#like i really understand that they maybe didnt know what to do esp because i was unable to communicate it

[darcyolsson]

slowly feeling like i am becoming a person again instead of whatever i was in the past few months even though i genuinely for a minute there didnt believe this was ever possible so its really weird to be on the other side of it. and also weird that i now just have these people in my life who i know disappeared on me when i needed their support the most and now i have to figure out what to do with that

[todayisafridaynight]

I wanted to write in about my thoughts on Jo as a CSA survivor separately for a couple of reasons:

I already more or less have what I have to say on the topic in order thanks to talks with @starssystem and another friend [<3]

This is a massive tonal shift from anything else I could be discussing

This Is Massive In General For The Love Of God PLEASE Help Me

Obvious CSA CW for anyone else reading; I only discuss statistics, psychology, and the aftereffects seen in survivors here, but it's worth a warning.

With the disclaimers out of the way… I'd mentioned before I've only ever added one thing to Jo's background, and you were right: this is it! To me, there's so much thematic overlap in Jo's narrative with the experience of surviving CSA it's worth it to examine his character through the lens of that being the case. Of course, there are clearly-stated reasons for it all that Aren't That, but…

It's the pervasive guilt and shame, the lifelong secret that becomes too unbearable not to tell, the faulty coping mechanisms aimed at burying the trauma without having to face it, the reluctance to be sincere [vulnerable] and the lies and half-truths used to maintain the facade of invulnerability, the pursuit of power and control and the knee-jerk anger response when it's threatened, the pursuit of mastery over his body and the indifference to what happens to it. And the way a lot of it really does stem from a deeply traumatic childhood sexual experience from before either he or Ikumi understood what they were getting into, from before they could give informed consent.

Statistically, the further below the average age someone is for their first time, the likelihood of [at best] having been introduced to sex inappropriately and [at worst] having been abused at the time or earlier rises exponentially. Jo was 15 when Masato was conceived--possibly 14, since he was saying he "met" Arakawa at 15, and by then Masato was already born. To put this into perspective, since what ages register as concerning is largely cultural, the average age in the US and UK is 16-18. But in Japan, it's over 19.

To a Westerner [or even a heavily Westernized non-Westerner], having a kid at 15 is unfortunate, but not untenable; you've seen it on TV, you might know people like that, you might even be that kid or that parent. But in Jo's case, with him being 4 or 5 years younger than average, it's like if someone told you they had their first time--had a /kid/--at 13 or under. That's the equivalent discrepancy. That /is/ concerning, to me.

It's also something that's linked to negative outcomes in adulthood, partly because of the likelihood of forming bonds with poorly-adjusted peers. Jo specifically states he and Ikumi were only together because others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had back then. [As an aside, it's interesting to see him instinctively seek out a relationship where his pain would be understood without having to say anything--or one where he could assume it would, at any rate.]

When it comes to his relationship with Ikumi, I've always felt there was this "adult dynamic" between them--in the sense it feels like one that'd be more fitting for adults to get into than a couple of teens. It was, based on his wording, a primarily physical relationship neither of them expected to last even if they were living together. To me, it's one thing if you're fully convinced you're in love or you're experimenting or whatever and that results in an unplanned pregnancy, but it's another thing entirely to have such a bleak yet objective outlook on your relationship so young.

And it didn't have to be that way. He could've been just like Arakawa, head-over-heels in love with this girl who was The Only Good Thing He Had Going, or something like that. But the sheer contrast between how Arakawa was crazy about Akane and never forgot about her for the rest of his life, while Jo more-or-less-clearly didn't have feelings for Ikumi and can't bring himself to remember her name after living with her for at least a year and experiencing life-changing events with her…

It's notable to me that Arakawa maintains an interest in women while nearly every in-character interpretation I've seen makes Jo averse to women. Obviously, we don't really know that; it's probably just based on his general attitudes, his contrast with Arakawa, and maybe his immunity to Charm. But I think there's a reason a lot of people pick up on it and tie it to trauma rather than/in addition to a lack of interest in women.

I've talked about this through the lens of comphet already [and Jo being gay or ace or both would present other difficulties], but I can't overstate how notable it is on its own. We see Jo's response to traumatic events, and it's to become preoccupied with them, to investigate further if he has any leads. That's why he remembers every minute detail of the night Masato was born and the time he saw Arakawa attempt to comfort Masato when he was crying and hitting himself. I think it's also why he gets as far as he does when looking into Arakawa's death, and why he entrusts the search to Ichi. He never seems to manage to block them out, even if that's what he'd rather do--even if that's what he thinks he's doing.

So if he "[doesn't] even remember" the name of the mother of his child, I get the feeling there's something more going on. Like I've [probably] said in the past, Jo genuinely sounds traumatized by the relationship as a whole. More than anything else he's been through, and he's been through a lot. It's often the case that CSA survivors who are also survivors of other trauma view it as worse than anything else that happened to them.

And that's not to implicate Ikumi at all, I don't think it's a case of COCSA--everything I've said holds just as true for her, and she had to suffer the additional trauma of an unwanted pregnancy and childbirth, at that. Rather, I think it would make sense for something like CSA, which often incontrovertibly reconfigures one's relationship with sex and love, to be a factor in why they rushed into a something physical before they were mature enough to handle it.

Some victims end up having perfectly healthy experiences, some victims end up avoiding them, some victims end up re-victimized, and some victims end up with a mixed bag--there's a lot of variation. But some victims do end up having relationships like this and making mistakes like this, because that's all they know, or because they want to heal but don't [or don't know how to] go about it in a healthy way, at a healthy pace. And I definitely think if you recognize that's what the basis of your relationship was, that it all comes back to something you'd rather forget, it'd make sense to want to forget the relationship as a whole.

To that end, it's possible to come away from a relationship traumatized even if no one did anything wrong. I've [probably] talked about how the way Jo comforts her at the station feels like he's doing it for her sake and pushing his own feelings down, but neither of them is really buying it. If that's a pattern in their relationship, perhaps he wouldn't have been able to communicate if maybe what they were doing was dredging up bad memories, if he wanted to stop but didn't think she did. So to go through with it, then get the news months later…

Either way, the fact Ikumi couldn't bring herself to tell him she was pregnant until nothing could be done would, for Jo, invariably cement the feeling he has no control over what happens around him. I think the sense of powerlessness he felt is why he blew up at her when she told him, because it's really the only time we see him lash out like that at her. At the park, he objects to going back for Masato, sure, but he's passive. And I think that unbroken pattern of powerlessness in his life [which CSA would only compound on] is why he's so reactionary, why he's so emotionally dysregulated, why he expresses his rage through what basically amounts to power-tripping.

But I do think Jo does have a great deal of awareness. A lot of his wording when he's telling Ichi about it borders on poetic, or at the very least candid and effective. That requires both prior reflection and a command of language. I think there's a lot he understands deep down, at least after sitting with it for long enough, but he isn't capable of voicing--or doesn't know how to voice--what's on his mind, most of the time.

So when he joins the Arakawa Family, when he rises the ranks and has that control back, his control has to be near-absolute. If it's undermined in any way--such as, for example, a certain someone failing to answer a call within two rings--he loses it. On the other side of the coin, I do feel a lot of why his devotion and gratitude towards Arakawa goes to the extent it does, why he's so comfortable with him, is because Arakawa gave him the safety of the Arakawa Family, gave him back his autonomy, gave him the environment--and treated him with enough humanity to give him the reason--to learn to regulate himself, to better himself.

And Arakawa /gets/ trauma. He really does. Aside from his own abusive background, literally the only time the word trauma comes out of any character's mouth in this series, it's Arakawa's. It comes back to Jo saying others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had; that never changed, did it?

Lastly, For Funsies [<- LIE. COMPLETE LIE. TURN BACK NOW] I wanted to go through the items on this [CSA] Survivors' Aftereffects Checklist I could check off with near-certainty. 19/34, by the way, give or take. Now, as I said at the beginning, there are existing concrete reasons for why he has many of these experiences… but it's like the trans allegory with Masato, To Me… If I can check off over half the list based on a very limited backstory and an hour of screen time total, that's indicative of a notable overlap… TO ME…

Note that the book this list is from was published in 1990 and focuses on women's experiences. It was a huge step forward in giving survivors a voice back when a lot of existing research indicated CSA had neutral or even positive effects on children, but it's definitely a product of its time. With that out of the way…

Wearing a lot of clothing, even in summer […]

To be fair, most male characters in RGG are fully-covered and have near-unchanging designs, and it's winter in both 2000/2001 and presumably 2019, but… when it comes to Jo, it feels a little different.

He does have Some Heavage in his twenties [although the necklace takes the attention off of his actual chest], but as time goes on, he shows less and less skin and adds more and more layers. When he has the gloves on, it leaves no skin exposed at all, and there's this direct symbolic correlation with secrecy that isn't there for other characters. And if you're wearing three layers of leather [or even one], you can neither feel what you're touching nor feel anything touch you.

Pure Speculation, but I just can't really see him underdressed for any occasion… That's why his fit in Day with the Sun is funny as hell but also… yeah…

As a behavior, if it's rooted in anything, it's probably rooted in having to hide signs of physical abuse, of course--but then he kind of already had an excuse, with how he was constantly getting into fights. I guess it depends on the specifics, but I think it's interesting to consider this as one way CSA victims attempt to regain control of their bodies, avoiding emotional discomfort at the cost of physical discomfort.

Self-destructiveness

It's nothing super overt, but I see this most clearly represented in his second boss fight in particular; his willingness to wield a blade bare-handed while using enough force he could very well render his hand useless. I think it's potentially also evident in how he has severe cataracts he chooses to ignore and allow to worsen, despite having the reasons and resources to undergo surgery to restore his vision. In doing so, he literally and figuratively blinds himself to so much.

I also kind of think the assassination of Hoshino/the anonymous call and The Eye Scene are examples of self-sabotage. I mean, he literally was sabotaging himself in the former, but it's also the specific way he feels the need to be physically taken down in order to be stopped--possibly a holdover from RGGJo, who's only too happy to be beaten into a coma.

I don't know… It's hard to pinpoint, but I feel like he would be averse to most of the more "obvious" self-destructive behaviors--especially when he has people in his life who might notice and worry, like Ikumi and Arakawa. That and because many of them are addictive. He's seen what that's done to his father, and he's also developed this incredibly rigid sense of discipline he can't maintain if he doesn't have a clear head.

From how he talks about himself [as having lost his humanity and lived a half-assed life], I definitely think he's at the very least unkind to himself, but I also think he does externalize it by provoking others to harm him [in the case of physical fights] and reject him. Like he needs some kind of proxy perpetrator. For some abuse victims, this specific manifestation of self-destructive behavior is a way to regain control--whether or not you "deserved it" back then, you do now, as a direct, logical result of your actions.

Need to be invisible, perfect, or perfectly bad

I think each of these needs manifests in different ways for Jo. The need to be invisible can be seen with authority figures (mainly Aoki, but also Arakawa in The Yubitsume Scene, a little; how drastically he pulls back and tries to act "normal")--this relates to what you were talking about with being reluctant to intrude or take up space. If you fall under the radar, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfect can be seen in his seemingly "impossible" standards, I would say. Of course, because we see things from Ichiban's perspective, we tend to see them as unfair and often arbitrary demands. But they aren't arbitrary to Jo, are they? They're standards he holds himself to through and through. If you're good, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfectly bad can be seen in and relates to much of what I discussed under self-destructiveness [The Eye Scene and the way he antagonizes Ichiban specifically by making himself out to be worse than he is]. If you must get hurt, it can at least "make sense"--be "deserved."

Suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsession (including "passive suicide")

Obviously he's not like… Mine Levels Of Overtly And Consistently Suicidal, and he doesn't attempt suicide himself, but at the same time, I have to note his total ambivalence towards Aoki seeing him as a "bullet" (a kind of hitman sent on suicide missions). He agreed to what he himself viewed as a suicide mission and he didn't care what would happen to him afterward, as he says to Joon-gi, Zhao, and Adachi.

Aside from that, I certainly feel he's at least had passive thoughts like wanting to disappear or wishing he'd never been born. Y'know. Nothing concrete, but reflective of his mental state, and just as detrimental to dwell on long-term.

I think there's a sort of childishness [for lack of a better word] to thoughts like these [in that they're impossible], but also a level of maturity in that it probably doesn't escalate to something more actionable because he understands he has responsibilities he can't abandon. I think if he was ever seriously suicidal, it would be at the points of his life where he really didn't have any responsibility to anyone, like between Ikumi leaving and him joining the family, or after he was arrested.

Depression (sometimes paralyzing) […]

I'm trying not to over explain going forward because I Have BEEN Overexplaining It Is SUCH A Disaster… he's depressed If You Have Eyes And/Or Ears… I'll leave it at that…

Anger issues; inability to recognize, own, or express anger; constant anger […]

Lol

Rigid control of one's thought process; humorlessness or extreme solemnity

Relates back to what I was saying about how disciplined he is [and expects everyone else to be], but in general, he's incredibly, incredibly serious and focused. I don't think he's /entirely/ humorless [but then again, very few people are]; I just think his specific sense of humor is. Like. What Is Your Problem [I Know What Your Problem Is I Have Been Discussing It In EXCRUCIATING Detail But What The Fuck Is Your Problem]

Trust issues; inability to trust (trust is not safe); total trust; trusting indiscriminately

That's why he was planning on taking his secret to the grave, isn't it? It was only when faced with the realization it would soon be too late to say anything that he was able to tell Ichiban. He could've trusted Arakawa, should've been able to, but… in his mind he never could.

This book [and this checklist] is about "incest" actually, but it redefines "incest" to mean any instance of CSA perpetrated by any individual the victim trusts or has an expectation of being able to implicitly trust. Which… is most CSA as we understand it today, so I've edited some parts to just say that.

Anyway, I've never given much thought to the specifics of what Jo might've experienced--who did it, what happened, how long it went on, etc.--so there's no conclusion I can draw here [and elsewhere, I'm sure]… but even without that, to grow up unable to trust the one person who should be in his corner, his father, and to have his trust betrayed by Ikumi, it's no surprise Jo ended up like this either way. So… I'm happy he had the courage to tell Ichi, in the end.

High risk taking ("daring the fates"); inability to take risks

I think these are supposed to be mutually exclusive, but to me, Hoshino's assassination and Arakawa's assassination represent both sides of the coin, although they're not the only examples. There are risks Jo won't think twice about taking and risks that paralyze him.

Boundary issues; control, power, territoriality issues; fear of losing control; obsessive/compulsive behaviors (attempts to control things that don't matter, just to control something)

Lol…

Guilt, shame; low self-esteem, feeling worthless; high appreciation of small favors by others

Lmao Even…

Feeling demand to "produce and be loved"; instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; relationships mean big tradeoffs (love was taken, not given)

I actually think this encapsulates a lot of what I've been saying about his work ethic, his ideas of discipline, and his relationship with Ikumi, but I also think it's why Masato took a liking to him. His attentiveness. It ties back into wanting to be perfect; when you're abused--especially long-term--you become attuned to observing and responding to any shifts in mood or tone. This is another area where I can't draw any conclusions relevant to my point, but it does certainly relate to his father's abuse, at any rate.

Abandonment issues

Kind of contentious… The anticipation of being abandoned by or losing someone he cares about appears to be worse than the actual experience. He's fine with Ikumi leaving him, and he's… not Fine With, but able to come to terms with Arakawa's death and Aoki's abandonment of him. At the same time, he really does try to make Ikumi's stay in his life comfortable, and he spends almost forty years doing his damnedest to keep his family together, whatever the cost. If I were to extrapolate from RGGJo, though, /he/ does have an obsessive, unhealthy attachment to Arakawa.

Blocking out some period of early years (especially 1–12); or a specific person or place

Ikumiiiiii that's what I'm SAYINGGGG

Feeling of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell, fear of its being revealed; certainty no one will listen; being generally secretive […]

Rofl Perhaps…

Denial; […] repression of memories; pretending; minimizing ("it wasn't that bad") […]

He admits to it himself. Not much else to say. Though I don't think he necessarily minimizes what he's been through by dismissing how bad it was; rather, he tends to overestimate his ability to move past it.

Pattern of ambivalent or intensely conflictive relationships (intimacy is a problem; also focus shifted from [CSA] issues)

Also kind of contentious… we don't see a pattern of romantic relationships, as I assume the author meant here, but at the same time, the romantic relationship and non-romantic relationships we do see fit this pattern. I guess I'd say I definitely think intimacy /would/ be a problem, and he /wouldn't/ be ready to address his issues.

Limited tolerance for happiness; active withdrawal from happiness, reluctance to trust happiness ("ice=thin")

The quote that prompted this ask in the first place. It's sort of connected to the point about humorlessness and extreme solemnity; if that was the "what," this is the "why." He doesn't know how to relax ["holidays don't exist" and all], he doesn't have much to be happy about, but even rarer is the occasion where he doesn't feel too conflicted in the moment to be able to enjoy himself. That's just how I see him.

[…] verbal hypervigilance (careful monitoring of one's words); quiet-voiced, especially when needing to be heard

EXACTLY what I was talking about in this ask, so I'm leaving that one up to past me…

......

... That's It That's The Essay I'm going to hibernate until Infinite Wealth comes out and somehow refutes my points but UNTIL THEN. Farewell, take care, and once more, don't worry too much about matching my energy… Like I Said if I were the one receiving this ask I'd just delete my blog, so… I'll just be happy to know you read it :] If That lmao

ok i read it :) 👁️👁️ READMYTAGSTHERESMORETHEREIPROMISE

[thetangibleghost]

I gotta confess it is so much more fun talking to Sal as if he is a separate person like he wants and not a member of the system. He's super creative like. Its just fun.

[capymosey]

on meljayvik & that bomb tinkering scene

i made a lil comment on this but i wanted to expand on it here since there’s no hard character limit

so, yeah, there’s a lot of what i would consider bs discourse on mel ignoring viktor etc and jayce and manipulation etc whatever blahblahblah i hate that shite because it really isn’t satisfying since it feels like people making claims on very little objective data

mel knows jayce couldnt take the bomb apart and she brings up this hot topic when viktor is in the middle of doing delicate, dangerous work. sure, he stops during it but she isn’t worried at all. she trusts him, jayce trusts him - they know he’s competent and brilliant and works well under pressure (“the resonance will stabilize it. trust me.”) so they are all ok to have this difficult convo during a very dangerous task

i did see some people stating viktor was also considering letting jayce and him die, whick is uhhhh something all right. viktor isn’t a fighter. he’s a scientist. he’s gentle, kind, quirky, but also a risk-taker. he isn’t someone who would hurt others, though. so as fun as that train of thought could be, i don’t buy it since it isn’t in line with who viktor is. i cant believe the same people who advocate for “there is always a choice”!viktor, and other such things about his character would even consider this line of thinking but whatever. it’s fandom 🤷‍♂️

i do think there is some great misunderstanding to characters because of ships and limited screen time to anyone who isn’t violet or jinx but i see the trio as a group who understand each other and work well together. yes, mel didnt realize how close jayce and viktor were before viktor got hospitalized, but she knows his mind and contributions. mel isnt an idiot. she knows shite. she researches and strategizes and she also knows viktor and jayce. just look back at any convo you might have with friends or family in groups of more than 2 people and this is like one glimpse into how the trio might talk to each other at any given time over any topic. not everyone always agrees with each other and sometimes you can tell when you can influence, for example, your dad over your mom regarding getting a pony. viktor’s name isnt on hextech public records so mel knows viktor has given up having a majority say on it (maybe because viktor is all about being behind the scenes, esp as his health continues to spiral, and jayce could also be at fault for not treating viktor like the partner he claims viktor is). sure, there’s some societal issues going on, too, but at this point - whether mel is still influenced by this piltover attitude or not - she cares about jayce enough at this point to value what he values, and one of those big things is viktor (which she undoubtedly knows coz he keeps going to her about him 😅). and when viktor strongly objects she looks at him like someone who wishes she didn’t have to suggest what she’s suggesting since her feelings about her mom/upbringing could be a factor she’s considering.

another big holy shit moment in this scene is mel bringing up heimer and showing he doesn’t always have the sway with jayce that she now does. heimer may have been neglectful of zaun, but now mel seems against zaun, too, and jayce is appearing to be agree with it (and he does, until the prep for the finale battle in s2)

like this scene is also more of a tie with the a bridge scene in showing jayce and viktor not sticking together. viktor is seeing jayce consider him less and less and seeing people from zaun as subhuman. jayce “understanding” grows less and less in his mind and viktor becomes more isolated. how can he trust jayce when jayce may not trust him (“they’re dangerous!” and “i need to think [about this on my own, without further convo with you, viktor, who i claim is my partner]” “defend your people”) and who can he depend on to help zaun if he’s dead and jayce is using hextech to take lives? he’s gotta take the risks. but sky’s death and the hexcore sentiently taking away the use of his leg show him the error of the path he starts and he just accepts death (not that he wants to die) as something that will happen irregardless of what happens after he’s gone. (too bad he just dies and we never see viktor in s2 until his theme comes up at the end when jayce gives him the cosmic hug)

also mel gives viktor another look before telling jayce the choice is his. i think she wishes he was on board coz then they might have come up with another solution but the show is written in a way where hextech is always the answer (i.e., weapons, etc) and not like…personal and political manouvering 😅

plus the trio smile at each other when an alternate option is approved by the council before jinx blows it all up. there’s some kind of dynamic going on here

anyway

my brain doesnt work this hard this long

i think fortiche should unleash their meljayvik vault of fics and help fandom out since they often partake and enjoy fanworks to help meljayvik out 🤣

p.s. can we instead focus on how hardcore viktor is in the end? not even a sigh of relief or anything showing stress. man is a well-oiled machine when it comes to how confident he in his choices. he already figured out the bomb and made a choice after getting distracted/frustrated with jayce

[peachyvillian]

thoughts on transfem francis ? she is literally so near and dear to my heart

so true!!!

i love transfem francis so much and is actually one of my fav hcs too like UGH. i just find it so silly that francis’s first thought when going into kelsey’s house is “mm….. They wont know its me if i dress like a GIRL!!! 😛” LIKE YES. I UNDERSTAND .

i also really like the idea of aside from francis seeing carly as a crush there’s also this partial part of her that really just admires carly’s femininity and the way she expresses it?? i feel like francis wouldn’t see it that way at first either (just as she was totally normal about frankenstein and reading it with his teacher) and just assume its average crush things!! like wow her hair is so pretty and how long her eyelashes are and oh man that dress seems so nice …. i Wonder how itd look on me

and like i feel it might make her really just. confused?? because she wants to see herself as this strong ‘man’ who can defeat shane and make ladies swoon, but also theres this calling to the little things like a nice red lipstick, or her hair growing a little bit longer than she usually lets it, or the slight envy when she sees a pretty girl. and it really makes her nervous. like she has to choose and it might take a while for her to realize she doesn’t really. have to do that!

because she tags along with kelsey and trudy during when they were a trio and there are these moments that shine a light on so many different parts of these women that she looks up to! like trudy trying to find her standing in a home so harshly dominated by tucker (FUCK HIM) and kelsey’s strength especially when she’d been boxing. and it sort of clicks something in her brain. because she also doesn’t have to be boxed in this category just as every other woman ever doesn’t have to stay in a box society has created for her.

bc like part of her didn’t want another thing someone would actively bully her for or tease her about and so there were justifications and denial of a lot of what she was feeling and especially with just. the rigid views of gender and homosexuality back then, it really rubbed off on her. but sort of seeing and admiring the different ways that kelsey and trudy express themselves and not having to just be how people want to view them really just strikes a chord with her bc she can be strong (and shoot shane in the leg) and also enjoy wearing heels! thats fine!

MAYBE THAT DIDNT MAKE SENSE BUT LIKE. i dont know i think that francis’s slow understanding on her identity would really fix me. i think if will campos let anthony burch put francis in one of kelsey’s dresses it would fix around 50% of her problems maybe. idk i think francis has a very complicated relationship with her identity esp in that era but hey. she has a robot mother and a eldritch possessed schoolmarm. and bb too i guess/t i think she’ll have their support

[midnight--sadness]

(yr anon!)

the stuff u said about inho elevating gihun to a god was sooo good ugh u best believe gihun’s making him a devoted follower

THE ARES APHRODITE COMPARISON TOO UGGAG UR BRAIN!! and yet again the parallel to sangwoo!!! now you got me hoping we get some hands reaching for each other/hand holding in season 3 im rooting for their happy ending im sure this will age well

OH i saw ur ethel cain rec!! ur so right it fits them so well!! esp the little bit in ur screenshot? god these two are gonna kill me, the way i want them to hold each other like the other would break if they squeezed too hard and the way i also want them eat each other alive

mm todays music recs!

for inhun

• ‘you send me�� sam cooke

• ‘unforgettable’ nat king cole

• ‘ill be seeing you’ billie holiday

i think inho is fond of romantic oldies like this + he wants that fly me to the moon moment sooo bad

for inho

• ‘tipsy’ chloe x halle

(hes so normal)

(rip the homie jungbae)

for sangwoo

• ‘mood’ by sir ft zacari

do anything for the cash + the gunshots + give me space let me breathe (him pushing gihun away during their games) need an edit of him to this so bad

for sangihun

• ‘chove chuva’ jorge ben jor

• ‘funny honey’ (chicago)

ok walk with me i hope u see the vision, ignoring the context, this is sooo post season 1 confession sangihun ghost au to me

after sangwoo’s death, all the anger between them dissipates (the way it’d never would if sangwoo was alive) and results in sangwoo being sooo nice to gihun (who unfortunately cannot hear him and is hoping sangwoo is somewhere nicer than here) like he’s soo tender and sweet.

constantly attempts to leave little kisses on gihuns hands, face, etc (took him a while to get to this point but hes so desperate to touch and comfort gihun, his prides out the window, he knows hes pathetic) hes constantly chatting to gihun (who again CANNOT hear him and is spending everyday quietly stewing and plotting) hes out here asking gihun what he wants to eat and tsking about the house being dirty etc

partly because being a ghost prob makes someone sentimental and eager to talk to people they’d be distant with in life,

partially because i think, at the beginning, maybe theres a moment where gihuns grieving and in denial and so he pretends sangwoo is with him like they survived together and sangwoos concerned, especially when its MONTHS of this and gihuns not really living or taking care of himself but part of him so happy to have his hyung’s attention… theyre both pretending the games didnt absolutely shred them apart

one day, gihun has a moment where he drags finally himself out of this denial stage, says his goodbye to sangwoo and gets ready to leave to america etc

sangwoos relieved mostly, heartbroken partially but overall understanding of course, and happy for his hyung. hes thinking about leaving too cuz as long as gihuns happy the worlds ok, this new chapter of life will be kinder to him than the last one

and then. gihun doesnt get on the plane, he spirals trying to find a way to stop the games etc and of course sangwoo is pleading to nobody about how this is very stupid and how gihuns gonna get himself killed, who does he think he is going up against a giant criminal death game organization like NO ONE WOULD DO THAT?

no one would do that… and suddenly his chest is full of honey and pride and hes fawning over gihun so bad, like dont get him wrong hes still worried and afraid but also hes feeling proud and loved cuz for the first time in months gihuns speaking to him, about him, gihuns offering him justice and promises to deliver no matter what. (i will destroy what took you from me, at the cost of my sanity and wellness i will avenge you)

and sangwoo… it makes him sick thinking about it but also so so proud of his strong, brave hyung, hes allowing himself to be impressed with gihuns audacity (for once) (if he was alive this would be a different story, hes not entertaining this shit, but as a ghost he’s not thinking clearly and cant help preening about how special and nice his hyung is, its like they’re kids again and hes just happy to be apart of the team, side by side with someone dear to him)

maybe sangwoo lets himself be very indulgent and unembarrassed cuz he’s mentally broken up about EVERYTHING (and also hes really the only one around who cares if hes being embarrassing hes dead anyway)

to me the lyrics are a perfect mix of sweet gooeyness and teasing on sangwoo’s part, hes watching gihun prep n fuss, and gihuns sooo not qualified for this but hes TRYING, logically he knows this is gonna be a mess but also hes getting wrapped up in gihun’s delusions too

torn between imagining Amos’s part as either gihun’s reaction to the youngil/inho reveal (with the roxie parts being replaced by inho, sangwoo’s ghost is very offended this) orrrr inho crashing out cuz gihun’s got sangwoo in his head still idkkk im thinkinnn it doesnt fit too perfectly either way im not stressin im here for sangwoo serenading his hubby

(in a perfect world sangwoo is gooey about gihun the way gihun is gooey about him, crazy it takes him dying for it)

for the trio ™️

• ‘el único’ by ca7riel & paco amoroso (specifically the tiny desk version cuz the way they sing “WE’VE BEEN FUCKING THE SAME GIRLLL” scratches an itch in my brain) makes me picture a no games au sangwoo and inho are coworkers and realize they both have a friends with benefits situation w/ gihun (they werent even aware the other knew gihun!)

(then they crash out together cuz they figure that means hes got a whole roster of men hes hiding from them and now they’re teaming up to cockblock everyone else whos a little too close for comfort, vague on if theyre right or not, this has been said before im still waiting for someone to write it 🫶 im greedy tho i also want them to not only defeat gihuns 7 evil sidehoes but also have to win the affection of the horde of kids who claim him as their father figure, and the gaggle of women who claim theyre his best friends ever, these guys gotta WORK for it im talking 100,00 words of them being humiliated at several work events and parties, dragged through different shopping centers, parks etc, squeezed financially, mugged, i mean this shit goes on and on before theyre deemed Good ‘Nough by jungbae after gihun mentions how happy they make him and suddenly everyone is cool about too lol

by the time its all over theyre not even trying to fight each other anymore, they just work out a timeshare schedule and trade the hubby back and forth.)

thats it for now! bonus rec cuz i know u like daeho/gihun i think it’d make u laugh to picture them while listening to ‘damn thats my mama!’ by joshua crawford ^_^

have a nice one, thanks again for lettin me yap i appreciate it!

ahh i'm glad you liked my recs and my insane rambles abt these idiot men 😩🥹🙏

inho definitely loves the oldies!! in fact, vera lynn's "we'll meet again" was playing in his head when he had that convo with gihun in the limo!

OH MY GOD THAT SANGIHUN GHOST SANGWOO AU IS SOO GOOOD!! 😭😩

sangwoo only being his true self when he is dead because he no one has any expectations of him, he can be who he wants to be - a patethic, yearning fool for his hyung 💖

AND OH MY GOD THE INHUN/SANGIHUN AU WHERE THEY SHARE GIHUN 💖💖💖💖💖 10/10, i need them to grovel on the floor and prove that they love gihun and are worthy of being with him 😭😭😭 need saebyeok to pickpocket them 950327 times and steal their money

thank u for the daehun gift 😩🙏 they are my sweet rarepair

you are very welcome!! everyone can yap as much as they want here!!! 🫶😌

[stackslip]

augh yeah as much as i do love the parts of COS that are very obviously trying to do something competent and genuine, the amestris parts are just so ????

ill be honest, im pretty sure i blocked those scenes out, so remembering that what happened on the amestris side is. yikes

definitely wish the movie was more focused and didnt try to add as much as it did. especially roy -- i dont mind the beginning, hell i think him exiling himself to the north is a good concept, but the fact that he takes back his position (iirc) is just. so are we throwing away the character development and him realizing that he CANT change the military from the inside or what.

in general i honestly wanted to see less of the military cast. they frankly dont have much reason to be there other than the fact people wanted to see them (esp armstrong... just. WHY). im sure there are still ways to work in roy if the creators really wanted him to be there but like. idk! they sure didnt have to do it like that! we couldve spent more time on exploring noah as a character. or let izumi die on screen. sigh

been a while since i rewatched COS but thanks for pointing out all the weird stuff, i'd almost forgotten it and i honestly shouldn't.

(and of course i have to say i love your posts on the series proper. i will never be normal about scar. ever)

the second i saw roy in there i was like why is roy still in the military at all. wasn't his whole arc about realizing that he can't do shit within the military because it is an institution built on atrocities and exploitation? why is he still in it then. why is he talking about serving his country. why's he talking about waiting for ED that makes no fucking SENSE. (why is he alive. someone said they thought roy was supposed to die by the end of 03 but they kept him alive bc he's a fan fave and i wholly believe this frankly). why is the country's military still seemingly intact with a whole surveillance network, when 03 ended on the military being severely crippled and amestris's neighbours getting ready to invade it and bring it to its knees? why are we literally seeing *the fucking weimar republic* in cos only for amestris to not parallel it in any way and instead be the brotherhood-type funland where once you've taken out the mean führer, everything is fine and there's nothing to fix?

and like. this is a short movie right! i know that they were denied a season, maybe even a season and a half to finish off the show and that some elements of cos were meant to be in the og show's ending. and it shows! bc again munich is fucking reasonably competent considering how much is crammed in on hour thirty. and i know that cos's production was also rushed as hell and that as an Anime Movie they were contractually obligated to 1) put as many recurring fan faves in as possible 2) have at least a third of the movie be a big action scene. so like. i can understand the limits. you have no time, you're told you have to put all this shit in, you want to finish off the brothers' story at the very least. but my gd! you're telling me you had an izumi death scene and it doesn't happen??? you could cut roy out ENTIRELY from this. you could not put ARMSTRONG IN LIORE. you could..... i know they had no time at all, i know once again it was 03 being shafted by production committees and time and budget but it's legit insane how the very stupid and seemingly innocuous choice of having armstrong "rebuild" liore comedically completely slapped me out of whatever headspace cos had managed to slip me in before. i was enjoying it a lot until we got to amestris. and this armstrong thing, followed by rose's line here:

it's just. it's almost comedic. i'm almost wondering if the writer is fucking with me here and acknowledging just how stupid it is to put armstrong doing alchemy in liore is. probably not but gd this is bad. this is brotherhood levels of obliviousness to the themes.

anyhow i'm not finishing cos tonight bc i'm too pissed about it lol. it's funny bc for years i was told it was bad but for the opposite reasons that it's actually bad. like folks kept saying the munich parts were bad/stupid/wrong and made no sense when to me they're by far the most thematically coherent and interesting/emotional bits of it. i LOVE the relationship between noah and ed. and like, i know the bar is is in hell when it comes to depicting roma on screen, but i can't help but appreciate the little and big ways both noah and her people get humanized, how they feel like the most real and concrete part of this world ed insists is a dream or hell. but really, genuinely noah is so good, alfons's weird crush on ed is hysterical, the general atmosphere and research around 1923 munich seems genuinely thoughtful (and it also tells me that the writers had been thinking about this long, long before even 03 ended). i genuinely believe that making munich! hugues a nazi sympathizer and a racist is a really inspired and brave choice that makes the audience reflects THEIR hugues and how the amestrian military behaved. so anyhow these parts are good, genuinely. it's sad that that's the first third and then you get thrown into this mess, and there's still a whole stupid nazi battle to come. it's stupid. it's stupid especially bc there's a genuine part of the movie that IS smart and thoughtful. it'd be so much easier if all of it were bad, or if the difference between the writing in each part weren't so obvious. anyhow. i wanna finish cos bc i wanna see wrath's arc end and envy eating hoheinheim and ed/al reunion and more of noah. but also i think i'm gonna be writing off large chunks of it lol.

(also thank you very much, i'm trying to preach 03 to whoever i can whenever i can. appreciate the love)

[himbopunk]

i am rotating lucky and david in my mind.

i think their relationship starts from a place of like, youre the only person in this group with anything resembling understanding, but they still have such a specific idea of the other despite this. ig on both sides partially due to the fact that david wouldve intentionally kept quiet on the whole. everything w his history w xavier, xmen, new mutants, etc. so lucky would only ever know so much until he gets to krakoa and even once he does he respects why david kept it to himself even if david is kinda frustrated with himself for wrapping lucky up in it like. idk. i think like lucky sees david as a really kind person first and foremost, which idk if david like. agrees with but i think the same could be said vice versa. lucky feels indebted somewhat to david for helping him but at the same time david Knows that even with all the context of who he is, that lucky would have let him crash or lie to the fucking xmen or w/e to protect him without a second thought so its like. idk man. ride or die.

i also wanna think about maybe luckys alters' relationship w david too. xanthe seems pretty comfortable w him but xanthe is usually kinda just gonna do her own thing

i think caine didnt have much of an opinion Until the xavier reveal, after which it was very wary and concerned on what was being kept from them. idk that it Dislikes david n co but its more like. inability to let their guard down.

lio's pretty noided lot of the time...hm.. i think krakoa in general's kinda got them worked up and on edge. but david was around Before so he's a somewhat comforting constant but even that's been changed by circumstance soooooooo. idk. lio's antsy

?? and kit i still have to consider how theyd even meet.

ALSO on a tangent i am considering lucky having a mentor moment with magneto on account of the nature of luckys systems powers being electromagnetic in origin, plus i feel like. magneto would express frustration? disappointment? regret? about lucky slipping through the cracks when it came to the various mutant movements or w/e over the years more than xavier would. at the very least because of luckys association with david and xavier being a bit wary due to that and his inability to treat him normally (which could potentially get extended to lucky esp considering the ways in which they r similar)

i'm rly wanting. another xguy tohave a poignant interaction w them too but im not sure who besides the Big Two, and obv david and kurt. thinks

idk whatever

Edit not technically /xguy/ but could potentially be around is mb pietro. i think it would be interesting for him to run into lio. aghhhhh i still gotta draw their internal forms + visual signifiers/personal styles

[sleepingmire]

Omg Hiiii! Thank you for answering!!!!!

(I'm sliding back in your dms for some best girl Jules content)

do you have some writing or some art for her planned? ( i swear i saw a fic about her and tyr on ao3)

Also what are her relationship with characters like Freya, Sindri, Thor etc?

YOOOOO!! best anon in the world hello omg !! dude feel free to slide in anytime – these asks give me life ngl

HNGNG there was a fic that I wrote and I did keep posted for a while. It was called ‘No Light No Light’ after the f+tm song (it’s very jules and tyr coded, especially their early marriage and also it’s just a banger song in general). But I don’t know, I wrote it while I was stuck in a really bad writing rut, to try and kick myself out of it? And tbh I kinda hated it so I took it down :”))) Although, I was thinking about rewriting it/continuing it! It follows how Jules and Tyr met, and like the relationship between the Aesir and the Olympians? Which I feel like could be interesting.

As for upcoming fics and art!! Hmm.. I am currently working on a COD fic that i'm really excited about, so it'll probably be a little while before I get any jules fics out -- altho i guess it depends on what you wanna see?? But in terms of art, my uni term has just ended so im finally having time to get back into it! I want to draw her again because by the gods i miss her :')) she is so lovely to me

Okay so this is going to be a pretty long one, so the rest is under the cut.

OHOHOH cracks knuckles let me tell you

______

Heimdall -- he was a little boy when Jules and Tyr just got married, and since his mother wasn't in the picture, she def mothered him alot. Doted on him, calling him her 'little magpie' because he liked her jewellery. Although, as he grew up Odin obvs wanted him to be a certain way, and esp with Odin and tyr's disagreements, jules and tyr would spend time away form the aesir gods. This created some mad issues between her and heimdall as he grew up, especially as he started being alot like Odin/the heimdall we know, he could see with his powers that in her mind she was starting to dislike the person he was becoming. But even to this day, she still viewed him as her boy, and it was actually her unconditional love/trust that got her captured !

(for some backstory, tyr was captured and imprisioned by Odin. And Odin, being actually kind of a smart dude even if he is a pos, is like ?? ayo?? Hmm maybe let's not let his Olympian (scary strong) wife who very much loves him be running around on the loose, especially is she thinks i killed him. So what if we capture her?? ((he didnt want to kill her because u know how when Olympians die it like, wreaks havoc??)) and so he basically send heimdall to be like, 'hey!! im so sorry about being distant but tyr is this way come on!' and lead to Odin, who was disguised as tyr, and when she jumped into his arms he like, put magic cuffs/collar thing that makes her not be able to use her magic? and imprisoned her somewhere in musphelheim (hot hot place for hot hot lady who, if she died or escaped, couldn't use her powered to melt/destroy shit)

After she gets out, she misses/hurts/greives him but also like, understands that he was kind of a shit person, even if it wasn’t entirely his fault.

*

Sif -- Slay besties for real. Espeically once she settled in, I feel like she'd easily fall into pace beside sif, espeically since (at that time) neither of them had kids. Very much like, real houswives of the Aesir kinda energy except they are all judging everyone else together. I feel like they'd both be pretty interested in like, each other's country's versions of femininty? Like, how sif is the embodiment of being a woman in norse and Aphrdoite (jules) is also like, peak feminitny (kinda) in greek mythos.

After ragnarok I think her and jules would be working together to rebuild, and she would be hella empathetic? Especially since for the last like century or whatever she believed her own husband (who she loved dearly) to be dead. And like, thor while a pos dad and an asshole, sif loved him?? And he loved her?? And they really did try?? Idk I feel like jules would help take care of her because she knows what that’s like.

*

Thor -- at least in these games, seems very women respect-y. I feel like he'd respect her and almost kind of admire her/like her more than his brother? Tyr is a little bit uppity (at least from thors perspective) and jules is a bit more >:)) commit crimes and cause problems on purpose. In saying that though, I feel like they'd probably never be too close and mainly would spend time together because of Tyr/Sif.

*

Freya -- her and freya used to be besties, they both kinda knew what it was like to be the outsider (?) wife from a different place. But both freya and jules are both super stubborn/bull headed, and esp when it came down to baulder. That's when freya said something to her (to be fair, in freya's defence jules was probably way overstepping even if it came from a place of care/kind of what happened between herself and heimdal) she held a grudge in typical olympian fashion.

*

Sindri/Brok -- I think that maybe she didn't interact with them too much? I'd like to thing though that maybe her and Sindri got along better than say, her and brok. I imagine that maybe one time she helped them forge something using her sunpowers, like a cool weapon or something maybe as a gift for tyr. Otherwise, they are on good terms. Also, I think especially due to the fact that like, craftsman ship was a very admired/masculine thing in greek life, maybe she'd have a bit of admiration for their craft?/the dwarves in general. Appreciating the fact that while they make very good weapons/structures/devices etc, they also make them beautiful.

_____

Hmm... I'm trying to think of some other people that she interacted with. OH HAHA there's a running joke in my friend group where like, Freyr is Jule's and Tyr's third (mainly because I think he's handsome but whatever) And i feel like, especially as jules has no real internal fealty to the Aesir apart from Tyr, who himself is always kinda teetering on a blades edge, she tends to appreciate/befriend people even outside of their 'allies' kinda thing. (This wily willful nature maybe also pissed Odin off, who was expecting like, maybe someone like Harmonia)

Also here are some bonus teehees and bits about tyr n jules specifically because they are little running jokes and make me teehee a bit:

Tyr, early on in their marriage when things were still a bit shaky between them and jules was taking out her frustrations/fear on him, he tried to take her to Vanaheim as a cute little like, date thing? also to get her out of Asgard. Anyway, him being a dork nerd was like 'BY MY BEARD, JULIUS!! look at these wonderful specime--' and then the flower like, exploded colour all over her dress, staining it and she was HELLA pissed. And then, a few days later he tried to buy her a bouquet of vanaheim flowers as an apology, and they were also. pollen staining ones. Let's just say he slept on the couch for a few days after that.  Now everytime they go to Vanaheim together she treats him like a child at a grocery store -- hands INSIDE the trolley, look with your eyes not your hands, PUT THAT DOWN!! YOURE NOT GETTING THAT put it back !

ALSO ! theres a running joke that Tyr has like, water-proof journals (so his tears dont make the ink run) he writes into like a tween girl everytime jules is 'mean' to him. 'dear diary, today my beloved light-of-my-life jules called me a dork and said that the french toast i made her was 'alright'. I will never recover.' followed by a page of poetry about how his beloved has betrayed him.

He feeds her well is all im saying. Mans can cook and shes sitting on the bench holding the bowl.

also jules funfact of the ask -- her name is Julius (roman/latin)/jules because its cute, but like her greek name is ιουλος (ioulos). I mainly chose the name jules despite it being hella inaccurate because 1) it's cute as hell and the nickname is cute and 2) idc that it's inaccurate, she's not real and plus it's my meow meow oc and i get to make the rules... also i dont really love alot of male greek names :')) (She was born a boy! And probably aligns more with genderfluid but mainly fem lady girlboss, she's a shapechanger becuase hmmm Aphrodite powers and also i said so)

Anyway im gonna end this up with a Spotify link to her playlist because !! I listened to it almost exclusively for like, 8 months so yeah. Love that gal.

thank you best anon in the world for letting my ramble abt my baby girl for 1.5k

[kkagsie]

furuba stage review - part 1?? (casting)

it’s been almost a year since furuba stage last came out, and i was only able to watch it now because i rewatched the anime. do take note that i watched the play without subs and solely relied on my story knowledge to understand the whole thing (they pretty much followed the OG storyline so this isn’t really an issue). 

warning: long post ahead!!

ps. all pics are taken from one of the official pvs

the casting

let’s start with the most important aspect of this (or any) play. the casting. and i kid you not, the casting for this is PERFECT.

when i first saw the cast list, i was lowkey in doubt with some characters seeing im somehow familiar with both the story and the actors (and how they play certain roles) but i was proven wrong when i actually watched the whole thing.

ayano christie yoshida (nogizaka46) who played as tohru, did absolutely great! tohru’s formal way of speaking, her gentle and calming vibe, she got it all down. the eye language (is that a thing?) was superb, considering that furuba has a lot of scenes where monologue comes into play.

Next we have hashimoto shohei (akutagawa - bsd stage, nishinoya - haikyuu engeki, leo - enstars stage) who played as kyo. Initially, i wasnt sure what to expect bc he has a versatile way of acting. but after seeing the true form arc (which i’ll get into detail in a separate post) i thought “yep, he’s perfect. he’s literally kyo in the flesh”. maybe the only thing i didnt particularly like was the fact that his voice tends to go up by a pitch when he screams (which is to say, kyo screams A LOT) but i thought it wasnt rlly an issue seeing that shohei’s voice is naturally high-pitched.

yuki .. OH GOD YUKI.. i might be a bit biased here because i rlly like naoya kitagawa, but to say that he’s the real life yuki is an understatement. he portrayed yuki with grace and elegance i cannot explain. so to say, he also portrayed tsukasa suou in enstars stage so i know he has a delicate performance, which suits yuki. his supposed intimate scenes literally had me dying because it was well executed. his fight scenes with kyo was amazing as he moved with grace despite being an intense scene.

i wont be commenting one by one on them as it’ll take forever to finish, so i only talked about the main trio. but here’s some honorable mentions.

kisa’s stage actress, erina kamata (im not so sure abt the name because i can barely find infos about her, correct me if im wrong), did the greatest. despite the young age, she was performing in par with the adults. her scene with hiro which she caught him doing mischief, the emotions whenever she says “hiro-chan”, the voice she did when kisa can barely speak, she did it all perfectly.

upon scrolling on twitter, i see people talking about ayame portrayed by hiroki nakata and he did not disappoint. he was able to exude ayame’s comedic energy and he did it without looking like a cringe. he was obnoxious, loud, outgoing, literally ayame. im not sure if his parts with shigure and hatori was adlib (esp the “yosh” part), but whether that was adlib or not, it still gave me a good laugh. he also had parts in between scenes that wasnt originally in the story (so im assuming those are adlibs that he had to do for some reason), but he did it with ease and it was perfect nonetheless. (i was too lazy to search for other pvs and this was the only steady shot on him. so in-character right haha)

—--

so for now, that is it for my furuba stage casting review. i feel like if i put my review on how they did significant scenes, and relationship portrayal, it’ll be a whole ass talk. will be putting that in part 2 if there will be one. thanks for coming to my tedtalk!

[joshriku]

Hi!!! I just read how do you sleep at night, your WandaJericho fic, and I'm having so many feels right now!!! Wanda's decision to getting a break from her relationship with Jericho made me like, oh wanda!

Her getting constantly anxious that nothing big is happening after their semi breakup was so sad. Girl is having grief in her romantic and maternal life since Vision's disassembling. It happens in reality too, when you are having constant drama and trauma in your life, you can't just suddenly adapt to peace. And you just start creating the drama and the unstable ness, whether you want it or not. Self Sabotage, or craving drama, you name it.

But the consequences that come with it—what always happens when she loves too much, the things that get ruined, the life she tries so hard to keep under control—it’s all so paralyzing. It’s as paralyzing as this touch. Oh dear!

And Jericho was so supportive! He was extremely right to be hurt, but I think he must have gotten an inkling later(maybe pietro?) about why is she behaving like that. I loved their Astral plane conversations, and "simply souls waving each other hello." This is so good!!

Also pietro!!! I loved how he just knew why Wanda is behaving like this. Self Sabotage indeed. The twin sense must have gotten activated. He is actually more emotionally intelligent about people he loves and cares, so that wasn't a surprise when he knew what wanda didn't want to admit yet. Also I knew it when he said he likes Jericho! Honorable mention Wanda's thought on how easy is to fight with pietro. Hope next years mini does twins justice.

Also Happy New Year!!

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 happy new year!! firstly thank you so much for such a lovely ask it really means a lot that you'd take the time to let me know you liked my writing, i really appreciate it!!!! 🥺🫶 already made my 2024 a great year!!

second AHHHHHH THANK YOU.. I LOVE WANDAJERICHO SO MUCH. ever since SW #9 when they reveal they're inexplicably exes / still have feelings but with "no strings" i've been like. oh?? what?? 😭 at first i was like, oh thats funny they dont strike me as characters who'd do No Strings Attached thing. but then i gave it more thought and started thinking of ways they COULD be and wanda essentially growing uneasy and anxious over a relationship that was going so well, when she is so used to things going wrong, came to me and i was like ohhh yes... thats it... now we got it 🫵 i can see her cutting things out before them getting "ruined". i really wanted it to be like, this relationship is *fine* and thats whats freaking her out!!

when i wrote this i wrote jericho with the intention that he knew exactly why she did it, but knowing it didnt change that she did hurt him, and the whole crutch of this story being that theyre both unequivocally very in love with each other still. still the case does remain that jericho is also very committed to his duties in the academy, esp after everything they went through - something wanda would also know firsthand. i think all those student deaths/the death of doctor strange/mandatory other marvel events would take its toll on anyone tbh i can see them trying to put at least a pause on everything while they try to fix the world. As Usual. i didnt write jericho immediately taking back wanda too because, yknow, it takes two to tango! BUT THEYRE SO GONNA WORK IT OUT. BECAUSE THEY LOVE EACH OTHER THATS THE WHOLE POINT.. THEY NEVER STOPPED..IN MY HEAD. CAUSE I SAID SO AND THEYRE MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT SHIP...

and AHH THANK YOU.. pietro in that fic was my favorite part 🫶 he loves wanda and hes really good friends with jericho of course hed have a deeper understanding of whats going on! i think pietro is a lot more emotionally intelligent than what most writers give him credit for. and if theres anyone who knows about self sabotaging or recognizing it on someone itd be him, and ESPECIALLY on wanda. defo one of my fave scenes to write in that fic 🥹 MAXIMOFF TWINS MY BELOVED..

Anyway this was a really long reply just to say that thank you SO much and this ask made my whole year and i am really grateful that you liked my fic!!!!!!! i liked writing it too!!! 💛💛💛

[upsidedowngrass]

do you think liam and stone would be friends if they ever met outside of The Plane again

HMM!!!

(put under a readmore cus i ended up talking a LOT lol :) )

i think they could be friends!!! i think stone liked the contestants. while im pretty sure stone picked liam to give the notes to 1) because he is a backpack. he can hold notes. and 2) he seems the MOST stubborn of all of the contestants, so think compared to the chance for things to end well (or at least, the best they COULD end), liam was the best bet to pick thru all possible courses of action

but even outside of that stone generally seems to like them all, helping bryce when he didnt need to, visibly looking guilty for having to sabotage amelia, etc. i think they showed liam one of the notes bc they WANTED him to understand that theyre trying to help, and i think there was a chance hed understand, but he just happened to Not. with everything we know abt stone (which unfortunately isnt much), he looks like he WANTS to help them because he cares, and i think they wouldve liked to be friends with them, and to have met all of them under better circumstances. (he obv knows about the concept of friends because he knows everything, but i think they dont really get many opportunities to meet New people given. being from a world of Just rocks) point is that i think stone would love to be friends w liam!!

whether or not LIAM would wanna b friends is a diff question tho. liam doesnt seem like the type of guy whod necessarily hold anything against stone, since he gradually seems to respect stone more and more as he follows the notes, but i think there Could be some discomfort there. if stone hadnt written the notes, he never wouldve gone to bryce, he never wouldve died a bunch more times, and he never wouldve gotten stuck in airys world. but then again, if they hadnt written them, if airy had still died, all of the contestants couldve been trapped on the plane literally forever, and julien wouldve been stuck in the waiting room forever

i think liam would still think about stone pretty fondly, and historically he hasnt really been concerned about 'people who could remind him of his time on the plane, but 'well this person reminds me of my time on the plane' given everything with bryce, but during all that he was still very much. not in the mentality of being at home. (after he got home, he seems to REALLY still feel stuck on the plane, esp if what he says to bryce is anything to go off of) it could be very different once hes home, and because? i think stone ended up kinda STILL being with him thru s2, just symbolically. so i think it could be complicated for liam

but all of this aside? i think any discomfort he may feel would maybe be set to the side. liams pretty passive by nature, and i think being able to be friends with stone would actually kinda end up giving him a sense of closure about some things!!! most of his interactions with stone WERE somewhat strained, but i think liam wouldnt rly even think abt that

i dunno!!! but i think theyd make good friends if they had the opportunity to meet again. liam makes conversation pretty easy when he wants to, even though its not smth he especially goes out of his way to do, but i think when he would like to he can be VERY annoying abt it. if he wanted some level of Knowing stone, because i think it could be Nice to have stone be less of this ominous figure whos motives werent super clear but did ultimately help (assuming in this hypothetical he and stone meet again on earth, but i think in airys world stone could be. actually pretty nice for him to meet again? dont know!) and instead this Person who helped him and his friends, he would be a bit stubborn about it, and maybe a bit awkward about it, but i think stone would be okay with it. stone seems very 'reluctantly WILL do things for the greater good but would like to do helpful things that DONT make people upset instead. wants to just get along with people but just ISNT in a situation where they can' and also generally patient (i think they have to be patient given the world theyre from) so i think itd work out!!!!

anyway this post is long and idrk how clear it is BUT its fun to think abt!!!! idk how liam would get the chance to meet stone again but i would LOVE if it did happen

[meyhew]

you don't have to share this if you don't wanna, but it really is a breath of fresh air on here to hear people actually point out what is obvious regarding the whole harry/zayn/1D thing. it is so clear that work on making harry the next timberlake was going on fullswing and zayn made a very smart decision for his career. he must have pissed so many off with that lmao and i am glad!! but also one thing that always confuses me is why louis INSISTS on them having been perfect best friends. the only person in the band he has publicly shown his anger towards is zayn. i have believed in larry for ten years now (although my understanding of it doesn't match most others’), but all throughout mitam promo I was very *side eye* towards louis and harry suddenly being friends laughing around interacting again. i still look at that time with so much skepticism. i would love to hear your thoughts (anything around what i rambled, and only if you like)

cannot believe we r still having these conversations in the year 2023 but i think we will always be having these conversations bc we will never know the complete truth. anyway i do think zayn & louis were genuinely really really good friends. they both have a similar working class background and both seem to take immense pride in it, so naturally that would lend to a strong foundation in a friendship. and idk to Me it isnt that confusing that louis would be angry with zayn. like i dont Approve of the things he's done/said to/about zayn but it i can understand how that would happen. people tend to be more hurt by those that are closest to them and those they value most. whether zayn left for his mental health or because of industry politics or both, it's understandable that louis might be more angry with zayn than if it were liam or niall—because he was always closer with zayn.

but anyway!! mitam erea is sooo fascinating to me esp as a larrie bc genuinely why were harry & louis all of a sudden besties in a way we hadn't seen in years? there was that theory abt them being promised a coming out and that was plausible at the time and even a Little bit in hindsight but maybe not. or it could be bc they were trying to divert attention fom zayn's departure and they had to do something to keep the fans happy & afloat, a very large chunk of whom at the time consisted of larries. who knows man. we will never find out what actually happened and none of it will really make a lot of sense. soooo much drama and over a boyband!

tldr i think louis' anger was borne of love bc zayn was his closest friend in the band and he didnt rlly know how to handle the departure

[jackienautism]

i rant about resident evil and their writing / inclusion of the girls.

i jsut want 2 girls to go on their fucked up little adventures together is that too much to ask

i finally got to the halfway point of code veronica X and GODDDD i fucking knew they were gonna do this goddamn shit w/ steve and claire. i knew from the goddamn beginning even if i didnt want to admoit it...... residetn evil just cant be normal w/ a girl being paired w/ a guy. they just fucking cant

i understand that this is seen more among the older games (ashley + leon from re4 as well) and i cant speak for the og re3 nemesis but the way they wrote carlos and jill? its just.... why make these male characters say such bizarre and degrading and just ? nasty comments towards the female protag? do you really expecvt us to root for them? i just dont fcuking undeerstand, and this occurs in a remake too! they didnt bother to maybe just maaaybe take that bulllshit out. because jill's uncomfortable. IM uncomfortable. its just. godddd who the fuck caaaares STOP THIS TROPE

you see this same thing w/ steve and claire.... not oonly is steve incredibly fucking annoying the first second we meet him, he also continually acts as a nuisance towards her for a good quarter of the game. yeah sure theyre just building up to the Ground Breaking Emo backstory drop later, but. you already made me fucking hate this loser so goddamn much meaning im not gonna give a single shit about his development later. I JUST DONT CARE FOR HIM !!!!!! THEM MAKING HIM SO ANNOYINH RUINED ANY CHANCE OF ME CHANGING MY MIDN LATER.......

and GOD havent even mentioned this yet but. when i saw the little preview thing w/ the 3 characters w/ claire + chris i saw [steve] and went.... [eyeballs] hello whos this? long story short i thoiught he was a butch lesbian and i got SO excite d b c residtn ebil has yet to pair a girl up w/ anothner girl around the same age but noooooo instead i got this pathetic loser of a man (derogatory). the closest we have to 2 girls being fucked up together is mia and zoe in re7. but thats like. mainly a side thing. and mia isnt even the protag so

which leads me to the next thng i wanted to talk about. i think mnmen are super cool ofc and i hate to be that Bitch and pull that Card but good freaking god why must there be a man FOR EVERY SINGLE FEMALE CHARACTER IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN SERIES...... andit woudlnt be huge deal if they were noraml w/ these pairings but theyre NOT..... THEY MAKE IT WEIRD EVERY SINGLE TIME..... STEVE LITERALLY ALMOST KISSES CLAIRE WHILE SHE'S ASLEEP........ CARLOS CONSISTENTLY MAKES UNNECESSARILY WEIRD COMMENTS TOWARD JILL......... ASHLEY RANDOMLY AWSKS FOR SEX AT THE END OF RE4............ WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT AOBUT? good for ashley for shooting her shot i guess though but considering yhe game's previous comments towards ashleu and her figure.... it was blatantly put in to sexualize her furtyher

maybe its thr lesbian in me popping out maybe its the aromantic in me popping out WHO KNOWS all i know is that. resident evil makes me very upset sometimes dflkgnjg i love the games i love the characters (esp the girls big surprise i know) but jesus christ. somethings i just can't ignore. and this is cerrtainly one of them. a girl just can't exist out of a guy according to capcom. and that sort of idea is suuuper evident in how they portray and include their women. you could have a girl protag (re3, recv etc) but theres always a 99% chance theres gonna be a man tagging along + continually saving their asses and theres almost alwaysa an even HIGHER chance that theyre meant to be seen as a romantic interest! and its exhausting@!!!!!

long story short . i get im not resident evil's target audience . but im still gonna be pissed and annoyed . the girls deserve better .

im def gonna have to go more in depth abt resident evil and their writing of relationships (or lack thereof) some other time but just for now. the best written ones are claire + sherry and mia + ethan goodbye

[single-malt-scotch]

i have repeated this thought to some degree in the past but now i have 130 followers so hopefully i dont get sniped for my perspective lol. but as an old school mindcrack vet i just dont get the "c!" stuff. and i dont mean this in a "please explain this to me". i know what it means-- c! means character, cc! means content creator. so i know that and i know what they imply. people seperate the creator into a "character" and people tend to use that to make it clear theyre talking about a "character" mainly when making headcanons, ships, etc.

what i do mean is. i dont understand how to see these guys as characters unless we are talking like Empires, or even as i see WCsmp (or any cc who states they are playing a character in some way)- those servers are when they have very defined characters often with new names (to be clear i havent watched much of wcsmp, but they got that whole witch thing with loads of lore? so?). hermitcraft isnt often that at all... i know s8 was very unique in the way that a few people did that, and some ppl take on a base aesthetic i can see why people would want to seperate things like that to some degree, making an idea/design/etc out of it or coming up with stuff about the bases- but what they do in videos is 90% of the time meta. its normal cc talk, cc talking about their base/work/game stuff etc etc. putting aside s8 entirely there are no 'characters' to take from most seasons outside of bits maybe-- which means that i see people are just like. making a character out of them, despite there being none. i just never get into the larger fandom, lore, etc because in my head i just dont get why it exists. this isnt a jab at the creative fanworks, its lovely, but i see no point to it because it doesnt stop me from creating like everyone else.

it wasnt like this with mindcrack, there was no "c!' stuff. it was just. the guy. the cc. and that didnt stop us from fan art, shipping, headcanons, and fan fics. im not gonna tell anyone to not seperate ppl into c! and cc! its fine you can do whatever. but in my head i genuinely cant imagine processing it this way unless its actually a server defined as a roleplay server or the cc stating this themself in a whatever context. the ppl i watch (esp people like etho or bdubs (yes even way back when bdubs did the b team mafia bit! it was still The Guy doing a bit)) are just themselves to me, the content creator, but that doesnt mean i think its weird to ship them or write them or whatever. it wasnt weird with mindcrack, so my mindset on this just hasnt shifted at all. (but on a personal note- its why i dont like the idea of making specific gender or sexuality headcanons cuz i feel its wrong to overwrite some real person's identity regardless of c! or cc!). when i first jumped in this fandom i was sooooo confused by this idea. i thought some of these people were playing pretty obvious characters with how much fandom built them up. so the fact i discovered this really wasnt the case confused me more and made it really hard for me to understand this perspective, esp with my oldschool views.

[ooglywooglies]

back from first appointment today, i uh think i might be getting hormones on the 2nd of July, a little bummed its not IN june bc i think that would be funny, but i mean im kind of shocked at how fast its all happening, i went to like a specific clinic and they were like yeah we got a guy set up we can get this all started in like 2 weeks and i didnt even have any questions

also found this faygo at the convenience store, ive seen faygo before but ive never tried it and i like cotton candy stuff. its uh, i think its not very good but i kind of like it? idk its weird. its not carbonated like at all, i think it would be better if it was carbonated. it kind of tastes like water that had candy soaking in it. or like how that cotton candy body spray smells if it tasted like it smells. im keeping the bottle though its kinda cute

not once did doctor comment on my weight which is probably a first i was like my cholesterol is probably bad bc i only just started exercising again and he was like well exercising is important for any gender

so weird going to a doctor and immediately being on the same page as them, whenever ive gone to a doctor before about other problems usually theres always been a case of either theyre undermining me or IM undermining THEM bc im expecting them to undermine me and it was so nice to go and and both of us go like i trust you to be intelligent. esp bc part of my trans story is "i learned about being trans on the medical channel when i was 7 bc i watched the medical channel a lot as a child" so he was like yknow i guess it makes a lot of sense that youd be well informed then

also, i am american so it gets brought up EVERY TIME and i think its funny but its also kind of embarrassing when someone mentions my accent because i feel a little bit like a cartoon character, part of my brain is like yes im american, yes hamburger bald eagle freedom. i am sorry.

i think were gonna go for butt injection, he was like trying to scare me a bit with how painful it apparently is and i was like i just had the worst experience with needles in my mouth when i got my wisdom teeth pulled recently i can probably handle it, and he was like no i heard its worse and i was in my head like, maybe you dont understand how horrible that mouth needle was it was really bad

either way im not really afraid of the butt needle im not someone who is afraid of needles like literally at all

bit jealous of women getting to have a pill, i know some still get injections but having the option of a pill must be nice on some level

anyway yeah my next appointment is July 2nd and i have to manage to get in with the specialist (which i think is just gonna be similar to what we did today but like itll end with a big APPROVED stamp) and do blood work before that appointment

and were gonna work on top surgery, hes got a surgeon lined up i think we need a psych thing for that for like insurance reasons or something and then we need money (15,000 dollars!!!!!!!!!)

asked if i want bottom and i was like no bc its too expensive and he was like ok thats probably good no one around here is any good at it