#makes me too depressed bc like It Doesnt Work Like That
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the challenge of i should commission art of my ocs. would love to commission like, siiyr or bokrae, maybe krachyn or jula. siiyr or bokrae would make the most sense, maybe krachyn. i think theyre the ones with the most detailed notes on their anatomy
but also
oh god i cannot subject another artist to the anatomical war crimes i committed in making these ocs
#toy txt post#ig id be best off commissioning someone w a lot experience w like. centaurs. let alone commisioning them actually doing anything#interesting. the good bad news is ai cant do it either. fucking i cant even do it. why did i make these bitches. i gave bokrae a gf#but shes not. she cant even. her lips dont really do a kiss shape shes all teeth#siiyr has too many fucking elbows and a weird skull situation#bokraes skull continues to break my brain. i think it does break physics in universe. birdie did weird shit w that eye#its constantly trying to explode#the art ideas i have for bokrae and siiyr have plagued me for years even now in my depression funk of no new ideas#i cant bring myself to subject other artists to them?????#i should specify Bokrae's teeth more tho probably. i used to jokingly explain it away as she has all the teeth/they change#and. they do. canonically birdie has to replace all of her bones over time especially her skull. but also#that was me being lazyyyyyyyyyyyy#idk i know you dont necessarily need like a super detailed ref sheet to commission things but like. if i was commissioning my own ocs id#want that probably?#maybe i will try to draw the girls today. probably not doing anything interesting#bc i have not drawn for One Billion Years and im out of practice with Normal Human Anatomy let alone#these fucking Monsters#also maybe one day ill figure out Jared#pigeon head on a deaths head moth body with gemstone eyes is something i can see in my head but when i try to draw it it doesnt look right#so. need to work on that? the main thing about jared is that he needs to Scuttle#and id like to incorporate a pigeon#hm#hmmmmmmm
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#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before#is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things#the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the#weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad#not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a#prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country#my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for#treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad#as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain#shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing#to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird#when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk#i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach#out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like???#this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home#somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms.#but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long#term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting#whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot#i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors#i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival#unrelated
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I dont think yall know just how fucking much i have to reserve myself when i text them
#like I know nothing super extraordinary is happening atm but like... im a touch/attention starved bitch who doesnt know how to process shit#like they finally started typing a response this morning to my tattoo question last night#and when I tell you my neck fucking snapped in the direction of my phone as soon as I heard the snap notif sound......#im not even fucking exaggerating. I literally had to force myself to wait a few to open it bc if not i wouldve opened it the second it sent#at one point my phone was in the kitchen & I was in the bathroom. I heard the notif sound & the response was immediate & pavlovian#I dropped what I was doinf & made a beeline for the kitchen. again made myself wait a few minutes to open it#the urge to geek out & keyboard smash & send a ton of emojis when i text them back is overwhelming#I feel like a fucking teen with a stupid first crush. kill me please#on one hand im like stop being so fucking cringe on the other im like. I wasted my teens/early 20s not letting myself catch feelings#im in my 'fuck it im going to enjoy my life & have fun & not take shit so serious & not hide my true self' era#I spent the last 3 years basically self-isolating self-loathing & in a massive depressive episode#thinking abt driving my car into a median almost daily & telling mself I'll never allow myself to feel or get too close to anyone again#granted I still have a lot of personal/emotional issues I need to work on but im so fucking proud of myself for making it out alive#I told myself at the start of the year that I was going to live in the moment & enjoy what life brings me. Well. It brought me this#and dammit im going to eat this shit up with gusto & a grateful heart because im ALIVE & im happy/having fun!!!#and when eventually this chapter ends im not gonna let myself spiral & hate myself like last time#Instead im going to be happy & thankful that I was able to live & feel & love & enjoy the experience#im fucking worth it damn it#that's all. im a fucking cringefailloser sap & although I lowkey wish I was more normal about it at the same time i dont#emma rambles#personal
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my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.
#purrs#longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing#and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how#deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is#to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is#being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten#alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can#one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the#most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably#i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this#delete later#i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting#people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i#feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental#illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant#i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that#and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending
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sometimes I don't think I could be autistic and/or like all that neurodivergent and then other times my fiancé makes a practical and logical argument as to why we don't need a tiny colander that's too small for most tasks and that to save space in the sink/cabinets I should learn to use the medium sized one and honestly we should probably just get rid of the small one and I am filled with such an immense rush of panic and discomfort and grief that I can't even explain it properly until I am saying shit like "the tiny colander is my friend" and "using the big one just FEELS wrong, you know, like going to albertsons instead of safeway" and "next you're gonna tell me I have to use the big soup spoons instead of the little ones and I'll pass away" and I can tell while he does love me and isn't actually mad he def thinks I'm being super illogical and can't fully understand why
like yes I KNOW I am being illogical I am well aware of that...however!! If things are different I will die and if I have to get rid of object that is my friend I will ALSO die, and the only explanation I have is "I like to have things a very specific way even if it doesn't make sense or is less convenient or wastes time and space and changing it is REALLY hard I can't just go "oh you're right" and then change it just doesn't work like that" which is like.....not a great explanation I don't think but that's literally all I've got so???
and like this is legit the only thing we ever "argue" over(bcs we aren't actually fighting we're just talking) it's just him being like "hey the way you do things is inefficient and doesn't make a lot of sense, wouldn't it be easier/make more sense to do it this way?" and then me scrambling to try to articulate "that's fair, but this is the way I do things, I can't change that" in a way that doesn't make me sound dismissive or insane or something which doesn't really seem to work all that well, or like...isn't really getting what I mean across correctly at the very least
#my fiancé is wonderful and we weren't actually fighting#I just have like....I have a certain WAY I prefer to do thing and and specific things I use to do them#and using OTHER things even if they are basically the same#feels like he's asking me to cut my arm off#like he tries to logic his way out of things and I'm like yes I understand the logic#and then he's like 'okay so you're going to do it this way then?'#and I'm like 'no I can't I'll die'#so idk my brain don't work right or something#and I feel bad too bcs like he has to deal with the consequences of me being like this too#like he only brought it up cuz having to do an extra dish is annoying and I agree!! that must suck#and so I want to change to make his life easier...#but using a different collander feels like wearing my jeans inside out#it's not the end of the world but it does SUCK and my brain REALLY does not want to let me do it#I usually do try to accomodate when he points out a different way for me to do things#especially if it like actually makes sense to me I def try to do those ones cuz I agree#but sometimes when it's little stuff I get just a little offended and sad cuz it's like...#is it really such a big deal if I do things in a way that doesnt make sense?#it's so exhausting to try to change#and I'm already trying to deal with my depression and trauma#I don't think I can take not using the small colander even if it doesnt make sense
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Last night my mom was like okay tomorrow let's spend the day looking into the state health insurance stuff together and I was like okay great! I'll enroll in the work one and we will see if the state options are any good. I Can dream about doing The Artist Thing and not just continue to try to do the Normal (aka Neurotypical) Thing of a normal Job when my brain isn't good at that and it leads to embarrassing meltdowns and lots of stress for me.
And today.... she apparently asked dad to start working on it with me but I didn't come down for breakfast till 11 at which pt he started working on the easel he's actually decided to Make me for my birthday gift (crazy man! Looks at the ones in stores and looks at plans and decides he can do better and just goes and starts!), and he didn't mention anything to me before that, and she was at services this morning and then got some groceries and got home at like almost 1, had a snack? Lunch? And was like I'm gonna just sit down for a bit and then we can do that, but I started reading and just realized it's almost 2 so went to talk to her and she's napping. So. Idefk. I'm disappointed.
#also trying to explain that like. i have been masking a lot since i was young. so i seem 'high functioning' or 'low support needs' but that#doesnt mean NO support needs and Also ive been struggling more and more the older i get with everything#I'm realizing i will continue to need more support than someone else might think i would and#people simultaneously insult and attempt to compliment me abt it#like steph telling me i should move out and be independent meanwhile i struggle with making phone calls. i paid for driving lessons 2 yrs#ago and still havent called them back to schedule the damn lessons!#bc the mix of adhd and tism means i Cant Do It#i can look up stuff abt the health insurance on my own but I'm likely to just get overwhelmed and minimize the page and do nothing with it#i have meltdowns at work due to a mix of rsd and stress and frustration.#I'm struggling and need help but its help an almost 30 yr old 'shouldnt' need help with. and my over-60 retired parents 'shouldnt' be th#the support system for an almost 30 yr old who is so 'functional' like. I'm a gremlin that can pretend to be a person a lot of the time#and if not them then who? if i moved out how would i manage? between anxiety and adhd and depression and autism.#i already forgot to order my meds in time once! i forgot to delay an autoship and ended up with too many boxes of cat litter! i havent been#able to call the driving school back abt scheduling lessons after 2 yrs! i cant get myself to enroll in the health insurance!#i cant BE independent and i dont necessarily want to be about half the time but then i feel self conscious and ashamed and uncomfortable bc#I'm 30 and i dont ACT like it#and 'well youre not as bad as so in sos son who Cant hold a job' like. ma. I only got my job bc i was lucky.#bc i responded to tbe survey when i failed the little test in the application and someone read my response and decided to give me a call#bc nino was a good dude and the corporate bs hadnt gotten so bad at wfm.#and then my current position was also luck (or unlucky) bc diana left and they had no one else for the role and i was into the flowers and#helped out big time on making a display and on supporting floral etc before she left after a big holiday#and they were like so imran said u did a good job w that so would u be interested in the job?#i wish id said no but then i wouldve gone for supervisor which i also wouldnt have had fun with#like are there good things i got out of my job? if course. i did grow! i did learn a lot! but I'm not Good At It. is really hard on my rsd#to fail or feel like i fail repeatedly. and the stress is bad for me and I dont wsnt them to fire me over something stupid#and j hate the corporatism and the leadership#bc this type of job COULD bc good. i could do it. with a lot more support and a bigger team than they think i need#anyway.#i just... want something different.#i cant think of any traditional job where it wouldnt be the same shit
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work has been WAY less dreadful lately and i feel like im finally connecting with my coworkers because im not as shy & ive gotten more comfortable there and feel more adult in general but idk i think im just feeling down or something because i just cried about not being able to find a clean bowl in this stupid house i haven’t eaten since lunch and theres nothing here that i want/ wont make my stomach hurty except soup and thats going to be so unsatisfying its so dumb but i AM dreading work tmrw we have a meeting which always makes me insane anxious i hate being trapped in a room and having to sit there and not be visibly anxious have to appear cool calm collected but not trying to throw up at the same time like im gonna be anxious all day which means i wont eat much because im afraid of puking and then ill feel worse because im hungrys im going to rip my skin off AHHHHHH!!!! <- thats me screaming
#i know its just my period coming sighhhhh its about to get so much worse i get lreally depressed like a week before it gets real bad#i can feel if creeping 🤨🤨 nothing is making me feel happy or fulfilled 🤨🤨 seasons are changing this doesnt help 🤨🤨 AHHHHH!!!!#(me screaming again )#being open about myself at work instead of trying to put on a worksona has me feeling like early middle school maggie im not sure why#or if fhats bad or good ..#also meeting is at the end of the day so in my mind theres a timer from when the day starts and once it goes past a certain point i cant#eat bc that means ill have a full tummy in the meeting and that in combo w being super anxious (anxiety causes me stomach issues and also#theres a fear of puking that is perhaps not rational) but i get so nervous about the meeting when i still have time that i dont feel hungry#or im like Nah timers lying Its already too late to eat. and then i feel like crap bexause im hungry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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wish i had the type of depression where you party and do drugs and look sad in cinematic settings rather than the one where i never leave the house barely shower and lose any remnants of a personality ive left
#also thinking abt that post about how you live your life the way you spend your time#and all i do is be in bed and think abt how much i hate myself#and ig i just wish i were anyone else huh#either someone who smart or interesting or at least desirable#and instead im just really anoying and pathetic and not in a way thatd make ppl think im cool if i were a character#just weird and sad and too depressed to do anything#but at the same time it just feels like an excuse#bc everyone around is mentally ill too but they somehow manage school adn work and relationships and hobbies#and all i do is cry and have my best friend tell me she doesnt have the time to see me#which ik is true but at some point it just feels pathetic to ask again knowing she'll say shes busy#so its being surrounded by ppl who constantly talk abt mental illness and trauma and still feeling like the odd one out like ig i dont have#a good reason to be like this#im just lazy and i dont have much to offer#and im off of any social media except this and ig youtube but i just watch sims and jacob geller there#so i minimized ppl to compare myself to#but it still hurts that im at this age when i should be going out and partying and dating and being incapable of it#sorry if youre reading this btw
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You know your country's turning into a dictatorship when you want to write about the recent shit your prime ministers been up to but you're scared you'll disappear yhe way so many journalists have done in the past 5 years he's been in power
#whoops thats not free speech is it#hed love to get rid of people like me who see through his bullshit and have the ability to call him on it#only im fucking scared bc of the number of 'suicides' that have happened after someones brought attention to it#oh yeah this country doesnt care about religion but were going to make it so hard for christians and muslims#oh yeah this country has a lot of politics but most of your politicians will revere hitler#oh politicians serve the people but they have the most black money in the country#oh free speech is a human right but speak too freely and youll disappear#i need to leave before it becomes a fucking police state#although police are so useless here if it was a police state theyd just stand around drinking tea#a police state in this country would just be an eternal lunch break#no it would turn into a dictatorship which is honestly worse#bc itll be a very belarusian dictatorship where the working class is happy and its not unstable but therell still be complete control#over all the citizens#anyway#fuck this#im just angry ig#whatever this too shall pass whatever im gonna do my best to not get caught up in all this shit#its fine ill be fine but yk i cant say any of this out loud or ill disappear but its fine#bit depressing tbh#idk man im not a revolutionary im just gonna focus on making it thru college pfft
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venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls 👍
haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(
#going to try and stay awake until lunch at least and yhen maybe ill take a nap. but i need to be able to sleep rpoperly tonight#at least i know im only feeling depressed bc my period is due which means my meds dont work how they should#like its kind of weird n psychologically interesting to feel so depressed again suddenly bc i havent been at all lately#well theres not much i can do abt feeling sick and in pain but ill take it easy. wasnt planning on leaving the house today anyway#and i do need to find a way to talk to ppl abt shit im struggling to communicate bc it really does bother me. and i dont want to do this#im tired of keeping everything in and wound so tightly i just want to feel seen and safe around someone please. please 🥹#its all well n good getting along with people better than i rver havebut if they still wont support me when im going through it#then it fades into shallowness like our friendship still has value. but im unable to feel close to them or safe around them#and right now im glad im doing so well im glad of so manynthings but its so scary to know that if i start doing bad again there is#noone and nothing there to catch me i dont have anything in the way of a safety net just myself. so better not fall 👍#and irs been makinf me feel so horrible lately bc my mum has been trying to emotionally drpend on me again and its making me feel like#when i was a teenager again and i was fighting for my fucking life against what i didnt know was mental illness and i had no outlet and#nowhere to go and i wanted to die so badly and meanwhile everyone around me was completely unaware and making me handle all of their#emotional issues and i was trapped there absorbing everyone elses damage and not being able to express mine and thankfully i didnt kill#myself and i got out and ive gotten so much bettee and worse and better sinxe and how i feel now is nothing like that really but im just#being reminded of it a lot and how hard expressing myself is and sometimes it feels like ive made so little progress#in thetorture labyrinth out here. but i dont want to do this forever i need to get better at expressing i just need people to support me#but i feel unsupported its like thin ice. but its alsonmy fault for not trusting. i dontnknowwwww.#maybe when i dont have to pay for private meds anymore and when i get this raise at the end of the year ill try therapy again#i dont think itll solve the issue bc its the ppl i care abt in my life that i need to be able to talk to. but maybe i can get some#better tools to help me be able to do that. i dontnknow i dont want to think about it anymore actually im going to go do smth else#sorry for venting its been a really nice weekend genuinely feeljng so good in general atm. and yeah i still struggle with the same things#but generally ive been handling their effect on my mental health so much better!!!! like im still feeling okay regardless of them#but they are still there and i will need to go from tolerating them to dissolvjng them at some point if i want to feel okay long term#it doesnt have to be like this. and i do actually truly believe that for once which rly is a sign of how much prpgress ive made!!!!#working on my shit is a fucking lifelong project....as im sure it is for everyone else too. all of our first time on planet earth#we will get through yhis. and anyway how i feel now is super temporary jsut triggered by a few thingsand ill keep reacting to them this#way until i managr to properly resolve them properly instead of folding them nicely and tucking them out of view#bleugh. okay yeah thats enough for now. meds softening the edges too ive stopped crying which is smth#chilling for a bit n then im going to watch some tv or a movie and iron and polish my boots and after lunch i might draw. or not we'll see
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in terms of art alone im sorry. im a jrjr defender to my last breath you be fucking nice to him. i dont wanna hear shit❗️❗️❗️
#can someone also get him better inkers rn i am begging. pleading even. HE MAKES GOOD STUFF THEY JUST GIVE HIM SHIT INKERS WHO DONT GET IT.#MY FIRM BELIEF. im sorry. i like his stuff. there are certain things not quite my taste but i think he does good overall im a fan. BE NICE#static.soundz#sorry that last post was so directly inspired by seeing someone go can u guys be nice he is on a fucking nutbag schedule. which he is.#i dont think some people understand the insanity of comic production. and how much it takes a toll on you.#many have said and i will say it too: comics is a killing industry. it is a beautiful fun job. it is fulfilling. it will also destroy you.#the most common and easiest to use example is in fact the manga industry. they want chapters in a week. 20 page type chapters in a week.#A WEEK!!! and currently look at things like webtoon as well which also expect the same amount of pages. in a week. an issue in a week#is an insane demand. it is an unreasonable demand. it is scheduling that leads you to a crash and burnout and health issues#because it is fully finished polished pages. as much as i poke and complain about how some things look there#i am also highly aware of production schedules. even if some styles are not my taste that still doesnt mean it isnt insane work#and it's the same in american big industry comics too. it isnt weekly demand the way those are. but it's still an intense schedule#you are working on pages and can get behind years before those comics even hit shelves.#and as it becomes more individualized too as we lose the team element and work becomes more one person doing all pencils and inks#that schedule is a lot. it just is. it doesnt matter if theres more time in comparison to other parts of the industry#the point is that it is all very demanding and exploitative. there is a drive yourself to your grave mentality here and i've had ppl try#to shove that mindset onto my and my peers which is the worst thing possible to encourage. highly alarming and disheartening to encourage#impressionable students already so worried about making it to drive themselves to an early grave. abuse substances to get through work.#work excessive hours while you still can because when you hit your 30s youre gonna lose that ability#become bitter and prepared for rejection as opposed to success because this industry sucks!#it's just such an unhealthy depressing mindset. i've had more artists preach the exact opposite as that and more ppl have been trying to#shift over to valuing your time and health. but still a lot of people are in that other mentality. and it's very very very sad.#i am only a student doing very low stakes homework for classes. i have no industry experience. and i still get it taken out of me#to do fully fledged out pages in my style in one week. this is also just a thing for me bc certain personal factors just make it hard#but still. comics are fun. they are fun. they are fulfilling. they will lead you to so many fucking issues if you are not highly careful#there is a reason why so so so many fucking comic artists have very well known issues. why you hear about so many ppl with substance issues#artists with very poor mental health. when you are in comics this is how it is.#i am glad there has been a big shift in recent years towards taking care of yourself as an artist. and that more ppl try to value it so tha#things can hopefully change at large in a broader sense. but please remember. we are an exploited chew up spit out industry too.
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Submitted 2 min late, lets hope my prof has pitty
#she doesnt#i know she wont#but at least i tried#i didnt know how to linke the video#thats why i was late#imma bite the bullet and ask for disabilty accomedations#i have paperwork from my doc about moderate major depression and generalized anxiety (and that i am on meds)#and i was using the schools therapist services last sem#and i am struggling#so much rn - for no reason#i was cruising for the past 3/4 semesters too#i made deans list!! 3/4 times!!! my gpa is a 3.3 compared to my 1.9#i feel so guilty bc i have the time to do my work but its just so hard#and feels like it isnt important#and then it does#or i'll just catastrophize my hw and freeze like a gazelle#ik i can't get these accomedations irl but like i will at least have open collaboration and disscussion about my work which i don't have rn#which is what leads to my spirals#i want to talk!#talking about my work is actually so helpful for me to ground it and make me believe i can do it#but i cant so i just live in fear if opening up assignments#this sucks
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i dont think i ever shared pic...? old from a month(+?) ago and well its unlikely that i will ever get far with this but despite (or maybe because of) that...i thought id share lol
#bobtalk#ignore the demo text. i needed it to say something#streamlined commonevents for the messages done (i still need to do a ton of portrait art >.<)#also got a core gameplay feature added properly (need to do snappy graphic for it but the system is there#might need to work it some more for at-scale use but its good to know i can do what i wanted in rm2k3)#biggest barriers rn (besides my depression and the fact im working on a different game at the same time) are the tons of assets igotta make#tilesets mostly. portraits too but i know how to draw people atleast. ive always been bad at tilesets lol. doesnt help this is my first 2k3#when i get past that im gonna have to deal with the part where i cant write for shit but we'll get there when we get there!#also. um. puzzles. this game is supposed to have puzzles. in theory.#this is the kind of thing where ideally i wouldnt be doing it solo.and technically im not bc my brother did the charsets.but. shrug#at least my other vnproject has like 2 charactergraphics per character! meanwhile for this id actually need expressions -_-#idk if ive mentioned it here b4 but this is my walmart thing. um. yeah. this always happens to me.#>_< yeah...........#also rm2k3 is so dated and it shows LOL...i like a lot about it better than the newer makers so far but also the engine's ui bugs out alot#OKBYE.at least i go on break soon...
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:^l
#winter is the worst thing to exist ever#i feel like apologizing for being negative but also like this is my blog .... so whatever#anyways these past weeks have been a living hell i havent been so close to swerving into oncoming traffic in a while#regulsr depressions being acting up like a bich bc i havent seen anyone other than my family in weeks#i wake uo at 6 whatever am. go to work. go home. make dinner for my family. sit and read webcomics for a bit. go to sleep.#havent even been sleeping well lmao one of the onky pleasures in my life is being unconcious so this sucks#i had skating classes once a week but that last last thursday so like i dont even get that anymore#and i dont have any monry to sign myself uo for anything else bc i gotta give my mom 1k and i need to pay my credit card n student loans#anyways regular depression + seasonal depression + pmsing like fucking crazy + got in a fight w my mom again#bc shes telling me to get married lmfao but like i dont even leave the house ? im too busy taking care of her kids ?#and i dont even have money to do fun things bc im too stressed about giving her money for my shit head brother ? also i have no friends ?#friend 1 lives in a city 8 hrs away fridnd 2 scheduke doesnt line up w mine often and hes got exams n shjt also hes dealing w his own stuff#friend 3 is my ex who my mom would literally kill me if she knew i was seeing lol so like my options are very limited !#anyways either im gonna have to leave the country or kill myself soon bc i cant live like this for too much longer#i keep telling myelf like oh when the kids are a bit older i can finally leave but like goddd i cant do this for another 3 years#i have literally nothing to live for i hope i die soon#gommywords#sorry if u are one of my 3 aformentioned friends n u read this shit lol i dont have the courage or strength to talk to ppl about things
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Hi sorry to be typing here but I ran out of tags. Apparently you can only do 30? I guess they don't want us typing in the tags anymore. I promise I won't be much longer.
So like. I've argued myself around both creativity and depression as the causes in my tags. I don't feel like either fully work. I want to say here that I don't feel like correlation's fully it either. Like there's some elements and some situations where it might be, but in my arguments in the tags there's also some stuff at play where creativity and depression can be argued to cause each other. Situations where they might have a more causal relationship. And situations like mine where there's no correlation or causation happening. I do creative stuff for fun, and it makes me happy. No depression involved. The opposite of depression, really.
Anyway great question! It really made me think, so I see why you asked. I guess my conclusion is secret 4th thing:
All of the above! Creatives have a connection to depression for a million different possible reasons.
Thanks for asking, and thanks for listening if you got this far!
#secret fourth thing is no#maybe its just me#but like. when im depressed i dont do creative stuff much#and creative stuff doesnt tend to make me depressed. like maybe if its a commitment where i have to#doing art makes me happy typically#social pressure doesnt tho#so like maybe the issue is having creative stuff as a job#that probs gets intense.#personally i hate working so like. yeah#and i did get origami ruined for me by social pressure a while back#so its probably not really the art thats the issue#the problem is probably that pressure ruins it#and art is the easiest most available hobby to make you happy so if art is your job...#no hobbies to cheer you up or distract you when youre stressed af#like other work can be soul crushing then u go home and do a doodle. if art is work theres less/no relief#so i guess in a way ive argued around to creativity causes depression. but its not the creativity's fault!!#its pressure its capitalism#also i already voted. cant change my answer now#sorry editing now but uh.#poll says what is the connection not if theres a connection#but i still feel like creativity isnt the cause and depression definitely isnt#well. maybe? maybe depressed ppl are more likely to go into art#bc the effort of stuff like physics is just. too hard when depressed#when im depressed it is too difficult to do assignments#sometimes its bc of assignments#what probs happens is that depressed ppl find comfort in creativity#and then they make it their job#and then the stresses of it being a job and having little relief has potential to make it worse#so now maybe ive argued that depression causes creativity?#i see why you asked the question. its complicated!
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But I have very little motivation to do that right now. I'd rather just do nothing.
#depressy brain says do nothing. and then feel bad about doing nothing. and feel bad about ofher things u wanted 2 do today and didnt!#and then feel no motivation to go to work tomorrow either! and then feel like shit about everything ever#and also feel too exhausted to do anything anyway#doing things is hard and uncomfortable and stressful. people are stressful. communicating is stressful and difficult.#doing nothing is easy but makes everything worse i guess#but i hate it. i want to be a cat.#i cant explain this to anyone successfully. frustrating.#and my sister dared to say that oh her hubby's depression is Real depression bc its Clinical Depression.#like sorry my fear of pain and death stops me from even considering That as an option but that doesnt mean my depression isnt real#like i dont want to exist. frequently. ive SAID IT out loud before. that doesn't sound like suicidal ideation bc im a chicke#not bc my depression isnt thay bad#that*#but i don't talk abt it i guess. so.
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