#like its literally just because im not at school as much as i need to be.
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hii, i hope youre doing well today and i was curious about some things about your ed (possible tw later?). I've been in your situation (somewhat, not to this extent) and am currently bul1mic with exercise as the form of purging/slowly healing idk. I wanted to know first of all how do you manage to burn more than 1k calories in a day because that is literally INSANE, I never thought that its possibls so I'm really really curious about your methods.
I also wanted to know your opinion on healing and the ed itself. Do you wish you never had one, do you hate counting c@ls, do you miss your life before the ed? Did it help you in any way (did you notice physical changes)? Are you experiencing any health problems because of it, are you dizzy or yellowish, have you ever fainted? Do you feel proud when skipping meals or anybody points out something ab the ed? Do you wish to heal but don't have the courage/will to, are you forced into healing, are you comfortable in the ed and want to continue and not start a healing process? How do you feel when you overeat or can't exercise the c@ls out? How do you feel about the future, do you wish to continue like so, do you wish to heal or neither of them?
I know it's A LOT of questions actually and I'm really sorry about it, I will explain now. When I was deep in my ed I never actually thought about it and what is going on with my life and I'm genuinely curious as to how it sounds and how my perspective was, I'm really trying not to offend you right now so please don't answer to anything if I'm offending you in any way!!
Hii I'm fine with any questions but damn that's alot (not in a negative way just alot of words and im bad at reading large groups of text)
First of all tw for ed stuff anyone that doesnt want to see this
with the burning 1k c4ls. my (almost) daily exercise typically burns around 500-700. secondly im a minor, im in school, pe is a legal requirement and that burns between 300-900 depending on what we do so combining those i can burn up to 1600 a day or if i do my normal stuff for twice as long that can also reach 1000 which i sometimes do on weekends when i have more time.
healing is something which if you want i highly encourage you get. i wish i had never gotten one, i wish i had never started counting c4ls, i wish i had spoken to someone before it got worse. i no longer feel like im able to get help and ive gotten myself to deep in the rabbit hole to get my mindset out so if you want help and its never to late then do it. get the help you need ill support you all the way.
i hate counting c4ls. i only eat in public when i have to and i always have to secretly look at the c4ls and hope nobody sees. ive written them on my hand afew times when theyre really random numbers and have been questioned about it so just had to lie to my friends which i hate doing. life before an ed fells like it would be so much more free and i would be more careless and do whatever i want without wondering how many c4ls in burning/gaining from that activity. if i could go back to when i started having an ed i absolutely would and change whatever i can to not end up like this.
the only physical symptom ive had is my stomach getting smaller but im waiting for the day my thighs / ass (idk what a more appropriate name would be) get smaller as they make me insecure. im not sure if its from having an ed but im almost always dizzy espescially when i stand up to fast. ive never fainted or been yellowed.
when i skip i dont feel proud more like im doing something correct and nobodys ever pointed out an ed but if they did i would deny it but secretly be proud someone noticed. i dont want to heal. i might have in the past but currently i have no plan to. i want to continue my ed without help. (my mindset is just 'if its a problem its your job to fix it' and i dont want to fix it). ive been put in counselling which has 6(i think) sessions left but if they think im really bad then i might be put in actual therapy. ive hinted about an ed with things like 'i often skip meals' and 'i just forget' or 'i dont have an appetite' and secretly hope they might catch on and get me help.
when i overeat or cant burn the c4ls i just feel sick and like im a failure. theres not really anything else i just feel bad and like i failed at having an ed. for the future my main goal is to reach my ugw and stay there getting lower if possible but not higher unless i really want help.
That was alot of questions but i feel like this is a place where i can talk about whatever(especially my ed) without anyone judging me or knowing who i am. im glad i could think about my ed on a deeper level other than just 'hmm weight be gone pls' so like thanks?? idk i hope i answered everything i might have missed a question. im always open to any question anyone has i just like talking to people and getting to know them.
#3d but not sheeren#ed blr#ed but not ed sheeran#tw @na#tw disordered thoughts#tw ana bløg#tw ed ana#3d not sheeran#3ating d1sorder#3d blog#3ating disord3r#tw 3ating d1sorder#3d diary#disordered eating mention#tw eating issues#eating disoder trigger warning#tw ed implied#ed blogg#4anorexi4#4nor3xia#4norexla#tw 4n4rexia#4n4blr#4n4rexia#34t1ng d1s0rd3r#4n@diary#i just want to be thin#4ana#4n4m1a#tw ana rant
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mtt therapy moment except dust keeps taking breaks to talk to phantom papyrus and horror just wants this to hurry up so it can get to his turn because he couldn't give two shits about dust and killer's trauma and killer physically cannot discuss his issues and just starts zoning out while crying for some reason during it
and i'm the therapist listening to all of this writing down notes fervently because ITS CANON MATERIAL CANON I NEED TO GET THE CANON MATERIAL
#i have to break apart like 34 potential fights with my otherdimensional godly creator powers#i would be an ass therapist i will not lie. infact i would make them worse with my knowledge of their lives. never put me in a room w them#OH MY GOD I JUST REVISTED THIS IDEA AFTER LEAVING IT TO COLLECT DUST (hehehe) IN MY DRAFYS FOR A MONTH#ANS TJIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY HELP 😭😭😭😭😭 HELP😭😭😭😭😭😭#still real tho highkey i havent changed 1 bit. ITS CANON OMG WRITE THSY DOWN WHAY WERE THE EXACT REACTIONS#ive got these guys wearing microphones i got cameras in the room i got advanced psychologists watching to explain every detail#is it a therapy session or just a badly disguised interview#nooo nooo its therapy......DONT LEAVS!!!! (activates the chains (that coincidentally all are connected to eachother) (heheheheh))#now youCANT leave😈😈😈😈😈 not until im done asking my questions ASSHOLES. dont question the handcuffs that keep you guys together please#actually id probably get like nothing out of them because theyre all repressed and defensive and whatever. BUT im simply more determined so#tricule rant#killer sans#horror sans#dust sans#murder time trio#utmv#sans au#fandom event if the mtt ever became real. we're all lining up to the facility to ask one question#world's hardest challenge: if you could ask the murder time trio one thing what would it be#FUCK idk...... id simply hav too many questions!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!#triglycercule do your homework SHUT UO RESPONSIBLE VOICE IN MY HEAD!!!! I WONT!!!!! NOT UNTIL THIS IS DONE#fall headcanons for the trio when. i'll think of them once i'm done with homework#see a reward system! now i have a thought that i dont wanna say in tags this will be going to the side blog#anyways! i think that's enough drafts undrafted and posted i REALLY need to do my homework#i dont even have that much it's literally 2 assignments but i know damn well doing 1 of them is gonna bring me to dream and nightmare's age#sigh......... i hate school bring me back to summer break i wasSO productive. SMH
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I have a enemies to lovers-lovers to enemies toxic yuri story with mattel i guess
#ever after high#eah#mattel#seriously i prefer the mattel winx and disney princess dolls#i hate on mattel but there is always worse things#they are bad with quality but they serve face i guess#im not okay thinking about eah again ofc..#i want to collect every eah thing#and i just found about kuu kuu harajuku and now im in love ugh i love dolls#enchantimals still exists and guys tbh i think i need to have its media because its what we still have from eah#like its an spin off and even tho i like mh g3 its like the monster high less related to eah yknow#so enchantimals is literally what was left#there were some things that could be released but werent#like the duchess lets down her hair book#and an apple playset called back to school#as much as i hate the most recent eah dolls this was an okay one#i was looking over the dolls and now i find some of them really pretty lmao#the line book party is all good but the kitty doll is 10/10 seriously i love her#and cedar birthday ball is actually so pretty? i used to hate birthday ball and hated their colorful hairs but i love her now#and these lines mentioned are still with the old facemolds and are fully articulated#i just found out about the eah merch site so im unwell#sorry i have lots of thoughts mattel is probably responsible for all my problems and blessings#the day it was oficially confirmed that eah was cancellef was 08/28/18#the same day the book duchess lets down her hair was supposed to be released#we lost so much dude
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i dont think he's shadow's best va but i think david humphrey definitely suits his character best (at least my version of how canon shadow should act). he has the ability to sound menacing but isn't overly aggressive; he can be gentle when needs be.
i particularly like his more monotone performance adds to it because it isnt so far as to sound unenthusiastic (as an actor) but it gives off the feeling that he's uninterested to those who don't know him, portraying the misunderstood side well. at the same time this adds to shadow being easy to view as autistic, which is obviously going to please me, an autistic person, and help me relate.
im glad he's not the exclusive VA for shadow, because i dont think he would have thrived in his more "edgy" mischaracterisations later (NOT counting shth because even if it is ridiculously edgy at times THE WHOLE! POINT! OF THAT GAME! IS THAT THE PLAYER! DECIDES! SHADOW'S! MOTIVES!). even when shadow is portrayed in a more nuanced light, eg 06, prime, it isn't quite the same way as he was in sa2 and heroes. neither have a major focus on maria or anything to do with the ark in shadow's story, and while heroes doesn't either, i think with the general tone of the game (and also with it being aimed at a younger demographic) shadow does get to express himself way differently through the level dialogue, a more informal way of communicating character, than in cutscene dialogue.
to be fair i have never played 06 so i dont know the level dialogue in that!!! but also out of the 3 iterations i just listed that one has the oldest target audience (heroes is PEGI 3, prime would probably be PEGI 7 and 06 is PEGI 12). and obviously theres no level dialogue in prime lol.
anyway hope you enjoyed my yapping about david humphrey shadow 👉👈
#sonic#shadow the hedgehog#btw most of my knowledge of humphrey as shadow is based on sonic heroes where. well. most of the time you are on his side#rather than sa2 where he's set up as a villain#anyway all of this makes sense in my head but please tell me if its word salad#im not trying to sound smart or anything but i felt kinda pretentious writing this#OH CRAP I JUST REALISED I HAVE AN ENGLISH LIT ESSAY DUE TOMORROW RAAAAAA#its 3 paragraphs and i *have* written 3 paragraphs but i was really not having it when i was writing so there are like no quotes and#the intro is actual 🤘bogus🤘. sigh.#im too tired to get my copy of kite runner tho...#but also im pretty sure this one is graded...#ughhhhhh whatever if i get 1 C at the start of sixth form i doubt im not gonna be able to get an A or A*#plus i only need a B#(technically i only need a C but my predicted grades are Bs so school might get at me if i dont get them)#also if this sounds really crazy and like im setting high expectations for myself. unfortunately ive always had high grades#but i dont feel very smart either way (probably because most of my friends are the type that dont try and do better than me).#plus i go to a super prestigious college that expects nothing but the best (its literally a feeder school for ox-bridge)#sigh. one english essay isnt going to change much
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its me and my inability to compromise against the world
#i hate it when plans are changed i fucking hate it so much#i desperately need to rant about this im having an awful time ..Augh#my dad lost his job and is selling his house. we have at MOST 3 weeks to get out of here#so wrre moving to the house next to my moms. my grandpa owned b4 he died. HOWEVER#i hate that house its dirty as hell. i cant live with my mom theres barely 2 rooms there and i currently sleep on a couch in the living roo#there are 3(?) bedrooms where my dad is moving and they are SIGNIFICANTLY smaller than. literally everything#so well have. not a lot of space. not to mention that all the rooms are shaped so fucking weird. shitty old house bonus#literally everything has the fucking landlord special cause my mom used to rent it except all of the tennants were jerks#so the house has A Vibe. /neg. and its a weird combo of dustu and sticky#Im getting off topic.#i was allowed to choose my room a while back and we all agreed on everything and made plans and thought everything was set in stone#the room i was supposed to get is small asf and has slanted walls. (attic room ig) but it was fine#but my mom was like noo! actually! your older brother is getting that room! we never agreed on anything!!#whicj is AWFUL#i HATE CHANGE#AND. i wish you could see the room im supposed to have now but im at My dad's rn#its so fucking small. the water heater is in there. there's a low hanging fucking duct pipe or whatever right by the door#its pink#it smells like shit#ots right next to the washer and dryer.#there is no light. i hate it so much#ITS SMALL. AND JUST FUCKING SUCKS#i might sound like a dick but everything is so stressful rn i dont want to move school starts in 2 weeks i dont know my schedule i don't#have anyone to talk to. we're all fucking broke as hell and my mom refuses to help my dad because. i dont even know why#sorry. btw#i need someone to talk to so bad#they won't get me a therapist because 1 its not covered by insurance and 2 my dad lost his job and said insurance#i can't get a job because i can't drive and am so mentally fucked up and its so hard for me to do literally anything#i cry at the most insignificant situations and im always on the verge of tears#i get overstimulated so easy i can't fucking do this
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Really struggling with trying to figure out what's me. Like what I enjoy and what ideas/traits/desires are actually my own. I think it's beautiful that people influence each other and grow together, but I'm left feeling lost right now and wondering what's actually me.
#idk ive been thinking about it a lot and really struggling#hard also to tell what's the depression and whats actually something i don't care about#i feel like i can say that playing world of warcraft was something that came from me.#but it started feeling like a chore in Dragonflight so i stopped playing.#and now everything feels tainted by other's influence and i dont know whats me anymore.#although i do need to remember that i did start playing Dragon Age on my own but it only feels like it was influenced by others because#i discovered my one irl friend used to love the games and then i got my other irl friend playing them#but i dont know how much of going into physics was my own choice or just following the path i saw before me#although i loved physics when i started doing mechanics in calculus and thought it was so cool#then i found accelerator science and detectors and nuclear physics to be so cool when i did an internship at a national lab#and then i took the most direct route to get into doing research at that lab#but things have gotten so lost and tangled up with all the horrible stuff that grad school puts you through#and the horrible stuff from this collaboration in particular#that it feels like all thats left is shame and fear and none of the wonder or curiosity#everything i do or write or whatever feels like an opportunity to 'get found out' as a fake or just fill me with shame#i thought that getting a job offer would fix me and help me get through the bullishit but the pressure is makikg things worse#and with this job im wondering if im just doing what im told and being influenced by other's suggestions and wants.#(dont go to grad school. its literally the worst thing you can do for your mental health)#vent#okay this actually kind of helped so im glad I made this post#feel free to reblog if you relate
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No but like. Men could be the lowest of the low, not be knowing the most basic shit, inept at wit or anything else pertaining to the brain or mind or conscious, and yet the audacity be there. Like. How.
#legit listening to my brother tall of how many qualities he has which mainly just includes having a nice face and using his voice#like this is the dude who is in his last year of high school and absolutely refuses to look at a book for more than half an hour a day#you can imagine the amount of basic knowledgeable he would have with that time period dedicated to studies (not even dedicated hes forcedto)#he knows nothing of the most basic thing needed in class#knows nothing of even the language subjects#and yet thinks just because he can talk he can land a job#theres delusional and then theres this piece of shit#like this family is on the verge of struggling financially and this dude decides to use the lakhs of the rupees worth of tution to eat out#with friends and learn NOTHING#like#im legit so. like i wish he would succeed in life by the sheer power of luck and wishes bc god knows hes a degenerate#yet we care enough to not have him roam around like how it looks like he might bc lets be real if not that he'll end up being a worse pain#but seriously tho how does one be SO behind the very fundamental of human experience and still think their gaming skills and music taste#can save them in this world?#this dude is more or less addicted to his phone and literally like im not exaggerating hes so dumb you have one conversation with him and it#becomes glaringly obvious bc hes so delusional about it that he talks with full confidence but you realise hes not really talking hes just#spitting bs that hes heard on youtube 😭#not to drag him or anything but im seriously so sympathetic. how much of an idiot do you have to be?#to think HIGH SCHOOL education is worthless? hIGH SCHOOL. Tgats like. the very bottom of it.#worst part is he refuses to acknowledge he should get better 🗿#so theres no point in helping bc its one steo forward ten steps back with him#and also feels shitty as fuck to be guiding a fucking 18 yo thru SCHOOL#its fucking SCHOOL FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
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aaaaaaaaaaaghhh sees my gpa and frowns
#i mean i still have this whole year but oh my goddd#i wanna go into geology but idk if ill fucking be able tooo#i wish i didnt stay home as much due to mental illness fuckking ughhhhhhhhhhhh#like its literally just because im not at school as much as i need to be.#its my own fucking fault#ugh i hate thinking about this shit its terrible it makes me so stressed goddamnit
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people are so so inexplicably comfortable being fuckin weird as hell about trans men
#on two separate occasions in the last few months cis woman '''allies''' i know have said weird as hell shit about trans men to me!!!#as if i would agree#helloooo#in the first case we were talking about the trans military ban and she was like ''well i kinda understand because of the issue of.. rape..''#maybe its just me projecting but that skeeved me the hell out!#the assumption that trans men are walking vaginas 'woman enough' for these supposed animalistic cis men to ravage#im not denying that very much could be a problem but what the fucking hell.#tell me im not crazy for thinking this is a strange thing to say.#for that to be The Reason she can understand why trans people shouldnt be in the militaru#like.i think a more normal thing to say would be like.#'well trans people tend to be on meds and if you need regular meds to function regardless of what kind you cant be in the military'#right???????????????????????#and then of course yesterday the sponsor of my schools gsa told a literal fucking out trans man ''#well trans men actually arent as big of victims of misogyny because as men they perpetuate it''#pls. what. hello. ????????????????. why would you say this. fully confidently.
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i am severely upset at the sexyman polls for this year. yeah its absolutely because im biased and not a single one of the mtt won. but killer vs error is still going on you say!!! NO,,,,, killer's lost,,,,, its 70 error 30 killerISH so yeah,,,,, none of the mtt MADE!!!! IT!!!! and with the boom in killer content these past few months i wasSO FUCKING SURE that he'd like AT LEAST get higher up. nope. because of ERROR. listen i like him. he was my og bias when i first joined this fandom. i was an error fanatic. but bro,,,,, bro,,,,,,,,, killer,,,,, lost,,,,,, AND FUCKING HORROR AND DUST LOST TOO!!!! LIKE WHAY. WHAT. PUTTING HORROT AGAINST ERROR AND DUST AGAINST CROSS!!!! THEYRE LITERALLY BOTH THE TWO GUYS THAT (1/2 of them) WON LAAT YEAR!!!! OF COURSE THEYRE GONNA BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THE MTT!!!!! this is very upseting im really sad imMAD. but no point in being a sore loser.... mtt won in my HEART 🧡
dust laughing at both horror and killer for getting the shit beaten out of them by error and then they bring up the fact that he lost to CROSS. this is the second time someone in the mtt lost to cross (theyre all making out in the loser's room) (mtt poly real btw)
#sexyman polls but instead its all just mtt and peoples' aus and varients#i COULD NOT be able to vote. it would be hell for me WHO WOULD I CHOOSE#i CAN'T choose dude i literally wouldn't be able to at all#do i vote for og mtt my pookies??? or jk mtt my besties???? or mst my children????? WHO DO I VOTE FOR#i think i would be biased to the murder swap trio. i haven't mad any content for them at all but like#i spent my TIME and EFFORT into them. and they are cool ngl i really like their concepts#too bad swapinverse isnt seeing the light of day until goddamn 2026 or something because i cant be bothered to make content of it#oops! savior mania paranoia you guys are JUST FOR ME. just me only! nobody else gets to see you guys#or literally anyone else in swapinverse.... i love swapinverse.#they need to make the tag limit like 60 or something i have too many thoughts#quite a few too many times on my posts have i hit the limit and then had to choose#my tags trembling in fear as i pick and choose which to delete in order to make space for the fandom tags#tricule rant#i still have more tags time toRAMBLE!!! i love the idea of dust and horror having opposite ish souls#like dust's soul is PACKED with magic. like crackling and sparking and glowing purple with just how much he has in there bc of his LV stuff#i dont believe in the idea that dust suffers physically from LV or whatever because like. when has that EVER happened#its a cool idea though and i get to pick and choose which headcanons i believe in as god of these fictional characters and creations#anyways OBVIOUSLY horror's soul is dim and shriveled and looks like a fucking dead leaf. because lack of food lack of magic#even though he very clearly DOES have a lot of magic and shows it multiple times in horrortale.....#ok triglycercule you keep contradicting yourself. stop it. BUT THERES TOO MANY MTT HCS OUT THERE!!! AND SOME OF THIS IS CANON!!!!!#god the mttverse is gonna kill me one day too many interpretations TOO MANY CHOICES#anyways i just like that soul idea bc of the contrast. dust too much magic horror not enough. horrordust real#and then killer pulls up with his yn main character ass unique soul with stages#the GET OUT sound effect plays. anyways they all love eachothers souls and unique differences in them#everyday im reminded of the fact that killer is a little. just an EENSY bit more of a special character that horror or dust#he has too much shit going on someone assassinate him. preferably two fellas with names starting with H and D alternatively M#i love coming up with various sayings to kill/shut myself up. someone sedate me#i just remembered this dream where i say to my friend i hope ___ gets into a sticky situation#and then ___ goes into a bathroom comes out and then someone else says ___ WHY ARE YOU ALL STICKY#it was so funny i laughed myself awake. it was SO funny. i saw this person in school today
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hmmmmmm.................vent post under tags...... feel free to give advice or dont¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#i think this is an autism related thing#but i genuinely feel like i wasnt made right for the world we live in#like something is just missing from me that ive never seen ppl talk about#and i know this is going to sound entitled and privileged and i KNOW i know i promise and im so lucky i can even be thinking about this but#it feels weird to have the privilege to be scared#this is specifically in regards to working#like having a job. like going to work#i feel like im missing an extremely important part of my brain or my BEING that is capable ot going through the motions of participating#in society. i never felt that switch of wanting to get a job in high school to make money for myself and get that experience#i feel like there's something i MISSED where everyone took a class on how to apply and go to interviews and write resumes and not be scared#like i NEED to be walked through every SINGLE step because i dont know HOW#and i see my peers and the literal entire world around me participating in this atmosphere and i dont know where to start#im fucking twenty three years old and ive only ever been an intern and an assistant#not even a full year of working#i cant drive and i probably wont ever because thats a whole other can of worms#and that means i have to rely on other people to even get to wherever it was i needed to go#i feel like a fucking child because im missing this knowledge that everyone else seems to have#ive tried i really have but none of it seems simple and its all so much and there arent steps to follow#i mean there ARE but its like 1) look up job 2) apply 3) interview 4) yay you're employed#and im talking about each micro step inbetween#what am i missing#and then theres the fucking demand avoidance that slaps me across the face whenever my mom brings it up to me like i KNOW youre being#supportive and encouraging and its not your fault my brain turns off and decides im full of shame bc i cant CONFRONT ANYTHING#jesus christ#manf i know u can see this maybe dont bring it up to mom i can do that on my own maybe#i WANT to help i just want to help at my own pace but unfortunately the world isnt built around individual paces and nothing revolves#around me. i know this#i want to help my mom i want her to never be stressed about money and to retire and never work or help me pay my student loans but i#genuinely feel like theres a switch that never turned on in my head and im being left behind and i genuinely dont know how to. like be alive
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hey i’m a mutual who dropped out in 7th grade and i just want u to know that things will be ok. i’m going back to school this year and like you can just stop either temporarily or permanently. i promise u it will be ok
:((( thank u so much this means a lot to hear . my plan has been to drop out for like two years at this point but i never really expected it to feel this much like a huge change even though it was always going to be. and my mother asked me if i just wanted to drop out when i told her i didn't want to go in today and it's sent me on a downward spiral. sorry for putting this on your dash board whoever is online and whoever saw it.
#ugh whatever sorry these tags r going to be so whiny don't look at them if u dont want to see that.#UGHHHEH its just so much. because at least having the option to have somewhere to go every day even if i never take it has been like.#almost some sort of comfort to me. because i don't want to sit around every day if it's not my choice to be doing so.#but i've never had a job. i don't know how to write a resume i don't know how to answer interview questions i don't know anywhere that#would take me that i can get to on my own since i can't drive. but if i don't get a job. i'll be sitting around broke and miserable until#applications for the course i want open up. and i don't know how to do that. the more i think abt it today the more dropping out feels#like the best option but it doesn't make it feel less like the huge step i know it'll be. i don't have a life without school. it's the only#place i ever see my few irls. it's my one source of human interaction every week. what do i do if it's not there for the next#half a year. assuming i passed the test i needed to pass and also get into the course i want. i don't know.#and everythings in my favour!! everything is going for me!! i have it easier than so many kids at my school!#my mother is a teacher and she gets me so many of the things i need because she knows the system. literally two weeks ago she got it set up#so that i don't have to go to one of my classes because it was making me miserable and i was complaining abt it constantly.#and i just feel bad that all of her effort will have gone to waste? i know she's done everything she can but it still hasn't fixed my#hatred for the school system and i feel so bad. I DONT KNWO WAHT TO DO!!! IM GOING TO KILL MY SELF!!!#whatever what ever. i;m overreacting it's what ever
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genuinely so angry and scared im shaking. how many other times this week this month this year have i been exposed without knowing it. do people even tell each other anymore. it’s just so grim. it’s so fucking grim
#purrs#delete later#covid19#i am fighting for my fucking life every day to stay safe and to keep the people around me some of whom are disabled / chronically ill /#immunocompromised / medically vulnerable safe. i am fucking fighting for my life. it’s already hard that i am usually one of two people in#any given room still wearing a mask let alone an n95 mask. hard and bad enough that we get looks for wearing masks and people think im crazy#for my life still being on hold and for my family still basically never going anywhere. ITS FUCKING WORSE that we are still very much in the#throes of all of it and we are in constant physical and quite frankly EXISTENTIAL danger not only of getting sick / becoming (more)#disabled / literally fucking dying but also returning to the absolute hell of lockdown which while important was psychologically damaging in#ways that are difficult to even articulate. like not only have we as a society decided to not give a shit about unpacking all of that and#healing from the trauma and assuming everyone went through the same thing when we very much did not and to just send everybody back to#school and work because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 but we have ALSO decided to pretend like the freakish unceasing danger just doesn’t exist#anymore and to get rid of every tool we had available to keep us safe or at minimum make people have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to#access them because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 !!!!!!! im TIRED. im so fucking tired of it. i am so fucking exhausted and angry and scared. and i#HAVE the luxury and privilege of being able to afford n95 masks and covid tests and to be able to work a job that i can do remotely if i#need to and to not be disabled or immunocompromised. what makes me fucking furious is we decided to throw all the people who don’t have#that access or privilege under the fucking bus and forget about them lol. but what do you expect from a country rotten to its core the way#it is lol. im fucking despondent. why are we living in an incinerator.#* the lockdown(s) werent just important they were necessary. and arguably we should have another one even though if we do i genuinely fear#for my mental health both during and afterwards and quite frankly before. im tired. i am grateful for the life i live which has resulted in#part from the different things that have happened because of the pandemic but i also so desperately wish this never happened and every day I#think about what life would be like if it hadn’t happened. the grief of it all is unspeakably big.
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I think the universe just hates me personally (can't find my scooby doo comics)
#WHERE ARE THEY#i own like 5 individual issues split between SD WAY and SD & batman adventures and i cant find like 4 of them#this is important bc i just got this new app where you track which comics youve read and i need to be accurate bc yay lists and just aaaggh#also sidenote i think ive found my soulmate this one person leaves a review on each and every WAY comic and they EVEN AGREE WITH ME#literally they said they hated over the boardwalk and i was literally like 'i think im in love'#also i know you guys almost certainly dont know what that is. i have an insanely unporportional hatred of that story especially compared to#its relevancy to scooby comics much less scooby doo as a whole#however i hate it so fucking much its unreal. like pure rage. its worse than scooby apocalypse to me <<<<absolutely nonsensical opinion#anyways feel free to ask me about it (i dare you. i dare you to do it) because i WILL fume with rage and i think that must be heard#but i will not go into a scooby comics rant unprompted. because before i subject you to that i need to know that at least 1 person is#remotely interested lol#also to properly form my rant id have to make myself read over the boardwalk again 🤢🤢🤢 <<<again nonsensical response#and i wont do that for me but id do it for any of you in an instant#ANYWAYS WHERE ARE MY COMICS. LITERALLY ONLY MY SCOOBY ONES (minus one sd & batman issue) ARE MISSING#my far sector tpb? got it! the historical civil war comic i think my grandfather gave me in 5th grade? have that! the scooby doo comics?#gone. vanished from this plane of existence#actually i do know where they are. i have too many books to fit in my bookcase so theres a huge stack that takes up like part of a wall of#books and notebooks and folders and old school binders and other junk#................#goddamn it im going to go through that aren't i#this is gonna be a total mess dear lord#if i die know that i got crushed by a huge tower of books btw#anyways now time to go thru a bunch of trouble to track down like 3 single issues i KNOW i own#blah
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Trans kiryu is a genuinely funny hc because like trans majima is like oohh angst ohh she has to fight to be accepted she has to deal with people making fun of her for being a man in a dress she has to take into account her position and social standing and kiryu is literally just kiryu forever because the universe loves him too much to ever force him into a situation unless its to go to prison in which case hes like yayyy i love jail yayy yayyy
#Yakzua loveblog#im just talking to myself you guys dont need to read anything#in fact dont read this im going to talk about transphobic nishiki again anyway#my transphobic nishiki hc is the most important one to me because. like we all need to have some transphobic people in our lives#i do think that nishiki calls him ‘kiryu’ even though theyre best friends forever because when nishiki will always accidentally say his#deadname instead of ‘kazuma’ even though i know that nishiki is literally the one who gave him the name kazuma to make fun of kiryu for#thinking hes a boy and it just kind of stuck but nishiki eventually stuck. with calling him kiryu because thats how he prefers to be called#they are bestfriends for a reason .... and nishiki is the only one kiryu will let be transphobic towards him because theyve known each other#for forever and he knows he means no harm by it like he will still hit him but nishiki takes it in stride because its their thing and its#never not funny to make kiryu annoyed like for anyone else its an uncrossable line but once a month nishiki will lead kiryu into the womens#section to shop for new clothes and kiryus like Somehow i always knew you wore womens jeans and nishikis like HEY !!!!#but as kids they were always very cute because theyre always together and you can never really tell whos following who because it seems like#theyre on the same wavelength until nishiki realises that life is so much easier when youre working smart so he went to work on his INT stat#while kiryu never stopped being a wild animal like hes literally some sort of monkey to me sorry for dehumanising him because of his autism#like i adore his ‘own little bubble’ way of life as long as he’s physically okay kiryus not going to complain about anything. like when he#said ‘i decide to do things based on whether i love it or hate it’ im like Yeah i bet you do. he sits outside the orphanage all day playing#with rocks until nishiki comes finds him then they both go outside to smash open windows with the rocks kiryu has gathered and kiryus in his#little skirt and he always uses it to carry things in you know how it is and he stopped going to school to be a bigger menace than everyone#anyway did i mention that the universe loves kiryu. especially his genes he was very lucky because he never had a big chest or nothing he#was always going to get tall and thick in the shoulders and beefy and when he cut his hair it just sealed the deal he passed with flying#colours like young children are indistinguishable by gender unless they have a big pink bow in their hair but kiryu radiated masculinity#from a young age and his aggressive way of life didnt help. well it helped a lot actually. a lot of people were scared of him and nishikis#like dont be scared of kiryu shes nice when you get to know her and everyones like ?? thats a girl ???#in fact it made more sense for kiryu to be a boy at that point so he went to kazama and told him and kazama was like ok lets make it happen#like kiryu and nishiki are so special because there is nobody in the universe more transphobic to kiryu than his own brother but also nishik#was the one helping kiryu shop for boy clothes when he was clueless about it like hes not stupid but he really doesnt know about fashion and#he trusts nishiki to not make him look stupid and nishiki is of course like 😏 well well well youre having a girl moment arent you#nishiki is okay with kiryu being a guy because this means that now whenever kiryu hits him he can fight back without being misogynistic#okay im done talking my noodles are getting cold but kiryu as a kid would have been a veritable nightmare#oh yeah my trans beam extended to nishitani as well because just look at him. everybody majima wants to sex is trans
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bro sugar mommy ava sugar baby janine
#IM GOING TO KILL MYSWLF JUST THINK ABOUT IT#SHE HAS A FULL ON NBA RICH AS BOYFRIEND SHE LITERALLY GOES TO CHURCH THATS HOW SHE GOT THE FUCKING JOB#SHE GETS THE JOB BECAUSE SHE LIKES BEING FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT BUT KNOWS SHE CAN GET WHATEVER SHE WANTS#SO SHE GETS THE JOB EXCEPT ITS BORING SO SHE FINDS STUFF TO FILL UP HER TIME#SHE BECOMES A FUCKING TIKTOK STAR AND THEN BEGINS SELLING CLOTHES ONLINE BC WHY NOT SHE LITERALLY LOVES FASHION SO MUHC#AND SUDDENLY SOMETHING VERY ENTERTAINING HAPPENS AND SHE MEETS JANINE AND ITS NEW ENTERTAINMENT#SHE ENDS UP LOVING BEING AT ABBOTT SO SHE GETS SAD SHE ALMSOT GOT FIRED#AMD THEN JANINE KEEPS INTERFERING WITH HER LIFE#AND SO SHE FUCKING REALISES THAT OH MAYBE SHE MIGHT LIKE JANINE A LIL BIT SO SHE FINDS OUT ABT JANINE STRUGGLING TO OAY RENT N SHES#IVE GOT A SCHOOL THING I NEED UR HELL WITH AFTER SCHOOL YOULL GET PAID FOR I#AND JANINE SAYS YES BECAUSE WHO FUCKING WOULDNT WHEN YOURE STRESSING ON RENT#AND AT FIRST ITS STRICTLY IN SCHOOL#AND SO IT BECOMES A REGUKAE THING#AND SLOWLY IT MOVES FURTHER AND FURTHER AWAY FROM ANYTHING SCHOOL RELATED AND IT TURNS INTO JUST HANGING OUT AND GOING ON DATES AND IT#SPIRALS INTO SOMETHING THAT SHOULDNT BE HAPPENING AND THE INTIMACY BECOMES TOO MUCH#AND JANINE STILL GETS CHECKS BECAUSE AVA IS GOOD AT MAKING THINGS UNREJECTABLE#SO SHE USES THE OFFICIAL SCHOOL ENVELOPE EVEN THOUGH THEYRE AVAS OWN CHECKS#AND JANINE KNOWS THAT THAT JUST SOMETIMES HAPPENS WITH EVERYONES SALARIES BECAUSE ITS HAPPENED PLENTY OF TIMES BEFORE BC OF THE SCHOOLS#POOR FUNDS#BUT AVA WOULD NEVER SAY WHY#AND SO JANINE JUST ACCEPTS IT#AND ONE DAY SOMETHING SNAPS IN AVA AND SHE REALIZES SHES FALLEN SO IN LOVE WITH JANINE SHE DOESNT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE AND JANINE IS#CONFUSED BC ITS SO SUDDEN AND AVA IS SO QUICK AND SO SHE ASKS AVA WHATS WRONG#AND AVA IS LIKE AVOIDING HER SO HARD#AND SHE FEELS HORRIBLE BECAUSE SHE FEELS LIKE SHES BEEN MANIPLATING JANINE FOR SO LON#BUT JANINES NOT STUPID AND SHE KEPT COMING BACK JUST TO GET TO SOEND MORE TIME WITH AVA#IMMA STOP I CANT CONTINUE#AVANINE#AVA X JANINE#SOMEBODY PLEASE TALK TO ME ABT THIS IVE RUN OUT OF TAG SPACE FUCK
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