#like its making me feel better abt myself outside of work too

[flowerygraves]

been catalyzing a lot lately its been very good for me so far

[nomairuins]

i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.

[phagodyke]

SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING SO HARD WE ARE SO FUCKING BACK

[cheap-jumpscare]

ranting abt being kanade yoisaki.... if ur uncomfy with doubles, scroll away !!!!!!!1

raghhhhh i need white hair and my hair needs 2 be straight n long...... sighs. i already have blue eyes n im already extremely pale so thumbs up but ugh. i shld be skinnier too and that is related :|

i cant tell if im fickin or not but i rlly do wish i looked like. me? ive even always ACTED like me. im just. Kanade Yoisaki. this is the one "just like me fr.." character that's been CONSISTENT.

i was watching a video essay my meowtual Vriska made and SIGHS yeah. its >here< btw pls watch it. very good art and a very cool survey !!

^ but in relation to that I had a mini realization sorta. if i am a kanade fictionkin then i AM just Kanade. there would be no seperation between me and Kanade Yoisaki. if i AM fictionkind then I wouldn't be a "kanade kinnie" id BE kanade. just like how Vriska's whole video is about how fickind tend to suppress their identity to be more palatable. its just so hard to figure out if i AM fickindddd :|

and even then i dont feel like id be exactly like 'canon' me. id be different. id have several traits and such that i always have said I 'headcanon' Kanade with. maybe thats just me bein a bit Sillymode but urghfghg.

im just like i am in the game. i dont go outside regularly because the sun hurts my eyes, bright lights in general suck (though this may just be because my eyes are a lighter color- qwant it its weird), im very serious about music and i do believe it CAN save people, im not very good at personal hygiene and yet inexplicably im considered ~generally~ attractive by, at the very least, my parents. I've mentioned all that before, though. Plus preferring online school.

another thing i want to say bc i feel like it. everytime i see anyone else who's also a character i Am (ex, someone else who's Kanade) i dont ever get bothered. bc my brain rationalizes it through 'multiverse theory.' TL;DR 'doubles' dont bother me because i believe in infinite alternate realities and that if someone else is also kanade then they're just a kanade from an alternate reality. does that make sense?

i still feel a disconnect between the kanade in prosekai and myself- the kanade i am. enough to where i can refer to her in the 3rd person comfortably. im not the same as her. there's differences, I can feel them. ill just refer to Kanade in the game as 'canon!kana'/'canon!me' because that's easiest;

the biggest difference between us is that, well, canon!me is human. she also isn't explicitly trans in any direction, and is also a hard worker. all of that is stuff that doesnt apply. im trans- im queer in every sense of the word. every inch of my identity is a little weird, a little 'out of the norm.' No part of me can be easily described to a lot of people. I do know, thankfully, that people in the real world can be accepting. My Nana supports xenogenders and she's in her early 70s. Granted, I am her main source of information on neurodivergency and queer identity, but I'm able to unbiasedly explain terms and gently guide her in the right direction. I would feel safe in admitting I am not human, and do not like physically being so. I'm lazy- admittedly due to depressive symptoms, but I do not like work. I generally just hate having to do physical activity- even just in-general work. The reason I'm almost-failing all of my classes in highschool is because I hate working for more than a few minutes at a time, especially consecutively.

Of course, I will say I am not a person who really experiences delusions. That isn't to say those who do are lesser or that I'm better- it's just a simple fact. I specify that because this is the 'piss on the poor' website. I can seperate my physical body right now as I physically am from my possible fictionkinnity- at this current moment I am (at the very least biologically) not a shapeshifter like I often call myself. I am human, I am biologically a perisex female, etc. I don't like to see myself like that. I am Uta, yes. But Uta isn't a human. Uta is Kanade Yoisaki. Uta is a shapeshifter. In some way or another, I am nonhuman- or otherwise 'different.' I always have been.

idk. im just kanade. i dont properly know what i mean by it, other than. well. I Am Kanade. and that's really all there is to it.lon

[fandxmslxt69]

CLEM!!!

Happy birthday, lovely! I hope you're happy and healthy! So sorry I didn't see your post earlier, I've been having a very hectic year with studying, working and just generalized stuff! BUT BUT I couldn't send you a inbox!

So like a said: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! you are one of the sweetest mutuals ever! And to celebrate that a gotta ask

What is your latest read?

And I want to know your all time favorite Jason fics, please with links and all!

LOVE OF MY LIFE HELLO!!!

OMG PLS DONT APOLOGISE I KNOW HOW HECTIC LIFE CAN GET!! i hope you are taking good care of yourself, resting and relax outside of studies and work!!! remember that none of it matters if you aren't feeling good <33

MY LATEST READ OKAY

um truth be told my love i have been in SUCH a slump lately,,,, its been tough out here.

i only read like 3 books very recently (last month or so)

I did read All The Little Raindrops by Mia Sheridan my QUEEN. its like a mystery thriller with a side of romance!!! Sheridan's books are ALWAYS a hit (she's very popular for her booktok famous Archer's Voice? And Travis !!) I've read like. most of her books at this point. I have never devoted myself to an author so much. She got me into the whole thriller genre and I LOVE her. so much. ITS SO GOOD AAAA. its not for the faint of heart and on more than once i find myself with the need to throw up with how HORRIFYING and messed up some of this stuff is (most of her thriller books are not for the faint of heart. lots of horrific stuff that is all too real and it makes it 10x more disturbing). Anyway i loved it i think i gave it a 4/5 stars it was so so good

2. i ALSO started Ana Huang's If Love series. I literally never shut up about Ana Huang like. EVER and i had been wanting to read this for a while and IM SO GLAD I GOT IT STARTED !!! Its a LOT less popular than hr Twisted and Kings of Sin series; she wrote it well before she got popular/published but its so good. its def not Twisted/Kings of Sin series but it makes it sooo clear how much she's grown in her writing, character development and general story telling!!! I read the first 2 books and UGHGUGHUFGHUFGHG yeah. new comfort series fr fr fr fr.

I also got digging through Lynn Painter's works (Love Wager, Mr Wrong Number, Better Than The Movies, etc) 10/10 her rom coms are sacred to me. this was a while ago though like. months ago lmao but i think abt her books always!!!

OH OH OMG I READ BIRTHDAY GIRL BY PENELOPE DOUGLAS !!!! SOME TIME AGO!!! yeah it changed my brain chemistry. i dont remember if i told you or not. but it changed my life. i think about it always.

edit: omg shut up i forgot i read some banger books months ago that i did not mention. i ate up Liz Tomforde's sports romance series (Windy City series) it was SO FREAKING GOOD. she had hockey romance, she had basketball romance she had BASEBALL ROMANCE. 10/10 amazing vibes

I ate through the latest of Lauren Asher's (Love Redesigned) IT WAS ALSO HELLA GOOD!! Ana Huang's King of Greed was also a vibe. not my fav but it was good. I ALSO delved into hockey romance SOOO DEEP. Fav series is probably Becka Mack's Playing For Keeps. It's the silliest stupidest fluffy no plot head empty series ever. the first book is 90% porn. its just for the giggles. the second is a bit better but the third is def the best in terms of actual plot & character development for example but the vibes are astronomical and i live for them

i ALSO started reading Sarah Adam's small town romance series (very very good). All fluffy fall vibes. CHLOE GONG HAD COME OUT WITH A NEW BOOK IN THE SUMMER AND I GOT TO IT AROUND THE NEW YEAR AND IT WAS SOOO GOOOD. Immortal Longings mm......she destroyed me once again.

OKAY ALL TIME FAV JASON FICS ok i dont have links (is lazy to go find links) but i will tell you two blogs im like religiously stalking:

@in-som-niyah has AMAZING THOUGHTS on Jason 10/10 i love getting all my jason content from her GOD BLESS THE HARDWORKING PEOPLE OF TUMBLR DOT COM

@fcthots also has some kick ass Jason stuff....like....from smutty to fluffy and domestic its....yeah. oooghgubjgubgn yeah yeah.

anyway i've probably forgotten to mention a bunch of books but thats all i can remember that was actually good. HOW HAVE YOU BEEN WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN READING !!!

[arowrath]

wrt that poll abt tone indicators thats going around.w ell first of all tbh i think some of the hatred for them comes from cringe culture. but second of all. some of the criticism is totally fair like there are a fuckton of tone indicators and sometimes . there really dont need to be. and the abbreviations can be confusing i try to type out ones that arent s srs or j. tho i feel like most of the newer ones were popularized on twt so itmakes sense they wouldnt be written all the way out

like i think my prolem is when theres SO many and theyre redundant. i found a carrd with a fuckton of them that im gonna comment on To entertain myself sorry

like these 3 all feel redundant .. why do u need a different tone tag for Mostly joking than Half joking ? or for a Coping joke ? just use /j or combine with with like, /neg or something to get the tone across yknow? and /ji - first of all looks like /ij (inside joke), second of all why not just use /j

and like. why half serious or mostly serious or not serious when /j or /hj exist ? why /ns when it looks so similar to /nsrs, which means the opposite ? ive been using /s since like 2015 and /srs since like 2018 so ivegot those down and dont confuse them but i see why could be for some one who hasnt used them b4, why make it more complicated?

i like /g or /gen in theory- ppl have said its confusing bc gen could be general which i get, but for ppl familiar w tone tags tend to know what it means. genq is one ive used just bc. its fun to type tbh. and i think ppl get what it means but its not really Necessary. BUt genep and genc feel unnecessary when /g and /srs exist, and /gene is just, a word. that's just a word ! 😭

ojh my god. i should do a tone indicator tier list

as you can see my adhd meds are working

/nbr is funny bc half the time when some1 says theyre not being rude they definitely are. also there's already /g /srs and /lh. /nm is either helpful or deeply confusing Bc i try to take it at face value but sometimes i see it and im like. Why would i be mad ? and i start overthinking. but thats a me problem

i like this one i use it when i complain a lot Bc i dont want ppl to think im vagueing them i just love complaining

i love these ones. tone indicators for Being Mean To Someone. dunno if its on this list but ive seen /pa and /sbh (/passive aggressive & /somebody here, respectively) which is SO funny. i dont think theyre helpful really though except /neg Bc again. these all mean very similar things !!! why not just clarify extra things with a parenthetical

THESE R ALL THE SAME TONE !!! why not jsut use one single tone indicator for this !!! or none at all and just type the word !!!

need /nfl on a shirt in the aro colors so poeple know im not fucking interested in them. that aside. 1. whywould u need this ever !!! why not use again just /j if necessary.and 2. isnt the nfl a football thing

these r similar but i do like them, i think typing out a whole word again is a better solution so u dont have to scavenge google for the meaning but i think its helpful to clarify this and isnt synonymous with /j or /s or /lh

i think these ones are almost all just from the op's discord server or w/e, i won't bash that cuz if it works for them it works, that being said i dont think This many tone indicators for these types of things r helpful outside of that specific context yknow? also, /fx is really funny

ok i wont say that typing tics dont exist bc tics can be complex and vary by situation etc so im sure they can, but is that happening That much that u need a tone tag for it ? and also like. for /unin just delete the msg or say "oops sent too early hang on" or smth.. and as for vocal stim. first of all why is it /vt ? and second of all . why ... would u need that to type out ? bc if ur vocal stimming that would be. out loud? i.e. not in a chat where youre typing ???????@????>?,//???? BAFFLING. also in what situation is /gib necessary i genuinely cant think of one

ANYWAY.

None of this is to rag on tone indicators (/genuine) i think they can be helpful + i am always being gensrs when i use them. i just think some r a little silly & a lot from longer lists are unhelpful Bc theyre supposed to make communication Easier and Clearer + haveing So many tone indicators with Different Implied Tones WITHIN the indicators !!! makes it harder imo. bc if theyre to clarify tone why should i have to fight for my life deciphering why someone went from /mj to /hj yknow.

like this is all my Opinion and imsure these r all helpful for Someone otherwise they wouldnt exist but i rly feel like the system could be condensed a bit yk.

do i have a system in mind to suggest here ? well.

(also. this whole post is /genuine, /lighthearted, /not upset, and /not passive aggressive. and a bit /silly)

[crippleswag]

6h late to the rant but OH GOD this is gonna be a nightmare of a semester from gym class alone

yesterday (monday) I was tryna participate in gym class cuz despite being disabled I typically don't mind most gym activities, but heres a thing with whatever specific chronic pain I have: I won't realize I pushed my physical breaking point until it's way too late. Like I'll be chilling and then suddenly the worst migrane will hit, followed by my entire body simotaniously wanting to spasm and being unable to move due to the intense pain. To the point that when I asked the gym teacher to sit out (which he let me do no problem cuz he knew my issues) I could barely walk to the outside of the gym (where my friends were cuz one was recovering from a panic attack) and once I got out there I was basically unable to move due to a mix of having to stand still as for my body to not completely go haywire and because more movement = more pain. At some point both me & the friend who was sitting out cuz panic attack both ended up laying on the floor cuz they were lightheaded and my body was about to either go haywire or tense up enough to where I couldn't move so I wanted to atleast be on the ground just incase, and while the friend who was lightheaded got actual help from the 2 other friends sitting out for no reason I was just given a bunch of shitty jokes and sarcastic "are you okay?"s and after admitting that I genuinely wasn't okay (as if me going on about the fact that my body was doing everything wrong at once wasn't a major hint that HEY I WASN'T FINE.) the only one who rlly stepped up to help me was the friend I was the closest too and she helped me sit up and attempted to get a tylenol from the office for me (couldn't because I had to be there to get it. bad thing to say when the "I" in question is currently unable to walk but that secretary just seems to want me dead for being crippled anyways) while the other 2 friends were too busy making jokes abt how they wanted to fuck eachother to even glance over at me. Fastforward a bit and gym ends, gym teacher helps me stand up, friend who had to sit out cuz of a panic attack talks to gym teacher abt stuff I didn't care to eavesdrop on and I barely manage to get in and out of that changing room. my body still feels like its pain-burning (like. its almost like a burning feeling but without the heat and just the pain) today and I'm debating just missing school today cuz of this. fuck my dumbass body's inability to know when to stop until its too late and fuck Kat & Quade who couldn't get their eyes off eachother for a second to try and give a shit about another human being

honestly can’t really imagine what it’s like to have ablebodied friends as a physically disabled person, well i have one but they’re incredibly helpful, and it must be so disappointing to have your ‘friends’ ignore you like that. i’m truly sorry that you had to experience that & you deserve so much better.

you truly think that your friends will be there, and when they’re not, it’s really hard to grasp honestly. like, do you not care?? (you as in the friends).

i’ve had many one sided friendships where i’ve had to do all the work, while getting nothing in return myself. it truly feels like a betrayal.

i’m incredibly happy to be surrounded by physically disabled friends, because in a special way, i can ALWAYS rely on them. there are days where their issues are worse than mine, or they are hindered by their physical disability so they can’t help with something; but they will always think about how they can help in case they can’t help in a specific way. it’s just a completely other experience than with able bodied ppl.

i truly hope you’ll get surrounded by more physically disabled people in your life, it’s a game changer.

much love to you, and i with a low pain/symptoms day for you! (and otherwise, the ability to manage the pain/symptoms)💚

[slytherinshua]

He's just precious. I definitely need to watch some of his live performances! I love it when artists really get into the music. Yechan is quite fun to watch, he seems to get quite into it. And Wonsang!! I love it when he is making faces while playing bass (generally I'm reacting the same way to his parts ahaha)

People are honestly so tough to deal with sometimes lol. I'd become a recluse if I could ahaha. I was talking about this with my brother once, when I finally have enough money to move out (not anytime soon 😭) I NEED to live with someone else. Partly for safety, but also because if I don't I'll become a hermit and never leave ahaha (also because I despise cooking and there is a very real possibility that I'll just starve instead lol). I'm glad you enjoy talking to me, I do too! (Feel free to message me anytime too!)

That's exciting, I hope it goes well!! Are you working towards grades or anything? Or do you just go along with music that you want to learn? Lessons on zoom seems interesting, online classes were hard enough sometimes so music lessons must have been something else. It is literally so hard to find motivation to practice! Like I want to be better, but I don't want to practice ahaha. Although I use to really have to practice because my mum taught me for a while so she'd definitely know if I didn't 😭

Oh wow you were so close to them!! I'd probably forget to how to pose as well, although I can't really pose in general without it being awkward lol. That's really cute that he was telling you what he was going to do

i remember my favourite hyunsang song (or maybe favourite song of all time in general) is snowflake and i watched the live of it and there's this one part where he looks back at his band/orchestra behind him and just smiles so widely before he goes up onto the lifted platform to do his guitar solo AND IDK IT MADE ME EMO CAUSE I NEVER SEE THAT BIG SMILE FROM HIM HES SO CUTE (here if u wanna see it btw)

yechan is always so mesmerizing to watch he gets SO into the music and playing you just can't take your eyes off of him!! wonsang always has fun with it and dances, smiles so wide, or focuses really hard when hes doing hard parts on the bass i just love him i could talk about him all day

yeah and its pretty bad i don't have like any interaction irl its all online and im kinda thankful for that because its a lot easier to deal with interactions online than in person its a lot less stressful 😭😭 but i never go outside i swear 😭😭 i feel like i would get so lonely if i was living alone even though i don't tend to think of myself as someone who needs in person social interaction... but i think it would build up and hit hard if i no longer had people around me to talk to even a little every day like my family.... hehe i will its so fun to talk to you ^^

rn i do plan to take another music exam probably grade 6 since that'll be the easiest to do. i need it for a high school credit so we'll see how it goes. i've done grade 3 and grade 5 in the past and got first class honors both times i think but it's still extremely stressful i think i cried both times lmao 😭😭 technically im more grade 8 or 9 piano but i don't want to do a higher level when i don't need to and haven't been playing for a year so we'll see how grade 6 stuff goes.... online lessons for piano were interesting for sure 😭😭 it was harder to do stuff like ear training and having the teacher not like exactly there with you made it harder to progress... i also forgot abt my piano lesson times a lot and would oversleep 💀 i really lost motivation to practice around the same time i was getting burned out because of school idk... back in 2020 i was so motivated with piano i would practice so much and that's actually why after i finished my grade 5 exam i progressed like 3 levels right after. i remember getting the grade 6-7 books but all the pieces were so easy in them all of sudden just cause of how much i practiced lol. but now i think i'm gonna struggle a bit to pick things back up before it gets easy again. damn having your mom as your teacher must've been hard but also nice in a way i assume?? i remember my mom used to bribe me with stuff to get me to practice, and one time i wanted to quit and she would not let me which was good cause i would've regretted it so hard but at the time i was not happy that i couldn't quit 😭😭

i remembered a pose for the second pic we took but for the first one my mind was just so blank, party cause i didn't know we were gonna do group photo immediately and also cause sangyeop was RIGHT there talking to ME. like he literally told me to sit i prob would've been fine if he hadn't spoken but like he did so ITS HIS FAULT FR 😭 i wanted to follow the pose he said he was gonna do and i did for the second pic since he said a heart pose but like damn my brain didn't want to understand what a flower pose was....

[moving-to-dreamwinged]

cw / ed

it’s just hard for me to genuinely believe u care as much as u say when u keep making “jokes” even after ive explained to u so many times how much it hurts me OVER and OVER when i HATE opening up to ppl so even setting tht boundary was hard asf!!!😭😭😭 u know how hard i worked to get in recovery and how it’s been even harder to actually STAY there. u know all the stories abt how my disorder tore my relationship w my family and my old friends about. yet u constantly say triggering shit ON A LOOP EVERY DAY with no fucking warning. bc i had the audacity to be vulnerable for once in my fucking life and open up to u abt my insecurities? then u say my trust issues in general are unfounded and “crazy” when U PERPETUATE THEM. just say u liked me better when i was sicker at this point instead of beating around the bush. for fucks sake

and these r supposed to be my ppl, the closest friends i’ve ever had in my life yet they constantly make me so uncomfortable with the things they say abt my habits and the tidbits they know abt my struggles w mental health. they’re so so great otherwise but then there’s this and no matter how much i explain it they never stop? it hurts so much. and it comes in sprees too; where they just basically bully me constantly for a week and i hav no idea where it came from or how to stop it. i don’t want to let a few idiotic comments interfere wifh all the progress i’ve made but fuck. i decide to treat myself w a lil dessert and there’s a comment. i walk outside in literally any outfit and it’s “oh u better lay off the [whatever food they saw me eating recently] or that’s not gonna fit anymore lol!” i genuinely. don’t understand. iv explained to them hey im in recovery from anorexia after multiple years of struggling w it, ik it’s just jokes to u guys but it really hurts me. nope nothing. the running gag in the friend group is basically that im fat and ugly. that’s their favorite bit nd when they remember how funny it is Oh am i in for a long couple of weeks.

and idk maybe they dont mean it. maybe they rly just think it’s funny; maybe they think there’s nothing wrong w my body so commenting on it is a funny joke bc of the contrast but idrc honestly. one of them even HAS body dysmorphia (and knows i do too!) and STILL does it. like shouldn’t you understand how fucking DAMAGING tht is? its all so hurtful to me in so many ways nd i can’t stop thinking about it. they know i struggle w sh and suicidal thoughts too yet keep this up. like shouldn’t u know that’s gonna make it worse??? i don’t rly have any interest in seeing them if this keeps up. i don’t wanna eat around them or even exist around them if they keep doing this. i feel rly sick. i don’t want to think this is genuinely how my best friends feel abt me and they think it’s ok but. :( i can’t help it. i rly don’t know what to think

[idealspawn]

throughout my journey on growing as a person somehow the only thing i still havent managed to resolve or find the deepest true cause for is my insecurity regarding my intelligence. every single evidence from outside authorities is screaming in praise and approval of my level of knowledge yet i am filled with such anxiety. i dont know how to not let my high standards lower my self-confidence. i think its good that i do have high standards too in a way but not the anxious perfectionism that comes with it. ive thought maybe im unsure about my competence because i feel like i dont belong. in university since ive had an unconventional route, i sort of lack like a group of coursemates (ive changed universities and now im in like an exchange programme so i havent had and dont have the same curriculum as anyone). so i dont know what i should know and what i shouldnt. like what prior knowledge others have. i dont know where i place in the context. i dont know what is stupid to bring up and what isnt. google also told me that maybe its like the dunning-kruger effect where the more you know the more you become painfully aware of how little you know. i guess thats true. i also in general am like programmed to seek for irregularities (i study philosophy and have a background of doing a lot of things requiring close analysis and pattern recognition) so maybe thats why i only see whats wrong in my work or opinions even if that actually forms a small portion regarding the whole. usually my professors dont even pick up on those things i think are massive logical fallacies and am afraid will fail. i literally only get praise and they are so so so credible too, its not that i get approval from people who dont know any better. i dont know. i have all these explanations in my head but not one of those hits the nail on the head. ive gathered that what relieves my anxiety regarding.. well anything.. is just acknowledgeing it. like cracking the code as to whats the underlying deeper cause that projects itself in this belief, insecurity. but i cant seem to ever get it. i wonder is this too small of a problem to go to a psychologist. right now its not too bad but i actually get like weird intense uncontrollable nervous anxiety twitches and breakdowns from the pure thought of how little i know and what others think of me. im most afraid that they think that i think im smart when in reality im so painfully aware that im speaking on matters i feel i dont have proper knowledge of (yet i must because its an assignment). though i think its pretty apparent that im insecure, at least during presentations or speaking in seminars because of the way i speak (hesitantly). i know that to wait until i truly know sth before i speak is a lost cause. you cant ever fully know anything. and its like. so what if im wrong. nothing happens if im wrong but im so terrified of it. i guess ive tied my intelligence to my identity quite a bit but i dont know if that is it either. i guess you could say i should care less abt what other ppl think but in other areas im so confident and sure of myself i dont know why this is manifest only here. i know im actually quite capable at least compared to some people and there are periods where i do get my feedback on an essay or task and i feel really sure of myself but its a very very small slice of the time. i know comparison isnt proper but its also so necessary and inevitable in my field of study, i cant seem to avoid it. ive genuinely resorted to paying a lot of attention to my looks and makeup that makes me look cute and kind in order to hopefully cause the halo effect that when im silent or say something stupid i get the benefit of the doubt.......... its stupid. but im that afraid :/ of coming across narrow-minded.

[just-some-random-blogger]

good morning, lovie!! this kitten TT theyre so tiny i cant help myself TT 'what did i do?' exist 'I GOT A NEW OUTFIT FOR LISA!' oh so cute🥺 it looks so pirate-ish? 'i want to write ideas outside my reqs' if itll be easier than making reqs then do it. its ok. tumblr is nothing in comparison with your comfort. 'while rereading it i was like 'damn im really good at writing’' its good bc you are. hope you get out too. praying for you, m cutie. 'i want a hug from you for real' oh nooo sweetheart no need to cry. i only can give you dozens of virtual hugs but still luvluvluv u<з did you watch doctor who? i wanted to recommend s6 but then i understood there you cant watch just one ep bc 1-7 is the whole complete plotline💀 but it was so confusing and dramatic it worth it. 'ive seen crack edits' OH babygirl TT they had SUCH a drama TT i cried. there was my fav quote. oh what a good time it was... 'i cant write it im sorry' it fine you shouldnt be sorry! 'She loves her love for daemon more than daemon himself?' yes. 'i literally make mood boards' and its even more time-consuming? 'have not enjoyed writing a series in a long time' im glad to know you enjoy it!! 'i might really just stop writing for a while' if thats what you need then ok. you do owe nothing to anyone. its solely your choice. 'this post is really cute too' OMG YES its a leaf dragon TT and it has the paws TT 'im currently in class not listening because id rather reply to you' bad example for kids, catmom. but ok its good to know you already know it. its cute what you do to reply me<з r u better? 'its so hot my head hurts' FREEZY KISSES 'the fact you care enough to do that' OFC I DO. if i have symbols ill write one idea here. 'i dont want to fail' you will not. youre smart, talented and hard-working. you wont fail. youll graduate and everythingll be just fine. 'i also wanted to share this video about wolves' omg yes! its so.. reliving? its good to know nature has its ways. sorry i wasnt able to watch the tiger series as i cant really concentrate on the long vids and has been sleeping and dozing off for the whole day TT ill definately watch it later though. AJDHFJKF half an hour ago i was like hm i need to check smth on youtube and got completely carried away TT im back though. yk i read a fic abt shadow & bone then i did a research abt whole grishaverse so i learnt this universe and its (ESPECIALLY) language are inspired by russia in 19th century and russian and mongolian and i have LOTS of questions TT like??? ok this main idk antagonist(?) darklings name is alexander morozovA and its the fem form of last name while the fem character has surname safin but its a musc form??? and yeah the main characters surname starkov is also the musc form?? these are real last names here TT and while i can get why fem characters have musc last names 1) musc is the first form so its not rare to see musc words with the fem characters in foreign things 2) they dont derive from the real russian word BUT HIS last name???? its THE MOST common, traditional and productive way to make a surname its literally a rus word+suffix ov+ no enging if its musc or ending a if its fem. WHY??? so many questions and no answers (or i wasnt searching for them). and why tf they are GRISHA TT grisha is just the form of name Grigorii WHY TF the whole social group is called GRISHA? i have a few questions to the language but ok i wont be ranting too much. like i was SO amused. i laughed so hard TT ok i was about writing a fic idea but i got too carried away by this. so plss really let me know if you feel like it can spoil your mood or youre tired of others reqs. i consider it pretty (my bestie said its cliche and too suppy :( ) and would like too see it. but i dont want to force you. and you shouldnt do it to yourself! i dont want you to feel pressed bc of me. bc of anything really. sorry for this outburst. im still procrastinating (clown emoji bc the site i was taking them from became shitty). hope you do better. have a good day/evening/night! freezy hugs to feel a lil better! luv u! take care<з

HI <3

have you ever watched aristocats? i remember loving it as a child but also i cant remember anything that happened in the film besides the fact i love this kitty mari(? is that her name lol AHHAH) so much

good morning, lovie!! this kitten TT theyre so tiny i cant help myself TT

YES TEENY TINY KITTY <3

'what did i do?' exist

omg HAHAHA love that for me HAHA

'I GOT A NEW OUTFIT FOR LISA!' oh so cute🥺 it looks so pirate-ish?

oh does it. it just looks... cute to me HAHAHAH

'i want to write ideas outside my reqs' if itll be easier than making reqs then do it. its ok. tumblr is nothing in comparison with your comfort.

<3 <3

'while rereading it i was like 'damn im really good at writing’' its good bc you are. hope you get out too. praying for you, m cutie.

thank you i love you

'i want a hug from you for real' oh nooo sweetheart no need to cry. i only can give you dozens of virtual hugs but still luvluvluv u<з

did you watch doctor who? i wanted to recommend s6 but then i understood there you cant watch just one ep bc 1-7 is the whole complete plotline💀 but it was so confusing and dramatic it worth it.

lol ok once i finish my midterms ill watch that after watching one ep from the last of us. now i have something to look forward to now i have to finish my activities

'ive seen crack edits' OH babygirl TT they had SUCH a drama TT i cried. there was my fav quote. oh what a good time it was...

they look like they have so much fun, both in the show but also shooting it irl

'i cant write it im sorry' it fine you shouldnt be sorry!

T_T

'She loves her love for daemon more than daemon himself?' yes.

damn ok HAHAH

'i literally make mood boards' and its even more time-consuming?

but its part of the process. i love making art and moodboards <3

'have not enjoyed writing a series in a long time' im glad to know you enjoy it!!

<3 it is so much fun to write that. it sucks that i find it hard to write, though i did manage to make a pedro pascal fic again AHAHHA

'i might really just stop writing for a while' if thats what you need then ok. you do owe nothing to anyone. its solely your choice.

thank you my love

'this post is really cute too' OMG YES its a leaf dragon TT and it has the paws TT

THE BEANZ I LOVE THE PAW PAW BEANS

'im currently in class not listening because id rather reply to you' bad example for kids, catmom. but ok its good to know you already know it. its cute what you do to reply me<з r u better?

i never said you should follow my example. listen to your teachers kid. also idk if im better im usually out of it when im hungry im quite hungry rn but ill eat later after my grunkle is finished eating

'its so hot my head hurts' FREEZY KISSES

thank you. it rained today, so its not hot. your freezy kisses did that

'the fact you care enough to do that' OFC I DO. if i have symbols ill write one idea here.

T_T im just really hungry but this is making me emotional T_T

'i dont want to fail' you will not. youre smart, talented and hard-working. you wont fail. youll graduate and everythingll be just fine.

thank you <3 T_T

'i also wanted to share this video about wolves' omg yes! its so.. reliving? its good to know nature has its ways. sorry i wasnt able to watch the tiger series as i cant really concentrate on the long vids and has been sleeping and dozing off for the whole day TT ill definately watch it later though.

you dont have to watch the tiger series if you dont want to. i only shared it because i liked it and you shared something you like to me. i love the wolf video so much. i love nature. i love God. i love everything <3

AJDHFJKF half an hour ago i was like hm i need to check smth on youtube and got completely carried away TT im back though.

me HAHAAH

yk i read a fic abt shadow & bone

omg you like shadow and bone too <3 SLAY IM SO EXCITED TO WATCH S2

then i did a research abt whole grishaverse so i learnt this universe and its (ESPECIALLY) language are inspired by russia in 19th century and russian and mongolian and i have LOTS of questions TT like???

i know you dont have tiktok but there is this tiktok creator that is think is like... from one of the stan countries, and she talked about what you just told me, or things like that. its really interesting to know there is a grishaverse! good for you hahahh you can understand the russian stuff/inspo cause youre russian <3

ok this main idk antagonist(?) darklings name is alexander morozovA and its the fem form of last name while the fem character has surname safin but its a musc form??? and yeah the main characters surname starkov is also the musc form??

i think slay i love that for them i didnt even know that but they totally did it for me <3 HAHAH

these are real last names here TT and while i can get why fem characters have musc last names 1) musc is the first form so its not rare to see musc words with the fem characters in foreign things 2) they dont derive from the real russian word BUT HIS last name???? its THE MOST common, traditional and productive way to make a surname its literally a rus word+suffix ov+ no enging if its musc or ending a if its fem. WHY??? so many questions and no answers (or i wasnt searching for them).

i dont think i understand this anymore. AHHA i dont know enough about russian/russian names to get it AHHAH. maybe they did it for the aesthetic. are you watching season 1? or season 2? all i know is i was so sosoossosososo excited to see ben barnes my benny barnes who i keep having a crush on in every stage of my life. how dare he be so hot T_T

and why tf they are GRISHA TT grisha is just the form of name Grigorii WHY TF the whole social group is called GRISHA? i have a few questions to the language but ok i wont be ranting too much. like i was SO amused. i laughed so hard TT

it makes me wonder if the original creator of this world, the author or the books, is russian. i just looked it up, apparently she is israelli-american interesting lol HAHAHAH

ok i was about writing a fic idea but i got too carried away by this. so plss really let me know if you feel like it can spoil your mood or youre tired of others reqs. i consider it pretty (my bestie said its cliche and too suppy :( ) and would like too see it. but i dont want to force you. and you shouldnt do it to yourself! i dont want you to feel pressed bc of me. bc of anything really. sorry for this outburst. im still procrastinating (clown emoji bc the site i was taking them from became shitty).

jokes on your friend i love cliche stories. yum yum yum HAHAHH. you should have just told me my love. i love hearing your ideas, even though i have no intention to write them. i love you so much dont apologize for 'this outburst'

hope you do better. have a good day/evening/night! freezy hugs to feel a lil better! luv u! take care<з

im going to eat then do homework <3 i hope you have a wonderful day <3 take care ok

xxx

[starsdailyjournal]

Funfacts!!

I think I am a lot of things, personally (gay (hmu ladies)) and I wanted to boast about what a cool gal I am! And since my account is sort of about mental health I wanted to tell yall about some of the things I've faced as someone who has had a poor one for most of their life because 1 I like to talk about myself and 2 I want more people talking about the less discussed parts of mental health because everyone deserves to tell their story without having to feel like their's is too gross or different.

Lemme start with some red flags

I TWEAK over adopt me like I spend real money and time on that game it's unhealthy

I was gonna start and internet based cult and become a diety so that I could fake my death and ask for offerings before I go (adopt me pets) but I gave up

I have 5 stick and poke tattoos I did with no tutorials (they look super cool (they dont))

One of those tattoos are vampire bite marks (I did yesterday its the best decision I ever made)

I never EVER use tutorials I wing it every time with everything like I cut my own hair with scissors from the kitches without even LOOKING AT A PICTURE I just hope it looks cool and emo and that my bangs will make me partially blind

Whenever I do wing it, it always works out (im a god)

I LOVE LOVE LOVE VAMPIRES hellsing ultimate is my fav anime ever and nothing can top it

I love the winter it's my fav season because it's so gloomy

I dress scene but I use only emo colors and I listen to only gabber and scene (my guilty pleasure is some pop)

I don't even look that scene because I can't go shopping BECAUSE IM BROKE and my mom thinks shes above thrifting (she lives in a one bedroom apartment infested with cockroaches) and my dad is always busy. But I diy all the rips in my clothes and try to do the best I can!!

Honestly my style doesnt need a label because idrc abt those I just wanna do what I wanna do frfr

I don't take my own advice sometimes

I'm a vampire

I'm pan in the worst way (I only care abt looks IDGAF abt gender)

I value looks A LOT

I hope that was red enough but here are my green flags!!!

I'm really smart though I don't look it at all (stereotypes are funny with me because I'm indian and REALLY alternative)

I'm really good at specifically math (because of trauma)

I'm trying to better myself

I LOVE MINECRAFT (and roblox but minecraft a little more)

I love to write

I love philosophy (I also hate it for moral reasons)

I like to draw a tad

I'm not british

I'm wise as hell and people should listen to my advice more frfr

ADHD (its a green flag idc)

I LOVE BFDI AND INANIMATE INSANITY IM AN OG BFDI FAN IVE BEEN WATCHING SINCE FOREVER (2016)

I love to read (but not digitaly it makes it weird)

I love spending time with my family (97% of the time)

I love money (its a GREEN flag to me (your so funny stars! (IkIk no need to aplaud) *applause*)(*blushes cutely*))

I'm so funny

i have 30 dollars saved up (pls dont mug me!!)

Anyway I'll make posts on stuff like mental health, stuff I find funny or interesting or cool etc but I need to change out of this hoodie im getting way too sweaty

Edit: I'm not recoloring this post bc its rlly annyoing to do it and like I can't even seen anything outside of dark red and black on my laptop so like

[mikibwrites]

personal crap under the cut, massive tw for self harm and the thoughts that go along with that.

I wanted to apologize for my absence on here lately. I know you've seen me reblogging n liking sometimes, and i do enjoy coming on here when i have a couple extra spoons bc I love reading everyone's wip posts and the like. When i have even more spoons i try and go back and comment on things i've read and try to be upbeat but most of the time it feels like a lie (not the things i say in comments i MEAN those i definitely mean all the wonderful things i have to say abt your fic, it just feels like im faking a smile for the moment when im making the comment if that makes sense idk)

the truth is i'm not okay. i haven't been okay in....a long time. up until a couple of months ago i was pretty good at masking but it's like i've lost the ability to even do that. i go to work and do what i can to get thru the day. i come home and i barely speak. my husband worries, i know he does, but he doesn't know what to do. the other day at work i dropped a paper clip on the floor while trying to clip some papers together and my mind immediately went "you deserve to die a painful death". and i just thought....yeah. true.

i'm not going to do it. i know im not. mostly in life i tend to just hurt myself in ways that linger. burns. hitting myself till i bruise. stop eating. eat too much. things like that.

also i isolate. i isolate so much that i lose decades long friendships. just bc i can't find the wherewithal to respond to a message. and they end up thinking its their fault when its not. not at all. but then what else are they supposed to think when i essentially ghost them? when i have absolutely zero ability to keep up a convo even in DMs. if You're reading this (which im sure You're not bc why would you) Im sorry. I've thought about you at least once a day every day since you left. I honestly do not know if i could've done better. maybe i was always a piece of shit. You definitely deserve better. You don't want to know nor should you care what i did to myself after i read your last message. bc it is no way your fault and you should not feel anything abt it. but. yeah.

i'm talking abt this friendship i lost and i don't even know when it happened. it feels like it was yesterday. but i could have been years for all i know. time doesn't make sense anymore. i don't sleep. i don't take care of myself. i'm a shell. and yet i get up and go to work every day bc i will be homeless if i don't.

i don't even really know what i'm trying to say here. i guess maybe im trying to tell anyone i've befriended in any of my fandoms that im still here but im not like...here. and im not okay. not by a long shot. but like. i'm trying. also i see every time someone tags me and it makes me ache bc even if it's a copy/paste of a prewritten list, someone remembered i exist today, outside of what people need from me. i have given all of myself and my psyche to a job i used to love but now cannot stand. it's nice to feel acknowledged by someone who doesn't want anything from me other than to show me something they're proud of. it's nice.

so anyway. sorry for the steam of consciousness. i just. needed to say something somewhere. and also apologize for ghosting anyone. i tend to do that.

[rexaleph]

rotating Francesca Bianchi in my mind

Tyger Tyger is the only sample out of my excessive birthday present to myself that came with a broken atomizer and it's the one i was most excited to try :( from what i can get from dabbing, which is suboptimal, the very very opening is a shockingly good realistic peach, but the whole thing quickly turns into whatever it is that made me hate Tom Ford Bitter Peach. cheap generically sweet incense cones. There's a chance better application might make me like it but idk. Trying to make sth expensive I don't like that much work for me - especially by spending more money! is prob a dumb move

Unspoken Musk is opens with that same obnoxious dissonant sweetness, but dry is if Carner Barcelona El Born had an element of soft furry animal. Still need to sit with it but not what I hoped for (soft dirty musk).

The Lover's Tale is like.... iris to seduce the iris hater (I am the iris hater). it's meant to be a leather but I don't get that at all, I get iris, but done in a way that's not reminiscent of old-fashioned cosmetics bc it doesnt come with a strong sweet floral. instead it has mimosa - delicate, spearminty-sweet-fresh powdery. which, I'm guessing mimosa is probably my favorite flower, the one floral fragrance I love with my whole chest - FM Une Fleur de Cassie, is primarily a mimosa. so the Lover's Tale to my nose is those two notes: oily, savory iris brightened with fragile mimosa. and there's other flowers and aldehydes and sandalwood for like a background floral sweetness, but iris and mimosa are like the two poles delineating the fragrance. Very cool, glad to have tried it.

Now as to sth I would - Sex and the Sea is pretty special. coconut for the coconut hater. tropical for the antitropicalist. candy for him (I'm him). it's one of those sweet tart friedly fruits beloved by the gender cowards (eau de rhubarbe, aventus perhaps, virgin island water certainly), but a little deep and strange and interesting. it reminds me of a candy from when i was a kid, i wanna say piña colada flavored, i'm picturing pale-yellow hard candies that leave your tongue sore. there is a bitter, soapy quality, maybe immortelle, that really conjures the irritating sharpness of the candies. it also makes the pineapple flip from candied-sweet to juicy leafy green. the projection remains sweet and rounded coconut-forward, but up close it's sharper, tart and lemony, plus salty myrrh and ambergris. final drydown is warm, friendly, a little spearminty sweet-spicy. certainly a version of the sweet opulence fantasy, but maybe a little too obvious an image. too straightforwardly beachy with the salt and the sun lotion and the pineapple. otoh is it maybe just my ideological opposition to coconut and beach cocktail perfume and if i hadn't seen the advertised notes could i love it uncomplicatedly? this is one i gotta show to some outside observers. also i now want to try the Sex and the Sea Neroli flanker, bc if it's the same thing refocused around neroli, maybe it'll be less heavy-handedly themed. people call it simpler and more wearable, which, yeah, maybe that's what i need from Sex and the Sea. it'll take it away from the dense richness of the fantasy perfume i was originally looking for, but maybe make for something i actually enjoy more. also, funnily enough as is i don't get any erotic associations even tho i love to be horny abt perfume AND one of my strongest erotic memories is swimming with someone when i was a teenager and feeling the jolt of body heat in cold water. like i can get there if i really think about it but it's not animalic or salty enough on its own. fruit is kinda inherently unsexy to me i guess.

anyway i was worried i wouldn't get along with the Francesca Bianchi DNA but i'm very interested in seeing what else they have going on. at first i thought i'd skip the leather-forwards outright because we have leather at home, boy do we ever have leather at home. but now i'm thinking if the Lover's Tale doesn't read as leather to me, maybe the others won't be redundant to what i already have either. much to think about. however i don't want to spend money on perfume anytime soon, i felt weird and bad doing it last time. maybe that was the main reason why i was deleting my perfume posts tbh.

[infernothechaosgod]

tw me screaming into the void (also alcohol and neglect i think but neglect is just mentioned and alcohol is for food and not drinking but i'm still putting a tw on that cuz ya know)

Feel free to skip this its just me talking abt things

Dude i usualy don't use this blog to talk about personal stuff because theres very little to talk about but my friends are probably asleep and others could get worried so I shall scream into the abyss that is this blog

I woudn't Say I'm harshly neglected like my family usualy gives me dinner when there home or if they know they won't be during dinner time theres usualy something left for me but most of my day i'm completly alone and the biggest issue for me is that I don't know when or for how long alone I am/will be so I don't know when I can start doing stuff outside my room (witch is Just a white void witch for my artist eyes is like the 4th stage of hell)

I mean like cooking or throwing trash out or just being out of my room BUT being alone so much leads to me randomly learning the most random hacks and abilities ever

I was Just cooking myself hard boiled eggs and thought id try to marinate them with soy sauce bc i just got some and saw that somewhere before and I looked it up it was easy recipe just like soy sauce water sugar and mirin but I didn't have mirin so I looked up what else I could use and it said sake or wine and my parents have this fancy as fuck for no reason bottle of wine from 1856 I belive? It's older than cartoons or sherlock is what i'm trying to say old as hell wine bottle on a shelf above fridge is just chills there more as a grand decoration you'll see if you step into the kitchen/living room/the place a bit behind kitchen we have less door on this floor than cats have fingers so you know

The thing is I immidietly think of that bottle i take it and I can't find the stuff you use to open it so I think i'll do it the other way where you stick a knife into the plug then twist it and pull it out and uhhhh

Things didnt go well because I pushed the plug into the bottle, and at first i'm like "oh i'll take a single Bowl we own because my mother took all the others and I'll pour all the wine into it and with the wine the plug will also come out than i'll just take the little wine i need pour the rest back in and put the plug back in and poof were done!" but then I realize it's a fucking plug and it's too big to go through so i'm panicking thats some expensive ass wine and my dad would be probably ok with it cuz it's still in a Bowl so the wine itself is fine But my mother and ana? Yea they'd explode over that

So i'm out there finding ways to pull out a plug out of a wine bottle and this trick where you flip the bottle upside down and make sure the plug is close to the entrace then put a bag in a bottle and blow into it then pull that out so maybe the plug will like stick with it and also come out after some rlly harsh pulling

So I try that and I try that over and over i like cut the bag so it'll fit better i find like 5 diffrent ways to put the bag in the bottle and be able to blow into it and after an hour it works finally

So now I know 3 things from that

1 never open the bottle of wine with a knife and your eyes open cuz thats not gonna end well for both you and the wine

2 putting a plastic bag in a wine bottle while the plug is stuck in, blowing and yainking that can seriously help

3 wine fr helps with the flavor of soy sauce, like I didnt expect that maybe i just put in the perfect amount of sugar but it teasted sm better than normaly

I'm probably never gonna do that again (at least for just myself) because I do plan on never drinking wine or alcohol on it's own but who knows maybe i'll mess up in the kitchen again or a friend of mine will mess up like me now who knows

[highschool-rooftop]

oct. 27th, 2020

man its weird to think this blog is 2 years old isnt it? like when I started this i thought that i was anyday from just killing myself, i had no hope, no job, and was about to love my living situation but thanks to a few nice friends and accepting people, i was able to land a job at *generic sounding name for local seafood joint* and then after that place stressing me to the point of panic attacks and taking it out on the wait staff... then i ended things nice with that place despite how much i hated it and i apologized to the wait staff alot.. probably too much...

now ive worked at *big store chain* a year now and i hate it just as much as i hated *generic sounding name for local seafood joint* for a similar reason too!! i fucking despite the people that run the places i work because i know i could probably do their job 30× better, i just choose not to because thats also 30× more responsibility on my shoulders and ive already got broken legs from the shit i feel like im dealing with outside of work.

the more i focus for a minute the more i feel like my life is in shambles and that im barely functioning right anymore. ive been horribly depressed again as of the past couple months and my family i live with barely talk to me because im always in my room which is like totally fair, but if im not sleeping up there im using whatever energy is left from work to hang out with my friends because theyre actually engaged in the topics i talk about, they show interest and actually talk to me not at me. my aunt and uncle and i have few interests in common so its incredibly difficult for me to keep a conversation going for long with them. theyre always playing card games or board games but im not interested in them, theyre not really that fun for me. my uncle plays xbox but hes typically on COD which i dont enjoy because of how toxic those communities are, hes got minecraft but the last time he played he never told me he was getting on at all otherwise i would've joined! then theres me and my cousin who are currently on nearly completely different schedules and really only see each other when hes taking me to and from work which makes it hard to hang out and play games, and thats of hes even willing to play any of the games im comfortable with and not trying another Survival-Crafting-RPG-Game of the week or something like factorio which is hyper complicated and i dont have the time to dedicate to learning how to play correctly so i just end up being a resource collector and its kinda boring..

and all of thats just the at home situation. my friends at least hear from me more but since alot of them have moved out of town for college at this point i haven't hung out with a friend outside of work irl in like 5, maybe 6 months... and i dont interact with many people at work. im really really lonely.

small bit of good news i feel i should add here in case i dont come back again for a few months is that ive scheduled an appointment to see someone abt getting hrt, itll be Jan 19th! ill also be seeing a few of my online friends in December too!! i hope i can stay alive at least until then. sometimes i feel like im in the same situation i was in when i started this blog but those two things are the two things giving me the hope to keep pushing on i guess.

oh and my old friends birthday will be this weekend, i probably shouldve just forgotten them by now like they probably have me but in the off chance that they ever find this stupid blog: happy birthday BXXXXX, hope you have been in good health and that you are happy ! please be well and enjoy Freddy VS Jason and the Scary Godmother, and the live action Scooby Doo movies again this year !

with that i think thats all ive had to say. im neglecting mentioning new speaker of the house, Mike Johnson, and all the terrible horrible things i want to say abt him and how im worried it will fuck with my healthcare before i even recieve it due to the fact that im typing this up outside, its cold out, my phones almost dead, im tired, and i still have a bit of this bowl of the married iguanas to finish up with before unwinding and going to bed to repeat this living nightmare of a life all over again tomorrow. maybe ill watch adventure time before bed ..?