#like not only can I not afford to live my life is going to be actively in danger
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⚠️: coercion, dark!price, vulnerable!reader, age gap, fem!reader,
Sick and twisted, but thinking about growing up dirt poor, living in a camper with your mom until she abandoned you at 18.
She was a workaholic, went to the city to work which was about a 2 hour drive away from the small town you reside in. Your mom claimed she couldn’t afford the price of rent in the city and raising a teen, which you understood.
But when she abandoned you, it was clear that wasn’t the case. You were just a burden to her.
But what can you do?
Life goes on.
And right now, you were facing a bigger problem. In this tiny town, you were having trouble finding a job. Your mom had blind sided you and rent was due in a few days. You only had $100 to your name.
You landlords were keen on getting you kicked from their land because they found tenants that will pay more. So you packed your life away in a carry on suit-case, and got out of there.
You sat in a McDonald’s for the free wifi while searching for resources that could help you. But nothing was provided by the town, it all was located in the city. Just when you started to feel hopeless, John Price entered the picture.
He noticed the suitcase and that combined with the glum look on your pretty face, made him get off his ass to come talk to you.
“Looks like you’ve got yourself in a shit situation here.”
Your head snaps from your phone, meeting the eyes of this middle aged man. “Yeah, I do I suppose.”
“Mind if I take a seat?”
You do mind but you were meek. So you nodded.
He takes a seat, “you new to town? Not many people come down here to visit, unless you’re lost.”
“No, I grew up here. I’m just trying to figure out my living situation.” You laugh awkwardly and all Price can think about is how you made it too fucking easy.
“Sorry to hear that, bun. If you need a place to crash, I have an old rv I want to get rid of. You could have it for $1000.”
“I don’t have that much money. It’s hard, nobody’s hiring around here.”
“I live on a farm. I could always use a hand. Work for me for a couple of days, and the rv is yours.”
“Really?”
He nods.
You go back to his farm too easily, Price could only wonder if your parents ever taught you about stranger danger.
He pulls into the long driveway and you see the older rv parked in the grass. He lets you check it out and the inside was well kept. There was nothing wrong with it mechanically either so, you could take this rv to the city where you’d have a greater chance of becoming something.
You were so excited and grateful for this opportunity, it almost made Price feel bad about doing this. You were so naive to his true intentions. His intentions on keeping you on this farm, fucking a few kids into you, putting a band around your ring finger, maybe letting his buddy get a taste of you too.
He’d do shit in the most twisted ways too. Like cutting some crucial wires in your rv so now it won’t start. When he “takes a look,” he says the wildlife around must’ve chewed through it. You ask how much it would cost to repair and he gives a number you can’t even fathom.
But he knows someone who could do it. And he’ll pay for it, as long as he gets something in return. When you ask what he wants, his hand cups your chin.
“I want you to put this pretty little mouth to work.”
And you do.
He keeps fucking shit up in your rv while you’re busy combing the horses hair or feeding the chickens. When you come back, your generator isn’t working and it’s freezing.
“How much will it cost to fix the generator?” You ask softly, looking over his shoulders while he “attempted” to fix it.
He stands, “we can talk about it inside.” The “talk” ends up with you warming his bed, his hands on your waist guiding you to ride him faster.
Things kept breaking in your rv and you kept getting quieter because of it. John could see the hope that once lit up your eyes was withering away. So he decided to call his mechanic just to get a little spark from you.
Too bad for you, when mechanic!Simon lays his eyes on you, he gives Price a knowing look.
You weren’t going any fucking where.
Another unedited blurb. If you want more, let me know :)))
#john price#price smut#cod price#cod mw2#cod modern warfare#cod mwii#cod x reader#John price smut#tw: dark content#tw: dark fic#captain john price#price x reader#yandere John price#yandere price#simon ghost smut#simon ghost riley smut#ghost smut
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i have also been thinking about your hunger games au for an ungodly amount of time.
i like to think that when dick is given an inch, he goes a mile. so imagine before the wedding and before the tour when they are staying in victors village. darling gets so overwhelmed with everything that she just needs a moment of silence and a break from the business that has become her life. she wants to sneak under the fence and into nature for just a second but dick's been shadowing her since she got out of the games. so she brings him along. what could go wrong. except dick takes this as a sign that she trusts him and that she wants his company. all of a sudden his feeling are reciprocated and he needs the push the wedding up so he can have her sooner.
Yandere!Batfam Hunger Games AU
Oh my god when he is in the district, he practically never leaves the Victor’s Village for two reasons. His darling is far too traumatized after the games and has difficulty even getting up in the morning, so he stays by her side, helping her parents take care of her while he also communicates to the wedding planners in the Capitol. The other reason is, even if he wanted to he could not go out into the district without at least half a dozen people wanting him dead because they are not oblivious to what he did to his darling so he would have to be accompanied by a peacekeeper or two.
But there is one day when his darling does get out of bed and pushes herself up to go out and like the obsessed and lovestruck man he is, Dick follows after her, even when she breaks the rules and sneaks out of the bounds just like Katniss did, Dick goes with her knowing that if he is with her and she gets caught then he can get her out of trouble. She lets him come with her when she spots him following, purely because she is too tired mentally to care, besides she doesn’t think a Capitol boy can climb a tree he can. So now she is stuck sitting on a tree branch with her fiancé and all she wants to do is eat the lunch she packed but her mom told her when she was growing up that eating in front of other people is rude but she knows that his pallet would not be able to stomach food from the districts.
Eventually hunger does get the better of her and she eats it anyway, only after Dick pressured her into eating because her stomach was growling and she skipped breakfast. To her, skipping meals is normal because there is not enough to go around, but for him it is horrible to think that she is even slightly hungry, especially if she is from District Nine because to an outsider District Nine seems to be the best of the districts to live. Being the supplier of grain for Panem they should have enough food to feed their people. Though to the families that live there think differently. Little food, long hours and not a full belly in years. That is the real District Nine.
She feels horrible when she knows her friends and neighbors back home saw Dick hand feeding her sweets that none of them would ever be able to afford on television before her Hunger Games, a spectacle of the golden boy’s sweetheart. Luckily she will not need to worry about that for long, since because she let him follow her like a lost dog into the woods, the wedding was originally going to be on the eve of the next Hunger Games, the day of the anniversary where he kissed her during the tribute’s interviews on like television. The wedding date is now the last day of her Victory Tour, a whole six months earlier than planned. They are soulmates and besides he needs to get her out of the district she grew up in, have you seen it? It is no place for someone like her.
#yandere dc headcanon#yandere dc x reader#yandere dc#yandere batfam#yandere batfam x reader#yandere batfamily x reader#yandere batfamily#yandere dick grayson#yandere dick grayson x reader#yandere jason todd#yandere jason todd x reader#yandere tim drake x reader#yandere tim drake#yandere damian wayne x reader#yandere damian wayne#yandere bruce wayne x reader#yandere bruce wayne
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i need to get the hell out of this country but idek where to go or how to even go about it
i can't apply for a passport because trans people have been having their passport applications denied and having existing passports confiscated when trying to renew them
just moving to a "safer" area won't help me at this point either
not that I could even afford to do that anyways
because despite working 7hr days 7 days a fucking week i am rationing food and having to choose between having running water or electric and gas
im having to choose between having health insurance or having a roof over my head
cause i cant afford to pay for both
im about to just start selling myself on the side because no one wants to hire a tranny and going back to working in a public school would put an insanely large target on my back(again)
and even if i did manage to get hired to a second job i physically wouldn't be able to make it work
i would not have any time left in my day to even think about sleep
im just so so so fucking tired
i just want to experience peace for fucking once
but no
it'll only get worse from here
#i am genuinely fucking horrified#like i have zero hope left that things will get better#i will literally do fucking anything at this point#like not only can I not afford to live my life is going to be actively in danger#not that it isnt already but i am fortunate enough to be stealth 95% of the time so i havent been actively threatened#outside of the internet at least :/#i genuinely am at a fucking loss#i honestly couldn't even get a second job at this point#because my job is being a full time caretaker and i need to be here 24/7 (even though i only get paid for 7 of those hours)#if i got a second job i literally would not have time to sleep or eat or go to the bathroom#its physically fucking impossible#finding entry level remote work that doesn't require 3 degrees and 5+ years of experience is also fucking impossible#i want to eat a bullet#vent#vent post#tw vent#us politics#us health system#current events#our country is an international embarrassment#our country is a fucking joke and has been for a very long time
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if u make a one piece college au and u don’t make all of the strawhats students then u r a fucking coward
#like i can maybe give u robin bc she is the smartest and canonically has a degree#so making her a professor does actually make sense#but for franky brook and jinbe?#that’s just a cop out bc u think they’re ’too old for college’ or smth#esp if it’s a community college bc i know u get so many diff types of ppl there#hell i go to a fancy expensive school and i still see diff ppl#not as many but still my brain fuckin exploded#when as a freshman i assumed everyone was my age in my major#only to immediately meet a 28 yr old who had been in the military before this#or the guy around my dads age (40s-50s) in my astronomy class#and lbr i don’t think any of the strawhats are affording fancy colleges#but give me robin who has like 20+ degrees already and no one is sure what she actually does for a living#but just keeps taking more and more classes bc she likes learning#give me franky who had a rough childhood in and out of juvie after an accident with his foster father#he fell in with a rough crowd but is now trying to get his life back together#taking classes whenever he can find time in between working as a mechanic#give me brook as a retired musician who never got to go to college when he was young#bc he was busking to afford his bills and once he got discovered and became famous he didn’t have the time#but he’s retired now so he’s taking some classes at the local college bc he has the time and money now#even tho he’s like 80#give me jinbe who went into the military right after high school#but became disillusioned with the military after the death of his commander and decided to leave#and now he’s trying to get a degree and readjust to civilian life#college is so much more of a flexible setting than high school so have fun with it!!!#posts from the ocean#one piece#college au#tag rant#one piece au
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#oh hey i just caught myself harboring Unnecessary Nightmare Scenarios#that last post made me think about how the only thing stopping me from getting another dog is money#like i could afford having a friend for savu. it would be no problem#BUT in a situation where i lost my partner and had to provide for the dogs by myself and they'd both get sick i'd be in deep trouble#which has sounded like a completely rational thing to be aware of. a completely valid reason for not getting another dog#except that is quite a few things that need to go wrong before the deep trouble would actually hit#and is that really the way i want to live my life? waiting for this relationship to end? accepting that eventually i will be left alone?#that my current life is nothing but a brief respite from a continuous struggle with both finances and illness? a glitch that will soon pass#it actually doesn't sound valid at all when i write it out like this#i have a partner who brings another stable paycheck into this household. i have no reason to believe this would change anytime soon#i have a wonderful dog that would probably benefit from having a friend#shelties are not super prone to any major lifelong diseases or such so it's unlikely the new dog would need constant expensive treatments#i think this thought pattern got a hold of me when savu got sick last spring#it was scary and unpleasant and i still feel raw around the edges after experiencing all of it#(the dog is fine by the way! definitely better these days and i'm super happy we got the surgery. we have many good years ahead of us still#but like. i'd like if my brain accepted 'this summer was scary and i'm not sure if i'm ready to possibly experience it with another dog'#instead of feeding me lies about a future where i'm all alone and desperately poor#but hey i've never caught this one before! now i know this thought pattern exists and can do something about it#sussitalk
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I hate rich people and no I’m not just talking about billionaires
#‘the ruling class has won if we’re all being pitted against each other!!’#sure but i have to actually deal with moderately rich people in real life and they are absolutely evil people#im not mad at people for living comfortably and having nice things and experiences. everyone should have that#im mad at people for claiming they are the poorest people in the world while they live in giant houses and don’t have jobs#and go on international vacations every month and add additions onto their house just for funsies#I hate people who have a million times more than I could ever dream of and yet act like it’s my fault for not having more#if me never being able to dream of living comfortably is my fault for having tattoos#then I’m allowed to hate you for not having to experience any problems or scarcity and having luxuries handed to you#rant inspired by my father bc he described the very detail renovation he’s getting next#and his big vacation next week. and in the same breath called my mom lazy for having been denied for Medicaid#that is evil. he is evil. yes he counts as rich and yes I’m allowed to hate people like him even if he isn’t personally ruining the world#yes these people have completely different lives than me. I do not have to pretend they aren’t incredibly privileged#sorry I don’t feel bad that people like that can only afford to go to Italy and the Bahamas and not Also Alaska this month#they don’t have to have compassion for peoples actual struggles so actually no I don’t have to put myself in their shoes#I fucking wish I could relate to a fraction of the ‘problems’ these people have#we are not the same. and I would never want to be like these people but yes I am jealous of the peace and leisure rich people have#mine#txt#vent post
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oh Stansborough farm & weaving mill… if you are ever, ever hiring, please pls pls pls consider me xoxo
#major lotr feels rn#they’re the specific artists who created the LOTR fellowship cloaks and a whole host of other cool stuff but specifically the cloaks btw#that particular weave and wool and shade only comes from that one farm and yall idc that nz is literally one of the farthest places from me#dream job fr. as long as I’m making enough $ to live like. pls pls hire me I literally would LOVE to go work for them#learn all abt the sheepsies and every step of the process and get?? to make?? the cloaks?? and work with that specific material?? a d r e a#m#hire me I have 20+ yr handicrafts sewing and artsy experience and I am one of ur biggest fans#thinkin abt lotr (01-03) constructions & art on this lotr new year day and once again just like. stansborough hi ily#plus living in nz and working on LOTR related handicrafts as your JOB would be just. so fkcn cool#personal#anyways. I absolutely in no way shape or form can afford to buy the cloaks (but if I ever get to do my bucket list dream nz trip I wanna sav#e up enough extra in the trip budget to lol) but have been thinking of them while admiring LOTR masterful art in every way again and just.#yeah#imagine working w them. like my teen dream job of working on bigatures w wera#*weta which BTW WETA HI IM STILL SO DOWN FOR THAT TOO OKAY CALL ME#I CAN HAVE TWO JOBS IF THOSE ARE MY JOBS LOL#anyways. disappearing into the dream au life fantasy where I’d get to work w them and do that gorgeous wool weave it’s so prettttttyyyyyyyyy#tangential tag for all the costuming dreams of#*cries in textile costs*#but hey if you work at the textile place I imagine you could save up and/or get discount yknow#anyways. this is one reason someday if I ever have a house I want a yard big enough for sheepie and/or alpaca because hnggggg textiiilleeeee#anyways. don’t mind my rambling lmao. just daydreamin at work. happy lotr new year mellons ♡
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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Everytime my chronic pain flares up im reminded of why i was severely suicidal for 3 years straight.
#living with chronic pain is a nightmare#and for a while ive been doing better#only having flare ups once in a while#but years ago i was in severe pain every day#the only thing that helped was gabapentin and a rollator and copious amounts of weed#and i dont want to live like that again#im fucking scared#i dont want to go back to being bedridden#i cant#i barely can do much but its more than i was able to#if i get to the point where i cant make it out of bed again for weeks at a time#i might have to check myself in#because i dont trust myself to be able to handle that#and im starting school soon#i cant afford to lose more of my quality of life#just because my body decided to be a bitch#and not have good joints#or nerves#or whatever the fuck is actually wrong with me#personal
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sometimes I forget I grew up poor
and then some guy who was able to go through out of state college and work a job tells me, for him, traveling outside the country to somewhere like Ireland is not a pipe dream.
like jesus christ (he said he was in dublin for vacation, I said love that for you living that pipedream life, and he told me it would only be a pipedream if i was also there. Which I think he meant as a flirtation but came off kind of dickish.)
#like gee wilkers#must be fucking nice to have money and the suburban dream#I can't go to college because I'm so fucking burnt out from survival mode that I can only do work not both#and I would have never been able to afford in state tuition let alone out of state#and I became homeless in 2021 and now live with my grandparents and couldn't even move out when I had a full time job#that I also had to quit because it was destroying my mental health so bad I was having meltdowns every day#forever bitter tbh that I had to be abused and have parents that didn't give a fuck about me tbh#and also parents that filed for bankruptcy twice in my at the time 21 years of life#eve yells#i haven't had therapy in 2 months as well and I don't have a primary care doctor meanwhile I need one because I'm on medications for my#mental illnesses
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₊˚ 🍮 ⋅ ☆.𖥔 ݁ ˖
#so anxious all the time. there s just too much going on rn and everything is changing and i dont like any of it.#i've had the exact same life for years and years and years and i dont like change.. even if itmight be needed i dont like it#my sister moved and as my mom is there with out dog all the time.. i realized how hard it is to be so far away#and i'm mostly in waiting lists for student housing in cities further away. but thats bc it's so hard to get appartments in cities close by#so now im realizing how hard it's gonna be to be so far away from my dog :c and he is 9 & this breed's estimated lifespan is 13yrs.... :(((#plus being far away from the only support system i have. even if we are dysfunctional it's like#if smth happens to my cat then my family could help me but if im several hours away im on my own :/#and not only that. i have to first get accepted to a program. then find an appartment...#but before that i need to pass my two classes.... and then do a test for a third class and somehow pass that#just to get grades in all courses i need to be able to get my highschool diploma#buuuuut also. i need to apply for university in march. and i wont get my grades until may. so.. i need to get documents showing#im taking the classes needed that will make me be eligible for the program when it starts#i get overwhelmed by just running several errands in one day my brain is shutting downnnn#i dont wanna be an adult and independent. i dont want to.#ppl can talk all they want abt how you're 'supposed' to live. but i just dont agree. i dont think everyone are buikt to live the same way#i dont want to be in charge or have responsibilities. i could have a job yes but i dont wanna live alone or whatever whatever id#im just so anxious and stressed qnd i cant relax at all. i dont like being alone and have to figure out all of these things alone#it's so stressful and too much for me to handle and think abt and i just wish#.. im so envious of other ppl lol#like all my old friends are in relationships.... they dont have to be stressed abt where to move and what to do on their own#idk. i just dont know!!!!!!!!! i want to love w my family forever bc like in the future we could afford a house together.#but they dont wanna do that 😭😭😭😭😭 i get it but im just stressed#hmm.. i dont know. im not good under time pressure either.. like.. there is such a short span of time now where everything will change#i dont like it :///////
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genuinely so angry and scared im shaking. how many other times this week this month this year have i been exposed without knowing it. do people even tell each other anymore. it’s just so grim. it’s so fucking grim
#purrs#delete later#covid19#i am fighting for my fucking life every day to stay safe and to keep the people around me some of whom are disabled / chronically ill /#immunocompromised / medically vulnerable safe. i am fucking fighting for my life. it’s already hard that i am usually one of two people in#any given room still wearing a mask let alone an n95 mask. hard and bad enough that we get looks for wearing masks and people think im crazy#for my life still being on hold and for my family still basically never going anywhere. ITS FUCKING WORSE that we are still very much in the#throes of all of it and we are in constant physical and quite frankly EXISTENTIAL danger not only of getting sick / becoming (more)#disabled / literally fucking dying but also returning to the absolute hell of lockdown which while important was psychologically damaging in#ways that are difficult to even articulate. like not only have we as a society decided to not give a shit about unpacking all of that and#healing from the trauma and assuming everyone went through the same thing when we very much did not and to just send everybody back to#school and work because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 but we have ALSO decided to pretend like the freakish unceasing danger just doesn’t exist#anymore and to get rid of every tool we had available to keep us safe or at minimum make people have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to#access them because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 !!!!!!! im TIRED. im so fucking tired of it. i am so fucking exhausted and angry and scared. and i#HAVE the luxury and privilege of being able to afford n95 masks and covid tests and to be able to work a job that i can do remotely if i#need to and to not be disabled or immunocompromised. what makes me fucking furious is we decided to throw all the people who don’t have#that access or privilege under the fucking bus and forget about them lol. but what do you expect from a country rotten to its core the way#it is lol. im fucking despondent. why are we living in an incinerator.#* the lockdown(s) werent just important they were necessary. and arguably we should have another one even though if we do i genuinely fear#for my mental health both during and afterwards and quite frankly before. im tired. i am grateful for the life i live which has resulted in#part from the different things that have happened because of the pandemic but i also so desperately wish this never happened and every day I#think about what life would be like if it hadn’t happened. the grief of it all is unspeakably big.
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🥴🥴🥴
#i love living in a miserable awful world#you will see every awful thing going on#you will read about how things are only getting worse#you will be subjected to misery even when you are offline just because that's the world thats been created for us#why go to college? so i can be in constant debt and get rejected from every job?#why get a job? so i can be dehumanized on the daily and forced to work for the rest of my life?#its not like it matters. i will never be able to afford a house nor function like a normal human being#there will be no joy or hope. and what kind of life is that#if it is one at all?#there is no community for me in the real world i can already barely even talk to people on the Internet#i only have online friends#my only skills and talents are those that would be hell to monetize and suck all the fun out#i mean. i cant ever have a family either.#i despise school#all that keeps me going is cowardice and the price tag thats now attached to my life#on the bright side at least i could do it once i earn about 7k#on the other hand i dont want to#i want to keep going#i dont know why anymore#im lazy man i dont have any motivations or passions all i ever want to fucking do is draw and play video games#i dont want a job dont want to go to college cant make friends and cant have a family or happy life so#really whats left for me?
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trying not to think about it but also i need to figure out what im gonna do with my hermit crabs and it's not like. urgent but at some point im gonna have to figure out how to change out their substrate and also there's a solid chance i'll have to rehome them someday :(
#(not rehoming them anytime soon but i wanna mentally prepare myself a little for when that day comes)#anyway re: substrate change. this is a 45gal tank filled with ~50lbs of sand etc. and i live in a 4th floor walkup#playsand comes in 25lb bags which i am not physically capable of carrying up 3 flights of stairs. my ex had to do it when we moved here#maybe i can like. hire someone to carry it up the stairs???#but then i have to figure out how to dispose of their current substrate which again. LOTS of sand.#i could probably board them at work for a week or so in a smaller tank while i do the changeout#idk man it's just like. a lot#i feel bad their tank is so fucked and it's like. i can't physically fix the problem!!!#and as far as rehoming like. idk if move out someday i really doubt im gonna wanna move the tank.#i guess it depends on what kinda living situation im going to#and eventually i'll have to move out. or my roommate will move out and i won't be able to afford the mortgage on my own#and still have to move out lol#anyway again none of this is happening soon i just need to accept the reality of the situation#and like am i really gonna go through the nightmare logistics of a substrate change only to rehome them soon after?#but on the same token. am i really gonna give someone a nasty-ass tank? lmao#so. idk. i gotta think on that one.#i just feel bad for them i mean they have a fairly good quality of life#especially considering what most hermit crabs suffer lmao#but. i wish i could do better for them#i could probably find someone to take them at least because of my job lol#the logistics will suck no matter what and also i love those little guys and i'm getting sad just thinking about it :(#but they're only gonna get bigger and i definitely can't upgrade their tank in my current living situation#so either way something has to give ya know?
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#uggghhhhhhhhhhhh#this is the first time i think in my whole life that ive lived alone#had a job that didnt make me wear out my social battery#or compromise my physical health#and have been financially stable enough to afford necessities without worrying#which is all amazing#and means that ive actually had the opportunity to decide hey#im fucking dying#everything has been insane and shitty and traumatic for months#so im going to just. do nothing. until i can stand to even think about interacting with people or doing basic household tasks without#curling into a ball#and it took a lot longer than i thought it would#its been i think....5 weeks?#of leaving the house only when i have to for groceries and only doing the absolute bare minimum to keep my living area functional#going back to coping with headphones on when i go outside like i used to and kind of forget why i stopped doing it#and in general just. spending my time rewatching my old favourite series and shows and manga and books#i can count on one hand the number of times ive socialized with a friend outside my house#and holy fuck i needed this#i needed this years ago i think#it took 5 weeks before i could even think about willingly being out in public with strangers and not doing everything i can to avoid it#my house is a mess and i havent unpacked and my yard is overgrown#but im finally starting to look at tasks around the house without a crippling sense of dread anymore#and can sometimes just. do em. without having to suppress massive anxiety and exhaustion and stress and burnout to get through it#i was kinda relying on blind faith that i was doing the right thing in giving myself permission to just not keep up on my life#and that it wouldnt just spiral into depression lol#and its actually paying off#thank fuck#its probably 'recovering from years of burnout' in technical terms but yknow what#i can now make myself food without waiting till im literally having hunger pangs or until i nearly lose my balance walking the dog#and cleaned up a bit! and hung up some of my wall shelves!
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