#like she had so many hopes and dreams
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this job search has me feeling so bitter and negative recently and i hate it so bad :((((((( plus i think spending so much time on tumblr is starting to affect me cause i find myself being needlessly mean or like overthinking the most random online discourse and it's not good for me!!!
#also looking at what my old classmates is up to did not help#plus got the most shittiest job offer today (for a job APPARENTLY a hr from me for 13/hr haha no)#so yeah............. god please give me a good paying job soon..... pls#i feel like recently ive been wrestling with the idea that im disappointing my younger self#like she had so many hopes and dreams#and here i am with barely achieving any of them :(#luna.txt#damn this is like the 5th vent post i made on here in the past 2 months aint it................ welp
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'I wont cry for you, I wont crucify the things you do. I wont cry for you, see, when you're gone, I'll still be BLOODY MARY'
#cw blood#SUUUPER SCUFFED LIL WIP THATS BEEN RRRROTTING IN MY FOLDER. OUT!! GET OUT!!!#its almos 2 am and imm gettin high as hrothgar. spruced this up within an hour so i could be shared n eaten#its SUPPOsed to be part ofa bigger doodly page so ofc theres the chance this changes between now n then#fuuuuck shoulda made her dress sparkly. fuckit ill fix it laterrrrr. i havnt posted art in YWEARRS i needed to post something#also i uh. well you see i started losing followers on twitter bc im sooo inactive and i KNOW that shouldnt matter like it should be whateve#but. you see. i lkike when number go up and when it go down i get MMMADDD.we all get our dopamine from somewhere#ANYWAY so i actually havnt touched the suckening in so long. been workin on oc stuff.BUT WELL. ARTHUR AND MARY. STILL MAKE ME WEEP#THEYRE SO CUTE N TRAGIC...whadda fuck is it with grizzly n charlie characters being so in love and so doomed#kian and becky then arthur and his various exes like CMAHn.stop doing this to me#from what i remember of the episode.she seemed so.tired.disconnected.like she had been wandering a dream#and yet she seemed so positive.reasonably concerned and yet.content.she warmed up to arthur as soon as she recognized him#she speaks so gently and so sweetly and she keeps the conversation so light.even though shes dead and shes gone and she#is doomed to wander an odd limbo for the rest of time.and yet she seemed so at peace.i can see why arthur liked her.what happened?#what caused them to separate?arthur seems so jaded and so tired.marys company seems like such a gentle place to rest.#how did he squander such a blessing?was it a blessing?OHH what i would give to crack open their minds and peer inside.#yknow wat im runnign out of room i think so ill add a last thought here at the bottom of my tags. I AM MORE CORRECT ABT ARHTURS UGLY LOOK#I WANT THAT MAN TO BE BEASTLY AND GROSS AND STRANGE AND SCARY AND EEWWW I SEE THINGS SQUIRMING IN THE DARK.ther are bugs#LETTING HIM HAVE HOT HOT ABBS AND STUFF WAS A COP OUUTTTT LET HIS WHOLE FORM BE DISTORTED OR UR NOT A FUCKING 0 APPEARANCE BITCH#THE BONES SHIFTED BENEATH AS IF TRYING TO HATCH. MANY OTHER THINGS HATCHED ASWELL. THE DEAD IMMORTAL FLESH SOURED#TOO GRAND TO ROT BUT TOO CORRUPTED TO KEEP CLASSIC FORM. MMMONSTER MONSTER MONSTER MONSTER#oka y im not going to bed but im gonna go. uh. do miore drugs or something. maybe ill work on more jrwi stuff. or oc stuff.#i hope ur day goes swimmingly thankyou for reading my tags i love you so so so so so much
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Hi!! could I rq an earthy green themed pitbull puppy moodboard? thank you!! -awruf 🐕🐕
Yes!!
#pitbull puppy#!!!!!!!!!!#i had a pitbull#for many years#she was the sweetest#her name was ruby#to go with our great dane Max#they were so cute#anyway#i hope you enjoy#sfw interaction only#moodboard#sfw agere#agere#age regression#sfw littlespace#agere moodboard#age dreaming#could also be#puppy regression#sfw puppyre#petre#pet regression#sfw petre#pitbull#can you tell I like forests#no pacifier
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hello! quick question, i know this is very soon after you posted the comic of young lime trying to bully mochi, and i’m sorry if a question like this has been asked before, but when mochi sees the candy bits and is able to recognize what spells they could be used in and the effects they have, is that from studying magic a lot or is it like a natural identification ability/instinct that she has? thank you!! i hope you have a good day :)
oh thats a great question actually!!!! it comes from studying!!!!
as a kid she was already trying to be a very diligent witch-to-be!! she would spend a lot of time with her mom while she was making spells, so between reading a lot of spellbooks + hanging out when her mom was making potions + wanting to be like her mom, shes good at spotting things that could be used in spells even from an early age!!
(that being said, as a kid she still messed up a lot on the right ingredients. shed bring home random items and be like "I got us spell ingredients!!" and tiramisu would be like "Oh!! Thanks sweetie!!" and didnt have the heart to tell her that whatever she brought home was some useless piece of grass or something jkldj)
#i guess nothing is really USELESS to a witch but there are items that are like. dont really grab those#either cuz theyre abundant enough that you dont need to collect them or the effects are so weak its not worth it#baby mochi had such a passion for magic and was so excited to be a witch and have magic one day#but when she gets magic and works with it she gets hella discouraged#she frequently wishes she had the mind of her 5 year old self who was so full of enthusiasm#but she messes up so much as a witch and its so exhausting it becomes more like a chore#like how you have a childhood dream of being an astronomer or artist something#but once you grow up you face so many struggles pursuing it you lose the love for it#magic burnout is mochis character arc#she finds herself again eventually and becomes confident in magic#but in a more mature way that uses it responsibly and loves it for what it really is#and less like her baby self that wanted to make cookies and fireworks appear out of thin air#the tags got serious but the question was cute#i hope you have a good day too!!!!!!!!!!!#new thing i never touched on: mochi character arc#you see hints of it in the webtoon though. its rough for her starting out. pom was not easy on her#but i think its the kind of familiar she needed
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meowdy... <3
#i'm so close to caught up on everyone's lovely art and fics ;_; hghghgh and if you've sent an ask i'll answer it soon!!#[to the one person who knows who she is: KJSNKJN. KJSNDKJNDKJ. AAAAAA???? (positive)]#i've been very avoidant lately of online spaces ;; pt has been hard on my wrists so i haven't been able to work much on my plushie#and typing has been just as hard -- if it isn't the pain it's the inflamed nerves wrecking my hand-eye coordination#so i think i'm pressing keys when i'm not or i'm pressing all of the wrong keys. so it takes me twice as long to type anything ;;#i'm hoping we're building a good rapport tho and finding an equilibrium between Not Pushing Enough#and TOO MUCH TOO MUCH OW OW OW (week-long whole-arm nerve pain) kjsnfkjn so. i hope that means i'll be able to type regularly again soon!!!#we're just in the learning phase of both of us figuring out what my nerves can handle without exploding lmao. turns out: not much!!#i really want to talk to people again rghhhh i miss everyone sm!!! i keep being like 'wow i'm so lonely i wonder why that is'#<- has been disconnected from friends for many weeks#i WAS finally able to finish ren's face tho! very slowly! and i'm close to done w the body embroidery!!!#excited to have that done. not excited to start hand sewing. wish i had a working sewing machine even if i could only sit at it#for a few minutes at a time sjdfnskjn life could be a dream...#HENNYWAISE. hopefully i will soon have my carpal tunnel and pinched nerves reined in. my mars anniv is tomorrow#and i don't have anything to show for it bc of my wrists so. blows a kiss into the sky for her <3 my beloved oc-ified oushirou KJNSDKJN#i'm rambling and dont want to edit things bc pain from today's appointment ok i love u byebye 👋🏻👋🏻👋🏻👋🏻👋🏻#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]#vent -#<- just in case
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mistakes were made. should not have gone to library today. i will be leaving the house all five days of the week now (plus we went to a waterside on sunday for several hours) and uhm... i feel like i need to go hibernate for several weeks to feel even remotely okay again fhdkdl i am so tired i can barely think enough to string words together in any comprehendable way 🧍<- upset
#oohoohoo the self destructive ''well maybe I'll just push myself bc im going to be tired either way'' sure was a bad choice!#''lol who cares anymore im sick of being fatigued and im probably just making it up'' you are a fucking idiot god bless your soul#and yet.... the urge to Make It Worse is still so strong.... gee i sure do love p.mdd!#honest to god im so fucking frustrated w this brain lately#been trying to hide any sharps away from myself because I've just been so wildly careening into self destructive tendencies#and im sick of trying to like. control myself. i am my own keeper and im fucking sick of it gjfkdl#im trying so fucking hard to hold it together and keep myself on the right path but im really just incredibly tired#it feels like im trying to wrestle a knife out of a toddler's hand#and then the toddler cries and tantrums bc they wanted the knife#and i have nothing to give them to distract them. except im also the toddler.#idk how long i can keep this up for bc im ALSO managing other ppls emotions and baggage and shit at the centre#and over text. mainly that one person who i wish would just fucking leave me alone#but her grandma is literally on her deathbed so I can't rly try learning how to be firm rn#bc if i try to be firm i worry i will end up being a dick and i dont want to do that while she's struggling w pre-emptive grief#i don't know !!! im just so goddamn exhausted and struggling#and the world seems very cruel and terrifying and im honestly convinced im never going to find a way to exist peacefully in it#like im always going to be scared and struggle to trust ppl and struggle to socialize and feel safe anywhere#im going to be so honest. i wish i had One friend irl fhfkdl like. i think that would help a lot of my issues#to have someone i care about and respect and who actually cares about AND respects me back#and who i could just. be around. exist in the same vicinity. and not feel so scared and unsafe#a bit of a break from those constant feelings while not being isolated#who i could do activities with ???#thats actually so hard for me to imagine ever having ffhdjlsl its been so many years since I've had any semblance of that#it doesn't feel like im ever going to have that again :') it feels so impossible. pipe dream. unrealistic and unattainable#okay i need to shut up fhdksl sorry for being so insane on here every day jfc#one of these days i hope i will be genuinely stable for like... longer than a day fhfkdl#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#self harm mention
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CLORINDE IS HOME AND SO IS C2 DILUC 😍😍😍😍😍
#FUCKING TOOK ME 80 PULLS TO BRING HER HOME BUT. SHE'S HOME#also i had guaranteed on standard so i pulled hoping for a diluc AND I GOT HIM#DILUC BETTER APPEAR IN MY DREAMS TONIGHT 😍😍😍#also i fucking cursed myself and got so many dupes of bennett like BRUH#at least thoma came home to me too :')#AND NOW I CAN DREAM OF MY AYATHOMA 3SOME.........#posts by reiko#rei is shit posting#rei plays genshin impact
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YAYYY MISHA THEME!!!
MISHA 💖💓🩷❤️💕💖💓🩷💖❤️💖💓💓💖🩷💓
#i loevev them so much did you know that#currently saving up for him and it is HELL after spending it all on sparkel .so many quests and not enough timw .........#and . ouhhh havent had the chance to talk abt . shit what is it called . lemme go see real quick .#A CHILDS DREAM . yknow that one map with the text on the walls and the melted clocks and stuff .#that was done . SO incredibly well it makes me INSANE...........#so like . im 100.1% sure the speaker (who talks abt mikhail a lot) in that room is misha.#like that IS her voice right . im not going insane#its just . auuh... the dreams (or at least golden hour) in peacony are so childlike .... like . some of the puzzles are jigsaw puzzle ;#turn into a small cartoon character ; and help the cartoon character find his cartoon gears .#and then you get to clockie . who can only be seen by someone w a childs innoence (or smth around those lines)#and that misha can see clockie . which like . cool right ? yeab. UNTIL YOU GET TO A CHILDS DREAM ..#where theres something just ... sososo off .#and its ... its just gotta be misha . its gotta be . idk if theres anything outside of main story im missing (there probably is)#BUT . augh . auf even .#childs dream still has these childlike qualities to it (the paper birds; walking on walls) but just ... more warped#(the general atmosphere of the place; the monsters even .)#the music having a music box to make the tone of the song more distressing ... how its so much more smaller than golden hour ..#aughhhhhh ... its just such a good parallel..... i could talk abt it all day really .#anyways . i WAS going to tell u abt my misha theory (which may or may not be confirmed) bu t i got DISTRACTED.#uhh anyways . my theory is that misha is somehow trapped in peacony .#when misha goes onto the parlor car they mention that theyve never been outside of peacony before and that she can t stay for long .#which i imagine is very normal! BUT its this combined w her lock motif (pupils; most of the doors in childs dream) thag make me suspicious#i mentioned before that golden hour has a very childish quality to it. and that misha has that childish quality.#okay well . what if mishas being kept there so that golden hour can keep on being a dream for other people?#and so that would make golden hour mishas dream. (or part of his dream? could be more people the familys keeping)#and that would imply that childs dream is . well . mishas nightmare .#uhm . i think thats it ..? if i come up w anything else ill . ramble abt it somewhere . definitely not the most eloquent but#i hope i got the point across <33#i think its an understatement to say i love misha . i LOVE MISHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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Personal, death tw
My friend who was killed made the news? Its so bizarre to see her name in the news for this reason. She was always brilliant so her name should have been in the news for something like building new rocket parts or rovers for nasa like she'd always dreamed of, googling her name shouldn't lead to articles about her death or them arresting the guy who hit her or him trying to get out on bail and maybe flee the country. Right now I'm just trying to support her family in their strive for justice, while also dealing with my emotions, and it's all just feels so bizarre. No one tells you how bizarre grief can feel. She deserved so much better than this.
But thank you so much to everyone for your condolences and prayers, I truly appreciate it!
#Grief is weird#One guys recklessness lead to all of this#I want to be able to forgive him but it doesn't feel like my thing to forgive and I'm just so angry for everything he took from her#It feels weird wishing her to rest in peace when she didn't want rest or peacefullness she had so many plans and so much she wanted to do#But I do hope she feels happy with the life she lived and I hope she's united with God and whole despite having been taken to Him far too s#She lived her life to the fulllest and never hesitated and while she deserved the time to realize all her dreams I hope she is happy#With what she got to do with her time on earth#I hope that with God her endless curiosity can find answers and creativity can find a place as part of the power of creation#She always dreamed of the stars#I hope you can see them now and I hope they're everything you dreamed of ❤️#lisa <3
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god goromi really fucked my gender didn't she
#anyway i painted the world's shittiest stubble on myself today and wore the fanciest most hostess-esque dresses i have and GRGXZGRGRHZZGZXX#if i wasnt living in one of the US' finest transphobic hell states i would go out and i would get so many bitches like that i look SO GOOD#and it's so gender. god. t4t relationship WHEN!!!!! SOON I HOPE#someone come dote on this gnc emo boy please she's withering away without his proper care like a sickly tomodachi gf#when i get to college i could do little dorm dates n shit. maybe host drag practice nights or smth <33#that's the dream baby#god. goromi wasnt my genderfluid awakening character but she came right after i figured it out and i latched on SO HARD#shes literally THE pillar of my gender representation. load bearing one-off gag 80% of the fandom KNOWS is More Than A Gag (me included)#god she's so genderrrrr. i need to be her STAT#when i say thats the dream the dream is actually getting to present like that openly and unafraid regularly but uh (: not. not now#but someday. and i am confident in that#if not me then someone like me#but i still hope i can wrangle up some college queers to be funny and gay with yknow. tis only a few months away!!#i gotta take it off before i go downstairs again bc frankly im not ready for my family to realize Oh It's For Real. Like You'll Act On It#she's a fragile baby bird atm and frankly i dont want them to know yet#(they know im gfluid just. i dont talk about it with my mom and she still uses she/her only. i dont think ive had the pronoun talk with her#yet though so thats not even her fault really. but i didnt wanna come out to her when i did!!! so im taking my sweet time with this)#so im stalling a bit even though i REALLY need to do work and it's gotta be downstairs </3#anyway if people could just univerally decide to use he/she for majima interchangeably all the time so i could do that unchallenged thatd#be so cool thanks#like i know theres merit in other interpretations and i love them but what about ME#anyway. mwah i love gender sure hope nothing bad happens to it#i need to be someone's girlfriend boyfriend so badly you dont understand. ggrgrgrgrggrgrgrggrgrdbzvxzvzvzhsdhf#sorry for yearning. I'll hold it off as long as i can
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youtube
Mimicat - Nobody Knows | 🇵🇹 Portugal | #EurovisionALBM
#eurovision#eurovision 2023#esc#mimicat#portugal#sharing this now while the qualification dream is still alive#sharing this mostly because I was very surprised to find out this is her song#I've heard it so many times. it was in the store playlist (and not one of the songs people complained about!)#I didn't look up her music when she was announced for fdc#tbh I only did it the other week#after I watched this video and I was like ''wait hold on a minute... this is her??''#the little clips rtp publishes on their channel have all had her music on the background#this woman has been releasing music for years and not getting much recognition for it#so I hope she can at least get that moving forward#qualification or no qualification#Youtube
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I’ve been slowly thinking over the last… basically since Neo came out, that I’d probably want to do at least SOME TWEWY dolls at some point. It’s still a question which version of the original cast I’d go with - either version presents interesting challenges, I have SOME limits and would not want to do both, that is eleven dolls (with Eri) - but I’d sort of convinced myself away from the Wicked Twisters sans Beat and Neku because I’d feel the need to do all of them and Rindo’s coat is so elaborate and would be so difficult even simplifying for scale I’d sooner learn to weave.
Which was a shame, I’d think, because Shoka’s design looks like it’d be FUN.
And then sometime in the last couple weeks it occurred to me, the yarn I’ll be using for Roxas’s hair could easily also be used for Fret’s. But still, no. Rindo’s coat is up there with the Wayfinders’ everything, I’m not touching it.
And then yesterday I caught myself thinking about ways to do Rindo’s coat in crochet. Which I would absolutely not be doing, realistically I could probably manage it with advanced enough knitting after I do the other *deepest of sighs* NINE DOLLS, but crochet is just… no. No. I simplified out the leopard print on Lea’s pants why the HELL would I want to try something that has it in black and white along with like six other patterns?
But I can see which way my brain is going. It will not be soon. It will not be until I’ve finished SEVERAL other projects, and therefore probably not for over a year at least. But I think I should start planning for the fact that eventually there will probably be a Creative Urge that will eventually be the whole set of playable characters across both games. *
* What? Rhyme counts. Sure, she’s a pin and also a squirrel at the time but you DO control Rhyme.
I at least haven’t thought seriously about the Wayfinders. Yet. If I’m doing Rindo’s coat then the Wayfinders for Bro (for whom they are HIS favorite trio) seems like a matter of time no matter how implausible that sounds in yarn.
*Sigh* God help me.
#crafting with regalli#long post#maybe even worse than Rindo’s amazing multipatterned dream coat: Minamimoto’s outfits are ALL near-exclusively black#he’s not the only character I’ve seriously considered with that problem - see also: Xion Doll already exists - but it is never enjoyable#it eats all detail you shouldn’t do it don’t be like me kids. just say no to black-on-black detailing in yarn. it won’t work.#… actually no. thought about the coat again. it is definitely worse than even the Neo look’s drapey hood#I probably wouldn’t do them all in one go that’d be EXHAUSTING.#it would probably be 1-2 at a time and then another project of some form before going back to them#like. I spaced out the Twilight Town gang and there will only be five total. And I plan on doing a couple others before Isa#even hoping none of the TWEWY kids give me tendonitis again that would still be TEN DOLLS#(eleven if the OG designs because I would add Eri. If she had a Neo design I’d be planning eleven by default)#that is just… so many#I am going to run out of shelf space SO HARD. must say.
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#i am not doing well girlies#disclaimers that i am fine i'm always fine i will always be fine but hooo boy i do not feel fine lol#everything is always overwhelming i am always sad everything feels itchy#every single morning for weeks ive woken up with an anxiety bellyache and no matter how tired i am still i just have to get up#everyone i look up that i used to know is like. married and having babies or working their dream jobs and i just. im happy for them. i am#but where do i belong in all of this?#i know everything feels worse lately bc we're moving house and the routine changes and empty rooms feel Bad#plus my mom has not been doing well mentally which i feed off so it's just. you know#but will i ever Not feel like im so far behind? will i ever Not be deeply unsettled by even the mildest changes?#everything is so slow and so fast at the same time and it makes my head spin and we have a new friend who has a son my age and i was hoping#idk. that he'd be somewhat similar to me? falling behind a little bit too? maybe i could make a friend irl that understood a little?#but then i casually ask about him and oh no ofc he has a partner and family of his own etc etc#right. that's what i'm supposed to be doing at this age.ha#so many ppl i went to school with are married now. im turning the age this year that my mother was when she HAD me#meanwhile ive never even kissed anyone never even held a boy's hand never had any attention like that ever and#i wonder so often what it's like to be wanted by someone but ive never felt more undesirable#i cant imagine anyone looking at me and Wanting me. and at this point as romance obsessed as i am idk if i could even handle it#and the other night i was having anxiety dreams over the fact that i rly want kids but even waiting until im 30 thats only 5 years??#and 30 is already fucking five years away from being considered a GERIATRIC pregnancy?? but im not even done being a kid myself!!!!#and also who the fuck is gonna have a kid with me?? and who knows if i can even get pregnant when i rarely have a period ??#and i cant imagine not liiving with my mom and sister but does that mean i'll live with them forever??#will i be 30 35 40 45 still feeling like a kid? or worse.. will i not feel like myself at all?#will i be married to someone i dont love madly simply bc im so terrified to be alone?#or will i hold so tightly to my stories and fantasies that i will be alone bc nothing could ever live up to them?#will it even matter what i want? will anyone ever want me to even give me the option? or will this all stay hypothetical forever#im just. stressed. and i thought i'd be more by now.
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woke up from an awful dream and i don’t even understand what it was all about
#it was two dreams combined actually#the first one this girl i knew in elementary and middle schools got murdered#like. horrifically. by her mother (who i don’t think is alive anymore actually?)#but i was just. so sad. i could not stop sobbing in the dream#it just. hurt. she bullied me pretty bad when i was little but i literally didn’t care about that in said dream#i was just heartbroken. i haven’t spoken to this girl in probably a decade#it was weird#and then another dream where a guy i was friends with in high school#was hate crimed so bad. to the death.#and i was Obviously very upset because not only has he only ever been lovely#it started this awful homophobic movement because he was assaulted by another man#and because i was upset that it happened folks seemed to think i agreed with said hate#and i ended up getting cornered in this like. bog. surrounded by dangerous and angry homophobes#and i woke up as i was trying to escape them but had fallen#it was just. really sad. and in both of them i was just thinking about how many classmates i have already lost.#people i knew and have so many memories with.#it’s only been six years since i graduated and we’ve lost multiple of our peers. it’s awful.#i know it’s just life but we are so young. it’s awful. i hope they’re resting well.#i miss them even though we weren’t close. they deserved more time.#sorry#i really needed to get that out.
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Something positive for this blog: I finished writing my prologue yay me !!
#now we move only act one#I feel my author voice isn’t the best and I DO struggle with like idk uh setting#I often just straight into yapping and forget to set where the characters are but!! but!! I feel like everything reads casually which is#nice in my opinion I wanted things to sound as though you were listening to a friend recount a story#😄👏🏽 now my pacing from here on out is what I have to watch but!!! I’m SO excited to get to the main characters new actual love interest#going to go absolutely feral over them#he was just supposed to be a graveyard keeper who smokes behind a specific grave but then!!! I thought hey hey hey what if he fell asleep#by the grave and she covers him 🥺 yeah my head liked that a little too much cause next thing you know I’m imagining her waking up in his bed#golden like peeking through his blinds 🫢 I have a section in my skeleton document that’s for scenes I like to include#tell me why I wrote 2000 in detailed scenes of just him#👏🏽 I even gave him a cool biblical name cause his father is the priest of the church where the graveyard is#and !!!! yep nights ago we watched clue and I had a FANTSTIC idea of a date for them that involves well#it’s a book about a murder mystery so it’s a murder mystery inside a murder mystery#and!!!! they leave the party early together because she solves it and realizes soemthing important about her own mystery and then#like two reckless kids they head back to his cabin and 🫢 cue her waking up in his bed#I should NOT be writing this many spoilers but I’m!!!! so lost in the sauce#okay bye 😭#oh yeah I also wanted it to feel kinda dream like and gloomy because this !!! is all based on a very vivid dream I had a few years ago#I’m hoping to one day publish a bunch of my dreams as short stories 😄 the oldest one I have is probably 2015 when I started my dream journal#okay now by e
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i dreamt of my ex like a week ago and hes been on my mind ever since. i picked up so many mannerisms from him. it feels like part of him will always live in my body. i make faces he used to make. i have a look in my eyes like how he used to look at me.
#at least i dont talk to him in my head every minute of every day anymore.#i don't even know how i feel about seeing him in myself. i guess its kind of comforting.#the dream kind of made me miss him but then it also reminded me of what it was like. so.#fascinating how the story ended between us. he left me so so many times and he always threw some shit in my face while doing it#and in the end i went back to him willingly one(1) time and also ended up leaving willingly and i didn't say shit...#what is there to say ... he was gleeful when i was in pain. Because i was in pain. and it was because of him#when i left i just said it's better if i don't say anything because i knew i would regret anything i could ever possibly say.#because i would worry he wouldn't understand#because if he'd understood then it would not have been like that in the first place. so i told him he would figure it out#since he did tell me when i went back that he was sorry and he thought the things he did to me could cause ptsd. which they did#so like maybe he will understand#anyway i don't care really i just haven't told anyone this part other than my therapist who seemed kind of like#she had to really make an effort to be kind to me about this. because i definitely made mistakes#like hoping for shit he had outright told me would not be happening#i hate when people act like they love me and then pull the rug out from under me and it keeps happening#i mean i have enough self awareness to know that it must be because i have a fucked up understanding of what it means for someone to love me#otherwise i would not be saying all this on the same post about one person like. you know?
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