#making my ex a 15 year old makes everything worse

[galaxygermdraws]

Oh god Evil's Fault Brainrot is back. I mean this is a queue'd post so by the time yall see this the brainrot may have calmed down BUT IT'S STRONG AS I'M DRAWING THIS. I miss my 2021 Ex fixation...

(reblogs with tags/comments are appreciated. Thankyu)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA For telling my partner I'd like to bring my ex into our relationship?

I'm copying this over from r/relationship_advice, because the responses are giving me the impression they don't really get what polyamory is & I'm hoping tumblr does. For reference: there's me (29M), my ex (28, Trans Man), and my partner (30M).

My ex and I were best friends in high school, went to the same college, & dated through the tail end of undergrad, for about a year and change. We ended things on very good terms, the only reason we broke up was a difference in life paths: I stayed in the city to get my Master's, he traveled constantly for his work (he's a sculptor who makes these huge custom multimedia pieces, they're genuinely some of the most beautiful things I've seen). We fell out of touch for the most part, but I'd see him popping up on social media occasionally, or he'd text me when he was in town and we'd hang out, along with some other school friends.

The last time I saw him before our present situation was about 3 1/2 years ago today. We went out for drinks, he came back to my place after, and we ended up hooking up. He stayed in town for about a week, and we hooked up a few more times, and then he left again. He sort of dropped off the face of the earth after that, but he'd always been pretty sporadic, especially when he had a big project, so I didn't think much about it.

Not long after that, I met my current partner. He's truly one of my favorite people in the whole world; he's incredibly thoughtful, and earnest, and passionate about his morals & principles (he's an environmental lawyer), and more than anything, he's someone I never feel like I have to pretend with. He asked for my number, we had our first date a few days later, and ended up staying awake the entire night just talking about anything and everything, so we went ahead and got 5am pancakes and called it our second date. We've been together for a little over 3 years now, we've been moved in together for about 2, and while we've had the occasional fight or rough patch I can definitely say I love this man, and I plan to spend the rest of my life with him.

So, the big change.

About a year ago (~2 years since seeing my ex, my partner and I have lived together for about a year at this point), my partner and I are having a night in, and there's a knock at the door. It's my ex, looking absolutely ragged, holding a 15 month old baby. As in, a baby who was conceived 24 months before then. Yep, it's pretty much what you're guessing. I let them both in, we had a sit down in the kitchen, and he told me everything he'd been doing in the past 2 years in between me cussing him out for keeping it all from me in the first place. I really do want to keep this as short as possible, so to give you the super condensed version:

She's my daughter, he's completely sure about that, there's no one else he's been with the math is even close to correct for

The second he found out he was pregnant, he more or less panicked. He's got a whole Thing about feeling like he's irresponsible/not a "real" adult, and this really set him off, so telling me felt like "admitting to fucking both our lives up" at the time. His OB/GYN said some pretty awful shit to him about not being more careful as a trans man too, which just made it all even worse

Because of all that, he'd genuinely planned to just never tell me I have a daughter & raise her completely on his own, but a few things compounded to force his hand:

The birth was really rough on him, and his recovery was slow enough he was having trouble going back to work, to the point where money was getting tight

On top of that, our daughter has celiac disease, and between paying out of pocket for blood tests & spending more on baby food she's safe to eat, things got desperate enough he went and took out a really dodgy loan from a scummy payday company

He was at our door because all of this had finally spiraled to a point where he'd lost his apartment, they'd been sleeping in his car for about a week, and he couldn't think of anything else to do

I think I was probably feeling every human emotion in existence at the same time through all of this, but the thing I remember most from the whole conversation was the way my partner kept drifting right back to the baby, and the soft way he looked at her. We put my ex & daughter up in a hotel room for the night and told him we needed to talk, and we'd discuss our options in the morning, but I think even then I kind of knew what our answer was going to be.

Sure enough, for the last year and a half we've been co-parenting our little girl, all three of us. We didn't want to juggle who's got her, or force my ex to find a place to stay, so we've turned my partner's home office into our daughter's room, and redid most of the downstairs layout so my ex could move into an actual bedroom, rather than just sleep on our pullout couch in perpetuity. We finally succeeded in convincing him that rest and recovery was more important than trying to contribute to the house finances right away, and it's been magical watching all that stress and terror slowly fall off him. It's like he's a little more alive again every time I look.

Which is where my question comes in.

I'd like to restate, I love my partner 100%. None of this changes that whatsoever. If I ask, and he says no, that will be the end of the discussion for me completely. But I have eyes. My ex is, objectively, a very attractive man. I know we work well together, and I have to admit I'm very curious to see where that same chemistry could lead now that he's not on the other side of the country half the time. I've also been noticing these little moments between him and my partner. Nothing I'd consider crossing a line, but I've caught my partner checking my ex out several times, as well as vice versa, and they get along remarkably well. Sometimes I'll go to enter a room, and see them both sitting there laughing and chatting and playing with our baby, and I'll just hang back to watch because it makes me so happy.

Add to all that, we're pretty deeply ingrained in each other's lives now. My partner and I don't often go out on dates alone anymore, but the last few times we did it felt as if my ex was missing from the table. We watched a movie together last night, and my ex sat in the middle of us with his feet in my partner's lap and his head on my chest, and it felt just as natural as my arm on my partner's shoulder. It's not about just having sex with him, and it's not that I'd want to invite any old person into our relationship. I know we already all love each other, and I think there's potential for that to become romantic between the two of us and my ex.

It just feels as though we're all holding our breath, waiting for someone else to say it first. My ex certainly isn't going to bring it up when he's living rent free in "our" home (it's his home too, but he doesn't seem to see it like that yet). My partner grew up sheltered enough that I'm not sure he's ever heard of polyamory at all, so he's not going to bring it up. That just leaves me.

My problem is, if I'm wrong about what I think I'm seeing, or if I bring it up the wrong way, I can't take it back. I don't want my partner to feel insecure or betrayed, I don't want my ex to feel pressured or put on the spot, and I definitely don't want my daughter to lose any of us, which I know could happen if we aren't all on the same page. Or worse, if we do all date and it goes badly.

Should I just keep this whole thing secret? Is that even worse? Would I be the asshole for opening this can of worms on everyone else?

Help!

[roseadleyn]

Lidia‘s SA was handled even worse. Sjm would have lidia fuck Ruhn in mind at the same time she’s getting SA‘ed by her ex. Lidia never received proper time to heal from that sh*t. The moment Ruhnlidia made up in the third book they had mf sex.

Nesta had sex with Cassian right after getting SA‘ed by that weirdo kelpie from the lake, and that other time when Lanthys made her see that vision in which he SA‘ed her too. The SA from Tomas was also never properly acknowledged.

At least Gwyn had 2 years to recover. Most SA survivors in her books don’t receive much time to at least process it all before fucking. You’re telling me Rhys is all cool with going down on Feyre after 50 years of SA? Feyre can easily forget the sh*t Rhys did to her utm? Great.

If Gwynriel is canon, Sjm will most definitely fuck up her trauma like she always does.

Sjm: „Oh you were touched against your will?“

Sjm: „Here have a cock. That will heal you quickly!“

Worst of all is that the sex is always so… rough? Specifically for Nesta. At least worship her and make her feel safe instead of dicking her down like she‘s a good one night stand. Poor girl.

ya i'm just realizing that gwyn is at least not as bad as nesta or feyre or lucien or rhys or lidia. i haven't read any other sjm books but i know abt lidia and that's insane 😭 it's like she doesn't know how to write intimacy. it's like she thinks emotional connections only exist in sex.

it was insane how feyre only rescued lucien from being raped because she remembered her darling rhys and not because lucien is her first friend and also it's just the MORAL THING TO DO

( also why is it that everytime a couple fights in sjm's novels, they always have sex when they make up? i get that angry makeup sex is soo hot etc but like can no one have a conversation? can she not show how sometimes issues are talked out not fucked out? )

do NOT i hate how she wrote nesta i hate everything abt it. nesta was assaulted by tomas and when he found out he restrained her against the wall??? in the same manner tomas would have?? also i'm never going to forget how cassian tugged at the skirts of her dress and asked her 'what're you hiding under all this anyways?' without her consent, during a time in which they didn't like each other, and he was there on diplomatic purposes.

and i just checked but literally RIGHT after she was sa-ed by the kelpie, cassian not only had sex with her but he left her without any aftercare. bed still warm. rough sex as if she's a one night stand. she's sexually assaulted and then left wondering if cassian was 'punishing' her by leaving immediately. ugh i despise him i hate him.

and rhys? he literally has one (1) traumatic flashback to his trauma and whoop that's it yall we're done. and feyre wearing the same clothes she was wearing when she got assaulted for rhys, even though rhys was the one who assaulted her.

it pushes an extremely unhealthy narrative. very young girls (literally 15-16 year olds) read these books and they'll think these toxic, unrealistic, unhealthy dynamics are normal. it's so concerning and i hate the entire genre of dark romance for it but that's a story for some other angry rant

i hate the rough jackhammering sex. i fear she's gonna do the same shit with elain and lucien (😭). nesta deserves to be worshipped and praised and then given plenty of aftercare free my girlll

( for acotar stans who for some reason go into anti tags: do not interact u will be BLOCKED !!! okay bye 💋 )

[ben-pincus]

sleepover!

pairing : young! miguel o hara x young! reader (they’re besties.)

tags : fluff, sleepover, miguel has braces 🗣️, stalking your smelly ex on instagram and making a sticker out of his face, miniature pillow fight

summary : sleepover with 15 year old bestie miguel

—————————————

“no, no… click onto his account-“ he says quietly, trying not to wake his parents as you two giggle.

you click onto his account, and the two of you immediately start cackling.

he hits you mid laughing as he tries to muffle his laughs with a pillow.

“girl he looks like an ape!!” miguel wheezes, covering his mouth.

“stop he looked even worse when i was with him-“

“YOU WERE WITH HIM?!” he whisper-shouts in disbelief,

“nah girl, no way.” he giggles, screenshotting his post and opening snapchat, making a sticker out of his face.

you two giggle as you make your ex’s stickered face bigger and smaller. it’s that time of the sleepover when EVERYTHING is funny.

“did you seriously miss that part when i was with him?” you whisper.

“girl i was in mexico, i was NOT calling your ass.” he jokes playfully. he was in mexico though, and he was not calling your ass. he had more important things to do, like play smash or pass with the people by the pool.

“mhm, too preoccupied scoping out the milfs on the beach..” you mumble jokingly.

he slowly turns his head to you, his eye twitching.

“milf spotting is very important, mind you.” he whispers playfully.

“mhm, sure..”

“like you’re not saying ‘he’s beekeeping age’ to my own father.” he nudges, letting out a giggle.

“leave my future husband out of this..” you joke.

“leave my father out of this, you deranged psycho..” he whispers, giving you the most EVIL side eye.

“girl don’t side eye me.” you give him a side eye back.

“i’ll side eye you all i want.. cheeky bitch.” he whispers.

you whack the shit out of him with a pillow.

“OW!-“ he whisper yells, “i got my braces tightened literally yesterday you cunt!!!” he whispers, his hand coming up to his jaw.

“oh, call an ambulance.”

[yellow-faerie]

Could you talk about one of those Doctor Who aus?

Hello! Thank you anon for the ask :) I have a few AUs that I'm currently rotating in my head but my favourite at the moment is the one I just call The Modern AU - it's official name is The Doctor Project but that's not what I call it. This took me a hot minute to write up because it is a lot.

(Also if you wanted to hear about any of my other AUs, I put some brief descriptions in the tags :D)

The basic premise is that the Doctors are all human and a team that worked together for their variety of expertise during the early 2000s to repel an alien invasion and the effect it has on each of them and their general lives. Also the Tardis is there as the only sensible one of the lot.

Some doctors do have more story fleshed out than others, mostly due to the fact that I'm still quite new to a lot of the eu stuff like Big Finish and the books and certain Doctors I would feel better about having engaged with some more of it before getting some proper stories fledged out (mostly because I hope it will give me some more inspiration lol)

I'll put some more general outline below the cut for anyone interested :)

[Warnings: mentions of abuse, discussions of war and the aftermath, complicated relationships to disability, implied torture ]

First Doctor

So the First Doctor is the oldest of the bunch, a retired surgeon and medical doctor (he used to work at Royal Hope Hospital) who was brought into the Doctor project for his research into medicine.

He spent most of the War in London due to his old age making it difficult to run around cities infested with alien invaders but he does get sent out periodically (mostly when one of the others gets too injured to be moved from their current location which happens a few times).

He had a daughter, Gillian, when he was quite young but he and his wife split up, and his daughter spent most of her time with her mother instead. However, he was the one to gain custody of his daughter's daughter (Susan) when Gillian died as his ex-wife had also died.

When the Doctor was conscripted, Susan was about 15 and stayed with their neighbour Steven over the course of the war, and Vicki and Dodo, two girls he fostered as well while their parents were off fighting.

Due to the secure nature of the work that the Doctor Project was doing, she and her grandfather only exchanged a few letters over the course of each year, and they were always heavily edited, and she found herself finding a lot of the emotional support she was lacking from her two teachers at Cole Hill, Barbara and Ian.

When she left Cole Hill Sixth Form, a year before the war ended, she moved back into her grandfather's house but kept in contact with Barbara and Ian who helped her with finding a job and advice on living alone, etc. This would break GDPR and a host of other protection laws these days but it's the middle of an alien invasion, let's pretend that doesn't exist. They didn't know the Doctor at all until after the war when he returns and it's a bit weird for everyone.

Especially since Ian is completely furious at him for leaving his granddaughter alone, mostly because people meet Susan and get the immediate urge to protect her; they do mostly get over that particular hurdle though as more comes out about how the war ended, although the Doctor doesn't help matters much by being his usual grouchy self.

His usual grouchy self made worse by the fact that everything has changed a lot since he had left home. Susan is in training to be a nurse and has these faux-parental figures she trusts so implicitly, and is decidedly more wary around him; he has also been fundamentally changed by living four years in various bunkers while working against an invisible clock to defeat a foe more technologically advanced that they are.

Eventually things do settle down: Ian and the Doctor apologise to each other, Susan and the Doctor have enough heart-to-hearts that it clears the air between them, that sort of thing.

There's not a whole lot of plot to any of the First Doctor's stuff but the vibes and the setting are pretty much in place.

Second Doctor

The second doctor is probably about forty when he's conscripted and he was a physics lecturer at St. Andrews university, specialising in sound and acoustics and waves, that sort of thing. He invented several new versions of sound systems which is what got him noticed for the Project.

St. Andrews is where he meets Jamie, actually, who was working as a guard; they bonded over a mutual love of music, Jamie in particular on the bagpipes, and then over other mutual interests.

I'm imagining they got married before the war (as this is an alternate history anyway, I'm making gay marriage legal earlier because no-one can stop me) when Jamie went on to fight in the army and the Doctor got conscripted into the project. Both of them being in different deployments so regularly meant letter writing was even more difficult.

After the war, the Doctor gives up the whole lecturing thing, as the project had left him with a bad taste in his mouth over the work he had been doing. Instead, he takes his knowledge of music and goes into conducting an orchestra, as well as giving music lessons on the side.

In like...any instrument; he's not even very good at playing a lot of them but he has the technical know-how to make someone else very good at playing them, if they can get past his eccentricities.

Zoe is the first violin in the orchestra who he gives personal tutoring too in a vague attempt to get her to put some feeling into her music. She's technically very brilliant and knows her way around most string instruments with almost military precision, but she was taught in a very wooden way and the Doctor is attempting to bring that out of her.

Victoria, on the other hand, takes piano lessons from him except she's around like four times a week and barely ever actually plays the piano and they always give her supper because her home life is...not the greatest. Her father's very absent and her mother's dead. It's all a bit iffy.

Eventually, Jamie probably calls Social Services who are overstretched in the aftermath of the war as it is, but she manages to find herself to a very nice foster family (the Harris') who make sure she keeps having her piano lessons. Although they continue not to really be piano lessons.

[I feel that I should put a note on Ben and Polly here; they are sort of known to both One and Two as Polly is Barbara's niece (and quite close to her aunt) and Ben is Two's half brother (but not that close all things considered) - they are the sort of people who come around for birthdays and Christmas and the one off weekend, and give you very thoughtful advice and presents, but that's sort of the limit of your relationship with them.]

Third Doctor

The Third Doctor studied chemistry at university, trying out multiple different branches, and had managed to get noticed for a variety of things such as creating a few new medications, discovering the compounds of some rarer chemicals, that sort of thing (I will admit, I don't know what makes a chemist famous).

Sarah Jane is his younger sister by about twenty years: when she was younger, she had a bit of a hero worship of him going on but nowadays she's much more sensible.

He worked at Cambridge with Liz before the war, and a lot of the breakthroughs they made together; they (and by they I mean the Doctor has while Liz is facepalming in the background) have a bitter rivalry with the Oxford researcher Emil Masters (the Delgado Master).

They are married but they keep that out of their professional rivalries.

After the war, however, the Doctor stays with UNIT. He's the only one of the doctors to do this and it's mostly because he doesn't trust that unit won't make terrible decisions with the research the Doctor Project produced, so he stays as a Scientific Advisor and pokes his nose into everyone's business to keep his conscience clean.

Jo is his assistant as per canon, only now she is being invited around for supper four times a week at his house and is probably inheriting everything that both the Master and the Doctor own when they eventually die.

They turn up to her wedding to Cliff when her parents don't.

Once again, this is incredibly vibes based rather than very much plot; there's probably going to be something to do with Jo falling out with her family, but that's about as far as I got with it. It's mostly fluff at this point lol.

[Also a note about the incarnations of the Master: while the doctors aren't actually related, the incarnations of the Master are because I find that entertaining, and also there are less of them]

Fourth Doctor

The Fourth Doctor is an environmental activist before the war! He got a PhD in ecology and then proceeded to throw away a promising career in academia (his parents' words) to gallivant around the planet doomsday prophesying.

What he's actually doing is blackmailing people into implementing climate saving machines, etc. so that he isn't Doomsday prophesying; he actually meets Sarah doing this because they both get thrown in prison for getting nosy around a nuclear power plant and thus is the start of a beautiful friendship/relationship, it's really unclear to everyone else.

He has two sisters; Winifred (although everyone calls her Fred) who is Romana I, and Romana who is Romana II. Romana turns 18 just before the war and Fred turns 25 around the same time, while the Doctor is 30ish.

Romana immediately joins MI6 (she had always wanted to be in the secret service) and the Doctor gets roped into the Doctor project, which means that when Fred dies during the war, neither of them get informed for months due to the lack of proper communication channels.

This is something they both feel very guilty about, especially considering the fact that they have two nephews who got immediately lost in the overworked system without any other relative around who could look after them.

Anyway, also during the war, the Doctor gets captured by the aliens, and held for a good few months; he barely ever acknowledges that this ever happened to anyone, even when he is literally hospitalised after rescue. He just...pretends that everything is fine and dandy actually.

His doctor is actually Harry who then gets roped into the whole Very Secret Doctor Project thing for like a month until the Doctor was determined to no longer need constant observation etc and then he's just sent back to his ship.

However, Harry has better communication with home than the Doctor, and also shore leave, so he's sent to basically tell Sarah Jane that the Doctor is alive and alright - they immediately hit it off and so after the war, Harry and she hang out a lot until he's also living in the house with her, the Doctor and their gaggle of foster children (their are a lot of orphans after the war and so the three of them foster).

The actual content of their relationship is debateable - they could be a throuple, it could be that two of them are a couple and the other is third wheeling like a boss, it could be that none of them are romantically involved at all - but they do care for each other a lot.

Also the children are Luke and Sky from SJA and Leela, who's probably about 16. They have a dog, too, called K9 because the Doctor has called every dog he has ever owned since he wasa child K9, and just added a MK on the end; currently they're on Mk IV.

After the war, they just sort of settle back into what they were doing before; Sarah Jane writes for her newspapers and magazines, Harry takes up a civilian doctor's position again at New Hope and the Doctor returns to blackmailing people into Doing Better, only none of them are all that alright after the war and hiding it affects how well they are with other people.

There are some arguments had, mostly with the Doctor and Sarah Jane as Harry is much more mild mannered - with each other, with various siblings, with annoying work colleagues - until they at least admit that something is wrong, and then they go from there.

Fifth Doctor

The Fifth Doctor is the computer guy. He studied computer science at university and as well as developing quite a lot of high level software, he also developed cheaper hardware storage stuff.

With a lack of people I wanted to make him related to, I made him a Cranleigh - I think this was so he could go to boarding school and hate literally everything about it apart from cricket. His notes say that he cuts most communication with his family after going to university so they're not that important to the story.

During the war, he gets caught under a collapsing building at one point which causes nerve damage to his spine which affects the communication between his legs and his brain, periodically causing the connection to short out and his legs to collapse; the collapsed building also means that he can get quite a lot of pain in his legs, and should really be using crutches (only he forgets to bring them with him a lot).

Before the war, he works for some sort of big tech company who fund a lot of his research but after the war he doesn't particularly want to do research any more - nor work for a big tech company - and goes on to lead the IT department at Royal Hope. Which consists of Turlough (who is there because he needs a job after school and he heard that IT jobs were really easy actually) and possibly a few other characters (I've heard of some that exist in audio format, so when I get there, I may edit this).

He also fosters two kids in the aftermath of the war: Adric, who's mother was Fred and who's older brother died in the time that they were lost in the foster system, and Nyssa, who's father Tremas Masters (the Ainley Master) got imprisoned for murdering both of his wives and very sweetly asked his old university roommate if he might very kindly look after her for him.

Tegan is Nyssa's girlfriend and is subsequently always around at their house, to the point that the Doctor just gave her a key and makes supper expecting that she'll be there.

As for Peri, she and the Doctor meet at the local garden centre, and now she comes around to help look after his garden because her apartment is too small for a proper one (she and Six keep saying that they're saving up for an actual house but that might be a commitment too far).

There are the inklings of an actual plot idea I had here? In my head, somehow the Master escapes prison and intends on escaping the country with his daughter, only the Doctor is like no??? You can't do that to Nyssa??? And someone gets hospitalised.

[A note about Royal Hope, and also Cole Hill, and other reoccurring places: occasionally, the characters coincidentally working at these places is an actual coincidence, but the rest of the time it's because the Tardis has a lot of sway with people and she is always pushing the doctors and their friends to work in similar places so that they actually talk to each other again.

Or something like that. Honestly it's just plot contrivance because I like putting them in the same working environment, it makes it easier for me]

Sixth Doctor

The Sixth Doctor studies law and philosophy, being a lawyer both before and after the war. He's a really good one too, just really obnoxious.

I don't have a lot for the Sixth Doctor yet because I know he has a few audios that I want to listen to for some ideas, but I am very fond of the two seasons we got of him so here's what I have:

Peri meets the Doctor because he represents her in court when she's fighting her stepfather over something; after the court case (which they win) they go out for a few dates, and even though he's obnoxious and incredibly big-headed, he's also weirdly sweet and gentlemanly and so they get together officially.

Then the war starts and the idle talk they had of getting married/getting a house gets pushed aside while the Doctor joins the project and Peri helps with farm work by using her botany to develop crop something or other.

The war really did affect the Doctor. When he was younger, he suffered from Bipolar Depression but got it under control with medication and therapy, but the war and it's aftermath dragged that out of the depths which definitely put an extra strain on his and Peri's relationship.

When it's really bad, he did try to strangle her (like in the show) which did cause her to leave; but she does come back eventually, after the Doctor calls to apologise, and he does get it back under control.

At some points, it's really not the healthiest relationship, but it doesn't stay like that forever; it's something I really want to get into with my writing and I have the outlines of a fic over the period that he and Peri spend sort of separated.

On a lighter note, some of the other characters of the era! The Master keeps appearing on his doorstep after escaping prison looking for help and the Doctor keeps refusing to give it because he did try to kill Five; he once is a prosecutor against the Rani for unethical experimentation and she straight up sends a hit out against him; the Valeyard is his coworker who hates the Doctor a lot more than the Doctor hates him; and Mel is straight up just his personal trainer at the gym who got WAY too invested in his life.

Seventh Doctor

The seventh doctor is a high level tactician for the MOD before the war, and is actually one of the ones to help collect the other doctors together. He actually continues to do his MOD job while doing the Doctor Project which means he's the only doctor to really have a good understanding of what's happening around the world in real time.

However, he doesn't really have anyone to write home about. He grew up in foster care and it took a lot of effort to get to where he was at the outbreak of war, and so he didn't exactly have that many friends about.

The exception to that is Mel who he grew up with in part and so he does send her the odd letter.

After the war, he gets made redundant by the MOD and goes on to become a PE teacher at Cole Hill; he always dresses like he might be lecturing on politics or history, and stands on the sidelines while watching the students. Or he actually lectures on history or politics; honestly the amount of PE that's done is reliant on the mood.

He also ends up living with Ace; officially, she's his foster daughter, but she's so fiercely independent that she insists that they're roommates and he was willing to accept that.

I wish I did have more for him but I'm hoping that as I get through the Audios and books and such like, I'll get a better understanding of his era and the characters around it to make something a bit more developed.

Eighth Doctor

I'm only eight or so audios into this doctor's travels with Charley, and I have yet to read the Eighth Doctor Adventures (although I am looking to) so this isn't at all a complete section.

The Doctor is an expert in psychiatry and neuroscience, specifically in memory, mostly due to his own issues with memory throughout his childhood.

I'm still debating what the actual cause of the memory issues are, but I'm thinking that it might be because he had epilepsy as a child that was believed to have gone as he grew into adolescence but returned due to one (or multiple) head injuries during the war. I know there are certain types of epilepsy that can really affect the memory.

Either way, the Doctor also seems to be a bit of a romantic and very easily swept up in someone else's life; I see him, before the war, having a disastrous marriage to Grace Holloway which breaks down over four years of not seeing each other and ends in divorce as Grace returns to the states.

After the war, I think that he rents out the rooms in his house which is how he meets Charley, but that's about as far as I can really go with other relationships in his life because I haven't seen anything else of his stuff.

Ninth Doctor

The Ninth Doctor is an expert in mechanical engineering and is the one who does the main body of creating the Moment (the thing that takes out the alien invader's mothership).

He is the son of the War Doctor who's the General who Seven went to with his idea of creating a project to end the war, and the one who officially leads them. He mostly raised the Doctor single-handedly but was not exactly the most caring man in the universe.

The Doctor has a lot of very complicated feelings about his father which don't really get resolved because he (the War Doctor) sacrifices himself to set off the Moment.

Anyway, the Doctor never really wanted to get into Academics and become some sort of fantastic mechanical engineer but his father really pushed it (especially when it became clear the Doctor would never join the army); so after the war, he becomes a sort of freelance mechanic and works with Mickey.

Which is where he meets Rose. Rose often comes to visit Mickey at the end of his shifts because they're friends and live close together, and so she and the Doctor meet regularly there until they are both like...want to go travelling?

Rose was 19 when the war started, and runs the Bad Wolf magazine which she basically created at the beginning as a sort fo morale booster and also because she didn't like how the newspapers were reporting and wanted to make something that wasn't filtered through a hundred government filters; Sarah Jane actually writes for it during the war and on occasion afterwards, and is quite a good friend of Rose's for all that they don't see each other face-to-face all that often.

Still, after the war, sales of Bad Wolf kinda drops off a bit but Rose really loves the magazine and so wants to try something different: she wants to travel so she can see the world, and show people how people are rebuilding and getting their lives back in the aftermath (and help out where she can). She tells the Doctor this and then he offers her his van, and they start travelling together.

They live out the back of his van for years and they're quite happy to do it; they get married in Paris, periodically come back to visit Jackie (who is naturally rather displeased about this life choice they've made - although it's fine because they paid for her to come to Paris for the wedding), and just generally having a good time. They're like van lifers except not obnoxious about it, and when they eventually have Mia, they move back to the UK somewhat permanently (they still travel on holidays) so that she is living somewhere steady and permanent in her upbringing.

We also can't forget about Jack - he was a pilot during the war who also wrote for Bad Wolf, usually entertaining and slightly flirty pieces, and after the war, Rose and the Doctor invited him to travel with them after a few years. When they settle down in London, he moves to Cardiff for a bit on a 'journey of self discovery' where he meets the various Torchwood team (I have to admit I haven't got around to watching Torchwood yet).

He is Mia's godfather (so is Mickey, and Shareen is her godmother) and he dotes on her like no-one's business.

Tenth Doctor

The Tenth Doctor is an expert in anthropology and archaeology. He's Donna's little brother although there isn't much of an age difference between the two of them.

Of all the doctors, he's probably the one I've had the hardest time with.

I know he has a wife who died during the war (I'm thinking that this might be Astrid, for lack of someone better), and that Donna's boyfriend Lee died during the war as well - a lot of people did, during bombings and attacks and that sort of thing - and that with his wife he had a daughter (Jenny) (although I'm also playing around with the idea that he also had a younger daughter, that being Sally - as in Sally from Blink).

In the aftermath of the war, then, he and Donna move in together to help each other out, and eventually their mother and grandfather join them as old age arrives.

Donna meets Shawn in the aftermath and they get on well, and have a very healthy relationship and marriage. On the other hand, we have the Doctor who has the worst situationship ever with Martha.

In the aftermath of his wife's death, he meets Martha who got her medical licence during the war and has been working at Royal Hope since then, and I know that they probably hook up a few times in what is absolutely not recommended.

This is where I get a bit stuck on how things develop from here. I've been getting fonder and fonder of Tenmartha as I think on it more (although Martha does not deserve him) but I do quite like the idea of the two of them coming out of trying to force a relationship and being like...oh we're much better and healthier as friends.

Also, although that epilogue for them came out of nowhere, I do think that Mickey and Martha have a lot of potential as a couple.

There's a lot more I would like to develop here but I shall see what happens as I start writing some more of this.

Eleventh Doctor

The Eleventh Doctor was chosen for his mathematical skill. He's also the youngest of all of them, having just finished his PhD at age 20 as the war broke out.

He's the adopted son of Brian, so Rory's younger brother by a few years, and used to follow him and Amy around like a duckling that had imprinted on the closest moving thing. He did end up going to university quite young (honestly like most of the rest of the doctors) and it's there that he met Strax, Vastra and Jenny who took him under their wing as they were older students.

The war happens before he can really start a job and after the war, he struggles for a bit to find his place, but eventually ends up working with his old university friends in the Paternoster Detective Agency.

Amy and Rory get married after the war - Rory is a nurse at Royal Hope, which he was training for before the war, and Amy is a painter. She always intended on being a model or something like a fashion reporter, but during the war she found painting brought her (and others) the joy that could sometimes be very lacking in such a desperate time.

Her favourite artist is Vincent van Gogh.

They have Melody, although her birth is rife with complications, and so they decide to settle very happily with just the one daughter. She is doted on so completely by everyone, especially her uncle; there's a period when she's like four or five when she is convinced that the Doctor is a secret agent of some sort and gets really into all the spy sort of things.

She makes him play dress up with her and she calls herself River Song because it sounds cool and secret-agenty and the Doctor is her quirky sidekick.

[I debated with putting River Song in as a separate character but I wasn't quite sure what I would do with her? There's potential there for an AU of sorts where she is there, but I unfortunately never quite vibed fully enough with River for her to be a major player in the Main AU]

He lives with the Ponds for a bit after the war, and then moves in with Craig, but when Craig moves out with Sophie, he mopes about it and moves back in with the Ponds.

It's around this time that he meets Clara; she's an English teacher at Cole Hill and her mother went missing nearly five years ago. After trying to get the police to do anything at all, and then saving up the money, she hires the Paternoster gang to find out what happened.

What actually happened is still a bit of a mystery, but she definitely isn't still alive, which the Doctor is the one to tell her the news.

I don't think I'm going to do anything romantic with them but I do think they're quite cute together, so I might dabble. But also I quite like the Doctor being aro and I can see him just living with the Ponds and never leaving.

Twelfth Doctor

The Twelfth Doctor is an astrophysicist. He's spent a lot of his life developing telescopes and astral bodies, but after the war, he mostly just lectures. He's such a longstanding part of St Luke's university that they probably couldn't fire him for anything short of murder.

He's married to Missy quite young, actually, although they never had children; she has spent like half of their marriage in prison though, and now spends most of her time hanging around the Doctor's office being annoying to all his students.

During the war, he did get blinded. It's something he has a complicated relationship with, and does not like it when people mention it around him. He uses a cane when he moves around and wears sunglasses because it hides that his eyes aren't necessarily looking at the person he's talking to.

Again, he has a complicated relationship with it.

Nardole is his teaching assistant, only he's massively overbearing about every aspect of the Doctor's life (only he just manages to be endearing enough that the Doctor doesn't just fire him on the spot).

Bill is, like in canon, someone the Doctor tutors, only now instead of getting to see the galaxy, she has he, Missy and Nardole giving her wildly different yet equally terrible dating advice, which somehow works to get her with Heather.

As for Clara, I genuinely don't know what to do with her; she's such a big part of the Twelfth Doctor's story that I do really want to have her be an important character, but I don't know how. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear them!

Thirteenth Doctor

The Thirteenth Doctor is an expert in microbiology. She's a government researcher into disease for the few years before the war, but after the war, she becomes an A&E nurse. She found that she preferred chaos and wanted something that was less science based but still within her interests.

She's fostered by Graham as a child, which is how she knows him, and subsequently how she comes to know Ryan and Grace, when Graham meets them. Her mother was Tecteun who she was taken away from when she was twelve due to the fact that Tecteun was a piece of shit (as in canon).

She wrote a lot to all of them during the war; out of all the Doctors, she probably spent the most writing letters (apart from maybe Six who wrote to Peri...so much, he spent so much time agonising over writing letters to her).

She knew Yaz from school and they both moved to London after the war - they met up again when they both returned from the war, and they decided that a change of scenery from the place they grew up might do them good.

London was one of the main targets during the war so there was a lot of practical work and training to do in both the police force and in nursing (which is what the Doctor wants to go into); they stay in shared accomodation and volunteer to help with the rebuilding effort in some of their free time.

When the rebuilding is mostly finished and everything has started to even out again, they stay in London; the Doctor has a job at Royal Hope and Yaz has found her footing in the local police force. They visit Sheffield a lot though, and invite Ryan to stay with them a lot, so he can get away from all the Old People.

Fourteenth Doctor

The Fourteenth Doctor technically doesn't exist. The Doylist reasoning for this is because there was far too little that separated the Fourteenth Doctor out to make him his own character in a modern AU; the Watsonian is because there was meant to be a Fourteenth member of the Doctor Project but he died in transit to the first meeting. Out of respect, the rest skip over the number that was meant to be his.

I've played around with the idea that the Fourteenth and the Tenth Doctor were siblings/related/possibly twins but I think this might be more of an AU sort of thing.

Fifteenth Doctor

Obviously we haven't had the Fifteenth Doctor's actual first season yet or much of anything for him (very excited for it though) so this is very much a work in progress - I'll make more decisions about his story after the season has come out and I've watched it; from vibes alone though, I think he'd be possibly an expert in sociology, and after the war he would own a club or something similar, where Ruby would get herself a job.

Notes and Stuff

Congratulations for getting this far lol! This AU is very precious to me and gets bigger every time I watch a new episode/listen to a new drama/rewatch/relisten/etc.

There are a few general things I'd probably note: all the Doctors have like...actual names (mostly John or a variation there of) but I refer to them all as the Doctor because that's what rolls off the tongue more easily.

Another thing is Idris/the Tardis - on one hand, the original idea was that she would die and her funeral would be the thing to get the Doctors back together so to say, but the more I think about it, the more I would like her to live.

I'm planning on writing some fic for this AU and posting it to AO3 - there's a Sixperi fic I really want to write, and I'm a sucker for some family fluff with various Doctors - and I might draw some stuff, so stick around if you're interested :)

I've only been really into Doctor who for four or five months, and with such an expansive EU (and frankly, such a lot of main content), there's a lot I don't know (although I very much intend to know it one day). If you got this far, I would honestly love to hear your general thoughts and ideas on the AU, a lot of the Eleventh Doctor stuff I worked out was developed from conversation I had with a friend!

Anyway, thank you for getting this far! And thank you for the ask to let me ramble, it took me a while to get all the rambling together but now I've finished, I'm really pleased I got here.

[backtothefanfiction]

As It Was

Summary: Javier has finally come back home, hoping his new demons from Columbia will drown out the ones he originally ran away from. Unfortunately, he’s not having much luck.

Word Count: 2.3K

Warnings: mentions of a car accident and relative/old girlfriend death

(This is just an introductory chapter, but other chapters may include smut. All will be marked with correct warnings)

A/N: this has been sat in my drafts for a couple weeks now. I had hoped to write the whole thing and drop it in one go, but seeing as I’m back to writing my book I don’t know when I’ll come back to it and it’s too good not to share. I was going to make this a reader insert however the opportunity to use Taylor Swift songs and do perspectives from the female characters perspective labelled Taylor’s Version was too good an opportunity to pass so it is an OFC fic (I hope that’s okay). Anyway this is the first in this little mini series inspired by Harry Styles songs and I hope you enjoy. So without further ado, welcome to Javi’s House!

ONE : As It Was

Javier didn’t want to come home. He’d been running for so long he didn’t even know what home was anymore. He wasn’t a complete asshole so of course he had been back once or twice to visit his Dad; but whenever he had, he had never actually left the farm. That was unless he absolutely had to, or he was headed back to the airport to travel to wherever the DEA sent him next.

For the longest time, Javier thought his demons from everything that happened back home would forever haunt him and be his boogeyman, but after nearly 15 years working for the DEA and his countless years spent in Columbia, everything back home finally felt like the lesser of two evils. So here he was, back living on his Father’s ranch, hoping that the moment he set foot back in town, it would be easier than when he was 21.

“Ey, hijo,” Chucho said, slapping a hand on his son’s shoulder over the back of the couch, “what do you want for dinner? I’m gonna call down to Annette’s, grab something to take out tonight.”

Javier rubbed at his face as he tried to remember who Annette was and what type of restaurant she had. Annette had been a school friend of his Father’s. She’d opened up a small bar and restaurant in town back in the 60’s. They usually had local talent playing on a stage in the corner on weekends and Javier had many memories as a child of being taken there as a kid.

“That place still open?” Javier frowned slightly as he looked back at his Father to find he had stepped away to potter in the open plan kitchen on the far side of the house, getting himself a scrap of paper and pen to note down the order ready to call.

“Yeah,” Chucho sighed as he made his way back over to Javi, a slightly pained expression on his face that he attempted to hide. His father’s health had been yet another reason why Javier had come home. He knew his Father was stubborn. They’d spoken multiple times over the years about either hiring some help or his Father selling up and retiring properly; but the ranch had been his parent’s dream and he knew his father would never give it up before he completely ran himself into the ground first. “You know,” Chucho added, “they did it up last year, looks really nice. Annette’s aunt died and left her some money, so they spent it on doing the place up. Looks real modern and nice. They redid the stage and everything.”

“Nice.” Javier nodded nonchalantly as he turned his head back towards the TV and the evening news. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t seem to step out of his old life completely. And every time he saw the boats on the river at the back of his Father’s property, it only made things worse.

“I’m gonna order the ribs.” Chucho said to himself proudly, as if he was getting himself a real treat, as he flicked through a leaflet in his hands. Annette’s place was more of a cafe by day, bar and restaurant by evening; and although she had long stopped doing take out food in the evening, she always made an exception for Chucho. “What about you, Javi?”

“Huh?” Javier said, struggling to pull himself away from the TV, “Ribs? Yeah, sounds good.”

“Eh, son,” Chucho sighed, looking from Javier to the TV, “you should really stop watching that crap. Your life is here now-”

“I know, but-”

“But- nothing.” Chucho said, reaching for the remote and turning the TV off. “Aye, Javi,” he sighed again, feeling pity for his son. He knew things hadn’t been easy for him over the years; losing his mother, the accident, his life fighting that mad man Escobar- he just wished his son still believed that he could have peace and a happy life- like he did- but Chucho knew better. He knew how much his wife’s death had affected the way he had raised his son alone. His own demons bleeding through, teaching Javi to hold on, instead of letting go.

“Why don’t you go into town to pick it up.” Chucho suggested, “See how different things are there for yourself. You’ll soon see things aren’t the same as they once was.”

Javier was reluctant, but in the end agreed. After all, he had chosen to come back and live here for good now. He couldn’t just hide away anymore.

▙▚▜▞▙■▞▟ ▚▜▞▙■▞▟ ▚▜▞▙■▞▟

The last time Javier had gone into town, it had still looked like it had in his youth. Paint chipped murals on the side of buildings. Flaking paint around the edges of shop windows. Certain shops, long boarded up, others more recently shut for good. But a recent benefactor had invested a lot of money into doing the place up. New trendy shops and cafes lined the street, scattered amongst the old familiar traders such as the butcher’s and the fishmongers- there was even an arcade now for the local kids. As Javier pulled into a spot at the side of the road, just a little ways up from Annette’s, he couldn’t help but let his eyes linger on a particular hair salon across the road.

The last time he had seen it, it had still been boarded up, remnants of the smashed headlights and brick, still scattered amongst the broken glass of the shop window from where the car had spun out of control and driven straight into it.

The memory burned through him, the sound of the car horn from how her body had slumped against the steering wheel, suddenly echoed in the back of his mind. He closed his eyes and forced the memory to go away, attempting to replace it with the memories of more recent horrors. ‘It’ll get better he told himself’, as he composed himself once more, shaking off all of the memories and climbing from the cab of his truck. He can still feel the memory haunting and calling for him to look back, but the sounds of the crowd and music down the road at Annette’s called louder- along with a need for Annette’s famous ribs in Jack Daniel’s BBQ sauce.

As he steps closer, he sees what his Father meant. Annette really has done the place up. The old windows now fold open, people spilling out onto tables under a veranda on the street. Quirky halogen bulb string lights go back and forth in lines, both inside and outside. All of the old tables and chairs have been replaced, making way for new freshly sanded pine tables and benches with metal legs and where the old stage used to be a small thing tucked in the corner, it now spans most of the right wall inside. The bar itself didn't look too much different, the stools were the same old beer bottle top inspired seats, but all the taps looked new, including a couple extras for some local craft beers.

The place was heaving, people chatting loudly over background music from the jukebox whilst a few members of a band began setting themselves up on stage. Javier checked his watch- five minutes to seven- the live music on the weekends always started at seven, nice to know some things hadn’t changed.

“Hi, can I help.” A cheerful young voice said from behind the bar, drawing Javier’s attention away from the stage and back to the task at hand.

“Uh, yeah,” he said to the blonde who couldn’t be that much older than 21 herself, “I’m picking up an order for Chucho.” he shouted back across to her.

“Oh you must be Javi,” she smiled, “Annette said you’d be stopping by, she said you’d just gotten back from Columbia.”

“Uh, yeah.” Javier gave her a polite but small smile that told her he didn’t really want to talk about it.

She hesitated a second, not sure how to respond, “Uh, I’ll just go back and check on the food for you.” she quickly said uncomfortably, as she began to make her way out through a door on the far right side of the bar.

Javier rubbed at his face and sighed. He felt bad for making her uncomfortable, she was only doing her job, but he had always found small talk arbitrary.

A sudden tap, tap, tapping on a microphone burst through the speakers and Javier found himself turning, along with the rest of the patrons of Annette’s, towards the stage where a guy- not too younger than Javier- now stood center stage, ready to announce the band.

“How we all doing tonight?” the man cried and the crowd, scattered around the bar, began to hoot and holler and whistle. “I’m glad to hear it!!!” he replied and the crowd began to settle a little. “Now, although we all know you love coming out for Annette’s signature sauce, we know you come out on a Friday for these guys even more!” He said, and the crowd began to holler again, as a young brunette climbed up onto the stage behind him, nodding and smiling to her bandmates, as the guy from Annette’s continued to introduce them. “So without further ado, their your favorites and ours, give it up, for BlueBirds on a Wireeeeee!!”

The lights went down and a couple of spotlights switched on, illuminating the stage and when the young woman who fronted the group stepped forward, Javier was sure he was looking at a ghost. “Good evening everyone, we’re so happy to be back here at Annette’s to entertain ya’ll this evening,” she beamed and the crowd roared as the band began to play the intro to a Dolly Parton country classic, “ To get everybody going we thought we’d start with a good ol’ country sing-a-long!” she continued to encourage the crowd. “Are you ready?!” The crowd cheered back- before they all began to sing Jolene.

Javier couldn’t take his eyes off of her. She looked and sounded just like- the sound of the door behind the bar swinging open and closed behind him, broke Javier from his thoughts. “Here you go. Two portions of ribs with extra chips and onion rings.” the young blond said, placing a white plastic bag on top of the bar.

Caught off guard, Javier quickly scrambled around in the pocket of his jeans for his wallet. “Uh, how much is it?” he asked loudly over the band and the singing crowd.

“Don’t worry about it.” the blond said back, “Annette says she owes Chucho anyway.”

“Oh, okay.” Javier said, reaching to grab the handles of the carrier bag, as the singing of the crowd grew louder.

‘Jolene, Jolene, JOLENE, JOLEEENNEE, I’M BEGGING OF YOU PLEASE DON’T TAKE MY MAN!”

“Wow,” Javi said, looking from the crowd, back to the young woman behind the counter, “is it always like this?”

She smiles, “When the Bluebird’s play? Yes!” she shouted back over the noise, before she went back to wiping the bar top and unloading glasses from the washer.

Javier knew he should leave, get the food back home to his Dad before it went cold, but he couldn’t seem to pull himself away. Whether it was the comradery of the crowd, a sense of family and belonging he hadn’t felt in a long time, or the memory that currently stood before him on the stage he wasn’t sure.

When the song ended, the crowd erupted into applause, causing the brunette on stage to take a small bow, before she gave a small wave to a couple regulars who sat near the front of the stage.

When the crowd finally died down, she brought the microphone back up to her lips. “Now, as you all know, it’s been 20 years now since I lost my older sister, not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. So, if it’s alright with you, for our next song, I’d like to sing an original piece we’ve written in her memory called ‘Summer’, is that alright with you?” she cried into the crowd and they all clapped and whistled in support.

Smiling, if not a little teary eyed from the support, the young brunette stepped back from the microphone to where the guitarist of the band held out an acoustic guitar for her, that she slipped over her head. She gave him a small smile and a nod before she stepped back up to the microphone stand again and the crowd gave another cheer of support. She cleared her throat, strummed a G chord once, as if to ready herself, then she began to play.

The summer breeze, reminds me of how things used to be,

Holding hands and climbing trees, mhmmm,

You showed me how and helped me get back on my feet,

When I would fall and scrape my knees, mhmm,

Drinking grape sodas we would laugh in the back of the car,

The windows down we would sing, though we never went far, oh’

As the chorus kicked in, so did the rest of the band.

In the stars I will see you on those summer nights,

Running through the park chasing neon lights,

Laughing in the dark and those weekend fights,

Being with you all day and all night

Kissing in the dark like I couldn’t see

Showing how to love and setting me free

Summer you’ll be standing right next to me

Forever, forever for the world to see.

As the brunette sang, her lyrics triggered memory after memory- until it all fell into place. Him, Summer and her younger sister Taylor, running around in the park chasing fireflies. Summer’s favorite drink he used to buy for her before he went to pick her up. Sneaking kisses when she thought her younger sister wasn’t looking. Her late night calls after she had put her younger sister to bed so she could talk about her parent’s arguing. That’s why he had felt like he’d seen a ghost when she had stepped on stage. Taylor had grown into the spitting image of her sister, singing songs and keeping her memory alive for many more years to come.

[michellethefatpig]

My eating disorder story

Growing up, I was a normal weight child, when I was in first grade (bear in mind that in my country we start school at 7 and have it until we are 15) one classmate told me that I was the second most fat person in the class, then I started to be kinda orthorexic I started to eat cucumbers and healthy in general more, but I was only a small child, so after a while I ate normal again. Everything seemed perfect until I weighted myself at the start of 4th grade, I was 158cm tall and I weighted 40kg, I thought that I was super fat, but I just didn't seem to care about diet, then I started dieteing again when I hit 44kg.I was scared and heartbroken,at summer holidays I restricted and exercised everytime. By that I lost 4kg, I felt perfect. But then we visited my therapist(I hate this bitch, I started going to her when I called my male parent by father and not dad) she said that I got very thin, and told my mother to hide the scale. I started to eat very much, I put on weight again, then I started to starve, I didn't ate breakfast and lunch, and after school I had big binges but I managed to lose 4kg.My binges got bigger and bigger, soon I gained again. My mother discovered about me throwing out the food(I'm sure that my ex bffs told her that) and cutting myself on hipbones. I got in semy recovery I got medicine, then I gained and I was 47kg, but I grew to 162cm.And again everything was good, until I got into a fight with my old bffs year ago. I didn't do nothing at all, I just told that my other friend was right, but they rejected me and my tries to connect. I am autistic, so changes aren't easy for me. I tried to connect again, but they ignored us and my bestfriend who I supported told me that I was stupid and that the other bffs are toxic (we were 4 together) . I started to search, diets and stuff, to lose weight fast. Then I discovered ballerina's diet and by that I discovered also tumblr. As I got deeper into it, I started to count calories and overexercise, But I did it wrong, I thought I ate 500 calories and burnt 1000 but soon I was able to tell that it was kind of opposite. I started to eat 500 calories, then less less and less, I skipped meals whenever I could. I lost a lot of weight, 12kg.I felt very good but still not enough, then I went on camp with my ex bffs, the one got very toxic(even tho she was first blaming and insulting the other ones and I was the one who cheered her up), she was screaming at me, putting my things away to clean, she didn't understood that I needed to chew gum to not bite my lips(this habbit got worse, I can't even notice when I do that). She made fun of it, told me that it smells(it was bubble gum), then she multiple times called me names and I cried to my mother on phone everynight. I reunited with the other bffs but the one decided to bully me with the other one(I helpoed this one with getting a cat, and I spent all summer befor last summer with her). There was the one, she just comforted me 1 time.Once the two even kinda tried to get my phone , yk like they get ur phonr then pull it to their side, it hurt but I tried to be strong and not show my weakness I was very scared of them. And I got kinda sadder and more traumatized. After that, I started tok eat 1500 calories on daily basis, slowly smaller. Then I got to 800 calories. But I didn't knew that I was gaining weight. In winter nurse weighted me, 45 kg, horror, I was scared my binges got worse I was scared. And my friends still made fun of me for everything, my fictional crush(the bff was a kpop stan, had Felix from SKZ EVERYWHERE and I mentioned my 2d crush like 3 times and had a pin with him). She started to draw him in weird way, the others said it was funny, but I td her multiple times to stop insulting me, making fun of me and stuff like that. Then we got in a big fight.1VS3, of course I apologized first, like I always did, even tho it wasn't my fault. I just did. Then I opened my eyes, they were the only friends I had. But they told all of my secrets to my mother. I also won fight with them alone xddddd(but its a diff story)

[miitarashi]

Hey my beautiful peoples!

This will be fixed with the infos about the requests aNd the ✨prompt list✨ (i really love this thing lol).

First - Info.

Will write: almost everything in general.

Fluffy

Yandere (yep,i kinda know how to write this don't ask me how)

Angst

Slow burn

Even NSFW is on.

{Yes,i do NSFW too,but for characters with the right age. I don't really mind writing about it}

Will not write: the most insane and disgusting things. Some examples:

Incest

Proshipper things

Real psycho characters (sangwoo is a perfect example)

Nsfw about characters that are under age.

Even characters that just look like childs (the classic one that have 100000 years old with a 14 years old face) and etc

{If you request something that i don't feel comfortable,i'll abviously don't do it,but i'll make sure to leave message for you to know why your request wasn't made}

Reader type - probably any. As a genderfluid person i can write male/female or neutral reader with no problem.

Fandom that i write for (the ones who are colored is the ones that i write more about):

Fire force (benimaru my beloved)

Kimetsu no yaiba

Jujutsu kaisen

Hazbin hotel

The adventures of Tintin

Tmnt (mostly rottmnt and 2012/2016 version)

Boku no hero academia

Death note

One piece

Mob psycho 100 (Just and only fluffy)

One punch man

Haikyuu

Hellsing

Nanbaka

{Four characters is the maximum that i'll make in one request}

Now,the best part!

✨ Prompt list ✨

1 - "i'm...sorry...i'm so...so sorry...". "Ok. And i'll not forgive you"

2 - "no but...why?". "...why what?". "Why are you so fucking beautiful like that?! Dayum!-"

3 - "and now...you can look!". "This is...". "Yes...our new home,our new life"

4 - "you betrayed me,that's why you lost me,are you happy now?". "...i...still love you..."

5 - "i was...i was just trying to help-". "You just make things worse! Like aways! You are useless!"

6 - "oh hi! This is my ex boyfriend!". "Didn't i say for you to stop doing this? I'm their husband"

7 - "...why you still here...why you still love me after all of this...". "Because you mean the world for me..."

8 - "you know? I wouldn't mind kissing you someday". "Then kiss me,here and now". "...oh lord-"

9 - "i aways was there for you,every time,even if all the world turned against you i would be by your side....and for what...?....to just...be used..for the one that i loved the most"

10 - "i...guess...i have a...crush on you...". "...well...this is awkward...sorry but..."

11 - "Just because you cute,it doesn't mean i'll allow you to behave like that with me!". "....you think i'm cute...?"

12 - "hey...it's ok". "I know". "No no,look,it's ok. Everything is going to be okay". "....thank you"

13 - "i said no,i don't wanna hear it!". "Please just...just hear-". "i hate you! Go away! Go away from my life!"

14 - "hey! Hey! Look at me!". "Hm? Wait- don't jump off the roof-"

15 - "is it bad if i say that i...have...a crush on you...?". "You..do?"

16 - "You failed..." "...yes...and know...you gone...forever"

17 - "look at me...look at me please...no...no no no... don't do it... d-don't you dare close your eyes!"

18 - "i knew it...i knew you would leave me someday...". "I'm not leaving you,i just said that i need to go to the bathroom!". "It's the same thing!-"

19 - "How we end up like this...?". "You didn't know me. You knew the version that i wanted you to know,but now,you see the truth..."

20 - ✓

21 - "why you keep doing it?! Why you aways messed up things so bad?!...and...why i aways forgive you..."

22 - "is that...my sweater?". "...our...from now on oUr sweater!"

23 - "wasn't i...bein enough...?...i... i-i'm sorry if a wasn't making you happy..." "No...the fault is mine..."

24 - "...what are you looking at?". "Hm? Oh, nothing. I just really love the way your eyes light up and your cheeks get slightly red when you are excited about something"

25 - "i undestand but-". "No! No you don't! You'll never know! Stop pretending you care,i know you don't!"

26 - "would you...like to go out...on a date with me...?". "Oh,yes,of course!". "Great...!..so...what i do now? I never reach this part before-"

27 - "you like me...?". "Yes!". "....why??".

28 - "i trusted you...". "And so what? You trusted because you wanted,you trusted in someone that you created on your mind. Its not my fault,but yours for your naivety"

29 - "no...no no no! Don't die! Please!". "I'm not dying you idiot-"

30 - "its hurt...isn't it?". "Yes...yes its hurt...so...so badly i....". "Shh...everything...everything will be ok...don't cut it"

{For now will be just 30,i'll probably add more later. And please, specify who's gonna say what ok? Like "2 Tintin and 1 [name]" to be more for your liking. But if you don't want to it's ok,i'll do my best to make a good thing!}

Well...guess it's the end. Just one last thing,my english is not that good because it's not my first language,i still learning so please have some patience with me 🥺

(Please be aware that i'm procrastinating bitch,so if your request take too long or i forget or i'm lazy,sorry for this 😔)

Now bye bye!

[nounpolycule]

What is Esther Most Correct About?: The Tournament

[Image description: a double-sided bracket with 64 spots total, color coded so that each pair of options is the same color. The bracket shows the pairs that are described below. End image description.]

(link to my normal pinned post here)

We all know and love that I am correct about everything (or at least admire the confidence. Or maybe just put up with it. If not that then what are you doing here?), but what am I most correct about?

Round Two (link) (link but chronological):

"twelveriverrose autism4autism4autism stone butchfemme telepathy sex" vs "Jack and Rose had karaoke nights"

"Donna Noble is Jewish" vs "tentooriverrose"

"Rose regularly took naps on the jumpseat in the TARDIS" vs "Jack and Rose had a scrapbook in s1"

"Lots of River fans are wrong about River" vs "River is often wrong about River"

"Bad Wolf as disability" vs "Rose is autistic"

"elevenrose would be Worse than tenrose" vs "Immortal Rose would keep the Doctor's jackets after each regeneration"

"The Doctor and Clara are Pointedly a secret third thing" vs "Rose and Clara are exes"

"Grace should've been a companion instead of Graham" vs "13 should have hung out more"

"River carried pictures of the Doctor specifically because of the audio Signs" vs "River should have actually been giving back the diamond in THORS"

"Mia is short for Stayuexisumigorkefloryan" vs "Pete's World sucks" AND "Pete Tyler sucks"

"Gomez!Master comes after Dhawan!Master in their personal timeline" vs "Rose and Martha would have been besties"

"Jack and Rose should have gotten a more meaningful reunion" vs "Jack created the Bad Wolf computer virus"

"Rose realized she was bisexual before series 2" vs "Rose came out to Mickey in Pete's World"

"The implied pre-Winner Takes All breakup is canon" vs "You do keep turning up. Like a bad wolf." is the best "bad wolf" drop"

"The Doctor is a butch dyke" vs "rosetosh. not sorry."

"It's weird to think Martha still has a grudge after 15 years" vs Heaven Sent

Round One (link) (link but chronological) (Recap of Matches 1-16) (Recap of Matches 17-32) (Bonus Match):

17. "River carried pictures of the Doctor specifically because of the audio Signs" vs "Pottery is one of River's special interests"

1. "twelveriverrose autism4autism4autism stone butchfemme telepathy sex" vs "The Eleventh Doctor is a stone top"

2. "Jack and Rose had karaoke nights" vs "Jack and Rose had movie nights"

3. "Donna Noble is Jewish" vs "The lining of Ten's coat looks like old bowling alley carpet"

4. "tentooriverrose" vs "eleventooriverrose"

5. "Rose regularly took naps on the jumpseat in the TARDIS" vs "Eleventoo survived"

6. "Jack and Rose had a scrapbook in s1" vs "AUs where Turn Left is the same but Rose isn't in the s4 finale"

7. "River has futuristic tattoos" vs "Lots of River fans are wrong about River"

8. "River jumping off of buildings is hot" vs "River is often wrong about River"

9. "Bad Wolf as disability" vs "Rose has telepathy synesthesia"

10. "Rose is autistic" vs "AUs where River is not the Ponds' daughter"

11. "elevenrose would be Worse than tenrose" vs "twelverose would be plenty intimate even without frequent hugs"

12. "tentoorose are Not normal about their relationship" vs "Immortal Rose would keep the Doctor's jackets after each regeneration"

13. "Clara sucks, that's what makes her fun" vs "The Doctor and Clara are Pointedly a secret third thing"

14. "Rose and Clara are exes" vs "s8 is (mostly) good"

15. "Outing Yaz wasn't a #AllyMoment" vs "Grace should've been a companion instead of Graham"

16. "13 should have hung out more" vs "Ace would not flirt with Graham"

18. "The fan audio Exhausted Supplies is canon" vs "River should have actually been giving back the diamond in THORS"

19. "Mia is short for Stayuexisumigorkefloryan" vs "Rose develops major anxiety around cars"

20. "Pete's World sucks" vs "Pete Tyler sucks" (tie)

21. "Sarah Jane vouched for Rose in the Turn Left parallel universe" vs "Gomez!Master comes after Dhawan!Master in their personal timeline"

22. "Rose and Sarah Jane were besties" vs "Rose and Martha would have been besties"

23. "Jack and Rose should have gotten a more meaningful reunion" vs "Jack thinks Rose looks like Billie Piper - no one else really sees it"

24. "Rose blames Jack for every zombie she meets" vs "Jack created the Bad Wolf computer virus"

25. "Rose realized she was bisexual before series 2" vs "Jack says Rose's type is arsonists"

26. "Rose and Mickey made up in Pete's World" vs "Rose came out to Mickey in Pete's World"

27. "The implied pre-Winner Takes All breakup is canon" vs "No Hot Ashes >>>>>>>>"

28. "You do keep turning up. Like a bad wolf." is the best "bad wolf" drop" vs "The Clockwise Man was a better use of clockwork droids than GitF"

29. "The Doctor is a butch dyke" vs "Eleventoo deserves more love"

30. "rosetosh. not sorry." vs "Rose met the Tarot Girl in Pete's World"

31. "It's weird to think Martha still has a grudge after 15 years" vs "Ten's gender 🤝Thirteen's gender"

31. Top Secret Match #32

[caffeinatedgoddess]

When You Name Your Demons....

**TW.....abuse**

This perfectly sums up this little writing exercise. Sometimes, you need to name your demon to exorcise it.

My demon? My abusive ex.

Just when I think I've healed from what he put me through, it comes back to haunt me. And sometimes, I summon that demon myself in a desire to see that he's getting what punishment I hope is coming to him for what he stripped me of (because karma's a bitch). Not my proudest moment, but sometimes the urge to know outweighs common sense. My hope is that asking some of the questions I never got to ask him will complete my healing. Because 10 years is long enough, for fuck's sake, and I don't want to waste another thought on him. And, maybe it's time to fully focus on my self-care. I readily provide Reiki healing to others but don't spend much time channeling it to myself. Maybe that's because I didn't want to fully heal until I was able to put these questions out into the ether. Maybe now that they are spoken, I can work on the true healing that I need.

Did you ever tell them that you were the one who wouldn't let me speak to them? Did you tell them that I actually called, but you told me the only way I could talk to them was if I came back to you? Did you know the reason I changed my phone number and dropped off the face of your earth is because you would leave me a voice message almost daily? Begging me to come back and then in the very same breath call me the worst names and threaten me?

Have you told your friends, new and old, why it is that I left? Have you told them that for 15 years, you gaslit me, eroded my self-confidence, blamed me for everything that went wrong, and physically abused me? That despite your Christian faith, you treated me in a way that would make most people feel dirty and ashamed? Or do they only know the story where I ran off with another man who had brainwashed me? Did you leave out the part where you abused me for 15 years? Does it make you feel better that they don't know? If they knew, would you lose all the sympathy you've gotten?

Did you ever consider that the reason I left your faith was because you emotionally and mentally abused me on a daily basis, all while you professed your Christian faith? That maybe, just maybe, I questioned where God and Jesus were while I sat crying for help year after year, and it never came? Where was your God while I contemplated ending everything? Did you ever think that maybe I felt like I had to answer my own prayers because no one else was?

Have you ever given one second of thought to how badly you damaged me? How the constant control you exerted over me made me feel like I was in a prison? How my body never felt like my own (you even tried to control how I styled my hair and used the bathroom, for fuck's sake)? How the constant blame you put on me for the misfortune in your life wore me down? How I never once did anything to deserve the physical and mental abuse you put me through, yet every day I questioned what I did wrong in God's eyes to deserve what you dished out? Or have the past 10 years been all about you and how you were wronged in all of this (and don't even bring them into it - that is a whole different conversation between me and them if they ever choose)?

I walked away because you made me hate you. Your touch made me cringe because I never knew when it was going to turn into a mean-spirited pinch or worse. You made me not want anything to do with you or anything your life touched. I couldn't trust you to take care of my soul, because you made it clear your goal was to crush it. The only person who ever abused me in my life was you....and only you. According to your Christianity, you were supposed to protect me. Oh, you did a good job of protecting me from others. But no one was left to protect me from you. When I first left you, I turned to our Christian brothers and sisters for help. Guess what. Only one stepped forward to support me, but even her support was limited since her husband was friends with you. Not even the preacher offered help.

I'm stronger now. I'm a force to be reckoned with. I've learned how to replace putting up walls with creating clear boundaries. I've learned compassion for others and allow them to come to me with their troubles, all while maintaining my healthy boundaries. I've become 10 times the woman I once was because I have someone who loves me unconditionally and allows me to be me. Not the version of me that they wish I were. You wouldn't like this version of me because you wouldn't be able to control her. Hell, I don't think you could handle her. She'd be too much for you. Yes, you had a hand in building her, but that's only because she had to put back together the pieces that you shattered all by herself. And when she put those pieces back together, she didn't use glue. She filled the cracks with the purest of gold. Now that I'm finally done with you, it's time to polish away the tarnish and allow that gold to shine.

[personalanonymousrants]

I'm in a weird place in life, story time.

Every hour in my day is spent staring at a screen while sitting in my couch. Studies? Online. (Currently in vacation so yeah, not even studying) Friendships? Online, and currently very few (2 to be exact). Therapy? Online, once a week. Mental stimulus? Reading random posts on all sort of subjects online. Do I leave my house for anything, ever? Very, very rarely. Irl friends/companies? My ex, only him (he's not a monster, I assure you). We see each other every weekend and occasionally after he leaves work on a weekday when I *need* to get out of the house even if it is for just one hour to grab a coffee and watch the street.

I feel like I'm floating in the void of outerspace, completely lost.

Recently, I've been bombarded by my own thoughts of projects I abandoned. If you're reading this, brace yourself, this gonna be long. From 8 years of age I took great interest on reading, writing, acquiring knowledge (not always useful), learning languages (here am I fluent in English now). 12 years of age, I absolutely loved writing on notebooks (I'd always carry 3 of them EVERYWHERE in my backpack, each for a different topic). I would also spend hours on end drawing anime/mangá style art. 14 years of age, I got my very first tablet and began trying digital art and painting, while maintaining all the rest. I carried on all of those interests and hobbies until my 15 years of age.

In between 12 and 15, my privacy was breached many times and I got bullied for my art, for my texts, for my attempts creative expression as a whole. I was not one to express verbally already (actual autism, selective mutism), because talking felt unsafe and bullying made that worse. Overtime, artistic and creative expression felt less and less safe.

Until by 15 years of age I got into an abusive relationship and dropped everything. I lost my voice, and what was left of my ability to express myself along with my dignity and self-respect. I just gave up for good on trying to express myself in any way.

Got out of that relationship at 17. Entered another one with an alcoholic, made some attempts at trying to start writing again, on private, password protected journals on a website I won't disclose. Again I was forced to let someone read my stuff and had verbal stones thrown at me. By 19 I left that relationship, and entered another one. Healthier one, but not perfect, still with some toxic traits because nobody is perfect he is unable to understand some things about me and is unaware of others, all he knows is I'm traumatized (got PTSD from the 2 previous relationships), mentally fucked and hard to deal with. [He also has untreated ADHD (which doesn't favor him being able to listen to my long explanations of what's actually going on with me), and a very critical personality (though he means to be constructive, he lacks sense. Both of us think he might be autistic as well as he does identify with it, but he can't focus on learning more about it as he can't for any other psychology or neurodevelopment/neuroscience topic, at least he tried).]

I again tried to recover my interests and means of creative expression through art and stuff, but as a critical designer he'd give his unsolicited opinion and again unknowingly take away my freedom of expression by accident when he was only trying to help, he was unaware on how his comments hit me in a very different way and I was unable to communicate that to him, explain, or make him aware. That relationship ended by unrelated reasons when I was 22, in May. Just over a year ago. It was very hard to deal with the breakup and he remains as my only in-real-life friendship/social interaction other than my mom and occasionally grandparents.

I am currently 23 years old, I want to try to recover/reclaim my life, my voice, my creative power, creative expression, writing, drawing on paper, doing digital art. I started by beginning in oil painting, my paintings are unfinished and have been sitting in my shelves for months now with no new alterations. I feel like writing and I know not what to write about because there is this huge block which is something in between a creative block and a sense of danger/unsafe in my chest.

I feel like drawing on paper but I don't even try all the progress I worked so hard on making in my skills between 12 and 15 was totally lost. I don't know what to draw anymore (nothing comes to mind) and when I try it feels like everything is too ugly. Digital art is even worst. It's worth mentioning I lost any precision I had with a pen or pencil (I also shake a lot due to Anxiety and PTSD). So I decided to focus on other areas of life, started college online in a unrelated subject, while pursuing this technical degree online I'm also trying entrance exams for another university in a totally different bachelor (psychology) to do both at the same time.

I made projects that would suit well this focus on other areas:

Finishing oil paintings.

Reading Tarot/Sibilla/Lenormand professionally.

Teaching English conversation.

I have not taken a single step forward in any of those. It's like I'm petrified into staring at the computer and doing the same things over and over again:

Studying

Talking to online friends

Browsing random knowledge

Reading random books

I have lost my capability to organize my life/tasks and move things forward, completely. The only thing I'm moving forward is college which is now on break.

The wish to express myself creatively is calling me constantly, yet the block still stops me. The biggest advance I made towards that is rambling about my personal life in this anonymous page which I'm constantly paranoid about being linked to my identity or figured out by anyone in real life (specially my ex who's my only friend, or the closest I got to one. He has my back in a lot of stuff) for no special reason other than the feeling of unsafe exposure.

I will keep on trying to improve my organization. I will keep on trying to regain my power of self-expression, be it artistic, textual, visual, and even someday verbal! I know this will be a long battle, and any support is welcome since I have no means to express to anyone irl (other than my therapist) that I need that support. I must not give up even if any drawbacks shove me straight back in my isolated cave. I hope someday I'll be able to produce quality art again, in texts or images, and post it here, and eventually somewhere not anonymous. If I get there, I will be proud. I just don't know how to start or what to even try first, but somehow I will figure, wing it! Any advice is welcome. If you read this far, thank you very much for giving so much attention to this fragment of the story of my life, that truly is much appreciated.

Thank you, Tumblr. This is indeed an amazing website.

[cannibal100110]

for i have suffered

i felt this past year go by without a doubt concerning for myself, i’ve gotten worse. i never thought i could be worse than this? am i overreacting? overthinking it? or maybe i just feel as if i’m ‘attention seeking’. i’ve never felt so alone, never felt like this much of a failure, this low. 3:07 am, i’m back again after 8 months without a word. I never stopped writing, i just wanted to burn each and every time i poured my heart out from ink to paper. when i die i won’t remember this life. I never forget the things that happen to me, just accept them, never un-hate you kieran, never un-love you kieran. my step father. and my sex offender. I still miss you, all the time. i still think about you, what we could’ve been if you didn’t take things too far. if you didn’t look at me differently by the time i was 12 years old.

Dear Kieran Bell, i still love you, i promise, but i swear to everything i grip onto, i hate you. You’re the core of how i fucked up my life, the main reason i’m the way i am today. i never forgave you and i never will, but i miss you. i miss the way we’d blast music in the car until the seats were shaking, i miss the way you’d always let me pretend to use you as a punching bag, i miss how rough your fingers were. If i had to make you my step-dad in another life, i don’t think i would, but in this life i wouldn’t take it back, even all the affects you have caused, i still wouldn’t take it back.

Dear Dean, you despise me. I wish i never met you, even though that’s the first time we met, and the last. you. rapist. asshole. You, Me & my sister knew we didn’t deserve that. She’s addicted to cocaine now, you know? you did this to her. and for me? my wrists gleam more red than they used to, because of you. 15 and 17 years old. that’s how old we were when you wanted more than a glance of our young innocent bodies. My sister, she doesn’t hate you. But me? I hate you with all my heart. I don’t even know you, all i know is your name, and what you did to me. How fucked up is that? you tell me now, if you had a daughter, say 14-17 and she came home telling you a man she doesn’t know of had raped her and your other daughter, how would you respond to this? Because i know the answer wouldn’t be anything positive. Way too negative to put into words. I’m glad Aaron beat you the fuck up, once he gets out of prison, i’ll bash your face in with him. Fuck you.

love status, update 04.

2021, september i met reuben, we were in love bla bla bla he cheated on me, broke up in the start of 2023.

2023, i was with charlie, he cheated on me with my irl best friend. end of 2023, logan. logan was a narcissist. logan was a liar. logan was a thief. logan was a poser. i loved logan.

2024, i dated harrison, i lovvvvved harrison. we created soul ties, kept going back to eachother, until he cheated, never again. he was the biggest liar of them all, truly.

late 2024, cody found me, i was IN love with him. he was the ultimate liar. our relationship was so pure and gentle throughout the whole few months that we were together, when we broke up, i found out about the lies, about the cheating. He tried to come back to me, i gave him the cold shoulder.

I spoke to a few guys, haven’t dated any of them, though. Most of the ones i’ve spoken to i haven’t had genuine feelings for, apart from one. - His name is Zac. His voice is so soft, like his personality, he’s a gentle soul, very fragile, unlike all my other ex’s, he is different. I’d never chase one like him, but it’s him, he pulls me in. My feelings for his man have never changed throughout the time i’ve had feelings surface for him. He has a baby face, with a beard at the same time. He looks so gentle but so well put together at the same time. He told me the things he’s insecure about, all of which i genuinely like, the amount of hair he has, i prefer a hairy guy. He has back acne which he’s also insecure about, however i have that too and it doesn’t bother me if he does. I feel as if a weight is lifted from my shoulders when his presence is near mine. My body fingers for his calloused fingers to caress my skin. Not even in a spicy-intimate way, just in an innocent, loving way. a swooning way. I swoon over his man, he’s hurt me once before, not purposefully, and apologised numerous times for it, ohhhh how manly he is. Even with his soft spoken whispers i just melt over his existence. But if he hurts me again, I’m going on a break, i’ll update .. whenever i next have the courage to.

[godiswithuss]

Closure.

For something that took up such a big part of my life... it kind of ended anticlimatic. 6 years. From 9/29/18 - 6/4/24. It kind of felt like there was supposed to be something bigger? I guess what's bigger than a baby being born that isn't mine. If that's not a dagger I don't know what is. Looking back on everuthing that happened and seeing it as a closed book, it does bring a lot of clarity to what happened. Her faults, my faults, life's occurances. We were 16/17. She was all alone. She didn't have her family around her. I didn't give her a reason to trust that I was fully commited to her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Even if I did feel that, my god did I do a horrible job at showing it. She was 17, it was her senior year, that's what 17 year old seniors do! But man....

What would have happened if that incident didn't happen? Would we still be together? Would I have eventually hurt her due to my lack of immaturity? Was the relationship's destiny already written due to our youth and inexperience in life? Maybe. But what I do know is that everything that follows stems from this one night..

She was all alone. We were 17/18. I made the biggest mistake of my life. I was somehow more immature at 17 than 16. I made the mistake to not break up right. The right thing to do should have been to explain my feelings properly. I tried for almost 9 months to forgive and forget. However... I just couldn't. I understand her perspective. But my entire life I have wanted a storybook romance. And a blip like that... it just felt to big to overcome. I should have just said that. Taken a break from her and dating in general. Enjoyed my senior year with my friends. Gone to the movies, lose some weight, and look towards the future. What did my idiotic 17 year old do? Talk to her ex best friend and a former love interest and leave her to die basically while I went on a vengeful, disgusting, immature rampage. Why was I so mean to her? She truly did love me. She was trying her best. She was also an 18 year old girl who was fresh out of high school. She did make one mistake but damn did she do her hardest to make up for it. I understand I wanted a storybook romance but damn that is no reason to basterdize her and hurt her over, and over, and over, and over..... and over. One of the worst moments of my life and maybe my biggest regret is when I went over to see her once she came back to the state I took her ex best friend and some loser to the house too. Why did I do that. All she wanted to do was see me. TALK to me. We spent an entire summer away. we spent an entire summer away. what would have happened if she had stayed? would I have gone to even more extreme lengths? would i had stayed? could we have worked things out? maybe.

There are many more situations to write about my abhorrent behavior during this time which dwarfs her one mistake. Little Sombreros, 9/29/19 with her ex best friend, causing her dramatic weight loss, fat mexican girl, seeing her for the first time with other people in the car. Every single day that I spent with that white woman was a mistake and an unmendable scar to her and an embarrassment to my life.

Honestly, no matter how badly 2/7/20 and 2/15/20 hurt... it was so deserved.

Well, it kind of feels like that should be the end of the story right? She hurt me, I hurt her, she hurt me back, we were young and stupid.....

We were 18/19.

You found out about everything I did and was doing. In my mind, I was single and in your mind we were still together. That saying will be the downfall and the refrain for the next couple of years.

Looking back at it, we were both hiding so much. We were young, stupid, selfish, immature. What makes everything worse about is that I truly do believe that over all of that what we most were was in love. I know that you did love me. Even through all of that I know that you did love me. What saddens me even though I understand is that maybe you still think I didn't love you.

While she was on her revenge tour, I decided to learn my lesson. There was a pandemic, I wasn't emotionally right. So, I decided to take a step back and grow. I lost weight, I grew up a bit, and didn't talk to anyone else.

While she was trying to feel better with Tyrell and Keely and surley others which is probably for the best that I don't know about, I was alone. We went our seperate ways for a little while.

We were 19/20.

You came back to Arizona. We were a year and a half older than the last time we saw each other. We were both more mature (although you more than me). One of my biggest regrets is not giving it another shot during this time. I was still hung up on this idea of a cinderella romance that I was hesitant to try again. What would I tell my parents? What would you tell yours? How would it work if you moved back to canada?

I should have just thrown caution to the wind. It probably wouldn't have worked out. Even now I want and have a storybook romance. But, we were 19 and 20. Why not? We could have gone to such cute dates, we could have been together again. Why not?

Why was I so mean to you? Why?

You, loved me. It was such a sweet and geniune love. I hurt you so much and you still loved me. Even though I didn't deserve it. You gave me so much grace and love and care. You always say that you're a very angry person and that you have the anger of your parents. But you were genuinely one of the kindest and sweetest people this world has seen.

I mean... come on man. What the hell is wrong with 19 year old Emmanuel. YOU ARE NOT SASUKE BRO.

Even if it didn't last, we were young. Who cares. Even if it was temporary, I guess I do regret just not giving it one more try. Even if I knew the ending. I was trying to be mature but my GAWD MAN. Why was I so mean?

All and I mean ALL you wanted was just to spend 5 minutes with me. I mean the night I literally just sat next to you in your bed instead of being with you in it and enjoying the night. The day I picked you up from the airport and didn't go inside. JUST GO INSIDE MAN. SPEND TIME WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE AFTER SHE JUST LOST SOMEONE IN HER FAMILY.

I guess I was just scared. I was scared of my emotions. Maybe I wasn't as mature as I thought. Bro you literally just wanted to listen to a song. Why was I so mean to you when we went to pick up your textbooks? god i was such an idiot. no one you think I never loved you, especially during this time. i was scared of getting attached. I was scared of being hurt and feeling hurt. I was running away. I guess in all this 'growth' I did, i forgot one of the most important parts is forgiving yourself. because I couldn't forgive myself for what I did, I couldn't accept your forgiveness. like WHY WAS I SO MEAN WHEN YOU WENT TO PICK UP KILLUA?? god 19 year old emmanuel you are such a loser. it is a miracle she loved you for so long. I don't even fuck with you.

I remember when we went to go pick up killua too and now you have to give her up. i’m really sorry about her. i’m sure you know how anti capitalist i am and how much i hate money and it makes me sad that you have to give up something you hold so dear just to pay for human necessities. this accursed capitalistic system is the actual devil, not some made up demon with a pitchfork.

I guess I was scared of days like when we saw shang chi. we came back home with chick fil a, messed around, and watched hunter x hunter. It was a perfect day.

The thought which I am sure is true of you still going back to him never left though. Which is fair. I wouldn't commit to you. Why would you stick around? I guess during this time I just look back mostly at my faults. Why didn't I just go for it. It's fine if you hurt me. We are young. Maybe we could've had some more days like when we went to go see Shang Chi or got pho. We had some good times during this period. I will never listen to the beach house the same because of that night.

2022

wtv you go back to canda the entire year, you didn't really care about me, I was searching for a storybook romance. It's fine. We talked, we obviously still cared about each other, we still had love for each other but... what would have happened if you stayed in arizona? why didn't you move back? how would it have been if i committed in 2021?

2023

Happy 22nd Birthday. I was in Tucson and you were in Saskatoon. However, for this brief weekend we saw each other yet again. 18 months later. 18 months older. We had so much fun. I should have gotten a tattoo instead of piercings jajaja. endless tattoo would have been perfect for the occasion. I felt as though this was our swan song. One last moment together that can last a lifetime. At this point my resolve was undeniable. We were unfortunately not meant to be together. The relationship was too messy for me to ever tell our kids about. I never told you this but... I secretely did want to have a kid during that weekend and never find out about until years later. This thing that we called a relationship was and is too meaningful to just throw it up to being a high school relationship. I cried so much on my drive back to Tucson. 90 minutes of straight tears because I just knew in my heart, we had our last kiss. Sometimes it still doesn't feel real.

I knew as I drove away we were merging away. I had a feeling you would go back to him. Which I don't blame you. I could not bring myself to face anything. I was a coward in our relationship. Sadly, you were the only strong one in it. I didn't want to marry someone who I had to one day explain to our children names like Keely, Sierra, Andrew, and Nayeli. How could we love each other so much and hurt each other so much. What a beautifully somber story we wrote Makayla.

Now you have a child and I have new girlfriend. The first woman I have ever even looked at in 5 years. I wonder if you meant it when the last thing you wrote to me was that you hope I'll be happy.

ezryn yves… what a name. i’m almost a thousand percent positive you chose it because no way in hell he would pick names that cool.

So many stories left unwritten, words left unsaid, and emotions still held within. Yet the only constants that remains are that we did love each other, and now it is over.

- To what could have been, maybe we would be busy naming baby number three if a few things had gone the other way

[impossiblehumanoidunicorn]

So yesterday my brain decided to play the extentionalism game, and the question (it would've been a thought) was something like; What is something that was said to you, that still follows you ? Whether you notice it, or you've accepted it, could be a gift or a curse.

The first person I knew I loved, both times of us being together said, 'I need/want to be able to love you wholeheartedly.' But now imagine a 16 year old hearing, those words from someone who they loved wholeheartedly because they didn't know any other way to love someone.

I've always felt like the trial run of all of my exes, I've expressed this to most of them. If they're afraid to love; I sweep the fear away, until the carpet begins to shed the thread. If they don't communicate; I broke into libraries to find words that are easier for them to use. And if they didn't know loyalty; the lighthouse was always on, but it didn't mean there was warm food waiting for them.

So when I think about that sentence, I think about how I used to pour myself into everything and everyone, not knowing that what I was being given wasn't even close to the bottom of their milk jar. I guess back then, the person lacked better words and read something that made the words ' wanting to love you wholeheartedly', mean, 'I'm emotionally unavailable and I'm not in the right place for a relationship or actually want you.' because I look at the relationships they've had after me, and I see what I asked for, what I fought for being given to another person.

I won't lie, it does hurt but not enough for me to want any of them back, it's more of a sting; sometimes I even used to question if maybe I wasn't difficult to love, or it was because they didn't want to actually love me or they really were just young people with big emotions.

We're all definitely still cool, some are even friends now but to believe that one can ever love me, more than I love them is close to nothing..unless it's one sided - then I'm sorry.

And that was all because of a sentence that was said to me by my first 'real' wlw relationship (15-16)..

I dislike my brain, because this game of thoughts does not come from a place of breaking into healing, or some reflective prompt; it just makes the memories tied to the question float around my head until my brain remembers to switch it off, and on worse days the thoughts ignite the same feelings that were experienced during that time which is never fun.

With that being said, that same sentence has helped me walk away from a lot of time takers, and those who haven't dealt with themselves. Whenever there is a touch bu 'insinuation of that sentence my bags are already getting packed. We'll deal with the left laundry, if we meet again or they'll keep the clothes.

[tittyinfinity]

still confused as to why this is going on

i'm honestly not sure how someone can know that their (disabled) kid is crying from hunger while denying them the right to food as some kind of sick punishment. How can someone can "punish" a 28 year old adult by not allowing them to use the kitchen in the house they pay for

usually we'd split food costs but she has literally the rest of my money AND $5k from claiming me on her taxes so I have nothing

she's been buying food for only herself now despite eating everything I got with my food stamps in the time I was gone

I don't like putting it in my posts but one of the reasons I've been so hungry despite a few donations here and there is because I have a 9 year old to feed and he needs it more. I'm a single parent and I couldn't receive child support even if his dad could pay it bc the couple times i did they wanted to cut my disability payments.... make that make fucking sense

but yeah she left me with nothing. over a small table I've owned since 2021. bc she wanted to use it once as a table to sit at for a yard sale. when there's already a table in the front yard. The table is now being used daily by my friend's 2 children. I'm not giving one of MY belongings back especially whenever IT WAS IN STORAGE FOR A YEAR NOT BEING USED. No one gave a shit about that table until I moved it. IT WAS GODDAMN $15 ON FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE.

every struggle i've had over the years is from her holding housing over my head. ever since I was 17. "You wouldn't have been in an abusive relationship if you didn't run away from home" shut the fuck up it was LITERALLY a better option than what I was getting at home despite how fucking horrible that relationship was. And it was because I became disabled and my grades started slipping. Just the verbal abuse from my parents alone was worse than the physical abuse I received from my ex. Yeah.

I couldn't imagine doing this shit to my kid. Ruining their life and then blaming them for it. Repeatedly.

I knew this would happen when I moved back in.

She does one thing for you (except not really) and then uses as an excuse to be a horrible fucking human being.

Disgusting.

[ocean-anchored]

Sometimes I wish there was a recorder in our brains for our thoughts. It’s like I can process my thoughts better when I just sit by myself & let them ramble but when I go to sit down or open this page so I can write, it’s like I can’t process those thoughts anymore & I loose words. It’s bad enough where my mental state is & what I’m going through with meliss. Then to feel like my feelings are disregarded, lower than, insignificant, unwanted etc to my boyfriend has just made me plummet. When we finally talked this afternoon I thought at some points maybe it would get better. But then it got worse. I don’t like being talked to like that. It triggers me to how I used to talk to Travis. I feel so much shame saying that. I feel wrong feeling like I try to put up a boundary on being talked to like that because that was me. That’s who I used to be. I used to talk down to him. Like his feelings weren’t a priority. Like I was superior. Which truly was never an intent, I never sought out harm, I just realized & knew the WAY I talked to him made him feel that way. I was not perfect to say the least, I know that. I know I did damage in that relationship. As much as it was absolute hell & that he absolutely destroyed me, my worth, my trust, everything, I know I wasn’t good either. I was struggling to stay afloat. I own up to that. I got help. I went through therapy for a long time. I did a LOT of healing & forgiving the years after. I felt that I was better, I had a better understanding & self awareness of it. Also that I wouldn’t engage with such toxic friendships or relationships like that again so I wouldn’t fall back into that pattern. The pattern I learned from my dad & how he talked to me. Here I am sitting, feeling triggered beyond anything. Nonetheless that it’s the 13th today. The day I got married 4 years ago. I feel like an absolute worthless failure. So upon my impeccable timing with it being this day of all days, now I’m triggered with how my boyfriend is talking to me, because that’s how I used to talk to my ex husband because that’s how I used to be talked to my entire up bringing. What a toxic world. Such a toxic trigger. The enemy is at work today. Destroying everything. Destroying me. The only thing that’s been bringing me back out of absolute destruction of tears & depression is God. Listening to sermons & teachings. Reading the bible. Reading devotions to challenge my anger & feeling alone. It’s the only thing getting me through the last 4 days. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of feeling like I dealt with something & got past it & now it’s back in my face. It’s unhealthy. It’s scary. It’s sad. It breaks my heart. Being on the side of this again, bringing myself back to being 14, 15, 16, 17 years old being told what a horrible daughter I am. How sick and demented I am. What terrible character I have. How messed up I am. I’m not going to get my life together if this is who I am. I’ll destroy people & myself. To have my sister tell me that my character is bad. That I have massive issues in my character that I need to work on, which don’t get me wrong… I know I have issues. I know and what she “called me out on” was from 7 months ago & I know it’s definitely not an excuse to react & talk to someone like I did richardt and it’s not an excuse that it was out of defence & that not only he manipulated, lied & did damage but meliss was part of that. I never called her out. I never tore her a new one that what she did was absolutely wrong in every way. & it makes me angry that now after 7 months she tells me that I have horrible character with how I talk to people from 7 months ago when she was a huge part of the issue? That makes me mad. So yeah it triggered me. & then Zack today out of frustration telling me that I’m impossible to talk to etc, just literally 100th trigger. Just another blow to my face that set me back. Feeling worthless. Feeling like I’m 16 again & an absolute shit person. Why am I letting how other people tell me who I am dictate for myself. I know I need to spend time with God with how he sees me.