#(but nobody likes taking covid tests especially if youre me)

[tiercel]

Conventions are so much fun but in a post covid world im afraid i will never feel comfortable going to one again

[britneyshakespeare]

i wish i didn't get immovably anxious every time i even think about taking a covid test

[phantalgia]

9/9/24 - COVID thoughts, Can't Stop Arguing In My Head, Financial Troubles

I’m unsure if I should separate these things into seperate diaries because we have: COVID progress, arguing in my head, and financial troubles (although I’m not sure to what extent). Knowing me, I'll just ramble on about every thing and get too much done. Anyway let's try.

COVID Progress

I think the good news is that my heart hasn't been too much of a problem recently. I suspect that it's mostly triggered by a consistent usage of my heart via exercise. There will be an occasional weird event but it never leads to a spiraling event.

Not sure what changed, but what has changed has been some new symptoms of symptoms I've exerperienced before just more extreme. Also coming and going. Puffy hands and a feeling of my thumb about to pop, extreme nerve pain especially headaches, eye artifacts, tinnitus, pissing myself, nausea digestion issues, dizziness, short of breathe and that respritory alkalosis thing im more sensitive to.

Im pacing a lot still and cant seem to get my mind off things. The pacings themselves dont cause much problems until I become idle. There's a certain irony to them.

Yesterday I did something, I want to keep it private (nothing bad if thats what youre thinking), just caused those headaches to be even worse. I don’t know what to think anymore right now. Part of me doesnt believe I suffer with the things I do and I should get over them.

I mentioned before how these symptoms really feel like things I've experienced before just taken to 11. It's true. Which makes me wonder if there's more to my pre-covid issues. I don’t know. This stuff, ontop of my obsessions, ontop of my idleness in life have really been tearing me down right now. I don’t know where to go. My spelling and ability to think has gotten worse.

The Fake Arguments In My Head

What purpose do these serve? I’m having fake arguments with fake or past people in my head all the time. Man am I that angry? It's not helpful. I’m not gonna prove anything to anyone. Why do I care? It's really the bottom of the barrel stuff getting into "debates" and arguments.

Really, just talking or writing in spaces where you’re free to is better. Not isolated individuals. They just won’t get it and spur of the moment interactions arent good places either. It's a waste of time and even if I were to do it I should take my advice and use personal experience and an introduction to my world instead.

This doesn't help the obsessive arguments. Gosh where did these come from, they're not productive. They cause unnessesary adrenaline surges that I already experience. I don’t need more. I know it's from self hatred, and the disappointment of people coming to unhealthy conclusions about the world after disillusionment.

I read "Does The Left Have Snobby Purity Culture" by Mark Fisher. It was good, I think it was necessary self reflection that I’m being a snobby purist to myself. I have my own inner monolouge punishing me for my past instead of moving forward. My on "leftist" twitter mob canceling me in my head.

He's made good points in that article, many of these people come from positions of privilege and still haven't existed the individualist conditioning modern culture has. Control over others behavior while they are still in process of unlearning isn't fair and is a problem for the left. I dont think many of these people are true leftists. Apologizes for using purity tests myself now.

But yeah, these people still follow a particular set of bourgeois standards that they expect others to follow. They think they have completely disentangled themselves from the dominant cultures grip on them. But just like the gambler who claims to be "an exception to gambling's psychological trickery" nobody is immune to the shadow of dominant culture.

I need to give myself a break here, these fake arguments arent healthy. I don’t know where to go to stop. I still want to filter out people who are right wingers from my sphere of association. But often times people on the left don’t want to hang out with me. So it's like what is the point? Why be a leftist if you have no solidarity in your heart? No vision for something more out of life. Ugh anyway moving on...

Financial Troubles? And Healthcare in the US Rant

Speaking of leftism. Let's talk about how I’m doing with capitalism. Not well. In fact my insurance was billed $700k, yes $700k for simple blood work. Right now, the thinking is "clearly that's a mistake" and it probably is. I get the healthcare system is bad. But it can't possibly be THIS bad.

Bloodwork is still outrageously expensive but to have it cost almost as much as a god damn house?! Even though those houses are still just as expensive. Oh who am I kidding, we're being ripped off out of everything.

It doesn't make sense and it's probably a mistake. Or has to be I mean there is no way. Right now for the past year Ive been a play thing for doctors and a bank for this shit. The amount of times I keep getting sick and feeling sick is making me go through money. Even with insurance.

At some point I gotta give up on going to the doctor and just rot. I cant risk losing more money that I need just to survive. I’m lucky to have insurance but it's really just pathetic how much you still pay.

I still cant believe Americans put up with this. Why cant we all just do a medical debt strike, march on Washington and demand a universal healthcare system? Why are we so pathetic? If this was happening in any other country there would be riots but we've put up with it for years now.

We'd be saving so much money on medical costs and not be giving money to a system that pays for yachts. I mean their entire business model requires that they NOT pay any way they can. Who the hell thought this was a good idea? And why are we still being gaslit?

Really these businesses should be non profit cooperatives with municipal or government subsidies and monitoring. Or even better, a syndicate system connecting them all so they can help out each other based on need. Doctors, nurses, and patients could be representitives to these institutions and have open platforms to discuss funding, and planning and so on.

It'll probably also help in eliminating the toxic power dynamics between doctors and patients. And give patients more power. Easy access to medical knowledge should also be open source to everyone from patients to doctors and should be emphasized. Sigh, but one can only dream I guess.

Done

Anyway, I’m done here. I don’t know what else to say or do today. I just don’t feel good. I want friends, i want community, i need help...

[charlesherbertlightoller]

So since I've been decidedly less than actively engaged on here than I used to, perhaps my mutuals would like a life update. Well, unfortunately, there's nothing all that great to tell anyone about. In fact looking back, it's finally dawning on me that, despite the positive developments, 2024 has been the absolute worst and wasteful year of my life. I mean…

January – Discovered that I'm allergic to bananas and honey now.

February – Remembered that I attempted suicide round this time in 2020 and am still disappointed I didn't succeed; had a fight with my mom and decided to finally begin the process of moving out this year.

March – Feeling guilty about getting top surgery done on International Women's Day. Suffered a horrific attack of peripheral neuropathy a week post-op (more on that later).

April – Most likely caught COVID for the first time ever, though I was never tested so I can never be sure if it was It or just a bad cold; ironically, nobody else in the house got sick except me. Shortly after, fought with Mom again and left home permanently this time.

May – Month of Madness; started Wellbutrin and spiralled into the worst mental state I've ever been in in my life, with severe anxiety attacks, paranoia and psychosomatic symptoms (including what felt like a heart attack!). I might have been accidentally overdosing, too, since I was taking two extended release pills every day. Hospitalized thrice, called the EMTs at least 6 times. Even after detoxing, my legs would shake uncontrollably at times. Also had an ovarian cyst that blew (I went in assuming it was appendicitis) and it legit felt like I was dying. Learned that nobody cares about COVID anymore (my family included) and it's only getting worse, so I can't pursue a normal job if I want to stay safe.

June – Internalized Homophobia Month

July – Month of Madness 2. Had another fight with my mom, then got into a bike accident. Both my arms were practically useless for weeks on end, my right arm especially, even though nothing was broken. Dislocated my left shoulder on my birthday because I was using it to compensate for my right arm. The peripheral neuropathy and anxiety attacks were back, too; this was how I finally learned that I'm allergic to Tylenol, and I started getting better immediately after stopping it. Finally realized that my mom is a narcissist after our fight.

August – Vacation to Slovenia was cancelled. COVID scare, though thankfully I was negative. Keep fighting with my mom/coming to terms with the fact that she's a narcissist who's been emotionally abusing me for years, and that I just need to accept that she'll never change and I need to cut ties before it's too late. Otherwise did absolutely nothing this month.

September – Turns out huffing paint fumes from your staining project is bad for you! Who would have thought!? At least I got paid though, because I need to find a new healthcare provider after my plan changed. Starting to wonder if I have brain damage from either the Wellbutrin or possible COVID case in April, because I haven't felt normal since January. Also my dad is planning to take me to an immersive exhibition centred round my special interest…during the middle of the worst COVID wave in years, and I'll likely be the only person masking there.

Needless to say, I can only anticipate what will happen next this year with the utmost dread and preemptive disappointment as my world grows smaller by the day. I doubt I'll ever make a full comeback to any sort of social media in spite of it.

[deadgrantaires]

soooo as i worked up my courage to make a million calls this morning i also got the crushing news that my gov insurance has been ~*canceled*~ and as im trying to cope with that it goes hand in hand with now trying to rate my 20+ medications against each other and decide which ones im going to try stopping altogether bc i literally cannot afford to take them all, especially when my daily inhaler that i need to live/w0rk at all has no generic option and will ALWAYS cost me like $60/month. I have a month left to see doctors before i shut myself in and just live with all my problems forever bc all my problems need testing and all the testign costs hundreds of dollars, of which i do not have in spare cash with my measly p4ych3ck after yknow. rent and utilities and food. so thats out of the question. it also means if/when i get hospitalized again for getting ANY sickness i cannot afford the bill and will just be completely screwed. which is only BETTER because ofc nobody is taking covid seriously anymore despite still being in the middle of an unimporving pandemic. but no eveyrones ability to go to the grocery store without wearing a mask IS more important than my life, who am i kidding

but anyways im just. completley fucked and i guess its good i was always kinda prepared to be completely fucked and its really just a waiting game to see how much all my meds are gonna cost me and budgeting from there. but may have to say farewell to the dreams of seeing a therapist again since idk if i can afford it as a monthly/weekly expense with everything else. added to the fact that i have to keep switching therapists bc they "feel they arent helping me as much as they should" like yeah absolutley bud, the stress and frustration and panic of having to spend my obsolete energy shopping around for another therapist who takes my insurance and isnt meshing at all with me is surely BETTER than u spending the time to try and understand how to help me, as is literally. your job. so i think ill just give up on that!

like as if it wasnt bad enough that im jsut Not Eating half the time anyway bc i dont have any time or energy or will to make myself food. the ammount of times ive just gone to bed without eating bc i looked in the fridge 20 times and eveyrthing i thought about made me feel sick or exhausted me so i said fuck it and went to bed hungry. so like at this point saving money by not going to therapy would at least MAYBE give me wiggle room to buy more food i can actually eat. not that i can. leave the house at all any more since im so burnt out that even thinking about leaving the house on the weekend to get groceries literally saps away my strength all week trying to work up to it. and i STILL cant go out on the weekend. so i literally. dont know howim supposed to survive this other than just. see how it plays out and hope for the best or like. that i kill myself good enough that i just die and dont end up in the hospital with bills about it 🙄

.

[prolifeproliberty]

So I got the COVID...

Hey so I’m kinda late posting about this, but now it kinda works because I can make one post with all the details rather than a string of posts over time.

I finally got the COVID after Thanksgiving. I know who I got it from and a few other people in my close friend and family group got it too, including my husband. We’re all recovered now, and nobody had to be hospitalized.

I want to share a little bit about my experience, and my recommendations for anyone who gets it, even if your symptoms start out mild like mine did.

My first symptoms came on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and it was a sore throat and a cough. I didn’t think much of it, especially since it had been cold that morning and I’d been outside. That evening my symptoms got worse and I got a fever and the “hit by a truck” achy feeling.

At this point, I thought it was the flu. WebMD symptom checker agreed - when I put my symptoms in, it consistently ranked flu and cold as more likely than coronavirus. So I treated it like the flu - medicine and rest.

My symptoms improved, my fever went down, and I thought I was better. Then, a couple days later, I started to have shortness of breath. Now we’re a week from my first symptoms, and I admitted it was probably COVID. My parents had supplements from a protocol recommended by a friend, and they brought me those along with some at home tests and an oximeter (to measure my blood oxygen levels).

(Fun fact, I tested myself with two different at home tests and got negatives both times, while my husband with the same symptoms tested positive. We’re assuming I had COVID because I had similar symptoms at the same time as other people who I was in contact with and who tested positive)

Turns out my SpO2 (blood oxygen saturation) was in the low 90s and dipping every so often below 90. If I sat up and took deep breaths it would go back up to the mid 90s, but at this point I knew I needed a little more than NyQuil. I took the supplements in the protocol, and I made a telemedicine appointment with a nurse practitioner recommended by a friend who had COVID several months ago.

The nurse practitioner prescribed me Ivermectin and Budesonide (an inhaled steroid). I got both prescriptions the next day, and it made an almost immediate difference. Within a few days my SpO2 was normal and I had no other symptoms.

It’s hard to say for sure if the ivermectin made the difference for me. I know the budesonide was crucial, and I could see the difference in real time that it made for my SpO2 levels (they’d go up within an hour of taking the treatment).

I’ve been off all medications for about a week now and I’m feeling fine. One of the other people I was in contact with had a worse experience than me and almost had to be hospitalized, but he took the same medications I did and improved very quickly once he started them.

I am unvaccinated, I’m glad I’m unvaccinated, I still don’t plan to get the vaccine, and if I could go back in time I still wouldn’t tell myself to get vaccinated. I would tell myself to take the illness more seriously from the beginning, but that’s it. There are treatments and therapeutics that work, and now I have natural immunity.

This wasn’t the worst illness I’ve ever had. That would probably be three years ago when I had a respiratory infection, strep throat, and pinkeye all at the same time. That sucked.

My case was more severe than some people’s, but definitely milder than what the media will try to tell you is the norm. I needed medications, but not the ones the media tries to tell you that you need. In fact, I had to find a locally owned pharmacy that was willing to fill my ivermectin prescription, because my normal pharmacy at my grocery store (H-E-B) wouldn’t do it.

My recommendations:

- If you’re sick, take it seriously. Even if it’s just the flu, it’s better to treat early and keep it short. At the very least get a good Vitamin D3/K2 supplement and take it whenever you feel a bit off, if not daily.

- While it’s tempting to take NyQuil and sleep through an illness, if you think it might be COVID you need to get up and walk around as much as you can. This helps keep fluid from settling in your lungs, which is what leads to the respiratory issues. Also, acetaminophen (the main ingredient) limits your body’s ability to fight inflammation, which is the big problem with COVID. If I could go back in time, I would tell myself not to take it and to use other anti-inflammatory natural remedies instead.

- If you experience any shortness of breath while sick, even if you’re not sure whether it’s COVID, talk to a provider about getting a steroid. Budesonide is what I took, and others have had success with prednisone (which can be taken as a pill, much easier than needing a nebulizer).

- You can find providers who prescribe budesonide via telemedicine appointments here. The provider I saw is on this list. Many of them also prescribe ivermectin. Interestingly, my parents (who also ended up getting it) were told by a nurse that most hospitals don’t use budesonide for COVID until the patient is at death’s door - which makes zero sense when you know it works to keep patients out of the hospital to begin with!

- If you want to take ivermectin or hydroxychloroquine, find a locally owned pharmacy before you see your telemedicine provider and call to ask if they fill those prescriptions. They’ll be honest with you about it either way. If you live in the Austin, TX area and need a pharmacy recommendation, feel free to message me. The one I ended up finding is awesome and I wish I’d known about them sooner!

[dystopiandilfs]

I feel like people are completely missing the point and reason why myself and many others are upset about Karl and Sapnap meeting. I want to clear things up and add a few things. DISCLAIMER This is going to be long as I wanted to add as many situations and scenarios as I could.

Also you are allowed to be upset they met up and still be happy about the content you're receiving. You can be upset at them and still be happy for them. This isn't me trying to make people feel bad for enjoying any meetups.

Also also I mention masks because it's way less words then social distancing. However you should also be social distancing on top of wearing masks. Basically if you have no legit reason to leave your house don't fucking leave. If you can do your job from home you should stay at home, for example a lot of office workers currently work from home instead of all going into a confined office space with no masks and no social distances.

First off just because Karl got the vaccine doesn't mean he's good to travel to different states. It doesn't mean he's good to go out in public constantly especially without a mask. Even with the vaccine you can still spread it to other people. To dumb it down the vaccine doesn't prevent you from getting covid it prevents covid from doing anything to you.

Even with the vaccine you can still get covid it just won't effect you as much if at all. Even if you have the vaccine you still should be following the guidelines and wearing a mask. Until at least 70% of the population has a successful covid vaccination you still should be following your countries guidelines and wearing a mask.

Second off nobody is singling out Karl. It's not a personal attack against Karl. It's just that Karl is one of the biggest examples since he travels a lot.

Next thing to add, Content creators aren't essential workers. Every streamer and YouTuber can do their job from home. They don't need to be leaving their house. If you can't make a good video at home then you're a shit streamer.

Also Covid tests aren't reliable. They don't prevent covid. They're the equivalent of checking someone's temperature by putting a hand on their forehead. Content creators shouldn't be using covid tests as an excuse to break covid guidelines. The tests are meant for essential workers like people in the emergency services, teachers, transport drivers, shop workers, delivery drivers, food delivering companies etc

Now to talk about Karl and compare other streamers situations and why they're not the same.

The biggest argument I've seen is "Why are you mad at Karl and Sapnap meeting but not Sapnap and Dream?" First off Sapnap was moving house permanently and not travelling for a few days to hang out with a friend. Dream and Sapnap stayed in their bubble with the only other people they saw being Dream's family who are part of the same bubble.

You could compare Sapnap and Karl meeting to Sapnap and Skeppy meeting. That's a valid arguement. Skeppy during 2020 was a lot like 2021 Karl he travelled a lot and was constantly going out. The only reason that stopped was because BBH got covid. It took his best friend who never left his house to get covid for Skeppy to follow guidelines. Nobody wishes anyone to get covid but the fact it might take someone close to Karl to get him to stop is scary. (Fingers crossed that doesn't happen and everybody stays safe)

Comparing George and Wilbur meeting to Karl and Quackity meeting. Once again valid however once again you've got to consider that at the time the rules were very limited in the UK compared to the rules during Karl and Big Q's meetup. Also George and Wilbur essentially had a day trip with only them and both had on masks vs Karl and Quackity meeting other people (Mr Beast video) and not seen wearing masks during the entire visit.

Comparing Tommy and Jack meeting up as they met during Sapnap's trip to Karl. Maybe the most valid arguement. The only difference being Jack and Tommy live super close and have both stuck to the guidelines pretty well, this apparently being first time leaving the house in 2021 Vs Once again Karl's America state tour and Sapnap travelling to a whole different state to meetup instead of a 10 minute walk. However not a mask in sight for both sides. I am however harsher towards Karl vs Tommy for the reason of Karl has been called out multiple times and this was Tommy's first.

Sapnap, Punz Schlatt and Minx all moving (or planning on moving) house. Sapnap moving from Texas to Florida, Punz from LA to Florida, Schlatt moving from New York to Texas and Minx moving from Ireland to America. They are all travelling with the intention of moving from one place of residence to a new permanent one. That's a completely different situation to moving from state to state to meet friend and then going back home only to leave to another state a few days later and the cycle continues. Minx got so much shit for mentioning a move compared to other other 3 but they're all examples of similar guideline breaking situations that are still different situations to Karl. Once again I'm using Karl as the main example since he's the most known streamer to be called out. He's been called out as much as the tiktokers and beauty gurus have.

Regarding the people moving they all are moving or have moved for different reasons and that's a whole different situation. Like Schlatt moved for tax purposes , Sapnap moved in to live with his best friend (also Dream had recently moved after being doxxed so I presume that's part of it since Dream said he likes living with Sapnap and hated living alone even when his mum visits)

TLDR: STICK TO THE FUCKING COVID GUIDELINES. IF YOU GOT THE VACCINE STILL STICK TO THE GUIDELINES IT'S NOT THAT DIFFICULT. YOU DON'T NEED TO LEAVE YOUR HOUSE UNLESS YOU ARE AN ESSENTIAL WORKER.

[suneatersupportsquad]

red handed; colby brock

request:  im not sure if you do requests or even any imagines for colby brock anymore but i was wondering if you cold make a exception, so basically the plot is that the reader met colby through kat and since then they hit it off, now their in a secretive relationship the only person who knows is kat but she only knows the reader has a crush on colby. one day everyones hanging out in the same room room and colby is sexting the reader, sams curious to whos hes texting and they find out their dating.

dedication: @whydontweanons​

genre: fluff, subtle smut?

pairing: colby brock x gn!reader

characters: colby brock, sam golbach, katrina stuart, corey scherer, jake webber, kevin langue, brennen taylor, devyn lundy, tara yummy

word count: 1.8k

warnings: alcohol, what would probably be underage drinking, NSFW (barely), sexting (duh), mentions of COVID-19, quarantine

a/n: of course i’ll still write for sam and colby!! it’s just that, since i’m not as active of a follower of them as i used to be, my goal is to write for fandoms that i’m more invested in at the moment. but, honestly, i don’t think i could ever really stop writing for them. i love those boys so much. also this plot made me laugh so hard when i saw it in the best way possible. getting this request honestly made my day, so thank you for that!! anyways, i’m a little rusty, but here we go.

important links: masterlist

find more fics at my new blog @trapboysbunny

You and Colby had known each other for a long time - pretty much since he’d moved to LA with Sam - and you had been involved romantically just as long. You had met him and Sam through Kat on a boring Saturday night when all their friends flaked on coming to a little kickback they were hosting. Trying to be a good friend and cheer the boys up, Katrina had invited you to hopefully kickstart some emotional momentum. Your eyes met Colby’s for the first time and you clicked. Something in your gut had told you that the two of you would end up being close, and it was right. You had hit it off immediately, not taking very long to start laughing at one another’s corny jokes and telling stories over Smirnoff Ice while some random late night show played in the background. From that night on, it was history.

Since then, you two had been practically attached at the hip. If you weren’t sitting on the same room or facetiming, you were definitely texting one another. It became a running joke in your friend group that you two had evolved into a pair of siamese twins, or that being without you gave Colby separation anxiety. The two of you found it even more amusing when you actually began dating, not long after that fateful first night. It amazed the both of you that you were able to hide your relationship so well. No one had a clue. The two of you laughed about it quite often, actually, over late night phone calls and tipsy afternoons spent only with each other. No one knew, and nobody needed to know.

Colby, due to the internet and his fanbase being the way it is, preferred to keep his personal (and especially romantic) relationships more on the private side. His intent wasn’t necessarily to hide his feelings and relationship with you from his friends, but that particular topic of conversation never really came up in your friend group. Everyone had just kind of figured that everyone single would simply date someone when they were ready and tell everybody about it when they felt the time was appropriate. It wasn’t that Colby didn’t want to tell them, he just didn’t see the point in going out of his way to tell all of his friends hey after God knows how long I finally have a partner. He just didn’t want to make a big deal out of your relationship. Knowing his friends, they would definitely make it into some type of big thing, not to mention that Jake would dub the occasion as “cause for celebration” (which was really just an excuse to drink more). So Colby preferred to keep things on the quieter side for you two; neither of you wanted to make your relationship into an object for speculation.

Kat was the only person out of all of your friends to have any knowledge of your feelings for Colby. And thank God for her; if you didn’t have her to gush about Colby to, you probably would have either exploded or died. Or both. And she was there for every single second of it. She loved hearing about your movie nights, your urban exploring adventures, the sweet yet mundane things he would do to make you happy, literally anything. She ate that shit up like a man starved, and you did the same for her and Sam (regardless of the fact that their relationship was public already). You hadn’t told her explicitly about the nature of your relationship with Colby, really just gushed about your ever-growing love for the boy. Unbeknownst to you, she firmly believed that you only had feelings for Colby, clueless to the fact that the two of you had actually been dating for quite a while now. With her “go get ‘em, tiger” comments, along with similar remarks, you assumed that she had some sort of idea about your relationship with Cole, hence why you had never explicitly told her about your secret boyfriend. Kat, being the good friend that she was, never spilled your “secret” feelings to anyone else. Not even her boyfriend.

Eventually, quarantine started up amidst the international COVID-19 pandemic and you had begun practically living with the trap boys. A day without you in the house was enough to prompt concern for the boys, minus Colby who always knew the real reason why you weren’t coming over. This soon became the new normal, you taking a “day off” every few weeks to get tested just in case. At this point, it was almost comical that no one had figured out you two were dating yet.

One particular weekend afternoon, everyone in your friend group was hanging out at the house. You and Colby were sitting on opposite sides of the room, you next to Kat and Colby seated beside Sam. It was particularly warm today seeing as this Saturday landed smack in the middle of the infamous August heat wave, so you had thrown on a tank top and some shorts, nothing to flashy. Colby had dressed similarly, wearing only a muscle tee and a pair of trunks.

You were sat beside Kat, the both of you trying to listen to the story Devyn was telling. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t ignore the way your boyfriend was staring at you from across the room. You looked away from Dev for just a second to shoot him a glare when you realize exactly why he’s looking at you. The speed at which the blood rushes to your face is dizzying, and you drop your head to stare at your lap. Motherfucker- You sigh as you pull your phone out of your pocket. “Quit it with the blowjob eyes asshole,” you type before pressing the blue send button.

You feel his gaze break as his phone vibrates. Trying to ignore him, you refuse to meet his gaze again, putting all of your effort into focusing on Devyn’s story. Seconds later your phone vibrates in your pocket. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” the screen reads, and you shake your head.

“Uh huh sure ok.” You pressed send again.

Another few seconds passed and your phone vibrated again. “That shirt looks really good on you.” 

You blushed as you read the message, flustered by the comment. Brows knitting together in confusion, you looked up to find him staring back at you with a dopey grin. You hunched over your phone and sent a message back. “You really think so?”

“Yeah, of course,” Colby replied, a gray typing bubble sitting under the message. “But you know how it would look cuter?”

You cocked your head to the side and typed out your response. “How?”

“On my bedroom floor.” You almost snorted at that, clamping a hand over your mouth to prevent any noise from escaping. Typical. Thankfully no one had been paying enough attention to you to notice that you were distracted.

Colby, on the other hand, wasn’t so lucky. “Give me this, dude,” Sam said, snatching the phone out of Colby’s hand and effectively bringing the conversation on their side of the room to a halt. “You haven’t been listening for like the past 20 minutes, dude. Now let’s see what’s got you so distracted.”

“You don’t need to look at that, Sam, it’s not that important-” The tall brunette sounded slightly panicky as he reached and grappled with Sam for his phone. Sam played around for a little bit before finally reading the screen, eyes widening in amusement.

Upon finishing his reading, Sam lowered the phone and Colby relaxed, already knowing that he was caught. “So who’s ‘angelcakes,’ huh Colbert?” Sam prodded teasingly.

Colby blushed ever so slightly, rubbing the back of his neck. “They’re just a friend-”

“Which friend, huh?” Sam continued his teasing, growing louder and louder with every response until all eyes were on the two boys.

Colby shrugged, trying to be nonchalant but looking more stressed than ever in actuality. “Just a friend.”

“What do you say we call this friend, huh boys?” Sam suggested.

Kevin nodded, agreeing. “I think we definitely should.” Brennen also nodded when Sam looked to him for approval, essentially finalizing the decision.

“Okay then, let’s do this thing!” Sam yelled, earning cheers from all the other curious folks in the room. The blonde boy pressed call and Colby simply held his face in his hands.

You jumped when your phone rang, honestly having forgotten that oh shit, I’m angelcakes. Everyone turned to look at you curiously, Colby even peeking through his fingers. You didn’t even pick up the device, already knowing whose name would be lighting up the screen. “You gonna pick that up or something?” Corey asked awkwardly.

You shook your head, leaving your phone face down in its spot beside your thigh. “No, it’s probably not important anyways.”

A beat of heavy silence passed before Tara spoke. “Gee, they sure aren’t giving up. Maybe you should answer it.”

“Nah, I’m sure it’s just-”

“Yeah, you should answer the phone, Y/N,” Jake agreed, the pieces seeming to click in his head.

You sighed, burning bright red to the tips of your ears. “Okay okay, fine.” You stood and clicked the answer button. “Hello?”

And there it was, your voice echoing from Colby’s phone. The room erupted in cheers of disbelief, the boys pouncing on Colby and the girls slapping you in playful excitement. “I knew there was something going on between you two!! There’s no way there couldn’t have been -- I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!” Kat squealed, smushing you in a hug.

The rest of the girls echoed the sentiment, a chorus of ‘same’s and ‘I can’t believe you’s. It took a while for everyone to calm down but, once everyone settled, you and Cole managed to get some alone time. The two of you escaped out back, the less than mediocre breeze cooling the sweat that slicked your skin. You held each other, almost as though you were about to start slow dancing. “Damn, caught red handed, huh?”

You laughed breathily, leaning your forehead against his shoulder. “It was only a matter of time, ya know?”

“I know,” he agreed, cheek pressing against your hair. “I’m glad we don’t have to be weird around them anymore.”

“Me too,” you hummed.

Colby pulled away a little bit, just enough for him to look you in the eyes, your arms still around his neck. “Hey.”

You giggled, confused. “Hey.”

“I love you.”

You smiled your confirmation, eyes twinkling under the cheap backyard lights. “I love you.”

.x

[felassan]

DA4 Lead Producer Scylla Costa’s BIG Festival talk, “Challenges of Dragon Age production during the pandemic”, can currently be rewatched on YouTube here starting roughly at timestamp 8:57:02 after a lil presenter blurb/intro. It’s 1 hour long. When it was streamed live, there was an English translation ‘voiceover’. There isn’t in this vid, however I want to post the link for Portuguese speakers, and also it’s neat for everyone to be able to see all the slides he presented with for themselves in context.

I don’t know if an English-language version will get put up so I’m sharing the notes I took during the talk below, in case anyone’s interested and because I might as well since I wrote them. The rest of this post is under a cut due to length.

Edit: Found a place to re-watch the English version of the talk

(Quick note: I didn’t note down everything, mostly things that caught my interest, so this isn’t exhaustive, and when I was watching I was real tired, so pls bear that in mind and don’t take these notes as bullet-proof 100% accurate gospel or direct quotes. If you watched it and think I’ve written down something wrong/misunderstood, let me know and I’ll fix. Also if you’re a Portuguese speaker and I’ve gotten something incorrect or missed something important etc, again just let me know.) **

** Edit: I’ve now gone through my notes while watching the talk again. I’ve filled in some of the gaps (although they still don’t cover everything said) and so forth, and now I’m no longer worried about there being possible errors in this post.

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For some context, this slide contained the breakdown of the talk’s structure. Bear in mind there are other slides present in the talk than the ones I’ve posted here, I didn’t include caps of all of them, just ones which were of note to me.

In the talk, chief Producer Scylla goes over challenges of DA4 production during the pandemic. He discusses the adaptations - necessary skills and learning from remote work - and he ponders on the future of teamwork.

After the launch of ME3 he became a producer, all his MMO and other experience helped a lot. He was on DAI for 3 years and MEA for 9 months, then Anthem. Today, on DA4, Scylla and another Lead Producer were the heads of the whole project, and there is his boss is the Executive Producer Christian Dailey. 

^ the usual AAA game development cycle (brief introduction)

AAA games are games that are launched for several platforms simultaneously. 

In BioWare’s case, the pre-production phase of the game development cycle can have from 5 - 30 people, and up to almost 60 people when they’re just about to go through the gate to production. 

In the pre-production phase, they go through the game’s concepts and prototypes and start developing systems. They seek the game’s concept and focus, and its key features. They do lots of market research. In the case of BioWare, all their games are strong in narrative, so they have lots of tools related to game narratives and supporting the development of a narrative (cinematic design, dialogue system etc) that get focused on in this phase. Other parts of the team such as writers and cinematic design need these systems to do their own roles. 

In BioWare’s case, the pre-production phase through to launch can take 4 - 6 years, but it does depend on the size of the team during development.

With regards to Dragon Age 4, they were coming close to the time when they would shift from pre-production to the production stage when the pandemic hit.

During the production phase is when the development of content and features takes place, with the systems mostly already existing from the pre-production phase. A few new systems may be developed in this phase. In the production phase is when things start escalating, and the team really starts growing, to like 2- or 3-fold the prior pre-production phase size. 

(DA4 is currently in the production phase.)

In the alpha phase, features have to be fully implemented and systems all have to be running / working. All the game features should already be in the game by now. They test from pre-production onwards, but this phase is when they run heavy technical tests with lots of players trying to play at the same time. In the beta phase, the idea is that you should now have full content and that now you’re balancing it and running more and lots of different tests with players before launch. There are final tweaks and then the final launch, when in the weeks prior to launch, all the different business units and areas e.g. marketing team, technology team, publishing team, get together once a day and all of the game’s issues are reported and brought to the table to be prioritized. Then they decide the next steps re: these issues (this is known as ‘the war room’).

After the launch there are usually patches like day zero patches and other patches, this being standard industry practise. The last stage is the new content stage where there are DLCs and a game with more content.

On March 12th 2020, the team gathered to review the DA4 story in the new office. Everyone was very excited. (They had spent over 10 years in their last building and had noticed that with the team growing they needed more space. In August 2019 they found the new studio in the city center.)

Anyway that evening, they got an email from the CEO which contained instructions and said that due to the pandemic, they should from now all start working remotely. They had known that this happening was a possibility so they had been planning on how to have all the devs working from home, but initially less than 50% of the devs were able to work from home successfully/efficiently due to various issues e.g. you need a VPN to be able to log in remotely to do your job normally, varying home office setups. The day after this, the office was basically deserted, except for Scylla, the IT infrastructure people and one or two odd devs.

Scylla was part of the team that was working on allowing the devs to work from home. They first started looking at the short-term changes they needed to make to allow this.

“First, take care of our developers”. 

When the pandemic first hit, their and Scylla’s [as Lead Producer] first priority was to look after the devs. Many of them are parents (schools and day-cares were shut, children were studying from home), others have relatives living with them, others have other personal circumstances which of course need to be taken into account when it comes to assessing what needs to be taken into consideration for this new scenario. So, they looked at each dev on a case-by-case basis in order to evaluate, speaking to each one and asking them what they could do to support them.

One of the first changes/adaptations they could implement was flexible working hours and flexibility around deadlines. Generally speaking the devs got a lot of support, EA was really good and really supported the devs especially in the first months of the pandemic (and they are still supporting them). Initially not all devs had suitable office spaces at home, some were working from the living room from laptops or at the kitchen table. The whole covid situation basically just happened over night and nobody was really ready to deal with that change. So their first step was to enable their devs to work remotely. As a producer, Scylla’s main task is to communicate with the team such as via a number of daily meetings. He doesn’t depend so much on powerful hardware.

“Enable developers to work remotely”.

This slide shows some of a BioWare audio team. Different teams have varying and specific needs in order to do their jobs and therefore in order to do them remotely. For example, the audio team need good-quality speakers and amplifiers, while the lighting and art teams need other specific equipment such as tablets and large screens. So there was a lot of work they had to do to go through each dev to understand their individual needs and what needed to be done for them. ‘Could they download the builds? Did they have the right performance [tech-wise]? Could they submit their changelists, their codes to the server?’

Some devs needed a more powerful internet connection as it would take 6-8 hours to download a build (some devs live rurally). Some needed a lot of cable, as they were working far away from their routers (sometimes up to 50m). As time went by things got better and better. 

The chair devs work from is also important; a kitchen able chair etc is not suitable to sit in for long-term desk work, possibly leading to health issues like back ache and blood circulation problems in the legs.

Every 3 months they had money given to help devs buy new mice, keyboards, monitors - anything they needed really in order for their office setting at home to be improved. For a while, because lots of people [generally, in society] were needing and buying them, it was quite hard to buy things like webcams and microphones.

On mid- and long-term changes:

In terms of DA, we have to look at this from 2 perspectives, the change in the personal and the professional environments. 

As a consequence of working from home, people tend to be less active during the day (even in an office, you go between meeting rooms, up and down stairs etc). Physical activity supports life quality and therefore work quality. Scylla noticed that he began to feel listless and such, and found that he needed to change his routine that he had initially developed when he started working from home, for example; having a normal start time (as in, have a semblance of structure in your day as if you were still working in the office site), get dressed at the normal time, not having meetings over lunch etc. This wasn’t just him, lots of other devs encountered this and had this experience too. Devs which adapted faster had better productivity and became more productive faster.

Scylla bought a stand-up desk which he can raise up and down, and at meetings he would be delivering a talk while standing or even while walking on a treadmill. Other devs also got stand-up desks. He tracked his body’s data on a Fitbit. These sorts of things helped improve physical and mental wellbeing. Other devs did similar things, like starting going out for jogs or began practising yoga. Essentially, everyone needed to make changes to their daily routine in comparison to what they had been doing prior to the pandemic. 

The pandemic has been a thing for over a year now. In their location, every couple of weeks a new restriction is put into place or a rule is changed, and every two weeks there’s a new thing that you can and can’t do. Scylla also started moving around his property. He worked on his desk, fixed it up and painted - taking up a new hobby. Other devs picked up new hobbies too. These are good ways to be active and also to be somewhere else, i.e. to break up the working day and not be spending it all in one home office-type location. Scylla found that when he made these sorts of changes to his routine to improve his lifestyle, the data output by his Fitbit as indicators of his health/wellbeing etc improved, e.g. number of steps taken in a day, heartbeats per minute while at rest. As stated many of the other devs went through a similar process.

On the professional side of things:

They had to improve remote delivery of builds. Accessing things from home as a dev requires a VPN. They need to download a build every day and then upload it to the server after making their changes to the game. They had to work with infrastructure and research other tech, such as streaming tech to allow remote console access, in order to better facilitate this process. For remote access, they also had to work on adapting communications channels.

“Adapting channels of communication.”

In this slide, the team are working on the storyboards. Before you can implement motion capture & performance capture, you have to ‘run the storyboards’ like this. These are small illustrating drawings which reflect the drafts and are meant to quickly reflect the intention of the scenes that are to be built. Before the pandemic, the team would go to meeting rooms like this, sit down, talk and interact in person. After the pandemic, the question became ‘How do you do this over Zoom?’ You can, but it’s not quite the same; it’s harder to see peoples’ expressions, some people are embarrassed speaking over Zoom etc. Therefore they had to adapt their communications systems, and unlearn the ways in which they developed before in order to relearn and learn new ways of communicating.

Slack was a tool that they adopted on this front. Communications channels can be confusing on Slack, so there was a need to develop structure. For example, how quickly should someone reply (as a recommended convention for the purposes of work)? They had to define the process/procedures for the channels so it was clear for the team as a whole how it would all flow (this is important especially if you have a team with say 30 people or as a whole hundreds of people). Before the pandemic, they had stand-up meetings where they’d go around in a circle every morning and talk about their activities - what they’re going to be working on, any roadblocks they had encountered etc. The question arose ‘How do you replace these?’ They ended up doing Slack messages at a certain time of day and updating their statuses with some details on what they’re working on and color-coding (green - fine, yellow - need help, red - busy/blocked out).

Another issue that they faced was unforeseen - the number of meetings that devs were having really shot through the roof. When there wasn’t a good structure of communications channels, any conversation would become a meeting. Everybody began scheduling meetings left and right, and at the end of the day they would have little time left in which to actually work on their to-do lists. Hence, they had to work with the team to really analyze and be very pragmatic. ‘Which meetings needed to happen? Which didn’t? Is a specific meeting really necessary? Which meetings should be recurring? What can be done over Slack?’ This guideline had to be given to the team to help, and it improved things a lot. The number of meetings decreased a lot and they got more effective. For example, by making sure to set an agenda for meetings beforehand, and by having meeting notes (then a dev who didn’t really need to be at a meeting could skip attending and just quickly review the notes output after instead). They also decreased the standard length of meeting times from the default Outlook blocks of 1 hour and 30 mins to 55 mins and 25 mins respectively. This 5 minute change gave devs time for things like bio breaks (also 4 hours in a row at a computer in a home office with one meeting after another just isn’t good for a person).

“Adapting p-cap and mocap”.

On content:

From a content point of view, the most difficult thing in terms of the pandemic was adapting p-cap and mocap (performance capture and motion capture). They hire actors and it’s a large studio. The pandemic meant big limits to what they could and couldn’t do. The actors had to be masked and 5 meters apart in distance (although it doesn’t look like it in some of these shots due to angles). Also there could be no other person around in the studio - only the actors. The directors instead would ‘patch’ in remotely on big screens (you can see this in the second photo in the top right). 

Before the pandemic, they felt that they wouldn’t be able to do p-cap or mocap properly remotely, as the directors would usually stand right next to actors giving guidance on their performance. The techs would also usually be near. But they adapted! The keyword is adapting, changing process. It’s harder and it’s different, but it is possible, and people start rethinking what is possible. What was said to be impossible before now is possible.

P-cap differs to mocap in that it also captures voice and facial expressions.

On the future of work after covid:

There will probably be more working from home and more flexibility for workers e.g. being able to work say 3 out of 5 days from home. It does depend on what a dev’s specific job is however. For example, the audio engineers require lots of specialist equipment and said equipment is of higher quality and quantity in the office. So, depending on role, devs might be working more often or less often from home.

Another development is that lots of devs are moving house. In lockdown etc people started reassessing what’s most important in life. Some are moving further away from the studio to get a cheaper rent or for example couples who both needed an office space to work from home from but their current place only had one area. Others are moving closer to nature for a better quality of life, and still others have other different reasons for doing so. Over 10 devs that he knows in fact have recently moved, including Scylla himself.

The pandemic changed certain skills being used by people on a daily basis. Scylla used as an example of this one of his soft skills, being able to tell from looking/interacting in-person with someone if they are stressed out. Obviously it’s less easy to tell if someone is stressed out when you’re remote, so you adapt different ways of checking in with people in the new situation. To continue carrying out his role as Lead Producer, he began checking in with his team pro-actively on the new comms channels and asking how they were doing.

Also, now that companies are more open to working remotely, there is going to be increased competition for hiring devs. They saw both sides of this coin at BioWare. They were able to hire devs from many places that they couldn’t hire from before e.g. Montreal, Vancouver, the US, as there’s less need for devs to relocate to Edmonton or Austin. This opens up opportunities to hire really intelligent and skilled people that they would not have had access to before.

Question and answer segment:

The pre-production phase has been concluded. They’re in the production phase.

They are not giving out a lot of details yet but Scylla is really excited as a big fan of the whole series. He thinks that with DA4, they will have the opportunity/possibility to launch the best story out of all DA games. He feels that the characters they’re making are amazing. He’s dying to say more but can’t. 

When you work from home you need to keep your team as productive as possible. During the pandemic, when people started working from home, they noticed that some people became more productive and some people became less productive. They were analyzing it on a case-by-case basis so as not to make assumptions. They were interested in seeing what they could do to help. At the beginning of the pandemic, they were looking at the devs as people and seeing what they needed.

Production of DA4 still needed to continue during the pandemic because they want to be able to launch the game.

This slide shows a writer. Writing is an example of a role which is more able to work from home easily.

Their productivity did go down in the first month of the pandemic. After adaptations, some people then became more productive than they were before (this was role and personal situation-dependent, examples of this being artists and coders who were able to art and code at home without being interrupted, thereby being able to produce more). Covid has affected productivity in general, but this is part of our new reality. They have adapted and adjusted some deadlines. They have enough data (Scylla LOVES data) now to understand how long it will take them/how long they’ll need to launch the game. They have always had historical data for this purpose, but they’re doing more of this sort of thing now to ensure that they are doing things at the right time.

Remote hiring opens up the door to more talent joining, so if someone has talent geography will hold them back less. Some companies though may choose not to hire people from other countries due to labor issues, cumbersome legal aspects, time zones. But even in such cases there are activities for example that can be carried out while the rest of the team is asleep such as testing or working on the build, or there are cases where those companies still will want to hire a specifically/highly talented person even in spite of the potential legal aspects and so on.

On mental health: People were affected. There is the mental, physical and social impacts of the pandemic situation on people. EA supported them during the pandemic in terms of their mental wellbeing, there are specific companies (services offered, speaking to a therapist) that they can contact if they need something or help. EA had always been good at supporting them with this sort of thing but this has improved further during the pandemic. Another change was that they could/can take a couple of days off if they needed/need to because of the pandemic e.g. to take care of children, who were obviously not at school at the time. As a producer he had to be very mindful of all of this. How much they were monitoring peoples’ wellbeing really went up during the pandemic.

A question that was asked - in terms of DA4′s storybeats, is there anything in there that they decided to change due to the pandemic as it wouldn’t be sensitive or appropriate to include anymore, for example a plague plotline or something? Scylla’s answer is that DA and ME are games in which they try to have narratives that are relatable, which include things which people will identify with, so that players understand what characters are going through etc. Nothing in DA4′s plotline/storybeats has been changed (in the frame of this question, relating to the pandemic), as it didn’t have anything in it that could be specifically or a directly connected to a pandemic-type situation or anything. Of course the DA story has Blights and the Taint, but these are different & fantastical things and existed long before the pandemic situation. So this wasn’t the case with DA4 and there was no need to change anything, but this has happened to other games where they decided to change a storyline due to a strong correlation with something in the real world.

There were then concluding/closing remarks. The message he wants to send is that a crisis will always spark opportunities. Look at a crisis and try to see how you can grow.

-----

[☕ found this post interesting or useful? my ko-fi is here if you feel inclined. thank you 🙏]

[mattsboldyy]

The 24 Days in the Bubble | WJ Canada

CHAPTER 3 | SELECTION CAMP

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Summary- Selection Camp begins. Y/N and Kaiden begin getting closer. Y/N also makes some new friends. Selection camp can’t be that bad, right? And final cuts are made. Does Y/N make it onto the final roster?

Requested- No! Idea come from myself :)

Words- 2k

Warnings- mentions of covid, fem!reader, covid testing, cuss words,

Requests- Closed for now :)

Taglist: @2manytabsopen @prettyboyjackhughes @sorokns @ricohenrique @cherrylita @tonyspep @lovereadinghockeyy @only-goalies-allowed @hawksgirl1 @mysoftboybowen @hoespill​ @tysonsjosty @cherrybarzy

Authors note- I got all of my information from google, websites, & from the documentary Team Canada put out based off of the 2021 Tournament therefore, some information that takes place in this series may be false, but just know that I got all my information from the documentary and the internet. Thank you and enjoy!

-

-

-

NOVEMBER 16, 2020

“Hey Y/N!” Kirby said, as you entered the locker room where you, and 46 boys were dressing for the start of selection camp.

”Hey Dacher!” You said, walking over to your stall, putting down your backpack, and pulling out your phone to text your family.

’About to go in for the first day of selection camp! Love you guys!’ Was the text you typed out to the groupchat you had made with your best friends and family before hitting the send button and putting your phone away.

“Alrighty guys, are you already?” Andre said, adjusting his mask.

A mix of “Yeah!” and “Yes!” were thrown around the room.

After getting out on the ice, selection camp in Red Deer began. 

“Hey, you’re doing great out there!” Kaiden said, skating up to you and tapping his stick on your kneepad. 

“Thanks Kaiden! Not to bad yourself!” You said, touching his helmet as he went back to skating and stickhandling.

“Soooo what's that about?” Jamie asked, when you turned toward the other end of the ice, not realizing he was standing there.

“Holy shit Jamie! What are you doing here?” You asked, eyes wide.

“Uhh I’m at selection camp... why wouldn’t I be? But you and Kaiden like each other. Just admit it.” Jamie asked, giggling and wrapping his arm around your shoulder, pulling you into his side.

“What? No!” You said, skating away from him and hearing Jamie laugh so hard you were sure he had tears coming out of his eyes.

Anyways, you couldn’t really decide if it selection camp was easy or not. You couldn’t feel your legs, and it seemed like nobody else could either. Andre and the assistant coaches made all of the players stick handle, timed skates to the far blue line and back, and a few of the players helped the goalies by shooting slap shots at them and acted like you were in a shoot out. 

-

-

NOVEMBER 21, 2020

You were just about to leave your room to go to the locker room for the first intersquad game when you heard your phone ringing. You looked over and saw that Andre was calling you. 

“Hello?” You asked, picking up your backpack from the floor, sitting down on the hotel bed.

“Y/N? We just found out that a non-core staff member tested positive for covid and they had come in contact with assistant coaches, Michael Dyck and Jason Labarbera so they are quarantining. We don’t have to cancel the intersquad games so far, though. Just a heads up and wanted to let you know.” Andre said.

“Oh I hope they’re okay! Thank you for letting me know!” You said.

“Yep, no problem. See you in a few minutes.” Andre said, hanging up.

You put your phone in your back pocket and sighed. This was the type of stuff you would have to deal with.. and really what anyone in the bubble would have to deal with. You put your mask on and opened your hotel room door, and headed to the locker room of the area you and 46 other guys were playing at.

-

“Y/N! Y/N!” Kirby called, passing the puck to you. ‘Shoot the puck. Shoot the puck.’ was all that you were thinking while skating as fast as you can down the ice. You shot it, and it went in, past the goalie that would possibly be on the final roster along with you, and a bunch of other guys. “Yeah!” Kirby said, hugging you and laughing while your other linemates tapped each others helmets. You gave your bench high fives and sat down on the bench as the puck dropped again. “Nice job.” Jamie said, tapping your helmet as you sat down next to him. “Thanks!” You said. 

A few minutes later, when the period ended, you stood up from your seat on the bench when you heard someone calling your name. You turn and see Kaiden.

“Hey Y/N! That was a sick goal!” Kaiden said, smiling down at you.

You laughed. “Thank you Kaiden!” 

“Yeah well I better score one or else I can’t be here with you on the final roster.” Kaiden said, laughing.

“What? What if I’m not on the final roster? Why so sure of yourself, Guhle?” You asked.

“Y/N, you’re an amazing player. Why wouldn’t you be on the final roster?” Kaiden said, looking at you.

“T-thanks. You’re an amazing player too.” You said, heart starting to beat faster.

“Well Jamie is probably going to come looking for us if you don’t go.” Kaiden said, smiling at you.

“Yeah! Stalkerrr vibess!!! Anyways, see ya Kaiden, and good luck!” You said, turning around and fast walking down the tunnel.

‘Why does Kaiden make you feel like this if I only liked him as a friend? I mean he does have a really cute smile, and face, and hair, and... oh my god. Do I have a crush on Kaiden?’ You thought while walking into the dressing room.

-

“You’ve got something on your mind?” Braden asked, while sitting in his stall.

“Not really, just focused on the game.” You said, smiling over at Braden, knowing the words that just came out of your mouth was a complete lie.

“Okay.. but Y/N.. I’m always here to talk if you need me.” Braden said, getting up from his stall and going over to the dressing room door as the 2nd period was just about to start.

Maybe you should talk to Braden. Especially since you didn’t have your mom or best friends to talk to in person. You thought Braden would be a safe space to talk to about things. 

-

-

NOVEMBER 24, 2020

“Y/N?” Andre said through the phone, with his voice sounding a bit stressed and frantic.

“Hey! What’s up?” You ask, putting your stick tape in your bag, getting ready to head down to the locker room for the last intersquad game.

“Two of the players tested positive for covid. We have to post-pone the last game. I just wanted to let you know so you don’t get all of your stuff together for nothing. Have a great day and contact me, Michael, or Mitch if you have any symptoms.” Andre said.

“Oh my god. Okay that you Andre. You stay safe too.” You said before hanging up and immediately texting the group chat with you, Kaiden, Kirby, Braden, Jamie. The people you were closest with during this whole quarantine thing. 

‘guys did you hear about the covid positives?’ You type out, hitting send and immediately seeing speech bubble pop up on your screen.

Kaiden Guhle :)

Yeah. I’m disappointed. That means we’re stuck in this hotel room for 14 days.

Kirby Dach

It sucks. We’ll get through it though.

Jamie Drysdale

Yeah. It sucks a lot. What the hell am I supposed to do in a hotel room that I’m trapped in for 14 days?

Braden Schneider

Guys we will be fine. I hope.

Jamie Drysdale

YOU HOPE?

Kaiden Guhle :) 

Okay guys, calm down. Let’s all facetime, okay?

Me

i’m in.

-

You and the group chat ended up facetiming for two hours. You told your parents about the two covid cases among the players. They were scared you were going to get covid, but you told them about the 14 day hotel room situation and they calmed down. (thankfully)

You had to get used to this. It was part of being “apart of camp.”

-

-

DECEMBER 8, 2020

Some time had pasted and December finally had come. Well, you shouldn’t be that excited about it. It meant cuts and the final cuts to the roster were coming. Kaiden and a bunch of other people were very reassuring when it came to your worries about being cut. 

Coach Andre made an announcement via email stating that the first cuts had been made. The players were, Matthew Robertson, Mason Millman, Xavier Simoneau, Daemon Hunt, and Ridly Greig, leaving you and 41 other players in camp. 

When you read the email, and didn’t see your name, you felt like a weight was lifted off your shoulders... but, you still had 3 more days till the final cuts were made from the roster.

-

-

DECEMBER 10, 2020

That day, seven more players were cut from camp. The players being goalies Brett Brochu and Tristan Lennox, and forwards Adam Beckman, Tyson Foerster, Hendrix Lapierre, Cole Schwindt, and Shane Wright, leaving you and 34 other players in camp.

‘One more day.’ Was what you were telling yourself, trying to ease the anxiety of being cut.

“You aren’t going to get cut, Y/N/N. I know your not.” Kirby reassured you through facetime.

“We’ll see Kirby, we will see.”

-

DECEMBER 11, 2020 (FINAL CUTS TO THE ROSTER)

You heard a knock at your hotel door, quickly getting up from your bed, and tossing on a hoodie. When you opened the door, you saw a few staff members and one seemed to be holding a phone.

“Hey Y/N! We have a few people who want to talk to you!” The staff member said, making you put on a confused face before them handing you the phone. You saw your mom, dad, and brother gathered all around the screen.

“Hey sweetie!” Your mom said.

“Hi guys!” You said, looking down at the phone, seeing a bunch of smiley parents and brother.

“Congratulations, honey! You made it onto the final roster for Team Canada!” Your dad said, your mouth immediately dropping and looking at the camera crew and staff members, wiping tears that came down your face from being so happy.

“Really? I really did it?” You asked, jumping up and down.

“This is not a reaction we’ve gotten before.” One of the staff members mumbled to the other, slightly chuckling. 

After saying goodbye to your mom, dad, brother, and staff members, you went back into your hotel room and immediately check your email, making sure you, Kirby, Kaiden, Jamie, or Braden weren’t cut from the roster as they were the people you were closest to.

“We’ve made the final cuts to the roster. Team Canada is releasing forwards Mavrick Bourque, Graeme Clarke, Gage Goncalves, Seth Jarvis, Samuel Poulin, and Jamieson Rees and defensemen Lukas Cormier, Ryan O’Rourke, and Donovan Sebrango. Thank you.” You mumbled out, not seeing any of your friends names, smiling even wider. You then texted Kaiden to congradulate him. 

Wow, you did it. You really did it.

[own-history]

What has been bugging me a lot since I got covid is how many people are convinced about covid being mild, especially when you’re vaccinated. I got my booster and vaccination and my case is pretty awful. While I don’t have to rush to the hospital, my sense of taste is off, my voice disappears every second day. I cough up blood because my throat is so sore, when my voice is back and I try to talk I am overwhelmed with coughs and struggle to breathe.

And I always knew I had asthma and allergies and whenever I got sick my throat and lungs were the most affected by any sickness I had. And I told that to all the people I once considered close to me. And all of them were like: „Ahhh poor you, but you’re young. I don’t think you‘ll have a severe case of covid. You‘ll be sick for three days like I was and then will be fine. Young people are not affected that badly! :):):):)“ and now I am sitting here, being affected by it quite a lot and what bugs me the most is that I cannot bear to sit at a table in the future with those people shrugging their shoulders about my severe case and try to brush it off as „a lack of vitamin d“ or „you should have tried xyz“. Like no… I have pre-existing conditions, I knew this was going to affect me severely, because I know my body and my history. I told you all that and nobody wanted to listen to me. (Funny side note: the same people who do not take my pre-existing conditions seriously are furious when a doctor doesn’t take them seriously about their pain and sicknesses but they do not realise how they are doing the same to me…)

And furthermore I am reminded of this lecture of Judith Butler I once attended where she talked about „grievability“ and how that concept relates so much to me and other people with disabilities. Our lives are often not considered grievable enough. We are considered expendable and people need to be able to shrug their shoulders about our health conditions because otherwise they would probably never be able to „go out and have fun and party and travel the world“, because to them their life of luxury is worth more than the right to live for a disabled person. Our lives as disabled people are always considered expendable, unless our disability provides a unique talent which can be exploited by capitalism. It is so sickening to me to lay here in my bed, coughing and struggling for a calm breath, while others look at me and just say: „we need to learn to live with this virus“ yeah… you get to live with it. Others will die or be severely impaired. Good for you that you get to „live with it“ while others don’t. I hope you feel #blessed and live your life to the fullest, while there is still a huge portion of people suffering from this pandemic. The fact that we enter a day and age where arguments of „survival of the fittest“ spark up so frequently and those arguments are used so normally is disheartening to me.

It is not survival of the fittest that has brought us this far, it is our compassion for others, our empathy, our willingness to help others that has brought us this far. If we would take the ideology of survival of the fittest to the test, infants would literally die if they were not being cared for by parents or other people. We exist only because other people have cared for us in some way, shape or form. for others to sit on their throne and wield the sword of Damocles, deciding who gets to live or die because they prefer fun and joy over empathy and nurturing others is so baffling. At what point did you miss the mark at what point did you become so heartless monsters that made you say such vicious things?

I am beyond tired of having conversations with people who say the pandemic has been soooo hard for them because of xyz and that it is time to go back to normal for them and that others need to take care of themselves now. Like we have all been going through it. And yes there are others who are better off than others and people less affected by being alone. But your struggles can be talked about and addressed. What is not okay is for those people to run around and say stuff like: „take care of yourself. Just isolate on your own.“ like… that is not how this stuff works. Before we could very easily see friends and family if people regularly isolated for a few days and got tested. If everybody follows this „great advice“ there are no safe spaces for disabled people to go to, because literally every place will turn into a huge risk. That wasn’t the case before. And besides: covid tests don’t do their work any more. I did the rapid tests for four six days and only on my third day of symptoms I started to test positive for covid. This is all spinning way out of control.

Why is my life considered expendable or less grievable? Because it is what other people‘s minds tend to do in order to stay sane and keep things simple. I just wish that people would learn to see beyond that one day and find out that every life is grievable. That every life is worth saving.

[aprillikesthings]

My itinerary is NUTS

I think I have one reservation left to make (the city pass) and then I don't have any Iceland expenses until I'm literally there?

OKAY.

This is all subject to cancellation For Obvious Reasons:

Thursday, September 9: Fly in just after 6am (which my body will think is 11pm...), buy snacks and possibly alcohol at the duty-free, take bus to Blue Lagoon, stay as long as I like (or until I get hungry--their food is expensive even for Iceland), take bus rest of the way into Reykjavik. Drop off suitcase at my guesthouse if they let me. Find and eat food. Buy some groceries (at Vegan búðin if I can) and/or yarn, depending on timing. (Guesthouse check-in is 3pm.) My plans are loose after that depending on how early I realize I feel like I've been run over, but general shopping-as-sight-seeing seems likely. I'm hoping to make it to like, 9pm before passing out. Jet lag, PMS, and lack of sleep vs. my body always perking up in the evening: who will win?!

Friday: Gonna have a city pass that gets me free entry into a bunch of museums plus bus fare. I need to look up the museum list on a map; I know there's some I really want to see like the open-air museum, and some that aren't a priority. I think it also gets me up the elevator to the top of Hallgrímskirkja? (Note to self to look up the hours of things; a lot of museums have pretty short hours.)

Saturday: Daytime plans are loose. Might see some things that the museum pass doesn't cover, like The Phallological Museum. (Edit: need to rent trekking poles!) That evening I have a reservation for a bus/hike to the volcano, though. :D :D :D (Here's hoping the weather cooperates. If the lava gives us a good show--it's been super off-and-on--that's a nice bonus!)

Sunday: Depending on soreness/exhaustion level, and how shy I'm feeling, go to church at Hallgrímskirkja, despite the service being in Icelandic. (They do have an English-language service once a month, but not while I'm there.) Go to the big Olympic pool with the twisty slide I remember from when I was a kid, maybe?

(The guy who does most of the youtube videos for Grapevine has a walking tour, but it's a little pricey. I'd get to meet his dog Polly, though!)

That's the afternoon/evening I have tickets to see Björk at Harpa, though; assuming it's not postponed. I might be too busy vibrating in excitement to do anything lolol.

Monday: bus tour along the South coast! Pretty beaches! At least one waterfall! A glacier? I forget what else is on the list tbh but it's a like, 9-hour trip, phew.

Tuesday: get my rapid-antigen covid test required to get on the plane home. Otherwise a chill day. Go swimming if I didn't on Sunday. Maybe even if I did, there's certainly enough pools, lol.

Wednesday: Golden Circle bus tour (Þingvellir, Gullfoss, the geothermal park with the geysir Strokkur). It also stops at a farm that's famous for ice cream made from the milk of the cows that live there, which is pointless for me (who knows, maybe they'll have fruit sorbet?), but going by pictures and reviews you also get to pet Icelandic sheep and horses and cows, which is the real reason I picked the tour that included the farm, lol.

Thursday: Take city bus to Keflavik, get off near where my old house was (I've looked, there's a stop really close by), walk around awkwardly with a wheely suitcase for ...I think I have two hours? before getting back on that bus to take it the rest of the way to the airport four hours before my flight leaves because right now coming and going takes longer than usual due to having to present the negative covid test. Ponder buying Brennivín despite the fact that I rarely drink anymore. I will probably buy some candy including Opal licorice, though. Possibly this is when I fill my suitcase with enough presents for people that I have to check the damn thing lol.

Looser things to fit in around other plans: walking or bicycling along the waterfront area, including getting a selfie with The Sun Voyager (a big metal sculpture thing). Taking the ferry to Videy island to walk around and enjoy the views. Lazily perusing a bookstore's English section. Drinking tea or coffee in a cafe while knitting or reading. Eating too many baked goods and drinking far too much coffee.

I have a list of people I plan to send postcards to, which reminds me I need to text some people for addresses. (The list is admittedly short, in part because mailing postcards to the states from Iceland is like $2 a pop, and sending it from Iceland is like half the point.)

There's also an assortment of goofy tourist-trap types of things like Perlan (museum-y stuff), and FlyOver Iceland (which is basically a high-tech immersive movie). There's a place that dresses you up like a Viking and takes professional photos for $100 that, honestly, looks dorky but fun. I think there's one that replicates the aurora, as well?

Speaking of which: there's already been some pretty strong aurora activity this year, so if there's a night with an aurora and decent weather, there's tour companies that either drive you to a more remote location or put you on a boat to see it without the light pollution of the city.

My original plans included going out dancing/drinking one night--the bar scene in Reykjavik is notorious, and I wanted to at least stop in at Kiki Queer Bar for a bit. But the recent spike in cases has been attributed to people (including locals) going to bars/clubs, where it's impossible to social distance and people have to yell to talk to each other and nobody is wearing masks.

In general my plan is to eat the free cold breakfast at the guesthouse every morning, eat less-expensive grab'n'go meals or ones I make at the guesthouse when I can, and limit myself to an average of one (1) meal in a restaurant most days. Partially because food in Iceland is just expensive. Partially to limit my exposure. (Outdoor dining is limited during a time of year that's likely to be 50f with wind and/or rain, okay.)

I fully expect that I'm going to be more thorough/paranoid about mask-wearing than the locals. I know the tour buses all require and enforce mask-wearing, and IIRC the ones I reserved are all smaller groups (less than 20). But I'm already at way more risk than a lot of tourists who rent cars/campervans and only see people at waterfalls and campgrounds and gas stations.

What happens if I test positive before I leave? I get to quarantine in a non-fancy hotel in Iceland for ten days on their dime. They even bring food to your door. This is obviously not ideal for many reasons, especially if I do actually feel ill, so yeah. Gonna be careful about the masking etc. while I'm there.

[sylleblosscm]

Friends, it’s very late where I am, but there’s something I gotta say my piece about. It’s not relevant to ~all this~, but it is deeply concerning to me, and if I can get ahead of even just one person taking onboard misinformation, then good. 

 There’s a news article I’ve seen floating around a few times now, about a man who was denied a heart transplant for refusing to get the covid vaccine. From someone who has been through the transplant process (for my kidney - three years strong, yo) and open-heart surgery, I feel uniquely qualified to point out how this article being used as antivax propaganda is mega bullshit. 

 Here’s the thing friends, contrary to popular opinion, organs are not allocated on a first come, first served basis. There’s no “taking turns” here. That’s why some people are on the list for years, and some, only weeks. As it was explained to me, when an organ is ready for transplantation, an algorithm sorts through candidates to find a potential match who will suit it based on blood typing, tissue typing, etc., then a human must choose the most viable patient based on a number of factors. From the conversations I have had with professionals, it’s a gruelling and at times callous field of medicine, but by necessity. Nobody is taking pleasure in denying anybody a life-saving transplant. There simply aren’t enough to go around - therefore, the organ must be matched with the person who will likely get the most out of it. A “greater of two goods” sort of thing.

 One such criteria that patient are assessed on is their health, organ failure notwithstanding. The fact of the matter is: vaccination was already a requirement for transplantation. I cannot stress that enough. You must, must, must be up-to-date with all your vaccines to even be considered. Your weight, lifestyle, and smoking habits will also be taken into account. This is not to discriminate against anyone, but once again, to give the organ the best chance at longevity. It’s harsh, but there’s no point in giving someone a whole entire heart that might last 20 years, if they’re going to die from a vaccine-preventable illness in six months. Furthermore, doctors kind of want anyone in the best possible condition before undergoing major surgery. Something as huge as opening up someone’s actual beating heart comes with all kinds of risks. It is any medical team’s duty of care to minimise those risks as much as possible, but as the patient, you gotta look out for your own health too, dude. It sucks, but you know what sucks harder? Dying from organ failure.

 Along that vein, another major factor is patient compliance. Transplant recipients are put on an array of medications, namely: immunosuppressants to stop the body rejecting the new organ, and other stuff to offset the side effects of those immunosuppressants. Even one or two missed doses can spell disaster, so you really need to be diligent. On top of that, the immediate followup after a transplant is f u c k i n g  b r u t a l, especially from someone who’s just undergone such a major surgery. From there, it’s regular checkups, blood tests, scans, and all manner of poking and prodding. And that’s not even going into the lifestyle changes. In short: if you’re about to kick up a stink over one needle, how are you going to cope with such a demanding mecial regime? How can your doctor trust you’ll trust them in the future? Arguing with medical professionals is the worst way to prove you’re a viable candidate for tranplantation. I know medical gaslighting is a thing, I’ve experienced it myself - but by and large, these people know what they’re doing, they do it every day, and you always have the right to a second opinion. And a third, if need be. But when your whole team is telling you, “get a needle and we can save your life”. Get your ass of nazi twitter and do it.

 And finally, just to reiterate: the field of organ transplantation is wonderful, and it’s brutal. There’s just not enough to go around, and so much misinformation out there to combat. If you haven’t, and you’re able, please consider signing up to donate once you pass. 

 Tl;dr: it’s not a culture war thing, it’s literally always been this way. 

[bisexualhobi]

I miraculously came across your blog and omg what a huge happiness it has been!!! Thank you so much for existing srsly like it can be too dramatic to say this but i am so so happy that there are still people who are sane and see the huge cruelty of this covid situation. I was LIVID with what jk did. And no i won’t say oh the company forces them, members are as guilty as that shady disgusting company. All these years the fans deluded themselves (i’m talking about sensible ones here not the braindead cult) into saying bts must have to go through whatever the company says etc… but no! They do have a say to change what the company ‘forces on them’ as they are the biggest tool the company have. They arent some broke nugus, these are all multi millionaires who could say NO to the shit hybe does, they just don’t. Seeing how with a mediocre overnight ‘concert’ where they barely peform but are still able to make millions i do think these men are also just in it to milk fans. At least give a worthy performance wtf?! Like you said so they made bank from crying about ‘uuuu covid ruined my life uuuu’ yet they are now actively spreading it to innocent ppl like?!!!! Jk literally flew while being positive, i cannot believe their audacity to do this?! I’m still in shock, they literally flew him outside the country in secret like a fucking criminal (which uhm he’s to me) and nobody saw traces… hybe is allowed to do anything now who knows how many horrible disgusting shit they are all doing on the daily. There is just so many things that disgusts me and it’s getting unbearable seeing braindead ppl still uwu over these men when they’re actively endangering innocent lives DURING AN ONGOING PANDEMIC. Nevermind the fact that how everything they do and say is literal bs and lies. And where is the notice of hoseok testing negative huh?? Even if he did test negative he can still spread it but they don’t even need to lie about a negative test since everyone is giving them a green light for a possibly bought trophy to get back to the country. I do hope they somehow still wont get it though, i wanna see them embarrassed and realize in the worst way all the lives they have put into danger. I’m just rambling and all but i also reached a huge exhaustion point finally, i think i cannot stomach looking at their bs anymore especially when they’re actively dangering lives for their leisure. All this time i somehow must’ve remained hopeful for a change cuz i have been fed up for so long yet remained around lurking but they are only getting worse and vile.. Thank you for stating your opinions and thank you for all your anons too!! You have no idea how relieved i was to see your asks and answers. I wish you the most beautiful day ♥️♥️

Hey thanks so much for taking the time to send this~ i'm glad you found me and that you enjoy the blog!! sending you a hug

[lokilickedme]

Submitted by @fudgemuffinanon

Ok I think I’m up to date….

1. HOLY SHIT WOMAN! You had Covid and just learned about it? How did you find out? Was it with a test? And you handled the asshat at the grocery store way better than I would have. I’m not patient, nor diplomatic, and I have major RBF syndrome… The temper goes with the face more ofter than I care to admit…

2. Your grandmother’s story was incredible. I know you don’t need another project but this could be a beautiful book. No fandom incorporated, just her story.

3. As @mollage said, the Universe is after you! But you may be one of the strongest woman I know, going through all your adventures with that attitude. Thank you Elizabeth for passing down your fiery spirit!

4. With everything that happened to you in the last few weeks, I can’t expect you to write anything. I’ll just wait and take what you give us. Fuck, I just have to deal with Baby Girl’s online school - Big Boy is responsible enough to deal with his class mostly alone - and I have to tell her to go back to the computer every 5 minutes and I’m going NUTS! And we have one more month to go…

Ontario has been in stay-at-home order since April 8th, and non-essential stores MAY reopen mid-June at 15% capacity and outdoor activities in small groups MAY resume IF we have 60% of population vaccinated with their first dose. We’re about 58% now according to Health Minister but they stopped giving Aztra as first dose, so all the pharmacies that could give it now can’t. There’s a lot less Pfizer and Moderna doses available so I don’t know how fast it will happen. But it means I will most likely get my second dose quicker than August. Yay me! Second phase won’t happen until we get 70% 1st dose vaccination. So we’re stuck for a while. We’re going out in the woods for walks once in a while so we don’t get too close to people but I want to go to a fabric store sooooo bad!! I’m done picking ticks off hubby everytime we get out.  And I’m running out of crafts to learn on youtube. 

Ok, enough ranting…  gotta go finish knitting Baby girl’s bday gift. A 6" turtle. With clothes. And a shawl. And boots. Yeah… Love ya!

*******************************************************

Fudgey!!

Yup. All four of us had covid back in November of 2019, before it broke wide and before anyone really knew it was in the US. Husband was able to track it back to a coworker who’d returned from a family visit to China (he works with a large community of Asian Americans who travel back and forth a lot). The coworker came home sick, and shortly after that our household got the worst “flu” any of us have ever had (that was what we thought it was, a weirdly violent flu that hit each of us differently). I’ve never been sicker in my life, my husband thought I was going to die and he claims I told him to just let me go if it looked like I wasn’t going to make it. I’m pretty sure I meant it…it was that bad. I may have actually requested an assist to the other side at one point.

So anyway, a little while later it broke wide and when the symptom lists started coming out we started wondering if that wasn’t what we’d had. Husband finally a few weeks ago went and talked to the guy that had come back sick from overseas and the guy said “Oh yeah, I had the covid, did you get it too?”

By that time there had been approximately 150 known cases at husband’s workplace and six confirmed deaths from it. Grrrr.

At this point it was too late for us to get confirmed, but husband contacted a friend in Colorado who is a covid specialty ER nurse and described our symptoms and the timeframe of our illness to her. She said we absolutely had it - she’d had it too during that same timeframe, before it broke wide and before anyone knew what it was.

So now all my lingering weird-ass symptoms make sense. Big and Little are fine, they don’t seem to have any long-term problems, though I’m keeping an eye on them (especially Big). Husband is fine as well. Me? I took it in the seat of the pants, but like I was telling someone the other day, as soon as one of the longhaul clinics sets up here I’m gonna be there.

The putz in the grocery store was nothing unusual for here. What really gets me is the way people glare at us for continuing to wear masks - it’s almost scary. WTF is wrong with people.

Glad you liked my grandma’s story. Honestly I don’t know enough to write a book about her without having to speculate on a lot of in-between stuff because she was a very secretive person (probably for a good reason tbh) but what a tale it would be. She was a mess :D My mother has always been mad at me for taking after her - she never liked my grandmother much, there was some bad blood between them from decades back, and yeah that’s kind of a good story too lol

Ah, speaking of writing, I’m going to toss out a short chap of that silly self indulgent side-thing for The Department tonight (probably as soon as I send this reply off) and then I’m shooting for a chapter of the actual fic tomorrow at some point. Taking advantage of the husbandary absence (yes I know that’s not a word but it works)

I feel ya on the homeschooling - the boys finished their semester two weeks ago and the stress of that final week for Big (9th grade) was insane.

I wish we were under a stay-at-home order, but where I live hardly anyone obeyed it when we WERE. I love living here but I swear sometimes the people make me want to move off-planet just to find a higher intelligence demographic.

Anyway, I gotta see this turtle when you’re finished with it. You mentioned it so now you gotta show it. I’m going to bug you every day until you provide pictures because even though I can crochet a blanket like nobody’s business I cannot crochet a doll to save my own ass. Gonna have to rely on you for that ;P

@fudgemuffinanon

[derinxfam]

Match Made In Heaven

♡ AU: Devil! Taehyung x Angel! Reader

♡ Genre: mostly smut, tiny angst and fluff

♡ Word Count: 3.6 K

♡ Warnings: edging, teasing, nipple kink, lactation, oral sex (female receiving), praise kink, corruption kink, purity kink, mentions of rape, big dick Tae, light bdsm, light spanking, daddy kink

♡ Synopsis:  Every year, an angel falls to Hell ever since the Devil and God made a contract. Every angel gets tested. The angel with the lowest score gets sent to Hell as a sacrifice. Despite her top position, Xan, an archangel, volunteers due to personal reasons. The Devil, Taehyung, hurts her - in the best way.

♡ A/N: crossposted on AO3. inspired by btsracket and their story on AO3, “Smutty Fanfic In The Time Of Covid”, especially chapter 37. Please tell me if I should continue this and give me feedback! likes, comments, all appreciated.

Archangels aren’t supposed to question. Archangels aren’t supposed to be flawed. Archangels aren’t supposed to disobey and they’re certainly not supposed to yearn for a touch. God created them meticulously. Archangels strive for perfection. Humans hinge on them.

So why has God planted this grotesque behaviour inside you? You don’t feel or act utmost. Your attitude steered away from what’s expected, no, what’s imposed on you.

“Lola. Xanders. Avonne! Don’t tell me you’re daydreaming again!” Minzy tears your peace away from you.

“Zee, I just lost someone dear to me a week ago. Let me grieve. God gave us grief for a reason,” you demand that she empathises instead of pestering, which doesn’t work.

“Xan, look, I loved that kid. What was his name? Andy?”

“Abby,” you interrupt.

“Right, Abby. I loved him, you know? He gave you a reason to wake up in the morning. But he’s dead, Xan. God wanted his soul here.”

You inevitably roll your eyes at that. Like you’ve done something, anything other than contemplating why God took his soul. Worse yet, he took it and put it in hell. The worst thing Abby had ever done was scoffing at a friend or side eyeing his parents. You committed more menacing deeds than he did, and you were carved from gold and purity itself. Nothing could help you wrap your head around it. The computing didn’t prove right. Abby deserved to be here with you, his guardian angel, in heaven.

“Yeah, you’re right, Zee,” you agree. She must have weeded out the surrendering timbre of your voice. The next gesture she wears is raising her eyebrows. She’s in obvious disbelief. You don’t care.

“Xan, look, the annual sacrifice is in two days. Don’t be this year’s unfortune,” she dishes out with a matter-of-fact stance. A deep sigh bubbles in your lungs, which you swallow. Deep down, you don’t doubt that her heart is in a good place. But yours isn’t anymore.

*

Studying for the exam was no different than a walk in the park for you. Of course you got the maximum grade. You couldn’t keep count of how many times you’ve been congratulated. You suppressed a grimace each time. You reflexively faked a smile just for this situation.

After an ego boosting week, square one welcomed you with open arms again. Your unfiltered thoughts portrayed a miserable image. Day by day, sinning appeased you. Abby was still a dead, and a so called, sinful man. It didn’t add up. He wasn’t even 20. He had not one addiction. Worse souls have entered the heaven. All of it urged you to yell at God for the first time. You’ve always been a peculiarly top notch archangel. Always kind, considerate and soft headed, your exemplary behaviour levered you to the top. God even sent you a handwritten letter of appreciation. You were the big deal. If only they knew how rotten and infuriated you felt… How dare you question God and his motives? How dare you read a book about the Devil?

Your mind, however, was made up. You would volunteer for the annual sacrifice. You were in for a treat. From what you’ve gathered, the Devil was called Taehyung. Even uttering his name counted as a sin here, the biggest blasphemy. He was as old as time, and a fallen angel. The parallels you observed during your reading would make you gulp in panic. He rebelled against the god, for he believed humans aren’t to be worshipped. From then on, he fell into the hell and has been running the fiery place ever since. The deal he and God made stipulated that he would choose one angel each year, and keep her. Nobody knew what he did with them for sure, but it was speculated that he would use them for his evil deeds. Some angels would become his playthings, endlessly pleasuring him. Each year there would be an exam and the angel with the lowest grade would be sacrificed. Nobody has ever stepped forward to replace them.

You were about to change that.

*

The day you dread has come. It agitates you that you must leave for good, leaving everyone behind. The worst part is, they don’t even know. Would they even bat an eye if they did? You suspect that. Hell doesn’t house archangels, at least it wasn’t created to do so. The stories you’ve heard from your friends about the sacrificed angels that communicated with heaven always send shivers down your spine. You feel small. So small. You wonder if that’s how Abby felt. However, you double down. Cowardice is not a trait you obtain. You can fall as a heroine, or live here like a liar. You pick the latter.

Once everyone has gathered, the Council showed up. All the angels got lined up and bowed down. One of the women cleared her throat and addressed the crowd.

“Welcome, the blessed ones! We’ve gathered here to choose the annual sacrifice. First, let’s congratulate the consecutive winner, Lola Xanders Avonne. This is her 6th year at the top, a round of applause and a standing ovation, please.”

Well – this will certainly make it harder for you to volunteer. You stand there awkwardly. One last time, the rest of the angels stroke your ego. You’ll miss bathing in praise, but you miss Abby more. The applauses simmer down, and disappear just like he did.

“Now, as you all know, the angel at the bottom of the exam results list is Rokita Nmurtiq Laya. We all will dearly miss you, Rokita. Please say your-“

“No, you won’t.”

Everyone has their eyes on me. Again. It unnerves me. I know I have to step up, though, if it’s the last thing I do.

“I… volunteer. As a sacrifice,” you step forward. Everyone’s jaw drops.

“Xan, you’re the-“

“I know. That’s why I’m doing it. I’ve mustered enough courage to fall at my own will. I want everyone to remember me as a brave angel, as someone who has left a mark. Nothing more. If I fail at that, if you don’t give me the chance, you’ll be robbing me of this opportunity. I beg of you to let me be brave,” you confess. They see the look in your eyes. You’re adamant, unstoppable and foxy.

“Nobody’s ever done it before,” she reminds you.

“Then let me pioneer the others.”

The Council keeps their stern looks on you, but know you have the last word. You're allowed to fall.

*

You enter the hell once you’ve packed. It has a creepy vibe to it, sure, but it’s nowhere near the fantasised version. No flames to be seen, none that catches your eye. The temperature is higher than that of hell, but not enough to make you uncomfortable. A beige hallway leads you to the help desk, where you see a tall woman. She must be a fallen angel like you. Females aren’t born as demons, they become them. It's what your fate awaits, too.

“Hello there, darling, you must be the new sacrifice. Now, Taehyung’s been waiting for you! We’ve all heard about your decision to volunteer, what a brave soul,” she welcomes.

“Yeah, hi, I’m Xan. They must have sent you my files, surely you know my full name,” you lightly joke and add, “ so what’s yours?”

“Sowamic, but call me Wam, darling. We’ll have a whole eternity to get to know each other,“ she deadpans, making you second guess yourself. She must have noticed.

“Oh, no, don’t worry, dear. I know they feed you lies there but, most of us are happy here. You’ll like it in hell, I assure you. Now, let’s see our main guy. He’ll be frantic if he waits any longer.”

A semi-genuine smile curves your lips. In a short while, she stops in front of a big black door and knocks. A deep voice signals them to come in.

“Sir, here’s the new angel, Xan. The only archangel to fall here.”

“Thank you, Wam. You can leave,” he instructs. She obeys, and promptly walks out.

“Well, Xan, welcome to hell!”

You’re stomped. Is he the Devil or is he cosplaying? The stranger you’re conversing with looks too young and nice to be the Devil, and frankly, too handsome. Black eyes, his hair black also, a mole under his right eye and on his nose, flat but wide lips… He was ethereal.

“I-uhm… I didn’t expect this place to be…”

“This cosy?” he mocks.

“Yeah. It’s cosy. You-you don’t look like the Devil,” you challenge him.

“Did you expect an uglier, older and meaner version with less sense of fashion? Sorry, I don’t age, torture or mistreat. Plus, we have a Gucci store here, what did you take me for?”

Now you’re even more confused.

“Don’t you torture or rape people? How is this hell, people pay for their sins here! You, aren’t you..” You can’t finish the phrase.

“I am truly offended, Xan. Torturing and raping? I’m not a monster! I only make sinners get the karma they deserve, I don’t personally hurt anyone. That’s their own minds. And raping? I knew the old white guy up there was nuts but this shit is defamation on my behalf,” he scoffs. The audacity to frame him as a felon!

“I didn’t kn-“

“Of course you didn’t. Now you do.”

You lower your head in embarrassment. You really have a knack for ruining things before they start, huh?

“I’m not offended, angel, just upset a bit," he admits.

“I could… Make you feel better?” your mouth acts before your mind. To be fair, you have been getting these urges. He’s rumoured to be seductive and sinister, but is he really? You could have mistaken him for a male angel (which, granted, don’t exist) if it hadn’t been for the dark aura. He was unique, charming, kind and captivating, even. Maybe he was also a witch that bewitched you. Either way, you were enchanted. His smile exacerbated the said enchantment.

“How are you planning to do that, Xan?”

“Doll. Call me doll.”

He resists. He can play hard to get for you.

“Why should I?”

“Because I was conceived to serve you as such,” you rebuttle.

“Don’t tempt me, Xan. You don’t have to. Not everyone here is employed to satisfy me.”

You know that. You also know that you desire him. You exhibit it with a passionate kiss. His tongue is warm unlike the rest of his body. He pulls back.

“Xan, are you-“

“Yes, goddammit, I am sure. Do you not wanna fuck me?” you retort.

“I wanna fuck the innocence out of you, doll. How could I not? Look at you.” he purrs. His aura shines exquisitely, taking its toll on you. Whatever falls from his lips is honey, your favourite poison. The way he finally addresses you as you wish ignites your flames. He finally rids you of your clothes, your top and shorts pool on the ground.

“I wanna demonstrate how holy I can make you feel in hell. Will you behave and be my good doll?”

“Taehyung, please, I’m soaking wet for you, please do something! I’m at my wit’s end,” you plead with a small voice. He smirks, proud of and empowered by his effect on you. His doll couldn’t afford to wait more, could she?

“Open up, doll, let me taste you. Let me devour your angelic essence. I’ve been dying to try it.” Determined not to make him repeat it, your legs spread open like the beautiful petals of a flower. His cold fingers trace circles on your upper thighs, thoroughly teasing you. On your wrists is the sensation of a pair of handcuffs. He must have read your mind – good dolls don’t move after all. You love restraints.

“Are all archangels this attractive or is it just you, doll? Because I’ve never been this hard this easily. Your scent, it fucking destroys me. So tell me, are you the exception or the rule?” he inquires. You mutter an “I don’t know” between your rapid pants. When his tongue – finally – glides over your pussy, you lose your breath.

“What’s wrong, doll?” he chuckles, “don’t you want me to have a taste of my favourite dessert? You’re doing so good for me, if you keep this up, I might.” His unorthodox expressions only further rile you up. The ropes encasing your limbs immobilise you. His attacks on your tiny, untainted body grow like an avalanche of pleasure and come in tenfold. Then, a jolt of pain races through your body. He lightly slapped your bum.

“When I ask you a question, doll, you don’t ignore it. You answer me. You beg me to use your pure body, to ruin it and paint it with sin. Understand?” He leaves you no room for discussion.

“Y-yes, Taehyung, please, ah, have a taste,” you invite him meekly. His sinful lips dive deeper into your cunt, cherishing the hot, wet cave it’s digging. The precise and sharp movements of his tongue elicit the most wanton moan. He looks like a mad man eating for the first time, like a man with insatiable hunger for what he’s feasting on. No wonder, the devil does feed off of your essence. It’s his fuel. His hands don’t remain idle for too long, and soon grab your breasts. He’s squeezing them, feeling how fistful they are. He would kill a mortal or two for them. God molded you perfectly, and your plump breasts are no exception. The way they hang on your chest like two perfect droplets of water cements the sight to see before the Devil’s dark orbs. Your pert nipples, however, override your tits. If your tits take a slice, your nipples take the entire cake. The rosy buds erect under his touch, the colour and sensitivity permeating his most carnal desires. He grazes his teeth over your hardened, bubblegum coloured nipple. The other gets a pinch. The Devil drools over them, mesmerised. Your heavenly chants, half lidded eyes, pink cheeks and dark, long hair paint the most beautiful scene he’s ever behold in his life. Your beauty enchants like it was designed to. He’s busy getting drunk on it when something oozes from your nipples.

“Angel… You’re lactating. Fuck, are you trying to kill me? God, look at you, so wicked yet innocent… Fuck, doll, I can hardly restrain myself from ravishing you.”

A broken sob pops out of your mouth. He gravitates towards you, your left nipple now between his cold lips. You shriek at the coldness but he soothes you. Sucking your milk from one nipple, the devil’s advances oscillate between pinching and twisting the other. Your milk must taste divine to the devil, affirmed by his pleased moans around the swollen bud. Your tits feel sore, albeit less. When your left tit is emptied, he switches to the other one, now teasing the vacant nipple. He takes his time. When you’re all out of milk, he lifts his head to meet your antsy gaze.

“Doll, your milk tasted so savory, thick and sweet. But I’m going back to my second home now, so spread your legs wide open. I’m gonna taste your sherbet,” he commands. You wilfully obey, and his jet black locks block the view of your angelhood when he kneels down between your legs. Your fresh taste coats his tongue, giving a shower to his tastebuds. You’ve already leaked more than enough to make him dizzy, yet who is he to refuse more of your love potion? His slurping never relents, only causing you to drip more. However, you both acquire enough biology knowledge. Your most delicate spot hasn’t been caressed yet. It’s out of its hood, winking at Taehyung. He doesn’t ignore it for too long. Tender kisses to your pearl crescendo into unforgiving sucks. His lips encapture your sensitive bud. The harsh sucks and the slight graze of his teeth spike a euphoric moment, and you swear your soul left your body for a second there. You’re a mere slave to his ministrations. The edge pulls you in, one more step, one more suck and you’re at the top, and then… The suction vanishes. You moan in desperation, to no avail. The fire in your stomach extinguishes while your sanity crumbles into pieces.

“Ssshh, doll, be good and ride that edge. Show me that you can suffer for me beautifully, so I know you deserve your reward. That’s it, take it nice and slow. Don’t make me gag you, doll,” he exhorts. Your whimpers dim down, now the only audible sound in the room is his sucking. Before you get to the edge again, he halts. You don’t dare to meet his eyes. He flips you on the bed, your hands still tied behind but now your face is buried into the sheets. A ruffling sound echoes, signalling him getting out of his jeans and boxers. His cock remains out of your vision, nevertheless you feel it when the head teases your clit. His precum leaves a burning sensation on your pearl. The devil rams his monster of a cock inside you, easing in slowly to facilitate the process and decrease your pain.

“Fucking shit, g-god, I’ve fucked so many mortals and demons, doll, but your tightness can’t compare. No wonder why archangels are renowned for having the best pussies. You’re squeezing my cock so well, fuck.”

The stretch steals your breath from you right on the spot. He was extremely thick, widening your welcoming walls with no shame, but he was also long. At least 12 inches, from what you could feel. It was throbbing inside you hotly. The devil lost himself in your angelic bliss, he couldn’t help it. Archangels were created by god himself to be the most seductive to the devil, and Taehyung couldn’t resist his own nature. Your shining, ablaze skin, mixing with his honey one; your innocence and white wings, your gloomy, porcelain aura that purifies his dark one, your cunt that clenched around his fat cock… His aggresive pounds drilled into your hot, velvety walls at a fast pace. Your clenches brought him to the edge quickly, but he couldn’t afford to cum just yet.

You, on the other hand, are filled to the brim. Experiencing your hole being this full levitates you. You pride yourself in the thought of him being this hard because of you. His little doll he treasures. His cock is red, throbbing, swollen. You feel the blood flow of the primary vein that cascaded under it. All his pleasure, love, and cock; it’s all yours. He’s all yours and you’re all his.

“Do you know what happens when I cum?” he raises the question. You nod.

“Your-your cum… Fuck, it, uh, makes me, makes me faint because m-my pure body cannot process your sin-ful seed,” you explain in a rush.

“That’s my doll, beautiful and clever,” he praises. His index finger hovers above your clit, lightly teasing it. When it lands on it eventually, he draws circles and eights on it, accompanied by soft pinches. It drives you up to wall. Your moans fuel his ego more, he knows you’re close. So is he. Fascinated and tantalised by his engorged cock, your heavenly pussy clenches. Your clenches and tightness torturously suck the soul out of him. He’s being milked to the last drop. Your cunt is greedy. Since he won’t be able to endure your sweet torment for too long, he enacts. One finger on your left nipple, the other on your pearl, he plays your body like an instrument, and he happens to be a virtuoso. Your pleasure threshold soars high, as if the devil bewitched you. Maybe he did. You wouldn’t mind.

“Do you like it when I taint you? Make you commit a sin? Do you love being my precious little doll?” he entices.

The fact is, you do. Being surrounded by his sinful and worshipping embrace paves a way to your core. If God hadn’t wanted you to sin, he should have admonished harder. Instead, he amplified the Devil.

“I do, I love it when you praise me, wanna be a good, desperate doll for you. I want you to wreck me to the ground and then build me up again, please, Taehyung-“ His vicious chuckle overshadows your pleas.

“Your wish is my command, doll. You’ve been so good for me. You deserve it. Are you close?” his voice rumbles in his chest. You nod, too spent to talk. The precum leaking from his slit already has you light-headed.

“Then cum, cum for me and wash my cock with your holiness like the angel you are. Let your little heaven squeeze me as I rip it to shreds” he implores. That’s all it takes.

Sobs ring in the background. Your cunt spasms around him, strangulating his length and blessing him. He feels your juice lubricate his cock even more. Your eternal grace guards you even amongst the throes of passion. You barely catch your breath when he comes with a deep grunt. Your vision fades into darkness and the semen decorating your heaven makes you pass out. His harsh thrusts cease to exist. The devil eyes the unconscious angel under him, swooning. Even in her state, she carries her grace and majesty. His now flaccid dick leaves the safety and warmth of her walls that encase it. He shivers at the sensation.

Five minutes later, the angel is untied, cleaned up and resting on his bed. The smitten devil is playing with her black hair, and giving her temple kisses when the urge kicks in. She would gain consciousness a few hours later, and still hold her holiness like he adored.