#literally tearing up thinking about him
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Sandro...~ Okay, we need to talk about Sandro. So, when my group of 5 entered the Starcruiser Halcyon, it was IMMEDIATELY overwhelming. It was all so beautiful and exciting and the story popped RIGHT off, and my shyest friends and I found ourselves kind of frozen in... fear? Trepidation? Sandro was such a breath of fresh air, with the absolute lowest stakes questline, and completely down to earth, like talking to a real person instead of someone playing a Big Star Wars Character (no shade to the rest though, who also were phenomenal). We ended up spending all our time with him because everything else going on was just too hectic and overwhelming, and in the end cried real tears at the culmination of his story, that we were a huge part of making happen. We never got to say good-bye to Sandro, but all of us literally can not stop talking about him, and how he was the best part of our entire trip. <3
#galactic starcruiser#star wars#halcyon starcruiser#sandro#art#literally tearing up thinking about him#a fantastic moment was when gaya walked up to us and we were talking about sandro#and she was like UGH dont remind me and we were like NOT OUR SANDRO WHAT HAPPENED AAHHH#what had happened was DRAMA no spoilers
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on a completely separate note; shizun luo binghe with a disciple shen yuan who fell into the abyss??? *thinks about LBH canonically stealing SQQ's corpse for 5 years* he'd hallucinate i think. like, like visual and audial hallucinations.
Keeps thinking he's seeing SQQ in the corner of his eyes, or wandering between the trees, amongst a group of disciples. Thinks he hears him calling for him, but its just the wind or another disciple.
Gets Xiu Ya reforged but patently fucking refuses to make a sword mound. Because his disciple Is Not Dead :))) There was No Body. He's Not Dead. And If You keep Insisting That He Is, He's Gonna Skewer You :). He's holding onto Xiu Ya so he can return his most favored disciple's sword when he returns. It's on his hip right next to Zheng Yang where it's supposed to be.
Also this motherfucker?? does not sleep btw. He has the image of SQQ, wide eyed and hysterical and standing at the mouth of the abyss burned into his fucking eyelids. Can't use the dreamscape to escape it either because he keeps trying to save him and either he does and it's an incredibly cruel trick to wake up to, or he doesn't and he gets his heart broken in several different pieces again.
There is no convincing this man that Shen Qingqiu is dead. Absolutely nothing at all. He is buried so deep in denial that moles would be jealous of how deep he is. He keeps making tea for two in the bamboo house only to remember that it's just him. SQQ's fans are hiding everywhere, little reminders of his presence. He goes to wake up SQQ on the mornings he sleeps in-- only to find the room empty.
#svsss#luo binghe#svsss au#scum villain#scum villian self saving system#shen yuan#shen qingqiu#disciple shen yuan#lbh. visibly exhausted and with twitchy eyes: im fine :) | everyone else: ho no the fuck you ARENT.#SQQ was hysterical not because he found out LBH was half-demon but bc he was having a long-awaited mental breakdown over his autonomy :)#or (limited) lack thereof. he was having a sudden onset crisis of mortality and was handling at quite literally the WORST time. oops#im thinking very hard that LBH would never push his disciple into the abyss especially with no system to force him to. so SQQ either#had to goad him into it (failing always) or throw himself in. he ended up doing it himself but not before some very impressive hysterics.#BUT ALSO. IF THIS HAD BEEN WHERE SQQ WAS THE HALF-HEAVENLY DEMON INSTEAD IT WOULD'VE BEEN SO GREAT.#and by great i mean horribly angsty bc SQQ is NOT doing too hot and has. in very SY-like fashion. convinced himself that LBH will kill him#when he finds out he's a demon. so when it comes out i have this mental image of him lunging at LBH and LBH flinches back. but SQQ wraps hi#hands around the blade of Zheng Yang and yanks it up so the tip of the blade is digging into his chest where is heart is. LBH can't yank th#sword away without risking slicing into SQQ's hands. SQQ's hair has fallen out of its tail/bun and is now messily spilling down his#back and its NO helping the kinda deranged look he has going on. he's visibly shaking and his eyes keep flittering away and back at LBH's#face. SQQ is looking at the messages from the system warning him that he has to go into the abyss or punishment will occur. he's like.#rambling though. talking about how shizun doesn't *like* unclean things and there is nothing more unclean than a demon. like he is#INSISTING. LBH can't?? get a fucking word in. actually. SY isn't listening that much either anyways. too overwhelmed with the system and#the amount of stress he's under and his crumbling mental state and the innate and primal desire to live even when he's standing in front of#his own executioner. it all ends with him sitting on the ground at the lip of the abyss with his hair falling in his face. he looks so#unkempt and fallen apart and so distinctly *non-Shen Qingqiu* that LBH feels physically ill over it. tears are streaming down SQQ's face#and despite everything he is smiling. its not a nice smile. its a very frayed falling apart at the seams about to crack smile.#he tells shizun not to worry about staining his blade with this disciple's filthy blood because this disciple will take care of it himself.#and then he falls into the abyss before luo binghe can so much as grab him. the only reason LBh doesn't literally jump in after him is bc#he was numb with shock and the abyss was already closed before he could feel his legs again :]
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I just saw one of your fave games is What remains of Edith Finch and I’m so happy! I feel like its a lesser known game but i loved playing through it. I’m so happy to know more than just my small friend group know about this game!
Sorry this isn’t a question. Also want to say that you’re art is amazing and the development of the designs is so interesting to see. Also the way you draw intimate scenes have so much emotion to them. I love the Aj and rarity kissing comic so much, you can just feel their love for each other ;w;
Thank you so much!
I highly, highly, highly recommend What Remains of Edith Finch to anyone interested in narrative game experiences/"walking simulators." It's one of those games that was handcrafted with nothing but love. Every room you explore is just... real. The way the light flows in and makes the colors of the living room, the kitchen, the bedrooms glow. Playing the game is like walking through your childhood home as an adult and seeing how the dust clings to everything you once touched. Also genius-level gameplay mechanics, ones that can make you completely empathetic with the character you're embodying or feel completely complacent in their tragedy. It's really not fair to call it a walking simulator because it's so much more and so much smarter than that.Everyone talks about the fish one.
The theme of death and memory and storytelling and the burden of invisible trauma and self-fulfilling prophecies is so affecting too. The ending made me cry.
#detective-marshmallow#ask me#using this ask to seriously plug edith finch#and to talk about spoilers here#major major major spoilers#because i still think about walter. who saw something so awful and traumatic as a kid that he spend the next 40 years living right under hi#family. and everyone forgot about him#i think about the house. literally aching and creaking with the family's history of strange deaths#i think about sam. who had to grow up in an empty bedroom he once shared with his twin brother. and stare at the partitioned-off side#every single day#i think about edith. who knows she will have a child and knows she will die and continue the family curse but decides to live anyways#god edith didn't even make it to adulthood.#this game tears me up from the inside yet it's so full of love and fantasy and hope#it was honestly really helpful for my death anxiety.#don't fear death. one day you'll go. people will mourn. and then they'll tell stories about you.
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i’ve always wondered what worst logan thinks of main logan. is he jealous at all of how revered he was? i mean what do you even think of the guy that’s considered the “best version” of you when you’re seen as the worst.
#no one could possibly be okay after hearing that they’re the worst in all of the multiverse#i mean that fc kn hurts#theres a part of me thats like god im so proud of my og baby main foxverse logan being so loved#literally the TVA watch LOGAN 2017 in tears#they respect that man so much#but but also my number one boy WORSTIE LOGAN#aka best logan (in my heart and wades)#i just im so attached to him specifically#because hes just so sad and lonely and god#he doesnt think he deserves love#but but he very much does because HES A GOOD MAN#despite everything he fought sooooo hard to prove to himself and everyone else that he could be the man that charles always thought he was#dude literally cares so much. he was willing to die just to help this guy he met about three days ago#idk im just saying stuff#anyway hes sweet and he loves hard#and hes made mistakes yes bad mistakes but hes trying his hardest to make up for those#logan howlett#james logan howlett#worst wolverine#james howlett#wolverine#deadpool and wolverine#deadpool & wolverine#deadpool 3#hugh jackman#poolverine
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Cross and Dream would be unstoppable. In a bad way. Those two are both overworking machines and Blue is so so tired of having to wrangle them into resting.
#utmv#undertale au#both of them have an awful mindset about work#they think they need to run themselves into the ground for it to be good#Dream because he thinks there's always things to be done#and Cross almost as a punishment to himself but also as a distraction#pushing his body further than it can go#and getting his brain to stop thinking altogether#can't think about how much of a fuckup you are if you can't think at all#I think If Cross were to become a more fixed part of the Star Sanses' lives then Blue would just have a lot more on his plate#I do think he already takes care of Dream somewhat#but Dream won't fight him too much on it#he's more reasonable#Cross is anything but helpful and reasonable#And then if Blue ends up confronting him that's just more reason for Cross to feel guilty#because he feels like he's wasting Blue's time who's been so nice and helpful and has welcomed him so easily and he's really sorry-#and Blue's just like 'bro. you're literally doing it again just stop'#and Blue just wishes this fucking guy would chill out.#he didn't have so many reservations about tearing AUs apart#anywayyy#fun thoughts#messy ones but y'know
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Fernando Alonso & His Relationship With Cards
I'm sure we're all familar with the cards on the back of Fernando's Vegas GP helmet by now, but did you know his relationship with cards goes a lot deeper?
I. Magic Tricks
You've probably seen or heard someone at least mention Fernando's propensity for card tricks. As far as I can tell he was doing them(publically) as far back as 2003 all the way to as recently as 2018. Even once performing a card trick, with a condom and a teddy bear(!??!?!??!!), in front of Valentino Rossi who said "How was that possible?"(x)
But how did this start? According to James Allen, "Fernando admits to having been heavily influenced by his grandfather, a mercurial figure, who taught him magic and card tricks, still one of his passions away from the race track."(x) And I'm not sure the validity of this one, because I couldn't find an actual source, but apparently he once said: "My parents are responsible for the two things I like doing most - driving and magic tricks. They bought me my first go-kart and a magician's kit."
In several interviews he described it as his hobby off track, and that he loved learning new tricks and surprising others in the garage with them! So clearly cards are pretty important to him both as a hobby but also to who he is as a person since they've been with him just as long as racing has.
II. Card Symbolism in His Helmets
This is the reason I originally made this post, but I thought I should also explain the origins of his card fascination first. As I said, we probably all remember the cards on the back of his helmet in Vegas, but did you know that wasn't the first time he had cards on the back of his helmet?
From 2008-2013, he used to have a pair of cards on the back of his helmets. The symbolisms of the cards themselves as well as the evolution of their design is really fascinating to me! Even more so with the recent development of the card choice in 2023.
Fernando said he wanted to reference his two titles in some way on the back of his helmet and after his friend sent him several ideas, he decided on having two cards(an ace of clubs and an ace of hearts, sometimes pictured with 05 and 06 on them as well), saying: "I picked the cloverleaf [the ace of clubs - Ed] to give me luck, but the only pity is that it doesn't have four leaves!"(X)
2008.
Here's the very first appearance of the cards! They're displayed flat, with the 05 and 06 clearly visible
2009.
Very similar to 2008, but with a slightly different design, and they're maybe a bit more straight with less shadow?
2010.
This is the first major change! I was sad they didn't have the years on them anymore, but then I realized they're sparkly to match with his signature lightning bolts on the top of the helmet!!
2011.
Honestly I'm still somewhat unsure if this is the actual 2011 helmet? It's pretty difficult to find clear photos of the back of helmets from older seasons. It's easiest to find them on replica sites or auction sites so I'm not 100%? But anyways, I like that this has the championship years on the underside of the cards
2012.
This is when I started getting weirdly emotional about the helmets. Do you see how they've progressed from being a centerpoint to being curled up and sad at the bottom of the helmet? Not listing the year anymore??
2013.
Same thoughts as 2012. And after this season, they cease to exist (just like his ferrari chair in the garage, WOAH CALLBACK), until cards make a reeappearance in his Vegas helmet, albeit in a different form
2013 Monaco(Honorable Mention):
For some reason 2013 helmets were easier to find proper pictures of, so I happened to witness this absolute beauty. The creativity of this helmet genuinely blows me away??? Wanting to keep the card motif, but making sure to incorporate it into the rest of the puzzle piece design?? Mwah! There was another special 2013 helmet but they didn't change the cards at all so I really applaud this one
2023 Las Vegas(The Return of The King):
The magnificent return! But look! The cards are different cards! Instead of being two aces, it's now an ace of hearts, a four of hearts(his driver number of course!) and, the, now iconic, representation of himself as a Joker. I literally could not believe my eyes when this helmet was released and I saw the Joker card, what a fucking silly old man....I really wonder if he felt nostalgic having cards on his helmet again or if he didn't think about it all and was just like, "ah cards because Vegas!!!"
III. Why Does This Matter?
*The rest of the post was factual, this is moreso my personal thoughts on the symbolism of the cards/designs
This post spawned from me recently watching the 2010 Bahrain gp and noticing "hey wait a minute...are those CARDS ON THE BACK OF HIS HELMET!?" It's a really tiny detail that's unfortunately covered up by the HANS device pretty much whenever he's wearing the helmet, so it's really difficult to spot! But I became fascinated with the fact that he had cards on his helmet before that recent helmet, and now here we are!
There's something to me about how the design of the cards evolves over the course of six seasons from the cards being front and center to being smaller, more folded up and closer to the bottom of the helmet. As I said, the 2012-2013 ones genuinely made me depressed because it feels, symbolically, like his hopes for getting another Ace are becoming more and more unlikely and falling away until they eventually fall falt and fade away entirely after 2013 and disappear for basically a decade.
But when they return? They're not the same cards! Instead of representing Fernando's championships, they now represent him as a person, displaying his driver number and his persona of being a Joker!! Though I do think it's interesting he happened to keep the Ace of Hearts, even though he talked more about the Ace of Clubs before. I'm not sure it's actually this deep in reality, but I like to think that it's him not letting his championships(and the lack thereof) define him, but rather letting who he is as a person shine and be the centerpoint instead! But on a sadder note, as @suzuki-ecstar said to me, maybe the Aces aren't there anymore because he's lost all hope for a chance at a third Ace entirely :(
#yes its finals week and im up to my eyes in coursework but instead decided to spend like 5 hours researching and writing this post#nah bcs i actually genuinely put more work into this then I think I have all semester dsfjdskjg#that thing about him using a condom and teddy bear in a magic trick genuinely had me crying with laugher. actual tears rolling down my face#<- HOW!?!? WHAT WAS THE TRICK?? its literally inconceivable to me what he did. oh if only there were pics UGH#anyways!! this post was a lot of fun to make!! i really really love the symbolism and design of helmets so this was a rly fun project#and i also went down a lot of rabbitholes while make this and saw many very weird articles from yore#i feel like i make an equal amnt of deranged posts abt seb and nando but i dont know why nando is gifted w all my well researched projects#<- i.e. chair post. that was the same level of research as this one but at least this one i could find actual sources about....#idk theres smth about the extremely long history of nando's history that evokes research posts like this KLAJSLSKDJ#theres just so much that i dont think I ever really see people discussing! so i must create.#haha what was that joke tag i wanted to make abt my researched posts? I think:#normal posts that catie normally makes in a normal fashion#<- one day ill go back and actually tag posts w that. bcs the amtn of research compared to my actual schoolwork is so unwell#fernando alonso#fa14#f1#formula 1#catie.rambling.txt#we do a little bit of f1
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We agreed that I'm in charge of the bars. But you come here all the time to watch me. How am I supposed to lead my people? Use your head, okay? Suit yourself.
KISEKI: DEAR TO ME Ep. 04
#kiseki: dear to me#kisekiedit#kdtm#kiseki dear to me#ai di x chen yi#chen yi x ai di#nat chen#chen bowen#louis chiang#chaing tien#jiang dian#userjjessi#uservid#userspring#userrain#userspicy#*cajedit#*gif#what if they'd actually leaned into the gang stuff and crime and survival of it all#and chen yi and ai di growing up in this environment#what if they spent time on the actual plot do you know how good this show would be if they did that?#and spent time on the changes they went through during their four years apart while ai di was in prison??#where can i subscribe to the chen yi and ai di getting shit done ON screen half of the show#chen yi feelings realization ON screen while fixing his mistakes in the gang and thinking about how ai di took the heat for him#give it to me. please. and thanks.#IM BEGGING AGTUALLY. IM TEARING OUT MY HAIR FROM HOW GOOD IT COULD HAVE BEEN#because they are such real characters!!! because their storyline is INTERESTING! compelling and well written and near devoid of tropes!!#because their actors literally embody these roles so well theyre so believable and its easy to understand the depths without seeing it!!#BUT I WANT TO SEE IT.#I. WANTED. TO. SEE IT.
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seokmin + self-belief xx
#dokyeom#seokmin#dk#svtcreations#i tried#LOOK AT HIS GROWTH#sorry this was pretty rushed and so text heavy#paraphrased a bit#probs a bunch of typos#but it was just such an important set to me as soon as i thought of it and the parts started coming together#LOOOOK AT HIMMMM#😭😭💖💖#i hope the set makes sense#i started getting a bit confused about what i was trying to do with it#but think it came together well#literally teared up a bit while making this#when i realised that i wouldn't have content to make a third part of the svt protecting dk series#bc a lot of that was seventeen reassuring him#(in a good way)#and nowadays he is a confident!!!!! man!!!!!#lee seokmin you've grown up so much :')#and i hope that the set captures the fact that svt and the people around him were also a big part of it#I LOVE THEM!!!!! *time to sleep*#i need to scream more....but tomorrow
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anybody remember this? because i do :’(
(my heart is breaking just a little… okay a lot)
#wonder who the gift was from :’)))#there are literal tears streaming down my face#kit loves ty so freaking much (like SO much)#he is really out here thinking about him every second since he left hold up im gonna cry#kit herondale#ty blackthorn#kit x ty#kitty#the dark artifices#secrets of blackthorn hall#the wicked powers#tda#sobh#twp#tsc
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🍷<3
#when i got hashtag sick i was in hospital and i was doing my regularly scheduled call with my dad#and i really had no plans of telling him bc ive done that before and its not like he can scare the MS away or anything#i dont know what happened. maybe because it was such a fucking bad episode. maybe because i was so tired. maybe it was a secret 3rd thing#but one minute was like fine then i just burst into tears and i was crying so hard which is MEGA EW BC IM NOT A CRIER LIKE THAT#and my dad freaked out and he was like whats wrong and i didnt wanna tell him but I also sounded insane bc i spontaneously started sobbing#and he was getting more alarmed and i was upset that id upset him and so i just spat it out i was like 'listen king'#'its no biggie but my body is trying to kill me again and im just a little sad atm' and he replied 'baba why wouldnt you tell me?'#and this man who has a very big serious job literally dropped everything and took a 20 hr flight over#and he genuinely just grabbed one of his work suitcase because he showed up with nothing but dress shirts and his laptop#and i think maybe it healed me a little. i mean it def also made me sad too but mostly healed me#and he'd been here for a couple of weeks and he left today and i feel shit about being sad about it#again because he has a very big and very serious job and i genuinely dont understand how he even just showed up like that#so I felt guilty throughout#anyway i dont think he drinks anymore but i was like king have a sip of wine with me and he did and it was lovely#and I hope I become my fathers daughter and not my mother's child. praying to both our gods#heres to healing ❤️🩹
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oubliette (o͞o′blē-ĕt′) a dungeon, the only entrance to which is through the top [from the French oublier meaning to forget]
Fox Mulder in Oubliette (3.08)
#fox mulder#the x files#txf#txfedit#x files#xfilesnet#hi let's talk about him in this episode!!!!!#fox mulder i love you#he has such a big heart i'm literally tearing up just thinking about it#this whole episode is just painful but tbh it's probably in my top 10#“not everything i do and say and think and feel goes back to my sister”#gonna go cry about it bye bye#mine
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yeah so that scene where mike kicks down the fort in his basement in s1 is definitely supposed to be paralleled by will taking down castle byers in s3. just if anyone cares about when mike turned his back on being a kid.
#stranger things#80s#the duffer brothers#byler#miwi#will byers#mike wheeler#byler endgame#st5#ive heard people say it symbolizes him losing trust in el#and thats a good interpretation#until you watch the next scene where he's talking to dustin and feeling bad for how he treated el#like it would work...#but NO#because he takes the fort down right after he#1: is told that his attempts to find will are actually doing the opposite and ensuring he's left to die in the upside down#2: is accused of caring more about being liked by a girl than saving his best friend#3: fights with lucas who gets hurt and leaves to look for will alone -- bc he thinks his chances of finding will are better without mike#4: loses el after the fight with lucas-- another friend that went missing under his nose#5: LOSES EL. his one link to will. his last hope.#in my opinion this was reality sinking in#this was him realizing that this isnt some campaign that they could win and be okay at the end of#he felt the most hopeless he ever had and tore down the only safe place in his home#him tearing down the fort wasnt him losing trust in el it was him losing hope and confidence in himself as a leader and friend#and yknow he jumps off the quarry right after that... mayhaps thinking it was all he had to offer anymore...???#AND THEN HE TRIES TO REBUILD IT AT THE END OF S1 BUT IT JUST SLOWLY DISAPPEARS PIECE BY PIECE IN S2 & 3#in the following seasons -- even when his friends are goofing off and acting their age -- mike is decidedly not#he puts himself in the role of a leader and protector at age 12 and literally never comes back from it#and yeah the more he 'fails' at it the worse he feels about himself the more he tries to grow up#me waiting for s5 to confirm mike's complicated and incredibly intricate and well written character status
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It's nice that Bruce is adopting Tim and being all supportive with him, but could he maybe spare two seconds to figure out why the hell Cass has decided to become a serial killer?
#like I know Robin 1993 is first and foremost about Tim#but literally all Bruce said about serial killer Cass boiled down to#'if she thinks insulting your uniform will tear us a part she's even crazier than we thought!'#like????#dude???? that's your daughter???#i guess the implication is that Tim told him off screen and this isn't the first time he's hearing about but still come on dude#robin 1993#bruce wayne#cassandra cain#robin 152#batfam#i read comics#Bruce Wayne go parent the child you already have instead of acquiring a new one challenge#i guess Cass isn't officially adopted but their whole thing in batgirl was him becoming her dad so#also i know Damian's about to pop up so I guess he's about to get another child to worry about instead of parenting Cass
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wish i knew what to do with this helpless frustration i feel every time i see people vilify the jedi for their way of life when the person doing the vilification doesn't even understand them properly. it's one thing to criticize and dislike them if you have an accurate picture of who they were and what they're trying to do vs. hating them because you straight up don't understand them at all 😭
#personal#this isn't vagueposting i'm just tired of seeing it every time i go in the tags or on youtube or on ao3#literally if you boil the jedi down to the essentials it's just#''these are psychic empath space wizards wandering around the galaxy trying to establish a higher quality of life for everyone''#a bunch of aragorns except anduril is a beaming blade of plasma#or gandalf with the ability to do backflips#the only hard rule they have is ''thou shalt not add misery to the world where you can remove it''#everything else is just interpretations on that theme#''they're cold and unfeeling and they HATED ANAKIN and BAN LOVE''#like WHERE in the WORLD are you getting this information#WHEREEEEE#SHOW ME YOUR SOURCESSSS#and don't say ''they ban attachments'' without understanding what that MEANS#ATTACHMENTS =/= LOVE#ATTACHMENTS ARE CHAINS THAT YOU USE TO DRAG OTHERS DOWN WITH YOU#YOU KNOW THE SAYING IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING YOU WILL LET IT GO? THAT'S IT. THAT'S ALL IT IS.#and where are u getting that they hated anakin do you think he'd be so torn up about betraying them all in ep 3#if he was surrounded by people who hated him for over a decade like mans was IN TEARS#HE LOVED AND WAS LOVED BY THEM IN TURN#IT JUST WASN'T ENOUGH TO SAVE THEM IN THE END BECAUSE#CRUCIALLY#HIS ATTACHMENT TO PADME DRAGGED HER AND THEM AND EVERYONE ELSE DOWN WITH HIM#stop stripping anakin of his agency he made a CHOICE#star wars is ALL ABOUT CHOICE. THE CHOICE TO FALL IN EP 3. AND THE CHOICE TO RISE AGAIN IN EP 6.#like cmon fellas..... fellas cmon........
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watching ghost files: alone is honestly a really interesting experience because we all know that ryan is anxious when ghost hunting but it's usually cut with jokes or shane effortlessly distracting him but we obviously don't get any of that during this
it's really interesting and honestly emotional to see ryan doing all of this alone and being so open and vulnerable on camera. i'm fully a skeptic but i have so so much more respect for ryan than i already had for how impressively brave he was for doing this. you can genuinely hear the anxiety in his voice when he's investing in a way that i don't think we ever have with regular ghost files. i think it's impressive the level of vulnerability he's showing by talking about his anxiety and how he is truly getting so mentally exhausted
major props to ryan because not only is it a really fun and fascinating thing to watch from an entertainment perspective but it also shows the fact that he is truly stronger than his fear and i really admire him for this
#can you tell that he's made me emotional every single episode#i literally teared up in the first one when he started talking about how he really needed to do this for himself because of his anxiety#literally cried when he started tearing up after saying he was proud of himself#i also just love watching him ghost hunt#i think ghost files alone is really really cool#and i say that as a shaniac#love you bergoos#watcher entertainment#ryan bergara#ghost files#watcher#ghost files alone
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So I know we here at Startrekfandom love that "came back wrong but from the pov of the wrong" thing and apply it to many different characters and canon situations and I am far from trying to complain about it (I'm "came out wrong" trope myself so I was always gonna obsess over it) but having recently watched a very important episode (you'll know which one) for the first time I think there's a character who hits both tropes mentioned but llike, intertwined, opposite and subverted, and whom I wanna talk about.
Julian Bashir.
From his parents' pov he's "came out wrong but we got him help and he came back better" while from his own pov it's "came out 'insufficient', was destroyed for it, came back wrong and only later slowly came to terms with his new self tho never the process (justifiably so)" and it's heartbreaking because in a way, he's right! Jules Bashir died! His parents had an intellectually disabled child and decided to eugenics him! Julian is not the person he used to be and while I do love the person he is now, that doesn't bring back who he was! Part of me wishes we could've gotten to see Jules at least once and part of me hopes we never do because my heart would shatter.
This isn't a good comparison but nonetheless one I can't help drawing: it's giving similar vibes to anti-vaxxers. "I'd rather risk having a child who is dead than one who's autistic". Obviously this doesn't map over since Julian is still autistic and the procedure his parents subjected him to specifically targeted his intellectual disability and if any folks with id wanna comment on this I definitely recommend you listen to them over me, but it's a similarity I, as an autistic who has encountered anti-vaxxers again and again, can't help but point out. "Give me a normal child or give them death."
This may have been written about already but there needs to be stories about teenage Julian (after finding out and rediscovering who he was) practicing some good ol' recognition of the self through media. I need to hear about how he would encounter a story about someone who came back wrong (I'm gonna assume there's plenty of "wrong" pov stories floating around by the 24th century) and absolutely weep. I need to see Julian mourning Jules, taking years and years to process his feelings, experiencing guilt about how he, the imposter, didn't deserve to live Jules' life.
Came back wrong from the returned's pov but it wasn't an accident. It was done to you deliberately by the people who claim to love you. And now you are here, piloting the corpse of your predecessor.
Jules Bashir is dead. Long live Julian Bashir.
#i've called julian jules before simply as a normal nickname but i don't think i ever will again. not after this#and knowing that if it had been possible i would have probably gone the way jules did. knowing that at his age i would have gone willingly.#fuck dude i am literally actually crying literal tears irl right now this is not a joke#fuck!!!!!#julian bashir#jules bashir#doctor bashir i presume#came back wrong#star trek deep space nine#HE WAS SIX YEARS OLD!! HE WAS SIX YEARS OLD AND THEY KILLED HIM!!!!#i cannot stop crying i am literally crying and like not even just a little#i cannot... poor julian how the FUCK do you ever come to terms with something like that#and like... julian remembers. he has most if not all of jules' memories and also knows he was murdered simply for not being julian#like how did he cope#(im about to go off on a tangent that will contain censored names for the sake of not clogging those tags if you dont know who i mean hmu)#like this is literally the thing that fucked up j*ran so bad he went on a murder spree isn't it#he remembers the one who came before who was killed. very different circumstances of course esp since tr*ll are expected to replace one ano#another but he remembers this person he remembers BEING this person who was young and simply enjoying life and who died a sudden death and#he remembers the experience of that death as well and how it lead to his own creation. it's not remotely similar ofc but considering that#the only time we see t*rias in alpha canon is in julian's body... i need to lie down for a moment.#and jor*n couldn't cope! he couldn't! it was far too much and the weird thing is right now in this moment i GET it y'know?? like that's#so horrific. and i haven't watched any jo*an episode besides facets yet but do you think. do you think j*dzia told julian about all this an#he nodded along and kept composure and then when he was alone he broke down crying? like julian you're doing SO well ily you're coping and#you shouldn't have to obviously but you do nonetheless!! do you think julian still has something from jules? like i've heard there's a tedd#but i mean jules prolly didn't keep a diary he was a six year old with an intellectual disability it's pretty unlikely he could write but#does julian have drawings made by jules? i'd like to think so but honestly his parents probably threw them out. like they also moved so#sorry i'm just. many thoughts head full. ive stopped crying now but who knows for how long. also i'll have to tag this with my original tag#maybe i should've picked something less silly for when i make serious posts but like what am i gonna change my url as well? don't think so#original posts fresh from quark's pussy#and thats the tag limit folks it's been fun. i had to delete two other tags but my god. anyway. thinking about jules bashir forever & cryin
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