#like if i dont take my emergency meds every day all i can think about is ******* myself

[rnaeborowski]

i've been running on hot chocolate and anxiety meds for the last few days :')

[payasita]

Good job getting ADHD medication! I’m so proud of you :D

thanks so so much im very happy and so hopeful for the first time maybe ever but also it TOOK ME LIKE. A YEAR. A YEAR.

like yall for real?? for real. for real i have been diagnosed since i was like six. (funny story my teacher thought i was on the spectrum so my parents get me tested with the nodes and shit and according to mom, who loves this story, my neurologist did all that and talked to me and then just turned to my mom and went "she's not autistic. she just hates the other kids" but they DID find an adhd diagnosis in there so net win for all of us)

diagnosed since i was SIX. on stimulants until i turned 8, and you know why i got off em? my pediatrician retired. we could not find another who would take our low-income insurance. so i just had to rawdog The Rest Of My Fucking Life. diagnosed when i was six. legally neurodivergent for 20 slutty slutty angry years.

and it still took me like. a few months to get a psych appointment. a few weeks to reaffirm my diagnosis as an adult. a few more weeks for another appointment for meds. he doesnt Want to do meds first, because i must have been doing fine without them if its been two decades, right? i got a job and a car and everything. well gee fuckin shittickers Dr. Brain Guy, just WHAT was my alternative? would you prefer i be maladapted to the point of incapacitation; is that what it takes for someone to be considered? i cheated my way through school. every day after work i sit for an hour in my car because i dont have the executive function to stand up and walk the ten steps to my house. garbage just appears around me. i have three empty bags of hot chip and two cans of sprite on my desk as we speak, neither from today. at that point i hadnt had a debit card for six months because that would have required me to Drive To The Bank, a location that was new to me in this area, so i just did everything on credit. is this all normal? is this fine? am i GOOD, actually, Dr. WeirdBrain?

so we cordially agree that yes i should probably be medicated. i want to do a stimulant. he does not want to put me on a stimulant. "stimulants can mess with your heart," he says, "and you're young, you don't want heart problems." i say ok because i dont want to make him think im just looking for narcotics. even though i am. because they WORK. i agree to try some kind of antidepressant.

the antidepressant gives me tachycardia. i go to the emergency room after reading a heartbeat of, oh, 140 bpm, which is about like double what it normally is and juuuust below the You Are Having A Heart Attack threshold. i get to the ER and the doctor there is very obviously convinced i'm a local addict having some sort of episode. it is the most ironic experience i've had all year and i feel an abrupt and all consuming kinship with those birds in australia that will swoop you and peck at your face for seemingly no good reason.

so yeah, we narrow it down to the antidepressant. as it turns out, these particular meds are known to, semi-commonly, Mess With Your Heart. i have my next appointment with my psych and somehow refrain from pecking his eyes out. he puts me on a noreprinephrine inhibitor(iirc) that isnt actually FDA approved to treat ADHD specifically(i DEFINITELY rc) but it IS given to smokers to help them quit. i dont smoke. i may very well fucking start before this whole ordeal is at the point where someone listens to me

it obviously does a combined total of jack and shit, and the man waffles with this one because he has "had success" using it as treatment for other ADHD patients. he ups the dose. twice. three months on the smoker meds, which are also apparently notorious for destroying your appetite, but they didnt even do THAT. no change to the average amount of hot chip on my desk.

he wants to try quelbree after that. i finally tell him i'm tired of this shit and would like to have more than two hours of usable daylight to function before it all falls to uncontrollable youtube shorts binges and a daily experience i like to call The Weighted Nothings and i would very much like to PLEASE. TRY A STIMULANT.

he's been friendly enough with me over these past four or five or whatever months but at this he gets suddenly very very business-baseline. gives me the whole spiel about the north american shortage. gives me a spiel about how i absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, lose or sell this medication, because they will not refill it if i do. i am sitting here wondering if he he's telling the truth about having other ADHD patients at all like ever in his career, and also, am i nuts or should the "don't sell your prescription drugs" bit apply to EVERYTHING? i dont fuckin know man i just live here

he says he wants a urine test first. its scheduled for two weeks out. i take it.

"hey uh, your piss came back with cannabis in it" "well it'd be weirder if it didn't, we are in california and i am a kitchen manager" "you can't have weed if you want adderall" "fine i'll stop" "we'll schedule you another test in a month" "aight bet" it didnt go exactly like that but this is kind of what the vibe between us has devolved into by this point.

anyway i wait a month and get a good grade in piss. i get the meds prescribed. i go to fill out the prescription

all i really need to say to you are the words "prior authorization error" for most of you to get what happened next.

the psych isnt even aware. i wait another month for our next meeting, which was yesterday. i do not yell at him. he tells me to take it up with the pharmacy, and yell at them. i am going to yell at them.

so i go, and guess what, it actually went through a while ago! NO ONE TOLD ME OR DR. FEEL-BAD OVER HERE. but we can't fill it right now because its a controlled substance so come back in a few hours. hey it's ready where the hell are you? TAKE YOUR METH AND GET OUT

anyway i started it today, reorganized my pantry, and fixed the fire alarm in my hallway that's been chirping at me for a week. i no longer have to wear earplugs to bed.

and with my newfound executive function superpowers, i will be spraying my weed-free piss all over Reagan's grave.

[juni-ravenhall]

a story or small book or a poem about stuff i thought about

i didnt have any responsible adults in my entire life. i dont have any still now, when im a disabled adult living in poverty. i think a lot about how nice it would be to find some lonely old middle class people who take a liking to me and adopt me as their kid or grandkid since theirs doesnt talk to them much. how much it would help me to have support from anyone.

i was the most bullied kid in my entire elementary school. i never thought of it that way until recently when i randomly said it out loud during a convo on some related topic. after elementary school i was still bullied and isolated and judged, but not always the no.1 victim. i have a lot of damage from how bullied and alone ive always been, including how isolated i am now. i had friends sometimes, but i lost them.

i live in poverty and cant afford a dishwasher or a good bed. my back hurts a lot on top of my other illnesses. i have to wash a lot of dishes and cook a lot of food alone. the bed is uncomfortable. it hurts my back. when my back hurts, it makes it harder to focus, or rest. it makes everything harder than it already is. i cant really think at all on the days when the pain is worst. i stretch. i try. but im also stuck without money inside a small apartment in a bad neighbourhood, and its hard to feel the motivation to do anything.

the wellfare system and the healthcare system doesn't care to help me get healthy. i'm supposed to simply "find a job", even though my resumé is empty with an unexplainable gap of a decade. i dropped out of uni maybe 3 or 5 times. i dont have a degree. i barely made it through highschool. i didnt know that it was mental illness and symptoms of the abuse. i didnt understand that until i was over 20. i still didnt understand that when i tried to do uni, over and over. i kept trying because i am a hopeful person. i tried to learn alone and create alone, too, because i had hope. but hope doesn't get you anywhere if you don't have any support. i know that now.

i think about that im smarter and more knowledgeable and more effective than most people ive ever met who earn 30k sek a month. like the people who yell at me from the wellfare office for asking questions. or the doctors who conclude that i require no treatment despite my obvious disability. or the people making videogames who dont understand anything about game design. i do understand it and i could teach them so much in one hour, if they talked to me. i could make someone a master artist if i taught them for a few weeks. i am fluent in english on top of my native language and understand linguistics and etymology really well. i can read and write in 4 different alphabets at least. one time i composed an original piece of music for my sibling's school project in the span of a few hours of a night, and they told me everyone in their group was amazed that i made something unique for them, from scratch, that quickly.

i don't think that i'm less capable or less skilled or less intelligent or less rational or less efficient, than middle class people. i don't have any proof that this would be the case. the thing i do have proof of is that i have a lot of struggles that come from being a childhood and adulthood abuse victim and bully victim with no support network, with no help, with no money to ask for help. maybe i wouldn't be this damaged today if i had had 15k sek a month for a few years.

i wouldnt even know how to spend 30k sek a month. well, that's not true. i would save it for the future, to stay safe, while also donating to people in my communities, like my tumblr dashboard. that person that often struggles with rent and meds. that person that does emergency commissions. that person with a sick cat. those people, i would give 1000kr each of my 30.000kr salary. if i gave 1000kr to three different poor people every month, i would still have 27.000kr. if my rent and bills were around 10000kr (in a nicer place than now), and i eat food and use hygiene products for around 3000kr, and i buy meds and clothes and bus tickets and small things for around 2000kr, i would still have 12.000kr left. thats pretty much just completely insane. if i saved 12k sek every month, i would have saved more than 100.000kr in one year from my salary, and still given away 1000kr every month to three poor people, and still been able to live happily with food, medicine, bus tickets and cinema visits, and warm clothes in my size.

i could save 12k sek a month, or i could use 2000kr more, to give 1000kr more to two more poor people. for a total of 5 different struggling humans who i could give 1000kr each month. and still save 10.000kr for my future safety. every month. more than 100.000kr savings a year.

the people who earn 30k sek a month in sweden are earning relatively small salaries. there are many who earn 35k, or even 40k, or even more than that. they don't usually give 1000kr a month to 5 different poor people. they also don't usually get therapy, which they can afford, although some do. if i had 10.000kr left just for savings every month, i would get horse therapy, every week. but i might not even have to use the 10k for that. i might be able to cover that partially with the 2000kr i calculated for other spendings. i would be really happy if i could get horse therapy every week.

if you are middle class, you don't live in the same world we do, i don't think. i don't really understand how it works anymore. if you could give 1000kr to 3 or 5 starving people every month, and still save 10.000kr every month, and still live freely and happily and healthily yourself every month. why would you not do that? i think that's why they say "poor people stay poor because we give money away". when we have it, we share it, because we understand how valuable even the smallest sums are. but it's still hard for me to understand how people earning 30k+ sek every month are the majority of this country and how the majority of people are not doing anything similar with their money as what i would do.

my skills, logic or knowledge don't earn me anything. because if you don't have a network, if you don't have support, if you don't have anything, you can't get anything, either.

my only way out is to keep having hope even though i've learnt that hope doesn't actually help me at all, beyond keeping me from killing myself, sometimes. mostly it's the fact that yasmin would be alone that keeps me from it though. because she also has no support, she also doesn't have anything. at least we are together, in the cold without proper winter clothes. at least we are together, when the drug addicts are banging on our window at 4am. at least we are together, wondering how to ever find any means of employment, in a system that's built against us. how to find support in a society where middle class people will tell you that you aren't trying hard enough, while they don't know even how much 100kr is.

112kr is bus tickets back and forth to downtown for two people. that means we can go windowshopping together, or to the library, but we can't buy anything. 200kr means we can go downtown *and* buy a small trinket or a snack. 500kr, means we can go downtown and buy a piece of second hand clothing, or go to the cinema together, or eat a restaurant meal together, one of those things.

1000kr to a poor person every month can help them buy their meds. pay their rent. or to go to the cinema to cheer up, because sitting in a cold small apartment in a bad neighbourhood can make you feel really bad. it doesn't make it easier to work, or easier to study, or easier to get healthier and move up in society. it's really hard to make a "class journey upwards". middle class people seem to not realise that they've been fed propaganda about poor people. i can understand that the upper classes don't know and don't care, because they are horrible unempathetic people all throughout. if you have that much money and don't help the ones less fortunate, or fight the system for us and with us, there is no redemption.

but middle class people, for some reason, it feels as if you should know. as if you should understand how much 100kr is, or how much 1000kr is, or how much 10.000kr is. because you are only one car accident or one severe health problem away from starting to trickle down in class. well, that wouldn't be enough if you have a support network, or if you have a lot of savings, or if you have a loaded family. but over time, with long-term disability, you might lose your middle class. or maybe your sibling does, or your best friend.

it feels as if it shouldn't be that far away from you, that you can't imagine, that you can't understand that some of us right here around you, in your communities, would have our lives changed by having even half of your money every month. the fact that you don't even have to donate a few 100s "instead of" saving it, or "instead of" spending it on games, or on netflix, or on restaurants. you can spend 1000kr on 5 different poor people each month and still have 10.000kr left over just for savings, or for as many gacha tickets as you want, or for trips to spain, if you prefer.

middle class and upper class people's ability to be patrons to those stuck in lower classes without losing any of their own priviledges is just very interesting. i've seen middle class people tell lower class people that their commissions are too expensive. but if you earn 30k sek a month, paying 1000kr for one single commission is actually more or less nothing to you, on average. the same goes for buying products not made in sweatshops. if you have 10.000sek left to save every month, i think you can afford to not support fast fashion, or fast food. poor people are being exploited, ruined and killed to create those products. not for any fault of their own, but because they were born unfortunate. and poor people on your dashboard are unable to pick up their medicines or pay their rents or buy food and warm clothes, not for any fault of their own, but because they were born unfortunate.

we were born without support networks, without responsible and healthy adults around us. we were bullied and isolated in school. we didn't have the opportunity to make "class journeys upward", because we didn't get healthcare or wellfare or other support to help us get through school, or to help pay for it. we didn't have any energy or ability to "network" and lick boots and kiss ass to get special treatment from richer people, even if we wanted to. the bullying and the abuse gave us PTSD, social phobias. reclusiveness. somehow they really don't understand how hard it is to create a network out of nothing, if you have damage from abuse and bullying. how it's not actually your fault that you don't have support. how it's not your fault you didn't just "get better", when the systems are built against you.

i've been a "free psychologist" to many people online for many years. people tell me "nobody understood me that well before", or "wow, that really changed my life". but i'm actually very tired of being a good therapist for no rewards other than seeing people feel better. no payment. and every time i play a videogame, i imagine i could have a sit-down with the developers and outline to them every single thing they could do to improve the game and sell more copies and have happier players. it comes very easy to me. but there is no way to just become a paid psychologist or a videogame fixer out of an empty resumé. i am not able to try to get a uni degree again, because then i would have no money at all for food and rent. so i am here with my empty resumé, without any support, without warm winter clothes in my size. without 1000kr to give to 3 or 5 poor people every month, and 10.000 for savings, for a safe future.

i really don't know what to do anymore, and i don't know how i will ever be able to take a middle class person seriously ever again, either. not if they earn more than 25k sek a month. below that, maybe they still know what 100kr is worth. i'm not sure. but the majority of sweden's working population earns a lot more than that, and has a university degree, because they weren't fucked up so bad that they couldn't finish school. nowadays, i side-eye everyone i see outside, and wonder if they know how much 100kr is worth. i don't think the drug dealers and users in this neighbourhood know how much 100kr is worth. i wish i could have gone into drug dealing, or into drug using. even just drinking. that's what everyone else does in this social class, for a reason. i just had hope that things could be different some day. that if i was responsible and kept trying, things could get better. it doesn't. i don't know if it matters if i spent my wellfare allowance on food or on drugs, or videogames. i don't know if my life will ever get any better regardless. but i spend it on food and medicine and hygiene products, because i have always been responsible, even though it has gotten me nowhere.

another job i could do would be to give middle class and rich people advice on how to spend their money. i would help them both save and invest properly with my knowledge and logic, as well as spending on a healthy mature life for themselves, and investing in their own happiness as well as their family and community's happiness. i could do all of that. it comes easy to me. i think i could be a counsellor. i could be a game designer. i could teach people how to be great artists. i could teach people how to improve themselves. or i could make music and some people would enjoy it enough to pay me for it. there are really many jobs that would come easy to me. everywhere around me that i look, i see people who don't understand as much about the world as i do. who don't know how to improve or how to move forward, when i can see it easily. i don't think that i'm lesser than people who earn 30.000kr a month. i heard that they take coffee breaks and smoking breaks. i heard that they go get sushi for lunch. i heard that you actually even get extra money for healthcare and other things through benefits of your work. i don't know why they don't know how much 100kr is worth.

the doctors told me that there is nothing they can do to help me, but if i pretend that i have autism, i might be able to get more help. because there are systems in place in sweden for people who have autism, and there might be ways for me to get more support and more different kinds of help that way. but i am a responsible person, and i felt that it would be wrong to pretend to have autism if i don't. the help that they said might be possible is also just a "might" or a "maybe". i think i would pretend to have autism if they told me that i would get 30.000kr a month by getting a job through a special programme for autistic people. but i don't know if anything like that would ever happen, so i don't feel comfortable taking a gamble on it. i also feel really angry that the system is like this, and that well-meaning psychologists at the city hospital feel pressured to tell me that the only way they can help me is if i say i have autism.

the only idea i really have for how to not die is to eventually be able to finish making a serious videogame, all alone or with the help of yasmin, or my sibling, or someone i havent met yet. there are people like me, who are creative and analytical, who made very successful videogames alone or almost alone. and i think im a very good game designer, because it comes easy to me. i always know how to fix other people's games, even though nobody asks me to. i know what's wrong: it's usually the same few things. they lack clear direction, in gameplay, art, story, or in everything. they lack a clear sense of their target audience and their desires. they lack understanding of the fundamentals of good game design and what makes games fun and enjoyable and satisfying to play. they lack focus on making the core of the game strong and solid and focus too much on unnecessary things outside of the core gameplay and other pillars of the game. they lack skills in design, or skills in art, or skills in writing. which again comes back to lacking focus, because almost everything is about focus. it's about understanding what the most core things are, what is the most important, both to you and to your audience. it's about pushing design into interesting unique places, or about pushing boundaries for realism, or about limiting your scope to your resources and goals.

when i said i could make someone a master artist by teaching them for a few weeks, it's more or less the same thing. i would teach them that they need to find a core and find focus. they need to push the limits of their art and their ideas, and maybe the limits of the world and society. to focus on shapes and colours and feelings and pushing extremes, while also learning fundamentals of anatomies and perspectives and layouts just to back up the important parts. or if they just want to make ugly vectors for a boring company for 30.000sek each month, i would teach them to focus only on improving those skills necessary for that and to have a full understanding of what their niche means and what the market is like for them. i would also teach them that they can still push their personal limits and make interesting work even if they have a job making ugly art for a boring company, if they wanted to. i would teach them how to market and advertise their art. most of everything is just about focus and about cores and about disregarding useless things. those kinds of things come easy to me. i think it doesn't come easy to most people i see that earn 30.000kr a month. i could even be their therapist to help them stop feeling inferior about their art or stop having impostor syndrome. i understand how the world works and i'm able to teach others about it, if they want to listen.

the biggest evil in the world is expansion, the concept of expansion. our planet and our societies are going to be destroyed because of expansion, and we are hurting today, especially those of us in lower classes, because of expansion. the opposite of expansion is to make smaller and make less. the balanced version is to sustain. if the rich people stopped expanding, the planet and its poor people would do so much better. if we started sustaining instead of expanding, we would be good on our way, and if we started lessening, we could reverse most problems we have.

expanding comes in many forms, everywhere, all the time. when you want to have more money even though you already have enough to live a healthy, safe and happy life, that's expansion. when a company wants to make more money this month than last month, even though its owners have enough money to live a happy life, that's expansion (unless their only purpose in making more money is to help society in some way). when a government wants more land, that's expansion. i could really go on, but almost every evil in the world is expansion at its core. it's about someone wanting to get richer, someone wanting more priviledges, and that someone is someone who doesn't need it, someone who already has it. a company who already has it. a billionaire who already has it. a government who already has it.

i understand a lot about fixing the world. i understand that solving homelessness is possible and would logically be a good investment for societies. i understand that keeping people poor and exploiting them is a way for powerful people to stay powerful. i understand that nobody who has power or money actually wants to help fix the world, because it wouldn't benefit them personally. i understand that those of us who do want to fix the world never get the resources to do so, and won't receive funding from the people who don't want it fixed. i also understand that if i became a politician, i would get death threats. my life would be even harder than it is now. i don't have the option to gamble with my safety like that, when i can't even afford warm winter clothes in my size. it's also not the very easiest job for me. the very easiest would be game designer. the second easiest would be counsellor. politician comes a bit later. i think it would be nice to perform a job that's easy for me and earn 30.000kr every month.

i have a hard time focusing on creating things these days, or focusing on learning things that would help me, like programming. i know a bit of programming, and i know the logic of it very well. i could map out the way the code should work on paper. but learning all the phrases and exact ways of putting it together takes a lot of effort from me, and with my disability it's difficult to do that. i used to draw a lot, and i studied animation very deeply for some years. i read everything about the history of animation that i came across, and about all the fundamentals, the ideas, the ways to make good animation. different mindsets, some that i agree with and some that i don't. i don't think that good animation has to be smooth, or anatomically correct, or correct in perspective. i think anything can be great if it's done with a lot of feeling and honesty and genuinity. you have to have focus. you have to know what your core is, and what the core of your animation is, what the core of each movement, each action, and each scene is. the core of each character. the core of the story, and the colour palettes. the feelings and the motifs. i don't agree that it matters if its two frames or thirty frames. the part that's going to blow people away is the feeling and the extremes. the wild bold colours, or the extremely minimal colours. the massive movements, or the nuanced tiny ones. the ones that tell a story, or the ones that give you a feeling and a sensation without a story. the ones that are anatomically correct and twenty-four frames per second are never going to matter to anyone if they don't feel like anything. that's what i think.

most things are about focus and cores and about not wasting resources on the wrong things. it's about not expanding in the wrong direction. things that come easy to me. if i had the energy, if my back didn't hurt so much, if i could buy sushi for lunch, i would make the best horse videogame in the entire history of the world. i would get more than 30.000kr per month for it, and i would give 1000kr each to 3 or 5 poor people every month to help them with their rent, or their meds, or their sick cat. i would be the responsible adult in my life who has got my back, who can support me, who can help me, and i would be that adult for others. i would pay to go to horse therapy every week, and i would still be able to save 100.000kr every year, and i would be safe, and i would be happy.

[chronicallyuniconic]

I've felt so strange since the seizure and can't seem to come back around.

It feels a bit like when you've had a nap that's been too long and now it feels like a different day? Or you've pulled an all nighter and 10am feels like 5pm? That jetlag feeling?

The air around me feels like a different year, a previous year, one I've experienced before.

Old memories and old smells have gotten less frequent, but I'm so anxious for them to reappear. They are so invasive into my head space.

I have been getting weird white/grey smoke/cloud type visions. Not floaters. This is like walking through cobwebs without the sensation or there is a piece of tape in my eyelashes.

I dont know how to tell if it's the start of another seizure or something else. I have an emergency optician appt to go to just in case.

It's always the way that "the tests are clear" and "everything looks normal" yet my body is telling otherwise. It's screaming actually.

My bloods are low folate which has always been the way for me, even though I am consistently taking supplements like B12 & Magnesium, every day?? Maybe I don't absorb it so good?

My tongue hurts from where I bit it during the seizure, a daily reminder that oh yes, it's happened again, you are weird.

I reached out to someone because of how anxious it's all made me feel and they said "why are you only now telling me?" like I haven't wanted to, or tried, or needed.

When all you can think about is symptoms and how they're making you feel, you get stuck. I am stuck there. Nobody understands it though. Only fellow spoonies.

We deserve more than eachothers digital hugs, relatable posts and the shared lack of treatment/research/funding/care/med professionals/ppl who care, we deserve moreeee

[abyssal-endling]

stupid kind of vent that i feel is relevant

i kind of hate being an older student in college but especially rn cause my main friend group has like, no concept of money or being oppressed for being gay. like they make jokes about "haha look out *pokes other friend* UH OH YOU'RE GAY" when I mention conversion therapy or gay panic laws. like . they have no concept of parents hating their kids for being gay so they don't understand why another group isnt out to their parents or that they can't just call their parents for help. a graduated friend makes 40k a year and they were like OMG thats a lot! and i had to explain that thats like, just above the poverty line in most states. that thats "making just enough to not get government help but one fuck up means you lose everything". that my brother making 84k is paycheck to paycheck with the ability to get maybe some extra snacks but he if he has an emergency he's probably absolutely fucked so every extra penny has to be squirreled away just in case. that i have to scramble every semester to pay the school cause i don't have anything to fall back on, or that i have no insurance for a while so i pay out of pocket for meds and i can't work but don't qualify for disability. its like ripping my fucking teeth out every day cause they want to do a group cosplay but want me to help make shit for free cause they don't understand that a specific task is like 2+ hours to complete, or are like "oh just buy this costume instead" and im like. I cannot fucking drop 50$ on this because I NEED TO BUY MY FUCKING MEDS. but they don't have those risks!!! they can go to disney for the holidays every year or go on vacation twice a year and buy a few 500$ items a few times a year.

or the constant "asthma's so stupid like just breathe" and knowing they're making fun of the fact that asthma is literally like "@ my lungs you had one job" but they don't HAVE asthma or breathing issues so i have to explain that im not fucking laughing when im watching my skin turn blue because i can't breathe and i have to desperately get as much albuterol in my lungs before i lose consciousness or i will literally die. i wanna fucking scream each week. "im tired because i chose not to eat and went to bed at 4am when i have an 8am cause i dont like when people tell me what to do so i'm going to be pissy with you" okay thats your own fucking fault then why are you getting mad at me for that. hits my head against the bricks literally fucking think. like shit im exhausted cause im a triple major and im DEI chair and im president of 3 clubs but i know that thats my fault so i set hours of "dont talk to me i need me time" and actually use my therapy hours for taking care of myself instead of fucking around and "gaslighting my therapist into thinking im okay and dropping everything on her in the last five minutes of my session"

they all think i should have shit handled financially and that i should be able to handle being vented to 24/7 because im older than them but the reality is NOT that. im not an elder queer im 26 and i want to die but most of all i want to NOT want to die. i want to enjoy my time at school!!!

tldr is that i try to surround myself with people who dont make me want to rip my eyes out but it doesnt work so im making more therapy appointments

[sunflowerinpearls]

Husbands' words are not matching actions and vice versa. Hes been "venting" to "me" in front of our oldest (turning 16 may 10) on our "current" marriage?....problem(s).

I tried my best to keep my mouth shut and one time he asked me to play a song so I for one am so plugged up i cant really hear much, sometimes even music is too loud (sensory processing disorder) and I guess i didnt even hear him say something and the child caught on to what was happening and said "you're ignoring dad again"

So i spoke to her instead of him since she said it, & I said "I didnt ignore him. I didnt hear him. I was hyper focused on the song he requested me to play."

And then he went on just one of many other rants in front of her, asking "you dont think I ever hyper focus on anything? When Im home on my days off, I feel like im your servant" All day anytime I asked for help, to him I was demanding it and not appreciating stuff he did and then he would not stop talking about every single thing he did today around the house and for our children and its like.... ok cool.

And people get paid to do what i do here at home, every single day all day long. Didn't say it would be easy, however I did ask for help. He tried to say he understands im frustrated bcuz im home all day and i guess i interrupted and was rude bcuz i said "Its not THAT, at all" (cuz its...not?) Lastly i stumbled upon his fave song & started playing it & asked him to plz get me my night meds bcuz I am so fucking cold to the touch, esp to others. And moving makes it hurt.:// He said "You can just not play the song now. Thanks." So uhh.. Like all I am learning here is 1) I need to stop asking him to help me w/ literally anything and like he has said in the past which I clearly shouldve listened to: "If you (*me doing this: "cough" "cough") WANT something RIGHT NOW!, I'll have to get up and get it myself or wait until I he is ready to do it." And 2) I've been right all along. I cant count on even my own Husband so like uhh.... okay. And Now to him, I'm just a burden. Let alone ya know, i guess having influenza and not doing shit around the house "today" (literally just today, and actually, i still did some stuff which is better than none lol) and hes acting like he deserves a fucking gold medal. For what? Being a husband a father and taking responsibility of everything whilst your wife is ill? K. Never asking you for shit now. Ill send lists to him at work if the house needs anything. He hasnt had sex from me in a month because for the past 2 months steady, I have been sick with an upper respiratory virus affecting my asthma and everything else and now this so uhh, my bad. Next time I'll just faint (again) & hit my head probably (again) and then maybe, theyll see that hes just gonna send me by myself and come pick me up when Im done being in there because he has to sleep for work tomorrow. Not to ya know, dare mention that if the bulging disc in my spine "RUPTURES", all signs & symptoms of paralysis will hit fast & clearly that would become a huge Emergency Situation... So I was "told to do it anyway" by him even after explaining the deck was covered in thick broken shattered ice chunks and with my slip on shoes that are the only shoes i can wear, I told him "I'm not doing that" and now it's my fault it was left outside until when he came home (3 1/2 hours before home). I feel as if my health is a major burden to him and maybe its time for me to get an inhome nurse... Some people just arent built to take care of anyone else. And maybe idk, maybe he is starting to see that I a really honestly, not in love with him at this point anymore. Maybe tomorrow or next month or next whatever, or maybe never will I be back in love with him.It seemed to me like the exact day that he was hired on as a manager at his workplace, things shifted. He dropped a huge bomb on me. I had to then last night, inform my family that I'm doing gene testing to see if i am a carrier of a breast cancer gene for reasons. They're also testing for thyroid & ovarian seeing as those run heavily. My chances before gene testing was uncomfortable to talk to our 3 kids about but they were as accepting as they can be, as their Mother my main priority should be my health so that Incan get better so that I can continue to do what I freaking LOVE DOING SO MUCH!!!!!! Like I truly do so why continually, continually say outloud in front of the 3 kids that "well I've done all of this and all of this because you asked for help" and it all started over me asking him if he can take lily her cup of water since shes coughing so badly. My flu/asthma/sinus shit is awful and my heart problem make it hard for me to walk sometimes let alone climb stairs.... He's acting like he deserves a gold medal when im always keeping the house up and im not doing that. What im doing is showing him what all i have to do during the day, some updates on what i dod and whatever else i wanna send.

I told him that its unfair to us completely that he doesnt turn off "Manager" when he walks through the door. He had a conversation to me and said hes not gonna be able to shut that off when he comes home and he has to take on so much responsibilities and he feels like he needs to be inside the house alone without myself or the kids or the pets for like half a year to get his straight. Bruh. Like no. Just do better. Idk how many people told me that Id never do this and id never do that and here i am proving them wrong every single day.

But every time he speaks to me like this, I am taken back to a time where I was told "your mother never should've made you." At i think 4-5 years old? I am disabled for many reasons. And I can tell everyone all the time until I'm fucking blue in my own face that, when I say that I cant do something and I ask for help, the help is met with a "your legs work" or "you're capable. You just dont wanna wait" No duh. Thats why i said "now please". Would you rather I give you another reason to hit me 3x flat-cupped handed times on my face again and say that "If I wanted it right now and could have gotten it right now for myself"

Im tired of asking for help and being treated like nothing other than a burden and his biggest fucking problem. How was I supposed to know that I was going to this sick on your 2 days off and that every time I asked for anything, you were upset.

I guess i was right and I'm just a different person now because of trauma processing and healing. But being sick enough to make 4 separate appointments during the 2 month span and if this gets worse, this one too. So I feel like he wants me to say something to him or do something for him, but all Im getting from this is "do not ask me for anything". Isnt your spouse supposed to be the one taking care of you when youre sick? Hes already lost me emotionally. And right before our ten year wedding annivarsary. Cool.

Advice?

[kurgy]

it actually really kills me that I don't make enough on a paycheck to actually survive the month anymore like rent and bills take ALL OF IT and then I just fucking. don't have money to buy basic groceries or my (very important) meds. medical bills? I'm just fucked. emergency? I lost my dog to cancer months ago and the 1200 bill has still completely destroyed my finances. the general response from ppl who don't got shit to worry about is "just get a job" as if I do not put in multiple applications anywhere I can every day and am still seriously limited because of disability. I dont think any business anywhere is actually hiring I'm certain it's a bit. like man im just tired of skipping meals and foregoing life saving medication but I don't have a choice not to

[dingusships]

(very) long vent post, heavy discussion of animal death, death in general, grief //

so i haven't talked about it bc i haven't been active on tumblr much & i dont feel comfortable posting it anywhere else so i'll give a short rundown. my dog, lucy, turns 15 on the 25th - that's obviously a very long time and i'm so grateful to have had her this long. a few months ago she started having issues with coughing, and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure.

we've been giving her meds to keep it managed but we've had to steadily increase it after 2 or 3 scares. 2 nights ago, she started having problems again, and it was so worrying that my parents used the after-hours emergency call in meetup at her vet at 1 in the morning. she spent all the next day there getting stabilized, and she spent last night there as well so they could monitor her after they stabilized her. we visited her yesterday during the day and she was in good spirits luckily but you can tell she's tired overall.

she's home now, feeling better, but the vet explained and showed how far along her condition has progressed. He said she's stable now but if/when this happens again, we'll be doing her a favor by having her put to sleep at that point. He's given her a bunch more meds to make her comfortable while we spend time with her for however long that may be.

so that's the rundown.

I'm absolutely gutted and devastated, and I don't know how to handle it or cope or make it easier to face. I'm scared, I'm scared of her suffering, and this is utterly pathetic and cowardly to admit but I'm scared of being near her. It's like if I face her the situation will be all the more raw and real. I want to spend every second with her, I need to and want to so bad but it's like at the same time I'm trying to distance myself from the reality of the situation and keep from hurting worse. I'm the one primarily doing her meds, feeding her, taking her out to use the bathroom, making sure she's comfortable etc so it's not like I'm *actually* giving into those fears. I'd like to think she notices I'm doing good for her esp since classes aren't keeping me busy anymore and I have time to now.

Seeing her condition degrade is horrible and weighing on me, it's so heartbreaking and scary to see her try to be her old self but not have the energy to. I'm constantly terrified of something sudden happening that causes her pain and distress. That we'll have waited too long to give her a humane ending and we couldn't have gotten to the vet in time.

Logically I know that whenever the time comes and we take her in, she won't be suffering at all anymore. The worst will be over and there won't be any more dread and agony of knowing what's to come. But despite knowing those objective facts, and being told + telling yourself that to try to comfort yourself, it just... you can't logic your way out of the emotions that come from losing someone you love, animal or human. It's tearing me apart to see her suffer and it's tearing me apart to know she'll be gone.

I'm scared of the possibility that the last view I have of her is her in the vet's office whenever the time comes. I know people always say to go in and stay in-person when you have to do this, even if you know it crushes you, but I really don't think I'm strong enough to handle it.

I couldn't do it with my cat, but I did give my parents a shirt of mine to take in for him to smell. That helped a lot in giving me peace. The part of me trying to protect myself is saying to do that again with my dog. The other part of me that puts her first knows that I owe it to her to be in there when it happens after 15 years together. But I just don't know if I could handle witnessing her pass away. I know it would be very traumatic for me

It's the same thing when it comes to people's funerals I've gone to. I look like a tool when I do this but I cannot bring myself to partake in the viewing. I want my last memory of whoever it was to be as how I knew them alive. Even for, well especially for my grandparents when theirs happened. When I think about people I've lost, even if we didn't have a super close relationship I want the last time I remember their faces to be when they were alive and doing whatever it is they normally do. Not what they look like lifeless. I just know that would be so traumatic for me and I'd never be able to get the image out of my head. If they're alive in my memories then it's...easier to cope. Like they never really "died"... but just...left

I say "cope" but i don't know if trying my hardest to forcing down every negative feeling that acknowledges the reality of the situation, and end up also trying to distance myself from any prior positive memories in (feeble) attempts to not feel any sense of loss whatsoever is necessarily "coping".

[deeeelightfuldee]

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets? baking definitely. I want to get more comfortable cooking.

Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? yes. I used to be pretty good at doing my brothers hair-- even the fading. But I’m sure I’ve forgotten it all by now.

Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? probably my sister or my nephews.

How many long term relationships have you been in? blegh. not many. Whenever I’d know that it didnt have long term potential, id drop it. no sense dragging out the inevitable.

Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? so for the longest time I kept my room super dark. I slept well. once miller died and kile broke my heart, I couldn’t sleep without the tv playing. I needed to hear something calming and voices talking so I wouldn’t be left with my thoughts. I still can’t turn it off.

Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? i think its easy to say “forgive and forget” but the reality is that once we have endured trauma we don’t easily forget. I think its kind of unrealistic. I’m trying to forgive kile but thats going to take.. i dont know how long. As for what it was... it was just betrayal.. lying. for six+ years. lots of laughing at me. 

Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? I like some of her songs.

Do you know your blood type? o+

Do you know your mother’s birthday? Yes. its coming up. 

Have you ever been pregnant? I dont think so. I was really late after my assault but who knows.

How old were you when you first went on a plane? like 7ish

Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? Yeah, student loans. 15k feels so daunting right now.

Are both of your blood parents still in your life? One is. My mom.

When was the last time you went apple picking? highschool maybe?

Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? money.. or a trip.

Have you ever been drunk at school or work? definitely not. 

How many bedrooms are in your house? four. 

Are you smart about computers? I know some stuff.

Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii? oh heck’n yeah

Do you own a Xbox 360? I had one from my brother for a little while but I traded it for the gamecube since Kile was going to send me one of the 15 he had lol. That didn’t end up happening, but its OK i really dont need more gaming.

Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars? oooooooo.. probably not.

So, do you need a nap? all day is full of naps to try and get over this.

What would you rather be doing? school

What sport are you the best at? maybe volleyball or swimming

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Nope, im the baby. 

Do you complain a lot? no, i try not to. I find complaining to be the most unattractive and yet common human trait and while there are definitely situations worthy of complaining, most of the time it just makes a situation worse than it actually was.

Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple? temple

Do you like fruity or minty gum? definitely minty

Are you looking forward to any day of this month? i was really looking forward to Kile’s birthday on monday, but since we arent talking anymore then there is no joy in that. all the other special dates have been ruined by covid.

Have you ever gotten detention? Nope. homeschoolers and detention arent a thing. 

Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life? oh sure. heartbreak, deaths, assaults, etc.

Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? no, i can’t be super picky because not every store carries clothing long enough for me.

Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently? i havent got a clue

Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I mean I’m very fond of cats & dogs

Ever cried so much you threw up? this is what happened the whole 2-3 weeks following finding out about Kile.

Who is your best guy friend? I suppose now that would be Nathan

What do you two do when you hang out? drives, game nights, get food/drinks, or just talk.

What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? Her

Do you even like horror movies? not particularly. I’ll watch them if someone else wants to but its not my preference.

Do you live in the country? i live in the suburbs i suppose.

What is your favorite accent? Some southern and British accents. <same ... i have no idea how I made the font like this.

Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? Not that I can think of.

Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? diet coke

What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday? my family celebrated during the day and then I think nathan took me out on the town

Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? nope.

Do you take a lot of pictures? man. this question is hard. I used to love taking pictures of myself. I had much more self confidence and some of it was because kile LOVED my selfies -- or so he said. and I just had so much fun doing that. Since the heartbreak, I’ve maybe taken 10 selfies. I just don’t have any self confidence in my looks anymore. its so different now. most of my pictures now are of other people or scenery.

What kind of face wash do you use? cerave when I want to. otherwise i use water and a very particular type of fabric. 

Does drama always seem to follow you? No, i dont think so.

Does anybody in your family race? like cars? running? no.

Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom.

How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?” I think i got it like 2x and it was a dollar.

Do you have a laptop or desktop? Laptop.

Do you like your parents? i love my mom.

Do you secretly like someone? No.

Would you ever date your best male friend? I don’t see any romantic feelings developing between nathan and I

What are you currently listening to? I have gilmore girls on.

Do you want to be single? oooof. Um. I am torn on this subject. On the one hand, i really am ready to be loved, held, protected, cared for, etc. I love the idea of building a life together with someone and us both protecting our unit. I miss supporting, cherishing, loving on someone. Yet on the other hand, im fine being single. I have so much insecurity about myself lately that I dk that anyone else needs to deal with that baggage. Idk

Did you go out or stay in last night? I stayed in. ill be staying in for some time.

Have you pretended to like someone? romantically, no. professionally, yes.

How is your heart lately? Sad. heavy. 

Are you wearing socks? not at the moment. 

What do people call you? Di, diana, dee, ana, di-nan-na, dine-uh, deenah.

Do you get stressed out easily? no, I really dont

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? yes

What is wrong with you right now? im sick. im heartbroken.

Do you own something from Hot Topic? not that I know of. if I do, it’d be from like middle school. I never shopped there but people tended to give gifts from there.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? Alone. maybe I havent found the right sort of person to share a bed with.

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? No.

Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Yes, several times. 

Did you get any compliments today? No.

Have you ever gone to a beach? many many many times.

What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? not my thing. at all.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Yes.

Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to? Yes.

Do you have long nails? they are healthy length. I want to grow them out a bit more. 

Do you like the gender you are? Yeah.

Do you generally look nice in photos? Not anymore

Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet? no haha

What colour are your father’s eyes? Blue.

If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? uhhhhm, blue october

Would you ever get into a long distance relationship? maybe not anymore. 

What’s your favorite hot beverage? hot chocolate from dunkin

Did you ever play an instrument? If so what? i did. no comment.

Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? oooooohhhhhhhhh man i love both.

Do you think you’re important? I mean i offer some importance to this world but eh.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Hmm no idea.

Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? no

Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new? No.

Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? Nope.

What was the first thing you ate today? I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday

If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like? for the longest time it was to spend the day driving aimlessly and getting food and talking about everything and nothing with Kile. now, its just.. idunno. blank.

If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out? I’m not doing well.

What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do? There’s a few things related to school.

Is there anything that you wish you could take back? not really, no.

What, in your mind, could make you truly happy? this whole covid nonsense going away, heartbreak to soothe, and my miller back.

If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference? i dont know. 

When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I just changed it up so itll be a bit.

Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow? Fast.

Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’ yes. several times.

How many drugs are in your system? lol lots of meds rn to kick this. usually none.

What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? the same as today.

Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No. i dont like the idea of bite marks but hickeys were fun for a time. in not visible areas tho.

Do you call anyone baby? Not anymore.

What’s your current mood? Bleh.

What were you doing before filling out this survey? Watching gilmore girls

How late did you stay up last night? I took PM meds at i wanna say 8? maybe 7? I don’t remember.

When was the last time you cried really hard? its been a few weeks since ive cried about Kile. I’m in the numb stage.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders? hahahahahahah

[jenna-jayde-the-renagade]

So my life has gone to shit.. I dont trust anybody anymore, and honest to god I cant help but keep thinking of ways to end it. My mom keeps telling me how to feel about this whole thing, that I should be grateful that i got in finally to see a specialist. Reality is I dont even trust those subhuman animals anymore, and frankly they're gonna have to earn my trust. After 4 fucking years, my life, my future being ruined. My mental health going downhill, all for the second time now. Add on to that, I dont get any meds for the pain so this has pushed me into addiction now for a second time. I've been dehumanized and humiliated, treated with nothing but the utmost disrespect while being stigmatized for being mentally ill, transgender and a recovering addict for most of it. They ignored me for 4 years, my body is damaged, and frankly help just might have came too little too late. I wont just suffer through the next one, the next time this happens I'm gonna end my life, my suffering on my own god damn terms. Atleast I still have control over that..

Fuck the canadian healthcare system. Some days I honestly just want to start selling drugs, and fly to a country where I can just pay to play and get the best care in the god damn world. Cause 4 years now I've been telling them to refer me to a specialist, I've been telling them that it's probably crohns or some other GI issue. They need to do a colonoscopy and a scope to find it, so that's what I would ask for. I would never get it, so i more or less gave up on the healthcare system. They would leave me on the floor thrashing in pain for hours. Treating me like a drug addict in withdrawal when I didnt even have any opioids in my system. I would be lucky if I got an IV for fluids, and even more lucky if they pumped me full of a bunch of over the counter drugs and others that didnt work like gravol, tauridol, buscopan, zofran, and haliperidol. I would tell them each time, that this was the hundredth time they tried gravol, and it doesnt help people when they're screaming in pain. They treat the nausea. Its bullshit because I am in so much pain that its making me nauseous and until they get rid of the pain, the vomiting is just gonna continue. They always treat me like I'm full of shit, and when I turn out to be right and continue puking, thrashing and screaming in pain, they just get angry at the fact they were wrong. Our doctors and nurses are a bunch of sociopathic, apathetic adult children who in my experience take pleasure in watching you suffer. The worse I get the more they smile. They are so stupid, blind almost because if their stupid fucking machine says I'm ok then I guess it's all in my head. They only think that theres nothing wrong with me because theyve only ever done a blood test or an xray. Never ever once have they done a single test that would have found the issue, crohns cant be found just on a blood test. The emergency room doctors think it can be, my family doctor and everybody else I've talked to says otherwise.

On January 1st I was having another flare up, and they shoved me in the psych observation room because they genuinely didnt want to deal with me. They ignore me, and I keep going in because I want help. I dont want to end up relapsing again cause I cant take the god damn pain! But nope, I get treated like a crazy person now.. they did it against my will. And they even tried to take my phone and my keys. I was puking constantly, I needed water to keep hydrated and they left me for 4 hours, locked in, no meds, no help or nothing. So I just cracked.. I had nothing to barf in, to wipe my nose with, or to wipe the cold sweat off me. So I puked in every corner of that room, I puked beside the bed especially because a mop wouldnt fit in there. I pissed in the corner, I would hack up some phlegm and spit it all over the floors and walls, I blew snot rockets on every surface too! After a while some nurse came in and gave me a barf bag. I threw it on the floor and just continued to puke over every hard surface in the place. I was puking every 5 seconds I swear, and the doctor finally came in at 3 hours and 15 minutes. At 3.5 hrs they give me two pills. I straight up tell them there is no point in even taking them. I couldnt even keep water down and these people are stupid enough to make me take pills? Come on. You need to hold it in for atleast an hour to see even the most minimal affects. I was puking every 5 seconds, to the point that I puked before I took the pills, and I puked them out the moment after I swallowed. They had given me a fucking gravol tab, and some Ativan, the latter of which I couldnt even hold under my tongue long enough. I barfed it onto the floor when it was half dissolved. They come back with this clear liquid shit in a shot glass. I swallowed it right after I puked. The liquid burned my insides, and i puked that shit out even quicker. I asked them to give me IV medications for that exact reason, I always ask for IV medications cause its literally a waste of your time and mine to just pump me full of pills when I can't keep them down and they hurt my tummy as they dissolve. They tell me to just "breathe deeply and relax" and to "just try jayden, you gotta try", so then I try, and when they end up being wrong, and I can't take shit. They end up saying that I'm manipulating, that I'm drug seeking or I'm not trying hard enough to make it work. Absolute bullshit, over the course of 4 years I have quite literally told them what to do. I have multiple family members with this disease, and my grandmother was ignored like this too. She told me to ask them for a colonoscopy and a scope, and to ask them to treat the pain, not the nausea cause the pain literally causes the nausea. The sooner the pain is gone the sooner I can be normal and tell them what's going on. Instead I'm left to suffer in the worst pain a human being can feel. I get treated like shit and told it's all in my head. I gave up on getting a diagnosis in year two. I just want to shoot dope whenever the pain comes. Dope atleast takes it away, after all they would be giving me some of the strongest shit they have at the hospital if I was some boomer with a sprained ankle. It would take the pain away. Thats for sure. Being a mentally ill, drug using, autistic tranny they just see that. I get nothing. No help, no answers, not even some relief when my screaming can be heard far and wide.

I want to die right now, and I keep trying to think of a painless way to do it.. buying $400 worth of street fentanyl and slipping into a nice, peaceful opioid coma seems like a wonderful idea right now.. that would end the fucking suffering atleast..

I wont be wearing a colostomy bag. Colostomy bags arent sexy, they are fucking disgusting and you cant just be body positive when you have a fucking bag full of your own shit hanging off you, and your only way of having penetrative sex sewed up permanently and taken away from me. Not like I could even be a decent fuck for anybody at this point anyways. Its painful to shit, let alone anything else. I dont want to give up food either. I love food, food is literally my life and the only way I have to bond with certain people! Like my family for example. Nothing makes me just want to slip.into that coma more then the worry of the future.

Will I be sitting at a family gathering eating bland gluten free, dairy free, all organic 100% vegan fair trade horse shit on a plate while my family actually gets to enjoy the food I used to be able to eat? Moms spaghetti, grandmas meat pies, the baked goods, fresh tomatoes out of my garden and others. A good fucking steak even? Cause honestly a birthday isnt a birthday if I dont have my birthday meal.

I know for a fact my body is damaged from 4 years of suffering. I used to bounce back, now it takes the wind out of my sails for a month.

Needless to say, I just want to fucking die more then anything else. Positivity and anything I love is gone, and all that I have left is knowing that Alberta health services, coast mountain health services, providence health services, and interior health services have all fucked me in the biggest way humanely possible. So thankful for free fucking healthcare!!

You get what you bloody well pay for!!

[marshmallowprotection]

Since today was a bad day I’d like to apolize to bora in advanced....

Out of all the outcomes, it had to turn out like this? Its like whenever i finally start to feel happy, it always gets ripped away from me.But life isn’t fair, especially to runaways. I guess that’s why i opened the door to a strangers apartment. I remember the hunger pains I felt that day, I ember how cold it was sleeping outside. God that feels like ages ago, its hard to believe that I’ve only been with you all for only a few months. I Romberg meeting all of you for the first time, I was terrified but you all tried to make me feel the most comfortable I could be. I still Romberg that special knock seven used to let me know it was him and not some random stranger. I also remover that little lie he told me when I said I didn’t want anything to eat or drink,” I have a gift card that’s about to expire,” that never fails to bring a smile to my face. On the ride to the penthouse, seven told me to give jumin a chance, that he isn’t some cold, heartless Man. He just doesn’t know how to express his emotions.

Jaehee, god she was a life saver when i got my first period, I couldn’t thank her enough after she calmed me down and made me realize that I wasn’t dying. I was so embarrassed, but she assured me that it is natural and it is nothing to be ashamed about. She was the older sister I never had, taking me to get bras that actually fit, teaching me how to brew coffee, giving me girl adddvice, thank you so much for that. You are so amazing and I love helping you at your cafe.

Yoosung, I can’t believe how close we’ve gotten, you’re so fun and easy to chat with. You always help me take my mind off of my bad dreams by playing LOLOL together, well its more you playing the game and me pressing random buttons. And all the times you have helped me with homework questions, but i guess that’s a benefit of online school. You might get teased by everyone but you’re amazing, and kind, and I cherish our moments together.

Zen, you took on the role of an older brother the second you found out my age, and that I’m a runaway, but I guess it’s cause you’re one too. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that. You reminded me so much of my older brother, but you and him are different people with different amazing qualities. You made me feel so safe, and I always had so much fun whenever you took me to rehearsal. I still smile and laugh when the lighting caption took me to their booth during lunch, while you were still practicing and let me use the spotlight, and I kept moving it around and you had to follow. That was so much fun. You were the first person who gave me a real hug in years, and I accepted it, it felt so good to be hugged with so much genuine care and affection that I cried in your arms. I know that you don’t always get along with jumin, but seeing you both try to get along for my sake warms my heart.

Seven, you were the first one I met. That first night I was at the apartment I know it was you who sent laundry detergent, shampoo, conditioner, food, tooth paste, a toothbrush, and other supplies I needed but didn’t have. You just didn’t want to take the credit. You were the first person in a long time to give me those supplies without a hidden motive. I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me, you arranged for me to stay with jumin until you all found a suitable home for me to live in(although that didn’t happen lol) you work tirelessly and put other before yourself, even though you love teasing yoosung everyone knows that you love him, not only him but everyone in the rfa. All those jokes and memes you send in the group chat are always hilarious, and all those times you broke into the penthouse at night to “play with Elly “ when it just by coincidence that i had a nightmare. We would always end up laughing so hard it hurts. You helped me in so many ways that I cant even name them all, thank you for always helping me.

Jumin, it has been a few months since you took me in, and those few months have made me the happiest I have ever been, without you and the rfa I dont know what would have happened to me, You took me, a runaway teenager, who you didn’t know, who was so reserved and barley talked, and you helped her. You turned me into the person I am today, and the person I am today is happy. You stood by me during the whole Glam and Sarah situation, and you didn’t even know me too well but you still protected me. You are always there for me during my nightmares. You even took me to see multiple types of doctors to make sure I was getting healthy, and to find out what steps to take to get me there, from setting reminders on my phone to eat, to getting me a weighted blanket so I could finally sleep through the night. You took on the parental role for a down on her luck runaway, and gave her a chance. I can’t ever thank you enough for that. I love you dad.

Sometimes I wonder what was going on in everyone’s heads when I popped up, but I just need everyone to know that I love them, so so much. Not many people can say that they got a second shot at having a family, but i did, and I love my family. You all showed me something I hadn’t felt since my brother died, love, affection, and a sense of belonging. Please, none of you blame yourselves for what happened to me.

Love, Bora Han.”

Hot tears streamed down Jumin face as he read Bora’s letter, the smell of disinfectant permeated the hospital room. The letter in one hand as the other gripped his unconscious daughters hand. The only comfort he found was the beeping of the heart monitor, telling him that his daughter is still alive. After four hours of emergency surgery on her shoulder from the gunshot wound, and countless stitches on her left leg from where unknown threw her onto the broken glass covered floor. He needed to make a getaway, what’s a better distraction that shooting a child in their shoulder then throwing them practically across a room. She must have written the letters once we got news of the bomb in the apartment being controlled by unknown. It zen got her to a hospital just in time he is sitting on the chair across the room, asleep with dried blood on his shirt. He isn’t even supposed to be here, but all it took for the nurse to let it slide was some flirting, from his part. And I handed her more than enough money to convince her. All that matters is that my daughter is alive.

It was hours before I felt something squeeze my hand. My eyes meet a pair of purple eyes that look so insanely tired, they were already welling up in tears as zen rushes to grab a nurse and water.

“ hey duckling, I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere,”

“ i-“ she starts to cough, which makes her groan in pain, the meds must be wearing off. A nurse runs in to check up on bora as zen holds up a cur of water and brings it to boras lips. She must be so thirsty, and she looks so scared, she hates hospitals but right now her safety it top priority.

“ I’m so sorry dad” she says crying. Stroking her hair I try calming her as much as I can without her being in more pain.

“Duckling, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry about, you were so strong, and you still are so strong. I promise I wont leave you alone here.” I say calmly, making her calm down a bit.

“ me too kiddo, I’m not leaving you here too,” zen says as bora looks at his shirt.

Crying a bit bora turn to zen,”I’m really sorry about your shirt,” which makes everyone laugh a bit.

“ I can buy many shirts, but there is only one of you,” he says playfully tapping Bora on the nose.

Seeing bora struggle to keep her eyes open, we both turn off the lamps.

“Get some shut eye kid, we will be here the whole night, and when you wake up, we will still be here,” zen says stretching out on the couch, as I lie on the reclining chair. I’m kind of glad that the lights are off, its so hard to see bora in a cast, she just looks so small in that big hospital bed, but she is safe, and alive. We can get through this, I’ll be there every step of the way.

While I don’t think that Unknown would do that, nor would write something of that dark regard in this universe, I can tell that it was very cathartic for you to be able to write this out. So, if this helped you coped with your pain in any way, that is good. I appreciate that you shared your perspective on Bora’s thoughts and her feelings over her time spent with the RFA. 

She’s so very appreciative of all of them. They’re her family. She can’t imagine life without them. 

[wennjunhui]

seventeen hospital au

im back at it again with another random seventeen post bc nurse!jun is ruining me :)))))

disclaimer: the most i know about hospitals and how they work is from chicago med so dont expect this to be accurate 

seungcheol

attending physician in the ed

kinda intimidating but is really a huge softie

but don’t make him angry bc that is not a good idea at all

always seen with a protein shake

tends to hover over the new med students a lot

partially because it’s important to evaluate them and their knowledge

but most because he thinks its funny when they freak out around him

always asks for a psych consult even when he knows its not necessary

bc its totally in the best interest in the patient and not because hes bored and wants to talk with his bff nahhh

has a long term girlfriend that works as a software developer

everyone in the ed tryna get him to propose bc ITS BEEN 9 YEARS DAMMIT WIFE HER ALREADY

jeonghan

psychiatry fellow

usually works night shifts because hes sleeps schedule is fucked 

functions on coffee and coffee alone

is constantly Tired

catch him napping in the break rooms whenever he has time

originally wanted to go into psychology, but he gets too invested and thought it would be better to maintain short term relationships

bffs with seungcheol, but bffls with joshua

by the off chance he’s not tried, he’ll go around the ed and tease the doctors and nurses

hes in the ed a lot tho bc someone keeps calling him even tho “he literally just sprained his ankle seungcheol why am i here”

joshua

plastics fellow

fucking loaded

pulls up to the ed in a fucking gold ferrari and just shrugs when people ask about

‘yeah i got it as a birthday gift, treat yourself ya know?’

born and raised in the us, but went to south korea to further his studies

bffls with jeonghan

by GOD the chance theyre in the same room, its game over for everyone

his surgery playlist is fucking wild 

did a heartbreaking ballad just finish playing? oh thats sad but move over its britney bitch 

always brings a guitar to work parties

‘if you sing sunday morning one more fucking time-’ proceeds to sing sunday morning ‘GODDAMMIT JOSHUA’

is seeing the cute hotel concierge that works a few blocks away 

junhui

the Hot Nurse

literally all the patients fucking swoon 

kinda makes patients nervous bc of how handsome he is

ok i’ll stop now

occasionally scrubs in as a surgical nurse for minghao

he pretends to be all cool and hot shit in front of patients, but when hes around staff he turns into a giant bright ball of excitable fluff 

will always be asked to be assigned to kid patients bc he loves kids

studied abroad in korea and decided he loved it there so he stayed

may or may not have a crush on someone in the hospital but shh no one knows except jeonghan and minghao

has no problem calculating correct dosages but cant do basic math for the life of him

‘no junhui, 7+8 does not equal 17′

soonyoung

senior resident in the ed

HYPEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!111

works night shifts bc otherwise the ed would be dead without him

probably drinks too much redbull for his own health

his favorite treatment room is treatment room five because “that’s where a patient peed on me on my first day here”

“ok soonyoung good to kno”

“no problem”

not very tech savvy 

always manages to fuck up the tablets somehow every shift

for the love of GOD dont let him near an xray machine

also never assign him and seungkwan on the same patient they will accomplish nothing 

has taken chan under his wing

wonwoo

neurology resident

blind as fuck

harry potter glasses for days

looks really cold on the outside but is really just a huge fucking dork

like actually he laughs and jokes about anything and everything

neurology can be dark sometimes yo and humor is a great way to cope with it

that and gaming

half the reason why he cant see is bc he spent too much time playing video games growing up

still kinda does but he gets away with it

accompanies soonyoung on the night shift bc he knows soonyoung gets lonely sometimes

plays ballads in the surgery rooms because it helps him keep calm

jihoon

pathology resident

‘forget working with humans hAVE YOU SEEN THIS BLOOD CULTURE ITS COOL AS FUCK’

that being said, he hangs around the break rooms a lot because being cooped up in pathology is just tiring sometimes and he needs actual people to talk to

but mostly its so he can draw on jeonghans sleeping face

shares a flat with soonyoung bc rent is expensive yo

usually has the best tunes down in pathology 

originally wanted to go into music, but school kinda killed his enjoyment of it for a long time

is slowly getting back into and finding his joy in it again

he knows too many stories about the ed that hes forced to listen to

“for the last fucking time soonyoung i dont care about how your patient threw up on seungkwan”

“okokok but`”

“no”

seokmin

ed resident wanting to specialize in pediatrics

SUNSHINE AND HAPPINESS AND SMILES EVERYWHERE

wow literally everyone in the ed is in love with him a teeny tiny bit

because he has such a bright and positive aura around him that its hard not to feel happy 

sings to the smol children if they get scared 

everyone always asks him to sing at work parties and he kills it every time despite being initially shy

“wait wait wait you were in a rock band in high school???”

has a crush on the ed secretary out front

its so fucking cute the rest of the ed ships them so much

sometimes he doubts himself and his skills and that makes his day very sad

but everyone in the ed is in love with him and will constantly be there to remind seokmin about how amazing his is and how much he deserves to be here

and thatll make his day better c:

mingyu

ed resident

the Hot Doctor

wow everyone has a crush on him even if you dont you do

pray for the patients that get assigned to both mingyu and jun your in for a visual attack

tho the facade for mingyu usually breaks after a minute of meeting him

clumsy af yo

once knocked over the patients entire tray of food because his limbs were longer than he remembered

sometimes forgets to put on hand sanitizer and seungcheol always yells at him about

from the other side of the ed “MINGYU, HANDS”

“THANKS HYUNG”

always brings his own lunch bc hospital foods shit and he makes better food at home 

sometimes brings in cookies for the staff in the break room

theyre usually gone within an hour

minghao

trauma and emergency medicine fellow

TALENTED

was personally scouted by hospital officials in china

really young to be such an expert in his field

also his hands are really sensitive to abnormalities in the human body so he feels out the situation and catches the situation really early

is kinda intimidating because of his rbf and takes no shit approach

but is really super soft and fluffy once not in a work environment

relied on jun a lot in terms of adjustment here in korea, and he’s probably closest to him in the ed 

has jun scrub in with him for surgeries sometimes

objectively has the best surgery playlists

from pink floyd, to an obscure japanese indie rock

bickers with mingyu a lot of proper treatment of patients

usually theyre both right tho they just cant communicate effectively

is secretly seeing another chinese surgeon from plastics, but they hide it really well except from jun ofc

seungkwan

nurse

a really loud and mouthy one at that

nags everyone in the ed a lot despite not being the charge nurse

tho hes getting there and everyone knows it 

despite that, hes really sweet and caring towards patients 

is also really weak for kids, but he cant ever be assigned to them because he’ll freak out if something happens to them

always earns high marks on nurse feedback forms because he does his job AND is entertaining 

even tho he nags everyone else, sometimes hes too selfless and forgets to take care of himself

“did you forget your lunch? aiii how could you do that? here take mine”

“seungkwan you need to eat to”

“i said take it, now eat and make your mom proud”

cries and often laments how much he loves his staff when hes had a little too much to drink at work parties

hansol

a new nurse

really chill, vibin through life

is really a much appreciated presence to have around the ed, especially when things can become hectic really quickly

often acts as a translator between english and korean 

will laugh at pretty much anything (which wonwoo appreciates alot because at least someone likes his jokes)

one thing that always gets his blood boiling is the blatant ignorance some patients have

like the offhanded racism against him or his coworkers, or comments about lgbtq+ people 

and there have been times when he hasnt been able to control how he responds because wow he Dislikes ignorant people

so whenever he gets a patient like that, he often asks to switch with another nurse because “if i have to listen to karen say something racist about jun or minghao again im gonna lose my fucking mind”

med students usually hang around him bc of how approachable he is

shower thoughts

“do you ever wonder this would taste like”

“hansol dont-”

chan

med student in his final year

is really eager to learn and get started on things!

ed is his first choice for match day

soonyoung has taken him under his wing so he mainly just shadows him

and its always a fun and great time chan has learned so much from him 

the entire ed staff has adopted him and will riot if he doesnt get accepted on match day

“chan, whos baby are you?”

“for the last time hyung IM TWENTY SEVEN”

if hes not shadowing soonyoung, hes probably studying in the break rooms with hansol throwing popcorn at him

“hyung stop im tryna study”

“ok but catch this in your mouth first”

still has a lot to learn, but hes out there conquering the world of medicine yall better watch out

[coridallasmultipass]

Tmi / talk about menstruation and iud / venting / but i just wanna get this out, and maybe someone else is in the same boat as me because ive never been able to find any accounts of similar experiences ... I wanna preface this by saying im 26 and have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia/chronic pain, which is probably related but i dont know how. I normally have super heavy periods and debilitating cramps, along with discomfort during penetration (or similar activities) on some occasions. Ive tried a couple different birth control options over the years and each one has given me constant cramping. Its weird because the cramping on the pill (2 or 3 different kinds of BC pills in different times of my life) and depoprovera shot were the same in that i would get terrible cramps whenever i did any kind of activity but especially when i stand up from a sitting position. I remember being in college and standing up and having to immediately sit back down hunched over until it passed. I got the depo shot a few months ago and it was the worst thing ever. I had severe cramping with all kinds of movement (and havent been able to even touch myself without setting off the cramps) and after a month of it i started bleeding for a month straight until a doctor gave me estrogen pills on top of it to stop the bleeding. The pills stopped the bleeding but not the cramps, so the plan was for me to wait it out and try an iud next since the medicine would be administered locally instead of by pill or shot through my whole body.... three months during the depo shot i could not exercise or do any physical activity, which of course is making my fibromyalgia and mood worse. I feel like ive lost a whole year to the depo shot, on top of other health problems that have been acting up before the depo. It sucked and im not trying it again. I had about 2 weeks until the mirena iud insertion where i was taking the estrogen pills and still cramping (along with getting a full heavy and bad cramping period during the vitamin-pill week while i waited for the prescription to come in. The cramping was so bad i almost wanted to go to the emergency room, but it lessened by the next day even if i was still going through so many pads.) Before the iud insertion i took a pill the night before which the doctor said could help loosen up my organ to allow for easier insertion since ive never had a kid. I knew i could expect a lot of pain given how sensitive i know i am, but the few people ive heard get them said it was only really painful during and they were fine after, so i figure i could be strong and deal with it if its going to help stop my monthly cramping and bleeding. Turns out the insertion was the worst pain ive ever felt in my life. Normally having a speculum put in already puts me in considerable pain (a speculum feels like a shard of glass shoved in me) but it pales in comparison to getting the iud. I was crying out and struggling to stay still during the proceedure but once it was over i hoped it would start to feel better. It burned with pain and still does days later. I didnt realise i would get severe cramping immediately after the insertion, but i could barely stand up. The doctors had to let me stay in the room for like a half hour before i could limp back to the car. Im lucky i had my mom to drive me home because i could still barely breathe it hurt so badly. I took tylenol about a half hour before the proceedure but i dont think it did anything. I couldnt take advil because of other medicines im taking. So the only other thing i could do is lay there screaming in pain with the heating pad pressed on me. A few hours later my mom had to call an on-call doctor from the same hospital and he said to go to the er so we went. The rest of the night is kind of blurry i was in so much pain and could barely think. The er gave me a painkiller and later a muscle relaxant before telling me i have to stop my other meds so i can take advil. I was there for like 6 hours i think, feeling waves of terrible cramps that feel like a knife is slicing the inside of me - the same feeling as the iud insertion. I feel bad for everyone who had to hear me screaming every 10 minutes and my mom who had to stay with me. The doctors kicked me out immediately after giving me advil and i went home barely able to even walk or move. It took me another 2 hours to manage to fall asleep even though i was so exhausted and had the worst chest and body pain from being so tense at experiencing the worst pain of my life. Nornally, if unmedicated, ill get periods so bad im screaming in pain, but it will only last 1-2 hours until the advil or tylenol kicks in and dulls it down to a bearable ache, so this iud was supposed to be my fall back on options to eliminate cramps. (I really wish the doctor would just let me get a hysterectomy i dont ever want kids and this whole situation is giving me severe gender dysphoria) Yesterday i spent the whole day sleeping off my traumatic er experience and today im still getting really horrible waves of cramping and nausea. Thankfully im not bleeding (...yet?) But it still feels like having a tampon being yanked out of me that wont come out. The knife feeling isnt there so im not screaming, but the cramps are still so bad and i dont know if i need to take it out. The er doctor said to take it out if the advil doesnt help, and that this is most likely anxiety making the pain get out of control. The er nurse said this is normal. Like??? How the fuck to people deal with this im scared about taking it out because thats probably going to hurt even more. I forgot to ask my prescribing doctor if theres a risk for toxic shock or something but like i dont have a fever its just so painful feeling it there. The placement is "right" according to the ultrasounds but it hurts so much and is still giving me cramps I really dont know how anyone could deal with this the whole thing is so upsetting i want it out but i dont want to deal with the proceedure to get it out and that same severe cramping i dont think theyll allow it to be a surgical removal but i wont be able to sit there and deal with it again!!!! Just thinking about all of it is giving me more anxiety too, i have such dysphoria about my internal organs and such a terrible phobia about even having them!!! This amount of cramping should not fucking be "normal" i hate being invalidated at the er like that God i just dont know what to do the cramping is so bad and im still scared of getting an ulcer from the advil. Thats another thing. A year ago i got an ulcer from taking advil because of period cramps, so ive been suffering taking tylenol! Thats why i want a BC that works to get rid of cramps and bleeding!! Now here i am with the worst cramps and bloating of my life!! How am i expected to function like this!!! I dont remember half of the past few days because ive been in so much pain!!! I can only hope this gets better because it feels worse today than it did yesterday, even if its not as bad as the day before when i had the insertion done. The doctor said if im still having the same kind of cramps ive been getting with the other types of birth control after a month i can look into other options (hopefully hysterectomy!!) But thats so far away and i havent been able to practise driving or apply to any jobs because i cant fucking do more than sit or lie down because of the god damn cramps Ive lost like all my personality and enjoyment of life and lost any one i could call a friend because this is consuming me and i cant fucking do anything i hate it i just want something to go right for once i want to be able to exercise again i love exercising and i havent been able to go for a walk without getting winded and severe cramping I cant even find other people that get cramping on birth control when standing up or doing activities so i dont know why this is happening to me ive looked everywhere i can and all i get is dysphoria because """"mensutruation is a womens health problem"""" and my phobia of pregnancy makes it impossible to browse forums I dont know what my point to all this is i just really need to vent because i feel so alone with this specific problem Life sucks and then you die i guess lmao

[washupontheseashore-blog]

why Vanya Hargreaves’s medication is bs

Okay, to preface: obviously I know this is a fictional show, and isn’t meant to be realistic at all. to quote five, “I’m in a 13 year old’s body, Klaus can talk to the dead, and Luther thinks he’s fooling everyone with that overcoat. We’ve always been crazy.”

BUT—when people don’t experience something irl, they tend to get their understanding from the medica they consume.

So here’s me clearing up any misconceptions you may have about taking daily medications from watching The Umbrella Academy:

Part 1: Getting the Meds (let’s pretend Vanya has a regular doctor, okay?)

after Reginald died (hell, after she moved out) it would be hard to find a doctor who would prescribe the same meds, no questions asked. They’d want to know why she was taking them. After she came up with some excuse, then they’d/probably/ prescribe her some, but they might want to change the meds after a while (see Part 2).

The biggest issue (one that made me want to make this post in the first place) is that there is no way in HELL Vanya would be able to just have an extra bottle of meds for “emergencies” in her house (once again, if she was bound by the rules of normal doctors and insurance compaines). Either she stopped taking her medications for a whole month so she could have her bottle of extras (which she obviously didn’t do), or somehow she managed to get the pharmacy to give her an extra bottle. Pharmacies DO sometimes provide an emergency dose, if your doctor isn’t reachable to write in a new prescription or something, but it’s usually 3-5 pills MAX.

Part 2: Taking the Meds (these next two parts are questionable even if she gets her meds from TUA and Reginald, Pogo, or Grace (Mom))

Firstly, after taking the same meds (and presumably the same dose) for at least 10 years, it’s unlikely that it would still be effective. Your body tends to develop a sort of immunity after a couple of years to the meds you’re taking, so they either need to be changed or the dosage needs to be upped. After 10 or more years, the medication would probably have to be completely changed.

This is probably one of the most important ones, to me: VANYA SHOULD NEVER BE TAKING HER MEDS AT RANDOM TIMES IN THE DAY! Most meds need to be taken at a regularish time every day. I take mine around 6am and then 7-8pm. Even if I delay them for a few hours (like until noon), I feel really off for the rest of the day. If she’s taking them whenever (which she seems to be doing) either they won’t be effective or she’ll experience swings or something when she takes them later in the day. Which leads me to....

Part 3: Going off the Meds

side note: what Leonard did (taking Vanya’s meds) was absolutely disgusting. If you ever even think about that I will hunt you down and invert your rib cage.

Once Vanya went off her meds abruptly (which you should never, ever do, since depending on the meds and dose it can kill you) she should’ve been feeling some serious side effects before she started to feel better. Think Klaus when he involuntarily then voluntarily stopped taking drugs and went through withdrawal. That’s what Vanya should’ve been like. A hot mess, at LEAST for a few days.

AKA DONT EVER GO OFF YOUR MEDS W/O HELP FROM YOUR DOC OKAY KIDS

Anyways, thanks for reading my rantish/info sesh about Vanya’s Meds.

EDIT: please check out the comments, because there’s other POVs for taking meds there!! for a part of this I was going off of my own personal experience, so it isn’t a blanket statement for everyone who takes meds all the time.

[imagine-texting-svt]

Therapist! Joshua

Loves his job so much

Just loves helping people

So it fits him v well

Sometimes it’s hard on him though because everyone spills all of their problems onto him and it’s hard for him not to take some of it home

Works the normal 9-5 hours or something in between

Gets mondays and Saturdays off

Basically runs the therapy program

Did the one thing none of the other therapists want to do which is take on the interns

Had Seungkwan for 3 months

Worst 3 months ever

Was shit at being quiet and observing a session

Refused to take anymore interns after Seungkwan

Works mainly with doctors

It’s not uncommon for doctors to suffer with depression and anxiety

Out of all the professions being a doctor is actually the profession with the highest suicide rates so the hospital always wants checks on them

Josh and 2 other therapists made rounds to the doctors 4 times a year

The doctors dreaded seeing any of the therapists come to their wards

Josh kinda found it amusing

On rare occasions though docs have actually come to see Josh without upper management mandating it

Upper management actually mandates that after a doc has an patient death they have to see Josh or a different therapist for at least a month after in order to help the suicide rates

He understood doing evals on the surgeons and people like that but he never understood why he had to do evals on the other therapists

Not just mental health therapists but the physical health therapists as well

Like the occupational therapists like Sooyoung's s/o

Josh doesn't just do normal therapy

If he doesn't have any evals or any appointments he goes and volunteers over at the paediatric and does a little music class

He brings his guitar and has the music therapist give him a bunch of instruments and goes over and plays music with the kids

Because paediatric is anyone under 18, the 12 and up dont really see the point in that so Josh actually does music therapy with them, much to the annoyance of the actual music therapist

Soonyoung loves Josh working with his kids, especially the older ones

Dr. Hosh refers all of his older kids to Josh

Alright so you’re a nurse on the paediatric ward

For two hours of your shift one day you got assigned to playroom

Most of the nursed hated the play room bc you were basically just trying to make sure sick children werent fighting each other, everyone who needed meds got them, basically just herding kittens

One little girl came up in English and asked if Doctor Josh was coming today

You had no idea who that was so you just kinda told her you werent sure and left it at that

Even though Josh came to the ward often you were mainly with patients as you were one of the bilingual nurses

Dr. Hosh came in to the playroom and immediately got smothered by small children trying to climb him like he was a jungle gym

He announced Dr. Josh was coming to visit them and then had you announce it in English

After that Soonyoung succumbed to the small children and eventually was lying on the ground as small children were climbing him

Until he got a page, then he one by one got the kids of him and bolted

About 5 minutes later Dr. Josh came in with a guitar case on his back

You only knew it was him because there was a mix of “Dr. Josh” and “Dr. Hong” in both English and Korean

Josh smiled at you and then he wheeled in a cart of toys

“Hi, sorry I dont think we’ve ever met. Joshua Hong, therapist, nice to meet you.” he said in Korean

“Oh um. Hi. I’m y/n y/l/n, nurse, nice to meet you too.” you reply back in Korean

You were just looking at each other for a good thirty seconds before a scream interrupts you, little Michael had fallen over a toy

You dash over to him and assess him quickly, nothing wrong just some bruises but he was four so of course he was gonna cry

You start trying to sooth him in English before leaving so Josh can do his music thing

Soothing Michael to sleep, you put him back in his room and let his attending nurse know what happened

You get back to the play room and the kids are wrapping up as apparently it took almost an hour to sooth michael

Josh packs up and starts loading stuff into his cart

“Hey, y/n, you speak english?” Josh asks

“Yep” you tell him while you can your eyes around the room to make sure no kids were killing each other

“Jiyang! Stop trying to put Daeyeols bunny in trash!”

Jiyang puts his head down and gives Daeyeol his bunny back

“So how long have you been on this ward?” Josh asks

“A few years, I use to be in the Emerg- INCHAE! STOP HITTING KIEUNS DOLL!”

Herding kittens

Josh just laughed

“But Y/n Noona! Kieun took my doll!” Little Inchae complained

“Kieun, did you take Inchaes doll?”

She nods her head

You swear you can never win

Josh finds you managing small conflict adorable

After you solve the doll crisis you page out to the other nurses so they could come get their kids and take them back to their room

“Y/n.” You feel a tug on your scrubs

You look down and see, Kyla, a little 5 year old, “Are you and Dr. Josh gonna go on a date? He’s looking at you like how my mommy looks at my mama.”

Blushing starts. Oh the blushing starts. “I don’t know Kyla. Go play with your toys until Nurse Rachel comes and gets you okay?”

She nods her head

“Well. I guess Kyla helped spill that I thought you were pretty.” Josh says to you

You almost choke. Josh thought you were pretty? You’ve seen him once!

“Hey look. I know we just met, but honestly, I would like to get some coffee with you and maybe get to know you a little better.”

All you can do is nod because you're so shocked like what just happened.

“Can I ha-”

“DAEHAN LET GO OF MINGUK'S SHIRT!” You cut him off and hurry over to the two six year olds fighting each other

“Daehan what did we say about hurting other people.” You ask the young boy

“It’s bad and we shouldn’t do it.” He mumbles

“Exactly. Apologize to Minguk.”

“Sorry Minguk.”

“What are you sorry for Daehan.” You push

“I’m sorry for grabbing your shirt and pushing you.” He says with his head down

“Thank you Daehan. Alrighty. Minguk, Nurse Jisung is here so go with him. I need to tell Nurse Siyeon about this Daehan.”

Daehan looks mad but resentful

You walk back over to Josh, “Sorry bout that. Kids. Oh here my number.” You say and rattle off the digits

He texts you after he gets off shift.

You two set up a coffee date during your lunch break on Friday

When that Friday comes you guys talk for the whole time and both really enjoy yourselves

Soon every day you’re both there you get lunch together

Alrighty so it’s been almost two months into the daily lunch with Josh and you start developing serious feelings for him

You were having a pretty bad day, but then you saw you got assigned to playroom duty again you wanted to hit your head against a wall

Little did you know, Josh had talked with Soonyoung about wanting to confess to you during his little music therapy time so he had soonyoung purposely assign you to play room

About 15 minutes into monitoring Josh showed up with his guitar. All the kids gathered around him and he started playing the guitar

Then he started singing

He started singing confession by astro and looked at you the whole time

After he finished he looked at you in the eye and asked you to be his girlfriend

You said yes

Obviously

As he did the whole thing in Korean and there were some English speakers in there, he asked you again in English and you told him yes again

He later said he wanted to make sure all the kids knew

After that Soonyoung came in clapping and he had a birthday cake for one of the boys in there

Josh played happy birthday on the guitar while everyone sang

After he blew out the candles josh grabbed your hand

“Finally. You’re mine.”

[buoyantsaturn]

I want to see your take on a what-if future universe where Will has to/accidentally eats an Underworld Pomegranate? (headcanon on effects/consequences/dynamic changes etc.) Thank you! :D

omg i was so excited when i saw this bc what a good prompt and it ended up being so long so the rest is under the cut but thank you so much for the suggestion!!

nico sneaks will into the underworld once bc he has an errand to run before they go on a date so like why not bring will too so he drops will off in persephones garden goes to run his errand and reminds will has hes leaving not to eat anything

Will totally knows not to eat anything thank u very much but hes also very hungry and apparently pretty easily tricked bc when nico comes back he slaps a pomegranate out of will’s hand and forces wills mouth open to see if he ate anything and wills just like “c’mon one seed wont kill me right”

nico drags will into the palace while trying to keep himself from panicking and walks right up to hades and hes like “we have a problem” and hades takes one look at will and rolls his eyes and they basically have a whole conversation as if will isn’t there

Nicos like “hes my boyfriend u made an exception for ur wife now make an exception for him” and hades is like “but demeter is much more threatening than you” and nicos like “but we all know you like me better than her so you should want me to be happy and will makes me happy” “but its his own stupid fault for eating it” “but hes a child of apollo and will get super annoying without any proper sunlight and u dont want that”

Finally hades looks at will and hes like “how much did you eat” and wills like “one seed” so hades rolls his eyes again and hes like “i’ll give u the same punishment that persephone got: one seed=one month so for one month each year u have to live here” and will kinda shrugs bc like,,, better than he thought that would turn out so they leave and go on their date

the one month will spends in the underworld each year is january bc its not busy at camp and theres hardly any sun then anyway. He doesnt miss christmas with his mom and while hes in the underworld he finds out that its also nicos birthday month!! and nico also chooses to spend a bunch of time in the underworld with will while hes stuck there, at least as often as he can

obvi persephone is never really affected by her time in the underworld bc shes immortal but like when will first comes back to camp he looks kinda awful?? A little bit like he had actually been dead for maybe a few days and then brought back but after a few days hes like perfectly back to normal

this same thing happens to him every year and its like hes getting closer and closer to death and nicos the only one that notices like hes super considered about will who keeps insisting that hes fine and nico tries to renegotiate with hades but it doesnt work

Will moves on from camp eventually and gets into college and switches his one-month-sentence to july instead of january so that it doesnt mess with classes but it starts to mess with him in general bc hes missing out on a whole month of sun plus classes are wearing him down so hes just closer and closer to death even more and the whole thing kinda really freaks nico out but theres nothing he can do about it other than keep will sane and ward off death as much as possible

Will graduates top of his class in med school but holds off on applying for jobs until after july and now he spends so much of his time in the underworld practically comatose that nico would think that hes actually dead if he couldnt feel that he was still barely alive

Will manages about two years working at a hospital and switches his time in the underworld to random months so that its not suspicious when he asks for time off for “family emergencies” but about a month after he comes back the second time he collapses on the job and nico comes in and starts shouting at him bc he knew something like this would happen and he tried to tell will to stop or slow down but will wont listen to him and as soon as hes cleared to go back to work he does

theyre both around 28 when will spends his last one-month in the underworld and they spend most of it arguing and wills basically like “im fine, u wanna know just how healthy i think i am??? I have a ring for u at my apartment bc i’m 100% sure that im gonna live long enough to marry you” and nicos like “if u were gonna live that long i’d say yes but im not stupid” and they dont really talk to each other for the rest of the month and nico doesnt go back up with will at the end of the month

he knows its gonna happen soon and only has to wait around for a week before will appears in the throne room and hades tells him hes an idiot but as long as nico doesnt kick him out of the palace he can stay so will goes to find nico and honestly thinks that nicos gonna break up with him but instead nico apologizes and so will apologizes and they decide to get married in the underworld

thank you again!!

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