#like starting from nothing ig
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after studying chinese for years trying to start learning another language is so fucked majorly
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“The things I do for love,” he said with loathing. He gave Bran a shove.
all this frothing insecurity is actually so funny if you consider that he is supposed to be the most beloved one by the rest. the bar is in hell with house lannister
#also when hes like um what am i worth to tywin now if i have no hand? nothing?#he is the one the other three doesnt want to actually murder ig#jaime dub!!!#its rough to be so popular#jaime lannister#lets not start discussing what ‘love’ even means among this family tho bc lmfaoooo#like im sorry but personally i can see why that twincest thing became a thing on his part too lol#im just so so obsessed with jc as a desperate means of achieving unconditional love from the self that u cant have otherwise#and that is precisely what makes it so so conditional
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venting like an idiot
the main reason i dont wanna go back to uni is that i feel like i've completely embarrassed myself last year. idk, i feel horrified at the thought of returning and looking these people in the eye. i didn't do anything, i was lazy and barely finished my projects and the only way to redeem myself somehow would be to come back with some new energy and work hard. i didn't even really get a job this summer because i really wanted to rest, cause i thought i would drop out. and i just feel worse, i feel even more tired
#ughhhh#im not going to drop out just yet#itd be a shame i think#theres many opportunities at my uni that i just dont take cause i cant commit to them or im too tired or im too scared#idk if doing any of this is worth it if i don't truly commit tho#i dont think ive learned anything these past 2 years tbh i feel like ive been wasting time and money#and i know my mental state is just my fault cause i cant get myself to do anything and i feel shame and spiral but goddd#idk i just feel like shit#the academic year starts so soon and i just dread everything thats to come#idk i dont even feel like im going to come out of this school with a portfolio. im literally nothing and ive done nothing#i have no idea how i could write a dissertation because ive literally learned nothing i have no desire to learn i just want to fucking chil#i cant get myself to care much for anything except silly shit thats just a distraction from uni work ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh#sucks sucks everything sucks#sorry for this stupid fucking essay im just having lots of thoughts and no one to tell them so.. um#vent#i know this is all my fault but also like. what am i supposed to do about it every solution sounds like literal hell to me -_-#i guess ive been feeling less suicidal recently which i guess is good but i feel like its bad cause like ykiyk ig#idk its all a huge contradiction
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Baron strikes. Varian is the only person avaible to help Catalina although he's kind of sceptic the whole way through.
#sheerak#Catalina isn't really fond of Varian at this point too#it's like a year or two after the finale#I had this short story in my head since 2020 and I will probably do nothing with it for another few years.#fun fact sometimes a random person starts texting me out of nowhere on ig and I use it as an opportunity to pitch my story ideas like this#she stole the pink bomb from his bag and he's like ok don't do this and I'm sure this is a bad idea#designs are from 2021#I have no idea how old catalina is in canon ??? she's like 4 years younger than V i guess?#please I will practice backgrounds I promise#tangled the series#varian#varian tangled
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Hey did I ever tell y'all about the time I dreamed that I had a baby daughter called Ellie that began with my finding out I was pregnant and ended on like her third birthday?
I legitimately woke up thinking "I should go check on Ellie" and then realised she was never real and when I tell you I SOBBED. I've been haunted by an implacable sense of loss ever since. Did I travel to another dimension? Wtf happened because that was insane.
#I'm not even joking when I say it felt REAL#I have this baby doll (it was my mum's when she was a kid and I have it now) that sometimes I just hold and it makes me feel better???#Did I astral project into another life?????#Was it just a really fucking intense fever dream??????#For the record I was like fifteen I have never even done the do let alone had a pregnancy scare#But yeah my little Ellie#And she never fuckin existed#I woke up halfway through planning her birthday party like baking a cake or sm and I was thinking#“I'll give her the little green cardigan I knitted”#Woke up to a silent house and was like “she's never usually quiet this time in the morning”#Then realised what had happened and started CRYING#idk man it's insane#From a psychological point of view it's fascinating but I've tried and tried to analyse the dream and?????#I always come up with something different???? I can't pinpoint the actual cause and effect of the whole thing?????#Madness honestly#And it was just a normal day too nothing weird had happened it wasn't a coma and I wasn't knocked out it was just a Dream#A very very real one#For the record I don't think Ellie had a father#I think it was just an immaculate conception that nobody ever questioned#Might have been IVF now I think about it#That would make more sense#dream#weird dreams#Ig I should add a grief trigger warning???#tw grief#one time i dreamt#Very confused and it's been like two years so wtf yeah that was... Intense#The most dream of all time#Maybe I'm just fucking insane lol but yeah
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ALSO, I JUST WANT TO SAY. Although I'm not the biggest Ivypool fan, I never really was, THE FANDOM ISN'T EXACTLY ALWAYS NICE TO HER EITHER. Now, it's not as bad as the way they've treated Dovewing. And Ivypool often felt like a fan favorite, even !! But. I've also seen some terrible takes on THE BOTH of them. Alongside Hollyleaf as well. Honestly, those three cats seemed to get a lot of weird controversy meanwhile Jayfeather is Literally Perfect Boy to the fandom, and even LIONBLAZE doesn't really get much hate- he's just seen as kind of boring, which, is pretty accurate for the majority of the time he had a POV. very starkly different vibe the fandom has towards those cats meanwhile Holly, Ivy, and Dove all stir up arguments all the time. Them being flawed characters are a GOOD THING and idk why some people dont get that
#warrior cats#wc#wc hot takes fr#im sorry im pissed off right now#i like starting trouble ig idk#nothing makes me more upset than seeing undeserved hate towards things#i've always disagreed with a lot of the wc fans opinions tho#more recent ones arent usually this bad but.#what can you expect from a book where ivypool and dovewing have large roles?#people are so mean to them. both of them.#i have my reasons to dislike ivy but COME ON#THIS BOOK WAS GOOD#ivypool#ivypool's heart#IT FEELS WEIRD IM THE ONE SAYING THIS WHEN FOR THE LONGEST TIME. I WASNT AN IVYPOOL FAN.#ive hardly ever seen a single person ever in my whole life ever even dislike jayfeather.#i think blixemi doesnt like him and thats literally the only person i can remember ever saying they dont like Jayfeather#and like ITS FINE TO LIKE HIM!!! thats not my problem#my problem is. why do you like whiney boy over there but not dovewing#and sometimes even ivypool and hollyleaf#anyways#yeah#my point is#this fandom confuses me
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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I'm gonna have to work on my final project non stop for like a month straight bc I procrastinated on it too much fuck my stupid baka life
#.txt#also I have to do a movie pitch for it bitch it's an amv with intentionally one dimensional characters 😭 tf do I even say about it#at least the characters are like. knockoff jaime and tommen so its almost like im drawing asoiaf fanart#unfortunately I've come to hate them. the knockoffs I mean#I wanna change the designs a bit so they dont resemble my blorbos as much. i think im gonna give the kid darker hair#ok well discount jaime just looks like him with 2 hands and a blue cape 💀and I cant change him atp#my worst mistake was giving him like. a solid metal skirt armor thing bc its a pain in the ass to animate#at the start of the year I had the most work done out of everyone how did this happen#its bc they started nitpicking the story and I kinda lost motivation to work on it lke this shit is stupid. and cringe#by they I mean the extra screenwriting teachers we had a couple lessons with which like. this is an animation course not a writing course#I'd get it if it was like. a full time school but we have 2 3 hour classes a week we dont have time for this shit man#ig my mistake was that my idea didn't start from the story it started from the song I wanted to make a cool music video for it#its not that the story is nonsensical or anything its just a very basic fairytale esque thing nothing groundbreaking#'but you're not SAYING anything with this' I'm not trying to omg just let me make my little amv :(#does everything need a plot twist or to subvert expectations is it not enough that it looks cool#there's a couple people who are worse off than me in terms of how much they've done but also theres a couple that are nearly done#looking at them like god I wish that were me.....#and also I think I accidentally overwrote a shot I worked on for 3 hours. killing myself#maybe I can restore a previous version but its on the school computer and the school is closed for a week so im not gonna know until then
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looking at the clock and going "oh. i didn't. even realize it was past 8pm." and its not funny or cool its just unbelievably concerning
#medusa rambles#kind of venty ig#ive been having. a really shitty two weeks and an even shittier few days#i decided to step down from the student organization i started a year ago#which basically means itll probably fade into oblivion#i lost so many connections i had to this awful fucking college#in the past two weeks#and its like#all i have left tying me there is a degree that i don't really need for what i want to do#and a handful of professors & staff i genuinely value#i have very little support system in general and its just#why am i even staying here#why stay. genuinely why stay#i am such a community based person and like#i have no community there#everyone who im close with there just#are busy and i get it and i understand it but we Don't Talk. they understand my life via scattered updates that they dont really care for#and talking into the void is funny until its. not.#and logically i know that this is just like. pure depression speaking and not actually reflective of whether my friends care for me or not#but it just doesnt matter#and i think its just like. i Need to stop trying#because every attempt at any form of connection#that just fails completely and utterly is so severely damaging#but what do i have if i don't try. what is there otherwise.#i remember a year ago#when i first started college#sitting in my dorm and sobbing every night because i was just so fucking isolated from everyone around me#and its like. nothing has really changed. i am just as isolated as i was then#i think honestly like. maybe i do just need to be hospitalized again#i dont. feel like i did when i was 16 but i know that This is not sustainable and not good and like. sitting and going
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not me and my manager trauma bonding over mommy issues 💀💕 i love her aksksk oof i had to go smoke and Think after this one
i love when our one on ones are basically like lol i don't have much 2 talk about this wk and we get like 40m to hang n talk after getting work stuff out the way. she is such a sweetie and so fun (❁´◡`❁)
#i talked about my intro 2 adulthood and what it was like around before/when i left home and how my sis was just 10 when i left#so we never rly got to be close n i just started talking 2 her this year. but the last thing i told my mom was she lost her son forever#and that she better not fuck up with my sister - and she took it to heart fr which was Great for my sister.#she grew up v loved and supported and idk as the eldest u have complicated feelings being the experiment child.#and as an older sibling u are genuinely happy ur younger sibling has it so much better but there's this disconnect where u both have#Very very different feelings about ur mom and family in general ig. but it's from having lived different lives and idk.#she relates though 😔💕 oldest sibs rly b dealing w moms that tear them down then watch w bittersweet feelings that ur sibs get a better#life. my life itself is fine lol im kinda stoned (｡ﾉω＼｡) but like. a good loving childhood. support. community n never feeling like#there's Nothing for u here. she's turning 21 in December it's crazy how time flies. I'm glad she's doing good but I'm just thinking about#how we had Very different lives and stuff going on in our late teens 😮💨#bless my manager fr i'm glad we got to get into it !! 😹 i can see why i miss her when we don't get to meet for the week
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In case it's hard to read/understand: "If I had a nickel for every time I had a story with a blonde girl named after a plant, who has a German father and a French mother but absolutely hates said mom, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice."
weird, extremely-specific tropes in my stories: pt 1
#oc liveblogging#ughhhhhhh i really CANNOT afford to be procrastinating rn but i know this happens when im extremelyyyyyy fucking stressed.#creative/art related classes always get me for this reason bc ill use 'wait but i need to find inspiration!' as an excuse to procrastinate.#fuckkkkkkkkkk. UGH IM NOT EVEN WRITING SOMETHING FROM SCRATCH ITS JUST A FINAL REVISION BUT IM CONVINCED IT SUCKS#the worst part is hkjhkjGHKJ I HAVE TO PRESENT SOME OF THIS SHIT AT AN. INTERNATIONAL FUCKING CONFERENCE GUYS. GUYSYSSSS#anyways this post is sadly not related to that. nothing im presenting is related to my ocs [un]fortunately lmao#ive just been thinking rotating various oc stories around in my head again ourgghhhh.#and i realized this LMAO. i mean maybe technically not 2 separate stories anymore because im recycling a lot from one for the other?#one of these was already established lowkey and the other was something i made for an assignment for a class like 2 years ago#i actually don't know if petunie will be blonde in her final incarnation?? ive always imagined her as silvery blonde ig but idk#if ill keep that. she doesnt have proper colors like colin but at least colin has his design set more straight somewhat.#and all the recent petunie development is lowkey really fucking funny to think abt. i girlbossed with her character development so#hard that she really replaced lucian as a protagonist HAHAJSDHKGJ. ok well not 100% kamille's story is a shoot-off#of lucian's technically? i guess? it started becoming that and now its solidified as that lowkey bc same town same place time period people#but man if im not careful i might accidentally make kamille/petunie's arc THE default one and lucian's main one the offshoot instead#a lot remains to be seen. but also yeah the other one who's story is mostly getting recycled (myrtille) actually ALSO HAD HER MOM#COME FROM THIS SAME FUCKING PLACE BASICALLY. a few decades later but still bruh given developments for lucian's story too its just like#at this point im noticing a pattern man wtf is wrong w/ women who come from this town specifically lol. 😔🥴#this town in general is just fucking cursed though i think ahkjshkg. i mean that jokingly and literally lolololl i gotta. work on it. but y#I HATE IT HERE WHY ARE WEIRD LITTLE FUCKING TOWNS WHERE BAD SHIT HAPPENS ALWAYS A CONSISTENT TROPE IN MY STORIES /silly#I DONT EVEN COME FROM A WEIRD LITTLE TOWN MY HOMETOWN IS LIKE. AVERAGE NORMALISH NOT SUPER LARGE??? IDFK?????#haaaaaaa fuck i need to finish this by the end of TODAY I S2G!!! SO I CAN MOVE ON TO ALL THE OTHER SHIT I OWE FUCKKKK
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#it actually makes me sick like physically ill how much praise is heaped onto goyishe american leftists#people who could not point to gaza on a map six months ago. whose knowledge of middle east history comes from outdated textbooks and twitte#for being anti imperial activists and well educated anti imperialists with all the right buzzwords and all the right opinions#meanwhile nothing i say will ever be good enough bc i'm jewish and palestinians are tokenized by people who care more about appearing#like someone who Listens to Palestinians as opposed to 1) doing anything material to help them (like donating money)#and 2) not spreading obvious misinformation. something that does material damage to the cause of liberation#AND further fuels the most insidious of zionist propaganda which relies on the antisemitism of ignorant western goys#this propaganda banks on their antisemitism bc it's that fucking reliable#every white western goy that harasses jews or spreads misinfo about jews or is straight up just racist towards random israeli immigrants#ppl living in the west like running coffee shops that are now having their windows smashed bc that what? supports palestinian liberation?#makes it that much easier for actual zionist propagandists to say 'see. this was never about imperialism. they want an excuse to harm you.'#'you are only safe with us'#i grew up in a cauldron of this kind of propaganda and i was playing on hard mode i got it from the orthodox#it took years of dutiful unlearning. of wrestling with some really difficult realities. of realizing that i'd been not only lied to#but information had been deliberately kept from me to keep me from knowing the true depths of the horror happening in gaza#i did not get the luxury of starting to care about this six months ago during a concerted effort to correct the record#i had to put in the effort to unlearn two decades of propaganda given to me so young i don't remember a time when i didn't know it#and i am by far not the only jew with this experience#i have put in way more effort to care about this than every white western goy with a megaphone posting palestinian flags on IG#but none of that matters bc i am a jew and for the last 5000+ years we don't get to decide how we're discussed or how we're remembered#never mind how many jewish voices (and yes! even israeli voices!) have been supporting liberation efforts in palestine for years.#who've done an amazing job reaching more people who need help seeing through the propaganda they were raised on#i can only be a token who speaks only in protest chants or i can be an evil zionist. the anti imperial work doesn't matter.#bc anti imperial work is hard and none of them actually want to do it they just want the protest photos#anyway this is why i don't discuss this on the piss on the poor website. tbh i don't trust y'all
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I wanna take a crack at making some fake screenshot graphics for my Sif Odile duo loopers au but I do not feel confident enough in my ability to mimic isat's art style and I also have a crippling fear of drawing backgrounds
#rat rambles#stars posting#I wanna make a thing for odile's parallel scene to the bathroom scene were sif forgets odile's name#but it takes place in the traps room by the wood carving tools which isn't the worst room to have to draw ig but I still dont want to#I could just take the lazy route and just sketch the scene so I can get it out of my head and I probably will#but at the same time I also should draw more stuff with backgrounds even if it makes me want to throw up and cry#but yeah the scene is basically just odile having a derealization moment while thinking abt the wooden odile carving sif made for her#just her looking at it and feeling nothing and trying to look ahead at siffrin expecting to be reminded of what it's supposed to make her#feel and just being met with the same emptyness in her chest as she can barely even recognize the person in front of her until they look#back at her and their expression shifts into a extremely concerned one#does that make sense? idk if Im explaining it well but I hope it makes sense#but yeah smth smth them becoming less real to eachother overtime much to the horror of both#also unrelated but I need to start rotating loop in this au in my head more theres so much to work with here#I have some vague ideas and thoughts but I have been too odile brained to properly elaborate on those in my head#Im honestly just glad Ive finally made an au that I can actually get invested in fleshing out#I havent rly found a good headspace to rly play around with the main cast but this is actually giving me smth to chew on#usually most thoughts I have abt isat just lead to me thinking abt my ocs lol#regardless Im having fun with this au and I hope that I can bring myself to commit to it#also Ive been trying to think of a decent name for this au and Im half tempted to call it from the top or smth but I feel like Im tempted#to call like every story I make that so Im on the fense abt it#especially since thats what Ive been planning on calling the prologue for spiraling upwards#not that I cant just do both but I wanna see if I can think of any alternatives
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a little personal project i'm slowly chipping away at, thought it would be fun to make it into a chart that i add a doodle to every time i finish a new character so i can track how i'm going with it!
by project i just mean i want an oc of each type. i'm not making a game or anything the positions listed are purely for fun HDJBFJFKE
#clai speaks#clai's ocs#ignore the doodle of cyril though that isnt final. it was part of me Trying to come up with something for him so i just scribbled whatever#its not what i want him to look like but yhe doodle was so cute i wanted to keep it. maybe i'll turn it into a different oc idk#the laguardia siblings!!! and clear's here too ig#anyone who's been written here whether they have a design or name or not have some kind of character established already#like while i have a couple concepts for a rock trainer nothing is concrete yet so that spot remains empty for now#but even though chase doesnt even have a finalized name or position i know he's a gifted psychic who just uses his powers to do art#mago and colbur are brothers and run their gym together like tate and liza. first explicitly dual type gym!#(striaton gym not counted bc you only fight one of the triplets there)#chip and cassidy are also brother and sister#corey and kalin are cousins#mago and colbur run a berry farm and cafe. cole runs a pizza parlor. polly makes jewelry out of bug-type pkmn silk and stuff#cassidy's research centers on tm/hm development. unnamed dragon trainer is a costume designer#corey is an actor so good at her job people joke that she's being possessed by her characters. kalin is a mischievous ballet dancer#chip i'm pretty happy with. he's supposed to be like a youngster that grew up and became more experienced#he used to be shy before setting out on his journey but grew immensely from it and became champion#goes back to the first town and mentors the new trainers bc he knows how scary it is to set out on a journey for the first time#hides his champion status so that the kids aren't afraid to challenge him#i didnt want to go too detailled bc it is super late HSIBFIF I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ASLEEP LIKE THREE HOURS AGO#i just really want to share these bc these concepts have just been sitting in my notes for like a year?#over a year. i started this some time after making alto#point is i've been sitting on these ideas way too long but designing them so slowly i dont want to wait to talk about them anymore#this chart is so empty rn but i will finish it!!! one day!!!!
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I'm making an art blog, btw
@tranz-rightz
#I'll still be posting art here; but I'll also be reblogging most of it over there#So it's easier to look at#There's nothing on it *yet* don't be surprised. But tomorrow I'll start the process of rb all the art from this blog#Because it is more than I thought it'd be#(This unfortunatly includes some of the older stuff...At least I can say I have imporved ig /lh /hj)#But yeah if anyone wants to check it out. But like I say the art will still be here too#Just Talking
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truly nothing like the girl i had a crush on in college (and in two separate conversations i suspected it might be mutual) posting from the beaches concert that leandra is an icon and also i found out s few days ago she and her bf just broke up
#what do i DO#in case it's not clear talking about leandra means she is in fact bi this is akin to drunk girl from party posting about chappell#(gayer actually bc everyone's loving chappel now)#the answer is that i like the leandra post and do nothing else and i wait longer than i did w my ex after her breakup#(though i was still waiting she's the one who started things) but regardless. going insane here !!!!!!#shes a tattoo artist now and she did one of mine and i had some completely unfounded hopes for that day until i found out about the bf#but now that it's over...............#vie#fuck it her name is dani her tattoo account is dose.of.dot#wait i actually am coincidentally about to make the slightest move bc my next ig post of my scrapbooking style photo dump catch up includes#the day i got the tattoo and i'll be tagging her#open to ideas to makey caption the slightest bit flirty somehow?? probably wont do it#it was going to be 'november 2022: new tattoo by @dose.of.dot 🖤 and uoft engineering tour with matt (he starts this fall!'#i was deciding between the heart and 🌿 bc the tattoo is literally that but the black heart is kind of her thing#wait. i just went on her ig again and we have the same favourite emoji it seems bc she has her name as Dani✨ and i changed mine bc i was#annoyed that john associated it w me but mine used to be sierra✨#........i think im gonna change it back it's not obvious enough that she'd think it's weird right? it literally used to be that for ages#im doing it#ok i did it and i'll make the post tomorrow and that's all
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