#lots of his cynicism and obsession with work seem to have started after having to deal with the prejudice from other races

[dunmeshistash]

I don't think we can really infer much about how his childhood was but I think "relatively privileged" as in he had an "average" Childhood sound accurate

Half-foots that leave their hometowns are usually looking for a better life, so it makes sense that after he and his wife left they never came back

Chilchuck had a big house where he lived with his wife and daughters so they probably live a better life now than they did in their hometown, if you come from a small town and move into the big city and live there for most of your adult life I don't think you'd want to go back? Plus it's implied by Marcille's story his wife might be waiting for him to meet with her again but he never did (he also rented his house to relatives so he probably didn't cut them off entirely, he seems to have trouble keeping relationships in general since he wasn't able to mend things with his own wife, actually he didn't even try)

He was canonically a fresh faced little guy when he started adventuring so I think he probably had a relatively normal upbringing compared to how Mickbell started out

His trouble with relationships could be due to his childhood and maybe how he is almost strangers with the rest of his siblings is a testament to that but just pointing out his roughness and cynicism seem to have at least gotten worse after he started adventuring

Which again I guess contrasts with Mickbell who has a much better life after starting with adventures

If Mikbell is a foil for Chilchuck (cowardly to Chils bravery, scab to Chils union leader, Kuro parents Mik while Chil tries to father Izutsumi and so on) and Mik grew up homeless and without anyone does that mean Chilchuck had a (relatively?) privileged upbringing with lots of friends and family?

Chilchuck has a big family and his estranged wife, who he had 3 kids with, was a childhood friend

So I suppose so! And even opposite to Mickbell who now has people he's close to Chilchuck now lives away from his family and avoids getting too close to others cause he's so focused in work

[weirdplutoprince]

Trauma in Solo leveling

Always haunted by what could have been of Solo Leveling if the narrative acknowledged the inherent trauma vision that guides most of Jin-Woo's actions through the series instead of glorifying him for that.

Like, it is pretty clear to me from the start that a lot of his obsession with self reliance and his increasingly cynical views of the world ("The weak are destined to be betrayed") are a direct response to the double dungeon incident, and in more ways than we initially realize.

I think it's particularly obvious in the way he is paralled with Lee Joohee; while they're both shown to be traumatized from their encounter, Joohee is supposedly 'worse off' than him. She has noticeable flashbacks to that episode and withdraws from life and work in an attempt to avoid possible triggers - becoming paralysed when she fails to do so. And because, while also afraid, Jin-Woo is instead making a point to return to dungeons we are very clearly meant to think that he is moving on when she is not. ...Except that he isn't.

Because, you see, along with withdrawing, the reenactment of a traumatic event is also a very common response to trauma. And so is the risky behaviour that might come with it. And what does Jin-Woo does as soon as he's able to leave the hospital again? Immediately throw himself into dungeons, alone, with a clear disregard for personal safety and an extreme need to both prove himself and give meaning to his near death experience before.

Not only does he goes right back into the very same place his trauma took place, but he seems to subconsciously be trying to recreate said event in a way that gives him control of the situation. This time, he wasn't abandoned to die alone in a dungeon: he did it himself, willingly. He placed himself in that position. And later on, when he risks himself with shady parties he expects to betray him, he seems almost content; once again putting himself in risk by creating a scenario where he is 'abandoned' and 'betrayed' but where he can come off on top. He is desperate to both have his belief confirmed that someone perceived as a weak hunter like he is will always be betrayed, always be left behind, and to fight that supposed fate. To prove that he has 'fixed' this aspect of himself and will thus not fall victim to that consequences of that abandoment again. In fact, he is so detatched from the current scene that he deliberately ignores the fact Yoo Jinho challenges those believes by protecting Jin-Woo, whom he believes to be an E rank at that point.

And were this any other story, all his development from then on would prove the faults of this mindset. The dangers of self reliance, of cutting yourself off from any support network, from depriving himself of any sort of meaningful trust or vulnerability with others. But instead, we're meant to respect the fact he is increasingly isolated from everyone else. That he becomes cold, emotionally withdrawn and paranoid (his refusal to join any of the existing guilds always felt to me like his need for control taken to extreme, plus the fact he could not deal with how exposed he felt working with others again). And I think that's really sad.

It would have been really interesting to have a story that is willing to challenge the notion that he is better off alone, and that trust in others is ultimately unecessary. And that would acknowledged the strength necessary to allow himself to trust and be vulnerable after everything - and the importance of surrounding himself with people he loves and knows will protect him too. Sad 😔

[intothedysphoria]

It took a while but Steve eventually got Lola to put on her socks and go into daycare.

To say that Lola was a precocious child would be putting it mildly. Lola Harrington was one of the oddest four year olds Steve had come across and he could admit that as her father.

Her current mission was a “pre-school boycott”. Steve still wasn’t sure where exactly she’d learned that word. It was nothing bribery couldn’t solve though, and with the promise of yogurt, Lola was finally through the maroon doors and Steve could go to work.

By the time he came to pick her up, she’d already figured out a new demand and the new one was much harder to avoid.

There had been a revelation in the world of boisterous toddlers. A revolution even. A new favourite adult had emerged during a class trip to the movies and now Lola was insisting on rewatching Inside Out 2 to speak to the funny man selling the tickets.

Steve thought it was going to be a problem in that the man would be sickeningly sweet and refuse to address Steve by name. Instead, Steve was greeted with the kind of guy who’d reject him a nightclub back when he still went clubbing.

His voice was the kind of voice Steve would dream about as a teenager and he was definitely wearing mascara. Steve may have had the more lucrative career but this guy had definitely won the genetic lottery.

He was also charismatic in the kind of way that Steve could see deals being sold left and eight if put in front of the right person. Steve may have been a cynic but he could definitely see himself being swept away by that silver tongue.

The name tag said Billy and Steve already knew that name was going to haunt him for at least the next 6 months.

Billy certainly didn’t disappoint. He had a way of sticking in Steve’s life, especially after Steve found out that he also had a job at the local coffee shop he frequented.

It felt like madness, being so consumed by a person who he’d only spoken to twice. Four times if you counted polite small talk in professional settings. He did seem to have a soft spot for Lola’s forthright nature but nothing particularly special towards Steve.

Not that he seemed to have anything particularly against him but he didn’t really have anything for Steve either.

The first time they spoke without Lola, Steve had left her with Robin so he could watch Deadpool and Wolverine. No date, just Steve.

Billy had dyed his hair green and was wearing very thick eyeliner. More in the realms of emo than traditional beauty. He was also swearing under his breath as he tried to get the coffee machine to work.

Steve, being Steve, offered to help and Billy actually accepted.

He was apparently a bit of a technological Luddite and anything made past 1997 seemed to hate him. Steve could relate and they made a few minutes of mindless conversation about hopeless technology fails.

There was a point where Billy’s hand brushed across his, just a little and Steve felt his stomach start dancing with butterflies.

It was probably nothing. Billy was talking to him more now but it was probably nothing.

Lola continued to obsess over Billy to the point where Steve had to explain that Billy was just someone they knew in the context of him being at work and they didn’t have infinite money to spend on movie theatre tickets.

Billy decided to disprove Steve’s point by both giving them discounted tickets and his number. Landline because he didn’t have a mobile.

Steve listened to a lot of Chappell Roan that weekend. She just suited his vibe.

Considering her track record for acidity, Carol was uncharacteristically engaged while listening to Steve’s plight. That may have been due to her planning to hook up with Chrissy Cunningham but Steve took what he could.

She also told him under no circumstances was he to fall back into “high school Steve” because in her own words “he was a colossal bitch and you aren’t that babe.”

Those words were echoing in his head still when his car came to a standstill on a quiet road, hours away from home. There wasn’t a gas station or mechanics anywhere near and there was no way for Steve to contact Lola’s babysitter because his phone was out of battery.

He was at the point of sobbing of frustration when a literal bright light saved him.

Billy in his fast car, stopped by Steve’s Beemer and asked if he was ok. Well, Steve had certainly been better.

Instead of just taking Steve’s word and driving off, Billy sent a ‘wait there’ hand gesture and started fiddling before making a satisfied grunt and watching the engine come to life again.

Billy was explaining with a lot of mechanical jargon what exactly was wrong with his car but the stress had made Steve lose his head. Because he kissed him.

Billy kissed back even more intensely so Steve guessed he wasn’t exactly opposed to Steve’s little crush.

And judging by her face when she found out, Steve was almost completely sure Lola had been planning getting them together since the beginning. She really was such a crafty four year old.

For @dragonflylady77 happy birthday Guin ily ❤️❤️❤️ ( I think I’ve timed this correctly for UK to NZ time)

[fanfic-inator795]

For as much as we should praise TGAMM for all the well-done Todd foreshadowing (the similar character designs, the “it’s like he’s got no soul” line from the end of s1, the only times where Todd even looks SLIGHTLY happy being when he’s about to eat something) I feel like we should also acknowledge the cleverness of Scratch’s characterization.

Some have pointed out that Todd doesn’t exactly act like a normal shell (which makes sense given how his soul-separation came about due to depression/despair instead of simply going through a ghost portal) but while ‘depressed’ and ‘dull’ seem to be the common link between shells, it should also be noted that they tend to take on opposite traits to their soul/wraith.

Shell!Molly, for example, seems even MORE hopeless and numb than most shells in contrast to Molly’s hopeful and always positive nature. Shell!Darryl, meanwhile, is obedient to a dangerous degree while Darryl himself remains obedient. As for Todd, instead of becoming incapacitated after losing his soul, he just kept doing his day-to-day life - because he was already numb. (Notice how he only ever broke that routine by going to events that Scratch himself was already at, which goes along with how he’d typically slow sliiightly more emotion whenever Scratch - his soul - was nearby. Scratch may have been afraid of truly living his life, but he still wanted it back deep down)

So since Todd couldn’t take on opposite traits, it’s natural that Scratch would instead. Todd stuck to microwaved meals and eating out, and Scratch himself used to literally eat garbage as a ghost - but once he started getting fresh, homecooked meals, he became obsessed with them! Suddenly he cared about actual taste instead of simply eating whatever he had on-hand regardless of how yummy it actually was.

There’s also Scratch’s laziness and reluctance to do work of ANY kind, which makes sense given that he spent his life doing a boring job that didn’t amount to much, so of course he’d shy away from doing any more work than he absolutely needed to.

Finally, some people have pointed out how Scratch - for as surly and cynical as he can be - tends to act like a big kid a lot of the time, both through how immature he can be and in how long he gets along with Molly and Darryl. And given that his happiest times came from his childhood, this again makes sense. Same with how he tends to let Molly take the lead a lot of the time, only taking initiative when she’s in danger or upset - because for as much as Scratch may have shied away from genuine connections out of fear of getting left behind again, he never stopped caring about others.

Stuff like this truly does speak to how well written this show is, both in major and subtle ways - and I appreciate that the TGAMM crew never cared about surprising anyone with the final twist but instead did what they could to make it feel like a natural end point for both Scratch and the show above all else.

[shantechni]

Okay, so the Turtles visual history cover, I love what they did with the styles they gave each turtle, left to right. Turtles count it off!

1. We start with Raphael in original comic style. Not just original comic, where they were streamlined(?) into basically the 03 look, but first issue style, with the pointy beak for an upper lip. This fits because the original comic turtles all had red bandanas. And while the following issues did still have violence, I think first issue is still the most, if not one of the most violent, and Raph is traditionally the most violent of the group.

2. Mikey, 80s cartoon style. I mean come on, he was most people’s favorite when it came to this show, he was practically the mascot, he was the one used for that anti drug thing with all the cartoon characters. And Mikey’s personality across iterations would usually be the one most fitting of the 80s style. And he’s got a slice, he also tends to be the one who loves pizza most, and the pizza loving was introduce through the show.

3. Leo…Not gonna lie, I’m kinda drawing a blank with this one. He could be movie Leo, because the 90 movie was huge, and now that I think about it, he is the first live action turtle we fully, clearly see on screen in that movie. That’s significant for turtles fans. I was thinking it could’ve been 03, but that show didn’t get much in the book (which it seems they’re gonna remedy in the revised and expanded version coming out soon).

4. Donnatello in 12 style. Firstly, legacy VA returned to voice him. Secondly, (which I honestly didn’t consider till now), 12 Donnie might have the most going for him out of all 4 (you of all ppl could correct me on that if I’m wrong). 03 Donnie was still smart and a tech wizz, but Donnie had a return to 80s form with making crazy machines out of garbage and alien tech, or just straight up garbage, and they work! Plus he’s got the crush on April, rivalry with Casey, personal struggles I’m not sure I’ve seen before, some other things, and he’s funny! I don’t think I liked Donnie in general as much as I liked 12 Donnie, and I think that was a common sentiment. He was definitely the least often favored Turtle till recent times, especially with Rise, which came out a while after this book. 12 Donnie was the start of him getting a lot of love.

🎵I love being a-I love being a-I love being a turtle!🎵 Wait, sorry. The counting got me going.

I was almost certain that's IDW Leo due to his design (though he more so reminds me of how the turtles are drawn on the Ultimate Collection covers), plus there's a potential pattern of, "comic turtle, cartoon turtle, comic, cartoon."

I really do love the choices they went with for each turtle though, because it's arguable that the versions are representative of pivotal moments in their characterization. While Raph overall remained the same cynical, rough knuckled but soft-hearted turtle throughout the years (to great effect mind you depending on the execution), Mikey inevitably became known as the pizza loving party dude we recognize because of how the 80s cartoon depicted him, and that's something that's stuck with him for four decades now.

Again, not entirely sure of what Leo that one is, but if it is IDW Leo, that would make sense. The story he goes through in that era of the comics is undoubtedly unmatched by anything we received in the movies and cartoons. It was possibly the truest embodiment of him growing to be a leader and the largest amalgamation of hardships he goes through to reach that point.

'12 Donnie is such a silly little guy from a silly little show that ran at the same time as the IDW comics💀, but I'm willing to bet most (read: most, not all) people look at him as a pivotal version of the character. Obsessed with machinery and chemistry, awkward from spending years underground with the same folks for so long, but undeniably willing to go above and beyond for his family and friends. He's not unanimously the definitive best version of Donnie, but he was a bit of a trendsetter for some of the traits that reappear in the future iterarions, and Rob Paulsen's voice 100% added to this version of him.

[sunofaraven]

What inspired Love Death + Grumbot?

Sorry for sitting on this ask for so long! This was a way harder question to answer than I anticipated, and I apologise in advance for the very long post XD

I started working on LD+G back in January 2023, just after the end of the Hermitcraft/Empires crossover event. I had just finished writing Soulbound, my first fic, and I was itching to start another. And... I was missing Mumbo. Grian was missing him too and Emperor Grumbot was ready to destroy a whole universe just because Mumbo wasn't in it; I was defenceless against the "I miss Mumbo" brainrot.

The initial idea for LD+G was more of a gritty, steampunk, two dudes and their cryptic robot son against the world thing. I wanted to write an apocalypse fic (I've actually got several original novels that are apocalypse/dystopian novels--I am only a little addicted to the genre...), and Cub was doing his whole sculk thing on empires, so it seemed as good a cause for an apocalypse as anything else. You can see all this in the very first notes I ever made for the fic:

But, see, I LOVE zombies. I blame The Last of Us. I'd spent 2022 trying to play through the second game and getting frustrated with its cynical take on the world. It just doesn't feel believable to me that humanity would be at each other's throats. Sure, people are scared and impulsive, but it takes a lot for the average human to hurt another. Our strengths lie in our adaptability and how we support each other in times of need!!

Anyway, once I veered away from steampunk and started down the zombie route, a big inspiration for some of the characters was Hybbart's Rancher Apocalypse AU (I blame them entirely for my Ranchers obsession tbh). They also had some pretty fun ideas about the role of sculk in an apocalypse, and since I come from a biology background, the opportunity to have a symbiosis between zombies and sculk was just SO much fun for me.

So then, why did it become a story about grief? Well... I felt pretty trapped in my personal life at the time, so initially LD+G was both a way to process that and some much-needed escapism. I don't remember exactly when or why I decided that Grian was infected, but I do remember writing like I'd been possessed in early 2023. I wrote a whole list of scenes/moments that I wanted it to contain and then the plot just kinda... fell out of me one day.

To be melodramatic about it, I have written a lot of novels in my life, but none that felt so akin to bleeding out on the page as this one did. I needed to write this story, to have a place to channel my emotions as well as my eternal mcyt brainrot. I wasn't mourning a person, exactly, I was mourning my own perceived lack of agency and trying to gather the strength to end a whole chapter of my life and start anew.

So I wrote about love, I wrote about death.

And I wrote about Grumbot.

[shzmluvrs]

Hey girlypopd luv ur fics im from ur Wattpad account so mby I get favoritism jk but I rly rly luv ur Freddyxchubby reader bc I’m self obsessed an I think everything is about me but anyway I rly need more serotonin in life an hope this isn’t too much but can I get angst like a lot mby a little tiny bit of the self harmy stuff pls sry I hav problems an if ur uncomfortable writing that i totally get that Luv u <3

Girlll, don't you talk to ME about angst, you are looking at the QUEEN of thinking of overly angsty scenarios😙🤞🏽♡. Also, ty for the compliments on my previous work, ilyily it literally throws me over the moon (no, not you, Moon🥴💀💕). I really hope you enjoy thissss✨️!! Also, this totally doubles as a thank you for the artwork you did for us, I just *sobs♡*.

~ Star✨️

Not Your Fault

Prompt: Maybe it came from your own self-doubt. Or, maybe it stemmed from your parents and their need to overdo it with the scolding. Hell, maybe it was just something often reiterated to you by strangers. But, for as long as you could remember, things never seemed to go your way. More accurately, things never seemed to go right because of you. And it was only natural that you suffered the consequences of your own actions...

Even if it had to be by your own hand...

Timeline: Post S!: FOTG

TW/Content: Self harm (if that wasn't already heavily implied/said)⚡️AngstAngstAngstttt⚡️But then lots and lots of comfort⚡️Reader being cynical⚡️(very smol, dw) Thoughts/Talk/Mention of unaliveness, I think, but probably not⚡️Freddy being an absolute 😇💙saint💙😇 (most of the time)⚡️Readers parent(s)/sibling(s) being annoying

Reader: Fem! Reader She/Her/Hers Pronouns

Requested By: @lukkdukkyleak

Back to the Master List

'Snap'

. . .

'Snap'

You were stuck. This was the third time this had happened to you this week. On your conclusion, no less; the very last paragraph of your essay. You'd sit down, open up your Google document, read over your own writing for the zillionth time until you got to where you had left off...

And then, with intention to finish it up, write the last few sentences or so, you'd urge yourself to get right to work. Just start writing. Get it done. Do it.

And yet, you just... couldn't. Writers' block had now become your mortal enemy, and you'd do anything to get rid of it. Because if you didn't, it'd leave you with nothing to turn in. If you didn't have a final paper to turn in, you'd automatically fail this English class.

If you failed this English class, you wouldn't graduate in the Spring. If you didn't graduate, you wouldn't be allowed to cross that stage and get your diploma. If you didn't get your diploma, your parents would surely be more than disappointed. In you, in themselves for actually thinking you could do it...

You'd have to repeat the school year, do it all over again, just to circle right back to this final English paper. And again, you'd get stuck in your own head, fighting a mental block you couldn't even defeat right now. The cycle would go on, and natrually, it'd be your own doing. Or rather, you own undoing.

Your own fault. All because you can't write a conclusion.

'Snap'

"Did you hear me?"

Your head whipped up in a flurry, letting go of the hair tie pulling against your wrist to create one final 'Snap'. An accidental one, which gained a short wince out of you at its unexpected sting before you could even speak.

The boy in front of you took this as a sign that you were distracted, happy to repeat himself while he closed his laptop in order to see you better.

"I said, 'Do you wanna go to (Favorite Fast-Food) after school?'."

"Oh." You hummed, your eyes shifting away from his chocolate brown ones and back to your screen. At its mention, you were suddenly craving (F/FF). But you also knew better than to let yourself get distracted when you didn't have to. What was most important was this essay, and if you procrastinated any longer, you'd surely miss the due date, and-

"I'll pay." Freddy quickly added, sensing your hesitancy from his own seat before lighting up even further at your scoff. A dismissive one, sure, but it came with a smile he found hard to hate; elated that he had been the cause.

"Please, you can barely afford to get your lunch every day."

"See, m'kay, that's where you're wrong, right?" Freddy began, speed-talking as per usual, which always caused your smile to grow. "(Y/N), I saved up for a whole week so I can literally get us whatever. Those silly little drinks you like? Done. Or-or fries, or whatever? Done. I will buy you the whole menu, try me."

"Okay, okay, I get it." You laughed, knowing he had already convinced you. Persuaded, sure...

...And yet...

"I would, Freds, really. But, I don't think I should."

His head tipped to the side in confusion, curls falling with which almost caused an 'aww' to leave your lips. He stared, doe-eyed, expecting his answer because you denying (F/FF) was a first. It was a bit surprising, but your reasoning, once given, was valid.

"I need to get this paper done. Tonight. If I don't, I'll just...worry about it forever, and I won't be able to focus. Another time?"

He smiled at your compromise, the heel of his foot bouncing up and down in his seat as if he just couldn't wait for whenever "another time" would be. Hopefully soon, sending about a thousand nods your way before speaking.

"Yeah, sure, no problem!"

The bell rung, students around you rushing to pack their things away now that they were no longer confined to the hell that was Fawcett Central. You did the same, not that you were exactly excited to return to your own home. Your hopes lied in the assumption that you'd be able to rush quickly to your room. Not to be bothered for the rest of the night as you finished up your work.

"But like, are you sure, though?"

You tossed your head back, a joking groan escaping your lips as the two of you squoze yourselves between people in the hallways. And still, he went on in hopes to further convince you because, as it turned out, the boy had very little patience to wait until "another time." Something that he wasn't even sure would come.

Plus, as one would expect, he was only following his brother's advice...

"If you really wanna spend time with her, just go for it. And don't let her flake out or play hard to get. It'll show her you're persistent, and girls usually like that type of stuff. Let's them know you care."

And of course Freddy cared about you! So...

"I'm just sayin'! It'd be fun, and y'know, maybe you need a break."

"Freddy..."

"Plus...!" He interjected before you could go on. "When have I ever steered you wrong?"

"H-"

"And don't say gym class, or the Winter Carnival, or that one time with the Breyers, or that other time with the Breyers, or the glitter bomb, or...The Incident™..." He listed off with haste, all different scenarios/times where he had most definitely steered you wrong.

"Those were all just horribly timed coincidences that have nothing to do with how I operate."

"Oh, is that so?" You challenged with an amused giggle, Freddy sending you an assertive smirk right back.

"Very much so."

"And how are you so sure of that?"

"Come with me," he taunted lightly, effortlessly cycling the conversation right back to his initial goal. "Let me whisk you away, (N/N)... and you'll find out."

You couldn't help but shake your head at the dork in front of you, trying your very hardest to hold in a flattered smile at his antics. Walking backward down the stone steps as if he wasn't one off-balanced wobble away from tipping over. Sending you pleading eyes and a goofy grin along with the use of a nickname.

With the break of your own toothy smile, he knew he had won you over before you even had to say anything.

"Fine, fine...I'll go."

"Yes, yes, yes-yes-yes, I love it when you agree with me!"

"But just tonight!" You reminded, pointing an index finger that he simply grabbed, interlocking his own with it. "I'm off limits tomorrow. And Sunday!"

"Yeah, sure, you got it. You have the rest of the weekend left to do..." He waved his free hand around wildly, looking for the words he never found before finishing.

"I dunno, whatever it is you do."

"Thank god." You sighed half-jokingly, earning you a laugh you never got tired of.

──────────── •⚡️• ────────────

You were lucky to hear more of it, even if it wasn't in person. You reminded yourself of that over and over again as you walked home. Freddy insistent on the fact that even though he couldn't be there to walk you home himself, he'd at least stay on the phone with you until he knew you were safe.

But anyhow, you were repetitive on the fact that you had a good time, that you were lucky to listen to Freddy ramble on and on about tonight's prior festivities because of the simple fact that it had been keeping you distracted. Away from the troubling thoughts of guilt for not listening to your past self. Sure, you had a great time, but at what cost?

A waste of time to get your work done? No. No, no matter. It didn't matter now. You had done it, you had gone out and had a great time with your best friend. Now it was time to wind down and focus, return home and get your work done. You could still rely on yourself.

"Hey, it's late, I gotta go, Freds." You excused once your place had come into view.

"You make it home safe?" He double-checked, and you almost nodded, forgetting he wasn't physically there with you.

"Yeah, which is why I gotta go, dude."

"Alright, right, you're super duper busy, so I can't bother ya' anymore." He sighed through his words, smiling once he heard your quiet giggle on the other side of the line along with the jingle of your keys.

"I'll check on you Sunday."

"Wha-? Freddy, n-"

"Bye!"

And the line went dead, leaving you to purse your lips and scoff. It was a wonder you liked him, let alone had a whole crush on him, when he often times pushed at your boundaries. But, nonetheless, you were simply happy to know him at all, and-

No. No, focus. You were swift to set yourself straight, not wanting to get lost in your daydream-esque thoughts on the boy you'd been pining over for a couple of years now. That'd be your lamest reason yet on why you had deterred from your essay.

"(Y/N)...!!" The call of your name made you jump, erasing any thoughts you had about anything at all while attempting to pull yourself together at a reasonable speed. It ended with you anxiously tugging at the familiar blue hairtie around your wrist, not yet pulling it far enough back to release, but just enough to provide some odd comfort while your parent came tearing around the corner to your position in front of the door.

"Where have you been?" They asked, their tone laced with demand rather than actual worry as you stumbled to push out a viable excuse.

"I...was out with my friend, I just lost track of time."

"Mm." They hummed, never really truly satisfied with any answer you might've given as they looked you up and down. "I don't like you staying out so late, you know better. You didn't even call. You knew you had chores to do today."

"Sorry..." You mumbled, subjected back to the looming silence before they gave a roll of their eyes and sighed.

"Well, did you eat?"

"Yeah, I had (F/FF)."

"...Alright."

And that was that, your parent leaving you to yourself once again as you gratefully made the choice to head straight for your room. It was just as you left it when you had left for school early this Friday morning, which meant you had a bit of cleaning to do.

But surely, you could push that task back until later. It could always be done the moment you typed up the rest of your final paper. Without second thought, you sat on your bed and pulled open your laptop, as well as gathering any notes you might've needed together before reading over what's been typed so far.

. . .

You rubbed at your eyes until you were satisfied, your hands moving to slide above and push back your hair. As if you were ridding yourself of the exhaustion.

"Foucs, focus, focus..." You commanded yourself, repeating the word over and over again in your mind. Your fingers wandering back down to your wrist.

'Focus, focus, focus, focus...'

'Snap'

'Just focus...just write something. Just write a sentence. A word...'

'Snap'

"Ohh my goshhh..." You groaned under your breath.

'Snap'

Your (E/C) eyes wandered towards the bottom right corner of your screen, grazing over the time as if you were wasting it. Well, technically, you were. But you weren't at the same time, seeing as only a few minutes had passed since you've sat.

10:23p.m.

"Whatever, just...write." You commanded yourself further.

. . .

When your eyes wandered back to the time once more, you were left to fight the lump forming in the back of your throat.

1:04a.m.

So much time had passed, and not a single thing had been typed. You wanted to be mad at yourself but couldn't. You kept checking your phone, you kept talking to yourself, you just had to turn on the TV for "background noise"...

It looked like you'd be pulling an all-nighter this evening.

──────────── •⚡️• ────────────

You woke up feeling disoriented. Peaceful, sure, but only because your mind was still clouded with sleep, which left you to struggle at taking in your surroundings and the reason why your body ached.

In about another five seconds, all your memories had returned to you, and you now had the answers to all of your questions. You had fallen asleep, even after you had convinced yourself that you were going to pull an all-nighter. Even more disappointing, having fallen asleep at such an awkward angle left you with a crick in your neck that you couldn't sooth with a simple massage right away.

And to your dismay, your laptop displayed the essay that you very clearly hadn't touched. That you had fallen asleep on. You wanted nothing more than for it to finish itself at this point, but you knew better than to actually believe that would happen. Wishful thinking on top of all of the other worries you had swarming your mind. Just to set yourself straight, hastily reminding yourself you now had only the rest of today and tomorrow to finish it, you allowed yourself to stretch and shake away the rest of your drowsyness.

"What...?" You murmured the moment your finger had grazed over the touchpad, reading over the pop-up window in the middle of the screen.

You read it again in disbelief.

And then again, your anger rising at the key words; 'Remaining batter life' 'charging cable' '7%' '10 minutes of power'.

"No, no, no..." You whined, practically throwing yourself out of the bed. Your notes scattered everywhere, but you couldn't bring yourself to care as you desperately searched for the charger to your laptop. When you realized, after dumping out all of your backpack's contents onto the floor, that it wasn't even in there, you grew even more panicked, if possible. If not there, where?

Scouring your room for any sign of the black cord began to accumulate a bigger mess than had already been evident, but you found it worth it when you had finally spotted it under your desk, tangled with a bunch if other loose wires and cords which left you with the tedious work of untangling them.

By the time you had finished, your room an even bigger mess and your mind swarming with curses and exasperation, you had returned to your laptop a second too late. The screen was black and the power button on the top left corner refused to light back up, no matter how many times you pressed it until you finally had to accept the fact that it had officially died. It was only when you were mid-way through putting it on the charger and plugging it into the outlet when you also realized this meant your paper may have not been saved.

You couldn't even fathom the words to bring out of your throat in this instant, angry and inaduble grumbles leaving in their place as you fought the lump in your throat. It seemed you had just woken up and already couldn't catch a break, not that you really had anyone else to blame but yourself.

If you had just stayed up and done your work like you were supposed to instead of sitting there looking at the screen until you fell asleep, this wouldn't be happening to you right now.

"Ughh, stupid, stupid..." You berated yourself, tugging at the blue hair tie and letting it snap back consecutively. It didn't bring you any comfort, but you were convinced it was an act that helped you think better, or faster. And, like usual, it seemed to work as your (E/C) eyes glanced over to your phone.

It sat on the edge of your desk, certainly not dead when the charger was connected into it. You could quickly download Google docs and pray that it had auto-saved before your computer died, and if so, you could continue writing on your phone. You-

"Hey..."

Your head whipped around at the sound of your parent entering your room, now wanting nothing more than to roll your eyes the moment they gave a look of disgust at not just the state of your room, but your person as well.

Your clothes from last night were still disheveled, your hair more than likely a mess, and surely, the bags under your eyes weren't any more flattering.

"...You need to clean this room up, it's always such a mess in here. And you still didn't do your chores from last night, so when you're done, you need to get on that."

"Yeah, I know, I-"

"Don't tell me you know. Otherwise, it'd be done. Now get started so that we can leave."

Your sigh halted, words you couldn't quite shuffle in the right order escaping your lips in distressed stammers upon hearing the last sentence.

Leave? Leave where? You couldn't leave!

"I can't- Where are-? I have to write this essay, it's due Monday, I don't-..."

"(Y/N)..." They spoke your name through a groan, already brushing off what, to them, was just excuses. "I don't have the time to argue with you about this right now. We have errands to run, and it's bad enough that now we have to wait on you."

You wanted to apologize or... at least explain how the circumstances weren't exactly your fault. Not entirely...

Weren't they?

But it didn't matter. The words got stuck once again and your parent had left, meaning that your only hope of not letting this Saturday go to waste was to try and clean as fast as possible and do your work in the car considering you were stuck using your phone.

──────────── •⚡️• ────────────

'Well, that was a bust...' You thought, a scowl etched onto your face as though the expression were permanent. To say you were irriated would be the understatement of the century. Even more so when you couldn't place that agitation and blame onto anyone else but yourself.

If you hadn't procrastinated for so long, you wouldn't have an essay that decided your future to work on. If you didn't have an essay to work on, you wouldn't have felt so sullen about accepting Freddy's request to basically blow it off. If you hadn't accepted his request, you would've gotten home sooner to clean and do your chores. If you had done them sooner, you would've had more time to write, and maybe, just maybe, you wouldn't have fallen asleep so easily.

And then these errands would mean nothing to you other than a family outing because your work would be done, and you'd have nothing to worry about. But instead, and because of your incompetence, here you were trying your best to dodge and weave through crowds of other people doing their shopping. Trying your very hardest to type and walk in order to keep up with your family.

"I don't understand why you're moving so slow..." Your parent scolded lightly, urging you to do what you were already trying to do. Only your eyes lifted from the screen, just for a moment to shoot off a glare before returning to your screen and typing furiously.

Sure, your writers' block had finally cleared. But you could only ever get in a few words every couple of minutes before you had to look up to dodge. Or, be interrupted by your family, a sibling. An annoying one, at that...

"Yeah, weren't you just here yesterday with your boyyyyfrieeeend~?" They teased, leaving you to grumble.

"He's not my boyfriend. And yeah, but we went straight to (F/R) and ate at the food court, we weren't shopping."

Your sibling rolled their eyes.

"Whatever, just saying...it should be easier for you to keep up."

"(Y/N)?!"

Speak of the devil, you and your entire immediate family's heads whipping up at the obnoxiously loud call of your name. Your eyes searched high and low, all around until they landed on that familiar head of curls and the silver of a crutch.

"Oh, hi..." You awkwardly greeted, not even loud enough for him to hear it as he approached gleefully. Normally, at the presence of your family, you'd try and usher him away. Give him the hint not to intervene and make it awkward for everyone, but mostly you. But, seeing as your family hadn't even bothered to slow down, you figured a brief conversation wouldn't hurt.

Plus, upon noticing a couple of his siblings and Rosa behind him, you didn't want to come off as brash or rude.

"I thought you said you were gonna be busy?"

The question almost took you by surprise, but upon recalling last Friday, you realized that was pretty much what you had told him.

"I am! I just...I got caught up, it's weird..."

Sensing this wasn't enough of an answer or anything excusable, you spoke further. It had inevitably dug yourself a deeper hole, his brow raising in question.

"My parents, they're just...they wanted me to go shopping with them."

"Your...parents...?"

Oh, right...they walked off....

"Ye-Yeah, they are- They were here, but I lost track of them, so..."

You were aware of how unconvincing you sounded, letting a quiet sigh escape you before checking your phone. Your essay was still intact, and- Oh! That's a good word, 'intact'... You could do something with that, let's just...add it to the conclusion...and...

What you couldn't sense was how disinterested you looked to Freddy, the boy looking back to Billy for any type of further advice. All the brunette could do was shrug from afar, attempting to entertain Rosa, who wasn't at all paying attention to the events.

Hey, mother's got to shop🤷🏽‍♀️.

Either way, to him, it looked as though you were trying your hardest to avoid him. Freddy could feel his chest tighten at just the thought, wondering why that could possibly ever be the case. Why you had become so distant suddenly. And now, you'd barely even look at him?

"So, uh...what's the deal? Did I say something you didn't like?"

"Huh?"

You hadn't looked up, leaving him to reluctantly fill in the blank for you.

"...The other night. When we went out. On that date..."

Now, this caught your attention. Your head cocked back, and your brows knitted incredulously.

"Date? That wasn't a date, I thought we were just hanging out."

'...Was...that a date?' You thought swiftly when you heard the words leave you own mouth, having not entertained such an idea before. But, now that Freddy had said something-

"(Y/N), I literally took you to your favorite place and paid for everything. And then we went to the arcade, and got milkshakes, and...well, I was gonna walk you home, but that didn't work out, as you know, since...you were there..."

"Oh."

You hadn't a clue of what to say, and the longer the silence hung over you two, the more worried you grew. Was that really a date? He didn't technically ask you out to date. He said he wanted to hang out. Maybe it was implied in his tone, and you missed it because you had been so focused on your essay.

But certainly, wasn't your essay tons more important than any date or whatever? If you hadn't gone, you would've had the whole weekend to go out on a date. Right?

Also, where the hell had your family gone? Did they even stop to think that you could really use an out right now? You had no idea what to say!

"Well, to be honest, I really shouldn't have gone at all if you think about it..."

So, you spoke without thinking. And immediately, you could tell that was the wrong answer, the words even stinging your own self the second they came out. Freddy's hurt expressions stinging even more as you lowered your phone.

"But you have time to be out and about with your 'parents'?" Why did he say parents like that? Did he not believe you? "Okay, cool. Awesome."

"I am! Was! They're here, I didn't have a choice, they made me come." You explained hastily. "Plus, I am busy. This paper is super important for me to get done, you know that."

"Yeah, I do. I also know that it was assigned months ago... why would you be doing it now, last minute?"

Holy shit... he really didn't believe you...

But it's not like you wanted to admit you had stupidly put it off for so long, either...

"Freddy..." You sighed, tossing your arms in uncertainty of what to say next. All you had was excuses. "...I didn't mean it. What I said. I'm just-"

"-Busy, yeah, I know."

More tense silence filled with the idea that you were losing him. Not only as a crush, but as your established friend as well. And god, were you trying desperately to mend it before it broke. You clicked your phone off, shoving it into your pocket completely out of sight.

"We can walk around right now if you want. Just until I have to leave?"

"Nah."

Ouch.

"I... don't want to walk on my leg more than I have to. See you around, (Y/N)."

. . .

──────────── •⚡️• ────────────

... 'Snap'!

"Stop doing that, it's annoying."

And you did, for a mere moment just to give a side eye towards your sibling before continuing.

Pull... 'Snap'!

Pull... 'Snap!

P u l l. . . 'SNAP'!

"Ow..." you winced.

"Would you stop it?"

"Shut up...!"

"Hey...!" The warning yell of one of your parents stopped the bickering and the rubber band pulling, but it didn't make you want to cry any less.

"Cool it back there. This is supposed to be a nice family outing..."

If anything, it made you want to cry more.

"Well, I didn't want to even be here, so..." You mumbled.

And it was true, you didn't, having wished you had protested more earlier. Then maybe your essay would be done by now. And maybe Freddy would still be your friend...

You cried.

Well, not in the car. But you did the second you finally arrived back home, to the haven and privacy of your room to let it all out. Frustrated and defeated, your wrist still stinging and itching with welts you knew the hair tie snapping would create. But you didn't care, at least, not about the last bit. It was stress relieving, so at least it counted for something good. It was done with good intent, and wasn't that all that mattered? Wasn't that enough?

Shouldn't that be enough for Freddy? He was- No, he is your best friend. And sure, you might've unintentionally pushed him away, but it was for a greater good. You were sure. Blocked him out with a good intention, if... that even existed. So, with such logic, apologizing and molding things back to normal should be a simple task, yes?

Yes, good. Perfect. That made it easy to set aside for a later moment, hastily wiping your tears and taking in small breaths before setting yourself at your desk. Not the bed, because you would not be falling asleep this time. You would write, write wrute, type, type, type until you were done. And that's final.

. . .

There it was again. That blocking feeling. But it came back different this time, unusual and almost unfamiliar to the normal writers' block.

Freddy. Freddy. Freddy.

That's what it was. That's all it was. The words you had said, his face twisted in disappointment and sadness running through your mind over and over again. How you had hurt him.

Ugh, you couldn't do this.

9:30p.m.

You couldn't bear it. And, pathetic enough, you couldn't even bring yourself to text him. To let him know it was all your fault. To even just apologize.

You went to bed.

You'd cram all of your needed tasks in tomorrow with a fresh, clear mind...

──────────── •⚡️• ────────────

This time, you had awoken to complete silence. And way later than last time, which you supposed was needed due to the fatigue of Friday through Saturday's events...

Upon doing some further snooping around the house, you had gathered the fact your family had gone out without you this time. And albeit you couldn't help but feel a little hurt, nobody having even attempted to wake you let alone invite you, you knew it was overall in your best interest.

You had a conclusion to write. After an afternoon breakfast and a fresh pair of comfy clothing, you situated yourself right back at your desk. Your laptop fully charged. Any and all disturbances out of sight, therefore out of mind. And eventually, after a good stare at the words already there, at the florescent blue light of the screen, the creative juices began to flow. You were off...

The blessing of finally being able to write lasted for only a few more hours, the sun setting and the noise of the city outside becoming evident as you leaned back in your seat for a break. A good stretch and rub of the eyes, a well-deserved swallow or two of water...

'Bonk-Bonk-Bonk'

Your brows knitted, lips unconsciously forming a pout at the consistent sound against your window. It confused you, the noise something you hadn't heard in a while. Something you only ever heard when expecting-

"Oh my god, Freddy...!" You gasped, having walked over and cautiously slid open your window. The sight of him scared you enough to practically jump back as he came tumbling onto your floor. A fall that worried you, of course, but neither of you could focus on that given a mere, lazy collapse to the ground seemed like nothing compared to the rest of his injuries.

"Oh my god, Freddy..." You repeated in utter dismay, covering your mouth with your palm for maybe a split second before you were immediately stooped by his side in order to help him sit up.

"What happened, why are-? Oh my god, there's so much bl-"

"-I'm okay, I'm okay..." He reassured quietly, moving his hand up and down as if to say, "Calm down." Not that it did any good, your eyes scanning over each and every cut and/or bruise you could find before delivering your final questions.

"What are you doing here? You...need a doctor or-or something, how did this even happen?"

He laughed, almost as if there were something funny that you didn't get. Some twisted inside joke. Twisted, because it left him...well... like this.

"Being a superhero is harder than it looks, (N/N)..."

A pause.

"Are you delirious or something? I- Y'know what? Okay, I-... Stay there, don't move."

As if he'd even try. He watched as you jogged out of your room, able to hear you rummaging around in your bathroom for medical aid while his brown eyes scanned your room. It seemed to have remained in the same state as when he last saw it; neat and tidy, minus a few distraught blankets and cords. He traced a thick, gray one up to your desk, noticing it was plugged into your still on and running laptop.

His brows furrowed. He could see the small words, even from his place on the floor by your window and almost wanted to slap himself.

You really were finishing up an essay. The easy, if anything. Instead, he chuckled. Of course you waited until the last second to do it. How (Y/N) of you.

He had to fight off his blush (and a startled jump) when you came rushing back into the room, arms filled with supplies and a worried expression etched onto your face.

"We didn't have a lot, but I really don't want your cuts to get infected..." He heard you mumble, shakily pouring bits of alcohol onto a cleaning pad.

"It's gonna sting..." You warned, Freddy nodding as fast as he could and sending you the wave of a hand, already knowing and preparing himself for the sensation. And when it came, he bit his lip to hold back what would've been squeak coming from his throat.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry..." You soothed through whispers, wrapping and/or bandaging as quickly yet accurately as you could. "You really should've gone to the E.R., Freddy, I can't-...I feel-...I can only do so much."

"Geez, you really don't want me around much, huh?" He joked, but even you could see the way it held some truth as your actions slowed, looking into his eyes in hopes he saw the truth in yours.

And if not, you'd damn sure say it.

"Freddy, please..." It was almost a scoff, but your tone had dwindled into something much more sincere. "Of course I want you around. I always want you around, you-. . . You make me happy, especially when a lot of things don't. Okay?"

He seemed to be mulling your words over, the boy shuffling every now and again at any certain pain that felt a little too sharp, or when you squoze a bruise a bit too hard.

"I-... It just doesn't feel that way, I guess. Sometimes, I wonder if you even like me." Again, he laughed as though he had spewed a funny joke. You couldn't return it, simply shocked at such a theory before quickly debunking it.

"I like you a lot!!"

. . .

"Sorry, that was...loud." You apologized, earning you another laugh at such sudden passion. "But I do like you, why wouldn't I? I just...had a lot on my plate recently, and I didn't know how to handle it. Especially telling you, so I just...I dunno, I guess I pushed you out, hoping you'd just... know."

Freddy smiled, one that exuded comfort and understanding before pushing your hand to the side so he was able to look at you properly. To hold your cheek in the palm of his hand and admire your face, watching at how you didn't even fight to melt into his touch.

"I'm sorry." He apologized. "I'm sorry that I didn't understand. I'm your friend, so, it's kind of the one job I had and I failed... but, I don't want you to ever feel like you can't talk to me. Or that I won't help you when things get difficult."

And for an extra touch, he gave your hand a squeeze of reassurance. The same hand which held the pad of alcohol in it. You hadn't noticed it when droplets went rushing down your hand and to your wrist, too caught up in the moment. All too ready to express your gratitude and mutual appreciation for him.

But you sure as hell noticed it when it stung you. Burned you, felt more like it, leaving you to let out more winces and whimpers than Freddy had during the cleaning off all of his injuries combined.

"Woah, hey, what's up? You okay?"

"Yeah, just-"

You were fast to yank your hand away, squeezing the sleeve of your sweater around your wrist in an attempt to aid the stinging feeling you were experiencing. This confused Freddy. Enough so to where he forced himself to fully sit up so he could properly inspect whatever was causing you any pain. It was bad enough that he had left you emotionally distraught and that he now needed you to take time off from your work just to help him heal from his recklessness...

The least he could do was return the favor of medical help.

"Here, lemme' see."

You didn't even get to go, "No!" yanking your wrist away from his gentle hold once again in a flurry of panic and unexpectedness.

"What is it? Are you okay?"

You eyes were wide and you didn't understand why you felt such dread. A fear of him seeing what you had never shown anyone, even though it had never occurred to you to be upset about someone finding out before.

Er...not that you were hiding it. Were you?

"It's...nothing, I'm fine. Just let me finish cleaning you up so I can-"

"Hey..." Freddy stopped your swift movements, his heart pounding at just the mere thought of you hiding anymore pain from him. Had someone done something to you? If so, he should've been the one protecting you. It was now his turn to experience the feeling of anxiety swelling in his chest.

"You can tell me, it's alright. I won't be upset, just... talk to me. Okay? Trust me."

And you did. You didn't know if it was his words or the tone laced within them. Whether you were just tired of fighting it or being upset with him. Or him being upset with you. Tired of pushing him away and... who knows? Maybe if he knew, then you could stop...

You slowly inched your arm in his direction, visibly shaking from both the sting of the remaining alcohol and the piling nerves as he steadily bunched up your sleeve.

At first, there was no expression. No words, no nothing. Was he even processing what he was seeing? The red, fine-lined welts up and down your wrist and forearm, some older and healing, some... very fresh. It made you so jarringly aware of how hard you had actually been snapping the hair tie all of this time.

"(Y/N)....what-"

"It was supposed to help." You interjected, fighting back tears you hadn't even noticed arrived. "I read this thing on this website somewhere, and I just- I- I read it, and..."

Tripping and stumbling over your words made you want to just give up all over again. And yet, even though you refused to look up to see the expression of disappointment on Freddy's face, you could feel it. And that was just enough for you to keep desperately grabbing at straws to defend your wayward actions.

"I... I used to...do worse, I was messed up. Really messed up, and it was the only thing that made me feel better. Relief, I mean, maybe not better, but-..."

You choked back a cry.

"I read this thing, and it said that a good alternative as a way to stop would be to snap a hair tie instead. It-It's less than... y'know... and it...I-...I'm sorry."

"(Y/N). . ." Freddy started his sentence with nothing more to say after the whisper of your name, watching as you couldn't help but finally burst into tears right there on the floor in front of him. It was a moment in time when he realized there was nothing much he could say or do, only wanting nothing more than for you to be okay.

"Please don't cry, it's not... it isn't your fault, (N/N)."

You couldn't pull yourself together enough to elicit proper words, wishing you could just express everything you were feeling in one go. Or at least console Freddy because that's what he came over for, after all. He needed you to be there for him, patch him up, and you couldn't even do that. Instead, things have come down to being all about you again.

Little did you know, it's not like Freddy much cared. He'd rather things be all about you and you be okay rather than no one giving you the time of day and you're suffering.

"Here, c'mere..." The boy urged, pulling you closer on his own accord when you didn't budge. "I'll clean them for you this time."

You nodded in thanks as you leaned against his chest, watching carefully through your tears as he slipped the pad of alcohol from your grip gently and began to pour some more onto it.

"And when I'm done," he continued. "There won't be a next time where I'll need to do this, 'cause we're gonna find some even better alternatives together, 'kay? Better than a hair tie."

A silence lingered in the air as you sniffled, only speaking up just before he could press the pad to your welts.

"...You mean like... like a scrunchie?"

. . .

"Pfft-!"

Freddy attempted to shield his laugh away from you, but quickly didn't bother anymore as your broken laugh joined in at your own distasteful joke.

"That's- No, you're- Oh my gosh, that's awful..." He spoke through giggles he fought to contain, even though the comment seemed to lift the both of your spirits instantly. Well, until he had to clean up your wrist...

──────────── •⚡️• ────────────

Freddy's brows furrowed when he realized the sounds of your winces and hisses were no longer to be heard, even when he'd press the damp pad to your wrist or forearm. He was about done, anyways, but he stopped to check on you and became flattered to see that you had fallen into a peaceful sleep against him.

He smiled down at you, admiring you for as long as he could while finally wrapping up your arm the same way you had his cuts and bruises. And, though he would've been more than happy to hold you like this for as long as he could (yes, even if it was on your floor), he looked around the room and was swift to realize there were still a few more tasks that needed completing.

But, most important, your essay. Considering the amount of emotional turmoil it seemed to have caused you over the weekend, he figured it should be something you no longer had to worry about. As carefully as he could without waking you, and scooted and withered his way out from under you, allowing you room to stretch out against the floor. It couldn't have been the best of comfort, but he'd address it later, making his way over to your desk and in front of your open laptop.

. . .

When you woke back up, you were alarmed to no longer feel the weight of Freddy's arms around you. It made you pop straight up, your head and eyes looking around the room like a baby bird who had just hatched until finally, they landed on the body sprawled across your bed.

You almost wish it were you, your mattress much comfier than the ground beneath you. He really just left you there on the floor and took up all of the space, pillows, and blankets, huh?

You eventually urged yourself to stand, knowing you'd have to clean up a little bit at some point and finish your paper before you could join him, but stopped right in your tracks when you noticed the change in screen.

Assignment Due: Monday, 9:30a.m.

Status: Turned In/Completed

"...What, bro...?" You muttered through a rasp of drowsiness, changing directions to head for your desk rather than the clothes and lose trinkets on your floor.

Once you were able to scroll through and read your submitted essay, which you at first thought you might've accidently turned in unfinished on accident, you skimmed over the end and were more than elated to see it had magically finished itself.

Well, okay, maybe not magically...

You looked back to Freddy's sleeping figure, grinning ear to ear at what you knew was his kind gesture. Finishing your paper for you. You'd have to thank him a thousand times in a thousand ways, as many as you could think of. Words couldn't express how grateful you were, not only for him doing your essay but for him in general. You stared at your wrapped up arm, finding yourself smiling harder than you thought possible.

"I love you." You spoke aloud, flopping onto the bed without much care, simply full of giddy for how much you adored having Freddy in your life.

"You're so-"

"...I love you, too..."

You perked up when his sleep murmurs interrupted the start of more praises, smiling down at him in both fondess and amusement as he wrapped an arm around you. Unconsciously...

He had responded to you in his sleep.

Was that a lame ending, or was that the 'Boom, super profound mega happy ending' I saw it to be in my head...?

Idk yall, you tell me 'causeeee....💀✋🏽. But seriously, I really hope you liked this, I finished it up right when my sickness finally went away so, yeah💕🥴.

~ Star✨️

Back to the Master List

[thenatureofnarrative]

Best Films of 2022

The basis of my annual list is simple, these are the films that were for me, mesmerizing and memorable. These were the cinematic experiences that either provoked a depth of emotion and/or provided a whole lot to talk about. These are the films that I could not forget and I cannot wait to see again.

After you read this year’s list, you can also find last year’s list here, and if you’d like to watch an epic conversation about the best films of the year I encourage you (or dare you) to watch this video. You can also follow me on Letterboxd and read #BehindTheScreens at Loving Is Moving Magazine. 

1. All That Breathes

Six days before the Academy Awards, I accidentally watched the best film from 2022. This was the last thing I expected, but I can’t deny it, All That Breathes, is a stunning achievement and undeniable masterpiece (and to my surprise, for the third year in a row, an Oscar-nominated documentary has taken my top spot). For the first ten minutes of this film, I almost didn’t believe it was a documentary. The camera movement was so deliberate, the scenes so elegantly staged. It felt like I was watching a narrative feature about the city of Delhi, and three men who ran a bird sanctuary; but it wasn’t a work of fiction, it was real life captured on film with exquisite craftsmanship. Ten minutes turned into half an hour, and then an hour. Only in the final thirty minutes did the documentary seams start to show, but by that point I was already enraptured in a story about social divisions, religious persecution and ecological collapse, told through the microcosm of these three men and their commitment to help and heal a specific species of bird. Which might sound strange or absurd at first, but the truth is, nothing could’ve felt more important as I watched this quiet and meditative masterpiece. On Crave-HBO.

2. Babylon

Director Damien Chazelle has been climbing my ranks for years. I have loved each and every one of his films. And with each new release he’s appeared higher and higher on my Best Of lists, and this year, in rather shocking fashion, he has [almost] arrived at the top. But let me make a - - DISCLAIMER - - most people should not see this movie. It’s graphic and vulgar, it’s about deplorable people living debaucherously, but, what caught me by surprise is that it is also a heartbreaking work of beauty, spilling buckets of truth and tragedy. Basically, Babylon is a film for cinephiles only. It will only grip your heart if you’ve had a lifelong obsession with movies. Otherwise, it’s too much and too long for most audiences…but for me, it was transcendent. That said, for those willing to endure it, they will recognize that the excess has intention, and the cynicism is by design. You’re not supposed to like these people, but by the end you will understand them, and maybe even hurt for them. Hollywood was once as low as vaudeville, and as crooked as carnivale. Some say it still is, it’s just dressed up and sold out for mass consumption and corporate earnings, but it was once a safe haven of inclusivity (as well as artistic madness and mayhem). Then the money moved in, along with standards and practices, and it seems something was lost. But then again, the story of Babylon is really just one set on repeat, taking place again and again throughout all of human history. The mystery (or miracle) is that despite our own depravity, we’re still capable of creating something beautiful.  On Paramount+.

3. The Banshees of Inisherin 

If you were to make a map of the conversations and cruelty found on social media, and added to it the existential despair and loneliness of a pandemic, this film (or fable) would be the topographical transparency you place atop it to bring everything into focus. The Banshees of Inisherin is the perfect parable for our time; or maybe every time. From social divisions large and small, to the seeming futility of a simple kindness - whether it’s 1923 on an Irish isle or 2023 on a continent of connection - the threat of isolation and insignificance is always after us. Thankfully, we have Martin McDonagh and a career-best performance from Colin Farrell to act as a salve. On Hulu and Disney+.

4. Resurrection

Last year we were given a lot of valuable and important films about women, but for me, Resurrection, was the top. I’m not sure I can fully articulate what a remarkable achievement this is. It was an experience like no other. Intense, terrifying and unforgettable. This is a film that wraps its arms around you, and then slowly starts to squeeze, tighter and tighter, until you realize you’re being suffocated. Resurrection is a story of psychological terror, exploring the effects of patriarchal horror, abuse, manipulation, PTSD and parental paranoia. And yet, by the final scene, I wasn’t confident I understood everything that took place - but that was ok, because it taught me something. Rebecca Hall, once again, proves she is one of our greatest living actors, and Tim Roth achieves an air of evil I’ve almost never seen on screen. On Shudder and AMC+.

5. Top Gun: Maverick

This is real movie magic. This is entertainment at its best. Tom Cruise is really acting. They’re really flying those planes. I was really on the edge of my seat. Simply the most fun I had at the movies in 2022. On Paramount+.

6. She Said

This is an exceptional film and important addition to the journalistic genre. She Said is a suspenseful, empathic and powerful true story about giving voice to the voiceless, and shining a spotlight on the strength of women, no matter the circumstances, whether mundane or monstrous. The performances across the board are incredible, but beyond top billing (Carey Mulligan and Zoe Kazan), it’s the cast of supporting characters that really set this film apart. Every interviewee, victim or anonymous source (Samantha Morton, Jennifer Ehle, Zach Grenier), all of them, steal their own scenes, and accumulatively build toward a climactic pursuit of truth and justice. In addition, it’s the small and subtle changes to “traditional” scenes of journalism that elevate this account. From pregnancy and postpartum, to domestic schedules, fashion choices, and even expressions of faith, the honesty and integrity of this film’s portrayal of female journalists makes it more than relatable, it makes it real. Available to Rent.

7. Apollo 10.5

Like some of the greatest films from Richard Linklater (who has his own sort of sub-genre of Americana-Cinema), Apollo 10.5 can simultaneously be understood as nostalgia and nothing more, or an extraordinary exploration of meaning through adolescent memory. This isn’t so much a story, as much as it is an autobiographical essay or creative writing project that allows the lines between historical events and childlike wonder to be blurred. It’s a non-confrontational journey through a very specific time and place (Houston 1969), that is excessively sincere and extraordinary. This is a film that kept me engaged and entertained in a way often reserved for memoirs. On Netflix.

8. Emergency 

This is a film that has a little bit of everything, and delicately keeps it all in balance. Emergency is a hilarious and endearing college bromance movie, that is elevated with intense (and even terrifying) twists and turns, due to its social commentary and examination of the lived experience for people of colour. Because of all this, the screenplay is Oscar-worthy in my opinion and is awe-inspiring. I laughed, I cried, I was on the edge of my seat, and I’m confident there’s nothing else quite like it. Also keep an eye out for the two young stars: RJ Cyler and Donald Watkins. On Amazon Prime.

9. Prey

This is an incredible action-horror adventure, expertly crafted with care by Dan Trachtenberg, with thoughtful and poignant Indigenous representation. The story not only permits a unique historical context, but it leverages its setting to give us more time with our predator-prey-protagonists. I have never been this invested in the characters of a Predator film before; and in fact, this one is superior to the original. On Hulu and Disney+.

10. Kimi

This was my first film of 2022 and it remained one of my favourites. An absolutely thrilling and inventive thriller from Steven Soderbergh and David Koepp. Kimi is a Hitchcockian homage, set in Covid, brought to life by a protagonist with agoraphobia and PTSD, and elevated by some meta casting and incisive direction. It’s a stunner of an achievement and a perfect example of thoughtful entertainment. On Crave-HBO.

 Honourable Mentions (alphabetically):

Aftersun (Available to Rent)

After Yang (Crave-HBO) 

All Quiet On The Western Front (Netflix)

The Batman (Crave-HBO)

Everything Everywhere All At Once (Amazon Prime) 

Nope (Available to Rent) 

The Quiet Girl (In Theatres)

Tar (Available to Rent)  

Thirteen Lives (Amazon Prime) 

Women Talking (Available to Rent)

[mangodestroyer]

Analysis like this is why Crowley and Azirphale are my current hyperfixation. You're right, there really is so much to unpack. I sometimes have to wonder about Neil, even Terry, at times. Moreso Neil Gaiman though because I've read his books (but haven't yet read a Terry Pratchett book), and I find it interesting how there appears to be themes of characters going through some adverse interpersonal relationships. Especially with parents. Is everything alright, Neil?

I personally find neurodiversity and cPTSD to be a bit of a nightmare at times. Oh, don't get me wrong, I do get along well with some people. Not everyone in my life has hurt me. But enough people have. I've stopped masking my communication disorder as much because I've found that the only worthwhile people are those who love me when I'm being myself. And I actually find that people love me more when I embrace the things that make me different. Being guarded and repressing my true identity seems to be something that lets the wrong people in and scared off people who might have actually wanted to get to know me. So yeah, like I've said, there's a lot of work to do. Learning how to be a healthy human being and whatnot.

And again, these two are now my hyperfixation. I mean, I am so utterly OBSESSED. I've never been so fascinated by two fictional characters. Never in my life did I ever think I'd look at an angel and a demon working together to stop Armageddon and say, "We have so much in common!"

It's also just sometimes hard not to go on long tangents about them when someone brings up something I've been thinking about. Or never acknowledged before but find fascinating.

And you know what? Because Crowley and Aziraphale seem so much like neurodivergent humans who came from abusive households, it was impossible for me not to start writing a human AU analyzing what I think they'd be like as, well, humans! Oh, sure, I also used it as an excuse to work through my own problems trauma dump through my favorite characters, but there really is more to it than that. Because there are so many other things that kind of make Crowley and Aziraphale stand out from the other angels and demons. So they are neurodivergent and have trauma. In the human AU, I have also made them atheist/agnostic. Because they seem like the celestial version of that as well. I put a lot of thought into how they'd navigate a human world without supernatural powers, what their life experiences would be, what they'd be like if they were young (they're in their 20's in this fic rather than being middle aged like their actors), and so much more.

And let me tell you, I have also fallen so much in love with their human versions. Like, I'm sorry, but I love the idea of young Crowley being edgy at times cause he hasn't processed his trauma yet (he's not supposed to be abusive or anything, he just sometimes gets very cynical about stuff, tries to act like he's cool and put together and failing miserable at that, and unfortunately failing to be mindful of others at times because of neurodiversity, depression getting him stuck in his own head, and realizing he needs to learn more about the world and still has some growing up to do). Also, he's a dork at times cause of his youth and lack of experience with shit (after all, this Crowley didn't have 6,000 years to figure stuff out). It'd probably make more sense when actually written out. The early 20's are just odd, especially when you're from a rough background and are neurodivergent because you are an adult. But you don't feel like one. You still feel like a child. So while you are more mature than a teenager, you still struggle with handling adulthood. And you sometimes still have blunders. Or maybe that's just been my own experience. As a ND adult. Maybe NTs do have it easier (but I'm not sure about that either cause I've had older people tell me that when they were my age, they were still having some angst and struggling to "get" it, and these people are NT). Idk, maybe I just feel like early 20's angst doesn't get enough attention in stories.

I'm not really sure how to describe my Aziraphale. He's just... Aziraphale. So perfectly Aziraphale. I love Aziraphale! He's intelligent. He hyperfixates on things. And Crowley is more than happy to let him do so cause he likes seeing how passionate he can get. He's also sassy. He's kind most of the time, but I want to believe that he is capable of saying something that stings if you really upset him (kind of feel bittersweet and nervous about the chapter where this is relevant, but I think it is necessary to add this into my story as it goes back to the whole being inexperienced thing, trauma stunting you, ND causing embarrassing mistakes and disheartening results, and showing the protag is flawed and needs to figure shit out). But let me tell you, while he's not exactly smooth with everyone, I just like the idea of him sometimes being smooth with Crowley. It's a trope and a take on the character I like seeing in other fics. Even if Crowley sometimes teases him in canon (he teases him in my fic too). So he's not always smooth. He's just another weird (in a good way) adult who appreciates the soft dork Crowley actually is deep down.

I'm sorry, this story has been living in my head rent free for a while now. It's an extension of my GOs brainrot. Like I said, these two are literally consuming my soul. And when I do see human AUs, it's often these two in middle age. There actually isn't a whole lot of young Crowley and Aziraphale. And I think that's a shame because there is so much you can do with that. And also, it would be adorable. I can't even put it into words right now why it feels so special to me. It just makes me so oddly nostalgic for them because it's young (but not immature) love. And it's wholesome. And I wish I could experience it irl.

Like you said, lots to unpack. Lots of brainrot to be had.

I am certain no one has seen Aziraphale before Crowley.

The archangels look at him, but their vaguely-disgusted sneers and veneer smiles were already affixed as firmly as their hands are clasped together. They look at him, but they don't see him.

I'm certain that when Crowley looks at him curiously, it doesn't make him feel bothered, it makes him feel SEEN.

[mgsapphire]

My K-drama recommendation master list Part 2

You can find part 1 here

Look, you gave us relatively new recommendations, what about ones older than 10 years? I'll give you my top 5

Princess Hours (2006) Is a modern Cinderella story. It's 24 episodes long. Available on Viki.

Personal Taste (2010) Honestly, problematic plot if you put your mind into it, but entertaining nonetheless. It's 16 episodes long, each one lasting a little over an hour, available on Viki.

Cinderella's Sister (2010) You hate every character, but there's still something that makes you watch it. Available on Viki.

Thank You (2007) was ahead of its time, it's about a single mother with a daughter who has an HIV+ diagnosis. 16 episodes long, each one lasting a little over an hour. Available on Viki.

Stairway to Heaven (2003) for a good melodrama.

What about romantic fantasies involving fantastic beings?

Guardian: The lonely and Great God(2016) A classic of the genre. It tells the story of a God who was once a man, and is being punished by immortality, unless he meets his bride, who just so happens to be a high schooler centuries later. Available on viki. 16 episodes long with 3 specials, all lasting about 75 minutes.

Hotel Del Luna (2019) it would be unfair to talk about Goblin, without talking about this other masterpiece about a being cursed into immortality and granted special availabilities along with it, but a curse is still a curse, and she must run a hotel meant for ghosts, where after centuries of being, meets a young man who is alive. Availability on Viki, 16 episodes long and each one lastz about 75 minutes.

Tale of the Nine Tailed (2020) You get to see Lee Dong Wook as another mystical being, and Kim Bum is his half brother. 16 episodes long and one special, each one lasting about 65 minutes. Available on Viki.

My roommate is a Gumiho (2021) what's up with gumihos? It's still airing. The title is self explanatory. Available on Viki and Qiyi.

Angel's last mission: Love (2019) is a cute and sad story about an angel who is about to ascend and a ballerina who has a cynical view of the world. Available on Viki. Each episode averages 30 minutes, with 32 episodes.

Doom at your service (2021) About to finish airing. It tells the story of a dying woman who wishes doom upon the world, and the doom who answers her plea. Available on viki, 16 episodes long, each one lasting about an hour.

The Scholar Who walks the night (2015) another Lee Joon Gi entry, but I swear all of his works are great, it's a period drama that tells the story of a scholar who is a vampire and the young bookseller he meets. It's 20 episodes long, each one lasting about an hour. Available on viki. Also, if you've liked Lee Soo Hyuk in Doom at Your Service, I advise you check this one out.

Tale of Arang (2012) two Lee Joon Gi entries in a row? Girl, you have to stop. Anyways, this one is another period piece of a magistrate who can see ghosts and the ghost of a young woman who doesn't remember her life, nor the cause of her death. Available on viki, it's 20 episodes long, each one lasting a little over an hour.

Look, those are fine or whatever, but I started as a K-pop fan, where can I see some idol dramas? Don't worry, I came prepared

Full House (2004) with Rain as the main character is the og idol drama in my opinion. Available on Viki. 16 episodes long, each one lasting about 73 minutes.

Imitation (2021) is currently airing, and it's literally an idol drama about idols. You can find a looot of idols too: Jeong Yun Ho and Park Seong Hwa from Ateez, Chani and Hwi Young from SF9, Park Ji Yeon from T-ara, Lim Na Young from I.O.I and Pristin, and although Jeong Ji So is not an idol, she is the main lead, and I absolutely love her, she's also in Doom at your service. Available on Viki.

Miss Panda and Mr. Hedgehog (2012) features Donghae from Super Junior, and if I'm going to recommend a Super Junior drama, I would rather recommend one featuring him over Siwon.

At a Distance the Spring is Green (2021) is currently airing too, and only has four released episodes, but I've liked it so far. Featuring Park Ji Hoon, and Kwon Dun Bin. Also, I have a lot of opinions about this show. Available on Viki.

I was going to put an IU drama but, all her dramas are good, so go and watch them all, the woman has range.

Dream High (2011) is the king of idol dramas, in my opinion. It talksa about a high school for people who want to be idols. Another one with a long line up of idols, so let me start: Suzy, IU, Taecyeon, Nichkhun and Wooyoung from 2PM, Ham Eun Jung from T-ara. Leeteuk (SuJu and Chansung (2PM) make cameos. Similarly to Imitation, Kim Soo Hyun is not an idol, but he's the main lead. It's 16 episodes long, each one lasting about 65 minutes. Available on Viki.

Wow, quite a few, but they all seem rather popular, do you have some underrated gems? I'm going to have to go down memory lane, but I do

The Queen's Classroom (2013) This one feels like a fever dream, because I'm aware it exists, I watched it back when it first aired, but I can't find it anywhere now. It's based on a Japanese drama of the same name. It's about a strict but warm hearted teacher and her students' lives and struggles. 16 episodes long. DM me if you find anywhere to watch it.

1% of Something (2016) is a really cute drama, the chemistry is off the charts, and if you're looking for skinship, this one is the one for you, underrated arranged marriage kdrama, I'm telling you. It's 16 episodes long, averaging 45 minutes, and it's on Viki.

I'm not a Robot (2017) has a really cute plot, not underrated per se, but not hyped enough. It's 32 episodes long, each one averaging 30 minutes. Available on Viki.

Do you like Brahms? (2020) is a music themed kdrama, really cute and wholesome. If you like 2setviolin and watched their critique on their YouTube channel, let me tell you, the cast actually knows how to play violin and stuff, and there's an actual child prodigy in there. It got so much hate bc of that one yt video. It's 16 episode long, each one lasting about an hour. Available on Viki.

Solomon's Perjury (2016) a good reflection on youth and the pressure society has. 12 episodes long, lasting about 63 minutes each. Available on Viki.

The Greatest Love (2011) is a super entertaining TV show, and just supper funny and cute. 16 episodes long, each one lasting around 65 minutes. Available on Viki.

Two Cops (2017) if you like Kim Seon Ho, I think this was his TV acting debut. It's a hilarious action comedy TV show. 32 episodes long, lasting around 30 minutes. Available on viki.

Do you have any recommendations where time traveling or time is central to the story?

Alice (2020) look, I can't give you a full explanation because it's too mind bending. Let's leave it at detective meets his mother. Available on Viki.

Signal (2016) The premise is similar to that of the movie Frequency (2000) in which there's communication between the past and the present via technology. The plot is based on the real Hwaseong serial murders. Really interesting. Available on Netflix. If you like the premise of communicating with the past via technology Call (2020) is a Korean thriller movie available on Netflix.

Chicago Typewriter (2017) this one is about reincarnation but we get to see both timelines. Available on Netflix.

Tomorrow with you (2017) Time-traveling but make it ✨depressing ✨. The story of a man who time travels, and how that ability messes with his marriage. Available on Netflix.

What about historical dramas? I don't really watch those, but here are some I liked

The Moon Embracing the Sun (2012) is one of the few I've finished. It's really good, it follows the love story of a king. Available on viki. 20 episodes long, each one lasting about an hour.

Gunman in Joseon (2014) Am I recommending you this one because of Lee Joon Gi? Maybe. It has 22 episodes, each one lasting about an hour. Available on Viki.

The Crowned Clown (2019) a story of the Prince and the Pauper if I must give you a description that is relatable, but if you know the book titled Skogland, it's closer to that. It's 16 episodes long, each one lasting about 80 minutes. Available on Viki.

I'm a little ashamed to say this, but do you have any BL? I do, I do

To My Star (2021) is a story about an actor and a chef, and how they learn to cohabit after the actor is forced into hiding. You can watch either the movie version or the drama version, both available on viki.

Color Rush (2020) is a modern romance fantasy about people called Monos who can't see any color unless they meet their Probes, however this may turn dangerous as the Monos may experience obsessive behavior, so what happens when a young high schooler meets his probe?. You can either watch it on its drama or movie version. Both available on viki. By the way, if you're a long time deobi and was wandering what happened to Hwall, he's one of the main leads.

You Make Me Dance (2021) follows the story of a university dancer who is in debt and his debt collector. Available on viki in both versions. The movie is 107 minutes long.

Just Friends (2009) is a short film, but ahead of its time, if you can't tell by the year it was released on. It's a cute story about a man who visits his boyfriend in the military. I found it in dramacool.

That's all from me, if you have any specific genre or them you felt I didn't add in, do feel free to tell me.

[writer-ish]

grace (Mason x f!Detective)

Some of you may know my new co-obsession (along with @playchoices) is @seraphinitegames‘ The Wayhaven Chronicles and one (1) grumpy Greek vampire in particular.

Anyway, this little drabble was in my head after completing the Book 3 Demo for the millionth time and now you all need to be subjected to it as well. Enjoy? (Takes place sometime after Book 2, but before “that scene” in Book 3)

tags: @utterlyinevitable , @ethansramsey , @otherworldlypresents , @aworldoffandoms , @raleighcarrera , @ejunkiet , @starrystarrytrouble , @terrm9 (reply or dm for add/removal!)

grace

Pairing: Mason x f!Detective (Grace Bennett) Length: 3.2k words | Rating: T (Language) Summary: A detective and a vampire try not to catch feelings for one another OR denial is not just a river in Egypt. 

“It only ever works if one of you cares more than the other.”

It was something Tina had said once, in a rare, cynical moment, fresh off a break up.

The two of them had gone out for drinks post-patrol one night and, as the evening wore on, Tina’s mood had descended in direct correlation with the growing number of empty glasses around them. Still, it hadn’t been until the cigarettes came out that Grace had really known they were in trouble.

“Trust me, Gracie.” Her friend had punctuated her words with haphazard gestures, cigarette wobbling precariously between two fingers, a fine dusting of ash drifting down to the table. Taking a drag, she’d released a thick plume of smoke from her mouth and nostrils before continuing.

“There’s no such thing as equal when it comes to love. There is always the giver and the receiver. The one who cares more. Who loves more. And—”

At this, she’d pointed the glowing ember at the end of her cigarette right in Constable Grace Bennett’s face.

“—You better hope it’s them and not you.”

Former Constable, now Detective Grace Bennett hadn’t thought about those words much in the subsequent years. Relationships weren’t really her forte, after all. There had been the disastrous two years in college with Bobby — in hindsight, one could hardly attribute “love” to anything that had happened between them — and, more recently, a few first dates that sometimes turned into second dates before fizzling out completely.

Hardly the stuff of romance novels.

So it was unfortunate that Tina’s old advice had chosen to rear its ugly head in her mind now, of all times, when Grace had found herself in a—situation where love was the absolute last thing she wanted to consider.

It wasn’t that she didn’t care about Mason. Of course she did.

What else would you call almost incurring the wrath of an entire civilization of ancient Estonian mirror creatures at the expense of saving his miserable life?

It was just that things were...

Complicated.

Leaning against her beat-up silver hatchback, she willed the pounding of her heart to settle as the night spring air enveloped her in its cool breeze. She took deep and even breaths in and out of her nostrils, contemplating just how complicated things were, exactly.

First of all, wasn’t dating a colleague generally frowned upon?

Grace had never broken that rule in all her years on the force and she hadn’t had any intention of doing it as a detective, either, never mind as part of her mother’s top secret supernatural government agency.

Not only that, but what if said colleague had also made it abundantly clear, in more ways than one, that they weren’t looking for anything exclusive or serious in any capacity?

Had, in fact, made it a point to preface almost every sexual encounter with some variation of those very words?

And to even further complicate matters, what if said commitment-phobe colleague also happened to be supernatural themselves? More specifically, a vampire who was a few years shy of his centennial?

What then?

And yet — bear with her, here — let’s say, said commitment-phobe centenarian vampire colleague also looked at her as though she were the only human on this planet that he gave a damn about, the only one who could make his smile curl up on both sides, the only one who warmed those steel-grey eyes into molten embers, the one who—

Her train of thought cut off abruptly as she heard the doors open to the police station. There was a thick fog cutting the night air, the warmth of the day lazily giving way to the coolness of the night, imparting an almost dream-like quality onto an otherwise ordinary parking lot.

Grace waited, peering through the haze, until the object of her musings appeared. His unruly dark waves swung around his cheeks, just barely brushing his collarbone as he stalked towards her, hands buried deep in his pockets. His shoulders were hunched up close to his ears, which she knew was scant protection from the cold he must be feeling.

Her heart inadvertently gave a little pang at the thought and she could’ve sworn she saw his gaze narrow slightly as it happened.

She continued to take him in while she could, eyes lingering on the crystal around his neck that seemed to glow from within, a warm cerulean pulsation, before drifting over his leather jacket, burgundy henley, and worn-in jeans, half-tucked into his partially laced boots.

“Thanks for waiting,” was the first thing he said once he was in ear-shot.

Any passer-by might have thought he was sincere: Thanks for waiting for me by the car. For not leaving when you could have. Thanks for offering me a ride.

Grace, however, understood the sarcastic undercurrent of his words. Thanks for leaving me in there to deal with your mother and the rest of the agents. Nate’s disapproving glances and Felix’s gleeful ones. Thanks for ditching me.

There was never any true bite to his words, though, not anymore—even the borderline derisive ones. Instead, he stopped about a foot in front of her and straightened, his full lips quirked slightly, an unlit cigarette dangling between them. She had to crane her neck to look up at him and his grin grew wider.

“Ready to go, sweetheart?” he murmured, taking the cigarette out of his mouth.

She cleared her throat, unable to stop the blush from creeping up her neck. 

Even after all they’d been through — all they’d done — she still couldn’t prevent the slow crawl of heat that always seemed to accompany his presence.

“Yeah,” she said gruffly, turning to open her door and hoping maybe this time he hadn’t noticed.

One glance at the way he rolled his lips, hiding an ever-growing smirk as he rounded the back bumper of her car to go to the passenger side, told her that there was no chance she had been that lucky.

They got in quietly and she started the ignition — on the third try, ignoring his snort and slow headshake — before they were off.

“You know,” she said after a beat, even though she kicked herself for always being the one to break the silence, “I don’t think I need a babysitter anymore. Things seem quiet now.”

Mason scoffed.

“Things are never quiet,” he replied bluntly. “There’s just the hurricane or the eye of the storm.”

She felt his eyes on her after a moment and she held her breath, waiting for him to continue.

“Why? Getting sick of my company, sweetheart?”

“No!” she blurted out quickly—too quickly. “It’s not that, it’s just—I mean, I feel bad for you, to be honest. I’m sure there’s other things you’d rather be doing—”

“There’s nothing — and no one — else I’d rather be doing right now.” He’d said the words casually enough, as though completely unaware of the tumult they would cause within her system, his head still tilted languidly against the headrest of her passenger seat as he watched her.

“Well—” She fumbled for words. “That’s—I’m glad.” Nice one.

He chuckled low in his throat. “What is it about you being flustered that just gets me going?” He shook his head. “I’ll never know.” 

She couldn’t help the little laugh that escaped her. “I hate it,” she admitted. “You make me feel like my brain is constantly short-circuiting.”

“I’ll take that compliment.”

She took her eyes off the road briefly to look over at him. Sure enough, he was still staring right at her with a little smile quirking the side of his mouth up. She couldn’t help the return smile that she felt crinkling up the corners of her eyes.

His face changed slightly, smile dropping.

“Jesus, sweetheart, keep smiling at me like that and you might need to pull over.” He fiddled with a fresh cigarette before popping it in his mouth. She waited a beat, but the lighter never came out.

“We’re here anyway,” she said, pulling into her apartment complex and finding a spot easily. “You’ve officially completed your chaperone duty.” She hazarded a glance over at him. “Did you…” She cleared her throat. Be bold, Gracie.

He’d already turned his whole body in his seat, one hand braced on the dash, the other elbow digging in beside his headrest. He watched her carefully, amusement dancing in his eyes.

“Did I?” He pretended to mull over the incomplete question. “The answer is most likely yes, I have.”

He leaned closer until she could feel the warmth of his breath swirling in the space between them. No longer imbued with the scent of burning tobacco, instead it had a sweetness to it, a freshness that reminded her of an unopened pack of cigarettes before they had been tainted by a flame.

“I have, I would have, and I certainly will again,” he continued, leaning forward even closer.

Grace bit her bottom lip and his eyes shot down to it immediately, seemingly transfixed by her tooth caught in the flushed redness of her mouth.

“Finish the sentence, detective,” he murmured, eyes still fixed on her, the cool grey seeming to emanate with a glow all its own.

“Did you want to come in?” she breathed, her own eyes darting down to his mouth in return.

His hand cupped the back of her neck, fingers tangling in her dark hair as he pulled her towards him.

“Always,” he said against her lips before capturing them with his.

Grace felt herself drowning in the moment, the same rushing vortex of emotion she felt every time they kissed. She’d thought it would get easier — that it had to — that it wouldn’t feel so all-consuming, so vital each time.

But as his lips slid over hers, tongue stroking and tasting and always drawing more and more from her, as she carded her fingers through the tempting obsidian waves of his hair and tugged him closer still, the desire to devour him too persistent to ignore—

She knew she was in deep. Too deep. She cared—too much. And there would be no getting out this time — at least not with all her vital parts attached.

* * *

Mason never thought he would like anything more than fucking.

It was intrinsic to his very being, the combustive need for release at all times — not just sexually, but entwined within his very existence. A need to be released from the hold of his senses, from the overpowering strain of existence—the sounds, the smells, the sights. All of it.

His desire to remove himself from the harshness of reality was a constant endeavour — and sex just happened to be the easiest and most pleasurable way to do it.

But he had to hand it to his little detective.

The sex was good, that was for sure. No doubt about it.

But the kissing—

In his almost one hundred years on this planet — at least the ones he could recall — he couldn’t remember ever being this affected by goddamn kissing of all things.

It had to be the little noises she made. Murmurs and moans against his mouth that he wasn’t even sure she was fully aware she was doing.

Or the way she pulled at him, drawing him closer each time so she could press her body against his, feel the length of her torso flush with the entirety of his.

She reminded him of a little burrowing creature, nuzzling at his jaw and neck, gripping the collar of his shirt, squirming to get under, over, inside him.

He squeezed her tightly — moderating the full extent of his strength, obviously, but still forcing her to emit a small breathless gasp at the feeling — and pulled her across the console towards him.

“Settle,” he murmured against her ear, dragging her fully into his lap. It was an effort — her legs kicked the dashboard, the radio, and the glove box before she could tuck them under herself as she buried a giggle into his shoulder.

“This car is not made for that sort of lateral movement,” she informed him, shifting to try and get comfortable.

“Oof,” he grunted as her knee hit his midsection. “God, you’re heavy.” It was patently untrue, but he knew he’d get some sass back for a comment like that and he found himself eagerly anticipating it.

She didn’t disappoint. Leaning back, she braced her hands on his shoulders, a lock of dark hair obscuring half of one of her hazel eyes. A street lamp illuminated her cheeky, exasperated grin as she tilted her head and regarded him.

“Is that so?” She wiggled around purposefully and he groaned in unspent desire as her perfectly round bottom found all the right places in his lap. “Would you care to file a complaint?”

“Christ, no,” he muttered, pulling her towards him once more. “Let’s get out of this aluminum death trap and go upstairs.”

Kicking his door open despite her protests to be careful, he tightened his hold on her and lifted them both out of the car, bracing his legs on the pavement as he stood.

He knew she was anticipating that he would release her, drop her to her feet and continue forwards to her apartment, likely with her trailing behind — his long strides swallowing up the pavement much easier than her shorter ones — but he found himself enjoying the steady, rapid beat of her heart against his shoulder, the comforting heft of her in his arms. He found himself hardpressed to let her go.

So he didn’t.

“Mason!”

She let out a gasp that dissolved into a laugh as he hefted her higher up and over his shoulder, unable to stop himself from giving her ass a playful slap as he carried her to her door. She kicked her legs ineffectually, thumped his back lightly with her palms as she squirmed. He only held her tighter against him.

“Stop moving, detective,” he ground out, the cigarette dropping out of his mouth as he turned his head to bite whatever part of her was closest to his cheek.

She yelped as his teeth made contact with the side of her upper thigh, hard enough that she’d be able to feel it through her jeans.

“Keep it up and it’ll be harder next time,” he promised, carrying her effortlessly up her steps. He paused at her front door. “Keys?”

“They’re in my pocket,” she grumbled and he made a big show of patting her bottom — both sides, thoroughly — before pulling them out of the pocket with the obvious protrusion and unlocking her door.

He let them in and kicked the door shut behind him, then took two strides into the small space and deposited her unceremoniously on the couch.

“Geez,” she spluttered, moving her hair out of her face. “What are my neighbours going to think?”

“Sweetheart, I hate to break it to you, but with the noises you’ve been making lately, they’ve already drawn their own conclusions,” he drawled, crossing his arms and regarding her with a half smirk.

She just shook her head at him, her eyes glittering with mirth—and something else, something less easy to discern or define. 

Before he could decipher it further, she threw him off with another question:

“What’s gotten into you tonight?” 

Her tone could have been accusatory in nature, but instead there was only a mild sense of awe and a greater sense of amusement. Regardless, it still took him aback.

What, exactly, did she mean by that?

He admitted to himself that there had been a certain feeling of—levity, about him tonight. An air of calmness, of — dare he say — happiness, at the thought of walking out of that station and seeing her waiting for him. Of knowing that he got to go home with her. To hold her. To taste her. To fuck her.

And then to leave her.

“Into me?” He regarded her warily, before moderating his reaction and his tone. “I’m more concerned with getting into you tonight, detective.”

“I have a name,” she retorted, sitting up and smoothing her shirt out. “You haven’t used it once since we left the station.”

Yeah, she had a name. He knew she had a fucking name. Grace. How ironic.

“Call me Gracie,” she’d said to them once and he’d almost puked.

What in the everloving fuck was someone like him doing with someone called Grace? “Grace” meant kindness. Charity. Good will. “Grace” meant mercy.

Mason had never had, nor had he ever wanted, anything to do with mercy.

And this girl—woman in front of him tonight, was the embodiment of her name. Everything kind. Everything compassionate. Everything merciful.

He crossed his hands behind his back so he wouldn’t have to look at them.

“Are we doing introductions again?” he snapped and then immediately regretted it when he saw the stricken look on her face.

All of a sudden, everything felt too overwhelming, his senses in overdrive as he lost his grip on her presence, her heartbeat. Instead, he felt a tidal wave of unwelcome sensations: the smell of the toast she’d made that morning, some flowers she had in a vase that were on the cusp of dying, the light he’d turned on when they walked in shining right in his eyes, the conversation and heavy footsteps of the people in the apartment above them— 

Compulsively, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigarette, placing it between his lips, ready to light it.

Her eyes followed him, watching him closely. He didn’t know if she realized that something had changed in his demeanour or not, but her gaze on him made him itchy, too, in a different way.

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, he bit down hard on the cigarette, crushing the filter.

“Should I leave?” he muttered, feeling his shoulders hunch. Knowing he looked and sounded petulant and hating himself for it, but being unable to moderate his emotions enough to lift up the necessary shields.

She continued to regard him silently, those all-knowing hazel eyes, wise beyond their years, stripping him down to his scars — external and internal.

He suppressed a shudder.

“I’m going to shower,” she said eventually, “and wash off the grime of the day.” She gestured around the apartment. “Feel free to stay and get comfortable.” Then, she swallowed hard and met his eyes briefly, before looking away and shrugging. “Or go. It’s up to you.” She walked towards the bathroom, tossing her jacket on a chair as she went. “I’ll be a few minutes.”

The bathroom door closed — and locked, decisively.

It would be so easy to just bounce. Two steps to the door and then minutes before he could make it back to the warehouse. To his own bed. To the rest of his unit. Where things were easy and no one would ask questions. He could even go to a bar. Find another warm and willing body to lie with. One with a sensible and meaningless name, like Michael or Jennifer, whose eyes would be as empty as their head and who would smell all wrong and who he’d leave behind without looking back even once, because he didn’t give a shit about them.

It would be so easy.

So fucking easy.

Mason heard the shower turn on.

He thought about how she’d feel when she came out of that shower — thought, too, about her skin flushed and damp, only a towel wrapped around her, just because he couldn’t help himself — knowing that she’d given him an opportunity to stay and he’d chosen to go. 

He found himself caring, for the first time, about how his actions might affect another person’s feelings. 

He looked at the front door. Then he looked at the couch.

And he sat down.

* 

Thanks for reading! I have a smutty part two planned, let me know if that’s something you’d be interested in. 😅

[jennycalendar]

Oh your “Jenny being alive would make Giles WORSE in season 6” sounds Fascinating please expand!! (If you would like)

took me a hot minute but thank you VERY kindly for enabling me <3

so as y'all know, the point i always hammer home on dreadfulcalendarwoman dot tumblr dot com is that giles's character arc starts and ends with jenny. like she is the turning point for him in EVERY way wrt the way he chooses to interact with the world, despite her never being top priority in his life. i actually think it is so deeply interesting that buffy's unwavering love for giles is not enough to pull him out of his determined isolation, simply because she is The Slayer and she's Fated To Die and while she's come to terms on some level with her death, giles doesn't ever completely seem able to come to terms with the concept of losing her. so it's actually not gonna ever be buffy who can spur giles towards growth, partly because of that and partly because of the fact that she cuts him SOOOOO much slack. like that's her dad! she wants him to take care of her! she will forgive SO much of him.

jenny does not do that with giles. jenny draws lines and sticks to them to the best of her abilities and we have seen in canon how badly giles deals with those lines -- like in ted, where she essentially says "you being around me is bad for my recovery right now" and he behaves like she killed his dog or something. but the thing is that he still does register and respect that she's got boundaries, and he does try in his own way (hindered as he is by what some might call an unhealthy obsession with jenny) to adhere to the rules she sets down. there is also a very clear problem here in that jenny is super fucking inconsistent and what she allows giles is completely changeable and arbitrary up until the dark age -- like she is deliberately yanking him around because she wants to see how complete her control over him is, and still doesn't totally believe that it's absolute. and then of course GILES thinks that jenny KNOWS she has absolute control over him and is deliberately USING it, which i think definitely contributes to the resentment and anger of the angelus mess. but that's just canon.

ANYWAY i wanted to talk about that because i think it sets the stage REALLY NICELY for giles and jenny's dynamic in a canon where she lives! jenny represents this sense of normalcy and stability in giles's life -- in a lot of ways, his obsession with her is centered around this idea of her as his future wife and long-term life partner, which is something he never thought he would get to have or even WANT to have with anybody. canonically, in season three, the loss of jenny causes giles to double down real hard in his role as a watcher -- reflected in his suddenly incredibly rigid and starchy wardrobe, but also in the way he's no longer pursuing connections outside the scooby gang at all. losing jenny in canon makes it clear to him that he has nothing but being a watcher, and that he will fail at that as well if he allows himself to love someone the way he loved her (see: acathla). and loving jenny brought giles such profound joy that i don't think he ever wants to really handle the concept of never having that again, so of course he throws himself into watcher stuff instead of confronting that.

but in a canon where jenny lives (even in a canon where they spend the third season continuing to be a fucked up mess, which i think is realistic -- it's gonna take time for them to build something healthy after all the we-are-never-ever-getting-back-togethers of season two), giles no longer has that reason to double down as a watcher! instead he has this enduring and consistent possibility that he is allowed to love somebody without it blowing up in his face, and i think that that would genuinely help him so much. he wouldn't need to adhere so rigidly to Watchery Standards, he wouldn't WANT to do the cruciamentum if it ran the risk of hurting buffy -- he would start letting go of this pessimistic, cynical view of the world and the fact that buffy's doomed to die, and work instead on cultivating a home and a surrogate family with jenny. like at his core giles is a homemaker and he longs for community and family and a sense of belonging, just like the rest of the scoobies! he canonically likes being cast as the patriarch but labels himself as an "uncle" because it still gives him an out. i don't think he'd want to wriggle out of familial attachment if this was a world where he never had to experience losing jenny.

THING IS THOUGH, this is still a world where he loses BUFFY. and while canon giles cultivated this very deliberate distance between himself and buffy in an attempt to prepare for the eventuality of her death, this version of giles is one who has started to genuinely view buffy as a daughter and support her in that way as well. there's no emotional distance that he can fall back on to support himself through his grief. he has lost his daughter. in so many ways that is worlds worse than losing jenny before he ever got the chance to really love her, and i think it would have the potential to wreck him on a level that rivals canon.

so season six giles would be handling his grief in the same way that canon giles did -- he's throwing himself into a role that distances himself from the trauma of losing somebody he loves. this time he is ACTIVELY trying to distance himself from buffy -- not "for her own good," but because he just refuses to handle his grief, and even her coming back wouldn't shake his sudden understanding of the fact that she could die just as horribly and permanently again. and so in THIS version of season six he is very aggressively defining himself as Jenny's Husband and trying to push jenny towards having their own biological children and absolutely ignoring the fact that because of his insistent refusal to acknowledge his loss, his marriage is falling apart. he no longer wants to view himself as a watcher or as connected to buffy in any way, because he never ever wants to lose her like that again. that's his daughter. he cannot love her anymore because losing her destroyed him and he can't go through it a second time.

and jenny is just having A Time because she is a smart cookie! she sees why this is happening and she wants to be able to help giles through it! but she literally can't help giles when he is refusing to admit that there's even a problem. and poor buffy who is still dealing with the trauma of being ripped out of heaven also has to deal with and in some ways cater to giles, whose grief prevents him from being there for her in the way that she was genuinely expecting from him. like i think this is a canon where buffy and giles's relationship could have been at the place for her to tell him the truth, but then she comes back and he is a fucking mess and she does the whole depressed repression thing and tries to take care of him. Which Does Not Go Over Well With Jenny.

i'm not sure how this gets solved. i actually wrote a chapter of this a billion years ago wherein jenny and buffy and spike and dawn start forming this weird and incredibly sad family unit after giles leaves for england, and jenny and buffy kinda mutually struggle with this idea of a mother/daughter relationship after years of weirdness between them. i think that the onus would really be on giles to pull himself out of it, because he would have effectively burned his bridges with his wife HARDCORE by that point -- but it would still be a version of giles who had three more years of emotional stability than in canon. there's always a chance.

[hopeymchope]

Akudama Drive

I feel like I should say something about Akudama Drive now that I’ve caught up on it. Kazutaka Kodaka (the creator/lead writer of the Danganronpa series) is credited as the “Scenario Writer” on this anime and Rui Komatsuzaki (the character designer on the whole Danganronpa franchise) designed all the characters here. Plus Kaihō Norimitsu, who adapted much of Danganronpa 3 into scripts from Kodaka’s written story, also collaborated with Kodaka to script this series. So all of that compelled me to check it out. 

Just like a lot of things Kodaka has touched lately, the exact level of his involvement is unclear. Some sources say he came in after the anime was already in the works and just rewrote the characters. Others say the entire central concept and setup was his to begin with. There are certainly things that feel like Kodaka here — the overt influence of Western films, the collection of quirky weirdos that make up the cast (with one “ordinary person” at the center of things)  — but I don’t know how much of that is really him. Maybe it was already there before he got involved. Or maybe not. Kodaka did say that regardless of what he wrote out or suggested or collaborated on with Norimitsu, the director (Tomohisa Taguchi, whose credits include two of the Persona 3 anime movies and the Persona 4 Golden anime) had final say. Which only muddies the waters of his involvement further.

Either way, I really enjoyed it. It didn’t ever turn into a “Oh my god I’M IN LOVE with this” kind of anime that I was obsessed over, but it was consistently, increasingly compelling as I went along. The basic setup is “team of eccentric, super-powered (?) criminals called ‘Akudama’ are brought together to pull a big job in a dystopian cyberpunk setting,” and the less you know beyond that, the better. It started out feeling kind of basic and generic, but the more I watched, the more I found myself sucked into it. It’s got a bangin’ OP and the visuals are pretty gorgeous. If you’re at least somewhat versed in the various movies that the episodes are named for — especially the more cynical, darker films cited — you can probably predict a lot of the twists and turns along the way. But even when I knew what was coming, I was interested in the characters and setting enough that it was worthwhile to see it play out. And they definitely still surprised me in a couple of ways. 

Plus it’s always nice to see an anime about actual adults instead of high schoolers. That doesn’t come along too often. 

If I have any gripes, it’s that the ending left me wondering too much about the how, and there’s one specific way that the world’s internal logic seems inconsistent. But those were pretty minor complaints.

This seems like a largely self-contained story, but I’d love to see them do another season where they expand further on the setting. There’s a really rich society with a lot of interesting implications set up in here, and only 12 episodes seems like selling it short. Since these characters had a satisfying wrap-up, I think each season could focus on all-new group of Akudama struggling to make their way. But I’m just fantasizing here; I think this is very likely to be one-and-done. And as a standalone 12-episode story, it’s pretty strong. 

Oh, and Komatsuzaki created this Danganronpa/Akudama Drive crossover art for a magazine cover. Which is awesome. 

[ganymedesclock]

I absolutely love your Hollow Knight headcanons, and I have a question because I'm curious what your thoughts on this are: do you have any headcanons about Lemm? What's his deal, where did he come from? Furthermore, how do you think the interaction would go if he ended up meeting Quirrel at some point?

Hollow Knight is one of those exciting SpIn franchises for me where if I don’t have headcanons about a particular character I’ll string ‘em together pretty quickly because I just like the world that much.

Lemm, incidentally, I have thought about! So I’ll just toss out a sorta randomized tasting platter here under the cut.

Lemm offhandedly mentions other relic seekers but rather than a scholarly order he suggests they’d be jealous of him or compete with him, so he clearly has peers. He also tells Ghost that if they want to move into the City of Tears he’d prefer they pick an empty building AWAY from the one he’s taken over.

He’s shown to be finicky, obstinate, and argumentative- possibly other relic seekers are closer to each other than they are to him- but even when he really, really wants something from Ghost, he’s fair with them, and he is honest with them about how much each is worth. (He doesn’t try to con you on the arcane eggs, and is sincere about how much it means to him.) He also seems to actually enjoy Ghost as an audience, and like talking about it. The description for the Void Idol suggests that Ghost potentially hangs around Lemm and learns from him more than we necessarily ‘see’ in canon.

I interpret Lemm as a wholly mundane sort of bug, no magical aptitude, but as someone who is quite brawny and physically powerful. I just like the idea that in some kind of modern supernatural AU he’d be the ostensible normal everyman keeping up, frustratedly, with all of this mystical stuff happens but then they get ambushed by a zombie and Lemm just lays it out. Overall this guy’s about as much of a desk jockey as Indiana Jones- he mentions doing long treks through the city avoiding husks.

So, to spin what I imagine might be a probable backstory; he seems less like someone who’s accustomed to loneliness or isolation, but rather someone who seeks it out. Possibly grew up in a big family with a lot of siblings, or otherwise a very rowdy environment where he felt like not much room was made for his interests and passions and him having things the way he wants them. Isolation alone doesn’t make him happy, though he seems the type to insist he is (not after neighbors, and all)- really, more than anything, he wants to be listened to and feel like someone is paying attention to him, I think.

He seems to be highly educated and may be something of an elitist snob about it at first glance, but, again, feeding into a kind of defensiveness.

Possibly his interest in history is a kind of compassion? He seems obsessed with the Hollow Knight and the identity of the Five Great Knights, so his own fear of being forgotten (?) / resentment at being overlooked may be something he tries to extend to others. He seeks those who were obscured by history. He’s more cynical about the Pale King than he is about the knights, but even then, he talks about the King’s Idols like he wonders who that person was, as well.

So, yeah, I like this mental image- young Lemm coming from an aristocratic family (his character colors match those of the aristocrat husks) but an overlooked ‘middle child’ too far from the inheritance to feel like he mattered much and entering some kind of major academia institution to prove himself and seek acclaim, only to become irritated and disillusioned with that / in part make enemies for his argumentative personality- and then putting everything he had on his back and heading to Hallownest because he’s out of patience with it all.

Which leads me to... Quirrel.

Quirrel is a living relic and he is an overlooked witness to an erased chapter of Hallownest’s history- the fate of the three Dreamers, and, through them, the Hollow Knight. He’s a key witness to the exact subject of Lemm’s obsession and a record who was not really purged, even if the pieces are in disarray, and wander in and out of his recollection.

Unfortunately rather than a tablet or archive Lemm can pour over and delve into with all of his skills, Quirrel is a person with feelings and opinions, and some of them are that, as an academic, Quirrel has a very different stance to Lemm. 

Quite simply, Quirrel’s perspective seems far more transformative than curatorial. He emphasizes seeing things with new eyes and open awe. He’s happy that he forgot much of himself, even for a time, that he could experience it all new again. The past should serve the future. This seems to be a mentality he shared with Monomon, who when she herself is ‘the past’, is actively motivated and seeks to disable her protections and help Ghost end her life in order to ensure a future- the very reason she became a Dreamer in the first place.

Quirrel’s entire story is about letting go. I don’t personally read his conclusion as an act of suicide, but rather, the symbolic death of Quirrel the Archivist- the last tie he had to his former life. So he plants his nail on the shores of the lake, and leaves to be a new person- to see what comes next with new eyes. He cared about Monomon too much to not carry her with him, to not come back to see her off, but with that done, what he did as part of this ancient magical kingdom really doesn’t matter to him anymore. The people he cared about are gone. He’s going to look forwards and move on.

Assuming he encounters Lemm specifically after this point, this would scientifically speaking drive Lemm up the fucking wall.

Quirrel doesn’t tell and Lemm usually doesn’t ask but that idiosyncratic habit of just spouting off knowledge of ancient worlds and people and shrugging it off, like, well, that’s an interesting anecdote isn’t it! and Lemm is just, no, come back here you bastard don’t depart on a tangent about wrought iron infrastructure this is my lifework we’re talking about.

It’d be a certain amount of comedy but in another sense they have great potential to learn from each other. Quirrel very much surrenders unto the flow in many ways- which is powerful in that it’s probably protected him from the plague for a long time, his ability to let go rather than being tempted down dangerous paths by stray dreams- but, also, it’s clear from his voice and body language that losing Monomon cost him more than he wants to examine; his willingness to move on might be him being a bit dismissive about his own grief.

Lemm, meanwhile, has maybe spent his entire life up to this point doubling down so hard that he’s broken friendships, estranged family, and pissed off colleagues. This stuff has to matter. Someone has to listen to him. He has to know who these people are that disappeared off into the world because it isn’t just as good as they weren’t there! They knew things! They changed things! They did SOMETHING and if no one else wrote it down, he guesses that’s his job! It’s the only way he knows how to care about things.

So Quirrel lets go a little too much, including things he’s not actually over, and Lemm clings to things to such a degree that it seems to have driven him to isolation, even when he’s happier with someone to talk to about his work.

Also one of them’s a samurai and the other’s a self-taught pugilist who isn’t above cracking some skulls and shells with weighty antiques so if you happen to end up on the wrong end of both of them at the same time, heaven help you. 

Possibly, at some point, Quirrel concedes the Madam probably wouldn’t have wanted her archive to rot when the living could make use of it and starts a transcribing project and Lemm goes absolutely fucking ape.

[shoichee]

KNB OC

Name: Shirobi Arisu

School: Touou Academy

Zodiac: Pisces

Note: I gave it an attempt to draw her portraits in the Production I.G artstyle! Excuse the lazy anatomy and messy sketch lines, er... hope they don’t distract you too bad? Also EXTREMELY long profile, hence the cut! This is a 300-follower special, but perhaps I’ll do something with Shirobi in the future! (Shirobi is her surname, Arisu is her first name)

Appearances

Personality

she is very much described to be “fox-like” in demeanor, slipping in and out of conversations naturally and with ease, being able to show different aspects and sides of her to different types of people

her default persona in encountering new people is a noble, unassuming/demure one in order to gauge how they interact with her before adjusting accordingly // you can see what that looks like here

a very innate actress, but the most cynical description of her would be “two-faced,” though it’s important to note that her personas are not so drastic that they seem like different people (like Akashi’s situation); perhaps if someone was keenly observing her for a while, they would notice

she does subtle shifts in aspects of her personality’s repertoire because of: 1.) becoming more compatible with people, and thus, having the most efficient conversations without having “annoying, unnecessary” conflicts with them, and 2.) studying people in different social settings is interesting to her

as a result of her jumping around and exploring different sides of her to different people daily, she does wind up suffering from mini identity crises and mental exhaustion very frequently

after a whole dismantle of her *mostly harmless* mind schemes (particularly by a close friend or two later on), her “true self” would be a deflective “tsundere-like” character, since her visceral reaction is for her to always slip into a convenient persona for the situation rather than being initially honest with herself and the people around her, and without the security of a “persona,” she gets flustered and embarrassed very *very* easily

hobbies in her free time include either being alone to sleep and not worrying about how to present herself or reading various works of (non)fiction (of many genres)/psychology to study people and how they tick (bonus: became a recent internet junkie after finding greater convenience in just finding articles and blogs instantly with a simple click)

irony: she finds talking to people inconvenient and tiring but she finds it intriguing to study them in all aspects of behavioral, cultural, and social means (so she kind of has to talk with people)

certified ambivert

if she does approach to someone, it’s almost never for the reasons of “making friends;” if there is no intellectual gain nor tangible benefit from talking, then she won’t bother partaking in it

because of her recent upbringing, while she may not show it, she despises arguments and fights, so when situations escalate, she will attempt to either smoothly divert the subject elsewhere and/or trivialize the matter to a degree; if all else fails, she will simply disengage from the conversation (essentially avoiding confrontation) // note: see “background” section for context

Teiko-era Personality

pleasant and friendly, albeit shy

perfect example of a polite goody two-shoes and teachers’ pet but still respected among her classmates for her genuine cordiality

very reserved individual but at this time was slowly breaking out of her shell to try to befriend her classmates to distract her mind from thinking about her home life

post-divorce/3rd year of Teiko: see “background” section for context

               *while still maintaining her amiable grace, she slowly detached herself from her acquaintances and classmates, keeping to herself a lot more while critically studying them increasingly as months went by; she began to talk with others only when it was a necessity

                                   *(occurred during her 1st year of Touou) a few months after she graduated from Teiko, she stopped going to the gym after school to observe the first string’s practices and only went to their games for Kōzō’s sake (especially when he fell ill) // her observant skills quickly picked up, even from their games alone, that the Teiko team’s dynamics have completely changed (which she relates this revelation back to Kōzō in the hospital)

                                   *her current personality will hit full force once she enters high school after graduating from Teiko

“Last Game” Personality

reverted mostly back to her genuine, cordial self, but is still very spontaneous in showing different aspects of her personality in different situations, although most who know her can see right through her now (unless she really wanted to fool them, she probably could)

attempts to be more honest with herself and with others, especially in trying to unpack years of compartmentalization starting from her Teiko years

if she’s caught off guard, she will definitely become a flustered tsundere type of person

a happier person now that she’s made friends to rely on (•̀ᴗ•́)و (e.g. Momoi and Sakurai)

Background/Family

her multifaceted personality stemmed from her home life, where her parents became increasingly volatile and erratic when interacting with each other before they finally divorced her 2nd year of middle school

she constantly observed how her parents would initially act romantic on some days, but on many other days, they’d either tiptoe carefully around each other during conversations or they’d immediately fight

                    *rather than focusing on the discord of her home, she’d observe how they’d interact with each other in every situation and how despite being the two same individuals, they both act differently with each other every time they meet, thus feeding her intrigue on how individuals act in various social settings and cues

her parents would later on (shortly before divorcing) only meet up for motives of financial discussions, decisions on who she would live with for the week, etc. and they would no longer spend time together out of sentiment and love

                    *this imprinted into her belief that conversations that bring mutual benefit/reward are much better than other casual interactions, since she sees that they don’t provoke the unnecessary conflict/fights like other interactions do (e.g. seeing her parents fight when they talk about anything else)

Kōzō Shirogane (her great uncle, Teiko’s ex-coach) and Eiji Shirogane (a distant relative, Rakuzan’s current coach) are both from her father’s side of the family, hence she attended Teiko on behalf of Kōzō’s request in exchange for him paying for all of her school’s expenses (he wanted to spend more time with his great niece before he fell completely ill)

she and Kōzō would often be on the upper floor to observe practices together, and she would be immersed in studying how players would interact with each other on and off of courts; he was the one that got her into watching sports games (basketball in particular)

she graduated from Teiko a year before the GoMs did but would frequently visit their practices after school with Kōzō (until he fell ill)

she took after her mother’s surname after the divorce

Kōzō Shirogane fell ill shortly after her parents’ divorce

after graduating from middle school, she lives alone in an apartment under Shirogane’s name

she is not close with her parents but goes to visit each of them separately once in a while when Kōzō makes her go see them

she sees Kōzō as more of the father figure and cares deeply for him, and as for Eiji, she respects and admires him, but she isn’t close with him

ever since Kōzō fell ill, she would visit him in the hospital biweekly and update him on highlights from critical games from middle school and later on, inter-high and winter cup

Headcanons

she is the opposite of Kuroko in which she has a huge presence; it could be because of her hair color, hair pins, the many ways she carries herself throughout the day, or all of the above

why does she wear tons of hairpins? we don’t know, but she thinks they look nice and keeps the unruly hair out (for convenience)

sports games are fun for her to watch up close IRL because she can detect/study the mental games and simulations sparking across different players without having to talk to other people at all // televised games are useless because they cut a lot footage and cameras jump around too much for her to discern anything cohesive on the players

(if she ever got to speak with them) the most interesting people for her to converse with and study would be Midorima (because of his oha asa’s obsessions), Imayoshi, Hanamiya, Akashi, Teppei, Mitobe (she can actually understand him), and Momoi (when she doesn’t fawn over Kuroko)

no one knows what to genuinely get her for her birthday, let alone knowing her actual birthday; the closest thing they know is her zodiac sign

                     *throughout her deduced “birthday month,” different people will approach her with different gifts with what they thought she was interested in (because of her different personas she exhibited with each person): porn mags, antiques, shopping coupons, snacks, comic gags, etc.

                     *she keeps her birthday on the down low to prevent any chances of people being suspicious of her character when they try to throw a party for her and realizing she has these drastic “hobbies” and “interests” with each person // plus she doesn’t see a point of having a party because she knows how these familiar acquaintances would act in this particular situation

                     *she’s a fan of attending other people’s parties to observe them without being in the spotlight for once

she could be considered as part of the “uncrowned” generation considering her cognitive/mental skills and deduction (and she’s the same year as them)

                     *she and riko could be rivals as 2nd years in that sense, along with Momoi when she becomes a 1st year

Role/Skill

if she ever joined a sports club, her critical role would be monitoring and improving cognitive (mental) acuity especially in the following brain functions of: information processing, memory storage, attention, and situational judgement (and how they all respond and handle high pressure), since she’s so keen on studying people and how they act in different situations

she would also study opponents’ levels of acuity especially during huge pressure and high stakes

she will note environmental factors as well as lifestyles on every player; home players would get the according lists of tasks to work on to improve their acuity (which may include diet changes, mental exercises, adjusted sleep schedules, etc.) on their own and get tested on set dates

                 *will also initially ask home players to do a quick self-survey on possible genetic factors that would affect cognitive performance as well as any prescription/drug history

during club hours, she shows a very professional, polite side that purposefully distances herself from the rest of the team, and she is initially solely there to do her job and get compensations from the coach (until eventually she stays because she actually cares for the team)

Interactions

Kuroko: (Teiko + present)

polite with each other, although both will joke with each other in such a way that others can’t really tell if a joke just passed between them or if they’re being serious

she shifts her personality to be slightly more deadpan and delivers more dry humor when she’s around Kuroko

bonus: she addresses him with the nickname “Kurokuro” with the deadpan delivery, and others don’t know whether to laugh or be concerned

she doesn’t jump from his sudden appearances; while she doesn’t detect where he pops up most of the time, when he does, she just shrugs it off casually or does the dry “ahh i’m scared” or “wahhh you scared me” with surrendering hand motions whenever people around her get a genuine jumpscare from him

Kise: (Teiko + present)

with him she becomes more expressive and mildly snickers at their jokes together

the moment his fans come though, she’ll ditch him no questions asked; their constant interrogations and verbal grillings + fangirling are inconvenient to deal with // she’ll observe their behaviors from afar and take note on fan culture though, so she wouldn’t ditch him per say

she finds the fact that Kise can switch between a serious, determined persona and a flamboyant, energetic one so quickly really intriguing to witness every single time

Kise turns to her for mundane advice because “she’s just smart,” but she finds it really annoying and often gives him vague (but still valid) answers to shoo him away

Midorima: (Teiko + present)

she talks to him the most, mostly because his oha asa obsessions and meticulous rituals and schedules are ridiculously fascinating

she takes on a more serious persona (which is easy since she’s a pretty serious-like person to begin with) and subtly challenges Midorima, poking and prodding with very well-veiled questions to uncover the bottom of his obsessions

she does study up a bit of astrology and arcana books because of Midorima // one day he caught her with an astrology book on hand, and he immediately assumed she was into horoscopes as well, to which she did not deny a thing and let him convinced himself that she was (she’s gotta do what she’s gotta do)

after that ordeal, he gave her lucky items for her sign sometimes back in the Teiko days

just two smart brains having casual conversations about school

in the present day, if Takao was there, her persona switches to the one similar to what she’d use with Kise, and both would make snide remarks about Midorima

Midorima is slightly confused in seeing a subtly different side to her but he figured it was just Takao’s antics

Aomine: (Teiko + present)

when it was the days of “Puremine,” she was a supportive character, being slightly more blunt and more outspoken

she was extremely observant of his talent, and she was one of the first people to notice that he was going to bloom in talent before anyone else while also knowing its consequences // she subtly dropped hints for Aomine to slow down his pace in practicing, playing, etc. and to take a step back from basketball, but the blue-haired boy was an idiot so he didn’t pick them up one bit ((AKASHI DID THOUGH, UH))

with current Aomine, she’s presenting a more indifferent persona while further pushing a blunter side of herself when interacting with Aomine

like Imayoshi, she’s picked up on his dilemma and inner turmoil very quickly, but she wasn’t like Momoi who was actively trying to help him // she wasn’t enthusiastic in exerting effort when she knew that what he really needed to have his conflicts resolved was a definitive showdown on the courts

she doesn’t understand the appeal of porn mags at all, but feigns interest in them especially around Aomine (when they attend Touou Academy) to figure out why are people at her age so enthralled by them; Aomine definitely thinks she’s into them and gets her mags of half naked people for her and he’s extremely smug about it (“because we’re bros together” // “you’re welcome,” as he slaps her back way too hard)

she doesn’t really hang out with Aomine in Touou, maybe sometimes after school when she finds him up in the rooftop skipping practice when she’s in the mood to study how he ticks and annoy him for certain reactions to either prove/debunk her predictions

Momoi (Teiko + present)

she takes on a “girlier” and “cutesy” personality to be more compatible with Momoi to get along with her common interests

doesn’t really hang out with Momoi during the Teiko days unless Momoi approached her first with either data analyses, questions, or pleas to come with her to either: go shopping, drag Aomine, follow around Kuroko, etc.

Momoi addresses to her as “senpai” or “chan”

(during Teiko and present) asks her questions about her “love life” with Kuroko in a way that makes Momoi think she’s someone who believes in romance and lovey dovey things (she’s quite neutral about it IRL)

when Momoi finds out they both ended up at Touou, Momoi pounces on her every chance they get and drags her around because “we’re best friends!” // she goes along with it just to see how things turn out

she ends up being Momoi’s listening ear as she rants about Aomine’s awful habits or her worries about the team

Momoi begs and pleads her to join the team and assist them in some way; she outright refused, but Momoi is also intelligent in which she comes up with new offers everyday to try to convince her

she finally agrees when Momoi asked the coach to pay her a weekly salary (poor guy, but then again he’s rich) for her work and take Momoi’s word that the addition of her would be nothing but beneficial for the team’s success

because they're both on the same team together, they both spend even more time together to do analyses on both their own team members and other schools’ players

attends Touou’s games and only watches from first row seats in the audience in order to conduct naturalistic observations on both teams; she will never be on the benches unless it’s the semi-finals onwards

Murasakibara: (Teiko + present)

there isn’t much to study on this guy; he’s as straightforward as a single-file line

she either acts more of a casual childlike persona (by calling him “Muramura” or “Sakisaki-san”) or exhibits more of a stern, serious side (e.g. the persona used with Midorima) depending on the situation/context

she definitely bribes him with snacks and food to do convenient favors (in addition to using childish nicknames), or she throws the snacks far, gives them to someone else, eats them in front of him, etc. to elicit reactions from the man-child

she knows it’s better for her own good to NOT purposely provoke the scary side of Murasakibara, but when that side does come out for other reasons, it’s showtime for her; she’s going to be observing him with hidden glee

she doesn’t talk with him after graduating from Teiko; the next time she’ll see him is during the winter cup, particularly with yosen vs. seirin // it’s another movie marathon for her just watching every players and how they interact with each other (a LITERAL showdown between Teppei and Murasakibara.... Kagami and Himuro.... Himuro and Murasakibara—yeah it’s a field day)

Akashi: (Teiko + present)

she and ore-Akashi get along swell; she is at her surface self the most when conversing with him, not having a need to adjust herself that much from her initial “polite” persona

lots of theoretical talks and hypotheses in studying people and the world; they both respect each other very much

boku-Akashi is a different story; she starts avoiding him tactfully after his other side awakens

the saying “it takes one to know one” is especially true in this case: Akashi is very much aware of her two-facedness, and she is uncomfortable at the fact of him knowing such an innermost secret about herself

at the same time, she knows about where his “other side” “disappeared” to, whereas no one else hadn’t had a clue

both know about each other’s gimmicks and personalities, and throughout the rest of their years at Teiko, it’s a bunch of mind games and careful maneuverings around each other

Akashi finds it thrilling because it’s reminiscent of shogi

she finds this stressful because what the hell please leave me alone i’m trying to avoid you

after she got over her initial anxiety of this newfound revelation of new Akashi, she carefully treads this game and takes the advantage to study how this new side of Akashi ticks

he DEFINITELY caught what she was trying to do with Aomine in dropping hints; in response, he used his role as captain to push Aomine to try harder in games

she DEFINITELY caught what he was trying to do in pushing Aomine in “motivating” him; problem was, she wasn’t going to sacrifice her effort, wellbeing, and life to go against Akashi

after graduating from Teiko, when she still used to observe their practices and games, she was still very much uneasy and tried to downplay her presence to avoid Akashi’s scrutiny (sadly, her presence is too significant) // she really wished she was a Kuroko

she was able to breathe easier once she finds out later that they’re both going to different high schools; she continues to watch more of Rakuzan’s games after finding out that’s where Akashi ended up attending to figure his dynamics with his team + basketball and then predict his current mannerisms off the courts

when ore-Akashi comes back, she’s suspicious at first, but after confirming his character in person, she’s relieved that the “old him” was back (but slightly disappointed that his other self is gone // she kind of found that side of him more interesting to observe)

he still knows how many personas she has under her disposal, but he isn’t going to snitch any time soon

GoMs together: (Teiko + present)

to not give away the fact that she shows different sides to everyone, when everyone gathers/is nearby, she (at least attempts to) becomes a wallflower to observe everyone and act appropriately in the situation if she’s ever addressed to in the group; her name will always come up in some shape or form so she’s prepared to present a neutral persona without throwing people off

since the GoMs all attend different schools, it’s easier for her to socially maneuver around, however she is still cautious when near crowds (before/after games) and groups of people (such as Touou’s team) because they tend to call her over (but she’ll smoothly pretend she didn’t hear/was preoccupied and she’ll slip away)

Haizaki: (Teiko + present)

dear god, she hoped not to ever directly interact with him

he was a morbidly interesting person to observe, from far away // she’s trying to comprehend how this one middle schooler is already so immoral and violent

he’s definitely tried to hit on her, but she smoothly slipped away before he did anything else

it was a never-ending game of weasel and snake; he fancied her because she was someone who was mysterious and “hard to get,” but she’s always slipping away because he was extremely annoying to converse with and she definitely doesn’t want to end up in a fist fight with this guy

this constant chasing was significantly quashed after Akashi ordered him to quit the team (who’s to say that Akashi hadn’t also noticed that Haizaki was trying to harass her? respect women juice)

Haizaki noticed her outside the stadium before his match with kaijo a year later; she was outside ready to enter in before he blocked her way, but after a lot of sugar coating and sidestepping to try to diffuse the situation (she fooled him by feigning interest in him using a slightly more flirtatious, sly persona), she escaped from his grasp once again // it agitated him and that’s why he continued to prowl around outside before he chanced upon Alex and Himuro

Imayoshi: (present)

this guy is an Akashi; he picked up on her multifaceted personality frighteningly fast

except that instead of being wary and observant of her like Akashi would, this guy openly makes passive-aggressive remarks referring to her personality; no one except her would understand his real intentions behind those comments (they inwardly scare and piss her off)

he also had the upperclassman advantages to openly talk to her very casually and harp on her (on the other hand, Akashi was a year younger than her), so he very much does every thing to get under her skin and rile her up

she employs a more sarcastic persona to match up with Imayoshi, but that just makes him more determine to break her facades; in the end, to keep her cool, she just settled for a default polite persona while still shooting occasional flippant responses at him

TLDR; this guy has the same hobby as she does in getting reactions out of people to study them, except Imayoshi is an actual psychic in deciphering people out; perhaps he’s even better at these things than her

Momoi unintentionally helps her out by always telling Imayoshi to “stop bothering her so much,” and all he does is a mock-surrender, replying cheerfully that it was all in good fun

he definitely makes her job harder by trying to be a smartass when she gives him instructions and lists in how to improve his mental acuity; she quickly shuts his attempts down, and he always calls her an “absolute killjoy”

while she knows it’s beneficial to observe an individual who has a similar hobby like herself to see and compare the similarities/differences, Imayoshi makes it really difficult because his keen senses plus her huge presence makes him able to pick her out most of the time

                     *she’s only able to safely observe him when he’s on the courts

                     *other times, she dutifully avoids him unless when she’s doing her job

are they friends? it’s hard to say; they act like they’re familiar with each other but it’s a love-hate relationship // she respects his intuition but she frowns on his personality (it’s the fact that he acts like he knows everything and she knows he also puts up a few “nice guy” facades of his own)

he’s probably the first guy to actually break through her personas completely and get her to snap and yell at him unabashedly one evening when they were walking to a nearby convenience store because he was tagging along (Momoi was with Aomine at the time)

                     *at that moment, she probably also gave Imayoshi a shock for his life for the first time outside of the games

                     *she coughed and went back to her polite persona like nothing happened and that just made him so much more amused

they’re frenemies and rivals, trying to outdo the other in poking each other mentally and out-acting the other

Sakurai: (present)

first impressions of this kid: she pities him a lot

sometimes, she says various things to see if he‘ll apologize just to see which trigger words get him in a sweat to say “sorry”

she’ll either be a *gentler* polite person or take on a more stern/serious side (used with Midorima and sometimes Murasakibara); the latter would be used to try to toughen the poor guy up mentally

increasing Sakurai’s cognitive acuity would be the most difficult considering the fact that (combined with Momoi’s data) there’s a direct relationship between his physical and mental stamina; if he’s extremely exhausted, his mental sharpness declines dramatically along with it

he’s not considered the sharpest tool in the shed, and his naiveté tends to show when he asks innocent questions about her and her life, and one day, this guy accidentally hit the nail on the head when he asked about her family out of curiosity, which was her touchiest subject

                     *she did have a moment of shock and took some time to recollect herself and deflect the subject elsewhere, but Sakurai picked her hesitance up as a sign of offense and spewed a plethora of apologies (to which she had to calm the boy down)

                     *from that point on, although still curious, he became a lot more observant and cautious of how she acts around other people (at first he was watching so he can learn how to not offend her and overstep his boundaries)

as time progresses (especially after their loss at the winter cup), and the more Sakurai just asks her about many things, she does loosen up around him; he does eventually bring up the topic of family (not necessarily hers, but his own) to try to encourage her to talk about her own

Sakurai would be the type of person to be uncharacteristically determined and blunt in particular situations with people whom he considers his friends: here, he would confront her and asked if she was alright and if things were going okay at home

                     *out of curiosity in where he got that confidence boost and respect for him being mentally stronger, she does open up slowly one topic/talk at a time spread out for the next few weeks

both of their different curiosities for each other would lead to them being close friends ´･ᴗ･` (she makes him a more self-assured person and he gives her time to be her true self [or at least develop one], and other than annoying her with his occasional sorry’s, he doesn’t overwhelm her with his presence)

[scope-dogg]

Mobile Suit Victory Gundam: Final Thoughts

Victory Gundam’s a series I’ve long been interested in watching before its return from its long SRW absence finally gave me the reason to go ahead and actually do it. Prior to watching it, the word-of-mouth I’d got from it was mixed. Apparently its reception at the time it was new in Japan was less than enthusiastic to the point that it effectively killed off UC Gundam as the mainstay of the franchise until relatively recently. Yoshiyuki Tomino, the creator, famously hates it and has even supposedly asked people to avoid watching it. Yet on the other hand I’ve seen fans praise it as one of the best Gundam series.

Ultimately I think it was a messy show - it was subject to budget issues and executive meddling and at points it really shows. Yet despite that there’s some really good stuff in here - enough that at least for me the time I spend with it didn’t feel wasted by the time I was through.

The plot setup is that in UC 0153, the Earth Federation is weaker and less effectual than its ever been, and a new militant spacenoid faction calling itself the Zanscare Empire seeks to take advantage of their vulnerability. They follow their queen, the newtype healer Maria Harmonia, and advocate to throw down the old order hitherto dominated by men and start a new matrilineal system bealt on motherly virtues. However, their methods aren’t in keeping with these values, as they make liberal use of the guillotine to execute dissidents and those who oppose their armed forces. While the Federation stands by idly, it falls to a civilian-led paramilitary force called the League Militaire to oppose the Zanscare Empire. One day, a skirmish between Zanscare forces and the League in Europe pulls a young man living in an illegal settlement named Uso Ewin into the fight, and he ends up piloting the League’s new mobile suit, the Victory Gundam, into battle.

As soon as you start the series you already see the beginning of executive meddling interfering with the plot. It starts in media res in the most confusing way possible - initially the Victory Gundam wasn’t meant to debut until after 4 episodes, but that wouldn’t do for the gunpla merchants at Sunrise, so the show begins with Uso getting into the Gundam and then spending the next three episodes walking it back and explaining how he got there. It’s the kind of opening that has you questioning if you’re watching the episodes in the right order.

Thankfully it does eventually get on track and it starts to get fairly good, although most viewers will likely be curious about what exactly the state of the world is - in particular, who the Zanscare empire actually are and what their plans are. Anyone with even a slight understanding of UC Gundam will be able to figure out that they’re similar to Zeon just from their aesthetics and MO, but the show doesn’t really open up with more detail for a fair while. There are other portions where the plot can’t seem to decide which way it wants to go and keeps walking back on itself, and as such there are times when there’s a serious lack of focus. As such, the overall plot isn’t especially compelling apart from those moments where it does sit down and focus for important flashpoints, most notable at the end and the segment at roughly the half-way point.

That said, it’s not like there’s no reason to watch even during the segments in between those. Victory’s got a large and fairly colourful cast of characters who are fun to watch interacting with one another. Uso, the protagonist, and much of the primary supporting cast are very young even by the standards of the franchise - Uso is 13, a record that wouldn’t equalled until Gundam Age aired. Despite this, the show doesn’t pull any punches, but the way he and his young comrades handle it makes him an easy character to root for. Much of the adulting supporting cast and characters amongst Zanscare are interesting as well, with a bunch of little dramas playing out at any one time, even though sometimes it can descend into melodrama, and sometimes characters exhibit odd behaviour. 

The overall tone is one of the things this series is most notorious for, with it being considered the darkest, most brutal and depressing entry in the franchise. Honestly, I wasn’t really feeling that. Yes, there are a lot of character deaths in this show. Some of them are cruel and senseless, and they’re spread out fairly evenly across the series, meaning that it’s not afraid of delivering a gut punch to the viewer early on. But on the whole I’ve seen a lot worse. I felt like Iron-Blooded Orphans had a lot more senseless character death, and while it’s not hard to find tragedy in Victory there was nothing that felt as brutal as, say, Kamille’s cruel fate at the end of Zeta or the aftermath of colony gassings. If you look at some of Tomino’s other works outside of Gundam you can find far worse - look no further than the endings of Dunbine or Zambot 3, or the cosmic nightmare ride that’s Ideon: Be Invoked. I won’t deny that there is an air of cynicism and despair to Victory at times, apparently because Tomino was suffering especially badly with depression while he was making it, but I’ve seen a lot worse and I think its reputation has been exaggerated a bit. In fact, sometimes I’d say it goes to far in the opposite direction, with strange humour and a lighthearted tone in spots that doesn’t really fit the series’ narrative as a whole.

Still, ultimately I found more that I enjoyed than I didn’t in terms of the plot and tone, even if there was plenty that could have been done without. As for the presentation, the level of quality wavers but on the whole it’s pretty good, at least compared to its predecessors. Things do occasionally get rough when the budget clearly got tight, and you could probably find some better looking shows from the early 90s, but on the whole it’s quite good looking. Sound and music are pretty middle of the road, with nothing really standing out but nothing offensively bad either. There’s some excellent mechanical designs in here, especially the Victory and V2 Gundams that are in the starring roles - the V2 in particular is one of my favourite Gundams, and is probably the design that established Hajime Katoki as one of the masters of the mechanical design arts. On the other hand, Zanscare’s mobile suit design is often very eccentric with mixed results - it’s another thing this series is pretty infamous for. Some designs are genuinely brilliant, but others are just strange, like the serpentine Doggorla, and the overall strange obsession with putting giant tires on everything, including mobile suits meant primarily for use in space. Overall Zanscare design is a bit of an acquired taste.

Ultimately this show was somewhat of a mixed bag but was still watchable. It was the same kind of up-and-down viewing experience as ZZ Gundam was for me, just more towards the other end of the tone scale. It’s hardly mandatory viewing, as it’s not really all that connected to anything that’s come out either before or after, and it’s definitely not a good first-time entry for new Gundam viewers, but it’s probably worth checking out once you’ve got the main UC entries under your belt.