#like i identified at bi when i first came out but like

[fae-queen54]

does anyone else have a hard time coming out to their long time friends? like i had an easier time coming out to these two freshmen that my sister is friends with than i did with my actual friend group. and i cannot for the life of me tell if that’s rsd or me telling these queer kids i’m a safe person. bc like those kids are ab to hit high school since they’re incoming freshmen and there’s a lot of homophobes and transphobes where i go to school. but i legit had no anxiety or anything telling these 14 yr olds “i’m gender-fluid and bi, he/she/they/it” when they asked my pronouns after telling me theirs. i haven’t even come out fully to my best friend bc i get scared that she’ll try to invalidate me. my friend hasn’t even done that to anyone in front of me at least so idk why i’m scared.

btw it’s so cute to see queer kids unafraid to tell people who they are. like they just proudly told me and didn’t even look scared bc adults were around. i rlly love that they aren’t afraid to do that like i am. even though i’m barely three yrs older it’s amazing to see queer youth being proud no matter what. bc when i was just entering hs i was so afraid to say i was queer. these kids have been out and proud since they were 12-13. and they’re not afraid to admit labels change. like so many people my age are afraid to label themselves bc they think they’re stuck w it. it’s so shocking to me bc my friends aren’t older than these kids. but when these kids told me who they were so proud i just wanted to cry. bc they weren’t afraid. like my friends and i are hardly closeted when we’re not around our parents but like i don’t admit i’m queer until like months into forming a friendship. and it’s never been how it was with those freshmen. it’s always been a passing comment like in response to another passing comment like “imagine being pan and having no pull” and responding “ab as bad as a queer girl having no pull?” like i think the one time me addressing my sexuality has ever been the entire focus was when i first came out and that’s only bc it was a heat of the moment thing at a hoco dance. i’ve never introduced myself like “hi i’m noah, i’m gender-fluid and queer/bi/whatever, these are my pronouns” like those kids did and i want that! i want to be that proud, that unafraid of others opinions, that out and open ab myself and my identity.

[everythingsbetterunderthestars]

Similar to the other post I just made but I need to scream it again into tumblr because I want to: MY PARENTS ARE SO AMAZING you guys if you think people from different generations can’t understand us (especially queer people) that’s not true my parents are literally the best

[nothorses]

This is a genuine ask and I hope it doesn't come off as rude, obviously people can do whatever they want forever, but what is the logic behind a lesbian dating a transgender man? (By lesbian I mean someone who is only attracted to women), wouldn't that exclude binary trans men then since trans men are men? Or is it like "Trans men can be lesbians because they have vaginas" which just feels like bioessentialism with progressive wording...

I think the core misunderstanding here might be in your use of the word "logic". And there's a super high chance I'm extrapolating more intention than you put into that word choice, but hear me out.

On a super basic level, I think it's important to understand the reasons people use words like "lesbian" and "trans man" in the first place. In certain contexts, it makes sense to assign these terms more rigid definitions: a study would likely have a single, clear definition for those words in order to talk about some research results. An academic essay might need a shared definition if they're talking about broad trends and systemic issues.

But when we're talking about an individual's choice of identity labels- the words they use to describe their own personal experiences and relationship to gender and orientation- it doesn't make as much sense to apply someone else's definition of those words to that individual's use of them. They're trying to describe their own internal world to you; what matters in that conversation is how they understand the words they use, and why they chose them.

Don't get me wrong: common understandings of a word can play a part in that conversation! My understanding of what "gay trans man" means has been shaped almost entirely by other people. I chose those words for myself because of what I think most people will understand them to mean. In twenty years, it's possible that the common understandings of those words could change, and I might use different words to better communicate the same internal experience.

But I also might not. I might decide that my personal connection to those words is more important to me, or even that saying I'm a "gay trans man", as a person 20 years older than I am now, better reflects my internal experience as one that was shaped by the time I came to understand myself in. Maybe it'll be important to me to communicate that I understand myself as a "gay trans man" because of what those words meant 20 years ago. Maybe it'll be important to me to ask tomorrow's queer people to learn about my context, and my story, in order to really understand me.

And maybe, when I fill out a survey for a queer study in 20 years, I'll read the definitions they use for all of these identity labels and categorize myself accordingly, even though I don't personally identify with those definitions or words.

So yeah, I could talk about all the reasons someone might identify as a "lesbian" and still be attracted to trans men. I could talk about trans men who still call themselves "lesbians" because of what the words meant 20 or 40 years ago, or some unique definition they heard in one place and decided they liked enough to keep, even though nobody else has even heard it. I could talk about lesbians whose partners turn out to be trans men, and who still feel attracted to them afterwards; whose partners are okay with, or even feel validated by, their lesbian partners still calling themselves "lesbians". I could talk about nonbinary trans men, and bigender or multigender trans men, who are women and/or lesbians as much as they are trans men. I could talk about bi and pan lesbians, who may find themselves attracted to one trans man or a handful of men- trans and cis both- but otherwise mostly experience attraction to women.

But like, the point shouldn't be to find a good enough reason to justify it. The point isn't the "logic". The point is to understand that everyone's internal experience is fundamentally different from yours, and to be curious about each individual.

It's great that you asked this question in sincerity, but I'm the wrong person to be asking.

When someone says they're a lesbian who's attracted to trans men, they're trying to share something about themselves with you! That is a precious, unique thing you are being entrusted with. Get curious! Ask them what those words mean to them, and take the opportunity to get to know them better. Learn their story! Connect!

I can't tell you that person's story any more than you can guess it on your own, no matter how much you try to logic it out. That's exciting! The world is big, and it's full of unique stories and perspectives you couldn't even dream of inventing! That's so much better than a logic puzzle, don't you think?

[eeldritchblast]

They’re Not “Playersexual”, You’re Just Biphobic

(I was going to save this until September 23 because I thought that would be an appropriate date, but the Ask I got included in this essay just put me over the edge. So, here it is now. Buckle up.)

Bisexuality/Pansexuality is the attraction to people regardless of gender. About 4% of the USA alone (over 13.6 million people) openly identify as bisexual, according to Gallup’s latest polling. But unfortunately, bi/pan identities are so scary to some folks that they need to make up terms to avoid calling their favourite characters such. Thus, the term “playersexual” was born: a term to describe a game character who is attracted to the player character... regardless of gender.

If that sounds like it’s just a circuitous way of describing a bi/pan character, it’s because it is.

I first heard of the term “playersexual” almost a decade ago, from a Dragon Age fan complaining that Dorian was gay and thus it was “unfair” that she couldn’t romance him as female character. This fan said they wished BioWare would go back to Dragon Age II’s model of everyone being “playersexual” for “equality”.

Now, if you’ve actually played DA:2 and you’re not a bigot, you’re probably rolling your eyes just as hard as I did when I first read such a ridiculous statement. Well, prepare for this next one:

“When you make a male Hawke, Anders and Fenris are gay and Merrill is straight. Opposite is true if you make a female Hawke.”

These people are so afraid of bisexuality that they cannot even fathom its existence. They can believe in dragons and magic, but they cannot believe that a character is simply bi/pan. I find this especially hilarious for Anders, considering he had a canonical boyfriend, as confirmed both in-game and in The World of Thedas: Vol. 2 book.

I truly thought we were past this nonsense in 2023. I really, truly thought that. But then Baldur’s Gate 3 was released in full, and suddenly these same fuckers came out of the woodwork to bend over backwards avoiding calling these characters anything except bi/pan.

Note how in the above Ask, the anonymous questioner actually doubles down on avoiding addressing these two characters in particular as bi/pan!

“Playersexual” doesn’t even truly work for the characters of Baldur’s Gate 3 regardless, because the definition is oriented around attraction to the player character… which these characters are not exclusively attracted to. Here are some examples that prove otherwise:

If neither Lae’zel nor Astarion/Gale/Wyll are in a romance with the PC, Lae’zel will say she plans on propositioning one of the men for sex at the night of the tiefling party. She also flirts with Karlach in party banter.

Shadowheart expresses interest in Karlach, (“I like her. She looks like she could throw me over her shoulder and carry me to safety, should the need arise”) as well as Halsin if he leaves the party, (“he may have been misguided, but I liked looking at him.”)

Astarion flirts with nearly everyone in the party, but to just pick two examples: he mentions Wyll is the type of princely figure he used to dream about marrying, and says to Shadowheart “such a grim name for such a beautiful flower”.

Gale used to date Mystra. He also debatably flirts with Astarion by offering him some blood, after Cazador’s battle.

Wyll flirts with Lae’zel in party banter, and also refers to Halsin as a “delight” and “hunk”.

Karlach seems to have a little crush on Jaheira by the way she reacts to meeting her. She also says of Halsin, “everyone in this camp wants to climb that oak”.

Please keep in mind these are just a few examples I’ve picked out from screening through the dialogue, and there’s even more that prove the attraction to different genders these characters have is not related solely to the player. It’s just part of their identities.

In the Ask sent to me above, the anonymous questioner said they “cannot see Karlach as anything except lesbian and Astarion as gay.” This is just as bad as saying they are “playersexual” in my opinion, because yet again it’s erasing their bisexuality/pansexuality. Worse yet, it’s doing it because of the way the characters act. You cannot measure queerness based on actions and appearances being in line or not with queer stereotypes—it’s not a scale! And bi/pan folks are just as queer as lesbian and gay men, by virtue of simply being bi/pan!

All in all, I think this entire “playersexual” debate boils down to the fact that some people still refuse to see bi/pan identities as anything but “discount straight”. And that’s why people are rightfully angry when folks try to further this myth by pretending bi/pan characters don’t actually exist.

[hideawaysis]

genuinely i don't think those people who say binary trans lesboys are just straight trans men have ANY idea how different the lesboy experience is from being straight. before i realized i wasn't cis, i was a cis girl that liked other girls - a lesbian. when i first came out, i identified as a binary trans boy, but the nature of my attraction never changed; there was always something about it that was just. inexorably queer in that it was tied to the gender i was assigned at birth, and how i'd identified beforehand. and i had no idea how to deal with that! i kept trying to shove myself into boxes that made sense - i'm gynesexual, i'm nonbinary, i'm a nonbinary lesbian, i'm a transmasc lesbian who isn't really a man. none of them felt like they fit me. i remember back then i was a truscum exclusionist too - if you're really trans you have to be this way, you can't be a boy and a lesbian, that's impossible. and even after i got out of that bigoted rut, i still felt the effects of it on me. i thought, why can't i just decide on a label that fits me? i can't be a binary trans man and a lesbian, i've been told that's horrible and doesn't make sense. what choice do i have here?

now that ive started letting myself be who i am, a trans guy who is bi and a lesboy, i genuinely feel so liberated. not because id felt left out beforehand, but because this is what ive always been. im finally letting myself be myself. i'm a boy. i'm a butch. i'm a dyke. deal with it.

[missyandthemisfits]

Tokyo Rev - Sexual Orientation Headcannons

18+ Random Personal Headers

Mikey - Pansexual

Doesn't really go out of his way to find mates, truly they just find their way to him. Has a slight preference to women but that's just because boobs are awesome. 

Draken - Hetero with a capital HETERO

He knows what he likes and he's never questioned it, really. Has the idea of it crossed his mind? Yea. Nothing against it either, just not for him. 

Baji - Questioning 

He's pretty sure he's into women, but between the age of 14-17, really finds himself questioning these sudden specs of romantic feelings for certain dudes...no one is the wiser.

Chifuyu - Straight with Bi Tendencies 

Chifuyu is very into women - but also he'd be lying if he said he's never uh...experimented before. Decided the only pegging he enjoyed was with/by a beautiful woman.

Mitsuya - Bi

He has fairly recently discovered he is indeed attracted to men and women and he's fairly comfortable coming out to his people too. He's confident enough to wear it pretty proudly after a very short insecure period. 

Hakkai - It's giving Gay

At some point in life, Hakkai realizes that the real reason he's so awkward around women is because he's aware he's 'supposed' to want to date them and find them enticing but...doesn't. Men are more his speed and he's starting to be okay with that. Has yet to tell Taiju-

Smiley - Straight, but has dabbled

Smiley will try anything once - and has, but it's not his thing. Just thinking about a woman in a lewd position drives him insane, men just don't do it for him. 

Angry - Questioning (but may or may not have a preference for women)

The thought of romance in general kinda scares the crap outta him cause he's always wondering if he's doing enough or if perhaps he's doing too much - so given that, of course he hasn't settled on a person, or sex, of choice. Whoever it is, he just wants to make them happy - inside and outside of the bedroom

Kazutora - Believes he's Hetero, Turns out his Bi

Kazutora is well into his adulthood when he finally figures out he's attracted to the same sex as well as the opposite sex and while he doesn't necessarily like the idea of a relationship at first, he grows to understand he needs that sort of intimacy. Once he starts, he can't get enough of it.

Akkun - Straight, but has dabbled.

It was less about curiosity for him and more of a getting caught up in the moment as some dude, equally as drunk, came onto him. The kiss was fine...but he quickly decided it's not his cup of tea.

Takuya - Demisexual 

Takuya is into men and women but even more so, he's into emotional intimacy and connection. You can be the most attractive person he's ever seen but if there's no real connection, there's 0 chance of you guys being more than friends. Thems the breaks.

Taiju - Very Hetero

Taiju is strictly a taco eater, nothing to question and no reason for any complicated discussions with himself - he knows what he wants and needs and what he NEEDS is the bodacious body of a curvy woman-

Yuzuha - Bi with wavering preferences 

Yuzuha is bisexual but goes through phases where she's either only looking for men or only looking for women. She's got no idea why she's like this, her brain is just wired like that - can relate!

Kokonoi - Bisexual

Of course he's into men and women, he doesn't have a real preference either. Either is just fine - but he does like them very pretty, long eyelashes and all that jazz. He thinks he's not picky, he totally is. 

Inui - A Lazy Pansexual

Romance takes quite a bit of energy, energy that Inui could be using for other "more productive" things - but also he likes... I dunno, everyone? Like, he genuinely does not care what you identify as, if he's down he's down.

Ran - Straight and promiscuous 

He is, I kid you not, damn near insatiable sexually. Only gets it on with women and has only really had a few real relationships, but he's had more than his fair share of lovers.

Rindou - Demi, Sapio 

Eh, he's not much of a people person if we're being completely honest. Doesn't discriminate against sexes, just doesn't wanna waste his time with meaningless sex. Despite his complicated titles, he's very simple to please and is a fairly easygoing partner.

Senju - Lesbian with Straight Tendencies 

@me if ya want, but Senju is someone who adores female companionship above all when it comes to relationships. She can kiss dudes no problem and has had several crushes but she can't really see a future with them.

You can’t convince me Takemichi isn’t not so secretly Bi

[bucksboobs]

I really hate even bringing up this sort of thing bc it makes me feel gender essentialist but I've noticed how most of the people who are anti bucktommy are women and most queer men in the fandom are totally fine with (if not outright ship) bucktommy.. idk it just feels kind of wrong.

So like it’s complicated because the first thing to remember is that this fandom is predominantly women to begin with, because tumblr is predominantly women to begin with. So like yes odds on, a lot of the blogs you see will be women and that means a lot of the haters you will see will be women.

However it has to be noted that it was not gay or bi or queer men reblogging that one post about killing Tommy with a gun for flirting with his boyfriend. It is not gay or bi or queer men making the most vile comments about Tommy or LFJ. It’s not gay or bi or queer men making the posts about how “you wanna go for the title? Is the gayest thing to happen in Buck’s kitchen and he kiss a man in there.”

There is a lack or at least deficit of men-loving-men perspective in the fandom that I don’t think we’re totally conscious of, and that’s what ultimately led to the outrage over Tommy’s daddy joke, because, as I’ve pointed out, “daddy issues” means something completely different when applied to a woman, and if one was a woman who identified with Buck, one may have felt very demeaned by that joke, but if one was a queer man who identified with Buck, one would find the joke pretty inoffensive, sorta flirty, and kind of hot coming from a suave older man. Gender absolutely played a role in how that line came across.

[philsmeatylegss]

Can I talk about Cat King because no one else will???

I haven’t finished the show yet so this might be wrong or age like milk

I could talk about his role in the story for hours. Tbh I overly identify with Edwin because I’m gay with a lot of problems in the past and Edwin’s historical typical internalized homophobia already makes a history nerd like me giddy with glee. And Cat King easily can be written off as a gag character, which I do think is part of his purpose, but he also represents the aspect of this story regarding Edwin’s sexuality not solely being sexual, but also still being sexual. As in obviously Edwin sexually fantasizes about men, but there’s much more than just that. That implication, acknowledging the fact, feeling free to tell Charles and the others, acting on that, just day to day life. Edwin had gotten by for thirty years ignoring his sexuality until cat king came along. Edwin acknowledging his sexuality, acting on it, and discussing it (in his own way) is a large part of his character growth which is fully pushed on because of Cat King. I know he’s supposed to be the bad guy, but I genuinely believe he is an anti hero or something along those lines. I think at first it was to just tease Edwin, but it grew into something deeper.

Don’t even get me started on the cuff. It is SO symbolic I could almost cry. It’s a physical representation of how limiting and claustrophobic it is to be in the closet. Specially not being out of the closet to close loved ones. You couldn’t have a closer relationship than the relationship between Edwin and Charles, but it doesn’t seem that way before Edwin comes out. And that’s multiple reasons on both of their parts, but part of it is that complete shut down to that side of himself. People don’t realize how much sexuality plays into day to day life. And Cat King made Edwin realize how much he’s missed out on. And also that he can’t put off his problems forever. Slay relatable.

I think the addition of Crystal and Niko also makes Edwin realize that he needs to at least recognize his sexuality. I think they help him realize how much he is missing out on by not being himself in general, nevertheless outing his sexuality.

And all of this goes back to the cat king!!! It drives me insane no one talks about it!!! There’s also the aspect that, on the surface, cat king is just supposed to represent lust. The difference between his feelings for Monty or Charles is that there’s emotions there while cat king is purely lust and a giggle. But when you think about the story, that’s just not true. When media deals with a character’s sexuality not being straight, it’s usually over sexualized or not acknowledged as anything sexual. Cat king gives that balance to his feelings for Charles. Because being gay is partly explicit. As is being straight, bi, pan, whatever (other than asexuality). Saying you are ___ sexuality is implying that you are sexually aroused by whatever gender(s). And cat king is that reminder while Charles and Monty are the reminder that love and relationships are also part of it. Cat king adds balance that makes Edwin’s character feel way more authentic and actually gay.

I haven’t even gotten to cat king pushing for Edwin to admit why he solves cases. WHY DOES NO ONE TALK ABOUT IT?!?! I was gnawing at the bars of my enclosure during that scene. It is arguably one of the most important scenes of the entire show. And it’s entirely brought on my cat king. Every single time Edwin either decides or is forced to reveal something vulnerable about himself, it’s Cat King!!!! Edwin’s confession that it is about preparing a justification as to how he should be allowed into heaven even though he is gay is such an insanely important moment and I’m gnawing at my enclosure again!!!

I may be studying history, but I’ve always been an English kid at heart and symbolism about religion and childhood trauma brings me to my knees. And Cat King is scratching an itch I’ve had for years that I had no clue was there anD NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT WHILE IT IS DRIVING ME BANANAS.

Anyway, that’s my case for talking about cat king. I just finished episode 4 and it’s gonna be really embarrassing when something happens the next few episodes that completely invalidates all of this

[gatheringbones]

robert f. reid-pharr, from living as a lesbian, from Sister & Brother: Lesbians and Gay Men Write About Their Lives Together, 1994

["In 1985 Barbara Smith came like a fresh wind into Chapel Hill. She brought with her a vision of home unlike anything I ever had imagined. It was then that I began the process of being a lesbian. It is only recently that I began to understand lesbianism as a state of being that few of us ever achieve. To become lesbian one has to first be committed to the process of constantly becoming, of creatively refashioning ones humanity as a matter of course.

Coda

By becoming a lesbian, I have done nothing more nor less than become myself.

I had expected to end this piece with these words, forcing all of us, myself included, to reevaluate what it means to be labeled lesbian, gay, straight, bi, transgendered, asexual. And yet, this is not enough. For even as I recognize the difficulty of giving definition and meaning to our various identities, I also realize that as I struggle to lay claim to my lesbianism I am always confronted with the reality of my own masculinity, this strange and complex identity that I continue to have difficulty recognizing as privilege.

It was a Friday afternoon in September when I had my first bathhouse experience. I'm not sure what I expected, or wanted. In truth, I was compelled more than anything else by Samuel Delany's description in The Motion of Light in Water of his visit to the St. Mark's Baths in the early sixties. I thought that it would be exciting, that perhaps within this outlaws' territory I could throw off the stifling fears and anxieties that shape and constrain our lives, sexual and otherwise. I even felt that, given the name of the enterprise I was about to visit— "baths"— there had to be something intrinsically cleansing and healing about it.

Now I find myself asking if in the bathhouse— the most sacred of male enclaves, where my masculine body and affected macho style increase my worth in the sexual economy— I am still lesbian. Is it lesbianism that spills out of the end of my cock as bald-headed men with grizzled beards and homemade tattoos slap my buttocks and laugh triumphantly? Is it lesbianism that allows me to walk these difficult streets alone, afraid only that I will not be seen, accosted, "forced" into sexual adventure?

All my bravado, my will to adventure is caught up, strangely enough, with the great confidence I have gained from "The Lesbian." And yet, this confidence, this awareness of my own body, of my own independence, takes me to places where she dares not go. Perhaps then I am not a lesbian at all, but rather like a drag queen, by day a more or less effeminate, woman-loving gay man, by night a pussy, a buck, the despoiler of young men recently arrived from the provinces and the careful tutelage of their loving mothers. What I know for certain is that this self, this lesbian-identified gay man, is in constant flux. I live like a lesbian, as a lesbian, because I know no better way of life. Still, I live beyond her, in a province that continues to be reserved exclusively for men, all the while reaping the many fruits of sexual apartheid.

Me, I want to escape…. this dirty world, this dirty body. I never wish to make love again with anything more than the body.

Perhaps in my next life I will be done with these questions of identity altogether, will cherish fully the body that I am given, begin to see it neither as burden or weapon, but only as the vessel of my existence. Perhaps in my next life I will have given up finally this constant struggle to explain who I am not— not woman, not white, not straight, not you— and start to revel in the limitless of my boundaries. Perhaps each one of us will recapture that which has been lost, start again to accept and acknowledge the profound ambiguity and uncertainty of this existence. It is then and only then that we will find home.

In 1985 Barbara Smith came like a fresh wind into Chapel Hill."]

[thenightling]

Demisexual and Queer language

There's been some heated "debate" about the word demisexual and if it is necessary.

I admit there are certain words I don't really think are necessary but I sort of like the sound of, like Pansexual.

First, to be clear, Bisexual didn't originally mean "excluding nonbinary and trans." It wasn't a strict attraction to the binary. It wasn't transphobic or nonbinary-phobic. And most self-identified bisexuals, even now, do NOT heed these newly added restrictions.

Bisexual was a third option when, once upon a time, there were only two options.

Late into the 90s (and even now) there are still some gay folk who think bisexuality is a myth and you have to be attracted to one or the other, men or women, but cannot be potentially attracted to all genders / either gender.

For a lot of bisexuals the term means attraction to your own gender and all other genders. And that's what the "bi" actually means. I only like the term pansexual because of its connection to the Greek Pan.

There was even the weird stigma and notion that bisexual meant you were horny for everyone. Into the 2000s you saw this in pop culture even with beloved characters like Jack Harkness in Doctor Who and as recently as the AMC Interview with The Vampire TV show version of Lestat, where bisexual felt like code for "Horny for everything" and even physically abusive and dominating. Odd that the 90s movie depiction of Lestat felt less... negative-stereotype-y.

Anyway, for a lot of older Queer folk "bisexual" was still a new term as recently as the 90s. When David Bowie came out as bisexual in 1972 a reporter mistakenly took that to mean he had the sex organs of a man and a woman. (Source: the 1993 book "Bowie: In his own words.")

Bowie was so stigmatized by America's obsession with him being bisexual that he walked back into the closet until the mid-2000s when he came back out and admitted he had only gone back into the closet because he was sick of American reporters asking him about it. And he admitted it felt like no other country did that, just America.

And when Vincent Price's daughter found out that her father had been bisexual she ran to Roddy McDowall and confronted him by asking "Why didn't you tell me my father was bisexual?" and Roddy responded with "We didn't know the word. How can you deny something when you don't know the word?"

Based on Roddy McDowall's response about Vincent Price, there are probably a lot of older and historic Queer folk who were actually bisexual but the moment they had any same-sex attraction the title of "homosexual" was pinned to them.

Language evolves for a reason. The acceptance of the idea that someone could be attracted to more than one gender is why we have the word bisexual. Demisexual has always existed, we just didn't have a term for it. Yes, there are a lot of new terms in the LGBTQAI+ spectrum. And change can be scary. This is why a lot of folk have started to positively use the term Queer, to keep things simple while also taking back a word some used to slur-like capacity. The 1963 novel The Man who fell to Earth by Walter Tevis had a line "He walked like a queer." and in the 1970s that line was changed to "He walked like a homosexual." I half-imagine that if Walter Tevis was still alive he would acknowledge the character Nathan Bryce's internalized homophobia (the character whose internal monologue uses the description) or drop the description entirely but it is interesting to note that the original wording would be more accepted today than back in 1963 when it was first published.

[bilesproblems]

I would love to know how many people who currently are saying that aspec people own the split attraction model and no one else can use it are people who participated in ace discouse and not on the side of the aspec community.

Idk, just the fact that they'll so readily participate in denying the lived experiences of people and coming up with absolutely bullshit that doesn't actually disprove the experience or prove that lesbian and bi aren't inherently compatible via split attraction, and the fact that their argument is literally aphobic because it says romantic and sexual attraction are inseperable and inherently tied to each other. It all feels like the kind of people who destroyed my community while it was young, traumatized aspec people severely, convinced baby Lun that they couldn't identify as asexual despite it being the only label they were right about the first time, and when they came back to the community, so much of the culture was forever lost before they even got a chance to be part of it.

I feel like these kind of people decided to forget the destruction they caused and moved on to their next target. Now they're pretending they're allies to us all while their arguments against this community are again just revealing that they're still the same aphobic pieces of shit who have only accepted aces and aros in a surface level way because it's no longer okay to treat us badly.

Like I am not kidding. Mspec-lesbophobia is just recycled aphobia. And I don't mean in the stupid "oh switch the words replace bi lesbian with asexual" logic way I mean actually reusing the same ideology and ideas. Like the idea that there are invader sexualities that are stealing resources from the actually oppressed people. Like the idea that you cannot have romance without sex and cannot have sex without romance. Like the idea that identities that are too "ridiculous" or "out there" or "don't make sense" need to be extinguished. Respectability politics ("ace culture is stupid and childish, the queer community will never be accepted if we let them be here" "bi lesbians make no sense, the queer community will never be accepted if we can't get our definitions in order"). Not accepting that a label might not have a perfect, one size fits all, short definition (orchids and cupios are both aspec despite being opposites). Denying experiences you don't understand off the bat and making assumptions about them ("Demisexuality isn't real you're just normal everybody feels that way" "bi lesbians aren't real you're just bisexual"). It's actually all the same

[whatshereforme]

Since watching the new season of heartstopper ive been playing around with labels again (which I haven’t done since a friend I trusted basically shut me down and told me I can’t just be something without having “tried all my options first” ew). I’m always scared to relabel or try identifying as something other than what I’m comfortable being because I feel like I owe everyone consistency

When I was 15 (I’m 21 rn) I came out as lesbian and honestly I was so comfortable with that and how people perceived me and I kinda loved how my male friends (which I had a lot of back then) treated me. The downside was how the black community treated me, I was mostly in the closet to them but the closet was very much transparent (they could always tell I wasn’t straight lol)

The year I turned 18 I started identifying as bisexual, largely because I thought I might like my male best friend. I proposed the idea and he asked me out almost immediately. We dated for exactly 7 days before I realized I wasn’t really into him like I thought. Downside to this era was the comments my male friends would make about “bisexual girls” to me. The only thing was that I was too scared to start identifying as lesbian again because I had come out to all my friends as bi already.

So I carried that label until now (a few people I know still think I’m probably lesbian still lol). The reason I felt comfortable in this label was because I had just turned 18. I went clubbing and did some excessive drinking for the past few years and being bi gave me an excuse to drunkenly make out with random men on nights out. I still don’t know how I feel about men to this day I guess (I’ve always known I’m romantically attracted to women but I’m always on the fence about men, it’s a bit weird)

My trouble came with the fact that I’m not keen on hooking up with people. No matter their gender I’m just not super excited about the concept of “intercourse” or any of the stuff that comes with it. When the last season of Sex Education came out I watched it with a friend and offhandedly made a joke about being ace in reference to one of the characters and she went “you can’t be ace you just haven’t had sex yet” and that literally sent me spiraling for days and I just pushed the feeling down and ignored it

Earlier this year though I was having one of my late night talks with my little sister because we had a sleepover in the living room. I made a joke about how I’m probably never gonna be in a relationship ever because I don’t really wanna have sex and she asked me if I was being serious. I said yes and she said “there will definitely be people out there that will be with you even if you don’t wants sex, you need to stop being such a dramatic bitch lol”. That was obviously really reassuring to hear someone I love tell me it’s ok to not want sex, even if that person is my straight 17 year old sister.

I’ve been very afraid of being openly asexual because I’m scared no one will love me if I can’t give them sex but also I know I’m capable of loving people without them giving me sex but that’s only because I don’t want sex in the first place. I just feel I will personally be unlovable.

Anyway back to heartstopper. Imogen’s journey with comp het was very much relatable for obvious reasons as I had gone through all that by that age (and am still deliberating to this day if I just crave male attention, which is sad I wish I was still as confident as I was at 16 to know but life took over lol) and of course Issac’s journey with dealing with the affects of being aroace in a world that revolves around romantic relationships and conditions us to believe we need to want sex and romance. I had already read solitaire, Loveless and Radio Silence when I was in secondary school. Radio silence was the first time I felt so utterly seen in a character. That being Aled Last (mostly relating in our similar relationships with our mums). And then I read loveless and it literally put me off kilter of months. To see Georgia’s journey had me reflecting on everything I was taught about relationships and sex and friendships (but then I had exams and graduation and had to put that self revelation on hold lol)

All this to say, I’m deciding from today that I want to identify as Asexual. I know labels can be limiting to some people and they have been to me for that past few years as well but I think being ace is something I have to go to be true to myself. I’m definitely not coming out of the closet anymore I’m too tired of thinking I owe that to people but I’m going to try be honest with myself.

[wellofdean]

Today’s debate going on in your asks is really making me feel validated. I have always read Dean as bisexual, even the very first time I watched the show in 2011? 12? It was so important to me as a, at that time, closeted bisexual myself. Because as you said, bisexuals can “play it straight.” We often need to so that we’re not attacked by straights and the LGBT+ community alike for “pretending” to “actually” swing one way or the other. Dean, of course, felt attacked by a completely different community, the straight, heavily macho hunter community, but both the text and subtext was clearly there.

Coming from a family that does not accept queerness of any kind, I completely identified with Dean and his, as Sam called out, over-compensating, his overwhelming demonstration of masculinity, his softness with children and women who did not display matching overwhelming femininity, his blustering when teased about such things. Dean also had to constantly defend himself in other respects. In his here-and-there school days, for example, he fought with others about how his dad was a hero, how he wasn’t a freak. Additionally, Sam was and always would be his first priority. His happiness and personal feelings were never not on the back burner. Sam came first. The mission came second. The victims third. His own health and wellness was so buried on the ladder of priorities it may as well have been the unnoticed rusty nail on a random rung.

All of which coincides with my high school experience. School came first. Then my part-time job. Then building friendships and pursuing that teenage “normalcy.” Then maintaining/appeasing family… Who cared about my personal inclinations? I certainly didn’t haven’t time to. Besides, that’s what your twenties are for, when you have the time, freedom, and maturity to explore while making smart, cautious choices while entering new communities and relationships.

Dean, however, didn’t have that time, freedom, or maturity. Yes, he grew up too hard too fast, but in a way that skipped over the development of interpersonal skills. He went straight from 5 to 45 under the ever-present, threatening and abusive command of his homophobic father. There was no other possible outcome for him other than a deeply closeted bisexual. And it’s always present, in his flirting with cops like the “Blue Steel” mugshot, in his dynamic with Victor Henriksen, in his flirting for Charlie, in his “gay thing” with Aaron (was that his name? It’s been a while).

Jensen plays Dean so, so well with so much depth and understanding and nuance. And at this point, the fandom at large just frustrates me (rather than infuriates as it did ten years ago when I was far more invested) in its denial and/or debate regarding his bisexuality because to me it’s perfectly clear.

Thanks for this ask, and from one invisible bisexual to another, I feel you. The story means a lot to me, too, and for similar reasons. I really relate to Dean in a lot of ways, and it makes me so sad when people say it's queerbaiting and homophobic, because I think not understanding your own heart, living for years outside of your own truth, and not getting over your bullshit until it's too late and having to live with the grief of that are quintessential bi experiences for A LOT of people. Dean makes me feel seen, and I wish such huge swathes of the fandom would just...watch it again and see that it's deeply queer -- it's just not the story they told themselves in their own heads.

[boydykedevo]

anyway my trans Devo headcanons:

He got a tonewheel for his birthday when he was 16, and that's where he learned what being queer was from Seldom's broadcasts. He identified as a lesbian pretty strongly for a while, but he always kinda knew that wasn't quite it. He was 17ish when he finally admitted to himself he was trans. (and once he started perceiving himself as a man more often, he realized he was bi -- he just hated the idea of being with a guy as a girl)

He's not a binary/monogender trans guy. BUT he is in heavy denial about it. He'll get there eventually...

Seldom gave him guy's clothes when he came to his school, but they're all very basic and colorless and boring. He was never a big fan of them. He didn't really come into his own with masculine presentation until Nermal's Pile; she lets him try out whatever he wants. He's still kinda feeling things out, but he's way happier and has a lot more fun with it now.

Hair length isn't strongly gendered in Founders' Wake, it’s more tied to practicality. Guidance always kept his at shoulder-length and never let him change it at all. He was growing it out after leaving, but after confronting Orlean in the infinite clam he had a breakdown and chopped it all off. Amber helped him tidy it up and he's kept it short ever since.

There's some sort of magic HRT in Founders Wake, but since magic is rationed he hasn't gotten on it yet. Seldom was helping him with it; he's on a waiting list.

His chest dysphoria used to be a lot worse, he did a lot of unsafe homemade binding back at the parish, which gave him chronic back pain. Seldom convinced him to stop and got him a proper binder. Even that he can't wear too often cuz of his pain. It sucked a lot at first, but he's started to make peace with his chest and his dysphoria isn't quite as bad. He still binds more than he probably should though.

He has a decent amount of bottom dysphoria, he packs pretty much constantly.

The name Damian is the one he first picked out when he was accepting himself, as a replacement for his birth name (not Devotion, the Cern one). But he started to really hate being called Devotion, and Devo was something he could spin as a nickname without raising suspicion. Guidance hated it and told people not to use it, but at least a few people did, so when it came time to pick a new name, he was attached enough to it he went with that instead of Damian Cern (also cuz his relationship with the Cerns is. complicated.)

(The Cerns do call him Damian, but Tolliver had no idea, he isn't exactly a part of family dinner. Last he heard he had some little sister who he’d never met. So when Devo was like "my real name is... Damian Cern" Tolliver's response was a cover for him internally going "what the fuck what the fuck since when do i have a relative named Damian hold on????? did i forget a cousin or something????????? oh my god this is humiliating" Devo does not clarify and Tolliver is too proud to admit to not knowing so it's a good couple weeks after that when he finally learns how exactly theyre related)

[vaspider]

Hey I saw on a reblog you made on a post, you said you had two wives! Bro I almost cried, I'm 20 (almost 21) and I've just flunked out of school, I'm getting my first full time job and I'm getting an apartment with my boyfriend and my other boyfriend had to stay home with his overbearing father. But he was going to join us in the apartment.

I didn't look at much else about your blog, so I don't know much else. My boyfriends aren't dating each other, but idk how I got so lucky for them to be instant best friends. I'm on the cusp of telling my parents, I don't think it'll be a huge deal, a sigh of overwhelming concern for my sake from my mother, and just plain confusion but "I'll accept and support you because that's what a good liberal father like myself is supposed to do" on my dad's end.

I was just excited to see other polyam people who might have a similar set up as me. Funny enough, the only issue between the three of us is that when it comes to eventually getting married, they both want to be my legal spouse. I live in the United States, so that's simply not possible. One of my boyfriends is a gay transman, and the other a straight cisman. I'm collecting every bi label possible (bisexual, biromantic, bigender, bicyclist) but I mostly identify as a woman and it's a strong part of my personhood. I look like a girl, I act like a girl, I was born a girl, etc. I've only been with both of them a handful of months now. They both really want to raise children and do a good job doing it, they both wanna live in the same part of the state I grew up in, I met them both on their way to well-paying job fields and they're both determined to take care of me like their Italian father's taught them a man should do. I came from a mother of a strong women lineage with a father who resented every ounce of his Italian upbringing. All three of us have mental health concerns and issues, trans gay bf has a list of mental illnesses and practically confirmed nurodivergencies. I'm very likely ADHD. The straight bf is a thick boned adrenaline junkie who doesn't understand what pain is (aka a masochist. the other doesn't understand what cold is 🙄😖. So maybe it's a good thing they both chose a little know-it-all who constantly nags them to make sure they're taking care of themselves, and somehow they don't really mind it.) is probably ADHD too, and struggles with depression.

My apologies for the absolute vent. Respond or don't respond however you will. Ig this is my first time interacting with a polyam person who might have a vaguely similar situation. I suppose I was just looking to connect with others. Thank you for your time to even read all for this lol.

Kynthia (idk let's just go with that online name lol)

Well, we are a triad - an equilateral triangle - and not a V, but I'm glad us existing made you happy. :)

[kitcatia]

There's something that really gets me about the enhanced tragedy of an AU where Arthur, Jack, Quincey, Lucy, Mina and Jonathan all are A functional and healthy polycule. The thought that they were perfectly happy and that everything would have worked out if Dracula hadn't interfered in their lives breaks my heart.

For clarification, this is my first time reading the book, but I got some spoilers (heard about certain movies and watched OSP's video months before I decided to join Dracula daily) and I keep imagining:

Given the fact that, at least so far, I perceive Lucy as the 'main poly' that connects her boyfriends and girlfriend; and despite the fact that Mina would also be poly and link Lucy to Jonathan, and even considering the possibility of some of the suitors dating amongst themselves…

The loss of Lucy would absolutely break the polycule. Sure, they'd be bloodshot and eager for revenge, but what comes next? I'd say that, even though they'd make all the effort to still be part of each others' lives, Lucy was the link that kept them all together. She was their reason to hang out and do things as a group and, without her, a lot of things they used to do together would simply not make sense anymore. I'm sure they'd manage to still be a great friend group, but everything would change so much, to the point that they barely can call themselves the same people that once composed such a happy and hopeful polycule.

(This is all a modern AU concept btw)

I love the idea of Mina struggling with her feelings because, see, she has known Jonathan since forever and she has loved him since they were kids. Jonathan is the best friend and best boyfriend any girl could have ever asked for.

But she's also known Lucy since forever and loves her very deeply. Their relationship is so intimate and so special. They love calling each other "my best friend". And yet… some lonely nights, when Mina rereads old messages where Lucy playfully joked that they are so overtly affectionate for one another that "someone that doesn't know them could easily suppose they are a couple", she can't help but wish that this hypothetical someone would be right in their supposition.

Both Lucy and Mina know themselves to be bi and have been out to each other for a while now, even though they are very secretive about the details of how they figured it out, since they were each others' awakenings and wouldn't want the other to know that.

Both of them would love to be together, but Mina also loves Jonathan and Lucy would never want to get in the way of such a lovely couple. Also, they're both terrified that a step too far could ruin the amazing friendship they already have.

Mina is also out as bi to Jonathan for sure. I like to think he'd get very emotional when Mina came out to him, because he knows, despite identifying as straight, how difficult this type of honesty can be.

Mina wishes there was a way to reconcile these feelings. She wishes that loving Lucy and loving Jonathan weren't mutually exclusive. And some night, after spending hours grading piles of tests, she just caved and decided to look up online resources on how she could possibly deal with a situation like hers.

After a lot of thorough research and a very long and sweet conversation with Lucy and Jonathan, the three of them come to the conclusion that there surely is a way for Mina to date both of them. Mina strikes me as the type of poly to have incredibly organized schedules and spreadsheets on how to reconcile her work life with spending time with her two partners. Lucy would start to figure out that she might be poly too and Jonathan, despite still being monoamorous, would be extremely supportive of his girlfriend and his metamour.

Eventually, Lucy starts getting along with Arthur and comes to the conclusion, after talking about it with Mina, that there is space for one more love in her life. Arthur takes some explaining as he struggles for a while to grasp the concept, but thankfully Mina still has the PowerPoint she made to explain it to Lucy and Jonathan. And it is a very comprehensive PowerPoint.

But then when Quincey and Jack come along, Lucy is a bit scared that this would be too much. Too much for her, for Arthur, for Mina, for Jonathan. Poor Jonathan! He will need to be briefed on so much when come back from his business trip!

When she sits down with her boyfriend and her two new friends, asking them very sweetly (I imagine Arthur holding her hand to give her courage) if they are familiar with the concept polyamory, Quincey's eyes widen and Jack blushes and looks down to fidget with his hands, as they are taken by surprise. Lucy's heart sinks all the way to her stomach. She knew she shouldn't have done this, that this was a dream too good to ever come true, that now she ruined her chances to have Jack and Quincey as good friends, that now they'll see her as a selfish weirdo. Arthur's grasp on her hand tightens, as if holding it more strongly would transfer some strength to Lucy.

But all of this tension quickly dissipates as Quincey's eyes go from surprised to delighted and Jack looks up smiling an awkward but ultimately happy smile. Arthur looks Lucy in the eyes and tells her he knew his friends wouldn't turn down the proposal of a girl as amazing as her.

Mina quickly receives a message and she is thrilled to hear she's getting not one, but three new metamours to befriend and with which to conspire about all the best ways to make Lucy happy.

She simply cannot wait to tell Jonathan about such exciting news! He really can't come back from his trip soon enough.