#low key i have so much trauma from when i had covid this year

[britneyshakespeare]

i wish i didn't get immovably anxious every time i even think about taking a covid test

[howtosingit]

I haven't had a chance to fully dive into all the goodies last nights video has produced.. nor have I had a chance to read all your thoughts which you know I crave love . I was dumb and watched 3 911 episodes last night ignoring my ig notification that ronen had shared anything so then I had to go to bed bc of work and work has been crqzy. But anyways I just wanted to hear some of your thoughts and say Tarlos officially fried my brain and I really want to write in the spare time I don't have bc of work 🙈🙊 their soft smiles, kisses, possibly meeting the fam, their date (and let's be honest Carlos was hot as fuck sauntering up to the bar announcing he was tks boyfriend... you know someone got laid that night) sorry not sorry 🙈

Anyways hit me with your thoughts when you're free if you want ❤

LISTEN, LAUREN. I am always up to share my thoughts because they never end and they just keep coming and I have to unleash them somehow or I will definitely explode.

My brain was just like, ALL CAPS SCREAMING, for about 7 hours yesterday, so I’ll leave you to explore that hot mess on my blog if you want. 😅 But, in the time since, I’ve seen a lot of discourse and stuff about the moments that we’ve seen, so I’m going to use this ask as an opportunity to weigh in on everything under the cut...

FIRST, CAN I JUST SAY that at the moment that I am writing this post, we are still trending at #5 and we’ve been in the 4-7 range for at least the past, like, IDK, 18-20 hours maybe?! I LOVE THIS FANDOM AND HOW WE LOSE OUR SHIT AT THE SMALLEST THINGS

Okay, so let me go through this thing and comment on the parts, and then give some general thoughts below:

LOVE that this is a promo entirely about the LGBTQIA+ characters and characters of color. Not exactly surprised that they still tried to put as much Rob Lowe in it as possible (that’s Fox/the writers’ M.O. it seems - to squeeze Rob/Owen in whether he fits or not). Some of his comments were a little awkward, I thought (referring to Paul’s trans storyline as “stuff” makes me go 😬), but whatever. He’s not the point of all of this, so that’s the last I’m going to talk about him.

TOMMY VEGA. I AM READY TO STAN. I love Gina Torres, I already love how much heart and soul she is giving just in these quick peeks, I cannot wait to see her in action!

Also let me use this moment to say that while it’s obvious I’m not getting my Grace + Carlos friendship (that’s fine if it stays in fandom, I’ll live), I’m SO GLAD that her and Tommy are gonna be friends! One promo mentioned that Judd has known Tommy before, so it would not surprise me if they’ve been friends for awhile. LOVE THAT.

SPECULATION: This gives me a good time to just throw out a theory that I’ve been thinking about... We know Owen and Gwen are hosting Tommy at their place for a backyard dinner. I assume her husband may be there as well, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Judd and Grace are there too. 

I ALSO would not be surprised if this is when one of the nights at Carlos’s place happens, like a parallel of the two dinner parties. That at least keeps every main character involved in both locations. We shall see though.

So this gathering at the firehouse seems like it’s going to be a pretty big scene, probably for episode 1. I think everyone’s gathered so that Owen can announce he’s in remission (we’ll hear him tell TK first, which is the hug that they share earlier in the trailer, I think). 

But this gathering also includes a Tommy/Grace moment, a Tarlos moment, the others doing other things kind of moments. It’ll serve the same purpose as a lot of the season 1 bar scenes, and I’m so glad they’ve moved those to the firehouse. I want that place to really start feeling like a home this year. 

(I want all of the locations to feel a little more grounded and special, if I’m being honest. Like, I’m SO GLAD that Carlos’s place is going to be a key location this season.)

There are now two instances of Carlos being next to Gwen (standing next to her while Owen makes an announcement and now sitting next to her at the table), so we better get some dialogue between them or I WILL BE SO UPSET. I WANT GWEN TO STAN CARLOS AS MUCH AS I DO.

EVERYONE IS SO CUTE IN THIS SCENE OKAY

TARLOS TARLOS TARLOS TARLOS

Like, WTF is TK’s face in this moment?! He looks so shy and bashful but also so happy and mushy and soft and in love. And then the way that Carlos softens because of how soft TK look?!?! WHAT IS GOING ON?!?! WHY AM I CRYING.

Seriously, I have to know what they’re talking about though to make TK fucking melt like that. 

Emergency stuff blah blah blah

TARLOS KISS TARLOS KISS TARLOS KISS TARLOS KISS

IT’S SO FUCKING CASUAL AND PERFECT AND NATURAL AND LITERALLY JUST LIKE A “I came over to grab this food from you but since I’m here I might as well grab a kiss because I can’t help myself”

AND LIKE... Carlos just leans right into it?!?!?!? like it’s something that they do all the time?!?!?! WTF I LOVE THEM

Mateo watches this kiss and kind of looks like he was talking to Carlos, TK, or both of them, so I love that they’re like in the middle of conversation but still like “wait let me kiss my bf because he’s close by and so hot and I love him” SCREAMING

ALSO LET ME BE THIRSTY BUT CARLOS’S SHOULDERS AND BACK?!?!?! TK’S FUCKING ARMS?!?! I’M SO DAMN GAY

Speaking of arms: this rando bartender at the wrestling match (so Covid doesn’t last long on Lone Star, I’m assuming like 2 episodes maybe?) -- I love that they tried to put him in a tight shirt and make him look like a possible threat or something and I’m just like 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

IT’S LIKE THEY’VE NEVER SEEN CARLOS REYES BEFORE

AND THEN THE FUCKING GREEK GOD HIMSELF SAUNTERS UP WEARING A TIGHT FUCKING POLO - CHEST OUT, ARMS JACKED, HANDS IN HIS POCKETS TO DRAW ATTENTION TO HIS DICK AND I’M JUST SCREAMING AT THIS POINT

BOYFRIEND 

BOYFRIEND

BOYFRIEND

But, like, seriously, there is no comparison. Carlos is fucking Hercules over here and this no-name wannabe boyband member could be a sand-colored rock for all I care. 

YOU CANNOT COMPETE WITH CARLOS REYES, DON’T EVEN TRY IT

I do feel like these two clips (the calendar line and then Carlos’s line) are spliced together but they might not be back-to-back, and I would love to see how TK responds to the flirting before Carlos comes over

HIS FACE IS KILLING ME THOUGH WHEN CARLOS COMES UP

BLESS RONEN

I feel like I *think* I know what he’s thinking, but I also feel like I don’t. Certainly, the scene seems to end with them both smiling and happy, but I wonder if there will be a conversation about jealousy or something?! IDK BUT THEY’RE DEFINITELY GONNA TALK. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.

Someone posted how happy TK is going to be to have a boyfriend who is committed enough to him to be jealous, unlike Alex who didn’t care and cheated on him. I certainly think this could be a great moment for them to establish what this new relationship means for them, and I’m excited to see what they writers have planned.

I JUST LOVE CARLOS REYES THOUGH OKAY I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

How many times is Fox gonna use that clip of him holding his gun though? We get it, he raises his gun. I’ve seen it like 7 times at this point. 

I’m not complaining, really. I’ll take his face where I can get it.

LOVING the Marjan clips

LOVING the Grace/Judd clips

LOVING the Paul clips

I LOVE ALL OF MY FAVES

CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THEM DEVELOP THIS YEAR

Hearing Rafa talk about using his voice and speaking for his community just slaughters my heart, I love this man so fucking much and I’m so happy to be discovering him at the start of his career because he is going to go on to do big things and make the world a better place with his positivity and light and love and I’m so excited to follow him on that journey I just love him okay

ALSO THE MAN LOOKS SO FUCKING GOOD WHAT ARE THOSE ARMS I WANT TO DIE

THE FARMER’S MARKET SCENE

Are they shopping for food for the dinner party they’re hosting?! Maybe!

WE MEET SOME OF CARLOS’S PEOPLE

There is so much speculation surrounding who these two people could be, and I’ve heard some super interesting theories about Carlos’s backstory.

I’m gonna be basic though and stick with the fact that I think they’re his parents.

AND IF THEY ARE HIS PARENTS, THEY SEEM SO HAPPY TO MEET TK.

His dad/the man, like, shakes TK’s hand with so much gusto, a giant smile on his face

And Carlos smiles as he hugs his mom/the woman, and she’s smiling too

THEY ALL JUST SEEM SO HAPPY

I CAN’T BELIEVE WE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE AVOIDING THE HOMOPHOBIC PARENTS STORYLINE COMPLETELY

Y’ALL DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THAT TRAUMA

I mean, I don’t know for sure, we’re going to have to wait for the episode. But god, do I hope for it with every fiber of my being. I want their trauma, if they have to have it, to be separate from their sexuality. They’ve done so well with TK so far, I want the same for Carlos. Let the story be fresh, let it be different, LET US HAVE DIVERSE GAY STORYLINES.

Y’ALL THE TEAM HANGING OUT AT CARLOS’S PLACE

I CANNOT

I’LL NEVER BE OVER IT

HE’S PART OF THE CREW. HE’S PART OF THE FAMILY.

IT’S EVERYTHING THAT I COULD EVER WANT FOR HIM OKAY

I’M SO FUCKING HAPPY

THEY ARE SO HAPPY

WE ARE ALL SO HAPPY

I’M CRYING

I’M DEAD

LOL that was a lot but so was this promo.

Now, some somewhat sobering thoughts...

We all know season 1 had a real diversity and inclusion problem, we’ve seen the numbers. We also know that during the promotion for season 1, we ALSO got a diversity promo focusing on the LGBTQIA+ characters and the characters of color. I love that Fox wants to highlight the incredibly talented actors and characters that they have, but all of it means nothing if they are still tokens on the show. 

I have full faith that season 2 will be better, that some of the justified anger and frustration made it back to the writers and they internalized it and then make some real changes. However, because we did get a diversity promo last year, I have to remain a little cautious. This promo doesn’t really mean anything and if, somehow, season 2 goes the way season 1 did, it will be another instance of Fox using the characters of color to draw people in without actually giving them screentime and development. Which is a HUGE PROBLEM. So... I’m very excited and very hopeful, but also slightly wary.

Similarly, I’ve seen people say that they’re worried that, while there is so much Tarlos in this promo, this might be all the Tarlos we get this season. I don’t share the same concern, but like the diversity issue, I understand where that comes from. There was a lot of Tarlos in season 1′s promos and, as we now know, they got screentime in episodes 1-3 and then virtually nothing until episode 10. 

I kind of lost track of the filming schedule, but I think before they went on the holiday/extended hiatus, they filmed the first 5-6 episodes? Maybe? And we know that we’re getting 14 total this season, which means it’s possible that they haven’t even filmed half of them. 

I think the footage that we got in this promo is from, like, 3 or 4 episodes max. Definitely episodes 1 and 2, maybe 4, possibly 5. The crossover is episode 3 and I am still expecting to barely see Carlos in it - I just think it’s going to be very fire heavy one, especially with the members of the 118 coming in to steal screentime. He could be in one scene, maybe? Idk, I’m just not expecting a lot from that episode. 

And sure, we could get a lot of Tarlos at the beginning and then nothing for a whole string of episodes, but that also just doesn’t seem possible with the way they’ve restructured the relationship dynamics. Like, it really does seem like Carlos is going to be a part of the family this year, so I think it will be easier to include him and harder to delete him entirely. (Please let him at least appear in every single episode, I don’t want to be so fucking angry like last year.)

Also, if all of these scenes stay in the episodes, we are getting AT LEAST 4 Tarlos conversations - the firehouse, the wrestling match, the farmer’s market, the flirting by the truck - and other scenes of them being in the same space as part of a group. I’m sure there will be even more that we’re just not seeing. I’m very optimistic for this season and for the Tarlos content, and I really don’t think we’ll see the front-loaded imbalance that we saw last season. I think when they get back to filming the later episodes, there will be a good amount of Tarlos content in those, too!

I will say, though, that I am worried we’ve just seen the only kiss that they’ll share in the first 5 or so episodes. I’m just so used to network TV placing a limit on gay kisses, and Idk how much that has really changed in recent years. I truly love this kiss, and I hope there are more, but I would not be surprised if we end the season having only gotten like 2-3. (PLEASE LET ME BE WRONG.)

ONLY TWO MORE WEEKS UNTIL WE FIND OUT FOR SURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jadelotusflower]

June 2021 Roundup

It's been a month of highs and lows. Every year my city holds a cabaret festival, and I've seen some truly amazing acts over the years - including Lea Salonga, Kristin Chenoweth, and Indina Menzel. This year's Artistic Director was the great Alan Cumming, and although due to covid he didn't quite get to curate the program he wanted to, the opening night Gala was still a highlight, as was Alan's DJ set at the pop-up Club Cumming afterwards, where there was much singing at the top of my lungs and dancing to pop anthems and theatre tunes. At one point Alan, dressed in a onesie and perched on the shoulders of a man wearing only sparkly short shorts, was carried around the dance floor while Circle of Life blared. Reader, I was delighted.

I was also able to see his solo show Alan Cumming Is Not Acting His Age, which was hilarious and damn, he can sing!

As for the low, I was meant to fly to Sydney for the weekend to see Hamilton, a trip I have been looking forward to for almost a year, but had to be cancelled because of a covid outbreak and border closures. The tickets have been rescheduled, but I'm still kind of bummed about it (while completely appreciating the need for covid safety, especially when our vaccine rollout has been completely botched by our incompetent, corrupt federal government)

Anyway.

Reading

The Hundred and One Dalmations (Dodie Smith) - With all the bewilderment over Disney's Cruella, I decided to revisit the original novel which I first read as a kid. It's funny, I had very vivid memories of this book, or rather thought I did, particularly the scene where Roger and Anita have dinner at Cruella's house that fixed in my young mind as utterly disturbing with all this devil imagery and the implication Cruella was literally some kind of demon, which must have been either a) my overactive imagination or b) an illustration, because it's not as clear as I thought it was. The strangeness is there (food with too much pepper, Cruella's inability to keep warm, the walls painted blood red) but not the explicit demon imagery I had remembered. There is a part later in the book recounting the history of Hell Hall and the rumors of Cruella's ancestor streaking out of the place conjuring blue lightening, but clearly child me was reading far more into the book than was on the page.

But I still wish they'd gone with this version of Cruella's backstory, because to me an aristocratic, ink-drinking, heat-obsessed, possibly-demon spawn, high camp villain is more interesting and rings far more true than plucky punk against the establishment.

Smith clearly had Facts About Dalmations to share, and she does really craft a wonderful animal-based story that the Disney animated film is largely faithful to. Key differences include: Roger's occupation (he doesn't have to pay tax because he wiped out government debt somehow?!?), Pongo's mate and the puppy's mother is called Missis, Perdita is another dalmation who acts as a kind of doggie wet nurse, Roger and Anita both have Nannies who come to live with them (Nanny Butler and Nanny Cook), Cruella is married to a furrier (who changed his last name to de Vil). Also odd, on her first description Cruella is described as having "dark skin" but later in the novel her "white face" is mentioned, so I'm chalking it up to 50's descriptors not having the same meanings they do today.

The Duke and I (Julia Quinn) - After being just whelmed by the tv series, I wasn't really planning on reading the books, but I saw this on the top picks shelf at the library and damn, the top picks shelf is irresistible. This is very much Daphne's book (and I had known each in the series dealt with the different sibling) so many of the characters and much of the plot of the show is absent, as are some of the more baffling elements of the show like the Diamond of the First Water nonsense, which I always thought was a strange character choice in that it stacks the deck for Daphne when her character arc is better served as somewhat of an underdog (in her third season, the kind of girl who is liked but not adored), and the Prince subplot which was always far too OTT even for soapy regency romance.

It's a breezy, fun read (that scene excepted), even if the misunderstandings are contrived and I'm never going to take "I'll never have kids because I hate my dad" as a credible romantic obstacle deserving of so much angst.

Faeries (Brian Froud and Alan Lee) - A lovingly detailed and illustrated compendium of Faerie and its inhabitants, drawing from a range of European (but primarily Celtic) folklore and mythology. Froud was a conceptual designer on The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth, and the link is clear in the art as well as the focus on faeries as mysterious but oftimes sinister beings, where human encounters with them rarely end well. Lee has illustrated several publications of Tolkien's novels, and was a lead concept artists for Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings and Hobbit trilogies, and there is a touch of Middle Earth here as well, or rather the common inspiration of the old world. A useful resource for my novel!

Watching

The Handmaid's Tale (season 4, episodes 4-8) SPOILERS - So when I last wrote about this show in the Roundup, I was complaining it wasn't going anywhere. Well, I'm happy to be wrong because they finally changed things up with June finally escaping to Canada. That part of the plot following the survivors and their trauma has always been far more compelling than Gilead, and so it was a welcome development even if I side-eye some of the choices (none of these characters is seeing an actual licensed therapist why?).

This show has always been difficult to watch given the subject matter, and that has not changed after the shift in power dynamics. I will give the show credit for showing a broad range of trauma responses, from Moira wanting to move on and not let it consume her, to June, a ball of rage and revenge on a downward spiral, to Emily, trying to follow Moira's path but being drawn to June's, to Luke, trying his best but utterly unequipped to deal with what is happening.

But it is very hard to watch June go down this path - raping her husband (I concede the show perhaps didn't intend for it to be rape, but that's what is on screen and framing it as just "taking away Luke's agency" doesn't change that), wishing death on Serena's unborn child, and orchestrating Fred's brutal murder by particulation, then holding her own daughter still covered in his blood and it getting smeared on Nicole's face (an unsubtle metaphor in a series full of unsubtle metaphors).

There are interesting questions being asked of the viewer, and the show (perhaps rightly) not giving any answers. I can certainly appreciate the catharsis of Fred getting what he deserves even if I personally find the manner of it horrifying, but where is the line between justice and revenge, is revenge the only option when justice is denied, when does a trauma release become cyclical violence/abuse - the show is, for now, letting the viewer decide.

Soul (dir. Pete Docter and Kemp Powers) - In a world full of remakes/reboots/sequels, Pixar is perhaps the lone segment under the Disney umbrella committed to original content. However, there does seem to be a Pixar formula at work directed to precision tugging the heart strings, and some of the film feels like well-trod ground. On the other hand, it's hard to criticise the risk of centering a kids film around the existential crisis of a middle aged man, even with the requisite cutesy elements (and of course, the uncomfortable pattern of yet another film where the black lead character spends a great deal of the runtime in non-human form - herein, an amorphous blob or a cat). But the animation is stunning, it successfully did tug my heart strings, and the design of the Great Before and the Jerrys is original and fun.

RuPaul's Drag Race Down Under - Drag Race is somewhat of a guilty pleasure for me, since I generally don't watch reality shows, and this is something I really enjoy even if I'm not invested in the fandom (which like many fandoms can be very yikes). This year it was time for the Australian/New Zealand (Aotearoa) queens to show their stuff, although it's been met with mixed reactions. Covid restrictions didn't allow for guest judges, relegating them to mere cameos via video calls, and its clear that Ru and Michelle really don't quite get all the cultural nuances - Aussie judge Rhys Nicholson was however always delightful. But it wouldn't be Australia without a racism scandal, with the great disappointment of the two queens of colour eliminated first, and one queen having done blackface in the recent past yet making it all the way to the top four.

In the end, the only viable and deserving winner was last Kiwi standing Kita Mean, and it was pure joy to see her get crowned. I do hope they fix the bugs and indeed do another season to better showcase AU/NZ talent.

Writing

A far more productive month - to try and get out of my writing funk I had a goal to try and write every day, even if it was only 100 words. While I didn't quite achieve a consecutive month, I did get a pretty good average, at least got something posted and two others nearly there.

The Lady of the Lake - 2441 words, Chapter 4 posted.

Against the Dying of the Light - 2745 words

Turn Your Face to the Sun - 1752 words.

Here I Go Again - 1144 words

Total words this month: 8082

Total words this year: 35,551

[pro-bee]

RE: tony/ziva headcanons (I know these have been subject matters of a bajilliion fics since ziva came back but I don't care that they've been written about before because i am who i am!!!!) - How their first date goes (now that they have a child and are officially together - the first time they wake up together after ziva comes back - the first time after ziva comes back that they acknowledge and label it. This sounded better in my head so i hope this makes sense!!!! Thank you! AAAAAAAA

Mikey, always coming in for the feels!

lol, some of this is stuff I considered for my fic that won’t end, it’s like you read my mind haha.

Oh man, their first official date? This is so weird. When I started writing my fic in, like, January (or was it even December?), I was thinking about this, and then Covid hit and I was like, “nah, there is no Covid in my Tiva world,” but the longer this goes on, the more I forget what it’s like to actually go out and do things, and that people can experience that, lol.

I may have touched upon this a little in my fic 👀but I feel like their first official date, as a couple, by themselves, with no kid, is probably something low-key. Both because, you know, there’s still a lot of unresolved trauma that they (especially Ziva) have to deal with, and they’re probably taking baby steps, and also... like, yes, they’re the weirdos who have an instant family, but never officially dated, so like, they kind of skipped over that dating phase? Tony’s a sentimental guy, but they kind of jumped over the bringing-a-candlelit-dinner-to-work phase of their relationship. 

Which is not to say that he wouldn’t want to make some grand gesture sometimes... But when it comes to their first one-on-one time post-In The Wind, I feel like it would be something simple like going to a café together after dropping Tali off at school (lmao spoiler alert for my fic?), trying to navigate this “them” while still being them. It’s weird, because yes, their relationship is different now, but at the same time... they really aren’t. In my head, they’ve figured out that the thing that makes them work isn’t the big pressure of the romantic relationship, but the base of their friendship is what informs everything else. Trying to put pressure on it is what gets them into trouble; when they are themselves, that’s when they’re at their best. 

So, in my head, they spent the first few weeks when Ziva got home connecting as a family, just because a) they had a five year old to deal with b) as much as Ziva loves Tony, I’m sure her primal maternal instincts were zeroed in on Tali and trying to reconnect with her and c) it was the holidays, so they had that on the back burner and kind of as a buffer to take the pressure off the reconnecting bit. It was when Tali had to go back to school and things went back to “normal” that they kind of had to start thinking about these things. 

(So, the tl;dr: they went out for brunch at a café like two grown-ups, then raced home when they realized they had the apartment to themselves for the first time lmao.)

I feel like the first night Ziva came home, there was probably this, like, slightly nervous, mostly excited air in their home, and then when Tali finally went to bed, there was a moment of awkwardness like “lol so here we are? finally?” but then they reconnected and were like “I’m glad it’s over” and fell into their usual pattern. I still feel like something major happened in Cairo (besides the obvious) that they had some sort of outburst initially because they were both like WHAT THE FUCK??? for different reasons, but then they put their cards on the table and Tony was like “ok, from now on, we’re a blank slate, and our only concern is ending this thing so we can get back together, got it?” 

Just the confidence Ziva had in her feelings for Tony and his for her -- even before she left the show, we knew Ziva had low self-esteem when it came to her personal relationships, and probably anxiety already too, so if they hadn’t sorted that out, hadn’t explicitly stated their intentions, I don’t think Ziva would have been so assured about going back to Tony. Like, we saw her express her doubts about herself as a partner to Gibbs, but that was about her own demons; it was never, “I don’t know if Tony will still want me after all this.” It was more, “How am I going to be able to be there for him on the days where I feel like this?” She never doubted her position in his life or hers in his, it was more, how do I navigate my mental illness so that I can be fully present in my family’s life?

SO, that sidebar is just to say, that I see their first night together as slightly awkward, just because this is the first time they’ve been together where their lives aren’t threatened since before Tali, and again, they did the family thing before they did the couple thing for any real length of time. (Like, they were a couple for five minutes before Ziva went to Israel to visit, and then they ended up getting separated for years...) But like, not awkward-awkward, if that makes sense, just like, “lol how dumb are we right now?” awkward. But then Tony says some corny line, and she laughs, and they fall back into their habits. And then some, lol. And that is the first time either of them sleep peacefully in like six years. And then when they wake up they’re all gross and happy and shit.

WOW THIS IS WAY TOO LONG I BLAME YOU MIKEY

[for-your-therapeutic-smile]

They Never Teach You How to Stop

Rarely do I lack the words to express myself. Perhaps this reflects my failure to maintain my journal consistently throughout 2020. Here goes an honest attempt to capture and document my mental state and the fatigue of Covid, the inertia of this shelter-in-place, the anxiety of this political crisis we face as a nation, the pressure of being a 1L in law school against the backdrop of civil unrest and Justice Ginsburg’s death, coming out - my dad told me he was disappointed -, the possible erosion of my relationship with someone I love, and this feeling of absolute dread and resentment for a system that continuously fails my and future generations (robbing us of a social contract that promised life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness), among many other things I’m too tired to consider. When did we accept a $0 baseline as the American Dream? Oh, to be debt free - free from this punishment for having pursued an education. Stifling the educated to prevent them (myself included) from organizing and mobilizing the masses so we can supplant this system with a better one is the overall objective of the oppressive class (read: Pedagogy of the Oppressed); it’s the conflict between the bourgeois and the proletariat. The proletariat has swallowed the middle class, leaving only the ruling class. I am essentially on autopilot, forcing myself to go through the motions so I can survive another day. I know others join me in this mental gymnastics of unparalleled proportions, one social scientists and medical researchers will soon study and subsequently publish their findings in an attempt to explain the unexplainable. Despite a lack of air circulation, we are breathing history; the constitution, like our societal norms, must adapt accordingly. Judge Barrett: there is no place for originalism. While I seldom admit weakness or an inability to manage life’s curveballs, this series of unfortunate events seems almost too much to bear. 

And yet somehow I continue to find the energy to submit assignments due at 11:59 p.m., write this post at 1:38 a.m., “sleep”, wake at 7 a.m. so I can read and prepare (last minute!) the assigned material leading into my torts or contracts class. I find the energy to text my boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend) so I can attempt to salvage the real and genuine connection we have, cook elaborate meals to find some solace, wrestle with whether or not to hit my yoga mat (I don’t), apply to a fellowship for the school year and summer internships, prepare my dual citizenship paperwork, manage a campaign for two progressive politicians, and listen to music in an attempt to stay sane . . . ~*Queues John Mayer’s “War of My Life” and “Stop This Train”*~ . . . I realize I have to be kinder to myself, give credit where credit is due. I hate feeling self-congratulatory though.

Mostly, I am too afraid of the repercussions if I stop moving at a mile/minute, that I can just work away the pain and be the superhuman who numbs himself from the low-grade depression and nervous breakdown. My body tells me to slow down, as evidenced by the grinding of my teeth, but I take on more responsibility because people rely on me. I must show up. I am a masochist in that way. This is what I signed up for and I’ll be damned if I don’t carry through on my promise to do the work. Pieces of my soul scattered about like Horcruxes, though they’re pure, not evil, so I hope nobody resolves to destroy them. 

My mind rarely rests. It’s 3:08 a.m., one of the lonelier hours where night meets morning; it’s the hour for and of intense introspection. It makes you consider pulling an all-nighter, one you reserve for an “important” school or work deadline. We always put our personal lives on the back-burner. 3 a.m. sets the tone for a potentially awful day. But that doesn’t matter right now. I’m letting some of my favorite albums play in the background: Joni Mitchell’s Blue, Mac Miller’s Circles, Rhye’s Blood, Alicia Keys’ ALICIA, Coldplay’s Ghost Stories, Frank Ocean’s Blonde, Miley Cyrus’ Dead Petz in addition to other playlists, Tiny Desk performances, and tracks (I unearthed last week, like When It’s Over by Sugar Ray). I need to feel something. I need to feel anything. I need to feel everything. We experience such a broad spectrum of emotions throughout the day that we lose track of if we don’t pause to absorb them. Music reinforces empathy; it releases dopamine.

I spent the past two hours reading through old journals and posts, as scattered as they were, on a wide range of topics: poems I had written about falling in and out love, anecdotes about my world travels, and entries on personal, political, and professional epiphanies. The other night I found one of my favorites, a previous post from my time living in Indonesia, centering on the dualities of technology. It resonated with me more than the others. To summarize, I wrote about my tendency to equate the Internet with a sense of interconnectedness (shoutout to Tumblr for being my digital journal; to Twitter for being a place of comedy and revolution; to Instagram for curating my *aesthetic*; to Facebook where I track my family’s accomplishments and connect with travel buddies displaced around the globe all searching for a home). And yet I feel incredibly lonely and disconnected whenever I spend too much time using technology, so much so that I set screen time limitations on my phone recently to curtail this obsession with constant communication and information gathering. Trump and Biden admitted that it’s unlikely we’ll know the results of the election on November 3rd during their first presidential debate. Push notifications don’t allow us to learn of trauma within the comforts of our own homes. I’m already fearing where I will be when that news breaks. 

This global pandemic and indefinite shutdown of the world (economy) undeniably exacerbates these feelings. This is some personal and collective turmoil. But I was complicit in the endless scrolling and swiping of faces and places long before Covid-19. Instead of choosing to interact with my direct environment (today’s research links this behavior to the same levels of depression one feels when they play slot machines), I am still an active on all these platforms, participating the least in the most tangible one: my physical life. I am tired of pretending. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of embodying fake energy to exist in systems that fail me. I am tired of the quagmire. Like Anaïs Nin, I must be a mermaid [because] I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living. This particular excerpt from that 2016 entry was difficult for me to read: “The fantasy of what could have been if a certain plan had unfolded will haunt you forever if you do not come to peace with the reality of the situation. I hope you come to terms with reality.” I am not at peace with my current reality. But is anyone?

It’s a bit surreal for my peers to have suddenly started caring about international relations theory. It’s transported me back to my 2012 IR lecture at Northeastern: are you a constructivist or a feminist? Realist or liberalist? Neo? Marxist? The one no one wants you to talk about. Absent upward mobility, this is class warfare. But I cannot be “a singular expression of myself . . . there are too many parts, too many spaces, too many manifestations, too many lines, too many curves, too many troubles, too many journeys, too many mountains, too many rivers” . . . It feels like America’s wake-up call. But I know people will retreat into the comforts of capitalism if Biden wins and, well, we all enter uncharted waters together if the Electoral College re-elects #45. For those who weren’t paying attention: the world is multipolar and we are not the hegemon. Norms matter. People tend to be self-interested and shortsighted. Look to the past in order to understand the future. History, as the old adage goes, repeats itself. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Taxation without representation. Indoctrination. Welcome to the language of political discourse. Students of IR and polisci have long awaited your participation. Too little too late? Plot twist: it’s a lifelong commitment. You must continue to engage irrespective of the election outcome or else we will regress just as quickly as we progress. Now dive into international human rights treaties (International Covenant on Civil & Political Rights; International Covenant on Economic, Social, and Cultural Rights), political refugees, FGM. No one said it wasn’t dismal. But it’s important. We need buy-in.  

While I am grateful for the continuation of my education, for this extended time with family, for this opportunity to be a campaign manager for two local progressive candidates (driving to Boston to pick up revised yard signs as proof that the work never stops), it would be remiss of me, however, not to admit that I am lonely: I am buried in my books, in the depressing news both nationally and globally, and in precedent-setting Supreme Court cases (sometimes for the worst, e.g. against the preservation of our environment). In my nonexistent free time I work on political asylum cases, essentially creating an enforceability framework of international law, for people fleeing country conditions so unthinkable (the irony of that work when my country falls greater into authoritarianism and oligarchy is not lost on me). I am fulfilling my dream of becoming a human rights lawyer which stems back to middle school. I saw Things I Imagined (thank you Solange). I have held an original copy of the Declaration of Independence that we sent to the House of Lords in 1778 and the Human Rights Act of 1998 while visiting the U.K. Parliamentary Archives as an intern for a Member of Parliament. This success terrifies and exhausts me; it also oxygenizes and saves me. Every decision, every sacrifice, has led me to this point. 

“It’s the choosing that’s important, isn’t it?,” Lois Lowry of The Giver rhetorically asks. This post is not intended to be woe is me! I am fortunate to be in this position, to have this vantage point at such an early age, and I understand the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. My life has purpose. I am committed to the work that transcends boundaries; it is larger than life itself. It provides a unique perspective. But it makes it difficult to coexist with people so preoccupied in the drama they create in their lives and the general shallowness of the world we live. It feels like there is no option to pump the brakes on any of this work, especially in light of our current climate, and that pressure oftentimes feels insurmountable. Time is of the essence. It feels, whether true or not, that hardly anyone relates to my experience, so if I don’t carve out this time to write about it, then I am neither recording nor processing it. 

Tonight, in between preparing tomorrow’s coursework, I realize that I have an unprecedented number of questions about life, which startles me because typically I have the answers or at least have a goal in mind that launches me into the next phase of life or contextualizes the current one. These goals, often rooted in this capitalistic framework, in this falsity of “needing” to advance my career as a means of helping people, distract me from asking myself the existential questions, the reasons for why we live and what we fundamentally want our systems to look like; they have distracted me from real grassroots community organizing until now. They distract me from the fact that, like John Mayer, I don’t know which walls to smash; similarly, I don’t know which train to board. Right now feels like we are living through impossible and hopeless times and I don’t want to placate myself into thinking otherwise despite my relatively optimistic outlook on life. As we face catastrophic circumstances – the consequences of this election and climate change (famine, refugees, lack of resources) – I do not want to live in perpetual sadness. I am searching for clarity and direction so I can step into a better, fuller version of myself. 

It’s now 3:33 a.m. Here is the list of questions that I have often asked myself in different stages of life, but recently, until now, I have not been willing to confront for fear that I might not be able to answers them. But I owe it to myself to pose them here so I can have the overdue conversation, the one I know leads me to better understanding myself:

Are you happy? Why or why not?

What do you want the future to hold? What groundwork are you going to do to ensure it happens?

What does your ideal day/week/month/year/decade look like? Why?

With whom do you want to spend your days? Why?

Who do you love and care about? Have you told people you care about that you love them? Does love and vulnerability scare you?

What do you expect of people – of yourself, of your partner, of your family, and of your friends? Should you have those expectations? Why or why not?

What do you feel and why?

What relaxes you? What scares you? What brings you joy?

What do you want to improve? Why?

What do you want to forgive yourself for and why?

Does the desire to reinvent yourself diminish your ability to be present?

Do you have a greater fear of failure or success? Why?

How do you escape the confines of this broken system? How do you break from the guilt of participation in it and having benefited from it?

How do we reconcile our daily lives with the fact that we’re living through an extinction event? This one comes from my friend (hi Jeanne) and a podcast she listened to recently.

How do you help people? How do you help yourself? Are you pouring from an empty cup?

How will you find joy in your everyday responsibilities, in the mission you have chosen for yourself? What, if any, will be the warning signs to walk away from this work, in part or in its entirety? Without being a martyr, do you believe in dying for the cause?

So here are some of the lessons I have learned during this quarantine/past year:

“I’ve Got Dreams to Remember,” so do not take your eyes off them. Chasing paper does not bring you happiness.

Be autonomous, particularly in your professional life.

Focus on values instead of accolades.

Do everything with intention and honest energy.

Listen to Tracy Chapman’s “Crossroads” & Talkin’ Bout a Revolution for an energy boost and reminder that other revolutionaries have shared and continue to share your fervent passion . . . “I’m trying to protect what I keep inside, all the reasons why I live my life” . . . When self-doubt nearly cripples you and you yearn a few minutes to run away when in reality you can’t escape your responsibilities, go for a drive and queue up “Fast Car” . . . “I got no plans, I ain’t going nowhere, so take your fast car and keep on driving.”

With that said, take every opportunity to travel (you can take the work with you if absolutely necessary). Go to Italy. Buy the concert ticket and lose yourself in the moment. Remember that solo excursions are equally as important as collective ones. But, from personal experience, you prefer the company. Find the balance.

Detach from the numbers people keep trying to assign to measure your personhood.

Closely examine the people in your inner circle and ask them for help when you need it.

“And life is just too short to keep playing the game . . . because if you really want somebody [or something], you’ll figure it out later, or else you will just spend the rest of the night with a BlackBerry on your chest hoping it goes *vibration, vibration*” (John Mayer’s Edge of Desire) . . . so love fiercely and unapologetically.

Be specific.

Go to therapy even when life is good.

[fullregalia]

20/20.

This year, in hindsight, was a real write-off. I had grand plans for it, and while I ushered it in in a very low-key manner since I was recovering from the flu, I’d expected things to look up. Well, you know what they say about plans (RIP, my trip to Europe). I got very, very sick in early February, and I’m not entirely sure it wasn’t COVID. Since March, the days have been a carousel of monotony: coffee, run, work, cook, yoga, existential spiral, sleep. My Own Private Year of Rest and Relaxation, if you will. Of course, life has a way of breaking through regardless; I attended protests, completed my thesis, graduated from grad school, took a couple of road trips upstate, and celebrated the accomplishments and birthdays of friends and family from a safe social distance. It was all a bit of a blur, and not ideal circumstances to re-enter the real world, or whatever this COVID-present is. 

Throughout it all, in lieu of happy hours, coffee dates, and panel discussions, I’ve turned even more to culture and cuisine to fill the the negative space on my calendar where my social life once resided. However, since a global pandemic ought not to disrupt every tradition, here’s my year-end round up of what made this terrible one slightly more tolerable. 

TV

After an ascetic fall semester abstaining from TV in 2019 (save for my beloved Succession), I allowed myself to watch more as the year wore on, and especially after graduation. I caught up on some cultural blind spots by finally getting around to The Sopranos, Ramy, Search Party, and Girlfriends. I wasn’t alone in bingeing Sopranos, it absolutely lived up to the hype and then some; this Jersey Girl can’t get enough gabagool-adjacent content, pizzeria culture is my culture!

Speaking of my culture, there was also a disproportionate amount of UK and European shows in my queue. Nothing like being in social isolation and watching the horny Irish teens in Normal People brood. I’m partial to it because I share a surname with the showrunner, so I have to embrace blind loyalty even though there was, in my opinion, a Marianne problem in the casting. Speaking of charming Irish characters with limited emotional vocabularies, I belatedly discovered This Way Up a 2019 show from Aisling Bea and Sharon Horgan. And while Connell and Marianne are actually exceptional students, I found the real normal people on GBBO to bring me a bit more joy. Baking was abundantly therapeutic for me this year, and watching charming people drink loads of tea and fret over soggy bottoms was a comfort. I also discovered the Great Pottery Throw Down, and as a lifelong ceramics enthusiast, I cannot recommend it highly enough if you care about things like slips, coils, and glazing techniques. GPTD embraces wabi sabi in a way that GBBO eschews flaws in favor of perfection, and in a time of uncertainty, the former reminded me why I miss getting my hands in the mud as a coping mechanism (hence all the baking). Speaking of coping mechanisms, like everybody else with two eyes and an HBO password, I loved Michaela Cole’s I May Destroy You; though we’ve all had enough distress this year for a lifetime, watching Cole’s Arabella process her assault and search for meaning, justice, and closure was a compelling portrait of grief and purpose in the aftermath of trauma. Arabella’s creative and patient friends Kwame and Terry steal the show throughout, as they deal with their own setbacks and emotional turmoil. Where I May Destroy You provides catharsis, Ted Lasso presents British eccentricity in all its stereotypical glory. At first I was skeptical of the show’s hype on Twitter, but once I gave in it charmed me, if only for Roy Kent’s emotional trajectory and extolling the restorative powers of shortbread. For a more accurate depiction of life in London, Steve McQueen’s series Small Axe provides a visually lush and politically clear-eyed depiction of the lives of British West Indians in the 60s, 70s, and 80s. Lastly, how could I get through a recap of my year in tv if I don’t mention The Crown. Normal People may have needed an intimacy coordinator, but the number of Barbours at Balmoral was the real phonographic content for me.

Turning my attention across the Channel, after the trainwreck that was Emily in Paris, I started watching a proper French show, Call My Agent! It’s truly delightful, and unlike the binge-worthy format of "ambient shows” I have been really relishing taking an hour each week to watch CMA, subtitles, cigarettes, and all.

Honorable mention: The Last Dance for its in-depth look at many notable former Chicago residents; High Fidelity for reminding me of the years in college when my brother and I would drive around listening to Beta Band; and Big Mouth.

Music

My Spotify wrapped this year was a bit odd. I don‘t think “Chromatica II into 911″ is technically a song, so it revealed other things about my listening habits this year, which turned out to remain very much stuck in the last, sonically. I listened to a lot more podcasts than new music this year, but there were some records that found their way into heavy rotation. While I listened to a lot of classics both old and new to write my thesis (Paul Simon, Leonard Cohen, Prokofiev, and Bach) the soundtrack to my coursework, runs, walks, and editing was more contemporary. Standouts include: 

Saint Cloud by Waxahatchee, which makes me feel like I’m breathing fresh air even when I’m stuck inside all day 

La Bella Vita by Niia, which was there for me when I walked past my ex on 7th avenue (twice!) and he pretended that I didn’t exist 

Fetch the Bolt Cutters by THEE Fiona Apple, because Fiona, our social distancing queen, has always been my Talmud, her songs shimmering, evolving, and living with me every year 

Shore by Fleet Foxes, for the long drive to the Catskills 

Women in Music, Pt. III by HAIM, because these days, these days...

Musicians have been reckoning with tumult this year as much as the rest of us, and the industry has dealt with loss on all fronts. I’d be remiss not to talk about how the passing of John Prine brought his music into my life, and McCoy Tyner, who has been a companion through good and bad over the years. 

Honorable mention to: græ by Moses Sumney; The Main Thing by Real Estate; on the tender spot of every calloused moment by Ambrose Akinmusire; Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers; folklore by you know who; and songs by Adrianne Lenker. 

Reading

What would this overlong blob be without a list of the best things I read this year? While I left publishing temporarily, books, the news, and newsletters still took up a majority of my attention (duh and/or doomscrolling by any other name). I can’t be comprehensive, and frankly, there are already great roundups of the best longform this year out there, so this is mostly books and praising random writers. 

Last year I wrote about peak newsletter. Apparently, my prediction was a bit premature as this year saw an even bigger Substack Boom. But two new newsletters in particular have delighted me: Aminatou Sow’s Crème de la Crème and Hunter Harris’ Hung Up (her ”this one line” series is true force of chaotic good on Blue Ivy’s internet). Relatedly, Sow and Ann Friedman’s Big Friendship was gifted to me by a dear friend and another bff and I are going to read it in tandem next week. 

On the “Barack Obama published a 700+ page memoir, crippling the printing industry’s supply chains” front, grad school severely hamstrung my ability to read for pleasure, but I managed to get through almost 30 books this year, some old (Master and Margarita), most new-ish (Say Nothing, Nickel Boys). Four 2020 books in particular enthralled me:

Uncanny Valley: Anna Wiener’s memoir has been buzzed about since n+1 published her essay of the same name in 2016. Her ability to see, clear-eyed, the industry for both its foibles and allure captured that era when the excess and solipsism of the Valley seemed more of a cultural quirk than the harbinger of societal schism.  

Transcendent Kingdom: Yaa Gyasi’s novel about faith, family, loss, and--naturally--grad school was deeply empathetic, relatable, and moving. I think this was my favorite book of the year. Following the life of a Ghanaian family that settles in Alabama, it captured the kind of emotional ennui that comes from having one foot in the belief of childhood and one foot in the bewilderment that comes from losing faith in the aftermath of tragedy.  

Vanishing Half: Similarly to Transcendent Kingdom, Brit Bennett’s novel about siblings who are separated; it’s also about the ways that colorism can be internalized and the ways chosen family can (and cannot) replace your real kin. It was a compassionate story that captured the pain of abuse and abandonment in two pages in a way that Hanya Yanagihara couldn’t do in 720.

Dessert Person: Ok, so this is a cookbook, but it’s a good read, and the recipes are approachable and delicious. After all the BA Test Kitchen chaos this summer, it’s nice we didn’t have to cancel Claire. Make the thrice baked rye cookies!!!! You will thank me later.

Honorable mention goes to: Leave The World Behind for hitting the Severance/Station Eleven dystopian apocalypse novel sweet spot; Exciting Times for reminding me why I liked Sally Rooney; and Summer by Ali Smith, which wasn’t the strongest of the seasonal quartet, but was a series I enjoyed for two years.  

Podcasts

I’m saving my most enthusiastic section for last: ever since 2018, I’ve been listening to an embarrassing amount of podcasts. Moving into a studio apartment will do that to you, as will grad school, add a pandemic to that equation and there’s a lot of time to fill with what has sort of become white noise to me (or, in one case, nice white parents noise). In addition to the shows that I’ve written about before (Still Processing, Popcast, Who? Weekly, and Why is This Happening?), these are the shows I started listening to this year that fueled my parasocial fire:

You’re Wrong About: If you like history, hate patriarchy, and are a millennial, you’ll love Sarah Marshall and Michael Hobbes’ deep dives into the most notable stories of the past few decades (think Enron and Princess Diana) and also some other cultural flashpoints that briefly but memorably shaped the national discourse (think Terri Schiavo, Elian González, and the Duke Lacrosse rape case).

Home Cooking: This mini series started (and ended) during the pandemic. As someone who stress baked her way through the past nine months, Samin Nosrat and Hrishikesh Hirway’s show is filled with warmth, banter, and useful advice. Home Cooking has been a reassuring companion in the kitchen, and even though it will be a time capsule once we’re all vaccinated and close talking again, it’s still worth a listen for tips and inspiration while we’re hunkered down for the time being. 

How Long Gone: I don’t really know how to explain this other than saying that media twitter broke my brain and enjoying Chris Black and Jason Stewart’s ridiculous banter is the price I pay for it.

Blank Check: Blank Check is like the GBBO of podcasts--Griffin Newman and David Sims’ enthusiasm for and encyclopedic knowledge of film, combined with their hilarious guests and inevitable cultural tangents is always a welcome distraction. Exploring a different film from a director’s oeuvre each week over the course of months, the podcast delves into careers and creative decisions with the passion of completists who want to honor the filmmaking process even when the finished products end up falling short. The Nancy Meyers and Norah Ephron series were favorites because I’d seen most of the movies, but I also have been enjoying the Robert Zemeckis episodes they’re doing right now. The possibility of Soderbergh comes up often (The Big Picture just did a nice episode about/with him), and I’d love to hear them talk about his movies or Spike Lee (or, obviously, Martin Scorsese).      

Odds & Ends

If you’re still reading this, you’re a real one, so let’s get into the fun stuff. This was a horrible way to start a new decade, but at least we ended our long national nightmare. We got an excellent dumb twitter meme. I obviously made banana bread, got into home made nut butters, and baked an obscene amount of granola as I try to manifest a future where I own a Subaru Outback. Amanda Mull answered every question I had about Why [Insert Quarantine Trend] Happens. My brother started an organization that is working to eliminate food insecurity in LA. Discovering the Down Dog app allowed me to stay moderately sane, despite busting both of my knees in separate stupid falls on the criminally messed up sidewalks and streets of Philadelphia. I can’t stop burning these candles. Jim Carrey confused us all. We have a Jewish Second Gentleman! Grub Street Diets continued to spark joy. Dolly Parton remains America’s Sweetheart (and possible vaccine savior). And, last, but certainly not least: no one still knows how to pronounce X Æ A-12 Boucher-Musk.

[donnnoir]

Off-Book Nukes in the Time of Corona...

With events unfolding in covert realities under cover of COVID-19, I am forced to discuss other events from more than two decades ago, I had hoped it would be unnecessary for a few more years.  When I first got out of Federal Prison and was still on Probation back in 1999.  I was contacted by some associates in Pakistan.  They were attempting to broker several nuclear warheads.  These warheads were Soviet in origin.  A loose story of how at the end of the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan.  The withdrawal was rather much a chaotic and lawless affair, nothing orderly about it.  The illegal sale of everything imaginable was occurring on the black market.  Apparently one of the Heroin Warlords in Northern Afghanistan purchased several of these warheads.  I was lead to believe that between three and five warheads were available for purchase.  The warheads were stored deep in some caves/mines within the precincts controlled by the Warlord.  The seller did not have the arming or detonation codes to activate them. These associates with whom I was speaking offered to send detailed pictures.  I respectfully declined (there are only two topics or subjects that in covert operations have pre-approved authorization for any government agent or agent of the government to electively use extreme prejudice; one of those is matters involving nukes).  However, in my discussions with these associates regarding marketability, I frankly informed them that there were only two powers at the time that would be interested and possessed both the financial where with all and clot to make a cash purchase and effectively transport the warheads.  Because the moment those warheads left those caves they would show up on NORAD’s satellite monitoring systems as such.  So I advised and encouraged these associates to attempt brokering the deal directly with the United States.  They said they would let me know how things went.   Well a couple of years later the events of 9-11 happen.  Along with our military response, which campaign was titled Operation Enduring Freedom (to victims of government sponsored trauma based conditioning; they hear Operation Ending your Freedom.  I mention it as a side note.).  With our invasion of Afghanistan, and the various localized military operations to subdue the Taliban.  Quitly there was a very low-key operation called Anaconda whose mission was never properly stated, but which targeted the immediate area were these warheads had been stored.

Possession of these basically off-book nuclear warheads eventually fell to elements of our Shadow Government.  As this administration attempts to take down the Bush-Clinton-Obama Cabal.  There seems to be growing concern that these warheads may be detonated.  After all it has been almost twenty years since their initial recovery.  More than enough time to have either repackaged them or cracked their arming and detonation codes.  In my recent experiences in Southern California I encountered several oddities that could only be explained if they were associated with or parts of systems dedicated to highly radioactive material.  These systems were all below ground.  Yes, what I am implying is highly speculative as to possibilities on how this unfolds.  Nonetheless it is postulated on events that have already occurred.

My hopes and prays go with those loyal patriots serving in the branch of Army and those others loyal to Our Constitution and Our Commander and Chief. By the Grace of G-d we may get through these coming events without substantial loss of life.  G-dspeed...

[jeremystrele]

Singer-Songwriter-Survivor Ngaiire On Motherhood, Music + Building From The Rubble

Singer-Songwriter-Survivor Ngaiire On Motherhood, Music + Building From The Rubble

Family

Ashe Davenport

Singer-songwriter Ngaiire her three-year-old son, Dovey. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Ngaiire really embraced the concept of self-care during the pandemic. ‘I pretty much live and breathe my work. But then COVID hit, and I started to see the value of creating little nooks around the house, to read in and be still,’ she says. This corner is one of them. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Ngaiire’s mum (who lives with them in their house on the Central Coast!) made Ngaiire and Dovey’s INCREDIBLE matching outfits from Spotlight fabrics. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

During a period of intense trauma and turbulence in Ngaiire’s adolescence, she found solace in her mum’s CD collection, which featured Mariah Carey, Bob Marley and Alicia Keys. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

‘Every day I worry, “Am I doing too much work and (giving) too much energy for my music and not enough with him?” The balancing can be agonising!’ says Ngaiire. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Ngaiire is a design and architecture obsessive! Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

‘I never imagined that, despite how traumatic my birthing story was, the miracle of becoming a mother literally plugged me into a creative life source I never knew I could access. (It) felt like a tap had been turned on, and the parameters of my creativity broadened. The irony of having your motivation to create triple (while) having your energy levels completely diminished at the same time can feel like a cruel joke!’ Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Up until recently, Dovey’s favourite song was the Harry Styles banger ‘Adore You’. Now, it’s ‘Boogie Wonderland’ by Earth, Wind & Fire. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Ummmmm, how beautiful is the fam’s Central Coast pad?! Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

‘The times Dovey has seen me sing he gets very still, which is great, because he’s never that still unless he’s asleep! It’s like he understands something special is happening,’ says Ngaiire. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Ngaiire and Dovey’s lockdown activity was planting seedlings. Dovey’s now seen a full year of crops grow! Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Like mother, like son! Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Life has tried to pull Ngaiire under on multiple occasions. At three-years-old she was diagnosed with cancer of her adrenal glands. She’s spoken about the friends she made on the oncology ward, and sung for the ones she lost. At age 12, in her homeland of Papua New Guinea, Ngaiire survived a volcanic eruption that covered her house in ash and separated her from her mother for several months. 

‘Aren’t you supposed to be dead?’ 

The question was asked by her nephew in a dream that would become the basis for her song ‘Once’ (track two on her hit 2016 album Blastoma). In the music video, Ngaiire travels through the carriages of a moving train, each one representing a chapter of her life. In some she’s being pulled at, stripped, hospital-gowned. In others she is fluid, in charge and perfectly synchronised. 

She’s risen from the ashes again and again, caped in fuchsia and gold.

This is an edited and condensed version of our conversation, which wasn’t so much about where she’s been, but where she is now, safe in the home she built from the rubble.

Can you please tell me everything about this outfit? 

When I found out Nadav and I would be doing this shoot, I died. I’m a lowkey hard out nerd for design and architecture. I’ll sadly admit that Design Files is probably one of my top 3 most visited IGs daily. I’m OBSESSED. 

When I got the news, I immediately sketched up two outfits for Nadav and I, went to Spotlight to get some fabric, then commissioned my mother (who is currently living with us) to sew them. Mum’s been [making my clothes] for decades, so it wasn’t our first rodeo. It helped that she’d already set up a mini sewing factory downstairs for our little toddler clothing label, Dovey Nero, which we’ve been slowly building and taking our time testing the market with. What Dovey is wearing is a little taste of what we’re currently working on. 

What’s it like sharing so much of your story in your music? 

Being a singer, my whole instrument is very much connected to how I’m feeling and what might’ve happened to me that morning or that week. When you’re working in an office, you’re expected to leave your personal issues at the door. But when it comes to music, it’s about finding that balance, and utilising your emotional backlog to tell a story. The wonder of songwriting is that your story becomes someone else’s anchor, or road map, to joy, relief or even salvation. 

How do you manage all of that emotional expense? Are you drained AF?

I don’t know how I manage it. It can be really taxing, especially being a mama. I have a three-year-old, which can be a lot, both physically and emotionally. Every day I worry, am I doing too much work and (giving) too much energy for my music and not enough with him? The balancing can be agonising! 

How do you get out of the working parent guilt loop? Is there something you do that’s just yours? 

I pretty much live and breathe my work. But then COVID hit, and I started to see the value of creating little nooks around the house, to read in and be still. It takes me forever to get through a book these days, but if I can just steal 5-10 minutes, read some literature, even just look out the window at the bush we live behind. The concept of self-care is something I’ve definitely come to understand more during the pandemic. 

How does the parenting load get divided in your house? 

My husband’s carrying a lot of the load right now. He’s a designer by trade and his workload varies. It’s amazing that it’s worked out the way it has, with me having such a big work year ahead. He’s doing most of the parenting while I release this album.

In terms of what daycare days look like, I mean, we always swear to wake up earlier to drop Nadav and start our work days, but it’s really hard sometimes. Especially if he wakes up a few times at night and you just want to doze that little bit longer! 

How does motherhood compare to your expectations of it?

It met ZERO of my expectations! In fact it surpassed any idea I possibly had of how hard, but also how rewarding and life-altering it would be. It elevated the respect I had for myself as someone who was (able) to bring life into the world.

Being a sickly child, my chances of getting pregnant were considered low. I never imagined that despite how traumatic my birthing story was, the miracle of becoming a mother literally plugged me into a creative life source I never knew I could access. (It) felt like a tap had been turned on, and the parameters of my creativity broadened.

The irony of having your motivation to create triple (while) having your energy levels completely diminished at the same time can feel like a cruel joke!

How does Nadav respond to your music? 

Singing is a deeply spiritual thing for me. It connects me to something that not a lot of people have access to, and we as artists kind of become the conduits for that for our audience.

The times Dovey has seen me sing he gets very still, which is great, because he’s never that still unless he’s asleep! It’s like he understands something special is happening.  I have no idea what he’s taking in, but based on what I get from music, I can only assume he’s taking on a multitude of information. Maybe on some level he’s understanding how the world works. How to relate to people, and how deep that connection can be. 

What messages do you hope a grown up Nadav will take from your songs?

I want him to grow up feeling like he can do anything he wants to do in this life, whether it’s music or something else completely opposite. I hope he always stays in touch with that reverence for music and that he knows that he is very privileged to be able to ingest it in a way that not a lot of kids are afforded. I hope he also still feels like I’m around for him through my songs even when I’ve passed on. And that I did the best I could despite my challenges so he (could) too. 

Did you find that deeper level through music or did you already know about it and that’s what led you to music? 

Before I’d hit 12 or 13, I’d been through so many huge life traumas. I had cancer, and my family lost their property and all their belongings to a major volcanic eruption. We were living in the bush, separated from my Mum for a fair while. She was looking for us frantically, but couldn’t contact us because everything was down, the phone lines, everything. She reached us through emergency announcements over AM radio, which a relative luckily caught (wind) of. The organisation she’d been working for chartered a plane, which landed in a nearby clearing and zipped us out of there to the mainland. Shortly after that, my mother found herself in an abusive second marriage, which was pretty traumatising for us, but 100% more so for her.

At that point in my life, I found solace in Mum’s CD collection. I’d listen to Mariah Carey on repeat, memorising every word from inside the cassette cover, and anything else (from) Bob Marley to Deep Forest (laughs). When we moved to Australia, I took up music at school. I sang ‘Fallin’ by Alicia Keys in front of the school assembly, (which) was a big moment. From that point, I understood I had something that affected people a certain way, beyond the noises that came out of my mouth. I knew I had to continue chasing music.

What can we expect from your upcoming album? What does it represent for you?

It’s an actual journey, not in a cliché way, but in that every song on it serves as an integral part of the sonic trajectory. You appreciate each song more if you hear them in context of the whole body of work, and I think that’s the beauty of what Jack Grace (my co-producer) and I are good at doing as a team – making music that breathes as a complete organism as it does individually. 

The album represents a whole life cycle for me. I started the album off the back of touring the last one (Blastoma) – before I got hitched and before I got knocked up (laughs). It was an attempt to present my Papua New Guinean heritage in a new light, so that I could feel more understood within my industry – something I never fully felt. Little did I know that the whole process, 4 years on, would propel me through a maze of re-discovery of who I really am and who I want to be. I care less about what people think a Papua New Guinean woman should be within an western context now then when I first started this project, because that’s everyone else’s problem. This record has become a celebratory affair of my love for PNG, people and myself. And at the end of the day, that’s what motivates people to make the decisions (throughout) their lives. 

FAMILY FAVOURITES

Favourite cafe?

Like Minds in Avoca

Weekend away?

It hadn’t really been a thing for us. We used to have accidental getaways through my work. So before COVID hit, we’d all get to hang out interstate if I had shows. Now we bush walk in places like Maitland Bay or the Pink Caves up the coast.

Rainy day activity?

We raised a lot of seedlings during lockdown to plant in the garden. Dovey got really good at planting seeds inside, where it’s prime seedling growing heat. He’s seen a full year of crops already, which is pretty cool.

Most played song?

Until recently it was Harry Styles, ‘Adore You’. Dovey requested it ALL. THE. TIME. But now it’s moved to ‘Boogie Wonderland’ by Earth, Wind & Fire.

Sunday morning ritual?

Not so much Sundays. Fridays are really our thing, when we do Shabbat. It’s the moment we get to bookend the week together, unplug, drink some wine, eat. Dovey helps to bake the challah. He’s getting pretty good at plaiting it!

New music by Ngaiire is coming in May. Her current tour dates are: May 28th at Corner Hotel in Melbourne; June 5th at The Zo in Brisbane; and June 12th at Factory Theatre in Sydney. Tickets can be booked here.

[expatimes]

Ntombesintu Mfunzi: A South African athlete’s fight against rape

The hilly and winding trail routes near Mhlakulo village in Eastern Cape, South Africa are challenging for even the most elite runners.

In some parts, reaching the summit requires crawling up the rugged gravel paths on tiptoe.

Ntombesintu Mfunzi, a 39-year-old ultramarathon runner, is one of the top female runners in the country and she lives and trains in this expansive region.

Mfunzi grew up in Ntsimbakazi – a village about 130km (80 miles) from Mhlakulo – where local races are rare.

In 2013, she was invited to compete in the Mirtha Payisa Run for Diabetes. She won the half-marathon and successfully defended her title in 2015 after the 2014 event was cancelled.

But it was in 2016, when she returned with a hat-trick of titles in sight, that her life changed.

The night before the race, Mfunzi was lured into a bush, beaten with a hammer and brutally raped. The rapist threatened to kill her but left her lying in the bushes.

Mfunzi eventually managed to get help, was admitted to hospital and reported the incident to the police.

“To say I was terrified would be putting it mildly,” Mfunzi describes the traumatic experience in vivid detail in her memoir Yoyisa (Overcome).

“My knees went weak and I buckled, falling face down right in front of him. My terrified state did nothing to him, for he brought the hammer down on my back as though he was putting a nail into a cement wall. The pain was excruciating.”

Lying in a hospital bed, she decided she would still compete the next day.

“I said to myself, ‘I’m not going to let the devil win again. I’m going to do what I came here for, which is running’,” she told Al Jazeera.

The following morning, as Mfunzi crossed the finish line ahead of the pack, she collapsed in front of the crowd chanting her name.

Four days later, the community in Mhlakulo found the rapist who is now serving 22 years in prison.

Now, she is using her story to raise awareness of gender-based violence (GBV) and help other rape survivors overcome their trauma while also advocating for systemic change through her work as a human resources officer at a prison in Port Elizabeth.

“From that day in November, my life changed completely,” she said. “I was supposed to die. But maybe God wanted me to save other survivors, to inspire them to fight.”

When Mfunzi reported her rape to the police in 2016, she says they acted swiftly in taking her statement, gathering evidence and transporting her to the hospital for tests

‘Onslaught’

Mfunzi’s story is among many in a country with some of the highest rates of gender-based violence (GBV) and femicide in the world.

According to the most recent data from the South African Police Service (SAPS), 2,695 women were murdered in 2019-20, indicating a woman is murdered every three hours.

In the previous period, the femicide rate was 15.2 per 100,000 women – five times the global average.

South Africa also has the highest rate of rape in the world with 132.4 incidents per 100,000 people.

Reported sexual offences, including rape, have been on the rise annually since 2016, when the number was 49,660. Last year, more than 53,000 sexual assaults were reported to police, but women’s rights groups say the actual number is likely to be much higher.

“These are issues that we are constantly facing,” said Claudia Lopes, a women’s rights activist and programme manager at the human rights foundation, Heinrich Boell, in Cape Town.

“It feels like we’re dealing with the same onslaught, and as civil society organisations and activists, we get frustrated.”

In May 2020, following a wave of renewed protests demanding government action, President Cyril Ramaphosa approved the long-awaited National Strategic Plan on Gender Based Violence and Femicide (NSP GBVF), implemented to address accountability, prevention, protection, response, economic empowerment and research.

Nearly 21 billion rand ($1.36bn) was allocated over three years to support the plan.

However, last month, President Ramaphosa revealed “national resources” were urgently diverted “to fight the COVID-19 pandemic”, as he announced a two-year 128 million rand ($873,000) private-sector fund to provide additional finances to implement the national plan.

Mfunzi said more needs to be done to ensure women feel safe reporting rape, including prioritising rape cases in courts and providing sensitivity training for police officers conducting investigations

The move came amid mounting pressure from activists and civil society organisations, and a sharp increase in violence against women during the nine-week national lockdown imposed last March.

The government says the fund will assist in various initiatives aimed at supporting victims and survivors, strengthening the justice system, raising awareness and creating economic empowerment opportunities for women.

But some activists said the establishment of the fund was rushed and that a lack of consultation with civil society left them in the dark about how the money would be spent.

Lopes said that while the funding itself is good news, the lack of clarity raises questions about transparency and accountability, as well as concerns about the diversion of government funding away from existing services, such as shelters for victims of crime and violence.

“What’s important is knowing how these funds are managed,” said Lopes.

“My fear is that with austerity measures, the private sector fund will be used as an excuse by government to reduce the money to NGOs that render services,” she said.

Other activists have pointed out the minimal information in the government’s 2021 budget about addressing GBV.

Is South Africa doing enough?

In South Africa, accurate and up-to-date statistics on rape are difficult to produce, in part due to high costs and low reporting.

Studies show that those who report incidents to the police experience re-trauma, victim blaming, threats, incompetence and delays in handling their cases.

According to a 2017 report by the South African Medical Research Council – the most recent study of its kind – arrests were made in 57 percent of reported rape cases and only 8.6 percent of cases concluded with a guilty verdict.

When Mfunzi reported her rape to the police in 2016, she says they acted swiftly in taking her statement, gathering evidence and transporting her to the hospital for tests.

While her rapist was arrested within four days, delays in the system meant it took another two years before he was convicted and sentenced.

Mfunzi says she was given a number of reasons why her court dates were repeatedly postponed, including renovations at the court, a shortage of judges and non-availability of lawyers.

“I’m really thankful for their work, but I feel like the justice system relaxed after the rapist was arrested,” she said. “The closure was so important to me … this postponement was really killing me.”

I feel like the justice system relaxed after the rapist was arrested

Mfunzi said more needs to be done to ensure women feel safe reporting rape, including prioritising rape cases in courts and providing sensitivity training for police officers conducting investigations.

“That is why people are not reporting cases … they are scared of it dragging for years.”

Speaking at a public dialogue event aimed at improving access to justice for GBV survivors in August 2020, Police Minister Bheki Cele said GBV remained a priority for the SAPS.

He said progress was being made in resourcing specialised GBV units within the police service and providing officers with sensitivity training.

But following his announcement of the latest crime statistics on February 19, which showed a rise in rape and sexual offences, Cele acknowledged there were policing gaps, particularly in handling GBV cases.

“I do concede that we will have to … put our house in order,” he said.

In its annual reports dating back to 2005, the National Prosecuting Authority, which operates under the Department of Justice and Constitutional Development to prosecute criminal cases, has identified that staff shortages, inadequate budgets and reputational damage have undermined its effectiveness in fighting corruption and GBV.

The government has identified “broadening access to justice for survivors” as a key intervention in its NSP GBVF and has committed in its 2021 state budget to increase the number of rape care facilities from 58 to 61 and designate 99 additional courts as sexual offences courts.

#IChooseToBeAVictorNotAVictim

For Mfunzi, being a victor is also about championing other survivors.

In September last year, she hosted a march to raise awareness of GBV and is a speaker for the 16 Days of Activism campaign.

I’m proud of my colleagues #StAlbansCorrectionalServices, yesterday we had a walked in St Albans surroundings to raise awareness against Gender based Violence #IChooseToBeAVictorNotAVictim #StopKillingUs #IsayRapeIsMurder pic.twitter.com/B1nl1w84i7

— Mfunzi Ntombesintu (@ntombesm) September 24, 2020

She also posts messages of encouragement using the hashtag, #IChooseToBeAVictorNotAVictim.

Mfunzi said many survivors have contacted her to share their stories. Others express their gratitude on social media.

“We’ve never met but it feels like we’ve been friends forever … today I’m doing a dedication run especially for you,” one woman told Mfunzi on Facebook.

“Thank you for this … so encouraged by your strength!” tweeted another.

She said these interactions inspired her to pursue a degree in psychology and work as a counsellor.

Mfunzi still finds strength and healing from running.

A top-10 finisher at the Two Oceans Marathon in Cape Town in 2018, she was training to make the top-five this year before the race was cancelled due to the coronavirus.

Despite this disappointment, she continues to run twice a day in the Eastern Cape.

Mfunzi has not returned to Mhlakulo village since the incident in 2016. But she says she wants to go back one day.

“I would love to go there as the new person that I am. As painful as my journey has been, I’m grateful for the woman I became.”

Read full article: https://expatimes.com/?p=19036&feed_id=37545

[brokenhayatim]

exhale

idk how long this is gonna be but it goes a little something like this. you ever been so afraid of failing that you just procrastinate and avoid for so long? each day you tell yourself you’ll finally suck it up and push through but the fear and anxiety are almost so paralyzing you don’t even wanna go near the task.

i’s just been months..like maybe even five at this rate. i tell myself to start the clock the day i graduated but i know the truth. the last year-ish was my idkwhatimdoingwithmylifeohmygod era and i just thought i passed it with a bit more advice and options. but it’s like it was all almost pretty bubbles and they just popped so long ago that i’m lost and confused and afraid and nervous and all of that is so ridiculous, it embarrasses me. i’m not really that lazy but i say it to try and explain alot, i think. or i say that i’m just relaxing or something, when i know everyday my thoughts are always on this same thing and never being good enough to get through the rut. it wasnt till i was on a walk, voice memo-ing a friend and the anxiety just peeked through a bit and i was hearing my own thoughts aloud like ....thats true? and i’m told to not be afraid and to just let whatever happens happen if it’s best for me and i know that but i also dont?

everyday i constantly think about deleting every single social media app i’m on bc i feel this heavy weight of uselessness and incompetence. why couldn’t i have learned things like this person or been more out there like that person?what’s wrong with me? and i begin to rationalize it with my childhood and how i was raised and it never is fulfilling. it’s constantly not enough, nothing about me is. i’m not creative at all and what i can do, so many can do better and so why would anyone actually pick me? even the things and issues i’m passionate about, what do i really know? even my knowledge seems so below average and it’s confusing and stressful. i feel like if someone asked me a question about anything right now that i’ve just forgotten everything important and couldn’t even articulate a proper response. and i wanted to be an activist??? since i have to interview for jobs online now bc the pandemic it’s made me so nervous. i feel most in my element during in person interviews and i say that as someone that’s also awkward and nervous in the room. but i’m more anxious of the constant string of rejections i know i’m gonna receive now bc i can barely speak english and there’s nothing special about me at all. at least in person, i can smile and make it less weird. and i connect so much better that way, which loosens me up .000009% more. it’s really babyish i guess bc everyone is adjusting and i’m just not. and i thought i was with everything but i guess i really wasnt. and coming home everytime makes me fall back into this person i dont like ad i get so sluggish (my sister says its the trauma) and i dont know bc one day she’s waking up in florida and being a good semi productive human and the next she’s back in new york and its many low days and nerves. honestly the way this house sucks the life out of me, i dont even think i’d be good at any remote job. it’s kinda the reason half my brain is pushing the dead part bc i want to leave. be more self-sufficient and alone again. but where and how, you know? obvs im gonna need a job for that. it’s just this domino effect and i’m scared to push the first one and it’s annoying and i hate it goddaammit.  the moment i came home, i just have always felt unworthy and other to my family. like they don;t care, like they’re not proud, like i’ve done nothing these past years and that’s my fault for not being an open book like the rest.

i’m gonna have to edit this bc i will not remember 87 months worth of pandemic thoughts into this post right now but. i tell myself i came home and decided to take a break for a bit, or focused on my health and appointments, but really..i dont know. i think i say it to justify all these hollow days of disappointment, which it never does. i’m afraid to ask for help or even a nice job recommendation from my last employer bc all i can think about is that it’s been months and what have i been doing this whole time? and i think they’ll ask that or think ??? now ??? and i get in my head. i know its not illogical and the worst anyone can say is no and yada yada but ugh this is why i hate my mind and just overthinking ... or not thinking?? who knows. i’m constantly letting myself down but .., i dont want anyone to know that. does that make sense. maybe i have this need to be superficial and make my life seem so nice and good and right bc i never see myself as that and i worry of people’s opinions and crave affirmations. 

the first appt i had coming home was my neurosurgeon one and my dad and him sort of just had this rushed timeline in their heads of how i would go into the ER one day soon and bam its done. i didnt wanna think about that so i tried to focus on my job stuff .. then got stressed so i just started scheduling the appointments i needed. then stopped and did more work stuff. then the secretary called me like ???? u havent done these exams yet and i was like yeah uhhh. bc when i do them it’s one step closer to doing the surgery and i know i want the surgery i’m just getting in my head again and don’t want it to be now. my sister told me to make sure i let her know when i choose a date and i was like mhm i wanna finish the job stuff and get my life sorted first and she was just ???? what ?? this is clearly more important. but here’s the kicker. i went on a walk the other day and just cried coming to terms with it all bc honestly i still dream of not making it out alive and a part of me thinks, at least if i did this one thing right and found a job and all that, that it would okay what happens next. like at least i was successful in that one thing. i think about how unworthy and unproud i am of myself and for months now, just felt like this would be a beautifully cowardice way out. and i think about the after, and cant even imagine strong devastation and sorrow. is that strange? like i expect everyone to just go on. bc i’m a simple buffer with no real purpose left. i walk and think about dreams and hopes and what i would miss and just one thing that make me call this entire fantasy completely insane and i just draw blank. so i cry because, of course. this fantasy isn’t new either, since last year i’ve been speaking to my therapist and writing about it. we would speak of suicide and i always respond like that’s a huge no bc of my religion but i say, i think about if something went wrong and that was it, how i want it to be like that. take the pressure, take the blame, take it all off me in a way. and some days i’m scared that i’ll wake up in the hospital bed after and be in pain and coddled and annoyed by the attention i’m only getting bc of that pain. and i dont want you to be here just because of the pain but i feel like you’re here only because of that. that you came, that you’re seeing me, that you care only because of it. so what am i without it? just back to nothing? the headaches were lonely but i feel less lonely with this diagnosis, like i have something good about me, worthy about me. something that makes me important to someone, even if it’s the neurologist that wants my money. to be real, i dont even think i care about the pain leaving as much as the fact that i can’t label myself as this person with chronic pain. like even if i was cured and oo lala all better, a part of me would still want to have this neuro condition. like ?? i was thinking: imagine beating cancer and feeling better but wanting to say .. and then realized the key difference. with that you survive, you are survivor. even if it’s gone that who you are. when this leaves me, i’m nothing and i’ll just go back to being nothing. no one says u survived brain surgery or survived a brain condition. it’s just done and forgotten. there’s nothing exciting about my life other than my mri visits i swear. i decided to do the surgery bc it would be stupid of me not to, and i’m still holding back, still unsure of even a set month. i just know i didnt want to follow covid rules of 1 visitor bc i know it would be one of my parents and i would jump out the window myself. but covid isnt rlly going away so is that the best excuse i have? i havent thought past these appointments and its almost like im doing it all for the wrong reasons, like enjoying it rather than wanting it to help me. i dont know.

unrelated but a song that always makes me cry and is actually the song i was listening to when i had that panic attack on the plane: finally by james arthur around 2:30. always brings out the hollowness in me hm.

**** i’m coming back to this but i got all my plaguing thoughts outish so

[aion-rsa]

How Wynonna Earp is Busting the Moonlighting Curse

https://ift.tt/34Sx2cQ

The following contains spoilers for Wynonna Earp season 4.

While we wait for Wynonna Earp to return from its COVID-instigated midseason hiatus, it seems like the perfect time to dig into one of the show’s most complicated and rich topics: The layered relationship between Wynonna Earp and Doc Holliday, and the ways in which the show has committed to telling a love story that goes beyond whether a particular pairing will get together in the end.

Far too many TV series – genre or otherwise – waste far too much screen time delaying the organic progression of their two leads’ romantic relationship. As a result, from pilot to series finale, the redundant “will they/won’t they” relationship question dominates a significant portion of the plot, as marquee couples are inevitably pulled together and pushed apart by circumstance, and the story spins its wheels, afraid to let the would-be couple take “the next step,” usually right up until the series’ final set of episodes.

This happens so often that there’s even a name for it – it’s known as the Moonlighting Curse. The name references the (honestly, incredibly incorrect) assumption that the 1980s comedy-drama Moonlighting suddenly became both boring and bad because it finally paired off its will they/won’t they leads, played by Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd after years of mining the sexual tension between the pair. 

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Though the true culprit was actually bad writing, the show’s subsequent collapse in terms of both ratings and quality was ultimately blamed by many network higher-ups on the decision to finally pay off the series’ love story well before the end of the show (the characters consummated their relationship at the end of Season 3, and the series ran for two more seasons). And in the many years since, something of a cottage industry of shows has sprung up that seem to exist solely to string along the fans who invest in romance, creating an endless stream of obstacles for their marquee pairings centered around the questions of whether they will “get together” yet afraid to fully confront the idea of what writing a real, complicated relationship might look like. 

Thankfully, Wynonna Earp has never been the sort of show that’s afraid of anything.

Read more

TV

When Will Wynonna Earp Season 4 Return?

By Kayti Burt

TV

Wynonna Earp Season 4 Belongs to Nicole Haught

By Delia Harrington

In the world of this series, the question of whether Wynonna and Doc love one another isn’t really even worth asking anymore. It’s just a simple fact. Through fights and betrayals, trips to hell, the Garden of Eden, and back again, one of the only true constants of Wynonna Earp has been that, no matter what, Doc and Wynonna are in love. 

Even when one – or both – of them was romantically involved (or at least sleeping with) other people for whatever reason, their epic attachment was always bubbling in the background. Everyone in Purgatory knows what this pair means to one another, even when both have done their best to avoid the reality. Granted, neither of them is a particularly easy person to be in a relationship with, which is perhaps why they keep failing to truly get together in a lasting, healthy way despite the complete obviousness of their feelings for one another. And man is it fun to watch, proof that the “will they/won’t they” narrative structure isn’t the only or even best way to tell a love story.

Yes, the two often appear chronically incapable of even really admitting – let alone realistically talking about – their feelings for one another. But Wynonna Earp smartly doesn’t pretend those emotions don’t exist, or that they’re not driving the behavior of both characters. Instead, the show allows their relationship to become a primary driving force of the plot. The fact of their love for one another is not only taken as read, it’s used as a tool by which to further explore who they both are as individuals, in a way that will ultimately allow them to be better both for and with one another. 

Both Wynonna and Doc are deeply broken people, who’ve suffered unimaginable loss and pain in their lives. Mutually riddled with trust issues, neither seems to believe they will ever find anything as normal as peace, or that they’re worthy of those they care about most. This low-key self-loathing leads both to make selfish decisions and bad choices, the kind that generally end up hurting themselves more often than they end up helping anyone else.

Because of this, Wynonna tries to drive Doc away, convinced that she doesn’t deserve real love. For his part, Doc behaves recklessly, attempting to prove he’s the monster he’s always feared becoming. (Even allowing himself to be turned into a literal monster at one point.) They argue, they make choices the other doesn’t agree with, they purposefully hurt one another when they’re angry, and they push each other away. 

Yet, at no point is any of this behavior meant to make viewers wonder about the reality of their feelings for one another or whether they’ll ultimately be together or not. (No television show is ever going to abandon a couple with this kind of sexual chemistry, and we all know it.) Instead, the issues in their romance are meant to illuminate the things that Wynonna and Doc struggle with individually, and every step they each take toward figuring themselves out is also presented as a step (back) toward one another.

If that’s not incredibly romantic, I’m not sure what is.

Often, the duo have what once again feels like cosmically unfortunate timing – we’re talking like John-and-Aeryn-on-Farscape levels of bad – in which neither of them can seem to get on the same page at the same time. Season 4 is the most heartrending example of this, as their fragile reconnection is shattered when Wynonna decides to shoot Holt Clanton in the back rather than trust the tenuous peace Doc negotiates between their families.

But – again, also like the central love story of Farscape – Wynonna Earp doesn’t act as though these issues are insurmountable, or a potential death knell for the pair fans love. In fact, despite the difficulties the two are sure to face next season, it feels equally obvious that they’ll still find their way back together and work things out in the end. But only once they deal with some of their own issues first. Because I mean, let’s be real, if Doc literally becoming a vampire didn’t faze these two for longer than a handful of episodes, this isn’t likely to do so either. 

Yet, the latest rift between the two still makes for supremely compelling television – not because it overtly threatens their love, but because it stems from interior character issues that have nothing to do with their relationship and that can’t be healed by a romance. Whether these two want to be together isn’t the issue here – they clearly do – it’s whether they can be right now in light of the choices they’ve both made that have nothing to do with their feelings for each other. 

Wynonna’s reasons for deciding to kill Holt are understandable – if perhaps decidedly unheroic – as is Doc’s conviction that her choice is not only cowardly but will surely escalate the same blood feud that he himself now regrets starting back in Tombstone. But despite the fact that the midseason finale ends with both characters moving away from one another, physically and emotionally speaking, both are still on similar narrative journeys, questioning who they are if their previously established identities as the Earp heir and the fastest gunslinger in the West no longer apply. 

Wynonna and Doc’s relationship has taken something of a backseat in Season 4 thus far, allowing Wynonna Earp to center WayHaught’s story and explore Nicole’s lingering trauma from the eighteen months in which she had to survive in Purgatory on her own. But the pairing still feels as necessary and relevant to the story the show is telling as they ever have been. And, despite their current situation, it seems more obvious than ever that their paths will ultimately not only lead back to one another but to better versions of them both. This isn’t a will they/won’t they question so much as a matter of how and when.

Wyndoc is the grand and (thus far) tragic love story of the Ghost River Triangle, a star-crossed pair who share a child, a complicated family entanglement going back hundreds of years, and a love of continual self-sacrifice in the name of others. (And also, they hunt demons!) But Wynonna Earp isn’t content to simply throw up unnecessary narrative obstacles in their path for the sake of dragging out a happily ever after. Instead, the show acknowledges Doc and Wynonna’s obvious feelings, while simultaneously asking why they can apparently do anything together but figure out how to love one another the way they both deserve. 

This sort of romantic introspection – and acknowledgment that love really doesn’t instantly conquer all – is an important and often ignored part of a couple’s story, and can be just as compelling as the will they/won’t they dance that many other pairings before Wyndoc have been forced to engage in. It takes work – on yourself and on your relationship – to build something that really lasts, and Wynonna Earp’s decision to show us that that can be something really ugly and uncomfortable is as important as the happily ever after part we fantasize about. Wynonna and Doc will absolutely find their way back together again – but this time they’ll be stronger for it when they do.

The post How Wynonna Earp is Busting the Moonlighting Curse appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3nQEVbl

[gneissmica]

Ok, so, I almost never post anymore, barely spend time on Tumblr at all actually, but I'm SO EXCITED and I don't really have anyone I get to just babble happily to right now but it needs to escape somewhere so, screaming into the void it is.

My husband and I have been together for almost a decade, married 6 years. Nonmonogamous in theory but not often in practice, because we had a kid right after getting married and between work and parenting didn't have enough energy left over for each other, let alone anyone else.

When we finally started getting back into the swing of things, it was rough. Had to relearn the communication skills necessary for polyamory, and because I have trauma from a prior abusive relationship it was difficult. I have a habit of being overly cautious of other people's emotions, and afraid of causing them to have negative emotions.

Little over a year ago I had a fling with a friend of ours. My husband got jealous, and asked if I'd be willing to slow things down while he got the hang of processing his jealousy. I agreed (easy enough, it was a long-distance thing with someone I briefly got to visit on vacation. so really it would have slowed down anyways). But with the distance, it fizzled, and I didn't have anyone nearby that I was interested in. Part of the issue, I thought, was that the person I had the fling with was a mutual friend. I also, through this time, am kinda low-key crushing on another friend from half the country away, but I don't pursue it.

Months pass, covid hits. We move nearer our friends - 3 hours drive away instead of a 6 hour plane ride. I'm still crushing on that friend, still not pursuing it, nervous about how to bring up the subject, to reaffirm that we're still polyam, to discuss boundaries and expectations. So I don't bring it up. I keep telling myself 'soon', keep choking, because with all the stress, the move, the isolation, the living conditions, I can't muster up the courage.

Then my husband tells me about a woman he's interested in. I tell him he should go for it. He falls hard. He's like a teenager, giddy infatuated and it's ADORABLE. And I'm thinking, I should bring it up now. But my mind makes small risks seem terrifying, and I delay just a few days.

The day I decide I'm ready to discuss whether he can cope with me having relationship with someone he's good friends with, we're snuggling in bed. I open my mouth to speak. He speaks first. "So, anyone you're interested in?" I turn bright red, and squeak out, "I've been crushing on K." Without a moment's hesitation, he answers, "Oh, that's good! You should go for it!"

One conversation down, one to go. Because while there's been what might pass for mild flirting, I've been doing my best not to let on. Cuz I don't want to make the friendship go weird, if it's not reciprocated.

That day was a hard fucking day. That conversation was the only party of it that hadn't sucked completely. That night I'm on Zoom with a friend, C, and we're chatting, I'm telling him about my very rough day, and he says "I want you to tell me one good thing that happened today." And it's like a curse, if I'm asked a direct question, I give an honest answer. I can't not. So I turn bright red and tell him what J, my husband, asked, and that I told him who I had a crush on. C teases, in a good-natured way, and asks who, and I don't answer, so he starts listing names of our friends. "N?" "No." "D?" "God no." "K?" and I turn so red I can hear the blood rushing through my ears.

He totally ships it. He teases, a little, but also gives advice. Good advice.

J and I along with our daughter have plans to visit our friends 3 hours away over the weekend. I decide I'll broach the subject with K then, in person, when we have a chance to be alone.

We don't have a chance to be alone. We hug, like friends (maybe a little closer and definitely a little longer), lean on each other, sit close. But everyone wise is always there. Finally, 10 minutes alone, and I

Fucking

Freeze.

I can't get words out. I'm a shy, nervous teenager again.

He goes home, J and I crash at D's house, and the next day we go to K's house. Again, no moments alone. I start thinking, just ask him to go talk privately. The words don't come out. I message C. Tell him I'm a wimpy coward. He tells me 'write him a do you like me check yes or no note' I send him a grumpy gif. And I type out a message in notepad. Edit, revise, copy it to messenger. And sit there, so glad my mask covers my blush, for a full minute before hitting send.

"So I get super nervous about stuff like this (which is really fucking embarrassing by the way) but I know I'd regret it if I didn't say something. And I can't seem to get the words out verbally but I've been interested in you for awhile, not sure if it's reciprocated but if so I'd like to see where things lead. If not, no big, not gonna make it weird."

And he doesn't check his phone. I wait. Then tell him, K, check your phone. The message didn't go through. He needs to reset his router. He does that, all the whole I'm sitting there with my hands shaking and my heart thundering in my ears, and then

"100% yes lol I've been looking for the way to bring it up for awhile now, but also nerves 😵"

I've been all smiles ever since. I'm so excited. I'm giddy and nervous and definitely frustrated because I waited so long and after that, still didn't get a chance to be alone with him for so much as a second until we had to leave.

But those a bit too long to be just friends hugs I had gotten earlier? They didn't have nothing on the one I got at the end of the night.

[newstfionline]

Wednesday, June 16, 2021

Software is eating the car (IEEE Spectrum) Predictions of lost global vehicle production caused by the ongoing semiconductor shortage continue to rise. In January, analysts forecast that 1.5 million fewer vehicles would be produced as a result of the shortage; by April that number had steadily climbed to more than 2.7 million units, and by May, to more than 4.1 million units. The semiconductor shortage has underscored not only the fragility of the automotive supply chain, but placed an intense spotlight on the auto industry’s reliance on the dozens of concealed computers embedded throughout vehicles today. “Once, software was a part of the car. Now, software determines the value of a car,” notes Manfred Broy, emeritus professor of informatics at Technical University, Munich and a leading expert on software in automobiles. “The success of a car depends on its software much more than the mechanical side.” Ten years ago, only premium cars contained 100 microprocessor-based electronic control units (ECUs) networked throughout the body of a car, executing 100 million lines of code or more. Today, high-end cars like the BMW 7-series with advanced technology like advanced driver-assist systems (ADAS) may contain 150 ECUs or more, while pick-up trucks like Ford’s F-150 top 150 million lines of code. Even low-end vehicles are quickly approaching 100 ECUs and 100 million of lines of code.

The most significant terrorism-related threat (Yahoo News) Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas says that domestic violent extremism now constitutes the greatest terrorism threat to the United States, exceeding that from al-Qaida, the Islamic State or other radical jihadi groups. “I consider it and I think we consider it collectively the most significant terrorism-related threat impacting the homeland,” Mayorkas said in an interview with Yahoo News. Mayorkas made those comments as he unveiled the U.S. government’s first national strategy for combating the domestic terror threat. The document pledges greater information sharing among federal and state agencies and steps up monitoring of social media in order to thwart “online terrorist recruitment” and identify so-called insider threats, including extremists serving in the U.S. military as well as in state and local law enforcement agencies. “I will tell you that we see incendiary language that gives us cause for concern,” Mayorkas said. The Biden administration defines the domestic threat as coming from racially or ethnically motivated extremists whose “racial, ethnic or religious hatred leads them toward violence.” It also says other components of the threat come from “anti-government or anti-authority” extremists.

Life inside an Amazon warehouse (NYT) In his drive to create the world’s most efficient company, Jeff Bezos discovered what he thought was another inefficiency worth eliminating: hourly employees who spent years working for the same company. Longtime employees expected to receive raises. They also became less enthusiastic about the work, Amazon’s data suggested. And they were a potential source of internal discontent. Bezos came to believe that an entrenched blue-collar work force represented “a march to mediocrity,” as David Niekerk, a former Amazon executive who built the company’s warehouse human resources operations, told The Times, as part of an investigative project being published this morning. “What he would say is that our nature as humans is to expend as little energy as possible to get what we want or need.” In response, Amazon encouraged employee turnover. After three years on the job, hourly workers no longer received automatic raises, and the company offered bonuses to people who quit. It also offered limited upward mobility for hourly workers, preferring to hire managers from the outside. As is often the case with one of Amazon’s business strategies, it worked. Turnover at Amazon is much higher than at many other companies—with an annual rate of roughly 150 percent for warehouse workers, which means that the number who leave the company over a full year is larger than the level of total warehouse employment. The churn is so high that it’s visible in the government’s statistics on turnover in the entire warehouse industry. The constant churning of workers has helped keep efficiency high and wages fairly low. Profits have soared, and the company is on pace to overtake Walmart as the nation’s largest private employer. Bezos has become one of the world’s richest people.

California officially reopens its economy (AP) California officially reopened on Tuesday, about 15 months after a number of its counties were among the first in the nation to order residents to stay home to slow the spread of the coronavirus. The state is lifting most of its restrictions, such as physical distancing and capacity limits in businesses.

‘Heart-wrenching problem’ for Army in Alaska: 2 bases. 5 months. 6 suicides. (USA Today) Six soldiers stationed in Alaska have died by apparent suicide in the first five months of the year, an alarming number of deaths after the Army poured more than $200 million into the state to combat the mental health crisis it identified in 2019, according to Army figures released to USA TODAY. The 2021 suicide toll among the roughly 11,500 soldiers stationed there already has nearly matched last year when seven soldiers there died by suicide. Minus 60-degree cold, the high frequency of training and deployment and geographic and social isolation have been cited as key stresses in lives of soldiers stationed in Alaska. The relatively high cost of living, alcohol abuse, sleep disorders in the Land of Midnight Sun and its long, dark winters can contribute to mental health issues as well. Among the general population, Alaska had the second highest suicide rate in the nation in 2019, according to the CDC.

On Florida's horizon: Dust, brilliant sunsets and allergies (AP) Sunsets across Florida in the coming days could become even more spectacular, as clouds of dust from the Sahara desert sweep in across the Atlantic coast. The plume is expected to dampen storm activity but worsen air pollution, causing trouble for some people with allergies and other respiratory problems. Some health experts say symptoms could mimic those from COVID-19. NASA is monitoring the dust, which was swept off Africa by strong winds swirling across the deserts of Mali and Mauritania. Trade winds are carrying the plume across the ocean, with the leading edge expected to arrive in Florida in the coming days. “It’s going to be a major dust outbreak," Joseph Prospero, professor emeritus at the University of Miami’s Rosenstiel School of Marine and Atmospheric Science, told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel.

Peru’s urban elite panics as a socialist looks set to clinch presidency (Reuters) In Peruvian capital Lima, fear is spreading among the city’s small but powerful urban elite about the likely election win of a little-known socialist teacher. Pedro Castillo is poised to be named president ahead of conservative rival Keiko Fujimori. With almost all votes tallied, Castillo's lead over Fujimori is narrow but looks to be enough, though the final result could take days or even weeks as legal challenges play out. During campaigning, Castillo pledged to sharply hike taxes on mining in the world's no. 2 copper producer to pay for social spending and redraft the constitution to give the government more muscle in running the economy. He has also hinted at potential land reforms. Fujimori's conservatives were quick to play up fears about the rise of "communism" and to stir up old ghosts of land grabs and a Venezuela-style collapse. Many in the wealthy parts of Lima—which overwhelmingly voted for Fujimori—are fearful. "All of my friends have taken their money abroad, I don't know anybody who hasn't withdrawn their money," said an attorney in the city who serves on the boards of several large corporations and had also withdrawn funds. Reuters spoke to half a dozen wealthy Lima residents who said support for Fujimori was rooted in two historical traumas—land appropriations in the 1960s and hyperinflation in the 1980s, both under leftist leaders.

Putin defends charges of hacking and suppressing dissent by claiming U.S. does same thing (NBC News) Russian President Vladimir Putin denied ordering a hit on political rival Alexei Navalny, but in an exclusive interview with NBC News he did not guarantee that the jailed Kremlin critic, who survived being poisoned with a nerve agent, would get out of prison alive. “Look, such decisions in this country are not made by the president,” Putin said. Reminded that Navalny wasn’t just any prisoner, Putin replied: “He will not be treated any worse than anybody else.” Putin said the U.S. allegations that Russian hackers or the government itself were behind cyberattacks in the U.S. were “farcical,” and he challenged NBC News, and by implication the U.S. government, to produce proof that Russians were involved. “We have been accused of all kinds of things,” he said. “Election interference, cyberattacks and so on and so forth. And not once, not once, not one time, did they bother to produce any kind of evidence or proof. Just unfounded accusations.” Putin also repeated the call for the U.S. and Russia to join forces to fight cybercrime, saying, “It is our great hope that we will be able to set up this process with our U.S. partners.”      Throughout the interview, Putin relied on the Kremlin’s time-tested strategy of deflecting criticism by pointing out America’s failures, suggesting that criticism from the West was hypocritical because every country, including Russia and the U.S., acts in its own self-interest. Asked about Biden’s criticism that Russia had added to global instability, he accused the U.S. of doing the same in Libya, Afghanistan and Syria. And the Russians aren’t cracking down on internal dissent, he said, any more than the U.S. is doing with its laws against foreign agents. He even pointed to the arrests of hundreds of suspects in the U.S. Capitol riot and the death of one rioter as proof that the U.S. also targets its citizens for their political opinions, just as Russia is accused of stifling dissent. “We have a saying: ‘Don’t be mad at the mirror if you are ugly,’” he said. “It has nothing to do with you personally. But if somebody blames us for something, what I say is, why don’t you look at yourselves? You will see yourselves in the mirror, not us.”

China denounces NATO statement, defends defense policy (AP) The Chinese mission to the European Union on Tuesday denounced a NATO statement that declared Beijing a “security challenge,” saying China is actually a force for peace but will defend itself if threatened. NATO allies joined the United States on Monday in formally scolding Beijing as a “constant security challenge.” Washington has singled out China as a particular threat, especially in the South China Sea, where it has built and militarized artificial islands, as well as over its attempts to intimidate self-governing Taiwan, which it claims as its own territory to be annexed by military force if necessary. NATO leaders said China is working to undermine global order, a message in sync with U.S. President Joe Biden’s calls to confront Beijing on China’s trade, military and human rights practices. The Chinese mission said Beijing’s spending on its military is considerably less than that of NATO members and it accused the organization of conjuring up a military threat from China in order to justify its own agenda.

Taiwan reports largest incursion yet by Chinese air force (Reuters) Twenty-eight Chinese air force aircraft, including fighters and nuclear-capable bombers, entered Taiwan’s air defence identification zone (ADIZ) on Tuesday, the island’s government said, the largest reported incursion to date. While there was no immediate comment from Beijing, the news comes after the Group of Seven leaders issued a joint statement on Sunday scolding China for a series of issues and underscored the importance of peace and stability across the Taiwan Strait, comments China condemned as “slander”. The latest Chinese mission involved 14 J-16 and six J-11 fighters, as well as four H-6 bombers, which can carry nuclear weapons, and anti-submarine, electronic warfare and early warning aircraft, Taiwan's Defence Ministry said. Chinese-claimed Taiwan has complained over the last few months of repeated missions by China's air force near the self-ruled island, concentrated in the southwestern part of its air defence zone near the Taiwan-controlled Pratas Islands.

New Israel government vows change, but not for Palestinians (AP) Israel’s fragile new government has shown little interest in addressing the decades-old conflict with the Palestinians, but it may not have a choice. Jewish ultranationalists are already staging provocations aimed at splitting the coalition and bringing about a return to right-wing rule. In doing so, they risk escalating tensions with the Palestinians weeks after an 11-day Gaza war was halted by an informal cease-fire. Prime Minister Naftali Bennett’s best hope for maintaining his ruling coalition—which consists of eight parties from across the political spectrum—will be to manage the conflict, the same approach favored by his predecessor, Benjamin Netanyahu, for most of his 12-year rule. But that method failed to prevent three Gaza wars and countless smaller eruptions. That’s because the status quo for Palestinians involves expanding settlements in the occupied West Bank, looming evictions in Jerusalem, home demolitions, deadly shootings and an array of discriminatory measures that two well-known human rights groups say amount to apartheid. In Gaza, which has been under a crippling blockade since the Hamas militant group seized power in 2007, it’s even worse.

Israel is no longer requiring masks indoors (AP) Israel is no longer requiring masks indoors, lifting one of its last coronavirus restrictions following a highly successful vaccination campaign. The restriction was lifted on Tuesday, though people will still be required to wear masks on airplanes and on their way to quarantine. Unvaccinated individuals must wear masks in nursing homes and other long-term health facilities. Authorities have been cautious about welcoming visitors, however, because of concerns over new variants. Israel welcomed its first tour group late last month. All tourists must show proof of vaccination and be tested upon arrival.

[compare-wp10]

COVID what's next: Can NJ unemployment handle second-wave shutdown?

See on Scoop.it - COMPARE RISK COMMUNICATION

COVID what's next: Can NJ unemployment handle second-wave shutdown? Trenton Bureau Published 5:00 AM EDT Aug 11, 2020 Editor's Note: COVID-19 killed tens of thousands in the Northeast, caused massive unemployment and wrecked the economy. In an ongoing series of stories, the USA TODAY Network Atlantic Group, 37 news sites, including the APP.com, in six states, examines what the government got wrong in its response to the virus, what policies eventually worked — and why we remain vulnerable if the coronavirus strikes harder in the fall. School bus driver Suzanne Van Housen was laid off in March. She thought at the time — worst case — she would be back to work in September when schools reopened.  But coronavirus pitched the Hawthorne resident's worst-case scenario into uncertainty. Schools are opening on modified schedules or may not open classrooms at all. Van Housen doesn't know if she'll have a job on the bus or as a lunch aide, another part-time role she took to help support herself, her husband and 6-year-old son.  “Both my jobs, I probably lost them," she said. Van Housen, 52, is one of the 831,000 New Jerseyans put out of work because of the virus, which shuttered businesses, restaurants, schools and entertainment venues leading to economic calamity. In just a few months the virus set the state's employment rolls back to where they were 35 years ago. The economic devastation makes the Great Recession of the late 2000s look puny and steals the title of worst recession since the Great Depression, according to Rutgers University economist James W. Hughes. The implosion has state leaders scrambling to account for projected revenue shortfalls in the billions without a surplus to cushion the blow, and left people who lost their jobs waiting for money from an unemployment system that often fails. Whether, or when, the turmoil ends depends on the virus and the federal government, economists say. Each coronavirus flare up brings uncertainty. A strong second wave in the fall, as some public health officials predict, would ravage the already reeling state. And this time there may not be an expansive federal stimulus plan to serve as a lifeline. Negotiations in Washington faltered leading to a piecemeal approach of executive orders from President Donald Trump. Surging cases elsewhere have threatened the meager number of jobs gained as the Garden State reopened, according to a Rutgers report co-authored by Hughes. Unemployment: Thousands of New Jersey workers waited months for help, with no answer More: Will NJ be prepared to test and trace a second wave of cases? Van Housen is one of tens of thousands of workers still waiting and wondering if help promised in the nation's $2 trillion federal stimulus plan will come, let alone looking toward a second wave. Van Housen, who made $19 an hour on the bus and $18 an hour in the lunchroom, says she is owed about eight weeks of unemployment because hers expired and the extension guaranteed in the stimulus plan didn't happen automatically for her, as the state said it would. So, she was left redialing the state unemployment office.  “They just tell me to wait," she said. "I call every week.”  Story continues after the chart. 'They need to be better prepared' New Jersey's unemployment system couldn't keep up with a tsunami of workers who lost their jobs, were furloughed or had their hours cut. The 40-year-old computer system crashed as claims filed just in the first week of the economic shutdown grew 1,500% over the prior week. Nearly 156,000 claims were filed the first week of widespread business closures, dwarfing prior periods of job loss. After Superstorm Sandy claims spiked to 46,000 in a single week. Amid the Great Recession of the late 2000s claims shot to 25,000, according to the New Jersey Department of Labor and Workforce Development.  But coronavirus seemed intent on breaking its own unemployment records week after week. New claims grew until they peaked at 215,000 the week of March 29. COVID-19's impact, unlike other economic catastrophes, was sudden and swift in its impact, according to Luis Portes, professor of economics at Montclair State University. "Unlike the Great Depression and the Great Recession, both of which took months to reach the bottom of the downturn, the speed and depth of the recession induced by the pandemic has not been seen before," he said.  Between February and April, the state shed twice as many jobs as it had added in the prior 10 years, from 2010 to 2020, according to the Rutgers analysis. The unemployment rate — previously a record low at 3.7% percent — exploded to 16.6% by June, second highest in the country and well above the national average of 11.1%, according to the federal Bureau of Labor Statistics. The state unemployment rate during and in the months after the Great Recession hovered just under 10%. While sprinting to keep up with new claims coming in, simultaneously the state labor department had to shift its own staff to work from home and figure out how to distribute benefits through new stimulus programs created by the federal government. There weren't enough employees in the department to keep up with calls coming in, a labor department spokeswoman said, and the 1980s computer system that runs benefits programs repeatedly crashed. State leaders, including Gov. Phil Murphy, had been warned the computer systems were old, but failed to fix them in time.  Dana Reyes, 52, worked at the human resources firm Korn Ferry, supporting Teva Pharmaceutical Industries in Parsippany, before she was laid off in April. She was not able to claim benefits, despite repeated calls to unemployment offices seeking help. "It was just impossible to get through," she said. Finally, one day in mid-July, Reyes called from two phones one minute before agents started their workday. Someone picked up, said her claim would be "escalated," and it'd be another 10 days to find out if she would get benefits, Reyes said. Those days passed and still Reyes has not received unemployment. “I get this is unprecedented, nobody saw this coming, all these other states are going through it as well," she said. "It just goes to show you the system is broken. The government, they need to be better prepared.”  Financial aid to families, and computer fixes The federal government stepped in to put more money in peoples' pockets with the $2 trillion Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security (or CARES) Act in late March. The CARES Act included financial relief for states, industries and direct assistance for individuals. It sent $1,200 to workers, supplemented $600 for weekly unemployment benefits, expanded the types of workers who could collect unemployment and lengthened the total time someone can get benefits.  The state also made benefits available for another 20 weeks, meaning people can claim more than a year's worth of benefits. COVID what's next: What went wrong during first spike and how Northeast is preparing for another More on the economy: How will NJ businesses survive a second wave? In about five months the state distributed $13.2 billion in benefits to more than 1.3 million people — more than the $8 billion paid in an entire year after the Great Recession, according to Angela Delli-Santi, a spokeswoman for the state labor department.  Those successes were largely overshadowed by the turbulent rollout of benefits. New Jersey hired a call center to help manage the flood of questions coming in by phone, created how-to guides in several languages for claiming benefits and added a chatbot to answer questions online. Citing the thousands of residents who were unable to get unemployment, the Legislature in June set aside an additional $4 million for the Department of Labor. Delli-Santi said the funding would "bolster our staffing and technology capabilities." A second wave without a stimulus? There is only so much states can do to prepare for economic trauma, said Hughes, the Rutgers economist. The best way to restore the economy and jobs is to contain the virus, he wrote in a recent analysis. Stashing billions into a surplus fund would likely only help a state survive for a short time, given the devastating drop the coronavirus has had on state revenues, he said. Story continues below the chart. New Jersey expects to have a nearly $1 billion surplus when the current fiscal year ends in September, nearly double what state officials in May expected was possible. That will hardly cushion a projected $7.2 billion decline in state tax revenues in the following year. While tax revenues have declined year over year, there's uncertainty about what will come to fruition and how hard revenues will be hit. As of June, the state's collections from major taxes was $29.78 billion, down $3 billion, or just over 9%, from last year, according to the state Treasury. Some of that decline was likely because the income tax payment deadline was moved from April to July, and the state expects to make up some of that shortfall when those payments have been counted. The sales tax also performed better than originally expected, which the Murphy administration attributed to gradually reopening the economy. Through June, collections of $8.8 billion were $147 million less than the same period last year, a decline of less than 2%, according to Treasury.  If the virus hits again in a strong second wave this fall, the projected shortfall could grow another $1 billion — to $8.3 billion, according to a May analysis published by Treasury.  Story continues below the chart. And it's uncertain exactly how far the federal government will go to help again after stepping in earlier this year to spread stimulus dollars to industries, states and households across the country. Lawmakers in Washington for weeks debated the details of a replacement program before negotiations fizzled. One of the key issues that divided Democrats and Republicans is whether the $600 weekly benefit supplement should be extended. Some Republicans argued the benefit should be reduced to $200 because of a concern that paying more incentivizes people to stop working.  After negotiations broke down last week, Trump on Saturday signed executive orders extending some of the stimulus’ provisions, including a $400 weekly supplemental unemployment payment that would be paid from federal emergency funds and states’ coffers. The orders, which some Democrats have challenged as unconstitutional because it is Congress’ job to make appropriations, fall short of an expansive package that would help businesses and states withstand a second wave of economic trauma.  "Let’s be clear about something: States are going broke and millions of Americans are unemployed yet the solution called for states to create a new program we cannot afford and don’t know how to administer because of this uncertainty," Murphy said Monday. "I cannot sit here right now and say New Jersey could afford to participate in this program." Economists say federal aid money is crucial for New Jersey workers and employers should there be another wave of the virus. The resurgence in New Jersey and elsewhere could further chill consumer spending and lead to more layoffs in the private sector, Hughes said.  "I think the virus upsurge has changed their attitude of how fast the recovery is going to proceed and they're sort of hunkering down for a long slog back," he said. Jenkins Jose Kolongbo is a catering worker for United airlines. His hours have been cut because of Covid-19 and he's having trouble paying bills and supporting his family in Liberia. Photographed in his home in Newark on Tuesday, August 4, 2020. Danielle Parhizkaran/NorthJersey.com One of those companies, United Airlines, warned it would lay off a third of its overall workforce on Oct. 1, citing the sharp decline in travel because of the coronavirus. The airline, the dominant carrier at Newark Liberty International Airport, employs about 14,200 people in the metro area and received $5 billion in federal stimulus funds. Jenkins Jose Kolongbo, 36, of Newark, has worked for United for three years ensuring airplanes are stocked and ready for flights. He said his hours were cut from 40 to 30 each week during the pandemic, making it a challenge to pay his rent, car insurance and car loan. He recently found out his name is on the list of workers to be laid off in the fall. Kolongbo sends money home to support three children, his girlfriend and other family members in Liberia, but he's not sure that can continue. “After September," he said, "I’m not going to be able to support them."  Stacey Barchenger is a reporter in the New Jersey Statehouse. For unlimited access to her work covering New Jersey’s lawmakers and political power structure, please subscribe or activate your digital account today. Email: sbarchenger@gannettnj.com Twitter: @sbarchenger  Published 5:00 AM EDT Aug 11, 2020

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Olympian Tianna Bartoletta is Ready to Defend her World Title

The three-time Olympic gold medalist's dreams for the 2020 games were derailed by injury, illness, and the global pandemic. Today, she's taking it all in stride, thanks to her yoga practice.

On a sunny Friday afternoon during the last weekend in February, before stay-at-home orders and facemasks and furloughs, I watched three-time gold medalist Tianna Bartoletta practice the long jump at UC Berkeley’s Edwards Stadium. The YTT-200’s focus was as sharp as the spikes on her shoes as she sprinted down the track and sprung into the air, seemingly weightless, before softly making contact with the sandpit. The key, she told me, is accelerating into the takeoff instead of slowing down to jump. “You gotta be crazy,” she says. “You gotta feel the fear and do it anyway.”

It’s a sentiment Bartoletta, who took home two gold medals from Rio in 2016 (long jump and 4x100-meter relay), has experienced before, particularly during the lows that have punctuated her successful 15-year track and field career. She won her first world championship in the long jump in 2005, the summer after her sophomore year in college, but didn’t earn her second until a decade later.

The latest example of Bartoletta’s fear-be-damned mentality was starting to train for this past June’s Olympic trials in February—by her own account, five months too late. An ankle injury and emergency surgery derailed her 2019 season and kept her off the track until the week before we met. She was only just easing back into her limited training schedule of sprinting, jumping, and weight-training sessions three to four times per week.

At 35, Bartoletta knows this will most likely be her last Olympics, and as the reigning champion, she feels immense pressure to defend her title. But that stress won’t deter “the USA’s Sprint and Long Jump Comeback Kid.” Her yoga practice, a tool that keeps her sane and grounded during intense phases of uncertainty, is an advantage she has over her competitors. “Going to the Olympic trials is like going to the Hunger Games,” she told me. “This is my fourth time entering that arena, and there is a lot of dread. But the mat is where I generate a lot of the momentum and energy I need to bring to go out and win medals.”

See Also Snowboarder Kevin Pearce Turns Brain Injury Into Life of Service

Girls Rule the World

Bartoletta's capacity for hard work and intense competition are traits she says she and her two sisters inherited from their parents. “My mom made sure that we understood that as females, we had to work twice as hard as our male counterparts,” she says. “And then as black females, we had to probably work double that just to get a foot in the door.” Bartoletta has been involved with sports since she was 12, but she didn’t get serious about track until her junior year of high school, when her dad told her that she’d need to get a scholarship in order to attend college. She dropped volleyball and basketball to focus on her best sport—track—and earned a scholarship to the University of Tennessee in Knoxville.

Her freshman year, however, any signs of greatness she’d shown in high school were replaced by mental blocks that trumped her physical performance. That spring, when Bartoletta attended the national championships, she was a mess. “I got my butt whooped. I was scared. I was intimidated. I punked out of being awesome,” she says. “And my coaches were really upset because I didn’t score any points.” A few weeks later, at another meet, a coach from the men’s team approached her. “He told me, ‘Tianna, you have to commit to that first step. Once you initiate the jump, that’s it. It’s kamikaze out here—you have to understand that once you’re up there, there’s no coming back.’” Something inside her clicked, and when she jumped that day, she cleared 6.60 meters, a distance that would have won nationals two weeks prior.

“Everything they were telling me I was capable of, I totally was capable of, but I hadn’t gotten there mentally yet,” Bartoletta says.

That same year, she went to the Olympic trials for the first time. Although she took eighth place (only the top three get to compete in the Games), the experience of competing alongside her track and field heroes lit a fire inside the then-18-year-old. She fully committed to the sport. The following year she won the world championship in the long jump and, a few months later, signed a pro contract with Nike.

See also A Meditation for Finding Inner Balance

Finding Yoga

Two years after her first world championships win, Bartoletta was having trouble sleeping, and someone suggested she try Yin Yoga. “It was like a gateway drug,” she says. Next came Yoga Nidra and meditation. “Really good yoga teachers do what I call dharma drips. They teach you the philosophy when you’re not looking,” she says. “Now I use yoga for everything—to wake up, to sleep, to show up for training.” In 2018, Bartoletta embarked on her 200-hour yoga teacher training at Love Story Yoga in San Francisco. “I just wanted to learn as much about the practice as I could,” she says.

Practice Bartoletta's sequence for staying grounded. 

Behind the Scenes with Cover Model Tianna Bartoletta (; 0:27)

In hindsight, the timing couldn’t have been better. In July 2019, while Bartoletta was in training at Papendal, the Olympic Training Center in the Netherlands, her health took a turn. She experienced dizziness and was physically and emotionally exhausted. Part of her believed it was just a natural consequence of pushing herself as an elite athlete. That is, until she got an alarming set of emails from a doctor associated with both the World Anti-Doping Agency and World Athletics, which oversees Olympic track and field hopefuls. They’d discovered something abnormal in her blood work: She was severely anemic. Elite athletes should have a level of ferritin (a blood protein that contains iron) around 40; hers was 5. “They were like, ‘Go to the doctor right now. These levels are bad,’” Bartoletta recalls. But she didn’t listen. Instead, in July she flew to Iowa where she took last place at US nationals. Six weeks went by before Bartoletta finally saw a doctor in Colorado, who misdiagnosed the cause of her anemia as heavy menstruation and put her on iron infusions. By December, Bartoletta couldn’t get through her regular training sessions: “I felt like I was dying,” she says. “My heartbeat was erratic, and sleeping was like going into a coma—it was hard to wake me.” Frustrated and exhausted, she demanded to be seen by a gynecologist at the US Olympic and Paralympic Training Center. That doctor discovered she had a noncancerous fibroid tumor in her uterus that was causing severe blood loss and anemia. If left untreated, her doctors said, she was weeks away from organ failure and one intense training session away from an actual coma. Bartoletta had emergency surgery that night and a blood transfusion two months later.

It was a devastating blow to her shot at another Olympic gold. “In a normal year, the work you do from October through March is the work,” says Bartoletta. “Only fine-tuning and polishing can happen during the competition season.” But for six weeks following surgery, she wasn’t allowed to train. “I just cried and cried,” she told me in February. “I wanted to be able to put up a damn fight to defend my title. Now it feels more like I’m Miss America, and I know I have to give my crown to someone else at the end of the year rather than fight to keep it.” But lessons she’d learned through yoga helped her stay grounded and accept the discomfort of her reality. Every day, she practiced pranayama and some form of gratitude, and meditated on the mantra “Everything is as it should be.”

“The Bhagavad Gita is like, ‘Look, kid, you’re not even entitled to the fruits of your labor, so keep showing up and keep doing work,’” she says. “That kept me going.”

See Also Find Calm and Boost Your Immunity with These 9 Yogic Breathing Exercises

Grace Under Pressure

In early spring, Olympic uncertainty was escalating with the rise of the covid-19 crisis. By mid-March, training facilities globally were closing and drug testing had ceased, but no announcement had been made in regard to the Games—even the athletes were left in the dark.

Finally, on the morning of March 23, Bartoletta was scrolling through her social media feeds when she saw the headline: The Olympics were postponed until 2021. Many athletes, including Bartoletta, expressed understanding at the unprecedented move, but also heartbreak.

Ever the Comeback Kid, Bartoletta chooses to view the delay as an opportunity to embrace the present. The postponement, she says, is a chance to strengthen her body, to make up for the time she lost to injury and illness: “I wasn’t interested in my Olympic title going to someone else because of things I couldn’t control. It’s just not the way I wanted to go.”

See Also 2018 Olympic Hopefuls Share the Yoga That's Helping Them Get to the Games

“People will never fully grasp the level of perseverance it takes to do what she does at the level she does it,” says Bartoletta’s coach Charles Ryan, who’s also her housemate. “It would be unimaginable if everything was right in her life, and for her to accomplish what she has in the face of years and years of difficult traumas and setbacks—she is the strongest person I know.”

Today Bartoletta is not only cherishing the extra training time but also her body and all that it’s been through. “There’s a moment in yoga class when we rest in Savasana with our right hands on our hearts and our left hands on our bellies, and we say, ‘I’m grateful for this body.’ This body of mine had done so much for me, but it wasn’t until this moment that I appreciated it enough,” Bartoletta says. “I wasn’t in awe of it enough. Every body is a work of miracles and magic and science, and it’s perfect in whatever form it manifests itself, and that is what I have learned this year.” And she’s going to use these lessons she’s learned to be at the top of her game for the next Olympics whenever they may be.

Practice Bartoletta's sequence for finding energy.