#and that it wouldnt just spiral into depression lol

[chikkou]

ok i was waiting until my laptop got here to finally tell all the bullshit thats happened in the last like. 5 months lol. cause its a lot to type

im gonna put it all under the cut so no one has to read if they dont want. its a LONG fucking story.

tl;dr:

ok so for basic background, for the last two years or so, i was living with a roommate in connecticut. the roommate was my (now former) best friend since middle school. in july of this year his behavior totally shifted, and he started picking fights with me out of nowhere, told our high school friends a bunch of straight up lies abt me to make me look like a horrible roommate & person, and just generally became a two-faced dickhead. in the end, it turned out to all be excuses to justify his decision to move out (unofficially, name was still on the lease) so that he could live with his boyfriends and not pay any bills. at the time i was really devastated by this bc i felt totally betrayed by this person i had been close to since i was 12/13, but frankly after everything else that happened i barely fucking think about it now LMAO. this is set dressing more than anything else

so anyway, i had been living alone since about august, that was the last time i saw him in person. i wasnt handling the situation well because i had spoken to my high school friend and found out the extent to which hed tried to paint me as a slovenly, horrible roommate, to the point of telling actual lies about really dumb stuff (which didnt work btw - my friends, god bless them, were more concerned about my mental health than anything and thought i was going down a depression spiral, which my former friend told them he was helping me through. they believed me right away once we finally did talk). all that is to say, i was going kind of crazy lol, and i decided to go back home in october just for a short while, to recharge my batteries and all.

i was gone for a couple of weeks, not very long. i felt MUCH better after being with my family & friends in person, as i felt pretty isolated from everyone (my hometown is in new york, i was only 2 hours away by train but scheduling times to visit was sort of a hassle, so i only did it once every couple months). my grandfather and mom dropped me off at my apartment in early november, we were very lighthearted and discussing my next steps, since my shithead friend had been behind on rent more than 5 times (i always paid my half on time) and i was facing eviction because of it. we get to my apartment, i go to open the door, and it wont open. not that its locked, it just straight up WONT open. my grandpa tried to ram the door with his shoulder, and nothing. hes a strong ass dude, and this door wouldnt budge for anything.

my mom managed to get the kitchen window open and climb in that way, and it took both her and my grandpa pulling/pushing at the same time to force the door open. i wont even dress this up: there was mold. fucking. everywhere. on the floor, on the walls, all over everything i owned. i have pictures (had to take them for insurance) and im not even going to show them because they are beyond fucking disgusting. everything i owned was soaked in water and mold, and i do literally mean EVERYTHING. it was very warm in there too, like the temperature of a swamp. i was in a haze after that. i just remember sobbing, like genuinely heartbroken sobbing, as i wandered around looking at everything that was ruined. my mom & grandpa had to go and get maintenance because i was just utterly useless, and they were equally horrified & said they'd never seen anything like it.

i managed to save some items that were irreplaceable (journals, notebooks, etc) and whatever clothes werent utterly soaked in mold. all of my cookware, my books, my laptop & desktop (i cried the hardest when i saw the desktop) - it was all ruined. we found out later that the water boiler in my apartment had a catastrophic failure while i was gone, which caused it to constantly send water back through the pipes, empty, and refill itself. my bedroom was directly above the boiler downstairs, so it got the most significant amount of damage. all told, i lost like 95% of the things i owned. it is possible that i could have saved more, but the amount of mold in that apartment made it a genuine safety hazard for me to even be in there, so i had very limited time to grab what i could. the cruelest irony of all that? my shithead ex-friend's room, which was on the other side of the hallway, was pretty much untouched. he lost absolutely nothing lol.

so immediately, i had to leave the state. i moved back to ny with my family. my mother - who had a stroke last year following a diagnosis of an exceedingly rare neurological disorder, AND had two separate brain surgeries to improve her quality of life - was in the process of getting evicted. the landlord didnt give a fuck about any of my moms situation, not her being disabled, not her being widowed, not her having 3 kids under the age of 18 to care for - he just wanted her out so he could increase the cost of rent on our house. at the same time as all this was going on, i got saddled with a $600 electric bill (likely caused by the water heater's malfunction), which neither insurance nor the apartment would pay, so it came out of my pocket. in addition, i found out in december that i was also getting laid off.

we had nowhere to go and couldnt afford to live anywhere in the tri-state area. we had no choice but to move somewhere much cheaper, and since my mom already had a friend living in a mid-atlantic state, we chose to move there. the eviction went through in january and we had less than 2 weeks to pack all our shit, find a place to live, and get the fuck out. needless to say, we were not successful lol.

we stayed in my grandparents 1 bedroom apartment for about a week, then all of us drove down together to stay with my moms friend in her 3 bedroom apartment (she has 5 kids, 3 of whom live in the apartment). my moms apartment, which was supposed to have been ready by january 31st, still had people actively living there. the property manager kept promising us it would be next week for the entire month of february, to the point that my mom got fed up and chose to rent a small house instead. the reality of being essentially homeless for that time was beyond horrifying, and having anywhere between 8-10 people in that house (my cousin also moved with us, but he stayed in a hotel for the first week) was more taxing than i can express.

but things have gotten a lot better since then. i also found a cute little house to rent just up the road from my moms, and its very cheap for its size. i still havent found a job yet, but thanks to what was essentially the liquidation of everything i owned, ill be ok for a couple months more. im slowly but surely repurchasing all the things i lost and trying to acclimate to the new environment. things are still not totally stable right now, but they are slowing down, and at this point thats all i can really ask for lol.

so yeah. if u were wondering why i suddenly stopped posting after literal years of posting every day, thats why LMAO

[shitposting-account]

a long post about how xander would behave as fan because idk im obsessed with xander

i dont know how to start this since this was just my messy train of thoughts so yeah. none of this would be coherent at all because its not an essay

i think the reason of why xander would be a healthy fan is because of the person he is, while he had shown up with some tendencies of putting david in a pedestal, hes still trying to learn about his and everyones boundaries, its just that hes human that he cant control himself, after all, he describes himself as someone "who feels very strongly abour everything" yet he still tries.

to start of why xander behaves like a massive fanboy of david, i think its obvious because it begins with how david was there for his worst moments, when his family died, of course he would set such a big pedestal for a man who basically saved his life from going into a spiral of depression, anyone in his place would behave the same when meeting his "hero". and about how he defended david when teruko tried to said something "bad" about him, remember that everyone had in mind the good and nice image of david

in contrast to david, who only knew xander for 3 days, who saw his crimes, he is in a big denial about it. while we dont know how xander would react to what david has become, in my theory or headcanon, i think he would be pretty disappointed and heartbroken, because he stands for whats right, what david did, lying about murdering arei AND then trying to commit mass suicide, its a low point even for xander. BUT this js just a headcanon for now

i also think how xander is a polite person because how hes always referring the girls with a "miss", even arei who he doesnt quite like her, while the male cast he refers them with "mister". often whatnot he calls teruko by her name only and its only when he was trying to get her trust or truly meaning something (to those curious, he only referred once david by his name and it was when telling him that he wont let him down because he has always liked by who he is lol)

(i have all xanders quotes written down btw)

continuing about his politeness, when he tried to fight with min, he didnt truly disliked her who she is but rather her talent (since its a big trauma for him when it comes to studying so much), he apologized to her saying that it was because of how he tends to work things up, of course it was when they called him out for trying to slander min.

what does these have anything to do with xander being a good fan? i just that with what kind of person he is, he tends to learn and apologize, and even tries to get everyone involved in something, i think he would try to make a nice and healthy circle in his david chiem fanbase, i also think he wouldnt be chronically online enough to stay in debates and discussions there anyway, he literally get politicians in jail like he shouldnt have time be on twitter he needs to plan shit to get literal government officials in jail

ok thats all byeeee

[theendofuno]

alr guys i lied theres no au im talking about canon stuff now :3 very self indulgent tho

cw for self harm and prolly suicidal intentions

alr so

its pretty much implied canonically that uno does self harm. i didn't really paid attention to this at the start but since i started playing a year or so ago this really got my attention and i was intrigued as fuck

heres what i mean:

you can say its only one of his skills, and indeed, it is lmao

but for me thats a little beyond..uno can hurt himself to drink his own blood if hes out of people or creatures, and the implications on this are rather worrying

uno hurts himself to feed himself, but damn. hes a literal newborn and has passed to a bunch of traumatic things, he loved someone and lost her on the same day, he probably doesnt even know how to talk and doesnt know how to live by himself. this whole thing going on would absolute break someone's mind, especially since we are talking about someone who is an baby trapped into an adults body.

he doesnt know a single thing about life, he only knows about death, and he only knows HE caused all these deaths. he's an absolute monster, and he probably pretty much see himself as a nasty monstrous thing.

so, the odds that he would feel like he deserves to suffer, that he deserves to be hated and be abandoned, forgotten by the world, while still begging not to disappear are enormous, which would make him go on a depressive spiral

its not about staying alive anymore, its about feeling pain, its about making "him" feel what "he" deserves, its not he doing that to himself as a person, its about he doing that as the "hideous monster" who lives inside of him.

he probably got the catch of being a corrupted highlander, which mostly probably would give him a bigger resistence, even if hes not immortal, he wouldnt die so easily, especially if well fed, so, since he does hurt himself to eat (aka drink but this sounds weird for me while formatting so..lol), he would ABSOLUTELY hurt himself to suffer

i wonder how atrocious his body would look like if he stopped eating, he wouldnt have the strenght to renegerate anymore, so he would be a walking body, all visible bones, cuts all over his body, if not missing limbs

and to be honest? he would probably starve himself to death, he does not want to hurt people (or animals or monsters), he does not want to lose more people, he just wants to not disappear and live a normal life he was denied since the second he was born, he was forced into being this ugly monster he hates so much. and this monster is what will keep him alive, is what will force himself out of the control of his own body, is what will possess him into murdering more and more, at the point its only for fun, he doesnt need to be fed anymore

anyway..i want to do a separated post about the whole monster topic since i have a drawing in mind for it and a whole text in mind already

having paternal feelings towards a character is harsh cuz i project onto him a lot and i feel like im seeing the small me instead of a 2d thing..i love my son dude, i wish him the best forever and ever, he will be happy one day.. (did i cried writing this? oh yeah a lot)

[misfithive]

I know it’s a drama series but I will die on the hill that Lisa is making them suffer too much.

Angst is good, but there needs to be balance and they deserve to be happy and be goofy teenagers in love, being also cringe at times. They can’t always be going through crisis after crisis after crisis. It’s exhausting, and the thought that we might get a repeat of s2 is making me really anxious about the season bc I watched it one time as it was too much for me to handle. It’s the last time we are seeing them, I don’t want it to be mostly only sufferance and depression.

I know wilmon will be endgame but I would be kinda disappointed if that happened as a last minute moment like in s2.

You all know i have been arguing with Anons all year saying Lisa wouldnt do this but the trailer really really depressed me and i’ve been in a doom spiral ever since. So now i really dont know.. maybe ur right and i have been naive lol Seeing them crying is really horrible for me and the brick thru the window is quite triggering. I dont understand why they have to suffer so much its really unfair i just love them and i want them to be happy and i really need to see them smiling.

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

[context: i went on a rant on this post about gray morality while high but reblogs are turned off BUT i want my rant to be rebloggable so uh. here it is verbatim copypasted]

i feel like this about izaya but i cant put it into words, i guess like because. i see him as a guy with aspd who doesnt know how to manage a disorder he doesnt know he has, or he’s learned somewhat but the alternative was less miserable?

because, see the thing about aspd is. when you’re first learning how to manage it, it’s miserable! aspd is kind of like, an addiction to dopamine. in aspd your brain produces like. 4x the amount it should. and a lot of times, aspd and adhd are both there, and with adhd the dopamine is very very low. see? these two work in tandem! you don’t WANT to recover, because being ill feels better. you’re happier, you’re entertained, you get rushes of dopamine all the time… but you’re horrible, probably. like izaya says, in order to be entertained you have to keep evolving. you have to do worse and worse things to satisfy yourself. that’s when it changes from acceptable to A Problem. because one day you’re a writer satisfied by making their friends squirm and cry from angst, and the next you’re actively triggering people for a reaction. and its hard to stop because the dopamine, there’s just so much of it.

what i’m saying is, it’s a mental disorder that feels very good to have. like the mania of bipolar- like when you’re manic, you suddenly feel invincible and so so so so good, until you crash? like that feeling. it doesn’t WANT you to recover, and you also don’t want to recover, it feels so good to have. but it also doesnt because youre lonely on account of the aforementioned Sucking. studies show that theres a correlation between “people with aspd who recovered” and “people with aspd who are married,” but did the marriage fix them or is them attracting a partner indicative of their aspd being “less severe?” and therefore more likely to recover? ah if only we had a person with aspd here we could ask them-

PSYCHE MOTHAFUCKAAAA THATS ME!!!! it’s probably the first one. lol. i started improving symptomatically once someone came into my life and actually STAYED there. he didn’t “fix me” but he did help! and i wouldnt say i’m “recovered” wrt the aspd- it still is a disorder that feels very good to have.

but what i’m saying is- izaya. if he has all this. this, “inescapable negative outcome” is. yeah. he either “recovers” and regresses back into a depressed ball of boredom, surpressing every single impulse or emotion because “what if it’s the one that makes me lose control?” and being terrified of becoming a monster like everyone says People Like Him should be…. OR he leans more into the behaviors and urges he knows suck, spiraling into a domapine-addiction that slowly makes him into a worse and worse person and remaining lonely? like. he’s already lonely!!! neither outcome actually promises real happiness, so at some point you;d be tempted to lose control, just to get SOMETHING. and i think that’s what happened to izaya. and this isnt to be like “oooooo baby nothing is his fault,” we can talk about how all this IS his fault like, mental illness and addiction do not excempt someone from consequece and douchebaggery. but it IS something to think about- like, those suicidal girls fell down a spiral of mental illness, and so did izaya. like, he sucks, but also, you can kinda see how him being neglected all his life means there was no other way this couldve gone, especially with knowing shinra. like, he sucks now, but he never really had an oppurtunity to be anything other that that. there was nothing else that would’ve happened, because of every other inevitable thing.

and how do i know that someone w aspd would eventually choose the willing mental spiral? i am ACTIVELY developing a drug problem right now, i know my chance of becoming addicted is VERY high and possibly am showing early signs like cravings and stuff. i know. but i’m still taking the drug because it’s doing exactly what drugs do to people- make them trmporarily happy and get rid of the boredom and sadness of repression. i know what’s going to happen to me but i was eventually tempted into it. you would be too if you had my life.

(disclaimer i am not 100% sure if the neuroscience is accurate here, brain scans wrt psychology are not an exact science and the study could have been wrong or biased, i don't remember and i'm sure i didn't remember when i was zonked off my ass- but there is a sort of link between aspd and adhd so it makes sense that they'd both mess with dopamine production. but yk, take it with a grain of salt)

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

i feel like this about izaya but i cant put it into words, i guess like because. i see him as a guy with aspd who doesnt know how to manage a disorder he doesnt know he has, or he's learned somewhat but the alternative was less miserable?

because, see the thing about aspd is. when you're first learning how to manage it, it's miserable! aspd is kind of like, an addiction to dopamine. in aspd your brain produces like. 4x the amount it should. and a lot of times, aspd and adhd are both there, and with adhd the dopamine is very very low. see? these two work in tandem! you don't WANT to recover, because being ill feels better. you're happier, you're entertained, you get rushes of dopamine all the time... but you're horrible, probably. like izaya says, in order to be entertained you have to keep evolving. you have to do worse and worse things to satisfy yourself. that's when it changes from acceptable to A Problem. because one day you're a writer satisfied by making their friends squirm and cry from angst, and the next you're actively triggering people for a reaction. and its hard to stop because the dopamine, there's just so much of it.

what i'm saying is, it's a mental disorder that feels very good to have. like the mania of bipolar- like when you're manic, you suddenly feel invincible and so so so so good, until you crash? like that feeling. it doesn't WANT you to recover, and you also don't want to recover, it feels so good to have. but it also doesnt because youre lonely on account of the aforementioned Sucking. studies show that theres a correlation between "people with aspd who recovered" and "people with aspd who are married," but did the marriage fix them or is them attracting a partner indicative of their aspd being "less severe?" and therefore more likely to recover? ah if only we had a person with aspd here we could ask them-

PSYCHE MOTHAFUCKAAAA THATS ME!!!! it's probably the first one. lol. i started improving symptomatically once someone came into my life and actually STAYED there. he didn't "fix me" but he did help! and i wouldnt say i'm "recovered" wrt the aspd- it still is a disorder that feels very good to have.

but what i'm saying is- izaya. if he has all this. this, "inescapable negative outcome" is. yeah. he either "recovers" and regresses back into a depressed ball of boredom, surpressing every single impulse or emotion because "what if it's the one that makes me lose control?" and being terrified of becoming a monster like everyone says People Like Him should be.... OR he leans more into the behaviors and urges he knows suck, spiraling into a domapine-addiction that slowly makes him into a worse and worse person and remaining lonely? like. he's already lonely!!! neither outcome actually promises real happiness, so at some point you;d be tempted to lose control, just to get SOMETHING. and i think that's what happened to izaya. and this isnt to be like "oooooo baby nothing is his fault," we can talk about how all this IS his fault like, mental illness and addiction do not excempt someone from consequece and douchebaggery. but it IS something to think about- like, those suicidal girls fell down a spiral of mental illness, and so did izaya. like, he sucks, but also, you can kinda see how him being neglected all his life means there was no other way this couldve gone, especially with knowing shinra. like, he sucks now, but he never really had an oppurtunity to be anything other that that. there was nothing else that would've happened, because of every other inevitable thing.

and how do i know that someone w aspd would eventually choose the willing mental spiral? i am ACTIVELY developing a drug problem right now, i know my chance of becoming addicted is VERY high and possibly am showing early signs like cravings and stuff. i know. but i'm still taking the drug because it's doing exactly what drugs do to people- make them trmporarily happy and get rid of the boredom and sadness of repression. i know what's going to happen to me but i was eventually tempted into it. you would be too if you had my life.

People think "gray morality" in fiction is about Both Sides Are Partly Right Actually but so much more often it's about choices having inescapable negative outcomes that have to be weighed against the benefits, or it's about having to choose between a series of bad options, or it's about making hard decisions about what you are willing to sacrifice to achieve the outcome you believe is good.

So often, I seem to see people angry that a story in a video game didn't present a Good Option with no collateral damage and no negative outcomes whatsoever, and if there are any downsides it's seen as the writers punishing you for the decision, because they see the primary purpose of stories to be moralizing rather than exploring the complexities of human experience. Or they argue that the collateral damage didn't really happen, or that the negative outcomes weren't really that bad actually, and thus miss the point altogether.

And I feel like it's important to remember that a narrative telling you a decision is difficult is not the same thing as the narrative telling you it is wrong.

[evandorepart2]

longgggg fucking vent post under the cut. idk if it even counts as vent i am simply relaying information about the situation and i am unsure how i should feel right now

oh my fucking GOD my brother is such an asshole like. ok so whats happened over the past couple days is that

i hit a depressive period. it is Obvious -> since im depressed i dont have energy to eat or cook much and ive been struggling with making sure to eat Before this -> we have recently got groceries and there are muffins. before this i was literally eating a slice of bread so i would at the very least not pass out or vomit so obviously when we have that im going to switch to Depending on that -> this is something i do a lot, unconciously, to eat. i have a single 'meal' and stick with it until its run out. whether or not it has lots of steps.

what happened after this is

my brother gets pissed cause i ate all the muffins and he calls me a bitch and some other stuff idr cause i deleted the messages -> i am hanging by a thread and being confronted abt an insecurity on multiple levels makes me very upset -> i attempt to deflect these feelings by joking about it so that i can convince myself that im not upset -> he responds negatively and calls me annoying + brings up the fact that hes the only one whos been cleaning downstiars and subtly implying that im lazy and never do any work. a fact he Has said to my face despite this being proven Not True many times. and none of the Mess hes been cleaning up is mine since i have not been using the kitchen / using dishes / had items isolated to a single small table -> i get more upset and decide to be honest and write a short, frank note [bc this is all over text bc he never talks to me face to face] saying that i am depressed. its difficult to eat and i wasnt even Thinking of him [as he is someone who regularly gets on everyone else for eating junk sweet food so i dont think he wnats that stuff] and i apologize for being a dick and thank him for cleaning up.

after this he does not respond which means that there is nothing else he wants to say on the matter. that was a few days ago and i do not talk / go near him. ive phsyically seen him Three times since this exchange. and they lasted a few seconds since i quickly Left The Area.

today was the first time hes messaged me since then to tell me to do the dishes. i Was going to - was debating not to but then it got into my head as a Task I Need To Finish before i could continue what i was doing - but when i went downstairs he was on the couch and this scared me so i went back upstairs and was promising to do it tomorrow.

Until i had another breakdown and completely reorganized all my projects so i wouldnt have an unproductive spiral. and then i just finished so i thought Now i will do the dishes so i can get back into doing my Other Tasks. that is if they werent done - the thing with the dishes is that he said he was going to cook. which is how it usually goes. so its not like he just told me to clean LOL

but during this time i had headphones on which are sound proof and as i was going outside i took them off and realized the tv was on which means hes downstairs. and also i could smell meat cooking, meaning he was making dinner. its at this point i was like. whoops i didnt do the dishes that sucks but also. i Have told him i was in the middle of a depressive period. i havent been eating and i havent been leaving my room at all. even my father picked up on this. its easy to assume that he understands that hey! maybe youll tell me to do something and i just dont do it. for gods sake i didnt even answer the text bc i didnt want to say id do it and then not do it.

so i went to shower instead and felt really sick standing up since obviously i havent eaten and it feels like my stomach is caving in and i can smell food cooking which just makes it significantly worse.

which is whatever. i leave. i think about whether or not my pride will let me go downstairs when he tells me hes made dinner. NOTE: my father is gone today - hes partying with his work friends as a going away thing. so it is just us.

except! he hasnt texted me at all! in fact! its been half an hour since i know he cooked and nothing has been said to me. which leaves the options. he made something else and i can just fend for myself. he made the original meal [which was burgers and takes a while to do cause he does it from scratch] and was pissed that i didnt do the dishes so he didnt make me any. or hes still cooking and has yet to text me [doubtful]

which. i dont know which is worse! and i am unsure if i am allowed to be upset by this!

because on one hand yea. i was supposed to do the dishes and i couldnt even bring myself to do that.

but on the other hand. man im fucking depressed. it took two days of convincing to get me to brush my teeth again. i am getting physically ill from lack of food and ive been having casual thoughts of suicide again. and its not like he doesnt know. like ive told him. ive left out my diagnosis papers so he could see them - which he told me hes read ! im not 'suffering in silence' or whatever. im just FUCK i dont know. i hate this stupid family.

its like everyone looks at me and goes. yea you have problems. but the second i start i dont fucking know having problems everyone gets soooo mad at me and tells me how awful and lazy and how im literally never going to ammount to anything or do anything < real words that my brother had said ! he went off very long on how pathetic i am to my father and only 'apologized' like a day later when he was high which was barely even an apology he just said sorry and then hung up.

its like every time i try to get better and then everyone around me just. fucking i dont even know man. my mom hates me. my brother hates me. my father hates everything i like and everything i stand for and completely refuses to ever listen to me actually talk. im awful person to everyone around me and all my friends and im not getting out of this hell hole. nothing is going to change when i get to iowa. im just gonna be the same shitty person in an even shittier country with people and family that i hate

[littlx-songbxrd]

Ziaaa you're back!

You missed lesbian visability week 😔

Also I still need to finish chot lol I've been in a deep depressive spiral lately and I haven't really gotten anything done.

Also I promise this is the last time lol but...fic..fic I wrote...in my masterlist

FAEEEEE

😔 its fine we can still celebrate who says we only get a week.

Oh jesus i GET that. I wouldnt say im in some kinda spiral but lives just been plain weird. I hope it gets better soon and dw about chot, in retrospec i dont think it was the strongest ending to the series.

WAIT I THINK I STARTED IT RN LET ME LOOK

[roguestarsailor]

wow i think eras tour live stream cured my depression!! i mean seriously. i went over to the bday girl party and it wasnt just a lot of ppl it was the usual group and i felt less like i didn’t belong and i actually wasnt freaking out about the guy. actually i wasnt uncomfortable at all and it was wonderful. idk what happened but i feel like i see clearer now. he IS just a regular guy and just being nice to me and i blew it up in my brain. but wow hanging out today changed it. i even know his ex’s name and a lot of things about her  and i didn’t spiral. i saw how he close he is w her but i also see how hes close w the rest of the group too.

and him. i dont want him anymore. i dont want to steal him away and keep him in a pocket. i dont want to murder all the girls he surrounds himself w and more. i really dont. i truly don’t have much in common and we don’t have good conversations nor do we know how to joke with each other. and quite frankly he’s just back to regular guyy and not like hANDSOMEST guy i’ve ever met in my entire life. wow. this feels insane. i guess i’ve shed enough tears eh? maybe that intense cry i had at 3 am on monday was enough to knock me to normal again??? even if we dated it’d be NOTHINNG. i wouldnt be happy and i can’t believe i am at this point.

the only alarming thing i learned about his ex is that she HAS a line down her back......and i feel super unoriginal. i really love the idea of a thin line tattooed down my back to go with my line around my arm but ugh i can’t believe its not original at all. (if it was ever an option) i would never date him because i know that about his ex lol.

im wondering what changed. maybe next time i feel anxious and lusting after a guy i should put on something more dressy to feel confident. or maybe after talking to my friends and getting their perspective, i feel more validated about my initial feelings. also knowing if i am uncomfortable I can leave. mayybe it’s knowing that i can make friends and *i* can decide who i let into my life rather than someone else letting me in their lives. idk what changed but i feel so much more level headed now.

and i feel more hopeful. maybe i will get my first kiss soon. maybe i’ll meet someone who will light up my world (and not make me a rolling ball of jealousy and insecurity like this poor guy i projected intensely onto) and just--fantastic to talk to and be as witty as Nora and Charlie in Book Lovers. idk, i think i can find him. i have a lot in common w a lot of ppl here already so theres bound to be someone eventually (right??? [panicked]). i think i’ll spend some time with myself and also be firm about my life choices and what feels right to *me*.

[theartist-june]

Okay, so... listen.

This idea has been stuck inside my head for so long and it took me time to actually piece things together. I actually wanna write this but I doubt myself that I can commit so I will just do art for the idea instead.

You see, I have been into FNAF SB Sun and Moon x Reader lately. I just like the concept and all and made me take a deep dive into FNAF SB in general, all secretly of course lol.

And I just--*I just want something psychological*. Of course, there are some of those good stuff yeah! The good stuff! But I just wanted something more I guess? And since I can’t get enough of it, I decided to make one lol.

Soooooooo...!!!

I’m just going to put these ideas down here so I wouldnt forget later when I make a separate blog for this... or just something in general. I really wanna make a proper art for this though.

Anyway! A little idea ramble below lol.

...

18 years ago, they took away the most important people that you ever had in your life. Blazing fire, leaving nothing but ruins that was never rebuilt again. You were still young, but you already knew you lost so much because the people you lost were the only ones you promised to love.

Growing up was a spiral of agony and depression. You could not connect to people, your reality was them. Their warmth, their care. The yearning became so much that you were losing touch of reality. Then, as if the heavens answered your prayers, you started hearing them! It was not so much at first, as if your mind was playing games with you. But then you started seeing them. Your best friends. The ones you loved the most in this whole world. Or at least, the silhouettes of who they are.

You were happy. But you were not content.

Then, you started blacking out. Gaps within your memory. All you knew is that you miss them and that you had to do something. Whenever that urge comes, it gets dark and cold. You started waking up in the ruins of the burnt pizza plex, where you always knew Sun and Moon would be. And every time you woke up, you knew you needed to do the dirty job and started digging.

This happened so many times. You want, you black out, you wake up and dig a hole before filling it back up. It was a ruthless cycle, but it made you feel closer to them. Closer to their voices... to the silhouettes that would comfort you.

And the day came, where there was only one hole left to dig. It was the big day, you knew it. This time, you did not black out. Your mind was clear for the first time in ages. You were happy, ecstatic even.

You are going to meet them soon. Sun and Moon. Your best friends, your only family.

Just one more hole to dig... one more hole to fill.

You need to find him.

He will bring them back together.

And you will be with them together forever.

...

So yeah, I want me some more dark themesssssss. I felt demanding so I might as well slave myself for it lol. So yeah, sorry guys, looks like I will be making some FNAF content here too lol. Bear with me because I am just too scattered and wants a lot. I mean, this is better than making drama with others lmao

[lemonietrinket]

nct/wayv masterlist

number of works: 48+

begun: 20/08/2019 last updated: 11/12/2020

key

request ✤ musical ♫ halloween/spooky ☾ christmas ❅ oddball ♧ idol birthday present ✧

᠃ ⚘᠂ ⚘ ˚ ⚘ ᠂ ⚘ ᠃

drabbles

Not the Reason ||| Taeil x Reader ✧ ||| fluff, mild angst ~ taeil finally admits something small, and maybe its a step towards the biggest confession of them all

Arms ||| Johnny x Reader just fluff ~ sleepy cuddling with johnny

Pro Gamer ||| Taeyong x Reader ✧ ||| fluff lol ~ playing animal crossing with your boyfriend, and hes not having a lot of luck

00:13 ||| Taeyong x Reader timestamp ||| angst mostly, fluff ~ late at night you hit a depressive spiral after feeling very ignored by your friends

Yuta x Insecure!Reader angst, reassurance fluff ~ because of your insecurities with your body, you make sure youre never as physically close to your boyfriend as much as you want to be. yuta wants to fix that ~ warnings: body insecurities (kept vague, but focusing around chest and stomach), general feelings of upset, tears, swearing (1x f**k)

Epilogue ||| Kun & Reader smutty undertones, lil fluff ~ prequel to ‘Candy Baby’, involves a soft, embarrassed and ultimately curious kun, and an accidentally nosey reader

Peace ||| Kun x Reader big fluff ~ waking up with kun is great—but you know what is also good? falling right back asleep again

Victory ||| Ten x Reader fluff, humour ~ sad ten wants cuddles and mean reader wont give him any

Merigold ||| Jaehyun x Reader angst with tiny fluff ~ when buying flowers for your date, you end up falling in love—with the wrong guy

Safe Haven ||| Mark x Reader big fluff ~ while waiting for your boyfriend to come home, you sit curled up on the sofa, stuck on the edge of sleep

Catgroove - Parov Stelar ||| Hendery x Reader ♫ ||| humour ~ pranking hendery with a classic

Pair ||| Jaemin x Reader ✤ ||| solid fluff ~ you wait for your boyfriend to come home so you can spring a surprise

reactions

How NCT would comfort you after a bad day fluff, bit of angst, some curse words ~ kind of just what it says on the tin

How NCT 127 would react to accidentally hurting you fluff, some tiny spicier elements, but they’re so mild, attempts at humour, tiny bits of angst in some? ~ scenarios in this are only very small things, and are mostly he members being clumsy/forgetting to be a bit careful in normal everyday situations—no one gets really hurt!

How NCT Dream would react to you getting the hiccups pure fluff, humour

Small Displays of Affection in Domestic Life with Dream pure fluff and bad humour 

oneshots/imagines

Stay ||| Taeil x Reader fluff ~ boredom strikes you in your tired state, leading you to think back on the night before

Dreams Come True ||| Johnny x MakeupArtist!Reader ✤ ||| fluff, small angst if you squint, some more inferred heated elements ~ johnny is kind to all the members of staff, and so you believe that he thinks no differently of you

Kestrel ||| Johnny x Reader ♧ ||| wistful angst, fluff ~ youre on the cusp on a huge change in your life, but a part of you cant let go, and youre not sure how youre supposed to

Lie to Me ||| Johnny x Reader subverted angst, fluff, smutty undertones ~ you and johnny dont agree on everything. and this time neither of you are great at backing down

Save A Nation ||| Johnny x Reader ❅ ||| humour, lil fluff ~ unistudent!johnny knows how hot he is. oh he knows. he also knows that a certain someone has had a crush on him for a very long time. and he also knows youre not confident enough to address it. but this is the catch for you, you see: because he is

Candy Baby ||| Yuta x Reader ❅ ||| lil fluff, humour, lil smutty undertones ~ you and your boyfriend are shopping at a special lingerie store. though not for the reasons that anyone may first expect…

Entranced ||| Yuta x Reader fluff, lil smutty undertones ~ waking up in yutas arms in the morning, bc who doesnt want that

Mishap ||| Yuta x Reader humour, lil fluff? ~ yuta is not known for his woodwork skills. he is also not particularly known for any common sense that would also come with it. however, good things can be made of the worst scenarios, and yuta is not completely inept—no matter what winwin tries to assert.

Cosiest Place on Earth ||| Kun x Reader big fluff, some humour ~ where Kun is relaxing in peace, and a certain someone decides its a prime time to ‘annoy’ him 

Home ||| Kun x Reader ❅ ||| big fluff ~ just cuddling with your long-time boyfriend after a busy day with the rest of wayv

Snow Drift ||| Kun x Reader ❅ ||| fluff, humour ~ going sledding with your boyfriend, what can possibly go wrong?

A Good Reason to Break the Law ||| Doyoung x Reader humour, fluff ~ doyoung does love you. and you wouldnt really call yourself a rule-breaker. yet you always find a way to worry him—which isnt particularly difficult, if you were honest

Baby Baby ||| Doyoung x Reader ♧ ||| fluff ~ a long day out leaves both you and bf!doyoung exhausted, and though its nowhere near over yet, you at least you have each other

Dinosaur ||| Doyoung x Reader fluff, humour, heated elements ~ doyoung was worried to meet your family, but he needn’t have been

Definitions ||| Doyoung x Reader ❅ ||| fluff ~ you’re studying with doyoung after returning home for christmas

Fail-Safe ||| Ten x Reader ❅ ||| big fluff ~ cuddling late at night with your slightly clumsy boyfriend

Aster ||| Jaehyun x Reader ✤ ||| fluff, mildly heated elements ~ just some calm, soft times in bed with a very shirtless jaehyun

Ladder ||| Lucas x Reader ❅ ||| humour, fluff ~ you love your bf lucas, you really do. but sometimes, his chaotic tendencies led him into all kinds of trouble. and you never, ever laugh at him. totally. not even when he puts himself in a compromising position. not even once.

Spirit ||| Xiaojun x Reader ✤ ||| fluff, little bit of sad ~ bed cuddles with your boyfriend after a hard day

Look Down ||| Mark x Reader angst, bits of fluff ~ mark invites you to a pretty bridge at sunset to finally confess to you

Ready ||| Mark x Reader ✧ ||| fluff ~ first time hand-holding with a shy, slightly awkward bean

Beautiful Like the Moon ||| Jeno x Reader ✧ ||| fluff ~ moongazing with your boyfriend to celebrate the end of his birthday

Strength ||| Jeno x Reader fluff ~ even with a cold you cant be stopped, and jeno loves you all the more for it

Sun vs Sun ||| Haechan x Reader humour, fluff ~ playful times out camping with hyuck and the others. but mainly hyuck.

Lung Crusher ||| Johnny x Reader x Haechan ✤ ||| fluff, humour ~ after a long day, you and johnny are peacefully dozing on the sofa. you expected the two of you would be left alone, but youd be wrong

Loved ||| WayV x Reader ✤ ||| big sad, big fluff, big humour ~ everyone needs to be taken care of sometimes, no matter how strong they are. and so when you come home from an awful day in the outside world, you are blessed to have several people come and pick you up again, setting you back on your feet ~ long fic ~ - NOTE: this is the old version of a new multiparter fic seen below, named Love. This version, Loved, will not be edited or updated but will be kept up for the slightly different series of events that it follows in comparison to its new version.

multi-parters

The Code ||| Doyoung x Barista!Reader slight angst, some fluff, mostly a mystery ~ doyoung has a thing for a barista at the best cafe in town, and after finding out the boss there is super strict, he counts his chances out. however, a bizarre set of events lead to an opening for someone clever enough to take it, and luckily his heart has chosen well. Part One ~ where doyoung remembers a special moment and confesses much to his own regret Part Two - coming soon ~ where doyoung begins to find strange numbers on his averley recyclable cups

King and Lionheart ||| King!Jungwoo x RoyalKnight!Reader ♧ ||| angst, fluff ~ inspired by the song of the same name, jungwoo is your king who you serve with your life, and you are his beloved knight in shining armour Part One ~ where you flee with nothing but the clothes on your backs and one another Part Two - coming soon ~ where you fight

Love ||| WayV x Reader ✤ ||| reader big sad, lots of fluff, quite a bit of yearning & foreshadowed drama Main Story ~ everyone needs to be taken care of sometimes, no matter how strong they are. and so when you come home from an awful day in the outside world, you are blessed to have several people come and pick you up again, setting you back on your feet. though, not everything is as a clear cut as you perhaps once thought ~ long fic ~ - slow updates - Ending One - Kun - coming soon . Ending Two - Ten - coming soon . Ending Three - Sicheng - coming soon . Ending Four - Lucas Extra Special fluff, soft angst ~ ft jungwoo & reader; you and xuxi have an impromptu slumber party where your feelings are finally admitted to one another with the accidentally prompting on jungwoo’s behalf . Ending Five - Xiaojun Jigsaw Puzzle fluff, bit of humour ~ after finding the hedgehog’s plastic bowl broken, you and xiaojun head to the pet store to buy a new one . Ending Six - Hendery - coming soon . Ending Seven - Yangyang - coming soon

Camping ||| NCT 127 & WayV x Reader fluff, some spicier elements sometimes ||| choose-your-own-story Start - in progress: 9,575 words collectively so far - - slow updates - ~ where you go camping with nct 127 & wayv, and end up in the most boring tent after dark during a small storm

extra

Vibe Checking NCT ~ don’t ask just read

[spikedru]

Hi! So first off, your blog is incredible (probs the best buffy blog I have come across so far?) & second, I have gathered you are a spike fan, super curious to hear your thoughts on the terrible episode in season 6 (?) where he tries to r*pe buffy. I feel like everyone tends to ignore the weirdness of season 6 but I really want to explore other folks opinions on it

lmao thank u for enjoying my bullshit <3

it got kinda long so im putting my thoughts under a read more. tw for discussion of sexual assault

to be frank i dont think ive actually sat down and watched seeing red since the first time i watched the show back when i was like. 14. a lot of shit goes down in that ep that is not fun to watch, nor was it supposed to be. in my personal opinion, i dont like most of season 6. it starts out fine, bargaining and after life are interesting, engaging episodes. the seeds of everyones explosive interpersonal dramas are about to fully bloom, and theres a lot of narrative tension in that regard. but as the characters unhealthy coping mechanisms start to catch up with them and bad decisions after bad decisions are being made, i no longer enjoyed watching characters i love begin to succumb to their downward spirals. the push/pull of negative character development works for some people, but it just wasnt enjoyable to me. i started this blog in march right around the time i was doing my first s6 rewatch in years and i eventually gave up right before riley shows back up because it wasnt fun for me to watch anymore (also because i think as you were is a dumb episode lol) :/ lmao i guess as a depressed 20 something i dont want to also watch a bunch of depressed 20 somethings struggle with real world problems. im still debating whether to just go back and watch the dark willow eps, bc that was fun to see, but other than that ... :/

back to seeing red, while i hate that it lead to an attempted sexual assault, i can understand the narrative path that got them to that point. spike is absolutely in the wrong, he's the one that took it too far, but regardless, from a character perspective i can see how he got to the bathroom. the buffy/spike sexual relationship is absolutely toxic the moment it begins. its built on misunderstandings, buffy using spike without regard for his feelings not understanding that despite being soulless he is his own person with his own emotions, and spike not understanding why buffy is turning to him, that her own self loathing and depression is what is driving her to him as a means of escape, not truly because of a purer emotion like love which is what he wants. their whole tryst is a stew of muddled yes/no mixed signals. and after buffy decides to break it off with spike for good, as a way for herself to begin healing from her depression, it makes sense that he wouldnt fully believe her. she had been turning her back on him and then crawling back so often, why would this time be different? again with the misunderstandings of the relationship between the both of them. they had reached a standstill where neither party knows how the other is interpreting their actions. i like this excerpt from Critically Touched's review of Seeing Red, because i feel like he is able to explain how they got to that bathroom scene in a very succinct way

"Something had to happen with these two. Spike had to just leave the show, die, or do something so bad to Buffy that he'd need to get a soul to even attempt to make things right with her, despite the fact that having a soul makes him a new individual in the process. So, despite obviously not "enjoying" the scene, I did find it shocking and I did find it valuable from a character perspective. Due to their twisted sexual relationship this season, I'm not convinced anything else other than this would result in Spike fighting for his soul to be not just a better man... but to be a man (which is poetically said in "Beneath You" [7x02])."

here is the link to the rest of the review -> [link] which i feel like, as with his other buffy reviews, is able to objectively analyze the episode in a really interesting and in depth way, and also help contextualize the episode not just within the season but the rest of the show. i recommend looking through the rest of his reviews, its an interesting perspective from someone who clearly loves this show a lot and is willing to take the time to analyze both the narrative threads as well as the character development, giving every single character their dues in his analysis.

i genuinely love both buffy and spike a lot as characters. they are both incredibly engaging and interesting, in how they grow and change throughout the course of the show, as well as how they play off each other and what they bring out in each other. seeing red is a difficult episode for a lot of people, and for good reason. while their relationship was toxic for both parties it was absolutely spike that took it too far, his attempted sexual assault is inexcusable, and he pays dearly for his transgression. i dont know if i will sit down and watch seeing red ever lol, its definitely up there with the body for episodes that i refuse to rewatch often (though for entirely different reasons lol).

i hope i explained that adequately. its a sensitive subject and i kno a lot of people understandably dont like spike because of his actions in s6. he had straddled the line between good and bad for so long that he had to reach some kind of tipping point to either go fully good or fully bad, and if he died or left the show it would have felt that his character arc had been cut short or left unfinished somehow. its unfortunate and terrible that the tipping point had to come at the cost of assault towards buffy, but as Critically Touched said given that the nature of their relationship was roughly sexual and full of misunderstandings, i can see how it ended up in that bathroom.

also just as a quick aside the way the scene is shot does an excellent job of evoking this sense of dread and wrong. you can tell immediately something awful is going to happen and it makes my skin crawl

[saintksoo]

.

[babyloniastreasure]

right so i just got done crying on and off for the first three hours of my day and i think i deserve a bit of unloading into the internet about it

dont mind me i just,,,dont have a support system anymore lol and i need some kind of fuckin release. feel free to ignore

so the last week in particular has been extremely rough and today I almost asked to go to the hospital in the hopes of like, idk. getting some sort of help. I have never been this depressed or hopeless before in my life and I’ve never had so much nothing as I do now. I lost all of my friends and my only support. I don’t have anything to look forward to. I look at my projects and my art and I can’t stand them because everything has memories attached to people who hate me and want nothing to do with me. People who have ignored me for five fucking weeks after telling me “We want to fix this.”

i’m hardly sleeping. im constantly exhausted. im physically nauseous because i cant eat from the stress and anxiety, granted i remember to eat at all or have the energy to get up to get anything in the first place. emotionally im an absolute wreck. I can’t focus. nothing is enjoyable. there’s nothing TO enjoy, because everything i had before was everything they took away. I’ve been left in the dust after they told me they still cared. so clearly that was a lie. if they cared they wouldnt have left at the drop of a hat like that

Even my family has noticed that i’m not okay and they’re starting to ask questions. i feel bad every time i brush them off but I cant let them know how bad things really are. i cant tell them that every hour i have to fight the urge to hurt myself again. that every time i have a second of free thought i think, hey, wouldn’t it be so satisfying to make yourself bleed again? and yes! it would be satisfying! but that’s not a pit i want to fall into again. it had me for years and it took even more years to break. and even though I have the awareness to not go through with it and can recognize it’s not actually going to help in the long run, it’s so exhausting when that’s my first go-to solution. And like yeah I usually have those thoughts anyway but I’ve had such a great system of friends and people I love who love me also that it was easier to get past. There were people there for me  who cared and because I knew they cared I could get through the rough patches. But now I don’t have those people. I don’t have any support. There’s nobody who cares about me. So then my loneliness gets to me and i get even more depressed and anxious and I keep spiraling, and those thoughts get worse and harder to fight off. it was those thoughts of intense “lets hurt ourselves really badly :D” that made me want to go to the hospital. I literally had the thought of “If I go to the hospital and they say I’m not severe enough to be admitted, I’ll just grab a pen and stab my leg to prove to them I need help.” Which is neither good nor healthy, but it would be so easy

instead i ended up crying for three hours and started thinking the circumstances that lead me here

and like. i will admit, and i have admitted dozens of times, hundreds of times to myself, that I made a mistake. I know that. I told them that. That was the first fucking thing I said. all i can think about is that singular, one, individual, tiny little blunder. and how despite me acknowledging it and coming clean with it and trying to talk about it, it was blown up and out of proportion and thrown in my face. they took my misstep and every single one of them twisted it and manipulated it into something far from the truth, something that painted me as a terrible person, as a secret asshole, as a huge toxic influence, as a deceitful and unappreciative person. They all threw out everything about our friendship in favor of ignoring what I’d said and assuming something far from the truth, the truth I laid out for them no less.

and then when i asked if i could clarify and communicate, they told me no. then blamed me for not communicating!!

thats all i ever tried to do! was communicate

From day one the group said hey if there’s a problem, be open with it and we’ll talk about it. we communicate to solve problems because we’re all friends and cherish each other.

what a load of shit.

i tried to communicate. I laid out my problem and then everybody else got involved, said I wasn’t allowed to talk about that with them, then they called me back like some kind of court and judge and jury and told me because I didn’t communicate, I was being kicked out. That’s not fair. I wasn’t treated fairly. I wasn’t even allowed to clarify whatever the hell they thought. They straight up told me no, you can’t talk about this with us. That’s not communication. That’s hypocritically shutting me down.

“Communicate with us Jask!”

“Okay I will send communication”

“Op! You’re not allowed :) We agreed you can’t talk to us :) You’re being kicked out :) Oh But Don’t Feel Unwelcome We Want To Fix This.” Then they all fuckin. moved into a space without me in it. That’s not welcoming. That’s exclusionary. That’s not communicating either. I’ve been handed a double standard that I can’t do anything about because I’m not allowed to even say hello to these people

How does anyone expect things to get better if I’m not being given the chance I was promised? its been. five. weeks. I’m ? so fucking tired and sad and alone, waiting every fucking day in the hopes that someone is going to actually talk to me again. then I finally pass out in near tears at 3am because another day has passed with none of them caring enough to even ask if im okay

and like. i desperately want to talk to them. i dont know what id say but. i dont know. i dont know. im not allowed to, for one. they made that crystal fucking clear. but again what would i even say?

do i say im sorry? i apologized dozens of times and it never made a difference, they ignored my apologies from the start and im certain they ignored the ones at the end too. and im terrified of saying sorry to the only person who really matters in this situation because im certain she’s going to cut me off if i even breathe in her direction

do I say that i miss them? what’s that going to do? it feels manipulative to say that. like hey pity me into talking to me again? i cant do that. im sure none of them miss me anyway so why would i put myself on the spot like that

do i admit im afraid to talk to them? again that also feels, bad, because the last time i admitted a feeling it drove them all away in an instant. and like also that feels like im backing them into a corner where they have to respond. and i dont want to force that. so it feels like talking is making the same mistake that made them kick me out. and like. what if...talking really does make it worse? what if talking is what ruins it even though talking is what they told me they want?

again there’s the double standard. be honest and communicate, but if you’re honest and communicate you’re rejected outright and made into the bad guy.

at this point its been so long

and i’ve deteriorated so much

i dont know if like. i just. i dont know...if more deterioration, if more waiting, and more dashed hope is worth it ?

i dont even know if they still want to repair things. what if they dont? what if they never did? what if they lied? what if they sit in their little group and talk poorly about me? what if they made bets about how long it’ll take me to leave or unfriend them like my isolation was some sort of game? what if they think i hate them? what if they really DO hate me? what if they moved on and want to forget about me? what if they regret knowing me at all? what if they wish they never knew me? what if they’re happy without me? what if 

oh boy i started crying again

what if this entire month of waiting and crying and wishing and grieving and hoping and loneliness was a waste of time? what if this was all for nothing? what if i never get to talk to them again? i. man. i just. i really really really miss everyone. i miss them so much. i miss them so fucking much. i dont know what to do. I m. fuck. im miserable. i wish i hadn’t said anything i wish i had kept my mouth shut i wish i never tried i wish i never did any of that i wish i had my friends i wish i could go back i wish i could talk to them

if i didnt say anything at least i’d be happy and id have everything and i would have my best friends in the whole world and id, fuck man thats really it, id be happy. im  so fucking awul

im so. i. i cant see the scvreen i need to go wash up and stop

[disorganisedpilot]

captains log 06-07/01/21

once again couldnt get up bc i was so depressed i wish this wouldnt keep happening

skipped breakfast Again

went out to the top of the garden to put out more mealworms for the birds

had a shower. dressed in purple cords i patched over the summer, tie dyed shirt, grey sweatshirt, big scarf and glittery earrings 

beans on toast for lunch and drank lots of coffee

tried to work and failed miserably. didnt even turn my laptop on, just sat and spiraled

lit the jasmine candle again tho n it smelled nice

went for a walk

ate a ginger biscuit and drank a cup of tea, and wrote a letter to my grandparents

checked my emails. thats the closest i got to working lol. spiralled again abt hpw everyone probly hates me n how i cant see a psych until feb

ate vegan sausages, mash and broccoli leaves with beetroot ketchup for tea and drank sparkling water. fancy lol

watched a film w my fam

watched the news. wtaf. 

i think i have v low empathy for other people but high empathy for stuffed toys lol. its a complicated thing but yea. my empathy is Low. id talk more but im exhausted

its 02:13 im gona sleep

[hamahsjournal]

My Struggle with Rejection and Vulnerability

I've had alot of friendships in my life, yet somehow here, right now I have none. It's a fact that physically hurts some days but 'it is what it is' as they say.

My very first friendship ever was probably my longest ever. I befriended twins in the Pre-K and we remained friends until the 8th grade, when I left our small school. I left school and slowly started hanging out with them less and talking to them less. It hurt, alot, at first, but we were naturally growing apart. I obviously didnt expect or want then to never make new friends but I would be lying if I said it didnt hurt when I'd see them on social media with other people. But I grew older, more mature and understand the natural distance that came between us.

What I cant forget and what will always hurt was my friend Aryn. Aryn and I because friends when I was in 5th grade. She was in 6th and had newly transferred to our school. I dont really know what brought us together but we were naturally drawn to each other and hit it off. We were absolute BEST friends! Like we texted all the time, hung out at every possible chance and we told each other everything, I really loved her.

She and another girl (who we'll get into later) stayed my best friends the when I moved away and still talked and everything. When my family and I moved back to my home town, Aryn and I had become slightly distant but nothing a few chats over coffee wouldnt fix. But little did I know Aryn had moved on. I would text her to hang out and she would agree then text back minutes before we out meet up time saying, for one reason or another, she couldn't make it. Then I would see her on social media that same night out with other friends. I was the backup friend, no longer a first priority, simply an option if a better one failed to come through. It hurt, alot.

Where our friendship came to a nasty end was the day after our mutual friend, Ashley's wedding. Ashley was at the time my best friend. I had known her a long time (as she use to date my brother, but that's another story for another time). Aryn her and I hung out alot. But as Aryn backed out of my life ashley was there for me and was a great friend. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding and we were really close. But the day after the wedding aryn posted a photo that destroyed our friendship.

You see, aryn had a fake Instagram (a finsta if you must *rolls eyes*) that I didnt follow but Ashley did. Aryn posted a candid photo of her and I at the wedding where I looked, basically terrible lol, and posted a rude comment directed towards me under it. I guess I must have blocked out what the comment was because, I genuinely cant remember it any longer. But trust me, it was grounds for divorce.

I was hurt and felt like my life long friend had secretly hated me and I never knew. All the times she canceled our plans made sense she never actually cared about me like I did her. I felt alone and fell down a hole of depression for a while.

Luckily, my friend ashley helped me alot with that! She helped me realize the problem lyed with aryn and not me. But soon our friendship too ended.

After Ashley's wedding she moved away and we both did our best to keep in contact, but us both being young adults we had busy lives that didnt always permit that. I still considered her my best friend though. What was the end of things was when she made a trip back to our home town and didnt tell me. In fact kept it a secret from me and my brother, who was her husband's best friend. The obviously didnt want to see us for whatever reason and ignored us. They continued to do this multiple times while posting on social media pictures of them out with other friends. Friends, who by the way, made their wedding hell. But again another story for another time.

Once again i was left feeling hurt and confused I didnt know what I did to deserve this. I always was the best friend I could possibly be to Ashely. Fighting and standing up for her when drama hit the fan during her wedding, I threw her a bachelorette party, I talked her through a break up. But here I was once again out a friend, spiraling down the dark tunnel of depression, I too often find myself in.

What pulled me out of the maze of depression I was in was when I went on a missions trip to Mexico. Now I've been going to Mexico for a lo g time, but never more than a week at a time, until this trip. I went down for three months. I worked in an orphanage and loved it! I met a boy who worked there who was a few years older than me and we instantly had an unspoken connection. I found myself really really liking him, but we were just friends and I wasn't about to loose another friend because of my dumb feelings.

It wasn't until my next trip down, where I stayed for eight months, that I realized I was head over heels in love with my friend. But I never said anything. Him, two other girls and I lived and worked together in this orphanage, always hung out and were best friends.

That was until during the Christmas season where one of our mutual friends (who was slightly obsessed with him) was away visiting family. He told me one night, that he liked me, like alot. He has for a long time and sees us having a future together. You can imagine how genuinely happy and excited I was! This was why i was here! I would fall in love get married and have a family, it was incredible! But, I didnt want to start anything while I was living in the orphanage, because he was living there too and we were working with kids, so we didn't want anything weird to happen. So we decided to just wait to see what happened in the future.

Then, our friend came home. She cornered me one evening in our kitchen and went off. Saying I was ruining our friend group, his and I's relationship was inappropriate, I was a bad example to the kids, I made her uncomfortable and it needed to stop.

I left the conversation, locked myself in my bathroom and resorted to an old coping mechanism I thought I had long left behind. I cut my hips and sides. Balling my eyes out heart broken I had ruined everything.

This began a chain reaction of events that are too lo g to explain now, but in the end it came down to this. He had to choose to be with me or be friends with her. Guess what he chose?

He chose her then had the audacity to tell me he loved me. I hated him. Well, I wanted to. But I also loved him much. After a couple months I returned home, broken hearted.

I'm still broken hearted, hurt and struggling. He posts about her now, their friendship (thata more than a friendship if you ask me), how great she is and how much he loves her. While I sit here having lost a boy I love and my friendship with both of them.

I'd never felt so rejected and hurt in my entire life, it destroyed me for a long time. He still texts me occasionally and I text back keeping the conversation friendly but that's all.

It's because of these event in my life that I struggle with the constant feeling of rejection and not being good enough. I'm always the second choice. Never quite good enough to be made a priority.

Maybe one day, someone, somewhere will change that for me. But that feels so far away.

Somedays I cope with the fee lo ding better than others. Some day I can go for a run, or draw, or mow the grass and feel better after ward. Others I feel enslaved to the depressing thoughts in my mind keeping me a prisoner to my bed and to the blade on my sides.

I'm hurt. Struggling and I fear rejection. Because of that I dont dare to make myself vulnerable to another person again.