#like this has genuinely just made me cry
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Love the fact that even though top surgery has been shown to be perfectly safe for fat people, the NHS are like "oh, your weight is concerning" like fuck you so much.
There's scientific evidence showing that there is no greater risk for fat people. This is just fatphobia.
And also, it's so frustrating in my case because now they're gonna ask me, someone who is both chronically ill and genetically predisposed to eating disorders, to go on a diet and do exercise.
They're literally dangling it in front of me like a carrot on a stick saying "oh, just put yourself through loads of pain and psychological distress and you can have it. You can finally go outside and know that you won't be immediately misgendered, just traumatise yourself first!"
I'm so fucking exhausted.
#vent post#delete later#maybe#kai rambles#fatphobia#tw fatphobia#medical fatphobia#im pretty sure it wouldnt help but god do i want to just show up to my next appointment with the fucking research articles showing#that it is safe for people no matter their size#like this has genuinely just made me cry
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Theres something about the idea of Sparrow and Logan's birth thats really hitting me.
Sparrow has been fighting their entire life, even in their childhood we see them having to resort to violence. They've spent their entire adult life stuck in the past, fighting entirely for the goal of avenging Rose. The future has never mattered as much as the past does, no matter how much Theresa whispered about it.
But now theres Logan.
For the first time, they do have a future that matters, Logans future.
Not the future Theresa tells her of, not the violence they've always known, not the weight of the world of the world on his shoulders.
Violence is an integral part of them thats so intimately woven into who they are as a person.
They don't want it to be like that for Logan.
I think thats clear in the way that Logan seems to idolize them, the fact that he chose to go on expeditions outside of Albion as opposed to being forced to. The fact that he seemingly was unaware of the darkness and the destiny laid for him and the hobw to try and stop it before meeting it.
According to Theresa one of their children is meant to save the world, but Sparrow has their first child, sees their son, innocent and yet to be hurt like they have, and chooses a different path, even if only temporarily.
In a way its finally avenging themselves, the child in them that was killed with Rose and replaced with a hero tormented by all thats happened. As long as they're alive, they'll keep their children safe from that same fate. They allow them to have a life outside of being a hero, unlike them. They allow them to have a childhood. They free them from the expectations that were held on them.
Logans birth is a huge moment for Sparrow for so many reasons, it's not just the birth of the first child, the one they get to be with the longest, but its arguably the birth of a new Sparrow.
#fable 2#fable 3#fable#sparrow#hero of bower lake#logan fable#this isn't the best thought out post#might delete it because I am kind of a teensy weensy bit out of it but i has made me cry thinking about this lmao#I just have a lot of thoughts about sparrow and logans and I couldn't stop thinking about a fem sparrow#holding a newborn logan; knowing full well what Theresa told them about their childs future#and deciding as long as they live they'll protect him from it#like we don't know when they hide they guild seal but they do#they cut off the way Theresa can speak to them; and I know they tell walter how to find it to give it to hobw#but I'd aruge thats because while they know they can prevent the ruining of their kids childhoods but their fate is inevitable#sparrow likely wasn't the best parent; i imagine it was a struggle; but also I do genuinely think they try#they try so hard man#sorry I'm ramnling lmao
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🍷<3
#when i got hashtag sick i was in hospital and i was doing my regularly scheduled call with my dad#and i really had no plans of telling him bc ive done that before and its not like he can scare the MS away or anything#i dont know what happened. maybe because it was such a fucking bad episode. maybe because i was so tired. maybe it was a secret 3rd thing#but one minute was like fine then i just burst into tears and i was crying so hard which is MEGA EW BC IM NOT A CRIER LIKE THAT#and my dad freaked out and he was like whats wrong and i didnt wanna tell him but I also sounded insane bc i spontaneously started sobbing#and he was getting more alarmed and i was upset that id upset him and so i just spat it out i was like 'listen king'#'its no biggie but my body is trying to kill me again and im just a little sad atm' and he replied 'baba why wouldnt you tell me?'#and this man who has a very big serious job literally dropped everything and took a 20 hr flight over#and he genuinely just grabbed one of his work suitcase because he showed up with nothing but dress shirts and his laptop#and i think maybe it healed me a little. i mean it def also made me sad too but mostly healed me#and he'd been here for a couple of weeks and he left today and i feel shit about being sad about it#again because he has a very big and very serious job and i genuinely dont understand how he even just showed up like that#so I felt guilty throughout#anyway i dont think he drinks anymore but i was like king have a sip of wine with me and he did and it was lovely#and I hope I become my fathers daughter and not my mother's child. praying to both our gods#heres to healing ❤️🩹
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So okay I know I was literally just whining about school a bunch but it is definitely awesome to get to see all my (and I do have some, believe it or not) friends again! The one I was worried about was actually super chill so I think it’s fine now lol. She does have beef with my other friends though and she does still hate the friend I maybe sorta have a tiny crush on.
(Okay so that friend that I might have a crush on held my hand today when we were walking to English class and I stg I was moments away from spontaneously combusting.)
(Ignore the messy drawing lol)
She’ll be yapping about something that annoyed her meanwhile I am no longer breathing and by some miracle she remains completely oblivious.
She keeps doing stuff like this and that’s why we had so many dating allegations last year lmfao
#Okay so she has told me to my face that her type is tall strong girls#And I mean.#I’m 6ft.#I lift.#Soooo….. I’m her type?????#She’s a dance major and last year she choreographed a dance (with a group of eight dancers) as a school project#But she dedicated it to me which like#Did make me cry bc it was a really beautiful dance and so sweet of her#She also made me these super super pretty bracelets#With mushrooms and Celtic knots and purple and green beads#Plus she keeps calling me pet names#And we have gone on dates but not real dates just as friends#I just feel like if she like liked me than she’d be more nervous right?#But she’s super confident and stuff#i don’t know#Someone help me#how do you know if a girl likes you or not#Oh and sometimes she’ll just show up to school with my fav flavour of energy drink for me#Like I don’t even have to ask she’s so nice#help me#Is she just a close friend who likes holding my hand and braiding my hair or are we dating I genuinely don’t know
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I am unreasonably upset about the fact that I've been forced to accept that Gabriel was a Gerald.
For context, in An Inspector Calls, Gerald Croft is engaged to Sheila Birling when he meets a homeless, struggling Eva Smith in a bar, and essentially in return for a home and money he shows her affection (ahem), then gets rid of her once he no longer has a use for her. Now, obviously this isn't a direct translation, but the essentials are - a Gerald is a character who uses another character, in return for something they need, usually masking the fact that they're using them with affection and love.
And against my will I've had to accept that this is exactly what Gabriel does to Nathalie.
Did I want to think he had potential to be better? Did I think he genuinely cared for Nathalie?? Hell, did I just really really want somebody to care about Nathalie???
Probably all of the above but the point is: he's Gerald. And I cannot - I literally can't unsee it now. Their whole dynamic in S3 is like “oh boohoo I'm sorry I wish you didn't have to use the peacock Miraculous and kill yourself over it but uh I need to use your powers” “yeah no that's fine I'm all good”. Which, given the "Gerald" theorem, I'm assuming leads to the fact that what Nathalie needed, above all, was someone to care about her - and Gabriel came along, as Sheila Birling puts it, "like a fairytale prince", and was so caring and gentle and... Yeah. She fell for him. And. Yeah he genuinely did seem to care like twice. But so did Gerald. Gerald actually admits that he did care for Eva, just not the way that she cared for him, and, uh, not enough to not just dispose of her. So he discards her anyway when she stops being useful.
Leading me neatly to my point.
He starts using the peacock Miraculous the second it's fixed, the slimy bastard, HOWEVER. It runs way deeper than that. Assuming I'm right (which I almost DEFINITELY am), then Gabriel only needed Nathalie while she was useful. She didn't stop being useful in season three - she's still scheming for him, helping him with plan after plan. It's only partway through season 5 that she officially servers ties with him, and starts to actively hinder him.
Nathalie stops being useful when she fails as Safari. And I reckon that's when Gabriel and Tomoe decided she had to go.
(It's painfully, I-was-ugly-crying-over-it obvious in Conformation that Gabriel is fully prepared to let Nathalie die - in the original storyboard, her alliance was encouraging her to sleep, and he's very obviously prepared for this moment - I've made a separate post about it that I'll link if I can find it. However, onto the next bit)
With all of this, there's one thing that sticks out to me - Nathalie didn't see any of it until it was already too late. There could be many reasons for this. But you know who would have seen through it? Whose parents were all loving and perfect until she married the wrong man? Emilie. Emilie, who left behind those videos, which on the surface look innocent, but when you look deeper look like a (love confession???????) AHEM a warning. I reckon Emilie noticed what was going on and realised that Nathalie wouldn't see through Gabriel, so she left those videos addressed to Nathalie (not Gabriel, which surely they should have been - they were about him, after all - unless they were there...) as a warning. I don't think the videos were supposed to be about helping Gabriel, I think Emilie was warning Nathalie to get the fuck out of that house, and to take Adrien with her. Because Emilie knew it'd end like this.
Yes I'm still mad ok give me a break.
#Not a direct translation obviously#(although I hate the fact that my brain has AUTOMATICALLY made the links between the peacock Miraculous and Emilie and... yeah#as in#it fits better than it should as an allegory)#Anyway yeah my mad evening ramblings™#This began as an angry rant and became a theory#But yeah it's so so obvious I've said it before but it's SO glaringly obvious that Nathalie is desperate for any kind of affection#“girl what were YOU doing at the devil's sacrement -” I am also desperate for affection!!!! Shut up I'm talking!!!!!#It's really really obvious like I'd guess#(given that she seems to live with the Agrestes and has a... past certainly)#there's no family in the picture#And yeah so I'm tired now if you have questions ask them I'll elaborate#Just remember that I'm so fucking obsessed with An Inspector Calls that it's genuinely a plot point in one of my books#So the comparison makes sense ok???? Let me go to bed#(read found-family fanfic and cry)#miraculous ladybug#miraculoustalesofladybugandcatnoir#nathalie sancoeur#gabriel agreste#emilie agreste#adrien agreste#miraculous#an inspector calls#gerald croft#Yes I'm tagging this with AIC and Gerald ok I want a bunch of GCSE students to look up the tag and be confused out of their fucking minds#Voilà i guess#Oh yeah there's problems with this bc Emilie tells Nathalie to stop Gabe#but there's nothing saying she didn't then add “oh and if you can't then get the hell outta there babes”#“with OUR little prince” (????? That line is still so confusing what does it MEAN)#Oh ig I should tag this with eminath bc of the last bit
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(╥﹏╥)
#We've had our yearly secret santa gifts exchange at my dorm and I've been gifted the first volume of Beast 😭😭😭😭😭#I'm crying forever. This december marks three years since I've watched the first b/sd episode#and yet this is the first time I actually own a b/sd manga volume. Like I own it and I can read it whenever I want!!! How cool is that!!!!!#Like there's so many Akutagawa images in it!!!! It's insane!!!!!!!! AND IT'S BEAST AT THAT#I'm deeply moved because I never spoke about it to virtually anyone here (at my dorm)?#Like I suppose a bunch of people vaguely know I like anime but only a couple of close friends know I like. Like-like reading manga lol.#And the person who gifted it DEFINITELY didn't know I like anime in general much less b/sd specifically much less Beast in particular!!!!!#I'm 100% sure (they just arrived this year and we hadn't even had that much occasions to talk to each other).#Which means they went through the trouble of gathering intel from my close friends about what I like and actually follow through‚#seek for the specific manga in a comic store etc... It's such a nice gesture I'm so heartwarmed.#And of course I'm glad for every gift I've received in the last years (genuinely)‚ but the fact that this was the most *specific* to what–#I like. It makes it so special! They were so kind.#There must be one (1) person in this whole 60 people dorm who knows I like Beast–#(that would be the girl who introduced b/sd to me in the first place) and the fact that they asked them for it...#I feel both very grateful and lucky lol#When I unwrapped it!!! Like I thought it was just a random book which would have been nice but like!!!!!#When I actually saw through the thin paper the cover!!!! The scream I screamed in my head#Anyways!!!! I own a b/sd manga now!!!!! I've only got time to go through the first chapter so far but it's suchhhh an experience.#It's like reading it for the first time again 😭😭😭 Half because the translation is so much different than the English one lol.#And I basically know the English version by heart. Half because I never saw this kind of high quality!!!!! It's!!!!! Insane!!!!! Like!!!!!!#I'm crying 😭😭😭 The drawings are so sharp and crisp (in the good way). The lines are so clean there's no disturbance at all#I literally never saw anything so good in my life I'm crying a little. I'm so so glad they blessed me with Beast specifically#The takebon edition is pretty cheap (it's just planet manga so there's no color illustrations or dust cover or anything unfortunatelly.#But to make up for it the volumes are significantly cheaper then let's say J-Pop)#There's also some unique typesetting choices? The text from the book-like boxes is in lowercase which is interesting!#Initially I thought I wouldn't have liked the translation (opening it randomly there was Akutagawa saying “crepa!” (“die!”) to Dazai in ch1#Which was kinda jarring since it's very low register and everyone knows Akutagawa has very complex speech patterns.)#But actually reading it I'm really enjoying the translation so far!!!!#There's so many choices that made me grasp details I actually missed all the times I've read the English translation.#That is to say! Very excited to read it!!!! Will probably make a review / translation commentary if I can find the time!!!!!
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you know what sucks? when something evokes such intense emotions in like... a good way but you genuinely just cannot explain it and it's not like a normal reaction and like you wanna talk about it with someone who also gets that same amount of emotional over it but no one else does bc it's not an inherently emotional thing?
#literally someone tell me why i am sitting here genuinely crying while listeing to 'top one' from the fourth bnha stage play...#like that song isn't inherently emotional??? i cannot even begin to describe the kind of feeling it evoked in me but like. GODDDD#the same with iwtbah like. it hits me SO HARD. EVERY TIME. it has made me cry SO MUCH. it is a comfort song. i listen to it on repeat when#i'm sad and i cannot even begin to describe why. it just makes me feel so much and it sucks bc i don't know anyone else who gets the same#way about it and like no one Gets it so i just look so stupid getting all emotional over it ahhhhhh#okay sorry guys#i'm just. crying. so much. and idk why it got me so hard but it Did and i just. y eah.#corey talks:)
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i will never understand how some people can actively shit on something they know someone loves and finds joy in right in front of them. how can you hate something that makes someone else happy in this absolutely fucked world in front of them.
its the passive aggression for no reason i will never ever understand or do to others. if you have a passion, fucking LIVE it. if nothing else, passion gets us through every shitty day, and i will always support it.
have passion in spite of those who hate.
#its absolutely mind boggling to me#and genuinely makes me so fucjinf upset#i was sitting next to my sister who has been nicer to me than usual as she is talking to her online friend and im doing my nails silently b#its her polish and i didnt wanna take it out of her room. but i look up and shes ranking music genres which is all cool. but without#hesitation as the first one at the most bottom tier she put kpop. like i understand its not her cup of tea but i was like okay thats#something that actively makes me wanna keep living yaknow. and she knows that. so i was like#‘interesting placement for kpop’ and she didnt say anything so i said ‘im not sure youve listened to it enough to have such a violent#opinion on it’ and she immediately got angry saying shes ‘heard enough’ and then got mad at me for saying that saying why was i being ‘like#this what the fuck’ and my heart genuinely sunk into my ass but i couldnt leave even though i felt like crying bc i only did one hand and i#was drying at that moment plus i didn’t wanna make it a big deal. but this is not the first time she’s actively hated on my music without#prompt from me and it just makes me ????? like. music taste differs with everyone i understand this and i respect it. if something brings u#happiness then i would love to hear and listen even if i wouldn’t choose it myself. but being a bitch about it. idk#ultimately its the fact of being mean for no reason over someone else’s passion makes u a fucking asshole#:)))) im not crying bye#ashley rambles#to delete later#my mom and brother do it too btw. hating on it and making sure i hear it.#my mom was doing it the other day and my 7 year old nephew kept saying ‘pook i love it. i think its cool’ and it made me cry because kids#have the capacity for such unaltered kindness as the world has yet been cruel to them#idk man
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it's actually so stupid
#vent in tags sorry about this#like.#fuck im so mad#like being in fandoms for me feels like#im on the floor with everyone playing toys right. having a great time#and everyone has blocks#i look around and everyone is assembling structures with their blocks and its so cool!! this is so fun#but i dont do anything with my blocks. they dont make sense. i can't comprehend how to stack them on top of each other.#and its fine until im reminded that i dont have a tower of blocks#i dont know#like fuck im so fucking mad purely at myself#that i cant analyze media in the way i see people do. that i dont have headcanons. that i dont have ocs as well#its so fucking frustrating#and i know i know i don't have to do any of that and it's okay ! and maybe it will come with time !#but i want that i want to stack my fucking blocks!#and its been like- four years or so of this same shit im so MAD#it doesnt come!!#and yes i have ocs but do i do shit with them?#can i answer a simple question about any one of them?#fuck no#i regularly cry or almost cry about this im so sick of it#um. kouka if youre reading this i dont mind your ask or anything genuinely im happy for interaction hello yay#yeah sorry guys i dont think ive ever made a tumblr ventpost i just got reallyy upset#live kaard reaction
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Hey, look guys, more art-
HOPE.
I’ve been wanting to draw him like this ever since I first saw him smile, but my will to draw eluded me until now! This started off as a doodle, so, please excuse the messiness. I drew this to de-stress.
“Fire” Red belongs to @creatively-cosmic. They have a blog called @themissingnumbers, which is really good! Go check it out if you want to see more.
[Sketch + Colored Version below the cut!]
#Not my greatest work but it’s what I made :)#Hope you don’t mind the lack in quality- haha#I’ve made better pieces#but I still like this one!#I feel like I’m getting better at drawing his hair lmao-#I just kinda messed around with this one but I really wanted to draw him smiling#Fire smiling makes me happy :)#He deserves to be happy#and I hope I can help him attain that happiness.#Even if my help is the equivalent of Baby Steps lmao#Gotta start somewhere!#I could not find the font used for the hidden text for the life of me#but I found a similar one!#Hope Starry and the Mods are doing well!#And I hope we get to see more Happy/Hopeful Fire in the future :)#His smile is precious-#(Bonus!: Y’know what I really wanna see? Red smiling. And not the creepy wide/crazy/manic smiles he usually has.#I mean a true honest-to-god genuine smile. Now THAT would be a sight for the history books. Red deserves to smile too.#Just like everyone else does.#That might be my next goal aside from befriending Leaf—getting Red to smile.#Is that probably going to be extremely difficult? Oh most definitely! But I think he’s worth the effort.)#(Bonus-Bonus!: I wanna give Red a hug so bad-#but I also feel like he’d bite me or something if I tried :(#Maybe he’d just let it happen? Or cry. Or both—who knows?#Red deserves some gentle treatment. He’s been through a lot too.)#I wonder who I’ll get the will to draw next? Hopefully I’ll do them justice!#Long ahh tags Jesus Christ- Didn’t know I could max them out.#Missing Numbers#Fire Red Yuuji#My Art
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good morning to togame jo as i tenderly brush my fingers through his bedhead. he's still asleep but i can't help admire his gentle face: his lips are lightly curled into a content smile, his eyelashes framing the slope of his eyes, and his breaths are slow and still in a deep slumber.
i take a chance and delicately cradle his face in my hands - he's still very much asleep. mindlessly stroking his cheek, i feel an arm wrap around my waist all of a sudden, entertaining a yelp from my mouth. togame's embrace is warm and snug, as i now find myself buried into his chest - so close that i can feel his heartbeat echo in my ears. togame's hands now rest on me, one on my head lightly ruffling my hair, and the other around my back.
what i don't see is togame's smile, now wider than before (maybe he was awake this whole time).
#it's always a good morning with togame#he just looks so peaceful when he's sleeping i might cry#but he has a terrible case of bedhead#and it's adorable (don't tell him that)#let me give him a good morning kiss#also. i've been trying to think of a selfship name#hanagame#togahana#hanagama genuinely sounds like a turtle species#but it's the only one that can be made into a kanji and still make sense#羽南亀#idk we'll think harder about it#togame jo#wind breaker
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la cage aux folles musical. that is all.
#WHERE HAS IT BEEN MY EJTIRE LIFE#i need to find a slime tutorial ASAP#listened to both the 1983 and the 2010 albums and i can't tell which one i prefer#i do like that the 2010 one also had more tracks so i had a better idea of the characters and their interactions when they're not singing#and maybe that's why that one made me more emotional#but regardless. fucking awesome i need to watch it NOW#genuinely song on the sand look over there with you on my arm making me almost cry#ESPECIALLY the 2010 version bc of the aforementioned more tracks/talking in the songs#so it's just like oh. oh oh oh. gay love is real and beautiful and possible and is everything. i see. no im fine just gimme a moment.#also kelsey grammar sounding hopelessly in love just made me go and turn into a sentimental puddle of slush#oh and of COURSE i am what i am. like fucking hello. god.#bluebird.txt#la cage aux folles#the musical OF ALL TIME!!!!#the best of times is now bitch. so love and love as hard as you know how 💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼
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Adding to my ever growing pile. A fic about Darryl getting Grant to eat and them just. Existing and figure stuff out. N talking.
( muffled scream sobbing from behind my bedroom door)
#Matt and Anthony made two characters that make me wanna rip out my own guts. just hold my liver in my hands#i can imagine Grant losing his appetite/avoiding food bc it makes him sick while he's Going Through It and it worries Darryl a lot#so he'd try to get him to eat a little.#ALSO. DARRYL HAS BEEN SHOWN!!!!!! TO LIKE MAKING FOOD FOR OTHERS. LIKE A GENUINE ACT OF LOVE#this definitely parallels how him and his family was poor/had little resources like....#idk im projecting but he definitely cooks and gives so much bc now He Can and GRANT REFUSING/NOT BEING ABLE TO ACCEPT IT....#guys. guyssas#I will cry over the Wilson's. its so easy
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The problem with my art right now is that 1) the little drawing time I have goes to @daily-basil ; 2) I have phases, and am currently deeply unmotivated ; and 3) when I do draw what this blog is currently about (Arsenic) I draw him in a gay way (because I love him deeply) and not like the unhinged person he actually is. I'm sorry I'm so soft about him right now. Yes I want Sunny and him to tear each other apart but they also need to love each other so so so much first
#siiiiiiigh...#im sorry i need him to hold sunny gently and tells him he loves him and yes he'll say it in horrible unhinged ways BUT#poor man who does not know how to love and does not know he can be loved. he is convinced he needs to manipulate people to make them stay#writing down arsenic lore for tosteur like two days ago made me so emotional about him. shaking and crying#there's not even like An Event it's just that his whole childhood sucks and he's never been accepted by anyone and he's so lonely and#(starts crying)#he does horrible horrible things but all he does to sunny truly comes from love. deeply inhumane and twisted love but love nonetheless#(except when he's being a selfish ass who doesn't have any sort of morals and generally doesn't give a shit about other people. of course)#god he's such a horrible person (/simplification) i love him#he does not care about hurting other people and only cares about his own selfish desires#he thinks he can do anything he wants and if other people get hurt by his actions it's not his problem#don't you DARE touch a single hair on sunny's head. not in a 'i care about my bf' way btw.#but because if sunny gets hurt. he has to deal with that and 1) it's boring unless it brings him something and 2) that's *his* plaything.#even when he does nice things for sunny he doesn't make it just to make sunny happy#he does it so that sunny will associate happiness with him and stay.#that's what he thinks consciously at least. he always had ulterior motives for everything he does#it doesn't really make him calculating because it's automatic at this point. it just makes him deeply selfish#my poor little boy who has never had anyone genuinely care about him before...#which doesn't excuse shit of course but hhhh i love him so much.#(D if you see this. this is about the OC not the guy. of course)#arsenic#rant#sometimes i think about nick like a normal person ('he's so awful and interesting') and sometimes i just slhrflfbfb. (cries)
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Sunshine Institute story?? ‼️ OH OH I’M EXCITED-
Built so much for this silly story and in the end it's an oc x canon 🫶 cowardly old bald man filled with regret and a longing for something more, doomed by the narrative and forced to conform to the will of a god who is no longer himself... meets a tired soul who has spent his whole life in the shadow of those above him, sent below the bedrock, submitting to the will of the universe with no real idea of what he had just done... only to once again be placed second in the ranking, an even darker shadow cast over him.
It's ok tho they're just silly billies !!
#I'll introduce Vice soon I think. He's very silly I think you'd like him#basically Vice is the Warden's erm.. Vice Warden.. bc of a big dramatic crying session from the Warden after Romeo tried to replace him#he made Vice second in command instead bc he didn't want to deal with his whining#also bc the institute was falling apart at this point and Romeo didn't want to deal with it#but he knew he could drop the workload on the Warden and Vice without argument#plus Romeo likes to prove himself right#so if Vice could handle things better in five minutes than the Warden could in fifteen years#he'd feel that rush of power again#there is a LOT more to it than that#like derealisation. the Warden losing his eye. there's a genuinely important game of chess in the void. it's a crazy intro#and like Vice's bacstory in general deals with Ellegaard and I have a whole thing built with the warden and carmine OUGH there is a lot#but the main story generally follows the Warden and Vice falling for each other and understanding each other's struggles :]#the power imbalance quickly fades as the warden starts realising that woah.. this guy respects me beyond me just telling him what to do...#wahhh I don't want to give away all of it#but I got like. a big oxblood story in there too. he has a big storyline with Vice.#OUGH I'm TERRIBLE at explaining but I PROMISEEEE IT'S SO MUCH COOLER THAN I EXPLAINED#very silly but also genuinely tragic story#romeo just didn't predict the old man yaoi when he appointed Vice
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I've written 5000 words of lucanis and rye fic the last two days and the only reason the wip isn't even longer yet is probably that my brain turns into useless ash and blows away for the day once it's channeled the lightning bolt of writing energy for a couple of hours and needs to sleep before it can stand up to another onslaught.
#god help me experience suggests nothing else can#in a move every single person who's ever read anything I've written could predict it's literally just 5k and more to come I'm afraid#of two people talking (and at least one person crying) a bit of internal monologue and also some jokes lmao#under my particular sun at least there's never anything new. I know what I'm about and I'm always about it#I wish my brain was a little less feast or famine when it came to writing b/c idk what's worse -- tediously spending months#trying to connect mostly finished paragraphs and scenes at a snail's pace. the fucking GRIND to get to the finish line#or trying to keep up with the torrents of words suddenly being forced directly into my brain and vibrating all my neurons#at a dolphin-bothering pitch that can carry no other signal. trying to keep up with yourself when it suddenly starts pouring in#is so fucking stressful fhsdkj. you never fucking know when it'll run dry and leave you to either abandon a wip#or get started on the long slow teeth-clenched grinding phase is the thing. I've got abandonment issues from my own creative drive#(or capacity really. I always have drive I only in rare glittering moments have capacity. awful combination would not recommend)#please please please brain don't let me down on this one I would like to see it done and in less time than two fucking years#also I realized in writing this I genuinely forget that rye is technically my oc he has such a clear voice in my head#gotta hand this one to bioware they made rook such a little guy. he's literally some guy sometimes I just get to decide what he says a bit#I'm like... his agent or something#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#well mostly it's me traumadumping about my writing process but for archival purposes lol#humming with both creativity and boundless frustration like a live wire. the me experience (two stars. some potential but also. ugh)
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