#like i worked so hard at caring for myself today and i still wanna die lmao

[tayloralisonswift]

i want to get better but i don’t even know how.

[hearts4golbach]

The Night Shift.

Johnnie Guilbert x Fem!Reader.

Chapter 27.

Jake, Johnnie and i decided to walk around downtown for a vlog. before this, i had never really been in any of their videos. although, Jake had been begging me for ages to record with him, and today was finally the day we could make it work.

we walked around stores to pass the time and try to get some funny content. of course, that was easy for them to do. their lewd jokes and comments about everything made it hard for me to not giggle. as i got more comfortable, i was able to joke around with them, revealing a part of myself i had never really let shine that prominent before.

later on, we stumbled upon a tattoo parlor. Johnnie turned to me, his eyes sparking. "what if we got matching tattoos?"

i didn't even feel the need to consider it before i agreed. yolo, right? "uh, duh. are you sure you wanna do that, though?"

"absolutely," he smiled as we began walking towards the front door of the parlor.

"and it's content for the fans to make edits," Jake added in a teasing way.

the three of us ended up getting tattoos. Jake got more stars added on his neck while me and Johnnie got matching System of a Down tattoos. of course, it was a huge commitment, but neither of us cared. on the back of our forearms read 'and if you go, i wanna go with you,' and 'and if you die, i wanna die with you." i also got a smaller tattoo of fairies on my wrist that nearly wrapped around the whole way.

while Johnnie held my hand comfortingly during the tattoos, i began to ramble to distract myself from the pain. "my parents would kill me if they see these," i laughed, "they've always been really against tattoos, piercings, too. any altercation to my body would be like the world is caving in to them." Johnnie continued to listen as i spoke about my parents.

Jake was on the chair next to me, responding and making more conversation as a way to distract himself from the pain as well. we updated the video on how the tattoos were going, showing off all our new ink. we had spent at least 2 and a half hours in there before leaving.

i absolutely adored my new tattoos, not being able to keep my eyes off of my arm for more than 5 minutes. "the fairies were a really cute idea, i love them." Johnnie commented and he slowly ran his thumb over my wrist. of course, Jake was recording.

since Jake was the only editing, the video was for his channel, he added all of the "cute" moments between me and Johnnie. whenever i watched the finally edited video, i couldn't stop giggling and smiling. i knew recording this would be an unforgettable experience for me, especially since it was my first video with them. i really hoped i'd be able to record with them more in the future.

even though i had gotten no sleep that day, i still went to work, of course. the night ended up being very slow, so i decided to spend my time deep cleaning the kitchen. to be fair, it really needed it. the day shift people always left it a mess no matter how much i complained.

Johnnie came in and joined me only a few hours later right after i had finished the kitchen. i brought out a few croissants for us to share as we spoke.

"hey," he greeted, pulling me in for a hug as he usually did.

"hi, what's keeping you up tonight?"i pondered, placing a kiss on his cheek before sitting at the chair across from his.

"to be honest, you. i've been wanting to tell you something for a while."he grinned, "you know how i'm announcing a new song tomorrow?" i nodded slowly, growing slightly worried. "well, its about you. and i've been worried you'd be weirder out or something because i wrote a song about you."

my jaw dropped. "are you serious?!" i covered my mouth with my hand to hide my smile. "why would i be weirded out by that? that's the sweetest thing someone has ever done for me, Johnnie! what's it called?"

"it's called 'if looks could kill,' i know it's a cringy name." he blushed and avoided eye contact.

"hm, i think it's cute," i took his hands in mine. "i'm so excited to hear it!"

"i really hope you'll love it."

hours later, i finally closed and got to go home. i crawled in bed next to a sleeping Johnnie. i was so relieved he got that off his chest and was finally able to sleep. i had noticed recently he did seem more restless than usual, and know i knew why. i snuggled up close to him and fell asleep as well.

for the next week or so, Jake spammed my phone with links to edits of me and Johnnie and even reposted some. i constantly threatened to block him, but he didn't stop. whenever i got used to it, i thought it was funny and even cute sometimes. i even reposted a lot of them on my account, which made me gain a larger following because of the two of them.

jake: (link)

jake: (link)

jake: (link)

jake: (link)

jake: (link)

me: SHUT UP I KNOW

jake: y/n you are popping off right now queen

me: ikr

[1moremilgram-enjoyer]

Kazui T1 Cover - Yowamushi Montblanc

How many of these until you're all tired of it? Well, we still have twelve to go after this one, so. Today's cover analysis focuses on Kazui's Yowamushi Montblanc! Very pretty souding song!

I can't bring myself to hope for it to be true As I'm still not strong enough In our contract meeting Once again I will fall into you Each and every of my pondering Translates into only so many words I loved you, but it's become too ponderous Is that all there is to it?

(Translation)

The singer of this song has romantic feelings towards another person, but they struggle to confess to them. They don't think they're strong or brave enough to do it, so they 'can't bring themselves to hope.' Every time they meet, the singer falls in love all over again, but their thoughts (ponderings) aren't fully expressed (only so many words), so their love becomes too heavy to bear (ponderous = heavy). In particular, they're afraid of the other person's reaction to those feelings, imagining that they will react with disdain.

"You should just die this very moment"

Thus, Yowamushi Montblanc is about a person who is too afraid to reveal their own feelings, with 'yowamushi' meaning 'coward.'

...

Yep! That's Kazui! Alright, end post everyone, take care!

...

Okay fine I'll talk about it a bit more.

[Cat] All those things I wanna do that I can’t say out loud I gotta keep it inside and act The beating of this heart… see… it’s no longer about good and bad… it isn’t I realize the futility, but I still can’t help but dream

Yeah, honestly, if you had told me Yowamushi Montblanc was Kazui's Trial 3 song I would not have batted an eye. The theme of being too afraid to reveal his own feelings is extremely prevalent in Kazui's story, regardless of what those feelings exactly are.

(gay gay homosexual gay)

Hell, the guy even straight up calls himself a coward in half.

[half] So many things I wish I hadn't known, I'm just a coward

In the song, the singer hides their feelings until they start drifting away from their love interest.

Who was it that I loved? I can't remember despite all that time I spent Now it's just fading away, out of my sight Although I'm sure it's still somewhere right here I can just forget about it it will disappear my own reflection [...] Yes, you are in my thoughts hanging in the air but you are slowly fading away, completely And I can no longer tell you anything

This vaguely fits the lyrics of half, which commonly reference drifting away due to indecision and fear. Who Kazui is talking to in half is honestly a pretty good question, but for our purposes, it works particularly well if we assume he's singing to the bartender.

[half] Only if your heart would change but that’s not possible Please tell me what I should do, my heart will float away and disappear

Finally, the titular Montblanc is referenced in this lyric:

It's fine for it to be true since I can't go back Or I will get scared again This mont blanc is so sweet I want to drown in its sweetness with my bare feet

The 'sweetness' likely refers to the idea of a relationship with the love interest, since the video has a lot of sweets as imagery of the singer's desires. And the snow of the mont blanc would be the sugar.

So 'scaling up the sweet montblanc with bare feet' would be revealing their feelings to enter a relationship and thereby taking in the sweetness unfiltered. The imagery of scaling a mountain makes it clear it would be demanding, but since the singer enjoys touching the snow with bare feet (touching the 'sweetness'), they would enjoy the process of putting effort into the relationship. Does that make sense? Again, it's not too hard to relate this to Kazui wanting to reveal his true feelings as well.

However, there's a bit more symbolism if you want to go into 'is this even intentional' territory, which I do. The mountain known as Montblanc is the highest mountain in the Alps and in all of western Europe, which again shows how demanding it would be to enter the relationship. However, the most common route up the mountain, the Goûter Route, is "simple and requires few technical abilities, but [...] it is also physically demanding, and may be totally exhausting to those with limited athletic ability." It's ranked PD, which I'm sure we're all aware is the second lowest difficulty for climbing mountains; not effortless, but very doable. Therefore, it is something most people can do without much difficulty, though naturally some people will struggle more due to physical limitations.

This makes sense in the context of the song, where scaling the mountain means engaging in a relationship. Society says being in a relationship is something most people should be able to do without much difficulty, but the protagonist does struggle with. There are several societal issues that converge in that point, but that's the main idea; the singer might feel insecure that they can't fulfill societal expectations.

...

Yep! That's him!

(T1) Q3: If you were allowed to do anything, what would you want to do? K: I'd like to live righteously.

(T1) Q4: Do you think that your family is proud of you? K: No. They must find me embarrassing.

Plus other stuff like this. Again, doubt I have to explain much further, Kazui's struggles to conform to expectations is another of his main character themes. One he shares with his prisoner pair partner, 08, who shall not be named lest I accidentally derail the entire post talking about her.

Anyways, that was that for Yowamushi Montblanc! Take care!

[pastelpousay]

Hi so uhh..my mom said she may take my phone again 💀 if I start failing and I’m already failing three classes so…..(Rant/vent I may delete later)

I’m literally so done with this school and everyone here why am I missing assignments I didn’t even know about. I literally have to pay my art teacher next week for something. I have things to do over the weekend. I’m literally so ready to kill myself progress reports come out tomorrow or today I don’t even care to know

I literally have a zero in English I wanna die like I’m so ready to kill myself. My friends hate me. Everyone hates me I literally don’t know what I did wrong. I’m doing everything I can I hate this school. I don’t need advice, I don’t want help. I’m just sick of doing the work. It’s not even hard it’s just too much to keep up at once. It’s like my only responsibility but like I can’t do this right now I feel like the world is against me.

I can’t do digital art. If I fail this year I might as well die I can’t fail again. I’m so sick of everything 😭 I literally wanna die bro or go to bed and not wake up. I don’t understand I literally am trying my best and it doesn’t even matter like. I don’t understand like I’m doing all I can’t and no one gets it.

And my friends keep giving me advice like I haven’t done it already I try dude I do. I just can’t I want to have free time but I literally won’t if I’m doing this. I actually cannot I wanna spend time with my family but I feel like my mom is fed up with me. 😕

I’m so ready to die I literally can’t do this anymore. No one wants to talk to me about the things I enjoy. I have no one. I feel like I have no friends and they keep saying they’re there for me but are you?? Like dude.

I literally messed up my clean streak so bad I couldn’t even go two full months and here we are. I already knew I wouldn’t be able to last but still 😕

I give up. I literally just give up.

[yandere-paramour]

Y'know, I think Atalanta just has that type of personality I would not be compatible with in general, like, we would be business rivals maybe because I'd always feel like I have to one-up her😭 that being said, she is kinda growing on me in the span of these few days because I can see a gentle and caring side in her from some of the things you've written and that's really cute. She loves in the way she knows best and that is an admirable trait, so she has my respect.

Ahhh, but Vivien brings light to my life, reading about him is so fun!! Really, just wanna walk in when he's at work, buy flowers right from the shop and then give them to him as a present. If it were up to me, he would be all pampered. I know Noelle is still sort of new but she also gives me the same vibe, I would totally treat her sweetly and I also think she would just be nice to talk to. I can imagine she'd be understanding, but then again, I guess all the yans would try to be for their darling anyway.

I'm glad that whatever I had to say was inspiring to you!! I'm also sorry because it wasn't a very eloquent message at all, but I'm happy you could extract what was of value from it. And I wanna say thank you for writing and sharing it with us here, because honestly you've built such a beautiful reprieve in your blog and I know it's a place I can always come to for a needed escape whenever.

Anyway, I think I'm rambling now, I actually just wanted to wish you happy birthday now that it's July 3rd (at my time of sending). Happy 22nd and I hope today and every other day coming is great for you. Take care of yourself and rest when you can. All the best to you always!!

Atalanta is always such a fun character for me to write because she is always trying to put on this front of being calm and cool and collected and for the most, she truly is like that, but she has these moments of vulnerability with her Darling that I like best because it shows her as being just Ata and not Atalanta Montclair. She truly is the product of her upbringing; she is somehow both her mother's daughter and her father's daughter at the same time. She loves her Darling in the only way she knows how. Even if it isn't perfect, I like to think I manage to convey the high esteem she holds you in. She holds her Darling in such regard, she just doesn't know how to properly protect and care for you.

Oh Vivien is my little guy, I love him so much. I'm glad you enjoy him. He is probably the least dangerous of my yanderes, at least towards Darling (remember, he is technically a serial killer). He has had such a hard life, I can't bring myself to write him in any angst because I just want him to be happy.

Noelle is new and I'm still fleshing her out as a person. She strikes me as someone who stays silent a lot, not because she's shy but just because she has nothing to say to you. But when she's with her sisters or with Ata, she's funny and charming. I think the thing that endears me most to her is her fear of losing what she has. She has clawed her way up from the depths of the hell that was her childhood and now that she has reached the top, she would sooner die than give up her lifestyle, and that includes her Darling. I think she's the most controlling yan (more on this later, random fan I got your ask and I'm working on it, I swear, I'm just balls deep in the neuromuscular junction rn) because of this fear of hers. I should write something to try and shake her to her very core and see what comes out.

Ah, your messages are so kind. I really do find comfort and happiness in kind messages like this. I always want to know what you guys think about the characters and kindness about my writing and my birthday is just the sugar on the cream. It is so easy with blogs like this to turn from a writer to just a content creator churning out as much work as possible to keep the followers happy, but it's messages like this that make me feel human again. Thank you. It means a lot to me to know that I have created a space where people can come to lose themselves in my stories.

And yes, haha, it was my silly lil birthday today. I spent most of it in school or driving but I watched King of the Hill and I studied so it was okay :)

[wearelondonhq]

Time for a meme! If you want to take part all you have to do is reblog this post. Remember if you reblog to send them out to those who also do. Meme lasts from today (13/07) to the next Monday (17/07)! As always, please have fun and happy meme day!

"Do you remember, we were sittin', there by the water?"

"You learn my secrets and you figure out why I'm guarded"

"You are the best thing, that's ever been mine"

"I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter."

"I remember how we felt, sitting by the water and every time I look at you, it's like the first time."

"She is the best thing that's ever been mine"

"Gimme something that'll haunt me when you're not around"

"It's just wrong enough to make it feel right"

"You gave me roses and I left them there to die"

"But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right"

"I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind"

"This is surely not what you thought it would be"

"It seems that I was uninvited by your lovely bride-to-be"

"I lose myself in a daydream"

"You have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them"

"Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me"

"Trying to block you out, 'cause I'll never impress you"

"This is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less"

"How I was losing my mind when I saw you here"

"Why are we pretending this is nothing?"

"I won't let nobody hurt you"

"Remember that she's gettin' older too"

"Remember the footsteps, remember the words said"

"This was the very first page, not where the story line ends"

"I'll spend forever wondering if you knew"

"2 AM, who do you love?"

"I never saw it coming, nor would I have suspected it"

"You might have him, but I'll always get the last word"

"But no amount of vintage dresses gives you dignity"

"Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything and everybody believed in you?"

"I hope you remember today is never too late to be brand new"

"It's okay, life is a tough crowd"

"It's getting dark and it's all too quiet"

"But I still mean every word I said to you"

❛  just breathe, just relax, it'll be okay.  ❜

❛  i've got my money on things goin' badly.  ❜

❛  all i know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life.  ❜

❛  i want you now, i wanna need you forever.  ❜

❛  i'm trying hard not to look like i'm trying.  ❜

❛  every time i tried hard for love, it fell apart.  ❜

❛  i was thinking just one time, maybe the stars allign and maybe i call you mine.  ❜

❛  to tell you the truth, sometimes i wish i was them.  ❜

❛  you won't lose yourself in love the way that i did.  ❜

❛  all the bad boys would be good boys if they only had a chance to love you.  ❜

"Something keeps me holding on to nothing"

"So why did you go away?"

"There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions"

"But I never planned on you changing your mind"

"May these memories break our fall"

"Tell them how the crowds went wild"

"I had the time of my life with you"

"Strangers' silence makes me want to take the stairs"

"You never know what people have up their sleeves"

"People throw rocks at things that shine"

"I was playing back a thousand memories, baby"

"Is that the kind of ending you wanna see now?"

"I know that we could work it out somehow"

"He's not all bad like his reputation"

"Right here, wishing the flowers were from you"

"'Cause I've loved you from the very first day"

❛  i've been watching you for ages and i spend my time trying not to feel it.  ❜

❛  what would you do if i went to touch you now?  ❜

❛  what would you do if they never found us out?  ❜

❛  it's best that we move fast and keep quiet.  ❜

❛  you won't believe half the things i see inside my head.  ❜

❛  wait 'til you see half the things that haven't happened yet.  ❜

❛  i could see you being my addiction.  ❜

❛  you can see me as a secret mission.  ❜

❛  once, i had an empire in a golden age. i was held up so high. i used to be great.  ❜

❛  they used to cheer when they saw my face. now, i fear i have fallen from grace.  ❜

❛  i feel like my castle's crumbling down and i watch all my bridges burn to the ground.  ❜

❛  you don't want to know me, i will just let you down.  ❜

❛  i held that grudge 'til it tore me apart.  ❜

❛  ones i loved tried to help so i ran them off. and here i sit alone behind walls of regret.  ❜

❛  people look at me like i'm a monster.  ❜

❛  i know that you and i would've found each other in another life.  ❜

❛  you are not the exception. you will never learn your lesson.  ❜

❛  you still would've turned my head even if we'd met on a crowded street in 1944. ❜

❛  how could i not see the signs?  ❜

❛  when all is said and done, they just weren't the one.  ❜

❛  even in a different life, you still would've been mine.  ❜

❛  time breaks down your mind and body. don't you let it touch your soul.  ❜

❛  i'm gonna love you when our hair is turning gray.  ❜

[nathaaaan]

*queue depressing music playlist*

hey

ever feel scummy? feel like people who are your "friends" don't like you? hate you? and even if they explicitly tell you that you're cool and what not, you think they're lying? same

that feeling never goes away, but i ran into one of my friends at the store today, and i met their dad, and he told me that they talked about me a lot. the way he said it lead me to believe it was positive and deep deep deep deep deep deep deep DEEP down, i thought he was lying. but he sounded so... genuine. he even offered to drive me home, he insisted actually.

it felt nice?

i don't know, emotions are weird.

personally, i think my irrational thinking of how people view me stems from what my mom says about me. she says im rude or mean, and sarcastic, im not fun, blah blah. ive apologized for being mean, because ive asked several of my friends if i was, and most said "kinda" or "it depends"

most of my friends seem... happy to see me? and i still dont understand why. i honestly talk and joke about death or dying (which just happens to be a sign of depression, thank you for teaching me that, school), and sometimes my friends ask, "are you okay?" lying to them feels weird, so i say no with a smile on my face. :)

i dont have therapy, or anybody to talk to about this stuff, cause really, i dont want to and there are bigger problems in the world. if i talked to a parent about therapy, they'd ask why i wanted it, and the last thing i wanna do is talk to them about it.

i dont even know what to do with myself. i cant do anything like work because im too young. the things i like to do aren't fun anymore (which also just happens to be a sign of depression, again, thank you school.) i dont want to do anything actually, besides lay down and die, but dying is the hard part >:/

im ranting, i know im ranting, because i forgot about the point i was trying to make, but idk what else to do. i don't expect this to get any attention, cause like, who cares?

the point i was initially going to make was "people love you" or something, but i clearly abandoned that.

if you dont mind me, im going to lay here and spiral. :3

anyway, if you actually bothered to read this, thanks i guess. hope you have a good day/night. <3

[blunkis]

I know I'm constantly in burnout, and yet I still put out my maximum. I know I should take time for myself, but I always go to the maximum. I push myself as hard as I can to chat with my friends and significant other, neglecting parts of my life for it. I push myself as hard as I can at work, ruining my body further every day. I find a new place that aches, or a new spot that's too tight, and I never baby it unless I'm in my like 30 minutes of me time per day. I'm actively self-destructing in the most disgusting, horrific display of what the human body can and cannot handle, and yet because my body is used to it, I know that I'll likely never be able to stop.

I know not to put everything into my dead end job at a convenience store, and yet I do. I throw myself at the metaphorical wall again and again, trying to convince myself to take it easy today. Just today, take time and relax. Real time, not 30 minutes sprinkled throughout the day, take at least an hour straight of me time. It never works. The only break I take at work is standing at the register and eating after I cooked and prepared our whole menu for customers in an hour. Even then, the only food I eat is what would be tossed anyways. I don't take care of my body's needs and yet I actively still throw everything I have and even more out there, because of that phrase.

When I was younger, I thought that phrase was stupid because I knew no one could survive always being on maximum output. But then when I would do things easily without trying, or would perform mediocre without really giving it my all, my parents would be mad at me and tell me to always do my best. One day I guess I finally gave in and I just started going until I die. Still haven't died, so I'm still going. I know that if I ever wanna own a house, I'll likely be forced to work two or even three jobs just to afford it. I know that will kill me, and yet because I'm at my maximum at everything, I'm maximum at my love for my significant other. I'm willing to throw my life away just so that they can live happier.

TL;DR: fuck this saying, it's getting me killed. Someone fix it before other people end up just like me.

No wonder I’ve been like this my entire life…

That Spicy Autistic Femme

[xpiester333x]

Wanna hear what my stress dreams are like because I'm gonna tell you (and tw cause this is kinda graphic?):

The dream was in third person, like I could see everything happening but I was not in the dream. It was like watching the movie. And it started with a woman in my dream that looked like my coworker, named Mary. And Mary has just gotten home from work. Her big German Shepard dog came out to greet her as she was walking up the sidewalk to her house. She had a bad day so she kneeled down to love on her dog a bit. Her neighbor was outside watering her garden.

Then the dream was in first person, momentarily, and it was from the perspective of someone laying on the ground in the neighbors yard. They were stretching their hand out like they were reaching out for help. They could see Mary, her dog, and the neighbor. Their hand was mangled. Fingers broken in several places and stuck at odd angles, some with the bone sticking out through their skin. They were only really able to move 2 fingers, the rest were too broken to even move. And this person was making gasping, gurgling sounds and moaning in pain. This person could see Mary look at them in concern.

Then back in third person, Mary asked her neighbor "what's going on? What is that?"

And the neighbor looked at the woman on the ground and it was an old woman, writhing and moaning and mangled and she was reaching out to them with her broken hand and making choked off sounds. She looked like she was probably dying.

But the neighbor said "I don't know. Just ignore it, it's a nuisance."

And Mary did kind of ignore it and just continued petting her dog but she did keep shooting the dying woman some concerned looks. She didn't really know what to do.

The neighbor was still talking, explaining how the old woman just turned up in her yard today and she was so inconvenienced because couldn't this dirty person find somewhere else to die. But probably the old woman deserved it and as soon as her husband came home she was going to have him move the old woman's body out to the curb with the trash.

And then the air went still and quiet. I, the viewer, could feel a strong sense of rage towards the neighbor (this is the only time I play a role in this dream). Then their was a voice both Mary and the neighbor could hear in their heads that loudly said:

"Beware of women in the woods."

Then, lightning fast, the neighbor lady fell to her hands and knees, like she was going to grovel, but her head his the ground so hard you could hear a splat and see a splash of red.

And at this point I had kind of decided this dream was getting to be too much so I was trying to wake myself up. But before I did fully, my dreamed changed to show Mary hiding inside a small box, in the middle of the woods, and she knew something was coming for her, and she knew the dying woman was going to kill her too for not helping.

Then I really woke up because I didn't really care to see what happened to Mary.

[sakusakupanda9-blog]

Hi, this is Shasha (fake name) and I’m writing this because I want to die. It’s not my first time feeling like this but this one is pretty deep and bad. The purpose of this piece of writing is that I have written everything I want to say and tell people after I die so I can die anytime I want without needing to open up my laptop and type for hours.

For now two of the main reasons I wanna end all this are follows

I hate my mum

I am an ugly and awkward person

Let’s start with the first point. I hate my mum. This statement is pretty self explanatory but let’s elaborate on it. She is very selfish but she doesn’t realise it. She is super privileged but she does’t know that. And the biggest part is that she doesn’t know that she is a bad mother. She’s been hurting me mentally and physically since for ever. There was one time she threw shoes at me in the car after tennis lesson and threw fish eggs at me while I was practcing the piano. Anyways, that’s fine. I want to die because I just realised that I can never be happy. I’m a try-hard and trying to somehow somewhat succeed in my life but i realised that because of the scars and damage I got from my mum I can never be truly happy. I’ll probably still be traumatized from my childhood any days I spent with my mum no matter how old I become or how successful I become. While my mum who hasn’t done anything mothery in the past four years will be bragging about my success to grannies on golf courses. I don’t like that. I really don’t like that. My friend basically told me to suck it up and ignore it but I can’t. I’m not kind enough for that. 

So that was the background info and now I gotta star talking about why I want to kill myself today. It is because she is cudding and making weird noises and being like a 12 year-old slut who just got her first boyfriend in the livingroom next to my room. Plus I’m stressed about huge amount of school work that I need to complete and get well in. It might seem like not much but it is for me. I thought it will be over when she broke up with the last boyfriend that looked like a goblin but she got herself another one in a week. She also say bad thing about me to her bf  probably subconsciously just to agree with him and make herself look good and I can’t forgive that. Because that 12 year-old girl is supposed to be my mum. Thus, I wanna kill myself :)

Next point is that I am an ugly and awkward person. Honestly if I lose 7kg and exercise more, I think I’ll be decent but I can never do that. Some people have tiny face with pretty eyes and long straight legs and clear skin but I don’t have any of that. While I think that if I’m confident in myself in some aspects other than my looks I wouldn’t care about how I look but I don’t have anything I can be confident about so this is the easiest target. If I was prettier my would have been so much better. It’s not that I want attention from boys (well…sort of but no) but I just wanna be confident that’s it. I wanna be confident in myself. That leads me to the other point, I’m awkward. It’s all because I’m not confident in myself. It’s not because of my english skill, I can say or write anything I want in English and I’m also awkward in Japanese. I hate it. I feel like I’m being judged but I feel that way only because I’m hating and judging myself. People actually don’t give a crap about me. Fully knowing all this, I’m so awkward and that’s why I can make any friends. I have friends but they are so nice that they will be friends with any not-mean person. It doesn’t have to be me. But I can’t make friends with anyone else because again, I’m an awkward person. Everyone at school is nice. They are so nice. But because I’m awkward we just end up being friend-ly to eachother and never become an actual friend. I wish I had an ability to hop in to any friend group and make friends anywhere. All I need is the confidence. And for that, I need to look good which is impossible. Also not only looking good, you kinda have to act cooooool and chill if I wanna be popular but I don’t wish for everything. Being pretty and nerdy will be more than enough.

I think all of the people I’m close with (that being two or 3 people) thinks that I’m smart and strong enough to not kill myself. Well, they are wrong. wrong wrong wrong. The truth is that I’m weak and dumb more than enought to decide to kill meself. Being one of the oldes in my year, I’m good at pretending strong and independent i guess but now, I can’t pretend anymore. If people think I’m stupid so be it, I’m tired of pretending anyways. another thing is that I’m good at shuting down on people who are trying to help me. well, if I be completely honest and subjective, it’s all because people actually don’t give a shit about my feelings or my existance. They are just simply too busy.  Although I really really wanna blame it on them, I don’t. Because they have their life and their life continues even without me. They have their problems and craps to handle and it is not their job to handle mine. Valid, I wanna die because I can’t deal with my crap, same thing. It’s just that I’m over my capacity and can’t take it anymore. Exactly like people developing random allergies to things. You are fine first but as you continue to be exposed to it, you get the allergy! So now I’m allergic to living hahahahaha I’m so funny. Now that I’m thinking of posting this somewhere as I’m writing this, I can tell that I’m conscious of how people would think reading this and I don’t like that. I dont write or speak like this at all.

After all this, the truth is that I hope one day I can delete all this and live a life where I’m surrounded by loved ones and love myself but for now this is me. The only thing that is stopping me from unaliving myself is that I don’t know how to kill a human. Unfortunately (at least for me), human bodies are tougher than we think, in my opinion. So I can’t just die!! (crying emoji) 

This is my first time writing a long piece of writing without using any translator or even Grammarly. Who ever reading this, have a lovely life!

[deathcapyandex]

The Mundane In Macabre - c2

[the mundane in macabre chapter two]

Chapter one(link)

Poetry week has started here in night vale. I have yet to write up that advertisement pitch, so I thought I'd use this chance to submit my ad to the radio in poetry form.

I'm not the best at poems but I can try a few and send them my best one, right? There's all kinds of different structures and formats for poems so maybe I can try a few different styles.

Those hooded figures came back, just a few of them stood outside. I wasn't sure what they wanted, I still haven't opened the box, but they don't speak so I couldn't really ask them about it.

They didn't stick around very long either, they left after about five minutes, so I didn't really have time to ask them anything if I wanted to.

I am still pretty curious about what's in the box, but I'll wait until at least after I've written some poems to open it. I can't keep procrastinating that ad if I wanna pay for a little air time on the radio to promote my shop.

A few medicines went missing the other day, I was short a few bottles on a shelf when I was doing inventory checks just before closing up as part of my routine. I couldn't find them anywhere.

It would be just my luck if someone shop lifted pain pills, wouldn't it. Ah well, they aren't too hard to make or order so I could just replace what I lost, it wasn't too much of a loss anyway. That's all that went missing too.

If anything else goes missing then I might actually start to have a serious problem on my hands to look into. I hope it's not connected to those hooded figures, that would be weird and wild, what would they need medicine for? And why steal it? No, doesn't seem like their doing.

Back to the poems, maybe I'll try a haiku? Though, counting syllables sounds tedious and haikus are a bit short.

Still, it's worth a shot, it'll be an okay first draft at least and I don't plan on sharing the drafts with anyone.

Cecil did mention something about the end of poetry week having some closing ceremony were poems were read and fed to the librarians? I doubt it's mandatory to read absolutely everyone's poems out loud to the town let alone all of the poems everyone wrote, right?

Maybe I'll include that theft as a little side note in the ad, just to ask for it back if they still have it? Or maybe not.

Oh I just remembered, I met the cutest girl today. She came in looking for an easy to care for plant for her desk at work.

I can't get over how cute she was, her smile was just adorable. And her eyes were such a beautiful colour, her voice even sounded sweet and soft like milk and honey. She's just the prettiest little cup of tea.

I suggested a few of the succulents we had, they're really easy to look after with very little attention required and most prefer not to be in direct sunlight so sitting on a desk would be perfect fine for them.

She seemed more interested in something with flowers though. I offered one of the potted baby marigolds I had just started growing and she seemed happier with that. "A little colour for the office" she called it.

Marigolds do need more attention than a succulent though, and will die off faster. They need more frequent repotting because of their growth too.

She seemed fine with all this when I told her about it. I hope there's a window near her desk, that marigold will need a lot of sun and water unlike a succulent.

Ah but she was too cute to turn down so I sold it to her. Her cuteness definitely overrides my concern for the plant. I'm only upset with myself for not learning her name.

I have to ask her for her name if she ever comes in again. I hope she does.

Anyway I should get to writing those poems, catch you later!

[shadowsofmysoul93]

Today I’ve really struggled. It’s been really hard.

I did not expect the break to end like this. I wanted a fresh start for us.

I’ve had a lot of negative thoughts in my head today. I’m worthless, and this would only happen to me. I ruined every fucking thing somehow. If I was better, you would not have done this or if I was worth it I feel like you would have stayed and worked this out. I literally just wanna go to sleep and I honestly just hope I die in my fucking sleep. I don’t understand what’s so good about someone new and what’s so bad about me when we have been through everything together. You’ve been there for me many times and I have been there for you many times. We both know each other better than anyone. We could have came out stronger from this. But, I think you lost faith in us a long time ago. Idk. My Grandmother & Papa were married for 60 years.. and he used to tell me relationships take two people, and they are very hard work. But if you can find someone to stick by your side through it all, keep them. Never let them go, it’s rare. I don’t want anyone new and fresh. I don’t wanna start over. I want you. I was ready to do this with you.

All this really sucks, and I can’t help but feeling like I am ending up as the bad guy here, when I did something selfish for myself. I’m not perfect and I’ve made mistakes too or said things I didn’t mean. I have tried to be selfless through so many things. And then I take a break for me, for us b/c I thought it was the right decision at the time. I’ve been there for you this whole break even when I needed space because I still cared immensely. So why now? I don’t know… Sometimes something big has to happen for people to stop avoiding things, realize things, and come together. A mistake was made, and I was willing to at least try through everything. I thought with everything that we’ve been through it would’ve been worth it for both of us to at least try and see if it could work again. I didn’t wanna do this break anymore and I just wanted you.

I wanted to work this out, and I turn around and give back in and I feel like you graveled me along and then decided to move on. Why now? Why not four days ago? Why not a week ago, why not months ago? Why now? If I would have known this would have been the outcome, I wouldn’t have opened my heart back up to you. We spent four days straight together and you even told me you were happy to wake up next to me and happy to wake up knowing I was there, and then you just turn around and leave, telling me you don’t want to be with me anymore. I don’t get it. I feel like my emotions have been messed with a little bit. It hurts so much and I honestly don’t know what to do. The question that has been running through my mind for days is, are you getting back at me for something? I almost feel like if I did not take the break then we would not be here and I would not feel so much regret. It’s hard not to blame myself and it’s hard not to feel like this is my fault. You said you ultimately slept with someone because you were lonely and I guess that’s my own fault for taking this break. Maybe if I would’ve just sucked it up and tried to work it out in Jan with you instead of moving out, we would not be here right now. I thought it was a healthy thing. I just am so lost. I feel like someone else made up your mind for you. I thought it was made up. It was so different for months. It was so different for four days. It’s hard that you got your opinion from your mom and your mom is obviously biased, because it’s your mom. My mom would be the same way. I just can’t help but to think if you didn’t call your mom we would be together. That if a few weeks had passed and she said the same thing to you, I feel like we would’ve been fine because we would’ve been working through it together. Time would’ve passed. I just wish that we could’ve at least had a conversation instead of you just disappearing and deciding that you actually want nothing to do with me. I wish I could’ve given you the reassurance you needed or tried to talk you off the cliff.

Ultimately I just don’t get it, you said you woke up and you were happy I was there yesterday. You had said so many different things to me before I went home to shower and you wanted to be with me. We were perfectly fine when I left, and in a matter of hours you didn’t want to be with me and everything changed completely. I feel like I’m being made to feel like I don’t have a right to be upset for what you did to me. I’ve had normal reactions, especially when the love of my life slept with someone else. I’ve stayed loyal all this time. I feel like everyone is getting such a biased perspective of all this. I feel like there is a lot of doubt with us and you’re listening to that. I don’t know what you are telling people about me or us but I hope you aren’t just slandering my name. I’m not doing that to you. I’ve made mistakes and so have you. My friends know the mistake that you’ve made. But ultimately, I’ve only said good things about you. There’s no point for me to talk shit on you. I hope you aren’t doing that to me either. I know a lot of people on both sides will wanna know what happened. It just didn’t work out. It just wasn’t meant to be right now. There are two sides to this and we are both at fault. This isn’t all your fault and it isn’t all mine either. I’m sorry for any sorrow I’ve caused and the mistakes I’ve made during this break. I hope you can forgive me one day.

All this hurts, because so much time has been invested and you just switched on a dime. I have so many texts from you that say that you just wanna be with me, and that I’m your endgame, and that you would wait for me and you’re not in a rush and all these things that just don’t make sense anymore. I just don’t get why you would say all those things to me for months if they weren’t genuinely true. I just don’t understand how so many things changed, or how someone new replaced me so easily and now I’m nothing, just a stranger. How can you make a decision like that so quickly… was it really thought through. I don’t get it. You just told me you wanted to figure things out with me. I wish you would have just given it some time to see how you felt. This break wasn’t all for nothing, just for things to turn out like this. I was ready to do this. I was ready to at least try. This is twice now, that you’ve given up on me completely. I’ve never given up on you. Even when I just wanted to take a break I still hadn’t given up on us. I thought I was doing something healthy for the both of us. I thought us taking some time apart would be good for us to come back together stronger. I’m human, not a robot. I have feelings and emotions too. Even on this break, I talked to you, kept in contact with you, and was there when you needed me for months so you’d be okay. I cared about you so much. I was just trying to figure some things out for me. Now at random you are just done with me and now I’m alone, again. I don’t get it. This isn’t fair. And it feels so cruel after everything and when so much time has been invested in each other. I hope one day I can look back and understand. I wish things could have been different. But I don’t wanna be with anyone who doesn’t wanna be with me. So I respect your decision.

You say you love me but you don’t want to be with me…that changed in a matter of one phone call and one hour.. This hurts worse, especially since you just up and left. No conversation. I wish you could have given me the decency of having a conversation with me in person. I’m worth at least that. There’s no closure to any of this, and it feels really shitty. I’m sick to my stomach. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I’m completely broken. I don’t want to think this is what you wanted and I don’t want to think I was tricked for months or the last four days. But I don’t know what to think. I don’t get it and I’m not sure I ever will. I hope one day I understand all this. I’ll never forget you. I’ll always be here if you ever change your mind…

I found a text from you in my phone earlier this year that said “I made the mistake of giving up on us once, and I’ll never do that again. I will never give up on you. I will never give up on us.” I wish that were still true. I’m sorry this didn’t work out. Maybe in another life. I’ll miss you.

I hope we can at least be friends someday. I don’t want there to be any ill will towards us. I truly want the best for you and I want you to be happy. You’re a good person L. Please know that. I know that and everyone else does too.

I forgive you, for what you have done. I hope you can forgive yourself to someday. Just know, even after all this, I’ll always be here for you if you ever need me for anything and I’ll never stop loving you.

[eggjaculations]

am i the only one that thinks news of someone in rehab is good? like a few of my friends have been to rehab and when they’ve told me i’ve always been like “oh, that’s great! i’m so proud of you for making it thru that, it had to be scary and hard, no? how was it?” bc well…they’re always so embarrassed and i get it, but working on your mental and physical health should never be received with negativity; there’s a stigmatism around having mental (and physical!!!) health issues that has been touched on and recognized recently, and it’s a good thing that we’re working on getting rid of that judgement. but there’s still so much stigmatization around actually working on those issues that it’s sort of plateaued for now. (as more people who struggle with a wider array of issues gain more recognition for those struggles and are listened to by those who do not struggle in the same way—or at all, for that matter; though if that is even the case for most people nowadays is a different conversation—this negativity will slowly cease to continue through general understanding and empathy. we’re getting there, we’ve just stagnated at “acceptance” for now, and an overhaul of the entire system is needed to feel real change for those of us who have been cast out by society for various reasons.)

there’s this weird feeling i get when talking to able-bodied, NT people (usually born more privileged than those around them, also a diff convo tho…) about my struggles with debilitating mental health and reoccurring, chronic physical health issues where they are genuinely absolutely considerate of the fact that i have these issues—until it gets in the way of something they want you or expect you to do. god forbid, they find out you’ve never done it before, no matter what it is, no matter your reasons for turning down the offer. whether you have other obligations to your mental or physical health, (“no, sorry, i can’t come out tonight, i keep a pretty strict schedule for myself so i don’t have panic attacks or relapse, but thank you.” “no, i can’t come hiking, i have to rest my body so i can literally move this coming week.”) or if you simply don’t want to for seemingly no “good” reason (“no, i don’t want to go anywhere or do anything today because i’m feeling mentally overwhelmed, and if i push myself too far, i won’t be able to do the things i need to do tomorrow either, and i’ll end up wasting three days staring at the wall feeling guilty about it.”) it’ll often (not always, duh) be met with push-back and actual toxic positivity instead of support. (“one night won’t kill you! we’ll take care of you, and it’ll be fun, and a great experience!” “exercise is the best medicine! a fun experience will recharge you for the week! it’s only a thirty minute hike anyhow!” “if you come out, you’ll see there’s nothing to be so anxious about! you’ll have fun and forget all about your worries!”) or if you mention you do or avoid certain things along your journey to get you wherever you wanna be that seem weird or menial, they will just laugh it off and ask you if all of that is really necessary (“i don’t think you need to journal every day, do you? i mean, does journaling even actually work? and scheduling time for it seems like overkill, just do it when you remember to!” “what do you mean you don’t play sports? like at all? you’re missing out on sportsmanship and teamwork!”) as if it wasn’t either prescribed to you by a mental health professional or something you physically can’t do.

like… yea, dude. i know it’s a hassle. but when it wasn’t, i wanted to die or stop existing or disappear. i’m where i’m at today not just because i accepted that i had issues to work on, but because it took a lot of fucking work and sacrifice to get here. and my continued existence depends on me continuing to do that work and make those sacrifices for my own sake. it does not depend on whether or not my friends can “keep me safe” from a world i have already been existing in for a while, because i’m an adult, and it’s not their responsibility. people with disabilities aren’t children; they don’t need to be “watched” or “taken care of” if and when they are actively telling you no. i understand the sentiment, and im sure it comes from a great place, but jfc just respect the boundaries people set, not just on you and others, but the ones they set for themselves. those are often the most important ones, and once that foundation starts to crumble, it’s only a matter of time before the rest of the entire system that’s been built up for years starts breaking off and eventually collapses in on itself.

[lightadarttomendyourheart]

ok guys im back to being sane. b and i had such a good chat and of course i brought the madness upon myself like i always do. so, not dwelling, but i'm good now.

we've been talking on the phone every single day since we chatted about us and it has been pure bliss. i dont care about you texting me or snapchatting me (like, i do) but the actual phone conversations and facetimes are what i need. i know that now. so glad we figured that one out LOL.

but its like im back in the honeymoon phase again. not worrying about the future. just looking forward to our next phone call. it's so lovely.

and i booked my flights to london for xmas today!

and it's (basically) fall. my favourite time of year. i can feel the air has already changed. it's not so fucking hot.

and god i have been so fucking hot for you these past couple days since we had that nice talk. like i said, i'm right back to bliss. this is the new normal and i am so here for it. i can do this. we can do this. honestly, maybe i would move to london next year. idk. but either way, i really hope next year or beginning of 2025 we are in the same city. even if that means waiting until my lease is up in 2025. which honestly would be awful another year of seeing each other every 2-3 months. but we can do it. i fully, without doubt, believe we are in this for the long haul. i know i am.

i just can't fucking wait to see you. be in your presence. that's all i want. i want to be near you. smell you. touch you. kiss you so so so so so much. all the kisses. all the hugs. all the hand holding and PDA. idc. i want to be all over you constantly. i hope i dont get so fucked up i say i love you lol. i wanna save that for xmas. but who knows maybe you'll say it. and i do think you'd be the one to say it first. but honestly who knows, i'm growing. it took me 6 months with jake when i knew 4 months in. and i'm definitely not ready to say it yet. i need to spend more time with you. even though i like you so much, and i know i want to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you, i'm not ready for i love you. i don't feel it yet. you know when you literally cannot not say it? when you're lying in bed with that person and all you can think about is telling them how much they rule your heart. that you can't breathe without them. it almost hurts not to say it. that's when i know. and i'm not there yet.

but maybe i'll feel that way in amsterdam, who knows. i'll see you on thursday being a little hungover and probably quite tired. but i'm gonna run to you like there's no tomorrow and wrap my arms around your neck and kiss you like i haven't seen you in years. and i won't want to let go. the world will stop. and it'll just be us. me and you. nothing and no one else.

it already feels that way to be honest. in a good way. not that you're my everything and life stands still without you. but that it's US and no one else.. idk if that makes sense. but like we're constantly connected. our lives are separate but together, even 7000km away from each other. idk, it's hard to explain. but i feel like you're always here in a way, always with me.

i really hope one of these days you surprise me and just come see me without telling me. even if it's for a few days. you show up at work or my doorstep. i would fucking die. i think i would start bawling LOL. literally would fucking die. fuck that would be so insane.

[blue-eyed-bloodstains]

Is there a person you talk to everyday with?: my fiance and my mom

Does one of your parents ever complain to you about the other parent?: used to

If you have a webcam, do you take more pictures or make more videos with it?: I haven’t in a long time, but sometimes I’ll record myself...always when I was buzzing and after it all hit hard to black out drunk...needless to say they were only for my eyes...

When was the last time you felt lonely?: ummm when DON’T I?

Who was the last person you wished a “Happy Birthday” to?: my friend Bobbie on the 4th

What was the last food/drink that dyed your tongue a different color?: whenever I last had an ICEE, it’s been awhile

Is there any upcoming festivals happening in the place you live?: probably but I never go

When was the last time you threw a party?: I’ve never thrown a party

Last person you kissed, are they into any type of sports? Which ones?: my fiance loves racing, not Nascar but Formula 1 type racing

Does your best friend have a job?: yeah

Do you ever visit people at work?: no and I currently can’t anyway, he’s gone most of the time so no way to reach him

Is there any electronic device you need to charge right now?: nope just charged my phone this morning and I’m plugged in on my laptop right now I always stay plugged in on it

Have you ever sat in your room in the dark?: not complete dark no, I’m terrified of the dark so tv is usually on for some source of light or I leave a light on in another room that reaches just enough into the room

What is one thing you want to do before the school year ends?: I’m not in school

When you move out your house(or if you already have moved out) do you plan on still visiting your parents house?: I visit when I can but it’s very spaced out due to distance, transportation, etc. 

Do you usually take home leftovers if you eat out in a restaurant?: oh yeah I get full very quick and easy so I always leave with a to-go box

Have you ever ghost ride the whip (put your car on auto and dance next to it as it’s moving)? Do you want to?: hell no and never will!

What is one thing you hope never changes about you?: my sense of humor

Do most of the songs you listen to have curse words in it?: considering I’m a die hard Eminem fan as just one example? a good portion of my fave songs/artists, yeah lol 

Is there someone you wanna date? no I’m happily engaged

Why did you stop liking the last person you liked? the timing just never worked out

Are you usually the heart breaker or the heart broken? BROKEN. PERIOD.

What are you listening to? our usual randoms on Youtube through Roku

Name a quote from the thing you are listening to? “Welcome back to today’s episode of Hermitcraft!” 

What does your last text say? it was automated from CVS saying one of my meds is ready for pickup

Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? yep...been for over a year now...

Last missed call? from my mom last night

Last person you talked on the phone with? Mom

What was the first thing you did when you woke up today? smoked a cig

Do you have a best friend? a few

Do you like vitamin water? yeah it’s really good, love all the flavors

Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them? I wouldn’t say hate but definitely butted heads and argued a lot first lol still did throughout but it calmed down eventually

What do you think of people who have sex before marriage? I don’t really care, I’m not religious and I did so regardless I really can’t talk heh

Do you get along with your parents? it’s complicated...lot of history...

Are you more independent or dependent? I used to think I was independent and I mean I think I do have certain times where I am, but I’m definitely dependent to the extreme

Do you believe that what comes around goes around? for the most part yeah but it doesn’t always work out that way...

Who was the last person you were mad at? Mom

What are your plans for tonight? none, hanging home and DoorDash for dinner as always

Does anyone love you? yeah 

Do you love anybody? yeah

Ever felt like you hit rock bottom? I constantly reach and create new layers to rock bottom, I may as well have fuckin invented the damn thing...

What’s the one thing that’s getting you through the week? my fiance being home before he has to go back until May on Friday...

Do you miss anyone? all the time

Do you give out second chances too easily? yep and usually pay for it

What did you do yesterday? ran to Wawa for smokes, dozed several times throughout the day and night, smoked cigs, watched TV and Roku, DoorDash for dinner, aka the usual and all with my fiance

Where is one place you want to visit? ugggh hard to pick just one there’s so many! definitely Italy, for sure to see my heritage and roots...well a majority of it anyway

What’s your favorite thing to have for breakfast? I never eat breakfast :P

Ever felt that no one relates to you? ohhhh yeah most of the time actually

Why did you break your last promise? cause I couldn’t deal anymore...

What do you think of long-term relationships? hardest fuckin thing man...

Do you believe God always saves you from bad situations? I believe in him but honestly from my track record and experience...? not always, no. rarely if at all

What’s the worst curse word or saying that you know of? I hate the C word honestly...

Do you wish on 11:11? on rare occasions but never works 

Are you pissed off about anything? yeah I’m jonesing bad for a strong ass drink and I can’t!

[warlok7776]

I've been in a really bad spot lately. Don't know what to do. Does it really matter? I try so hard. I just can't cry. I need to but I'm empty. Who cares. Quit your whining. I am free. But thoughts of being locked up are always present. The fear of going back. im so tired. I'm so alone. I wanna get high so bad. But I know I can't. One really bad relapse in 2 and a half years isn't so bad. I miss my son. Want to hug him so fucking much. Being with him would pretty much save me. I've let him down so much. What if he ends up hating me? I hated my father, why not he He hate me too. Tomorrow will come in a noxious sunrise. I will feel old and weary. I will feel all of yesterday's pains again. Every. Single. Day. I think about killing myself. Its the first thought that pops into my head every morning. It's all too much. I feel like I'm always and forever worthless. I feel like no one could ever love me. Every single day of my life I just want to die. But.. but.. But every single time I say these words out loud. I say them even though I hate myself and want to die. Even though I want to get high so bad I dream about Meth almost every night. Even though my ex won't even let me talk to my son on the phone. Even though I've been sober for over 2 and a half years and I want drugs so badly. Even though I'm doing the right thing, working, staying out of trouble, and every little fucking nightmare parole makes do with absolutely no fucking sense of accomplishment. Even though every single day I just don't want to wake up it's as simple as that. I say to myself. For myself. By myself as always. With no hope for tomorrow. Not today Joshua. Not today. Not today motherfucker. Quit your whining. Get your shit together. And somehow, it fuckin works. I'm still here.