#doing things is hard and uncomfortable and stressful. people are stressful. communicating is stressful and difficult.

[an--artistic--autistic]

part of me really loves having friends and being in a community, and the other part feels exhausted from interacting with people and wants to ghost everyone and move cities

[audiovisualrecall]

But I have very little motivation to do that right now. I'd rather just do nothing.

[120189hearted]

#2 Astrology Observations. "If you live for people's acceptance, you'll die from their rejection." -Lacrae Moore

Saturn, Chiron in the 2H can struggle with insecurities and anxiety, have a low sense of self worth. They can also have financial problems and be prone to sore throats or other neck related problems. These people need to find stability in their dignity and material security, they have to attain self worth & respect through their own efforts rather than seeking validation from external sources. It's like, no matter how many things you buy, anything that is outside of you won't guarantee you more confidence or happiness. There's a fear, restriction, trauma around money, overspending and values (your values physical or not and your dignity).

People with Uranus in the 3H may forget to: think before speak, study, communicate with others like neighbors, siblings or cousins, may forget to be overall more social.

Aquarius Lilith might be reluctant in self expression, might feel ashamed or hesitant in truly being themselves because of past experiences where they might have been ridiculed for their unconventional ideas or way of being, and people being too judgy towards them and that could've scarred them. As a consequence, they could feel like an "alien" and tend to hide being themselves because they might feel shameful of that. For example: Aquarius Lilith in the 3H may be shy or quiet, problems with communication skills, they maybe used to be expressive and social but they were shamed for it so they experienced being silenced and made fun of their interests too, made fun off of their / by their siblings, cousins or neighbors, avoidant of talking too much, insecure when talking or standing up for themselves.

Mercury in Taurus, Scorpio, Pisces and Cancer may have a singer-like voice, fluid voice too for the water signs.

Sun in 8H might have faced trauma related with male figures in your life and also have an absent father, physically or emotionally.

Natives with Libra, Taurus, Venus in the 12H might prefer keeping their relationships and their romantic partners a secret. They can also keep their crushes secret, not even telling to their friends or family. They might also like to gatekeep where they buy their clothes, make-up, skincare products from or just not show off these things. They can also prefer keeping their money, income, financial status a secret and not boast too much about it, their possessions or valuable things.

People with Moon, Cancer, Venus, Libra in the 12H, 8H and 6H can be queer, part of LGBTQ.

Moon in Aries people can be impulsive, have a hard time controlling their feelings like they're a volcano, their emotions can be explosive. They're the kind of people to go crazy over the smallest inconvenience.

Mercury in Scorpio or 8H can make natives interested in or like doing research about the occult, dark topics or other taboo things that don't have to necessarily be like the previously mentioned.

Taurus, Libra Risings or Venus in 1H is an indicator of beauty. They can have a very harmonious, symmetrical face.

Capricorn / Saturn in the 12H are karmically protected, as well as natives ruled by Saturn. As a side note, I would beware hurting or messing with people who have Saturn in 6H, 8H and 12H, and again especially those ruled by Saturn at the same time. But usually those who do them wrong are most of the times supposed to learn a lesson, that's Karma.

Venus in Aquarius can dislike it when their admirers are overly obsessive or expressive of their love for them. It can feel uncomfortable for them especially as a first impression.

Moon in the 6H or in Virgo too much overthinking and being overly anxious or emotional that it becomes an actual obstacle hindering them from daily life tasks, stress or too much negativity can manifest as health problems for these people. They could feel so much that they start getting stomachaches, headaches etc.

Saturn in 5H / Leo or 7H / Libra can be either hopeless romantics or just less interested in romance. Their love life can be very dry and not have much of that. Delay in marriage, may happen later on in life.

[acrosstheujiverse]

dynamics of an introverted couple

【🔎】 description: scenarios you have with your introverted boyfriend, woozi, as an introvert yourself. 【🖇️】 pairing: introvert!woozi x introvert!reader. 【💿】 genre: FLUFF!! 【🧺】 tags: butterflies in your stomach, x1000 cute.

📬 — author’s note！my first official post! haha. it MAY take a while for me to actually have the courage and confidence to post my aus, but i hope you will be patient with me ^-^

thank you ♡ enjoy reading this.

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your love story wouldn’t be one of love at first sight. no. instead, it would go under the slow-burn genre of romance. a friends-to-lovers slow burn.

in the few instances where jihoon would be outside and hang out with his small circle of close friends, he would be introduced to you. by courtesy of seungcheol.

you and jihoon’s first meeting was somewhat formal, with a few jokes and questions to break the ice, courtesy of soonyoung. it would take the two of you more hangout sessions to actually feel comfortable in each other’s presence.

jihoon would be the first to fall; he wouldn’t admit it to you, but he started to be interested with everything you said, and he would care about you. more than in a friendly way.

when hit with the growing feeling of being in love with you, jihoon would try to keep it to himself. he would be too shy to confess his feelings.

as the two of you walked after having finished yet another hangout session with your friends, you would be the one who confessed to him. in the many hangouts you had, you knew jihoon already; he was not the type to actually express his feelings. he wouldn’t be the one confessing, and he wouldn’t have the courage to actually risk your friendship.

you and jihoon wouldn’t have many fights.

when you two DO have fights, it’s because of a lack of communication. you suppress your feelings, whereas jihoon expresses himself with harsh words, pushing people away and isolating himself in his studio. (it’s due to his hectic work schedule and lack of sleep that he struggles to manage his stress.)

you both learned the hard way why communication—communicating your feelings—is an important part of any relationship.

both of you have slowly become vulnerable to each other. through face-to-face conversations or through text, whichever makes you both comfortable.

“not everyone is comfortable talking about their emotions and vulnerabilities, and that’s okay. but please don’t push people out without first telling them how you feel about the topic (that you’re uncomfortable and would like to not talk about it). if they’re truly concerned about you, they would understand the boundary you just put up and drop the topic.”

this relationship would be LOWKEY—i mean on the down DOWN-low. to the point where the only time you publicly show your guy’s relationship would be after like 5+ years of dating. (it’s THAT lowkey.)

it wouldn’t be surprising to many if you both decided to announce your relationship once you were both engaged.

even though he doesn’t have that much dating experience… jihoon would be the romantic type. he doesn’t show it, but he has seen different types of media—from shows to animes—to KNOW how to be romantic towards his partner. he wouldn’t be the over-the-top kind of romantic, but he would surprise you in the simplest but sweetest of ways. like randomly giving you flowers (if you’re allergic, it’s fake flowers) out of nowhere just because he felt like it, or (leaning to something more of his forte) dedicating a song he’s been writing to you—a melodic and nostalgic feeling to it.

for you and jihoon, it’s the little things that count. simple but never boring.

both you and jihoon liked the privacy and intimacy of your relationship.

you two are liberated from the social convention of broadcasting your guy’s relationship to the public. you two can be in love without the prying eyes of the public.

sleeping in on weekends would be the norm for both of you because you’re both sleep-deprived.

groggily waking up to sight of jihoon’s cute sleeping face, you honestly can’t be more grateful for his existence and presence in your life.

you can’t help but lightly pinch at the sight of jihoon’s squishy cheeks. he would slowly and slightly open his eyes, his nose scrunching from the sensation. he gives you a lazy smile and a soft peck at the tip of your nose.

“g’morning love.”

[it was in fact the afternoon, but who could correct this fatigued guy?]

although your love for each other may not be as obvious as most relationships are, it is the kind of love that you’re glad to be going home to.

a quiet love that speaks languages that only you two understand.

— fin.

[kkayyerr]

Choice

Summary: Pogue!little!reader can’t help but needing Rafe when she’s regressed, and Pogues can’t understand why.

Warnings: Age regression, mean!Rafe, slight dark!Rafe, slight angst, fluffy ending.

Words counter: 1,8k

Pogues were looking for you everywhere, but they still haven’t found you yet. With a blink of an eye, you were gone, and the worst part was that they knew about your regression and the fact that you were probably regressing now. They couldn’t blame JJ for not looking out for you, because how could he've known that you would pull something like that? Everyone was stressed, but JJ looked devastated, probably imagining the worst things that could’ve happened to you right now. He also felt guilty for letting you out of his sight, even if that was only for a few seconds. 

Where were you? 

Nobody had an answer to that question because you were always so unpredictable when you were little. They had plenty of places where they thought you might be, but no one would even think about you wondering around and looking for Rafe Cameron. When you had finally found him in the company of Kooks, you had quickly approached him, almost immediately grabbing his arm. Rafe looked down at you; the expression of surprise on his face turned into the little faded smile when he saw your wide eyes and blushed cheeks. He knew what was going on. You were needing him again, like you always did in that state, even though you hated to admit that. He enjoyed teasing you about that a lot, but right now you were looking way too overwhelmed for him to do that. 

 

„What’s wrong, baby?”

 

His voice was quiet; he clearly didn’t want any of his friends to know about him having a small soft spot for a little Pogue. Part of him also didn’t want to embarrass you in front of a big group of people. 

 

„Need you"

 

You murmured, tugging on his arms a couple of times. Sometimes it was hard for you to speak out loud about your needs or communicate with him at all, so you would just try to show him what you need by tugging on his clothes or giving him those needy gazes. You didn’t know why it was always him that he needed when things would get tough, but somehow nobody else seemed to understand you that much, even though Rafe wasn’t the best at taking care of someone. Rafe nodded, taking your small hand in his, almost ready to take you to his car, as he heard someone calling out for you.

 

„Hey, baby, we’re here!”

 

You heard JJ yell, waving his hand in the air. All the other pogues were also there, and you saw the terrified looks on their faces when they finally saw who exactly you were standing with. They quickly approached you and Rafe one by one, looking almost ready to start a fight. Your friends probably thought that you were in danger and wanted to help you, but the whole situation made you even more uncomfortable than you already were, so you just hid behind Rafe’s back.

 

„Let her go!”

 

Rafe didn’t react to JJ’s words; in fact, he only wrapped one of his arms around you, trying to let you know that he would deal with the whole situation. The last thing you needed right now is your idiotic friends giving you even more worries. 

 

„I’m not even holding her.”

 

The pogues eyes widened as they started to slowly realize what was actually happening here. You were holding Rafe tightly, your little arms wrapped around his body. You were hiding from them, and you had probably run away just to find that asshole. 

How could you?

 

„Honey, let’s just go.”

 

John B started talking; his voice was soft; he didn’t want to scare you; he only wanted to show that they all cared for you and wanted you back with them. His smiled softly, slowly approaching you and completely ignoring the fact that Rafe was also standing right in front of him. But as he got closer, you quickly hugged Rafe tighter, shaking your head.

 

„No!”

 

Your words hit hard, but there was nothing he could’ve done. No meant no, and even though they didn’t know what was the reason for your behavior, they couldn’t just take you away from him forcefully. At least that’s what he was thinking. JJ, on the other hand, was ready to start a fight before Sarah stopped him. 

 

„No, JJ, stop! No matter what state she’s in, we have to accept her decision; we can’t just make them instead of her.”

 

Even though Kie and John B looked devastated, they quietly nodded, hoping that they would get a chance to talk with you once you won’t be regressed. Nobody, not even you, knew what was happening right now. 

 

„So you want us to just let her go with your cocaine-addicted, psychopath brother?"

 

Sarah didn’t answer, but one stern look from John B finally made JJ shut up, raising his hands in the air. He was so done with them and also with you. Rafe leaned down to you, not liking you being present in that conversation at all. However, he couldn’t leave without saying a pair of kind words to the pogues. 

 

„Baby, can you please wait for me by my car?”

 

He smiled at your quick nod, but as soon as you left his sight, that soft smile turned into an irritated expression. Rafe approached the pogues, giving them a disgusted look. He was definitely not happy with their behavior, and he was about to make it clear that he won’t put up with their shit anymore, at least not tonight when he had other plans. 

 

„Just wanted to remind you guys that if I see any of you around Cameron’s property tonight, I won’t hesitate to use my gun, and believe me, that would only be a start.“

 

It was clear that his words weren’t a threat; it was a very good warning. After all, Rafe didn’t want to scare you by shooting your friends in front of you. He absolutely ignored the Pogue’s reactions, turning back and heading to his car, as he turned around one last time, wanting to give another little reminder. 

 

„And JJ, I do not recommend trying to steal your little friend from me, because I also won’t hesitate calling the police, and I would make sure that your drug addict daddy won’t be able to bail you out this time.”

 

You were standing by Rafe’s car all that time, waiting for him to show up and help you get inside. When you finally saw him approaching you, you couldn’t help but give him a little smile. You were so happy to be here with him right now, and you couldn’t even tell why. 

 

„Ready to go home, baby?”

 

He accepted your nod as „yes” and quickly found his car keys in his pocket, opening the door for you. Rafe then helped you get in the passenger seat and buckled you up. He wasn’t the one who would care about his own safety too much, but when it would come to your safety, he would make sure that he had done everything he could’ve. His car started, and he drove off, making sure he’s not speeding too much. 

 

„You know I’m proud of you, right?”

 

Your eyes widened, as you weren’t expecting to hear that from him. He wasn’t the one who would praise you often, but when he did, you would also feel so good. 

 

„I mean, you choose me over Pogues; that’s gotta mean something.“

 

And it did mean something. Something that you couldn’t find the courage to speak about, something that had been on your mind for a long time. You never understood why exactly you were needing him that badly when you were regressed, but for some reason you did, and tonight’s situation made you think that maybe you didn’t want anyone else to take care of you.

 

„Why are you so quiet, kid? You are usually so noisy!”

 

His words were said in his usual teasing manner, but when he looked over to you, a slight sign of concern appeared on his face. You were not only quite, but also quite upset. Or maybe even anxious. Rafe parked his car in his driveway, finally giving you his full attention.

 

„What’s wrong?”

 

His tone was softer than usual, even more gentle than the one that he would often use with you when you are regressed. He was definitely worried about your little change of behavior. 

 

„I just wanted to ask you something, but it’s so stupid.”

 

He slowly reached his hand toward you, slowly titling your face up by holding your chin between his fingers. Rafe always wanted you to look at him when you would say something serious. That way, it was easier for him to understand your emotions and intentions. 

 

„I’m sure it’s not that stupid. Well, at least it’s definitely something smarter than what I heard from your friends tonight.”

 

You laughed quietly, hoping that he wouldn’t change his mind after you found courage to say that. A loud sigh left your lips before you finally felt ready to tell him that one thing that has been on your mind since the first time he saw you regressing.

 

„I want you to be my caregiver.”

 

To your surprise, Rafe wasn’t shocked at all. It felt as if he just heard something that he wanted to hear for so long but couldn’t admit that. He knew that for you, those words were basically a synonym for „I love you," and Rafe was proud to be the one who received that from you. He was trying not to show too many emotions just to not overwhelm you even farther; instead, he just gave you a small kiss on the cheek, something that he had never done before. 

 

„I hope you won’t regret that decision, baby."

 

You smiled widely, as you knew that those words meant "yes." Rafe also seemed very pleased with how things had turned out for both of you. He then got out of his car, also unbuckling you and picking you up right away to carry you inside his house, as he detected that you were way too tired to walk on your own. You wrapped your hands around his neck, and he was surprised to find out that by the time that he had carried you inside, you were already asleep. He knew that you had way too many stressful situations today, and he was happy that you had fallen asleep that quickly. He didn’t want to wake you up, so he set down on the couch in the living room, still holding you in his arms.

He was smiling softly, listening to you mumbling something in your sleep, but his eyes widened when he heard that one word escaping your mouth.

 Daddy.

Taglist: @marvelfanfics1 @rafecameronsloverrrrr @aew-regression-cove

[hotnbloodied]

Yan!Childhood Friend X Reader

!Warning! This post contains yandere themes and topics that may be uncomfortable to people who are sensitive to the topic, read at your own discretion.

CW: not proof read, yous/yours used, gn reader, I honestly don't know if I'm missing anything cause this one is pretty tame and short.

!!READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!! MINORS DNI!!

You hated his guts. From a young age your parents would always compare you to him, just because you two were around the same age. How his grades were better, how much better behaved he is, how he could do this and that. But that’s not the worse part, the worst part was him clinging to you, like he knew how much it annoyed you. But you couldn’t do anything about it, play it cool, play it safe. Hopefully you don’t get eaten up by the hyenas that were your family and community if he wanted to use them against you. College could not come around any sooner, you had plans, and grants that you worked your ass off to get. It wasn’t until the last possible minute that you told your parents that you were going to university out of state. You kept your business as minimally out there as possible so why? Why the FUCK was he in front of your apartment?

He absolutely loves you. From the young age the two of you met he felt like he was floating when he met your gaze for the first time. He knew that being around you annoyed you, he wasn’t stupid enough to not understand the scowls that you would give him. He just wanted to be the reason you smiled, even once. He devoted all he could to you, he’d make lunches for you and him, find you in the library to study together, invite himself to friend outings you’d join. He had to be wherever you were, he needed to constantly see you. Why were you trying so hard to escape him? Can’t you see that you and him were perfect together? So why? Why did you apply for a college so far away? You were lucky that he always had eyes on you, only you. So he can always follow and protect you. Getting into the same university as you was easy, securing the apartment next to yours? Well, that was just luck.

You don’t question things like how anymore, so you let him inside. It felt like some sort of practiced routine as the two of you sat on the couch. Your nails dug into the meat of your thighs, “So… you knew,” you pause, “for how long?” His damned nonchalant face turns into a playful grin as he motions his finger to his chin in a thoughtful position, “hmm the whole time?” You couldn’t help it, tears, tears of frustration, anger, stress all came pouring from your eyes and a question you should have asked years ago coming out between sobs, “why do you hate me so much?” He reached over to you to pull you into a hug, his touch felt oppressive but you were too tired to care. “Darling, I think you’re mistaking something…” he uses one hand to make your head turn to maintain eye contact with him, “I love you.”

[000-pawz]

how leehan loves ( zodiac series ) ˚ · .

how i think leehan would navigate relationships/love/communication based on his natal chart/birth chart!

wc: 1k+

more under the cut!

in short, leehan is an incredibly "patient, dependable, and secure" lover.

with his libra sun, i'd say he's a "starry-eyed" romantic; one of those people with that sparkly gaze of admiration when they have a crush on someone. he would definitely observe you from afar for a while and maybe even pine a bit, picking up on all the things you are interested in, your style, and just who you are as a person.

from there, i see a lot of courtship before asking you out. because his moon is in capricorn, he's not the type to fall quickly or rush into things. he is willing to put in the effort if he genuinely wants to build a solid relationship with his partner and he's not a fan of flings and fleeting emotions. he can be pretty nitpicky when it comes to relationships, so he tries to act wisely and thoughtfully.

leehan is very cute though!!! ^___^ although he may seem like a rock on the outside at times because of his cap moon, he sometimes finds it hard to make the first move. please show him that you truly like him by reciprocating his efforts to give him some confidence!

leehan is very dependable and punctual. he shows up early for dates, will come over as soon as you call, and keeps all of his promises. his virgo venus makes him a big lover of domestic things like doing the dishes together, routine kisses, brushing your teeth together and making silly faces at each other in the mirror, making your coffee just the way you like it <3

leehan is a big extrovert and would love to spend as much time with his partner as possible. and by "time", i mean meaningful, quality time where you can really sit and talk and get to know each other. he probably wouldn't be a fan of dates where there's too many people around. i recommend intimate dates like cooking together, a private pottery class, and maybe even renting out a karaoke room for just the two of you.

but beware that a big turn-off for him would be clinginess in the early stages of the relationship. he likes when things progress slowly so he can build that strong, intimate bond with his partner. when things move too fast, he gets incredibly uncomfortable and he moves on pretty quickly if he can't see a future with someone.

i see his ideal type as people who he can have emotional resonance with. with his sun and mars in libra, he likes balance. if he's closed off, he'd like someone who can help him open up. people who are gentle, carefree, kind-hearted, fun-loving, and just as romantic as him.

leehan's mercury is in scorpio, so he's not too affected by those petty, fleeting arguments. if he notices you’re stressed and taking it out on him, he’ll be so gentle and try to figure out what’s truly going on. he hates to be in the dark, so please tell him if something is bothering you because it will bother him if he doesn’t know what’s bothering you. he's highly observant and he observes in silence most of the time. expect to always have his eyes on you like an eagle; he's basically trying to read your mind ><

he may have some problems with jealousy because his venus squares pluto. leehan is all about being in it for the long-run and creating a stable and trusting relationship. it's not necessarily insecurity that riles him up, but the thought of someone trying to steal you away from him gets under his skin. when leehan is jealous, he can be very passive-aggressive and shut himself off from you. you may not even know why he's acting that way because he takes so long to open up.

if there is a serious conflict, leehan can become pretty detached and stoic. he definitely internalizes his feelings and stress, and he needs time alone when he's bombarded with too many emotions. he only shares his deepest, darkest feelings with those he trusts and is pretty reserved when it comes to dealing with his feelings.

leehan always reflects before he approaches you for communication. with his libra mars, he craves harmony and understanding. sometimes he can get a little too caught up in defending himself, though, because he doesn't want you to misunderstand. he's level-headed after he clears his thoughts and handles issues with long-term stability in mind rather than quick fixes. overall, he's pretty graceful at managing conflict. he can compromise without any pushback.

alternatively, leehan is the best person to share your secrets with. he'll take them to the grave, always. he's not inclined to gossip or lecture you. he'll simply listen and provide you comfort <3

he is always incredibly understanding of your feelings and never fails to take them into consideration. he'll take you to restaurants catering to your taste, even if he's not a fan. he'll give you his jacket if you forget yours and it starts to rain. he is just so selfless and patient with his partner. <3

his love languages are quality time and acts of service!!! he values meaningful time spent with his partner to form that deep connection, and likes to ease their burdens by helping them whenever he can. he has a tendency to put his partner before himself, and can even neglect his own needs sometimes. if you can, help him out by reminding him to have breakfast, helping him relax by having a cuddle session in between his heavy schedule, and being his rock to lower his guard around ><

ways to make leehan swoon? compare hand sizes ^___^ or trace the lines on his palm, kiss the back of his hand, lace your fingers together... anything involving his hands! also paying attention to his little quirks would make him fall for you even faster. like, oh, he likes this specific candy so pick some up on your way over! or mention something cute he did in his sleep. just noticing those small things about him will make him feel so special ^___^

reblogs are greatly appreciated! lmk what u think or if you have any other takes!!! i'm always open to learning more :o thank u...<3

series masterlist

masterlist

[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

frankly super uncomfortable have “neurodiversity affirming” (now use as meaningless buzzword but demand be treat as this radical thing) be associate with “nonspeaking not nonverbal put/ nonspeaking right nonverbal ableist wrong” so hard two become synonymous. be treat as, only way be neurodiversity affirming is say nonspeaking & never say nonverbal. that MUST only ever say nonspeaking to be neurodiversity affirming. that say nonverbal put you exact same equally as bad as ableist oppressor power holders who actively not give & deny & exclude people who not able mouth speak education & rights & autonomy & humanity.

really have nothing unreasonable or bias against apraxic nonspeakers, or term nonspeaking. really don’t. really do believe they have valuable thing to say n important listen.

but it get really really tiring, n traumatic (not use this word lightly), be constantly screamed at, cursed at, insulted, mocked, called names, doubted, disbelieved, fake claimed, abused because dare casually call self nonverbal without go on 1000 word essay on why (& often times even with that 1000 word essay), phd dissertation on history of these two terms n definitions n histories n uses. to point of every time be outside circle of people who willing understand me (person with cognitive & language disability), severe anxiety & fear & post-traumatic stress spiral of, “can say am nonverbal? should? that get me strangers abuse? should preemptively explain? carefully word it? more detail. more detail.” over one of my most important identity & label. even simple “am nonverbal not nonspeaking” invite people (group that famously describe self as literal & not read into subtext) accusatory question me “why you ableist piece of shit distance self from nonspeaking people, you clearly think people who not able mouth speak incompetent” not expecting answer, because they already made up one for me, already spoke for me, a person who not mouth speak (& struggle w overall communication) they claim advocate for.

n same time cannot pretend that term nonspeaking, nonspeaking advocacy from many nonspeakers, & nonspeaking advocacy from not-nonspeakers, so closely tied with ableism by action of people who use it that it become part of definition, defining pillar of activism. cannot pretend “am just can’t speak but my mind intact (am very intelligent can write just fine)” is value neutral not-ableist sentence. cannot pretend all that ableism against people with intellectual disability (yes, people w correctly diagnosed ID exist) & people with language disorder not exist.

if you can’t separate term nonverbal from it’s ableist misuse history, you not get to have problem with me refuse call self nonspeaking because how so many people use ableism to fundamentally define it. n unlike you, at least am able recognize term nonspeaking, neutral.

am super uncomfortable with “neurodiversity affirming” when one pillar of it is define me out of existence n label me n people who support me as ableist & same amount of evil as my oppressors. is to use me as scapegoat. scapegoat for other people trauma while create trauma for me. whose neurodiversity we affirming?

“nothing about us without us” who the second us? is it actually us, or do you just mean you?

“language important” so “say nonspeaking not nonverbal FOR ALL” but when am push back against it ask be personally called nonverbal ask not use term nonverbal as scapegoat ask please not demonize term nonverbal, suddenly am “too hang up on semantics” and “there real oppression other than argue over online terms” (as if be denied literal actively barred kicked out from community isn’t one) and “can’t speak for everyone”

when these people the one with platform and ability, shaping public views, shaping assistive tech and therapies that am need, even advocating to shape & shaping policies n legislatures.

sure do hope am included in those.

[nonverbal = not able mouth speak. all the time only. not by choice. not sometimes. not temporary. not episode. not “go nonverbal.”]

[escapingrealtiylovinginsanity]

[Not] Guilty Part 2

Part 1 

A few people expressed interest in this becoming a series. I had a storyline for it when I made the first ‘chapter’. I do warn you guys though I will probably be slow to post. I have a hard time when I feel like I have to write the next chapter of something. Not to mention I am currently packing (and procrastinating packing by writing) to move from Michigan to Tennessee for my new post-grad job!  

This is not a spoiler because I hinted heavily (told you really) at it at the end of the first chapter, but I did want to warn everyone- this has the ACCIDENTAL PREGNANCY TROPE. For those of you who do not like those stories, you have been warned. The case is mentioned in this story but is not its main focus, but what will become of the reader and Sonny’s relationship. (I may change the name because it implies otherwise.)  

Warnings- mentions of sex abuse, physical abuse, prison violence, suicide and accidental pregnancy trope (just in case you missed it ^)

Thank you for reading that really long author's note <3

The breakup should be harder on you. It was the longest relationship you had been in. The nervousness you had felt when you had crept up to the six-month marker and the kiss of death to every relationship you had ever had. It had come in like a lion, with you causing fights waiting for the inevitable, and out like a lamb when Sonny realized what the problem was. He had maturely communicated that he had no intent in letting you go. It had been smooth sailing for the most part after that. The relief you had felt when it all just seemed to work out. You guys were just a few weeks away from the year mark.  

The end was as abrupt as your cousin Randy’s arrest. The betrayal of Sonny going after him without any regard to you. Then the attempted railroading from him to you of Randy’s guilt. The whole thing had left you cold and numb.  

You knew Dominick Carisi was a good lawyer and now he could be the one to put Randy away for life. On a charge you were sure he didn’t commit. You hadn’t seen him much since the day you refused to let him into your apartment. You only saw him during court proceedings or meetings with him and Randy’s defense lawyer. Not that he hadn’t tried. He had called, texted, and stopped by your apartment frequently during the first few weeks. You were sure he thought that you were just overacting and that you would come to see the light of your cousin’s misdoings. Process and then accept what was going on. The only difference was you knew deep in your soul that your cousin wasn’t guilty. You wouldn't let anyone railroad you into thinking anything differently.  

Not even a man you loved. 

You had been actively avoiding him and any emotion that he provoked. You tried to ignore that you were a hot mess. The stress and emotional strain caused constant fatigue and churning in your stomach which had a tendency to make you sick. You had been trying to take care of everything for the case and still work overtime to continue paying your bills and for Randy’s pricy lawyer. You had even tried to get the money to bail Randy out, but Sonny had asked for an outrageous bond that even combined your working-class family couldn’t afford. You had tried to make up for it by putting money in his commissary and visiting once a week. Randy assured you he was okay, but it didn’t help make you feel better. Especially, when you saw the black eye and cut lip on your last visit.  

Today was court and it was Randy’s turn to testify. You sat there in support of him and tried not to wince or shift uncomfortably as years of family secrets were let loose in open court. It was to help show Randy’s character the lawyer had explained. It was smart but you didn’t have to like listening to it.  

Randy testified to his mental health issues. His bipolar that left him manic and on top of the world one day and then so depressed he couldn’t get out of bed the next. He went on to talk about the sexual and physical abuse he had received at the hands of his own father. How he had used substance to numb himself. He was in tears when he talked about how he could never hurt someone like he had been hurt. He would rather put a bullet in his head.  

He had tried to skirt around the question about his uncle. But when he was pressed, he talked about how he had witnessed the brutal murder of his father at his uncle's hands when he had found out and then watched his uncle be arrested and put in prison. How he had been put on multiple 72-hour psych holds in the years following. Listening to it all was hard and made you want to curl up in a corner and sob. It was heartbreaking to listen to. Randy looked and sounded believable- like a victim himself who deserved empathy.  

Sonny turned in his seat to look at you. You were only able to maintain eye contact for only a few seconds. It had been long enough to see the understanding in his eyes. The almost audible clicking of all the puzzle pieces of your life that you dodged around or refused to talk about when you were together were finally coming together for him. You could also see the frustration at you not being honest with him and him being blindsided in open court. 

When recess was called until Monday you had to keep yourself from running out of the courthouse and instead force yourself to walk at a normal pace. You couldn’t face any of the SVU detectives that you were once close to. You hear your name called and your body freezes without your permission. A Staten Island accent thickened with emotion. “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

You can’t even turn back to look at him. You feel exhausted as you say. “You didn’t want to listen.” 

≪ °❈° ≫ 

You return to court four days later, and there is something strange brewing in the courtroom. You can feel it in the air. You can see it. There is no jury and the courtroom is empty. The rest happens in a blur. ADA Dominick Carisi stands up and tells the judge they had found further evidence over the weekend and they wanted to drop all charges, except for possession. They offered a deal on time served. You felt the tears rush down your face in disbelief. 

You find yourself in the hallway and a hand touches your shoulder from behind. You turn around to see Olivia Benson. “For what it is worth, I’m sorry.” Her face is sincere but all you could hear in your mind was the echoing of her words to you of his guilt and how it was normal to be in denial. It could take a while for your mind to be able to comprehend that someone you know, and love is capable of such malicious intent. “For all the trouble and for all this has cost you.” Even in your haze, you knew she wasn’t talking about the money you had put into Randy’s defense. “With his DNA in her apartment and on that blunt we really thought-” 

“Sharing weed with a woman doesn’t mean you're going to rape and kill her.” Your words are bitter and distant even to your own ears. 

“Of course not,” Olivia paused gathering her thoughts. 

“What happened? What did you guys find?”  

“Well, we went back over the timeline. We had a hard time believing Randy because when we interviewed him, he didn’t even know where he had been for most of the night.” You knew he had been hopped up on some pretty strong stuff that night. “Do you know the cemetery a couple of blocks from where we arrested him?” You felt like a bolt of lightning had struck through you. You did in fact know it. It was where his older brother had been buried after he committed suicide at twenty. “There was a security camera there that had been installed because of some teenager destroying headstones. It shows Randy there hours before Mary Moore’s death to hours after it. He slept there all night actually.” 

You huff out a laugh. Thomas was Randy’s older brother by almost ten years. He, out of the three sons, had taken the worst of the abuse from their father. He had protected Randy and the youngest David until the moment he had ended it all, but it seemed even death couldn’t stop him from protecting his younger brother. 

You see Randy getting released, a bag of belongings in his hand and you start to head over to him completely forgetting that you had been in a conversation with the detective. You are only reminded when you hear her voice raise slightly as she says, “You know, Carisi is the one that started looking back at the timeline. He is the reason this case was dropped.” You freeze feeling something twist in your stomach. An emotion that you don’t want to deal with in this happy moment. 

“It doesn’t change anything.”  

You stride to Randy’s side and hug. You weren’t allowed to touch him when you were visiting him in lockup. He clings to you burying his face into your neck and you can feel the hot tears against your neck. “Thank you. Thank you so much for never giving up on me.” You hug him tighter feeling your own tears roll down your cheeks.  

≪ °❈° ≫ 

You were sitting back at the apartment curled up on the couch wrapped in a blanket as Randy was spending an ungodly amount of time in the bathroom. You smiled to yourself, just happy that he was home. Even if he was back to crashing on your couch. He joined on the couch, hair still wet from his shower. He leaned back into the cushions with a sigh. The two of you sat in silence processing all that had happened in the last four months.  

“I found a rehab program when I was locked up. It focuses on people with mental health issues like my bipolar. I called and they said they had a spot open for me. Someone ran out. Good luck, huh?” You laugh shaking your head.  

“Good to know you still have your positivity streak.” You lay back feeling absolutely exhausted. You had been having a fatigue that just wouldn’t go away. “I think it's a good idea though. It would be good for you to get that settled. Your being off and on your meds hasn't been helping. I just want you to be happy, and have a real chance at the life you deserve.”  

“Yeah, I know. I hope you know I appreciate everything you have done for me. Everything that you have had to sacrifice.” You say his name, but he cuts you off, “No, really Chickadee. All these years, you didn’t have to do any of it. Without you, I would have been dead or locked up three times over by now.” You reach out and start running your finger through his hair. “It’ll probably be good for you to have to space anyways.” 

“I don’t mind you sleeping on my couch.” You assure him. 

“I know, but with you being pregnant and all. I’m sure you-” 

“I’m sorry about me being what?” Randy doesn’t miss a beat. 

“Oh, come on Chickadee. I know you were trying not to make a big deal out of it because of everything that was going on but-” You shake your head at him, laughing. 

“Randy, I’m not pregnant.” The finality in your voice makes him turn his position to face you more fully. He quirks an eyebrow at you. 

“Are you sure about that?” His tone is one of disbelief as he eyes your form. You smack his shoulder saying his name loudly. “Well, I would check into that, anyhow. You know with the fatigue, upset stomach, morning sickness, and with how big those things have gotten.” He gestures to your breast with a wave of his hand.  

You look down at them and feel your mind starting to spiral as you try to think of the last time you had a period. You bite your thumb as you realize it was before the case had started. While it wasn’t uncommon for you to skip when you were stressed out, that was a considerable amount of time. “Alright, I’m kicking you out of my bed. I haven’t had a good night's sleep in almost four months.” Randy didn’t seem to notice your mind spinning. He thought that you were still just messing around with him. He had no idea the can of worms he had just opened in your head. 

You stood up numbly as he started making the couch his makeshift bed. Then flopping onto it with a content sigh. You say nothing as you go to grab your purse and head toward the drug store a block over.   

[danikamariewrites]

Azriel x adhd!Reader

A/n: As someone with ADHD I struggle with a lot of stuff like my emotions and daily tasks. I like talking about it bc I don’t think it should be taboo and I hate the stigmatism around it that it’s just people being lazy. If your struggling with ADHD or any other mental health problems know you’re not alone ❤️

Warnings: mentions of mental health struggles, some angst

At first Azriel didn’t understand why your mood could be so up and down all the time. Or why you struggled with getting out of bed some days and others you had so much energy you didn’t know what to do with it.

You didn’t like loud noises, being touched unless you wanted too, and some textures overwhelmed your senses causing you to lash out.

You have a hard time communicating your feelings and he does too, which makes you both frustrated when one of you just brushes the other off or is passive aggressive.

Azriel notices you space out sometimes or that when he’s talking to you, you ask him to repeat things because you didn’t hear him. He thinks it’s odd but brushes it off as you just being preoccupied. He also picks up on your fidgeting but never thought anything of it

One day you both snap at each other resulting in the worst fight you’ve ever had

Azriel ends up going to Rhys for advice because he doesn’t want some stupid fight on a random Monday to be the reason you break up

Azriel tells his brother about the issues that have been building up over the last few months and Rhys, who’s been one of your best friends since childhood, tells him you’ve always been that way

He doesn’t go into detail, it’s your story to tell, but he does tell Az about when you were younger and your parents had Madja come give you a few tests. He remembered being a little nervous for you but you were fine. You just needed a little extra help and attention with things because your brain works differently

Azriel instantly feels bad that he didn’t know

“It’s ok Az, she didn’t even tell me until we were teenagers.” Rhys says sympathetically. “Yeah but I’m the one that’s supposed to be there for her, not get angry with her.” Rhys hugs his brother, insisting he stay the night and that time apart will do you both good

The next morning Az comes home to you baking in the kitchen

You had to move around or the thoughts of Azriel not coming home because you were too much of a burden were going to eat you alive

When you see him you try to apologize but he cuts you off asking if you could sit down and talk

“I don’t want to push, but Rhys told me about when you were younger and the testing with Madja.” He says gently

You take a deep breath, trying to blink your tears away

Sometimes it’s hard for you to talk about your ADHD because you hate to seem weak or different

But you’ve held back long enough and if you didn’t tell Azriel soon you knew you would get worse trying to mask it

You tell him everything. how your energy goes up and down, your depression and that it’s worse because you can’t find the energy to do things

You feel useless sometimes because you forget things or because you don’t listen

He hugs you as you cry into his chest, “I just feel so guilty being this way. I’m sorry Az.”

He brushes away your tears, “It’s ok my love. I know I don’t communicate well either. And I’m sorry, I didn’t know you felt this way. It must’ve been killing you to keep it in.”

From that point forward Azriel was always there to make things better

Your communication improved and fights or the silent treatment became very rare

You weren’t afraid to tell him if something was bothering you or if you needed extra help or attention from him

Azriel and his shadows could pick up if you were being overstimulated or stressed out, so there were times you didn’t even need to ask

If you were out with the group and became uncomfortable Azriel would take you somewhere quite to help calm your anxiety

He’d wrap his wings around you so it would be dark and quite, helping slow your panicked breathing

“It’s ok baby, take a deep breath.” “That’s it, in and out, don’t rush.” “Here feel my heartbeat, can we try and match it?”

If you didn’t like how your sweater or dress was feeling that day he would be there with a back up or give you his own

“Are you sure Az, I don’t want to take it from you then you’ll be cold.” “Don’t worry about me baby, I just want you to be comfortable. Plus I’m built for the cold, Illyrian remember?”

Whenever you start fidgeting it’s usually if you’re bored or nervous. Azriel always keeps a little fidget toy or a pen on him so you can hold it and focus your energy on that. He knows you hate being thought of as a distraction and you think it’s better to focus on a small thing in your hands rather than swinging your feet or pushing your chair around

You thought him knowing about your ADHD would change how he feels about you or treat you differently. You bring this up to him one night in bed, “This doesn’t change the way I feel about you at all. You’re still perfect to me, my love. You just need extra help sometimes and it’s ok to ask for help.”

[holybibly]

Bunnies, please spend a little time with this message, because there are things I want to talk to you about.

First of all, I'm fine. I'm so sorry for worrying so many people yesterday. Sorry if I haven't replied to your DMs yet, there are a lot of them and I need time to reply to all the bunnies.

Please do not worry. Your experiences are not worth me (don't even think about arguing about it), nothing in your life can be more important than you and your family.

Now let's talk about serious matters. I did a lot of thinking last night and it was a hard night, I won't lie. I am a very sensitive person and most of the time I accumulate emotions until they just drown me. The last few weeks have been stressful for me with work and I haven't had much time to relax or get inspired, but when things finally started to pick up, this message was the last straw. It really hurt me.

I hope situations like this don't happen again

Now, I want to talk about comfort and other things on the blog.

1. Nicknames. For all the followers of my blog there is a special nickname "bunny". This is a special nickname associated with one of my works - Pretty Flushed. This is my first popular piece, it is a unique idea and this is what makes my blog my own. From the moment I posted this, it became natural to call my followers 'bunny', as everyone who asked me questions or wrote to me personally signed themselves as 'bunny'.

Now I want to ask you - are you comfortable with this nickname? Did you feel anxious or uncomfortable when I called you that? I don't want you to feel that way, so if it bothers you, let me know and I'll stop.

2. The question of trust. As I wrote earlier, unfortunately I cannot be sure whether I am communicating with minors or not.Because the issue of age deception is very acute.

Neither Tumblr, nor Wattpad, nor YouTube, nor even Gmail can verify your age on a reliable, documented basis when you create a personal account. The only way we can find out is if the user reports it to us. And this is where the question of trust comes in. Can I trust you? Should I keep doing this? These questions are constantly on my mind. It makes me anxious and panicky. But also, how can we live in a society where you are afraid every day? My blog is a safe place for adults and conscious people, but I can't guarantee that somewhere among my 2.8k followers there aren't underage teenagers. Because I just don't know who's telling me the truth and who's not.

If any of my bunnies find out about underage accounts, please let me know so that we can make the issue public.

There is also the issue of anonymity. You can call me shameless, but I am not ashamed of my desires or thoughts, you all literally live in my head, but I know that there are people who are not ready to talk publicly about their desires and dreams, here are also people who are simply afraid to do so because someone might find out and use it against them. We all have different lives and we all have different life and social circumstances, so I understand all the people who are not ready, who are afraid or who are ashamed of their thoughts and dreams.

I will not block the possibility to talk to me anonymously and I leave it up to you. You can also DM me with your request if you don't feel comfortable with me posting the answer for everyone to see.

3. Communication. Bunnies, communication is important to me; it's true. I always want to know how you feel, if you are comfortable, and what you think of my work and of me. But unfortunately, sometimes my questions remain unanswered, and I begin to doubt if everything is going well. There is no greater fear for me than that you do not feel comfortable with me.

I don't know why, but it seems to me that many people avoid communicating with me. Some people think I'm rude or abrupt, and I don't seem to fit in with the general happy atmosphere. I am most comfortable with my bunnies. I enjoy playing with them, flirting with them, or just talking to them, and I'm very lucky to have made great friends, but I still feel isolated in a way.

It's weird; people always tell me that they've heard of me or that I have some kind of bunny fandom of my own, but I'm nothing more than a normal person. I will never lie to you and try to be better than I am. I am who I am, and I have no intention of creating a false persona in order to be loved. If I'm not right for you, don't waste your time.

I always tell you that you can come to me with all the questions in the world. I will never refuse to help you. Communication is the key to success, don't you think? I know I can be intense, and the way I communicate on the blog is unique, but that is how I see this space—without templates, labels, bias, shaming, judgement, and other things. This is a place where you can be yourself.

So let's communicate more and get to know each other better to make our lives a little easier.

I may decide to add a few more things here later, but these are the issues that concern me most at the moment.

Also, in terms of updates, the planned update for this weekend for full-length work will be postponed until next week.

Unholy hours have been on the air since the weekend. 

I love and appreciate you very much, my bunnies, and I hope I have been able to share some of my thoughts with you. We will work on improving the atmosphere in our little naughty house.

[innbetween]

Question more so for Hannah than Tessa but who knows, maybe podcasts exist in the dnd world.

wanted to know if you had any queer fantasy and/or sci-fi audio drama recommendations. I’ve listened to and loved Welcome To NightVale, Jar Of Rebuke, Absolutely No Adventures, Zoo, The Bright Sessions, and of course, Inn Between. Thanks regardless :]

DO I

Yeah I definitely do. I'm actually one of those cishets myself, so just to be absolutely clear, i'm going to include only shows with at least one main character who's not like. You know. One of me. I'm also looking at your selections and noting a sort of steady pacing, respect for exploration, and character focus, so I'll be leaning toward those.

FANTASY

Dragon's Rest is a sitcom in the vein of ANA and Inn Between--a fantasy inn, a grumpy owner, her hapless hero hopeful busboy, the local lush, a bard who, and I cannot stress this enough, is too dumb to read. It's delightful, honestly.

Eeler's Choice is a strange and beautiful oceanic adventure about magic, siblings, and giant eels. The music slaps also.

Electromancy: imagine if Harry Potter was a) not written by a freakin transphobe, and b) actually asked hard questions about imperialism. Like hey, should we be doing imperialism?

The Kingmaker Histories is hard to describe. I can say "steampunk," and "magic" and "magical politics" and "Collette's got a jewel stuck in her head that explodes people sometimes" but that's not even the half of it.

Sidequesting is like, best friends with ANA. Rion, a brave hero, is given a magic sword for an epic quest...and promptly goes and does literally everything else. It's so nice.

Starfall hey what's up Starfall I love you Starfall, Starfall's about a magic theater troupe and definitely not also about how imperialism is bad, actually. Fel and Leona own my whole heart. Friends.

Sci-Fi

Ask Your Father is one of those shows that hits you in the teeth. When an accident sends an astronaut and his AI bestie way off course, he finds himself lost in space, answering questions from his kids and husband that will absolutely break your heart. I cried. A lot.

Gastronaut is near-future sci-fi about a bougie foodie who goes on a journey to discover the food of the Asian diaspora throughout the solar system. And things go...very bad. This show loves food so much and it loves the characters even more.

Midnight Burger is...everything. How do you even describe it. It's hard sci-fi dressed up in a found family package and served with fries. Or maybe beans and rice, if Gloria's cooking. It is a deeply cynical show that nevertheless insists that the universe is worth fighting for, with everything you've got.

The Pasithea Powder is explicitly written for people who like a gritty, uncomfortable, messy romance. Like, did you like Stucky fanfic? So do the writers and it's amazing. The tagline is that a retired fighter pilot/war hero and a disgraced scientist/war criminal used to be best friends. They still might be, if the other one will pick up the phone.

Second Star to the Left is about colonization and xenobiology and the kinds of connections you can make light years away from each other. It's about rules and when it's okay to break them. It's beautiful.

Startripper!! is also very ANA and Inn Between--an accountant decides to ditch his day job, buy the far-future equivalent of a Millennium Falcon replica, and travel the universe for the rest of his life. It's so fun.

The Strange Case of the Starship Iris is like, if Firefly had real Asians in it. It's about a group of space smugglers turned galaxy heroes, and it's absolutely incredible.

Travelling Light is another travelogue, but this one features a person doing archival work for their community and meeting amazing people and hearing amazing stories while they do it. It's so gentle and wonderful.

World Gone Wrong is a chat podcast between two separated roommates who are trying to make sense of the end of the world. Like what do you do with that extra hour in the day now? Is my community going to lose its mind because some of the trees look like women? How can I throw a poetry jam that's inclusive for my werewolf friends? It's so well crafted and well acted. I think about it every day.

Wow this ended up long. There's a few to get you started!

[morlock-holmes]

I didn't say I think "dominant" culture values rational systems (and what dominant culture do you even mean), just that rationalism falls way short on its claims to do so. And I dunno, this is personal, but I can't agree that the subculture that told me "actually you should reframe your entire life around your scrupulosity" is much of an improvement, even if the bar is extremely low. Not when that subculture is full of all the kinds of social manipulation and cruelty it claims to be above.

I'm making very narrow claims that don't really have anything to do with what you're talking about here.

I have trouble communicating how much even high functioning autistic people have struggled with things that allistic people "just know", (a phrase I've heard again and again when interrogating allistic people).

Here's an example, which I believe I heard as a real life example although I can't recall where:

You have issues with the texture of clothing and there are only a few dress shirts you have that you can stand to wear. You have a sudden nose-bleed on one of your shirts and get blood all over the collar and down the front.

You launder the shirt but the blood stains have set in and are still very visible.

Should you wear that shirt to the office?

Most allistic people already know that the answer is, "almost certainly not."

An autistic person is likely to go through this process:

I have no idea if I should wear that shirt to the office or not, so let's figure it out.

Well, I have laundered the shirt so it is clean and sanitary, the stains are just visual blemishes.

All the social messages I've heard since I were a kid say that you can't judge a book by its cover and that looks don't matter, it's what's inside that counts.

And, I have a desk job, I wasn't hired to look a certain way, but rather to produce a certain kind of work, and wearing this comfortable shirt makes it easy for me to work without being distracted by uncomfortable clothes.

Therefore, logically, I can't imagine that anybody at the office will object to my wearing this shirt.

That last sentence is key, and I really want you to focus on it. You **aren't** thinking, "Well, maybe the button down drones at the office think this is a problem, but I know better than they do."

No, you aren't thinking that at all. You're thinking, "I put together the clues so I'm sure everyone at the office will feel the exact same way as I do"

And when they don't, it's a shock.

Now, I want you to further imagine that this is how you reason about other people and the world, but through some cosmic joke you've ended up at an employer where dressing right is incredibly important.

You'll get yelled at by your boss if you wear the wrong thing and your coworkers will turn on you. But there's no published dress code, you're just supposed to "just know" what an employee should wear.

But look at your reasoning above! You *don't* "just know" what the fashion is. Imagine you eventually say, to your boss and some coworkers, "I'm starting to get really stressed about not knowing what to wear to work, I really want to wear the right thing and be part of the team but I don't know how and I'm getting stressed out."

Immediately everybody turns on you. Your boss calls you into his office to ream you out. Your coworkers start a petition to fire you because you're obviously trying to undermine the valuable work culture that they have worked so hard to create. Concerned work friends pull you aside and go, "Jesus, are you crazy? We all stress out about what to wear but you never say it in public!"

Think about what that might feel like.

Now imagine you get fired and at your next job the boss is like, "Hey, the dress code is pretty important here, here's a list of what we expect. Sometimes some stuff is kind of on the edge so you won't know, but it's always fine to ask me if something is appropriate, and if you accidentally wear something that's on the wrong side that's fine, I'll let you know and we'll work on getting you some more appropriate stuff, but you won't get in trouble."

I want you to really think about what it would feel like, as an autistic person, to be at that second job after decades working at the first. To suddenly know you could ask questions or make mistakes at something that doesn't come easily to you after so much time in an environment where you're told that this stuff comes easily to everyone and people only *pretend* to be bad at it to get away with things.

What you're doing is coming in and going, "Well, that second job might be bad for other, unrelated reasons."

I will completely grant that, you're utterly correct. That second job might be terrible for a bunch of unrelated reasons.

But I'm never going back to that first job.

[eff4freddie]

After She Left | Three

Words: 5.3k

You have your first tutoring session with Ellie, while Joel goes out on patrol. It goes reasonably well, flower penises not withstanding.

Chapter warnings: descriptions of a panic attack, canon-typical violence, slooooow burn

Two | Series Masterlist | Four

He was really trying, but there were just some things he was struggling to get used to. It seemed like Ellie had adapted perfectly back to life in a community, having grown up in a QZ, but Joel was finding it hard. There were just always people around. People who smiled and greeted him with a nod, people who asked him how his day had been and seemed genuinely interested in the answer, people who weren’t trying to take his stuff, kill him, kill his daughter. He wanted to trust it, could see the way Tommy’s pink cheeks had filled out from the lack of stress, examined his own features in the mirror and saw the way his mouth permanently turned down, felt the way his jaw clicked and rolled in its joint from the strain of the last twenty or so years. There was something uncomfortable in how comfortable everything was. He was trying to find the reason, and starting to suspect it was him.

Tommy had put him on patrols, figuring this was the best of Joel’s skills available to Jackson. His patrol partner, Guillaume, was French-Canadian and fancy as fuck by comparison, had spent some time in the French Foreign Legion before coming back to Canada right before the outbreak, and he was both disciplined and elegant in a way that Joel admired and found intimidating. He could barely pronounce the man’s name, let alone make conversation. Joel had never been to Canada. Had heard it was pretty, always wanted to visit the Rockies, but first there was school and then there was Sarah and then there was everything that came after that. Guillaume was, if Joel had to guess, at least ten years younger, maybe closer to fifteen. Joel could tell by the way he didn’t groan when pulling himself up out of a crouch.

But still, out here beyond the wall, he felt more himself then stuck behind it. Even if the QZ, in his smuggling days, he’d felt hemmed in and suburban stuck in his tiny apartment, had jumped at the chance to venture out. It wasn’t just about the ration cards, or survival, even if it might have started out that way. Something in him, the dormant wolf he guessed, liked the open space, liked the prowling and the protecting, felt the pulse of Jackson’s neck between his teeth.

Guillaume was up ahead, Joel’s horse following his as they worked the perimeter. Joel’s mind was wondering, thinking back to Ellie in that little schoolhouse, wondering how long before she got itchy feet too, when he realised the other man had stopped.

‘What is it, Gollum?’ Joel asked, the hair raising on the back of his neck.

‘Someone has been here,’ Guillaume said, in a whisper. ‘The dirt has been disturbed.’

Joel followed the younger man’s eye and could indeed see that there were patches of ground, indentations in the long grass.

‘We should track ‘em,’ Joel said, scanning the treeline. Up ahead, maybe thirty paces, he spotted a broken tree branch at roughly shoulder height. Wordlessly he pointed it out to Guillaume, who nodded.

‘Dismount?’ Joel asked, watching the younger man reach for the knife strapped to his thigh. Guillaume nodded again, making a gesture with his hand Joel couldn’t quite figure out, but assumed it meant shut up ya fuckin’ hillbilly and stop tryina blow our cover.

The two men, despite their size and, in Joel’s case, age, could be surprisingly quiet. They covered the 30 paces to the treeline in a matter of seconds, their footsteps lost to the sound of the wind in the trees. Joel could feel his breath coming in tight and cold across his chest, his own knife gripped in his hand now, hoping he still had the strength in his hands, that his knuckles weren’t so swollen, so chipped, that he couldn’t do damage with them if he needed to. He swallowed, hard, his eyes on Guillaume’s six as the light faded under the canopy.

Another ten paces, a bent tree branch, a couple of light footsteps in the undergrowth. All of it indicated someone had been here recently, the wind not yet having erased the evidence. They were about a 40-minute ride from Jackson, maybe a day and a half’s walk, but there was nothing to indicate whether the person was coming towards them or moving away. In the silence Joel heard his ears ringing, crouching slightly, coiled tight like a spring.

Guillaume waved to him, indicating more tracks veering off to the right, but Joel had found his own set, moving in a straight line further into the trees. He peered into the encroaching darkness, the thicket of underbrush and density of the trunks consuming any light. Neither of them had brought a torch for a daytime patrol.

Reconvening, Guillaume and Joel silently discussed, using their hands and mouthing the words into the air between them, whether the tracks belonged to the same person. Guillaume believed that they did, that this person had doubled back, perhaps become disoriented, delirious, maybe even bitten. Joel was less sure, not willing to rule out a second person, maybe even a third. Guillaume wanted to continue to follow the trail, gesturing impatiently for Joel to follow, but Joel had one eye on the horses, tied up and exposed just on the treeline, felt like if it was more than one person they would need a few patrolmen to work the line.

Guillaume sighed, exasperated, the creaking trees absorbing the sound. With his hands, Joel offered to write the report in the logbook. That seemed to appease the younger man, somewhat.

--

You rolled your shoulders, heard the little crinkle of the muscles as they stretched around the base of your skull. You’d been thinking about it, probably too much, all the things you were going to teach Ellie. Armed with a couple of textbooks and a patchy memory of your own classes, you’d already decided you were going to start with history, maybe talk to her about some of the bigger battles, having the sense that this would be up her alley. If she liked that, maybe you could get her reading some of the books you’d scrounged over the years, managed to beg for if you knew patrols were heading into formerly suburban areas. You didn’t need much, just a couple of the classics. You had a vision, a dream, of Ellie reading War and Peace, or even Crime and Punishment. You knew she’d like them if she had the context, if she could sit still long enough.

You made your way to the Miller house, your arms carrying the lesson you’d spent all night planning in your head. You weren’t going to go too hard too early on the academic stuff, you were going to figure out what she liked. You didn’t want it to be super formal, super structured, but you still wanted to balance the need for academics against the need to make it interesting, engaging enough that she stuck it out. You remembered your little sister was a great reader, had bemoaned the lack of books in the QZ.

Ellie opened the door, her bare feet padding down the hallway as she beckoned you in over her shoulder.

‘Hey, I’m just having lunch, come in,’ she said, casually as she disappeared around the corner.

‘Not mac and cheese I hope?’ you asked, wondering if Joel was here too, if he would hear your little joke, maybe give you another one of those lopsided smirks.

‘Nah, don’t think we’ll do that shit again for a real long time,’ Ellie said, smiling as she spooned porridge into her bowl. ‘You want some?’

‘I already ate, thanks though,’ you said.

Ellie nodded her head, half listening.

‘S’cool you’re doing this for me,’ she said, and you smiled at her.

‘Of course.’

‘Joel said it’s important,’ she went on.

‘I agree,’ you said.

‘Now that it’s not just about…surviving.’

You paused, watching her for a moment. She seemed sad, just for a second, for as long as she could tolerate, before she was shovelling rolled oats into her mouth. ‘I gotta wonder why bother, though,’ she said, and she was looking at you now, chewing but with her eyes glued to yours, watching your reaction.

‘Education is always important,’ you said, and she swallowed so she could interrupt you.

‘Yeah but like, what for? I’m gonna do patrols as soon as I’m old enough, and you don’t need books for that.’

‘You could do more than patrols, though, Ellie, and really it’s important to be thoughtful, and to think critically, if you’re going to plan out an expedition or keep yourself safe.’

‘Joel’s been teaching me that for ages,’ she said, as though this was the definitive answer on the topic. You swallowed.

‘I guess the thing is… life would be pretty dull if all you did was patrols, and you didn’t take the time to be…’ Human. You wanted to say human. To be a person. So many people you’d met over the years had forgotten that part. You knew the dangers of it, the cruelty it allowed. ‘…to think, and to use your mind in a different way.’

She considered you for a second.

‘I’ve met some really dumb people, they didn’t think at all.’ She chewed, and you let her mull it over. ‘I don’t wanna be like them,’ she concluded. You nodded your head, opening the book in front of you. Good enough.

--

Back in Jackson the noise of the main street, the laughter and play of the kids, the chatter of women and men standing out on the street, the construction of the new town hall, all of it assaulted Joel’s ears enough that it made it impossible to concentrate. He wanted to get back to the stables, dismount and tend to the horses, then find Tommy as fast as he could.

He found his brother outside the mess hall chewing on an apple. He saw his brother’s expression shift as he rounded on him.

‘Tommy,’ Joel started, gripping his brother by the arm and pulling him to stand more upright, more at attention.

‘Whassgoanon?’ Tommy asked, around a mouthful, seeing the urgency on Joel’s face.

‘Tracks, we found tracks, me and Gollum.’

‘Comin’ere?’ Tommy asked, and Joel shook his head.

‘Don’t know, not sure, hard to tell. Didn’t find anyone, just tracks and some branches. Gollum wanted to try and track ‘em but I said we needed to come back, bring back more men.’

‘You think it was more than one?’

‘Not sure, Gollum didn’t think so but didn’t make sense, what he was sayin’. About a person maybe getting lost, how could he tell that just from the ground?’

‘He was in the army out in France,’ Tommy said, wiping his mouth.

‘This ain’t France,’ Joel grunted.

‘So, you didn’t try and track them?’ Tommy asked, and watched as Joel shook his head. ‘Could have been someone in trouble.’

‘Coulda been a pack of raiders, or an infected.’

‘You heard nothin’?’ Tommy asked, and Joel shook his head again.

‘Looked like fresh tracks, though,’ he said.

Tommy regarded him carefully, noticing now for the first time the worried look in Joel’s eye, the way he was fidgeting, his impatience.

‘You know you coulda tried to find out more,’ Tommy suggested, gently, and watched as his big brother’s eyes darkened.

‘You weren’t out there, you didn’t know. It felt wrong, is all.’ Joel said. ‘We coulda been outnumbered, we coulda been shot in the back of the head never even seen it coming.’

Tommy considered this, considered his brother, what he must have seen, what he must have gone through to get here, to bring Ellie with him, keep her alive. He hadn’t asked what happened to Tess, hadn’t pressed for the details. He knew that his brother would give them to him if he felt like it, and that Tommy would probably wait forever.

‘Brother, it’s OK if you ah…if you’re not…’

‘I’m doin’ fine, just don’t want to go running off after a pack of raiders because Gollum don’t reckon there’s a threat.’

‘I get that,’ Tommy said.

‘So you comin’ or what?’ Joel asked, finding it hard to stand in one place all of a sudden.

‘To look at some branches and some dirt however many miles outside these walls?’ Tommy asked, and saw the way Joel’s eyes were darting around, back to the stables, over to the gates. ‘Nah, brother, if they’re out there they ain’t getting’ in here.’

‘Just wanted backup, thought it would be better,’ Joel said. He could feel heat on his cheeks, his tummy twisting and unsettled in a strange way.

‘Y’know she’s safe here,’ Tommy said, and Joel grunted, tired of the conversation, of being condescended to by his idiot brother, soft after years of living behind a secure gate.

‘I know it,’ he said, not bothering to hide the frustration in his voice. ‘Told ya I was fine.’

--

Ellie was getting tired even though you’d only been working for two or so hours, the light turning golden as the afternoon settled in. You’d sat her up at the kitchen table but now you realised she was feeling restless, that the walls were closing in on her. You’d been going over World War I, in the lead up to the Great Depression, but she was struggling with all the different countries and you’d started to realise you maybe needed to get her an atlas first. It wasn’t the first time you’d been confronted with trying to teach the whole of human history to kids without any frame of reference with which to understand. But you persisted, because they needed to know it, because they were going to carry the history of the world in their words and their stories, because without them knowing, without them holding it, humanity would finally be wiped clear.

‘Maybe let’s switch it up,’ you said to Ellie, who was slumping over on her forearms, her chin resting in her hands.

‘Yes please,’ she said.

‘How about we do some botany?’ you asked, and she couldn’t hide her disappointment.

‘What’s that mean?’ she asked, barely raising her head.

‘It means let’s go sit outside, sit in the sun for a while.’

The Miller house was one of the originals in Jackson, which meant that it still had a little fenced area out back, where years and years ago someone might have been able to grill while watching their kids play under a sprinkler on a hot day. It also meant, though, that it was overgrown, the plants long having gone to seed, the grass thick and wild. You sat with Ellie on the edge of the porch, looking out at the weeds and the wildflowers. It reminded you of her.

‘Ok, so let’s talk about how plants pollenate,’ you said, picking a flower and dropping it into Ellie’s hands. ‘The thing about plants is that they need each other to grow. Flowers reproduce like humans do, so that means they need…’

‘Wait,’ Ellie said, her face incredulous. ‘Are you saying flowers have penises?’

‘Umm…well kind of?’ you said, trying to be serious as she broke out into fits of giggles.

‘This whole yard is full of dicks?’

‘Stamens,’ you said, and Ellie grinned again. ‘And other flowers make umm, well kind of like eggs I guess, that need the pollen that the stamen produce.’

‘This is sick,’ Ellie said, and you were trying not to grin at her, the warmth of the sun on your skin making you forget that you were supposed to be the serious adult in this situation.

‘It’s nature, Ellie.’

‘So out there right now,’ Ellie said, gesturing again to the yard, ‘is a plant orgy?’

You paused.

‘I mean…’ you started, and it was enough for Ellie to see that she was right, and she was howling then, doubled over with giggles.

‘Grossssssss,’ she said, and you were again reminded of how young she was, how exposed to such terrors in so many ways and so innocent of others.

‘I haven’t told you the best bit,’ you said, about to regret it but going for it anyway. ‘The pollen can’t easily get to the eggs without help, so things like bees or beetles or sometimes animals pass by the flowers and spread it around.’

‘Oh my god it’s a floral threesome,’ Ellie said, and you were trying not to giggle now, Ellie’s laughter creating little bubbles of joy in the air between you such that you couldn’t resist them, let them envelope you.

‘Are you learning anything right now?’ you asked, and Ellie shook her head.

‘Just that the world’s more fucked up than I thought,’ she said. You sighed.

‘What about cordyceps?’ she asked, suddenly, and you saw her pull on her sleeve. ‘Is that like…is that an orgy too? Inside people?’

Her face was serious now, and you felt the conversation shift.

‘No, fungus is what they actually call asexual, it doesn’t do the pollen thing, it does spores.’

Ellie considered this for a moment, and you watched the cogs turn in her head. ‘That seems right,’ she said, eventually. ‘There’s nothing sexy about those clicking motherfuckers.’

‘Ok, language,’ you said, and she glared at you, offended. ‘Sorry but I am here to do a job.’

‘I’m right though,’ she said, crushing the flower you’d given her in her fingers, rubbing the pollen between her palms, rolling it into a kind of paste.

--

Joel was not fine. Down at the mess hall he kept seeing Gollum and his younger friends, the bunch of them huddled over a map of the area, tracing the river up by the dam to see if they could work out where a person might wonder if they got lost. It was stupid, Joel knew any person coming up this way was coming because they had heard of the fabled safe haven beyond the gates, where the infected couldn’t tread and where raiders were kept at bay. Where there was safety and children and the world was going on, this tiny little piece of heaven that would surely welcome any comers brave enough to walk their way up to it.

He chewed his dinner like it had personally insulted him, wondering briefly where Ellie was. Wasn’t like her to miss dinner, but she was also starting to make some of her own friends, arcing away from him in that way that teenage girls do, and he was fighting down the panic, the searing abandonment, to let her go and be at home here, to find herself a place. Everything that had gone down in Salt Lake was to give her this, a chance at a future, at a normal life. He wasn’t going to mess it up now just because he missed her.

He'd been thinking of her the moment Guillaume said he wanted to keep going, knew in his bones, in his sinew, that if they were set upon he wouldn’t be fast enough, wouldn’t be able to get back to Jackson on his own, to warn the town, to send it into lockdown. Guillaume had a chance, but not if there were more than a handful of them and not if Joel had already fallen. Joel knew that his body and Guillaume’s would be lost to the mud they’d be left in when they were slaughtered where they stood. Then it would be on to Jackson, to Ellie and Tommy and Maria asleep in their beds.

He felt it starting to grip him, the tight little hand of panic wrapping itself up in his lower intestine and tugging, the shift in his heartrate sending tremors into his hands. Ellie tucked up in her bed thinking her dad was out there protecting her, not knowing the walls were being breached as she slept. Joel tried to swallow, found that his throat was too dry, dropped his spoon onto his plate and reached up to pull at his collar, give himself some room. Ellie’s blood seeping into her sheets, her last gasping breath wondering where her daddy was. Joel coughed, felt like his throat was closing, his ears ringing loud enough to drown out the mess hall around him. Blood on his shirt and on his arms, hands held tight and firm over punctured skin.

Joel stood up so fast he nearly kicked his chair over, the food turning sour in his gut as he strode out of the mess hall. Time to get air, time to get home, time to find Ellie and put her safe in the house, stand by the door and stop anyone from entering. He got home in record time, his heart thumping hard and insistent in his chest. He just needed to see her for a second, make sure she was alright, and then he would be able to breathe again.

Pulling open his front door hard enough to take it off the hinges, he called for her, his voice bouncing down the hall. He called again, his boots thumping into the living room, finding it empty, feeling his mind starting to unravel, his thoughts whirring faster than he could catch them. He tried again, preparing to take to the stairs when he heard the backdoor swinging open.

‘You finally home old man?’ she called, and he turned towards it, his legs carrying him in the direction of her voice before he’d even really thought about it.

‘Ellie?’ he called again, rounding the corner to find her standing, bare foot and smiling in the last of the afternoon light.

‘You eat already?’ she asked, and he felt the slack return to his muscles, the breath expand again into the bottom of his lungs. He felt shaky and woozy, wanted to sit down and also pull her to him, check her over just to try and ease his racing mind.

‘I could go and get something,’ you called from over her shoulder, and Joel felt his stomach drop, again, peering around his daughter as he saw you perched on the edge of the porch, a textbook in your lap and a notepad on the ground in front of you, covered in Ellie’s scrawl.

‘Hi Joel,’ you said, when he came into view. You waved to him, shyly, and tried very hard not to take it personally when he just panted in your general direction.

‘You’re being weird,’ Ellie observed, and Joel turned his eyes back to her. His heart was still racing, his hands still trembling, but he was home and so was Ellie, and now so were you, and he had interrupted a moment of innocence, a moment ripped from the future he had bought for Ellie with blood, and he was a fool and a coward and a very, very tired one at that.

‘Ate already, but you guys keep learnin’,’ he said, his voice gravelly and unsure. He rested his hand on his chest, right at the base of his sternum, and tried to breathe into it.

‘You OK?’ you asked, moving to stand up, but he held his hands up to you.

‘No, stay,’ he said, moving back from the door and into the house, his feet carrying him into the kitchen. ‘I won’t threaten to cook for you, let me go back to the mess and get you somethin’. Both of you somethin’.’

After he was gone, Ellie turned to you.

‘He was being weird,’ she repeated.

--

Joel sat on the couch in the living room, listening to you and Ellie chat. You’d been at his place almost all day, teaching and entertaining his girl, and you didn’t seem to be tired at all. Joel was exhausted, his bones creaking. He still felt out of sorts, a knot in his stomach at the thought of someone prowling outside the walls. He had to remember what Tommy had said, that they weren’t going to get in unless invited. He had to put trust in other people to believe it, though, and he’d learned long ago that’s not how you stay alive.

He heard Ellie giggling again, and he tuned back in to your conversation.

‘Does Joel know about the plant dicks?’ Ellie was asking, and he was up and heading in.

‘Do I know about the what?’ he asked, and he turned to you, saw that you were furiously blushing. You’d both finished your stew, were now just sitting at the table, Ellie leaning all the way back on her chair.

‘Flowers have dicks and they’re constantly orgy-ing each other,’ Ellie said.

‘Orgy’s not a verb,’ you said, because you were going to make this conversation educational if it fucking killed you.

‘What the hell you girls been doin’ all day?’ Joel asked, pretending to be offended. Ellie laughed, seeing through it immediately.

‘Nothin’ you need to worry about anymore, old man,’ she said, and she laughed again when Joel swatted her comment away. You couldn’t help noticing, because you were trained to watch, that Ellie started dropping her g’s when Joel was around.

Joel pulled out a chair and sat down beside you, glancing down at the books piled up, now closed, on the table.

‘She been good to ya today?’ he asked you, nodding his head towards Ellie.

‘She did a great job,’ you said, really meaning it. ‘I didn’t expect to be here so long, I’m sorry if I’ve overstayed.’

He waved this comment away, too.

‘Happy to have you here looking after her, feel better knowin’ she’s got someone here.’

‘I’m sittin’ right here y’know,’ Ellie said, and you turned to her.

‘Sorry, I used to hate when the adults talked about me like I wasn’t there, that’s my bad,’ you said. She nodded at you, accepting your apology.

‘Canna go see Dina?’ she asked Joel, and he nodded.

‘It’s late, don’t be long,’ he called after her, but she was already up and heading down the hall.

‘She really did do well today,’ you said to him, and he nodded at you.

‘She’s a bright girl,’ he replied. You heard the front door slam, taking it as your cue to leave.

‘Wait,’ Joel said, reaching out and nearly taking your arm, stopping himself just in time. ‘I wanted to…ask you somethin’.’

‘Course,’ you said, sitting back down.

‘You ever get…I mean you work in that schoolhouse, and it’s so…the whole place here it’s just like…’

He was floundering, and he knew it, and he couldn’t stop it.

‘I had a hard time when I first got here,’ you said, throwing him a lifeline that he snatched up, held fast to his chest. ‘It felt like…I don’t know, like a mirage?’

Joel nodded. ‘Keep waitin’ to wake up, back in some forest somewhere.’

‘Yeah, I remember that,’ you said. ‘I mean it’s been a while, but I remember that feeling. Not being able to trust it.’

You watched as Joel stared down at his own hands, picking at the cuticles. You sensed he wanted to say more, and also that he wasn’t going to allow himself to. You waited.

 ‘I felt like that, in your schoolhouse,’ he said, trying to explain in a way that would make sense, hoping you would understand enough that he didn’t have to say it out loud. ‘Took me back to before. Couldn’t believe my eyes, felt like time travel. Would have spun me out ‘cept you were there.’

‘What did I do?’ you asked, surprised.

‘Don’t rightly know, but you did it,’ he said, simply.

‘In the schoolhouse, you felt like it was before? It felt too normal?’ you asked, and he nodded.

‘Too comfortable,’ he agreed.

‘Give it time, maybe?’ you suggested.

‘Just want her to do good here,’ he said, and you knew he meant Ellie, and that he was keeping you here at his kitchen table, telling you this, so that you would come back, so that you would keep trying for her. You didn’t know what he’d done to get her here, but you knew it must have been terrible because it couldn’t have been anything else, and now he was asking you to make it worth it, and you were surprised by how fervently you wanted to.

‘She will, and you will too,’ you said, and you realised you’d reached out and put your hand on his, and that his eyes had travelled to yours, and now you were gazing at each other, a little bit of shock on both of your faces at the electricity pumping out of your hand and into his skin, at the weight and the heat of it. Joel felt it travelling up his arm and into his chest, felt it start to cauterise a wound he hadn’t realised he was carrying. He cleared his throat, and you pulled back, sliding your hand to your chair and sitting on it lest it reached out to this man in front of you of its own accord again.

‘Didn’t mean to lay all that on ya,’ he said, feeling exposed, suddenly. Shy. You were too warm and too kind and too close in his kitchen. He’d just meant to thank you. Now he was stumblin’ over his words.

‘It’s OK,’ you said, feeling the shift in him, again, the way he was closing off. ‘But I better get going, I’m on the wall tomorrow.’

‘Yeah? You do that, too?’

‘I do, I like it. I feel like I’m helping, like I’m maybe keeping people safe.’ You were standing, gathering your books into your arms. Joel stood, too, his full height and his full breadth expanding into the air around you. ‘Never seen much, sometimes a clicker or two, one time thought it was a man coming up on all fours. Turned out to be a badger.’ Joel grinned, huffing out a quiet laugh.

‘They can be ferocious.’

‘Thank you!’ you exclaimed. ‘Everyone laughed at me, but you want a badger running around Jackson? No, you do not.’

Joel was laughing now, buoyed somewhat by your indignation. ‘No ma’am,’ he said, smiling warmly at you in a way that made your tummy flip.

‘You got the day off?’ you asked, and he nodded. ‘What’re you gonna do with your time?’

His smile faltered. He wasn’t entirely sure, if he was honest. You sensed his hesitation, kicking yourself for prying. ‘That’ll help,’ you said, ‘if you can get a hobby, find something you like, it’ll feel normal quicker. Doesn’t have to be for anyone but you, you already do enough.’

‘Used to like whittlin’, I guess,’ he said. ‘Been a while, probably cut my damn finger off.’

‘That sounds great,’ you replied. ‘Relaxing.’

Your arms were getting tired from the books, but you didn’t want to go just yet, not until he was feeling better, not until you’d managed to get the slightly haunted look off his face. He was nodding at you, but he still seemed unsure. ‘If you wanna, I could use some figurines for the classroom,’ you said, thinking wildly.

‘Oh yeah?’ he said, and you nodded your head.

‘Tried to teach them about the ocean last week. You know how hard it is to describe a whale to kids that haven’t seen anything bigger than whatever they can catch in the lake?’

Joel was smiling again, now, and you felt the warmth of it on your face. ‘No pressure, though,’ you raced to say, suddenly worried you’d accidentally given him another job.

He shook his head, dismissing your concerns. ‘Might need to start smaller than a whale,’ he said. ‘Seein’ as how I’d need a whole lot of wood.’

‘I’ll take whatever you can give me,’ you said. ‘Any sea creature you can. Just please, not a flower. I’ve heard enough about flower penises for a long while.’

He laughed, then, a big boisterous full-sized thing. It set your heart racing, pulled a smile onto your lips. You heard Ellie’s laughter in it, saw her smile as you sat on the back porch in the last light of the afternoon. You saw the wildflowers and the long grass in it, the shock of gold against a perfectly blue sky.

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[cepheustarot]

What awaits you in December?

Attention! This reading is for entertainment purposes only. This tarot reading does not give a 100% guarantee that all the described situations will occur or being ultimate truth. You build your own life and destiny and only you know yourself best.

Paid readings

Pick a pile. Choose one or more pictures. Trust your intuition.

Pile 1: Most likely, you still have things to do, plans and tasks that you want to   do or finish before the end of this year. At the beginning of the month you will be doing just that, these days will not be filled with rush, they will flow calmly, you will move at your usual pace. Some of the plans, by the way, you have been planning for a very long time and could not fulfill them in any way, so this month will be a great opportunity to finish what you started. 

The second event is associated with a person, primarily of the earthly zodiac sign (this is capricorn, virgo or taurus, but keep in mind that a person may have a completely different zodiac sign, but earthly character traits may be present in it), it may be your mother, sister, close friend, relative, etc. In general, this is a person with whom you had a misunderstanding, a quarrel and you could both worry about it. This month you will be able to find a common language with her, find a compromise and resume previous communication, so I can congratulate you, the conflict will be resolved! You will cope and resolve the situation. 

The third event is related to your emotional state, most likely at the end of the month you will get very tired of hard work and the hustle and bustle of the upcoming holidays, you can also burn out and stay in an apathetic state. To avoid this, it would be best to correctly allocate your forces and resources, perhaps you should abandon some plans or solve them next year. If you are still faced with this condition, then the main thing is not to put pressure on yourself, let yourself rest, exhale because of all the turmoil, simply gain strength and do what you did not have enough time for, give yourself something that brings you pleasure and good mood.

Pile 2: Firstly, this month will be a good opportunity for you to get rid of old things, things from the past, and anything can happen here: maybe you will sort out old things here, free up space in shelves and a closet, or you will stop communicating with people with whom you were uncomfortable or with whom interest has faded, you can find a new hobby or a new favorite place for yourself, in general, here the emphasis goes to something new for you. 

The next point is connected with your acquaintances, the circle of communication: if you have a project activity with someone now, then you will work hard and eventually you will succeed. This can also be attributed to business, perhaps you will successfully conclude a deal with someone! If this case not about you, then there is a chance that you will go on a trip with people close to you, you can just spend a lot of time actively together! 

The third event of this month is connected with those who have exams and final tests coming up: you will study hard for them and be very nervous, because for you all these exams are quite important. It may happen that the teacher will flood you with questions and it will be difficult for you to pass the exam or maybe you were preparing for one topic, but there was something completely different on the test, in general, be careful here and be confident in yourself and your knowledge! For those who work, this period may be filled with deadlines, you will need to do the work in a short time and it is clear that this will be stressful and very exhausting for you, you may have conflicts with colleagues or boss, which will further aggravate the condition. But, you will definitely cope with everything!

Pile 3: Most likely, there have been changes in your life recently, perhaps one of you is moving to another city or another country, changing your profession, place of work, surround by people, in general, you feel melancholy for the places where you grew up, where you spent most of your time and you will miss, nostalgic. But it can also mean that one of you, on the contrary, returns home to your native places and you feel a pleasant nostalgia, because you have been away from home for a long time. 

The second moment of the month will be that you will slowly get used to the new, to changes in your life, or vice versa, you are so unaccustomed to the old that you will get used to it again. It is clear that melancholic feelings will still be with you, but you will also find pleasant moments for yourself, there will be things that will please you, bring emotions. You can also suddenly change something in your appearance, like a haircut, hair color or a new style of clothing, you can start doing makeup differently or give up on it altogether, something like that. 

The third event of the month is associated with meeting a new person, thanks to whom your experiences can come to naught, he will support you, spend time with you, help you if necessary. But be careful, because there is a chance that he will be hypocrite and will want to get some benefit from you, so choose people carefully!

Thank you for reading! I will be glad of any feedback 🖤

[sturn-wrld]

🪼show me

pairing: matt x reader

summary: where reader shows matt how sorry she is

genre: angst + smut and some fluff at the end

warnings: SMUT don't read if that makes you uncomfortable!!!!

requested: yes - anon

a/n: i love this request so much but i'm scared I haven't done it justice.

masterlist

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you had always been the type to stress over everything. You had a paper due, stressed. you had to clean your house, stressed. you had to go to sleep, stressed. but you had never really let it interfere with your relationships and how you acted.

despite this, you had recently been more annoyed with everything including, your boyfriend. he was incredibly understanding when it came to your stress problems and would always help you through it but with upcoming yearly exams and a boat load of extra stress, your life was stress and you didn't know how to communicate this properly to one of the best people in your life.

"hey love" matt says walking into your front door.

"hi" you say in return with a more bleak tone

matt looked at you confused as you weren't in your normal cheerful mood that seemed to take over your body when he was around.

"what's up beautiful?"

"nothing" you mumble not wanting to explain yourself in fear you couldn't find the right words

"baby, i know there is something wrong but just know i'm here to talk when you're ready" he said leaning into you to cuddle with you but when you don't even look at him in response he realises there is something severely wrong as this is definitely not you.

"beautiful, i don't want to push you but are you sure there is nothing wrong because you're not your normal self right now and i can tell" your amazing boyfriend says staring into your eyes to try and decide what is happening through your eyes.

"if you don't want to push me how about you just shut the fuck up then and leave me alone" you say in a random moment of anger as you storm out of your living room leaving matt on the couch extremely confused.

as matt sits on the couch of your living room wondering where he went wrong in the conversation you sit in your room in tears knowing that you most likely just ruined the best thing you have ever had.

as you escape the grip of your depression hole of a room and make your way back to the living room to try and salvage what might have survived the shattering storm that you just ripped across your boyfriends heart and you try to glue the words together in your head to not fuck up worse.

"babe?" you question as you walk into the living room hoping that matt hadn't left yet.

"yes?" he questions bleakly looking up to you as you walked in.

"i'm so so sorry about what i said. i've been really stressed lately and i just haven't wanted to talk to anyone. i am really so sorry. how can i make it up to you?" you say as you sit next to him on your couch.

"oh baby, do you up want to show me how sorry you are?" he looks at you deeply with his beautiful blue eyes.

you look up from your lap where you had looked to see your boyfriends look of desire before looking to his lap to see his hard on against his pants.

"i would love to" you say returning with the same level of desire in your voice and getting onto your knees in front of him.

"oh yeah, show me how sorry you are"

and with that you undo his belt before yanking down his pants to see his hard cock pressing against his boxers. you start to feel him through his boxers as his hands reach your face and hair gently tugging every once and a while.

"come on baby stop teasing" was the last thing he said before you pulled down his boxers to reveal his massive dick right in front of your face.

you started by kitten licking the pre-cum from his tip before licking up and down the shaft. his hands were now intertwined fully in your hair. after licking up the shaft a few times you fully engulfed his dick in your mouth, receiving a low grunt from the sudden contact of your throat.

as you continued on bobbing and sucking you felt his dick twitch in your mouth signalling he was going to cum. but before you could taste his sweet and salty juices he pulled you up to his eye level.

"thank you baby come here." he says pulling you onto his lap.

as you sat on his lap he started kissing you passionately as you grind down on his lap.

"gorgeous i'm so impatient take of your clothes" his wish was your command.

you started stripping of your clothes at godly rates wanting nothing more than him inside of you.

once you had fully stripped he flipped you so now he was on top kissing kisses down you're neck and into the valley of your breasts taking the left one into his mouth. you moaned out at the feeling of this.

"you like that baby girl?"

you nodded in response.

he started to kiss you again slowly rubbing up and down your thighs before coming in contact with your clit in which you arched your back and moaned the most unholy moan possible.

"baby i need you so bad right now" you said as he continued

"ok baby" he said as he suddenly pushed his massive cock inside of you with a low groan.

"oh my fucking god matt that feels so good" you moaned out as he continued to stretch you out.

"i'm gonna move faster now baby" he said warning you before he pounded into at speeds you were unready for.

as he slammed into you, you started clawing at his back which caused him to go impossibly faster.

"i'm about to cum. keep going" you screamed before undoing all over his cock.

"that's my good girl" he said admiring your beautiful face as he helped you come down from your high.

"i'm so sorry again baby" you said laying next to him on the couch

"it's alright beautiful. i love you."

"love you too"