#journal update

[thedivinemechanism]

Missing log 1/?

9 November

I must make this entry quickly. Jayce has requested my attendance at a council meeting tonight. I asked him about it, but he insisted on sparing me any details, aside from the fact that my presence was of "utmost importance" to him. Whatever that means.

I'll go, if only to appease his ceaseless begging. However, I don't know that I'll be able to stomach being in that council room ever again. Even as a shrouded side-kick, I feel the consequences of my actions have forever barred me from the honor of sitting at that table. The other council members have committed far more heinous crimes, but at least I have the sense to acknowledge them.

At the very least, perhaps I can sway the council away from weaponizing our work. I only hope my grasp on Jayce is stronger than Mel's. Not that hope is worth very much at this time.

[ocean-anchored]

October 6, 2023 continued...

So he's been telling me that he probably isn't going to make it home for my birthday which I've been trying to prepare for. With little hope, I know anything can happen but I guess the more we've talked it's sounded like he might still be back sometime on my birthday so there's a chance I'll still get to see him. This week he's been saying how as soon as he's unloaded he's going to rip back and drive as many hours as he's able to try to get back ASAP. Yesterday while on FT, Rick was talking about how on Saturday they should park and drive an hour to go watch a football game which obviously, I don't want to be a downer and I'd never tell him no but my anxious brain has been spiraling that if he does go and it specifically carves into taking a day or afternoon of his drive time that he's going to miss even being back on my birthday I already have started to feel offended and sad that I'm not a priority or important enough to try to make it back in time. It's stupid, I know but I can't help but feel that. He had talked about Rick and his weird convo with him about his open relationship which just causes me more anxiety that any time he's spending with Rick outside of driving and work now makes me wonder what's going on or what he's going to try to do or get Zack into. Last night I took Nova out and when I came back and Ft'd with Zack he got a bit triggered or upset that I went for a drink alone with Nova. It was fine, he handled the situation good and we talked about it but it was just tough. I totally understand and validate his anxiety or worry about Cody being single now and that he's been gone for a while, I get it. I would absolutely feel the same way if I was in his position, I wasn't mad or upset about that. I just tried everything to reassure him. It's hard when he's gone, like he says words don't mean anything and can be fake and he's not accusing me but he got triggered being away for so long. I just feel like I tried to remind him how much I love him and dismantle any anxieties he might have and over express how he doesn't need to worry and his response was just "ok" and "i feel better thanks" and that he needed to go to bed. Which again, I get that it was 10PM for him but man I just felt like shit last night. I just don't feel like its enough. I feel like nothing I say is enough and he talks about how actions are everything, fine, I 110% agree but how have my actions shown anything but complete honesty and loyalty? & then meanwhile I'm here worrying that he might rather go to a football game instead of trying to come back to spend time with my on my birthday. I just feel like sometimes I keep putting my whole being into this relationship for him to be like ya well I still worry and he doesn't have to give his half. Idk. Maybe I'm just speaking way too soon and maybe he does come back on my birthday and maybe he does try to make it special but I'm trying not to have any hopes or expectations because I don't want to be let down. Then this morning he texted apologizing for how he acted last night and that he was tired so he shouldn't have brought it up. Then we finally FT'd for a moment but I could still feel him on edge with work so we barley said anything. It's just hard. Maybe I just continue to ask too much from a partner. Idk. I just wish that he would make this important or want to make this special. Who knows. I guess well see how this weekend goes and maybe everything I'm saying is all just bogus. Or maybe it's valid idk.

[ohsilverplease]

things that are happening

Big work event went well last week. I woke up this morning with the inkling of a headache that I was scared would morph into a migraine so I decided to work from home even though I was dressed and ready to get out the door. It's been nice! I wandered around and looked at all the pink flowers against the blue sky (from the peach tree and redbud) and took out the trash and got my friend's care package organized. And worked, of course, sent the emails to wait for the responses, followed up on a couple things, but after being on all day Thursday and Friday I don't feel bad about taking it a little easier today.

I finished the soup in the freezer and tonight I'm going to the movies with N, and this weekend we're going out for K's birthday and then I'm going to styro's gummy workshop on Sunday. I am going to file my taxes this week. I'm waiting on blood test results from the doc for a couple things including my thyroid, and probably making an appointment with the endocrinologist I saw pre-covid to follow up on my goiter. Next week I have an overnight stay at the sleep clinic to see why I don't love my cpap.

It's all boring but it's life baby!

[yeoldenews]

A selection of strange and cryptic personal ads from The New York Herald, 1860s to 1890s. 14/?

[notyourtoday]

Caption on post -

Interview with released prisoner and cancer patient Mohammad Aklouk, who had been detained since the start of the war. Mohammad describes the horrific conditions of his detainment, including the small, oppressive cell windows and the inability to see sunlight. The repression units frequently ordered prisoners to drop to the ground and brutally beat them. Mohammad emotionally recalls a fellow prisoner, Mohammad Al-Kahlout from Jabalia, who was struck in the head and died in his arms. Aklouk is one of 70 prisoners who were released on June 11th 2024 through the Zikim crossing west of Beit Lahia currently staying in Kamal Adwan Hospital.

By @translating_falasteen on Instagram.

Source: @mahmoud_awadia

Translation: @translating_falasteen

Link to post.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Whatever the result is, I will attempt to recreate it as a drawing!

[bigfatbreak]

Birds of a Feather previous / next

[batshaped]

six comic updates in two weeks

[lilbeanz]

Thank you for your patience while I was dealing with irl bullshit, and for the sweet messages while I was away🩷

[thedivinemechanism]

I won't bother dating this journal entry.

I'm not sure what day it is, and knowing wouldn't ease me any. I'm simply trying to get the thoughts down.

There was an attack on the council, one that should have killed me. Instead, it was Jayce who resuscitated me. I owe him my life, but not my gratitude.

I don't remember much beside the pain. And the droning. Gods. I could never forget the awful sound of that ringing in my ears.

I feel violated.. desecrated even. I had always told myself I hated my body, that I could never love that "parasite" that was myself. You couldn't understand what it's like to live in a dying body.

But this is worse.

I wouldn't say I miss the drudgery of my former body, but I miss the comfort and the familiarity. The feeling of it.

And the fact that Jayce did this to me... the fact that not only had I been violated, but it was by someone so close to me.. I had told him to destroy the Hex Core, but instead, he chose to fuse it into me. This is beyond any violence. I was more prepared to die than anyone else in that room.

The last thing I want is to argue with someone who finds his own desires more important than mine. "I didn't ask for this." Those were the words he used. Funny how people only seem to care about tragedy when it is THEIR loss. They only care about bloodshed when it's THEIR blood...

Perhaps I was too harsh to him, but I am well justified in my anger. I just have the sense to spare it.

[thejournallo]

Manifestation Method Masterlist!

This is a master list for every manifestation method because the other one was getting messy, and I don't like messy!

I want it, i got it:

Tips for manifesting Manifesting Physical Appearance Manifesting overnight (or at a certain time) How do i manifest WITHOUT a method? the diary method the 55x5 or 33x3 the 3-6-9 the 2 cups the no technique subliminal scripting vision board the rose quartz the pillow method the movie method the 17-seconds acting as if (Wouldn’t it be nice if) S.A.T.S manifestation box the cross method placebos left/right a love letter robot affirmations "i am" list the void state the void state pt.2 the eavesdrop the Q&A can i please have more? W.I. freauencis and vibrations Energy Exchange HOW-TO LIST How to manifest when you don’t believe The Dream book The Difference between the void and the void state it is happening. How to fight a negative thought Wish-list. How to ignore the 3D and how to do it. Talking about living in the end How to achieve our manifestation in less than three days. Everyone is you pushed out.

My other lists

[ocean-anchored]

Continued... April 25, 24

April 22 - Went to a new Dr which was great & then worked super late April 23 - Worked until it was time to see Sasha. We went to Orchard which was good but super expensive, super great vibe though & plants everywhere. Loved it & it was really good to chat with Sasha. SHe's been going through a tough time with long distance so it was nice that she opened up a bit & we really got to chat & connect. April 24 - Went for korean at a place nearby me with Meliss, again it was so great to catch up with her. Talked about her moving out too which will be exciting! I haven't told her about coleson yet, wasn't really the time & we talked about her mostly which Im totally ok with, but again, just loving my time with her & rebuilding April 25 - Today! Again just non stop work. Mom came by this afternoon for a good dog walk which was a good break. Then been working for the rest of this evening. Things have been pretty good all around. I've been feeling a bit disconnected from Amber but I think its internal & I feel like it's probably just me & then pushing away. Im going over tmrw night though so hopefully that'll help, it's been like over 10 days since we last hung out which I've really missed her. Its tough now with leaving for 4-6 days and then trying to squeeze everyone in. Kamber cancelled on me which sucks so thats going to have to wait another two weeks before Im back again ugh. Coleson has been back working hard so he's had long days too, we're both burnt out so it's been tough connecting & feeling like we're connecting on a deeper level but we both realize it & talk about it which is nice at least. He said again today that he's just ready to move forward this year & that with August being my lease being up that it's a good time. I keep wondering if I'm following my heart or my head or God but I feel like I get these confirmations & signs. It just feels so right, a different right than I've ever felt before. It'll be a learning curve for sure with country life though. Nova's been loving it, even though she's so darn co-dependant. Im trying hard to make her be a farm dog but the Saturday last week all the dogs were over & they were playing & she started to run with them which was great. I had taken a walk to Coleson's moms house for a quick hello which was nice & really tuckered her out but now she knows the area which is great. Anyway, im mentally exhausted & really need to relax so im signing off.

[ohsilverplease]

stuff for me to remember

But feel free to read my journal entry if you want

The bathroom reno is coming along -- I was going to say "nicely" but I mean right now it's just pretty dusty and everything's covered in plastic. But I've bought all the new stuff and went with the pale coral paint because it's more versatile if I ever want to redecorate, and they should be done by next Friday.

Today I had lunch with an old work friend who has also changed jobs and is now working downtown, and it was so nice to see someone I've known for 15 years, you know? We laughed about memes and her kids and how our lives are now. It was really nice.

I worked my butt off for an event last week and I just got a really nice card and a couple restaurant gift cards from the committee, specifically for places I had mentioned while chit-chatting with one of the committee members. I just feel bad because we decided *not* to get gift cards to say thank you to the students who helped out, and now here I am with a few free meals.

I'm going to C's after work but trying to wait for traffic to lighten up. I need to return a dvd to the library tonight, and I have to get at least a few groceries so I don't have to buy breakfast & lunch out the rest of the week. That will be the best part (not really) of having the bathroom done -- I can work from home again and not feel like I'm in the way. I might WFH Friday just for the heck of it, if it's nice, I can sit on the patio or whatever.

[sjonni33]

HAPPY SEPTEMBER!! 🌭✨ welcome to this month's shop update!! get yourself a blueberry mouse notepad, a sam keychain, or a poolverine sticker sheet!! or pre-order a deadpool and wolverine keychain!! 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨✨

shop here, including posters, stickers, and other keychains!!🫐

[notyourtoday]

Caption on post -

Thousands of Palestinians are being forcibly displaced from the eastern areas of Gaza city under heavy Israeli bombardment and gunfire.

By @eye.on.palestine on Instagram.

Link to post.

[askchuuyanakahara]

Chuuya, if you hate Dazai so much, why did you share your curry with him? Why do you take care of him?

Chuuya: "He becomes more unsufferable when hungry. And I knew for certain that he hadn't eaten yet."

Dazai: "Oh~! I know!"

Chuuya: "More like you're like some freeloading cat who only comes around to be fed!"

Chuuya: "Seriously, with you guys, I do anything with anyone and suddenly it labelled as a 'date'.."

Chuuya: "Only if they don't mind-"

Chuuya: "O-oi! Dude, no one's taking your food! Calm down! You're gonna choke!"

Chuuya: "You're a new level of idiot. It honestly still surprises me sometimes."

Chuuya: "Does that coat of yours have like a hole or something?"

Chuuya: "What even is this?"

Dazai: "Don't read that. Please."