#like the weird gendered implications of that particular reading are so very not it for me

[fiona-fififi]

...

[gay-jesus-probably]

(Feel free to ignore this-! I’m just happy to hear someone’s deep takes on Zelda)

I really love your deep dives and interpretations/discussions on the Gerudo people and their history, influence and life in BOTW/TOTK (I totally agree with all you’ve said)

I just want to ask/Point out (after reading your imperialism post about TOTK) didn’t the Zora for many years like- not want to serve or be a part of the Hylian families army either? Like, even before Mipha’s death, weren’t the Zora very much against conforming to the Hylian’s rules and such? (In every game?) I’m a bit confused on how Hyrule is split up, the Zora’s having their own kingdom(s), the Rito and Goron’s having elder’s/their own leaders but still serving the royal family??

It’s always bothered me how these separate races all still have statues to the Goddess Hylia (Started in BOTW) and not their own deity’s to pray to or follow (Like the Zora praying to Nayru makes sense, or even something like Jabu Jabu to bring back- or the Rito could’ve prayed to Valoo, a great dragon or something.)

It just feels like Nintendo COULD’VE put so much care into all their races stories and histories! But oops no this game will be for Kids(TM) and we can’t put anything too deep or serious. Makes me sad :( I wanted to see them in a deeper context.

Oh yeah, it's very weird that they just put zero effort into explaining some of the worldbuilding. I mean, in BOTW it makes perfect sense to have the races be off doing their own things! It's post apocalypse, Hyrule does not exist anymore, these different communities have no real reason to interact with each other! And I really liked that BOTW outright showed that there was no particular effort for diplomacy, but people still got along as individuals - I liked that we saw different races hanging around each other. I loved that there were Gerudo in Goron Town to trade for their gems, I loved that Goron were allowed into Gerudo Town because they're a race of rock people that legitimately don't have any real need for gender and just use masculine terms by their own choice, and the Gerudo understood that. And I loved the whole Tarrey Town sidequest, because it actually felt really satisfying to build up a new town that had inhabitants from all the races, not for any particular reason, but just because they were people that wanted to live there and work together. They didn't need a big central government to make it a whole Thing; they were just getting by.

And we also saw the less good side of these things, like that one guy in Hateno that greeted you at the gate, and decided Link was trustworthy specifically because he was Hylian, making it clear that xenophobia still existed. I like that Kass was kind of thrown by Link asking if he was a giant bird, and the implication that Link was being kinda insensitive there and Kass was choosing not to be offended. I liked that there was a Hylian couple on their honeymoon in Rito village because the guy genuinely loved the town and its culture, while his new wife looked down on the Rito and hated being around them. And I liked that the older Zora still held a grudge against Hyrule for many things, up to and including the fact that Mipha died defending it, and the older generation would rather risk everyone's wellbeing than accept help from a Hylian that had been involved. And I like that you can run into other Hylian's near Zora's domain that outright tell you Zora have been trying to recruit them to do something important, but they all refused to get involved because they don't think that those weird fish people could have anything serious going on and it all seemed really sketchy.

My point is, BOTW really did feel like it'd been a hundred years since the end of the world, and everyone was just trying to get by and live their lives. You saw people being open minded and accepting other races for no other reason than the fact that they were all people, and you saw people being petty and bigoted just because they didn't trust people that looked and acted differently from them, but for the most part people were all just getting by and doing their own thing. BOTW gave the impression that Hyrule had been an equal alliance between the Hylian's, Zora, Goron, Rito and Gerudo (and with the Sheikah having a considerably less equal role, specifically built on the Sheikah having been forced to submit to cultural genocide to save their own lives, and the Yiga clan being the survivors that fought back instead), with Hyrule acting as sort of the core of the alliance, if only due to literally being in the geographic middle.

I mean fuck, the existence of the Divine Beasts suggests that things are equal! Yeah, Hyrule has a royal family with holy powers due to literally being the descendants of a Goddess, and they're the ones that always get the reincarnation of the Hero that's the only one who can wield the bullshit OP magic sword... but they don't get a Divine Beast (Link's dinky little DLC motorcycle doesn't count). The Divine Beasts were specifically made to be weapons of mass destruction, and they were specifically made for the non-Hylian races. That really does suggest an active effort being taken to balance the scales, that the ancient people saw that only Hylian's were granted divine favour, and so if the gods wouldn't give that power to other races, they'd fucking make it themselves. The existence of the Divine Beasts feels like a promise to keep everyone on equal footing, and say what you will about pre-Calamity Hyrule, but they didn't even question keeping that promise.

...And then in TOTK, all of that's just gone. The Sheikah aren't their own people with a complicated relationship to the throne, now they're just Hylian's with a different aesthetic. The 'alliance' between the races turns out to be built on Hyrule's first King and Queen pointing their stockpile of magical nukes at everyone and asking them politely to become their subjects, and pretending not to notice the implied threat that they'd magically nuke anyone who refused. In BOTW the Sheikah race being sworn servants of the Hylian royal family was acknowledged as a fucked up situation, and that power imbalance being horribly abused in the past was what created the Yiga clan. In TOTK, we're outright told that Rito, Goron, Zora and Gerudo all exist for the sole purpose of serving the Hylian royal family, and that is framed as a good thing and the proper way of the world; the first sign of Ganondorf being evil is that he refuses to submit.

And even putting all that super gross ancient past stuff aside, the present day is equally fucked. Hyrule has been gone for a century. In BOTW, few people even remembered that Zelda had ever existed, and of those people not many of them cared. Nobody was really interested in having a central government, they were all getting by just fine on their own. And again, it was made pretty clear that the pre-calamity situation had been an actively maintained collective alliance between independent nations. There was a reason that people were predicting that Hyrule's monarchy would be abolished in TOTK, and that's because we all saw that there was literally no reason for anyone other than the Sheikah to respect Zelda's authority as a ruler - the Zora were the only other people to still remember her, and they were completely done with the Hylian royal family anyways. If Zelda rolled up declaring herself the Queen of Hyrule anywhere else, she'd be laughed out of town, because that's the standard response to a random teenager showing up and informing you she was actually the highest authority in the land. Zelda had no inherent authority left at the end of BOTW, if she wanted to be in charge, she'd need to earn it. That's the state of the world that we were shown.

Except nope, nevermind, Zelda's the almighty God Princess of the world and literally everyone mindlessly accepts her ultimate authority. She can order people to strip naked and walk into a monster den to die for her amusement, and they would immediately do it without asking any questions (yes I know the underwear thing was a misunderstanding, but the fact that everyone jumped to follow the misheard order without a single question is horrifying). And the imposter Zelda arc just hammers home the point that Zelda is in a completely unearned, lifelong position as dictator of the world, and literally nobody cares if she abuses that power. Zelda brainwashed Yunobo and forced him to ruin his own business and nearly destroy his own people? He's just worried she'll be angry that the mask keeping him brainwashed was destroyed. Zelda summons a giant monster to attack Yunobo and Link then walks away? Oh my god, the giant monster Zelda just summoned to kill us might hurt her, we have to save Zelda from it! Zelda literally openly attacks King Dorephan and tries to murder him? He'd rather go missing in the middle of a crisis and suffer alone in hiding than let anyone know that Zelda just tried to kill him. I don't understand why they bothered with the fake Zelda arc, because literally nothing the fake Zelda does is allowed to have consequences.

It just doesn't make any goddamn sense. Nobody feels real anymore, there's no politics between the races, there's no reason for anything being the way it is now. The entire world of Hyrule has been reduced to just Zelda's Fanclub, and nobody would ever consider doubting her for a second. I don't understand why the fake Zelda arc is in the game, because it's never actually allowed to be part of the story. Nobody actually cares about 'Zelda' tormenting people, and so we're told that there is literally nothing that can possibly happen to make Zelda lose her authority. There's no stakes. We're not supposed to care about anyone who isn't Zelda, we're not given any real reason to care about Zelda herself, and so why the fuck are we still here?

...I've distracted myself a lot here lmaoo, I'm not really sure where I was going with all of this beyond just rambling about shitty writing and bad continuity. The point is, BOTW had some really good writing and worldbuilding. That Hyrule felt like a real place inhabited by actual people, and the different races were their own, independent people. When they worked together, it was a sign of them putting time and effort into reaching out to each other and meet on the same level. Meanwhile TOTK feels like it's made of fucking cardboard most of the time.

(Also for the record I agree that the Goddess statues being Literally Everywhere was kinda fucked, BUT I'm willing to let it slide as a matter of just game design; that's where you go to trade spirit orbs for upgrades, so you want a spot to do that in every major town for player convenience. And using different deities in different areas wouldn't work, because the players are introduced to the mechanic with a goddess statue; they're not gonna naturally assume that the statue of a giant fish can do that too, so most of them would assume the statue is scenery and just ignore it. I thought it was at least a nice touch that the goddess statues had different decorations in some towns, and that some towns put the statues away from the main areas; it gave the impression that while everyone while worshipping Hylia was widespread, everyone was doing it differently, and in some places it wasn't very popular - just look at the Kakariko statue being in the middle of town with a well maintained pond surrounding it and torches to draw more attention to it, then compare that to the Gerudo Town statue being down a side street on the edge of town, away from the main gate, with nothing of any real importance nearby, and nothing to get people's attention. It really works with the Sheikah's culture being built on their devotion to the Goddess, while the Gerudo's history with Hylia and her followers is a lot more complicated, and so their statue's location implies that worship of Hylia is pretty unpopular among the Gerudo.)

[waterdeepthroat]

for the pride oc ask game, 5 and 6 for lottie!

tysm!

5. How did you figure out your oc’s identity?

So, Lottie was my first BG3 OC, and she was kind of the character I used to fuck around? Idk. I knew I wanted her to be pansexual and just really really horny because that was before any of the news came out about which characters were polyamorous, so I was trying to figure that out for myself, and I wanted to trigger every single romance option I could. Over the course of the game they slept with Lae’zel, Astarion, Shadowheart, Mizora, the Emperor, Haarlep, and the drow twins (I forgot to end the shadow curse in act 2 so she never got Halsin lmao). Her being transfemme was also a complete accident on my part- I remember messing around and trying to see all of the genital options and I planned to just leave her with the default, but I forgot and actually got jumpscared the first time I took off her armour lol. It was a surprise but I was just kinda like, “fuck it, I’ll roll with it.” So, tl;dr, Lottie is transfemme because I accidentally gave them Penis B and then I just decided to work it into their backstory. Unfortunately I don’t have a better answer than that- pretty much everything about Lottie was me accidentally sticking shit to the wall and just going with it. (Lottie was always supposed to be some form of non-binary though, because I chose they/them pronouns in-game and was overall just really excited to hear what that sounded like in a video game.)

6. How does your oc feel about labels? Theirs, or in general?

I was actually talking to Mac on Discord yesterday (if you’re reading this hiiii) about Forgotten Realms slang and the weird homophobia/transphobia that pops up, despite this being a world where bisexuality is the norm, trans people supposedly aren’t discriminated against (with the exceptions of some highly gendered societies, like the Drow and possibly Rashemen). But Lottie is from Luskan, originally, which doesn’t seem to have any particular word for trans and pan people, so I’m just going to go with the whole Realms equivalent. They would identify as sildur (an elven loan word meaning trans, but with some kinda weird implications that we’re gonna ignore) but not poised (the general Realms word for people who haven’t “finished” transitioning, which is used by other people to describe someone, which gives me the ick for obvious reasons). Since bisexuality/pansexuality is the norm, I wouldn’t assume Lottie would make that a huge part of her identity, though she could also be considered a wild one or thaethiira (someone who uses kinky magic in bed, specifically transmutation magic). Overall, Lottie is just a very proud kind of person, so I’d imagine they’d be pretty up-front about being sildur if it came up (as it would have to their many, many partners) and would feel very attached to that label. However, being called poised would piss her off, and she’d take it to mean that the work she’d put in to appear more feminine wasn’t “good enough” for people.

[starmalt]

Finished reading A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas the other day. Had some thoughts I wanted to get out about it.

I don’t follow booktok, I don’t see any of it and I don’t seek it out. What very little I heard of this book prior to reading didn’t sound particularly interesting to me, and the only reason I’ve read it is because I received it as a christmas gift, and I felt I might as well see what all the hype is about. And having finished it, I… still have no idea why this book has so much hype behind it.

I don’t care about any of these characters, for one thing. The two main characters of Feyre and Tamlin don’t have a lot going on beyond “likes to paint + cares about her family + Loves Tamlin” and “Likes to play the Fiddle + unwilling court lord + loves Feyre,” respectively. Maas goes through great pains to write paragraphs of text explaining the backstories of Tamlin, their third wheel Lucien, and the villain Amarantha, but none of it ever amounts to anything interesting happening in the moment. The only character I found to be at all interesting was the sister Nesta. She’s initially portrayed as being a huge selfish bitch, that does little to help the family and spends all the money Feyre earns, and then later on, get’s a lot more depth with the realisation that she was the only one in the family who cared enough about Feyre to break through High Fae glamour, and the way she describes hating their father for how much he let down their family. She’s was the one single character that made me want to spend more time with her.

I expected a story about noble Fae courts, lords and ladies and royalty to involve a lot more political drama, dealing with high society/courtly etiquette, but it rarely comes up. Half the book is spent describing the two MCs going on picnics, arguing over surface-level racism, or brooding on “how can I love such a horrible creature!” There is some court drama that comes up, but it’s not til fairly late into the story, and none of it’s very interesting or complex.

The prose is bland and repetitive. Everyone’s always clicking their tongues, cracking lazy smiles or feral grins. The clicking tongues in particular got to me in particular as feeling like a strange choice. In the first few chapters where we’ve only seen the mortal realm, I tried to take the good faith approach that maybe this was just a weird choice of cultural thing in this region. But then nearly everyone ends up doing it, including the villain, a human hating High Fae from a different island entirely. There’s also a few instances of metaphor that feel, questionable. “My bowels turned watery” in a moment of fear and dread sure is a… interesting, choice of words to go with.

I also couldn’t help but feel weird about how often the author insists on using “male” and “female” as descriptors. I can’t easily put it into words, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Semi-related is the way that Fae, despite being ethereal immortal creatures, living for centuries, adhere to the same strict binaries of gender and sex that humanity does. I saw a fan trying to defend this once, saying “she doesn’t want to write ‘that’ kind of book,” to which my immediate reaction is a massive eye-roll at the implications of “tHaT kInd of bOoK” but it’s also lazy worldbuilding. Like, at one point in the book, Tamlin is required to take part in a sex ritual to bring about the coming of spring, which involves being possessed by ancient magics that drive him into sniffing out a fae woman to perform the ritual with. Feyre, learning about this, asks “but wait- then how come males were also there?” to which Lucien explains “well, after he performs the ritual, we’re allowed to also mingle with the women there,” and it all feels so lazy and uninspired. Not to mention, high lords like Tamlin have the ability to shapeshift into powerful, predatory creatures. The narrative draws attention to it frequently. In moments anger or stress, the beast is barely contained beneath the surface, claws poking out at the knuckles (this happens constantly) and you mean to tell me that they subscribe solely to human experiences of sexuality?

The lazy worldbuilding isn’t limited to just LGBTQ adjacent topics, either. Things that could be interesting get hand-waved away as unimportant or not worth the time to explain. There’s a lot of little things here that bothered me. The way that characters refer to the mainland solely as “The Continent” (it’s not named??? + strange word choice!).Likewise, “Prythian” doesn’t sound like a proper name for a country, so much as the word for a person from a place called Pryth. And why is the main setting for the story shaped exactly like Westeros? Feyre doesn’t know how to read, but she knows the word “effervescent.” The reason for a pond being made of starlight isn’t something worth thinking about, just a place for the love interests to skinny dip. There was one thing in particular that really got under my skin, to the point that I can’t let go of it, and it’s a moment early on where Feyre claims that humans have no holidays.

I thought that was a strange thing to say, but the story goes on to explain that humans were formerly enslaved by the Fae, and therefore forced to celebrate only their holidays, only their gods. I thought the idea that no humans ever tried to hold onto their own beliefs in secret, or no one ever thought “why don’t we have a day off” after being freed was dumb, but it was a ignorable kind of dumb. Until Feyre learns of the spring solstice ritual and thinks to herself “humans have no holidays. The only thing close to this would be the spring celebration back in my village – nothing religious – just a small gathering in the center of town with a small harvest feast and a day off of work.” You mean- like a holiday???? I was baffled. It got even worse when the story drops the fact that humanity’s been free of slavery for 500 years. I have so many questions. Why does there have to be a religious connotation in order for a celebration to be considered a holiday? People have celebrations for all kinds of reasons outside religion – changing seasons, in honour of important historical events, or people, harvest times, natural events (like a meteor shower or notable animal migration). Humans forgot all their old gods from before the slavery – and in 500 years no one tried to come up with new ones, or just plain old superstition of any kind? Myths or legends? What about the day they were freed from slavery? Important leaders who came out of the war with the Fae?

The story, the worldbuilding, characters, the prose – none of it came across to me as being very interesting! So why is it so hyped? The only remaining explanation must be because people like how scintillating it is – except, even that isn’t done very well. The vast majority of the romantic gestures illicit an eye rolling “oh my god, they were roommates” reaction out of me, and scandalous moments are fairly tame, all things considered. I’ve never been a big fans of phrases like “I’ve read better fanfic than this” because it implies that fanfic is inherently bad. But like, genuinely, if I was in the mood for reading a hot and steamy romance, I would prefer to look up a fanfic of a preferred ship. It gives me the impression that this really is a book for normies who maybe want to read trashy, horny, fantasy romance, but considered themselves to be above fanfic or other obviously trashy books, and so they take refuge in something deemed acceptable by way of popularity.

All in all, I think my thoughts on this can be summed up in – if not for it’s sexual content, I would assume this book was written for children.

[scarubaru]

James Wood wrote an essay targeting post-modern fiction, specifically books like White Teeth, Infinite Jest, and The Underground. You can also include the likes of Pynchon and Murakami in this corpus of work, though the last author isn't mentioned in Wood's essay. Anyway, the gist of this essay was that these books are awash with ideas and information and numerous plots and sub plots, and that this is all very impressive, from a technical standpoint, but it doesn’t really have any impact. You’re not enticed to return to any of these books once you’ve read them, not like say, Madam Bovary, to give Wood’s example. He calls the style of writing in these post modern novels Hysterical Realism.

Now I think Wood is being kind of a crank here; he has a particular set of literary sensibilities, and he gets prickly when those are overlooked. When you’ve been a critic for as long as he has that’s probably a hard thing to avoid. And I enjoyed White Teeth, and The Underground. Their density and intricacy is what makes them interesting to me. Wallace I've not read, so I can't assess the criticism leveled at him. Still, I agree with Wood on his assessment of lack of impact, though I'd phrase it a bit differently.

One way you can go about writing a story is to ask "wouldn't it be weird if." That's how a lot of genre fiction is written. Wouldn't it be weird if there was a society where people could change gender at will? How would they conceive of gender? What would the societal and political implications of this be? And then you see where that takes you.

Books like White Teeth, The Underground, and The Wind Up Bird Chronicle ask a lot of 'wouldn't it be weird if' type questions. It's kind of baked into their premise. They are so long because they pile on these questions, these plot threads, and try to connect them by the end. The issue is, and this is where lack of impact rears its head, they rarely follow up on these questions.

So take Wind up Bird Chronicle: Wouldn't it be weird if one day my wife vanished, and in the process of trying to find her I crossed paths with a psychic prostitute and a traumatized war veteran from Japan's Manchuria campaign? Yeah, that would be pretty weird, and Murakami keeps you reading by presenting these scenarios, but they never go anywhere. There are no implications to any of these scenarios. The story climaxes, these plot threads connect, briefly, and the story ends. Toru, the protagonist, is as detached as he's been since page one.

Murakami's ability to pose these 'what if' questions, to compose characters based on them, and then connect them through hundreds of pages is impressive. Ditto for Smith. Her characters are less passive than Murakami's, but they're still tangled in a web of eccentric plot threads that seem eccentric for their own sake. You as the reader are being shown a cabinet of curiosities, and they're all organized and presented neatly and methodically, but once you've gone through it all and read the little placards you can't help but wonder what it is the curator is trying to convey.

I'd argue genre writers are much better at posing and answering 'wouldn't it be weird if' questions. They want to dive in and explore the implications, and they're not afraid to get their hands dirty in the process, so to speak. If Gethen, the planet in The Left Hand of Darkness, were incorporated into a Smith or Murakami novel, it would be a throw away plot point. You may get twenty pages of description about politics, history, culture, and an emphasis on how utterly 'weird' it all is, but at no point would the author try and see where that weirdness might take them.

Finally, to stretch all this to its breaking point, I would argue that when Flaubert wrote Madame Bovary, he wasn't asking 'wouldn't it be weird if' but rather, 'what if.' He wasn't interested in didactic finger wagging, and so he could conceive of characters, put them in situations, and follow them. It was a story that 'could have happened', and so the term Realist Fiction. That's the sort of fiction Wood appreciates.

When you start wondering how weird it might all be, you have to let your characters get caught up in that weirdness. It's not enough to relegate the weird to an aesthetic choice, and the characters can't be passive spectators, otherwise you get a tangle of plot threads that, when viewed as a whole, aren't terribly impactful.

[autisticandroids]

Just here to say Angle Autism is the most powerful phrase.... please tell us more.... I know you have that God Tier Autism Content 👀👀👀

so i actually have a lot of thoughts on this. first, read this essay, it made me think many thoughts years ago when i read it. 

anyway, there’s two really interesting things about angels established in canon. first of all, they’re not all ambiguous disorder weirdos. lots of angels are just regular people with no particular disorders. and it’s unlikely that it has to do with how much experience with humans they have, given the huge amount of experience with humans cas accumulates over the course of the show, and how much he remains an ambiguous disorder weirdo (even if a better adjusted one). also, anna is definitely also an ambiguous disorder weirdo (if a less obvious one than cas) like, her bluntness and her coldness and her hyperrationality and her somewhat weird mannerisms..... and like, she lived as a human for twenty years. it’s not about experience. it’s about being an ambiguous disorder weirdo.

at the same time, a number of angels are ambiguous disorder weirdos, that seems really common. it’s not just cas. anna, rachel, hannah...... there are others but i’m blanking. from a doylist perspective, this makes sense: those are all angels who need to be sympathetic, and the thing about angels is that they follow a rather alien system of morality that causes them to think nothing of committing a lot of really terrible crimes, so portraying them as naive to the evil that they do is kind of required, and like. cas is already there, pulling the naive because of ambiguous disorder shtick with his whole heart, so like. that’s kind of the path of least resistance. angel you need made sympathetic? make them cas-ish. (this also helps because the audience loves cas and maybe if these angels remind us of cas we’ll love them too). the doylist perspective also explains why, other than cas, all the ambiguous disorder weirdos are “””female””” (angels don’t have genders, but from a doylist perspective the perceived gender of the angel influences both their treatment by the writers and their perception by the audience) angels: women are more likely to be perceived as helpless and therefore sympathetic, so good angels tend to be female, and giving an angel ambiguous disorder is another way of keeping them sympathetic, so good angels tend to be ambiguous disorder. 

on the other hand from a watsonian perspective this is has some wild implications. like it seems that ambiguous disorder is just really common among angels? does it have something to do with status? also the implication in lily sunder has some regrets that female-vesseled angels like, experience sexual harassment drives me SOOOOOOO crazy, that combined with female-vesseled angels being more likely to be ambiguous disorder weirdos is like!! especially since we know cas used to have a female vessel (and we know he’s come up in the world since then, he was given his own command). there’s so many things, like. i know i personally have a history of walking eyes wide shut into situations where men are creepy to me because i, an ambiguous disorder weirdo, don’t realize that this is a creepy situation until FAR too late. like i am very trusting and gullible. and we know certainly that that’s a trait cas shares, but it seems likely that this is common among ambiguous disorder weirdo angels. would only a stupid, trusting angel choose a female vessel? i think about angels and gender constantly. and also ambiguous disorder. what the fuck.

anyway i love referring to myself as an ambiguous disorder weirdo it’s my favorite phrase. the joke here is that i have a professional diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder from a psychiatrist which i received as an adult. i am, in my own extremely humble opinion, very funny.

[gendercensus]

I saw that you removed third gender because of the anthropological definition- that's not the definition most people use for it. Third gender relates mainly to the western binary and means a gender that's neither a man nor a woman but something else. It's now known as maverique, which has a flag and is more popular, but people who had the gender identity before the word was established used third gender instead because it was the easiest to explain. I just wanted to clarify this because seeing someone call one of my genders a scientific term was super weird and kind of offensive. As much as I care about the safety and comfort of poc in the nb community, we already replaced the term while acknowledging that none of us meant the one that is incredibly transphobic and racist to begin with they just co-evolved separately and with nothing to do with one another. If possible, a note that the history of third gender as a nb identity and as a term within anthropology would be really appreciated. Our community is very small and I'd hate for young nbs to feel as though the term they relate to isn't a gender they can identify with without being bigoted, especially when we've done the work necessary to establish community elsewhere where there are less problems for everyone.

For context, this ask is a reference to this part of the 2020 worldwide report:

Last year I decided that I would remove terms from the checkbox list that were chosen by under 3% of participants in both the over-30s and under-30s group and that didn’t correspond with other more popular terms on the list. This year one term met the criteria: third gender. I looked into the phrase a little more last year, and found that it’s essentially a term used by white anthropologists to describe non-straight-non-cis people in non-Western societies. That could include LGB people and binary trans people, in addition to people whose genders are not described by the M/F binary. On the basis of racism alone I am very happy to finally remove this term from the checkbox list next year.

There is a lot going on in my head in response to your ask, so I’m putting it into bullet points to tidy it up!

I would really love to see some sources to back up the claim that maverique has the exact same meaning as third gender and that one has replaced the other. Something about this claim feels very off to me and I can’t quite articulate why.

I can definitely see how third gender as an identity term could have evolved separately alongside the use of third gender in an anthropological context. “So if you’re not a man or a woman but you still have a gender, what are you?” “Oh you know, some third gender, I guess?” It’s very intuitive, and the definition is right there in the term itself.

I agree that the way I talked about the term third gender in the 2020 report doesn’t take into account the people who started claiming and using it independently of the anthropology context. My tone was pretty insensitive, so I’d like to go back and edit the report to correct that.

My understanding is there are several words that mean “a specific and whole gender identity entirely distinct from female/woman/feminine and male/man/masculine”. To claim that one particular word has entirely replaced another with the exact same meaning, with the implication that this was an intentional community decision by consensus, seems very bold to me - there is certainly no mention of it on the Nonbinary Wiki pages for third gender or maverique - so if that truly has happened I would like to read more about it.

~

Edit: Also, just spotted this:

I saw that you removed third gender because of the anthropological definition

That isn’t true. I removed it because it was chosen as a checkbox option by under 3% of respondents in both the over-30 and under-30 age groups. With some exceptions, anything that is chosen or typed in often enough will be on the checkbox list, regardless of whether or not I personally like it.

[elyvorg]

So… I was talking about aspec V3 headcanons? Well then, let me lay down the facts.

Maki Harukawa is on the aromantic spectrum. Yes, even though she explicitly develops a crush on Kaito, and no, I’m not trying to dispute that part.

This is basically canon. Let me tell you why.

Maki is aro

For this, we need to consider the conversation Maki has with Shuichi in the first training session in chapter 4, while Kaito has temporarily disappeared to the bathroom. On one level, this conversation exists to be the only actual meaningful indication* that Maki has romantic feelings for Kaito until she goes and confesses them. Someone like Maki wouldn’t care about asking Shuichi if he “liked” Kaede (in that annoying loaded meaning of the word “like” that specifically refers to romantic attraction) unless she was trying to come to terms with the idea that she also “likes” someone else in the same way, and the only plausible candidate for that is Kaito.

But even more striking about this conversation, far more so than the general implication that Maki would only bother asking this if she happened to be crushing on a certain spiky-haired space dork, is the way Maki approaches and thinks about this whole topic in general. Take a look:

Maki:  “Well… I assumed you didn’t, because that would be weird. […] Liking someone you just met… especially in a situation like this…”

Shuichi:  “… Then tell me… under what circumstances is liking someone *not* weird?”

Maki:  “…Huh? I… don’t know. I don’t… really understand what that is.”

I, as an aromantic person myself, fully agree with Maki that it just seems weird to start romantically liking someone you’ve only just met, especially in a life-or-death situation where surely there’s way more important things to be focusing on. But apparently, most people do not find this thought weird at all – love at first sight is supposedly a real thing that can happen, and something something dangerous situations can bring out more hormones and passion???? sounds fake but okay – and so opinions like mine and Maki’s here are very much outliers.

And not only that, not only does the thought of crushing on near-strangers bewilder Maki to the point of disbelief, but she also can’t even come up with an answer to when crushing on someone would ever not be strange and bizarre. Like the whole concept is just alien to her. She can barely even wrap her head around how “liking” someone in that way even works. The very reason she’s even asking Shuichi about this is because she doesn’t understand why she’s feeling this way about Kaito.

This is how an aromantic person would view this kind of thing. It doesn’t sound even slightly like something an alloromantic person would say in this situation. That’s not up for interpretation – that’s just the truth about these views that Maki is expressing. Again: I’m aromantic. I would know.

Even from a character who then does turn out to nonetheless have a crush on someone, these statements are pretty much as canonically confirmed arospec as you can get short of them straight up using the word "aromantic" or a variant.** And, well, obviously Maki isn't about to go calling herself that. From the way she’s questioning this, she clearly doesn’t realise that her perspective is the outlier, so she’s probably never even heard of the term. Besides, she most definitely has way bigger hurdles to be getting over first in terms of her self-acceptance before she's ever going to particularly care about figuring out labels for her orientation of all things.

Aros with trauma are still aros

Now, granted, I severely doubt that Maki being arospec is what the writers intended to convey. Haha, deliberate aro representation in mainstream Japanese media, especially something more complex than vanilla aro, that's a funny joke. What the writers probably meant by writing this conversation I just discussed is to suggest that Maki is viewing things this way a result of her trauma.

But hey, guess what? Even if it is because of her trauma - and I'm not denying that it probably is - that doesn't make Maki any less aro. Some people are arospec because of trauma, and that's equally as valid a reason to be arospec as without. Maybe Maki would have grown up alloromantic if she hadn't been scouted as an assassin, but that's irrelevant, because that's not the Maki who exists now.

In writing this conversation, the writers were presumably attempting to communicate that Maki is so messed up by having been manipulated and abused and moulded into a soulless killing machine that she can no longer comprehend the idea of how or why anybody (especially not herself) would fall in love with someone when they'd only just met, or even really in any circumstances at all. …And in doing that, the writers unintentionally wrote a character who, as a result of her trauma, is aro(-spec). This is an objective fact about the canon story that does not change just because the writers probably weren’t aware enough about aromanticism to actually realise this.

Aros who feel romantic attraction are still aros

So, of course, Maki does in fact come to romantically love Kaito despite this. That fact becomes very important to her, and me lengthily explaining here that she’s actually arospec is not remotely trying to diminish that. But it’s also very important to me that people realise that Maki’s romantic love for Kaito comes from an aromantic perspective. She eventually chooses to embrace those feelings not remotely because it just feels to her like the natural way things should go, but despite every single conscious part of her insisting that this is weird and illogical and doesn’t make any goddamn sense to even be happening at all. She is not going to suddenly fall into all the boring romantic cliches and stereotypical alloromantic approaches to love just because she does in fact happen to be experiencing romantic attraction. There’s nothing alloromantic about Maki’s crush on Kaito.***

As for the specific flavour of arospec that allowed Maki to fall in love with Kaito anyway? This part is somewhat more up for interpretation because there’s no real explicit indication of this in particular, but I personally like to go with the idea that Maki is demiromantic. It feels appropriate for Maki’s character and trauma to imagine that she can only begin to potentially feel romantic things towards a person when she has an emotional connection with them – when she trusts them and knows that they trust her. It doesn’t necessarily have to take very long – she’d only been friends with Kaito for a handful of days before that telling conversation with Shuichi – and she may not even have to have consciously admitted to herself that she trusts them, but she needs to have that bond. She’s normally so guarded and has such strong automatic barriers up during her interpersonal interactions that seeing most people in a romantic light literally isn’t even an option in her brain.

Maki’s confession of her feelings for Kaito does read as rather strongly demiromantic, I think. She makes a point that this is about who Kaito is and what he’s done for her, before even getting to the part where she admits to having fallen for him. And she says she “fell for” him, not that she was always in love with him or anything to that effect. This happened somewhere along the way during their friendship, because of their friendship, and because of Kaito being his incredible trusting supportive self towards her when she needed it most.

Maki Harukawa is demiromantic, and she’s wonderful.

  ---

[some grumpy Amatonormativity and Aro Erasure 101 footnotes, can you tell I am bitter about this kind of thing]

(* When I say “actual meaningful indication” of romantic feelings, I mean something that isn't just the narrative infuriatingly pointing at things that are actually perfectly platonic in nature and going “ooh look how romantic~!”. Newsflash: worrying about somebody and wanting to rescue them when they're sick and injured and have been kidnapped by someone you think is an evil sadistic mastermind is not somehow proof of romantic feelings. That is a thing that friends do. And on the same note, teaching somebody how to build a crossbow is not some kind of deep metaphor for romance; it is literally just a lesson in how to build a goddamn crossbow. Maki would have done both of these things in exactly the same way if her crush on Kaito didn’t exist.)

(** It's exactly like how characters can be considered canonically confirmed same-gender-attracted when all they've done is show attraction to the same gender****, without them actually needing to explicitly refer to themselves with the word “gay”, or “lesbian”, or “bi” or whatever else. Anyone who tried to insist that was necessary in order for it to “count” would instantly be written off as homophobic. So if that’s the case, then a character explicitly saying something such as “I don’t understand what it means to like someone that way” equally constitutes them being confirmed aro, and trying to argue that it doesn’t “count” without outright hearing the word itself is, guess what…?)

(*** This also inherently means that there’s nothing straight about Maki’s crush on Kaito either, since societally-expected “straight” attraction is allo as well as hetero. I gather that some people in this fandom like to devalue and erase Maki’s crush (and potentially also Maki herself) because they feel that it’s an Obligatory Forced Straight Romance and don’t like that, or something along those lines. Well, good news! It’s literally not that, actually, because Maki isn’t straight.)

(**** …This only applies so long as it actually is very clearly romantic or sexual attraction and not just people deciding platonic affection is totally romantic thanks to the disease that is amatonormativity. Because, you know. That happens. Literally all the time. (Even from V3’s narrative itself; see footnote 1.))

[mrmrblueeyes]

Writing Trans Characters

Hello! My name is Jasper, I'm FtM and I'd like to give some thoughts to people writing trans themes, particularly for cis people who may want to write a trans character. Just a warning! This is probably going to be kind of rambling and may not come across as completely organized.

Now listen. I'm going to be honest, I only thought of this because I found an insert fic where the reader is coming out as a transgender man. It was alright, but I did have a problem with it.

You just need to use b/n or something of the sort, rather than y/n because most trans people don't see or want to see their birthname as their name. I, for example, use Jasper because that, not my birthname, is my name.

It was basically written like this; y/n was used to mean the reader's old name, and then their name was o/n or "Other name."

The author did say she had to be educated before being able to write it, and it's something very small, but I personally feel like it's off putting- which could just be because of my experience, and if other trans people don't mind or think I'm being ridiculous, that's well within their right. Like I said, it was fine! That was mainly my only thing.

Now onto other stuff!

Even I have had to think through implications of how I write characters that are like me. I honestly haven't read many pieces about trans people by cis people, to my knowledge.

Most of the trans media I consume is made by other trans people, though I have watched movies like Boys Don't Cry or Three Generations, which both have cis actors and I'm fairly certain the latter is made by cis people as well as the first one.

Personally, my one desire for trans media is that it doesn't revolve around the trauma of living the trans experience.

Don't misinterpret that; those are important stories, I believe awareness of our struggles is not a bad thing. However, it's kind of weird for cis people especially, because media has put forth this story as the story, and cis people seem to love writing it.

This is especially apparent in my earlier example of Boys Don't Cry, or, if you would like, take a pick of any crime show involving a trans victim. I'd recommend watching the documentary Disclosure if you'd like to hear more on that.

I think a good example, one that I liked anyway, would be Lily and Dunkin. It's written by a cis woman, and it comes across in a way that is real but with consideration for the trans children who may pick up the book. It represents the issues Lily faced in a way that is easy for younger audiences to understand, and honestly, I could partly relate to both Lily and Dunkin. Point is, it's a good book.

Of course, you may and probably are not writing a children's book.

It's best to have a trans voice with you if you want the best portrayal you can get. While every trans person is different, you'll probably get a better understanding of what a trans audience would like in general.

If you are writing about trans trauma, don't do it outright. Again, going back to Boys Don't Cry, I spent the first half of the movie growing to see myself in Brandon. I wanted to do what he did and be seen how he was seen. We're from similar places as people as well as where in the world we live.

And then, the second half of the film, I was hit with the reality that if I did so, the trauma Brandon endured could very well become my own; I could possibly have the same end. There are also other bad things about that movie (removal of Phillip DeVine is a big one, as well as it kind of being more focused on the romance, imo), but I think the graphic violence probably affected me most.

Also! I'm sorry, this one kind of goes back into fanfiction territory, I have only seen it referenced as an issue in fanfiction, but I do believe it is worth a mention because I have had to consider how to go about writing this in my own work.

Please, for the love of everything holy, do not make a man trans solely for the purpose of him having children.

I said I had to think about writing that? I did, I don't want it to come across like I was only writing him for that, and I as well as many other trans men would never want to have children that way; but I had a trans character, and he existed long before the possibility of him becoming a father through that was on the table. That character is in multiple pieces of my personal writing, and in that particular piece, it would align with his character, he would be willing to.

Of course, if I published this work, readers would have no way of knowing that, so it may be better off not to do it unless you're sure of it and can explain your motivation behind it.

As well, don't make being trans their whole thing. It's a part of me, yes, but obviously, I am more than that. I love art and I aspire to be a good son, I'm not the best at decision making and I can bake, but cooking things that aren't cookies or cakes is rough. If all your character has is the fact that they are trans, you need to develop them more.

You see a lot of characters that trans teens relate to or believe to be trans have a lot more to their character, and the media they're from isn't solely focused on their gender.

If that's a big part of their story, go for it! But don't forget that we're people too, and I'm honestly more focused on my education and my favourite movies than I am about my gender in everyday life.

Being trans may change how I interact with people, of course, so learn how that may be.

Like if they're out-but-not-completely, and they hesitate to think if they could use their real name in an introduction, or if they're afraid they don't pass- if that is important to them- and use their birthname.

Or they're newly out and really confident because someone called them sir/ma'am in public. Whatever you do, don't have them just tell random people their birthname unless it would make sense, AKA they're not out to others at all, so they use their birthname.

That is all I have as of now, like I said, it was kind of rambling so I apologize, if you'd like to add anything or have questions, what better place is there to ask?

TL;DR - Write trans characters with consideration to who is viewing them, and make them realistic. Know or learn how being trans affects daily life.

[jadelotusflower]

December/2020 Roundup

I hope everyone is getting through the holiday season alright! It’s been kind of a busy month for me and I didn’t have much time for creative pursuits, so the reading/watchlist is a little shorter this time.

December Roundup

World Without End by Ken Follet - set 150 years after Pillars of the Earth, again in the town of Kingsbridge, this time we follow the lives of two branches of the Builder family tree - the descendants of Aliena and Jack, Merthin and his brother Ralph, and those of Tom (through Martha), Caris, Petranilla and Godwyn. But miracle of miracles, there’s a second female pov in Gwenda to provide the peasant perspective.

This is in many ways a rinse and repeat of Pillars, where the goods guys suffer and suffer until the end when the bad guys get their comeuppance, and by now it’s starting to wear on me (there is one more novel set in Elizabeathan times, but I’m not sure I’ll bother with that one). While Pillars was set in the backdrop of The Anarchy, World covers the start of the Hundred Years War and the Black Death, and the latter seems rather prescient - Kingsbridge goes into a six month lockdown at one point, and not wearing masks becomes a political issue. As always, it’s the detail of day to day life I enjoy the most about these books, and Caris trailing the English army as they pillage France, and her efforts to fight the plague are confronting but compelling.

In fact I enjoyed Caris the most as a character, but was disappointed in her ending - she spends the whole novel reluctant to conform to the social expectations of women at the time and doesn’t want to be trapped by marriage and children, and yes she unwillingly becomes a nun, but in a way that gives her the freedom to pursue her interests in medicine (albeit still constrained by her gender). But rather than her happy ending having the power and satisfaction of prioress of the nunnery running the hospital (her life’s work), Caris renounces her vows and ends up married to Merthin after all. Maybe it’s that Merthin is a bit of a wet rag of a character, maybe I just bristle at Follett’s world where men can find satisfaction in the clergy (Prior Phillip being the best example), but for women marriage is always the pinnacle despite their abilities and success in other areas.

Also, Follett Never Write Another Sex Scene Challenge.

Smallville (seasons 1-3) - This has been a year of comfort watching for many people, a time to revisit those old shows we loved because they feel familiar in a time of uncertainty. This month I started a Smallville rewatch - I was a casual viewer back in the day but only really started to get interested about halfway through (when Lois showed up), so I’ve actually never seen it all the way from beginning to end. And well...the early seasons are a slog, let’s put it that way. Bad CGI and stilted acting aside, this was a teen drama first and foremost and the early noughties was strong with this one.

I remember never particularly caring for Chloe as a character, but wow is she painful in the early seasons, pining over Clark while he’s pining over Lana, but while his mooning is just annoying, she is almost manipulative in blaming him for not reciprocating her feelings and it’s very Nice Guy and cringe.

It’s funny, I remember not being a particular fan of Lana either, but I’m actually liking her a lot more on rewatch - wearing a necklace with part of the meteor that killed her parents is metal af. It is kind of weird to see grown man Lex hanging out with these fifteen year olds - I mean the actors don’t look it, but the characters are very much minors! Twenty-somethings should not be calling a teenager their best friend! It’s particularly creepy when the minute Lana turns 18 Lex develops romantic feels for her :-/

Once they start to bring in more of the Lore it gets better - I actually got very emotional when Christopher Reeve showed up - it’s such a great scene, and the strains of John Williams’ original themes in the background made me tear up. But the core concept was always an interesting one - that when Clark arrived the meteor rocks/kryptonite infected some of the population giving them superhuman abilities - lending credulity to the Monster of the Week episodes and the murder happy teenagers of Smallville. However they never really do a deep dive into the implications of Clark’s arrival and the meteor rock essentially causing widespread mental illness that’s dealt with either by these kids getting killed or institutionalised, but maybe that’s too heavy for this type of show.

It’s also very apparent (and disappointing) on rewatch just how quickly they sidelined Pete Ross, the only black character, who is unceremoniously booted at the end of the third season. Tale as old as time.

2020 Roundup

Books read:

Anne of Green Gables

Anne of Avonlea

Anne of the Island

Anne of Windy Poplars

Anne’s House of Dreams

Anne of Ingleside

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes

The History of the Kings of Britain

The Pillars of the Earth

The Sunne in Splendour

Henry VIII and the Men Who Made Him

The Testaments

Kathryn: The Tainted Queen

Gutsy Women

Girl, Woman, Other

The Evening and the Morning

Women and Leadership

World Without End

That’s a total of 18, a vast improvement on last year, and I’ve really enjoyed getting back to books again.

Writing (complete):

Auld Lang Syne - 3169

The Years Are Rolled Away - 6026

Writing (wips):

The Lady of the Lake - 14,493

Against the Dying of the Light - 44,021

Turn Your Face to the Sun - 2064

Total: 70,093

That’s around 7k less than last year, and I haven’t progressed as far with my wips as I would have wanted (in fact my goal was to complete the three above) but oh well, here’s to a better and more productive 2021 and all that.

See you all next year x

[quillyfied]

Mega Good Omens Fic Rec Post 3

THE FINAL CHALLENGER APPROACHES.

This will hopefully be the last Mega Fic Rec Post I make for a long, long time; I have enjoyed it, but a lot of work goes into these and I’m tired. There are 73 titles on this list, organized by category: Jaunts through History/Canon, South Downs, Post-Apocalypse, Bus Ride/The Night Before/Heaven and Hell, AU/UA, Just Soft, Touch-Starved/Body Worship/Wings, Bonus, and H/C /Whump/BAMF. Please enjoy these treasures as I have.

Mentioned questionable material where appropriate; several authors have Tumblrs but I wasn’t able to tag them, for whatever reason. Oh well.

Mega GOmens Fic Rec Post MASTER

IF A LINK IS BROKEN OR I HAVE MISATTRIBUTED SOMETHING, PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

JAUNTS THROUGH HISTORY/CANON

1. let me feel your heartbeat (grow faster, faster) – @thehoyden (T, the one where Aziraphale had a big ole crush on Crowley before the Fall and it doesn’t stop from happening. This one’s just cute; starts with a “senpai notice me” vibe that morphs into mutual pining very, very quickly. It hits the high notes of a lot of cute romance tropes and I’m into it.)

2. Pride and Prejudice and Angels – SanSanFanFan (G, the one where Miss Crowley and Mr. Fell clash wits. Kinda. Mainly it’s a lot of lovely pining and Aziraphale being sad about awful things happening in London, so he’s escaping to Hampshire for a while, where Crowley happens to be in the middle of a temptation she promptly abandons in favor of lifting Aziraphale’s spirits. Not finished, but already sparkling with Crowley being miffed about gender double standards and Aziraphale letting himself be cheered up by Crowley. It’s great.)

3. Kissing, Accidentally – @skybound2 (G, the one where Crowley can’t help kissing Aziraphale after pinning him against the wall.  Hilarious and sweet and featuring that best trope of all, Crowley going boneless and speechless at an unexpected show of affection and wanting from his angel.)

4. Visible world (or, you are responsible forever for what you have tamed) – @matchahedgehog (T, the one where Russian folklore plays a significant element and it’s weird and beautiful. I don’t think I can really convey what this is, exactly, but there are elements of building a new world and holding on tight to love even through the toughest times and it’s gorgeous.)

5. I’ve Been Drowning All These Years – @terrible-titles (T, the one where Crowley comforts Aziraphale five times and one time Aziraphale comforts Crowley. There are some discomfiting scenes Crowley is talking Aziraphale through in this one, but the comfort is sweet and the resolution is well-deserved.)

6. Moving Rocks – shiphitsthefan (T, the one where confessions are made in 1941 but they can’t act just yet, and waiting is agony. I really adore this one, especially what happens when they finally Smooch, because it happens in a spot I rarely see anyone putting it and it made me smile. The longing is so painful, poor Aziraphale. Poor Crowley.)

7.  On a Wing and a Prayer – @alphacygni-8 (T, the one where Crowley is a pining mess but he has a plan. This is another trip through history of Crowley trying to go about his business while his feels are crushing him, but I think it’s how Crowley tries to go about confessing that helps make this one a standout; there is a restaurant and there is a lot of food and there are, of course, miscommunications aplenty. The historical scenes are nothing to sneeze at, either, they’re all packed with longing and bittersweetness. Lovely.)

8. in the shapes of angels – @qwanderer (T, the one where navigating an intimate and loving relationship of any stripe is difficult when your true form is a bit noncorporeal. This one crescendos in a form of angel-demon soul bonding that really reverberates and sticks in the brain, the visuals are incredible. And the implications of switching bodies gets a lot more high-stakes, too. On top of it all this is a story about finding someone to share your life with, whatever the arrangement of the relationship might actually be, and friends it’s tender and scary and wonderful.)

9. Pilgrim – brasspetal (T, the one where Crowley is on a sabbatical to sort out his feelings and he writes love letters, of a sort. This one is one of those fics that feels like treading in deep water knowing there’s something more in the depths, but it’s more tranquil and less unsettling. There’s an overstory about Crowley traveling with a group of humans and an undercurrent about him working through how he feels about Aziraphale and the two work together to bring about something memorable and, I feel, truly impactful. It’s entirely possible that by the time the last chapter is up, the story will be something completely different from what I’ve described, and that’s cool.)

10. drowned in living waters – @mortuarybees (G, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale make out in a field and almost get caught. This one is short and sad and made me feel sad things, though the imagery is gorgeous and the argument leading up to the kissing is entertaining. Stupid Gabriel and his stupid face.)

11. Things They Need – LostSoftSpaceDyke (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale take lovers as stepping-stones to get to each other. This one is bittersweet and FRAUGHT, friends, it is absolutely a heart-masher. The ending rights it, of course, and beautifully, but welcome to Hopeless Longing Town, friendos, population One Angel and One Demon.)

12. Off the record – @paintedvanilla (T, the one where Crowley reports his personal sins and then neglects to report his virtues. Bookverse, a wonderful character study of Crowley and Hell’s bureaucracy and how certain things affect Crowley personally. Includes a lovely homage to Freddie Mercury, of course.)

13. By Any Other Name – ausgezeichnet (@thebeatlesaremyboyband) (T, the one where Nanny Ashtoreth and Brother Francis fake a wedding to get Thad Dowling off their backs. While it definitely has its funny moments, what stands out more to me in this one are the soft, quiet moments of pining sprinkled in between their adventures. There’s real strain between Crowley and Aziraphale with this turn of events, and I can’t wait to see it all boil over. Also Thaddeus Dowling is a dickbag in this one and is deffo getting his.)

14. God’s Gift – Katzedecimal (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale are undercover as a lady and her tire-woman while on a job. This one is based on one of the stories from The Akashic Records by PeniG (which y’all know I adore), specifically one where a potential 30K caper is laid out involving this exact scenario, and I love that someone actually tried to tackle some of it. The friendship is so good, and the little bit of excitement that happens in the plot is Terribly Exciting. Just ladies taking care of ladies, what could be better?)

15. All I Want (Is You) – amavyllis (G, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale don’t touch but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to. Oh, y’all, the longing. The LONGING. And the sheer ACHE of not being able to touch someone you would like to be physically close with. It is PAINFUL and it is GOOD and I am DYING.)

16. meantime i ask you to be my valentine (i’ll be your valentino) – hipsterchrist (T, the one that follows Saint Valentine’s Days through the ages. This one is really interesting, actually, and has one of the most eclectic collections of historical moments I’ve ever seen in one of these types of fics. That ending scene is on point, though; I spoil nothing but you guys TEARS. Of LAUGHTER. And also OVERWHELMED WITH EMOTION.)

SOUTH DOWNS

17. Let Me Live Here Ever – @moveslikebucky (T, the one where they’re soft and just talk about their feelings and smooch a lot. This one is part of a larger series but you don’t need to have read it to read this one. It is so very soft, y’all. So tender. I will never be over stories where they just lay in bed all day and revel in how they feel about each other and their life together.)

18. The Cottage, The Husbands – Dragonsquill (G, the series where Crowley and Aziraphale have a life in the South Downs and it is good. Featuring lots of cute little tableaus and some of the most fun OCs ever—Twelve in particular is a treat, she’s Crowley’s stylist and absolutely wonderful. The whole series is just FUN, it’s cute and casual and domestic and great.)

19. For All the Stars in Heaven – ausgezeichnet (@thebeatlesaremyboyband) (T, the one where Heaven and Hell need to shove off already. This one takes off almost without warning, and escalates rather quickly before a frankly genius solution to The Problem of Aziraphale and Crowley is found. I only deal in happy endings, so you KNOW it’s good for the husbands. Surprisingly good, in fact, I didn’t see it coming at all.)

20. Angel and Demon Teatime – @penig (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale entertain a few unwanted guests for a while. This one is really cool, with a lot of sensory details while Crowley and Aziraphale relive a lot of the sensations of Earth and bring them into the physical world for the spies Heaven and Hell sent after them to experience them, too. The spies are both precious, though in completely different ways, and the ways they go about changing through this visit are subtle but profound.)

21. The Tales of Eden Cottage – Jupiter_Ash (G, the series where Crowley and Aziraphale slowly settle into their new South Downs community. This one has a lot of fun OCs and some extremely touching stories (the one about Joshua in particular broke my heart in all the best ways). Their neighbors are a lot of fun and the fic in particular that has a facebook chat of their speculations on who the new guys moving into Eden Cottage are is fantastic.)

22. A Brand New Angle – @fallsouthwinter (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale pick a direction and gun it. Has first kisses, dancing, delightful neighbors, gardening—all the best ingredients for a heartwarming, satisfying South Downs romp. And this definitely is one—with some promising things to come, judging by the standalone in the same universe!)

23. A Safe Place for You – Vagabond (@waffleironbiddingwar) (M, the one where learning to receive love is a little bit harder lesson to take in than giving love. M for a humanly intimate scene that borders but does not cross into full smut, and an ethereally intimate scene that is weird and pretty. This whole thing is achingly poignant and heavy; every word drips with emotion and it’s both difficult and sweet, much like the subject matter, I suppose. A memorable and beautiful piece.)

24. Act of Service – @dietraumerei (T, the one where people think Aziraphale is Crowley’s sugar daddy. This one starts off hilarious and then slam-dunks itself right into the Feels Pile, with a side-helping of discussing dynamics and reaching acceptance. An instant classic and one I’ve definitely read more than a few times.)

POST-APOCALYPSE

25. Thou Knowest Us Happy – @mirrorleaf (T, the one where Gabriel gets the truth shoved directly into his face. This is a fic of a fic (the original I have not read bc it’s rated E and I can’t do that for personal reasons), and while this fic references its source quite a bit, it’s not confusing enough for the fic itself to be off-putting. In fact, it’s a gorgeous one-two punch to the throat: first, the Banishing of the Archangel Gabriel, which is INCREDIBLY satisfying; second, the Making Sense of It All, where Aziraphale and Crowley realize they’re truly free and start to explore the various contexts of their relationship, past and future, which is very sweet. A delectable little treat, all told.)

26. Courage – @mandysimo13 (G, the one that’s a good old-fashioned post-apocalypse love confession. There’s a cute little characterization of Courage woven throughout, because of course Crowley personifies the emotions he is or isn’t dealing with, but on the whole it’s adorable and intimate and cute.)

27. when the earth is trembling – @stammiviktor (T, the one where Crowley takes Aziraphale on an amazing date. Listen, I adore stories where Crowley falls to pieces under the weight of his love as much as the next dork, but Crowley delivering? Crowley being, if not confident, then at least secure in the choices he’s making? Crowley showing his angel a good time because he knows what his angel likes? SIGN ME UP, FAM. Especially if we still get Crowley coming a little undone at his attentions paying off in a hoped-for but still unexpected way (to him, anyway).)

28. Little Terrors – @runwiththisdinosaur (T, the one where Aziraphale is being more affectionate and Crowley is one hand-touch away from an aneurism. This one doesn’t pull away from Crowley’s all-consuming fear of Aziraphale Falling for loving him, and captures the messy feelings and hurt and heartbreak and healing these two getting their act together demands. Also Indian food.)

29. Forgiveness – @guanin (G, the one where Aziraphale has a well-deserved breakdown after Armageddon’t. This one is super-duper cathartic and has Aziraphale working through all of his hurt feelings and confusion over Heaven and how they treated him, and how he subsequently treated Crowley. Featuring a very patient Crowley and a very weepy Aziraphale and a lot of wondering about fate and choice.)

30. Of burnt books and courting Crowley – robynvite (T, the one where Aziraphale accidentally finds out Crowley’s in love with him and then sets out to properly woo him. I love fics where Aziraphale finally takes the initiative, and he does so with gusto. Anathema serves as a great sounding board and go-between for these lovestruck idiots, and Crowley not knowing how to handle Aziraphale being flirty is the best thing. Also, Aziraphale finds out they burned the second Agnes Nutter book and has an angelic come-apart.)

31. that I may hear my heart fall from your lips – song_of_fate (NR, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale get to be themselves at last. Y’all like awkward but shyly happy getting-together fics? Y’all like Greek vacations? Y’all like Anathema being a bro and Crowley being casual and Aziraphale being absolutely taken with him? You’ve found your fic, folks, and it’s not even finished yet. More softness to come!)

BUS RIDE/NIGHT BEFORE/HEAVEN AND HELL

32. please please please let me get what I want this time – @sarahbacou (NR, the one where Crowley is extremely tired and Aziraphale muses on their situation. The tone of this one is mournful and apprehensive, but ultimately tender as Aziraphale cares for an exhausted-to-the-point-of-delirium Crowley on the bus ride home. The scene after they get off the bus is just straight-up heartbreaking, there are no other words for it, but it ends hopeful, especially knowing what we know about canon.)

33. Ethereal Love – @mariannightroad (G, the one where trying to teach Aziraphale to sleep morphs into something a little bit more. The purest and sweetest of romances, the most sexless making love of all time (even for weird angel essence-touching, it’s pretty devoid of lust), and just really really Soft u guys.)

34. Long Night’s Journey Into Day – @whatawriterwields (T, the one where Aziraphale keeps watch through the night. This one is adorable and very tender, with a terrible nightmare and an amusing adventure involving remote tea-making and FEELINGS. Aziraphale loves Crowley so much.)

35. Maybe Tomorrow Will Be a Better Day (If You Let Me Look at Your Beautiful Eyes) – TheWinterSldier (T, the one where Aziraphale ponders about Crowley’s eyes while wearing his body. There’s some historical jumping but the majority of the story is focused on retelling Crowley’s trial from Aziraphale’s head, and the meal at the Ritz afterwards. There are a lot of emotions about Crowley’s eyes. Ironically, there were also a lot of emotions about my eyes. Or, rather, in my eyes. Just overflowing with feels.)

AU/UA

36. Hard Times – @northeasternwind (G, the one that’s the bandstand scene in the context of Speremint’s Reverse Omens AU. I love the characterizations of Anthony and Azirafell so much in this particular AU, and the building tension and sudden breaking of the dam at the end is exquisitely done.)

37. Rosemary and Sage – AJissoverytired (T, the one that’s based on the witch AU by masao-micchi and is PRECIOUS. Crowley is the Red Witch, a very famous and talented mage, who accidentally gets turned into a snake by a rival and winds up being found by Aziraphale, a mage-in-training who’s starstruck by the Red Witch. They strike up a familiar contract, with Crowley conveniently not letting Aziraphale know who he actually is, and enter the Completely Ridiculous Comedy of a pseudo-love square. The world is vibrant and fun, characterization is spot-on, and it’s so funny and sweet I’m dying. Worth the read 4000%.)

38. Only Love (Can Bring the Rain) – @soft-october-night (T, the fairy tale-ish AU featuring a sweet prince and his handsome gardener boy. Y’all. Y’ALL. Pining and childhood friends-to-lovers and class struggles and vegetable-growing contests and subterfuge, oH MY. The flavor of this one is Very Very Good, absolutely a gem.)

39. Running in the Shadows (Damn Your Love, Damn Your Lies) – @soft-october-night (M, the one that’s vaguely a Persuasion AU but is mostly a messy, emotional romance shoved into Regency decency. M for mentions of sexual activity that would most certainly overwhelm the sensibilities of a more delicate readership, but it’s not bad at all for a modern reader. I think soft_october might just own my soul, because HOT DANG, that is two AUs in a row that are scratching my itches in the best ways. The LONGING. The EMOTIONAL TURMOIL. The MASQUE BALL. The CLASS STRUGGLES. I have read it twice already and will definitely be coming back to it a lot, because there’s lots of meat on this here bone. Adam Young and Crowley’s relationship in particular is touching, and Crowley’s friendship with Anathema is top-notch.)

40. I have loved you (for a thousand years) – @asideofourown (T, the one where they’ve been dating the whole time but SOMEONE missed the memo. Classic miscommunication at its finest; Crowley’s chapter is painful enough with his pining and heartsick longing, but Aziraphale’s chapter knocks it out of the park with his perspective of actually being in a relationship with Crowley and the various misinterpretations that’s caused. They’re so stupid and I love them.)

41. Gravity – Emmbee_89 (T, the one where Crowley was Raphael and he and Aziraphale had (and have) a love so powerful Aziraphale created Time and they couldn’t be separated even after the Fall. Oh sweet Jebus and all his little elves, the tenderness and powerful heartbreak this one causes gave me actual physical pains. Bittersweet and lovely. I am so proud of them.)

42. The Love You Leave Behind – @gloriouscacophany (T, the one that’s a 1980s college AU where Aziraphale is studying abroad and Crowley is the singer of a rock band. This one is UNBELIEVABLY gorgeous. Listen, I don’t usually go in for human AUs, but this one caught me, hook, line, and sinker. The sensory details are lush (especially when Aziraphale is noticing Crowley, hoo boy) and the story has some built-in heartbreak that’s already paying off (hello, homophobia), but despite the incoming pain and torment, I have full faith and expectation of a great ride along the way. Truly spectacular.)

43. Pray For Us, Icarus – @seaskystone (G and T, the series where Crowley keeps reincarnating as a human and Aziraphale loves him. Listen, I know 90% of you already know this masterpiece, but for the 10% who don’t, this series will heck you up one side and down the other. It will drown you in sorrow so that the good moments are sweeter than air. It is so intense, so emotionally raw, so dadgum TENDER, I had no idea what to do with myself after I finished it. Like a cheese grater on a sunburn when it’s bad, like hot chocolate on a bitter cold day when it’s good. A fandom staple for sure, cathartic and satisfying as only successful recovery after a long, hard, difficult event can be.)

44. Magnesium and Oil – @quaidpoppinjack (T, the one that’s a monster hunter AU. The great thing about fandom is that sometimes people will make AUs you would never have thought of, but once you know of it, you need it desperately. In this one, instead of tempting and thwarting, Crowley and Aziraphale are tasked with gathering the escaped creatures of Eden and sending them either to Hell or Heaven to stock for the impending War. The worldbuilding is AMAZING, the little details are great (for those of you wanting Crowley in hunting leathers, welcome to the party), and the story itself is just good, okay. Great action, lovely plot.)

45. alpha centauri – @hyruling (T, the one where Aziraphale agrees to run away to Alpha Centauri during the Apocalypse. To my understanding, this work was previously deleted by the author, but I’m so glad it was brought back so I could read it, because two very scared, very piney idiots carving out a domestic life on a barren planet WITH A CAT is the jam I didn’t know I had. Watching them circle each other is great; watching it all come tumbling down when Plot happens is even better. It’s a happy ending, don’t get it twisted, but you always have to wade through the Bad before you get to the Good, after all. A lovely little piece, absolutely A+++.)

46. Truth Untold – GenericUsername01 (G and T, the series where Crowley was Raphael, Aziraphale was made to be his assistant, and holy crap on a STICK where to even start. The worldbuilding is INSANE, I love how the Archangels are described and go about their business (word to the wise, do NOT skip the prologue work, you miss all of the best context if you do). And if that’s not great enough, there’s a whole system of angel-devil nemesis pairs all over Earth, whom we get to meet when devils start wanting to repent. There’s baptism involved and it’s horrifying and heartbreaking. Not finished yet, but it’s ramping up. Also, Crowley is functionally blind, which is about to start causing some real humorous problems since no one else knows about it, certainly not Aziraphale.)

47. Take me to the room where the red’s all red (take me out of my head, that’s what I said) – @raiining (M, the one that’s a Dom/sub AU with gentle top Aziraphale and bottom Crowley. No real sexual elements in this one, but I can understand why the M is there, the subject matter might be a little Much for some people even if it is fairly chaste (if sensual). The dynamic between Crowley and Aziraphale is delicious af, especially when they’re snapping at each other and then later melting into each other. It’s just. So good.)

48. Take This Sinking Boat and Point it Home – sobakasu, sssnakelady (T, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale used to be the same being, and the combination of fundamental incompletion compounding with being in love is tearing Crowley apart at the seams. Darkly emotional and absolutely raw with feeling, quiet and powerful and subtle. Crowley is absolutely heartbreaking, but Aziraphale manages to bind it all up quite nicely—not perfectly, they’ll have to work at it, but sweetly and with perfect love.)

JUST SOFT

49. Three Unthwarted Wiles – @almaasi (G, the one where Aziraphale lets Crowley get away with a few things. Oh my heaven it’s so SOFT, I know that’s the point of this section but HRRGK. Crowley does so much for Aziraphale and Aziraphale returns the favor as often as he can and they just love each other so much I’m sobbing.)

50. The Original Bar Joke – @deathbycoldopen (T, the one where Crowley sees himself as the punch line in God’s big ineffable joke. Sad until finally it isn’t, but Crowley spilling the beans via joke-that-turns-into-scathing-self-reproach is a unique flavor I wasn’t expecting and it broke my heart. Absolutely wonderful.)

51. Love Stories – @just-quintessentially-me (G, the one where Aziraphale is the maudlin sad drunk. Guys, I’ll be real, the emotional payoff of this fic is sweet, but the real highlight for me is Aziraphale scolding a fire he accidentally sets, because nothing feels so Aziraphale as him being drunk off his wings and attempting to LECTURE a FIRE. Also Crowley’s reaction to Aziraphale setting a fire in the bookshop is…well, about how you’d expect. A fantastic little number I quite enjoy.)

52. no mind to lose – @saints-and-demons-preserve-us (T, the one where Aziraphale goes fast and Crowley is a mess. Starts with an ode to Crowley’s long hair, as it rightly should, and evolves into a rather adorable start-stop where Aziraphale engages in various touching activities and Crowley is doing his level best, bless him, to catch up and remember how limbs and lungs work. Precious.)

53. Alas, Poor Yorick! This Is Gonna Suck! – WhiteQueenWrites (T, the one where Crowley finds his perfect opportunity while teaching a theater class to the Them. Yes, it’s canon!verse, not an AU. Yes, Crowley and Aziraphale kiss while teaching Romeo and Juliet. Yes, it is exactly as adorable and tween-traumatizing as you would expect. It’s very fun!)

54. Divine Intervention (aka God Ships It) – @theladyzephyr (G, the one where God has had it up to HERE with two idiots stuck in denial. Oh, folks. This fic is a TEASE. This fic is TANTALIZING. This fic is INFURIATING. And it is so, so worth its weight in gold, because the moment of triumph is so unspeakably sweet. It’s so good, y’all. So good.)

55. Learning to Speak the Language of Flowers – @junkshop-disco (M, the one where Crowley and Aziraphale are orbiting closer. M for discussions of trauma, I think. I’m not sure if I have the words for this one but I’ll try anyway. It shifts between the night the world didn’t end and the events after, and the time Crowley and Aziraphale spent in the Dowling household, and the transitions between the two are so smooth sometimes it’s hard to catch which time period you’re in. The writing is emotive and beautiful, and the emotional impetus behind the fic is compelling. Highly, highly recommended.)

56. seasons, changes – @whatawriterwields (G, the one that cycles through four seasons of Crowley and Aziraphale’s new life in love. Gorgeous and descriptive and so sensory—it really captures a lot of the best parts of each season. And also it’s incredibly loving and I die.)

57. waking up to you – @whatawriterwields (G, the series that’s a collection of tender morning moments. Listen, this writer is the MASTER of tender fluff, and this series is overwhelming. I have had to physically clutch at my heart and wail at my ceiling because of how cute everything is. If you need a dose of fluff after reading something angsty, here’s your medicine.)

58. Nemo dat quod non habet – @liquidlyrium (T and M, the series that examines the aftermath of the trials in Heaven and Hell, and Crowley and Aziraphale have an actual conversation. M rating is just to be safe bc the makeouts can be intense, but it’s not bad. The stories are basically revolving around the same conversation from two different points; Aziraphale’s bit goes more into the kissy-kissy afterwards. Powerful and raw, but understated; there’s dignity in this series, and a good bit of playfulness. The writing carries itself exceptionally well.)

59. Where to Start – @freyjawriter24 (T, the one where Crowley’s almost kissed Aziraphale plenty of times through history. Oh, y’all. Crowley’s emotions are laid so bare. The longing is so good. The scenes are all pretty original and interesting, and you can get a good sense for what Aziraphale’s feeling in these moments, too. Top-notch.)

TOUCH-STARVED/BODY WORSHIP/WINGS

60. The Power of Touch – @wordsintimeandspace (T, the one where Crowley needs some tending to and Aziraphale is more than happy to do it. It’s lots of kissing and touching and it gets intense but not too sexual. Also some lovely communication and boundary negotiation and it’s great.)

61. show a little skin (baby I’m begging) – @summerofspock (T, the one where Crowley can barely handle seeing Aziraphale flash a little skin now and then. Oh, y’all, it’s so much fun. Crowley is in over his head, someone please help him. Ankles, collarbones, FOREARMS. Oh lawd.)

62. You’re the Only Prayer I Need – @kedreeva (G, the one where Crowley’s shedding and Aziraphale helps. Featuring an absurdly large bathtub, wing bathing, and finally the peeling of snakeskin, which sounds so intensely satisfying, tbh. Simple, companionable, and nice.)

63. Of Firsts and Foremosts – @kedreeva (T, the one where Crawly finds Aziraphale cornered by Ligur and steps in. This one has really interesting bits of lore stuffed into it and a sweetly cautious blooming camaraderie between Crawly and Aziraphale; on top of that, there’s cuddling and wing care and both are extremely good.)

64. At Least Eleven Second First Times – @enjambament (M, the one where Aziraphale has to get used to being on Earth in a body again. M for risqué elements that brush up against smut without crossing over. This one is all about feeling things, from emotional to physical sensations, and how Aziraphale is overwhelmed by it all, but there’s also bits of the inherent diversity of the world and the significance of being able to feel things and on top of being secondhand-overstimulated, it drops you directly into Feels Town and it’s delicious.)

BONUS

65. a snake by any other name – @asideofourown (G, the one where Crowley’s snake form is spotted by a herpetology student and an unlikely companionship is struck. This one is from the view of an OC and is really cute, involving Crowley growing fond of a human with proper appreciation for serpentine charms. Also the OC and her girlfriend have a fun argument about what Crowley actually is and it’s adorable.)

66. Always Trust a Dog’s Judge in Character – notebooksandlaptops (T, the one where Warlock moves back to his London home and starts building a life. This one is so good, y’all; adult (ish, he’s nineteen) Warlock is such a delight and you can see Nanny Ashtoreth’s influence all over him. It’s even better when he meets Adam and forms the biggest crush known to man (good thing it’s reciprocated, that would have been awkward), and befriends the rest of the Them (Pepper in particular is to be feared and respected). A fic about growing up and finding yourself, and I love where it’s going.)

H/C /WHUMP/BAMF

67. In Peace I Will Both Lie Down and Sleep – @fizzybiscuits (G, the one where Aziraphale is having nightmares. This fic feels so organic—like a logical continuation of the show, or at least one of many directions it could take. Aziraphale having vivid bad dreams and NOT TALKING ABOUT IT is so on-brand, and Crowley getting worried out of his gourd is also on-brand. Vulnerable and sweet and soft, once the nightmares are dealt with.)

68. A Touch Like Sunlight – @just-quintessentially-me (T, the one where Crowley acts the hero like an idiot. This is Crowley’s vengeance against the Archangels and it’s heart-pounding; of course stuff goes off the rails pretty quickly, but even the stuff that goes right has tension in it. A great adventure, with an appearance from BAMF!Aziraphale.)

69. Chokecherry – unsmilingchuck (T, the one where Crowley helps clean up Aziraphale’s hands after a frankly awful punishment from Heaven. This fic feels calm, maybe more so when it’s revealed what it’s in the aftermath of, and Crowley is very methodical and meticulous in his care. It’s clear how much they care about each other and that’s always the jam.)

70. Thus saith the Lord – @themanicmagician (T, the one where angels can be drafted into Her service like a hive mind. Oh, folks, you want historical pain? You want emotional torment? You want a thrilling chase and a tender aftercare and a triumphant victory? You want to be in your friend’s house and hear the Plagues song from Prince of Egypt and almost have a complete breakdown bc you’re reliving this fic? Then join me in singing this one’s praises, because it delivers. It does not let up even for a second, once it gets going. This is probably one of the darkest fics I’ve ever read, but the ending balances it out. It’s great.)

71. In Somnis Veritas – PinkPenguinParade (T, the one where Aziraphale volunteers to help Crowley with his nightmares. Oh, y’all. Y’all, this one is so good. Just two immortal beings, working through their various traumas together. There’s pain and healing and a beautiful, beautiful ending. This fic hits all the right notes, it’s splendid.)

72. Incongruous States of Being – @zehwulf (T, the one where Aziraphale is a BAMF and that was never truly up for debate. Featuring an argument meant mostly for fun, and then a fight meant mostly for not-fun. Protective Aziraphale through the roof, gang. Very, very good. The tension is exquisite, and the characterizations are perfection. A wonderful take on Aziraphale and his abilities.)

73. Aim Your Arrow At The Sky – @trellanyx (T, the one where Aziraphale is a warrior and don’t you forget it. Warnings for some pretty graphic violence. This fic is not epic-length but it is epic-scope; it’s downright cinematic. The details are so crisp and the action so well-described, and threaded through it all is fierce, tender, desperate love. A wonderful read, especially if you want to see two particular Archangels get theirs.)

[karnsteinreview]

Carmilla by J. Sheridan Le Fanu

Carmilla on Goodreads

Release Year: 1872

Format I Read: audio dramatization (previously read the ebook)

Length: 2h 22m

Genres: Horror, Gothic, Vampires

This review is going to be a little different.

Since we’re in the midst of spooky season and Halloween is less than a week away as I’m writing this, I decided now would be a good time to reread and discuss this book. The fact that audible is giving away a dramatization of this book for subscribers also helped, and though I’ve read Carmilla before, the dramatization is the version I went with for the reread. The dramatization is really good, all the actors are wonderful and Rose Leslie in particular really said gay rights with her performance.

Carmilla is a book that I’m always surprised by the people who do know what it is and the people who don’t. I feel like it has gotten a lot more recognition over the past few years with the web series of the same name being pretty popular among internet gays, but even some people who watched that web series didn’t realize that it was based on a novella from the 1800s (though it said as much in the credits).

In case you don’t know, Carmilla is a novella that revolves around a young woman named Laura who lives in Styria with her father, and under weird circumstances they take in a house guest: Carmilla, a girl who appears to be of a similar age as Laura. Assumptions can be made when I say that this is a vampire story, and its ones that predates Dracula by several decades. It’s also very gay and the namesake of this very blog you’re reading now.

I don’t think spoilers really ruin the book, and I think a lot of the “spoilers” that I’m going to discuss are rather obvious, but here is your one and only spoiler warning. Normally I’d be more careful, but as I said, this is a different sort of review.

Given that I named my blog Karnstein Review, after the Duchess Karnstein herself, it should be fairly obvious that I adore this book. It’s a book I knew at least hinted at some sort of sapphic relationship between Laura and Carmilla, but when I’d first read it, I assumed it would just be hints. And subtle hints at that. It was written in the 1870s, after all. Well, it’s very very very gay. I’m not sure how else to describe it other than that. The gayness is not only overt, they blatantly discuss love and romance and kiss each other. It’s a lot more than I expected from a 19th book.

But, I also have to acknowledge that it is a 19th century book about a lesbian, and it’s one written by a man nonetheless. Things don’t end well for Carmilla and Laura’s relationship, and there’s pretty intense judgement on any kind of sexual feelings, much less sexual feelings between two women. The message that Carmilla’s seduction of Laura is wrong and immoral is as blatant as her seduction of Laura is. So why do I like this book so much?

Well, for one thing, I’ve always been a sucker for vampire stories (my god I only realized that pun after I wrote it). I think that a lot of queer people who grew up with religious backgrounds are drawn to vampires and vampire stories, and there’s a reason for that. Particularly with these older stories like Carmilla and Dracula, one of the major themes of vampire stories is sexual fear, desires, and moralizing about those things. Vampires represent something that we are told is dangerous. Something that can kill us and even hurt our very soul. Vampires will seduce you and take something from you that you need to live a normal happy life. They may even steal your salvation. In Carmilla when I was rereading it, I noted that her need for blood is never described as thirst or hunger. It’s called lust, specifically “lust for living blood.” Many who grew up with feelings for people of the same gender have been told similar things about those feelings. Vampires are those feelings. And these vampire stories were often written specifically to express and moralize about sexual feelings. Of course vampire stories are attractive to us.

With Carmilla the sexual moralizing plain, and it would definitely not be something I let fly in a modern book, but there’s something strangely familiar about it here. The book is told from Laura’s perspective, and she herself described her confusing and intense feelings for Carmilla. She’ll say she’s in love with Carmilla and repulsed by Carmilla in the same sentence and it doesn’t feel like a lie either time. She’ll be clearly very troubled by Carmilla’s overt flirtation and courting, but also keep doing things that put her close to Carmilla. She’ll keep flirting back and keep acknowledging the feelings that she has. It’s paradoxal, but it’s a familiar feeling. It’s someone just realizing that they have feeling for someone of their same gender and being very, very troubled by what that means. Laura’s words and thoughts feel very familiar to me, and I don’t think that J. Sheridan Le Fanu was purposely trying to accurately portray my own gay panic, yet he definitely did.

I don’t think that Carmilla is the perfect story. I keep imagining all the ways in which I’d like to rewrite it, which all involve me just giving Carmilla and Laura a happy ending, but I think it’s an important to the history of gay fantasy and horror. I also think that it’s a story that can still mean a lot and speak to queer people today, as evidenced by the very popular web series adaptation of it. It’s a book I would happily suggest, but it’s also a book I’d suggest you know what it is going in. It’s a lesbian vampire story written in the 1800s, and all the implications that come with that are true.

[koholinthibiscus]

My Tumblr Journey and mental health

What the hell is this?  Where am I? What do I do and how do I do it?

You often hear of people getting to their 30′s and feeling more comfortable in their skin and just owning, accepting and loving themselves.  Well, maybe it’s because I need psychotherapy, and maybe it’s because I’ve come into adulthood in a period with huge economic and political upheaval as well as a pandemic; but I don’t feel that way.  I feel simultaneously old and young.  clueless about young things (like tmblr) and clueless about old things (like mortgages... even though I have one) 

I’ve deleted Facebook and use twitter sparingly these days so the reason joined this site is to purely vent.  To write my thoughts out and send them into the internet ether to languish, probably ignored.  But just getting it out might make all the difference to my physical and mental well being so I’m just going to give it a shot and see where things go. 

I feel terribly alone and isolated.  I have a type of social anxiety that you probably wouldn't notice.  You might just think I’m an idiot or a bitch.  You might barely acknowledge my existence.  I’m pretty average so I may not register.  But when I’m done talking I will think and think and think about it.  How did I come across?  why the fuck did I say that?  You think I’m a fucking idiot don’t you?  I will simply torture myself forever and ever.  And I avoid social interaction, especially with new people, as much as I can.  I can just about manage in a workplace setting but all my energy for this is taken up with that. 

I feel unheard, unseen and unsatisfied.  I feel a lump in my throat and a weight in my chest.  I feel exhausted and headachey most of the time.  I can’t bear this current situation.  I have a visceral hate for my country.  I can’t bear sad news.  I can’t cope with news that implicates humans as ignorant, unsympathetic, inhumane creatures.  I feel deep sadness at the existential threat our planet faces and confusion and sadness when I realise that barely anyone in my real life feels the same urgency and guilt.  I have changed my lifestyle (probably not enough) to try and alleviate the guilt but it hasn’t worked.  

So I get into things to try and distract myself; fandoms, stories, subjects, video games, novels and I feel sad about it because I feel useless “not good at it” or that they’re a waste of time.  I hate myself so much that my hobbies make me sad. How stupid is that?  I’ve recently been getting into DnD during lock down and watching critical role.  I enjoy it but it makes me sooooo sad and jealous that I don’t have a strong friend group like that who can enjoy playing DnD with the same level of fun, ease and camaraderie.  It literally hurts my heart and I’ve been feeling weird for days.  So I’ve tried to make myself better by consuming things.  I’ve bought a new set of dice and bought some unrelated books.  

I skip from one subject or thing to the next feeling unsatisfied and discontent.  I don’t practice things, I don’t finish things.  I give up. And I feel like I’m giving up at life. I am lazy and stupid.  My hobbies, likes and interests feel like a plaster over a gaping wound and was working but it’s not any more. Getting lost in a fantasy world just makes me feel sad I can’t create my own or be with a group of friends, either on line or on person where I can create together. 

I am petrified of parent hood.  I have an amazing 3 year old.  She is a marvel. But I have a constant dread of failing her. Doing too much, doing too little.  I want her to strive for happiness.  Take on hard things, work at things till she’s good at them, whatever it may be.  I honestly don’t care what as long as she enjoys it, has a passion for it and is ultimately happy.  I want to push her, but I don’t want to push her too much.  I worry about sending wrong messages.  I worry about not doing enough with her.  I do not want to bring her up the way that my mother brought me up. I am terrified of repeating the same mistakes. 

I’m ultimately a kind person who is trying their best but can’t unleash my true potential due to depression, anxiety and self-confidence issues.  I get so angry and sad at people who don’t follow the same ideals as me.  which.... isn’t ideal.  I can’t stand TERFs, racists, ableists, misogynists, right wing people, climate change deniers, ignorant people.  I can’t stand it when people think that poor people only have themselves to blame.  I hate capitalism and colonialism.  I want to change the way the world operates even if it is to my detriment as a white CIS English women living in comfort.  I feel trapped in suburbia where nothing changes and no one looks or is different.  

I don’t mean to fetishize certain communities with that statement and I reliaze that it’s probably ignorant of me to suggest that everyone is the same too, given that I struggle to interact with people.  And I’m not suggesting that I’m some sort of special flower  or that ‘I’m not like other women’ (eeww) either, I know there are people out there I would probably get on with but like I say, I struggle.

It frustrates me when people don’t feel the same way politically.  I think that people’s politics are based on their morals so I struggle with conservatives for example.  I don’t understand them or where they come from.  I want things that people need to be owned by the public and free at the point of access, healthcare being the main one and I fear for the future of the NHS.  Yes, even if it means higher taxes (but I obviously want the super rich taxed more) I don’t believe billionaires should exist.  I want universal basic income.  If the human race keeps breeding, if we keep suffering from pandemics, if we progress technologically to the point where mechanization is even more prevalent, we will not need people to have jobs.  We need UBI to level the playing field.  And I want a vegan world.  All of the above makes my head swim with anger and despair.  What type of world will my child have to endure when she gets to my age?  I fucking hope it’s better than this.  I can honestly say that I believe I am on the right side of history with my politics.  It is ultimately about being kind and humane.  But no... I’m probably seen as a soft SJW snowflake keyboard warrior twat by my family (which is why I went off facebook).  Even though I have a masters in Gender studies and a career in social justice work, but sure, I’m just after the ‘internet points’ or want to look ‘woke’.  I feel like not many people truly know me and if they do know all of the above and don’t like what  they see,  I don’t know man, that kills me.  I want people to think well of me. I want people to think I am a good person. 

I could yap on for ages about this honestly but it would make little sense.

I think I wanted to start this as a place to get my feelings down because I am starting a journey of therapy soon.  My sessions should begin in September but I feel the need to get stuff out now.  I’m having a bit of a shit time in my head right now and I felt like I would burst. 

I’m already worried that I will appear stupid and self centered.  There is nothing particularly wrong with my life.  I have a good job that I love but am also petrified of it and of getting it wrong so I self sabotage, worry and don’t believe in my abilities and I’ve been doing that since college.  (I need to un pack how I feel about work and my actions around it, I have a lot of thoughts, maybe for another time) 

I pick the spots on my face till they become angry red welts, I pick the skin around my nails till they get infected and then I hate myself for how I look, even though it was my fault in the first place.  I don’t shower, don’t wash my face, don’t get enough sleep then look in the mirror and see my greasy lank hair, baggy grey eyes and bad skin and I just hate myself.  Is this an analogy for the entirety of my personality? I am my own worst enemy and I need to give myself a fucking break.  Easier said than done. 

Things to unpack in therapy: 

My work 

My politics and how I interact, deal with people who don’t feel the same way as me

My child hood and family dynamics - It’s fucked up y’all. 

My Child

My husband 

My past relationship

The sick thing I do at night when i think about horrible things, like the death of my child for no god damn reason. (Is it punishment?) 

It’s frustrating being so aware of my issues and not feeling able to do anything about it. 

It’s probably an effect of lock down but I have been feeling really bad consistently for a very long period of time now and it’s exhausting.  I always have peaks and troughs, feel great to OK for sometimes a good few months then it just comes down on me like a bag of hammers and I feel like death for 2-4 weeks.  

I’ve been having those hiccups more often and for longer.  I’m so fucking tired man.  A couple of months ago a I had a terrible headache for 4 days, could barely move and felt tearful all the time.  I just thought it was a migraine attack at the time (which I very very rarely have) but I coincided with a particular event that I’m not ready to talk about (It’s really not that juicy it’s quite fucking pathetic actually) and I think it was a major depressive episode. 

I think I’m done now, I’m emotionally exhausted after reading this through and my throat hurts from trying not to cry.  Maybe this is the start of my tumblr journey maybe I’ll delete it all in a few days I don’t know.  I had to try something. 

[courtingstars]

Notes for The Vanishing Prince, Chapter 4

It’s Chapter Four, hurray! This one turned out a little differently than I expected… Mostly because the scene at Rakuzan ended up being so long. But I decided to keep it as is, because I just love Rakuzan’s team SO MUCH. <3

So as promised, this was Rakuzan’s turn to have a cameo (and by cameo I mean a super long scene, with loads of love for the Uncrowned Kings and especially Reo).

Also, I ended up including screenshots from the anime in this post! So if you’re interested in a basic breakdown of my theory about why scenes like this one prove that psychic phenomena were included in the show from the beginning:

Well read on, friend. BECAUSE OH DO I HAVE THEORIES ABOUT THAT.

(Cut for stuff about Rakuzan, a little about why I love the Uncrowned Kings so much, even more love for Reo, a brief explanation of some of the supernatural/psychic references, and a seriously epic yudofu restaurant because tofu is Akashi’s first love, obviously)

On Rakuzan’s Campus

It was fun to try to figure out what Rakuzan as a school would be like… I’ve had a headcanon for a while that each member of the Generation of Miracles chose a high school (and a team) that generally reflected their personality and priorities. So my version of Rakuzan has a lot of Akashi-esque qualities to it. XD

Canonically, Rakuzan is supposed to be a prestigious school that excels in multiple areas. That’s one reason why I included OCs in this chapter, to show that Akashi is far from being the only overachiever at his school. Which, as Furihata realizes, makes his status at the school that much more impressive! (Plus I like to fill out different areas of characters’ lives that we don’t get to see in canon, sometimes by coming up with new characters… I try not to overdo it too much, though, because I know it might only be interesting to me? //laughs)

As a side note, the Rakuzan students are shown preparing for their school’s cultural festival, which is a common event in Japanese schools, and pops up in anime a lot. It frequently involves each class and/or club designing a different booth or event for the festival (like selling food, putting on a play, etc). I’ve read a few series where the festival occurs in late summer to early fall. I don’t know if that’s the typical time of year or not, but that’s why I included the student council working over their vacation to prepare! From what I understand, it’s not uncommon for Japanese students who are really involved in extracurricular activities to continue participating in them over summer vacation (like sports practices, for example).

I Just Really Love The Uncrowned Kings, Okay?

Hopefully I wasn’t the only one looking forward to seeing how Furihata would get along with Rakuzan’s three Uncrowned Kings! I find their canon relationship with Akashi really fascinating, so I wanted to explore some of the implications of it in this chapter. (And then it went on WAYYY longer than I expected. But I was just having too much fun and too many feelings to stop? XD;)

For me, one of the most interesting questions about Rakuzan in KnB is why the other players elected Akashi as captain in his first year… I have a lot of headcanons about it (and a one-shot fic that I started ages ago, that I still really want to finish!). It’s especially interesting because the Uncrowned Kings had a history of competing against the Generation of Miracles in junior high.

So in this chapter, I ended up hinting at some of my theories about why the Kings in particular would decide to make Akashi (and specifically Bokushi!) their leader. I also implied that Akashi wasn’t the only member of Rakuzan who was forced to reevaluate his priorities because of the events of the Winter Cup. (To me this is portrayed really well in the last few episodes, through Reo’s reactions especially.)

Basically, one of the reasons I love Rakuzan so much is because I think of all of them as hyper-competitive people who originally decided to go after victory and focus on dominating the competition, at the cost of everything else… And then were forced to face the consequences of that decision, and realize it was ultimately unfulfilling, at least in part because they came to genuinely value the bonds they’d formed as a team. <3 So I tried to show this in how they explained the situation to Furihata.

… I’m also kind of surprised that I managed to fit in references to all five of the Kings in this chapter? I did not expect that. (And I definitely did not expect how Kiyoshi and Hanamiya would come up in the conversation. //laughs)

Also, I do headcanon Reo as wearing makeup sometimes! I just feel like he would be amazing at it, honestly. (Or maybe I’ve just spent too much time watching beauty gurus on YouTube or something, lol.) In any case, I’m SO HERE for Reo in general… Especially Reo the Love and Sexuality Guru, finally telling it like it really is? //laughs (Oh my god I worked SO MANY self-indulgent headcanons into that silly conversation… Though interestingly enough, Reo flirting with Takao is from some of the anime outtake/bonus scenes. XD So I didn’t make that part up, at least!)

I should probably also mention that some of Furihata’s assumptions/uncertainty about Reo’s identity are related to Japanese culture… In KnB, Reo is depicted as the type of person who would probably be thought of as an “okama,” which usually refers to a gay man who’s also very feminine in their gender expression. (It can also refer to a drag queen, for example.) I think the term was used in the KnB manga, but I wasn’t able to verify that? (And I should also mention that the term itself can be offensive or positive/reclaimed, depending on who uses it.) So gender and sexuality are distinct aspects of a person, but Reo’s choice of self-expression and honorifics, at least to someone who is Japanese, would tend to imply certain things about both. I tried to make that as apparent in the scene as I could, without going into the cultural concept behind it?

(Also a special shout-out to anyone who figured out why Reo asked Furi his date of birth, and why Furi’s answer intrigued him… Because OH HOW I COULD RAMBLE ON AND ON ABOUT THAT.)

On Empaths, Mediums, Clair Senses, and Auras

So for those of you who wanted to see more supernatural stuff in this fic, I really hope you enjoyed Reo’s little conversation with Furi! (I’ve been looking forward to these two finally interacting for SO LONG. I’ve had a million headcanons about them, ever since I wrote that one chapter of Giving Chocolate ages ago… I even hinted at it in several of my other fics, mostly the Christmas ones. XD)

I won’t go into a super-detailed explanation of supernatural abilities here, since the terms I used aren’t culturally specific to Japan, and are pretty easy to research. But since I see Reo as someone who likes to use knowledge from lots of different modalities of the supernatural (like tarot divination, for example), I figured that I would give a quick overview of some of the stuff he mentioned.

An empath is basically someone who is supposed to be able to sense supernatural “energy” in their environment. The idea is that things like a person’s mental health and emotions manifest as energy—in their aura, for example—and empaths can sense this energy and even absorb some of it. (Sometimes to the point that it’s difficult for them to tell the difference between their own feelings and someone else’s.) Empaths can get very overwhelmed and anxious around crowds of people—or a specific person who is emotionally intense or even toxic—for the same reason. Basically, an empath is naturally affected by outside energy, and tends to let that energy in, more than most people. Even though they themselves may not realize it.

A medium, on the other hand, is someone who can connect with spirits, like those of people who have passed on. (I didn’t mention the term in the chapter, but seeing ghosts could potentially fall under this category.) The ability to do this is believed to manifest in a lot of different ways. Some of the possible ways are sometimes called “clair senses.”

“Clair senses” refer to different types of psychic/supernatural perception. The most common term is clairvoyance, which is being able to “see” supernatural phenomena. (From what I understand, it can be literal seeing, or more of a “in your mind’s eye” type of thing.) There are other types of clair senses too, like clairaudience (hearing supernatural things, like a spirit’s voice), and claircognizance (knowing something supernatural, kind of like having a “hunch”).

And finally, an aura is a form of supernatural energy (or light!) that surrounds a person. Some people think it reveals everything from your overall health to your current emotions. (I’ve always been kind of fascinated with the concept, and I even had my aura read for fun once. //laughs) In Chapter Four, we find out that while Akashi’s aura is more or less a single color (red), Furihata’s aura has multiple colors. Believers in auras often claim that the appearance and colors of a person’s aura can tell you a lot about them, and what they’re going through.

So it might seem like a stretch, to be including this stuff in a fic about a basketball anime… But weirdly enough, the canon of Kuroko no Basuke has a lot of intriguing moments that could be interpreted as referring to stuff like auras and clair senses? I could probably ramble on about my theories on this for FOREVER, so instead I’ll just leave a couple of screenshots here:

(Subtitles/translation courtesy of Crunchyroll)

… Yeah. I definitely did not come up with the idea to include this stuff on my own. XD (You can interpret these moments as symbolic too… But I feel like the story actually makes more sense if it’s literal, at least on some level? //laughs)

(Especially since that’s not even counting all the aura-like visuals in the show. And the weird eye stuff. And characters who can apparently predict the future in various ways. AND THE TRIPPY DOOR VISIONS AT THE END. SERIOUSLY DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON THE DOOR VISIONS. Anyway.)

On Platform Dining in Kyoto

I might talk about this in more detail for an upcoming chapter, but yes, the part about dining on platforms in Kyoto in the summer is a real thing! You can find a general overview about it here.

Basically, since it gets so hot and humid in the valley where Kyoto is, some of the restaurants have a tradition of putting up special wooden platforms over the river and serving their customers on them. It’s called “kawayuka” dining when it’s done over the Kamogawa river, inside the city. (An area outside Kyoto called Kibune also participates in the tradition, where this style of dining is called “kawadoko.”)

On the Yudofu Restaurant

Finally, in the longstanding tradition of me doing way too much research about the places in my fics, I did indeed pick out a real place for Akashi’s favorite restaurant!

First off, I should probably mention that yudofu isn’t just Akashi’s favorite food. It’s also one of the most famous regional dishes in Kyoto. (Maybe THE most famous!) Kyoto has a ton of restaurants that specialize in making high-quality tofu, so a boiled tofu dish like yudofu is extremely popular, both with locals and tourists. Yudofu itself was also created in Kyoto, because the monks working in the temples needed vegetarian dishes for their Buddhist diet.

Yudofu is thought to have originated in the area around Nanzenji temple. That being the case, I wanted to choose one of the most traditional, famous restaurants there to be Akashi’s favorite. I had a couple of choices, like this restaurant, which is one of the oldest restaurants in Japan. But in the end, I chose a place called Nanzenji Junsei because the atmosphere of the garden, the ability to reserve a private dining room, and the elaborate set meals all struck me as something Akashi and his family would appreciate. (Plus it seems to be highly rated as well as famous.) You can learn about the history of the restaurant, and see tons of pictures of the buildings, garden, and the food on the absolutely gorgeous official website here.

(Yeah. I want to go there. SO BAD. You can also see more pictures of the restaurant in the TripAdvisor reviews, including more shots of the private dining rooms.)

And while I haven’t been lucky enough to try it in Kyoto, I have made yudofu before! It’s an ultra simple dish that relies on the highest possible quality ingredients. So it’s definitely an appropriate choice for Akashi. (That being said, it does amuse me that his favorite food is basically just, well, tofu cooked in water… Like what teenage guy would say that was his top favorite food EVER? Oh, Akashi. You are such a Kyoto boy. XD)

On a side note, if you want an idea of how old some of the restaurants in Kyoto really are, I thought this article of the top ten oldest restaurants in Japan was interesting! Kyoto still has restaurants in operation that date all the way back to the middle ages.

The city’s culinary fame also inspired a longtime headcanon of mine that the Rakuzan players initially bonded over restaurant hopping… So that’s why that keeps popping up in my fics? //laughs Well, that, and this screenshot from one of the third season endings that literally shows them eating together in a place that looks like a Kibune kawadoko restaurant, and wearing yukata no less:

(Oh Mayu, I miss you, why did you have to graduate before this fic takes place? XD)

(And seriously don’t get me started on the shots of each team from that ending, they’re all adorable with great little geographical/cultural references AND I CAN’T)

Well, that’s it for my notes! I have a draft of the next chapter completed, and while my goal is to work ahead in the story first, I hope to be posting it very soon. (I don’t want to give too much away, but I will say… IT’S A TRIP.) I’ll also be sharing my Pinterest board for the fic then, so if you enjoyed the ones for Storming the Castle, that’s coming up!

[lia-nikiforov]

Spring 2018 Anime Watchlist

THERE IS TOO MUCH ANIME THIS SEASON I HAD TO BINGE 37 EPISODES IN THREE DAYS TO CATCH UP

Dropped

Mahou Shoujo Site: Although I originally intended to irony watch this one, expecting something like MahoIku or King’s Game, its sadistic reveling in the main character’s suffering was impossible to stomach. I felt physically ill at the end of it. I’m not, in principle, opposed to gory stuff, y’all know I sat through the whole stupidity that was King’s Game, but MahoSite doesn’t even reach the level of ridiculous over the topness to make it funny, it’s just a cascade of misery porn with not a single moment of levity or triumph for the heroine. I think I was done the moment that gratuitous “if you punch my stomach my period won’t come” line, because apparently some dudes get off on the idea of a woman being so brutalized she stops menstruating??????

Kakuriyo Yadomeshi: I was willing to give this one the three-episode trial after the first episode in spite of the godawful main love interest and the fact that the grandfather sold the MC into literal slavery wtf, because the main girl seems proactive and independent buuuuuuut fuck I hated episode 2. Not only does she seem to quickly forgive her grandfather for SELLING HER OFF, the men around her keep speaking over her and making decisions for her and she turns out to be just independent enough to not be a complete doormat, but not enough to appear defiant and I hate it. Thanks but no thanks, I ain’t here to see a romantization of being literally sold into an arranged marriage.

YOU THINK?!

Cutie Honey Universe: Before this, I’d had zero interaction with any other iteration of Cutie Honey, so I wasn’t sure of what to expect beyond knowing this was from the creator of Devilman. Certainly blatant homophobic jokes and jokes about physical abuse wasn’t in my list of thigs I expected to see, yet here we are. I ain’t here for “hyuk hyuk look at these fat/butch/ugly lesbians, aren’t they ridiculous” jokes either.

Butlers x Battlers: I completely forgot I watched this one. I don’t remember anything about it except being confused

GeGeGe no Kitaro: This one didn’t do anything wrong, but I was never gonna watch it. I just checked out episode 1 because I heard it made a dig at Logan Paul. I wish they’d gone all the way through and killed that character, but I guess you can’t have it all. It was actually a pretty decent episode, and in a weaker season I’d probably keep watching it, but there’s just too much stuff coming out. And I have watched previous Kitaro anime and it’s sometimes too meanspirited for me.

Uma Musume: I didn’t expect much from this show and was pleasantly surprised by the double-length first episode. Special Week was a nice, fun protagonist to root for and although the world-building was weird as heck, it was fun and positive. So I’m not exactly sure of what happened with episode 2/3 that it left me feeling completely dry. The pacing was super rushed, the characters all felt horribly flat, and the races weren’t super exciting because rather than any strategy or strong emotional realization, Special Week just has to start running even faster and faster in the final leg. It was also kind of implied she had gained weight? But then never brought up? And it’s not made very clear why she lost in the end? Was she supposed to learn humility and not getting too complacent? Seems too early for her to learn that when she’s supposed to be an underdog. I don’t know, it didn’t really work for me and I don’t feel like I care to watch more of it.

Because this post is long af and has a lot of gifs some folks were having trouble loading it on mobile, so you’ll have to read under the cut to know which are the shows I’m actually watching oops

Chopping Block: 

There is too much anime and I’m near the end of the semester so I’m gonna have to cut at least one -preferably two- of these shows

Sword Art Online Alternative: This was another one I intended to hatewatch? But rather than offensive or idiotic it’s so far been pretty boring. Episode one was a slog. The first half of episode two was a horrendous spectacle of hating your own body. The only think I liked was the friendship between LLENN and Pito (btw Pito meand ‘dick’ in Spanish and every time she says “call me Pito” I die). Then episode 3 was more boring exposition. FPS games are the least interesting I could think of, and I’ve never been into Let’s Play, so this show is hitting all the right notes to make me bored out of my mind. I also don’t appreciate the big dude not telling Llenn the plan and just kind of being condescending to her. If next episode is just 20 more minutes of the dude explaining things to Llenn, I’m out. (Also, Pito is 100% Elsa Kanzaki)

Legend of the Galactic Heroes: Not feeling this reboot at all. It’s all very dry and just dudes expositioning strategy at each other. Also there are 30 characters in the Ending and only 2 of them are women???? I’ll give it one more episode, but tbh I’ve had problems even paying attention to 2 and 3, it just doesn’t grab me.

Libra of Nil Admirari: Although I like the heroine and she might be one of the strongest reverse harem heroines I’ve seen, the plot itself is very... eh. The guys are also very uninteresting so far. There’s also the fact that Tsumugi claims to have no interest in men or love, but this being a reverse harem with a bevy of men starved for her attention makes me worry this’ll end with her being “fixed” by an actual nice guy who is worthy of her or something. But the OP is very cute!

Hatewatch

Darling in the Franxx: Boy oh boy, the otaku have been creaming their pants and tearing their clothes off for the last three weeks, but “Don’t call it Fucking, It’s Making Love” in the Franxx’s greatest achievement in my eyes is going for idiotically offensive to just bland and clichéd. A recent AMA on reddit with the producer seems to imply that none of the themes of sex, gender and heterosexism that have been at the core of the show were even properly thought out, nor were their implications even remotely considered. I don’t know if the show’s heterosexism would be worse if it was active propaganda rather than what it seems to be: a bunch of ideas the producers thought would be “cool” and “titillating” with no particular meaning to them. Also we’re 15 episodes in and all we’ve achieved is Palurdo has finally tamed his beast waifu who is Not Like Other Girls. Oh, and I guess the monsters actually had humans in there, what a shocker, never seen that before, never expected such a clever twizzzzzzzz....

Mid Priority

Tokyo Ghoul: Re : I thought I was done with Tokyo Ghoul after trying to read the manga and being bored shitless by all the unnecessary exposition, but this one, while not quite excellent, managed to pique my interest. The conceit of Kaneki losing his memories and joining the Doves and helping in exterminating ghouls I’m super not interested in, but his encounter with Nishio has made me curious enough about what has happened with the rest of the characters to keep watching for now.

Rokuhodou Biyori: The iyashikei show of the season I guess. The guys’ personalities are a little bland, so I might bump it down to the chopping block, but it’s only been two episodes, so I want to give it a fair chance

Persona 5: My history with Persona has never been good. Episode 1 of P4 made me sleep, and I watched the first P3 movie THREE TIMES and never managed to parse wtf it was about. This show shares some of the same problems in making me struggle to pay attention, but at least so far the plot seems interesting, the visuals are creative and striking, and I really like the main character’s design. I’m also more inclined to keep watching because Sayokan directed the OP for the videogame.

Hisone to Masotan: There’s a cynical part of me that watches this show and feels like I’m watching a commercial for the JSDF. Yvan eht nioJ, come join us, we have cool dragons!!! I also don’t love the fact that the dragon turns into a plane :/ BUT the characters have a lot of heart, the dynamics so far between Hisone and Masotan and Hisone and Kanzaki have been very touching. A part of me though, wishes Hisone had stuck with Otofu because it’s such a cute name and she sounded really funny yelling “OTOFU!!!”

Safe Sequels

Although some of these sequels would go in higher categories, I was unsure about how to rank them -especially the 2-cour ones- compared to some of my top premieres of the season, so I’m just putting them all together because there are A LOT of sequels.

Yowapeda Glory Line: FINALLY SOMETHING POSITIVE HAPPENED FOR SOHOKU. I was starting to feel exhausted with all the gloominess, especially for seeing Teshima punished, HE DESERVES EVERY GOOD THING. Now we can get back on track and hopefully have a fun race without Teshima brooding all the way through the episode. ALSO THANK YOU FOR THE EXCELLENT TESHIAO CONTENT

Nanatsu no Taizai: FINALLY ESCANOR SHOWED UP. It’s felt like the first half of the show dragged a lot compared to the manga, so I’m happy we’ve reached one of the coolest parts. Though if memory serves, the rest of the season will be spent floundering around, but damn, the Escanor vs Galand battle is very satisfying to watch.

Lupin III Part V: So this time around they’ve added the social media factor into Lupin’s adventures, and so far the result has been quite interesting. I don’t have a lot to say, the artstyle looks closer to classic versions of the franchise and has lost some of the edge from part IV, but the comedy and Lupin’s plans are still creative and fun to watch, even adding a unique spin to the social media component, so I’m excited to see where they take this. But we need more Fujiko yesterday pls

Binan Koukou Chikyuu Boueibu Happy Kiss: A soft reboot of this magical girl parody franchise, with frillier costumes and even more ridiculous attacks and transformations, and I’m here for it. I do wish we’d get at least some cameos from the original gang. I also feel that so far, apart from the Red guy (Kyotaro?) the others don’t seem to have much of a distinctive personality. It’s only episode three, so hopefully that’s something we’ll see developed as the show goes on.

Hozuki no Reitetsu: It’s the same as it’s always been, a brilliantly dry workplace comedy. If you haven’t watched the previous seasons, you’re missing out on one of the best comedies of this decade.

Boku no Hero Academia 3: After the recap first episode, the series has gone back full gear ahead into the next story arc and so far it looks pretty cool. Although I’m never a fan of “regular MC activity gets interrupted by villains”. Idk why it bothers me a lot -a prime example being the S Class exam getting cut short in Fairy Tail and the concept of S Class mages completely ditched thereon after. But anyway, I have faith in the writing that they’ll make this villain interruption cool and worth it. I do however wish they’d let us meet the Class B guys better.

Steins;Gate 0: You know, I was 100% ready to be disappointed and abandon this one right away, but damn, damn have these first two episodes been brilliant. The nuances in Okabe’s characterization, the portrayal of his grief, and his more mature attitude seem like a mirror of the watcher who has grown all the same in the seven years since the show’s original season. I’m hoping the teases about Maho as a potential love interest are a red herring, but other than that, I’m blown away by how good it has been so far. Just delete Daru please.

Card Captor Sakura: Clear Card: Things have started happening! We’re starting to see that Akiho’s mysterious book is somehow having an effect over the events of Sakura’s life. The episode with the animals was particularly strong, with a new card that had a nice renovated design, and a really emotionally effective scene of Sakura and Syaoran embracing to help Sakura regain confidence to save her friends. It’s one of the strongest episodes of the series so far, so hopefully we’ll have more of those and less of the “finding a card that only minimally makes 10 cm from a bookshelf disappear” type. As a sidenote, I find Akiho’s obsession with Sakura’s play a bit offputting.

High Priority

Mahou Shojo Ore: Given how little I knew about this series going in and how excited I was about it in spite of it, I’m pleased to report the show has lived up to my expectations in one way or another. The weird comedy is on point and also everyone is fucking gay. I’m rooting for you Blue Girl! Easily the superior show with Mahou Shoujo in its title.

Hinamatsuri: You know, I didn’t have super high expectations for this one, but it’s turned out to be a very nice surprise. It has that charming paternal relationship between Nitta and Hina that is cute and hilarious. I have to say I’m not super into the classmate-forced-to-become-a-bartender storyline and I’m not sure how that even fits with the rest of the show, so I hope there won’t be a lot of vignettes about it.

Piano no Mori: Wonky CGI and occassionally questionable character design choices (Ajino was so BEAUTIFUL in his youth, why does he look so ridiculous in the present?!!!) aside, this has been one of the strongest premieres of the season. I know fans of the manga have criticized it, but as someone unfamiliar with the original, I’m definitely intrigued by this story.

BESTEST

Megalobox: This one wasn’t on my radar at all. It’s one of those numerous cases of me seeing a title that sounds stupid and deciding to ignore the show based on that alone. I’m glad I stumbled on all the praise the premiere episode received because damn is it good. The story behind the cameras is that this is a 50th anniversary project for Ashita no Joe, and it was meant to be a reboot, but the director couldn’t find a way to make it work, so he created something entirely new, and aren’t we glad about that. It has a unique retro look and although the plot beats do call back to Ashita no Joe, our Joe feels like his own person alright. I think my only nitpick is that I’m not entirely sure of what is even the point of the additional gear. Also, I know how Ashita no Joe ends and I hope this show won’t end like that too :’D

Golden Kamuy: How long has it been since the last time a multi-awarded manga not only wasn’t disappointing but ended up being one of the most promising anime adaptations of the season? Yes, everyone’s seen the ugly CGI bear, moving on, this is a captivating and unique historical show with a so far excellent portrayal of Ainu culture and a kickass lady coprotagonist.  I am really excited to see where this one will go. Also, it was really exciting to hear characters actually speaking ainu language. I’ve done some research on Ainu history (and kickass Ainu women) for school, so I’m very pumped about this one.

Otaku ni Koi wa Muzukashii: By far my favorite premiere of the season. So far, two episodes in, it’s all I ever hoped it would be and more. The characters are charming, Narumi and Hirotaka’s relationship feels natural and effortless -both the romantic aspect of it, and the way they easily become comfortable with one another-. Narumi is delightful and very well-rounded, being as cheerful and optimistic as she can be cynical, and her quick-developing friendship with Hanako is so violently relatable I was screaming. I really love this show. ALSO THE OP IS SUPER CUTE

I FINALLY FINISHED WRITING THIS IT TOOK FOREVER BECAUSE THERE IS TOO MUCH ANIME

[dr-nero-is-god]

Battle of the AIs: Concluding Rambles

So, in the last two weeks I’ve highlighted some of the implications between Overlord’s name and H.I.V.E.mind’s names. In short, Overlord’s name not only implies a station of control, but recalls a feudal system where people’s bodies and labor were considered property and an independent, isolated authority figure. H.I.V.E.mind’s name, meanwhile, suggests a tendency to bring things together, allowing students to receive specialized attention amid H.I.V.E.’s industrious environment. 

Interesting, yes, but I want to take a moment and examine how these readings of these characters impacts our reading of the end of Escape Velocity (Chapter 13). Be aware, there will be spoilers for book three below the cut.

Chapter 13 is near the very end of Escape Velocity: Dr. Nero and Otto find themselves trapped on a space station. They learn that Overlord now lives in Number One’s body, that Otto was built to be Overlord’s replacement body, and that Overlord plans to take over the world. Despite their efforts against him, Overlord enters Otto’s body and intends to stay there permanently, but Otto begins to resist and ultimately confronts the AI within his consciousness. 

It’s here that we start to see Overlord’s feudal spirit make its move.

“You insignificant little worm,” Overlord bellowed, “you no longer exist. You’ve been overwritten. Why are you still here?”

“This is my head,” Otto said angrily. “I make the rules here.”

“Don’t be a fool,” Overlord said with a sneer. “You can’t fight this. Number One couldn’t and neither will you.”

“I’m not Number One,” Otto said calmly. “You upgraded me, remember?”

“You’re still no match for me. You’re just a ghost in the machine. Your body belongs to me now” (329-330).

Obviously, we can tell from the surface that Overlord is an arrogant machine that has no respect for Otto’s body, individuality, or autonomy. In some ways, it might be accurate to say that Overlord sees himself as the ONLY “real person” in existence, with the possible exception of H.I.V.E.mind. The most interesting phrase in this section, though, is Overlord saying that Otto is a “ghost in the machine,” which is a philosophy term that refers to the idea of the mind being separate from the body. In other words, in calling Otto a ghost, Overlord is suggesting that he has claimed Otto’s body as property and Otto’s mind has no particular right to it.

We would all understand this to be bad, as Overlord is infringing upon Otto’s bodily autonomy, but it reaches villainous proportions when we consider it from the context of a feudal lord. Infringing on someone’s bodily autonomy is wrong and bad and there’s a lot to be said about it, especially because it is such a gendered issue. In addition, I don’t think there’s anything I can say about Overlord, Otto, and bodily autonomy that hasn’t been said by Black people and African American scholars about slavery, because slavery is Overlord’s goal here, just with more high-tech access to someone’s mind. BUT I Googled stuff about feudalism so we’re just going to note some things and their implications. In particular, the thing about feudalism is that the model is supposed to represent a system of reciprocity where everyone scratches backs to get what you wanted. Otto is not getting any reciprocal value for sacrificing his body—being at the bottom of a pyramid always means you get the worst deal—but the thing about feudal systems is that it doesn’t work out well when there isn’t a large base of peasant labor. Initially, Overlord plans to do this with clones, but over the course of the series we see that Overlord can actually use any human body that he wants. Overlord is entitled to ALL people, ALL bodies, ALL property, because all bodies owe him loyalty (by nature of being a superior being).

(That said, Wikipedia also notes that there is debate as to whether the feudal system is an appropriate construct for medieval political situations at all, because today’s scholars are just trying to make sense of something that is chaotic and old-timey. In the same way, I am definitely reaching in this analysis, and furthermore trying to impose a hierarchy on something that we just can’t understand. It’s clear that H.I.V.E. argues that humanity can thrive in a body where biological brains and computer technology are merged; however, we have absolutely no idea what it would be like to have a separate entity trying to erase your consciousness. It’s enough to say that, like a feudal lord, Overlord demands the use of his property (i.e. Otto’s body), but that the actual experience of being deleted is currently impossible to describe.)

Overlord’s feudal superiority is chaotic and about reciprocal relationships that don’t pan out for the little guy. H.I.V.E.mind, meanwhile—despite the fact that he is named for a condition that stifles individuality—is fully committed to Otto’s bodily autonomy, which is what makes his character so heroic. 

“He is still here, Otto, inside me, inside you,” H.I.V.E.mind explained. “There is only one way to ensure that Overlord is destroyed. You must delete us both while I still maintain control and can allow you to do it.”

“No,” Otto said desperately. “There has to be another way!”

“I am afraid not,” H.I.V.E.mind replied. “This is your mind, Otto, your body; no one but you has any right to be here. You can will us out of existence as long as I can suppress Overlord, but the moment that control slips, and it will, he will return and destroy you, me, and then every living thing he encounters” (331). 

Here, H.I.V.E.mind informs Otto that he must die to kill Overlord, and that this is the right thing to do. This is an interesting, weirdly contradictory moment in the series because it is arguably the closest thing to an actual hive mind present in the series. For a few moments, Overlord, H.I.V.E.mind, and Otto occupy the same space of consciousness, and it seems as though they could potentially absorb each other to create one weird type of being. In one sense, this would be the ultimate gathering of individuals, a form of service that might appeal to a computerized person like H.I.V.E.mind. But he doesn’t. He says, “Otto, this is yours. Take it.”

Part of this, of course, is the moral imperative to destroy Overlord. Overlord’s existence puts the safety of the world at stake, and so it is not just a matter of protecting Otto’s autonomy but also the autonomy of every person on the planet. That H.I.V.E.mind would sacrifice himself to protect everyone is part of that heroism I was referring to earlier.

I just keep thinking about this scene because I wonder—is H.I.V.E.mind rejecting the principles of a hive mind, or is he upholding the best of values for living in a collective community? In my previous post, I noted that H.I.V.E. functions as a place where a bunch of people all come together with a collective purpose that can alienate individuals, suggesting that high school is like a soft hive mind that we all belong to for a while. But what if society was a hive mind? What if we were all, in some form, made of the same stuff as everyone else, and so everyone else deserved protection because “them” and “us” are arbitrary boundaries?

Assuming that is the case, H.I.V.E.mind upholds Otto’s individual bodily autonomy and in so doing upholds the very fabric of society. It’s a contradiction, and even here at the end of things I don’t feel like it makes sense. Even so, it is clear that Overlord is about protecting the individual—the glory of himself is the key thing that demands all attention. Meanwhile, H.I.V.E.mind is about protecting the group, the gathering of things, and because Big Blue defends Otto’s right to his body, he stays “gathered” amid the collective of family and friends who have adopted him at H.I.V.E. 

And I love that soooooooooooooo much.