#listen. I started watching medical dramas to try and cope with some of my medical trauma

[filthytheodeckerkinnie]

TMA au that’s just a medical drama

[purplesurveys]

1250

Do you own any Funko Pop! figurines?  No. I had a brief period where I wanted to start collecting them SO BAD and often went to toy stores to gawk at the figures I felt like I needed to have; but I grew out of that and I don’t even really give Funkos a second glance whenever I see them anymore haha.

How many cats and dogs have you had as pets in your lifetime?  We’ve had one cat and two dogs.

Can your mom and/or dad play any instruments, or how about anyone else in your family?  My dad can play the guitar; he just absolutely never shows it off, not even if you lay out ten guitars in front of him. I think my mom played the piano as a kid.

Have you ever colored in an adult coloring book as a stress reliever?  Yeah, it was my coping mechanism from a few years ago. I don’t do it nearly as often anymore, but I still have my coloring books and pencils stored in my room just in case I randomly want to get back to the hobby.

Can you crack crab legs without a tool?  No, I ask my parents or grandparents to do it haha.

How many light sources are in the room you’re in?  There are two, but I only use one. I never switch on my main bedroom light as I hate how brightly white it is.

What’s your favorite thing to put on bagels?  I never get bagels so I don’t really have a clue what I prefer on them.

Who’s your favorite director?  Stanley Kubrick.

Bats: cute or gross?  Neither side of the spectrum; I just don’t think about bats.

What was the last really intense pain you felt?  I got a particularly vicious scratch from Cooper around a month ago that left a deep cut on my thigh. The scar is still visible and I think it’s going to remain that way for a while haha I don’t see it fading out anytime soon.

Would you rather vacation by a beach or a lake?  Both sound extremely pleasant but I’ll take the lake trip because I’ve never seen one, or stayed near one.

How would you feel about traveling abroad alone?  I honestly feel like it’s going to be that way for me moving forward. I’m okay with it, though. I feel like it would be very calming and empowering to be able to explore the world on my own.

What is your father's middle name?  He doesn’t have a second name.

Where did your last kiss take place?  Outside my house, by her car.

Which movie villain do you find the most terrifying?  I haven’t encountered anyone yet that truly terrified me.

If you married your favorite celebrity what would your last name be?  Kim, hahaha.

Do you stick your tongue out often in pictures?  I wouldn’t say so. I pull up the peace sign most often.

Which one of your family members are you closest to?  My sister and my eldest cousin on my mom’s side.

Would you rather have name brand shoes or name brand clothes?  Shoes. They stand out more.

Are you a good liar?  Yes. Doesn’t mean I enjoy lying and take advantage of that skill as much as possible.

Are you proud of your parents?  Sure.

If you could get backstage tickets to ANY concert - which would you pick?  Paramore. I think Hozier would be neat as fuck too.

Which is better: orange or grape soda?  I don’t like soda, so neither.

Was the last thing you ate hot or cold?  They are meant to be consumed while hot.

Who was the last person in your house who isn’t family?  Angela and Hans.

What color was the last swimsuit you wore? Pink.

Can you remember the last song you listened to?  I just tuned into a random lo-fi playlist, so I’m not familiar with the tracks and the artists who made them.

Have you ever been dumped really harshly?  Yes.

Can you do a back flip, or anything else of that sort?  Nope.

Do you have any exes you can’t stand anymore?  To a considerable extent.

What happened to cause you to feel that way about them?  She is extremely selfish and the biggest coward I’ve ever met.

Are you more of a phone or a computer person?  Laptop.

Do you have a job, and if so, where do you work?  Yeah, I work at a PR firm.

If not, do you want one?   

Do any medical afflictions run in your family? I know hypertension is kind of a thing on my mom’s side, but I don’t know if there are any other conditions I should know about. 

What’s your favorite Mexican dish?  Burritos and enchiladas.

Have you ever been to a professional sports game?  No, just collegiate-league ones.

Do you prefer pads, tampons or something else?  I use pads. I’ve never used a tampon or any other product, so there’s no basis for me to make a comparison and establish preferences.

Have you ever ordered a specially made cake from a cake shop? Yeppp, I got a customized cake for my birthday.

What months were you and your siblings born in?  My brother and I were born in April; my sister was born in September.

What did you have for dinner last night?  Barbecue chicken.

Have you ever had sex in/on a vehicle?  In, yes. Do people have sex ON cars??????

Do you do anything to groom your eyebrows?  I will shave extremely occasionally. Otherwise no, I don’t touch them.

Has your town ever flooded?  This time of the year, always.

Have you ever played at the McDonald’s play place?  Yup. I preferred Burger King’s playplace, though; it was lesser-known so there were fewer kids I was forced to play with.

Have you ever taken a picture of snow?  I’ve never even seen it.

Do you cry easily?  I can.

Are you happy with where you live?  It’s quiet and safe, which is nice; but I think at this point I would be a lot happier and would be able to grow a lot if I moved to a big city.

Do people ever mistake you for being a different race?  Not really; but as a general thought, it is an extremly big pet peeve when people only take into account East Asians when the topic of Asia comes up.

Do you hate the last person you kissed?  I don’t hate her. But I can’t stand her.

What genre is your favorite movie?  Drama, romance, a hint of comedy.

Who was the last person you were in a car with?  My mom and my siblings.

Do you like the picture on your license/I.D. card?  Yeah haha. I was allowed to smile on my license, so at least my photo doesn’t look gloomy.

When was the last time somebody hit on you?  Hasn’t happened in a while.

Was the last person you met a male or female?  For the first time? She’s a girl.

What brand is your underwear?  I don’t remember the name anymore.

What’s your favorite Thanksgiving food?  I don’t celebrate that.

Do you have a TV in your room?  Nah. I don’t really watch the TV anymore, and using the living room TV to watch YouTube videos is enough for me.

Are any of your electronics charging right now?  My laptop is constantly plugged in. My speaker is also charging at the moment.

What was the last video game you played?  I have no clue, it’s been forever.

What’s the biggest promise someone’s ever made to you? Did they keep it?  That they’ll always stay. I didn’t make her keep it; I was the one who moved on.

Google, Bing, or Yahoo?  Google.

What was the last song you had on repeat?  It’s been a while since I set a song on repeat. Maybe Film Out? If not that, maybe UGH!

Who is your favorite person to watch on YouTube?  Rhett and Link or the Try Guys.

How many college degrees do you want?�� I’m okay with the one I have.

Can you wink?  Yeah, but I’m substantially better at winking with my right eye than my left.

Do you own any jerseys?  I don’t think so.

Have you ever tried to snort Pixie Stix as a child, or even an adult?  No. I don’t even think I’ve had it ever.

Do you like going to baby showers? Do you go only for the cake?  I’ve never been to a baby shower. Not a thing here.

Has there ever been a time in your life, you felt sexually undecided?  I still am. I’m not bothered about it, though. Sex and who I have it with aren’t things I spend much time thinking about.

Do you think tattoos and piercings are sexy on the opposite sex?  Depends. It certainly suits some people better.

Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish?  No...I am the short person asking for help :)))))))

What color are the headphones you have at this moment in time?  I have black ones but I literally just took them off five minutes ago so I can transfer my music to the speaker I mentioned earlier.

Ever choked severely on something during lunch at your school?  I don’t think so.

Do you eat more vegetables or fruits? What’s your favorite fruit/veggie?  VEGETABLES. I love green beans, eggplants, and bell peppers the most. I can’t stand fruits, with the one exception of avocados.

What would you say is the color of your favorite bra?  Black.

Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway?  I don’t think so. 

What do you usually buy when you go to the dollar store?  We don’t have a dollar store, and that should be self-explanatory hah.

Ever peed in the pool? Be honest!  God no. That’s gross.

When you’re older, what kind of house do you want to live in?  Something modern and minimalist.

Where do you want to get married?  Idk, I’m pretty traditional when it comes to this. Booking an events place would be ideal for me; the only thing on my wishlist would probably be the fact that I hope my wedding could be held somewhere cold, like Baguio.

Do you plan on having both your parents at your wedding?  Uh yeah, sure.

What is your favorite childhood TV show? Spongebob.

Honestly, do you like school?  I liked it when I was granted more freedom to do things my own way, which is to say I really enjoyed college. But I didn’t mind school for the most part, especially since it meant being able to see my friends everyday.

Last thing that made you cry?  I was listening to a song that resonated a lot with me at that moment.

Honestly, are you keeping a big secret right now?  Nothing too big or life-changing to someone if they ever found out.

Last person you took a walk with?  Idk, that’s not an activity I tend to do with other people.

Have you ever liked someone who didn’t like you back? No.

Who was the last person to actually pick you up in the air?  My ex, probably.

Does any part of your body hurt?  My shoulders are constantly hurting these days. I really need to buy a new work chair :( 

If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a regret what would you do?  Million bucks. Easiest choice.

Can you keep a secret?  Sure.

Your favorite romantic movie?  The Proposal.

How do you feel about Valentine’s Day? I honestly like it, and I celebrated it when I was able to.

Who was the last person you took a picture with?  My sister and I took a silly selfie earlier.

Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them?  Some of the pairs I have do, but they’re meant to be ripped jeans.

Do you celebrate 420? Nope.

Have you ever kicked a vending machine?  I don’t think so. I barely use them.

How do you eat Oreos?  I just bite into them. No patience do the whole twist-lick thing. Sometimes I’ll dip them in milk, if we happen to have some.

Do you wear your shoes in the house?  That is a big no-no.

Would you survive in prison?  I might not.

Ever been to Georgia?  No for both state and country.

Do you get your hair cut every month?  No, just once a year. Which reminds me, I finalllllllly had my hair trimmed yesterday hahaha I got sick of my long-ass hair, which was starting to feel like a bitch to maintain. It’s only up to my shoulders now.

Current relationship in detail.  I am single...nothing much to share about it. I get to enjoy to spend my money on myself, which is my favorite part about it hahaha.

If you were kicked out of your house, who would you call/go to?  My grandma.

List things you spend money on in an average week.  Food delivery and nearly every week, merch. I’ve considerably calmed down on the latter, though.

Rate each of your sexual partners (if any) from 1-10.  I’ve only had one...I guess I’d give her a 9. A bit TMI but the oral could’ve been a little better.

Post the last FB group/page that you joined.  I was looking for FB groups for a work deliverable, but I had to join one of them to give it a better scan. I don’t remember which group it had been, though.

Would you parents be mad if you were in a relationship?  No. If they did, I would be very surprised they would still be meddling with a 23 year old’s life.

Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you?  I’m sure.

Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to?  I’m not now, so no.

What board games are you good at?  I’m quite terrible at all of them, tbh. It’s why I’ve always preferred to simply watch over my friends when they do play board or card games.

Is there a sport/hobby you keep thinking about taking up, but that you’ve never quite gotten around to starting?  Wakeboarding. Do you think pranks like egging/toilet-papering someone's house are funny or immature?  Immature.

Do you think “sleeve tattoos” are a good idea?  I’m not totally obsessed with the idea, but they do look good on people.

Is there anything in particular that your parents argue about? What? I don’t know. 100% of the time they are caused by my grown-ass mother throwing a petty-ass tantrum, so I could not care less about the things they fight about. 

Do you ever actually read the “Terms and Services” when you sign up for websites and such?  Nah.

If you have a handheld games console (a DS or GameBoy, for example), how often do you use it?  I haven’t used the Switch since last year.

Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for, what do you say?  Pick it up and wait for them to talk.

If your best friend was kicked out, would your parents let him/her live with you?  Probably not, knowing my mom – but I would do absolutely anything else to help.

Are you afraid of falling in love?  I guess you can say that, yeah. I’m not headed towards that feeling again anytime soon, though.

Is there anybody you wish you could be with right now?  I wish I was with my friends now.

Have you ever kissed someone & wished you didn’t?  No.

Did you get kissed last night?  Nope.

Do you enjoy going through a carwash?  Idk, I’ve never taken my car to one. That’s something my parents take charge of.

How did you get most of your scars?  Cooper.

Ever had to take an inkblot test? I haven’t.

Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn’t do?  Sure. Like back in high school when a group of friends had been caught cheating on our chemistry exam – and we were told that the entire batch would be given a formal warning. I was on the minority side that found the entire situation hilarious, because I know they wouldn’t dare mar the records of everyone else who took that stupid test honestly.

Have you ever seriously slapped someone in anger?  My brother, only because he put his hands on me first.

What/who woke you up this morning?  Just me.

Who was the last person to be in your bedroom besides you?  My mom, who always goes in there without knocking/warning.

What’s one of your locked text messages?  I don’t lock my texts and I’m not sure if that’s an available feature on my phone.

Have you ever finished a game of Monopoly?  I don’t even know how that game works lol.

Is there anyone you know who’s in any way paralyzed?  Yes.

The truth all comes out when someone is drunk, true?  I mean for the most part, yeah. It’s easier to be honest with a few drinks in you. 

When was the last time you felt disappointed in yourself?  Continued from the other day. Last week when I forgot about a virtual meeting and attended it 15 minutes after it started.

How about feeling disappointed in someone else?  Last Friday when I had to watch my dad treat a service crew member like shit.

For you, do you commonly feel more jealousy or envy?  Envy, I think. I don’t really feel jealous.

Do you rely on the heads/tails flipping of a coin sometimes for decisions?  Nope, but close. I’ll do eenie-meenie sometimes haha

Do you have any specific chores you do around the house?  Nothing I’m required to do but sometimes I’ll offer to wash the dishes or fold laundry.

For you, does comfort or fashion come first in dressing?  It’s like 70% fashion, 30% comfort. Looking nice makes me feel more comfortable lol.

Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other?  Not each other; the dislike was one-sided. Gabie hated Andi for whatever reason, which in hindsight already should’ve been a red flag.

Do you like Laffy Taffy?  No, I’ve never had one.

Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners?  Manual, only because I’ve never seen, much less use, an electric one.

Are your biceps at all noticeable?  Nah.

Have you ever seen a walrus?  It’s possible, but I don’t have very good memories of it if I have seen one.

Did you ever have one of those Easy Bake ovens as a kid?  Not a popular toy here.

Does your bathroom have a theme to it?  It doesn’t. I think that would be a little tacky tbh.

From inside of your house, how many doors lead outside?  Three. We have doors in the kitchen, dining room, and our main door by the living room.

Are there a lot of trees in your yard?  Not really.

Have you ever liked someone that treated you like crap?  Yes.

Have a best friend?  Yup.

Does it bother you when your best friend does stuff without you?  No? That’s pretty petty. Both Angela and Andi have big circles of friends and that would be stressful on my end if I made a fuss every time they hung out with anyone that isn’t me lol.

Is there a secret you’ve never told your parents?  A bunch. I don’t count them as confidantes.

Does anyone hate you? It’s possible but I don’t care enough to want to know.

What’s the one thing you regret more than anything?  Not breaking up with Gabie earlier, even though all the red flags were there.

Do you remember important dates?  For the most part, yeah.

What’s some lyrics from a song that means a lot to you?  “Dream, may all of creation be with you til the end of your life Dream, wherever you are, will welcome you Dream, may your trials end in full bloom Dream, though your beginnings might be humble, may the end be prosperous.”

Who gives the best advice?  Andi. They’re able to tell me advice I don’t want to hear but am supposed to be hearing, which I appreciate.

Who do you usually see in your dreams? :)  It’s a random cast every time.

What type of cake did you last eat?  It was carrot cake with a really good cream cheese frosting.

How many of your friends are gay or bisexual?  Almost all of them are...it’s easier to count friends who are straight.

What’s your favorite type of sandwich?  Anything with pulled pork in it tbh.

When was the last time someone asked you out? Did you accept or decline?  I’ve never been asked out.

Do you like The Offspring?  I know a couple of songs but I definitely can’t call myself a fan.

One pillow or two?  Two.

Do you like Mad Libs?  I’ve never tried playing it.

Are you suicidal?  Not lately. I haven’t been for a while, actually. I’m really happy about that.

Where do your grandparents live?  My paternal grandparents live in the south. My maternal grandma lives in the village right next to ours haha, so not far away at all.

Do you cut yourself?  Yeesh. Can’t questions like this come with a trigger warning? Anyway, no I haven’t in a while as well.

What is your pet’s name?  Kimi and Cooper.

Have you ever been to Canada? No, but I'd love to visit. < Same!

Aren’t babies overrated?  I think they are overrated in a sense that everyone always seems to want one of their own, but the circle gets extremely smaller when it comes to those who actually have the capacity to take proper care of an infant.

Have a built-in pool in your backyard?  No.

Ever won yourself a stuffed animal? Sure, in like claw games and whatnot.

Ever had someone else win you a stuffed animal?  No. I don’t really like stuffed toys lol.

Ever been to a circus?  Nope.

Ever shot animals? I have not.

Do you consider yourself intelligent?  I guess I’m booksmart more than anything else. I had good grades and can handle myself in arguments and debates...but I have my weaknesses in other aspects too, like street smarts lol.

Have you ever run away from home?  I had a period when I wanted to, but never pushed through with it.

Do you put family first, friends, relationships, school, or something else?  Work > friends > family.

What’s something you’ve stood up for in the past?  I always shoot my mom a glare as if to say “be careful of the line you’re crossing” whenever she makes a homophobic, sexist, or racist remark.

What’s something you worked extremely hard to get?  The healthy and stable mental disposition I find myself in these days. I would never give it up for anything ever again.

Are you satisfied with your body image?  I mean not fully, but I also don’t have any complaints.

Have you ever been labeled negatively or otherwise been called something extremely derogatory?  I’ve been called a bitch by this girl that was just a terror to be classmates with back in middle school. She was known to a big war freak and had her fair share of behavioral/anger issues, so it didn’t really affect me once I knew I was her next target. I didn’t encounter her again until college when we ended up attending the same university, and she’s changed a lot for the better.

Have you ever seriously taken advantage of someone or been taken advantage of?  The former, no. Yes to the latter.

Have you ever been seriously ill?  My fever last year really felt like the end of me lmao, so I guess yeah. 

Have you ever befriended a former enemy?  She wasn’t an enemy per se, but I just found myself immensely irritated by Sofie during our first few meetings; but then she ended up being one of my best friends for a time

If you’re not religious, would you ever pray as a last resort? If you are religious, do you often pray for other people?  I did in the past. I wouldn’t do so these days.

Have you ever dated someone, then after you dated they came out of the closet or switched (for lack of a better word) sexual orientation?  That hasn’t happened to me.

Has a boy/girl ever walked a ridiculous distance just to see you? How about vice versa?  I think once? My ex was brewing a surprise for me for Valentine’s Day last year and to cut the long story short, she essentially walked a crazy long distance in my school to make the surprise a success. My university is huge and even I prefer to take my car whenever I have to go from one building to another, so I definitely saw the effort she had put in.

When was the last time you felt really uncomfortable?  Right now. It’s really humid and my electric fan isn’t really doing anything to curb the heat :/

Is there anything that your mom is really known for as to how she is as a person?  She is very uptight.

Who have you been talking to the most today?  My co-workers, albeit virtually.

Are you nosy?  Nah. I won’t really press and will wait for people to open up.

What’s the meanest thing you have done to a friend?  I don’t do mean things to my friends.

If your ex called you crying, what would it most likely be about?  Fuck if I know. Her pride is way up in the sky for her to do something like this.

Who was the best kisser out of all the people you have kissed?  I’ve only kissed one person.

Have you ever been told that you have an annoying laugh?  I don’t think so. It would be etched in my head if I was ever told this.

[lightsandlostbells]

wtFOCK season 3, episode 5 reaction

This whole episode I kept doing that Marge Simpson groan. You know, the one that’s like tight-lipped and this low, exasperated mmm from deep in the throat? That was me constantly.

Episode 5

Clip 1 - Jens gives Robbe sex advice

Robbe texts his mom and says to her he can’t visit, lying that it’s because he’s sick. One repeated element that does exist in this season is Robbe listening to music on his headphones, which is him retreating into himself, or using music to cope. The song lyrics reflect that: “I used to feel so alone, now I’m feeling better on my own.”

Since I’ve been trying to think of ways to rewrite this season, they could expand Robbe using music as a coping strategy even further. Music should have been something that Robbe bonds with Sander over. And not just Sander’s recommendation of Bowie, either, which is all they’ve done so far - it seems like Robbe should give recs or insight as well. Talk about how important music is to him with Sander. Make it a serious point in their developing relationship.

Jens skates up and talks to Robbe. Robbe wants to get high, but Jens doesn’t have weed with him at the moment. He asks Robbe if he’s thought about the Brrrothers, because they’re not the same without Robbe. Robbe snaps and turns away from him, then lies and says his bad mood is about Noor. Jens has already heard that they’re fighting.

Jens’ talk to Robbe, knowing that Noor wants to have sex and Robbe doesn’t, is actually pretty sweet. Even though he doesn’t understand the real reason why Robbe doesn’t want to, his talk is thoughtful and not shaming Robbe for being a nervous virgin, it’s considerate of him. Considering the Brrrothers have been obnoxious about sex and girls all season, this was a refreshing change. One question I do have is how Jens knew that Noor wanted sex and Robbe didn’t, but I guess it was implied that this explanation was part of the rumor mill. 

Of course, the downside is that Jens’ advice prompts Robbe to text Noor about how he misses her and wants to meet up. Bad, Robbe! I don’t know if Jens’ talk encouraged Robbe to text her because Robbe was like “Yeah, I’m supposed to like Noor, better get back on that,” or because maybe he genuinely told himself, “I just don’t want to have sex with her because I’m nervous, yeah, that must be it,” and decided to just move forward with it. 

I do like drama that comes from characters trying to be helpful but unintentionally saying or doing the wrong thing - that’s what happens in the locker room scene with Isak and Even. When Isak says he’s better off without mentally ill people in his life, he’s telling Even this as a way of saying that his mother won’t cause problems for them, he doesn’t care what she’ll think of them dating. So taken on its own, I think this scene is fine.

HOWEVER. The pacing of this season is again, SO SO weird, because this scene would have fit right in around episodes 2-3? Right after Robbe tried and failed to have sex with Noor, you know ... the first time? Or the second, or the third? Like … have it be in line with Isak’s episode 3 sexuality crisis, all the “why does he have to be so gay” stuff. It would’ve worked well to have this talk at like, the beginning of episode 3, and then have Robbe making the “that guy is so gay” comment as an unintentional result of this - by trying to convince himself he is just straight and nervous and distancing himself from being gay. We had three entire scenes of Robbe failing to fuck Noor, so narratively, why did we need to wait this long for Jens to talk to him about it? 

Clip 2 - AGAIN?

Robbe invites Noor over to bone. He’s lit about a million candles and is trying to make this a big romantic deal, except lmao, he has on David Bowie’s Life on Mars … Robbe … what u doing���

Actually, I’m not sure if this is diegetic music or not, if Robbe is blasting Bowie from his phone as mood music or if he’s only hearing this song inside his head. I think we’re definitely meant to take away that Robbe is hearing the song since it gets distorted as he slinks down Noor’s body, and that it’s not just there for the audience. In either case, Sander is supposedly the shadow hanging over this sad hetero affair.

Tbh listening to Life on Mars is the best part of this season and I wish I could just like … listen to this song play against a black screen instead of watching poorly written, repetitive clips.

They start to get it on and he takes off her shirt, unhooks her bra, yadda yadda, he doesn’t look happy but he soldiers on and it’s implied they went All The Way. On the one hand, I will rage if they actually had sex. On the other hand, if they don’t, it’s yet another clip where the same shit happens, Robbe tries to bang Noor and fails.. 

Clip 3 - Robbe’s not turned on by Noor and this is BRAND NEW INFORMATION

… okay, so he didn’t have sex with her AGAIN? He couldn’t get it up?

For fuck’s sake. I mean, on the one hand I’m glad it was actually Robbe’s choice (apparently) to put a stop to the sex instead of like, someone else walking in and interrupting yet again, but on the other hand, I feel like we have done this scene SO MUCH. We KNOW. About the only thing that’s changed I guess is that Robbe kissed a boy and now he’s trying to be straight? If this was only like the second time this scene had happened, it would have been fine.

I just don’t have a coherent idea of Robbe’s arc. This season is going in circles. 

Anyway, Robbe couldn’t get it up, Noor is sympathetic, she asks if it’s her, Robbe says she’s amazing, he looks sad and haunted blah blah we’ve already seen this play out.

Why were these separate clips? In the first clip, we have Robbe seemingly determined to have sex with Noor, and then in the second, he can’t get it up. So why not SHOW THE MOMENT OF CHANGE? Are these filmmakers on drugs? This is storytelling 101. Like there’s no reason to split up these clips except to cause a bit of anxiety if you happen to be able to watch the clips at the exact time they’re posted, and from a real-time perspective I get it, but that’s ineffective for the vast majority of people who will have to watch later and then will watch these two clips together at the same time. I mean, the fact that it’s not even 10 minutes in between clips … just SHOW THE WHOLE SCENE. Holy fuck. How are they this incompetent?

The pacing of the scenes themselves is so weird. So many of the clips are oddly short, we don’t NEED them to be split into parts. It makes me really appreciate Julie’s pacing: Skam S3 episodes had 4-6 clips each, and in those clips, we got rich scenes packed with details, often multi-tasking within different story threads. wtFOCK’s pacing is simplistic and choppy and unnecessary.

Clip 4 - Milan gives Robbe a pep talk

Robbe is Googling erectile dysfunction which is honestly kind of funny (but again, probably would have been a better fit for earlier in this season, before Robbe had already kissed a dude ...) Milan comes in wanting advice on two shirts, Robbe is annoyed.

Milan tries to get Robbe to talk to him. It takes some prodding (and I do like how Robbe is swiveling in his chair and not looking at Milan) but Robbe admits there’s a guy who likes him and, after Milan asks, admits that it’s mutual. 

Tbh … I don’t find it so hard to believe that Robbe opened up to Milan even though they’re not anywhere as close as Eskild and Isak, because I do think another gay guy is a “safe” person to talk to about this situation and I can see Robbe doing it. What I do NOT get is why, here and now, Robbe is now openly admitting it. Why did we go from Robbe trying to fuck a girl and, before that, calling the boy he kissed a pervert and a homophobic slur, to admitting his attraction for a boy? Why the sudden turnaround? Based on the clips themselves, all we have to go off as a turning point is that he couldn’t fuck Noor, BUT this is nothing new for either Robbe and the audience, AND not being able to fuck a girl does not actually mean that Robbe would be able to fuck a guy, or that he’s into guys, and it especially doesn’t mean that Robbe would accept that he likes a guy.  I mean, he’s Googling “erectile dysfunction” not “am I gay?” which tbh seems still more like denial than anything. He’s blaming his lack of arousal on a medical issue, not his sexuality.

This scene would feel more true to me if Robbe was like, downplaying his side of it, or playing it off as only Sander had feelings and it wasn’t requited. That’s more in line with the characterization we have just been given, that Robbe is denying his attraction to Sander.

Another way would be to not split up the sex clip and to show like, Robbe flashing back to his kiss with Sander while he’s making out with Noor, so we get that it’s not just that he’s not into Noor, it’s that he’s very into Sander, and we see him grudgingly admit to himself that yes, he’s attracted to Sander (at the very least.) which would make it believable that he admits it to Milan. Cause and effect, etc.

MIlan is like, are you so nervous to tell me you have a crush on another guy (...????? um, yes, Milan, you have to know it’s hard to come out???) but is pretty supportive and says Robbe’s lucky to have him, Milan would have wanted himself when he was going through this. Robbe is just like, I don’t know what I feel and I want everything to be normal, there’s too much shit going on right now. Milan says Robbe IS normal and he doesn’t want to bottle up who he is, the pressure will get too real and he’ll explode, he’ll hurt people. Robbe seems to take this advice seriously, so hopefully this scene will actually lead to cause + effect.

Again, this scene is fine on its own? There’s just something about the pacing of the season as a whole that feels strange.

I don’t know if this is supposed to be the equivalent of the Pride clip, because Robbe doesn’t say anything offensive and Milan didn’t get upset. Milan’s advice is good about not pushing away who you really are, but there’s nothing specifically confronting internalized homophobia, which Robbe desperately needs seeing as he’s had some extremely homophobic outbursts. I think it’s a shame to lose that part of the scene, because it’s got a very pointed and urgent message. (EDIT from the future: We got the Pride clip later in the episode, so that’s good.)

Clip 5 - Robbe tells Jens he likes someone else

Robbe is sitting on the sidelines listening to music again. Jens comes over and asks how things are, Robbe says he took his advice with Noor and Jens is happy that he’s a matchmaker. Robbe is like no, there’s someone else. He says he thought it would go away, but it didn’t. 

For a moment it seems like this might be a sudden coming out scene, but Jens finally asks who it is and Robbe clams up and finds it hard to get out. Jens asks if she goes to their school. Robbe is saved by Moyo wanting to play a game against some guys.

This is some plausible conflict, at the very least, Robbe not being able to tell his friends that he’s into a guy. It would have been way better to focus on this instead of Robbe flinging a slur at Sander. Robbe’s friends seem like the clearest explanation for his internalized homophobia. 

Now Jens needs to follow up on this development, or else turn in his Jonas card. Because there’s dropping the subject if he senses Robbe doesn’t want to tell him yet, and then there’s forgetting about the subject because Jens isn’t that engaged with what’s happening with Robbe, and unfortunately the latter vibe has come across far more than the first. Like why does it seem like Jens is always walking away?

Clip 6 - Robbe breaks up with Noor

Old Town Road is playing as Noor meets Robbe in a cafe. One thing I do notice is that there are a fair amount of gay musicians on the soundtrack this season, so that’s cool.

Robbe is stressed because we can tell he’s gonna try to break up with Noor. He doesn’t order anything to eat. Noor is sympathetic about him not getting it up with her, but Robbe says he needs some time for himself, he has so much shit on his mind. Noor says she can help with that, he’s like nah, Noor is crying and reaching for him desperately. He gets up and walks out.

L O L I heard all about how Robbe supposedly handled this better than Isak, and I mean … on the one hand, I certainly agree that he did Noor a solid by officially breaking up with her and not just running away from her in the hallway. But er ... first of all, Robbe went wayyyyyyyyy farther with Noor than Isak EVER did with Emma. Robbe and Noor had an actual relationship for what, a month? Isak and Emma made out twice and flirted a bit. They were not exclusively, seriously dating. So yeah, Noor is owed this breakup. 

Second, Robbe still cheated on her with Sander before he broke up with her. The fact that they were naked while they made out in the pool frankly adds an on-screen sexual element to the cheating. And technically Isak making out with Even in the pool was not cheating … for sure it was a dick move to lead on Emma and then ditch her like that, I’m not going to say it was NBD, but like I said, they weren’t exclusively dating. I mean, in all my years of Skam fandom, it’s pretty rare that I’ve heard anyone refer to what Isak did as cheating - it’s usually talked about differently than Even cheating on Sonja. Robbe and Sander BOTH cheated on their girlfriends here. 

Third, it’s nice he did this with Noor but lmao, kinda small potatoes considering what Robbe said to Sander. 

Fourth, Robbe just gets up and leaves while she’s crying, lol. He let her order soup and then he ditched her! That’s cold as ice! Bro, you need to stick around until she tells you to leave, or you needed to pick a breakup location where both of you can leave ASAP without someone coming by with the meal you ordered.

And to be clear, I don’t think Robbe not handling this perfectly makes him a terrible person or anything. It’s more the comparison to Isak with how Isak is supposedly worse and Robbe is much nicer. Nah.

Sucks for Noor and all, but whyyyy are they making the Emma character so tragic and emphasizing this het relationship so much? We don’t even end the clip on Robbe’s POV. Because how he feels about this breakup doesn’t matter, I guess. Does he feel guilty? Free? Unsure? Conflicted? IDK because we close on her, not him! I’m sorry, but it’s not her season!

I mentioned this in an earlier reaction but I’m just super tired of gay storylines that have this intense focus on how much someone being gay hurts a straight person. I believe I mentioned Love, Victor as a prominent example, because Victor’s relationship with his girlfriend seemingly gets more screen time than the relationship with his actual male love interest. And I get why this storyline is relevant to a coming out arc, of course I do, but it really bugs me when the het relationship seems to overshadow the gay relationship, as it does here. At this point I feel like Robbe/Noor has been given equal plot relevance as Robbe/Sander, if not more, and that should not be the case. It’s not about shipping, it’s about wanting a story about a gay kid’s journey of self-acceptance to focus more on the life-changing love story that is the catalyst for embracing his sexuality, than the fake passion-less relationship that is doomed to failure that is just a momentary stumble in said journey of self-acceptance. There is no need to demonize Noor, but there is actually a middle ground between treating her with respect and empathy and making her the real victim of this story.

This narrative choice also does not exist in a vacuum. It is completely fair to be skeptical of the prioritization of a het relationship over a gay one. It’s fair to wonder why we’ve gotten multiple scenes of Robbe getting hot and heavy with a girl, why Robbe spends a pivotal clip being so sad about Noor that he doesn’t seem to really notice or care that he’s alone with the guy he supposedly likes. 

I mean, fuck, Robbe seems more upset about hurting Noor’s feelings by breaking up with her for legitimate reasons than he does about hurting Sander’s feelings by calling him a f*g and accusing him of sexual assault.

Clip 7 - Robbe tries to speak with Sander

Robbe goes to school (not his school, Sander’s) and asks where the art room is. He’s in a way better mood, a spring in his step, but LMAO you better pray that Sander actually wants to talk to you rather than kick your ass or avoid you for all eternity because of what you said to him.

Sander is sketching a nude male model. Robbe seems happy just to see him. He walks away and goes to the bathroom, fixes his hair, stares in the mirror, takes a deep breath. Then he goes up to Sander after the bell rings. Robbe wants to talk, Sander is not having it and walks away. Robbe is sad, angsty music plays. 

Uhhhhh, serves you right? No offense but I can’t even feel sad for Robbe in this scenario, because what he did crossed a line. Internalized homophobia is a hell of a drug, but there’s such a difference between Robbe just denying that the kiss meant anything or blaming it on being drunk or whatever, and essentially accusing Sander of sexual assault and calling him a slur. It’s not an ignorant mistake, it’s a malicious one. I feel bad that Robbe ever had such self-hatred that he made those comments in the first place and I certainly don’t hate him or think he should be forever alone, but it is 100% understandable why Sander would not want to speak to him after that.

Also, going up to Sander at his school was not the best move, because he’s basically ambushing him. Sander doesn’t have a choice whether to deal with Robbe in that moment. It would’ve been better if Robbe sent him some kind of apology text or voicemail first and left it up to Sander whether he wanted to meet. I get that’s not as good for televised dramaaaa, but it’s kinder to Sander. (And if Sander doesn’t respond, or if he’s blocked Robbe, well, those are just consequences of Robbe’s actions that he’ll have to live with.)  EDIT: Robbe actually did contact Sander first via text, wanting to meet up so he could explain. That does make it somewhat better, although I still think he shouldn’t have approached him at school. If Sander doesn’t want to talk to you? Then give him space. Maybe he’ll be willing to hear you out in time, or maybe he’ll decide he’s better off without you, but Robbe’s the one who did something wrong and it’s not up to Robbe whether Sander forgives him.

Clip 8 - Robbe and Sander make up and kiss

Angsty music keeps playing as Robbe walks home. He sees a mom and her kids playing, more sadness presumably due to his own family troubles.

Sander has followed him and says he has five minutes. Robbe’s like “Why don’t you want to talk?” LMAO IDK ROBBE, WHAT COULD IT BE. 

Robbe says he’s sorry and that he loves Sander. LMAO WHAT. Is this a nuance of translation where “I love you” isn’t as strong as it is in English? Are you kidding me? 

First of all … he LOVES Sander when they’ve barely interacted? They’ve spoken only a handful of times. Hell, they only met in episode 3, and this is episode 5. It’s been like two weeks since they’ve met, and while I could buy that some ships fell in love in that short of time, this is sure as fuck not one of them.

Second … Robbe goes from shoving Sander and calling him horrible things and trying to fuck Noor, to professing his love for Sander, WITHIN DAYS? And this is the character who’s supposed to have a big coming out arc? What is nuance, what is good writing, what is a coherent idea of this character’s struggles with his sexuality and himself... The talk with Milan might convince Robbe to accept his feelings, but it would make way more sense if Robbe was more tentative about them. He doesn’t need to come out swinging the big epic declarations in order to accept his romantic interest in Sander.

Like this isn’t even based on what I personally think is believable for a romance, this is based on what wtFOCK has told me about this character! They made the choice to make him say more viciously homophobic things. They made the choice to have him go back to Noor and try to have sex with her for the millionth time.

I’m glad that Sander doesn’t buy the confession at first, at least. 

Robbe says that he was really fucked up and hat Sander is the first dude. There is a cute moment where he’s like “that kiss (mimes fireworks)” but then things went Chernobyl. Would have been great if we saw exactly what made him go Chernobyl and make him regret the kiss. He says he’s sorry but asks for one more chance.

Sander steps in, leans in for a kiss. “What about Chernobyl?” “Fuck Chernobyl.” They kiss, it’s really sweet, but lol they’re kissing in public??? Robbe is ok with this?? I just have abso-fucking-lutely no idea where this kid’s head is. Like ... how is he so cool with this considering where he was just days ago? Apparently Robbe’s internalized homophobia was so extreme that he was all “get away from me f*g” toward Sander with no clear catalyst, but also not so extreme that it couldn’t be fixed with a pep talk from Milan? Okay!

This scene would have been totally fine if Robbe’s mistake was less cruel and amounted to blocking Sander or telling him to stay away or w/e. It doesn’t feel satisfying for what Robbe actually did say.

Also, sigh, because Sander did forgive Robbe just like that, and I don’t buy it. I mean, if anything, it makes me sad for Sander. I want to tell him that he deserves better. I suppose I can buy this as part of his fear that no one will ever love him, that he’s desperate to be accepted and loved and so is quick to forgive.

It would have made more sense for Robbe to have a longer period of self-reflection, have him come out to his friends, etc. and then reunite with Sander an episode or so later, similar to how Isak and Even reunited at the end of episode 7. Or to have Sander take some time before letting Robbe talk to him, during which Robbe works on his own issues.

Sander gets a call from Britt, which he ignores, saying Britt’s the past, he and Robbe are the future (as the song lyrics talk about the future and the past … they’re going pretty on the nose this season. Fine by me, OG was also on the nose.) Lmao but Robbe has no right to be upset about Britt after he explicitly told Sander to stay away. I mean, it’s dubious of Sander to keep dating her after cheating, but he also thought Robbe was no longer an option sooo don’t be surprised Sander is still with her, dude.

Sander goes to meet Britt, but not before some make outs, some handholding. I think their chemistry is good! It’s just that I don’t really buy the depth of this relationship. It legit makes me sad that these actors are getting served this half-assed material. 

Clip 9 - Zoë gets a letter

Robbe goes home and gets a text from Sander, with a sketch of them, saying their kiss was Chernobyl. Well, that’s cute.

Milan is telling Zoë about seeing some straight-looking dude on the bus who melted when Milan looked at him. Robbe is in a good mood and is gonna do the cooking. Milan observes that he’s happy and asks if things went well with his (Robbe looks toward Zoë) “lovely girlfriend”. At least Milan covered for him! (EDIT from the future: Ahahaha, funny considering how casually people out Robbe this season...) 

Robbe hands Zoë some mail that turns out to do with Viktor, the apparent Nikolai in this version, about the case going to court. She has to testify. She is upset and walks out of the kitchen.

I complained a bit about Zoë/Senne drama taking up time in Robbe’s season, but to be clear, I have no problem with them following up on this plot point from S2. It’s a hugely important story. But I also think it works best if you integrate it into Robbe’s story, by drawing a parallel to their situations, finding a common theme, etc. And it depends on whether Robbe’s story is otherwise satisfactory, because if the writing is pretty tight, I’m not really bothered by digressions in other characters’ subplots. 

Clip 10 - Robbe and Sander get cozy

Oh hey, it’s the big cuddling clip! Robbe and Sander goof off, pillow fight, smoke a joint, make out. Mostly make out. Sander shows Robbe a sketch of him (Robbe) and implies how good it would look on a wall (big). 

Robbe’s fave actor is Leonardo DiCaprio, because hasn’t Sander seen Romeo + Juliet? It’s fucking beautiful.

Man, on the one hand, sick Skam reference, and it’s just a simple, cute little nod to OG, not something complicated. I can dig that. But on the other hand, now I’m annoyed at how Isak got all of this beautiful development and watching R+J actually meant something for his character, and Robbe has absolutely nothing like that. Stuff like the fact it’s Robbe who likes R+J instead of Sander, WHICH IS FINE, but like … doesn’t say anything about Robbe’s view on masculinity or w/e, doesn’t do much for his characterization.

Sander takes pics of Robbe. Their chemistry is cute. Once again I despair at gifted actors being given subpar material leading up to this clip.

LMAO at them copying the dialogue from OG, Sander being all life is like a movie. Again, irrationally annoyed because this dialogue MEANT something to Even. Even was a huge film buff and an aspiring director. Sander hasn’t mentioned movies at all, he’s into art and David Bowie and photography. So why not have Sander quote some Bowie lyrics that explain his thoughts on life? Mention what art means to him? Personalize this dialogue so that it’s specific to Sander. Or, if you’re going to borrow this chunk of dialogue, at least establish Sander as a film enthusiast prior to this clip.

Also that Isak brought up the multiverse theory because he was smart and inquisitive, but I have no idea who the fuck Robbe is. Does this make sense with Robbe’s prior characterization? Shrug.

I do like the multiverse reference to Spider-Man because HELL YEAH Into the Spider-Verse!!! Fucking masterpiece! I could be watching that for the 20th time instead of the upcoming gay-bashing hate crime.

I do like Sander’s acting in this scene and his reaction, how the music (“Ocean Eyes”) stops when Sander starts talking about multiverse theory. His dialogue is a little different here than OG, about thinking about what he’s done and wondering why he thinks something, his thoughts never stop, which fits in with bipolar disorder.

Robbe notices he’s a little agitated, Sander says the only way to stop your thoughts is from dying. So I guess we’re putting in the suicidal thoughts in this version?

���Sometimes I forget how young you are.” Are they the same age in this version? Lmao. It’s a joke so it’s not a big deal.

Robbe starts kissing him and asks when Sander fell for him. Sander is like, before you! When Robbe was spraying the graffiti he knew Robbe was the one. Robbe is like … you were there??

I mean. this is cute and all, but doesn’t it kinda take away from later events, if Sander goes back to Britt, then like … knowing Sander has been Pining All Along should create way less doubt in Robbe’s mind? When Even went back to Sonja, there was room for actual doubt in Isak’s mind (and the audience’s) about the sincerity of Even’s feelings. I think people forgot that the “I saw you the first day of school” moment at the end of the season was a surprise. I was in the fandom and I don’t think a lot of people thought Even had fallen for Isak that early. So Robbe now knows that Sander fell for him well before they even talked, doesn’t that remove some of the tension about Sander’s motives? I suppose it depends on how the story goes from here, but if it’s similar to OG, then I think it slightly lessens the ambiguity and tension.

Also, another reason why it would have been good to actually see the graffiti scene play out in episode 1… and to see what Robbe tagged on the wall … come on. COME ONNNN. Let’s see what got Sander’s attention! Did Robbe create something funny or clever or insightful? Wouldn’t that have been a great detail to show their connection? This is basic storytelling, hello? 

I guess if I’m being fair, we don’t know exactly what Even saw in Isak that first day of school, either. But then again, we didn’t see the first day of school in a clip, while we definitely saw the graffiti scene. Just a missed opportunity, IMO.

They kiss and Sander gets a text from Britt. According to Sander, he told Britt about him and Robbe, but she doesn’t believe him, which is what I assumed of Sonja too, btw. At least, that’s what I thought at Emma’s party where she initiated the kiss with Even. Sander says Britt is so controlling. Robbe seems uncertain.

Sander says there’s probably another universe where Sander is still with Britt, but he’s glad to be in this universe. I do like this part.

Clip 11 - Milan schools Robbe on Pride

Robbe’s alarm goes off in the morning. He smiles a bit, though, presumably because he’s got Sander in his life. He gets a good morning text from Sander, which is cute and makes him smile more. Goes into the bathroom and Milan is there. Sander texts Robbe that he’s been thinking about him in all universes, Robbe is happy.

Milan is like, when can I meet your boyfriend??? Robbe says soon. Awww, this interaction is pretty sweet. Milan is like, welcome to the club! You know, “our” club meaning dudes who like dudes.

Robbe is like, just because I’m with Sander doesn’t mean I belong to some club, I’m not like you. Milan is like … and how am I? Robbe gives the usual Isak-ish response of dressing up and talking about BJs, Milan gets upset. Robbe says there’s nothing wrong with being gay but when people think of being gay, they think of that and it’s not fair to those who aren’t like that. Robbe’s not going to put on leather pants and dance at pride just because he likes Sander!

Milan gets very upset and goes into the Pride speech. I always appreciate this scene and I’m grateful that it’s one thing the remakes don’t really fuck with, since it’s so important (I think the remakes all recognize that it’s amazing, heh). 

Senne wanting to use the bathroom is kind of a jarring thing, they should’ve just let the moment sink in.

Robbe takes a Good Hard Look at himself in the mirror which is on the nose but like, better than nothing. I think there was a mirror earlier in the season? I confess that I’m so hung up on the basic writing fumbles that I might be missing stuff that’s actually supposed to be symbolic.

Anyway, all things considered, I think they did fine with this clip. Robbe coming out to Milan earlier in the episode did help pave the way for this talk since they didn’t have the close relationship as Isak and Eskild. Like, any issues I might have with it are related to the bigger issues in the season, but on its own, I felt like it was decent, and the “welcome to the club” comment is something I can believe Milan would say and something that would make Robbe reply with a boneheaded comment.

Clip 12 - This fucking scene

Robbe and Sander flirt in a bar and get touchy-feely with each other. For some baffling choice, we start with some rap/hip-hop song and then it cuts to “Two Men In Love” by The Irrepressibles … like … you could just start the clip with that song instead of this weird non-transition?

They kiss and then move outside the bar and then kiss and cuddle some more (again … I ask, where did Robbe’s boldness with gay PDA come from ...) Robbe jumps on Sander for a piggyback ride. They kiss passionately in the street.

Ahahahahahahahahah HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAA FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Some homophobes spot them and call them slurs. Robbe and Sander try to grab their bikes and quickly leave. The bigots manage to grab them and beat the shit out of them. It’s really brutal, like we get POV shots from the ground as the guys kick them. The guys call them f****ts once more before leaving Robbe and Sander crumpled on the ground in the fetal position. The wheels on the bike go round and round.

I mean … where do you even start.

OK, I’ll start here: worst decision made in a Skam S3 remake yet.

“Yeah, Skam season 3 was a masterpiece and all, but you know what I could have used more of? Violent gay-bashing,” said no one ever.

I don’t get triggered by media, not really, but boy am I glad I was spoiled for this. Because I do get fucking angry at media. And I’m angry now, but if I was watching this unspoiled? Man, I would’ve popped a couple of blood vessels. And I feel so, so sorry for people who watched this unprepared and were triggered. Because yeah, it is a remake and not 100% like the original, you can’t predict everything that will happen. But this isn’t something that you expect in S3, because you expect the writers to know enough to leave this shit out. This isn’t made with kind intentions for the audience, it’s made for shock value.

Consider that the WHOLE POINT of this very, very short clip is the hate crime, btw. It’s like two minutes long! They dropped a clip just for a cute kissing montage and then to interrupt it with a brutal beating! Something about that makes it even more repugnant than if it were like … a long involved scene about something else, and this happened. IDK, something about it feels even more tasteless, like this beating is their cinematic setpiece.

The first-person POV of the beating = not necessary. Like of ALL the fucking times in your season to actually give a shit about the importance of POV, lmao. This isn’t a video game. I’m not shooting zombies or getting jumped by bandits.

Remember when Skam faded to black on Noora’s blackout? And cut away from Even walking naked out of the hotel? Yeah, there are plot and POV reasons for those, but they were also ways to respect the audience and not include pointlessly triggering, exploitative material. 

There’s just so much to say about this bad choice that I’m at a loss. Why did we need to go here? In particular, why did we need to go here knowing how the rest of the season plays out? Because for me, that’s what clinches this as a terrible decision. This isn’t a shitty scene with a satisfying follow-up. The resolution - or non-resolution, as it turns out - of this plot development is what exposes wtFOCK’s true character.

There is an AMAZING Evak vid set to Two Men In Love and I recommend you watch it to get the bad taste out of your mouth from this scene.

HOW I WOULD REWRITE THIS EPISODE:

Sigh.

This is just textbook bad writing for coming out stories, not to mention packed full of tired cliches.

Closeted gay guy is violently homophobic (Robbe calls his love interest homophobic slurs and accuses him of being a pervert) - I’m sorry but I am so tired of the “dating your bully” trope and this is what it fell into for me. Why should Sander take back Robbe after that? After Sander told Robbe he was afraid no one would ever love him? 

Gay-bashing For The Drama, to make sure you know homophobia is bad, really bad.

Overemphasis on the heterosexual love interest (“love interest”) and how it’s hurtful to her, like I get that it’s a delicate topic with not demonizing her, but I always feel like there is SO much interest on straight characters in these stories! It’s not about them!

The hate crime has to go. Really. What is even the POINT of it in this particular story? As if there wasn’t enough angst in S3? Especially if you consider: they wasted a few episodes on repetitive nonsense. Their pacing is fucked up. And now you have to insert this monumentally offensive storyline and its fallout into a season already full of problems? Next.

Okay, I will offer ONE way to incorporate the hate crime, and that is simple: Make the rest of the season about the fallout. Similar to Noora’s season with her assault, dive deep into the trauma, spend a few episodes with Robbe and Sander recovering, telling their friends about it, going to the police about it. Cut back on other drama from S3. Don’t fuck around with Sander going back to Britt, unless you tie it in directly to him being afraid to date a guy after the hate crime. Don’t fuck around with Noor outing Robbe considering he has enough shit on his plate. If you want to bring her back, make her support him through the trauma. Honestly? Don’t fuck around with the hotel incident. Like I truly hate to lose Sander’s mental illness as a vital part of the season, but adding a full-blown manic episode on top of gay-bashing is way too much misery porn. I think you could probably show how the hate crime and resulting trauma affect Sander’s mental state without pushing it into full-blown wandering the streets naked while manic. 

Do I particularly like this plot? I mean, no, not compared to the original, and I feel like this is better off as its own thing rather than a S3 adaptation. But at the very least, I can see the attempt to take the hate crime seriously. You cannot just throw in this type of scenario to shake things up and leave it at that. This show is specifically made for teenagers, to take their struggles seriously and to give them positive examples of how to handle problems. If you prioritize the violent act itself because it’s dramatic and shocking, rather than the recovery (because that’s like, boring and uninteresting, amirite), then you’ve shown your ass. You don’t understand the purpose or the appeal of Skam in the first place.

Jumping ahead, I think this is exactly where wtFOCK exposes its true intentions. wtFOCK does not care about helping vulnerable teenagers find solutions to tough problems. wtFOCK does not care about healing or educating. wtFOCK is about shaking the audience so hard that viewers get whiplash. If wtFOCK gave a shit about helping the audience, the rest of the season would focus on Robbe and Sander dealing with the assault, giving them options to report it, showing them ways to cope with the trauma. Things that might help audience members who unfortunately also found themselves victims of hate crimes or homophobic violence. Those are not present in the rest of the season. It’s just a fucking soap opera. 

If you MUST have a homophobic incident to go with your dark ‘n’ edgy season, you can still limit it to some assholes yelling homophobic slurs without resorting to violence. That’s bad enough, and it did happen to Isak and Even later in the series. Even if you decide you MUST have a violent angle to this incident for whatever reason, I don’t fucking know why but OK, you don’t need to film it in this super exploitative manner where our heroes are getting viciously beaten on the ground. But there are so many ways to incorporate external homophobia without this shit.

Wouldn’t this dreadful scene make more sense at least if it had happened after the pool kiss? Like they go out a few days later, the hate crime happens, and then THAT’s why Robbe pushes away Sander and calls him names? Because now he’s afraid and he’s internalized what the bigots said? It’s tragic and gross, but at least there’s some character-driven logic in that sequence of events.

Another thing that really doesn’t work is that they’re straying so far from the original script, but at the same time they keep jamming in scenes from the original, except there isn’t the same buildup. Or any buildup, sometimes. This results in an incoherent mess of a season and of a POV character, where Robbe is part-Robbe, part-Isak.

I think all the remakes do this to a degree: there are certain beats they feel they must hit, and they hit them even though they’re off course. You need to commit either to doing a mostly faithful adaptation of the original, or to doing a remake with your own spin on the characters, but you need to be very, very careful not to just haplessly mix ‘n’ match the two. Does a scene from OG make sense within this remake universe? No? Then drop it, rewrite it, do what you need to do, just don’t carelessly recreate it if it doesn’t fit.

The way they’re writing Jens is bizarre because he seems to care enough about Robbe to ask him how he’s doing, but also not care enough to stick around and listen once the next shiny thing comes along. From the beginning they’ve set up the friendship tension with the boy squad as not just Robbe’s fault, but as a failure of his friends to pay attention as well. Like in the first episode Robbe is trying to talk to them and they just ditch him! They really need to make Jens more aware of how he himself has messed up with his friend, and not act like this is all Robbe’s doing.

We don’t need another Noor blue balls scene, thank you, bye. But if we keep this one, then we absolutely needed to see what exactly made Robbe stop in the act of sex with her, such as him flashing back to his kiss with Sander. Or even just letting us see him make the decision, because goddamn, what’s with wtFOCK not letting this young actor actually act out some of the meatiest material?

Overall, give Robbe more baby steps in his personal development, and not unbelievable leaps and changes in his behavior because the plot demands them.

I did try to think of a way to incorporate much of the same material from this week, including a hate crime, in a way that made more sense and was not ridiculously OTT or offensive. It’s hard because I really think you need to go back to the beginning of the season, but here’s what I came up with, borrowing some elements from the last episode as well.

Robbe wakes up the night after kissing Sander. He’s happy and glowing, he sees a cute text from Sander and smiles. Then he goes to the kitchen and Milan is there with a black eye or something, he’s talking to Zoë and Senne, maybe they’re tending to his injuries. Robbe asks what happened. Milan had a date last night and some homophobes started giving them a hard time, Milan wasn’t having it, punches were thrown. Milan is very shaken and upset. So is Robbe, who panics. Is this what he has to look forward to if he’s dating a gay? Will people harass him just for being out with his boyfriend? The implications of what it means to be a gay person in this world hit him really hard. He looks at Sander’s text again and ignores him and possibly blocks him. At some point we will establish that Robbe is also ignoring texts/calls from everyone else, too: Noor, Jens, his mom...

Sander shows up the next day outside Robbe’s place after Robbe has been ignoring him. He tries to talk to Robbe, but Robbe is freaked out and visibly nervous, his eyes darting around - he’s paranoid now about being seen with Sander, due to Milan’s incident. He’s worried about being a target for homophobic violence, understandably so. Sander doesn’t realize that Robbe’s frightened, however, and keeps talking and being nice. Robbe tries to play off the other night as just him being drunk, it was a mistake. When Sander physically gets too close to Robbe, Robbe yells that he’s not gay and runs inside, leaving Sander alone.

Robbe encounters Milan at home alone. Milan is still bruised from the homophobic incident. Milan is unusually subdued. Robbe says he’s sorry for what happened to Milan, it’s terrible. Robbe then sticks his foot in his mouth by saying something well-intentioned but hurtful and ignorant about how maybe Milan shouldn’t be so gay in public or w/e, since that will just attract homophobes, and that not all gay people act like Milan (meaning flamboyant, etc.) Milan gets really, really upset and snaps at Robbe about how gay people have been beaten and killed for just being who they are - basically a version of the Pride speech with a somewhat different context - and that it takes bravery and strength, Robbe doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. So that ends on a bad note for them.

Now trying to get out of the house since he’s fought with Milan, Robbe meets up with Jens, or maybe Jens finds him at the park or whatever. Jens comments on how it’s been a while since they’ve talked. Robbe says he was just worried about what the guys would say since he blew up at them previously. Jens is like, dude, we’re your friends. You have to talk to the people who care about you, you can’t just ghost them and avoid facing your problems. Robbe takes this advice to heart. Jens tells Robbe that he’s ready to listen when Robbe wants to talk.  Maybe Robbe sees something that reminds him of Sander, like graffiti on a building, and despite his fears, we can see that he really misses Sander, and that his feelings for Sander are stronger than his fears.

Next he meets up with Noor. She’s really upset that he’s been ignoring her. He apologizes and a version of the breakup scene goes down. When Robbe leaves, we see him walk away with a conflicted expression. Sorry that he’s hurt Noor, but understanding that this was the right call, and relief that he doesn’t have to pretend any more. 

Robbe sees Milan again and apologizes for what he said last time. Milan accepts his apology. Robbe admits that he’s been confused lately because he likes a guy and he doesn’t know what that makes him. Milan says something like that’s great Robbe likes a guy and that Robbe doesn’t need to label himself right now, he should just follow his heart. Maybe that liking boys is scary (Milan points to his black eye) and sometimes you need to be careful, but at the end of the day, Milan has to be himself and live his life honestly, and so does Robbe. After Milan leaves, Robbe takes out his phone and texts Sander saying he wants to talk.

Sander meets Robbe somewhere and Robbe apologizes for ignoring him, says he freaked out because that was the first time he kissed a guy, but now he’s made up his mind that he wants to be with Sander. They kiss and make up, yayyyyy.

This is by no means a perfect solution (like the thought of then going into the shit with Britt next episode on top of this makes my head hurt), this is just an attempt to include stuff like homophobic violence, Robbe’s ghosting Sander, scenes with Jens and Noor, etc. in a way that makes a little more linear sense to me and doesn’t feel as haphazard, and isn’t super triggering or exploitative. I think if you have a hate crime happening to Robbe himself, that really needs to be the main focus from here on out, for at least a few episodes; if you have something off-screen happening to another character, you can address the topic of violent homophobia without having it dominate the season or featuring triggering scenes. And hopefully it would still have some emotional impact, because we see how it affects Milan, and some clear consequences for character development, because we see how it affects Robbe, as the situation he may find himself in one day.

If I missed anything, cultural notes, translation nuances, let me know!

[youarejesting]

Quarantine.22

[Masterlist] Pairing: BTS x reader Friends2Lovers But as slow as you can go until the anticipation kills us all… Genres: friendship, drama, romance SLOWEST OF BURNS BUT IT WILL BE BURNING AN ETERNAL FLAME!!! Rating: PG-13 and above Summary: Your brother works with a few BigHit dance teams and whilst having permission to accompany him at work the city shuts down banning anyone from stepping outside for a whole WEEK while they disinfect the streets. If you step outside you might get arrested, shot or poisoned by the chemicals they are emitting through the city. Words: 1.k Announcement: I again haven’t edited this yet I tried to look at the other one and tried to fix a few obvious mistakes but I really hate looking back on my work haha only forward. This chapter is dedicated to @seesawsmin-flower​ who left some really funny and positive gifs on my last chapter. Things are actually going down these next chapters so prepare yourself or perish.

[Part 1]  [Part 21] [Part 23] [Tag Yourself Here]

Once you were certain that Myunghee was safe until morning you suited up and raced back to the health clinic. The doctor was unpacking and repacking your bag, explaining what you should do to help Jungkook when you see him. You were watching him, it was strange after the boys had broke you down it was like all the color had been stripped from the world and you were in a black and white universe, but slowly the colors were returning. After helping deliver your new goddaughter Choonhee, the world appeared to have tiny flecks of color if you concentrated hard enough.

“Are you listening?” The doctor asked looking at your face, you couldn’t help hugging him. He had done so much for you and you were truly grateful. “Are you okay?” “Thank you Doctor Chang Min-Jun, for everything, You helped me so much” “I am not dying” he laughed awkwardly patting your back and started explaining the steps again.

He sent you off with a pat on the head and a smile, he didn’t know what had changed your demeanor but he wasn’t going to question it. Taking off on the bike you headed through the city wishing to feel the wind in your hair but unable because of the suits. You radioed your position to the BigHit building before you took the turn onto the street and began speeding towards the entrance.

Passing dark shadowed figures in the street who started yelling and radioing. Thankfully they had opened the glass door covering their faces as you rode in on the motorized scooter pulling the wagon behind.

You stripped out of the suit and looked at them, they seemed tired it was almost three in the morning and there was still another hour before the sun rose. “Where is he?” Speaking entirely in Korean had them shocked and you had to stifle a smile. They gestured to the elevator dumbstruck and you walked over the staff racing after you confused.

As the elevator doors closed you couldn’t help but stare at your reflection, it looked a little gaunt compared to a week ago. The dark circles under your eyes were not a good match for your complexion, appearing like deep bruises. You kind of wished you had taken a shower and perhaps brushed through your hair, but you reminded yourself you were beautiful and unique and you don’t need to impress anyone. Because if you want someone to truly like you for who you were, it wasn’t about playing a role and changing for them it was about being yourself and being accepted.

The doors opened and you headed into the hall your feet already leading you to the BTS meeting room only to find it empty, the staff were confused. It was a strange pull in your chest, an inkling or dare you say, hope that pulled you back to the elevator and press the button for the basement. The doors closed on the staff and you headed down until you reached the familiar white corridor.

The fluorescent lights are a cool tone and the slight burn your eyes as you step out into the hallway, you head along feet feeling heavy. Biting your lip nervously, what were you supposed to say, how would they act you weren’t sure. “Just act professional, you can do this, this is your job”

Before you could even grab the door handle you heard them talking, “Jungkook is still in the shower, should we get him out?” If you said you didn’t miss RM’s voice you would be lying, even laced with worry, it was still deep and smooth and eloquent as you remember. 

“It is probably best to leave him be, the cold water is numbing his shoulder” Seokjin sighed, he sounded tired the complex nuances in his voice were too hard for you to decipher without seeing his expressions. 

You knew you should definitely go in there and announce your arrival but you just didn’t instead you turned to the bathroom and stepped inside, walking down the line of stalls until you reached the shower cubicle. Quickly peeking to see if he was naked before you barged in. Jungkook was standing there in his dark jeans under the jets of cold water, his fingernails and lips had turned blue and his body was shivering. “Jungkook, are you okay? I have some morphine, it will help your shoulder” you whispered and he turned looking down at you through wet bangs, he looked like he was on the verge of tears. 

Taking out your things you started prepping the morphine the doctor gave you one small bottle which would be equivalent to two doses so you gave him exactly one dose. He looked at you and you smiled at him trying not to appear nervous but he held your free hand and ran his thumb over the knuckles. You took a deep breath and did exactly what the doctor had taught you in your advanced first aid. Doctor Chang had been super nice even when you blew two of the veins in the back of his hand and on in his inner elbow before you got it correct. He didn’t wince and the vein didn’t balloon so you took that as a positive sign.

“You should feel it start to work within two minutes and it should peak at twenty, if by any chance you fee-” He pushed you against the tiled wall under the rain of the freezing cold shower. His lips pressed to yours, you shivered against him, trying to warm him up by wrapping your arms against him. As much as you told yourself to stop him, you thought perhaps this was how he was coping with the stress and if it kept him calm while the medication started working you were happy to assist him. Kissing Jungkook was like you were floating it was like an underwater paradise and you were completely submerged by the emotion he was revealing to you. He rolled his hip forward moaning quietly into your mouth and your eyes flew open, you were suppose to be professional. Not kissing your patients. You gently moved him back careful of his arm.

“Jungkook, we have to get you dressed so I can take you back to the clinic and have your shoulder fixed” You walked into the nearby stall, in the bottom of your bag you always carried a spare outfit, a tip from doctor chang, in case you have any unwanted spills or fluids on your clothes. Once dressed you led him to the elevator. Again you knew you should let the boys know that you were taking Jungkook but right now, with his cold hand holding tightly to yours, he became your top priority. The elevator ride was full of awkward stares he opened and closed his mouth but was unable to form a coherent sentence. You guided him into the suit, avoiding any strain on his dislocated arm and helped him lay down in the blue wagon. 

You took off out the door and up the street, you took a different escape route and headed to the clinic. You tried to make the journey as smooth and quick for Jungkook as possible. A shot fired past your ear and you swore moving faster and heading down a side street. You were glad Jungkook was in the wagon and not sitting behind you on the scooter. You couldn’t imagine him in pain, it hurt you too much.

There were more shots sounding off, none of them reaching you, but definitely in your direction, you parked quickly in the clinic garage and pulled Jungkook inside quickly.

[Part 1]  [Part 21] [Part 23] [Tag Yourself Here]

Tags: @bubbletae7​ @lovemusicandotps​ @taetaebq​ @seveniefive​ @w0lfqu33n​ @anaiss97​ @moccahobi​ @maddymal​ @lilacdreams-00​ @lethargicalyssa​ @knjkitten​ @pieislife​ @bunnyboyenthusiast​  @vividwoosan​ @seesawsmin-flower​ @tinyunknownflower​ @gguksfilter​ @fawnzilla​

[tabloidtoc]

Globe, November 9

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Prince Andrew fails lie detector -- new crisis rocks the palace 

Page 2: Up Front & Personal -- Bruno Toniolo shirtless, Heidi Pratt at a pumpkin patch in L.A., Jacqueline Bisset catches some rays in L.A. 

Page 3: Larry David leaves an L.A. office, Ellen Pompeo, Pete Wentz 

Page 4: Kathie Lee Gifford is talking to NBC bigwigs about coming back to Today and they’re hot over the idea but Hoda Kotb is not pleased and Jenna Bush Hager is feeling threatened because Jenna never really grabbed the audience like Kathie Lee did, Martha Stewart and Gwyneth Paltrow are heading into the holidays trash-talking each other even more than usual and their pals have nowhere to hide -- they’re snippier than ever and can’t get through the week without saying something crass but the trouble is they have the same friends and they use some of the same chefs and caterers and crew -- all their friends in the Hamptons including the Seinfelds and Beyonce and Jay-Z and Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley and Rachael Ray are trying to keep out of it but it’s impossible because Martha and Gwyneth are both screaming for loyalty 

Page 5: Legal hotshot and writer Jeffrey Toobin has been shelved by the New Yorker magazine for showing off his willie to co-workers during a Zoom conference call -- witnesses say Toobin was masturbating but he insists it was a blooper

Page 6: Dolly Parton was so lovestruck when she met Elvis Presley that she nearly chucked her marriage and career to shack up with Elvis -- Dolly is ready to tell all about Elvis after decades of protecting her husband Carl Dean and Elvis’ only child Lisa Marie Presley -- Dolly was in her late 20s and Elvis was in his late 30s when they had their sizzling encounter where she got dolled up to meet Elvis in a Nashville office and discuss working together and he wanted to do a duet but she didn’t trust herself to work with him and she didn’t even let Elvis do a cover of her song I Will Always Love You -- even though Dolly didn’t actually cheat on Carl she sure was tempted and she’s felt guilty about it ever since 

Page 8: Just two weeks after splitting with his wife of 14 years former Home Improvement kid Zachery Ty Bryan was arrested and jailed on charges of trying to strangle a terrified galpal -- after a night of partying where he was photographed surrounded by four gals with an iced bottle of vodka at the table Zachery reportedly got into a heated clash with his galpal and she claims Zachery grabbed her by the throat and squeezed then tried to snatch her phone when she attempted to call 911 so she ran to a neighbor’s home where she hid while cops were called 

Page 9: Distressed Kelly Clarkson and her two toddlers are in therapy to help cope with the anguish brought on by her divorce from Brandon Blackstock -- the talk show host is especially struggling because the split is playing out so publicly and the kids are seeing things about their mom on TV and she feels immense guilt about the divorce but knows it was the best decision because she wasn’t happy married to Brandon though she did try but staying in a marriage just for the kids wasn’t an option for her -- Kelly was deeply wounded when her father-in-law Narvel Blackstock’s management company recently sued her for $1.4 million in alleged unpaid commissions but she’s speaking with her ex privately in an effort to resolve the issue out of court but Kelly suspects he’s using it as a bargaining chip for a bigger settlement and also feels he’s using the kids against her as a weapon 

Page 10: Showbiz legend Michelle Phillips has become a shut-in who sits home alone tippling wine while watching movies on TV and listening to her hits from The Mamas & the Papas where she is the last surviving member of the band -- she’s sad the rest are all gone  and she’ll put on a record and sit in the dark; she misses them and so many other people -- she’s become a shut-in due to the pandemic and can’t bear for people to see her so old and haggard and overweight and all those years of partying have done their damage to her once-beautiful face -- she also hasn’t been able to see her young grandson and she’s grieving the loss of her longtime lover who died in 2017 

Page 11: Baywatch hunk Jeremy Jackson’s cover girl ex-wife has been found homeless wandering California’s mean streets in worn and shabby clothes -- lost for two years Loni Willison is now virtually unrecognizable with missing teeth and her long blond tresses cropped short -- she was found pushing a grocery cart filled with her battered possessions in Venice -- despite her tragic situation she insists she’d doing fine and doesn’t want help despite reportedly having drug and mental health issues 

Page 12: Celebrity Buzz -- Rita Ora in a see-through frock (picture), Lily James got caught brazenly canoodling with the very much married Dominic West who plays her father in the BBC miniseries The Pursuit of Love, just weeks after Cardi B filed to dissolve her marriage to Offset she’s put the split on hold and all it took was Offset to spend bucks on a heart-tugging Sunset Strip billboard and a Rolls-Royce and a Hermes Birkin bag, Kate Hudson’s getting loose-lipped about gross snotty smooches with her leading man Matthew McConaughey 

Page 13: Vinny Guadagnino eating in Beverly Hills (picture), Kaitlyn Bristowe has a puffy trout pout (picture), Shia LaBeouf doesn’t let an apparent injury keep him from getting out and about in Pasadena (picture), Alanis Morissette says the fame that came with her 1995 revenge song You Oughta Know wasn’t so sweet but instead was an isolating experience 

Page 14: Nicole Kidman is starring opposite Hugh Grant in the thriller series The Undoing but she really wanted to plays Hugh’s love interest in Notting Hill except she wasn’t well-known enough, Reba McEntire has landed herself a brand new TV show which is a modernized Fried Green Tomatoes drama series in which she’ll play the present-day Idgie Threadgoode, Fashion Verdict -- Regina King 8/10, Isabelle Huppert 2/10, Queen Maxima 5/10, Tracee Ellis Ross 9/10, Cher 4/10 

Page 16: How John F. Kennedy stole the White House from Richard Nixon -- Chicago mob rigged the 1960 vote and cheated Nixon out of the presidency 

Page 19: True Crime 

Page 21: Parkinson’s patient Alan Alda is refusing to slow down at age 84 and friends fear the fragile M*A*S*H legend is headed for a devastating health crisis and he’s busier now than he ever was even during his sitcom days and he bravely says he lives with it by staying active but medication can only do so much and his friends and family including wife Arlene are worried he’s pushing himself too hard, teary-eyed Ringo Starr confesses his last conversation with dying Beatles bandmate George Harrison was heartbreaking and unforgettable -- Ringo wanted to stay with George until the end but his daughter Lee had been diagnosed with a brain tumor and Ringo had to rush to Boston to see her and when Ringo told George he had to go to Boston George said D’ya want me to come wit’ ya? so even on his death bed George made his best buddy smile while both faced unspeakable grief 

Page 22: 10 Things You Don’t Know About S. Epatha Merkerson, Today show host Hoda Kotb reveals Frank Sinatra Jr. was the show’s worst guest because he clammed up instead of touting a book about his famous dad in 2015, Khloe Kardashian confesses she once worked as Nicole Richie’s personal assistant because she just needed a job and they went to school together -- Nicole’s reality career crashed in 2007 which was the same year Khloe’s series started

Page 24: Cover Story -- Disgraced Prince Andrew has flunked a lie detector test on his close relationship with murdered American pedophile Jeffrey Epstein and now the rogue royal insists he’ll never cooperate with the FBI for fear his testimony will land him behind bars but Queen Elizabeth’s favorite son has his back against the wall as new evidence surfaces on both sides of the Atlantic -- Andrew is terrified newly released secret testimony from Epstein’s accused madam Ghislaine Maxwell is just the tip of the iceberg of what she’s prepared to reveal and Maxwell’s revelations detailing her twisted sex life come on the heels of an explosive new British book accusing Andrew of attending debauched events with Epstein where teenage girls were parading around topless -- even though friends close to Andrew say he did nothing wrong and has no reason to fear the prince may not have a choice about spilling his guts because the fed-up royal family is threatening to cut off the cash-strapped rogue unless he plays ball 

Page 25: Prince Andrew has been banished from the gift shop at his mother’s Balmoral Castle -- tourists can still purchase postcards her Her Majesty’s kids Prince Charles and Princess Anne and Prince Edward but Prince Andrew has disappeared which is a sure sign that Andrew is in the doghouse since items featuring Elizabeth’s beloved corgis are still up for sale 

Page 26: Health Report 

Page 27: Dirtiest places on planes exposed 

Page 30: Serial sleaze Matt Lauer’s ready to pop the question to girlfriend Shamin Abas over the holidays and he hopes for a brighter future with her a year after his 20-year marriage to Annette Roque ended in divorce -- Matt showers Shamin her with gifts and wants to buy a house on the East Coast where they can make new memories and Matt’s hinted he’s already bought the ring and plans to propose by New Year’s and he hopes to have a celeb-studded wedding at their new home, Kathleen Turner will be back at Michael Douglas’ throat as his acid ex in The Kominsky Method to fill the hole left by Alan Arkin who abruptly pulled out of the third and final season of the show

Page 35: Matthew McConaughey’s father predicted he’d die while making love to his wife and he did, desperate to turn back time Marie Osmond is going whole hog on a head-to-toe makeover -- Marie is no stranger to cosmetic fixes and she is considering a slew of procedures to get a new look that’ll knock ‘em out including everything from Botox and fillers to face-lift to boob job and lipo-sculpting to enhance her waistline -- the makeover is motivated by revenge because she’s bitter over recently being pushed off her co-host gig on The Talk and now she’s counting on a younger look to land her a plum new TV gig 

Page 38: Real Life Monsters 

Page 39: Kris Jenner blames social media for ending the 14-year run of Keeping Up with the Kardashians because when the show started there was no Instagram or Snapchat or other social media platforms but now she gripes that now there are so many the viewer doesn’t have to wait three or four months to see an episode but instead information spreads online in real time, Phil Collins’ ex-wife has traded him in for a 31-year-old guitarist who never managed to make much noise in the music industry -- Phil was furious when he heard Orianne Cevey married Tom Bates in Las Vegas, Black Panther star Chadwick Boseman died without a will according to his widow -- Taylor Simone Ledward filed a probate case in L.A. asking a judge to name her administrator of Boseman’s estimated $938,500 estate with limited authority

Page 44: Straight Talk -- Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s daughter Rumer Willis claims posing for raunchy bondage shots proves she’s a liberated woman free from sexual stereotypes but it’s not that simple 

Page 45: Jeff Bridges is battling non-Hodgkin lymphoma which is a rampaging cancer that often spreads through the body to the liver and bone marrow and lungs -- while the cancer can be deadly experts say the five-year survival rate is 73 percent 

[saibh29]

Minor Head Trauma (Part 1)

Pairing: Will Halstead x Reader 

Warnings: Swearing, a little bit of medical jargon

AN: I’m not a doctor by any stretch and although a did a brief bit of googling on head trauma I’m sure i’ve made horrible mistakes so excuse me for that. 

When an old friend of Ethan Choi’s ends up in Chicago Med’s ED she’s about to make life very difficult for Will Halstead. 

********

“I do not need to be here” you grouched, folding your arms across your chest and glaring at Nolan who was stood smirking at you from the far corner of the ED cubicle. The junior Officer and your long term friend was finding far too much enjoyment in your misery.  “I slipped. I hit my head; my skull is fairly fucking thick I’ve been told this numerous times. I’ll be fine”

That made Nolan snort in laughter. The doctor who unfortunately for him had gotten landed with you as a patient simply looked confused. He’d introduced himself earlier as Dr Halstead, when this farce of a medical drama had begun.

“British huh Miss Y/L/N?”

“Last time I checked Dr Halstead. What about you, red head, so…Irish? A while back considering the accent is fairly standard American and boring?”

“Miss Y/L/N, if you could follow the light please” apparently, he’d simply chosen to ignore your sarcasm. He held up the tiny pen torch in front of your eyes moving it back and forth. Despite your sarcastic words you did as you were told and followed the light.

“This is ridiculous and a waste of time” you muttered still doing as he asked.

The fact you were finally being a good patient was why you happened to be looking through the small gap in the curtains at exactly the moment a ghost appeared before them.

“Holy Fuck!”

“Boss?”

Nolan knew that tone and his whole body had gone on high alert, pushing off the wall he stood upright searching for whatever it was that had put that sound in your voice. You however, had gone somewhere else, entirely transported back to memories of years ago. You pushed away Dr Halstead jumping off the bed and going straight for the curtains.

“Miss Y/L/N? Miss Y/L/N…?”

You pushed the curtains entirely away and found a broad back walking away from you towards another set of curtains, staring at a chart in his right hand.

“CHOI”

He stopped as if he’d been stunned and slowly spun looking for whoever it was who had called his name in a voice he’d equally thought to never hear again. His eyes found you and he jerked like he’d been shot.

“Miss Y/L/N…” Dr Halstead had followed you out of the cubicle and almost run into your back when you’d abruptly stopped for seemingly no reason.

“Miss?” Ethan had walked over as well “You left?”

“No. I didn’t leave”

“You two know each other?” Halstead flicked his eyes between the two of you.

“I know her… Y/N what are you doing here?”

“I hit my head; Nolan dragged me here” you summarised.

Ethan went back to focusing on Dr Halstead “what are her symptoms?”

“Minor head wound, no visible sign of further trauma”

“Hah!” you looked around Halstead and back towards where Nolan was still stood “See you idiot. I told you I was fine and did not need to be in the ED. Next time fucking listen to your commanding officer”

“Commanding officer?” now poor Dr Halstead really did look completely lost.

“Oh yeah, I knew I was forgetting something, head wound and all, it’s not miss, Dr Halstead”

“It’s not Miss? So, what is it?”

“It’s Captain” Ethan answered for you. “It’s Captain Y/L/N”

That made them all look over at you once more, you shrugged. Your military rank was something you were familiar enough with to not pay attention to anymore. What you were paying attention to though was the fact that the edges of your vision had suddenly begun to blur. That was not a good sign at all, nor was the spinning that was accompanying the blurriness.

“Uh… Dr Halstead” you reached over, not really sure what you were reaching for but hoping to find something to steady yourself with. “I, um, I don’t think…”

Your hand hadn’t found anything to hold onto and you couldn’t stay up right any longer, swaying sideways you started to go over. Halstead being the closest to you grabbed you before you hit the ground and ended up with one more head wound. “Y/L/N... Y/L/N?” he was hovering over the top of you. “Captain Y/L/N? Can you hear me?”

“Y/N?”

“Boss?”

There was a lot of people all calling your name, a lot of people all wanting your attention to be on them. You however were struggling to focus on anyone or anything, the blurriness that had previously simply been around the edges was now filming over your entire eyes.

You truly did want to answer the constant questions but your body wasn’t responding in a way you wanted it to. In fact, it wasn’t responding at all and with a final random thought of just how red Halstead’s hair was you slipped into complete blackness.  

 ***********

When you finally came too once more you were laying down in a bed, there were wires attached to your chest and a rather annoying constant beeping sound from just above the right side of your head.

Your eyes flickered open and you found Nolan sat beside you scrolling down his phone.

“Nolan?”

He jerked, head shooting up to stare at you. “Boss? You’re awake! You feel alright?”

“What happened Nolan?”

He smirked “you just went over Boss, fainted away into the good doctor’s arms”

Fuck, that was going to come back to haunt you, there was no way Nolan was going to keep that quiet and whether you were ill or not the story would be spun in such a way that had you falling into Dr Halstead’s arms like some sort of 19th century damsel.

“Great” trying to navigate the abundant wires attached to you, you got your knees pulled further up to your chest. “Any word on why I fainted?”

“Fuck if I know, I ain’t a doctor”

“Nolan, seriously…” if you hadn’t already had a headache Nolan would be giving you one right now. “Will you please be helpful for once in your life, go and find me a Doctor who does know something and do it right now” Nolan’s mouth opened and you cut him off. “Any jokes on Doctors and fainting that come out of your mouth right now will get you serious one on one time with me and a certain assault course”

Nolan flinched at that and closed his mouth, “sure thing Boss” he left to go and find a doctor.

Your head was still pounding but the blurriness had thank god started to dissipate. Your vision was back and the nausea felt more like you’d drank a whole bottle of red wine on your own rather than you were stuck in a washing machine without an exit.

“Captain Y/L/N, nice to see you awake once more” Dr Halstead was back.

“I fainted”

It was a statement not a question but Dr Halstead nodded anyway. “You did”

“Why did I faint?”

“That minor trauma to your ‘thick skulled’ head. Not so minor”

“Trying to be sarcastic Doctor?”

Halstead smiled at you coming over to stand beside your bed. “Not at all Captain Y/L/N”

You didn’t believe him for a second but were willing to let it go considering the fact that you were a little concerned about the point that he had said your ‘minor’ head trauma wasn’t exactly so minor. “So, not so minor?”

“The point of impact on your skull, here” he gently pushed your hair to one side so he could look at the small cut on the side of your head where you’d landed. “you hit it harder than anyone thought, the CT scan came back, it shows you have a subdural hematoma. A bleed on your brain”

“My brain is bleeding?” that did not sound in anyway good. “How do we stop it bleeding?”

“Most hematoma’s stop on their own, your bleed is small, localised. We’ll admit you overnight to monitor you but it should be that taking a few weeks rest will be enough for it to heal up on it’s own”

“A few weeks?”

“Maybe more”

“No” shaking your head turned out to be the wrong decision as it made your vision swim in a most unhelpful way, bringing a hand up to your head you tried to stop the spinning. “I can’t be in this bed for longer than today. I need to be back…”

“That’s not happening Captain”

“You don’t understand”

“I understand that if I let you leave here and the bleed gets worse then you’ll be looking at a lot more than a few weeks in bed. How does major Neurosurgery sound?”

“Anyone ever tell you that you have a shitty bedside manner Dr Halstead”

“It’s been mentioned”

The fact that he was keeping up with your acerbic tongue actually defused quite a lot of your frustration and actually made you smile instead. You put your hand down from your head and instead wrapped them around your still drawn up knees. You wondered how Dr Halstead was going to cope with the coming storm he’d create by keeping you in this hospital.

“I’ll need to make some calls”

“You don’t have a phone?”

“Oh, I do…” reaching over you got your hand tangled in the multitude of wires, something started beeping incessantly and you cursed in frustration.

Dr Halstead grabbed your hand to stop you pulling anymore wires out, then trying to mask his own smile at your clumsiness he carefully untangled you putting your hand safely back down on the bed.

“here” he picked up your bag and handed it over to you.

“Thanks” you rooted out your phone which was flashing angrily with what was no doubt hundreds of missed calls and messages. “What did you call this thing in my head again Doc?”

“A subdural hematoma”

“Subdural hematoma. Got it” you grinned in what you hoped was a friendly manner at the good doctor. “So, who do I say it is that’s ordering this bed rest?”

“Will Halstead”

“Will… William?”

“William”

“Good to know” you unlocked your phone as Dr Halstead continued to watch you carefully. “Dr William Halstead” the poor doctor was seriously going to regret his luck in being assigned your case this morning.

“Captain Y/L/N?”

“Y/N”

“Excuse me?”

“Its Y/N, you don’t have to keep calling me Captain Y/L/N, and before you get chance to finish that question, I'm on a short-term deployment with the rest of my unit to the Great Lakes training area. I know Ethan Choi from well before that, a previous deployment and Nolan who has vanished somewhere that I'm not to curious about right now is my junior officer. Anything I missed?”  

“I think that was quite comprehensive, you did miss off one quite important point though”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“How’s your head feeling?”

You guessed that probably was quite an important question for the doctor to be asking. “Better than before. I can only see one of you again which is semi-disappointing but probably healthier”

“Oh I don’t know, even one of me can be quite interesting Captain” there was a knowing smile on his face that told you he knew exactly what he was insinuating and he’d done it on purpose.

“I don’t doubt it Doctor Halstead. I don’t doubt it at all” in your hand your phone started buzzing angrily at you once more, the name on the screen simply said General and was one you really shouldn’t ignore anymore. It was only going to make this whole situation ten times worse. “I should answer”

“I’ll be back to check on you later”

“I hope you will”

With a final smile Dr Halstead left you alone once more as you took another glance at your phone screen. You could almost feel anger and irritation coming through the small device.

Sighing you slide the button across to connect the call and held the phone to your ear.

“Captain Y/L/N where the hell are you and where is my information?”

“Nice to hear from you too Dad”

TBC.....

@clementines-x​ @the-chosen-one-time-lord​ @no-other-names-availible-blog​ @angelaiswriting​ @selldraug​ @angryares​ @thenovarose​ @georgiagrl1990​ @punk-rock-5-sos @mindofthescattered​  @dontstopxx​ @iamabeautifulperson18​ @madelinecraig03​ @ka-x-in​ @im-hurric4ne @mesmericbell​ @something--awesome @weirdpotato-14​ @putinontheritzz​ @soulslaststand​ @fuckthatfeeling​  @ember1201​ @morganlb23​ @kitkatbadass @tomhopperarms​  @fakingintrest​ @artprincessbree​  @dreamer-lover-laughter​ @artprincessbree​ @rime-warrior​ @captainvaneswife​ @jaib2-blog @kapolisradomthoughts​ @thingsandstuffienjoy​ @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked​ @aya-fay​  @itsbubbaog​ @hp-hogwartsexpress​ @emmykinzs​ @thatbadassunicorn​ @sassywingednightmare​ @weirdnewbie​ @goyawriter​ @shipperfangirling​ @nathaliabakes​ @stillreadingfantasy​

[scorpiosanssexy]

Hi there! HQ!! Matchup, please? I'm a straight, 5'3 Gemini ENFP girl who's slightly chubby with tan skin, black wavy hair, and glasses. I may come off as slightly haughty, but I'm generally a talkative and curious person who loves discussion. It's also very easy for me to cry, either because of a movie or when I'm mad or overwhelmed. I'm not good with tangible gifts to show how much I love someone, so I show it through words or actions. I'm also a worrywart and it messes with my stomach (1/2)

often. Some of the things I'm passionate about include visual novels, singing, psychology, and just talking to others in general. I love rabbits, pastel colors, and pop/folk/acoustic music. In my friend group I tend to be the more chatty and dreamy one. In relationships two things I prize highly would be honesty and communication. I usually end up falling for people who I deem worthy enough to be my "rock". Thank you so much!

-----

Dear User

congraulations, we have found you a potential roommate. We have throughly looked through your application and we hope you are happy with you result. Below this posts are the details all about them. 

Yours Sincerely 

The Accomodation Team

Name: Yamaguchi Tadashi 

Birthday: 10th November (Scorpio)

MBTI: INFP

you now have this precious bean as your roommate awwwww

I feel like Yamaguchi is a very understanding person and wouldn’t mind the fact you come across a little bit haunty at first, have you met tsukishima  this boy really doesn’t care

also you wear glasses too (tsukki 2.0, just kidding) 

It is great that you are talkative because sometimes yamaguchi has troubles in regards to starting a conversation, through your late night chats you help him to become more confident in himself

also, having deep discussions with you , over a glass of wine/elderflower (if you are underaged) is a great evening actvity you guys do

Do not worry about getting judged for your crying tendandies yamaguchi too can be a crier 

like when you watch a sad movie sometimes the both of you are in tears, tissue boxes surrounding you, tsukki has to console both of you

Now yamaguchi can completely understand when you start to worry , however he helps you find some better coping mechanism because he knows how the anxiety can drown you

If you ever start to worry you can always count on him to give you are really good hug (you know those bear hugs that just make your worries melt away, those kind, carla is soft )

obvs he would be a bit blushy afterwards tho 

If your stomach started to hurt this boy will not leave your sight, like congrats you have your own personal butler 

Tsukkishima goes forced to get you some medication and other things to make you feel better by yamaguchi

Now unlike yourself, yamaguchi goes to bed quite early this boy needs 9 hour + sleep 

he doesn’t mind too much if you are up in the night as long as you keep quiet he do be sleeping 

also thank goodness yamaguchi can cook and he makes really nice stuff as well 

he likes to try out different cuisines and makes you be his little guniea pig , not that you mind too much

you too also have some spring cleaning afternoons once a month (seeing as you both don’t mind doing the chores) and you will have some accoustic music in the background 

Now yamaguchi loves the fact that you love to sing

he sometimes has listened to you sing in the shower

Now i feel like he is someone who also enjoys to sing and he is also really good at it (have you heard the haikyuu xmas drama cd because boiiiii yama got a set of vocals on him).

So at the weekend you guys go do some karaoke together, sometimes tsukki would get dragged along too 

You and Yamaguchi combined have the highest score for the duet songs and no one has beaten it yet 

now yamaguchi wasn’t really into visual novels but since having you as your roommate he has become obsessed 

I feel like he is a bit of a hopeless romantic so he loves reading the shoujo type ones 

please never show this boy killing stalking because he is too precious

I feel like yama yama has the same aesthetic as you when it comes to cottagecore and pastel colours

Your apartment would look something like ghibli film ( i am coming over)

You also have some of those hanging baskets with cute flowers on 

Tsukki feels like he is in heaven when ever he visits lol

Now you like to have someone you depend on kinda like your “rock” as you elloquently put it

so this choice may have come as a susprise to you 

but i can see yamaguchi as a “rock” kind of person 

he may not be the most level headed person out there but you have to admit he is incrediably loyal 

and that’s on being a scorpio

Like he will never leave you side now matter what, come rain or shine he will always be there ( I mean he has put up with Tsukki dramatics for a long time) 

You can always rely on him to just sit and listen to your problems and help you find solutions 

Overall you have a loyal, compassionate but somewhat of a timid roommate 

Other Potential Matches: Sawamura Daichi and Akaashi Keiji 

miffy I hope you likes this, and thank you for your patience

[anaxgardner]

Couple #2: Jayce and Axel

Jayce Malcom Kennedy

Jayce is a young surgical intern who was wants to specialise in paediatric and neonatal cardiothoracic surgery and specifically focus his career on helping infants with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS); a condition he himself had as an infant. At the time he was born the standard surgery for this birth defect, the Norwood procedure, was still pioneering and a doctor took a chance on him. He had three surgeries before the age of three and finally a heart transplant at the age of 12. His experiences as a child and the gratitude he has towards that doctor that saved his life drove him to do the same for others. He has an identical twin brother (who was unaffected by his condition), an older sister and a younger brother. His parents divorced when he was 11 and he stayed with his mother into his adolescence, struggling in college initially he worked hard; he started medical school but through diligence graduated at the top of his class and got residency on a paediatric ward, after applying late. He has a confident, tenacious personality with strong aspirations that his determined to reach. Though he’s incredibly work focussed he ensures he makes time for personal affairs and gives his husband the love and attention he deserves (even if Alex can be a brat and demand more).

Age: 26

Ethnicity: Caucasian.

Nationality: American.

Height: 5ft 10in.

Eye Color: Green.

Hair Color: Blond.

Tattoos/Piercings: None.

Kinks: He’s pretty vanilla in the bedroom, though Axel helped encourage him to explore his more kinky side through out their relationship. This made Jayce realised he preferred a more dominant role in, both in and outside of the bedroom, and enjoys the softer side of BDSM; this isn’t to say he doesn’t indulge Axel in some of his more hardcore fetishes, but he himself leans more towards the tame side, though he enjoys both.  He also prefers watching Axel in most Omorashi scenarios but also partakes from time to time, especially when Axel is in a mood. He didn’t realise his Omo kink until after seeing Axel have an accident one night...

Bladder stuff: Jayce is definitely on the strong side when it comes to bladder capacity: being a doctor he s expected to be able a go time without breaks and theres definitely no time for a potty break on a paediatric ward. Though he’s been pushed to the brink a few times he’s generally able to cope without a bathroom break all day remarkably well. He also has no qualms in social situations excuse himself due to his confident nature, though he finds it difficult to admit his true needs as he tends to be over confident about his holding ability and sees it as a sign of weakness in some case; I.e. he’d have no issue excusing himself during a gathering once he’s seen others do so (sometimes multiple time) but he’d never be the one to do so first.

He can often recall one time on a road trip with friends he’d forgotten t use the restroom upon waking up that morning but because he didn’t want to inconvenience anyone or admit he needed a break he sat there in agony the entire drive. He didn’t even allow himself to go when another friend asked several times, since that friend was teased relentlessly about having a small bladder, he had too much pride to do that. He’s now a lot more cautious about using the bathroom when he gets the chance (as long as he’s sure other people won’t notice or comment).

Favourite beverage (alcoholic and non-alcoholic): As a doctor he runs on coffee but also ensures he remains healthy by drinking lots of water, it’s no problem since he has a big, strong bladder right..? Anyway, he has a rather high tolerance to alcohol as usually sticks to beer during social events (when he’s not the designated driver, which is rare) but prefers stronger spirits such as scotch when he has the time to indulge himself.

How he met his partner:  Between long hours at school, then even longer hours at work, Jayce was no stranger to the small coffee shop he passed walking back and forth every day.  The small shop had quite a few regulars, and even though he was on the heels of a horrible break-up, one of the regulars in particular caught Jayce’s eye, but he could never bring himself to say anything.  Lucky for him, he didn’t have to.  Although the regular barista in the coffee shop knew him very well, he thought it was odd when he walked in and she already had his drink ready, sliding it across the counter to him.  When he picked it up, he noticed unfamiliar scribbling on the side of the cup.  The unfamiliar scribbling was a phone number, and when he asked the barista who the writing belonged to, she pointed across the room to a very familiar face, and finally, Jayce was finally able to put a name with the face: Axel.

Jacob Axel Warren

Jacob, who goes by Axel and won’t acknowledge being called anything else “Jacob’s not as cool and I’m cool so shut up!” Axel grew up an only child to a single mother and remains close to her even now he’s grown up and married. He left high school at 18, having been a big part in the schools theatre club and decided against going into college, knowing the strain financially that would put on his mom. Instead he took a new path. He has always loved being on stage, being able to dress up and take on another persona. He himself growing up as a rather reserved, quiet child acting had given him the opportunity to forget his shyness and adorn the mask of someone else; taking on an active role in drama at school helped him come out of his shell and become more comfortable in himself.

By the time he left school he found himself in a large group of friends ranging from all different backgrounds, one friend in particular was very into the gay scene in New York. This friend introduced him to so many larger than life people, taking Axel to nightclubs and drag shows, when one night Axel realised what he wanted to do next. Stripping. The lights, the music, the movements, he became enamoured with it all- and don’t even get him started on the wardrobe.

Growing up he never went without, his mom made sure of that, but the weren’t made of money. When he asked for a name brand of something, he’d get the item he wanted but an off-brand. He would never resent his mom for that if anything he appreciates she went through the effort to get him something similar, but that hadn’t helped with the teasing he already got at school. Compared to everything he’d known in his short lie so far, everything about the strip club seems so glamorous to him and fun and the money was as good as you made it- he wanted in. His friends introduced him to the staff and they took him on as a bartender at barneys (which is what his mom still thinks he does for a living, though she’d be supportive it’s a rather awkward conversation to have..at this point she probably knows already but out of mutual respect they both continue with the bartender schtick). During off hour he was allowed to practise on the pole and it didn’t take long for his talents to be realised and he was taken on full time at the club becoming their headline performer.

Age: 24.

Ethnicity: Caucasian.

Nationality: Italian-American.

Eye color: Blue.

Hair color: Dark.

Height: 5ft 7in.

Tattoos/Piercings: No tattoos but he did get his ear pierced at 14 behind his moms back, meaning he had to continuously take it in and out. This lead to it getting infected and having to be removed at the hospital. After the hefty bill, looks of disapproval and traumatic ER experience, Axel decided against anymore piercings.

Kinks: Axel likes a lot of things. A lot. Of things. He’ll try anything ones and has tried most things. But he enjoys things that he and his partner can both do together and like equally- making Omorashi his favourite. As a natural sub he likes seeing the other persons enjoyment as much as he enjoys it himself and Omo is one of those things.

Bladder stuff: Axel’s bladder in on the smaller side, much to his annoyance. He hates having to take breaks from what he’s doing to tend to it and has an aversion to public restrooms and especially having to answer natures call while actually out in nature. He also is rather shy when admitting he needs to use the bathroom again so instead tries to wait until someone else says they have to go. All of these things contribute to him being caught short very often, much to Jayce’s delight. Both in and out of the bedroom Axel’s rather prone to accidents- even if it is just due to his stubbornness.

Favourite beverage (alcoholic and non-alcoholic): Axel has a sweet tooth so any kind of sugary drink is his favourite. He like sweet alcohol too such as fruity cocktails and mixed drinks; an unfortunate (or fortunate for some people) a side effect from the lack of that alcoholic afterburn is he’s likely to down them quickly one after another before he feels the full effect from them. Meaning they all hit him at once. And his bladder. When they’re out in public its usually a struggle;

Jayce: “I think that’s enough for now-“

Axel: “You don’t tell me what to do Mr. Man!”

Jayce: “Well, actually I do but I’d rather not have to spank you in front of all these people so lets slow down shall we?”

Axel: “Shhhsuushsuhhhhh I’m fiiiiiiine.”

Jayce: “Ax-“

Axel: “I said I’m fine! Gimme back my sweet juice it tastes good I’m fine!”

              *ten minutes later*

Axel: “HHRRBBBBLEEEEUGH- I’m sorry I’m sorry I should’ve listened to you I- BRRRRHEAUGH!”

Jayce: “Shh, it’s okay baby let it happen”

Axel: “I’m never drinking again- HUURRK!”

              *the next day*

Jayce: “Afternoon, Sunshine!”

Axel: *Grumbles*

Jayce: “How you feeling, love?”

Axel: “Awful something must’ve been wrong with the food, the chicken was a little pink-“

Jayce: “You’re serious?”

Axel: “What?”

Jayce: “’I’m never drinking again?’”

Axel: “Well yeah, I- Well barbeque and long island ice tea doesn’t’ taste great together and-“

Jayce:...

Axel: “I- Oh, shut up!”

Jayce: “Do you want bacon?”

Axel: “Yes, I want bacon!”

Jayce: “Okay, sweetheart.”

Axel: “And waffles!”

Jayce: “How could I forget?”

Axel: “With a metric-fuckton of syrup! And turn the lights off they’re too loud!”

Jayce: “Anything you want my hungover little prince.”

Axel: *Grumbles*

Jayce: “What was that baby?”

Axel: *Grumbles louder*

Jayce: “One more time honey?

Axel: “I LOVE YOU ASSHOLE!”

Jayce: “I love you too, I take it I need to change the sheets, hm?”

Axel: *Intense whiny, grumbles*

How did they meet their partner: Axel had watched for weeks as the tall blonde came in and out of the coffee shop, too nervous to speak up and say anything, but too intrigued by him to let it go.  He’d watch as he came by in the mornings wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and occasionally he would be there at night when the guy came by in slacks and a button-up.  Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore.  He got up especially early one morning and pulled the barista, Tiffany, aside before she got too busy.  As he asked for her help, her eyes lit up, and she quickly agreed to his plan.  She handed him an empty coffee cup, and he wrote his name and number on the side.  The waves in the writing showed how much his hand was shaking while he was doing it.  Now all there was to do was sit back and wait.  Axel’s heart started to race as he finally noticed the blonde walking towards the door.  His hand started to shake and his breathing picked up, but when he noticed the number on the cup, and Tiffany pointed in Axel’s direction, their eyes locked, and it felt as if his heart had stopped completely.

[anzelwolveine]

Fear is a Flower

(this was shared somewhere else, but...after writing it, I don’t want it to disappear for good if I get too afraid of judgement and delete it there) I've been...afraid to admit this here. Because I'm so afraid to be judged...but my marriage is failing. I'm...planning on divorce. It took me so long to realize I didn't love my husband, and...even the people around me knew before I did. It's clear now, but I strung it out so long... And there's...another thing. It's terrible timing, but also good. But everyone would just assume things... This is a story, please don't judge me too harshly...I already judge myself plenty for it. I'm...glad I'm still alive, with how much I hate myself. I sure as hell don't want to be, when I remember that. And my husband knows, if any of you wonder...trust me, he knows. I haven't hidden anything... There's someone else. He helped me realize that I didn't love my husband. He's been a friend for a very, very long time. We've had our ups and downs, but I've never once been truly mad at him, nor him at me. He's always been the smile when all I could do is frown and want to die. I met him a few weeks ago, for the first time, in person. I've known him online for...a third of my life. Hell, my mom even knew of him, and she's been gone for a third of my life as well. I friend-zoned him back then, but he stuck around because he's a good guy, always there to tell me I'm worth it in a goofy way. Some guy breaks up with me after a week and tells me I'm immature and annoying? He's there to tell me I'm beautiful and intelligent and don't need someone like that. I fell for him after he persisted for a while. After my mom had passed...but he was good enough of a guy that I actually brought him up to my bed-bound mom (anorexia/alcoholism), and she liked him. During those years, I was on a dating site. I met him, and so many others, there. High school had destroyed my self-esteem, and I was finally medicated for my anxiety/depression. I needed the boost. Guy after guy, just because it helped me feel wanted. After they figured out who I was as a person, had a few lays...they ALL gave up on me. He's the only one who stuck around and kept talking to me. He was always sweet, and didn't seem to 'expect' things like some 'nice guys' do. He just genuinely treated me well. I started to like him after a while. I think the first time I wanted to meet him, he had a lot of family drama going on and couldn't deal with the stress. I was stressed too, and it just clashed, and he ended up making up an excuse not to visit. But a believable one; he lived a few hours away and his car was shit, his job was shit, and he couldn't really afford the trip. (he admits it was just him wimping out now) The 2nd time, to be entirely fair, he had gotten a concussion with a lot of vertigo. He played roller hockey at the time, so that was fair. He's had a total of 5 concussions in his life, I can't even remember which one that was. We kept talking for a while, though, until he hooked up with someone in real life. That hurt, and we just...stopped. I don't remember the specifics, it's been...like 7 years since then. I approached him again though when she was gone, and we rekindled. By then I was living with my evil grandma, aunt had bought me a car, life was going ok but the stress of my evil grandma wore on me. At one point I went to visit my dad, and tried to let him know I'd be happy to drive to see him...but he never answered the phone. Again, nowadays he admits he chickened out again. I was upset, but I got it. He had so much going on in his life, trying to deal with a full uni schedule and a shit job, he couldn't cope with the stress again. I got into a car accident at one point...I over-corrected. Gave a guy whiplash, bruised myself up, but nobody seriously hurt. Just totaled my car. I called my dad first...and he was 2nd. Grandparents third. When I got home that night...grandma SCREAMED at me, blaming me for the crash. I ended up on the floor, sobbing, so afraid...and then had to deal with the insurance claim call. He said he only had free time for 15 minutes at one point, but he could talk, so I paused my insurance talk (the lady on the phone was lovely) to talk to him for 5 minutes. He made me laugh and smile and...forget. I stopped crying. ...during that short window, my grandma, not believing I was actually doing the insurance thing, listened in on the call. She spent the next year reminding me of my call with him, what things he said, mocking him and using it to cite me as a liar. But I refused to trade that for the world. He ended up with two other girls in the next year, one didn't pan out rather quick, the other he stayed with for a while. We didn't talk as much during that time, but when I went to visit my dad again, I offered to visit him. He didn't reply (and admits that's because he was worried meeting me while he was with someone would have been a bad idea, which is true). I dealt. I lived in an apartment for a few years, and still spoke to him. Was introduced to a guy (who is now my husband) through an online game and a mutual friend. He lived in Australia, and he was nice and sweet and shy, and I liked it. He was different from the other guys I'd been cycling through still throughout all this time, just to make myself feel wanted. So I planned my move, and when I went back to my dad's one last time, I offered to see him again...and he didn't reply. That time, it's because he didn't want to screw up what me and the guy had. Which is fair, but...it just...saddened me. I wanted to meet this guy, who had kept me from committing suicide for SO MANY YEARS at that point, who had made me smile when life tried to ruin me... I got to Australia, built a life here, was...never truly physically happy with my partner, but I figured there was a reason. Weight, bad breath, the temperature, I kept thinking up possibilities. We tried fixing it. It... It never worked. I spoke to him on and off throughout my marriage, nothing more than friends for most of it. At one point in my marriage, though, I realized I needed to be physically happy, and...we decided on an open marriage. I should have realized that was kinda a sign of what was happening, but...I didn't. Skip more time, and...well, I started realizing I...couldn't say 'I love you' to my husband any more and feel like I meant it. I hated myself for it. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I kept talking with the other guy, and he was always supportive. He's never once, ever, tried to do ANYTHING to sway me towards him. He's just been good to me. He's actually actively tried to steer me away from him at times because he only wants what's best for me, even if I don't care and just want myself miserable half the time. I realized that the last person I ever wanted kids with was my first boyfriend. And, this guy...I wouldn't mind a kid with him. I thought he'd be a good father. I didn't even want a kid with my partner. When something scared me one night, during a panic attack, I thought of my final words, and they were to him. I realized how I felt. I told my partner these things, I'd been telling him stuff as time went on, but he...he hadn't done anything wrong. If anything, -I- was using -him-, and I told him this. He pleaded with me, every time, and won. Because the guilt ate me. Because I was the bad person, and he deserved to be happy, even at the cost of my own happiness. I didn't mention this, but...I didn't even enjoy the wedding. And so...I asked the guy one more time, would he let me meet him, and he said yes, without a doubt. It...wasn't affordable for him, for obvious reasons, but it was for me. So I planned it. And we were both happy. Then he stopped talking to me...for a month. I never had a more miserable month in my life. I just wanted to know what I had done wrong to deserve it. I begged. I pleaded. I left a voicemail with a long distance call, even. It...took me interviewing myself in a message to him, with how broken I was...to finally get a response. He'd started liking someone else there, a friend he'd known, and the guilt ate him inside. He thought disappearing, I would be happier just hating him... He...fell into depression. I didn't even know the extent of it, I just knew he wasn't happy. He utterly ruined things with the girl, who ended up not being a good match for him, but...no matter how much I said to him, prodded and pried for what the fuck was wrong, he never got mad at me. I was the first person he told what was going wrong in his life. (and now i know he tried to kill himself...and i can't imagine an angel in human form leaving this world like that) We...were still going to meet. Time got closer to my trip. I told my husband again. He guilted me with his life, saying he wanted to kill himself if I left. I gave in again. I left for the trip. Time ran so slow... ...I finally met him. He wasn't...the same as I remembered. But it'd been nearly 10 years, obviously he'd changed. He was so...warm, his personality. I was afraid to show him my true self, in person, because everyone rejects it. He just held me, no matter how long I wanted it to last. He kissed me, because I was too afraid to kiss him. We laid there for at least an hour after meeting, just looking at each other. I...we kept kissing. And, the thing is...I don't (normally) like kissing. I've enjoyed kissing 2 guys in my life, out of 20+, and even then, they were very minor. This was...different. I actually initiated the kisses. I finally understood why people enjoyed kissing... There were...other things, but, well, one thing does lead to another. He took me out to eat,the next day, and his car smelled like hockey, but I found I liked it. Brought me to the store to grab some stuff for the hotel (bread and such, cuz i was staying a week), but when we got back we just enjoyed each other's company. He let me watch a game that was going on for a bit while he did some work-related stuff, and we went back. The amount of time we just spent together, not doing anything but lying there, cuddling, no tv, no anything...it still wasn't enough. He brought me to a hockey game he was playing one evening after work, and despite how shit his team did, I loved every minute of it. I loved seeing him do something he loved. After the game, he was upset due to a frustrating teammate, but...he calmed down. We talked for a bit at one point, about that month he ignored me. All the times we never met. I saw the sadness creep into his eyes, and it hurt to see. But he answered every question, and hated himself for everything he'd ever done to hurt me. Every chance he didn't take. He was hurting enough that I could barely get him to smile again. But he slept with me that night, and I was happy. Waking up next to him...was perfect. He even brought me to an arcade. Guys...don't bring me on dates. Even my husband never has...but I just...it was awesome. We made fools of ourselves. Talked about silly stuff. Beat each other in Mario Kart, laughed, and it was amazing. When he finally had to bring me to my dad's, I didn't want to leave him. But he admitted to me, his entire opinion of everything had changed. That week had changed him. He said he could never forget how much I just enjoyed being with him, doing ANYTHING with him, whether chores or work-related or fun. He promised me it wouldn't be the last time we met. And...during my week with him, I'd...already told my husband it was done. Via messages. Because in person, he always guilted me until I gave in. I couldn't do that again. ...while at my dad's, though...my husband wrote me an essay. That ripped me to shreds. And...twice, that day, I wanted to kill myself. Both times, I turned to the guy, and he absolutely refused to let me talk about myself that way. To think that way. He called me, and told me how amazing I am, and that I just need to keep going on. That he couldn't be happy if I did something like... ...it takes so much out of a person to keep someone from killing themselves. He's saved me so many times, I can't count it on all of my digits. I don't understand how, or why, he puts up with me. I'm...back now. My husband and I will see a counselor soon, and I will slowly end it. He's coming to terms with the fact it's over. I'm trying to...better myself. To not be the person in the essay. And... ...and I can't believe I actually found someone I want kids with. I want to kiss. But everyone would assume I'm leaving my husband, for this guy...when it's just a fucking shit-ass coincidence. The guy who SET ME UP with my husband KNEW we weren't working out, LONG BEFORE I knew myself... But now, I realize...I'm going to be happier over there. With him. His smile. I could be in a rundown apartment, have a shit job, but I'd actually be happy. Love is so important to me. I write fiction about it, even. Hundreds of poems. And I forgot I deserve to be in love, too... And I am. I love him. He knows. He's not ready to say something like that, and that's okay. Because if it doesn't work out, he's still the friend he always has been. He's still a beautiful person, who tells me to do what makes ME happy, screw everyone else. I... Is it okay for me to be happy that I finally found my happy ending? That it...hurts someone that doesn't deserve it, for me to get there? Because even if that week hadn't worked...I'd still be getting a divorce. I'd just...move somewhere different. It's...all so fucked up. I'm so afraid.

[alottamoney]

Lisa anon here.You are not a cynic.Two third of the army thinks whatever they see on Tv, whatever bh says is the ultimate truth. This is the most bizarre phenomenon that maybe is as close to a cult as I have seen so far.Even nature documentaries are rearranged for giving suspense and dramatic shots.But an entertainment company that makes money by dancing,singing and putting out reality content wouldn't because they made pinky promise.Okay.

Why Jungkook chose Jimin is simple.Why Jimin filled the gap that taekook apparently left out is even simpler.It is because 1. Jimin wanted to. 2. There was an opportunity for career growth. Jimin is a clout chaser.If being bff with a goat would get him to the peak, you would see everywhere "Jimin bff with goat". In early years of bts Tae was popular.He hung out with Tae.Then he was teamed with Taekook.Then from 2017 when Tae fell out of favour with bh,Jimin was with JK.A lot can be said regarding Jimin's primary goal and how it changed with each era, how his ambition changed, and it really deserves a post on its own. Him always putting bts first no matter what,ride or die,shows he can't separate himself from bts to the point that he doesn't want other members to do it too.He will stand against them if they moved against BTS.He has mentioned he cut off close friends because they were speaking bad about the member/s.In early 2018 he and JK publicly teamed up to peer pressure Tae I think because Tae was really reconsidering renewing his contract.He knew if Tae goes,JK will go too.At the outset of that year that was supposed to happen.Tae wanted to leave.No one had any major problem.But when Kookie wanted to leave that was when everyone went mental.Only Suga supported them unconditionally.The texts that only the two got.Jin mentioned Kookie would stay in his room all day in 2018 and shut himself in.Tae left the house in 2018 February.JK has lived with Tae from 2011.I think I don't need to emphasize how big of a shock that was to JK.He grasped at anything to cope.He completely changed his persona.He was on medication probably.I say this because this sudden surge of confidence,chanting this mantra of I love myself,I am happy over and over again, these were completely,and I mean completely opposite of JK up until even January 2018.Jimin actually listened to him at that time.He in the beginning helped Tae get to JK in 2016.After that due to bh interference, jimin and JK became bff more than Vmin.That period wasn't the problem.The problem started in 2018 when V realized Jimin was tending to his interest first and JK was embroiled in it.Jikook had a symbiotic relationship without knowing.

Jungkook wants Tae like he is oxygen and this is not funny.He really can't think straight if they are not close anymore.He has found a father,lover,brother,mentor everything in Tae and this dependence got a reality check when Tae moved out.He tried to fill that with Jimin's affection for a time.He really tried moving away from that emotional dependence.This is complete conjecture but I think JK spilled secrets to Jimin that he shouldn't have about Tae and taekook because that's how introverts roll.When they are close with someone that's where all their secrets go.That's why I think it's not a Jimin problem.He is an independent agent working for his goal with whatever resource is available to him.It is a jungkook problem.If Jimin is not there to listen to him, he will look for other distractions.He needs to fill up that gaping void where Tae resides during good times.

I agree taekook is not the sort to discuss.People came in too late in the fandom.Taekook have done a lot of early relationship courting behavior in 2013- 2014 when they were very young.After 2015 they were not in the stage of figuring out if they liked each other.They knew they liked each other since 2015.People are wrong when they try to find signs of liking in 2020.They are over and done with all of that now they have hit the boring phase but they keep it exciting nevertheless.

I want to mention something interesting.There is a lot of talk about how JK's stare at Tae is not special because he stares at everyone.But this is the only pair where one involved(Tae) gestures the other(JK) to look away and stop looking.This has happened multiple times.Snowwhite Tae behind the scene,before spine breaker mv shooting,in one of the US interviews with Hoseok in between.

The memories 2020 segment that I described,and the almost kissing scene should confirm to people that Jimin does things to his own end.No he is not coming in between taekook.But he was mocking Tae. Taekook cannot act that way in public.If Jimin still did that gimmick, that means it's nothing serious to him.Which is tremendously insensitive to the lgbt causes.Knowing Tae didn't like it,he raised his brow AT TAE like saying 'What are you gonna do?'.Members are going to invite him to their wedding like 'wish you could come but you are so busy don't you have that thing on that very day so unfortunate we know you will be with us in spirit bye'. No wonder they are estranged from him.And Kookie acted like my dog when she hears 'bath time'.Pretend you are not here. Jungkook is thinking he is performing the sacred duty of holding bts together.He doesn't want them to suffer because of taekook.He doesn't want members to fight.He prioritizes bts over his own relationship because he does not want to be seen selfish.But..old habits die hard. I wouldn't have paid any extra attention to that mock kissing attempt if I hadn't seen the aftermath of it in a video at least 3 or 4 months ago.Tae was really angry in that shoot.While singing he and Jimin touched head while sitting and JK came jumping and separated them.In that video it was seen as JK getting jealous of Vmin but V doesn't hide his angry face.The whole time JK was looking at Tae.In todays's dropped memories in bts, Tae ignored JK when he was trying to catch up with him on the same day.

I have seen kookie trying fanservice with members but they are not jimin.They respect Tae.They are older and don't see why they need to do these things specially when they are getting into the next phase of their life :serious relationships. You think they see Kookie and thank him for saving bts?They see a child who is desperately trying to hold onto his favourite toy even if it means destroying himself in the process.I think JK has already started seeing how respect in relationships work by observing the members relationships.You think they are gonna let Jimin climb all up on their gf while their gf act like a statue?JK in his weverse said he doesn't think about the past,his focus is always to the future.His ego wouldn't be able to cope if he did.

There are a lot of secrets within that group.They want to stay truthful but it is not what happens.Tae and bh, their relationship is key to uncovering all of the favouring that Jimin got in the successive years.In this festa he said he believed about himself "I can make my own way". Jimin's insecurity is so deep rooted, anything to cover that up. RM said in the same festa he stopped believing that people are inherently good.

You have a nice weekend.

Lisa anon,

“Cult” would be an accurate description. "Pinky promise" lol it wouldn't be so bizarre if I didn't see adults say such naïve things.

My confusion arises because I started with the assumption that Jimin didn't have an agenda. I guess if you look at it that way both BH and Jimin's own desire for visibility could have played into it but I also think Jikook did have a genuine bond, a bond that changed from the early years independent from company and shippers narratives but Jungkook's relationship with the rest remained the same from whatever we can see. That part I don't understand. I could be wrong about this but there was quite a bit of Jikook even in the earlier content so the company always had plans for them but it didn't morph into it's current form the until 2017.

May I ask why you think Tae was the only one to move out? Couldn't they all afford their own places by then? I wasn't in the fandom back then so the personality shift in Jungkook isn't as clear to me as it would be to someone who was closely watching them in real time. Interesting thing about the staring you brought up there. Anti-Taekookers have made it their mission to convince everyone that Taekook isn't special and never was. Even if they paint him as someone who ignores Tae, I am of the opinion that Jungkook can be a bit (very) intense. So, I am somewhat in agreement with the "wanting Tae like oxygen" sentiment lol. I can definitely see them disagreeing over their friends, living arrangements and loyalty to the band but none interestingly enough seems to lead them to reconsider the whole relationship thing. If you take into account their environment and the things they have to deal with daily, the only reason they lasted so long is that one or both of them really want this unless they feed off the drama of it all.

That memories 2020 Jikook clip was quite something, I'll need more time to piece it all together but yes, it looked awkward. Some things may be obvious to us but until Jungkook himself says or does something it'll just be "Taekookers making Jimin the villain of their kdrama" type responses. The new trend is to say that Tae is the one who makes Jungkook uncomfortable whenever Jungkook doesn't respond when Tae interacts with him. It's a losing battle and I'm not interested in convincing anyone if they refuse to see.

I think the accusation against Jungkook was that he increased fanservice with the other members for attention. After the 2019 scandals Jungkook seems to have this parallel image of being the black sheep of BTS, the intentions behind his actions are over-analyzed. He’s painted as this two-faced, opportunistic person who would throw anyone under the bus for his image and solo career, using his bandmates to queerbait unsuspecting fans, and so on. Jungkook doesn’t help his case the way handles certain things which makes me think he really is unaware of how the fandom perceives him or Taekook. That would explain a lot actually and it makes sense I’d probably avoid this fandom and filter content too.

I’m probably going to annoy you but I don’t take Festa content at face value either. BTS definitely have a lot to hide, I’m impressed by how they managed to stay unscathed so far. I feel we won’t get the truth from them any time  soon. They have more reasons to be careful and they’ve become too significant for Koreans to let anything happen to them. So, only a huge scandal will take them down.

You too have a nice weekend. 💜

[hayjeon]

hay! i havent finished cut me open but can i just say that opening felt like the voiceover for the opening montage of a drama ! if you know what i mean ^-^;; i just had to say that before i kept reading

HAHA I recently finished a few seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, and so I think they way every episode begins with Meredith’s voiceover is how I imagined it. But I loved the way it turned out, and I love that you guys heard it that way HAHAHAHAHA YESSSS *fist pump*

unchartedtunes said:I love the MC in Cut Me Open! She’s a strong woman! I admire her so much! The fact that she’s willing to go through it all for Yoongi makes my heart aches when their marriage starts to fall apart! 😭😭😭😭 Amazing work! Look forward to the next update! Until then, take care my dear 🙈

Omg omg I have so much to say but pls stay tuned for my story talk! I’ll babble around in there! im like this close to giving spoilers but i cant 

Anonymous said:Cut Me Open made me happy and mad at the same time haha . It is rare to see medic based fic on tumblr and yours are the best ! keep on doing the good work !! thank you for providing us good stuffs 🦄 have a nice day , my fav author 💜😬

Thank you!!! I’ve been looking here and there, and as I try to read some it’s incredibly hard to stay focused within the fic with all the medical jargon going on so I aways have a bit of hesitation before posting fics like that. But you guys give such great responses, I can’t help it

quiet-rivers said:MY HEART HURTS SO MUCH AND I DonT know how to cope. Their pain is so tangible and I am just so sad but I can’t wait for part two!!! I’m hopeful it’ll heal my heart!!! Kwbeonxoaobxxn thank you for working so hard! I truly love your med series ❤️

THANK YOU SO MUCH

Anonymous said:omg hay, the first part of cut me open was so good, i really felt everything you wrote, you do magic with words wow i can't wait for the next part! btw, you're one of my fav writers on here *wink* -mj

hiiiii thank u omg i love it when you guys tell me that T_____T i am so honored ily

katrina-noona said:You’re doing so well with Cut Me Open 🤧🤧🤧

tHANK YOU SO MUCH YOU’RE LIKE 99% OF THE REASON WHYYYYY 

it was really hard to put it all into words and make it realistic, the real issues that marriages go through, but you helped me SO MUCH

Anonymous said:Hi! Is CMO going to be a short chaptered fic or a two-shot? 😊

two! i always include the parts in the intro, and since cmo has part 1 and part 2 says coming soon, its two

Anonymous said:Hi! I just wanted to stop by and tell you that Cut Me Open was beautifully written. The surgeries sounded well-researched, and I love how you depicted the rise and fall of Y/N's relationship with Yoongi. It felt so realistic! My heart is aching for them. Honestly, this is one of the best stories I've read in a long time. I can't wait to read the next part of the series! ♡

thank u so muchhhhh i had to watch like 14 brain surgery videos to get this one right lol 

ughhhhh yea my heart hurts so much because the things they went through are so freaking real. thanks for sending this message omgggg ily

Anonymous said:So i’m reading cut me open and I laugh to myself as jungkook and I suppose I, talk about his baby shower and his wife which I suppose is also me hahha

HAHAHAHAHA U KNOW WHAT I FREAKING HAD TO HESITATE THERE because i was like wait what the heck is her naME?!!@?!???? LIKE?!?@?! DO I PUT...Y/N? OR...???????????

but that also means u read cardio palps and that means i love you 10000% more u know that? 

Anonymous said:It's a mistake of me to listen to Ikon's Don't Forget when the OP asked Yoongi for a divorce, it's heartbreaking

FDUGE WHYD YOU TELL ME I DID IT AND IM GETTING THE FEELZ WHEN IM SUPPOSED TO BE ASLEEP WHY

[annyeonghaseye]

Life Under Lockdown: Quarantine Picks

Hello! How are you? How are you coping during this quarantine? If there’s one thing I can say, I hope you all are healthy and safe during these times. 

Life for me during this quarantine has been quite the mixed bag-- some days are productive, some days are just stressful, and the rest are meh. However, I’m doing my best to maintain my sanity by building some sort of a routine to get through each day. In that “routine”, I try to carve time to entertain myself and accomplish some tasks. After all, art and entertainment can be healing during times of trouble. Anyway, here are some of the things that I’ve been loving all throughout quarantine season. 

Itaewon Class 

I’m a fan of a good underdog story, and Itaewon Class did not disappoint me in the slightest. Itaewon Class tells the story of Park Sae-ro-yi, an ex-convict who owns a bar/restaurant in the district of Itaewon. Together with his staff, he tries to avenge himself from past injustices, while striving for success as a businessman. This drama tackles a boatload of issues such as racism, the LGBTQIA experience, bullying, business ethics, and mental health awareness, which makes it compelling to watch. Also: Park Seo Joon might be my favorite Korean actor. 

MyGolana One of my goals this year is to be more attentive towards my mental health (and my overall well-being), and part of the concrete steps that I’m taking to help improve it is to seek professional help. Last November, I started seeing a psychospiritual counselor. While my experience there has been helpful, a major barrier for me was the booking process. Luckily though, I found MyGolana, which is an online counseling service that you can avail for free.  I talked to two counselors so far, and the experience has been good. There are assessments and activities that can help you find clarity in dealing with your emotions and thoughts.  However, the platform needs to still be vastly improved in terms of user interface and other technicalities. On the other hand, I would like to note that MyGolana is not a replacement for medical-based solutions for mental health, but rather, a safe space to share and process your anxieties and thoughts.

Seventeen 

(Hoshi’s cover of 10cm’s Phonecert is so cute and endearing, btw) 

I only got into Seventeen last August, but I have slipped into the diamond life quite hard. Stanning Seventeen was probably the least surprising thing that I have done as a K-pop fan, and it has opened me up to this new world. Going Seventeen has become my Monday habit, and I always make it a point to listen to my favorite songs from them to maintain my sanity, lol.  PSA: My biases are Wonwoo, Jeonghan, Mingyu, Hoshi, Joshua, and S.Coups. Perfect Blue 

I know Perfect Blue is not the perfect movie to watch during this quarantine due to its subject matter and nature, but I loved this movie for its storytelling and its depiction of the female gaze and the relationship between fans and idols. It’s a trip to watch, and if you’re part of a fandom, it makes you want to rethink your own approach as a fan. 

[not-rome]

Progressive Care

Summary:  Connor winds up in New Point Campus Behavioral Health Unit after trying to kill himself.  He makes a lot of discoveries, from things he hates to things he's been missing. He's missed laughing, smiling, getting better, and Evan.  So after a shitty day, Evan comes for visitation, and Connor couldn't be happier. Word Count: 6k words Trigger Warnings: mental hospital, panic attacks, self harm, self hatred, depression, and mentions of suicide attempts Note: I’ve based this off my experiences, and also; this may be the only thing I post in a while due to my hectic schedule Read of ao3 

Connor knew that no one thinks that behavioral centers are super fun, but he wasn’t expecting this shit. The people here were fucking insane. He knew he was ‘crazy’, but they took it to another level.

Schedules of their days were on the wall, and patients wouldn’t stop fucking looking at it. Sure, he wanted to see it too, but he didn’t want to be annoying like everyone else.  Group sessions were his nightmare since everyone had to open up at some point in time.  He wasn’t ready for his turn.

The boy he shared a room with was annoying.  Taylor was a lanky white kid with short blonde hair, and the complete opposite of Connor.  The blonde never shut the hell up, and flirted with every girl in the ward.  Then you had the brunette, spoke respectively, never made anyone uncomfortable, and wasn’t annoying.

“Connor, where were you again?  I woke up and you weren’t in the room,” Taylor said and Connor had to take a moment to control his anger.  His roommate snored so loud that Connor ended up going to the isolation room every night.

“Well, maybe if you could stop snoring, I’d be there in the morning,” Connor said before walking over to some of the people he considered his friends here.

Honestly, all of it fucking sucked.  He just kept his cool since Evan came and visited him every visitation day.  The two had spoken to each other in junior English a couple times, but their friendship didn’t truly start until Connor found the blonde on the ground in the park.

Connor knew he didn’t just fall out of a tree, but he didn’t say anything about it.  He signed the cast, and gave the blonde his number. Evan would awkwardly ask him to hang out, and the brunette started having a schedule for weed so he’d be sober when he was with the other boy.

This lead to the first day of school, and his suicide attempt.  He had somehow convinced Evan to sell him his depression medication, and he took them.  Of course Evan found him though, he kind of always found him in a way.

So he landed here, New Point Campus Behavioral Health Unit.  The only downside to the whole ordeal was that only his mother and Evan came to visit him.  He didn’t care that Larry didn’t want to see him, because he didn’t want to see that man anyways.

All he wanted was for Zoe to come and see him once.  He was trying to get better and, finally on some medication, could see his mistakes.

Evan made the comment that she’s just not ready, and the brunette knew that the two blondes were dating now.  Of course they would be dating, he was finally out of the picture.  Zoe loved the fact that he was gone, because now she could take the one thing Connor truly loved; Evan.

“Hey, how’s it going?” Michael asked and Connor yawned.  Everyone knew he wasn’t sleeping due to being in the isolation room.  “Shit, me too.”

“Maybe you should request to change roommates?” Brandon asked, Connor shrugged before plopping down on the light blue couch.  He noticed that Jennifer had turned on the Latino channel, she did this every morning since she missed her family so much.

“I’ve heard he’s leaving soon,” Amanda said as she watched the TV.  Only three people in the ward were fluent in Spanish, and they typically loved the Spanish channel.

“What are they saying, Manda?” Allison asked and everyone jumped at the sound of the 35 year old woman’s voice.

“Well, they’re talking about a traffic jam and apparently there was a break in somewhere,” Amanda explained, trying to listen closely to the TV.  She would say she didn’t look pretty, but Connor would disagree since she had an innocence about her.

Her chestnut skin was accompanied with black braided hair since she didn’t want her natural hair to suffer from the shitty hygiene products here.  Connor would say her eyes were a caramel color filled with light, but she would disagree.  

Amanda was his favorite person here, she was someone that you truly wondered why she would be here until she opened up.  It wasn’t that she was energetic and full of life, but more that she was picked first for activities and smiled more than she frowned.

He knew that he was the opposite.  Smiling wasn’t something he did often, but it was starting to happen more and more. Especially when Michael and Amanda started arguing over stupid things.  They were both way too rational, but in different ways.

“Guys, breakfast is in five minutes.  I still need to get some of your blood pressures,” Monica, a tech, informed everyone. Connor sat down in the chair meant for blood pressure, earning a smile from a auburn haired woman.  “How are you today?”

“I’m okay, I guess. I’m just so exhausted,” Connor said and Monica was the first person that he was open to in this place.  “I’m just happy that Evan is coming tomorrow.  I miss him a lot,” Connor said and Monica smiled at him with a bright smile.

“He sure is a cutie, or that’s what I’ve seen when I’ve been there,” she said and Connor nodded while sighing.

“The only problem is he has a thing for Zoe.”

“Your sister?”  Connor nodded and Monica gave him a sad smile. “He’ll come around.  We all know how amazing you are, and if he’s coming to visit; he knows it too.

“Thanks, Monica, that means a lot,” Connor said before getting up.  If Monica was a therapist, then he would be at her office every single week on time.  She was so caring, sweet, and actually understood how people felt.

“Connor, hurry up, we don’t want to wait on your ass,” Michael said and Amanda hit him.

“Shut up, Michael, we’ll wait as long as we need to.”

“Sorry, Miss Perfect, I’m fucking hungry,” Michael snapped, and everyone knew to back away from the small boy.  His temper wasn’t easy to control, and when people took a step back; so did he.

“Let’s get going,” Connor said before hurrying into the hall to get the tension out of everyone’s systems. A month ago, he would’ve snapped along with Michael, but now he was learning to cope.

Maybe this place wasn’t so shitty after all.

“Connor, what do you plan on doing today?” Opal asked him, he was sitting at the recs art table uncomfortably.  He hated coming to activities, but only because everyone got so noisy.

“I think I may paint today,” he suggested, as if it would actually get the old therapist off his back. She smiled at him before getting him the kids’ water color pallets and some paper.

He wasn’t sure what to paint, so he just started off with green.  Connor wasn’t really focusing on the painting, but focused on favorite memories.

Evan was sitting on Connor’s grey comforter, smiling over at him.  He brought him a bonsai tree for his room, and the blonde boy had placed it on the cluttered desk.  No words were exchanged, just comfortable silence allowing them to breathe.

It was Evan’s first ever Murphy family dinner, and it ended with the blonde having an anxiety attack in the bathroom.  All the poor kid wanted to do was bring the tree and go to McDonalds.

“Why are you smiling so big, Connor?” Amanda asked, she was leaning over looking at the painting. She assumed it was making him happy.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” he said before noticing that he had painted the same bonsai tree on a wooden desk. Of course it would be a painting about Evan, it always was.

Connor was sitting on his bed, writing a letter on the small side table that was bolted to the ground. Taylor left, so the brunette was finally sleeping.  His head was clear, but was still foggy.  It varied day to day, and today he was trying to fight off the foggy thoughts of death and self-harm.

He was getting better, and decided to try to fight it off by writing Evan a letter.  The doctor told him that writing his feelings down could help him process emotions, so Connor started writing.  He had written three letters at this point, all talking about different things.

Some spoke about the drama going on around the ward, Evan loved the drama way too much.  He ate up the entire Taylor situation to a point that worried Connor.  Then bringing up Michael to him was something else too.  Evan saw Michael’s boyfriend waiting on the boy every time he came to visit, and it was a sad sight.

Jeremy, Connor told Evan the name, would always cry as he sat down and pull out a letter.  Evan could see it was made out to the boy reading it, and then he’d wipe his tears right as Michael walked in.  Both of them would look bright and happy just seeing each other.  So, Evan was expecting an entire backstory, and Connor was keeping track of that for him.

Then some spoke about how dark Connor’s life truly was before coming here.  How everything felt meaningless, and how people felt like phases. How Evan used to feel like a phase to him until the two officially became friends.  Connor was used to losing people, and he assumed the blonde would be no different.

The final letter was a confession letter to Evan.  The blonde was so dense, he never once caught on to Connor’s futile attempts in flirting. So, the last attempt of keeping off these foggy thoughts was to finally tell Evan how he felt.

Feelings didn’t make sense to Connor.  Even when he was used to them, he just didn’t understand the purpose.  Why are there so many emotions that have their own feelings? Why can’t people just feel neutral all the time?  Being neutral wasn’t too exciting since all it held was anger, but Connor was used to outbursts.  He just couldn’t understand why no one else understood where he was coming from for so long.

All the letters would be given to Evan, some earlier than others.  The confession letter would be the first, so then Connor knew if the blonde would actually come back after that. It had almost been a month, and the doctors said he may be there for another month or two.  So, if Evan wasn’t going to stay after this whole confession, then Connor knew he was a phase like he believed in the beginning.

Dear Evan Hansen,

I’m worried that you’re going to hate me.  It terrifies the hell out of me, because you’re the first person to truly care about me.  You’re probably freaking out, but don’t.  I’m getting better, and my mind is finally clearing for the first time since freshman year.

All my friends have been phases for as long as I could remember, and I’ve written a letter diving deeper into this.  It’s just that the moment I was fully there for someone to see, they would dwindle away until there was someone new.  I thought you’d be like that, sometimes I still worry about it.

Maybe it’s the fact that people started being nice to me because they all thought I’d be a school shooter.  Or maybe it’s just the fact that you’re such a kind person wanting to befriend the depressed stoner kid.  I was always scared to open up to you, and here we are now; me finally opening up to you.

I don’t remember the last time I could actually laugh freely without feeling judged.  The people here may be crazy, but they’ve been encouraging me to do things I never thought I could.  I never knew that I could have a real love for someone while in my state of mind, but after constant reassurance; I know I can.

You’re the person that I love.  Everyone in my unit knows I love you from how I act around you.  I love you, Evan Hansen.  This seems really out of character for my dark and fulfilled with angst appearance, but I’m finally in a better state of mind to realize it. I finally know that you’re not a phase, and you’re not going to dwindle away like everyone else.

You’re always there for me, and I don’t know how you do it. I can barely be there for myself, due to my terrible mood swings, and I have to be there at all times regardless. You just amaze me in so many ways, but I don’t know if I can truly describe them through a letter.  The only sad thing is that I don’t know if I can say these things aloud.

Evan, your brightness blinds me, and it’s the only light in my life. You could tell me about saplings for six hours, and I’d still be in awe of you.  I’d listen to every single word, and then I’d ask questions just so you can continue to be passionate.  I love passion, and you offer so much of it.

Do you know that you’re the first person I’ve properly hugged in years?  I’ve missed it so much.  Your arms wrapped around my waist, head under my chin, and warmth radiating between us is a dream come true.  No one wanted to touch me, but you did.  You’d cuddle into my chest whenever I was having a panic attack.

I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you.  I’m just a mess of a person who only got help because someone else reached out for me.  I’m just a shitty person, my own sister won’t even come see me due to it.  Just love her right, okay?  I want her happy if I can’t be.

I know you love Zoe, hell I think we all know.  Part of me wants to be selfish and tell you to choose me, but I know you won’t.  You’ve loved her for so long that I don’t know if you can’t love her anymore.  I guess it’s okay, I mean I’m used to not getting things.

God, I miss you and I saw you three days ago.  I miss you so much, because when you’re here you like to make assumptions about everyone.  My favorite is the one about Allison, and how her fiancé is cheating on her, but she refuses to see it.

I just miss you so much, and maybe it’s the whole love thing? I’m still getting used to feeling emotions again, so please don’t hold anything against me if I mess up at first.

I wish you loved me like I love you.  I may wish for a lot of things, but they mean nothing to me when I’m around you.  I just wish for you, and I know it’s going to freak you out; so I’m sorry.

Sincerely,

Connor Murphy.

It was Tuesday, aka visitation day, and everyone was going fucking crazy in the progressive care unit. Allison was bitching over her fiancé again, while Tracy kept talking about her friend coming, and Michael wouldn’t shut up about his boyfriend.

All Connor wanted was sleep, but of course everyone was awake at eight in the fucking morning. Don’t forget to eat your shitty eggs and bacon.  The thought of food made Connor’s stomach upset.  His nerves were already on edge due to Evan coming today, but the disgusting food made it worse.  Was today going to be a good day?  No one knew.

So the brunette rolled out of bed, got his blood pressure taken, then headed down to the cafeteria. Black coffee and grapes were going to be his breakfast, and he was excited about the coffee portion of the meal. The bitter coffee had been the only thing truly keeping him sane in this place.

He sat next to Michael, who was chatting happily with everyone.  Sometimes the brunette hated how social the kid next to him was, but it was beneficial so then he didn’t have to speak.  It’s not that Connor hates everyone on the ward, it’s just he’s heard some pretty wild stories.

“Is there going to be a group after this?” Veronica asked and Michael groaned.  That’s how everyone felt during group, irritated.

“Yep, you guys have group right after hygiene time,” Sasha, a tech, said as she walked around seeing how much everyone had eaten.

“Sasha, you know how you’re my favorite girl ever, right?” Connor said with a flirty attitude, only to receive a laugh from the 18 year old girl.

“Connor, we all know you’re gay and that you can’t get out of group,” she stated before walking over to the other table of people from their unit.

“Dude, we all know you like that short blonde kid that comes and visits you,” Michael said as he shoved some biscuits in his mouth.  Connor was disgusted at the sight of the Latino boy eating messily, but he tried to not think about it.

“I mean, yeah, but I’m pretty sure he’s dating my sister.  Then again, I don’t know since I haven’t been home in a month,” Connor said with a shrug, and everyone at the table looked at him sadly.

“This is almost as sad as when they looked up my hooch to see if I was carrying a knife in there,” Allison said and everyone scooted away from her.  She was here so she didn’t have to be in prison, and boy was she weird.

“Anyways, so you think he’s dating your sister?” Amanda, a short ginger girl, asked while tilting her head.  Connor nodded, and Michael wrapped an arm around the taller boy’s shoulders.

“What are you doing?”

“Connor, tonight is the night that we make blondie fall for you,” Michael said, using huge hand gestures and making the brunette feel anxious.

“He’s fallen once, out of a tree,” the brunette said and Trinity started laughing.

“God, that’s really fucking sad.  You’re good at getting twinks I guess,” she said and Connor’s face grew into a deep red color.

“My boyfriend is a twink too!” Michael exclaimed, and this is why Connor hated the people in his ward. They were too loud, and too personal for his own liking.

“Let’s have a sharing group today,” Flynn, a young therapist, said and almost everyone groaned. All the therapists knew everyone hated group since it was hard to even open up to yourself.  “Come on guys, it’s not that bad.”

“I’d rather have a panic attack,” Connor said and everyone laughed while agreeing.  Self-deprecating jokes were popular here, but maybe that’s because everyone on this ward tried to kill themselves.

“You seem rather vocal today, Con-man,” Flynn said, he had to use the stupid nickname.  The therapist was well known for coming up with the dumbest nicknames, and no one could say no since the 25 year old had too much charm.

“Uh, not really,” Connor said, he felt uncomfortable with everyone looking at him.  Group was terrible because everyone stares and scans you like you’ve killed children or something.

“Come on, no one has heard from you about how you’re feeling,” Flynn pushed, and Connor hated this. Why couldn’t Monica be here to tell this guy to stop?  She’d save him.

“I’m just getting feelings again after not having them for years.  You know severe depression, weed, anxiety, and self-harm.  All kind of make you numb after a while,” Connor said shyly, he hated attention like this.  He hated talking about things like this.

“Want to talk about it?”

“I mean, not really. Typically don’t.”

“Connor, you know that this is a place you can really speak, right?” Amanda asked, everyone looked over at her.  She was giving the brunette a soft gaze, something he needed.

“It’s just my parents don’t care about the things I have to say, because I’m just the fuck up.  I’ve conditioned myself to not care, and to just be quiet,” Connor said before sobbing and putting his face in his hands.

Michael rubbed the brunette’s back, and people were telling him that he could tell them everything he needed to.  It was so much for Connor, because he’s only ever experienced this with Evan.  He calmed down a little bit, wiping his eyes before looking at Flynn again.

“My sister hates me, and I get why.  I was abusive because she was loved more, and I hated it.  I hate being nothing, and every day was another day where I screwed up. She can’t even come see me, and I can’t blame her.”  His hands found their way to his neck, strangling himself before biting the knuckles. Blood was dripping everywhere, and he couldn’t breathe.  Where could he go to breathe?

Connor got up, sobbing uncontrollably, and ran into the ward bathroom.  The only way anyone got him out was by taking him to his room so he could lay down.  Whenever he said he’d rather have a panic attack, he didn’t really mean it.

Everyone finally realized why Connor never shared anything about himself, he was too unstable to even admit to himself.

Connor slept until lunch, and he sleepily got up and walked into the common room.  Amanda was the first to approach him, not scared of what happened earlier.  She gave him a hug, and he was slow to return it.

“I’m sorry for pushing you,” she apologized, and he shook his head.  It wasn’t her fault he was like this, not in the slightest.

“Don’t worry, I’m the only one who pushed myself,” he said before patting her head and walking over to Michael.  The other boy was trying to sweet talk Ashley into giving him his anxiety pills earlier than the time on the bottle.

“I’m literally about to cry, and we don’t want to see that,” Michael said in a suave voice, making everyone roll their eyes.

“After dinner,” Ashley said, typing away at her computer, not even bothering to look up.

“What if I can’t last?”

“Then we’ll take you from dinner and bring you here to calm you down,” she said and Michael huffed like a four year old.  He stomped over to Connor, who looked dead tired, and crossed his arms.

“You know, all I want are my freaking meds, and getting them 20 minutes early will not kill me,” Michael whined as he threw his arms in the air with a big grand gesture.  Connor laughed at the 17 year old, almost crying from how hard he was laughing.  “What’s so funny?”

“It’s almost like you came over here to complain to me like I’m your dad.  Who would’ve known Michael complains to his dad?” Connor asked, calming down and Michael had tears in his eyes.

“I mean I would if I had one.  The only dad I really have is Jeremy’s and I really do like talking to him,” Michael said, opening up to Connor.  The brunette brought the smaller boy into a hug.

“Dude, I will totally be your dad.”

“Connor, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Michael asked, but he melted into the hug.  No one ever hugged Michael besides Jeremy and Christine.

“This is not fair, Connor never hugs me!” Amanda exclaimed and suddenly there was a huge group hug of most of the patients.  The warmth made Connor smile brightly.

“Why do we have to have another group?  Why can’t we just have nap time?” Julie whined, and everyone else was behind her on that idea.  Nap time would be so beneficial to them since no one ever slept at night due to the cold temperature.

“You get time to sleep at night,” Ashley said from the nurses’ station, causing everyone to roll their eyes.  The nurses knew that none of them ever slept at night.

“Tell Lolly to make it not so fucking cold at night, then we’ll talk,” Connor snapped and everyone cheered at the comment.  Everyone hated the 50 year old woman who put the temperature down to 40 on her night shifts.

“Connor, don’t be rude,” Monica warned and the brunette shrugged before sitting in a chair by the window.  It was time to be melodramatic and look out the window as if he’s never seen the outside world before.

He only did it for the effect, because they actually took them outside for an hour every day. Everyone requested a song, and would either sit at a table or lay in the grass.  Connor typically did the latter option so then he could feel the sun on his face.  It made him think of Evan.

“So, we’re going to be talking about support groups today!” Donna exclaimed excitedly as she started handing out papers for everyone.  She placed Connor’s paper on the table in front of him, and gave him a look of he had to participate today.

Michael walked over and sat next to the brunette, carrying two tiny pens.  They didn’t really constitute as pens, since it was only the ink plastic with bendy cover.  The writing tool was about two inches long, and Connor hated using it.

“Let’s talk about what support systems are.  Anyone have an idea?” Donna asked and Amanda was the first to raise her hand.

“We’re a support system,” Amanda answered with a tone of pride of being the first to answer. Donna shook her head, causing her falling out ginger hair to slink farther off her head.

“Not outside of here you aren’t.  You’re not supposed to contact each other for three months after you are discharged. It’s better to think of everyone here as a fleeting thought,” Donna explained and Connor slammed his hands on the table.

“You know, we’re in here because we felt alone.  We felt like no one would know if we fucking died, but you’re going to tell us that we can’t continue to be friends?  Support systems at home don’t immediately change, so if we don’t have each other, then we’ll try to kill ourselves again.  Does no one fucking get that?” Connor snapped and Donna looked taken aback.

“It’s for your safety, we don’t want anyone being triggered into another–, “Connor cut her off by standing up and his chair flying behind him and hitting the wall.

“For out safety? Donna, do you not realize that I literally had no one before I tried to kill myself?  I haven’t felt this comfortable around anyone in years, and they are my friends.  They’re not going to fade away, I refuse it to happen,” Connor yelled before crumbling to the ground crying.

Today had been too rough on him, but at least Evan would be coming later.  Maybe Evan could give him the biggest hug possible, and make Connor feel at home.  He missed his home (Evan) so much, and he wanted to be back there.

The group was called off after he crumbled to the ground.  Donna went to her office, embarrassed by the fact that he called her out over a rule.  Connor went grabbed his hygiene bucket, a towel, and headed to his room for a shower. He needed to shower before Evan came, so then the blonde couldn’t smell the anxiety of the brunette.

Should Connor also change? There was a t-shirt Evan brought him, he hadn’t looked at it yet, but he imagined it was fine.  So, he quickly went to shower and then went out into the room to grab some clothes.  His black jeans, briefs, and a jacket were the first things he picked up.

The shirt Evan had brought him was black with green tree patterns all over it.  The brunette chuckled before grabbing it and going back into the bathroom.

He really loved Evan Hansen.

“Connor, you have a visitor!” Sasha exclaimed, everyone was always excited for the brunette whenever he had a visitor.

Maybe it was due to him being so closed off, but after visitations he seemed happier.  Or maybe it had to deal with the amount of breakdowns he has.

Evan was waiting for him at a table, and perked up the moment he saw Connor.  He smiled really big when he realized the shirt the brunette was wearing was one that Evan bought him.  Connor knew how excited it would make the blonde boy, and that’s why he did it.

Connor felt the letter burning his pocket, but wrapped his arms around the blonde.  Evan gripped the black cardigan the brunette was wearing. They both sighed into each other, taking a moment to let anxiety flow out.

“Hey,” Evan said, his face lit up with a smile.  The two were sitting in the back of the cafeteria, and it gave the blonde full ability to judge others’ situations.

“Hey, I’ve really missed you,” Connor said and Evan nodded.  They both sucked with words when it came to speaking.   Speaking wasn’t anyone’s strong suit anymore, unless you’re Michael Mell.

“Okay, tell me some of the drama,” Evan said softly, and the brunette chuckled with a nod.

“There’s a new guy, his name is Carter, and he’s been really nice to me?  Like says my eyes are pretty like my hair, but does he not realize my hair is disgusting?” Connor asked, he looked genuinely confused until Evan huffed a little.

“He’s flirting with you, just what the, I mean you are beautiful, but like, fuck,’ Evan muttered and Connor stared at him with curiosity.

“What did you say?” Evan’s eyes went from the table to Connor in a spilt second.  He looked flustered; red cheeks and trembling hands.  “I seriously didn’t hear you.”

“I just asked if he was cute or not,” Evan lied and Connor shrugged before looking around.  He saw Carter talking to a little girl and an older woman.

“He’s right there,” Connor said as he discreetly pointed over to the auburn guy, and Evan almost choked on his spit.

Carter was hot.  He had the soccer boy haircut, nice bone structure, and auburn hair.  The blonde was guessing the other guy was around 6” tall and was built.

“You don’t know if he’s cute or not?” Evan asked, flabbergasted.  Connor wondered if this was the perfect time to pull out the letter. Maybe then Evan would know that Connor didn’t look at other boys.

He pulled it out of his pocket, and handed it to Evan.  The blonde looked confused before opening the folded paper.  His blue eyes started scanning the letter, and Connor felt like he needed to get up and run.  Why had he thought this was going to be a good idea?

Evan’s face remained neutral the entire time (except for the occasional blush), before looking up at Connor in the end.  He folded the letter, placed it on the table, and put his chin on his hands.  The look on the blonde’s face was one of needing more explanation than just that.

“So you’ve read the letter?” Connor asked awkwardly, he wasn’t good a confrontation at all.  Why had he thought this was going to be a good idea?

“You, um, you?  You love me?” Evan stuttered out, but it wasn’t in a nervous tone.  The blonde was still processing it all, and Connor knew that.

“Yeah, you know just like bro things, haha,” Connor said awkwardly only to earn a laugh from Evan. The blonde was laughing at him? Shit, abort mission, fucking shit.

“I’m not dating Zoe. I don’t love her,” Evan stated and Connor’s breath was stuck in his throat.  He wasn’t used to feeling all nervous like this.

Honestly, Connor wasn’t used to feeling anything.  This was all new to him, and he wasn’t sure if he enjoyed it or not.  The last time he felt anything was freshman year. Short haired Connor smiled more, but still struggled with depression.

“Well, I mean who said you were?” Connor asked, chuckling breathily, his face was turning pink from getting flustered.  Why the hell was this happening to him?

Suddenly, Evan went from looking all stoic and carefree, to the anxious boy he truly is.  His face turned pink, and he started to shake. His eyes were focused to the table, fingers tapping the wood, and he started chewing on his lip.

“God, Connor, just like, like how, oh my god,” Evan stumbled out, planting his face into his hands as his face turned completely red.  Connor shouldn’t have been admiring him in this moment, but he couldn’t help that the blonde was too cute for his own good.

“I’ve never been this clear minded before,” the brunette whispered and Evan smiled into his hands. They both looked like flustered messes. “Have I weirded you out?”

Evan started to laugh, something that Connor hadn’t heard before.  This started as giggles, moved to cackles, and then suddenly he was crying from laughter.  The brunette had no clue what any of this meant, so he sat there quietly and waited.

“Have you weirded me out? C-Connor, just, how, like, oh my god. Why am I so nervous?” Evan asked, wiping his eyes and stuttering his words.

“Because you hate me. You think I’m a fucking freak,” Connor said, tears prickling his eyes.  He hated emotions, he just wanted to go back to not feeling anything at all. He wanted to go back to the first day of school.

“No, no, no, no, no,” Evan started, grabbing Connor’s hands.  His voice was full of worry, and the brunette looked at the table.  “I’m nervous because I love you too.”

Connor’s eyes flew open and he looked up at the blonde.  The other boy looked super flustered, still holding onto his hands.  Evan was staring out the window, looking at the rain falling steadily.

“You love me?” Connor asked and Evan nodded.  His eyes flickered over the brunette, only to retreat as fast as they looked over. “So, no Zoe?”

“Why are you obsessed with her?  I just told you I love you,” Evan pouted and Connor just about melted at the sight of the pouting boy.  Evan’s blue eyes were on the brunette, and his little pout reached his eyes.

“You’ve been in love with her since freshman year, I just assumed that you still loved her.”  Evan pressed Connor’s hands against his face, pressing a kiss on them.  That seemed to be enough for Connor to know that Evan really did love him.

“I promise you, I love you. I don’t have eyes for anyone else,” Evan said before leaning across the table to kiss Connor on the cheek.

“So, we’re dating now?” Connor asked and Evan nodded, he looked like he was about to cry.  Connor didn’t know if that was a good or bad sign.

“I’m just so happy, oh my god.  You’re getting better, and you love me.  We’re really progressing forward, together,” Evan said with a soft smile and Connor nodded.

Even though today had been completely shit, he still got to see Evan.  Evan told him that he loves him, and then said they could date.  It made up for everything else.

Although Connor wasn’t getting help for Evan, but himself, he had another reason to fight more and more. Evan had been a reason, but now Connor felt like he was a hundred percent there for him.  It made him stronger in a sense.  It was nice to know that there was someone rooting you on from the sidelines, and maybe that’s what Donna had been saying.

Honestly, Connor just hated Donna, so he’d rather choke than listen to her bitch about making friends with your family.  She didn’t know the first thing about abusive families, and the brunette wasn’t going to let her try to tell him how to be their best friends.So, Connor started ranting about his day, and Evan listened intently to everything.  Sometimes his thumb would caress the back of Connor’s hand, while other times Evan would kiss the brunette’s knuckles.  

They both felt safe here in this behavioral center cafeteria to be affectionate, which sounded pretty weird on its own.

[dxmedstudent]

The little cup of emotion.

(TW for discussing grief, miscarriages, paediatric death and the things we see at work) You know how sometimes you’re chilling happily and you just feel like listening to music that’s a different emotion. Perhaps today’s an angry music day, or a sad music day. It usually works well; it’s easier to appeciate sad music when you are, you know, not sad. Today I decided I was sick of mooning love songs and opted for grief playlists to ‘brighten  up’ my life as I read. Weird, but OK. I don’t recommend it. It starts off with songs about missing grandparents (sad, I’ve been there), there’s always Tears In Heaven (as a pediatric doc I can’t deal with the history behind it) and ends up with Ed Sheeran songs about miscarriages. And then you’re back there, in resus, watching them bring in a tiny, lifeless baby, perfectly formed but far too little, far too soon. The entire room grave with the certainty that there is nothing that can be done. You didn’t cry, then; there was nothing you could do. But now, sitting here, you can’t stop the tears rolling down your face because the song doesn’t have to be real for it to be real. Because since you started working this job, no worst-case scenario will ever be only imaginary for you again. This isn’t just about sad songs. It’s about medical dramas and their usually implausible storylines. It’s about stories of any kind involving suffering. So many things remind me of patients I’ve seen, losses I’ve witnessed. I’m OK, and I’m not depressed right now; I enjoy my life, look forward to a good deal many things and don’t have any complaints at present. I’m not kept up awake at night thinking of these events; most of the time life carries on perfectly happily.  I wouldn’t even say that it’s necessarily always traumatic when this happens; it’s always sad, and often upsetting, but sometimes it’s a form of healing. A chance to reflect and grieve over something you couldn’t deal with at the time. There are things I’ve been meaning to write about or reflect about but couldn’t really deal with at the time. Sometimes it’s exactly  what I needed to move on. I didn’t cry watching films when I was younger. I’m a sappy person, yes, but it wasn’t as much of a thing for me. I’d watch a film, and it was a story; sad, yes, but not real. But the further I got ith medicine, the closer things hit to the bone. I witnessed and experienced suffering in ways I hadn’t as a layperson. It’s like you have a cup of emotion.  And normally, it’s not very full, so you can watch a film and reflect that it was sad that someone died, but it’s OK. Except now, when you work in medicine, your cup of emotion is always nearly full. There’s always so much going on at work. People share their stories of pain and loss and suffering and you feel for them. People die. People get diagnosed with incurable illnesses you know will take their lives soon. You share stories with your friends and colleagues; the interesting, the weird, the really happy, and the really really sad. Eveyone is always stressed, and you’re always looking after each other. You get on with things, and you stay strong at work because you have to; that’s what your patints need. So you don’t get to feel things then, and you don’t get to process things then. But it builds up. Later, when things are quiet, and nobody needs you to be strong, it happens. Even if you’re going OK and things are under control, and you really aren’t beating yourself up about it, because what you did was exactly what you were supposed to do. But all it takes is something to remind you, or fill your little cup of emotion to the brim, and that’s it. You’re always that little bit closer to just spilling over. Sometimes it’s because you don’t have the emotional reserve that day. Sometiems it’s because it’s just too much like real tragedy you’ve seen. You know how hard it is for real people, and that make spectating more uncomfortable. When you’ve been real suffering, a parent who’s lost a child, someone receiving a diagnosis that will kill them, it changes you in ways you didn’t realise. You’re not just an observer of the human conditioin, you are very much involved in the best and the worst that life brings. We all deal with things differently. I know for some people, it’s numbness and not thinking about things, trying to forget. For others it’s burnout or depression or other things entirely. Some write as a form of therapy, some chat to friends and family, and some try to distract themselves with fun things. I like talking about medicine, and writing about it, even the sad things. Sometimes, I like to reflect on them, even if it makes me feel sad for a while. Because I’m OK enough to cope with it, and then move on. It’s lucky that’s the case; I can see why our jobs get to so many people, it’s hard. But, I’m OK with sometimes remembering, and I deal with things as best as I can, same as everyone else I know.  We do our best, to be true to our patients as well as ourselves. I can’t change the fact that tragedy happens; no matter how hard we work, it will always be the case. if I remember, then it’s not like they never existed.

[dyscopian]

A Year on My Own

I’m terrible about blogging, or journal keeping in general. I’ve tried them all: previous tumblrs (agentslander which is now just a mess of SPN memes and gifs; the other is brendonurie, given to me by a friend years ago that kind of just turned into reblogging fan art because I feel obligated to post something when I have over 75k followers), word presses, bound books, composition notebooks and ugh, I wish that I could keep up with my bullet journal as well as I’d like, because I’m always coming across new spreads for it but I never stick to it.

It’s doubtful that this will be any different, but I’m into my third glass of wine and instead of working on any of my novels like I should be, I’m tinkering around with all the thoughts about my own life.

A blog has to start somewhere, and while I hope to use this more to run around with ideas for novels, character development and short stories, I also want to use it as a place to just work through my own thought processes.

My lease is almost up, which means it’s been almost a year now since I started out on this little venture that feels like true adulthood. I’ve been reflecting on that a lot over the last few weeks and just processing everything that’s happened in a year and what I’ve learned.

It’s funny how I have a ten year old daughter and had been married for several years but this last year has been the first year since 2008 that I’ve been on my own without living with roommates, friends, family or lovers. It’s given me a chance to really explore myself and find my identity in solitude. The last time I lived alone it was about finding my identity outside of my broken marriage, but this time around it’s had a more positive spin even if there’s been trials and tribulations.

I can sage my house without religious judgement, light incense and sit in a lowly lit room with a glass of wine or a bowl of weed and write, listen to music, read, mess around with tarot cards all while listening to music loudly or letting repeat episodes of Doctor Who play, or just enjoy the silence with the faint sound of my cat purring next to me or my chickens clucking around at my feet with their happy little trills.

That’s me, curled up on the couch watching documentaries on things that will kill in the Victorian home or watching Outlander and wishing the Weeping Angels from Doctor Who were real, because how awesome I think it would be to be sent back in time. I get to be weird and I get to be myself.

In the last year, I’ve graduated from college, learned how to take care of chickens of all things, found what I will and won’t tolerate in a job, friends and partner. I’ve met some of the most incredible people who have helped me discover things about myself. I’ve gotten out of a dead end relationship. I’ve learned the struggle of balancing bills on a low income, which has been a greater struggle than when I had been balancing them in a marriage.

I’ve been to a protest and experienced the rage of knowing the way the media twists events in favor of the system, in order to protect what’s broken rather than stand with the truth to fix it. I can stay out if I want to stay out and come home when I want without having to check in with someone.

These all seem like simple things and maybe I’m experiencing them later in life than a lot of other people but I met my ex husband when I was nineteen and from there never got to experience the independence that so many other people I know had before they settled down. And you never really know independence until you’re truly on your own.

I found out I can still break my own heart by falling for the wrong person. That may not seem like a beautiful thing, but it is. It’s been almost eight years since my divorce and nearly a decade since I let myself feel anything even close to relating to passion. People can’t hurt you if you don’t let them in and despite all my desires to let others in and trying my hand at a few relationships, I could never bring down my walls enough to give them any vulnerable part of me.

It threw me into this whole idea that I might be asexual, but I’m not. If anything, over the last year I’ve begun to embrace the fact that I am bisexual more than any other box that I might be shoved in and I’m standing up for that now, speaking louder about it rather than just shrugging it off and trying to figure out what’s so wrong with me that I can’t open up to the men that I thought I should be able to.

I chose relationships with people who I was better off being friends with and because of such the relationships lacked passion and chemistry because I tried to force myself to feel something that wasn’t there for me, like I was trying to fill a role I was supposed to fill;  but, I know now that I am fully capable of feeling passion and taking risks in being vulnerable. That, regardless of the circumstances that make it impossible for anything to develop, says I’m not as dead inside after my divorce as I thought I was after nearly a decade of being shut down towards others. Which is incredibly beautiful. It’s the latest lesson I’ve learned and I almost didn’t get that chance.

I tried to commit suicide back in July. I downed an entire prescription of Amitriptyline days before Chester Bennington committed suicide and ended up in the hospital two days after I took the pills. It wasn’t rational or thought out. I was just exhausted. Every paycheck coming short for rent and my other bills. Starving myself for days to make sure my child got fed and utilities stayed on. Unhappy and unheard in my relationship.

I had gotten into a fight with my psychiatrist the day of the overdose because I had gone off a medication that was interfering with the Amitriptyline I had been given for my migraines by the neurologist that she had recommended I see. She took me entirely off my anxiety meds because I wasn’t “compliant”, when those were the pills I needed more than the ones I had been told to go off of by the neurologist. It was just a catalyst after trying for over a year to work with her to get into TALK therapy, only to be thrown on all these medications that were making me sick and making my mental state worse.

Just a few months prior I had lost my circle of supposed friends over childish drama with some girls whose popularity on the internet trumped rational thought and whose mindset hadn’t moved past the he said she said of high school. After my overdose, I lost the last one in that circle because my attempt was inconvenient for her and she put my business on the internet and the circumstances for over 1,500 strangers to see on her Facebook on how people shouldn’t talk about suicide to her because it upset her; almost within the same breath of having told me to always come to her when things get to how they were.

My attempt and Chester’s suicide so soon after was a wake up call. I hadn’t been that low since my ex husband and I had separated before the divorce. Even my miserable experience in Pennsylvania hadn’t gotten my mind that bad. I’m not a suicidal person by nature. I fear death, because there’s too much left in this world to experience and I thrive off learning. Can’t do that if you’re dead. I went off all the medications entirely and I’m myself again, able to cope better with my ups and downs without the chemicals in my head being thrown off by all these artificial replacements.

Not that I’m an advocate for that as it does help some people function better depending on their condition. It’s just I’ve never had a condition that anyone’s ever been able to pinpoint as one thing, so they never could figure out what medications I might actually need. Ask one doctor and they’ll tell you I’m bipolar. Ask another, they’ll tell you I suffer from PTSD from my childhood. Another tried to diagnose me with summer seasonal disorder. My old boss thought I was a mix of OCD, anxiety disorders and cyclothymia. As a teenager, they tried to diagnose me as borderline personality disorder, which has NEVER fit me and came with a stigma I never earned or deserved.

They don’t know anything and they don’t take the time to talk to me to find out anything, they just throw labels of diagnosis around. Psychiatry isn’t an exact science because we still don’t fully understand the brain. Pills don’t fix me, getting me to focus on my proper coping skills fixes me. I can only rely on myself for that. That’s why I art in any form I can, but most importantly, it’s why I write and I couldn’t write while so sick and drugged up.

The cocktail of medications I was on was what was killing me, not the stress, as I’ve been able to manage it better since my system’s been clean of anything but weed, my mini pill birth control (so no estrogen) for my endometriosis and B complex. But it’s another lesson I’ve had to relearn while balancing adulthood on my own and I’m thankful for that too, that I’m even still here. I shouldn’t be. Not after that much Amitriptyline. I’m not a religious person, but clearly I’m not done learning and experiencing. Chalk it up to whatever you believe in. I just think my story isn’t finished.

Being on my own has helped me escape. I grew up an only child, so I need space. I’m an empath by nature. My dad used to tell me I was too sensitive and I had to learn to quit, but I never did. It’s why I hate religion because I see how it hurts others and I feel that. I feel the political situation in this country and all the damage it’s causing to humanity. I’m a sponge for information, but I also take in all those emotions of everything and everyone around me. Animals, peoples, things. I feed off energy. It’s draining. I have a certain allotment of what I can handle socially and then I need my space from all human contact.

The independence I have now gives me that and I get the chance to detox from the world. I haven’t had the ability to do that in a long time, but I’ve had the chance this year to recognize how badly I needed that opportunity and to do so again, without judgement or people jumping to conclusions as to why I might not have any interest in socializing. It’s not a lack of interest, it’s too much interest. Now I know that it’s okay that I do that, that I step back sometimes, and I recognize that when I couldn’t before because I was always surrounded by people. It’s just me, who I am and I get to embrace it and that’s been eye opening. Everything this last year has been.

There’s no rhyme or reason for any of this. Consider these all just wine thoughts and reflection. I like to ramble. If anyone even read all this, kudos to you.