#like i am nice! but thats it. no one wants to talk to me beyond that because im also insufferably awkward and annoying | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

boysbeware2 · 17 days ago

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all the old tptm girl journal entries w the new (if anyone wants to see them again and compare them)

please proceed with caution as many of these could be upsetting to read

disposable girl (jordyn)

(old)

i cant fucking stand this. i try so goddamn hard to make friends, to be attractive to people, to be even somewhat appealing to them etc etc. it never works. i thought it would get better the older i get. thats what i was told. guess what! i was fucking lied to!!! im alwasy left out of EVERYTHING i never get invited to shit and my own friends ignore me all the time. everyone looks at me weird. i cant go in public anymore im so fucking terrified of everyone. nobody fuckinf wants me, man. im so close to doing something stupid i feel so gross and ugly and dumb i should actually just die id be doing everyone a favor LOL

(new)

man, i havent been on here in forever. the internet is kind of dumb. what is there to say? my friend group celebrated our outpatient graduation anniversary the other day, that was pretty nice. we’re all trying to figure out housing stuff, nora’s been helping with that. freyja + mayra + kairi found a place already (how are they so responsible??) and the rest of us are trying to find places near them so we can visit more often. i never expected to have such a big group of friends. if you told me 2 years ago that i’d be living like this, i wouldn’t believe you. it’s still surreal to me. i’m not sure what i did to deserve them. same goes for my girlfriends. i don’t wanna say who just yet, we’re still figuring things out, but i’m just so thankful for them. i feel so lucky to have a second chance at life. i really didn’t believe people when they said it would get better, and then it did. how funny…..

irreverent girl (kairi)

(old)

I do not want God to see me anymore. I do not want anymore eyes on me. This is near unbearable. I have no one to turn to. My mother is in the church. Many of my friends are in the church. They would tell me to find hope through Christ. They would tell me to pray to Him. They would tell me that He will save me. He must not remember He made me, and if He does, He simply does not care. I know this is unbecoming of me, and I don't mean to be dramatic. I am simply depressed, nervous, and I cannot tell what's real and what isn't anymore. I know I'm supposed to hear God speaking to me, but I do not, and I am tired of straining my ears. I just want to see a doctor. I want some kind of tangible solution. I do not want to pray anymore. Praying hurts. I only do it when I am afraid, but I am afraid much of the time. I don't want to be unheard anymore. I do not want to hold out hope for someone who does not act like they're there. I am hurting. I am hurting. I am hurting. Belief is hurting me. The idea of God is hurting me. I need an out. I am hurting.

(new)

When I have a job and money and I can move away from my shitty Mormon parents

splitter girl (tahira)

(old)

theres something so broken in me thats beyond saving. so i dont know why i keep trying to be saved. i meant to kill myself when i was 18. i didnt. all ive wanted to do lately is kill someone or something. i havent. im too much of a pussy to plan anything concrete, no matter how much i hate everyone around me. no matter how much i get off to videos of people dying or how much i love cutting myself i cant actually take action against other people. i am fucking purposeless. i was born from evil and i will always be evil and i cant even live up to that. i hate myself i hate myself i HATE myself and the universe hates me too. i dont know what to fucking do at this point. i talked to one of my friends about wantingto die and they said smthn about hospitalizing myself. maybe. i dunno. i dont know what else there is for me/. my eyes are fucking burning from lookign at my computer for so long adn not getting any goddamn sleep. i am not a good person. i dont think i can be helped but i just dont wanna fucking keep goign to school and being around people and pretending like everything is norma;l. i cant keep doing it. what the fuck is wrong with me whagt happened. why cant i be loved or feel love for other people when did something change in me that switched the aggression and affection parts of my brain. im hyperventilating ill be back. maybe

(new)

getting myself onigiri from this one good boba place 2nite bc im 8 months clean��… its the little things~ ^^

fainéant girl (freyja)

(old)

i know i dont hate being disabled... i just hate being disabled in a society that makes existing difficult... but sometimes i really just dont want to be disabled anymore. i dont want my family to lecture me about how i could be helping out more, or how i should get a job. i dont want teachers to keep asking me whats wrong or the fuckin uni counselor to try to get me hospitalized. i dont want to be in so much pain anymore, to feel so exhausted that i cant even do so much as prepare food for myself, let alone do anything meaningful or fulfilling. its not fair. i shouldnt have to stay inside and sit in the dark all day,. i should be able to have friends. to talk to people and to go out with them and to feel like i am alive. its lonely and traumatic to suffer through this and on top of that no one around me understands, and they never fully will. i am tired of trying to justify my existence to everyone, to explain the pain that i am in and why i shouldnt have to experience it. i know the problem isnt me. i know i live in a world that isnt built for me. but if the world cant change then sometimes i truly feel that i should just stop living in it. my lifespan is already shorter than everyone else's anyways. what difference does it make

(new)

my qpps didnt seem to appreciate me playing Alien Kids Alien Rap for them. Do they even love me

caliber girl (nora)

(old)

唉～It is 3 AM and I should go to sleep but I can’t. I have a work zoom meeting early in the morning and I gotta hit the gym also because I haven’t done leg day in like… weeks. Oh well, it doesn’t even matter. My value is depleting but I don’t think I care anymore. The turnaround date for my code is also in a couple of days and I haven’t made any progress. I keep getting the same error and I’m too tired to figure out what’s wrong. I might get fired at this rate LOL(笑). If that happens, I think I’ll just consider ending it all. Not that anybody will miss me. God I sound so weak and pathetic right now. When did it get like this. How did it get like this. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’ve been through worse before and this is nothing. Ugh, why is it so hard to breathe? My chest hurts and I feel like something is wrong but I don’t know how to make it go away. Should I call someone about this? No. No one is awake or around to help. I’ll be fine. I’ll just sleep it off. Shake it off… shake it off…

(new)

My Tamagotchi beeped during a meeting fml

chocolate box girl (morgan)

(old)

i thought i was doing better but i cant stop thinking about them. their touch, their interests, their smile, everything. the worst part is that i miss them, after all of what they've done to me. i was 13. i dont even feel justified calling it rape since our relationship was so muddy... they never yelled at me or was angry at me, they just got so sad when i tried to speak my mind, and got all my friends to hate me when we finally broke up. i never said no so i feel like im insulting actual survivors by feeling violated. i wasnt even trying to get into a relationship with them, it just happened... i feel like everyone around me wants me in the same way they did, even though im an adult now and i dont even try to make myself appealing. i wish i could trust people not to take advantage of me, and i feel disgusting and selfish for feeling like everyone has ulterior motives of getting me to fall in love with them, or worse. that's so self centered of me. i dont know how long i can keep doing this

(new)

girl help i cant stop looking at anime figures on japan yahoo auctions !!!!!

taxidermy girl (mayra)

(old)

I don't remember ever not having a sex drive, is that normal ? I was born and then it was all downhill from there, something happened to me sexually i think, I don't know what happened, because I don't remember much, but something happened and I was beaten for it and yelled at and my mother hated me, and now I am an adult and I try to have sex, and I'm not there mentally, even if my body is participating, I feel like I am in the past again, being beaten and yelled at . I want to keep trying, I want to have fun, to feel safe in someone else's arms, to reach the heights of pleasure, but my mind scares me so much, I haven't been able to eat anything today because I feel so horrified by my body . If I was good I would have been born as a nonsexual being, no parts, no desires, no instincts, a blank slate, too empty to be enjoyed . Do you know what it feels like, to have your mother tell you people want to sexually abuse you when you are a child, and then to be made fun of by your peers for being so ugly, to have your middle school and high school classmates joke about how much they don't want to have sex with you ? I am illicit and undesirable at the same time, I am everyone's last option, I am nothing and still too much, rotting deer meat on the side of the road . I wish I had been born as something beautiful and pure, I wish I could start over, that whatever that initial sin was had never been committed .. I want to start over

(new)

Went to a kink event the other night and everyone was so nice … The low lights were fucking with my vision so one of the hosts helped me navigate the place . I ❤️ you random disabled ally with a pup mask on

chemical girl (joy)

(old)

LMAOOOOO im too angry and miserable to be around. i think i just need to give up at this point because theres clearly like. something broken inside me that cant be fixed. that has 2 be it because i try to talk and i just sound cold, i try to make a joke and it comes out overly edgy and unfunny, i try to be like everyone else but its too much. i cant even be a collection of the positive traits i see in others, i try to replicate it and it comes out warped and wrong. im either fucking enraged or in abject misery or way too happy and nobody can keep up with me. the thing is i dont even blame them. i wouldnt want to be around me either. do u know what thats like? being someone you wouldnt want to know? i keep hoping that one day ill wake up and suddenly be normal, the mood swings will be gone and everyone will like me and i wont do stupid shit that pisses them off. but i know that day isnt coming. theres no hope for me and i want to say sorry to everyone who has ever had the misfortune of knowing me but i know it wouldnt do anything. theres nothing i could ever do to make myself right

(new)

i need to convince my gf to take me to Round One again soon

refraction girl (nataana)

(old)

i don't want to do this anymore. i'm going somewhere better

(new)

talked with my psych and i’ll be starting TMS soon, it’s some thing where they put magnets to ur brain and it’s supposed to treat depression.. trying to temper my expectations bc i’ve tried so many treatments that just do nothing for me, but i’d be lying if i said my hopes weren’t riding on this. i want to confidently say i’m glad to be alive. i feel like i’m getting closer to that

nurse parallel/machine girl (xiomara)

(old)

I am so excited... Tomorrow my experimental outpatient treatment plan begins!!! I'm beyond delighted. I have complicated feelings about my DID being in remission, but it's nice to feel stable enough to be in charge of something this big, and to not have terrible gaps in my memory anymore. I still don't remember everything that happened to me, but maybe I don't need to. At this stage of my life, I feel content. I can confidently say everything was worth it. I want to help others feel that way, too. I think I can.

(new)

I’m meeting up with a new friend tomorrow… I feel nervous, but it’s a good nervousness, I think!

#the post traumatic manifesto #tptm #refraction girl #weevildoing #splitter girl #nurse parallel #chocolate box girl #chemical girl #disposable girl #faineant girl #irreverent girl #taxidermy girl #caliber girl

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nrdmssgs · 2 years ago

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Little things, they do 2 (Price, Ghost, Gaz) (headcannons)

Masterlist

Part 1 (Alex, Soap, König) here

Little things, they do, that get you every time. Silly, warm, heart-melting, wholesome things.

Captain John Price

Knuckle kisses. That's it.

Praises you not only when you succeed, but also when you fail. “I know, you tried so hard, love. This doesn't make you lesser. You don't have to prove anything to me. I'm proud of you. You're enough.”

Compliments you at the most random times. You've just woken up with an absolute mess on your head, or you walk around the house in old faded sweatpants and a dirty T-shirt because the rest of the clothes are being washed? John takes your hand, brings it to his lips and whispers "You are incredibly beautiful." or “How did an old git like me ended up with the most gorgeous, hottest human being out there?”

He has this habit of going behind your back and leaning close to your very ear while telling you something. Maybe he just likes to feel you close and uses it as an excuse, maybe he wants to “envelop” you in a way, hide you from the whole world, sharing his knowledge, feeling, how interested you are in a topic.

One of those people to actually use paper and envelopes, that some hotel still provide their rooms with. You get these long 3-5 page letters from different corners of earth every now and then. They can be absolutely platonic - he can literally describe, what he's seen or overheard on the streets lately or rant about how he wants to hear seabirds voices, but they are interrupted by the unceasing roar of engines and roadworks here… But you see it: every line screams “I love you. I freaking love you so much, it's almost 4 am here, and I'm still wide awake, because I need to write to you, to communicate in any way that will be safe for you.”

Simon Ghost Riley

He is no stranger to triggered stress or panic. So if you have any phobia, and he finds out about it - he starts protecting you from its triggers. Let's say, you're scared of spiders and scorpions. Even a picture of one can absolutely freak you out. Simon goes above and beyond to shield you from any type of appearance of these creatures in your life. In summer, he'll escort and even tiniest spider out of your apartment, before you see it.

He even shares a googledoc with trigger warning time codes for every piece of media, you wanted to see. Even if it's a long series - he just checks every episode of it on a fast rewind and writes you, if it's fully safe to watch or not.

Ghost has a wealth of experience in dealing with insomnia and is willing to help you, if you come across this issue. Just don't hesitate to ask - he is ready to spend all the night helping you out. Will definitely start with pressing your back to his chest and guiding you through a breathing exercise.

If you had a bad day and dropped him a message - he`d surely call you as soon as he can to talk you through everything that happened and soothe you.

“I`m always there for you, you know?” “I know, Simon…” “No, thats not the way, we do that.” “...” “Come on. Say it.” “I remember, ok?” “Say. it. I need you say it out loud.” “You are always there for me, no matter what.” “And?” “... and I can call or text you any time and you'll reach back asap.” “Good job. I'll call you again before you go to sleep.”

Despite his ascetic way of life, he likes nice things and gradually accustoms you to the same preferences.

It all starts with tea. One day, you go grocery shopping together. You walk between the rows of shelves while Simon stays by your cart. Returning to the cart, you find him skeptically examining the box of tea you dropped into the cart earlier. "What is this?" "It's tea, Simon, stop pretending you can't read." Ghosts gaze eloquently demonstrates his attitude towards this product. "It's trash." He pulls out a simple but elegant box from the top shelf. "This is tea." You try to convince him that with the money spent on that "good" box, you could drink tea all year, but he is relentless. Simon ends up buying the tea himself and brewing it at your place. When you first try it and roll your eyes in pleasure - he smiles contentedly. “Told you.”

Kyle Gaz Garrick

“Babe this is delicious, wanna try it?” - say yes and firstly he will kiss you. You absolutely need to try that ice cream, his tongue is just a nice bonus. Ofc shares his food with you afterward.

One of the most supportive human beings out there. Encourages every your hobby, hella proud of you and not shy to demonstrate it. “Have you heard her singing? RNs got a voice of a songbird!” “Kyle, please, I just went to a few vocal lessons and learned like… 2 songs.” “Those are my favorite ones from now on, love.”

If you work from home, he'll walk into your room randomly (but only when he is 100% sure, you're not on the call), sit beside you and just stare silently at you. Ask him, what's up, and he'll give you a quick kiss on the forehead and walk away grinning.

Slow dances with you on streets, when you two pass by street musicians. Doesn't care if everybody looking, even if someone pulls out a phone and starts filming this wholesome scene. It's only you in Kyles hands, that matter right now to him.

If you have a pet - he definitely becomes its new dad. When Kyle is around - your four-legged friend absolutely forgets about your existence, because Gaz is an expert in best scratches!

By the way, your pets birthday is now Kyles official holiday!

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alonetogether · 2 years ago

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dude they literally had FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS do you not SEE... half doomed semi sweet... boys next door out of assholes.... SATURDAY TRADITION SPANNING 20 YEARS AND COUNTING... me and pete in the wake of saturday..... pete and i.... we’re like one guy in a band.. when we swim we swim together... i will shield you from the waves if they find you (cue the bad folie concerts where pete stands in front of patrick to stop him getting hit by glowsticks/bottles/etc)..... and its always a joy when i get to help pete tell his (story)... patrick is an ipod full of my favorite songs.. stumptown, population: pete wentz... we go together like pb&j or like the descendants and metallica... i will never end up like him behind my back i already am keep a calendar this way you will always know..... and in the end id do it all again i think youre my best friend... patrick is the good looking cute as a button guy in the middle there... when i want patrick to sing in my ear i call him on the phone and he does it.... when pete sends me words its like christmas morning...p steezy and p weezy... me and patrick finish each others sentences... there is some connection thats beyond (him and patrick)... nice butt i mean work... he’s kinda my other half... i dont think pete sees himself as a bass player, he sings through me... if you could be any superhero who would you be: patrick stump... YOU ARE MY BEAUTIFUL LITTLE CABBAGE / I LOVE YOU A THOUSAND TIMES... we would have been friends cause i dreamt him... this was the name of the ship my grandfather served on in the 50s (uss stump) / the universe is always talking - sometimes you just gotta listen to it... MORE THAN AN HOUR!!!!

#like im sorry you have a kiss on stage for the gaybait but do you have 20+ years of endless devotion. unending friendship. literal soulmate #ism? like im sorry to say but it aint real if you kiss. anyone can do that. :nails:#< this is not serious this is all fun and games beloveds

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scuderiafemboy · 2 years ago

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f1 lestappen database nini edition

notes: number 1) this can get outdated super easily… number 2) i also dont know how to link content as i dont use tumblr alot but upon request im remaking my twitter thread here number 3) im not putting the races in chronological order as im quite lazy

at the 2019 japanese gp, max and charles hit eachother into turn two.

max after the race on the crash:

“i just dont get it. there was no need to risk so much in turn two. cause at the end of the day, both of us had to pit.”

2019 austrian gp, 3 laps left into the race max overtook charles and won the grandprix.

charles at the postrace pressconference:

“as i said, ive done exactly the same thing from the first and the second lap so i didnt expect any contact on the second lap. as max said, i think he braked a little bit deeper. i dont know if he lost it or not but then there was the contact. i felt like i was quite strong in traction. on the first attempt i managed to have better traction and have my position. on the second one i couldnt do that cause i was off track.”

2019 silverstone gp, the race right after austria. max and charles closely battled for 10 laps straight

charles during the postrace press conference:

“the best move was probably the one on max, on the outside in copse, i think he just passed me and i passed him back around the outside of copse. i think that was definitely was one of the most exciting (moves) of the race… of my race!”

2020 sakhir gp, charles crashed into checo, forcing max to go wide and then also crash

max post race:

“i respect charles alot, hes a great driver but i think today was a bit too much. he asked me “what happened?” and i say “what do you mean “what happened” you crashed into sergio and i have to go around”. i think he will look back at the footage and i hope he will understand that that was maybe a bit too aggressive. which is a shame.”

charles on the beyond the grid podcast 2021, talking about his rivalry with max:

“its the same (their rivalry) at the moment its obviously a little bit deminished because i can not fight against him, unfortunately. but if you look at the fight in silverstone 2019, i think you can understand theres quite a bit of competition and its always been the case. i mean its nice; we have grown up together in karting weve been always fighting eachother and now we find ourselves again in formula 1. so its great and i cant wait to put the team back were it deserves to be and fight against max for the title.”

monaco gp 2021, during Q3 charles crashes which means max cant set a laptime

max postrace interview:

“he just clipped the wall initially and ended up where ive ended up twice [laughs] so its just unfortunate. ofcourse i am disappointed not to have a shot at pole but thats life, you know. sometimes you cant do it. i mean its fine, i dont think his lap should be deleted in the future if they want to make rule changes. i dont that would be fair.”

charles instagram post after the 2021 silverstone gp yes i am counting it too:

max saying he prefers his rivalry with charles over the one he has with lewis, 2022

max to sky italy:

"i prefer what we have now because, first of all, charles i know very well, hes a nice guy, we are a similar age… on saturday night, we even had a laugh in paul ricard... we are hard competitors on the track and we will always try to beat each other, which i think is very normal, but outside of it you can have a good time as well, and thats what i really enjoy about this year."

max debunking that charles never forgave him for austria 2019 and racing together with him, 2022

max in a video interview:

"i never speak about these things with other drivers, i mean, it happens. ive lost wins as well, and its not the end of the world, you move on. i think charles is one of the most talented drivers in formula 1, and he will win many more races… i would say back in the day it was a little bit more difficult, but also we were very young and growing up and you are fighting for the same goal, right? now that youre in formula 1, i think it is really different. you are representing really big brands. so we get on very well now. we can have a good chat and enjoy our battles, and i think thats very nice. knowing each other for such a long time helps. weve spent so much time together, in a way."

2022 hungarian gp, max told the hungarian press he understands charles his frustration after the 2022 french gp

max to the hungarian press:

“everyone handles that (their disappointment) in a different way. some people need to reflect on it like that. at the time youre still a bit emotional from what just happened and maybe become a bit too emotional, but thats fine, people should be emotional, they should show their emotions."

charles on fighting with italian site corriere della sera, 2022 this is not an official translation sorry but i can link the source

charles:

“i like to deal with max, we have a similar level of aggression. we have fun, with respect. im not saying that last year there was no respect between max and lewis, but it seemed like a different duel than ours. but if we were to get to the end of the championship very close in points, the situation would be much more tense than it is now.”

max, also for corriere della sera in 2022

max:

“i have known charles since we were five years old, we are of the same generation and we grew up challenging ourselves on the track.”

max to viaplay, 2023 after charles crashed during Q3 of the miami gp, meaning he couldnt set a time and had to start from P8 (this is a livetranslation of mine post qualifying, so the quote isnt 100% spot on but you get the gist)

max:

“the red flag was annoying, but it happens on streetcircuits. it just sucks, i will have to cope and move on.”

monaco gp, charles had an interview with canal+ for its 10 year anniversary with formula 1. he got asked to name 10 drivers hes the closest with

charles:

“pierre without a doubt, carlos, lando, george, alex albon, yuki, lewis, max aswell eventhough most people dont think its the case but it is! esteban, and lance.”

this is it for now, i am a bit tired but thank the tumblr lords you can change posts later on so i can update it with ease later on. enjoys besties 🫡

#f1 #formula 1 #max verstappen #verstappen #scuderiafemboy #charles leclerc #leclerc #lestappen #1633 #ferrari #redbull racing #making this drained the life out of me #im so tired #but this is for the people who wanted it #live laugh love lestappen #oh right happy pride month besties

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aclickbaittitle · 7 months ago

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Live blogging of the Podcast Jam's Pilots (Part 1):

First of all, I want to say congratulations to everyone who participated. Making a podcast is hard, making one with a time limit, through the internet, improbable but somehow possible.

1° The Ichorus Rot

I was so excited for this project and it did not dissapoint but went above. I was expecting something like the first few episodes of TMA, where Theodorus would read their findings and that would be it, but the team went ahead and produced a full-on radio play with 4 (?) voiced characters. That's incredible. I felt like I got a great introduction to each characters, and if you asked me to describe the personality of each I could. The sound design is gorgeous (i have so many questions of how they made that happened) and with the incredible soundtrack it puts you right in the setting and most importantly the mood.

It reminded me a bit of Sherlock Holmes, but with the great twist of making the detective a doctor.

There's just this one bit, I do understand the distortion as Theodore is talking into the recorder but it is a bit hard to understand (especially if you don't have headphones). This is just to say, I am asking for a transcript.

2° Beyond Repair

Oh no, doctor AIs. I really like the time they take to describe the ship, the camera/monitor details. Again I am astonished at the fact that this is again like an (radio) audio play.

What used to be canada? (What happened to canada!? Did it fell along with western civilazation, but then why is Italy still kicking?).

Oh shit, the AI has turned against them. Poor AI, I bet it is over worked.

I also really like the concept of a wellness cruiseship, because it allows a nice excuse to really get inside the characters mind.

3° The Garden of Baffling Beats

The audio is a bit low.

Uuu. Recent management change? Interesting.

Hey, give the Baseliks their own article piece, love the detail that they are shy.

Carnivorous cats!? That checks out. The journalist wants to pet them, jeje.

Also, werewolves? I love werewolves!

Really liked all the work that came in building the garden.

Aww, thanks for the shoutout.

4° World Fuse

Dont remember the name of the MC, but I too, repeat my order in my mind and then messed it up.

Aarush, thats their name. Also, Harlequeen August? (That is a statement name).

Yeah Aarush, no one trust the goverment for a good reason. So funny Queen and Aarush just started fliriting (?).

Is Queen an independent detective?

Idk if I like Indigo, but I am very intrigued by her. Aaa, candy is a lawyer. That explains things.

Wow, Queen, Aarush, stop fliritng, it is too funny.

Wait, queen is the fuse? I didnt really payed attention to the first exposition lines.

Aww, this very creepy voice is very protective, that is sweet.

I really like that most of the episode took place in a coffee/flower shop.

5° The Block

I really like the music.

Not gonna light the eq/reverb effects make it a bit difficult to understand.

Also, space, aliens, Tamareans!? Podcasting. I really like how podcasting is taboo in their culture, thats so funny.

Hey princess, stop being so harsh. You are alive arent you, dont matter if it is cartoonish.

Velma, he of the four trails and well known peneaut allergy. That is such a title, love it.

Humanoid form? They have humans!?

I really like the radio/cable format, is great to be able to jump between stories of very different moods.

I like the bear. I will watch the movie.

Ahg, re-runs. Donovan, you are the mentors of mentors.

I do hope they stick around. I did not understood half of it, but I loved it. Did i mention how good is the sound desing and the music. Amazing.

6° Schrödinger's Pledge

Oh good, water desing, its so cool. The sound design is so coool.

Better question, what is a sororety and a fraternity, and do I have those at my college? (I really hope not).

Uuu, they are childhood friends (?) Acuantainces (however you spell that word).

Love that Helen will jump in a pool just because.

Jared is like a good jock ?? Idk, but I like him.

Mentaly disturbed, such a weird way to say it. Oh shit, the ableism.

Her mom was a part of this sororety, thats so interesting.

Uuuuu, its through a line-phone that you contact the dead? So cool.

Also I really like how you could feel the Sority (?) lider walking around the room.

I am curious about how Helen's mom died. Uh, she died in the river and Helen jumps into a pool.

Oh no, poor Helen.

Oh, not her mom, ohhhh. Shes not dead...yet.

Okay, props to whoever desing this. So much water, its amazing.

Ohhh, and back to the begining, really nice circle.

Oh, toxic female friendships! Toxic female friendships!

Whoever sound-design this, please tell me your secrets.

Pagan Dupount, thats such a name. *A legacy must be paid*.

Wait, isnt Dupount also the name of the evil queen in miraculous? (Sorry).

Is Helen now going to be the Queen Bee? Jared is like "I have contacts".

As someone who loves the dark side of academia, I am in love with this. (Even if I still dont understand how fraternities work, like really, does anyone?).

7° Gavin's Window: Lost and Found

Right into the *ambience*.

"Is there a gift shop in the train station?" Asking the good question.

I really like how the sound design pulls you into the rttpg, like normally I dont listen to actual play or d&d stuff, but I think that this is a good getaway for me.

So Gavin is the GM. That is interesting.

Awww, I really like this candle story.

Uuuu, I want to know what Gavin saw. Are they human?

WAIT! POST CREDIT SCENE, POST CREDIT SCENE!!!

#podcast jam #audio drama #audio fiction #the ichorus rot #beyond repair #world fuse #garden of baffling beasts #The Block #Schrödinger's Pledge #Gavin's window

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kasaneteto · 9 months ago

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ok i need some opinions

so i had the talk with my roommate about not wanting to sign another lease with him. that’s all fine and good he understands why we can’t be roommates anymore but the problem is he doesn’t want to let me be the one to stay at this apartment because he claims he can afford to live here by himself. i don’t really believe him but its neither here nor there because i know i can only afford to live here if i rent with two other people.

my reasons for wanting to keep living here are: i can walk to work, its going to be really hard to find another place that allows TWO cats, my cats are CRAZY and this apartment is perfect for them (lots of windows for passive engagement + a loft area for them to get up in), i have a LOT of plants because the place gets a lot of natural light, to find another place that would support all of these plants will be difficult. & in addition to all of that - my name is on all of the utilities + the WiFi. because he is too irresponsible to take initiative with anything. in a worst case scenario I would be able to move back in with my parents, but that would mean moving to the country where i would be completely isolated and would have to quit my job.

his reasons for wanting to keep living here are: he was the one who found the apartment & he can afford to live here on his own, and he doesn’t want to move. if he has other reasons beyond those he hasn’t told me what they are.

ive known he was a selfish person for years. i mean ive completely given up on ever asking him for a favor because he acts so burdened by it, if he even is willing to do it at all. its my belief that his selfishness is a trauma response due to his upbringing, but yknow, i can only tell the guy he needs therapy so many times before i have to give up to save my own energy. but i can’t help but feel like i deserve this apartment way more than he does. im the one who’s been taking care of it and keeping it nice for us. im the only one of us who’s in any way responsible. so for him to be so hostile about me wanting to stay (he got really defensive about it) hurts me a lot. i want to believe that he’s a good friend but I don’t feel like a good friend would see me move out of an apartment that’s perfect for me just because the alternative would make his life harder. he hasn’t been a good friend for a while so why am i still pretending he is?

so should i tell him all of these feelings? im worried that its going to come across as emotional manipulation. because like… i can’t lie, my main reason for wanting to tell him all of this is so i can stay here and he’ll move out. its hard to not feel like a hypocrite calling him selfish when thats my deepest motivation. but its not my only motivation, i truly do believe that erik is unaware of this behavior of his and that he WANTS to be a good friend, and i wonder if me being honest with him is the wake-up call he needs in that regard? idk. i just want to be a good friend while also standing up for myself. its hard to navigate stuff like this.

so uh. should i tell him i think he’s being really selfish about this? and that ive noticed a pattern of selfish behavior in him? be honest if im being a dickhead about this too and should just give up the place to him like if thats he truth i wanna hear it. it would just kill me to see his irresponsible ass bite off more than he can chew and lose this place, esp since the rate we’re renting at is the 2021 housing rate like its gonna be SO much more expensive to find a place this nice in the current housing market 😭

#txt #pls help #give me ur honest thots #im gonna talk to my therapist about this too but i wan unprofessional opinions as well #RM SAGA

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homosexualasstransbian · 11 months ago

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im transfem/nonbinary and honestly the whole cutesy uwu anime girl puppy girl aesthetic is making me feel ill. i recently got harrassed by a cis woman chaser who saw the transflag in my bio and started talking to me in this really weird overly cutesy way and started flirting with me, i told her im taken and not interested and this is weird and she said something like "oki u silly transie, if u ever need a girly to do something for you im here, cuz nornal girls are boring" and then the next day she sent me some image of some anime girl w/ the caption "im not like other girls, i have a massive cock" and asked "this u?" and she was so weird and gross and overly cutesy. and like the fact im trans is part of me and im proud of it but i want to be seen as me, as a person, as smthn beyond arbitrary boxes. thats why im nonbinary, i dont wanna be forced into some made up vague perception of how i have to be and instead just be me and do my own thing. i dont label my sexuality either but im pretty sure im like pretty aromantic. greyromantic or whatever its called. and my sexuality i kinda tie together with my romantic attraction, so its often incredibly odd to me how prevalent sexual language and stuff is online and how weirdly its treated as smthn normal, especially in more queer communities. and when i feel terrible and get support online, ppl will say ooo ur pretty ooo ur cute dont be sad and downplay it when i need someone to talk to qnd need to be acknoledged beyond how i physically am, it makes me feel rlly objectified and like my only value is in the fact that i am trans and how i look, and its my only thing and the only way ppl refer to me and boil me down to. but i dont want to be some cutesy meme girl, i want ppl to acknowledge me and what i do and like and love and enjoy and hate and dislike and think and say, i want to be seen and understood regardless of and beyond my transness. because im a raw, living breathing human person thats infinitely complex, and i just wanna be me and do what i enjoy. i dont want my personality boiled down to superficial aspects of me that exists solely because outside society needed a label for it to ostrasize or fetishize it. im sorry for the long rant its just rlly frustrating, especially when you try to find communities and its just so weirdly sexual and condescending and objectifying 😭

hey unfortunately, i do not have the mental capacity to be able to read all of this and actually respond to it, i just lose 80% of the ask once I'm finished reading, so I'll just say: damn fuck that cis bitch.

While i get that after your experiences this "aesthetic" might make you feel ill, i really don't see why i should be told this.

I do not choose the way i present to other people because it's what i feel i should look or act like, i act however feels good to me. the reason my blog looks like this is because, put simply, i like it.

I may not be just a puppy, girl or gay, in fact the most accurate way to describe me would be "thing that should not be alive as far as anyone knows, but it persists, it's also a puppy that is a girl, a robot, a void and divine flesh"

but i go with my current aesthetic, username, and whatever else because they're the descriptions I'm most confident in, they make me feel nice, i love them.

I am quite literally a tranny girl faggot that acts like a puppy sometimes.

Sometimes i feel like I'm a shattered vessel built of divine flesh that's empty and yet so completely full.

Sometimes i wish my flesh melted away, permanently fusing me with the outer shell of a mech.

None of my identities are fully separate or stable, but they also feel distinct enough that i only choose one at a time (and even then sometimes they can split apart).

I don't act like this because i wanna be "haha silly cute trans girl that's an adorable puppy and is so so overly sexual", it's just what i act like, in general, if I don't worry about pretending to be someone else.

I guess put simply: if you don't like me: fucking leave, block me, get rid of me, i won't hold it against you, I'll continue to do what i like, the way i like doing it, because this is my blog.

i forgot where i was going with this post, y'all just get this really long one i guess.

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suffarustuffaru · 8 months ago

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Okay, this is a random request, but Sean Chiplock (Subaru voice actor for the English dub) is gonna be at a comic con I’m going to in 2 days and I want to get an autograph but I haven’t decided yet what quote to get along with the signature.

So what are your fav re:zero quotes said by Subaru (that I could realistically get written on a print)?

I’ve only just started reading the light novels as well (though I am tempted to get “you are an amazing guy, Natsuki Subaru”, because I know the context of the scene even if I haven’t read it yet ahaha) but since it’s the dub voice actor it’d probably make more sense to get a quote he’s actually already voiced (and since season 3 isn’t out yet).

So anyway, now I’m just rambling, but any suggestions?

YOOOOOO i hope you have fun at the con anon!! :DD and i hope you get to see other rezero fans there if that is something you want. !!

im definitely fond of the rezero dub and sean chiplocks performance as subaru is one of the standouts fr. and of course the "youre an amazing guy" quote is SO GOOD i hope youve had a good time with reading the light novels :o but trueee gotta save that quote for After season three...

alright so i have some quotes for you :3 you can shorten them or paraphrase them or something as you see fit <3 i tried hard to find quotes by like. googling. or consulting fellow rezero mutuals. or by pirating rezero english dub HAH

"My name is Subaru Natsuki! Not only am I totally clueless, but I'm also broke beyond compare! Nice to meet ya!" / "My name is Subaru Natsuki, son of Kenichi Natsuki! I can do anything, and I will do anything! 'Cause your son's just that awesome!" this is The quote of all time fr.

"Take care." :,))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) not directly from subaru but like We All Know the significance of this quote + its easy to write down ;-;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

"Tell me your name." / "I want you to tell me what your name is." this is from @eiese who is fucking hilarious so like. this is the quote for when subaru asks for emilias name at the end of arc 1 right? so just. imagine this quote... next to chiplock's signature... HAH....

"Let's start from zero!" not a quote thats always said by subaru of course across the many rezero media but it is just So Iconic :,)))) <333

"I will always believe in you." / "Believe in you." so simple but so real <3

"No matter how silly it is, you can talk about tomorrow because you have a tomorrow."

"As long as I have life, all I can do is fight with all my might."

"You are demonically inspired!" not necessarily a subaru line but it is similarly subaru related and iconic imo <3

"Choose me." :,)))))))))

"If bringing happiness to other people is one of the main reasons you wanna work so hard, then let your number one help you." <3

"Emilia - I am your knight. Yours and yours alone."

"Who says dunderhead these days?" a silly one but <3

"What happens in the beginning or middle isn't what matters. It's the end that counts." said by naoko and said again by subaru ;-;;;;;;

anyway thats all the quotes i came up with alsdjfl if i come up with more before your con ill reblog this pfft. i hope these helped or at least gave you ideas!! have a good time at your con once again :o

#ask #rezero #re:zero

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dragon-tummy · 3 months ago

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3 am, almost 4 am, rambles.

Dunno why but my weed brain really really REALLY wants dragon Thoma. So I'll be talking about him.

Vore wasn't my focus for this, I'm just tryin to flesh out ideas that sound nice to me. I might add more to this later.

Probably poorly written but I'll find out when I wake up.

For aus where I make characters monsters, dragons are my first thought for him. My dragon aus offer two forms beyond human, either (cen)taur or feral. It gives me a chance to make interactions with characters of varied sizes and worldbuilding opportunities.

Thoma would be pretty averagely sized, if just a bit more lithely muscled than other dragons. The term kobold comes to mind, but its more of a mean nickname to smaller dragons. Soft fluffy body. Scales dotted down the back break up the fur, a surprisingly unbalanced amount of fur to scales. His pyro doesn't seem to burn his fur, so it's not that big of a problem.

He trails after Aether, Ayato, and Childe often. The desire to tend to tasks for a dragon he sees as hard working and amazing is a strong one, his loyalty and eagerness to please leading him. Probably more characters like Neuvillette, Zhongli, and Ningguang but my brain is too squashed for many ideas.

He and Yoimiya tend to be saving a lot of regular humans from the chaos of Inazuma's varied dragon population. Because it's impossible to tell a kind dragon apart from a mean one, most humans don't know if a dragon is safe or not until its within reach.

Put me in tummy. Now.

Pyro themed stomach, a red to orange-yellow gradient. There's a magma pattern similar to that of a the underwater light pattern. Hard to explain like this, but it's the light u see on the ocean floor/distance n stuff.

Taur form, he holds people bridal style when awake and over the shoulder when asleep. There's the other option of uh... eating. But thats not special to a singular form.

Dragon ears are dog-like, one ear folded. Soft dragon paws and paw pads.

Dog-like habit of drooling when excited and licking others affectionately. The latter has gotten him into one too many weird situations with a smaller person. It's not his fault he gets overly eager! He just wants to have them as close as possible in his excitement. And that means in the mouth they go.

Aether is the person that has to listen to his rambles abt his day. Idly talking about a new recipe he tried making alongside chores done and things seen. Pair that with him doing something in taur form, he's bound to knock something over in his distraction. Surprisingly well balanced until he's set on a single goal, at which point he's very clumsy and unaware.

Big wings and feathery accents to indicate Mondstadt origin. Leans into the sky-related traits also including aerodynamically shaped horns and wider chest/ribs for larger lungs.

#genshin impact vore #goober's rambles #gi vore

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bastardrobocop · 11 months ago

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not being funny, not being melodramatic i hope, but i feel like the last year has broken me in a lot of ways. 2023 i mean. i watched a long term relationship disintegrate in my hands until the ultimate betrayal of my trust and safety. i was so stressed and so fucked up all the time.

and now like, i can feel im withdrawing from my friends, im engaging in unhealthy behaviors i will not specify here, despite it all im more lonely than ive ever been, my hobbies are starting to feel like dust in my mouth, and while i'm not actively suicidal, the thought isnt far from my mind in that nasty intrusive thought sort of way.

there are nice things. i have the place to myself. the bed to myself. its quiet. but i feel like ive exhausted the amount of patience people have with me talking about what ive gone through. and as is the nature of things i dont feel as though ive built character or come through hardened. i feel mad. hurt. i want to hurt xer back somehow. take something back because something was taken from me. i feel like i have no recourse. god knows if xe'll hurt someone like xe hurt me again. but thats not even my primary motivation. i just hate feeling like theres nothing. no justice. no satisfaction. nothing that makes being raped a more tolerable experience, which is a silly thing to say. but you understand, right? like, sure i could post somewhere highly visible "In December of 2023 well known SCP Wiki author UraniumEmpire sexually assaulted me" but like what would that accomplish? it sure would put me under a microscope. its a surreal sentence too. hard to explain why. maybe its ultraminor celebrity combined with knowledge that inevitably it can just be denied and nobody will listen.

you know before now i never really noticed how much people fetishize sexual assault? "CNC" and the like. i dont care for it. i dont think they know. its frustrating as an adult online trying to navigate adult spaces. i know its an odd topic, but im fully stream of consciousness right now. i'll see something and it hits me in the gut and so i block the user or close the thing or leave the discord call. yet another addition to the list of things that make my tastes so exacting.

i feel like i should come to some overall point but the only thing coming to mind right now is just 'i hate this'. and i do. i hate this so much. i'm crying a lot more. at stupid things. weird things. memories. dreams. this post. the funny thing is that despite it all, despite the content, despite everything, i hope people read it. i like feeling like i exist. i like feeling real to other people. reminding folks that im not just a joke machine. i have an internal world. i have had a life that's lead me here and despite advantages it has not been good.

did i ever talk about how my high school graduation went? odd digression, bear with me. i feel like its emblematic of how things typically go for me. it's the day i graduate high school. i come downstairs to find my mother on skype with my kansas family. my grandfather is dying. they put him on skype. i watch him die over skype. after sitting alone for some time, i tell my parents i do not want to go through with high school graduation. i am forced to regardless. it is the most miserable day of my life. nobody listens to what i need in the moment. i go through with it, and then we are all shepherded to some kind of entertainment center. for reasons i cannot fathom, we are not allowed to leave for a couple hours. enforced fun time. they bring a stage hypnotist. i sit in silence and watch his antics. i get up and ask one of the people supervising us if i can leave now. they finally say yes. my mother takes me home. she asks if i have a nice time. i say of course i didnt. we drive home in silence.

i have have very rarely felt understood. very rarely felt like i was built to exist in the world. i feel as though i have an expiration date beyond the obvious one. i have grown older and watched people i know operate normally in the world and wondered how they do it. it never clicked for me. autism, transness, otherings. experts looked at me, told me i needed accommodations. never really got them, or they didnt help.

this is getting too long. i asked myself partway through if this was a suicide note but concluded that it wasn't. this is primarily because im scared if i die, they'll separate my cats. adopt them to different homes. they're best friends, they should not be kept apart. i love my cats, even when they're breaking shit and tearing open trash bags.

final paragraph. this whole post thing is probably going to sound embarrassing to me when i have hindsight on it. oh well. i am going to hit the post button now.

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paint-lady · 1 year ago

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🖊 + Maru!

Send me a “🖊+an OC“ and I will talk about that OC! It can be a headcanon, a fun fact, a small paragraph of backstory- anything! Alternatively, send in just a “🖊“ and I will talk about any one of my OCs at random!

Oh, Maru my beloved.

Maru "Maru-Maru" Maru is my character in Secret World Legends and my NPC (and eventual PC) for the Secret World ttrpg. They are the current OC im constantly rotating in my brain like a rotisserie chicken.

I had attempted to write a longer form comic for them and even finished a first chapter. Unfortunately, life got busy and started taking more spoons to other tasks and I am not able to dedicate the time and energy I want to the comic. And thats okay. In the year I have been cold, I have expanded upon the Maru-verse even further, and discovered even more interesting loops and details to incorporate. And I cannot wait to illustrate them one day.

So without further ado, please enjoy this extensive lore breakdown on Maru-Maru:

For your convenience this post has a keep reading <3

Name Significance: Of course Maru is not their given name. Its partially a joke, partially an echo of a long-lost memory, partially a misheard role to fulfill, and their first grasp on their identity.

The name Maru firstly comes from my Exalted Zenith character. My partner and I wanted to name our bees after them, as a way to honor the fun we had with such a short campaign. Little did we know how smoothly Exalted and SWL can blend together- the transition from one age to the next, apocalypses rising, and powerful beings beyond comprehension changing Creation. The tone is certainly different though: an Exalted chronicle is uplifting and with epic heroes to save the world, whereas SWL is riddled with uncertainty about how long the collective will of reality can hold.

The SWL version of Maru can barely remember their previous incarnation, it's more like a weird dream than anything else. If they look to closely, the memory vanishes; like the people of the Third Age trying to grasp their memory of the Second, and their predecessors before them. The golden light within them feels different, yet can still vanquish monsters with their touch, and aid people plagued by nightmares seeping through cracks in reality.

A more recent discovery has played nicely into my friends headcanons and names of their characters. SWL Maru was discovered by experienced agents of names Inanna and Ninshubur in Kingsmouth. While the name Maru is not a Sumerian/Assyrian deity, Mamu is. There is not a lot written about Mamu. They are most notable for being a god of dreams and having both male and female depictions. We love a lil gender fuckery in the pantheon. There was temple built in Imgur-Enlil (modern Balawat) to them. Dreams were not seen as depictions of the subconscious (thanks Freud) but rather true portents of the future. This is all over the epic of Gilgamesh as a literary device to keep that long ass story going. Regardless, the Assyrian King who had dreams of Inanna vanquishing his enemies felt the portents were significant enough to build that temple to the messenger: Mamu. Additionally, there are oodles of accounts of death-dreams and glimpses into other worlds (namely the Underworld) across several sites, whether its recorded dreams from priests and priestesses- or more Enki myths.

And this is what Maru does- even by accident. They catch glimpses into the other worlds, talk to other versions of themselves to relay messages and warnings, and make sure Inanna and Ninshubur are aware of whatever weird shit is out there. In the SWL ttrpg, I intend to have Maru explore this role to fulfill more, as a messenger and a dreamer. Funnily enough, the surname I gave Maru is 夢宮: Yumemiya, which can translate to Yume: dream, and Miya: a shrine, or place for gods. Don't you love it when the narrative falls into place like that? (But in truth, I borrowed the surname from Kanae Yumemiya, an actress who portrayed Usagi in a Sailor Moon Live production...)

Lastly on name significance, we have the japanese translation that Maru means ◯, and is literally a circle. Depending on the characters used to spell Maru, it can also mean truth, and expanded to mean a complete unending cycle. Putting two ◯◯ together is like censoring a name or word, similarly to how $#%&#! is used in English. In a way, Maru-Maru is saying their name is Redacted, or blankety blank or So-and-so. This was incredibly hilarious in the SWL game when QBL labels the player a terrorist after climbing Orochi Tower. Ah yes, you've definitely found the ringleader who set off the Tokyo bomb: It was ◯◯! Excellent journalism, QBL, no notes.

But in truth, its a clever and funny way to hide themself. Searching Maru on google is gonna get you a stardew valley villager and a cute, chubby cat youtube sensation. And they like it that way.

So whether it's Maru, Mamu, Redacted, ◯◯, or some other weird fifth thing, they'll always be that one odd baby bee who reaches across dimensions to keep reality running just a little longer. They won't have to face the end alone, in fact, its statistically improbable.

And if you survive. If you are still you. Think on the questions. Remember when you were a bright little thing, so full of questions?

THE LIFE CYCLE:

Time is a funny thing when dealing with several versions of the same individual. The smallest changes completely alter a course of events. Many Marus recall gaining their bee not long after the Tokyo Filth bomb around 2012, and being swept up by whichever agency got to them first. Many recall their parents working tirelessly at their jobs at the Orochi Group. They learned how to cook for themself at a young age because Mom and Dad wouldn't be home til late. Many recall the first time they heard the buzzing static was as young as 6, following the sweet whispers through a soon-to-be park and a newly planted flowering tree. There are a few that never receive a bee, or receive their power through other means. These timelines are the strangest ones.

A riddle to kill a sphinx: What's one, then three, and then one again? Wait- that's not how it goes...

The Lumie, Templar, and Dragon Maru all share the same origin. Depending on where an outsider glances, the three realities are so close, they are nearly one. Nearly. They grew up in Kaidan with their parents. They did attend the Orochi-sponsored schools and attended several programs, but flew right under the radar for "gifted abilities" that Orochi was seeking. Little Maru was aware of whispers in tv static, rattles in old pipes, the shrieks of summer cicadas Evangelion style. As a young child, they marched to the beat of their own drum, ignoring or indulging the whispered warnings as they saw fit. The dreams were harder to ignore, but when they told their parents about the big scary monsters that couldn't get out- it was written off as their overly active imagination. After all, they had failed an aptitude test to get into the nearby elementary school near their work. Its uncertain whether or not Maru's parents knew what that test was truly analyzing- and whether or not they were relieved to see they failed. Decent Orochi employees have excellent poker faces.

Sometimes one is born special. Sometimes specialness is genetically modified into one. Not every child is equal.

As they grew older, the supernatural continued to burrow into their eardrums. Maru was an average student, but occasionally received top marks on answers whispered to them. They earned a reputation for being a little bit of a tech whiz, and had an observant eye for finding errors in codes. Not really a "super power" but troubleshooting tech is an immensely useful skill. Maru was exceptional at the ol' percussive maintenance with old printers, punchcards, and fax machines. When things went to digital interfaces, Maru found the tried and true "have you tried turning it off and back on again," to be a real winner.

When they didn't want to hear the whispers, they'd make use of bulky, noise-cancelling headphones. Maru would often be seen wearing them outside of class and in their home, enjoying the peace and quiet. Maybe the headphones were a placebo. It only worked because they believed it worked. However, at night, their mind would be plagued with vivid dreams and even louder whispers and messages. Headphones can't keep hide the noise if its already in their head. Frustratingly, they'd always wake up and immediately forget what they dreamt. This was their normal. Caffeine to keep themself up during the day, wear headphones to keep out the messages, and TV to drown out the static at night.

And there wasn't really anyone to talk about it with. Last time some Orochi kid fessed up to their weird dreams and whispers, he'd definitely vanished. Teachers said the student moved away, but Maru knew his parents still worked in Faust upper management. Another girl said she could hear thoughts before you could finish thinking them. Maru thought that one was bullshit- but she disappeared too. Lesson learned. Keep the static to yourself.

Don't fear It. Fear Nothing. Fear the Foundation. It's no wonder; they say once you hit four, it's all downhill from here.

When it came time to apply for highschool, a few of their peers found this "Clubhouse" and despite its messaging, were blabbermouths about it. Maru always felt uneasy about the place. If there were whispers saying they had nothing to fear, they didn't trust it. They couldn't believe the claims that were coming from this place. Free drinks? Can play games as long as you want? You can be yourself without any fear? Maru especially didn't trust the last one. None of their classmates knew how they felt wearing the girls uniform. None of them knew how exhausting it was to shut out the whispers, keep the eyes on them sated with just the right expectations, and then complete their coursework on top of it all. Maru absolutely did not want to "perform" there either.

Upon finishing highschool, Maru was presented with an opportunity. They'd complete a university comp-sci degree and then immediately dive into a job at the company. Orochi is not devoid of nepotism. At first, this seemed ideal. They'd attend university in New York, and take their summer internships with the American branch of Orochi. Should everything go well, which... it was going to go well that was the expectation... they'd be looking at a substantial salary and generous benefits while working in the Tower.

America was loud. America is loud. But the sheer volume of everything drowned out the buzzing whispers. They still needed the headphones to drown out the rest of the noise though. They could focus a lot more on themself outside of the Orochi bubble, even if their presence was just a few streets away.

Maru figured out a lot about themself in the four years at Uni, especially the gender thing. They enjoyed building weird robots and programming them to do silly things- in addition to their assigned tasks. They enjoyed the few college parties they attended. They even had a steady, long term relationship with a classmate named Caesura (nods back to Exalted). As graduation loomed, they dreaded going back home. They realized how much time they spent alone and really did not want to go back to that solitude at Orochi. So they avoided it. They delayed their graduation by a year and a half by swapping majors, making absurd connections and promises with subdivisions of Faust and Anansi, and prolonging which classes they needed to graduate.

What was the cause of all this, sweetling? Where is the zero point?

Everything changed sometime in 2012. Maru couldn't get anyone on the phone back home when the bomb went off. Even the work lines in Faust were gunked up. They have zero clue if a letter they wrote made it through security and into Orochi's headquarters. Caesura had also vanished. (Unbeknownst at the time, the man was abducted by the Dragon. In most timelines, he does analog calculations for the faction, figuring out where pieces need to move rather than doing field work himself). And then they get their bee, freak out and wreck their apartment, get nabbed by one of the big three, and then get sent out to Kingsmouth.

Things start to break and differ sometime after this for our Red, Blue, and Green iterations of Maru. They all admit to being unaware of their prowess for chaos magic before meeting two other big bees: Ninshubur and Inanna. It was Ninshubur who gifted the confused baby bee a chaos focus, and Inanna gifted a them an empowering gadget. Receiving these items are one of the more prominent cracks on the flickering timelines on the Reality Engine.

Though the most prominent tears in their time are when the Dreamers made themselves known to Maru. The first, a gift. The second, worship. The third, freedom.

Templar!Maru, believes they were tricked by the gift. They swear they would have never have listened to the bubbling voices, but deep down they know that they fell for their sweet words. Whenever the Dreamers approached them, they were certain to make sure they'd never be fooled twice. Their choices are marked with unbound Blue wings.

Dragon!Maru had already begun developing their philosophy on the cyclic end of the world: however messy and destructive it was going to be, whatever was going to rise out of the ashes was going to be just as magnificent. Decay is a form of life. They morbidly want to see what the world will look like at the end, but have to be strong enough to make it there. Accepting the gift, begrudgingly worshipping, and freeing the Dreaming Ones is all part of their dream. Their wings drip with filth. Unease sits in their stomach, they do not know if they'll get their wish.

Lastly, Lumie!Maru was keen on not listening to more voices in their heads. They are the only iteration to refuse the gift. Their wings gleam gold. What is done cannot be undone, and they loathe that their defiance to one set of voices is obedience to another.

Go ahead, glance back. Don't sweat it, sweetling. You won't turn to salt and you can't make yourself impossible. History will conserve itself. The continuities will hold.

Again, time is funny when dealing with several iterations of the same individual. The slightest changes make immense impacts on their lives. There are Maru's who graduated on time. There are Maru's who never left Kaidan. These individuals work with Orochi, whether they want to or not. There are Maru's who's last memory is the filth exploding from within that guy's jacket. There are Maru's still sleeping. There are Maru's who joined the Council of Venice, there are Maru's who hacked the Swarm's game back, and fled their factions. There are Maru's who want nothing to do with the secret world and just want a peaceful goddamn life with their wife and accounting job. There's a Maru who is just really into boats...

But they are all connected, tethered to one another. Like a rat king on reality, fated to meet and tangle.

FUN and STRANGE DETAILS:

BLOODY VALENTINES: Uta, the rabbit killer in Kaidan, is three separate individuals who used to inhabit the same body. Lilith is responsible for splitting her like a worm and separating the sibling souls into new bodies. Maru is an anomaly: they are physical duplicates of the same individual existing simultaneously. Both Maru and Uta fight with unprecedented coordination, switching aggro and balancing their buffs between the three of them. The showdown at the top of Orochi tower was certainly a spectacle... And a vocabulary lesson for swears in several languages. Some agents have noticed the similarities between Maru and Uta, but Maru is quick to squash any speculations. This is not because the two actually know each other, but more Maru does not want anyone to know their Orochi background if they can help it.

The buzzing on Uta reveals some interesting clues about Maru and their existence. Uta was not plagued with insanity but rather hypersanity for the new age- and with new software there are bound to be bugs. While Maru didn't absorb their twin in the womb or was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia; Maru was also sensitive to whispers just outside reality. And so were other children born around the same time. Maybe Maru and that generation of kids got the patched version.

A LUCID DREAM: The Black Signal, or John, tells the Chuck's who will listen that he's no longer singular, he is plural- but remembers what it was like being a sole individual. To Maru, this is so old news. In fact, Maru loves to snark back at him saying that he is not special and they're plural too. There are many Maru's. The Black Signal doesn't really tend to listen to this. Maru may be many, but Maru is still meat. If they would hatch, then they'd have a new conversation. Again, Maru disregards this, and says they've spent enough time being an egg.

They don't want to think too hard about what it means to have "hatched." They know John's not talking about them being nonbinary. Maru is an adept and experienced enough chaos user at this point to recognize when a timeline is too different for them to safely pull on. There's a phantom pain in their outreached hands and fingers when they try to go too far. They are aware that there are some selves they used to be able to call upon and cannot anymore. Something about them has changed. They are aware they can become "out of sync" with their doppelgangers or even be "out of phase," and get stuck somewhere overlapping two or more timelines. But to not be able to call themself at all is terrifying. If only they had the ability to glance at all it all from the outside ... oh.

At least, Maru can't do this consciously. Some versions of Maru have swapped places with their doppelgangers in their sleep or had rude awakenings of being pried from bed to be used as a meat-shield for another. While dreaming, they can go anywhere- so long as they don't forget how to wake up. These ones don't know how close they get to bleeding out of reality.

MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICES:

In my SWL playthrough, I of course ran into a whole bunch of bugs and glitches. And I love them. But, there were times that it made the game do absolutely weird things- which provides some very fun stories to weave into the glitch. The most notable was at the Second Choice in the City of the Sun God. At this point, my partner had played ahead and was almost through Translylvania when I had finally defeated Aten. He knew there was an Ultimate Move behind the choices and spoiled a little (with my permission). I didn't know what "Blue Wings" meant but I understood to get them I would need to, against my better judgement, listen to the Dreamer's at least once. So after defeating Aten and being greeted by the Filth bird saying "hey you should do the worship emote" I then obliged and typed /worship.

And the game crashed. No worries- this happened all the time for me. My laptop would get obscenely hot running this game and would shut itself down so it wouldn't fry itself. Upon reloading, I had to do the Aten fight again but found myself having trouble with some of the UI interface. Reloadui did not solve the issue, and I found myself in front of the Filth bird again. I typed /worship and Maru did nothing. I opened the emote tab, and clicked, and Maru would do nothing. In fact, all of my emotes were not functioning- except the dances.

I laughed as I watched Maru dance and devour tacos in front of the Dreamer, not knowing how frustrating it must have been for the cosmic entity to watch some small, nascent angelic thought just proceed to do anything but what it requested. How much longer? Out of frustration, I eventually attacked the creature, triggering the next cutscene. The Dreamer's were angry, and I laughed and laughed.

Now the strangest thing is in game play, Maru sometimes has golden wings. I have had friends say they see blue wings and I will see gold on my screen. I've also had the opposite. In all cutscenes, they are blue. Considering the overlapping timelines, it seems like Lumie!Maru's almost choice bleeds through onto their timeline sometimes.

INITIATE THE D20 SYSTEM:

I have been very fortunate to be the storyteller for some very avid fans of the Secret World and have presented an alternative timeline to the world they know and love. Maru of course, is no exception to this. Everyone is operating with different times and circumstances. Eventually, I will get the chance to play Maru in the game. But for now, Maru has only made one appearance: to Olivia, the newest bee of the group. Of course, Olivia has zero idea what implications she has encountered by merely interacting with this version of Maru, untethered to their doppelgangers. The TTRPG timeline is indeed one of the strangest.

Thank you for reading this absurdly long OC lore post, I have spent easily 3 week writing and editing and rewriting and adding. I hope you enjoyed and it sparks some fun thoughts about SWL and maybe a lil Exalted. As a treat.

#steph answers questions #thanks for the ask!#swl #storyteller vibes #maru energy

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lucy90712 · 2 years ago

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Hiii can u do a sort of love triangle with gavi and pedri ♡♡

A/n: my requests are open so feel free to send me more requests.

If you guys want me to do another one of these but the other way round let me know

wc: 2200+

When moving to Barcelona I thought I would really struggle to make friends but right when I arrived I managed to make two great friends and now we are as close as anything. Gavi and Pedri aren't the people I thought I'd make friends with when I moved here but after we happened to meet and they were so nice and helpful I wouldn't have wanted things to go any other way. Being friends with them is like having two bodyguards at times they are always keeping an eye on me and protecting me when we go out anywhere together which I really appreciate. Its come to the point that I don't know what I would do without and I hope they feel the same way about me.

It has been far too long since I've last seen them both has they have been away for the World Cup but now they are back and we are finally going to see each other for a movie night which we do all the time but it's been a while since we've done one. Since we planned this I've been really excited but also a bit nervous as things have changed since they left. After they left and I had so much time to myself I spent too much time thinking and I realised that I have a crush on Pablo which I had been trying to ignore and push to the back of my mind for months. I feel so stupid because I told myself not to catch feelings for either of them as I know that if I say anything it will ruin everything as if he doesn't feel the same way it will ruin the whole group dynamic as things will be so awkward. While they have been away its been fine as when we talk over FaceTime I can hide it but I'm not sure that I can do the same thing in person as they know me so well that I just know I'll give it away.

To distract myself from how nervous I am about tonight I have spent most of the day in the kitchen baking as the boys both love the cookies and cupcakes I make so I thought I'd make some for us to have as snacks and as my way of showing how proud I am of them both for their performance. As a distraction it has been working pretty well as I've been busy and had music on which has kept my attention away from my worries but as soon as I stopped my worries came flooding right back into my mind. I can't stop playing out every possible scenario in my head which isn't helping at all as none of them end very well in fact they all end with me losing my friends and being all alone again.

The boys have their first training back with Barca today but afterwards they said they would stop off at mine and pick me up so we can go back to Pedri's place as thats where we always hang out which means I don't even get any time to prepare myself because as soon as they get here I'll have to see Pablo straight away. Since finishing baking I've been looking at my wardrobe deciding what to wear as I want to be comfy but I also still want to look nice as for some reason I still feel the need to impress Pablo. After ages of debating with myself I settled on some sweatpants and a crop top so that I didn't look like a complete mess but was still comfy although it still didn't feel right but it will have to do as the guys will be here soon.

Pedri's POV

Training seemed to drag on forever but eventually it finished and Pablo and I quickly got changed and headed to my car to go and pick y/n up. We have been friends for ages now but we haven't seen her in a while as we were away for the World Cup and she had to stay for school and work so the both of us are really excited to see her again. For a while now I've had feelings for y/n as in feelings that go beyond just friends but I haven't said anything as I don't want to ruin our friendship or make things awkward with Pablo as he will still want to be her friend I know. Sometimes seeing her is hard because I just want to say something or for my feelings to go away but of course they don't so I just put on an act and pretend that everything is normal.

Pablo and I got in the car and since he’s been fiddling with literally anything in sight which isn't normal for him. He has been acting off in general today to start with he was way too excited about training in the freezing cold but since we finished he's been nervous as anything and I just can't figure out what's going on. Usually he will tell me everything but today there is definitely something he isn't telling me and I have to know what it is as this isn't usual for him.

"Hey man are you alright you seem really nervous" I said

"I'm fine its just y/n" he said

"What about her?"I asked

"Well I really like her and while we've been away I have been thinking more about it and I want to tell her how I feel but I don't want to ruin everything as I don't think I could handle not having her in my life" he admitted

As soon as I heard those words came out of his mouth I felt my heart sink. I should've known that he liked her I mean now that I think about it it’s so obvious she's the one person he FaceTimes all the time and he doesn't stop talking about her. Knowing that the both of us have feelings for her makes me feel even worse as I know these sorts of love triangles never end well for anyone involved.

"If you think telling her is the right thing to do then you should do it as whatever happens is meant to be will be" I said trying to be supportive

It hurt having to say that but I know that once Pablo has his mind set on something he doesn't easily let it go plus if he truly feels as strongly for her as he says then maybe they will be good for each other. Part of me is hoping that she will reject him and then maybe I might have a chance but I know deep down the right thing to do is back off and let them figure things out. Over my life I've had a few crushes that weren't reciprocated so this will just be another one to add to the list although I never stayed in contact with any of those girls so that will be a new aspect I have to figure out. I don't have long to figure it out though as soon we will be at y/n's picking her up.

Your POV

My doorbell sounding throughout the apartment made me jump to start with but pretty much straight away I got up and ran to the door to greet the boys as I just knew it would be them. When I opened the door I was right and both Pedri and Pablo were stood outside my door smiling. I gave both of them a hug but held onto Pablo for a bit longer but not too long as to give away my feelings. As we left I grabbed the cookies and cupcakes which they both tried to steal so they could eat one before we even got to the car but I didn't let them. When we got to the car I went to open the door but Pablo managed to get in there first and held it open for me before then getting in the back of the car with me. Usually when we are all together unless we use my car I sit in the back as people always try to take pictures of Pedri and Pablo so I hide out in the back on my own so that I don't have loads of pictures taken of me. It was strange having him sat next to me to begin with but I did like having him sit with me and it made me wonder if maybe he feels the same way I do.

When we got to Pedri's place he went and grabbed more snacks for us while Pablo and I sat down in the living room. He sat down first while I put the cookies out but when I was done I decided to test the water and sit right next to him on the sofa. For a second he looked at me before getting comfy and putting his arm behind me resting on the sofa clearly trying not to cross a boundary by touching me. We looked at each other for a second before quickly looking away again and I just know my cheeks were bright red but I was trying to pretend it wasn't happening. Things really feel like they have changed slightly between me and Pablo as we would never act like this with each other before but I don't want to get my hopes up as it could be anything or me just imagining things.

Things were normal for a while once we started watching the film but about halfway though I felt Pablo's hand drop to my shoulder so of course I looked over to him and he just smiled back which made the butterflies in my stomach even worse. The longer we sat there the more confidence I built up so after some back and forth in my mind I decided to lean into his side and rest my head on his shoulder. For a few seconds he tensed up and I worried that I'd done the wrong thing but after a while he relaxed and moved his arm again this time around my waist. That was all the indication I needed to know that he must have some form of feelings for me as although Pablo is touchy with other people he would never do this if he didn't have feelings for me.

We stayed in that position for the rest of the movie and only when it was over did we move slightly to put a small gap between us which was mainly to avoid Pedri asking questions. After the movie we all talked for a while until it was getting quite late and although I was willing to stay up later Pedri wanted to make sure I got home as I have work in the morning so I agreed to let him take me home along with Pablo. This time Pablo sat in the passenger seat but he kept turning round to talk to me and involve me in the conversation which quickly turned to football and what they were doing in training.

Once we got back to my place me and Pablo said goodbye to Pedri as Pablo doesn't live far so will usually walk the rest of the way from mine. After Pedri left things got a bit awkward as it was clear that both of us wanted to say something but just didn't know how to start. Seeing as we were just stood outside in the cold and dark I decided it would be a good idea to at least go inside as then we can talk for a as long as we need to. Without thinking too much I grabbed his hand and walked up to my apartment and I only realised what I'd done when we got it my door and I had to let go of his hand to grab my keys. When we got inside things were just as awkward for a few moments until Pablo broke the silence.

"I'm just going to say it I like you y/n and not just as a friend I know that this makes things awkward not just between us but also with Pedri but I can't hide it anymore being apart from you for so long made me realise just how much I love you which is why this is so hard to say" he rambled

"Hey stop rambling I like you as more than a friend too" I admitted

"Hearing you say that makes me feel so much better now I can finally ask will you be my girlfriend?" He asked

"Of course I will" I answered

He looked at me smiling for a moment before asking if he could kiss me which of course I said yes to. Pretty much as soon as I said yes his lips crashed against mine in the most amazing kiss I've ever had. I didn't want it to end but eventually we both pulled apart and he gave me one last kiss before leaving to go back to his place leaving me stood in my hallway smiling like an idiot at the fact that Pablo is now my boyfriend, life couldn't get any better.

#pablo gavi imagine #pablo gavi imagines #pablo gavi oneshots #gavi imagine #gavi imagines #gavi oneshots #pedri imagine #pedri imagines #pedri gonzalez imagine #pedri gonzalez imagines

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petefromarma · 4 months ago

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thank you this is a safe space for communist fall out boy fans. i love em but hate them and thats okay. i do wish they were better. i think one reason why people act like that in the fandom is they spent a lot of time associating with it and spending money and making it part of their identity which i am guilty of and still do, its almost an attack on them. to rethink what they consume. i think a lot of people just dont want to ever think of letting them go. and i get it it can suck. ofc i am not saying people should let go of them entirely or whatever but realize your faves may not be as progressive as you think they are and to acknowledge that flaw. i think one thing that sort of helped me “grow apart” from fall out boy is deadass making ocs. sure they don’t have a whole fandom or actual media but its honestly helped me a lot with just being able to put in my creative energy into something else besides fob. i still like to dabble in the fob fandom but its nice to have something else beyond fall out boy and sort of a “safety net” if things truly go south if fob gets actually “canceled” if they do something that i truly can’t really be all fandomy over if that makes sense hahaha

i think you're probably right tbh re fans feeling guilty abt spending money on them; a fair amount of western activism revolves around consumerism, which makes sense for a capitalistic society but like i really do wish these people would just get real and own up to the fact that their enjoyment of fob has nothing to do with their politics for better or for worse and if they actually believed that it did they would stop spending money on concert tickets and stop spending money on merch, not as a form of boycott or anything like that (imo most forms of western modern day boycott are ineffective in terms of constituting material change bc they focus on conglomerates; we should boycott bc it is the right thing to do to not pay in to companies that are supporting genocide, not bc we are expecting large scale change to come of it) but because it would be in line with the ideological/moral boundaries they have set for themselves

imo engaging with art/celebrity in a capitalistic society is a net neutral, for the most part; simply saying this among the most radical of accelerationist twitter grifters would get my head chopped off for paying attention to a band instead of the glorious revolution that's supposedly forming amongst russian soldiers doing genocide in the donbas or whatever but unless leftists want to actually get serious about global suffrage then idk what to say lol people are going to look to art as a coping mechanism and continue to pay in to these systems bc it helps them survive mentally/emotionally. now that being said that's why i think it's hypocritical and grotesque to participate in faux outrage against a band that you like by doing pretend activism bc none of these people actually give a shit that fob do business with/are friends with zionists, they just want to look good in front of their friends for caring about the right thing at the right time. if their disgust was genuine they would quietly drop them and move on but they're more invested in their own comfort than doing what they perceive as being right. so i guess to clarify i don't think spending money on and paying attention to a band with milquetoast lib politics is inherently materially harmful; what i do believe is actively harmful to the cause you claim to serve is when you put on a performance for a few days because the band you like fucked up in a way that can't be ignored and then never talk about it again and go back to pretending that pw is a radical leftist and not a run of the mill democrat. like if you're just going to stop talking about it eventually don't even bother bringing it up in the first place lol

i support you tho i do think OCs are a good idea esp if you want to pull away from engaging with IP tbh and i think just a good thing for enhancing your writing/creativity in general

#re pw and ps i think a lot of this issue is how young this fandom skews #and many of them have never actually interacted with democrats before like they're from conservative families #and so they believe that run of the mill human rights ideology is like. radical #but the average tumblr “socialist” is going to agree with the average party member on everything except foreign policy/interventionism #which is why i think these kids think fob is like particularly based or whatever #when you could watch a speech from andy beshear or brian schatz and find out that they also use trans inclusive language #and believe that systemic antiblackness is still very much a problem in modern USamerican society #like idk what to tell you man LMAO put down that ao3 tab and pick up what is to be done

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