#look I have a lot of feelings but they’re all tied up in the complicated nature of being a new student who’s terrified

[thebluestbluewords]

anti-Valentine’s Valentine’s date

I tried SO HARD to write the adorable Jal prompt that I received for Jalentines day, and instead of cute all my brain wanted to write was angst. Set in approximately D2, it’s a 3k lead-in to a longer Jal fic that I’m probably not going to finish writing.

*

Mal kicks the door of the boy's dorm open with the heel of the stupid, impractical strappy sandals she's been wearing since before dinner. 

Or at least, that's what she tries to do. Instead, because her life is a curse and the very existence of high heels is a prison, the delicate silver heel of the shoe that Evie spent hours sourcing for her snaps off. 

Great. Perfect. This is just how she wanted the night to go. 

Mal pounds on the door with her fist instead. "Open up! I brought misery and disdain for the institution of love!" 

A thump. "And chocolate?" 

"No, I didn't steal any chocolate at all from my date with the king of Auradon," Mal says, as sarcastically as she can manage with one shoe on and the other broken to pieces in her hands. "Just let me in already." 

The door pops open. "You're late." Carlos informs her. "Evie already went back to your room." 

Wonderful. 

"I don't care," Mal informs him right back, and shoves her purse, which is tiny and lilac and stuffed to the brim with all the chocolate she could fit, into his hands. "I need this princess shit off my body yesterday. I am not cut out for valentine's day, that's what I've learned, and also Ben's going to dump me and I don't care."

"Woah. Uh. Maybe you should care--" 

Mal spins around to glare at him, and Carlos immediately throws his hands up. "I MEAN, your judgement is impeccable and we all hate Ben now!" 

Ugh. 

"I don't hate him," Mal snaps, yanking her earrings out and throwing them sort of in the direction of somebody's dresser. There's still enough empty space on the top for her to recognize it as a dresser, so signs point to it belonging to Carlos. "I hate love. And valentine's day. And dating."

"You said you hated froot loops yesterday." Carlos points out. "Because I took the last of them. So like, I'm gonna take this with a spoonful of salt here. Did your date not go well?" 

Mal rips the pins out of her hair with so much force that one of them flies into the mirror. It doesn’t shatter, which is a fucking shame. She would have liked to make an awful mess. "I hate love, and I'm going to die alone surrounded by the bones of my enemies. No, it did not "go well,”” She stops ripping out pins long enough to add air quotes, which are essential to the dramatic effect of it all. "He asked if I love him back, and I told him, again, that I don't know how to love people, and he made this horrible face and was so kind about the whole thing, and just-- ugh!" 

Carlos is hovering. "I’m…sorry?" 

"I'm sorry we ever came here." Mal spits, yanking her other shoe off and throwing it somewhere in the direction of Jay's shoe pile. "I don't-- I can't be a princess. I hate that I just-- I don't know how to do anything, and I hate when people look at me like I'm supposed to know what I'm doing, and there were all these cameras, and--augh!" 

"Jay's in the shower," Carlos offers. "If you want to bother him about it." 

"I want to hit something," Mal admits. It's not a perfect solution, but she's already feeling a little bit less like her skin is on too tight now that she's got her hair loose and wild around her shoulders and her earrings and stupid, uncomfortable, impractical shoes off. "I think-- d'you want to spar with us?" 

"Can't. Homework." Carlos gestures to the textbooks he's got spread out on the neater one of the boys’ beds. "I've got a test tomorrow and if I fail I'll have to retake the class." 

Mal leans over so she can see the textbooks. It looks like history, maybe. Something with a lot of dense text and no visible math problems. "I can't imagine you failing any test, furball." she says, meaning it. How well they thrived on the isle of the lost isn't a perfect gauge for how well they're doing in Auradon, but school is school no matter where they are, and Mal can't remember her little nerd ever failing a test.

 Carlos goes even tenser at her attempt at reassurance. "First time for everything." 

"Still, you failing?" Mal scoffs. "We're in Auradon, not Wonderland. Not everything is upside down and inside out and topsy-turvy. Or whatever Allie’s sayings are.. You'll be fine." 

"I'll be better if I study. Sorry. No sparring for me tonight." 

Ugh. Mal rips another pin out of her hair and throws it towards the mirror with the others. "Suit yourself. I'm going to go bother Jay into letting me beat the shit out of him."

Carlos flashes her a little half smile. "Have fun."

“Oh, I will,” Mal assures him, and spins around to go invade the sanctity of the boy’s showers. 

The short, barefoot walk down the hallway to the boy's bathrooms gives Mal critical time to think about her plan of attack. She's wicked and awful, naturally, but she's also not especially interested in getting shouted at by a teacher for being out of bed and in the boy's showers tonight. She's had enough of being shouted at by adults who think they know better than her. She's not some Auradon girl to be controlled, so she's simply not going to get caught. 

Which means she's going back to the boys room. 

At least she'll remember to grab some different shoes this time. 

"Fuck off, Mal," Carlos calls through the door when she knocks a second time. "You can't steal my shoes." 

"I can steal whatever I want, actually," Mal corrects him, opening the door and barging in, as is her right as their fearless leader. She is Mal of the Isle, and she's not a prize to be won or a princess to be wooed. She's going to steal whatever shoes she likes. "Jay's shoes don't fit me right." 

Carlos throws a pen at her. "Neither do mine, you're just delusional about the size of your own feet. At least take my sneakers if you're going sparring. I hate when we have to dig out the poison kit after hours." 

Mal sticks her tongue out at him. Her shoes are all perfect, and she's also perfectly aware of the size of her feet, which are currently half a shoe size smaller than the one Carlos wears.  As such, their shared approximate size gives her the right to steal his shoes whenever the princess ones she's been dressed in are too much for her to manage, physically or mentally. . "I'm taking the ones with spikes." 

"Are not." 

"Are so," Mal says, diving under the bed to where he keeps all four pairs of his shoes lined up. "I'm going to add more spikes while you're not looking. Poison-tipped ones. Razor-sharp." 

"Use porcupine quills, they're barbed." Carlos says helpfully, making absolutely no motion to get up and defend his shoes.

Mal shoves aside the fallen textbook, grabs the hoodie shoved under the bed for later, and ah. There’s her prize.  Boots (with spikes), dress shoes, cleats (more spikes), and there at the end, sneakers. 

"Fishhooks," Mal suggests. "The giant ones that rip holes when they come out. And I'll dip them in bleach powder so it burns the whole time they're inside." 

Carlos shudders. "Gross." 

"You're gross," Mal rips her dress over her head, and does not wince at the popping noise the shoulder seam makes. Evie can fix it again later, or they can burn it. Whichever. "I'm taking your clothes too."

"Wash the bloodstains out before you put them back." 

Shirt. Pants. Hoodie. Sneakers. 

Ill-gotten disguise on, Mal flashes him a thumbs up on her way back out the door. 

“Hey,” Mal calls out, keeping her voice intentionally low. She’s got the hood of Carlos’s stolen hoodie pulled up over her hair, and she’s relying on the sight of a familiar size-shape-color-scheme to deter anyone from looking too closely at her. Not that there’s many students around the boy’s bathroom at 9pm on Valentine’s night, but still. She’s not exactly looking to get caught. “Jaybird?” 

There’s no noise in the bathroom except for the irregular drip of a shower head that hasn’t been turned off quite hard enough. All the money in the world, and Auradon Prep still doesn’t have showers that actually work how they’re supposed to. 

It’s ridiculous. If Mal were in charge of the school budget she’d be putting all the money into showers. A hot shower and a  fireplace in every dorm, so that none of the students have to feel cold if they don’t want. That’s the budget priorities Mal would have. Warmth, and then food. The dining hall could stand to leave leftovers out longer after meals. 

…princesses don’t think about food. She’s been around Evie long enough to know that one. Princesses are tiny and perfect without even trying. Princesses eat salad and fruit and don’t order fries with anything. Princesses are the sort of people the king is supposed to be dating, and Mal is never, ever going to become that sort of person. 

“Mal?” 

Mal does not jump. She just— startles. Just a little. “Hey.”

There’s a smile playing at the corner of Jay’s mouth. “Hey yourself. I thought you’d be out with Ben still.” 

“You know price charming,” Mal waves a hand. “Had to have me home by midnight or else he was afraid I’d turn into a pumpkin.” 

“It’s nine thirty.” 

“Localized curse. The younger you are, the earlier it thinks you should be home. We picked nine, just to be safe.” 

“You can just say you had a bad date, killer,” Jay says. “I’ll be your alibi. You need a shovel?” 

Mal snorts. “It didn’t go that badly, give me some credit. I just freaked out when he started talking about love. While we were on a date to talk about love.” 

Fuck. 

A lot more of the evening makes sense when she frames it that way. None of the bullshit they’ve found online talks about dating the king of the entire country, but there’s a lot of website with mind-numbing names like psychology today and buzzbees news that make it very clear how important Auradon brats think nonverbal communication is. 

She went on a date. On Valentine’s Day. 

With Ben. 

“…Killer?” 

Focus. 

“Fuck off.” Mal snaps reflexively. “I’m fine. Just. Plotting.” 

Jay dodges around her for a pile of fabric, which reveals itself to be his Auradon-blue team hoodie. “You wanna plot somewhere a little better?” 

“What I want is to go home, but I’m not going to get that,” Mal says thoughtfully. “I was going to ask you to spar with me, but if you’ve got any better ideas I’m open to hearing them.” 

“Breaking and entering.” Jay says immediately. “We should blow this place. There’s that all-ages club in town—”

“If I have to touch another human being I’m going to scream.” 

Jay touches her arm deliberately, a sustained pressure that doesn’t even read as touch, just comfort. Mal drinks it in like he’s pouring the comfort directly onto all the jagged, awful pieces of her soul. “I’m not a human being?” 

“Shut up. You’re mine, it’s different.” 

“You’re mine, then.” 

There’s a piece of her heart that fits perfectly again the broken edges of his. Mal couldn’t let go of Jay if she tried, not for anything in the world. Not for her mother breathing fire at them, not for Fairy Godmother insisting that it’ll be good for them to make other friends, and not for a stupid holiday that says she’s only supposed to be tied to one person, and not even the one holding on to her right now. 

“Sure.” Mal agrees, because she can’t put words to the enormity of feelings she’s experiencing. Villains don’t have feelings, but she’s reformed now, and it’s harder to describe the feelings with words than it is to have them. “We can sneak out, see what trouble we can find.” 

“You’re all the trouble I need, killer.” Jay says, too honest. “I’ll take you out of here whenever you need. Wherever you want.” 

“Sap.” 

“Princess.” 

“Do I look like a princess to you?” Mal leans back to gesture at herself. The sweatshirt she stole isn’t Auradon-blue like Jay’s. It’s an old one, ratty in the way that all their old isle stuff is, and nearly transparent at the elbows. The seams are held together with Evie’s neat machine stitching, but the thread is three different shades of red and grey all mashed together, and there’s a hole in the edge of the hood that’s exposing the soft inside of it. Her sneakers are a size too big, and laced tight to compensate. Her hair is still a mess from the violent undoing that she’d subjected it to, and she can’t be bothered to try and tame it, not when her chest is bursting with feelings that don’t have any place to go except for out of her body, in tears or screams or whatever violence she’s able to inflict that will drive the awful right feeling out. 

“The prettiest princess in all the land,” Jay says, and jumps back before the words are even out of his mouth, out of the range of Mal’s swipe. “C’mon, killer. You’re the fiercest baby dragon I know. Come out with me. We can find trouble somewhere better than this.” 

"You're trouble already," Mal grumbles, but there's no bite to the words. She wants, wholly and completely, to be somewhere else. "The gates are locked for the night, you know." 

"No problem. Besides, you can just say you're on an important errand for the king and get through all the school security." 

"I could," Mal agrees. It's not like she's afraid of a little misplaced power when she can wield it. "But it's more fun to sneak out." 

Jay's grin is a bright flash in the darkness. "Hey, I've got a stupid idea." 

Mal grunts. "Shoot." 

"I could toss you over the fence." 

"The twenty foot fence." 

Jay shrugs. "It's more like twelve feet. At least according to the build specs." 

"Which you came across..." 

"Totally legally. They're in the library, if you know where to look for 'em." 

"You're impossible," Mal sighs. "Okay, once you toss me how are we getting you over?" 

"I'll jump." 

Over the twelve foot fence. "Sure, and when you break your leg falling back down?" 

"You'll magic me back together again. Humpty-dumpty this shit." 

"I don't think you actually know that rhyme."

"I know your rhymes," Jay shoots back. "You've got magic for levitation in the spellbook, yeah?" 

"I don't have the spellbook with me, wise guy." Mal points out. "I'm not even wearing my own shoes right now, what makes you think I memorized magic that'll get us over the fence?" 

Jay's eyes are too bright. She's going to have to use a spell just to hide him, and the magic will burn her out, and they'll get stuck on the wrong side of the fence, and-- that's what she would think, if she were Jane, or someone will less awesome magic powers. She's Mal of the Isle, and she's got this shit under control. 

"Dragon magic," Jay says cheerfully, like it's not late and they're not doing something totally against all of the rules they're supposed to be learning by sneaking out to the city. "I trust you, killer." 

"I could kill you," Mal grumbles, but she raises her hands and lets the magic gather there, blue-green sparks catching on her fingertips as she pulls the spell out from her mind. "Make this boy as light as air, hop the fence without a care." 

The magic falls over Jay in a net of shimmering sparks. They absorb in after a second, but the look suits him. Mal spares a thought for her sketchbook, which is tucked away in her locker with the rest of the books she hasn't had the time to touch in weeks, and the drawing her fingers are itching to make. "You can hop it now. You'll be light enough to jump over the fence with a regular leap." 

"Sweet!" Jay turns and drops to a knee. "Hop on." 

"Piggyback? Seriously?" 

"No better way to hop it together. Unless you'd rather I throw you over."

It's dangerous, and not just physically. Mal's been doing a pretty fucking good job at squashing down the feelings she's not supposed to have for her best friends, but this... 

She's emotionally illiterate, but Jay's offer to take her out tonight is like a picture book. Or one of those furniture instructions that doesn't even have language, just pictures to follow. 

He cares about you, Mal's traitorous brain whispers. More than your boyfriend does. 

Ugh. 

"Don't do anything stupid," Mal says, even as she's the one climbing on. "The spell should be good for a few leaps, but--" 

"Can't hear you, too busy blowing this place!" Jay grunts, pushing them both upright. "Let's fuckin' go--" 

"Don't--" 

"Hup!" 

Well. At least they're on the other side of the fence now, even if they crashed directly into the school holly bush on the landing. 

"Oww," Jay groans. "Might need a little more practice on that spell. I think there's something wrong with your magic assist on the landing." 

Mal yanks a leaf out of her arm. "There is no magic assist, dumbass. I tried to tell you, but somebody decided to go full steam ahead without listening to my warning. We're over now, and that's what matters." 

Jay mumbles something unintelligible. She can only assume it's rude, given the circumstances. Ugh, holly leaves are not the hot new accessory of the season, not even when they're doing a levitation act and sticking with a single thorn into her nose.

 "Speak up or shut up, jaybird." 

"I said--" It's impossible to tell in the darkness, but it looks like he might be blushing. The school grounds are supposed to have automatic lights, but a little wire cutting took care of that for them, and they're sneaking out under cover of darkness tonight. Mal's good at knowing her crew, but she can't be sure. "I, uh, you're important. To me." 

"Don't get mushy on me." 

"I'd never. Just. We're sneaking out together, and I wanted you to know, I'd never commit crimes and misdemeanors with anyone else." 

"Liar." 

Jay flashes her a smile, but he's doing the thing where he's got a hand tangled up in his hair, and it makes him look heart-wrenchingly sincere. "Yeah, but not to you." 

Oh, gods. "Don't go having feelings on me," Mal says, swallowing down the wobble that wants to creep into her voice. "I can't handle it. Not tonight, please." 

Just like that, Jay's posture melts into something different. Not quite his usual confidence, but something closer to normal. "Sure. No feelings. I can do that." 

"I don't--" Mal scrubs a hand over her eyes. "I didn't mean that you can't have feelings, just. I can't be the one to handle them tonight. I'll do whatever you want tomorrow, just-- can we just go be somewhere else tonight? I can't handle all this lovey stuff." 

Jay's shoulders melt even further. Mal can't look him in the eye, she can't, she won't-- 

He's smiling. His hand is so, so warm in hers. "Killer." 

"I'm sorry." 

He shrugs. "Whatever. You're allowed to have a bad night. I'll take you out, we can forget this ever happened tomorrow. Easy." 

"You should have someone better," Mal cries, and the horrible realization that she's crying sets in. "I don't want feelings for you!" 

"shit," Jay whispers, so quietly that Mal is sure she wasn't supposed to hear it at all. "Dragon, we don't have to do feelings like the Auradon brats. You can just be mine, and I can be yours, and we don't have to do any of the mushy shit that's freaking you out. We can just run away." 

"Together." 

"Yeah. Unless you spelled somebody else over the fence while I was distracted." 

Mal wipes the sleeve of her stolen hoodie across her nose. "Ugh, no. I don't use magic for just anybody." 

"See, there you go. I'm honored to be worthy of your magic, your royal evil-ness." 

“Fuck off,” Mal groans, and then before she can lose her nerve she steps close enough to cup his face in her hands. There’s no magic this time, but Jay’s skin is hot and soft under her palms, and it feels like there should be magic between them. “I’m the worst girlfriend in the world, so I won’t ever put you through that. I’m selfish, and I’m flaky, and I can’t say that I love you, and I can’t ever promise that I’ll be able to say it.” 

Jay’s face is a thundercloud. “Did Ben say you needed to say it back?” 

“No, but— Ben’s not here right now. That’s the point. He’s not the person I run to when everything in the world is too much for me to handle. Ben’s sweet and all, but he’s not who I want to be with when I’m upset. Can you imagine what he’d say if I suggested running away from the grounds?” 

“What ho good chap, let me summon a car to escort you from the venerable grounds of our fine institution,” Jay picks up her thread, mocking. “And yeah, I guess when you put it that way, it’s pretty silly to think about Ben taking care of you.” 

Mal sucks in a breath. “Exactly. He’s sweet, but I don’t know how to deal with sweet, and it feels like the pressure of it is killing me. You know how to push back when I’m being a monster, and I don’t know how to fit that into one of the relationship boxes I’m supposed to use here.” 

Jay tips his head into her hands. “We could make our own box.” 

“We could.” 

“I wouldn’t ask you to be my girlfriend.” 

Mal leans in. “I know,” she tells the space between Jay’s parted lips. “I know.” 

[puppetwoman17]

I’ve been wanting to talk about this but I thought it would sound weird and kinda Mary Sue like! Glad to hear that I’m not the only one.

I’m very adamant on Cap being a pillar in not only the magic community(cause of his Champion role obviously) but the hero community as well. He’s well-known for his heroics and impossible stories about battling sentient worms and being diplomatic with alien dinosaurs.

He’s also loved for the advice he gives. All Billy wants to do is bring smiles to these peoples’ days. He dishes out advice like it’s candy and always sees the good in people. He’s great at looking at situations through multiple viewpoints and understanding everyone’s thought processes. This in particular helps with the Superman and Superboy problem. He tells both of them individually that both of their hardships are valid. Clark is allowed to feel violated because his DNA was stolen and mutated in a way that was against his consent. Connor never asked to be created, always wanting Superman’s love but never receiving it.

They reconcile, and Billy doesn’t think much of it, because it’s what anyone would do, right? No biggie. He even does something similar with Red Arrow, convincing him that he’s not just a clone. He’s his own person. He built his own life. He has his own achievements. He shouldn’t feel bad for any of this because none of it was in his control. And Roy is so damn grateful because it feels like a weight has been taken off his shoulders.

Marvel just shrugs. No biggie.

He talks Leaguers through both personal and professional problems and guides them onto a simple, honest path because adults make everything so damn complicated so why can’t you just sit THE FUCK DOWN—

Ahem.

So he helps with that too. No biggie, right? Just another good deed.

He expands his one-way business to other teams too, like the JSA, the YJ team, the Teen Titans, etc. Spends time with each of them, helps them solve their own problems whether they’re big or small.

No biggie, right?

Fucking. Wrong.

The world of heroes absolutely adores him! The other hero teams look to him like he’s the cool uncle. Despite no one knowing jackshit about his personal life, they trust him wholeheartedly. They know he’s got their back.

That’s actually what hurts, tho. Whenever anyone asks him about his life outside the cape, he gets tongue-tied. Panicked. Silent. Doesn’t say a word until a new topic is brought up and then changes wheels like it’s nothing. It hurts, knowing he doesn’t trust them. They know it’s stupid, he never had obligations to tell them anything about the real him, but it stings. Where does he go when he isn’t Cap? Does he have family? A lover? Hobbies? Pets? Why is he like a brick wall with them? Did they do something wrong?

Things get especially annoying when characters like Booster Gold(from the future) and Doctor Fate(Lord of Order, basically on the same pedestal as the Champion) know his identity and don’t even bother to hide that fact. Leaguers will frequently catch Booster making knowing jabs at the Captain, winking and saying strange things that get the Captain riled up and shaking his head profusely. Nabu is no help either, with Leaguers catching him and Marvel quietly conversing. When someone, say, Barry, shows up, Marvel stops talking.

It fucking hurts. A lot. And Billy doesn’t even notice the looks of jealousy cast at his future teammate and fellow Lord by his coworkers. The YJ team is not taking that shit because that is their den dad. Diana doesn’t appreciate that these strangers know more about her brother than she does. Flash is all confused and slightly annoyed because when are they gonna play another prank on Hal? Is he just gonna keep talking to those weirdos all day? And the next?

Billy’s honestly just happy to be here. He never thought he’d get past the age of ten, so doing all of this, helping these heroes while learning more about himself, is just great. He’s speedrunning his way through every moody, self-righteous, hurt, traumatized hero with no sweat on his back.

So yeah, he is beloved and he doesn’t even know it. You betcha that when Cap’s identity is revealed, everyone goes full mama bear/papa bear/protective older brother or sister on him. No way is he leaving without supervision.

Nabu and Booster are rolling their eyes cause hello? That’s the Champion of Magic. If anything, he’s the one they should be worried about.

Yeah, they are politely asked to leave after that. Anyhow Billy, wanna go get some hot chocolate 😘😍

Excuse the word vomit.

[k-evans-reads]

The Spare

We do NOT give permission for our works to be reuploaded, translated, or reposted on any other site. Our work is our own.

Summary: When Princess Rosie unexpectedly is thrust into a political tour of the country, a working-class Air Force Captain is assigned to be her pilot. Although the princess is unhappy about the decision, she realizes she’s stepping into unknown territory when the unexpected happens

Intro l Main Masterlist | The Spare Masterlist

By @k-evans-writes and @ourfinest-hour

Word Count: 5,672

The door shut firmly behind the Princess’ Private Secretary, leaving the four highest-ranking members of the Royal Family in the oversized room alone. An uneasy silence lingered past the echo’s reverberation, only adding to Rosalie’s anxiety. She shifted on the plush cushion, running her hand along and smoothing her skirt as she cleared her throat and looked towards her father, asking, “What did you hear from the doctor? Do they know for sure what’s going on?”

The prim-and-proper King was unusually disheveled, wearing a wrinkled dress shirt, bare feet, and unstyled hair. It was always ingrained in the Royal Family from a young age that they were to uphold the image, the one of privilege, beauty, and elegance. She could still remember from a young age the uncomfortable hours on end she’d stand straight at parades, waving and smiling at each cheering member of the public as her feet ached and cried for relief. But as the years went on, the more strict the rules would become. Seeing the vast juxtaposition of the way her father looked now only reminded her how serious this was.

Her brow arched as she took her father’s appearance in more - the heaviness in his expression, the rigidity of his frown, the hunch of his shoulders. “They’re still looking into things further but what they know for sure is that it was a heart attack,” King Joseph began, pausing as his eyes danced over the portraits of their ancestors hanging from the walls around them. Then, Rosie felt a pang of sympathy as the familiar mask slipped over Joseph, as if an outsider or staffer walked into the room - the way the tension and strain left his body in a microsecond as he sat up straight, his frown leaving his face. “They think I’ll be fine but I probably do need some time to recover.”

A soft tut echoed from her mother’s lips - one that barely toed the line of daring to challenge him - before Genevieve gently corrected his words to their children, “No, they told him he had to have time to recover.”

Rosie’s head turned to look at James as he opened his mouth, but then took a beat then let out a breath as he delicately asked, “So what does that look like?”

The tension returned to Joseph’s body and in Rosalie’s stomach as reality set in for everyone. Everyone knew that this was a lot more than just a family worried about their father’s health, it meant so much for them and the country and she couldn’t ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach as he answered, “Probably a month off completely.” The King admitted unhappily to the Prince and Princess. Subconsciously, her posture straightened as his eyes landed on her, and she avoided the desire to avert her eyes under his occasionally-scrutinizing gaze. “Which would mean that I do need you to take over my duties during that time, and Rosalie, I will need you to officially take James’ spot on the tour. I know you were hoping that you wouldn’t have to fill in but I am going to need you.”

“It’s fine, we want to do what we can to help you recover,” she began, pausing as she struggled with how to word her concerns. Navigating a relationship with her father had always been a little bit difficult when they had moments that were more normal and familial and others that were all business. Royal life may have been hailed as glamorous and exciting, but Rosie knew how complicated and burdensome it could be. At times they felt like a real family, loving and caring for one another and having honest conversations but other times, they had to stay restrained, knowing that no matter what, the crown always came first. The truth of the matter was that - at times - her father’s role and actions intimidated her. Rarely did she have the loving paternal figure at her side as a child, more often under the care of the Palace nannies while her parents fulfilled their roles. Her thumbs itched to fiddle nervously but she restrained herself, instead finally asking, “What are we going to do about touring the coast with all the protests going on? Are we cutting that out?”

The King nodded, his lips pursed as he sprung into what was likely an already prepared response, “Well I think-”

But Genevieve rested her hand on the King’s arm, causing him to cut off as she reminded him, “No, you need to let James decide. He’s the one who’s taking on your duties, remember?”

A huff of air left his lips as he nodded shortly. “You’re right,” he conceded. “James, what do you want to do?”

The eldest was quiet for a long beat, his fingers tapping lightly on the plush arm of the couch. He stared straight ahead as he thought, his eyes landing on one of the portraits as well until his gaze turned to her, asking, “Rosie, do you have thoughts?”

A smirk appeared on her lips as she looked at James, catching the amusement in his eyes at the action. “Cancel the tour and don’t make me go,” she muttered playfully, ignoring the frustrated sigh from both of her parents.

“Very funny,” James chided, lightly elbowing Rosie in the hip as her father stared at her plainly.

But Rosie shook her head, her eyes staring at James. “You know I’m not kidding,” she reminded him. She shrugged her shoulders, her eyes quickly moving over her father before she looked at James again, remembering her earlier conversations with him about their younger sister. “I do terrible on these things anyway, I think Annie should go instead.”

Quickly, the King interrupted the siblings, declaring, “That’s not happening, Anneliese is too young and inexperienced.”

Fighting the urge to roll her eyes, Rosie thought back to how different things had been for Annie as compared to herself and James’ childhoods. While Rosie and James spent much of their adolescence bouncing in and out of boarding schools, then stepping into international tours accompanied by the King and Queen, Annie had it different. She often was left behind at home, seen as “too young” while her siblings juggled their prestigious and elite schooling with the duties of active royals, despite their adolescence. There’d always been this double standard, and while she would do anything to keep Annie as far from the machine of Royal life, she wished she had the same choice for herself.

James simply arched an eyebrow, looking at the King and reminding him, “Aren’t I making the decisions here?”

But Joseph scowled, pointing out, “Well I haven’t heard you make one yet.”

Several beats of silence passed, the tension rising between James, Rosie, and Joseph. Finally, James huffed out a breath, running his hand over his shirt. “….Rosie you have to go,” he murmured, avoiding her eyes.

There was silence for a moment and Rosie could see how pleased James’ decision made their father. But despite that, she could see the struggle in James’ face as he contended with putting his sister or her duty first. “If we cut out the coastline visits though, then it would only be a month,” she began quietly, watching James carefully. “We would avoid the protests, and then I’d be back and dad can do the rest once he’s better. This seems like a great solution.”

Both father and son rolled their eyes at Rosie’s insistence in getting her way. She was steadfast in the fact that for four years now, she’d done more than her fair share of public service - spending more time on airplanes, trains, ships, and in cars than in her own bed. She’d missed so much, she missed her friends, getting to focus her efforts on her charity outreaches, and getting to see Annie grow into the young woman she was now. But despite that, it seemed no one else realized the toll covering for James and Joseph had taken on her.

“More like a great way of you getting out of this,” James retorted, his voice barely louder than the crackle of the fire next to them and the echo of footsteps passing by outside the closed door.

But Rosie’s brows furrowed at James’ words, frustration rising as her opinion continued to be ignored. “When James got back I was supposed to finally get a break,” she reminded them, her voice quiet but firm. And that had been the deal - she had graduated from university, then was thrown into four years of public duty with no downtime to breathe, all so James could serve in the Air Force. Any time she brought up needing a few days to herself, it had always been “Once James is home, you can… you’ll have all the time you need.” It seemed as though that promise was not only empty, but had been forgotten.

But the look in her father’s eyes showed Rosie that he remembered that promise - and yet he was continuing to break his word. “I’m sorry Rosalie,” he began, pausing delicately before adding, “But the positive of me being less visible while I recover is that it gives you the chance to be more involved.”

A scoff escaped Rosie’s lips and she didn’t care to stop it, letting her anger rise a bit. “What have I been doing the last four years, then?” She asked incredulously.

“You’ve been standing in James’ place and in his shadow but this is your chance to be Princess Rosalie, all on her own and be who you are, not fulfilling James’ role,” Joseph tried to reason with her, and she arched a single brow at him. Standing on her own, outside of James’ shadow?! As much as they all liked to pretend it wasn’t the case, she’d always been and always would be in his shadow. The first-born, golden child of Ellington. She’d never hold it against him, but she didn’t think there was a single conversation she’d ever had with anyone, whether other dignitaries, tutors, or acquaintances, where James wasn’t brought up despite his absence. When you’re constantly reminded of being the second-best, the spare, and the insurance when compared to the eldest, who had their own miserable circumstances as well. It was all impossible, and it seemed Rosie stepped on the Palace’s lines much more than anyone had in the past.

Heavy was the head that wore the crown, but the pressure forced upon Rosie seemed to rival it, even on the best days.

“I think we all know I can’t be who I am,” she started, her voice quivering in her rising frustration. She ran a hand along her skirt, fingers coming to rest on an errant strand of fabric that her seamstress evidently missed. “Look, I’m not trying to be difficult, we just all know that none of this is me. I was happy to stand in for James while he did what he wanted being in the Air Force but I thought that it was finally my chance to have some space.”

James’ eyes showed the weight on him, the internal struggle between duty and family. He cleared his throat quietly before whispering, “It’s only two more months, Rosie.”

“It just seems like there’s always something else. You think it’ll be the end and then the rug gets pulled out from under you,” Rosie muttered, her fingers lightly twisting the fabric, careful to not pull it from the skirt.

Joseph’s expression seemed heavy, his eyes pointed towards the ground as a hand covered part of his face, deep in thought. “I know it’s not ideal, but we need you to do this,” he decided, eyes coming to meet Rosie’s before he gestured to James. “James is the ultimate authority on it though.”

The Prince nodded, his shoulders squaring resolutely. “We don’t have a choice. Rosie, it has to be you,” he agreed, his voice strained despite his confident demeanor.

Rosie shot a look at the silent Queen, her eyes watching the conversation between her husband and eldest children intently. As she met Rosie’s eyes, the young woman shot her a pleading look, all but begging her to speak up.

Their mother hummed, giving Rosie a tight-lipped smile. “I think there is a security risk though,” she conceded sweetly, and Rosie’s shoulders slouched as she let out a small gasp of relief as her mother - the normally silent, meek woman - spoke up on her behalf.

But James ignored the magnitude of the situation, simply stating, “Then we’ll get more guards and protection.”

Rosie didn’t suppress the eye roll this time, huffing as she did so. She knew she shouldn’t be surprised. It had always been the King and Prince show - it always would be, that was simply the nature of their life. The heirs mattered above all else, and their opinions shaped the lives of every person in the family. But she had continually struggled with the idea of letting it dictate her life, she wanted nothing more than to have some semblance of autonomy, despite knowing it was never in the cards, at least not now.

But it didn’t mean James’ insistence didn’t hurt. She felt he always understood where she was coming from, always looked out for her and Annie. But now, she was really seeing James step into the leadership position for the first time.

“Or I just don’t go, just reminding you all that it’s an option,” she muttered, waving a hand. Her frustration was cresting as the two men ignored not only Rosie’s, but her mother’s points as well - points that in all honesty scared Rosie.

The situation outside of the capital of Ellington was tenuous at best. Tensions had been rising for months now, and while King Joseph’s decision to keep silent may have been smart at first, it had done nothing to turn the tide since. And now to be sent into the lion’s den in all honesty scared Rosie. She was no stranger to security protocols, risks, and threats, but this had much eclipsed any past risks Rosie knew of. Each member of the Royal Family was under a microscope, never deviating from an internal schedule, always accompanied by several security members. And that was just what Rosie knew - she was sure there was more she was not privy to that James and her father were aware of.

A sudden loud crackle of the fire brought her out of her thoughts to find James rising, moving to pour himself a drink from the carafe on the long table nearby. She watched the sharpness of his shoulders, the unfamiliar stressful strain as he moved, causing Rosie to arch a brow at the sight. “I have to be here to step up in dad’s place. Rosie, you’re going to have to get used to this more.” James spoke dismissively.

She couldn’t help but look at James, her brows raising as fast as her anger - reaching levels she never knew James could elicit. “I’m the one who’s been doing this the past four years, remember?” Rosie asked sarcastically, her voice anything but amused.

He avoided her eyes, a hand reaching to run down his face as he attempted a placating, “It’s only two more months���”

She pushed out a breath, ready to respond when a sharp knock sounded at the door. All eyes landed on the oversized double wooden doors as the King’s Secretary waited for any protest before the doors pushed open.

The sudden intrusion didn’t seem to take anyone by surprise, but Rosie’s brows quickly furrowed as the aide stepped aside to reveal Edward Henry - the Communications Secretary for the Royal Family - and quite honestly Rosie’s least favorite person, who was carrying a large stack of papers.

She’d long struggled with the ‘duty’ aspect of her birthright position, the responsibility forced on her by an institution when all she wanted was normalcy. But between a lack of a proper childhood, wanting a normal university experience, being outspoken by nature, and maybe having a few brushes with untrustworthy so-called ‘friends’, she’d landed herself on Edward Henry’s bad side… quite literally for life.

At her father’s warm greeting to Edward after his obligatory bows to each member of the family, Rosie’s frustration grew. She knew she shouldn’t have come - she’d had a bad feeling about this meeting ever since receiving word of it at breakfast. Her suspicions grew when she realized Annie was omitted from the group, removing what would’ve been Rosie’s only true ally from the room and all conversations. But now, to see that the intention was never to plan a tour or shift schedules around to accommodate the King’s sudden change in health…. It was to focus on her.

The Palace and Royal Family both had struggled at times with her, Rosie could admit that herself. She felt as though she could never do things right, never be the person they tried to mold her to be. She was rigid in ways the Institution needed her to be pliable, soft in the ways they needed her to be tough, and sour when they needed her to be sweet.

“You’re joking me right?” Rosie finally spoke, arching her brow at her father as he warmly shook Edward’s hand, seeing the label ‘ITINERARY’ scribbled across the files he began handing to her father.

The King’s face hardened instantly. “Rosalie, don’t even start,” he warned, holding out his hand for Queen Genevieve to greet Edward.

But Edward was unphased, used to her often brash ways. “Princess, we have your itinerary to go over and I’d like to discuss some different things we’d like you to incorporate in your speeches at each one. Also we have picked out which charities you’ll be endorsing along the tour,” he informed her, handing copies of the folders to her mother and brother before sitting in the empty armchair between the two occupied sofas. His hand moved to hand her a copy, but ceased when the furious expression on her face was noticed.

A bitter chuckle escaped her. “So none of this mattered,” she mused, frowning as she looked at her father pointedly. “No matter what I said or felt or even what James decided didn’t matter because everything was already decided on,”

But the man simply shrugged as he paged through the plans, brows furrowed while he sat down on the sofa again. “We had to make a plan,” he informed her, as if it was that simple.

With a roll of her eyes, Rosie pushed herself off the couch. “Fine, then make your plan. It’s obvious you don’t need me here for any of it,” she informed them, dropping her eyes as she moved towards the shut doors. She could hear the sharp breath her mother took at her outright rudeness towards not only Edward, but James and her father. A scowl crossed Rosie’s lips as her eyes prickled with tears and she focused on the sound of her heels as she raced to the door.

If anyone attempted to say anything or chastise her, she didn’t hear - nor did she care - as the door practically slammed behind her. The guards standing outside the door pointedly avoided her eyes, telling Rosie everything she needed to know about what they heard. She had already turned to leave the wing when that thought made her stop. Her lip was quivering as she met the older guard’s eyes - Albert, she reminded herself, he’d accompanied her to riding lessons as a young girl - and she was surprised when he silently led the other guard to stand across the hall instead without a word, giving her the encouragement she needed.

She stood just beyond the door, giving herself enough space to make an escape if needed, but close enough to be able to hear the conversation inside.

Despite her mother’s objection, they’d clearly moved on from her outburst as she heard her father speaking, his voice carrying easily. “James, there’s a lot riding on that tour. I don’t have to tell you with all the political tension going on and protests, everyone is going to be looking at this tour and how it goes.”

“What your dad is saying is you’re going to need to keep an eye on Rosalie,” her mother said, and Rosie’s brow furrowed. She’d been doing just fine the last few years - handling double duty without anyone batting an eye. Why is she all of the sudden not good enough? But she caught herself as she thought - remembering that the golden boy had been occupied with serving Ellington in the Air Force. They must’ve had to make due with “second-best”, and Rosie’s best was no longer good enough.

But she was surprised when James was the one to speak, defending her and saying, “She’s been in my place the last couple years though and she’s done fine.”

A bitter chuckle escaped Edward and Rosie wanted nothing more than to disappear at that second, admittedly it was all she’d ever wanted. “It depends on the way you look at it,” Edward pointed out.

But James wasn’t going down without a fight, pointing out, “Well the press love her. I mean, there isn’t hardly a week that went by that the people’s princess wasn’t splashed on some headline.”

The scowl returned and the tears threatened to leak from her eyes as Edward finally contributed, his voice like nails on a chalkboard to her as he said, “And that’s the problem. You may love Rosalie’s personality but currently she’s in line to the throne after you and represents the royal family. If she were the youngest it would be different but she has to start taking this seriously and be more neutral.”

She tapped her fingers against her side nervously. Rosie had always known that this was the opinion of her amongst those on the outside of the family, who worked to polish and prime them. They’d attempted to do so to her for years, but they’d always gotten along like oil and water. But to be confronted with this and to overhear this, to know her own parents felt this way, hurt.

However, a small flutter of hope settled in her as James again attempted to defend her, his voice unwavering as he said, “She’s right, she has stepped into my role the past couple years and done well.”

“We just don’t think she fully sees the weight of this because you’re the one who’s next in line to the throne,” Joseph admitted, and Rosie had to do everything she could to keep herself quiet.

Yes, James’ role was unique and seemed miserable in itself. He had no choice in his life, in his future, in anything - even more than Rosie. But to live this life solely being second-place, second-loved, second-everything to someone was a different kind of miserable. You couldn’t compare the two, but neither were ideal, and for anyone to try to frame it that way completely ignored everything both she and Annie had gone through.

The grating returned to Rosie as Edward - the absolute bane of her fucking existence - unnecesarily added, “Ellington has only ever had two Queens both of them knew how to fall in line. Nobody knows what to do with Rosalie and it’s not a great look for the palace.”

“People relate to her though!” James insisted, his voice rising.

“Royals aren’t supposed to be relatable, if they are, what’s the point of having them?” Edward challenged.

There was a long silence and Rosie found herself stuck between wanting nothing more to leave and forget this all ever happened, just like she had so many times before in her life, and wanting to creep closer as the fear of missing something grew as the silence continued. Her mind was still racing, fighting against itself as she stood frozen with nearly trembling ankles when she heard James’ voice. It was soft, as if the fight had left him as he helplessly asked, “…So what do you suggest I do?”

“Just do what you can to help this tour go well. A lot hinges on this and her,” Joseph encouraged, his voice suddenly softer as well. A slight scowl graced Rosie’s lips at that realization, knowing that James often got a side of their parents that neither she nor Annie ever got. He’d gotten the most time with them - whether because of duty or love, it almost didn’t matter. She saw how much Annie yearned to have the relationship James had with them, and she found herself wishing for it at times too.

Her ear pressed closer to the overly-ornate wooden doors, yearning to hear more, but she wished she hadn’t as Edward explained, “What the Prince said isn’t wrong. The public is for the Princess, but in this tumultuous time, we need her to present more stability. People need to be comforted knowing that the royal family is stable and has the country’s best interest at heart.”

She stared at the floor, brows furrowing and confusion flooding her at those words. Unstable? Her? Sometimes she felt like the only sane person in this equation.

Her confusion was shared as James - his voice strong and firm - pointed out, “I don’t think Rosie can really be categorized as unstable.”

But Edward simply chuckled again, explaining, “Saying things off script in speeches or breaking social norms for royalty is viewed as unstable.”

“We just need her to be a constant unwavering person that people can look up to, especially when it got leaked about my health.” Her father spoke strongly. Rosie felt a pang of sympathy - if this heart attack had never happened, then maybe this wouldn’t be happening. But it all seemed too convenient, the empty promises of privacy and autonomy, the sudden return of James. “We need steadiness. This tour is what can bring it and allow everyone to see Rosie as the one to help bring it.”

“I know she can do it, I just wish she didn’t have to,” James admitted, and Rosie sighed at those simple words, knowing just how much honesty was behind them.

She wasn’t surprised when her father spoke again, his words reeking of lessons a life in the public eye and service had given him. “Our life is a heavy burden at times, but whether good or bad, the crown has fallen on us. That includes Rosalie and we have to make sure we steward it well, and that matters more than any of our personal feelings.”

Tears burned at Rosie’s eyes as the weight of what they were saying sunk in. She wasn’t stupid, she was painfully aware of her image and what people thought of her. Her entire life was dictated by it and what was or wasn’t on the front page of a newspaper. The past four years she had done everything in her power to push down who the real Rosie was, trying to step into James’ shoes to allow him to have the bit of fleeting normalcy they all craved but always seemed to elude them. It had nearly killed her to shove so much of herself down, but she had done it for her duty, her country, and - most of all - for her brother. But now to hear that it wasn’t good enough? It felt like rubbing salt in the open wound on her heart.

She had absolutely no idea what else they could possibly want from her short of ripping away every single part of her personality. And the worst part? It seemed fruitless. No matter what she did, it just always fell short. Her only saving grace that kept some hope alive inside of her was that James was back. He was her only shot at being able to get some of herself back that had been buried little by little.

Once Rosie heard the group stand and pleasantries being exchanged among her parents and Edward, she raced away from the door and down the hall, not wanting to be seen. She wiped furiously at her eyes as she grappled with the onslaught of information, but quickly had to push it from her mind as her assistant called out to her, plastering a smile on her face as Claire began to explain what they needed to do to prepare for the gala honoring the military that evening.

___________________________________________________

Rosie had kept the smile glued to her face all evening, determined to be on her best behavior. While she may have chosen the other option in the past - the “fine, I’ll be what you think of me” option - today, she couldn’t. If she did, she knew what was at risk, what was on the line, and she just couldn’t stomach willingly doing it tonight.

She’d made her rounds, thanked as many service members she could find, listened to as many stories as she could stomach, laughed as many times as she could without a hint of humor actually being behind it, and had finally escaped to the side room with Claire to fix the strap of her heels when James slipped into the otherwise-empty room.

She avoided his eyes with everything in her, instead taking a long sip of her champagne to quell her nerves when James came to stand next to her, his voice low despite Claire’s proximity.

“Rosie c’mon, I know you don’t want to do this. I get it. I wish I could give you a break but I don’t have a choice,” he pleaded.

Her shoulders hunched, knowing he was truly stuck. He had to live up to what their father expected - what everyone expected - but it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt to go against her big brother. “I know you don’t, and I don’t mean to make it harder on you. I just suck at all of this, James.” she explained.

“No you don’t. The press is for you, everyone loves you,” he reminded her, his voice soft and sweet. She appreciated the sentiment - but it felt empty to her after what she had overheard merely hours earlier.

“I just was hoping I’d finally have a break,” she admitted with a whisper, not knowing how to put it more simply than that.

James sighed, his frustration at the impossible situation evident. “I’m sorry, Rosie,” he murmured, and there was no doubt in Rosie’s mind that he was honest. “I love you and you know I’m going to do what I can to make it easier.”

“I love you too and I don’t want to be difficult, I really don’t,” she explained, turning as Clarie finished and scampered back into the party, leaving the siblings alone with the guards standing by the doors. “I’m just… disappointed I guess and I feel bad because I don’t want to make this worse on dad or you. I just hate doing these tours.”

“I had an idea though,” James began, pausing as Rosie arched a brow at him. He took a deep breath, evidently steeling himself.“What if I asked my friend to be your pilot for the tour? You remember Chris, right? My best friend from the Air Force? He’s standing out there right next to the bar.” He asked, pointing through the glass doorway to Chris.

Rosie sighed, not feeling like any of this was a good idea - especially from James - after this afternoon. There was just too much going on, Rosie feeling like so much had been shaken today. “Can’t Martin do it?” She asked, her voice meek. She knew if she had to go on this tour, if she had to deal with the risks and the tensions associated with it, that comfort would do her good. And Martin - the longtime Palace Security Head, who all but attended all of her birthday parties growing up and was truly like a father to her, would fit the bill.

“I need to pick someone who can also be with you to certain events to be your security and we both know Martin is getting too old for that,” James explained, nudging her with his elbow. “C’mon, would I stick you with someone shitty? Chris is the only person who treated me like a normal guy. You’d get along with him great and I can trust him.”

“I just…” Rosie’s voice started to trail as the feelings inside her were unable to come out of her mouth.

James’ eyebrows arched as he reached out a hand to rest on her arm, softly prodding, “What?”

There was so much Rosie wanted to say, but she knew at this point it didn’t matter. Everything had been decided for her as it had been for so long and she just quietly admitted, “I just wish I didn’t have to do this.”

Although James moved to wrap his arms around her, pulling her into a gentle hug, Rosie felt anything but comforted. For years she had looked forward to James returning from the Air Force, especially with his voluntary choice to stay in the service for two years longer than was customary for royals. She remembered that call, James explaining that being in the Air Force was the first time he had felt normal, been treated normal, and felt like he had a bigger purpose and that he wanted to stay longer. Rosie knew it meant she had to step up to stay in his shoes longer than anticipated but she was willing to do it for him.

But it was finally going to be her turn. She was going to be able to pull back from the spotlight, disappear the way she had wanted to for so long and try to have some semblance of a normal life. All of that had been ripped away from her in what felt like an instant, prolonging and making her presence on the country even bigger which was the absolute opposite of what she wanted, but Rosie knew she didn’t have a choice.

Two months. She could do anything for two months. And then she’d be free.

[strniohoeee]

Hidden In The Shadows Pt. 4(Final Chapter)

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Pairing: Matt Sturniolo X Female Reader

Synopsis: Waking up dazed and confused, Y/N is taken by surprise when certain events seem to take place. Unsure of how to feel Y/N battles with the decisions of staying or leaving for good

Warnings⚠️: SADDDDD NGL😭, but like not really but also IDK??? I wasn’t sure how to end this installment, but I know I didn’t want to make it some fairytale type shit LMAOOO

Songs for imagine: Blue Moon- Elvis Presley, Bang Bang(My Baby Shot Me Down)- Nancy Sinatra

Tags: @lacysturniolo @gamermattsgf @nicksmainbitch @s7urnfilms @sturnssmuts @vickyzloserz @mayhem-72 @sturn3g1rl @mattsturniolowifey

Blue Moon

You knew just what I was there for

You heard me saying a prayer for

Someone I really could care for

If my mother could see the position I was currently in she’d be so ashamed….disappointed even. She’s always taught me stranger danger and leave it to her daughter to sleep with the stranger and the danger….

I can’t remember much, but I can remember the emptiness….the cold darkness of my mind. My physical body slumps somewhere while my conscious fights to wake me up.

Who knows what’s going on in the real world right now. I could be tied to a pole and slow roasting like a pig, or maybe even locked in someone’s dungeon. Or what if this is all some crazy bad dream and I’m actually back home in my comfortable bed….

My thoughts were slowly coming to a halt as my eyes began to open slowly. Squinting at the sensitivity they were facing I groaned and cleared my throat. The throbbing in my head and the burning of my nose leads me to believe Matt used an awful lot of chloroform to knock me out. He’s lucky he didn’t kill because I’d haunt his ass.

Opening my eyes fully I realized I was tied to a chair in a basement? Oh actually my basement? Looking around I realized I was in the same place I was when Matt caught me.

I began to move against the ropes, pulling and yanking as I groaned in anger.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you” I heard from behind me, causing me to stop and jump

“Who’s there” I asked trying to look over my shoulders

“Why’d you have to be so nosy? Making everything so complicated” I heard him say

“You fucking psycho….Matt let me fucking go” I said pulling harder against the ropes

“You see I just can’t do that” he replied to me walking from behind me

“You fucking weirdo….oh god….oh my god I had sex with a fucking psycho… please just kill me that would be less embarrassing” I say shaking my head and tapping my feet on the ground

Coming from behind me Matt stands in front of me. Except he doesn’t look angry…. He looked concerned and scared. Which made me a bit scared and anxious

“What are you doing?” I yelled at him yanking myself around

“sit still” he said in a firm whisper

“Fuck off” I said in annoyance to him

Grabbing my face to have me look at him I attempted to yank away.

“GET OFF OF ME” I yelled at him trying to bite him

“STOP IT AND LOOK AT ME” he says with wide eyes

Letting go of me he steps back. Looking over his shoulder he turns back to me. Placing his pointer finger over his mouth he motions for me to stay quiet and then with the same finger points behind himself and then points to his ear.

“Listen here darling you’re going to do as I say” he says sternly and loudly

Digging in his back pocket he takes out a piece of paper, unraveling it he faces it to me so I can read.

They’ve been on you this whole time and they used me to get to you. At first I was going to do it, but I like you too much. They’ve been in your house multiple times and have found all the information you have on this town. I’m so sorry for who I am and what my family has done; but I don’t want to hurt you. They are having me watch you while they put all your stuff in your car. They’re planning to kill you and make it seem like it was an accident. However I won’t let that happen. I’m going to get you out of here and I have a plan! But they don’t fully trust me and are listening to me and watching my every move. So please just do as I say. I’m sorry.

After reading the note a tear slipped down my face and I looked up at Matt. His eyes softened and his lip trembled, swallowing thickly he nodded his head. Folding the paper back up he put it in his back pocket.

“You will listen to me and me only! Make any stupid moves and I will kill you myself” he says loudly with a sincere look

“Go to hell” I spat at him

Listening above he heard the two men walk away from the basement door. Ushering over to me quickly he got down and began to whisper

“Okay so here’s the plan. There is only one way out and only one chance to get this right so please do as I say. They’re loading up your car and they’re planning on having me drive you to a secluded area a little outside of this town. They want me to set your car on fire” he says shaking his head and looking down

“What?” I say shocked and beginning to panic

“My getaway car was planted in the area and they will be checking tonight to see that your car is completely burnt. However it won’t be there because you’ll be on your way back to Vegas. You’ll be out of their hair which will give you time to leave Vegas” he says grabbing my hand

“But what about you Matt? They’ll kill you….” I say as my voice shakes

“Exactly” he says nodding his head

“No….no you can’t do that! Come with me” I say to him looking at him in the eyes

“I can’t…they’ll catch up before we leave and we’ll both be dead instantly. Suzie and I tried it when we were 14. Thought we could leave and be young lovers together. They shot her dead in front of me… told me I’d be next if I ever stepped out of line again. You remind me so much of her I can’t see that happen again” he replied wiping tears from his eyes

“Matthew no…. I can’t leave you to die” I say sobbing

“Maybe it’s been my destiny all along” he says to me

“Maybe you can escape right before they come looking for my car. You’d get a good head start on them! Meet me in Vegas. We can run away together” I say nodding my head and licking my tear stained lips

He chuckled lightly and shook his head, opting not to answer as he stood up.

“I need you to walk outside with me when it’s time. Pretend to mouth me off, kick, scream holler! I’ll stuff you in the car and we’ll be on our way” He says to me

“Okay yeah yeah” I respond nodding my head

“But for now we wait” he states, backing up and leaning against the pole.

About thirty minutes passed before we heard anything. Barely mumbling a few words to each other. My throat had run dry from the anxiety. The fact that I could die if one thing goes wrong but mainly the fact that the last moments I’ll be sharing with Matt is him helping me escape my death that will then become his death….. my heart couldn’t take letting him die

He was destined for more. The way his eyes would light up anytime he asked me about what Vegas is like or what any other place I’ve ever visited was like. What stuck with me the most was the way his face would change when he’d realized the life he was living and what he’d have to go back to. The twinkle always disappearing. It made my heart heavy.

I wouldn’t let him die. It’s not happening and I don’t care what I have to do to prevent it. He’s had such a painful life and he’s going to honor it by dying….

My thoughts were interrupted by Matt, my eyes slowly shifting from the basement window over to his face.

“They called us up, I’m going to grab you by the back of your head and I need to just start lashing out immediately, got it?” He asked me

“Got it” I said to him

Quickly helping me out of the rope that held me to the chair he grabbed the back of my head as my arms were tied behind my back.

Gripping my hair harder I knew it was time to give it my all. Taking a shaky breath I began to yell

“LET GO OF ME, YOU AND THIS TOWN A BUNCH OF CRAZIES” I yelled as I thrashed against his grip

“Quit it” he yelled back as he pulled me up the stairs with him

“You think you can get rid of me huh? MY WHOLE FAMILY WILL COME HERE LOOKING FOR YOU” I said firmly

“LET GO LET GOOO” I kept yelling as I pulled against him, tears streaming down my face

He walked us towards the front door and that’s where Beaufort stopped us.

“Such a fiery little lady! I knew from the moment you called you’d be a problem. But one thing about me is I make my problems go away” he says sucking his tobacco and grinning at me

“You won’t get away with this you sick son of a bitch” I spat at him

“Watch me” he said smiling and opening the front door for me

“NOOO STOP NO PLEASEEE” I yelled as I kicked and thrashed against Matt. My legs swinging as I tried to “escape” his grip

“Should’ve stood in your home town. So sad you’ll be having a little accident” Beaufort says to me as he steps onto my porch

“I’ll kill you all just you watch” I yelled as Matt shoved me into the back seats as I continued to kick and hit things

Beaufort smiled an evil smile as he waved goodbye. Matt hopped in the front seat as we began to back out of my gravel driveway.

Driving down the road Matt looked in his rear view mirror before looking at me

“Okay we’re in the clear” he says to me

Sitting up I looked at him opening my mouth to talk but stopping once I saw him shaking his head no at me.

“You can’t get me to change my mind” he says

“Matt this is not okay. I basically just signed your death wish” I said to him

“And I told you maybe it’s what’s best for me” he replied shrugging his shoulder

“Okay and maybe it isn’t! Maybe it isn’t” I said sternly to him as I began to lose my patience

“Matt we’ve had such an amazing connection this past month, a connection I’ve never had with anyone else before and you can’t just leave me” I said pleading with him

“Don’t you get it? I can’t have them coming after you. I care for you lot sweetheart and if I had to live with another love of mine being hurt I couldn’t live with myself.” He replied gripping the steering wheel harder

I huffedd out a breath of annoyance and sat back in the seat, letting a few tears fall from my face. This is pure insanity! I couldn’t live with myself if Matt got hurt or even killed. I felt confused, one hand I’d be safe but on the other hand Matt would potentially be….. dead.

I hadn’t even realized how long I was in thought until the car came to a halt and I heard Matt put the car in park.

Hopping out of the car I followed suit

“Take the car and run like hell outta here darlin” he said handing the keys to me

“Please come with” I begged as I chewed my bottom lip

“I can’t little lady” he responded shaking his head and wiping his nose

“Ditch your getaway car and come with me burn your car and let’s go, we can run like hell out of here together” I said gripping onto his arms

“I can’t, I have to go back” he says looking me in my eyes

“Can you at least attempt to leave town? Maybe tonight before they come looking for my car, leave before them” I said basically begging

“I can try, but I can’t make any promises darlin” he states swallowing thickly

“Please Matt…. For me” I say wiping my eyes

“The best I can do is try, this is for you. Whether I make it out alive or not just know I want you to be safe and I will always be with you” he says to me pulling me in for a hug

“I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done” he says to me as he pulls away

“I’m going to miss you” I say to him

“I’m still here” he says smiling at me

I shook my head and hugged him once again

“I better head on back” he says pulling away

Turning on his heels he walks over to his car as I follow behind. Hopping in his car he rolls down his window as I lean on it.

“Now darlin you have to promise me that you’ll listen and you’ll get out of here. Don’t try and save me” he says smiling as he bats tears from his eyes

“I promise” I responded in a whisper

“And you have to promise to never forget about me” I told him as I smiled

“I could never! I swear I’ll try and contact you if I can pretty girl” he says back as he nods his head

“Thank you Matt for getting me out of here” I say one last time

Looking into his eyes I lean over and plant my lips on his. The kiss was needy and sad. It was a goodbye kiss…. A goodbye that meant forever. There was no see you later with Matt….

We hugged and shared one last final kiss. Parting ways I got in my car and we both drove off. I was numb the whole way home. I mean how does one process all of this? My life felt so unreal?

There were many hours of crying, sitting in silence and contemplations of turning back around. I just felt so confused, I didn’t want to leave Matt and I also didn’t want to die…. I didn’t have many options

Arriving home was the most bittersweet moment. I couldn’t really tell anyone what I really went through. What that town and what those people are truly like

I spent many days in and out of therapy really trying to understand what happened to me and how to process it. What really ate at me was the fear of being found, the fear of dying and especially the fear of never seeing Matt again.

One year later

If I knew that that day I hugged and kissed Matt goodbye would be the last time I’d ever see him, I’d hold on tighter. When I finally realized Matt wasn’t coming back it hurt bad… I mean I’d hid away blaming myself for all of this.

Wondering well maybe I didn’t push hard enough because if I did he would’ve caved and came with me. Not knowing if he was dead or alive really ate at my soul. Many days went by where I wanted to call his landline, but that would be a one way ticket to my grave.

It was hard moving. After experiencing something so intense with someone and needing them by your side to never seeing them again will always sting the most.

I was angry because I felt he didn’t try hard enough. Because if he did then he’d be here right now. And then that was filled with sadness and worry. I wasn’t sure if he was okay and I had to live with the fact that I would never know.

It’s so crazy how you’ll be living your life one way and then it flips upside down so randomly.

As I finished typing my chapter on my computer I let out a sigh. Writing a book about what I went through and losing Matt was the only way I could seem to cope.

It was actually Professor Wayne who convinced me to write this. He was actually helping me a lot through all this and he truly saw how it changed me. But everytime he saw the excitement in my eyes once I finished a chapter he knew it was genuinely helping me mentally.

Pressing save I closed my laptop and looked out my window. The rain is pattering against the glass. Such a bittersweet feeling. A year ago today I was about to sleep with my weird neighbor and friend and now I’m here in my empty apartment staring out the glass and reminiscing.

It’s still an open wound that I’m working on daily to stitch close. No one prepares you for traumatic events, especially ones that chemically alter your brain. I watched the rain trickle down the warm glass as I blink slowly. Racking my brain for answers…. I mean hell I’m just looking for one simple answer

I just want to know is Matt truly dead, or is he just

Hidden in the shadows….

The End

Yallll I hope you enjoyed the finale cause I hated it🤭 this is why I don’t write series because I’m so shit at ending things. But anywho I hope you liked it and I can’t wait to write some more for yall 🥹🖤

-J💅🏽

[whinlatter]

sirius and ginny: a meta (part 1)

“Excuse me, but I care what happens to Sirius as much as you do!” said Ginny, her jaw set so that her resemblance to Fred and George was suddenly striking.’

are you a very brave, very reckless, very hot self-destructive rebel with a treacherous sibling and a flair for christmas decoration, harbouring complex feelings about your mother, close ties to crookshanks the cat and spend your days plagued by the memory of your worst mistakes and dark past? do you find yourself constantly being begged to stay in a state of protective confinement to save your life by a young man with a lightning scar, bad hair and crippling abandonment issues? if so, congratulations! you might be one of harry potter's chosen family members, sirius black and ginevra molly weasley! 

basically - i want to talk about sirius and ginny. these are two characters who don’t share a lot of scenes in canon but who, i think, have some clear (if overlooked) parallels: stubborn, fiercely protective of harry, self-sacrificing, admired, principled, haunted (in different ways) by traumatic pasts and betrayals, with complicated relationships with their families and entirely uncomplicated devoted relationships with someone else’s cat. their narrative arcs are successive, with ginny ascending in significance in the series during sirius’ period of decline and ultimate death. and ultimately, they’re also the two people who become, over the course of the canon series, family to a protagonist desperately seeking to build one. sirius and ginny are the two people harry in canon most worries about, wants to protect, and thinks of as someone who embodies the promise of family and home.

sirius and ginny aren’t mirror images of each other. ofc, ginny also has parallels with the only other family members harry claims in the series, lily and james (i mean, especially james - she’s literally a cocky funny flirtatious chaser with a years-long debilitating mega crush who can also catch a snitch like a champ. come on now). it’s also clear in canon that sirius means more to ginny as a hero/role model/ally against her mother than ginny ever means to sirius. nevertheless, the text puts in work to let the reader know we should think about these characters together as somehow aligned. from the beginning of ootp, there are clues and signals in the text that foreshadow ginny’s emergence as someone important to harry, and that subtly let the reader know that the baton of being harry’s ‘person’ is about to be passed from sirius to ginny, two kindred spirits, after sirius’ death. so that's what this meta is about! (consider this my 700th attempt to show that, as the popular fandom complaint/all of reddit still insist, ginny as a character, and especially the harry/ginny romance, did not ‘come out of nowhere’.)

the following meta is part one of two (and yet it's still too long! sorry about it). o in this part, i look at the period from the end of goblet of fire thru the start of half blood prince, exploring how the text sets up the sirius and ginny parallels as a way of foreshadowing ginny’s emergence as harry’s main love interest and place as a family substitute. the second part (tbc) will be what the memory of sirius does for harry’s view of his relationship with ginny, and the kind of positive - and negative - ways this shapes harry’s ideas about love and what family do for each other. i wrote this meta as a way of thinking through some characterisation choices for my current WIP, beasts. if you're following along with that fic, this meta can be seen as a companion piece especially to my thinking behind chapters ten and eleven, so hope proves helpful for some of my thinking behind the sirius and ginny friendship that appears in that project. it's also dedicated to @ashesandhackles, queen of metas, who has reminded me to post this meta precisely 9 million times because she is a long-suffering saint.

ok - sirius and ginny. let’s goooooo!

sirius and ginny before ootp

before OotP, ginny is absent from any plot connected to sirius. ginny doesn’t know the truth about sirius’ innocence, nor does she know that harry, her brother and her friend are in regular contact with sirius and that harry now as a surrogate father/big brother figure to confide in and seek comfort in.  in fact, in one of ginny’s few appearances in GoF, the narration is unusually insistent that the reader knows how little ginny knows about sirius:

“And have you heard from — ?” Ron began, but at a look from Hermione he fell silent. Harry knew Ron had been about to ask about Sirius. Ron and Hermione had been so deeply involved in helping Sirius escape from the Ministry of Magic that they were almost as concerned about Harry’s godfather as he was. However, discussing him in front of Ginny was a bad idea. Nobody but themselves and Professor Dumbledore knew about how Sirius had escaped, or believed in his innocence. “I think they’ve stopped arguing,” said Hermione, to cover the awkward moment, because Ginny was looking curiously from Ron to Harry. “Shall we go down and help your mum with dinner?” 

the only other tiny crumb of sirius and ginny we get is the news that the owl sirius bought in PoA and gifted to ron as a replacement pet for scabbers has been embraced and named by ginny. sirius gifting a tiny little spitfire of an owl that annoys ron? it's giving foreshadowing, your honour.

the reader, though, knows who sirius is to harry by GoF. throughout this book, for the first time in the series, harry has a person he can claim as something like a family: someone to worry about, someone who cares about him,who can advise, guide and mentor him, as well as offer him support and consolation in difficult times (‘someone like a parent…’) although sirius has not been able to offer harry a stable alternative home to the dursleys due to his status as a wanted man, he’s still filling a role that previously had been vacant in the series: he’s harry’s person, the surrogate parent chosen for him by james and lily. he’s close by, either by the floo or eventually living (at great personal cost) as padfoot in hogsmeade, and he’s present emotionally for harry in ways that prove incredibly meaningful to his young godson. in times of great of distress, sirius is there for harry to meet emotional needs that ron and hermione (understandably, no shade to them) can’t always meet. the floo scene early on in GoF, during harry’s row with ron, is a particularly good example of this:

“Never mind me, how are you?” said Sirius seriously. “I’m —”  For a second, Harry tried to say “fine” — but he couldn’t do it. …Before he could stop himself, he was talking more than he’d talked in days — about how no one believed he hadn’t entered the tournament of his own free will, how Rita Skeeter had lied about him in the Daily Prophet, how he couldn’t walk down a corridor without being sneered at — and about Ron, Ron not believing him, Ron’s jealousy . . . Sirius looked at him, eyes full of concern… He had let Harry talk himself into silence without interruption���.

harry derives enormous comfort from sirius’ presence in his life during GoF. he writes to sirius, he repeatedly turns to him for advice, he worries for him more than he does any other person. sirius fulfils harry’s desire to be kept abreast of important information about voldemort and death eaters, doesn’t sugarcoat news for harry, and makes him feel important, cared for and understood. (harry even shows off to sirius telling him about how much of a slay the first task was. ugh). by the time of the third task, sirius is sending harry daily owls, a constant flow of reassurance and concern (‘He reminded Harry in every letter that whatever might be going on outside the walls of Hogwarts was not Harry’s responsibility, nor was it within his power to influence it. If Voldemort is really getting stronger again, he wrote, my priority is to ensure your safety.’) when harry returns from the graveyard at the novel’s end, it’s sirius who races to his side to advocate for him and offer him both words of comfort and physical affection as he processes the traumatic series of events that constitute the climax of the book’s plot. (my personal favourite part is where harry says ‘wormtail cut me with a knife’ and the text says sirius made a ‘vehement exclamation’, which i can only assume is children’s book speak for ‘fucking hell’.) harry goes to bed: sirius stays with him, a literal guard dog as he recuperates. after the most traumatic events of the series to date, the reader is at least consoled that harry potter has a person now, someone he loves for him to worry about and to worry for him, who catches him on the other side of traumatic events and makes them that bit much more bearable.

sirius and ginny during ootp

with sirius' role in harry's life established in GoF, OotP begins with harry, cooped up and restless at privet drive, angry with ron, hermione, sirius, and dumbledore for abandoning him at privet drive and keeping him in the dark. harry arrives at grimmauld place to find an anxious ron and hermione, with whom harry is angry and frustrated for having left him out of their summer hangs and having neglected him, by his assessment, in surrey. it’s the most conflict we’ve seen in the trio in terms of harry vs ron and hermione, and sets up one of the important themes of the book, which is harry no longer being solely emotionally fulfilled by the people he is closest to, including his two surrogate parents best mates but also his godfather. when he encounters sirius for the first time after the order meeting, he finds him surly, bitter, and depressed, furious that he is confined to his childhood home, and (understandably) much less able or willing to offer harry much in the way of comfort, apology or cheering words (‘Harry, who had expected a better welcome, noted how hard and bitter Sirius’s voice sounded.’) in this sense, the book opens with harry disappointed and/or more distant from all the people on whom he most depends and is usually closest to, and that there therefore is already an absence of a certain kind of emotional support in harry’s life that the plot demands be filled.

fresh off the back of harry’s row with ron and hermione is ginny’s reintroduction to the reader. after years of being so shy in harry’s presence she was often nearly mute, the reader finds that ginny is not only now speaking, but that her presence turns out to be remarkably refreshing. from her opening scene where ginny enters harry’s bedroom at grimmauld place, the reader discovers the new ginny is confident, up to no good, in cahoots with her most troublemaking brothers trying to intercept the order meeting, enterprising in her mischief (and very happy to lie to her mother’s face about it). she’s thoroughly unfazed by harry’s great display of rage that has just startled and upset ron and hermione. (side note: in both ootp and hbp, ginny’s opening scene is her entering harry’s bedroom, which is the kind of foreshadowing i personally find delicious). everyone else is behaving pretty much as they have been up to this point, but it’s ginny who is showcasing behaviours new to the reader, a signal that she might be about to play a different role in the series than she has done up to this point.

cut to the dinner scene. sirius and ginny are in the room together for the first time. sirius is moody: though he’s still able to laugh, enjoying displays of mischief and humour (the twins and the knife), he’s more bitter than harry and the reader have seen him since PoA. it’s an important scene for lots of reasons (not least the sirius v molly beef), but it’s also one where sirius and ginny are repeatedly drawn into mental association in the reader’s mind. it’s also a great scene because the behaviour of crookshanks the cat literally serves to foreshadow the behaviour of harry james potter in ways that are frankly extremely fun.

so! the sirius and ginny hints start small. from the start of the scene, ginny is amused by mundungus the crook (a man, we will learn, so disdained by her mother):

“Some’n say m’ name?” Mundungus mumbled sleepily. “I ’gree with Sirius. . . .” He raised a very grubby hand in the air as though voting, his droopy, bloodshot eyes unfocused. Ginny giggled. “The meeting’s over, Dung,” said Sirius, as they all sat down around him at the table. “Harry’s arrived.” 

sirius and harry, sat at the end of the table, are both greeted by crookshanks, sirius’ old accomplice from PoA:

'​​Harry felt something brush against his knees and started, but it was only Crookshanks, Hermione’s bandy-legged ginger cat, who wound himself once around Harry’s legs, purring, then jumped onto Sirius’s lap and curled up. Sirius scratched him absentmindedly behind the ears as he turned, still grim-faced, to Harry…

when fred and george’s levitation goes awry, flinging a knife at sirius (now that’s how you foreshadow a death), crookshanks bolts: 

‘Harry and Sirius were both laughing… Crookshanks had given an angry hiss and shot off under the dresser, from whence his large yellow eyes glowed in the darkness…’

during the meal, ginny’s with hermione, having a laugh with tonks, a character harry has just met but whom he has already decided to both admire and like. after the meal, when harry’s cheered up a bit and had his crumble (the man loves dessert), crookshanks finally emerges from his hiding place, having been coaxed out from his sulk by - you guessed it - one g. m. weasley:

‘…Ginny, who had lured Crookshanks out from under the dresser, was sitting cross-legged on the floor, rolling butterbeer corks for him to chase.’

a grouchy character, initially drawn to sirius, but prone to lashing out and locking himself away, only to be lured back out into comfort and safety by ginny weasley? wow………. radical

after dinner, the argument between sirius and molly kicks off. sirius is arguing hard for harry’s right to know, though he makes no attempt to advocate for any of the other weasleys or for hermione. ginny’s noticeably singled out in her reaction to this scene, the text highlighting that she is particularly struck by this conflict as if it is of particular personal resonance, including someone standing up to her famously overprotective mother for once:

‘Ron, Hermione, Fred, and George’s heads turned from Sirius to Mrs. Weasley as though following a tennis rally. Ginny was kneeling amid a pile of abandoned butterbeer corks, watching the conversation with her mouth slightly open. Lupin’s eyes were fixed on Sirius.’

of course, molly loses the argument: harry gets to stay for juicy order deets (‘Sirius was right, he was not a child.’) after the row, ginny is the only person forbidden from hearing information about the order’s activities. suddenly, the roles are switched: it’s ginny who’s now furious and bitter to be kept out of the action:

‘“Fine!” shouted Mrs. Weasley. “Fine! Ginny — BED!”  Ginny did not go quietly. They could hear her raging and storming at her mother all the way up the stairs, and when she reached the hall Mrs. Black’s earsplitting shrieks were added to the din. Lupin hurried off to the portrait to restore calm. It was only after he had returned, closing the kitchen door behind him and taking his seat at the table again, that Sirius spoke. “Okay, Harry . . . what do you want to know?”’ 

it’s not just the parallels of confinement between harry, sirius and ginny that are so revealing, it’s also the dual maternal conflicts. ginny loud raging at her own mother sets off the howling relic of sirius’, serving to underline two characters who continue to grapple with maternal relationships that are complex and full of conflict, though by no means solely negative (sirius i see you sleeping in your mother’s bedroom babe. don’t think i think your relationship with walburga is just one of straight hate ok). when ginny later gets knocked down the stairs by fred and george, there’s more direct mrs weasley/walburga parallels, with the two of them literally shouting over each other during the ordeal lol. as such, the readers see that the conflicts being set up for sirius’ character in this book - frustration at confinement, conflict with a mother figure, drawn to more reckless and arguably irresponsible characters (mundungus, the twins) and courses of action - are also conflicts subtly playing out with the new ginny we’re meeting, too.

as the rest of the summer at grimmauld wears on, there are more examples of sirius and ginny foreshadowing. the scenes where the two characters interact serve to place ginny and sirius firmly in the same camp of people harry admires and has fun with, the troublemakers and the rebels. over the prefects issue, ginny not only is sat chatting with the troublemaking adults harry likes most, but actively draws sirius into conversation on the issue, likely knowing the answer will comfort harry, but also showing a curiosity and interest in sirius that suggests she admires him:

“I was never a prefect myself,” said Tonks brightly from behind Harry as everybody moved toward the table to help themselves to food. Her hair was tomato-red and waist length today; she looked like Ginny’s older sister. “My Head of House said I lacked certain necessary qualities.”  “Like what?” said Ginny, who was choosing a baked potato. “Like the ability to behave myself,” said Tonks. Ginny laughed; Hermione looked as though she did not know whether to smile or not and compromised by taking an extra large gulp of butterbeer and choking on it.  “What about you, Sirius?” Ginny asked, thumping Hermione on the back. Sirius, who was right beside Harry, let out his usual barklike laugh…’

ginny’s choice to try and draw sirius into the conversation bears fruit: sirius confirms james was never a prefect, and harry’s sour mood is suddenly lifted. (‘All at once the party seemed much more enjoyable; he loaded up his plate, feeling unusually fond of everyone in the room.’) ginny is thus beginning to provide harry with subtle comfort and reassurance, especially as sirius, struggling with his own confinement,  is taking a less active role in trying to cheer harry up. what i also like is that we have evidence of how ginny views sirius - she’s curious about him and his past, she clearly thinks he and the other new rebellious adults are cool as shit, and she’s drawn increasingly away from her mother’s cautious overprotective approach towards these resistance fighters who prioritise the fight over safety. (it is noticeable to me that ginny does not become a prefect in HBP, suggesting sirius' example proved instructive).

we see more small parallels between sirius and ginny during the cleaning scenes. the battle against grimmauld place is an important symbol of one of the important themes of OotP as a book: a battle over past traumas and their persistent and unwieldy symptoms that are seemingly never-ending. while it’s harry’s experiences that, of course, take centre stage, sirius’, too, loom omnipresent throughout the text. it’s significant, then, that ginny’s own past gets brought up for the first time in three books here, albeit briefly: 

'They found an unpleasant-looking silver instrument, something like a many-legged pair of tweezers, which scuttled up Harry’s arm like a spider when he picked it up, and attempted to puncture his skin; Sirius seized it and smashed it with a heavy book entitled Nature’s Nobility: A Wizarding Genealogy. There was a musical box that emitted a faintly sinister, tinkling tune when wound, and they all found themselves becoming curiously weak and sleepy until Ginny had the sense to slam the lid shut…'

in this moment, we see sirius and ginny singled in the larger group as quick-thinking, shrewd characters, with a good instincts and common sense (if a bit of a tendency to get scrappy). their respective dark pasts are subtly alluded to. sirius whacks a spider trying to attack harry with a book that might as well be entitled my big book of family trauma. ginny, meanwhile, steps in when everybody present starts to be enchanted by a mysterious object luring them into danger by whacking it shut (gee i wonder why!) given this is the book that will see ginny mention the events of CoS for the first time in errrrr three years, it’s significant that the text is careful to draw ginny into this broader theme that unites sirius and harry, the constant reminders of traumatic pasts at every turn. we also see here the revelation that regulus black was a death eater. coming after news of percy weasley’s betrayal, sirius’ bitter dismissal of his younger brother deliberately mirrors ginny and the other weasleys’ attitude towards percy, this sense of pureblood families split over wizarding politics, often fatally. 

while harry fears his expulsion from hogwarts prior his hearing, he continues to fantasise about coming to live with sirius at grimmauld, and about being with a family member and finding an alternative home to hogwarts. sirius, as hermione astutely observes, tries to manage harry’s expectations and not to get his own hopes up: still, when harry is exonerated, sirius is visibly depressed, showing the beginnings of an emotional dependency on harry that harry feels great guilt over.when leaving grimmauld for the start of the school year, sirius, as padfoot, accompanies harry to king’s cross: unlike in GoF, though, he is spotted, and harry begins to worry much more actively about sirius’ vulnerability to capture, about his recklessness and about his judgement. concerned for sirius, and absent ron and hermione, who are in the prefects carriage, the person who stays with harry and offers him company is ginny. she sacrifices her own train journey (presumably with her own boyfriend) to find a carriage with harry and make sure he’s not lonely, bringing him to neville and luna and sorting him out after his embarassing cho run-in. it’s not a coincidence that once again we see ginny here taking care of harry crookshanks:

'“Where’s Crookshanks?” “Ginny’s got him,” said Harry. “There she is. . . .”  Ginny had just emerged from the crowd, clutching a squirming Crookshanks. “Thanks,” said Hermione, relieving Ginny of the cat. “Come on, let’s get a carriage together before they all fill up. . . '

once harry’s back at school, having left sirius behind to languish miserably in london, we see he's more isolated and alone than ever. he’s tormented by umbridge, endlessly (though often unfairly) frustrated with ron and hermione, ghosted by dumbledore, yet absent the more stable, reassuring sirius he came to know in GoF, unable to write candidly to him and faced with a much less well sirius in the opportunities they do have to speak face-to-face. as sirius’ mental health declines as he is shut up at grimmauld, his ability to support harry and comfort him starts to falter, and he becomes a much more uneven source of advice and support, particularly during his car crash floo appearance, where he’s much ruder than he has previously been (cutting off, ignoring their pleas for him to be more cautious, the infamous ‘the risk would have made it fun for james’ moment). this new sirius, clearly struggling, is much more happy to do up guilt trip to his godson than we have seen him to up this point (‘I’ll write to tell you a time I can make it back into the fire, then, shall I? If you can stand to risk it?’ - you petty little shit, padfoot). all of this serves to increase harry’s anxiety about sirius’ wellbeing and reinforce harry’s sense of emotional isolation. even sirius’ encouragement on the DA is, as hermione points out, partly bound up in more selfish motivations (‘I think he’s really frustrated at how little he can do where he is… so I think he’s keen to kind of… egg us on.’)

ginny’s largely absent in this section of the novel. in the brief moments she does appear, it’s to inject humour (eg. her impressions at the DA meeting) and in little reminders that she now has a boyfriend, no longer harbours romantic feelings for harry, making sure the reader continues to hold her mentally apart from harry. harry, meanwhile, misguidedly tries to seek out a relationship with cho chang, who is showing clear signs of her own emotional distress and inability to meet harry’s emotional needs given her own grief. still, among this, there’s still room for some small subtle sirius/ginny parallels. once the DA plot picks up, we have another little sign that ginny weasley and sirius black think somewhat alike:

“Yeah, the D.A.’s good,” said Ginny. “Only let’s make it stand for Dumbledore’s Army because that’s the Ministry’s worst fear, isn’t it?” 

“Trained in combat?” repeated Harry incredulously. “What does he think we’re doing here, forming some sort of wizard army? “That’s exactly what he thinks you’re doing,” said Sirius, “or rather, that’s exactly what he’s afraid Dumbledore’s doing — forming his own private army, with which he will be able to take on the Ministry of Magic.” 

with harry's isolation and need for more emotional support established in this first term, christmas at grimmauld offers more opportunity to subtly develop the sirius and ginny parallels, as well as to highlight ginny’s ability to fill the gaps left by sirius’ decline. after the attack on arthur weasley, the group arrive back at grimmauld:

‘Sirius was hurrying toward them all, looking anxious. He was unshaven and still in his day clothes; there was also a slightly Mundungus-like whiff of stale drink about him. “What’s going on?” he said, stretching out a hand to help Ginny up. “Phineas Nigellus said Arthur’s been badly injured —” 

could this be sirius literally lifting ginny up into plot significance? why yes it could

ofc the weasleys then argue with sirius about their right to go see their father. despite his own frustrations at being trapped at grimmauld, sirius proves the voice of reason and rational decision making against both ginny and the twins’ hotheadedness (ginny asks to borrow cloaks to go to the hospital: sirius: ‘Hang on, you can’t go tearing off to St. Mungo’s!’) crucially, though, when sirius points out that there are bigger things at stake - the work of the order and the resistance movement - it’s ginny who listens:

“Your father knew what he was getting into, and he won’t thank you for messing things up for the Order!” said Sirius angrily in his turn. “This is how it is — this is why you’re not in the Order — you don’t understand — there are things worth dying for!”  “Easy for you to say, stuck here!” bellowed Fred. “I don’t see you risking your neck!”  The little colour remaining in Sirius’s face drained from it. He looked for a moment as though he would quite like to hit Fred, but when he spoke, it was in a voice of determined calm. “I know it’s hard, but we’ve all got to act as though we don’t know anything yet. We’ve got to stay put, at least until we hear from your mother, all right?”  Fred and George still looked mutinous. Ginny, however, took a few steps over to the nearest chair and sank into it. Harry looked at Ron, who made a funny movement somewhere between a nod and shrug, and they sat down too. The twins glared at Sirius for another minute, then took seats on either side of Ginny.  “That’s right,” said Sirius encouragingly, “come on, let’s all . . . let’s all have a drink while we’re waiting…’

there’s a lot going on here: ginny’s willingness to follow sirius’ orders, but also her willingness to accept an argument based on some idea of the greater good before any of her brothers. she and sirius are aligned here, and it’s her decision to accept sirius’ reasoning that proves the catalyst for her brothers to follow. we see here how ginny has come to see sirius: someone she looks up to and admires, an adult whose judgement she trusts and whose worldview she subscribes to. (as a character prone to hero worship - see her view of her big brother bill - i think this is noteworthy, and is behind a lot of my characterisation choices for ginny towards sirius in beasts). but we also see that ginny agrees with sirius' worldview. there are some things worth dying for, and self-sacrifice is part of that.

when harry goes to sirius for reassurance about witnessing arthur’s attack, he finds sirius unable to properly console him and convince him that he was not to blame for arthur’s attack. the reader gets the impression of sirius withholding information from harry (‘He could only see a sliver of Sirius’s face; the rest was in darkness’), and the scene ends with sirius clapping harry on the shoulder and leaving him ‘standing alone in the dark’. while sirius throws himself into christmas preparations, obviously delighted to have company, harry shrinks from the cheer and isolates himself. in the end, ofc, the only person that manages to pull harry out of his dark, brooding thoughts is ginny. the text is careful to note she’s sitting beside him on the tube back from st mungo’s, when he looks very unwell. then, in the ‘lucky you’ scene, she showcases some of the same skills harry first came to appreciate in sirius in GoF. she tells it to him straight: she’s sympathetic, but not overly gushing, and she reminds him of her own intensely frightening experience which she endured alone, something harry can relate to, even if the experience of possession is not.  it’s an important scene for lots of reasons, but it’s also, crucially, the intervention that causes harry’s mood to lift, and he gets to enjoy a christmas with his godfather, the thing he had most wanted in the run-up to christmas, and which becomes the only holiday period harry and sirius ever spend together: 

‘I’m not the weapon after all, thought Harry. His heart swelled with happiness and relief, and he felt like joining in as they heard Sirius tramping past their door toward Buckbeak’s room, singing “God Rest Ye Merry, Hippogriffs” at the top of his voice.’

of course, once christmas is over, sirius slips back into a depressed, gloomy state. harry wants a better goodbye than he gives him, merely giving him a quick one armed hug (there’s a real theme throughout harry and sirius’ relationship of very sparing physical contact on sirius’ part, which is obviously a hole in harry's life ginny will fill in - er - a big way). back at school, harry returns to umbridge’s increasingly draconian rule, maks a disastrous attempt at forging a relationship with cho, and continues to feel lonely, paranoid, and angry. unable to speak to sirius properly via letter or floo - and unwilling to open the present sirius has given him to communicate directly with him, the two-way mirror - harry is increasingly sullen, a mood that only worsens after seeing snape's worst memory.

the easter egg scene is obviously important for hinny for lots of different reasons. but here i just want to highlight how the scene serves to show ginny as both the conduit to sirius for harry, and someone whose behaviour echoes that of sirius in GoF when harry first began to open up to and seek comfort in him. harry is distressed by his now complicated feelings both towards the father he previously revered and towards sirius, who seemed to encourage james’ bullying behaviour. ginny hands harry a chocolate easter egg covered in snitches: chocolate, a canonical source of comfort against dark thoughts, and an egg that reminds him of the love of parent. the act makes him suddenly emotional, though he at first denies he’s upset. ginny presses carefully and sensitively, asking the right questions to get him to confess the source of his worry, waiting for harry to take his time to speak - all behaviours that echo sirius’ own effective listening techniques. ginny’s acquaintance with sirius, and knowledge of how significant he is to harry, is important here, too, and a subtle sign to the reader that he trusts ginny with knowledge about sirius after a long time of having her in the dark about his godfather.  the reader leaves the scene having seen ginny breakthrough to harry emotionally in a way for the second time in the novel, in a way no other character has done (‘he felt a bit more hopeful…’) 

of course, the course of action ginny has set in motion is itself risky and reckless (‘anything is possible if you’ve got enough nerve’ is very marauders as a philosophy). the decision to go ahead with the plan the twins come up with is one harry sees as a decision on whether to be more like james and sirius - a risk taker - or to abandon the hero worship for the marauders he has lived with for so long. in the end, of course, it’s a win for the reckless troublemakers: he chooses to go ahead with the plan the twins have crafted and that ginny has set in motion, and to speak to sirius.

and yet. sirius is still alive - there is not need for ginny yet. for the remainder of the book, ginny has to beg to be included in the trio's plans and to be allowed to be a part of the plot to rescue sirius. she’s is often in conflict with harry, showing a lot of sirius’ bitterness at attempts at containment and to keep her out of the fighting. she grates against harry’s insistence that she is too young and inexperienced, and having to remind the trio that she, too, has come to care about sirius and wants to see him safe: 

“I’ve got a broom!” said Ginny.  “Yeah, but you’re not coming,” said Ron angrily.  “Excuse me, but I care what happens to Sirius as much as you do!” said Ginny, her jaw set so that her resemblance to Fred and George was suddenly striking. 

of course, it all ends in tragedy: sirius, desperate to go to harry’s aid and absolutely gunning for a fight after months of confinement, is killed, leaving harry alone. there a subtle clues that something has shifted in ginny’s relationship to harry and the trio in the scenes after sirius’ death, including ginny positioned as the mirror image to harry in the hospital: 

‘Harry was sitting on the end of Ron’s bed and they were both listening to Hermione read the front page of the Sunday Prophet. Ginny, whose ankle had     been mended in a trice by Madam Pomfrey, was curled up at the foot of Hermione’s bed…’

despite this, in the immediate aftermath of sirius’ death, harry is extremely alone. he is unable to work out what he needs (‘Whenever he was in company he wanted to get away, and whenever he was alone he wanted company.’) he tries to go to hagrid’s, but regrets it (‘He was starting to wish he was alone again’), leaving after hagrid reminds him of sirius’ core traits, an inability to stay out of the fight when he believes in the cause:

“But still, Harry . . . he was never one ter sit around at home an’ let other people do the fightin’. He couldn’ have lived with himself if he hadn’ gone ter help —” 

unlike at the end of GoF, harry is isolated by his grief and the revelation of the prophecy's contents by the end of this book. he goes alone to a secluded corner of the lakeshore, ‘sheltered from the gaze of passersby behind a tangle of shrubs’, and ‘[stares] out over the gleaming water’, and cries alone. there is no sirius or other person to catch him and console him in his grief. his person has died, and there’s a gap in his life again, just waiting to be filled: 

‘Wanting to impress Cho seemed to belong to a past that was no longer quite connected with him. So much of what he had wanted before Sirius’s death felt that way these days. . . . The week that had elapsed since he had last seen Sirius seemed to have lasted much, much longer: It stretched across two universes, the one with Sirius in it, and the one without.’

ginny and sirius parallels in HBP and DH

after sirius’ death, the parallels between sirius and ginny become more important as ginny moves into the centre frame as a character. at the start of HBP, harry arrives at the burrow and discusses his grief over sirius’ death with dumbledore in the burrow broom shed, acknowledging how profoundly the loss of a family member who cares singularly about him is affecting him. ('He felt stupid for admitting it, but the fact that he had had someone outside Hogwarts who cared what happened to him, almost like a parent, had been one of the best things about discovering his godfather . . . and now the post owls would never bring him that comfort again. . . .' beasts readers: there's a reason harry clings to letters!) of course, having reminded the reader of the gap in harry’s life that now needs to be filled, harry goes to sleep, the active reflection on his grief for sirius put to one side so the novel's plot can get underway. he'll go to bed mourning sirius and wake up in a sunlit bedroom. of course, ginny will walk into this bedroom too, only now things will be different: harry potter is back to the search for a loved one, for a family, and he's about to realise ginny is the one he wants to fill it. thus the start of the plot of ginny stepping into the role vacated by sirius beginneth.

so much of who ginny is in HBP is reminiscent of sirius. she frequently leaps into battle as harry’s protector (‘You’re taking orders from something someone wrote in a book?’, ‘Give it a rest, Hermione’), she’s scrappy (RIP zacharias smith), she’s funny and laughs easily in a way that less recalls sirius in the time harry knew him than sirius as harry sees him as a young man, in photographs or memories. she's the one who commits to the insane christmas decorations, determined to cheer everyone up over the festive period as sirius did the year before. she even enjoys the widespread admiration and lust of her peers, a trait that directly recalls sirius being eyed up by his peers in snape's memory. by the novel’s end, after dumbledore’s death, it will be ginny who goes to harry’s side after the climax of the plot and catch him in his grief just as sirius did in GoF, this time over dumbledore’s death: 

‘He did not want to leave Dumbledore’s side, he did not want to move anywhere. Hagrid’s hand on his shoulder was trembling. Then another voice said, “Harry, come on.’ A much smaller and warmer hand had enclosed his and was pulling him upward. He obeyed its pressure without really thinking about it.’

their breakup has sirius all over it. taking place at the lakeshore, the place where harry wept alone over sirius a year prior, harry draws on the circumstances of sirius’ demise as a reason he must break up with ginny (‘Voldemort uses people his enemies are close to.’) the breakup does little to shift what ginny has become in harry’s mind, though, and he spends all of DH thinking of her as he once thought of sirius: the person whose safety he most craves, the person he misses, someone he claims as his, and whom he associates with (now banished) hopes of a home and a family:

“It’s not a problem,” said Harry, sickened by the pain in his head. “It’s your family, ’course you’re worried. I’d feel the same way.” He thought of Ginny. “I do feel the same way.”

of course, echoes of sirius will also come into play during open war. it’s now ginny, not sirius, who is the one left behind for her own protection: in the run-up to the battle, harry finds himself once again faced with the prospect of confining his loved one for their safety, despite their desperation to fight and do the right thing. but these are thoughts for part 2…….

[frvnkcastles]

I feel shithouse for asking since I'm not a girlie, bur I was! Trans guy here but honestly a trauma ex girlie!

Can I request something with a reader (doesn't matter the pronouns if you feel more comfy writing she/her that's chill!) Where the reader is asked to come to Christmas with their family, and frank is a plus one bur you're worried as your family are alcoholics (starting drinking at like 10 til late) and the reader is trying to cut down but their family is really pushy and feels like they're gonna fall back into bad patterns and Frank pulls them away for an hour just talking and smoking a cigarette as the readers the only dart smoker in the family as they've all transitioned to vaping?

(Maybe just mother, brother, sister in law and reader +frank, and possibly the radio keeps turning on and off and the family calling out readers grandparents in the afterlife as the cause v much jokingly?)

YOU’RE THE ONLY PLACE THAT FEELS LIKE HOME ➵ F. CASTLE

Summary: When you have to deal with your alcoholic family, Frank is there to support you.

Warnings: Alcoholism, implied past abuse, mention of deceased grandparents, reader smokes, language, gender neutral reader

Word count: 1.7k

Author’s note: Anon, don’t feel bad at all!! This is a safe space for everyone no matter what and you’re 100% welcome here. I do wish more of my fics were gender neutral but often my ideas come from my own experiences as a mentally ill/traumatized woman and when I get requests, they usually mention she/her pronouns. That said, while I don’t really know how to write from the perspective of a man, I have no problem writing a gender neutral reader if it’s specified. Also, I am very sorry you had to wait such a long time for this, I hope you like it!! Sending you lots of love <3

When your family invited you to spend the holidays with them, you instinctively knew you were in for an uncomfortable time. Since you had moved out, you had tried to keep your distance and unlearn the bad habits that you had developed at home — like drinking. That was your first and foremost concern, having to witness their drunken behavior and how the situation would most likely escalate sooner or later, as it always did. You had done a great job of cutting down but you feared that being back in their company would force you to undo all your progress.

The one good thing about the whole thing was that they didn’t protest you bringing Frank along. He made most shitty situations better just by being present, and you instantly felt heard and comforted when he agreed to come with you. Frankly, he was opposed to the mere thought of letting you go alone, knowing all about your complicated family history and therefore determined to support you through every encounter.

”Y’know you’re allowed to decline, yeah? Don’t wanna see you puttin’ yourself through shit just ’cause they’re askin’”, he reminded as you were getting ready to leave for your mother’s house. Pulling on his jacket, he eyed you, looking for any hint of hesitation on your face, but you were doing a good job at putting up a brave front. You wanted to keep the peace, and admittedly, a little bit of you missed your family and ached to spend time with them, even if you knew it probably wouldn’t end well.

”Thanks, Frankie. It’s okay, I want to go. Just… need you by my side”, you sighed, and nodding, Frank stepped over to you to press a kiss on your temple, brief but full of emotion.

”You got me, darlin’. I ain’t goin’ anywhere”, he assured before taking your hand and steering you out the door.

He encouraged you to take deep breaths during the drive over, noticing with ease how anxiety was starting to manifest in your bouncing leg and chewed bottom lip. You tried to take Frank’s advice and keep yourself calm, but as soon as you arrived at the house, you came to the conclusion the night was already becoming more intense than you had anticipated.

There was a haze of drunken stupor in the air and loud chatter filled every room, tipping almost over to downright shouting. Bottles and cans littered the tables and the realization that everyone was already drunk unsettled you, making you swallow hard as you reached for Frank’s hand. He squeezed tight, unwavering as he stood next to you.

”Finally! Took you long enough”, your brother noticed you standing by the door, and he rushed to you, shoving a bottle of beer into your hands. You shook your head and handed it back over to him, which earned a scoff from me. ”What, you too good for us now?” he mocked, but he didn’t linger to hear your response, just stomped back to the dining room where your mother was setting up dinner.

You glanced at Frank, and he directed an affirming nod at you, giving you the strength and will to walk to the dining table with him right behind you. You exchanged greetings with your mother who was clearly tipsy at the very least, and your attempts to make conversation went unheard and unnoticed. You supposed it was a good thing — they weren’t actively picking fights with you, at least.

Frank, ever the gentleman, helped bring in all the food and the plates, with the same goal as you: keeping the peace. He wasn’t interested in befriending your family because of all the trauma they had bestowed upon you, but for your sake, he remained cordial and polite. That said, he was ready to defend you at the smallest thing.

As everyone sat down for dinner, your mother poured you a glass of liquour and you instantly felt opposed to the idea. ”Oh, I don’t really drink anymore”, you tried, and in an instant, your mother and brother exchanged looks that were judgmental as well as surprised.

”One drink won’t kill you”, your mother insisted, continuing to pour until the glass was filled to the brim. You licked your lips nervously, but unwilling to start a full-blown argument by refusing, you reached for the glass.

Frank stopped you, however. ”They don’t gotta drink anythin’ they don’t wanna”, he spoke firmly, his tone stern enough to warn everyone not to start with him. You smiled softly at him and he squeezed your thigh in response, keeping you close to him in the hopes that his warmth would ground you in the otherwise anxiety-inducing environment.

Your mother opened her mouth to retort something, but she was cut off by the radio crackling, quickly redirecting her attention. ”Must be your grandparents again”, she commented with a laugh, one you didn’t return. You shuffled uncomfortably in your seat and Frank gave your arm a comforting caress, his eyes darting between you and your family. He hated seeing you in these situations that only distressed you, and he wished there was more he could have done to help.

But he tried by gaining control of the conversation. It was a gesture you appreciated greatly, especially because you knew he was most definitely not the kind of man who participated in small-talk. He was used to sitting back and observing, but right now, you didn’t have the capacity to keep chatting and he didn’t mind taking the reins on your behalf. He kept your mother busy so that she wouldn’t have the chance to push you to drink, but your brother still jumped at the opportunity.

”You’re really not gonna drink that? God, you really have changed. Can’t even have a drink with your family anymore”, he rolled his eyes, trying his very best to guilt you into having a sip, and it almost worked. You were moments away from cracking under the pressure, but once again, Frank came to your rescue.

”We’re, uh, we’re gon’ get some fresh air. Excuse us”, Frank informed curtly, his words respectful but his tone cold, just like the look in his eyes. He wasn’t going to let you sit there as the target of their complaints anymore, and so, he helped you up from the seat and guided you outside into the refreshing air.

You exhaled heavily as you dug out a cigarette with shaky hands, and Frank ran his hand across his face in frustration. He was seething, feeling so much anger towards your family for being so pushy with you, and he was desperate to just carry you in the car and take you home right now.

”We ain’t gotta stay, baby. The way they treat you… makes me real upset for you. Just say the word and I’ll take you home, got that?” he swore, his eyes piercing yours as you inhaled the cigarette. You pondered on his offer, and you couldn’t deny that it sounded tempting — it wasn’t a good time so far, and you doubted it was getting any better with all the alcohol they were consuming nonstop.

”Yeah, I don’t really want to stay for long. Let’s just get through dinner and then we’ll go?” you suggested, and sucking in a breath, Frank bowed his head in an agreeing nod.

”Whatever you wanna do. But I ain’t lettin’ you drink when you’ve done so well without any”, he decided with a point of his finger, and with an appreciative smile curling your lips, you reached for his forearm and squeezed.

”Thank you, Frankie. This would suck a lot more without you”, you noted, and with a quiet chuckle, Frank shrugged.

”Yeah, well, I’d need a damn good reason not to be here for you. I don’t want you to deal with all this all by yourself, y’know?” he explained, stepping closer to you and winding an arm over your shoulders. He pulled you closer, and while making sure you wouldn’t get ash on him, you leaned into him and enjoyed the feeling of his firm body against yours.

”I know it sucks. It’s just… they’re my family. I’ve realized it’s not healthy for me to spend a lot of time with them but sometimes I miss them”, you admitted quietly, a little embarrassed to speak the truth, but Frank wouldn’t judge you.

He pressed a kiss into your hair, in fact. ”I hear ya. It ain’t easy to cut off the people you’ve grown up with. I’m proud of you, anyway. You’re doin’ so great, hear me?” he emphasized, wanting you to know that he admired your strength. You were the most amazing person he knew and he would never let you forget that.

”You’re so sweet”, you muttered, shy under his praise and deep stare, and he reacted with a snort.

”That’s the first time anyone’s ever said that ’bout me, sweetheart”, he declared, and it made you laugh — even if you strongly felt like he should hear it all the time.

Sighing, you put out your cigarette. ”I guess we should head back inside”, you gave in, but with a tut, Frank pulled you back from the door.

”I mean, they ain’t exactly lookin’ for us yet. We’re in no hurry, yeah? We can take a moment, just you and me”, he proposed instead, and you didn’t take much convincing, especially with his dark eyes looking so soft and caring as they bore into yours. There was a small, hopeful smile on his lips, and that was enough to reel you in.

”I’d like that”, you agreed before leaning in to kiss his cheek. ”Thanks for everything, Frank. This really means a lot”, you added, and caressing your hair, he shook his head.

”Ya gotta stop thankin’ me, darlin’. I’m just doin’ what I can to help. And treatin’ you the way you deserve, aight?” he countered, serious about being good to you. And so far, he had been successful in every way.

It was going to be a long night, but you felt encouraged with Frank by your side, and you knew you had a way out if you just told him you wanted to go. It didn’t erase all your problems with your family, but it was safe to say you had found a new one in Frank.

[a-writing-otter]

WIP Wednesday - Chapter 10 of The Redemption and Subsequent Death of Bill Cipher

Bill is drinking tea as he looks down at Dipper’s journal. The most recent pages are several detailed descriptions and theories revolving the entity known as Copernicus (Less of an “entity” and more of a “pain in the ass” in Bill’s opinion, but tom-may-to, to-mah-to). After wading through what memories he’s got, Bill has divulged everything he can come up with on both the demon himself and incubi in general.

“So, they’re only as strong as who they’re feeding off of?” Dipper asks, scribbling something down.

Bill makes a halfway gesture.

“They’re only as strong as the strength they’ve accumulated and the realm that they’re rooted to. Copernicus feeds on this realm, most incubi do because it’s a plane rife with people who all hate their lives and are willing to indulge in anything to escape it. The goal is to feed here and tear it up in another dimension, usually the Nightmare Realm. Copernicus wants to feed and tear it up here, so he needs to bring his roots into this realm. If he does that, he doesn’t need Dottie Gleeful anymore and can just walk around and cause indiscriminate chaos.”

“Which is why he needs the rift opened—“

“So he can squeeze his scrawny ass through,” Bill mutters into the tea before taking a sip.

“How do we avoid doing that while getting him out of a person?”

Bill comes a little closer over Dipper’s shoulder.

“Your uncle’s working on that right now,” Bill mumbles before pointing at the book and the drawing that Dipper has rendered of Copernicus’ previous demon form, per Bill’s description. “Good sketch, kid.”

Dipper smiles up at him before turning back to it.

“What does he look like normally?”

Bill sighs at that.

“Well, it’s… a little more complicated.” He stares down into the cup for a second. “I always knew him like that, as a diamond with three eyes, similar to the way I used to look, but a different shape, color, and eyes set-up. He also likes neck-ties and bowler hats.”

“But?”

“But incubi are a lot more fluid with their form,” Bill explains. “He put that form on to appease me. To… To make me feel less alone.”

Copernicus, once upon a time, had been very good at that. Up until a couple of months prior, he hadn’t remembered their time together unfondly. Copernicus had been a pretty good boyfriend, all things considered. They’d drifted the Nightmare Realm together, caused undue chaos, and when Bill had told him about the things he heard, the things he saw, Copernicus believed him.

Another universe, they might have ruled this stupid planet together.

But now Bill wants to “protect it” and that kind of throws a wrench in everything else.

Not to mention his current “boyfriend” situation which is less of a “boyfriend” situation and a “maybe-not-also-kind-of-yes-boyfriend-situation”. Which, like, now isn’t exactly the time to quantify that just because they slept together.

And Bill said that he loves him.

And neither of them have commented on it in the few days since.

It’s fine. It’s good. All fine. Time to figure this stuff out once they dealt with everything else.

Right.

“What’s he look like when he’s normal?”

It takes a second for Bill to conjure the image, thinking back to the dream he’d had before they exorcised him.

“Kind of… amorphous. A cloud, grey-purple in color. Lots of hands and eyes. God, Cooper’s really just eyes. Incubi tend to have very fluid forms, lets them adapt to different forms with ease.”

“So if he is able to get the rift open—“

“No, he won’t just turn into anyone.” Bill lets out an almost bitter laugh. “He’s vain as anything, you saw the way he was with Dottie. He’s got forms he favors and he’ll turn into one of those. But, we’re not opening the rift, so it’s not really an issue that we—“

“We’re going to open the rift,” Ford announces as he walks into the kitchen.

“Oh, look,” Bill glances to Dipper, “your uncle’s gone crazy.”

[deathnguts]

Spare some rabastan lestrange for the needy pls🤲 (i’m the needy and i’d like to know what you think about his dynamic with his brothers)

Sigh, fine I’ll guess I’ll spare some pennies. Thank you for the ask! This is kinda scatter brained and kinda focused on Rodolphus to like parallel/paint how the brothers are together with they are separate and yeah I dunno I threw up

So usually I internalize whatever @florsial (formal apology to you pookie, Im about to act out of line 🫶) says about Rabastan because we tend to agree on things surrounding him but I think we definitely view Rodolphus differently. Which is fine, he barely exists as a character and I think it’s just representative of how we fundamentally view sibling relationships differently. Like I don’t know what it is with me, but I feel the need ti make every sibling relationship I write for either fanfiction or my own work complicated as hell.

So Rodolphus Lestrange. I think he’s a lot like Orion Black. Like he probably even looked up to him kind of when he grew up, (which is kinda funny because Rodolphus probably isn’t much younger than him if at all considering my headcanon that both walburga and Orion were young when they had both their children to kind of get it out of the way) and you can see that in like a lot of how he just is. Hes ‘stoic’ but actually just doesn’t feel a lot of emotions and doesn’t pretend he does, he’s probably like a hair away from being an alcoholic but he doesn’t drink because he knows that (unlike Orion who is very much an alcoholic), hes antisocial and physically annoyed around people because he doesn’t understand why they are as ‘efficient’ as he is and looks down on all of them.

He’s very work oriented, so much so that he doesn’t really have a life outside of it at all. He’s always been the twin the family knew to count on and he always liked having the title so he never had a rebellious stage or any real anger towards his expectations beyond being tired at the end of a particularly grueling work day. I think the only work hes expected to do that he actively doesn’t work towards doing is producing heirs. He doesn’t like kids, he thinks they’re loud and messy and they get in the way of a schedule. It’s like the only thing him and Bellatrix agree on since she also wants nothing to do with kids. (Also quick note on their marriage, I think they pretty much ignore each other and that’s their idea of what they’ll be like forever. When in public together they put on the ‘better than you’ couple mask but in every other scenario they live completely separate lives and actively avoid each other or they’ll find something to fight about.) like the general vibe I could sum him up with is, yes he’s Rabastan’s twin, but everyone who’s ever talked with him assumes he’s like a decade older and just aged well.

So to contrast that with Rabastan, who was never really expected to be anything and never proved anyone wrong, he’s the sort of kid his mother defends no matter what but he father actively tries to forget about. The exact sort Rodolphus looks down on. He can’t help it’s his brother, he’s still below him. And that would be easier to accept if Rabastan stopped proving it over and over. He had to act out in school, he had to move where mother couldn’t find at seventeen, he had to preach to the family that they were ‘immoral’ or whatever, and then he had to preach it to a child, and then he had to marry the child. Like, Rodolphus isn’t a good man by many means, but his lack of feeling or empathy towards people gives him a more head on view of them. And his head on view of his brother is that he’s useless, dramatic, and so desperate to be anything he’ll lie to a little girl to get her to view him that way. And not to say Rodolphus is any better since he witnessed first hand what his brother was doing, he literally walked in on the two hiding away to make out in a corner when regulus was still fifteen and his brother was the same age as himself and just turned back around and never mentioned it to anyone. A truly good person probably would’ve done something. Good thing that’s not what he’s trying to be.

(Also unrelated but I wanna circle back to a point @florsial has that I love about how Rabastan and Regulus are a couple who tries to nuclear and domestic but fails, I feel like that’s a joke on its own especially in this context. The idea that Rodolphus is the nuclear working man so Rabastan must parallel him by being a family man, he just isn’t. Yes he’s closer with his wife than his brother is, and yes that could be something he has over Rodolphus but pretty much no one in their family is proud of Rabastan for his teenage wife and it’s not like their perfect or anything.)

Rodolphus has probably told Rabastan he thinks this only once since he’s usually content to be quiet about it. He probably broke and yelled about how Rabastan will never be anything ro even get his shit together and it won’t matter because no one has hope he will and it hurts because Rodolphus was never given that leeway and it must be fucking nice to have. Rabastan probably doubles back with how much it must be nice for anyone to give a shit about you, to not only exoect things from you but love you even more when you deliver. They probably kept fighting until Rodolphus, as always, gets tired and shuts it down and goes home.

Because even a man who feels nothing has breaking points, especially when Rabastan keeps fucking pushing for one. And that was their relationship a lot of their life, I think. Rabastan desperately wanting to be seen and Rodolphus who is willingly blind. When they were younger that was ok, little kids before hogwarts just played together until father came to take Rodolphus away, growing boys at hogwarts who slowly drift apart when one doubles down on academics and the other found there’s more to do (and not for lack of desperate trying on the seconds behalf.) and then they’re grown up and neither can place what really happened. They’re sure they used to love each other, at least they think so. And they don’t know what happened, because something must have happened. Right?

Yeah I dunno it’s hard to continuously explain but I think what’s tragic about them is that it’s needless. Rabastan could try ti be better and it would not only help his relationships but himself, Rodolphus could try ti be more and he same would happen to him. If either brother were better at being human then they would be better at loving each other. But they’re not, so they can’t.

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

Dangancember 2024 - Danganronpa Top 24 Class Trials - Number 10: Danganronpa 2 Case 1

//It was very very difficult to decide what between this case and the first case of Another 2 would be the one to manage to breach the Top 10, but ultimately, I had to give it to the OG series because of how significant an impact this case had, and how it set itself apart from the opening case of the first game.

//And it largely has to do with how much better than SDRA2 it does at setting up what a sequal can offer, even if its not by an awful lot.

//Personally speaking, I think if you take a step back and look at all the opening cases of this main series and the Another games, this is definitely the most engaging mystery and narrative of all the opening trials.

//And I know what people are going to say in response to that. And yes, we do still have one more opening trial to cover. And LORD KNOWS what that could be (he said sarcastically.)

//But I feel the need to remind people what this list is about. I am not ranking these trials based on how good I think the mystery is alone. I'm ranking them based on how much I, personally, feel they resonated with me. How much I cared about them.

//I can reflect upon myself and say that 2-1 is a better mystery than 1-1, V3-1, A-1, and A2-1, but that doesn't necessarily make if my favourite because maybe there are others that I felt were more impactful for me.

//But for what it's worth, 10th place and second favourite opening trial isn't bad.

//Right out of the gate, I think what makes this trial so much more impactful to me as an opening is the simple fact that, DRASTICALLY unlike Case 1 of DR1, it's a tutorial case, but it doesn't feel like one.

//Ergo, it doesn't give you a painfully simple mystery and/or hold your hand throughout the duration.

//It instead introduces both old and new gameplay mechanics organically, almost tricking you into learning while you’re too busy untangling the chaos of all the wacky shit that goes on here. Like being fed your vegetables but disguised as a pizza.

//The game sprinkles in trial mechanics and investigation tools gradually, so players grasp concepts without realizing they’re being taught. For example, the glowing paint on Nagito’s knife not only advances the plot but doubles as a clever way to demonstrate how evidence ties to crime scene analysis.

Plus, the setup; a pitch-black room full of panicking Ultimate students; makes the case feel dynamic and complex, while still being manageable for a first-timer. It's a much more complicated and thorough mystery thanks to the not-very bathroom-like liminal space that the first game had.

//By the time you’ve solved the mystery, you’re already an expert in piecing together alibis, reconstructing timelines, and using testimony against suspects, all without a giant neon sign saying, "Press this button now."

//In contrast, the first Danganronpa case felt more like a guided tour of Murder Mystery Land, complete with monotone Monokuma hints. Here, Danganronpa 2 tricks you into thinking you’re a genius detective right out of the gate, when really, it’s just doing a great job at teaching the ropes. It’s the difference between a boring school lecture and a fun, chaotic group project where someone (probably Nagito) brings a flamethrower. The result? A tutorial that feels like part of the narrative instead of a checklist.

//The large reason why I think DR2 leans way more into the chaos is that it assumes you've already played the first game, so you already know what's at stake here.

//In Danganronpa 1, the rules of how the Killing Game work are different than most other iterations, because you're walked through it one step at a time. Monokuma introduces the fact that you're stuck here, and murdering someone might be your only way out, but it isn't until AFTER Sayaka dies that the concept of the Class Trial even comes up.

//Monokuma introduces it immediately in Danganronpa 2, and explains it quite thoroughly, if a little suddenly.

//I genuinely believe the tension among the characters and their reactions to being thrust into a mutual killing game feel much heavier in Danganronpa 2 compared to other games. I even think the stakes are automatically higher than V3, despite how terrifying things seem right from the get go in that game.

//Right from the outset, there’s a palpable sense of unease, and the characters’ behaviors reflect that in spades. Take Kazuichi, for instance. We know this to be common with him now, but his paranoia is cranked up so high at the beginning that he flat-out refuses to attend the morning meetings. Something that everybody agreed to do in Danganronpa 1, and didn't get broken up until halfway into Chapter 2 earliest when Byakuya went off to do his own thing and Toko started following him.

//This isn’t your average "we’re all in this together" camaraderie; this is "I don’t trust any of you, so I’m staying put" energy. Moments like this amplify the weight of the situation and make the entire atmosphere more ominous and unsettling than its predecessor. Even though Jabberwock Island is way more out in the open than Hope's Peak was.

//The setup for the murder itself is also quite clever. Byakuya, a returning character from the first game, (or so we think at the time) decides to host a party to keep everyone in one place and prevent a murder.

//Because what could possibly go wrong with that plan?

//Well, everything, as it turns out.

//Fuyuhiko refuses to attend, probably because he’s too busy being the resident jerk, and in a twist dripping with irony, Byakuya’s noble attempt to maintain order directly leads to his demise. The dramatic irony here is so thick you could cut it with Nagito’s glowing, conveniently placed knife.

//Which we will get to.

//What really elevates this case is the setting and investigation. And as I already eluded to, the first case always takes place in a typically liminal setting, and that applies to the Another games too. Makoto's bathroom, the Old Building, the Library, the Girls' Bathroom, and the Belltower are all very simple areas, with the SDRA2 Belltower being the most vast.

//But in DR2, the quirks and layout of the Old Building are taken full advantage of, more than any of those other places where they contain at least one minor nitpick that insinuates there's more going on than there appears to be.

//Instead of snooping around in someone’s private bedroom, as we did in the first game, we’re exploring an old, creaky building full of mysteries and logistical challenges. From the blackout setup to the hidden compartments, every element feels like a classic whodunit sprinkled with that signature Danganronpa flair.

//Sure, there are death flags waving furiously, but the execution makes it all worthwhile. It’s a standout opening case that sets the bar high for tension, creativity, and character dynamics.

//But yeah, let's start talking about how this case pans out, starting with the first death itself.

//If you were to ask me who I think, of all of the first victims in the series, was the most shocking to me, I'd probably say Rantaro, but Byakuya in this game is definitely the close second.

//And Rantaro's death wasn't as emotionally captivating as it just was shocking, given how the game REALLY set him up to feel like he might be important, then went a different route than what they had already done with Kyoko and Hajime.

//Sayaka, Yuri, and even Kiyoka in contrast were raising so many death flags, and although it became obvious to me from the fact that Byakuya wasn't there by the time the lights came back on that he was dead...Good lord, it got me regardless.

//One of the best ways to kick off a killing game is by hitting players with a truly unexpected victim, and Danganronpa 2 nails this in its first case.

//And then Kodaka just went mad with this idea with V3 and Rain Code later.

//That aside, Byakuya was already so important from the get go because he's a (seemingly) returning character from the previous game, and even though he's gained a lot of weight since then for some reason, he's also gained a newfound dedication to leading everyone to safety.

//Upon reflection, he’s practically dripping with death flags, because he gets so much significant screentime in the same way Sayaka did in the first game. But even so, it's because he's been through this already that when he ends up as the first victim, it’s still a huge shock.

//Of course, the twist that he’s not actually Byakuya but an Impostor pretending to be him adds another layer to the surprise later on. Obviously, we as Survivor writers and readers know him as Ryuji Mitarai now, but I'm just gonna call him "Imposter" here so we don't get things twisted.

//Impostor is a surprisingly likable character in spite of his short screentime, especially when you consider he’s imitating someone who’s iconic for being, well, a complete jerk. Unlike the real Byakuya, Impostor exudes a level of care and selflessness that makes him stand out in the group.

//His decision to host a party in an effort to bring everyone together and keep them safe is a solid plan, at least on paper. As said already, the irony that his attempt to protect everyone results in his own death is just the kind of cruel twist that Danganronpa loves to serve up these days. However, because we don’t know at this point that he’s an Impostor, his actions reflect more on the character he’s pretending to be than on himself, leaving him feeling a bit thin as a character in this particular moment.

That said, Impostor shines in other parts of the franchise, particularly in the Danganronpa 3 anime. Now, we all know that DR3 kind of sucks, but Impostor’s moments are a rare highlight. His actions there show more of his true personality and make him one of the few redeeming elements of the show.

//So while he doesn’t get as much depth in this first case, his later appearances prove that he’s more than just a stand-in for Byakuya. In hindsight, his role in Case 1 is both ironic and tragic, but it sets up an intriguing foundation for his character.

//The investigation begins quickly after his body is discovered under a table, and it's already off to an amazing start.

//I found this investigation surprisingly enjoyable, and honestly, it felt oddly realistic to me. Maybe that’s a weird take, but hear me out.

//Whenever I go to indoor parties or events like that, I tend to get flushed and a little lightheaded, whether it’s from the heat, the crowd, or the questionable air circulation. Even though I wasn’t physically at the old building, the atmosphere was so immersive that I actually started feeling that same wooziness.

//The setting, with its dim lighting and creaky vibes, reminded me of places I’ve been to for dinner parties, which only added to the mystery’s engagement factor. It’s like my brain decided to simulate party-induced fogginess just to make the experience more authentic.

//Now, I’ll be the first to admit that this might be a "me" problem. I’m not claiming to be the sharpest tool in the shed, and maybe I’m just a bit of a dummy for letting myself feel this way over a game, but still, the sense of immersion here was real. While the investigation itself wasn’t anything groundbreaking, it had this subtle charm that kept me hooked.

//There’s something about piecing together clues in a claustrophobic, slightly disorienting environment that made me really feel like a detective, albeit one who probably needed to sit down and drink some water.

//Genuinely, this setting makes this case the most "clue-like" case in the series for me. Someone is murdered at the party, now you simply need to find out who did it, where, and what with.

//In the grand scheme of things, the mystery in this case isn’t exactly revolutionary, as solid as it is. But the combination of the setting, the clever use of the blackout, and my own personal haze made it a uniquely enjoyable experience.

//Either way, I had a great time racking my brain, even if half of that effort was spent fighting off imaginary dizziness.

//And as I kind of said already, both in this analysis and the previous one, the sequence of events here is just generally super cool and clever.

//The use of the blackout during the party as the centerpiece of the murder setup is a stroke of brilliance that emphasizes both creativity and logical deduction, despite being very simple on paper. In a scenario where vision is compromised, spatial awareness and timing become the key elements in unraveling the mystery.

//With that being said, one major reason it falls short is that the actual murder mystery itself can feel a bit contrived. While the blackout during the party is a clever setup, the sequence of events that leads to Teruteru’s accidental killing of the Impostor feels somewhat forced.

//Teruteru’s motivations, though sympathetic, still hinge on some rather convenient coincidences, like Nagito's manipulation and the unexpected turn of events during the blackout. It's a little too convenient for the sake of shocking twists.

//But even so, that's still a very minor problem, and not one I think about too regularly. Sometimes you need to take a few leaps in logic, and DR is famous for doing so. It's only with cases like 2-3 that do it a LOT that makes it kind of questionable.

//The trial builds on this foundation by introducing innovative mechanics that align perfectly with the unique circumstances of the case. For instance, the glowing paint on the knife becomes a pivotal clue, as well as a Chekovs (I've definitely spelt that wrong) Gun that at first seems like a red herring and not part of the case, only to be an integral part of the real scheme later.

//Similarly, the use of sound adds another layer of depth. Unlike 1-1 where you literally have to use your eyes and the culprit is just spelled out for you, here, they do basically the exact reverse.

//What makes this even more effective is how seamlessly these mechanics double as a tutorial, as I've kind of already gone over, but I want to elaborate on. The game gently introduces players to its more complex investigative tools without making the process feel like a chore.

//You’re not just learning how to use Truth Bullets or analyze contradictions, you’re actively piecing together a mystery that feels compelling and genuinely challenging. By tying these mechanics to a clever and memorable setup like the blackout, this case manages to be both instructive and immersive, making the trial a standout moment that’s as fun to play as it is to solve.

//And then there's how it all critically ends with "ON-THE-MEAT-BONE!" And speaking of which...

//One big issue that I see a lot of people take with this trial is who ends up being the killer, and...yeah, I understand why.

//But in case I haven't made it clear so far with this blog, I actually don't dislike Teruteru at all!

//Again, just as Imposter is my second favourite victim for an opening case, Teruteru is...well...he's technically my FAVOURITE first-case killer, but assuming we count the killer of Danganronpa V3's first case as Kaede, then he's my second favourite.

//Teruteru is, understandably, one of the more polarizing characters in Danganronpa as a whole. His behavior often crosses the line into outright predatory territory, making him difficult to defend.

//But, if we’re being honest, he’s also a more entertaining and complex character than certain other franchise favorites like Yasuhiro or Hifumi . While those two often devolve into comic relief without much depth, Teruteru has layers to his personality that make him more interesting to watch, his involvement in this case be damned.

///...Even if those layers come with a side of sleaze.

//I genuinely think that every killer in Danganronpa 2 has a certain degree of sympathy and likeability to them regardless of their motivations, and that includes both Mikan and Teruteru.

//What sets Teruteru apart is that, despite having traits like being short and uncomfortably perverted, he’s nothing like your stereotypical perverted, touchy anime character.

//My Hero Academia’s Minoru Mineta, for example. That character gets a lot of flak for being a one-note pervert (and, let’s face it, deservedly so), but Teruteru has an actual backstory, genuine character motivations, and even some moments of surprising emotional depth.

//His perversion, while still off-putting, isn’t his sole defining trait. Instead, his actions and decisions stem from a mix of personality quirks, life circumstances, and emotional vulnerability.

//When you dig deeper into his motive for murder, you find a blend of noble intentions and tragic desperation that make him far more nuanced than he initially appears.

//Teruteru’s reasons for killing are multifaceted. He learns that Nagito is plotting a murder of his own and, in an effort to protect the rest of the group, he tries to stop him, albeit in the most reckless way possible. The murder plan was supposed to ensnare Nagito, but things go horribly wrong when the Ultimate Impostor ends up as the unintended victim.

//Beyond that, Teruteru’s desire to escape the island and return home is driven by a surprisingly selfless motive: his sickly mother. After realizing his school memories were erased, Teruteru becomes desperate to leave, fearing for her well-being while she struggles to run their family diner alone.

//His guilt over accidentally killing the Impostor feels genuine. He doesn’t wish he could undo his actions entirely, as his intentions were arguably good, but he deeply regrets the unintended consequences.

//And it's even more gut-wrenching upon reflection when you realize that not only is Teruteru's mother most likely dead, but that as a Remnant of Despair, Teruteru likely killed and ate her himself.

//I would argue that Ayame did the half-heroic, half-realistic goals for murder thing better, but hey, I can't stay mad at Teruteru for this, despite himself. His motives were noble, regardless of whether they were selfish or selfless.

//It’s easy to argue that Nagito manipulated him into this situation, making Teruteru’s downfall all the more tragic. Beneath the inappropriate jokes and questionable behavior lies a character who’s more human than he initially lets on...and that complexity makes him a fascinating, if controversial, addition to the cast.

//But of course, let's not beat around the bush.

//The characters are what makes these cases as great as they are, but even so, it's not the involvements of the Ultimate Imposter, or Teruteru's motivations that make this narrative as engaging as it is. No...We all know who the REAL highlight of this goddamn trial is...

//Nagito...fucking...Komaeda...!

//Arguably the best antagonist in the entire series, and this case perfectly solidifies why right from the get-go.

//Nagito initially seems to fit neatly into the archetype established by characters like Sayaka in Game 1. He’s the friendly companion who walks the protagonist through introductions to the rest of the group, acting as kind of the first true friend you make on the island, and the one that you feel like you can rely on, and he treats you with the same respect.

//It's incredibly interesting to think about how vastly Nagito and Hajime's relationship changes throughout Danganronpa 2, when what starts out as mutual respect eventually turns into shared animosity. But that comes much later.

//As of this moment, much like Kyoko in Danganronpa 1, Nagito keeps his true nature hidden until the first trial, when the cracks in his façade begin to show.

//And wow, do they show.

//We all know this by now as DR fans, but instead of being the slightly awkward but otherwise kind-hearted nice guy he appears to be, it turns out Nagito is completely, utterly, spectacularly UN-FUCKING-HINGED!

//Once the trial begins, Nagito transforms into a ENGINE of pure CHAOS, derailing conversations left and right and dropping bombshells like he’s hosting a fireworks show.

//The kicker? He's not even the killer!

//Nagito actually manipulated Teruteru into committing the first murder by instilling a degree of fear in him about what would happen. He openly reveals his plan to Teruteru, chancing that Teruteru's pre-established paranoia will trigger his hidden desire to murder and escape.

//Which is effectively the same tactic that we're used to seeing JUNKO use to light the fuses.

//But it's still somehow not as simple as that. Because in his warped worldview, starting the killing game was a necessary step toward creating a brighter Hope.

//And in his twisted logic, sacrificing both Teruteru and the Ultimate Impostor was just a means to that end. On top of that, he confessed to the crime, fully admitting his role, even though he wasn’t technically the killer.

//Which means the literal FIRST HALF of this trial is chasing after Nagito's actions that gets you no closer to the actual killer, and it's only in the second half that Teruteru's involvement becomes much clearer.

//I will say that this is kind of one of the reasons why I don't like this case as much as others, though it's an incredibly minor complaint for what it is.

//While Nagito’s chaotic presence adds an interesting layer to the trial, it does sometimes overshadow the actual clues. Rather than focusing on the specifics of the crime, the trial often feels like it’s more about Nagito’s antics than the methodical unraveling of the murder, and that kind of takes away from the actions of the Imposter and Teruteru.

//His erratic behavior, while entertaining, makes it harder to stay grounded in the actual mystery, and as a result, the case feeling more like a dramatic spectacle than a carefully crafted whodunit, due to how little focus there is on the actual specifics of the murder.

//With all of that being said, what the case actually does do with that wasted time, cementing Nagito's role in the story going forward, REALLY leaves you with some intense feelings. And again, if it had REALLY wasted Teruteru and Imposter's characters, then I wouldn't have nearly as much to say about them as I have done.

//Nagito is one of the most fascinating and complex characters in the entire series, and there's no one who can argue that. His dramatic shift from friendly companion to mastermind of mayhem is executed flawlessly, making his first trial a rollercoaster of emotions.

//Love him or hate him, you can’t deny that he makes a hell of an impression, and his antics in this case set the stage for his chaotic brilliance throughout the rest of the game. Whether you’re laughing at his absurdity, recoiling from his insanity, or begrudgingly respecting his intellect, Nagito manages to steal the show

//In summary, what makes this case such a compelling opening is how it immediately subverts the expectations that the first game established, and shows that this game is just a whole new beast.

//When you boot up Danganronpa 2, you most likely expect the sequel to follow the tried-and-true formula of the first game. You know the drill: a few quirky introductions, a grisly murder, and a trial where the guilty party is unmasked with relatively straightforward reasoning. But Case 1 here throws a Monokuma-shaped wrench into that structure right from the start.

//The shock of Byakuya’s death, the one character returning from the first game and someone who seems too important to die so soon, is a massive curveball. Nagito's unhinged behavior makes the courtroom feel more like a theater of absurdity than a place of justice. And yet, amid all this madness, Teruteru’s surprisingly heartfelt motives shine through.

//It’s a case that toys with your emotions, your expectations, and maybe even your sanity, which is why it stands out as such a brilliant opening act for this wild sequel.

[nerdieforpedro]

Let me tease you Angel

Chapter Three of Come away with me Angel

My entire masterlist and blog are for readers 18+ MDNI. I do not consent to my work being used in AI, recommended on TikTok, borrowed or plagiarized.

Word Count: 2525

Summary: Moving in goes smoothly - sort of. Benny and Diana are pushing each other’s buttons until a joke becomes a promise that they’re both looking forward to keeping.

Warnings: Awkward conversations, Benny being a menace several times (not sorry), mild violence, one instance of sexual harassment, alcohol mention, the innuendo is strong, Diana is a menace too, mild sexual content, one hair pull, tossing a body (sounds worse than it is), Benny being possessive?

Notes: I finally had some inspo for Benny! 🤗 Now I’ll need some for chapter four 👀 You’ll need to help me out on this one.

Main Masterlist/ Benny Miller Masterlist/ AO3 Link

Moving Diana into Benny’s home didn’t take long at all, a couple hours. They ate pizza and laughed about the number of stuffed animals she had. The evening brought a complication that Diana didn’t plan on. She had been vaguely aware that Benny had three bedrooms, one of them had been turned into an office. Benny balked at her assertion that she couldn’t picture him sitting down long enough to be in an office. He put her bags with her clothes in the bedroom next to his. Diana insisted she could sleep in the office and that would be better. Benny scoffed and told her she was being ridiculous while he set the very box she was concerned about on her new bed in the guest room.

“What did you want for dinner? Pizza, wings or burgers?” He asks as Diana’s eyes dart from him to her last box.

“Pizza, coke, and garlic cheese sticks please.” She answers and sits down on the bed in front of the box. Maybe if she blocks it from his view she’ll feel slightly better about it. Not that he can see through a cardboard box anyway. Is she paranoid? Yes and for no reason because Benny is not one to judge. He’d likely be encouraging about it.

“Alright which movie do you wanna watch?” Benny follows her lead and plops down on the bed next to her.

“Which ones do you have?” She knows, she might be trying to annoy him into leaving. But this is Benjamin Miller, she’s playing a losing game.

“Depends on what you’re in the mood for Angel.” If they were playing a game, she would have lost at that moment. He’d just given her a response. Basic one at that but he did not need to wipe his forehead with his shirt then. Sure he was sweaty, but it makes it worse. And increases her awareness of what she’d be using the box behind her for.

“Hallmark movie.” Least sexy option please. Diana needs some semblance of sanity. Like she isn’t drooling over her friend who’s giving her a place to stay.

“Huh, didn’t expect that one. I’ll have to stream that one. You cool with me logging into your Amazon account?”

“Yeah that’s fine.” Finally, he’s standing up and walking out of the room. She might be able to calm down now. “And Benny, thanks. For everything. I-It means a lot.” He smiles and walks back in the room, scooping her up in a hug. Diana places her arms on his back and lays her head on her chest. She really is grateful, but this might be one of the best things she’s done and also one of the stupidest. It’s the first day and she feels like this. Maybe she just needed to get laid somewhere to to the edge off? But it’s still not Benny, her Benny. Not that he’s really hers.

“You know I’d do anything for ya Diana.” A lock of his hair fell out of his loose bun that he tied back to keep his vision clear while moving. Benny’s lips kissed her forehead and Diana sighed. “I’ll see you out in the living room for the movie sweet girl.” Her new tall muscular roommate left her standing in front of her bed. She watched as he walked out, observing the efforts of his daily workouts bouncing with each step that he took. Her eyes landed on her box which she promptly stuck under her bed and crossed her arms.

“It will have to be when he’s working out.” Her hand touched her forehead where his lips had been. “Did he have to give me a new nickname? Lord have mercy…”

Benjamin peeked around the corner at his dear friend and watched as she stored one box she seemed especially focused on. He had an inkling what might be in there if she was that protective over it. He’d give it a little time or try to. Benny can’t pounce on the woman yet.

Benny to his credit, tried to give it a month. He made it Fourteen days before it happened.

He didn’t want to rush her, just kept up with the movie nights fixed breakfast and had Diana help with dinner. Miller believes that he showed great restraint in not plopping his Angel on the counter and eating her for dinner instead.

Even when she just wore that simple off-white dress for a casual Friday at the end of the second week. They had finished breakfast and were cleaning up; Benny would take Diana’s work bag out to her car before going on a morning run.

She thanked him as always for making breakfast and being so sweet. He appreciates her calling him sweet, but he’d rather make her late for work and sweaty. Recently, Diana was giving Benny side hugs that he wasn’t a fan of, but this morning, he pulled her into a tight one at her open driver’s side door. Leaning his back against the car, the MMA fighter pulled her toward his chest, making sure she was flush with him. “No getting away from me today sweet girl. I’m getting a proper hug and send off from you today.” Hearing her giggle, he knew she wasn’t taking him seriously. She’d have something to think about today.

“Benny you’re such a goof. I need to leave or else I’ll be late.” She released a soft whine, it was unintentional by the look on her face. He meant his smirk. Benny kissed her cheek first before leaning into her ear. His large hands trailed down her spine and pressed her soft body into his further. He felt them, the small pebbles among her plush mounds.

“Not a goof Angel, more like a tease baby.” His lips touched the exposed skin of her shoulder, then her neck, making his words wet on her skin. “Diana you have no idea how badly I want to make you late. Hell, call out sick, but I know you’d be cross with me.” He pulled his head back to stand up and kiss her forehead before letting her go. Her hand found the ends of his sun-kissed brown hair and twirled them, biting down on her lips.

“Benjamin Miller. Go ahead on your run and I’ll be front and center for your match tonight.” Diana got in the car and put on her seatbelt quickly looking up at her dear friend. He’s already leaned over her window, so his face is nearly inside. Benny enjoys running shirtless since it’s summer and warm. Diana would never tell him what to wear or to put on more clothes. On one hand she’s puzzled that he’s choosing today, the day of his match to make a move. But she’s also pleased that she didn’t have to do it. She’d not great at making the initial move, but maybe she had been temping him a bit with all the shorts, casual dresses where she didn’t normally wear them and touching him during movie night and while cooking in the kitchen. Diana had been the one to joke that Benny should see her off, she was surprised that he did and seemed happy to do so.

“Win or lose tonight, Diana, I get to tease you when we get home. That alright?” Hitting the top of her car roof twice, he took a step back and that was her signal to drive off, but she didn’t yet.

“Benny Miller you are so much damn trouble.” Diana whistled and drove off, hoping that she might be able to dry out before she gets to work. He’s gotten her worked up and imagining how he might in fact tease her after his match. The thoughts followed her around the office the entire day and prompted her to slip on a deep violet body on dress that flared out at the bottom, she wore brick red lipstick and wore matching red heels. They would be hard to stand in during the match, but she wanted to look a bit different than what Benny has seen her in before. Unfortunately, she couldn’t get a a seat up front. Diana was able to grab a place three rows back.

Frankie, Pope and Will didn’t see her, it wasn’t like her to miss a match of his. They called her and she answered but it was too loud ringside, so she texted them.

Diana: Hey, I’m here. I wasn’t able to get a seat closer. I’m a few rows back. Are there any open seats near you guys?

Frankie: Sorry no. But you’re okay though right? Some of the guys here can be rowdy when drunk.

Diana: I’ll be fine. I’m just mad I can’t see what’s going on. How is Benny doing?

Will: He’s taken some hits but getting some licks in. You sure you’re all right. One of us can come grab you.

Pope: We’ll dare some asshole to say something.

Diana: Ya’ll are sweet but I’m ok. Just keep me updated on the match.

Diana didn’t want them to worry about her she was okay for now. She was able to hear the announcements for the start and end of each round and her phone kept going off with updates. A man next to her finished his latest beer and and tapped her on the shoulder, “Doll, you got fries to go with that shake? I’ve seen you ‘round. Red trunks is winning but he’ll be no good to you tonight, but I will.” Shrugging his touch off, she shook her head and stepped back, bumping the woman next to her by mistake. The woman stared at Diana, and she apologized to her, whispering, “Are you alright? He isn’t nothing you, is he?” Diana was about to speak but the drunkard spoke first, “Ain’t none of your business. Stay out of it. I’m talkin’ to her.”

There was a loud roar from the crowd and a flourish of activity started. Diana’s phone went off with yelling emojis, balloons and yelling. Benny had won! She was sorry to have not been able to see him win. “There will be next time.” Muttering to herself, she went to move toward the ring since people were heading to the back but a sweaty hand grabbed her forearm.

“Now hold ur horses doll. We didn’t finish talking.” Diana pulls her arm down and gets out of his grip easily but stumbles, her feet partially numb from wearing the heels all night.

“Keep the hell off of me asshole.” Diana cursed and continued toward Benny and the crew. The man followed her and all the fighter saw was a man keeping after his Diana. Benny rose from leaning against the side of the ring and hit the man square in the nose, breaking it. Will and the others were barely able keep the man from hitting the concrete floor, concerned it might be another injury.

“Diana! Angel are you alright? What the fuck was that?” The younger Miller demanded to know, he had a blood lip and a bruised abdomen with cuts on his hands and despite the pain of moving so much, he pulled Diana’s soft body against his and she felt right in his arms.

“I’m fine Benny. You won right? I wasn’t able to see most of it. I was in the third row back. Congratulations!” Tipping on her toes, her lips connected with his briefly before she rocked back. The smile on her face was bright, she was proud of him. Benny always trained so hard for his matches and in between. He had results and another win, the widened eyes he had on his face did not mask the surprise of his expression.

“I see you’re the one teasing the hell out of me Di. I see why he was following you. I’m going to hold a handful of you on the way home. Be right back.” Benny kisses her cheek before making a quick trip to the locker room to get his stuff and head home. Upon his return, he noted her hand on her hips, “Now before you say anything about your car, I’ll take you to work tomorrow and get your car back home. See you later gentlemen!” Diana mutters how much trouble Benny continues to be as they leave, and the rest of guys are wondering when the shift in their relationship happened. Will suggested things may have changed since Diana’s staying with Benny. Frankie and Pope nodded and figured it would be a matter of time given that information. The guys wonder if things will be alright and they collectively decide to stay out of it.

Opening the door for her while still shirtless and tossing his gym bag in the back seat of his jeep, Benny gives Diana a hand with stepping up into the vehicle. He clicks the seat belt for her and rests his head, on her thigh, “Wore this dress for me did you Angel?” A finger pokes her ankle and runs up her calf. Cupping his large hand around it so the meat of her leg is in his palm, he squeezes, then shakes it a little.

“I did Benjamin. You’re not the only one who’s trouble. Let’s go home. Not here.” Diana kisses the dirty blonde strands on the back of his head, her own fingers at the back of his neck. Benny hums with her motions and he makes no effort to move.

“Don’t I know it Diana? You’re going to let me tease you all night? I might not drive you into work on account of you being too pleasantly sore.” Standing up straight, his face is just above her breasts, with his trademark sheepish grin, he kisses the top of each one. Her hand pulls him close before she realizes what she’s doing and then tugs back by his hair.

“I said not here Benny.”

“Need to show them why they shouldn’t touch you. Shouldn’t even think about it. Dumb bastards.” A small graze of her neck with a stern look to some of the guys from the match who were watching their display Miller turned to get in the jeep to drive them home.

Diana wasn’t one for such public displays but she would admit that Benny being territorial with her, showing people that she’s his. She’d make fun of others who found is sexy but now she understands the appeal.

The ride home found Diana parting her legs enough so Benny could reach between them and feel her soaked fabric. The whine she released nearly made him miss a stop sign. “Damn sweetheart. We’re getting to a bed maybe just the couch. I need you on your back so I can spread you and see for myself.” Benny was able to get the jeep in the driveway, hopping out and u locking the front door. Diana had only gotten her seatbelt off before Benny threw her over his shoulder and took her inside the house – he did place her gently on the couch before slamming and kicking the front door.

Peeps who would be fine with Benny tossing the on the couch 🛋️: @rhoorl @musings-of-a-rose @laurfilijames @yorksgirl @guelyury

@gwendibleywrites @megamindsecretlair @soft-persephone @soft-girl-musings @tinytinymenace

Chapter Two Chapter Four

[bobbile-blog]

Okay so my addition to the extensive list of “Tiny world building things that Arknights consistently gets really right” is not having binary, two-sided conflicts.

Like, yeah, okay. Everyone knows that having a multi-sided conflict is generally more realistic and makes for a better allegory and helps motives seem more real or whatever, sure. But that’s haaaard, and it takes forever to world-build and set up stuff that you’ll probably never use again anyway, and do we really need hyper-realism for this one character’s side plot anyway? It’s fine if we don’t have that here, right? This sort of world-building, while good, is usually not worth the effort you put into it because not all conflicts are important enough to justify that level of detail.

To pull an example from another mobile game, Honkai Impact does this in a perfectly serviceable way. While the story as a whole has a number of factions that interact with each other, there’s usually only one faction in the role of “major antagonist” and which faction it is shifts over the course of the story. You’ll sometimes get more than two groups at play, but that’s usually only used to set up the next major antagonist and they’re rarely on even footing and given equal focus. And that comes out fine! It works great for the pacing of the story and serves its purpose perfectly well.

With Arknights, however, they have consistently refused to write stories that are just a two-sided A versus B conflict. From way back in Grani and the Knight’s Treasure up to the political clusterfuck of the more recent story chapters, Hypergryph just doesn’t write stories that are black-and-white protagonist-antagonist. Off the top of my head, the closest we get to that is in stories like Lingering Echoes and Guide Ahead where a single character disrupts a protagonist-antagonist plot. The two stories share a lot in common, actually - there’s a two-sided protagonist-antagonist story that is disrupted by a protagonist-aligned figure, Czerny in the former and Fiametta in the latter, that refuses to be bound by the said simple conflict. Both stories are also complicated by B-plots that don’t have nearly as simple resolutions, which are tied closely enough into the A-plot to make it more complicated.

All of the events are like this - as I write this I’m looking back through the event records for something I’ve missed because there’s no way they’ve been that consistent with this, right? But they have, and it’s staggering how consistent they are with it. There are all sorts of factions lying around that just get picked up again on the whims of the writers (like AUS or the Browntails), and it does wonders for making the world feel more complex and more alive.

[thelonelyshore-if]

💗 GROWING HEART - if they have a crush, is it noticable? what changes when they’re in love?

So this is the longest 'it got long' yet so answer under the cut!!

Beck: they're typically quite flirty, and when they have a crush that gets turned up to eleven. They'll want to spend more time with the person, they'll be even more teasing and playful. Trying to get the person's attention the best they can. It wouldn't be super subtle. If it's love? Beck would be almost hesitant, which--they never hesitate. Ever. With anything. They'd be uncertain and shy and have no idea how to proceed...which would be pretty obvious.

Croft: it is so obvious if they have a crush. They're more awkward around the person, get tongue-tied when they're usually confident, might even get frustrated/overwhelmed more easily. If they were in love, though, they'd straight-up worship the ground the person walked on. They love deeply and have never really been in love with somebody. I think they'd do anything for the the person they're in love with.

Jay: normally they are very direct...but the exception to that is romance. When they have feelings for someone they're almost bashful. BUT they would do anything they could to keep it cool. You'd only be able to read their slight shyness if you knew them very well. They would have to be very sure about the other person's feelings before they said anything. With love it would be much the same, but they'd be more obvious about it. Lots of longing looks. It would reach the point that Jay felt like they had to tell the other person about it.

Perri: honestly? I don't think it would be that obvious. Perri is so uncertain and anxious all the time that the added stress from a crush wouldn't make it any more noticeable. They'd blush and avoid eye contact, but that's standard for them. They would be a lot more excited to talk to the person. When it's love I think they would gain more confidence than usual around them, which might be obvious. They probably would never straight-up confess though lol that's crossing the line.

Ravi: I've mentioned before, but Ravi attempts to be in complete control of his emotions at all time. If he has a crush on somebody they will never know. At least, that would be his intention. He would be just as distant and enigmatic as typical, even as his his heart was fluttering. When he's in love it would be much the same but he'd...slip. Break 'character' unintentionally. After all, love is all-consuming. It eats you up and makes you lose yourself. Which may or may not be noticeable, based on how perceptive the other person is.

Yasmin: so if she has a crush she'll be direct. It will be obvious because she will straight-up ask you if you want to sleep together lmao. That's as far as a crush will ever go with her. If she's in love it will be more...complicated. She's been in love before. She's lost that person. She never intends to be in that position again. If Yasmin fell in love you would know because she'd be strangely conflicted and avoidant, for her. She'd all of a sudden be acting out of character and it very well might give her away.

[eliotquillon]

I know your fic is from Camerons pov, but I'm really curious about Chases state of mind throughout the loop. We know he's openly worried about her, but is he more in touch with his feelings for her? If she puts distance between them, does he respect it? Does he ever go to House or Foreman? Does he go back and break into her apartment?

OH THIS IS SUCH A TRICKY QUESTION.

it’s difficult to answer because, well…chase is kind of a puppet of the loop, just like everyone else who isn’t cameron. his mindset and behaviour can only change when cameron’s do—cameron’s the only one who really has proactive power here; everyone else is mostly reactive. this is why house only decides against telling stacy about stealing her psych records on days where cameron’s behaviour leads him to suspect the loop’s existence—it’s that (suspected) new knowledge that makes him modify his behaviour, nothing else. chase will always try to seek out cameron to discuss methgate (even when she avoids him); he will always start the loop concerned about her; off-screen, his morning routine will always play out the exact same way up until the moment cameron walks in (or doesn’t walk in) and he gets to react. so surprise! this answer is really going to be a hunting analysis in a trenchcoat.

i have always been soooo struck by that final shot of chase at the end of the episode—staring into the mirror, washing his face—and the way it parallels cameron staring into the mirror and crossing off her calendar. because first of all: this immediately pulls focus to chase in an episode that has been a Very Special Episode About Allison Cameron and also very focused on house/stacy. the screentime chase gets in hunting is mostly in the context of cameron: they’re together when they meet the patient for the first time, chase tries to comfort cameron on several occasions after the HIV exposure, they search kalvin’s hotel room together, they sleep together, they talk about it afterwards. and this is honestly not an uncommon episode setup—one of the team pulls focus and another team member becomes their ‘deputy’ in their scenes (this happens a lot with kutner and taub). chase getting a look-in in that final montage is therefore kind of weird! but it suggests that there’s more going on in chase about what happened with cameron than he’s willing to let on in the rest of the episode. he talks a good game about how the sex was good and how they probably shouldn’t do it again because it’ll get complicated, but this final shot suggests that there’s maybe a bit more to it than that already. so i guess because MY personal interpretation of this scene is that chase is more in touch with his feelings for cameron at this point than he’s willing to let on, this is also how his mindset is in the fic.

this also ties in with the mistake, and how, as @all-pacas has pointed out, chase very likely sleeps with cameron either immediately before or immediately after his final examination with the dead patient’s brother that leads to him being sued. in time loop fic it’s set so that chase has that conversation after sleeping with cameron (actually, i’m specifically setting it the day after loop day) so that doesn’t have as much of a bearing on chase in this fic as it might if he’d had that conversation before sleeping with cameron, but it’s still weighing on him. so in time loop fic chase is worried about cameron, yes, and also going ‘oh shit i think i have feelings for her’ (because let’s be real, chase has been on/off nursing a light crush on cameron since chekhov’s gun in s1), but he’s also got the Conversation on the horizon. will he talk to cameron about this, i hear you wonder…i plead the fifth. the point is that chase always has a lot swirling around in his brain even before cameron starts messing with the events of the loop and goes around changing things.

anyway where was i. cameron backing off and trying to put space between her and chase will never work—there’s a bit of this in ch2 already, with him paging her and them having a big argument about it. cameron ghosting people is a sign that she’s freaking out about something, and chase is, naturally, always going to assume that she’s freaking out about the fact that they slept together—that’s something he’s involved in, something that’s in his own best interest to try and ‘fix’, so he’s uniquely motivated to try and step in. again, this is still reactive behaviour; if cameron were to go along with the day’s events just as they played out in the episode and have a clear-the-air conversation with him, chase would, ironically, be more inclined to give her space than if she flat out avoided him. by the time cameron figures this out, she’s less inclined towards avoiding him anyway, so there won’t really be an example of him backing off in-fic (because where’s the fun in that!).

he goes to foreman quite frequently. well, more specifically—foreman goes to him. one thing i will always respect about foreman is that despite talking a big game about how he doesn’t want to be involved in work drama, he nevertheless lives for meddling in workplace gossip (even if it’s for the sake of ‘protecting his peace’ lmao). without the whole ‘do you always wear a condom?’ conversation to bring up the topic organically (and without cameron accidentally telling him because she thinks he already knows, lmao), foreman will almost always go to chase off-screen and point out that a) something’s up with cameron, and b) chase seemed worried about cameron as soon as she walked in, meaning c) chase knows what’s up with cameron and is probably involved. how cooperative chase is with this line of conversation depends on how erratic cameron’s behaviour appears to them: in some loops, where cameron seems mostly normal, chase will brush foreman off entirely. in other loops (particularly the earlier ones), where cameron appears to be acting completely insane, chase will confess to seeing her the night before and will allude to the meth, but won’t admit that he slept with her. chase and foreman aren’t friends, but it is in their collective interest that cameron’s alright—she’s their colleague, she’s usually the bridge between them, and they do both care about her. sleeping with cameron isn’t foreman’s business, in chase’s opinion (and tbh, also in foreman’s), but the meth sort of is. that said, cameron hates chase and foreman talking about her behind her back and both of them know this, so cameron rarely finds out about any of these conversations.

house is, as always, a bit messier. one of the ‘canon events’ of this loop is that house will always put two and two together about chase and cameron, although not always at the same point in the day (again, no condom conversation to pull the strings together). a lot of the time house figures this out early enough that chase doesn’t want to deal with the inevitable teasing that comes from saying he’s worried about cameron afterwards, and the times that he doesn’t…well, he puts it together as soon as chase expresses concern lol. but house’s reaction to chase coming to him is usually to do exactly what cameron is concerned he’ll do in ch1 and 2: pathologise her. after all, cameron consistently ‘solves’ kalvin’s case early enough that there’s the rest of the day to play with, and that in itself is something house finds interesting—as much as i love cameron, she rarely outright ‘solves’ cases in canon like house or chase do, and yet suddenly she’s coming into work with a confident diagnosis of something completely different to the previous options they’d all come up with (including her own—sarcoidosis). cameron is furious the first time she realises this has happened, and from then on will take steps to prevent chase from going to house (usually by just talking to chase directly). this doesn’t always stop the pathologising (again, house occasionally gets an inkling about the loop on his own as a result of cameron’s actions—butterfly effects often occur), but it does put a stop to chase talking to house about her.

chase never breaks into cameron’s apartment in the loops. not even when house tells him to lmao (and this will happen off-screen a handful of times, including in ch3–cameron doesn’t know, and therefore it won’t be obvious to any readers, but i am Word of God telling you that in loop 3 house tries to get foreman and chase to break into her apartment lol). he has no reason to—from his perspective, he was just there the night before. he already knows about the meth. he was the one who slept with her. he can’t see what else he could learn from it. he also feels very conflicted about sleeping with cameron in the first place—‘don’t turn into a good guy on me now’ got to him, she was high and he was sober, he has feelings for her and he’s pretty sure she doesn’t feel the same way—and would only feel worse about it if he violated her privacy by breaking into her apartment. a lot is rattling around his pretty blond head. there’s also the fact that chase breaking into cameron’s apartment would seriously put a spanner in the works of cameron slowly un-repressing her feelings for him—she would be so, so mad, and while chase wouldn’t remember doing it, she would. it would take a really long time for her to get over it, even with the knowledge that it’s just a ‘loop thing’, and there are only 29 loops, remember. so logistically it wouldn’t work anyway. but also chase just wouldn’t.

[lurkingshan]

10 Things I Love About Go Ahead

This is all @ginnymoonbeam’s fault. I was just minding my business, clowning around, and she whispers in my ear: There’s this great cdrama I got into. It’s about a found family formed from broken families. There are adorable motherless children. There are loving dads. They’re going deep on intergenerational trauma and they’re doing it right. I can’t stop watching it. I have a problem and it’s time for it to be your problem, too. (I’m pretty sure she said all that).

And because this kind of epic family drama is my emotional kryptonite, I absolutely could not resist. And thus, I spent the last two weeks weeping and wailing and rending my garments over one of the best family dramas I have ever seen. In my entire life. And I have watched a lot of them, folks, not even counting the western ones!

So I’m here to pay tribute to this absolutely beautiful show, and hopefully drag a few more folks into the absolute agony and ecstasy of this watch experience. Tagging @waitmyturtles and @neuroticbookworm in particular, who I’ve already bullied into watching this once their current drama projects end, @midnight-sun16 my fellow cdrama enjoyer, @troubled-mind my R88 bud, and @wen-kexing-apologist and @emotionallychargedtowel because I know they love a good intergenerational trauma yarn. So here we go: 10 (spoiler free!) things I love about Go Ahead.

These precious babies

Left to right, that’s He Ziqiu, Li Jianjian, and Ling Xiao. They met as tiny children and are siblings by choice, not blood. They are fiercely protective of one another and their chosen family unit. And they love each other so much it absolutely will cause you to burst into tears at random intervals.

My two dads

There are two biological fathers in the mix in our little family: Li Haichao and Ling Heping, aka Li Dad and Ling Dad. They’re not a couple, but rather two single dads who have decided to raise their kids together as one family unit. They love all their children equally regardless of blood ties, and while they show up for them in very different ways, they are both excellent fathers who never let them down when it counts.

A keen understanding of intergenerational family dynamics and how we pass our trauma on

This show is deeply interested in exploring the old maxim that hurt people hurt people, particularly in the context of intergenerational families and parent-child relationships. I don't want to say a lot more because you should get to see the various plotlines that dig into this theme unfold organically. But you can trust me that this show takes it seriously and knows exactly what it's doing with these stories.

The absolute respect for chosen family

I lost count of how many times this show explicitly affirmed the legitimacy of chosen families. The first (of many) times I burst into tears watching was in just such a scene. Our characters are often met with skepticism and confusion over their family unit, and they are not having it. It's really lovely how committed they are to loving and choosing each other despite societal norms and outside judgment.

Excellent side characters treated with dignity

This gif here is of my best girl Mingyue, who is one of many excellent side characters in this drama. In this show, everyone matters and everyone has a story, and the show treats even the antagonist characters with dignity and empathy. Often the sides get their own plots that are in fact quite important to the themes - no wasted time here (which is really saying something for a 40 ep cdrama).

Female friendship for the win!

Adult Jianjian lives with her longtime best friends Qi Mingyue and Tang Can, and the show delves into their friendship dynamics and the complicated twists and turns that spring up as they get older, begin careers, and start crushing on the same boys. I love the way they look out for one another, I love the way they fight, I love the way they give each other shit, I love the way they support each other. They feel very real as longtime besties who have become family.

Nuanced exploration of difficult mothers

I'm gonna let you find out who this is on your own, but I'll say this: the show has three distinct plot lines that explore mother-child relationships, and every single one is a banger. These mothers are difficult, their choices are suspect, their motives are complex, their behavior is frustrating as hell. Where you come down on how redeemable each of them is will really be up to you, but the show gives you plenty to chew on and invites you to look upon them if not with understanding, at least with as much empathy as you can muster. I'm gonna be thinking about these moms for weeks.

Sibling dynamics done right

The way these three interact, I tell you. They've grown up together, and so they have the bond of lifetime familiarity, but they also have no actual blood ties, so they must choose over and over again to be each others' family. And they always do, even when life makes it really hard for them to protect their closeness. Watching them find their way to each other and sink into their comfortable family dynamics is always a delight. There are also some key differences in the relationship dynamics between each pair of them, which the show explores extensively. Which brings me to...

A sweet and cozy romance

This is not a spoiler - the show tells you it's coming in the opening credits. And so instead of playing a Reply 1988 style game of who's it gonna be you know from the start who it's gonna be and the fun part is taking the journey to get there (though you can amuse yourself trying to figure out which of the child actors is going to grow into this tall drink of water). Let me be clear, though - this show is not a romance. The romance plot line is very well done, but it is mostly there as another means to explore the family dynamics and how they are affected by this major change in one of the core relationships.

Emotionally intelligent writing that never falters

If you've been following me for any length of time, you know how much I care about quality writing in my dramas. And this drama has some of the best writing I've seen in a family show, particularly in the emotional intelligence behind all the character interactions. The show will surprise you sometimes, but never because the characters act in ways you don't expect or that feel wrong. The writing is assured and the show never loses its grip on who each of these characters is at their core. You can sit back, trust that you are in good hands, and enjoy the emotional roller coaster all the way to the end.

[realmbred]

joe  manganiello,  bisexual,  cis  male  +  he/him  →  isn’t  that  klogrog?  i’ve  seen  them  wearing  the  crest  of  chasque.  i  hear  they’re  38,  but  they’re  also  a  half-giant.  they’ve  risen  up  the  ranks  to  become  an  assassin  for  hire.  they  seem  to  be  independent  &  generous,  but  also  tactless  &  violent.  if  you  look  closely,  you’ll  see  their  aesthetics  include  exits  or  entrances  made  by  punching  the  wall,  a  series  of  grunts  instead  of  using  words,  blood  pumping  after  beating  someone  in  a  fight. 

main  page  is  here,  but  it's  also  below  the  cut  for  a  mobile  friendly  version  !

name:  klogrog.  age,  date  of  birth:  38,  may  3rd  261  AD.  gender  &  pronouns:  cis  male  &  he  /  him.  social  class:  lower  middle  class.  allegiance:  aside  from  his  connection  to  his  kingdom,  he  doesn’t  really  bother  himself  with  affairs.  civil  status:  single.  occupation:  assassin  for  hire.  kingdom  &  house  sigil:  chasque  &  no  official  house  sigil  since  he  isn’t  from  a  prominent  family.  faceclaim:  joe  manganiello.  religion:  born  into  the  blind  man,  but  has  been  questioning  his  ties  and  leaning  towards  the  lone  wolf.  family:  all  his  family  is  deceased,  at  least  that’s  what  he  says.  he  does  have  some  brothers  though.  sexual  position:  top.    

physique:  7’5  ft  /  228.6  cm.  black  hair  and  brown  eyes.  the  biggest  thing  about  him  that  makes  him  stick  out  like  a  sore  thumb  is  obviously  his  height.  the  next  thing  is  his  impressive  muscles,  a  toned  body  that’s  chiseled  by  the  gods.  although  if  you  look  closely  enough,  you  can  see  that  he  has  a  couple  of  scars  throughout  his  body,  mostly  on  his  arms  and  chest.  that’s  what  he  gets  for  choosing  to  fight  without  armor.

psychology:  there’s  not  a  lot  that’s  going  on  up  there,  which  also  means  that  there’s  not  a  lot  he’s  holding  up  to  or  letting  fester.  klogrog  is  a  simple  man  with  no  worries.  all  he  cares  about  is  fighting,  eating,  and  sex.  maybe  in  that  order,  maybe  not.  this  does  mean  that  he  can  be  quite  impulsive  and  stubborn  though.  if  he  feels  left  behind  because  of  complicated  topics,  he  just  grunts  and  walks  away.  good  luck  getting  through  a  thick  skull.

abilities:  superhuman  strength,  endurance,  &  durability. 

biography:  being  born  in  the  literal  caves  of  the  kingdom,  underground,  was  quite  fitting  for  the  half-giant.  masked  in  darkness  and  spending  his  first  couple  of  years  in  that  state,  he  learned  to  navigate  the  world  without  having  to  rely  on  his  eyesight.  which  was  a  good  thing,  since  it  wasn’t  the  best  in  the  seven  kingdoms.  with  time,  he  picked  up  a  couple  of  tips  &  tricks  and  struck  out  on  his  own.

even  due  to  his  giant  lineage,  it  wasn’t  determined  if  he  was  going  to  be  aggressive  or  not.  all  of  the  speculation  went  out  the  window  when  he  turned  10.  he  got  into  his  first  fight  and  if  you  asked  him  about  it  directly,  everything  was  a  blur.  he  blacked  out  and  only  knew  that  he  won.  at  least  that  was  something  that  he  was  good  at.  physically  using  his  strength.

when  he  was  20,  he  realized  that  his  brute  force  was  the  best  thing  that  he  had  going  for  him.  he  wasn’t  the  smartest  in  the  toolshed,  so  he  had  to  look  for  other  methods  of  survival.  with  his  parents  now  dead,  either  hunted  down  or  just  too  old,  he  had  to  strike  out  on  his  own.  soon  enough,  that  was  when  he  found  out  that  people  would  literally  pay  to  have  others  killed.

since  he  was  great  at  exerting  his  physical  strength,  he  went  into  business  for  himself.  he  didn’t  always  need  to  kill  to  make  ends  meet.  sometimes  it  just  required  a  nice  fight  in  an  arena  and  winning  first  prize.  some  even  banned  half-giants  from  competing  unless  there  was  going  to  be  a  whole  group  of  them.  no  one  liked  knowing  the  obvious  winner.

now,  he  tries  his  best  to  remain  hidden,  but  it’s  not  that  easy.  that’s  why  klogrog  still  prefers  the  underground  or  places  that  are  extremely  dark.  he  won’t  stick  out  like  a  sore  thumb.  he’s  made  quite  the  name  for  himself.  both  in  local  arena’s  (think  your  modern-day  underground  fighter)  and  as  an  assassin.  he  also  doesn’t  ask  questions  when  he’s  given  a  bounty.  he  doesn’t  care  enough  to.

[redstringraven]

an excruciatingly long ramble about the ‘03 turtles and the enneagram 🐢🧡 pt5 (end)

[ intro + disclaimers post ] [ pt 2 - raph ] [ pt 3 - leo ] [ pt 4 - don ]

mikey, 7 with a 6 wing

intro

we've reached the final entry, lads, but we've still got a lot to talk about. there's also, of course, the chance i might have future things to observe and build on and, if i do, they will be posted and linked as addendums. for now, however? let's blow this popsicle stand.

you might remember way back in the intro post that i said i was excited to talk about mikey because he’s a complicated combination of a lot of moving parts and almost stupidly self-aware. i had a reason i wanted to start this project off with raph and, similarly, i have a reason i wanted to end it with mikey. there’s a chance that some of you might have noticed or caught on, and i’ll give you a moment to think about it.

done? okay cool.

mikey’s 7 is linked to each of his brothers. all three of them have a 7 somewhere in their enneagram web:

raph has a 7 wing. leo’s security number is 7. don’s stress number is 7.

mikey and raph share a lot in common, which is why they both get along so well and also butt heads frequently. i think a detail that may contribute to the latter is that their 7 link is in a wing on raph's end. mikey can see and understand where the 7-wing is influencing and coloring raph's core number, but he himself doesn't share an 8 as a wing. so, when it comes to getting what makes raph tick as an 8, mikey may fall a little short. but if mikey allows himself to chill out enough to access his 5, he might even be able to help raph understand his own temper and process his thoughts objectively.

as for the other two, mikey knows how to coax out leo’s playful side and get him to be kinder with himself and relax, shut his inner critic the hell up. mikey can empathize with don when he’s struggling in silence, bring him out of isolation and back to the present. stress and security numbers are stronger ties than a wing (they will always be attached to that core type, whereas the wing may differ), so mikey can see his strengths reflected in leo when leo's healthy and empathize with don's weaknesses when he's going through a dark spot. mikey would also have a taste of what it's like to live with an inner critic (leo's 1), and be capable of stepping back, slowing down, and being more open to clarity, innovation and insight (don's 5).

bare basics of the 7

7s are one of three assertive types (the others being 3s and 8s), and they’re members of the head triad (made of 5s, 6s, and 7s).

to reiterate: members of the head triad are concerned with anxiety; they carry a great deal of fear and are driven by it. they feel they experience a lack of support and guidance, and because of this they often engage in behaviors they believe will enhance their safety and security. they take in and relate to the world through the mind, and they tend to think and plan carefully before they act.

i’ll also mention again what i said about assertive types in raph’s post: assertives can be described as moving 'against people’. they respond to stress or difficulty by building up, reinforcing, or inflating their ego; they will expand rather than back down or seek protection. assertive types will often have issues processing their feelings.

unlike the previous posts, i think we need to pause here in the basics section for a second. because this is where mikey is different than his brothers.

if you look back to mikey's brothers, each of them have their core number in one triad but their wing in another: raph is in the gut triad, but has a head wing; leo is in the gut triad but has a heart wing; don is in the head triad, but has a heart wing. mikey, however, is fully in the head triad. but wait!: there’s more.

his brother’s core numbers and wings are all the same ‘type’: raph being an 8w7 means he’s fully an assertive type; don being a 5w4 makes him fully a withdrawn type; leo being a 1w2 makes him fully a compliant type. mikey, however, is a 7w6, which makes his core type assertive, but his wing compliant. so while his core number might cause him to inflate his ego, expand rather than back down, his wing’s influence could soften that or even nullify it. remember that compliant types like to be in service of the people around them and move toward others, and they have internalized principles and other dictates they've learned from childhood.

something else i’ve noticed while working on this project is that every triad has one type that seems like they don’t belong in their triad by surface-level observation. 9s are in the anger and gut triad, yet they’re peacemakers, think before they act, and are 'fine' with discomfort so long as everyone around them is happy. 3s don’t appear to be engaged with their feelings despite being in the heart and feeling triad, and they often struggle to connect with those emotions as well as their own identity. 7s are in the thinking and head triad, seeming to be carefree, joyful, and spontaneous in a triad so concerned with fear and anxiety. but where 5s externalize that fear and 6s internalize it... 7s forget it. or, they sure do try to.

a 7’s basic fear is being deprived or trapped in pain

their basic desire is to be happy, satisfied, and to find fulfillment

they believe they’ll be okay so long as they get what they need

childhood take-aways

y’all know the drill. let’s visit that quote from master splinter one final time.

“your path in life will not be an easy one. the outside world will not be a friendly place for you. you four are different in ways the surface dwellers would never understand. to survive, you must master these skills i teach you: the powers of stealth and secrecy. you must become kage, shadow warriors, and you must never be discovered by the outside world.”

it’s not uncommon for a 7’s childhood to be colored by an unconscious feeling of disconnection from their protective and/or nurturing figures, and in response to this 7s choose to nurture themselves. there’s a wide variety of reasons for this perception: another sibling came along and required attention, or there was illness in the family, or the family is living paycheck to paycheck and the protective figures are stressed. but, one way or another, the young 7 unconsciously decides they’re not going to sit around feeling sorry for themselves; if no one will take care of them, they’ll take care of them. this is NOT to say that 7s weren’t close to their protective/nurturing figures, just that on some emotional level they unconsciously decided they had to take care of their own needs.

young 7s will quickly seek out what psychologists call ‘transitional objects’: toys, games, and sometimes playmates. so long as they can find and move toward interesting ideas, experiences, and people, they can repress their underlying feelings of frustration, fear and hurt. where 5s reduce their need to depend on anyone and 6s try to anticipate every possible disaster, 7s create a pain-free world in their mind where they can hang out and think happy thoughts.

like i said back in leo’s post their lives had to’ve been some level of chaos since the word go. master splinter had a LOT to manage and balance and pay attention to, whether it was his own grief/newfound intelligence and change, finding them all a safe environment, or the four boys themselves. we have young leo earnestly doing his best to meet and surpass expectations--going to splinter for advice and approval and more lessons. we have young raph questioning splinter’s authority and glimpses of his temper starting to surface more often. and we have young don choosing to tinker instead of play with his brothers or fully engage in training, and maybe needing a bit more attention during said training because this isn’t the area he’s chosen for his expertise. that’s a lot of attention spread real, real thin. this poor rat is doing his best, man.

while i wouldn’t say this strained or damaged mikey’s relationship with splinter, it wouldn’t surprise me if mikey unconsciously realized he’d need to find the nurturing he wanted elsewhere. much like leo’s 1 would have recognized his protective figure’s responsibilities and expectations, and received them in earnest, mikey’s 7 pulled him toward distractions to better tolerate his own anxiety: toys, trinkets, music, games, comic books, artistic expression. in mikey’s story during tales of leo (s1ep19) we see him wander-dancing around the lair with his headphones on, (allegedly) looking for his gameguy. he pauses to talk to leo, but leo is concentrating and won't engage with him. this leads to mikey deciding to break young leo’s concentration because he, quote: “hates to be ignored”.

mikey as a 7

7s are sometimes nicknamed: ‘the enthusiast’, ‘the generalist’, ‘the multi-tasker’, ‘the wunderkind’, ‘the dilettante’, ‘the connoisseur’, or ‘the energizer’.

7s are masters when it comes to the art of reframing; they can take a bad situation and turn it into a positive light in a blink. it’s a defense mechanism that’s instantaneous, unconscious, and impressive. in his official profile, mikey states that “the other guys seem so down sometimes, they need me around just to lighten things up! life’s a beach!”. heck, there’s a ton of this, here. that happiness is a way of life, life is what you make it, and that "knowing how to take care of yourself in times of trouble is neat... it's like being in a movie”.

if you continue to doubt mikey's place in the thinking/head triad, then you've yet to watch a 7 start to rationalize. should you call them out for acting selfishly or attempt to caution them on making a dumb decision, they’ll defend to the death the reasonableness of their position or provide a million good reasons for doing whatever it is they want to do.

a small example can be found in trouble with triceratons (s2ep2) while the turtles are trying to retrieve honeycutt from the triceratons, resulting in don piloting an alien vehicle while mikey rides sidecar. mikey begins pressing all the buttons--just all of them--and don says “leave the shiny buttons alone, mikey!”. to which mikey responds “but it might be something really good!” (and then he is promptly jettisoned from the car. rest in pieces, king).

a better example could be found in a wing and a prayer (s4ep7). while don, leo and raph are training, mikey's standing by reading a newspaper. leo breaks away from the others to cut through the newspaper in order to get mikey's attention, and he tells mikey. they’re supposed to be training. mikey's quick to say that he is training! he’s doing mental exercises… reading! leo presses “didn’t you learn anything from your battle nexus rematch?”. and mikey has an answer for this, too, in the form of a quote from master splinter about worry, fear and anger... and pin that up on the board--pin it--because we're gonna circle back to that.

much like 8s, 7s don’t like being told what to do. but where an 8 might outright pick a fight with an authority figure, opponent, or leader, a 7 will attempt to manipulate them with charm and charisma. while it wasn't OUR mikey who sweet-talked his way out of sliver's containment in reality check (s3ep19), it was still a version of mikey who pulled it off, and it was our mikey's plan.

7s are crafty lil stinkers. much in the same way they can quickly think to rationalize their wants and behaviors, they will be quick to notice and remember how those around them respond to things, what buttons to press they might need to press to garner the results they want. a prime example of this is his match against raph in the battle nexus.

raph goes into this match confident and eager. he thinks that he’s going to give mikey a life time's worth of get-backs, but… never considers that no one in this tournament knows how to work him like mikey does. ... ... *leans in and lifts microphone closer to my mouth* and we're gonna circle back to that, too.

7s are (for better or worse for those around them) exceptionally bright and quick learners. their minds move fast from one idea to the next, making them fantastic brainstormers and great at synthesizing information; they tend to have excellent mind-body coordination and dexterity. all this can cause them to develop an inflated sense of their own 'giftedness' and cause them to come off as or actually be: arrogant.

i think it’s safe to say that mikey is the most ‘’’naturally gifted’’’ out of the four when it comes to ninjitsu. master splinter draws attention to this in touch and go (s3ep8) when he says mikey has an affinity for the martial arts. but one of the best ‘show-don’t-tell’ examples, in my opinion, can be found in what a croc (s2ep12) where mikey’s the one who holds his ground the longest against stockman’s turtle-bot. and afterward, when they swap weapons, he’s the only one of the four who uses an improvised weapon (two pipes).

it cannot be stated enough times that 7s don’t want to experience unpleasant emotions. sure, no one enjoys feeling frightened, bored, disappointed, sad, frustrated or angry, but emotions like this are downright intolerable for 7s. they want to avoid pain, and they believe they can think their way out of it. things like worry or stress are easier for them to deal with because they can mentally work with them and rationalize a way out, but things like sadness, grief or disappointment are harder. those emotions actually have to be felt to be dealt with. whenever 7s sense they’re getting too close to a painful topic, they might crack a joke or tell a funny story--they're the types who will sneak a wince-worthy pun into a eulogy--anything goofy or distracting to redirect the topic and skirt around those negative emotions. this avoidance can cause them to appear callous or lacking in empathy. mikey? cracking jokes when he “shouldn’t”? maybe coming off as insensitive to the situation around him? more likely than you think.

7s with a 6 wing are sometimes nicknamed ‘the entertainer’. they’re fast-talking, witty, and they're excited by new ideas and highly engaging people with a lot of energy and high spirits. they’re productive, but they can easily lose focus and become scattered. these 7s are sensitive and a bit more anxious than 7w8s, but they’re experts in using charm to disarm. they’re dutiful and loyal to their family and friends, and they’re often funny, entertaining, and highly accepting of others. in healthier states, they’re curious and creative with an excellent sense of humor and a more positive outlook on life than a 7w8. they’re quick-thinking, have cooperative spirits, and organizational abilities that enable them to accomplish a great deal with little effort.

stress & security numbers

mikey’s stress number is a 1, so in times of high stress and downed spirits he’ll begin exhibiting the negative traits associated to 1s. stressed 7s become pessimistic, argumentative, and judgmental. more and more, they’ll begin blaming others around them for their problems, and their thinking will become more black-and-white. they’ll begin to feel the need to restrain themselves but then become frustrated with the structures and limits, and their usual vivaciousness may give way to a grim seriousness.

what enthusiasm they had for their own ideas and opinions will quickly shift into a tendency to critique the views of others; they might become short, impersonal, and impatient--with both themselves and others--attempting to 'teach' those around them why their ideas and opinions are better or correct. and under high stress, their underlying resentment will begin to show. they might begin scolding, nitpicking, and cutting down those around them with withering, sarcastic comments, and they'll adopt a 'hit-and-run' approach to conflict.

the examples of mikey’s 1 could include:

in tales of leo (s1ep19) after mikey finishes telling his story and raph says “if you ask me, leo’s not coming back because he’s afraid”, mikey--quite literally--180s on him and retorts “no one asked you!”

in return to the underground (s2ep13) mikey says don's plan to get the crystal moon back up came from "whackos-r-us", and toward the end when they’re all webbed up and surrounded by monsters, he mocks don and “his big ideas” and does a nasally impression of him

his behavior in most (if not all) of same as it never was (s3ep21); the way he snaps at don right out the gate is radiating with a 1’s anger and, more notably, resentment

in grudge match (s4ep6), he makes a very pointed dig at raph when challenged about his status as the battle nexus champion; i’ll touch on this a bit more later

mikey’s security number is a 5, so when mentally and spiritually healthy he’ll begin to show the positive traits associated with 5s. these 7s grow more comfortable with silence and solitude and are willing to be more serious; they begin to think about the meaning and purpose of their lives. an 'average' health 7 might be creative, but a secure 7 no longer wants to just consume, they want to contribute. 7s on the positive side of a 5 can finally experience satisfaction in the truest sense of the word.

they learn to slow down and quiet the activity in their minds so impressions affect them more deeply, and they become able to stay with their observations and experiences long enough to realize all the amazing things about themselves and the world around them. they can recognize which experiences have real value to them. rather than worry about making the wrong choices or missing out on the best--most exciting--course of action, 7s will simply know what to do. it doesn’t cause 7s to lose their spontaneity or enthusiasm, they just become more free to savor the moment. as 7s learn to quiet their minds and tolerate anxiety that arises, they can access the clarity, innovation, insight, and knowing qualities of a healthy 5.

examples of mikey’s 5 surfacing could include

in the unconvincing turtle titan (s1ep12) after watching the silver sentry interview at the end, while his brothers are asking questions, you can see him just kind of quietly basking in the moment instead of hyping himself or the moment up

in contrast to dipping into his 1 throughout return to the underground, while they’re on their way back home mikey pauses to take a moment to let don know “he may be a pain in the shell, but i’m proud that you’re my bro”. (this back and forth reaction to don's decisions/plans could also be his assertive type expanding in defense early on only for his compliant type to fall back to childhood lessons in doing the right thing, recognizing and appreciating that they've done that here)

in christmas aliens (s3ep1) it’s his idea to go to the children’s home, granting others an exciting and warm holiday experience rather than being concerned with his own. contributing, not consuming.

in grudge match (s4ep6) he takes the time to seek leo out at the end of the episode and thank him

there is an aspect of his 5 surfacing in what he says about leo in samurai tourist (s4ep13) but i hesitate to say that his 5 is fully in the driver’s seat; i’ll get to it when we get there

cardinal sins - 7 and gluttony

once again, as with raph and with don, mikey’s cardinal sin is more than its surface-level explanation. yeah, he eats a lot and enjoys food, but… who doesn’t? i, also, would like pie.

7s embody sunshine and joy and a boundless love for life, always curious, always excited about the next thing to come. but if you scratch those surface appearances off, you’ll find an almost desperate need to avoid pain. the cardinal sin of gluttony isn’t so much about mikey’s passion for pizza as much as it is a need to devour positive experiences, stimulating ideas and fine material things in order to avoid suffering, hurtful memories, or feelings of deprivation. 7s cope by gorging themselves. they jam their calendars with activities and adventures to look forward to, absorb interesting ideas and stories, collect material possession--all in an attempt to fill up an inner emptiness with items and experiences. we all have our ways of defending against pain, and for 7s it’s keeping things lively and positive. they must have more, so they never run out.

one of my books state that 7s are often caught in a cycle of anticipation known as 'the chocolate syndrome'. one of the most exciting things about a box of chocolates is the anticipation of the first bite (you never know what you're gonna get inside, after all). it's often less the experience itself that excites 7s, it's the anticipation OF that experience. a small example of this could be found in the lesson (s3ep13) when young mikey is teaching casey about the importance of having a battle-cry. he hypes up how having a good battle-cry will get foes to flee like cowards, and before casey even has a chance to respond, mikey exclaims "oooOOH, i really wanna see that!! come on, let's try it!". the payoff of this is, obviously, not great. but it didn't lessen the thrill of getting there.

unfortunately, due to their cardinal sin, 7s have a tendency to be the most vulnerable to some form of addiction, both due to their love for anticipation and need of escaping negative feelings. i see a lot of people going to raph when it comes to this topic (especially in terms of substance abuse), i guess because he’s the “problem child”? and his 7 wing might open a vulnerability to that but for the most part… eh. mn.

i bring this subject up in regards to mikey, however, because we actually have a brief example of it in-series.

in the big brawl - part three (s2ep25), raph and mikey pass gennosuke while wandering the battle nexus market. gen is a gambler (it thus needs be remarked that gambling can be as much an addiction as a substance), and he asks them if they want to place a bet on him winning the tournament. raph immediately turns him down and tells him to “find some other sucker” while walking away… but mikey hangs back and asks what the odds on himself are. once he gets those odds he says “i gotta get in on that action!” and asks raph to help him out. raph proceeds to grab mikey by the arm, tell gen to fuck off a second time, and physically removes mikey from the interaction. you might remember me saying back in raph’s post that raph, being an 8, might be the most ‘world-wise’ out of the four. he sees this for what it is, what it could be, and he’s gently peeling mikey away from it.

and as before, let’s look at the other sins in the circle. mikey’s 6 wing, 1 stress and 5 security would give him: fear*, anger, and greed respectively.

*i mentioned in raph's post that seven of the enneagram’s cardinal sins are in line with the traditional ‘deadly sins’; 3s and 6s are the exceptions, with 3’s cardinal sin being deceit and 6’s being fear.

same as it never was with a touch of darkness within

before we dive in, let’s pause to examine 7s at their healthiest and unhealthiest. at their healthiest, 7s can be described as: joyful and satisfied, anticipating and enthusiastic, realistic and productive. at their unhealthiest, 7s can be described as: insatiable and escaping, manic (depressive) and reckless, overwhelmed and paralyzed.

mikey is kind of unique throughout the series in that we don’t really get a lot of heavy episodes with him that would latch onto his more stressed state of mind and drag it out. at least, not in the way that we do with his brothers. sainw, unsurprisingly, is when we get to see a version of mikey in his worst state, and i think there’s a lot of interesting things to examine here with his enneagram type in mind, one of which will carry into the next section.

right off the bat, something to notice about sainw!mikey: he is the ONLY person who doesn’t greet our don warmly. april hugs don. raph also hugs him (that 2 shooting to the surface for a split second). leo’s smiling widely, and he sounds relieved. but mikey? it’s "where the shell have you been?? how could you just abandon us like that?!". it's instantaneous, and he doesn't hesitate to take it a step further, because the first thing he decides to do after is take don to master splinter. that's exactly how he words it, too: "i'm taking you to master splinter". ...--like, i need you to realize how cold of a move this is in hindsight. because script-wise, it's obviously there to do an emotional reveal not just to don but also the audience. but in character context?

this master splinter died after don disappeared. which could mean that his death is information sainw!don doesn't have. but whether it’s our don or sainw!don it doesn’t matter, because mikey presents this information to don much like you drop a bucket of ice water on someone. he takes him to splinter’s grave. it’s not gentle, it's not kind, it’s harsh. as though to say: you left, the team didn’t work, and look what happened. i want you to look at it.

as i said in the stress section--as well as back in don’s post--mikey is leaning hard into his 1. the gang's all here: we got cutting remarks, we got 1’s cardinal sin in anger (resentment), we got blame, we got grim seriousness. i think we can go a bit deeper into the fact that don ‘abandoned’ them, too. for that, we need to look to the darkness within (s3ep14).

jenn (@/plantdonut) brought this to my attention a while ago; i don’t remember the context of the conversation, and i’ve searched our discord chats to no avail--i can only assume she mentioned it during a call. but her point stuck with me, and it will be heavily pulled from in the next paragraph.

mikey’s nightmare in the darkness within features leo joining the lovecraftian entity and attacking him. looking at the themes of each of their nightmares: don’s centers on loss and helplessness, leo’s was about failure, and raph’s was giving into his worst self. mikey’s seems to be about betrayal. it’s an interesting one, because i don’t think the boys have really experienced real betrayal up to this point. their companions have always been their companions, and the people who have 'turned on them' to some degree never fully gained their trust in the first place. but what’s one of the things mikey seeks out when he needs distractions? comic books. superhero comic books. a genre where betrayal is almost laughably frequent and expected to the point of parody. the concept of being betrayed by someone you trust or love is no doubt hovering around in mikey’s subconscious. he already thinks of himself and his brothers as superheroes--he IS a superhero. so, here in this nightmare, he’s experiencing his first "real" betrayal.

and it's not lost on me that... out of the four of them who almost joined the foot? leo. leo’s the one mikey’s having the nightmare about.

take this knowledge and move back to sainw. don disappearing on his family, in a time when mikey needs him most? …that’s a betrayal. sainw!mikey’s world is not only crumbling around him, but if we were to assume that his deepest fear is the same as our mikey’s, then his worst fear has also come true: someone close to him who he loves has betrayed him. don left. the team didn't work anymore. splinter died. raph and leo separated, they "aren't with anyone" anymore.

i think the only smile we get out of sainw!mikey is after don pleads to leo and raph to help him, and leo and raph shake hands. just this... brief blink-and-you-miss-it smile. it's so fleeting.

sainw is probably the most blatant example of mikey’s 1 being active, but there is one specific example we get with our mikey.

mikey beat raph that one time aaaaand uuuh--

originally this was going to be a part of the season four discussion, but it became its own thing. i don’t think i’ve ever seen anyone really take note of this, let alone acknowledge it, either. but me sitting here and putting everything through an enneagram filter while rewatching episodes made a light go off.

for starters, i need to reiterate what i said back in raph's post in the season four section: i don't agree with master splinter when he says that all of the boys except leo have healed from their wounds after defeating the shredder. i know what was more a script-thing to emphasize the journey leo's going on, but i really need to restate that i think all of the boys are on the unhealthy end of their enneagram spectrums. their stress numbers are present and active, and this is going to be one time, i think, we see our mikey lean into his. with intent.

grudge match (s4ep6) feels like the episode where the change in leo’s demeanor is beginning to have an actual effect on the family unit. the first three episodes of the season were more an adjustment and ‘’’healing’’’ period in their post-shredder lives, the fourth was leo and casey, and the fifth episode we can see leo's change isn't going away but the 'ripple effect' hasn't quite kicked in yet. it's grudge match when raph begins confronting leo on his shift in attitude and don remarks on the increased intensity of the training.

between the end of the battle nexus arc (s2ep23-26) and grudge match, mikey will sometimes boast about being the battle nexus champion (as is his god given right), and i think it's fair based on dialogue and his family's reactions that he does it off-screen, too. but.

the only time (i'm pretty frickin sure) he brings up that he beat raph is at the very, very end of the last battle nexus episode (s2ep26) and right here in grudge match. it’s no secret that mikey enjoys playfully antagonizing his brothers from time to time, and that he has a tendency to target raph with shenanigans and teasing. but the exchange in grudge match, both due to context and the energy feels… different.

at the end of the big brawl - part four, raph says mikey won on a technicality. to which mikey responds "um. TECHNICALLY, i kicked your sorry butt in one of the bouts. remember?". the energy and body language behind it is much more passive, playful and, overall, good-natured. raph doesn’t respond to it well and tackles mikey to the ground (this would be the first time leo and don are learning this specific information as well), but i think it’s safe to say the remark from mikey was meant to be more competitive ribbing than it was anything else. in grudge match, though?

before this exchange even happens, raph’s temper is already set off--he’s not starting from a more neutral, calm state like he did at the end of the big brawl. leo's insistence on more intense training has him heightened, angry, and wound up. mikey uses his win as a reason to blow off training, and this just fans the flame. raph challenges mikey's status as the battle nexus champion and states he won on sheer, dumb luck. and when mikey says “well, if i remember correctly, i beat YOU fair and square”, he doesn’t just physically lean in once, he leans in twice and that second lean is to emphasize the 'you'. we don’t get to see how raph responds because master splinter interjects, but given that immediately following mikey’s remark don visibly winces, states “ooh i don’t wanna see this”, and removes himself from the space? i think it's fair to say the result would have been... explosive.

8s are competitive. and when it comes to their competitive nature, it’s important to remember they hate losing more than they love winning. winning is good because it cements their capability, but losing is awful because it risks affirming their basic fear. 8s believe they'll be okay so long as they are strong and in control of their situation. i think raph’s feelings toward his loss go beyond just the fact that he lost to mikey. it’s less that he lost to mikey… and more how he lost to mikey. because mikey beat him not by out-fighting him, but by drawing out raph's temper and letting it get the better of him, wear him out, and ultimately be his own undoing. in a way, raph didn't lose to mikey, he lost to himself. and he did that publicly. this wasn't in the privacy of his own home during a training session, or a one-off with some purple dragons in a dark alley-way. this was public. with thousands of eyes watching. when he realizes he lost in that episode, raph says the line "i'll never be able to live with myself!" and while it's most likely dramatics, i feel like there's just the smallest sliver of truth to it. the fact it was mikey, at the end of the day, doesn't really matter. he lost agency to his temper again.

i’m bringing all of this up to say that: given the atmosphere of ‘the room’, raph’s already heightened state… this was a very bad time to dig the knife in, and mikey did it anyway. much like sainw!mikey chose to break the news of splinter's death to don in a harsh way, mikey’s choosing to defend his status in a harsh way. this could easily be an example of that 'hit-and-run' tactic i mentioned in the stress section; mikey's hitting raph with something he knows will further set him off, possibly as a way to redirect his family's frustration with him onto someone else. but, master splinter sees through it. he interjects and keeps attention focused on mikey before raph has the chance to explode.

now. i think it’s more than fair to say that mikey would know raph hates losing and that his temper is a strategic weakness, considering their fight in the battle nexus showcased he knew exactly how to work raph into being his own worst opponent, defeating him without even touching him. but remember at the beginning of the post where i said there's a bit of a disconnect between them, as their only link in the 7 is through a wing rather than a core number?

mikey may know that this is a dig at raph, but it is possible he doesn't know how deep it runs or that raph losing his temper isn't JUST a strategic weakness, it's directly tied to an 8's fear of being controlled/losing control. mikey may not know it was a bit more targeted than he intended it to be, but he doesn't pause or slow down to consider this. the 5's not here right now, the 1 is.

the first half of season four, for the last time

i’m certain there’s already been some observation about mikey and leo’s relationship throughout the first half of season four, and how--out of the brothers--mikey is the most attentive toward leo’s shift in attitude. it’s also interesting to see mikey’s assertive core and compliant wing sort of swing back and forth. i’m both going to talk about mikey’s interactions with leo, here, but toward the end, also his interactions with raph.

as discussed in raph’s post, in cousin sid (s4ep1) raph at first responds positively to leo’s shift in attitude and goes as far as to make a joke he probably shouldn’t have (ye ol' 7 wing). leo turns on him, but mikey gets between them and shuts the interaction down before it can become anything bigger. and, be it for leo’s benefit or his own, he takes charge of getting raph somewhere he won’t be a danger to himself.

in the people’s choice (s4ep2), mikey’s the one who pauses when he notices leo’s not following them to the mill and asks if he’s coming or not. it's a small moment, but he wanted leo to be included in their fun adventure.

as i said in leo’s post, we get a great exchange between leo and mikey in grudge match. to reiterate the exchange:

leo: …no. like pushing yourself beyond your limits. to a place where there are no limits. to be so focused, so ready that nothing and no one will ever catch you off guard again! mikey: um. …we still talking about me, here?

7s will do almost anything to avoid engaging in painful emotions, so when mikey picks up on the fact that leo’s projecting he points it out indirectly. leo doesn’t engage with this observation… so, mikey defaults to making a joke that he could still forfeit. but, as with this episode feeling like the first time leo's shift is shown to have a ripple effect on the family, i think this is the episode where mikey starts to engage with this shift. both in regards to leo and to his brothers.

in wing and a prayer, as i said earlier, leo tries to tell mikey that they need to train so that they’re ready for anything. mikey retorts by quoting master splinter... kind of:

“worry leads to fear. fear leads to anger. anger leads to worry. …--no, hold on. fear leads to anger. anger leads to hate. hates leads tooooo… a dark and moody leo”.

that pesky 7 of his is once again preventing him from communicating directly, but i do think mikey is trying to communicate here. and not JUST to leo. don and raph are also present, and raph even steps into frame as mikey finishes talking. they are, unfortunately, interrupted. and i hope all those pigeons are okay.

in dragons rising (s4ep10) while leo’s training at the beginning of the episode, he has a brief interaction with mikey (and klunk). mikey tries to ask him “how's it going?” but leo doesn’t respond and carries on. mikey then turns to klunk and states that “leo’s mister personality these days” and that “he’s getting tired of it, himself”. this could be his core's assertive type at play. it's expanding a bit, pushing what leo's going through away for mikey's own protection. but toward the end of the episode, after leo chews them all out and storms off, we see raph, casey and mikey in the back of the battleshell. raph verbally expresses agreement with leo, and mikey… kind of nods. i think he not only listened to leo, but also took raph’s acknowledgement/agreement into consideration. i think raph and mikey value each other's opinions a lot more than they let on. we have direct evidence of mikey looking up to raph (he asks himself "what would raph do?" in christmas aliens), and i'll get to raph in a second. back to mikey's handling of leo.

in all hallows thieves (s4ep12), mikey makes a leo-o-lantern. he could be trying to make leo laugh or smile or just… tap into the nostalgia that comes with halloween for them, but he doesn’t get much of a response.

when we finally reach samurai tourist (s4ep13), we have a small collection of things that have happened: mikey has acknowledged leo was projecting onto him in grudge match, mikey has potentially tried to communicate leo’s position and mental state to the other three in wing and a prayer, and mikey has now heard leo express his frustration that they keep losing and that he feels like the rest of them are treating it like it’s all a game. meanwhile, raph is still keeping leo at an arm’s length and is fighting with him and don still seems to be choosing not to engage with leo if he can avoid it.

at the start of the episode, raph and casey discuss leo's behavior. raph's irritated, and casey's treating the whole thing quite flippantly. likely getting antsy about the direction the conversation's heading, mikey makes an attempt to derail it: he jokes that he COULD be training, but it's free comic book day. ...it doesn't work, though. and the conversation continues. as the camera jumps around, mikey starts to look a little irritated, and this time he speaks up for real:

i think all of you should just lay off the poor guy. i mean, it can’t be fun. always being the responsible one? and we’re the ones who really benefit! raph’s free not to think because leo does all the thinking for him. don’s free to dream. and i’m free to take it easy! all because leonardo is busy being responsible enough for all of us!

i hesitate to say that mikey's 5 is doing the driving because he’s not slowing down to engage with his OWN negative and painful emotions. this is much more his 1 at play, taking the moment to 'teach' the others (and even if it is being triggered from an unhealthy state, he's right). it could also be a bit of that 6 wing, that compliant type, trying to be more directly 'in service' to leo rather than tap-dancing around the problem in wing and a prayer.

he acknowledges that the position leo’s in “is not fun”, which is a simple but important line coming from him because 7s will FLOCK toward anything 'fun' in order to avoid pain. this is a way of saying he knows leo’s in a lot of pain, and he then points out how each of them are benefiting from leo’s responsibility (including himself is some of his 5 engaging, as he’s at least embracing some of this guilt rather than denying it by virtue of expressing it).

unfortunately, we don't get to see the other two engage with this because leo pierces raph’s punching bag with his sword and raph starts to have an outburst. but this moment is also kinda interesting.

mikey shouts “easy, raph!” and helps casey hold him back, but don... doesn't do anything. i know he wasn’t standing close to raph, but we've seen him cross spaces in order to help hold raph back in the past. him choosing to remain where he is (and it's not that he's not animated, he puts his bo staff back in his belt) could be that continued choice to remain distanced and disengaged from this entire ~thing~. i think it’s also worth noting that raph’s 5 is active and, in piercing the sandbag, leo just broke one of raph’s resources. might help explain his aggressive reaction.

moving forward from samurai tourist, i mentioned back in raph’s post that there's a shift after mikey shuts their conversation down with how raph responds to leo’s behavior. i think, given that he values mikey's perspective and opinion, he took what mikey said to heart even if it is kind of too-little-too-late.

mikey calls leo’s outburst in the ancient one (s4ep14) before it happens, stating that he thinks “the cork’s about to pop on that unopened bottle”. this is followed by raph calling leo 'a hot-head' and stating that he hates it when leo reminds him of himself (a much gentler observation and description than saying "leo's gone mental"). …and right after this, we get a parallel to meet casey jones (s1ep4), with leo striking master splinter in place of raph attacking mikey. ( idk where else to put this, but while mikey, raph and don are outside splinter’s room listening to splinter and leo talk, and they turn to look at each other uncertainly? mikey looks to raph.)

after the efforts in samurai tourist, it’s kind of sad to see how mikey refers to leo in scion of the shredder (s4ep15). it would seem that compliant type has stepped back, and the assertive type is at the front of things again. where raph refers to leo as “a bum” (again, much gentler terms than we were getting before), mikey’s the one who asks if leo’s going to come back “normal… or, like… MORE normal. because before he left, he was acting kinda… y’know” and he draws a coo-coo next to his temple. raph promptly smacks him for this. leo attacking master splinter may have not only driven up mikey’s 1 (scathing remarks and judgemental views are active) but also woke up that fear of betrayal.

i dunno. it’s just interesting to see that AFTER mikey brought attention to where leo’s head is at, raph started to back off. and after leo took a step too close to something mikey’s afraid of, mikey’s quick to retreat back into old habits and--for the first time since this arc started--starting to throw insults in leo’s direction (and insults in the same line raph was taking from, no less). that compliant type might have been willing to step forward before and do a service to leo by bringing awareness to his condition… but now the assertive core has moved back into place, expanding to keep danger and pain away.

conclusion

as mentioned in part 1, the two books i referenced and heavily pulled from in the more enneagram-focused sections of this project (the parts where the enneagram itself is explained rather than how it applies to the turtles) were:

the wisdom of the enneagram by don richard riso & russ hudson

the road back to you by ian morgan cron & suzanne stabile

bro i straight up do not know how to top this off. i can’t believe i’m finally done with this after over a year and a half of working on it. <xD absolutely wild. and i just wanna thank anyone who took the time to read all of this, who left me something nice to say, and/or who shared it around. i really, really appreciate it. it’s obviously been a lot of work.

as i’ve said throughout the other posts, should i return with more things to say i’ll make addendums and link them along as i go. but for now: it’s been fun! time to return to art and fic writing. but later. because i'm braindead as all hell right now.