#like its great that i can be queer i guess but everything is so quiet and corperate

[sol1loqu1st]

worried i am never going to adjust to Midwestern Culture(tm) and i'm always going to be an obvious outsider and people are going to judge me and assume i'm a dumb backwater conservative for my mannerisms and if my southern accent ever slips out lmao

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

Hi!

🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮, 🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞, ⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️

Hi :)

30 for 🦮:

---

 She rummages around until she finds what appears to be an old photograph print. Four by six. She slides it across the table to Buck. 

“This is him,” Maddie says. “Daniel.”

Daniel?

Hands shaking, Buck grabs the photo. He lifts it closer to his face. The child in the photo is a dead ringer for Buck at the same age. He’d almost ask her if she’s sure it’s not just him. Except it’s not their house he’s sitting on a bike out front of. And there’s no birthmark, when he looks closer. 

“He was two years younger than me,” Maddie says. “He died before your first birthday. That’s why you don’t remember him.”

Buck shakes his head. “I don’t understand.”

“He got sick,” Maddie says. “The doctors tried everything to save him, but… Well, it didn’t work.”

This isn’t real. This can’t be real. There are too many questions bouncing around his head. Like bullets ricocheting off the walls of his skull. There is so much noise, even though they’ve both fallen completely silent. 

“Uh…” He trails off. “I guess, first… I’m sorry, Maddie.”

Maddie looks at the surface of the table, avoiding his gaze. 

---

30 for 🪞:

---

Dove is quiet. 

That’s probably okay. It’s probably okay for her to be quiet and process. But Buck is too anxious and heartbroken to let the moment just sit. 

“It’s not your fault no one has said it before,” Buck tells her. “You are so special and loveable. And I’m going to tell you every single day, so you don’t forget it, okay?”

At this, Dove starts to cry. Buck worries he’s said the exact wrong thing. This is hard. 

“Sweetie, it’s okay,” he says, rubbing her shoulder. “It’s okay.”

“So you won’t send me back?” She blubbers.

“What?” Buck gapes. “Oh god. No, Dove. No, I am not going to send you back. This is your home now.”

She takes deep, gulping breaths like she can’t get enough air. Buck thinks he may need to get her puffer. But is this an asthma attack or a panic attack? And if it’s the latter, what the hell does he do?

“Can you breathe?” He asks her. “In through the nose, okay?”

He models breathing, and she follows along. She manages to regulate herself, much to Buck’s relief. 

“You’re okay,” he promises. “You’re gonna be okay.”

---

30 for ⚡️:

---

 Maybe that’s confirmation bias. Whatever. Eddie has given up trying to be more rational than his husband. When he became his husband. Easier to lean into it, it turns out. 

The point is, things keep lining out. Moving them in the right direction. And Eddie has to wonder… If there is a destiny or a fate or whatever, is life just easier when you surrender to it? Because things used to feel so hard. When he was fighting himself all the time. 

Take, for example, the whole baby thing. Which Eddie maybe could be stressing about a whole lot right now, considering how much extra work it will take for them to accomplish versus the last time he did. In which his initial work was very minimal. He could be panicking, but he’s not. Because things are just kind of… Going the way they’re meant to go? It’s novel, really. 

Buck had come to him with an idea. Name the baby after Bobby, assuming it’s a boy. Which Eddie thinks they will be - he will be - because that’s just what Eddie thinks. So Eddie had said yes, as long as Buck actually talked to Bobby. Which Buck did, and it went great for them. And just like that, the universe - if it’s a thing - seems to be taking care of them. Because not even a full month later, the LAFD changes its benefits policy. They are now covering a wide range of costs related to family planning and fertility. Including a decent chunk of the costs of IVF for surrogacy. 

Eddie doesn’t think this was meant to be a win for queer men, as much as it is one. Likely, a much more selfish motive passed that change. More female firefighters opting to go the surrogate route, and therefore not getting pregnant themselves. Better for business, in the eyes of the LAFD. 

[tomystars]

dissecting episode 1

(under the microscope. im mostly dissecting jaewon hes so interesting to study as a queer person myself, smiles)

ignoring the very first clip which shows waves and someone grabbing someone else... a bit confusing i dont have many thoughts about this.

ANYWAY ! we first see jaewon sitting on a couch in a office perhaps? with an aquarium (we see this again on the intro of episode 2 and if you see the trailer theres a close up of his face on the same place as well) and a women sits down in front of him and asks him what his worries are. now i cant make much sense of her behaviour cause she suddenly starts laughing? but id think shes some sort of counselor. now this could be for 2 reasons: one. he just left the military after finishing his mandatory time and it might be a thing they do? or two some other reason we dont know most likely. TRAUMA shocking i know.

then we have the restaurant scene. we see jaewon talking with his friends but his face changes when his friends keeps talking about how jaewon has a great life and connections and money and everything he wants and i dont want to state the obvious but... thats clearly not the case which is why we can see jaewon upset with the conversation even though he doesnt say anything about it and even forgives his friend... his relationship with his parents is most likely not the best and we can see that by the messages his mom sends and the way we can just see him in front of his gate but not getting inside.

then. their first real scene. jaewon asks jihyun for a cigarette he goes and grabs TWO which surprises jaewon a little bit and makes him happier probably because thats different not a lot of people would do that. they talk but its very casual like and somehow jaewon mentions a "동생" and gets real quiet, as if something had happened with that person. now, its translated as "younger brother/sister" because thats the only english word that it can translate to EVEN THOUGH (and im saying this as someone with very limited korean language knowledge) its not the most correct one because its just a word that people use to call someone whos younger than them (yes siblings count lol). so is he talking about a younger sibling or someone else? who knows.

when his friends grab him to go home he leaves but he isnt expecting for jihyun to just grab his hand and give him a lighter (it was such an intimate scene as well, very queer coded) and THATS what caught jaewons attention. because at first he was just making conversation, but that small moment changed how the path of their futures (hope im not getting too philosophical), and he even stopped and looked as jihyun left.

fast foward next day, jihyun sees jaewon and goes afterhim but loses him and finds the poster for free bird instead (soulmatism i say). and its at this point i realize i havent spoken much abour jihyun so ill start now. we know hes a small town boy, isnt used to such a big city like seoul and is even confused with all this new stuff hes seeing. thats how jaewon and him are different. to me, jihyuns fear is based on unfamiliarity and the unknown, hes still getting to know all these new things that hes never known before and thats why he later mentions that thats the reason he signed up for the surf club. he doesnt really know how to swim but he wants to try and face this new challenge onwards. jaewons fear is more rooted on past experiences and trauma is my guess. he knows who he is but hes scared or hes scared of the result if he tries something. i think its going to start to get better the more he gets to know jihyun and the more he gets comfortable with him.

the cafeteria. jihyuns eating alone and jaewon is suddenly there and thanking him for the other day (he means it. that second cigarette probably was everything to him at that time) and starts to get a bit bold with him, and asking him why he didnt call and at this point there are so many jihyun reactions where you can just tell how this type of relationship is new to him but also how he wants to explore it and find out where it takes him.

we can see that when he meets jaewon again outside the restaurant and says "if we're going to be friends we need to know each others names" and jaewons truly gets a bit paralysed? confused? about it, he wasnt expecting jihyung to say something like that. tells him his name and leaves.

going a bit back, jaewon is at the same restaurant again. why? because he remembered that it was the restaurant jihyuns worked at and he convinced his friends to go inside with some excuse only to look for jihyun but... he wasnt there. things start to go downhill when his friends mention his ex who he wants to have nothing to do with and just wants to forget and one of them even invites her over! some friend he is... jaewon gets reasonably upset (ill talk about what i think happened with the break up on the ep2 essay bare with me), leaves and jihyun goes after him. in this scene i dont think jaewon is upset with him but it was a mixture of a lot of things, disappointment from not seeing jihyun when he was the reason he went to the restaurant in the first place, anger at his supposed friend inviting his ex who he doesnt like and thats why he says "i didnt see you earlier" with this really empty sort of expression.

and lastly, the very last scene. he sits with jihyun for two reasons: be away from his ex but also because he genuinely wants to continue whatever this relationship with jihyun is. it makes him happy and its different and GOOD something that he doesnt have a lot going around his life...

yea... thats it. my thoughts are all scattered but yea lets talk about it if u want i have so much to say still and i want to hear what everyone else is thinking and i also want to mention how much i love this already it was hook line sinker the first episode it. it just feels so raw and perfect and so queer coded to which is why i want to kind of gatekeep it from people who are just watching bc its u know... a bl (will i be persecuted like the witches used to by saying this... hm)

the playlist is so good as well been on repeat for hours

[ranchthoughts]

thoughts on Tinn, his mother, and coming out

Tinn’s mother is a busy career lady, but MSP does show us she adores her son and tries to engage with him and spend time with him. As the show progresses, she realizes her son isn’t telling her everything, that there are parts of his life she doesn’t know about. And so she tries, good-naturedly, not too pressing, to get him to open up about his life, but in her attempts to do so misses the mark.

Like when she asks “Do you have a crush on any one?” and Tinn gears himself up to tell her the truth, but then she says “is it [this girl] in the student council? or [that girl]?” and we watch Tinn deflate a bit as he realizes he is going to have to do that extra bit of queer labour to both come out to her and tell her who he has a crush on, so he leaves it.

It’s just... a quintessential queer moment - the “I have great parents. They are loving and haven’t said anything against queer people. But I don’t know for SURE that they will love and accept me, that things won’t change between us if I come out” that I think a lot of people, myself included, can relate to. The fear and hesitation that comes with coming out to someone, even someone you think you know well and you think (hope) you can trust.

And MSP shows us the other side of it, which is interesting - Tinn’s mom sees a call come through on Tinn’s phone from Gun, and she clocks the heart emoji in the name and the cute photo that is the profile picture, and we see her realize, maybe, what she’s been missing. Side note: I love that she picks up Tinn’s phone as if to go through it (we see how much the knowledge that there’s something she doesn’t know is weighing on her) but crucially she does not actually go through it (she doesn’t invade his privacy, she has a good relationship with her son, there is trust there).

Another thought: at this point in MSP, the main hint we have that this show doesn’t take place in a “bubble” is Tinn’s hesitation with his mother; otherwise, Tinn, Gun, and their friends don’t seem to find queerness unusual or surprising, and there are no other indications that they live in a homophobic society. I assumed that this was a “bubble” show at first, like Semantic Error, where homophobia does not exist. But Tinn’s hesitation to tell his mother about Gun felt so quintessentially queer to me (especially paired with her first guesses for his crush being girls, and his reaction to that), I couldn’t shake the idea that this wasn’t a “bubble” show. And of course, in ep 12, we encounter the homophobia Tinn, Gun, and their friends are still facing.

But regardless, even if Tinn and his mother’s story wasn’t about being queer, it would still be relatable to me and others. Tinn’s mother assumes she knows him. And she does seem to know him pretty well, as they spend a lot of time together, but he’s growing up and becoming his own independent person, and he is never going to perfectly fit her imagined image of him, no matter how flexible and charitable she thinks it is. I think its especially telling that the main places we see them interact are on their way to and from school, and the main topics we see them discuss are school related (student council, exams, university applications and interviews, etc.). She’s the school principal, he’s the student council president and a smart nerd who spends a lot of time playing Scrabble. It’s easy for her to forget that that academic, quiet, well-behaved boy she sees and does most of her interacting with is not the sum of who he is. So even if Tinn isn’t hesitant to tell his mom about Gun for queer reasons, he can still be hesitant to tell her because, well, she doesn’t have a good impression of Gun or the music club, but also because this part of him (romantic, longing to date, etc.) does not fit with her pre-established conceptions of who he is. It can be hard to break the mold, to introduce parts of yourself that aren’t what people expect from you - there’s awkwardness, and fear, and a desire to not rock the boat, kind of like the feelings you get having to come out to someone. Even if you think or expect they will be understanding, there’s still uncertainty, there’s still the extra labour of having to re-introduce yourself, there’s still the adjustment as that person re-calibrates their expectations of you.

[swampstew]

Blind Date Event - Yamato X Reader

Thank you to everyone who submitted applications for my Blind Date Matchmaking Event. I hope you enjoy these lovely bedtime stories during this week of overpriced chocolates, flowers and heart shaped things.

Mostly fluff, SFW, Yamato(he/him) X GN(they/them) reader, first blind date experience. WC: 930. Minors DNI - my content is for mature audiences only

Yamato was practically bouncing in his chair at the ramen shop he had taken you for your blind date. The ride to the small restaurant was quiet as you held on to his waist. He had picked you up in his teal MotoTec Phantom 49cc – and not having ridden a motorcycle before – you were silent via anxiety as your arms gripped him tightly when he rounded corners. You didn’t see it happen, but the action made his face split with a smile each time.

The ramen shop is called Oden’s Pot. You were both new to match making so you’re both equally nervous. Excited jitters rippled through Yamato while the waiter refilled your glasses, taking your orders.

“_______ tell me more about yourself! We’ve been talking about my background and job as a bouncer at the hottest queer bar in the city but I really want to know more about you!”

You sip on your water as you try to summarize yourself in as few words as possible.

“Oh um, well I already told you about my job. Hum…I guess I’m just down to Earth. I enjoy simple pleasures like playing video games, watching movies and YouTube essays, and I’m a big fan of listening to music while I do art or other creative endeavors,” you slowly trail off, hoping he won’t ask to see any of it.

“Wow can you show me your art?!”

Damn.

Fingers trembling, you pull out your phone to share one of your finished pieces. You’re quite proud of it, even if you won’t say so yourself, trying to downplay your own work.

“Nope, not buying that _____. Art is subjective, there is no grading scale that determines how good it is. If you feel proud of the work you put it, that’s the real value of your art. Personally, I’m not that great beside some doodling but THIS <points to your phone> is damn good!”

You smile bashfully. He said the same thing your close friends have told you countless times. You felt like you could share more of your artwork and not once did he subject you to unsolicited constructive criticism or ask you to draw him on the spot.

When your food arrived, you took turns playing 21 questions and other ice breaker games provided in the blind date packet you received from the Medium Matchmaker. Yamato was enthusiastic through it all, even during the slightly more uncomfortable games and topics that were suggested in the pack. You were skeptical of the whole idea when you saw the online application. However, now that you were here and actually enjoying Yamato’s company, you were glad your best friend forwarded you link.

Yamato wasn’t rude or aggressive with you like your previous disaster dates had been. He wasn’t some meathead gym bro even though he had impressive muscles on his tall body – he swears its hereditary, his family being from a different country. He’s incredibly handsome without being arrogant and you appreciated that. He was down to earth and easy to talk to. Being easy on the eyes and having magnificent hair was a bonus too, you felt butterflies in your stomach.

Not wanting the night to end, Yamato ordered several desserts for you to share. “I just want a taste of everything,” he speaks softly, blushing furiously as he drains his water. It made you giggle.

“Oh wait that’s not an innuendo!” alarm flashes on his face, sputtering water to the side. That made you laugh out loud; you reached out to pat his hand in understanding before he really panicked.

Through dessert, the topic of conversation got a little heavy. Yamato was brave enough to disclose the abuse he suffered from his father who raised him single handedly. Not because he wanted you to pity him but because he’s an open book. He has nothing to hide nor shame about his past. You were impressed with his strength, with his ability to cut out the toxicity from his life and move on to build himself up with no one else to support him. You felt like this is a person you can get close to. A person you can share intimate details of your life without fear that he’d freak out or reject you.

The ride back to your home was more relaxed. You felt secure in his company as he swerved between traffic; not once showing off in a way that would put you in harm’s way. He walked you up to your front door, fingers twitching as he considered how to end the night. Not quite wanting to leave but also not wanting to make assumptions.

“_____, I had a really nice time tonight. If you feel up to it, I would like to take you on another date. Maybe see that new blockbuster horror film that comes out on Friday?” He tapped his forefingers together nervously as your eyes widened.

You smile, “I had a nice time with you too. I’d love to see that film with you for our next date.”

He looked so relieved. “Yeah? Awesome! I can pick you up then, same time as tonight?”

“That sounds like a plan,” you twiddle with your keys in hand.

“I don’t want to be presumptuous but do you want to come inside? I could go for a cup of tea and some Mario Kart. Unless you don’t like the taste of dust as I leave you at the starting line.”

Yamato’s gorgeous orbs lit up, “Oh you’re SO on _____. I call dibs on the Flame Runner bike!!”

[lexa-gui]

Motivated by this poll post

Ahaaaa, time to share my brainrot with the world! \o/

Here's a cleaned up version of my ted talk that absolutely no one asked for on why 'Sunlight' by Hozier is the best merthur song:

The whole vibe of the song. It's incredibly reverential -- a perfect Merlin pov on Arthur.

Sunlight is a perfect and well-known analogy for Arthur in fandom -- the glorious golden airs and all that. Remember that scene in The wicked day where Arthur comes out of the room after spending all night mourning his father and you see him appearing over Merlin's shoudler basked in sunlight? Perfect visuals.

The song starts out with our POV subject shunning sunlight (for like 3 lines) -- I would shun the light, share in evening's cool and quiet/ Who would trade that hum of night/ For sunlight, sunlight, sunlight. What happens at the beginning of the show? Merlin meets arthur and he is *not* a fan.

(Rip Merlin's patience lol)

Immediately the POV subject changes his mind though, and goes on to say "But whose heart would not take flight?/ Betray the moon as acolyte/ On first and fierce affirming sight/ Of sunlight, sunlight, sunlight". And what happens? Merlin needs one (1) bit of attention and validation from Arthur in episode 2 to go: 'Oop, guess I'll devote my life to him'.

(Look at his boi, he is *so gone*)

"I had been lost to you, sunlight/ And flew like a moth to you, sunlight, oh, sunlight" -- The reverential tone remains, and I associate this part with 'Le mort d'Artur', when Merlin thought Arthur was lost to him, and refused to accept it. He did everything he could to stop it,

which leads us to: "All the tales the same/ Told before and told again" that can be associated with Merlin going above and beyond, riking his own life in the process, to save Arthur's. The cup is even a recurring symbol here.

"A soul that's born in cold and rain/ Knows sunlight, sunlight, sunlight/ And at last can grant a name/ To a buried and a burning flame/ As love and its decisive pain/ Oh, my sunlight, sunlight, sunlight," this part would fit in great in a 'queer in a hostile world' narrative. One could say he's been denying that part of himself for incredibly long, but when it (sunlight/Arthur/love) shines, it's so absolute and consuming that there can only be one name for it even if he's never applied it before or didn't even think he knew how to.

And "love and it's decisive pain" also hammers in the fact that this is a tragedy, because (as we all well know) it ends in pain.

"All that was shown to me, sunlight/ Was somethin' foreknown to me, sunlight, oh sunlight" We can even take this literally for everytime Merlin told Arthur he would be 'the greatest king this land has ever known' so candidly it seemed he could feel it in his very bones. Because he's been told and retold about that prophecy so many times, and every little thing that Arthur does that implies he might be the man for it, just drive Merlin's determination further. It's something Merlin has known and believed with all his heart since almost the literal beginning.

"Oh, and these colors fade for you only/ Hold me, carry me slowly, my sunlight" Merlin's mood is almost 99% of the time related to Arthur. When he's down and Arthur mentions he hasn't smiled for 3 days -- it's about him -- everytime he's sad about his impeding doom, he's the one causing it to save Arthur from the same fate -- plus we have all those times where he's sad because Arthur's not appreciating him or is mean to him, etc.

"Each day, you'd rise with me/ Know that I would gladly be/ The Icarus to your certainty" I really love this part (and the next). Here we can see that Merlin is always by Arthur's side, every single day ("He's always been there -- at Arthur's side" from Gwen), and he knows to some degree of certainty that the affection and care he feels for Arthur is somewhat returned (Servant of Two Masters) -- or even the certainty that Arthur is alive and well and ruling would be enough. It just emboldens his devotion and willingness to do everything and anything to protect him ("Whatever I have to do, I will do. His life is worth a 100 of mine." to Nimueh), including giving up his own life, like we see time and time again. And Arthur is the sun in this analogy, so Merlin being Icarus means he doesn't care whether he singes his wings if he gets too close to him -- because it's worth it ("I'm happy to be your servant, until the day I die" to Arthur). He doesn't care what happens to him as long as he can be at his side ("I swear I will protect you or die at your side"). Which we also see time and time again, and Merlin's own priorities change from 'bringing magic back to the land' -- his destiny -- to keeping Arthur alive. He gives up on magic and betrays his own kind for Arthur in The Disir ("There can be no place for magic in Camelot").

(the certainty of Arthur's care, which they so rudely cut from the show :(( )

And this part just reaffirms this: "Oh, my sunlight, sunlight, sunlight/ Strap the wing to me/ Death trap clad happily/ With wax melted, I'd meet the sea/ Under sunlight, sunlight, sunlight". He'd happily go to his death -- for Arthur.

And then it just ends and goes on with "Oh, your love is sunlight/ Oh, your love is sunlight/ But it is sunlight" Which would again be an analogy for Arthur's love <3.

And this ted talk has been completed.

(Also if you wanna check out the vid I did with this song click here ehehe).

Disclaimer: this is my interpretation of a song and a ship, other ships and interpretations are just as valid and never do I mean to put anyone down for having different opinions.

[goremet-chef]

three of my sotf ocs bpd havers? seems right

i guess it makes sense, and i dont know how to connect with characters that arent mentally ill somehow 😭 like i literally. i had to blast jupe with my autism beam to connect to him (threw on asexual too cuz aspec bitches get it)

and i made monty queer but queer isnt enough this mans life fell into shambles after his wife left cuz he was obsessed with her!!!!! and he didnt think he could ever live without her but now hes forced to, so hes impulsive and bitter, doing shit that he knows isnt good for him and he doesnt care. he'll do anything to fill that void, he'll fill it with loveless flings and alcohol, late night drives to nowhere just to FEEL something. anything that can deliver him from pain, he'll take no matter how poisonous it might be

yes 😁 and honestly. him and cicero have a lot of beef for PLENTY of reasons but i feel like they can find common ground there. like later on in their island experience ofc cuz monty isnt finding ANY common ground with ANYONE at first. but once theyre becoming more focused on survival and looking after each other, i can see that happening. also could explain why they fight so much, bpd rage is INTENSE and it just like. creeps up out of nowhere like one second yr fine and then tick tick tick 💥💥💥 youve never been so mad in yr life

idk just helps me love him more, knowing he deals with things that i deal with too. like wow!!! i love him so much, im gonna give him the most painful aspect of my life :]]

other one is shark, just cuz honestly yeah. id say quiet bpd is more accurate, that feeling of shame and guilt about everything and the horrible fear of abandonment, very sharkcore 👍 sees himself as the worst thing on the island but even still he tries so hard to endear himself to yarrow and cicero because theyre the only people who havent turned their backs on him. he thinks they inevitably will, so he tries his hardest to lengthen the time he has with them. will go out of his way to not be selfish around them (to some extent, its honestly just in his nature)

if only he knew they would never leave him!!! yarrow cant see all that because shark keeps it decently hidden, any fear he feels can be easily passed off as regular old anxiety cuz they live in hell yknow. he just knows he loves shark, and he left literally everything hes ever know behind to be with someone who hes only known for like. 3 years max okay like. hes infatuated hes. all these little things shark cant see behind his fear, the fact that yarrow feels motivated enough to work twice as hard just by being around shark, how he delivers him his meal without him even asking. like. GODDDD little things yarrow doesnt even think twice about, he doesnt question why he does these things, he just wants to.

SICKENING the amount of love he has for him. for someone who really doesnt deserve it!!!! and yet :]

also cicero shark FP boyfriends is my favorite timeline, like yeah having someone who can match that level of love probably feels great. and then yarrow getting showered in love all the time cuz his bfs are madly in love with him (obviously, who wouldnt be?)

me stop inflicting bpd on my ocs challenge (literally impossible)

[hellomynameisbisexual]

I’m 12 years old, sitting in the bathroom, watching my mother straighten her hair before work.

For once, the house is quiet. No little sister running around and agitating the neighbors below us. No stepfather chasing after, telling her to be quiet. Everything is white and fluorescent. We’ve lived in this apartment in Jersey for a year now.

My mother glides the metal plates down her hair, ringlet curls now tamed from years of constant heat damage. Then, she calmly says, “So, you think you’re bisexual?”

This catches me off guard. I, awkward in clothes that have yet to adjust to my changing frame, sputter, “What?”

“Tití Jessie overheard you talking to your cousin.” Which means she picked up the house phone to spy on our conversation. Great.

My mom puts the straightener down, turning from her reflection to look at me. “So you want to put your mouth on another girl’s vagina?”

Naturally, more panic ensues. “What? No!”

She turns back to the mirror. “Okay, then. That’s what I thought.”

And that was that.

My mom and I didn’t talk about my sexuality for another 12 years.

In that gap of time I was on my own, often riddled with doubt. Thinking, yes, she’s probably right.

I read all these romance novels about strong men pursuing strong girls who became soft for them. As a late bloomer of sorts, I didn’t have a significant other until I was 17. He and I explored entering adulthood together until I grew past him.

I went to college in Southern New Jersey, on a small campus known for its nursing and criminal justice programs. You can guess what my fellow classmates were like.

I was a commuter, so I’d drive through Atlantic City — predominately Black, overwhelmed with unemployment, watched over by the casinos jutting into the sky — and into the woodsy off-shore neighborhoods.

Thin Blue Line flags peppered the lawns of homes I passed, a constant reminder of where the people around me stood when it came to my humanity as a Black girl.

So obviously there wasn’t much space for an awkward, introverted Black girl who knew only how to make friends by attaching to the nearest extrovert.

I was still uncomfortable in my Blackness, and I think the other Black kids at my college could sense that.

So I found a home with the other literature majors. I became very used to attention from people who weren’t my type, while simultaneously never being the type of those who piqued my interest. This created a complex that led to a series of sexual encounters that displayed my need for attention and validation.

I was the “first Black girl” for so many cis white men. My quietness made me more approachable. More “acceptable.”

Many people kept telling me what I was or what I wanted. In sitting around common areas with my friends, we’d joke about our relationships.

As my friends watched me rack up body after body, all of them cis and male, they began to make jokes at the validity of my queerness.

A lot of internalized biphobia is questioning yourself because others get into your head.

Bisexual people make up a little over 50 percent of the LGBTQIA community, yet we’re often made to feel like we’re invisible or don’t belong. Like we’re confused, or we haven’t figured it out yet. I began to buy into that concept for myself.

When I finally did have a sexual encounter with a woman, it was during my first threesome. It was a lot. I was slightly drunk and confused, unsure of how to navigate two bodies at once, balancing the couple’s relationship and focused on paying equal amounts of attention to each party.

I left the interaction a little disoriented, wanting to tell my boyfriend about it, but unable to because of the don’t-ask-don’t-tell nature of our open relationship.

I would continue to have sex with women during group play and continue to feel “not queer enough.”

That first interaction, and many of the following, never felt perfect. It added to my internal struggle.

Was I really into other femmes? Was I only sexually attracted to women? I wasn’t allowing myself to understand that queer sex can be less than satisfying as well.

I had racked up so many underwhelming experiences with men, yet never doubted my attraction to them.

Without queer examples in my life, or in the media available to me, I had no idea what was right.

My environment shaped a lot of my self-perception. When I moved back home to NYC, I realized how much was available outside the blue collar, often-conservative district I’d grown up in.

I could be polyamorous. I could be sex-positive and kinky, and I could be queer as f*ck. Even while having relationships with men.

I realized when I began actually dating a woman, I had continuously boiled down my sexuality to sex — just as my mom had years ago.

In that initial conversation, she never asked me if I wanted to put my mouth on a boy’s genitals. I would’ve had the same reaction! I was too young to fathom sex as a whole, let alone the body parts involved.

My feelings for that girl were real and exciting and wonderful. I felt safer than I ever had in a romantic relationship, simply within the kinship of the same gender.

When it dissolved before it really started, I was devastated in losing what I almost had.

It took a long time to come around to the term bisexual

To me, it implied a 50-50 attraction to each sex. I questioned if it was inclusive of other gender identities, too — so I chose pansexual or queer in the beginning.

Although I still use those words to identify myself, I’ve become more comfortable accepting this more common term, understanding its definition is ever-evolving.

Sexuality for me has never been about who I am attracted to. It’s more so about who I’m open to.

And honestly, that’s everyone. I no longer feel the need to prove my queerness to anyone — not even to myself.

[ghosttotheparty]

while the world ends around us (make believe with me)

6. I can’t even leave my room so I keep pouring AO3

And I've been looking for someone to put up with my bullshit I can't even leave my bedroom so I keep pouring And I ain't seen a light of day since, well, that's not important It's been long - Feeling Whitney // Post Malone

Lucas actually wakes up this morning.

It’s nice. Much better than laying against his wall all through the night, his eyes stuck on his laptop, watching Netflix or Youtube, or on his sketchbook, watching his pencil or pen or paint trailing across the page, leaving lines and smudges in its wake. And then looking up blearily when he realises he can see across his dark room because the sun is peeking through his blinds.

Today he wakes up when his phone starts buzzing and chiming next to his head, half under his pillow. It startles him, and he gasps as his eyes fly open, sitting up and muttering, “Jesus…” as he shuts off his alarm and tosses it to the floor next to him. It clatters against the wood and he winces, looking up at his door and running a hand through his hair.

He grabs food from the kitchen and eats it during his first class, scribbling the homework on a piece of paper he finds on the floor and doodling flowers and eyes as he forgets to pay attention. The teacher's voice turns into white noise.

- - -

He drifts off again in another class, and wakes up to a chorus of voices saying “Thank you,” and “Goodbye.” He doesn’t bother joining them, instead just clicking the hang up button and dropping his head to his arm, sighing and closing his eyes for a second before pushing himself up and groaning.

It’s the third red button he’s pressed just today.

He thinks about how many he presses a day.

Five classes, five red buttons.

Five days a week.

For weeks and weeks.

And weeks.

Christ.

Lucas huffs and pushes himself to sit cross-legged in front of the computer. He pushes it out of his mind, the remembrance that this is… it. All he has. This and a few texts from Kes and Jayden, usually about school or other kids from school, often complaining. Usually complaining. Sometimes he gets texts from Isa, silly selfies or pictures of birds. She knows he likes birds. Sometimes he gets texts from Noah, pictures of his art, drawings and paintings and doodles, or texts from Janna, which are never expected but always make him laugh. Sometimes Liv texts him just to check in.

It.

Homework and classes and red buttons and once-in-a-while texts from people he doesn’t see anymore.

And Jens, he remembers as his phone buzzes. And he smiles, but he really shouldn’t, so he pushes it away as he reaches to the floor and grabs the phone, reading.

guess what i’m making… 🥚🍳👨🏻🍳

He lets the smile push its way back onto his face (there’s no one to see anyway) as he shakes his head.

you didn’t give me time to guess, dummy

He lays on his back and holds his phone above his head, sighing as the bubble appears on his screen.

i’m impatient

Lucas scoffs, shaking his head again.

anyway good morning 😌, Jens texts a few seconds later.

good morning 🌞, Lucas responds even though it’s not really that sunny out. how are you today

well i woke up to my sisters arm hitting me in the face and i just burned an egg so that’s just kind of how it’s going so far you?

Lucas smiles again.

pretty dry so far but who knows

Like it’s a trigger, Lucas’s door swings open loudly and he tilts his head back, looking at his father upside down.

“...Yes?”

“You have to do the dishes, yeah?” he says flatly.

“But I did them last night,” Lucas says, still holding his phone above his head. He doesn’t look at it, even as it gives a short buzz with Jens’s response.

“And I brought dinner for you.”

“You brought chicken home and I cooked it.”

It’s true. Lucas had to Google how to do it, and it was the blandest, driest chicken he’s ever had, but it sufficed. There was nothing else in the kitchen he could have made. Back home, there’s usually things in the cupboard to micwave.

“Lucas—” His dad pinches the bridge of his nose and closes his eyes, huffing. Exasperated, like Lucas is the issue here. “Just do it.”

“Fine, whatever,” Lucas mutters, looking at his phone, but he doesn’t get to read the message before his dad snaps at him.

“Don’t whatever me,” he says sharply.

“Fine,” Lucas says, stopping him. “Yes. I will.”

He leaves without shutting Lucas’s door.

Lucas takes a second, huffing at the open hallway. He hates him. And he knows he Shouldn’t, because He’s His Father, but he can’t not. It’s his face. Even before Lucas knew about how much of a dick he is, his face told Lucas everything. Always angry, disappointed. Always bitter, like he tried to sue the universe and lost. His eyes always look pinched. Especially when he looks at Lucas.

He doesn’t know why, honestly. It’s not like he even really knows Lucas. Anything about Lucas that’s actually important. Not that Lucas would tell him anything important.

(He has a list of things he doesn’t ever plan on telling him. His being gay is the top one. He’s never heard his father talk about queer people, but he doesn’t have to to know that he’s probably a bigot. His art is another thing. He doesn’t want to listen to his father talk about how it’s not a Viable Career Option, or how it’s a Waste of Time.)

He looks at his phone after a second.

😔 boring days suck wanna call later and do hw together?

Lucas exhales, trying to sigh away his frustration.

yes ofc you said you can do math right?

He shuts the door (quietly) while he waits for Jens’s answer.

i’m a math genius call me fuckin newton

Lucas scoffs, shaking his head as he sits back on his mattress, leaning back so his head falls off the edge, upside down.

great so that means you’ll do my hw for me

Lucas bites his lip, trying to suppress the smile that appears in anticipation as Jens types.

hmmmm what’s in it for me?🤔

uhhhhh moral support

Lucas grins as you amaze me appears on his screen, followed by oh i can teach you math, which promptly makes him roll his eyes and reply with an exaggerated uuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhh.

Jens replies with oop i gotta go, and then, as Lucas prepares to send the eye-rolling emoji, see you after school🙃.

Lucas sends the emoji anyway, along with you’re the worst.

A few seconds later, his phone buzzes with love you too <3 , and his lingering smile falters. He sits up, swallowing and setting the phone down.

Because the pause in him, the skipped beat of his heart, the way the words tug at him even as he reads and rereads and rereads them, even as his brain knows the irony, the playfulness, the mindlessness in Jens’s saying it, can only mean one thing, and he hates himself for it.

Lucas is fucked.

- - -

So he ignores it, of course. It can’t be happening. It can’t. He’s known Jens for a few days. There’s no reason for his stomach to flutter the way it does when he gets a text from him, or when his name lights up his computer screen on Google Meets.

“He-ey,” Jens sings when Lucas answers, and a smile flickers across Lucas’s face involuntarily.

“Hey.”

“How you doing?”

“Fine,” Lucas answers, neglecting to mention the rest of his day, which was absolutely not fine. The door slams are still ringing in his head. “You?”

“Eh.”

“Hm,” Lucas chuckles. “Hey, who's your maths teacher?”

“Clark,” Jens says, looking at Lucas with his pixelated eyes. Even glitchy and blurry, Lucas can see that he’s beautiful.

“Great,” he says, ignoring it. “Have you done homework for lesson seven?”

“I absolutely have not,” Jens chirps. “I can do it and show you how to solve the problems.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Mhmm.” Jens puckers his lips, nodding and furrowing his brows. “Mhmm, mhmm. Well. I could do it and send you the answers.”

“That sounds great,” Lucas says, sarcastically sweet.

Jens snickers, reaching past his laptop, and Lucas watches as the collar of his shirt falls, a section of his skin exposed before he sits back, pulling a messy notebook, loose papers hanging out of it, and calculator with him.

“Wanna read while I work?” Jens asks, oblivious to the heat in Lucas's chest.

“Oh, yeah, I can do that.”

Lucas barely even processes the words he reads to Jens, his brain somehow paying more attention to the quiet, hushed murmurs of numbers coming from Jens.

He hears Jens mutter, “Divide by six…” and click his tongue in thought a few times just as Lucas reads, “‘...like moths against the whispering and the champagne and the stars.’”

He listens to Jens intently, even though half (or maybe just a quarter) of his mind is on the book, and even though he only catches every few words. Some words, sixty, sixteen, seventy seven, are sharp and cut right through their connection. His murmurs are nearly completely unintelligible, but Lucas listens like he’s actually trying to learn something.

It’s not until Jens says, “Lu?” softly, that Lucas realises he’s stopped reading completely, the book fallen shut in his lap with his index finger holding the page loosely, and he startles, looking directly into Jens’s eyes. His face burns up at the nickname, and at the fact that he had been so enraptured by Jens muttering maths to himself that he had forgotten completely to read.

“I— Yeah, sorry,” he says, looking away and opening the book, hoping Jens can’t see how hot his face is.

“Why’d you stop?” A smile is spread across Jens’s face. Like he knows.

“I—” Lucas stutters again. “You seemed to focussed, I didn’t wanna distract you.”

“Aw.” Jens tilts his head. “That’s sweet.” There’s a pause, and he looks down, flipping a paper that’s out of Lucases sight, before he says, “I’m almost done, I can send you pictures after so do this one.”

“Yeah,” Lucas says, trying not to let out another stammer. His face burns again. He hadn’t realised how long he’d been listening.

Jens clicks his tongue as he thinks again, and Lucas hears the clicking of his calculator and the scratch of his pencil on paper.

“Add on both sides,” he says quietly, and then, “Oh, that’s not right,” flipping his pencil over to erase it.

Lucas snickers.

“Don’t you laugh at me,” Jens says, a smile playing at his lips. “You know you can’t do better.”

“You’re not wrong.”

When Jens finally finishes the problem (he has to try again two more times; he’d skipped the problem to leave it for the end when he’d started) he texts pictures of it to Lucas, and Lucas closes the book, folding the corner of the page.

He can feel Jens watching him as he copies down the answers.

“Number four is seventy three?” he says, zooming in on the photo.

“Thirteen,” Jens says, his voice softer than Lucas expected.

“Oh, that makes more sense.” Lucas writes it. “Why the hell do your ones look like sevens?”

“I don’t know,” Jen says defensively, making a face. “It’s never been a problem before.”

“It’s weird.” He’s met with silence. “If you’re making a face at me, I can’t see it.”

Jens lets out a laugh, and Lucas grins. If sunshine made a sound, it would be Jens’s laughter.

“How do you know me so well?” Jens asks, still laughing.

Lucas giggles, snorting and shaking his head as he looks up to see Jens’s face brightening even more.

“That was so cute,” Jens says lightly, and Lucas feels like he’s on fire.

“Shut up. What’s number seven? It’s cut off in the picture.”

“Oh, shit, sorry. That’s…” Jens’s brows furrow. “Six, four… one—”

“You thought it was a seven, didn’t you?”

“Shut up. One point three two.”

“Thank you-u-u.”

Jens is quiet as Lucas copies the rest of the answers. He shakes his head at how messy Jens’s work is, shocked and honestly impressed with how his brian works, numbers and lines scattered across the page, the answers in neat, little boxes.

“Do any new drawings?” Jens asks abruptly as Lucas copies the last one.

“Huh?”

“Have you drawn anything new?”

“Uh..” Lucas finishes writing the final answer and boxing it like Jens’s. “Yes?”

“Oh?” When he looks up, Jens is resting his chin on his hands, smiling. “Tell me.”

Lucas pauses, biting his lip. He’s only done one, and it’s ripped and crumpled and shredded in the corner of his room in a plastic bin.

“I did one, but it was shit, so it’s in the trash—”

“What was it?”

“Uh, that’s not important.”

“...Okay.” He says it softly. Lucas is grateful. “Can you show me a drawing? Or like a sketch, or…”

Lucas smiles. Jens is clearly out of his element. But he’s trying.

“I might have a picture,” he says, moving the maths homework away. “Most of my sketchbooks are still in boxes.”

“You haven’t unpacked yet?” Jens asks as Lucas scrolls though his camera roll, photos of Utrecht mainly, with a few of homework and screenshots of messages from the guys scattered in there.

“No,” he says simply.

“Why?”

“Eh.” Lucas finds one of a drawing and looks at it, contemplating. It’s a sketch of Noah that he did a little after moving. He’d meant to send it to him, even considered mailing it with a little letter and some Antwerp souvenirs like a post card or something, but he never did. He sends it to Jens. “I don’t really plan on staying here that long, just until this summer.”

“Oh. Oh, woah.”

Lucas beams without wanting to, watching Jens’s head duck as he looks at his phone.

“That’s so good, Lucas.”

“Thank you,” Lucas responds, his voice small. He shifts in his seat on the mattress, fidgeting as Jens looks up at him.

“That’s so good.”

“Who is it?” Jens looks back down, moving his fingers across the screen, and Lucas can tell he’s zooming in on the photo.

“My friend from Utrecht, he’s an artist too.”

“Oh!” Jens looks up again. “Speaking of artists. I have a friend I think you’ll like.”

“You think I’ll like him because he’s an artist?”

Jens drops his phone.

“I think you’ll like him because he’s a cool guy, and you already have something in common.”

“Okay, that’s fair.”

“You wanna meet him?” Jens asks, almost excitedly.

Lucas stares at him, tilting his head.

“Not in person,” Jens says. “Obviously.” He makes a face. “Sometimes we have, like, a group Zoom call with the guys, do you wanna join sometime?”

Lucas pauses, hoping Jens can see the despair in his face.

The guys.

“Uh— Yeah, why not?”

Jens beams.

It makes the screen glow brighter.

[yszarin]

seen people on twitter talking about what got them through 2020, but twitter scary so I’m just gonna ramble about podcasts here. I’ve loved audio fiction since I was little, when my brother used to bring me big finish doctor who to listen to when I was sick, and they’ve really been great for me this year in terms of... want story but too tired to keep eyes open? podcast. need to do a mundane task but can’t stay on it? podcast. need something on before you sleep because if you leave your brain to its own devices it’ll eat itself? podcast. looking for queer rep? podcast. below the cut I’ve stuck 10 of my favourites of the shows I started listening to this year, and I promise they’re not all from Definitely Human.

Down - fiction, horror - a state of the art submarine with a less than state of the art crew descends into a newly-discovered Antarctic trench, “The Bottomless Pit” for the purposes of exploration and science! This goes about as well as you would expect. Episodes are super short and it’s entirely possible to listen to the whole thing in less than a day, although unfortunately it’s currently unfinished due to covid, so I guess it’s more that in less than a day you, too, could join me in unintentional hiatus hell. It is worth it.    

Enthusigasm - nonfiction, talk - Rusty Quill patreon exclusive show in which Helen Gould talks to people about things they enjoy. It just has the loveliest energy, and is exactly what I’ve needed this year. They’ve done episodes on subjects including baking, the horror genre and trash tv, and every one of them has been a joy, even when it’s about stuff I’m not into personally. How RQ manages to consistently produce The Best Content I don’t know, but by god do they do it.

Everything is Alive - interview - Gemma Amor recommended this and she’s usually right about such things. It’s a series of interviews with inanimate objects, all of which are animate now and have things to say. I’m particularly fond of the gay subway seats and was emotionally distraught by the cuddly toy. Very good to listen to to fall asleep.

Marscorp - fiction, sci-fi comedy - Station Supervisor E. L. Hob is awoken from suspended animation on Mars and must do her best to restore the colony’s original purpose of terraforming the planet. If you teased Jonny Sims for naming his main character after himself and also playing him please get ready to forgive him for everything, as you meet Tom Dalling, David Knight, and Dave Price, played by Tom Dalling, David Knight, and David Price, and written by Tom Dalling, David Knight, and David Price. I’m furious.  

Pax Fortuna! - actual play, adventure - a rotating group of characters leaves a horrified and occasionally maimed trail of NPCs behind them as they adventure in and around the prosperous island city of Fortuna. The shifting cast works really well, allowing for some PCs who are just objectively terribly people, while keeping the whole thing feeling really fun. Particular favourite PCs are Selwyn Bloodstorm, half-orc in search of gold accidentally ending up with friends, Alfonso Boyo, a necromancer but only in the most bureaucratic and horrifying way possible, and Almira Q Appleby, gnome inventor presenting such items as The Potato Peeler (may contain combat setting) to an unsuspecting public. The series comprises six interconnected smaller stories, each with multiple episodes, all of which are around 25-30 minutes long, which has been a particular joy for me, as someone who has difficulty with episode lengths of over an hour and is so often “I love AP podcasts. love to actually listen to one someday”. Pax Fortuna! is the caramelised nut bowl of actual plays, in that I found it very difficult to stop consuming it, now it’s all gone, and I’m sad. There are only two fics on AO3. Please listen to Pax Fortuna!.    

Shadows at the Door - anthology, horror - A collection of quiet horror stories, mixing older tales, both classic and less well-known, and modern ones. The soundtrack is by Nico, one of the editors on TMA and Good Egg, and it turns out, also Skilled Egg at soundtracks. Each story is followed-up by a discussion of its themes, and some tangents. Also very nice to fall asleep to, lots of suggestions of new things to look for, and the stories themselves are well-dramatised.  

The Monster Hunters - fiction, comedy - It took me a bit of time to settle into this - I have a tendency to bounce off comedy, apparently - but once I had I was very settled. Roy Steel and Lorrimer Chesterfield are there with fists and brains respectively to hunt monsters and be anything from vaguely to pointedly sexist because it’s the 60s/70s (it is intentional and ludicrous). If you’re familiar with John Finnemore’s Souvenir Programme, you can listen out for Simon Kane as Sir Maxwell House. Some nice spooks, especially in the Christmas specials.

The Amelia Project - fiction, comedy - Need to disappear? The Amelia Project will help you fake your death and reappear in a new life. Each episode takes the form of an interview with a new client, in which they tell their story, and the circumstances of their death and next life will be decided. The creators had a stall at PodUK and gave me some Malteasers which it took me approximately 10 months to eat because I didn’t feel like I’d listened to enough of their show to deserve them. Fun fact! There are plenty of chocolate foodstuffs that will take this length of time in their stride and still be as new when you eat them, but Malteasers are not one of them. Luckily finishing off S2 of The Amelia Project has been its own reward, and I still have plenty to go!   

The Infinite Bad - actual play, horror - a slowly-forming found family leaves a traumatised and usually dead trail of NPCs behind them despite their best efforts, as they are embroiled in a globe-spanning investigation of horror and mystery. Uses a modified version of the d20 modern system, set in the inter-war period, and, it should be noted, contains depictions of period-typical racism. Other CWs (this list is not exhaustive) include child death, pet death, gore, disease, misc death (so much misc death), so please be careful if you choose to listen. Also contains stairs, the inherent malevolence of citrus products, and things which are viscous.

These Flimsy Rituals - actual play, fantasy - I’m not very far into this one, due to episode lengths, but when I have the spell slots to do so I always enjoy listening to it. I’m in the first bit, which follows a group of people fleeing a living storm. They have some really lovely lyrical bits at the starts of the episodes that I could listen to for hours, I’ve found those of the characters that I’ve met very engaging, and I’m interested to see how it unfolds.

[disasterbialert]

So, I finished The Untamed and ok ok I think I have collected most of my thoughts about it. (I’m late, so I guess these thoughts don’t really matter, but I wanted to put them somewhere and here seemed like the place.) SO here’s a post absolutely NO ONE WANTS and imma do it anyway cool cool.

Firstly: love. This entire show is about love. Obviously other things too ok I’m simplifying for the sake of my point. But importantly it is about love. The love for our families, found, made and blood. The love of soulmates, romantic and platonic. The love of humanity, of the people known and unknown, love for them purely because they are human and are therefore deserving of love. The love inherent in honour and duty, the sacrifices made for that love. Loving someone—bravely, in the face of every adversity, despite being told it’s wrong. Learning to be true to that love, learning to love faithfully, learning to love, to show love, to be loved.

Bless the tireless translators. Y’all. The work you do is often thankless but y’all are so valued. Thank you.

The music. I actually don’t have the words for this, I can only thank the composers and musicians for the gifts they have blessed us with. My heart my heart my heart.

The costumes, set, props and cinematography are all so exquisite. I’m not an expert in any of these fields but I can see the care and detail paid to each facet of this show. What an absolute visual joy. Stunning.

And now, the characters.

I’ll start with the ladies. They deserved so much more. We deserved to have more than just one by the end, but I understand this wasn’t their story (still hurts tho).

Jiang Yanli. Proof that kindness is powerful. Her heart holds entire worlds. She is not weak (don’t even try me I swear to the gods). She holds her family together. She takes care of her siblings. She feeds their bodies and their souls. WWX is right—JZX does not deserve her but that’s because nobody does. But Jiang Yanli deserves to be happy, therefore her marriage to the Flower Peacock is valid purely bc it makes her happy. She stands up for what’s right, she will not compromise her morals, she will defend her family to her last breath (and so she does💔). She does not harden herself, she does not have to. Her patience and kindness, her softness, her gentleness—things that are seen as weaknesses or inferiorities—are what put her above all around her. She is gracious, she is strong, she is loving, she is determined, she is brave. She deserved better.

Wen Qing. A queen. A powerhouse. The most brilliant mind. A lightning-quick and sharp-bladed tongue. She loves Wen Ning so much and her love is powerful, just as Jiang Yanli’s. Her dedication and devotion to her people, her true family, not just a name, is incredible, inspiring. Why? Because she’s not perfect. So she learns. She grows. She becomes herself. When she’s at the Burial Mounds, she essentially adopts WWX as another younger brother, caring for him because she knows he won’t care for himself, and she does so out of love and respect. But she never replaces Jiang Yanli. She is keenly aware of all she perceives WWX loses because he aids them. Hence the pivotal, crucial: I’m sorry and thank you. She walks to what she knows is her own death with her head held high and her hand in her brother’s, offering love and support and what protection she can to the end. She does not flinch. She does not bow. She fights with all of her and surrenders with grace not reflected by those she surrenders to. Honestly I could write an entire thesis on Wen Qing but I’ll cry too hard so I’ll just leave it here that she deserved better, she deserved to live, she deserved to be free.

Mian Mian. Mian motherfucking Mian. Here is a woman who stares injustice full in the face and says no fucking way, says over my dead body, says you and what army old man. Strips the robes of the hypocritical off her own damn body, throws them at the feet of a false god and walks out, back straight, head held high. She makes her own way in the world, carves out her own life, finds love and happiness and lives. She does not compromise. She does not bow. She fights and she wins and she is glorious. And she lives she lives she lives.

Yu ZiYuan. I may be in the minority here but that’s ok. No I don’t approve of her abuse, just gonna nip that one in the bud right out of the gate. Was she fair? No. Was she cruel? Yes. Was she an incredible fighter who fought for her family, for her home? Who showed raw courage and furious strength in the face of insurmountable odds? Who loved a man with her whole bitter heart, loved her children with that same fractured heart? Was clearly the subject of spiteful rumour and vicious gossip and did not let it defeat her? Refused to bow to anyone? I do not like her, do not like how her bitterness made her cruel. But seeing her wield her blade, take wound after wound, witness the death of her love, then take her own blade and rob the monsters invading her home of the satisfaction of taking her life, took her own life with her own hands because that’s how she did everything in her life so why the fuck wouldn’t she do it in death too, who crawled her way to the man she loved, laced their fingers together so he wouldn’t die alone, so they could both die held? How can I not respect her.

Ok. The lads.

Jiang Cheng is a man-child idiot with the emotional expression range of a loquat, an inferiority complex the size of the moon and self-worth issues going back farther than the Big Bang, and I love him, ok? He loves so hard and so much and it is heartwrenching that he cannot communicate that. Some of his best moments are actually in the background, which is both funny and terribly sad. His rage is at times ridiculous, at times frustrating, at times all he has left, his joy is bright but brief, his grief is devastating. Watching JY greet WWX after the 3 months in the Burial Mounds. The entire temple scene. Crying on his knees. We were to be the Heroes of Yunmeng. Take care. Fuck me right in my feelings ok.

Wen Ning is so fucking precious and I would die for him for all eternity. What an absolute gift his character is. I honestly can’t write much more about him because I’ll cry. But special mentions to his interactions with A-Yuan/Lan SiZhui and the incredible scene where he reveals to Jiang Cheng the truth about his/WWX’s golden core. Unparalleled emotional intensity. The equal parts tenderness and fierceness of his love is breathtaking.

And the loves.

Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen. There is a lot of tragedy in The Untamed. There is great sadness in the main plot line and even in the small side plots. The Ballad of Song Lan and Xian Xingchen (as it’s come to be known in my head) is for me the most devastating and poignant. They just wanted to do good, to wander the world together and do their part to make it a better and safer place. It’s noble, yes, but it’s also so human, so close to home. Because we all want that, to know that we can do some good before we leave this world. They do not want to be involved in the petty squabbles, the undignified and cruel vying for power and dominance. They simply want to live and be. The fact that both of their deaths are pointless, could have been avoided, are the faults of poor timing and terrible terrible luck and cruel turns fate is almost what makes it sadder. Xue Yang screams that XXC is not better than him, that his righteousness and the righteous way he has attempted to live his life is all for naught. And then he is immediately proven wrong—XXC’s heartbreak means he can’t become XY’s puppet. SL is free from XY’s control and avenges himself and XXC. Which is also somehow just as devastating. That XXC and SL were so close, so very close to being together, to living, to making it, but didn’t. Nothing grand or heroic about their deaths—just the unknown and unpredictable nature of life. There is no rhyme or reason, no big important plan, no fate or destiny. They both simply die as we all one day will. And it is their potential cut short, the love and life they could’ve had, that hurts the most. They are not Lan Zhan and Wei Ying: they do not get their second chance, their reunion, their happily ever after. The look shared between SL and LWJ—the shared grief, the recognition, the understanding—and LWJ’s brief and unelaborated-on comment to WWX ‘how fortunate’ speaks volumes. How fortunate you came back/I found you/that’s not us when it could’ve been. That final shot of SL walking away and the brief out-of-focus moment of XXC walking beside him—particularly when it’s echoed with the parallel of WWX and LWJ—chokes me every time.

Wei Ying and Lan Zhan. Soulmates in every sense of the word. Their song. Their bunnies. Their child. The years they were robbed of. The yearning. The pining. The loyalty. The growth. The love the love the love. The loss the loss the loss. Every Lan Zhan. Every Wei Ying. Every glance. Every soft breath. Every gentle touch. The tenderness. The intimacy. The quiet acceptance. Their love story is one of the ages and, on a personal note as a queer person, what a gift it is to see a queer love story like this. (even when censored as a bromance, which like I mean, they tried but the glances alone are +9000 gay pining but whatever and yes I am making a joke because I’m crying don’t look at me)

TL;DR: I am so thankful The Untamed/CQL/MDZS and all of its adaptations (the source material included obvs) exists. I am so thankful to the writers, translators, casts, crews, creators. I am thankful for the community of fans that exist that love it as I do, who share that love and passion—whether through passionate discussion, rich fanfic or mind-blowing fanart. I am thankful I live in a time where content like this exists and can be shared. I learned a whole lot and I’m so grateful there aren’t even words. Love y’all. I’m gonna go be soft now. 💙

[the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see]

literally! i could go on a whole rant about my family back in india, but i’ll save you the horrible details. sexist, homophobic and racist assholes but they’re family and ridiculously charming so sometimes you can’t help but like them a little bit occasionally.

i remember being young and instantly wanting to label myself which obviously didn’t turn out to well. in a weird way i felt like i couldn’t ever “come out” to anyone- like it wasn’t until dan’s video that it rlly clicked that my identity as a lgbt person didn’t have to rely on labels. sorry that got deep, but i’m queer and i love it. just a baby queer 🥺🏳️‍🌈

ahhhh i hate to say it but you’re missing out! there’s a lot of rlly well written fics and cute headcannons :)

also yes there is a dnp in every universe. magnus is more like theatrical so like dan vibes. and ig phil is a bit more quiet and awkward? phil would also be catastrophic with a bow and arrow here let’s be honest. in conclusion, there is a dnp in every universe but phil somehow always gets himself in trouble (the man ate superglue for gods sake)

istg the first time i watch a joint video everything goes over my head cause i’m just freaking out over them and it’s only till like the third time when i start registering things lmao. (also dan video!! it’s going to be my first dinof upload!!)

a.. a toilet museum for the piece of shits we are. babe!!! you know me so well! *wipes away tears*

awhh tree you missed me! (also we’re newlyweds we’re allowed to be clingy on main smh. also i forget other people can read these lmao. shout out to the confused bystanders and lurkers!)

anyways, ilysm <3

mwah! (here’s your kiss)

- indi <3 <3

(with an extra long reunion hug cause i missed you loads)

p.s- guess what? i think you’re hilarious too :) (mwah! surprise kiss!)

no but you got it exactly right, i hate the things they say and do 90% of the time, but they'll say one (1) thing thats okay and im immediately back at square one loving them. it feels so weird sometimes to know they hate parts of me and love other parts, but i guess i kind of do that as well, and honestly im never going to be smart enough to sit down and figure it out, so i might as well roll with it

it was the same for me -- as soon as i figured out i was queer i instantly slapped labels on myself and interchanged them when they didnt fit faster than swatting a fly, which probably wasnt that great for my mental health at the time, and it was only after i spent two hours googling different labels and realizing i had literally tried all of the ones i'd been seeing that i was like oh screw it and legit a week later i was like why the FUCK didnt i do this before bc i was so much happier with a broad label to call myself and no label in my head than i ever was trying to mold myself into one. i love being queer tooooo!! best part about having such a broad definition of yourself is relating to everyone and not feeling like one group "owns" you more than the other. it quite literally is "you gay??? i gay!!! yay!!!!!"

no yeah im definitely going to read some (when i remember lol. symbrock owns my heart rn) if theyre Like That in the books i can only imagine fics 😌 malec my beloved (also looking forward to finding malex fics mixed between, like rick i know you're a cassie stan but maybe chill lol) (ah that reminds me, i just got chain of iron and the dedication 🥺 author besties are the best, i cant wait to read it) (but goddamn, its so Thicc, its one huge book)

gods, if i had any art skills whatsoever i would draw dan with warlock robes and cat eyes, plus can you imagine phil with runes and a seraph? wouldnt even have to change anything bc phil has black hair and blue eyes and magnus has brown hair 😌 they really are in every universe through and through. plus, alec is pretty clumsy too, hes mostly good with a bow bc of his sure-strike runes and etc, so theres still hope for phil. and i can definitely see dan being like "ugh shadowhunters get them out- oh? shadowhunter pretty? mine"

no but actually, i also watch them in a state of shock and wouldnt be able to answer any questions whatsoever about it until the third rewatch. honestly if it weren't for so many people live-reacting i would have absolutely no clue what's going on (ahhh your first dan video!! you are about to love your dinof virginity, i hope youre prepared 😌 glad its a full-out production for the post-big phannies bc honestly yall deserve a comeback in style)

*blushes* aw shucks. well, we got married for a reason, didnt we? 🥰

☺ i did miss youuu 🥺 (you jest but i'd be that annoying friend whos like you wanna know what my spouse did yesterday *no* oh well, they- and do that for at least a year, lmao. i also forget other people read these, it's like what??? no we were whispering?? shout out to the non-indians reading our telugu rants and quietly muttering whatthefuckwhatthefuck under their breaths, we're not on drugs i promise)

ily toooo <3

mwah mwah, i missed you so you get two <3

(*hugs you back really hard bc i missed you too*)

ilysm indi <3

😊🥰🥺 awww thank youuuu (ah! you got me again!! mwah) <3

[neriad13]

Favorite Media of 2020!

There was a large swathe of this year during which I was unable to concentrate on reading (as there probably was for a lot of other typically-frequent readers), so, as a result, I ended up listening to way more podcasts and watching way more TV shows. Not a bad thing, but boy did I read way less books than usual. 

However, for the first time in a while, the amount of fiction I read was about equal with the amount of nonfiction I read. Last year’s reading resolution was to read more fiction, so...success??

I did read a lot of phenomenal fiction when I had the energy to do so this year.

Books - Fiction

The Martian - Andy Weir

This book is the hardest of the hard sci fi I think I’ve ever read. Every single aspect of it is minutely researched and calculated. The author literally wrote equations to write this book. The science is insanely impressive and yet...it never loses its sense of humor or humanity in the mix. In fact, they’re the thing that drives the entire story.

Warlock Holmes - G. S. Denning

Way early in the year I was strolling down the fantasy aisle at the library, when this cover caught my eye. I took one look at it, went “oh, this looks silly” and...proceeded to devour the entire series in a matter of weeks. 

It is very silly. Especially when it’s pointing out something that was silly in the original. There’s something so satisfying about Watson immediately answering Holmes with the correct number of steps in their flat when he’s trying to make his point about how most people don’t pay attention to things like that.

World War Z - Max Brooks

Every single scenario in here could easily support an entire book. A park ranger whose job it is to contain the yearly zombie spring thaw? HECK YES. I’d read tens of thousands of words about that. A Chinese admiral who defaults, steals the government’s premier submarine, loads it up with the families of his underlings and takes to the sea for years to live in the maritime economy that has sprung up in a world where everyone is trying to escape the shore? That could be an entire movie on its own. 

Every chapter was more creative than the last and as a huge worldbuilding fan, this book was so, so fun.

An Unkindness of Ghosts - Rivers Solomon

In which a queer, neurodivergent protagonist solves a mystery on a spaceship which is a microcosm of antebellum era politics! This had a beautiful, mysterious, wonder-inducing writing style and it was a joy to peer into the wildly differing minds of every single character.

Books - Nonfiction

Underland - Robert MacFarlane

In every chapter, the author visits a different hole. Basically.

It’s an exploration of caves, catacombs, mines, nuclear waste facilities and the hidden underbelly of every forest. It was fascinating. And fundamentally changed how I look at time.

Rejected Princesses - Jason Porath

After years of having enjoyed the web entries, I finally got my hands on the first book and was not disappointed. 

There are the more entertaining entries, of course and the art is as charming as always, but what struck me the most were the more difficult stories. The deeper you go into this book, the more horrific it gets. The author does not hold back on the indignities suffered by the historical figures he writes about. It’s terrible...but also very, very illuminating.

The Gift of Fear - Gavin De Becker

This book - while maintaining all the essential information in it - could be pared down to one sentence in a sea of blank pages and that sentence would be: trust your instincts. End of story.

But in a world where instincts are either customarily suppressed or going haywire, it’s not quite that easy, which is why I’m glad there is more to the book.

I picked it up thinking “ha ha, betcha can’t help a person with anxiety who fears all the time already” and...what it actually ended up doing was giving me the tools to differentiate between real fear and unfounded fear. And did help with the anxiety quite a bit.

Fanfiction

Watch Over Me - cakeisatruth

A Bioshock fic from the point of view of a little sister who is learning how to trust and be an ordinary child again. Dark and sweet. An excellent combo.

All That is Visible - Ultima_Thule

An exploration of a minor character in a well researched historical context? That’s my jam! How did they know?? A Tron fic about what it’s like to be a female programmer in the 70s.

Graphic Novels

The Adventure Zone - McElroys + Carey Pietsch

Yesssssssss! It was a running-to-the-library type event whenever my library got a new volume in. The jokes are so good, the art is so lively and the ways in which they added the details that the podcast couldn’t necessarily get across is *mwah*

Trail of Blood - Shuuzou Oshimi

Hoooooooly shit, the art style of this one!! It’s beautifully detailed and expressive, sure, but the real draw for me was how it changes with the emotional state of the main character. There’s this sequence in which he’s consumed with anxiety at school and all of his classmates become blurry and unfocused, until they can’t be recognized as humans at all, that particularly sticks with me.

It’s a horror story about a kid who witnesses his loving mother push his cousin off a cliff for seemingly no reason and is then obligated by her to keep the secret, which is eating him from the inside out. It’s so good, guys, please read it.

Level Up - Gene Lien Yang/Thien Pham

A story about a kid who is haunted by his late father’s desire for him to become a gastroenterologist. It’s funny and touching and the ending gave me what I can only describe as a feeling of exhilaration. Y’know that feeling when something unexpected but not out of left field, perfectly in tune with the narrative arc and gut bustingly funny happens, all in the same panel? That one.

Film

Searching

This is a fairly standard thriller about a dad trying to find out what happened to his missing daughter. It’s also found footage...but not in the usual way, which was what made it so compelling to me. It’s told through the dad’s phone calls, google searches, social media interactions, news footage, security cameras and webcams. It was such a cool way to tell a story.

Train to Busan

There’s a lot that’s already been said about this movie and I don’t think there’s much more I can meaningfully add to that. Suffice to say that ya gotta take care of each other if you’re going to survive a zombie apocalypse!!

TV Series

My Brother’s Husband

As close to a perfect adaptation as a person can get (barring the entire conversation in English which was...oof). I was so happy when they took it a step further and showed Kana and Yaichi actually getting to meet Mike’s family.

Zumbo’s Just Desserts

I watched a lot of baking shows this year. Like...a lot. They were my much-needed comfort viewing for the year and this one was my favorite, even over The Great British Baking Show (which I LOVE). Why? Because the pastry chef for whom it’s named makes such bizarre and wonderful desserts and fosters an environment in which the competitors do the same. I’ve never seen anything like a lot of the desserts that make an appearance on this show. Every single episode was an awesome surprise and so help me, this show had better get a third season.

She-ra and the Princesses of Power

There’s also a lot that’s been said about this one, so I won’t say much more. Suffice to say: DAMN. That’s how you do an 80s toy tie-in cartoon remake.

Infinity Train

This show’s premise is probably the most unique I’ve seen in recent years. Its balance of comedy, horror and existential dread is also *mwah* I also love how much it trusts the viewer to figure things out on their own.

Primal

A late entry sliding in before the year ends! I finally got to watch the second half of the first season last weekend and it was EXCELLENT. The pacing, the brutal fight scenes, the adorable dinosaur antics, the animation, the quiet moments - *mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah*

The most emotional moment for me was the part in which the protagonists watch, with sorrow, as the rabid dinosaur who’s been trying to kill them all night dies an excruciating death.

Also it sets up a fascinating new plotline right before ending in a cliffhanger!! Another one for the ‘had better get a next season’ list.

Games

Night in the Woods

This is one that’s been on my to play list for a few years and I was so glad I finally got my hands on it. It’s like...The Millennial Experience (TM), the game. I felt so seen, playing it. The character writing was fantastic.

Prey

I don’t know why I put off finishing this for so long. I guess I wasn’t in the right alien killing headspace for a while?? Anyway, the setting is gorgeous, the alien biology is weird and cool, the ethics are delightfully murky and the interconnectedness of the station was really cool, especially in the OH SHIT moments at the end. 

Podcasts

The Adventure Zone

I tried to narrow this down to one favorite arc, but found that I couldn’t do it. I love Balance for its comedy and creative energy. I love Amnesty for its drama and acting. I am loving Graduation for the depth of its world and the way in which the real story behind everything that’s happened is slowly unfurling. It’s a good podcast all around.  

The Magnus Archives

Who obsessively listened to every single season while playing Minecraft in about a month? Surely not me, nooooo. Of course not.

There’s also been a lot said on this one, so I’ll keep it brief. I’ve seen things in here that I haven’t really seen elsewhere in horror. My particular favorites were the creepy psychiatric hospital in which the horror comes not from the patients, but from the denial of the doctor to believe them about their mental illnesses and every single thing related to the Anthropocene. The one with the Amazonian village made out of trash - CHILLS.

[starlight-and-seafire]

As a personal challenge to myself, and because I’m pretty fond of writing about these two dorks in love, I wanted to see if I could complete all the available Damerey Daily prompts.

And, as of a few hours ago, they are all complete (and one prompt got two fics because I had two different ideas, and one prompt I did twice because I forgot I did the first one. Oops.)

All together, it’s 19,719 words over 93 separate works. Thank you to everyone who read, hit that kudos button, and commented!

The full list with links to the drabbles or ficlets, all relatively short with a few exceptions, are available below!

(Anything with three *** at the end are rated M or E)

January

Unspin the laws

No, his smile isn’t much like a skeleton at all.

Um… I’m gonna need vodka in a water glass, with ice, and I’m gonna be ordering ‘water’ from you all night long so… one… ‘water,’ please.

I write mostly on hotel paper, knowing that my thoughts will never leave this room.

You are the best thing that’s ever been mine.

Say that you’ll hold me forever; say that the wind won’t change on us.

I guess I kind of hate most things. But I never really seemed to hate you. So I want to spend the rest of my life with you, is that cool?

What’s that? In the distance? Such a ghostly glow.

I know.

Anywhere you go, let me go too. Love me: that’s all I ask of you.

“That’s right! It was a twist!” “No, it was a lie. A lie is not a twist.”

Sometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on.

Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is love intensified by absence?

There are so many lives I want to share with you. I will never be complete until… I do.

There will be boys who will tell you you’re beautiful, but only a few will see you.

Thinking that you can’t protect the ones you love, you have to hope they’re smart enough to save themselves.

Live with me and be my love.

Silence is a protective coating over pain.

He looked at you like you were the brightest planet in the galaxy.

And all the constellations shine down for us to see. Fic 1  / Fic 2

They are the hunters, we are the foxes (and we run). ***

It well may be that in a difficult hour… I might be driven to sell your love for peace… or trade the memory of this night for food… It may well be – I do not think I would.

And mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you. Not even a little bit. Not even at all.

As you wish.

I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday.

“Sir? I’d like you to take the helm, please. I need this man to tear all my clothes off.” “Work, work, work!” ***

‘Cause we got the fire, and we’re burning one hell of a something.

Take this sinking boat and point it home.

Most of all, I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling, the rest of my whole life, the way I feel when I’m with you.

So this is how liberty dies: with thunderous applause.

I did not make it out unscathed! I am extremely scathed!

February

And this all started as your standard ‘who would survive the zombie apocalypse’ debate.

Darling, I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.

We sow our truth, wait patiently.

Sweet creature, had another talk about where it’s going wrong.

I know that a life without love is no life at all. ***

They’re fascinating. It’s like being inside a dream or something. There’s truth but no logic.

You know, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually checked out that snow globe museum that you recommended, and it was pretty awesome, I have to say. I mean, I did get in trouble for shaking one.

Is this horny crying?? ***

Do or do not, there is no try.

I wish I were a girl again, half-savage and hardy, and free.

Just when I think I’m out, those cheeks pull me right back in. ***

When I was growing up I didn’t have a normal mom and dad or a regular family like everybody else, and I always knew that something was missing. But now I’m standing here today knowing that I have everything I’m ever going to need. You are my family.

Make the baby do the magic hand thing! C'mon, baby, do the magic hand thing!

I’ve been thinking. What if I decided to go flying around the galaxy with some scoundrel?

This bridge will only take you halfway there.

Great, I’d like your $8-est bottle of wine, please.

Just remember, every time you look up at the moon, I, too, will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously, That’s impossible.

I keep meeting all the right people–at all the wrong times.

I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you–especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame.

Never repent of your own goodness, child. To stay true in the face of evil is a feat of great strength. Fic 1 / Fic 2

He saved me in every way that a person can be saved.

I lost so much of the world’s beauty, as if I were watching every shining gift on its branch with one eye. Because I was hungry. Because I was waiting to eat, a self crawling about the world in search of small things.

She had fallen in love with him twice. She loved him now with both loves, so overpowering it was almost unbearable.

Make ten men feel like a hundred.

the long syntax of las montañas that lined his village, the rhyme of sol with his soul—

“You’ve got this. You could debate the entire Senate in your sleep.” “I have!” “I know you have. We share a bed. It’s been hell.”

[Kylo Ren], Good to see you. But if you’re here, who’s guarding Hades?

I cannot make speeches. If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ***

Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.

March

Because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

It’s not about who you know. Enlightenment comes from within. [Luke Skywalker] texted me that.

This is not yours to fix alone. You act like you’re all alone out there in the world, but you’re not. You’re not alone.

“But what if you met the right man, who worshipped and adored you? Who’d do anything for you? Who’d be your devoted slave? Then what would you do?” “I’d pity him.”

“You Rebel scum!!” [Han]:“…Scum?”

I bet I’ll never appear in a dream or a summer dress or next door. Displaying on one hand my prowess, the other my difficultness, I bet there will be just enough pain to keep me alive, long enough for the moon to be mine.

“Hate that nickname. Addicted to lemon bars. I’m in!”

Laugh it up, fuzzball.

I will love you until there is no till. / Till I die.

“The first time we met we hated each other.” “You didn’t hate me, I hated you. And the second time we met, you didn’t even remember me.” “I did too, I remembered you. The third time we met, we became friends.” “We were friends for a long time.” “And then we weren’t.” “And then we fell in love.” “Three months later we got married.” “It only took three months.” “Twelve years and three months.”

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.

If you live to be a hundred, I hope I live to be a hundred minus one day, so that I never have to live a day without you.

Just as the whale, stuck in its baleen grin, climbs up out of the depths.

This is my boyfriend [Poe], and this is [Poe’s] boyfriend [NAME]. [Poe] is gay but he’s straight for me and he’s gay for [NAME] and [NAME] really gay for [Poe]. And I [love/]hate [NAME].

“I’m still mad at you, but I need to prioritize my hate right now. It goes [him/them/]her, cooked green peppers, and then back to you.”

She’s our friend, and she’s crazy!

If you’re ever lucky enough to find true love, you fight for it every day

Dying is easy, young man. Living is harder.“

“She’s at that age where she only has one thing on her mind.” “Boys?” “Homicide.”

Does [he/]she know that you told me you’d hold me until you died–and you’re still alive?

There is nothing more terrifying than the absoluteness of one who believes he’s right.

Our fates are sealed. But I think we have one move left: We can try.

The world is too quiet without you nearby.

“Why has the car stopped?” “It’s frightened.”

I am totally butt crazy in love with [Name]!!!

Any day spent with you is my favorite day. So, today is my new favorite day.

What you did was impulsive, capricious and melodramatic, but it was also wrong.

But what was the point of living so quietly you made no noise at all? ***

I, myself, am strange and unusual.

We have no plan. No one’s coming to save us. So… I’m going to do it.

[bigskydreaming]

Ok so everyone and their mama is being resurrected on Krakoa and so many people in marvel have gone through the revolving door that is death. So please tell me just one little thing. Where is Irene Adler? Is she still dead? If not, then why is she only just now being brought back? Why is one of the most iconic imo queer couples still suffering? #GiveMystiqueHerWife #LetMyWLWBeHappy #BringDestinyBack

She is still dead, but she hasn’t been forgotten - this is actually a long-running subplot Marvel laid down, though I’m with you in wanting them to Get To It already. My guess is we’ll start to see more building towards this particular plotline once X of Swords is done, though it won’t actually be the NEXT major storyline. Just a hunch, but my bet is the next focal storyline the X-books concentrate on after X of Swords wraps up is the conflict brewing with the Children of the Vault, after Darwin, Laura and Synch got taken prisoner by them in one of the earlier issues of the core X-Men title. 

Alternatively, the next major focus is going to be on what’s brewing under the surface with Vulcan (though its also possible these are going to be one and the same. Gabe’s stories have always been linked with Darwin’s more than anyone else, and given that he’s front and central to whatever’s front and central with whatever’s coming with the CotV, it wouldn’t surprise me if our next face to face with Gabe’s ‘dark side’ ties into that same story. Ugh, Gabe going all Emperor Vulcan again and teaming up with the Children of the Vault....now there’s a scary thought. But dammit, just let Gabe be good, I’m so tired of this ‘there’s something just innately dark and evil inside of him’ crap, bleh. BUT I DIGRESS).

But anyway, the thing with Destiny is actually an ongoing subplot. Back in Powers of X, it was explicitly ‘decided’ by Moira, Xavier and Magneto that they were actively going to try and keep any precogs from being resurrected on Krakoa, including - and ESPECIALLY Irene - because basically, they’re afraid of the precogs, and the fact that there’s no hiding from them Xavier’s big secret.....for all his big talk, he doesn’t actually know what the HELL he’s doing. The thing they’re hiding from everyone else is that they actually already TRIED the Great Krakoa experiment at least once before, or at least to some degree, though we do know they’ve done at least some things differently this time around. 

But that was the future shown in Powers of X, where Moira ended up living 1000 years into the future before dying and resetting the timeline....and coupled with the fact that the three of them believe that they’re now on the LAST of Moira’s predicted eleven lifetimes, this is their last chance to ‘get it right’ so to speak, and to find a way forward that allows the mutant race to survive and flourish past any of the endpoints Moira’s previous lives and foreknowledge have shown....

Basically, the fear seems to be that if everyone else on Krakoa knew this background for how they came up with all of this and the futures they’re trying to avoid, as well as the fact that quite simply, they do not know if the course they’ve charted this time is going to be any more capable of circumventing the doom they keep butting up against lifetime after lifetime....this would undermine all faith in them and what they’re doing, and fracture the tenuous alliances that so far have everyone from the X-Men to Apocalypse and Sinister and Selene all working side by side. 

They ‘built’ modern Krakoa according to blueprints gleaned from actual knowledge of the future.....but they’re afraid of competing blueprints getting in the way of the road they’ve taken everyone down and derailing their own plan of action. Especially if everyone else were to find out that for all their confidence, they can’t say with certainty the road this time around is going to actually lead where they’re trying to go....and that in fact, they actually have a track record of a good half a dozen previous attempts where they got it disastrously wrong.

So even though Xavier explicitly promised Raven that he would resurrect Irene in exchange for her cooperation and her place on the Quiet Council.....he, Magnus and Moira have been shown meeting in secret to say that they are actually deadset against that happening. But Raven is no fool of course, and she’s suspected from the start that Xavier’s just playing her, and he has no intention of ever resurrecting Irene. (I mean, she was married to the man once, after all, as blergh as that Bendis-bite was. I may think it made for a spectacularly shitty and pointless story, but just saying, few people know how much shit Xavier is full of better than Mystique does). 

So we’ve been treated to scenes of Raven brooding deep in her underground Krakoan lair over a glance of wine and an angsty look at Irene’s old mask, vowing “I’ll get you yet, Xavier, and your little dog too,” because idk, why pass up a good Wicked Witch of the West allusion when its right there. Mystique works hard for her Brand, let her enjoy it.

She definitely knows the game that’s afoot, and she has no intention of letting Xavier get away with it. So she’s very clearly scheming on how to circumvent him and get the Five to resurrect Irene without Xavier’s help....but that’s easier said than done. She either needs leverage to force his hand, while still probably not knowing for sure WHY he’s stalling or trying to avoid bringing back Irene, and thus having no way to judge exactly HOW deadset against it he is, and thus how great of leverage she’d actually need to pull that off...or else, she needs a telepath she can trust (or y’know, trust that she has them securely in her pocket) but who also is strong enough to take Xavier’s place in the resurrection/brain download process....as well as needing access to the Cerebro archives where the back-ups of everyone’s consciousnesses are stored. 

(Incidentally, part of how Xavier’s been stalling here is he’s claimed once or twice that he only has back-ups stored of mutant consciousnesses from the point when he started actually preserving them, and Irene died BEFORE he started doing this so he just doesn’t have her in Cerebro, but this is pretty blatantly a lie. He brought back Petra and Sway, after all, and they very definitively died LONG before David killed Irene on Muir Island back in the day).

But yeah, I’m as impatient as anyone to see Irene back in action in all her chaotic cryptic glory, and for Raven/Irene to finally fucking rise the way they deserve. And oh holy hell is Raven’s wrath going to be an absofuckinglutely beautiful thing once she finally has her proof that Xavier - her ex-husband, lol, oh X-Men soap opera tangles - has been lying and scheming to keep her wife dead all this time. Like she’s literally said the words “I will burn Krakoa to the ground,” and I mean, its Raven. When she talks about razing Rome to ashes, she’s not joking. The woman does not bluff. She lies, she deceives, she steals, but she never ever fucking bluffs. There’s a big storm coming here and this particular one’s name is Hurricane Raven, not Ororo Munroe. I want it, and I want it nooooooooooow, lol, but I can’t actually claim that this has been overlooked by Marvel rather than just allotted a time table that isn’t to my liking because - 

OH I DON’T KNOW ITS NOT LIKE WE HAVEN’T ALREADY BEEN WAITING FOR THE RETURN OF IRENE ADLER FOR 84 BAJILLION FUCKING YEARS ALREADY, LIKE LOGAN HAS LITERALLY GONE TO HELL AND BACK A DOZEN TIMES SINCE IRENE FIRST EXITED PURSUED BY BEAR AND JEAN’S ASCENDED AND DE-PHOENIXED SO MANY TIMES DEATH HAS BASICALLY HANDED HER A PUNCH CARD THAT’S REDEEMABLE FOR ONE FREE RESURRECTION AFTER ITS ALL FULL AND C’MOOOOOOON. 

I mean.

WILDSIDE is back. After dying in Neverland in Tieri’s Weapon X run, RICHARD FREAKING GILL was brought back to life before IRENE FUCKING ADLER, I would simply like to express my undying HOOOOOOWWWWW??? to that. 

BUT.

I.

DIGRESS.

Ahem. Sorry, I just have very strong opinions on the subject of Irene, lololol. And well, everything. I probably have strong opinions on kumquats and I can’t actually recall at the moment if I’ve ever even eaten one or if I’m just particularly fond of that word and the saying of it. Look, you get what I mean.

Anyway, yeah. We’re getting Irene back eventually. There’s absolutely no way we’re not at this point. Even my cynicism can’t pretend otherwise. They haven’t just left Chekhov’s gun locked and loaded sitting on the mantlepiece here, they commissioned an entire arsenal of Chekhov’s guns and renamed them Irene Adler’s guns in her honor and left them all gift-wrapped on the front porch. Its coming. Its just not. Here YET. (Cut to me being a five year old on a long car ride are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet how bout now - )

So yeah. That’s the scoop, the skinny, the shit(ake mushroom) on this particular subject.

Incidentally, on a related note, I am still of the opinion that pretty much all of Powers of X was one giant red herring, and the real direction all of this is building towards, with Moira, with the Five and the resurrection protocols.......ultimately, I think its all really been about IRENE’S machinations from the start, and Moira and Charles have actually been marching to the beat of HER drum ever since the very first time Irene and Moira encountered each other way back in Moira’s fourth lifetime.

Basically, I think it allllllllll really comes back to the fact that....

Irene Adler is a beautiful fucking liar who lies as only Raven Darkholme’s One True Love possibly can, and she played Moira like a fiddle from Day Fucking ONE.

Full theory on that can be found here:

https://bigskydreaming.tumblr.com/post/188290623176/so-house-of-x-2plot-hole-or-lie-when-destiny

[novantinuum]

Bi the Way...

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: Teen

Words: 2.8K~

Pairings: Steven/Connie

Summary: Connie has a question, and also something to say.

Or: the one where Connie comes out as bisexual :D Set post Steven Universe: The Movie.

You can find the AO3 link in the reblogs! (I have to omit it from the original post these days to ensure this will show up in the tags.) If you enjoyed this, I’d greatly appreciate your support through reblogs here, or kudos on AO3 as well.

---

Bi the Way...

Outside the familiar coziness of Steven’s bedroom, the late autumn rain pours steadily, the choppy waters of the Atlantic crashing onto shore with a ferociousness Connie hasn’t seen for a number of months. Historically, Beach City has been blessed to be host to consistently good weather. But even the most consistently stable meteorological systems aren’t immune to the odd unexpected shake-up. It’s a necessity to clear the air with a great thunderous clap, sometimes. It relieves pressure that’s built up long term amongst the clouds. It leaves the atmosphere noticeably cleaner, the dirt below sparkling with that fresh scent that comes about after torrents of cool rain.

On this particular afternoon, she’s found that this is a lesson that holds just as true for people as it does the weather.

It begins with a stray comment, as things often do.

They’re watching TV, the two of them, tangled together on his bed. About once a week they’ll try to have one of these cuddle sessions, just some time alone together to relax and enjoy each other’s company in private. Working alongside a myriad of Gems to aid in the restructuring of an entire society can be excruciatingly stressful at points, and so can rigorous AP classes and the eye-rolling drudgery of high school drama. There’s no placing a hierarchy on these things for them, no matter their outward difficulty or importance, they’re all just... the challenges in life they have to win. And on occasion, they’re the challenges they need a quiet break from. Both of them are no stranger to throwing themselves at a problem and working endlessly towards a solution until they hit rock bottom and crash, but over the years they’ve started to recognize this tendency for the bad habit it is. It’s okay to take 'me' time, Connie’s constantly reminding Steven (and herself) whenever she catches him about to stubbornly sneak away to the galaxy warp with clear stress lines rimming his eyes. And without fail he’ll groan halfheartedly, knowing he’s been caught red-handed, and retire to his room to relax with a book or a board game or a few rounds of Lonely Blade: Resurgence instead.

Today’s workaholic distraction is a marathon of old Under the Knife episodes. It’s been a while since they’ve binged through this show, and when Steven brought it up and she started to feel super nostalgic about it, in a flash their entertainment for the afternoon was selected.

“Gosh, I honestly forgot how good this is,” he says in the middle of an episode, nudging her arm with his elbow. “The satirical nonsense, the passion, the drama? Eh?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty pulpy,” she giggles, nudging him right back. Then, directed at the unhearing characters on screen: “Ughh, Marigold, come on, just go out with him already! We all know you like him!”

“I can’t believe they kept this a slow burn for five entire seasons,” he comments, pursing his lips. “They’re literally perfect for each other!”

Connie throws her arms down against the mattress, palms stretched wide open. “I know, right?? Adrien’s like, a total dreamboat of a man.”

“Yeah, he is pretty cute,” Steven says, an unmistakable blush coloring his face and ears.

Connie pauses upon hearing this, gazing at her boyfriend thoughtfully with a soft smile as he continues to watch this old episode with the same level of investment he exhibited upon its first airing. He props his chin in the cradle of his hands, which of course only further exaggerates the curve of his chubby cheeks. His eyes are blown wide with youthful endeavor, the TV’s glow glinting against his irises in a myriad of continuously shifting colors. He is pretty cute, she thinks, his own adorably smitten words echoing through her mind. And then that blush...

There’s a question she’s had for quite a while but has never asked. Something she’s suspected of him, but had no concrete proof of. The reason? Even if they’re best friends, and now— boyfriend and girlfriend on top of that— the idea of asking him something like this just felt too... what’s the word... invasive. Not that there’s anything wrong with discussing this sort of stuff, no, no, of course not! That’s definitely not what she means. But talking about something as important as this, she just knows it would turn into an in-depth conversation, as most worldly topics tend to do with Steven Universe, and it’s only inevitable this conversation would eventually turn back on her. On why she cared to ask in the first place. And that answer was... well, straightforward, but something she’s not sure she’s ready to broadcast. As if she’s taken command of but a single fragment of Garnet’s future vision, in her restless mind she’s already mapped out what feels like every possible response he could have to her. Most of them are no more than anxiety laced fabrications, things he would never ever dare think of with his upbringing, but believe her when she says she’s been burdened with considering every possible outcome in great, excruciating length.

Now that she knows for sure there’s a strong chance he’s the same way, however... that narrows down these possibilities significantly.

Connie threads her fingers together, gathering the courage.

Come on, you. It’s just Steven. No script, no planning, just... say it!

She opens her mouth to speak before her anxiety laden mind can beg to differ.

“By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask- do you like girls and guys?”

Steven glances away from the television set to meet her curiosity head on. “Oh, you mean like, romantically?”

Running in automatic, she nods in confirmation. Here she goes. The answer to both her spoken question, and the question of which river of possibility this conversation will careen down.

He grins, scratching at the side of his neck. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, I guess I do! But I think I could like anyone, really. Guys, gals, none of the above. Doesn’t matter to me. That’s... okay, yes?”

“Silly, of course it’s okay! You don’t need my permission to like who you like. I just asked because I-“ Her heart pounds as she pauses briefly, focusing on the nervous jitters, but not in fear. Not anymore. Instead, that soft fluttering in her heart is nothing less than sheer exhilaration. She parts her lips once more, bravely speaking her inner truth into reality for the first time in her life. “I’m like that too. I... I’m bisexual.”

Her boyfriend’s whole expression lights up so bright she may as well be looking at a newborn star.

“Oh, really? That’s awesome!” he says, throwing an arm around her shoulder to side hug her. (Knowing him, his keen empathetic ability likely led him to sense the internal battle she waltzed through just to state this out loud.)

The forgotten soap opera continues to play in the background as Connie gives a bashful laugh.

“Hehe, glad you think so. You’re actually, um... the first person I’ve ever said that out loud to,” she says, blushing.

Steven looks as if he’s about to say something in response, but then he pauses— fades into a silence that’s deliberate and measured— as he gazes back at her. Drinks in the moment. Wonders how he could be so lucky to hold her trust like this, or how— heck, he could be thinking anything, she has no idea! Unlike him she can only catch small glimpses into how he feels, the truth woven like gossamer threads through his words and actions, but in this one hallowed moment she doesn’t need to guess. The spark of affection dancing within his dark eyes is soft, perhaps softer than he’s ever looked at her before.

More than anything, Connie feels seen. Years back, long before sword training and Gem missions, long before that fateful day she discovered the beautiful temple (it looked like it could very well be a Hindu goddess, and that cultural connection alone made this slice of beach instantly familiar) hidden on the other side of the hill and decided to park herself there with a book, she’d grown used to feeling invisible. Before she bravely chose to step into this world of magic, it’s as if she forgot that she even had a choice to stand out, to openly shine as the unique, extraordinary individual she is. Admittedly, she still struggles with that to this day. But whenever she’s with him, with her Steven? It’s as if her universe explodes into a kaleidoscope of dizzying color where everything is so, so beloved and worthwhile. She’s worthwhile.

She can only hope being with her makes him feel the same way.

“I know it’s silly after everything we’ve been though,” she continues in time, still having a few things on her mind she suddenly has an exhilarating need to set free, “but I always kinda worried that people... would belittle me for it, I guess. Especially my parents. That like, there’s some upper limit to the number of unusual things about my life they’ll accept.”

“It’s not that unusual, though,” Steven says with a shrug. “I mean, Ruby and Sapphire are legally married. Sure, the Gems aren’t exactly women, but they do present that way. And then Pearl was in love with Mom, of course. Oh, and Amethyst once told me, and I quote, that ‘like a whip, I swing in every direction.’”

Connie snorts at this, and even he can’t help but laugh.

“Let’s see, what else...” he muses, peering at the ceiling thoughtfully as he continues to list the queer individuals he knows of. “Jenny, Buck, and Sour Cream are all dating each other. Mr. Smiley finally reconnected for real with his old comedy partner, and they’re dating. And my dad may not be seeing anyone but he’s always been openly pansexual.”

“Well, it’s not usual in my family,” she says glumly, nestling her chin into his bed’s comforter as the terrifying possibility of rejection hits her harder than expected. Her glance roams. On the television screen, the episode they were watching had paused automatically, a message asking if they’re still there popping up. Clearly it’s been a while since anyone’s handled the remote. She blinks past tears, shame settling at the pit of her stomach for even daring to cry them when others have gone through so much worse, and you’re lucky, what do you even have to feel lost about, and suddenly she begins to feels shameful just for feeling shame, and what cyclical, bittersweet irony is that, and what’s wrong with her, why can’t she stop obsessing over distant possibilities that likely have zero chances of coming to pass, why can’t she—

Steven breaks through her downward spiral with a gentle hand on her shoulder, rubbing away the physical evidence of her stress. She melts into his touch, forever smitten by this kind of casual intimacy they get to experience together here, alone. It’s innocent, still merely the wandering hands of two teenagers barely beginning to break the boundaries between close friendship and romance, but when words fail she’s discovered that touch can be a language of its own. And right here, right now, she knows he’s talking her down from the mountain of anxiety she’s marooned herself on. He’s leapt effortlessly into the stormy sky and cradled her in his arms, ready to float back to Earth’s surface together.

Outside, the rain continues to slap in rhythmic sheets against the deck. She shivers. Maybe it’s in reaction to the gloomy weather beyond the sliding glass door, maybe it’s despite it. She has no idea.

Steven scoots forward on his belly a bit, and rolls to his side so they can talk face to face without turning their heads. During this, his shirt rides up— ever so slightly— ambient light catching on the lower facets of his gem. The reassurance found in that beautiful, familiar smile of his is dizzying. “Well, at least no matter what happens with your family, you have more than one, huh?“ he says.

“Yeah,” she breathes shakily, eyes glistening with emotion at the metaphorical hand he’s extending with that statement.

Hopefully it’ll never have to come to that, though.

“I do think my parents will be fine with it, if I ever do tell them,” she continues, dabbing the dampness from her eyes. “Especially my mom. She works with queer patients all the time at the hospital, so she’s pretty used to stuff like that. I just... get anxious sometimes.”

“Yeah, I get that. It’s tough dealing with identity stuff.”

She hums, mind immediately harking to the years he spent doubting his own personhood. Seeking any kind of physical connection she can get, she nuzzles her cheek against his forearm, which he’s currently leaning on. They lay there like that in comfortable silence for a good while. Steven, laying on his side, one hand lazily trailing through her wavy hair, and her, curled up close to his heartbeat, hugging his free arm.

“Hey, while we’re on the topic, can I ask you something?” he asks eventually.

She nods. “Anything.”

“How’d you distinguish bi from pan, when you were figuring all this out? I know they’re pretty similar, and my dad tried to explain it a while ago when I asked, but I still don’t exactly get the nuances.”

Connie shifts to sit up, pursing her lips as she considers her words here. She’s done a lot of research into queer identity in her time, checking out books from the school library and looking up stuff online on incognito mode, but there’s probably still a ton of holes in her knowledge. “Hmm, okay... so I’m no sole authority on any of this of course, but to the best of my knowledge bi means you’re attracted to two or more genders, and pan means you’re attracted to people, but like... their gender isn’t really a factor in the way you experience that at all? I‘m pretty sure? There seems to be a lot of overlap. From what I’ve read people just sorta pick whatever feels the best to them.”

“Huh, that makes sense,” Steven says. “So picking labels is kinda like fusion, then! Whenever I fuse, we decide our own name, and it’s sorta... based on a feeling, y’know?”

“Yeah! And like, with Stevonnie... Even though Amethyst kinda inspired the name, they still had to figure out who they were as a person on their own.”

“Exactly! And then, even if two fusions are made of the same gem types, they could still have different names because they’re different people, and that’s what they choose. Anyways, that’s just what this reminded me of,” he says, glancing up at her with a bashful smile. “Honestly... I don’t actually know how I identify.”

The corner of her lips edge upwards. “That’s fine,” she reassures him with a pat, “it took me a while to sort through all this stuff.”

“I really wanna figure it out, have a word for it, but nothing’s clicked yet. For a while I thought I was pansexual like my dad, but that didn’t quite... feel right. Like—“ he too shifts to sit up, folding his feet under his legs as he continues to speak— “I love getting to kiss you, but no offense, I don’t... know if I'll ever want to have- to do anything more than that, y’know?”

She snickers at his inability to simply say the word sex. He’s seventeen now, he knows full well what that is, yet still his faux innocence on the matter remains. It’s one of his charms.

“None taken. Love and attraction is a bizarre, complicated world.”

“You can say that again.”

“Bogus.”

“Whack,” he agrees with a playful grin. Reaching for the remote, he presses play a few times to wake up their streaming site. The episode starts up right where it left off, and they continue to watch together, the air somehow feeling sweeter after her much needed release of emotion.

The satirical medical drama quickly fades into the background, though, as Steven’s hand curls around hers.

“Hey,” he says quietly, blushing. “Even if I don’t know everything about labels yet, I do know one thing for sure.”

She raises a curious brow. “What?”

“I know I love you.”

And before she can open her mouth to respond in kind, he’s kissing her cheek, swooping in like a bandit just like she did for the first time all those months ago, and her heart swells with affection for this boy. He leaves her with one kiss, then two. At the exact moment she turns her head to reciprocate— to sneak a gentle kiss to his cheek right back— he turns as well and she ends up meeting him at the lips. It’s but a quick peck, but she's almost floating. The two of them stifle a laugh as they gaze at each other, their noses almost brushing together.

“Hey, it stopped raining,” he comments then, grinning against her cheek.

She drapes her arms around his shoulders, and hugs him close. Her eyes trail to the glass sliding door. The clouds outside are still thick, but after releasing their load they’re visibly lighter now.

“Yeah,” she breathes, feeling her muscles finally relax as she sinks into her best friend’s embrace. “Yeah, I guess it finally has.”