shh...everything...everything will be ok...don't cut it"

{For now will be just 30,i'll probably add more later. And please, specify who's gonna say what ok? Like "2 Tintin and 1 [name]" to be more for your liking. But if you don't want to it's ok,i'll do my best to make a good thing!}

Well...guess it's the end. Just one last thing,my english is not that good because it's not my first language,i still learning so please have some patience with me 🥺

(Please be aware that i'm procrastinating bitch,so if your request take too long or i forget or i'm lazy,sorry for this 😔)

Now bye bye!

[nounpolycule]

What is Esther Most Correct About?: The Tournament

[Image description: a double-sided bracket with 64 spots total, color coded so that each pair of options is the same color. The bracket shows the pairs that are described below. End image description.]

(link to my normal pinned post here)

We all know and love that I am correct about everything (or at least admire the confidence. Or maybe just put up with it. If not that then what are you doing here?), but what am I most correct about?

Round Two (link) (link but chronological):

"twelveriverrose autism4autism4autism stone butchfemme telepathy sex" vs "Jack and Rose had karaoke nights"

"Donna Noble is Jewish" vs "tentooriverrose"

"Rose regularly took naps on the jumpseat in the TARDIS" vs "Jack and Rose had a scrapbook in s1"

"Lots of River fans are wrong about River" vs "River is often wrong about River"

"Bad Wolf as disability" vs "Rose is autistic"

"elevenrose would be Worse than tenrose" vs "Immortal Rose would keep the Doctor's jackets after each regeneration"

"The Doctor and Clara are Pointedly a secret third thing" vs "Rose and Clara are exes"

"Grace should've been a companion instead of Graham" vs "13 should have hung out more"

"River carried pictures of the Doctor specifically because of the audio Signs" vs "River should have actually been giving back the diamond in THORS"

"Mia is short for Stayuexisumigorkefloryan" vs "Pete's World sucks" AND "Pete Tyler sucks"

"Gomez!Master comes after Dhawan!Master in their personal timeline" vs "Rose and Martha would have been besties"

"Jack and Rose should have gotten a more meaningful reunion" vs "Jack created the Bad Wolf computer virus"

"Rose realized she was bisexual before series 2" vs "Rose came out to Mickey in Pete's World"

"The implied pre-Winner Takes All breakup is canon" vs "You do keep turning up. Like a bad wolf." is the best "bad wolf" drop"

"The Doctor is a butch dyke" vs "rosetosh. not sorry."

"It's weird to think Martha still has a grudge after 15 years" vs Heaven Sent

Round One (link) (link but chronological) (Recap of Matches 1-16) (Recap of Matches 17-32) (Bonus Match):

17. "River carried pictures of the Doctor specifically because of the audio Signs" vs "Pottery is one of River's special interests"

1. "twelveriverrose autism4autism4autism stone butchfemme telepathy sex" vs "The Eleventh Doctor is a stone top"

2. "Jack and Rose had karaoke nights" vs "Jack and Rose had movie nights"

3. "Donna Noble is Jewish" vs "The lining of Ten's coat looks like old bowling alley carpet"

4. "tentooriverrose" vs "eleventooriverrose"

5. "Rose regularly took naps on the jumpseat in the TARDIS" vs "Eleventoo survived"

6. "Jack and Rose had a scrapbook in s1" vs "AUs where Turn Left is the same but Rose isn't in the s4 finale"

7. "River has futuristic tattoos" vs "Lots of River fans are wrong about River"

8. "River jumping off of buildings is hot" vs "River is often wrong about River"

9. "Bad Wolf as disability" vs "Rose has telepathy synesthesia"

10. "Rose is autistic" vs "AUs where River is not the Ponds' daughter"

11. "elevenrose would be Worse than tenrose" vs "twelverose would be plenty intimate even without frequent hugs"

12. "tentoorose are Not normal about their relationship" vs "Immortal Rose would keep the Doctor's jackets after each regeneration"

13. "Clara sucks, that's what makes her fun" vs "The Doctor and Clara are Pointedly a secret third thing"

14. "Rose and Clara are exes" vs "s8 is (mostly) good"

15. "Outing Yaz wasn't a #AllyMoment" vs "Grace should've been a companion instead of Graham"

16. "13 should have hung out more" vs "Ace would not flirt with Graham"

18. "The fan audio Exhausted Supplies is canon" vs "River should have actually been giving back the diamond in THORS"

19. "Mia is short for Stayuexisumigorkefloryan" vs "Rose develops major anxiety around cars"

20. "Pete's World sucks" vs "Pete Tyler sucks" (tie)

21. "Sarah Jane vouched for Rose in the Turn Left parallel universe" vs "Gomez!Master comes after Dhawan!Master in their personal timeline"

22. "Rose and Sarah Jane were besties" vs "Rose and Martha would have been besties"

23. "Jack and Rose should have gotten a more meaningful reunion" vs "Jack thinks Rose looks like Billie Piper - no one else really sees it"

24. "Rose blames Jack for every zombie she meets" vs "Jack created the Bad Wolf computer virus"

25. "Rose realized she was bisexual before series 2" vs "Jack says Rose's type is arsonists"

26. "Rose and Mickey made up in Pete's World" vs "Rose came out to Mickey in Pete's World"

27. "The implied pre-Winner Takes All breakup is canon" vs "No Hot Ashes >>>>>>>>"

28. "You do keep turning up. Like a bad wolf." is the best "bad wolf" drop" vs "The Clockwise Man was a better use of clockwork droids than GitF"

29. "The Doctor is a butch dyke" vs "Eleventoo deserves more love"

30. "rosetosh. not sorry." vs "Rose met the Tarot Girl in Pete's World"

31. "It's weird to think Martha still has a grudge after 15 years" vs "Ten's gender 🤝Thirteen's gender"

31. Top Secret Match #32

[cannibal100110]

for i have suffered

i felt this past year go by without a doubt concerning for myself, i’ve gotten worse. i never thought i could be worse than this? am i overreacting? overthinking it? or maybe i just feel as if i’m ‘attention seeking’. i’ve never felt so alone, never felt like this much of a failure, this low. 3:07 am, i’m back again after 8 months without a word. I never stopped writing, i just wanted to burn each and every time i poured my heart out from ink to paper. when i die i won’t remember this life. I never forget the things that happen to me, just accept them, never un-hate you kieran, never un-love you kieran. my step father. and my sex offender. I still miss you, all the time. i still think about you, what we could’ve been if you didn’t take things too far. if you didn’t look at me differently by the time i was 12 years old.

Dear Kieran Bell, i still love you, i promise, but i swear to everything i grip onto, i hate you. You’re the core of how i fucked up my life, the main reason i’m the way i am today. i never forgave you and i never will, but i miss you. i miss the way we’d blast music in the car until the seats were shaking, i miss the way you’d always let me pretend to use you as a punching bag, i miss how rough your fingers were. If i had to make you my step-dad in another life, i don’t think i would, but in this life i wouldn’t take it back, even all the affects you have caused, i still wouldn’t take it back.

Dear Dean, you despise me. I wish i never met you, even though that’s the first time we met, and the last. you. rapist. asshole. You, Me & my sister knew we didn’t deserve that. She’s addicted to cocaine now, you know? you did this to her. and for me? my wrists gleam more red than they used to, because of you. 15 and 17 years old. that’s how old we were when you wanted more than a glance of our young innocent bodies. My sister, she doesn’t hate you. But me? I hate you with all my heart. I don’t even know you, all i know is your name, and what you did to me. How fucked up is that? you tell me now, if you had a daughter, say 14-17 and she came home telling you a man she doesn’t know of had raped her and your other daughter, how would you respond to this? Because i know the answer wouldn’t be anything positive. Way too negative to put into words. I’m glad Aaron beat you the fuck up, once he gets out of prison, i’ll bash your face in with him. Fuck you.

love status, update 04.

2021, september i met reuben, we were in love bla bla bla he cheated on me, broke up in the start of 2023.

2023, i was with charlie, he cheated on me with my irl best friend. end of 2023, logan. logan was a narcissist. logan was a liar. logan was a thief. logan was a poser. i loved logan.

2024, i dated harrison, i lovvvvved harrison. we created soul ties, kept going back to eachother, until he cheated, never again. he was the biggest liar of them all, truly.

late 2024, cody found me, i was IN love with him. he was the ultimate liar. our relationship was so pure and gentle throughout the whole few months that we were together, when we broke up, i found out about the lies, about the cheating. He tried to come back to me, i gave him the cold shoulder.

I spoke to a few guys, haven’t dated any of them, though. Most of the ones i’ve spoken to i haven’t had genuine feelings for, apart from one. - His name is Zac. His voice is so soft, like his personality, he’s a gentle soul, very fragile, unlike all my other ex’s, he is different. I’d never chase one like him, but it’s him, he pulls me in. My feelings for his man have never changed throughout the time i’ve had feelings surface for him. He has a baby face, with a beard at the same time. He looks so gentle but so well put together at the same time. He told me the things he’s insecure about, all of which i genuinely like, the amount of hair he has, i prefer a hairy guy. He has back acne which he’s also insecure about, however i have that too and it doesn’t bother me if he does. I feel as if a weight is lifted from my shoulders when his presence is near mine. My body fingers for his calloused fingers to caress my skin. Not even in a spicy-intimate way, just in an innocent, loving way. a swooning way. I swoon over his man, he’s hurt me once before, not purposefully, and apologised numerous times for it, ohhhh how manly he is. Even with his soft spoken whispers i just melt over his existence. But if he hurts me again, I’m going on a break, i’ll update .. whenever i next have the courage to.

[godiswithuss]

Closure.

For something that took up such a big part of my life... it kind of ended anticlimatic. 6 years. From 9/29/18 - 6/4/24. It kind of felt like there was supposed to be something bigger? I guess what's bigger than a baby being born that isn't mine. If that's not a dagger I don't know what is. Looking back on everuthing that happened and seeing it as a closed book, it does bring a lot of clarity to what happened. Her faults, my faults, life's occurances.

We were 16/17.

She was all alone. She didn't have her family around her. I didn't give her a reason to trust that I was fully commited to her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Even if I did feel that, my god did I do a horrible job at showing it. She was 17, it was her senior year, that's what 17 year old seniors do! But man....

What would have happened if that incident didn't happen? Would we still be together? Would I have eventually hurt her due to my lack of immaturity? Was the relationship's destiny already written due to our youth and inexperience in life? Maybe. But what I do know is that everything that follows stems from this one night..

We were 17/18.

She was all alone. I made the biggest mistake of my life. I was somehow more immature at 17 than 16. I made the mistake to not break up right. The right thing to do should have been to explain my feelings properly. I tried for almost 9 months to forgive and forget. However... I just couldn't. I understand her perspective. But my entire life I have wanted a storybook romance. And a blip like that... it just felt to big to overcome. I should have just said that. Taken a break from her and dating in general. Enjoyed my senior year with my friends. Gone to the movies, lose some weight, and look towards the future. What did my idiotic 17 year old do? Talk to her ex best friend and a former love interest and leave her to die basically while I went on a vengeful, disgusting, immature rampage. Why was I so mean to her? She truly did love me. She was trying her best. She was also an 18 year old girl who was fresh out of high school. She did make one mistake but damn did she do her hardest to make up for it. I understand I wanted a storybook romance but damn that is no reason to basterdize her and hurt her over, and over, and over, and over..... and over. One of the worst moments of my life and maybe my biggest regret is when I went over to see her once she came back to the state I took her ex best friend and some loser to the house too. Why did I do that. All she wanted to do was see me. TALK to me. We spent an entire summer away. we spent an entire summer away. what would have happened if she had stayed? would I have gone to even more extreme lengths? would i had stayed? could we have worked things out? maybe.

There are many more situations to write about my abhorrent behavior during this time which dwarfs her one mistake. Little Sombreros, 9/29/19 with her ex best friend, causing her dramatic weight loss, fat mexican girl, seeing her for the first time with other people in the car. Every single day that I spent with that white woman was a mistake and an unmendable scar to her and an embarrassment to my life.

Honestly, no matter how badly 2/7/20 and 2/15/20 hurt... it was so deserved.

Well, it kind of feels like that should be the end of the story right? She hurt me, I hurt her, she hurt me back, we were young and stupid.....

We were 18/19.

You found out about everything I did and was doing. In my mind, I was single and in your mind we were still together. That saying will be the downfall and the refrain for the next couple of years.

Looking back at it, we were both hiding so much. We were young, stupid, selfish, immature. What makes everything worse about is that I truly do believe that over all of that what we most were was in love. I know that you did love me. Even through all of that I know that you did love me. What saddens me even though I understand is that maybe you still think I didn't love you.

While she was on her revenge tour, I decided to learn my lesson. There was a pandemic, I wasn't emotionally right. So, I decided to take a step back and grow. I lost weight, I grew up a bit, and didn't talk to anyone else.

While she was trying to feel better with Tyrell and Keely and surley others which is probably for the best that I don't know about, I was alone. We went our seperate ways for a little while.

We were 19/20.

You came back to Arizona. We were a year and a half older than the last time we saw each other. We were both more mature (although you more than me). One of my biggest regrets is not giving it another shot during this time. I was still hung up on this idea of a cinderella romance that I was hesitant to try again. What would I tell my parents? What would you tell yours? How would it work if you moved back to canada?

I should have just thrown caution to the wind. It probably wouldn't have worked out. Even now I want and have a storybook romance. But, we were 19 and 20. Why not? We could have gone to such cute dates, we could have been together again. Why not?

Why was I so mean to you? Why?

You, loved me. It was such a sweet and geniune love. I hurt you so much and you still loved me. Even though I didn't deserve it. You gave me so much grace and love and care. You always say that you're a very angry person and that you have the anger of your parents. But you were genuinely one of the kindest and sweetest people this world has seen.

I mean... come on man. What the hell is wrong with 19 year old Emmanuel. YOU ARE NOT SASUKE BRO.

Even if it didn't last, we were young. Who cares. Even if it was temporary, I guess I do regret just not giving it one more try. Even if I knew the ending. I was trying to be mature but my GAWD MAN. Why was I so mean?

All and I mean ALL you wanted was just to spend 5 minutes with me. I mean the night I literally just sat next to you in your bed instead of being with you in it and enjoying the night. The day I picked you up from the airport and didn't go inside. JUST GO INSIDE MAN. SPEND TIME WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE AFTER SHE JUST LOST SOMEONE IN HER FAMILY.

I guess I was just scared. I was scared of my emotions. Maybe I wasn't as mature as I thought. Bro you literally just wanted to listen to a song. Why was I so mean to you when we went to pick up your textbooks? god i was such an idiot. no one you think I never loved you, especially during this time. i was scared of getting attached. I was scared of being hurt and feeling hurt. I was running away. I guess in all this 'growth' I did, i forgot one of the most important parts is forgiving yourself. because I couldn't forgive myself for what I did, I couldn't accept your forgiveness. like WHY WAS I SO MEAN WHEN YOU WENT TO PICK UP KILLUA?? god 19 year old emmanuel you are such a loser. it is a miracle she loved you for so long. I don't even fuck with you.

I remember when we went to go pick up killua too and now you have to give her up. i’m really sorry about her. i’m sure you know how anti capitalist i am and how much i hate money and it makes me sad that you have to give up something you hold so dear just to pay for human necessities. this accursed capitalistic system is the actual devil, not some made up demon with a pitchfork.

I guess I was scared of days like when we saw shang chi. we came back home with chick fil a, messed around, and watched hunter x hunter. It was a perfect day.

The thought which I am sure is true of you still going back to him never left though. Which is fair. I wouldn't commit to you. Why would you stick around? I guess during this time I just look back mostly at my faults. Why didn't I just go for it. It's fine if you hurt me. We are young. Maybe we could've had some more days like when we went to go see Shang Chi or got pho. We had some good times during this period. I will never listen to the beach house the same because of that night.

2022

wtv you go back to canda the entire year, you didn't really care about me, I was searching for a storybook romance. It's fine. We talked, we obviously still cared about each other, we still had love for each other but... what would have happened if you stayed in arizona? why didn't you move back? how would it have been if i committed in 2021?

2023

Happy 22nd Birthday. I was in Tucson and you were in Saskatoon. However, for this brief weekend we saw each other yet again. 18 months later. 18 months older. We had so much fun. I should have gotten a tattoo instead of piercings jajaja. endless tattoo would have been perfect for the occasion. I felt as though this was our swan song. One last moment together that can last a lifetime. At this point my resolve was undeniable. We were unfortunately not meant to be together. The relationship was too messy for me to ever tell our kids about. I never told you this but... I secretely did want to have a kid during that weekend and never find out about until years later. This thing that we called a relationship was and is too meaningful to just throw it up to being a high school relationship. I cried so much on my drive back to Tucson. 90 minutes of straight tears because I just knew in my heart, we had our last kiss. Sometimes it still doesn't feel real.

I knew as I drove away we were merging away. I had a feeling you would go back to him. Which I don't blame you. I could not bring myself to face anything. I was a coward in our relationship. Sadly, you were the only strong one in it. I didn't want to marry someone who I had to one day explain to our children names like Keely, Sierra, Andrew, and Nayeli. How could we love each other so much and hurt each other so much. What a beautifully somber story we wrote Makayla.

Now you have a child and I have new girlfriend. The first woman I have ever even looked at in 5 years. I wonder if you meant it when the last thing you wrote to me was that you hope I'll be happy.

ezryn yves… what a name. i’m almost a thousand percent positive you chose it because no way in hell he would pick names that cool.

So many stories left unwritten, words left unsaid, and emotions still held within. Yet the only constants that remains are that we did love each other, and now it is over.

- To what could have been, maybe we would be busy naming baby number three if a few things had gone the other way

[impossiblehumanoidunicorn]

So yesterday my brain decided to play the extentionalism game, and the question (it would've been a thought) was something like; What is something that was said to you, that still follows you ? Whether you notice it, or you've accepted it, could be a gift or a curse.

The first person I knew I loved, both times of us being together said, 'I need/want to be able to love you wholeheartedly.' But now imagine a 16 year old hearing, those words from someone who they loved wholeheartedly because they didn't know any other way to love someone.

I've always felt like the trial run of all of my exes, I've expressed this to most of them. If they're afraid to love; I sweep the fear away, until the carpet begins to shed the thread. If they don't communicate; I broke into libraries to find words that are easier for them to use. And if they didn't know loyalty; the lighthouse was always on, but it didn't mean there was warm food waiting for them.

So when I think about that sentence, I think about how I used to pour myself into everything and everyone, not knowing that what I was being given wasn't even close to the bottom of their milk jar. I guess back then, the person lacked better words and read something that made the words ' wanting to love you wholeheartedly', mean, 'I'm emotionally unavailable and I'm not in the right place for a relationship or actually want you.' because I look at the relationships they've had after me, and I see what I asked for, what I fought for being given to another person.

I won't lie, it does hurt but not enough for me to want any of them back, it's more of a sting; sometimes I even used to question if maybe I wasn't difficult to love, or it was because they didn't want to actually love me or they really were just young people with big emotions.

We're all definitely still cool, some are even friends now but to believe that one can ever love me, more than I love them is close to nothing..unless it's one sided - then I'm sorry.

And that was all because of a sentence that was said to me by my first 'real' wlw relationship (15-16)..

I dislike my brain, because this game of thoughts does not come from a place of breaking into healing, or some reflective prompt; it just makes the memories tied to the question float around my head until my brain remembers to switch it off, and on worse days the thoughts ignite the same feelings that were experienced during that time which is never fun.

With that being said, that same sentence has helped me walk away from a lot of time takers, and those who haven't dealt with themselves. Whenever there is a touch bu 'insinuation of that sentence my bags are already getting packed. We'll deal with the left laundry, if we meet again or they'll keep the clothes.

[tittyinfinity]

still confused as to why this is going on

i'm honestly not sure how someone can know that their (disabled) kid is crying from hunger while denying them the right to food as some kind of sick punishment. How can someone can "punish" a 28 year old adult by not allowing them to use the kitchen in the house they pay for

usually we'd split food costs but she has literally the rest of my money AND $5k from claiming me on her taxes so I have nothing

she's been buying food for only herself now despite eating everything I got with my food stamps in the time I was gone

I don't like putting it in my posts but one of the reasons I've been so hungry despite a few donations here and there is because I have a 9 year old to feed and he needs it more. I'm a single parent and I couldn't receive child support even if his dad could pay it bc the couple times i did they wanted to cut my disability payments.... make that make fucking sense

but yeah she left me with nothing. over a small table I've owned since 2021. bc she wanted to use it once as a table to sit at for a yard sale. when there's already a table in the front yard. The table is now being used daily by my friend's 2 children. I'm not giving one of MY belongings back especially whenever IT WAS IN STORAGE FOR A YEAR NOT BEING USED. No one gave a shit about that table until I moved it. IT WAS GODDAMN $15 ON FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE.

every struggle i've had over the years is from her holding housing over my head. ever since I was 17. "You wouldn't have been in an abusive relationship if you didn't run away from home" shut the fuck up it was LITERALLY a better option than what I was getting at home despite how fucking horrible that relationship was. And it was because I became disabled and my grades started slipping. Just the verbal abuse from my parents alone was worse than the physical abuse I received from my ex. Yeah.

I couldn't imagine doing this shit to my kid. Ruining their life and then blaming them for it. Repeatedly.

I knew this would happen when I moved back in.

She does one thing for you (except not really) and then uses as an excuse to be a horrible fucking human being.

Disgusting.

[ocean-anchored]

Sometimes I wish there was a recorder in our brains for our thoughts. It’s like I can process my thoughts better when I just sit by myself & let them ramble but when I go to sit down or open this page so I can write, it’s like I can’t process those thoughts anymore & I loose words. It’s bad enough where my mental state is & what I’m going through with meliss. Then to feel like my feelings are disregarded, lower than, insignificant, unwanted etc to my boyfriend has just made me plummet. When we finally talked this afternoon I thought at some points maybe it would get better. But then it got worse. I don’t like being talked to like that. It triggers me to how I used to talk to Travis. I feel so much shame saying that. I feel wrong feeling like I try to put up a boundary on being talked to like that because that was me. That’s who I used to be. I used to talk down to him. Like his feelings weren’t a priority. Like I was superior. Which truly was never an intent, I never sought out harm, I just realized & knew the WAY I talked to him made him feel that way. I was not perfect to say the least, I know that. I know I did damage in that relationship. As much as it was absolute hell & that he absolutely destroyed me, my worth, my trust, everything, I know I wasn’t good either. I was struggling to stay afloat. I own up to that. I got help. I went through therapy for a long time. I did a LOT of healing & forgiving the years after. I felt that I was better, I had a better understanding & self awareness of it. Also that I wouldn’t engage with such toxic friendships or relationships like that again so I wouldn’t fall back into that pattern. The pattern I learned from my dad & how he talked to me. Here I am sitting, feeling triggered beyond anything. Nonetheless that it’s the 13th today. The day I got married 4 years ago. I feel like an absolute worthless failure. So upon my impeccable timing with it being this day of all days, now I’m triggered with how my boyfriend is talking to me, because that’s how I used to talk to my ex husband because that’s how I used to be talked to my entire up bringing. What a toxic world. Such a toxic trigger. The enemy is at work today. Destroying everything. Destroying me. The only thing that’s been bringing me back out of absolute destruction of tears & depression is God. Listening to sermons & teachings. Reading the bible. Reading devotions to challenge my anger & feeling alone. It’s the only thing getting me through the last 4 days. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of feeling like I dealt with something & got past it & now it’s back in my face. It’s unhealthy. It’s scary. It’s sad. It breaks my heart. Being on the side of this again, bringing myself back to being 14, 15, 16, 17 years old being told what a horrible daughter I am. How sick and demented I am. What terrible character I have. How messed up I am. I’m not going to get my life together if this is who I am. I’ll destroy people & myself. To have my sister tell me that my character is bad. That I have massive issues in my character that I need to work on, which don’t get me wrong… I know I have issues. I know and what she “called me out on” was from 7 months ago & I know it’s definitely not an excuse to react & talk to someone like I did richardt and it’s not an excuse that it was out of defence & that not only he manipulated, lied & did damage but meliss was part of that. I never called her out. I never tore her a new one that what she did was absolutely wrong in every way. & it makes me angry that now after 7 months she tells me that I have horrible character with how I talk to people from 7 months ago when she was a huge part of the issue? That makes me mad. So yeah it triggered me. & then Zack today out of frustration telling me that I’m impossible to talk to etc, just literally 100th trigger. Just another blow to my face that set me back. Feeling worthless. Feeling like I’m 16 again & an absolute shit person. Why am I letting how other people tell me who I am dictate for myself. I know I need to spend time with God with how he sees me.