#garden of baffling beasts

[spacespeckspod]

What @podcastjam shows our characters would listen to!

Be sure to check out the fellow jam shows mentioned; @valdiviansfinest @gobbpodblog @hello-are-you-there @working-tidal-pod @theichorousrotpod They're all working on some really cool projects!

[podcastjam]

May 12: Garden of Baffling Beasts

Frobb the flamingo, a weirdly shaped extremophile that can drink boiling acidic salt water without issue and takes on the colour of the food it filters from said water (with its head upside down) makes it very worthy of being in a zoo for strange and bizarre creatures, no matter how many other more regular zoos have flamingos as well. Due to some symbiotic microbes that burn it and put it back together when it dies, it is an actual phoenix.

@gobbpodblog: "The mysterious menagerie known as the "Garden of Baffling Beasts (and other stuff)" has opened its doors to the public! It features all sorts of strange and bizarre creatures, both legendary and unheard of! Also weird plants, unusual rocks, and things arcane.

Intrepid reporter Jaggery "Jake" Howard has agreed to check it and make a documentary about this place. Join her as Garden employee Dr. Banitha Vermillian guides her on a tour!"

We're counting down to episode release by highlighting one Jam podcast a day. Check out this show on May 25th!

[aclickbaittitle]

Live blogging of the Podcast Jam's Pilots (Part 1):

First of all, I want to say congratulations to everyone who participated. Making a podcast is hard, making one with a time limit, through the internet, improbable but somehow possible.

1° The Ichorus Rot

I was so excited for this project and it did not dissapoint but went above. I was expecting something like the first few episodes of TMA, where Theodorus would read their findings and that would be it, but the team went ahead and produced a full-on radio play with 4 (?) voiced characters. That's incredible. I felt like I got a great introduction to each characters, and if you asked me to describe the personality of each I could. The sound design is gorgeous (i have so many questions of how they made that happened) and with the incredible soundtrack it puts you right in the setting and most importantly the mood.

It reminded me a bit of Sherlock Holmes, but with the great twist of making the detective a doctor.

There's just this one bit, I do understand the distortion as Theodore is talking into the recorder but it is a bit hard to understand (especially if you don't have headphones). This is just to say, I am asking for a transcript.

2° Beyond Repair

Oh no, doctor AIs. I really like the time they take to describe the ship, the camera/monitor details. Again I am astonished at the fact that this is again like an (radio) audio play.

What used to be canada? (What happened to canada!? Did it fell along with western civilazation, but then why is Italy still kicking?).

Oh shit, the AI has turned against them. Poor AI, I bet it is over worked.

I also really like the concept of a wellness cruiseship, because it allows a nice excuse to really get inside the characters mind.

3° The Garden of Baffling Beats

The audio is a bit low.

Uuu. Recent management change? Interesting.

Hey, give the Baseliks their own article piece, love the detail that they are shy.

Carnivorous cats!? That checks out. The journalist wants to pet them, jeje.

Also, werewolves? I love werewolves!

Really liked all the work that came in building the garden.

Aww, thanks for the shoutout.

4° World Fuse

Dont remember the name of the MC, but I too, repeat my order in my mind and then messed it up.

Aarush, thats their name. Also, Harlequeen August? (That is a statement name).

Yeah Aarush, no one trust the goverment for a good reason. So funny Queen and Aarush just started fliriting (?).

Is Queen an independent detective?

Idk if I like Indigo, but I am very intrigued by her. Aaa, candy is a lawyer. That explains things.

Wow, Queen, Aarush, stop fliritng, it is too funny.

Wait, queen is the fuse? I didnt really payed attention to the first exposition lines.

Aww, this very creepy voice is very protective, that is sweet.

I really like that most of the episode took place in a coffee/flower shop.

5° The Block

I really like the music.

Not gonna light the eq/reverb effects make it a bit difficult to understand.

Also, space, aliens, Tamareans!? Podcasting. I really like how podcasting is taboo in their culture, thats so funny.

Hey princess, stop being so harsh. You are alive arent you, dont matter if it is cartoonish.

Velma, he of the four trails and well known peneaut allergy. That is such a title, love it.

Humanoid form? They have humans!?

I really like the radio/cable format, is great to be able to jump between stories of very different moods.

I like the bear. I will watch the movie.

Ahg, re-runs. Donovan, you are the mentors of mentors.

I do hope they stick around. I did not understood half of it, but I loved it. Did i mention how good is the sound desing and the music. Amazing.

6° Schrödinger's Pledge

Oh good, water desing, its so cool. The sound design is so coool.

Better question, what is a sororety and a fraternity, and do I have those at my college? (I really hope not).

Uuu, they are childhood friends (?) Acuantainces (however you spell that word).

Love that Helen will jump in a pool just because.

Jared is like a good jock ?? Idk, but I like him.

Mentaly disturbed, such a weird way to say it. Oh shit, the ableism.

Her mom was a part of this sororety, thats so interesting.

Uuuuu, its through a line-phone that you contact the dead? So cool.

Also I really like how you could feel the Sority (?) lider walking around the room.

I am curious about how Helen's mom died. Uh, she died in the river and Helen jumps into a pool.

Oh no, poor Helen.

Oh, not her mom, ohhhh. Shes not dead...yet.

Okay, props to whoever desing this. So much water, its amazing.

Ohhh, and back to the begining, really nice circle.

Oh, toxic female friendships! Toxic female friendships!

Whoever sound-design this, please tell me your secrets.

Pagan Dupount, thats such a name. *A legacy must be paid*.

Wait, isnt Dupount also the name of the evil queen in miraculous? (Sorry).

Is Helen now going to be the Queen Bee? Jared is like "I have contacts".

As someone who loves the dark side of academia, I am in love with this. (Even if I still dont understand how fraternities work, like really, does anyone?).

7° Gavin's Window: Lost and Found

Right into the *ambience*.

"Is there a gift shop in the train station?" Asking the good question.

I really like how the sound design pulls you into the rttpg, like normally I dont listen to actual play or d&d stuff, but I think that this is a good getaway for me.

So Gavin is the GM. That is interesting.

Awww, I really like this candle story.

Uuuu, I want to know what Gavin saw. Are they human?

WAIT! POST CREDIT SCENE, POST CREDIT SCENE!!!

[gobbpodblog]

The mysterious menagerie known as the "Garden of Baffling Beasts (and other stuff)" has opened its doors to the public! It features all sorts of strange and bizarre creatures, both legendary and unheard of! Also weird plants, unusual rocks, and things arcane.

Intrepid reporter Jaggery "Jake" Howard has agreed to check it and make a documentary about this place. Join her as Garden employee Dr. Banitha Vermillian guides her on a tour!

[Content warnings for this episode include petrification (discussed), and construction noises.]

Cast and Crew: CawCawMarmalade (Any pronouns), Prinxe (fae/faer, it/its, and any cat-themed neopronouns) and TheMothReservoir (he/they or any masculine pronouns)

This pilot episode is released under a CC-By-NC-SA-licence

You can also find the full version of this and the other PodJam 2024 projects with your podcatcher of choice by searching for "Podcast Jam" or using this rss feed!

[newdestination]

"I see. My younger si— or, ah… lea… the.. hm." He stumbles quite badly in the middle of his thought, coming to a full stop in the middle of rooting through everything he had brought along. It's difficult enough trying to refer to Kai in the midst of the clan— guessing how to talk about her to someone beyond it suddenly seems so much worse. Seki himself didn't seem as though he'd have too many issues to the point either way, but saying the wrong thing wears slightly at the edges of his nerves.

"…There's this young miss I attend to," Nobori finally settles on. Neutral and vague enough, disregarding the topic itself. "She's recently evolved a Glacia of her own. They make quite wonderful and loyal companions, if one can reach beyond their skittish nature. They hatched an egg, I believe." Seki's comment regarding his sister certainly piques Nobori's attention beyond the meandering lines of his own words. The method of acquisition was some sort of tradition around Kai's status as the head's daughter and sole child, though he couldn't say he's privy to the details.

"Though, I don't suppose I'd be inclined towards Glacia myself. I was quite surprised, really— a Showers would have done quite well in the Tundra, what with the matchup with type commonalities, and…" Nobori runs his mouth as he picks out a fair heft of wrapped meat nestled in a small pocket of eternal ice. Not great for long-term storage solutions, but just fine considering; it's only been a day or so, after all. He really ought to set up the tent, too…

"Ah, pardon me. I suppose all of that is to say that I'm quite glad to see it!" He really, truly is, above all else. Nobori supposes it'd only make sense to have sent a clan member with a team of their own in the interest of self-defense, but… it just settles him in a way he's not entirely sure how to describe. "Your sister found them, you said?" He prompts in turn, a curious eye cast towards his temporary companion's side. "I'd suppose you're welcome to start the campfire— though, I would listen to your partners if they've an opinion on that, Seki." He'd certainly seen the way they nipped and chased the other man by the feet to herd him into resting. Perhaps they're just an overcautious lot, but— well, it'd been quite a full day, and he still seems… a touch red in the face.

…No reason to be wary. Nobori evenly returns Seki's gaze as their words settle in the air, a low hum in the back of his throat. He ought to be sending for Goriky, anyways. "Very well then… one moment, if you will!"

Nobori trills out a short whistle through his teeth, already shifting to brace himself against the side of a nearby pillar. It only takes a moment for his ears to catch the edge of that telltale rush of wind along the edges of the sky, a dark snap of teeth and leather.

The cold stone digs into the meat of his hand as he tries to stay upright underneath the impact, an overexcited pair of claws slung about his neck. Glion always gets awfully overexcited after spending an entire day out of petting range of Nobori— he's long since learned to anticipate the pokémon's antics. His companion is intelligent enough to understand when it isn't time to be playing, after all— He is hardly going to begrudge the little thing for a bit of fun.

…or, the big thing, perhaps. Glion has long since grown out of fitting in the inner pockets of his coat, begging for scraps of berries and treats. Hot breath gusts over the back of his neck in stark contrast, a chittering squall ringing in the cup of his ear. There's an affectionate tail curling around his ankle, needle-tip stinger bumping against the fabric of his shoes. Nobori offers the pokémon a few sparing pats around the beginnings of dinner in his hands, the pot he intends to actually use still full of other supplies by his feet.

"Yes, yes, I know—"

"Not that I want to be down for the count..." Seki muttered under his breath, laying a hand gently on Bracky's head as she nuzzled up against his stomach. His palms and fingers ached, fingers throbbing as if he'd stuck them on hot coals and he really couldn't argue the fact as much as he hated it and it made his chest tighten with frustration.

He didn't want to look at Nobori, not wanting to see the other's expression or try to puzzle out how he was feeling.

All Seki could gather from tone alone was that... he wasn't being judged. He wasn't used to that feeling.

He pet his Pokemon lightly, finally looking up over at Nobori.

The other spoke lightly, tone optimistic despite the almost permanent frown that sat on his face and Seki wondered quietly just what he was thinking. Was he just quiet about his judgement, quietly planning how to take the burden off of him, or did he truly not see issue with his weakness? He didn't know how to feel himself; everyone either saw him as a burden or someone to be coddled as if he were a child, incapable of doing things. He hated both of those views, but he'd never really experienced neither.

He probably shouldn't think too hard about it. There was still time for that to change.

He looked up at Nobori finally, expression thoughtful and only mildly skeptical. As if waiting for a shoe to drop, a coddling remark, a scolding for pushing himself.

"Yeah... they've been with me since I was a kid. My older sister found them and we ended up attached to each other. They know me better than I know myself it feels like." He chuckled, not wanting to admit that they had also been taking care of him for years. Though it felt a bit disrespectful to their efforts to not verbalize them no matter how embarrassed he was to say it.

Later though.

Over dinner, they would have time to talk about more things, and Seki was so curious about Nobori. It would only be fair to talk about himself as well if Nobori wished to.

"No food preferences though... and I don't mind if your companion joins us. You have some pretty strong Pokemon at your side," Seki said with a faint smile. "so I have no reason to be wary of any other Pokemon you consider a companion." He was probably being a bit too trusting, and he could already hear Yone scolding him for putting too much faith in strangers, especially someone from a rival clan.

But both clans had been relatively peaceful since Seki took over, and they were actively trying to make a truce.

If this truce was even going to work, he had to be willing to take the first step.

Shifting and pulling his legs free from his Pokemon, he took a breath, then stood. "I can get a campfire going if you'd like." Seki offered, though really, he just didn't want to sit there and do nothing while Nobori wrangled up dinner.

[crazyk-imagine]

Married Off to a Beast?! (Or Troll)

Pairing: King George x Fem!reader Characters: Charlotte, Fem!reader, King George, Adolphus (briefly mentioned) Warnings: A memoriable scene, fluff, Charlotte doesn’t approve of running away, George is a simp, Reader and George are enamored with each other, Charlotte is a hypocrite, George regrets nothing, reader knows she can’t resist him now, reader showing skin O:O Word Count: 1,356

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You walk back and forth in front of the wall. You take a deep breath and step closer. "Charlotte help me." 

"No," she shakes her head, wanting little to no part in your escape. 

You spin around to look at her, your body visible for anyone to see if they walk down this path to the garden. "Your brother married me off without my consent, you will help me." 

She huffs, scratching the side of her head. Out of the two of them (her and her brother), she's always had a harder time saying no to you. 

"Fine." 

George watches as you call for her assistance and decides to walk further down. Neither of noticed him, not until he cleared his throat. “Hello, My Lady.” 

You glance over your shoulder to find a charming man standing a few feet away. 

He turns to your cousin. “My Lady.” 

Her eye twitches, you know it did; you didn’t have to look at her to know. “Are you in need of assistance of some kind?” 

“Uh, I am quite fine, thank you.” You return to your mission. “You can go back inside and wait with all the other gawkers.” 

Charlotte whispers your name. She understands your feelings about the situation but there is a better way to address someone. 

"I… will. What are you doing?" 

You huff, “nothing.” 

“You’re doing something.” 

You internally groan, not wanting to berate some man for something he had no control over. “I am not.” 

“You are.” 

“I am not.” 

“You are.” 

“I am not.” 

“You are!” 

You jump down from your place and spin around to face him. "If you must know, I am being shipped off into a marriage I did not give my consent to and one I had no prior knowledge of, therefore I am leaving before it can happen." 

"Oh," his brows shot up in surprise. 

“Yes, so I am currently trying to find the best way to climb over this damned garden wall so that I may live my life the way I choose to.” 

He mutters a few things, trying to understand this new information he’s been given. “Whatever for?” 

"For the love of-" She mutters, hearing the wheels turning in your head. 

"I believe he may be a beast.” 

"He isn't," she assures you. 

"How do you know? I mean, do you know what he looks like?" 

She rolls her eyes, knowing you’ve been on edge since... well, since you were informed of your future role. 

“You think he is a beast?” 

“Or a troll.” 

“Uh, who are we discussing.” 

You furrow your brows, “no one who concerns you.” You study the wall, sighing to yourself. “The King. Only because no one will speak of him. No one. So, he can only be a beast or a troll if that’s the case.” 

“Understood.” 

Charlotte shakes her head, lowering it so George doesn’t see the disappointment on her face. 

“If I grab there,” you point to an ideal spot. “You can assist me by lifting me up.” 

“One question. You do not like beasts or trolls? What he looks like matters?” 

You shrug, “I do not care what he looks like. I care about my sanity… and the not knowing. That, that is what I do not like. I do not like the not knowing. Now come here and help me.” You gesture for him to come closer. “She will not help me. You grab here,” you hold your waist, “and lift me.” 

“You want me to lift you over the wall so you may escape?” 

“That is what I said, is it not.” 

You shake your head, mumbling to yourself, “it’s as if he isn’t listening.” 

“Won’t people notice you are missing?” 

“Her brother will make her take my place, I’m sure.” 

“What?” Charlotte nearly screeches. 

“I have little care to worry about that. Now, if you please. I just need a little assistance from a more cooperative audience. Make haste.” 

“I have absolutely no intention of helping you.” 

You’re baffled. You step off the wall and march towards him. “Do you not see I am a lady in distress. You refuse to help me? Again, a lady in distress.” 

“I refuse when that lady in distress is trying to go over a wall so that she does not have to marry someone I think you'll find rather appealing." 

You furrow your brows, "and why's that?" 

"Because I am... his majesty." 

You take a step back, realizing the many errors you’ve made leading up to now. 

“Hello,” he says your name. 

"Oh, no," your cousin mutters. She takes a step closer, pulling you towards her. "Be quiet and bow." 

You start to apologize. “I am deeply s…” 

And then your training (from when you were a young girl) kicks in and you bow, "My King." 

"No, no. Just George." 

"Your majesty." 

"Not your majesty, George." 

"Your-" 

Your cousin rolls her eyes and sneaks away (not wanting to listen to you two anymore). She’s off to find her brother. Not to mention the fact that she needs to hide from her betrothed as well… which explains why she willingly followed you.

"George." 

"You-" 

"George." 

"Y-" 

"George." 

"Your-" 

"I mean, yes your majesty to you, just George… For you, I will be your George, I like that," he smiles. 

“I- I need you to accept my apology. You see, if I had known-” 

“You would have what? Not told me you were trying to escape?” 

“Yes- wait no, I mean…” You huff, “I do apologize your majesty.” 

“George… Your George. The “King” situation towers over us and I was hoping as my wife, I could be just George to you. I mean, that was of course, before I found out that you do not want to be married to me.” 

You furrow your brows, “I did not say that.” 

“You did.” 

“No.” 

“Many times, in fact.” 

You purse your lips in anger, knowing he’s right. “I do not know you.” 

He raises his arms, “I do not know you either… other than finding out… how terrible you are at climbing a wall.” 

You scoff, “you try climbing in this,” you wave to your outfit and lift the skirts of your dress, showing him your ankles. “These garments and shoes. They’re terrible, but if I don’t want to hurt myself, I must.” 

His constant stare worries you. 

“What?” 

“I- No one told me you’d be this beautiful. Perhaps, you’re too beautiful to marry me. People will talk… given I’m a troll.” 

“I believe I said beast.” 

He chuckles. 

Your face twists as if you’re in pain but only thinking of your future marriage. “Your majesty.” 

“George.” 

“George. I- I still do not know you.” 

“What do you want to know?” 

“Everything.” 

“Ev- fine.” He gives you information to help ease you into knowing more about him and potentially help your future marriage. 

“It sounds like you’re bragging.” 

He chuckles, “another to know about me is that… I am- well, nervous about marrying a girl I’m only just meeting minutes before our wedding. Only, I cannot show it and climb over a wall because I am the king of Britian and Ireland and that would, cause a scandal. But I promise you, I am neither a troll, nor a beast. Just your George.” 

The corners of your lips twitch. 

Charlotte’s voice interrupts you two. “My brother is on his way, so we must leave now.” 

“I-” 

“I have one question.” 

“Yes?” 

“Have you decided whether you wish to marry me? Or would you prefer to go over the wall?” 

You gulp. 

“As much as I would love to hear your answer, I have to go because I believe there are some anxious guards who think I’ve been kidnapped.” He grabs your hand and whispers your name as he places a kiss upon it. “I hope to see you in there.” 

You watch as he walks away. “Have you decided? Because there will be a scandal one way or another.” 

“I-” you take a deep breath. “Come with me, you impatient brat.” 

“I am not a brat.” 

“You are.” 

“Am not.”

[suzdin]

Washed Up Has-Been: a Dieter Bravo one shot

Dieter Bravo x F!Plus Size!Reader

Warnings: soft!Dieter, sweet!Dieter, smut, angst, bodily insecurities, reader is plus sized but no other physical attributes are described, Dieter is a little chubby as well, mentions of drugs and alcohol, oral (m receiving), mention of sex toys, fluff? (gasp!), did I forget anything? I know next to nothing about the film industry, don’t judge me :(

Word Count: 2,800

Enjoy and feel free to reblog and comment if you wish! 💜🙂

——

Dieter Bravo had not been the same since Cliff Beasts 6.

What did they call it? Losing your spark? Your mojo? Your moxy? Whatever it was called, he’d lost it, along with his marbles… if he ever had any to begin with, and he was sure many would agree he hadn’t.

The reviews were bad, abhorrent, really. ‘Dieter Bravo as Gio Ricci baffling’, ‘Bravo couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag’, ‘I can’t believe this man has an Oscar’, ‘Did he get his Italian accent at an Olive Garden?’, on and on the critics wailed and lambasted.

He’d had a mental break shortly after the premier, firing everyone he could in his vicinity — his publicist, his hair stylist and manicurist, hell, even his agent of twenty five years. He’d hired a new one, of course, a potential script FedExed to his door that morning, fist curled and white knuckled in anger around the thick stack of papers as he perched himself like a sentient gargoyle on his couch, in the tattered clothes he’d been wearing for nearly a week.

A dad. They wanted him to play a fucking dad, some sort of buddy comedy family film opposite Dwayne Johnson, it might be a good move for your career, buddy, his agent had explained. But seriously, him? Hollywood heart throb Dieter Bravo, reduced to playing someone’s bumbling father, opposite THE FUCKING ROCK?

He couldn’t believe it.

He had put on some weight since his last film, sure, but that was no reason or excuse to allow himself to be typecasted as a dad.

Or was it the ever persistent graying in his hair and beard? The laugh lines? The crow’s feet?

‘Dieter Bravo is a washed up has-been’ the internet screamed at him daily, leading him to drown himself in an endless stream of drugs and alcohol…more so than he was already doing, anyway.

He was barely a functioning person. A husk of his former self, he could no longer get it up, unsure whether to blame the drugs or his steadily fleeting mental health, and even putting brush to canvas felt more like a chore than an escape nowadays. He’d become a hermit in his own home, the ghastly, aging 1970s mid-century horror he resided in the Hollywood Hills, that he thought was amazing when he originally bought it a decade ago.

Well, much like him, older things fall apart, and the house was a piece of shit, which was apt.

He had hired you as his assistant and he was so vague as to what that entailed that you were sort of a jack of all trades as far as helping was concerned, acting as his maid, his cook, the middle man to screen his calls, his emails, so on and so forth. Hell, you even took care of the large python he’d bought ‘because it looked cool’, that he was now too scared to touch, himself.

You did it all, and although he never properly expressed as much, he was more grateful for you than he let on.

He always found you pretty, too. Beautiful, even, and not in the fake way he’d grown used to, living in Hollywood. You were kind, sweet, and uncorrupted by a crueler world, always happy and eager to assist him with whatever he needed.

And if he was being honest with himself, the thought of you sheathed around his cock was the only thing that could even get him half hard anymore.

When you arrive for the day, you find him on his couch, glowering at what you can only assume is another bad script, graying hair disheveled and curling away from his skull, teeth gritted in disdain. A look you had come to recognize and were more than familiar with.

“Let me take that to the garbage for you,” you offer, as you normally do in these situations, stepping forward to reach for the offending script.

His eyes clock the way your breasts sway when you walk, the roundness of your belly, the plushness of your arms. He can’t help but stare; he wants to bury himself in you and stay there forever.

He swallows, moving the script away from your extended hand and tucking it behind a cushion, distracted by your body.

“No — no, it’s okay,” he replies and his voice feels like gravel in his throat, realizing he hasn’t spoken all day until now.

Although the script sucks and he doesn’t want to do it, he needs the money. “Thanks.”

You notice his eyes on you and you sit, leaving about a foot of space between you to maintain a modicum of professionalism, observing the sadness behind his dark brown eyes and knowing this has been the norm for several months now but still hating it for what it is.

“What’s on the docket for today?” you ask him and he shrugs, unhelpfully, his lips pulled into a frown, shadows staining the lines of his face. You haven’t seen him this bad in a while.

“I can… make you some hot tea?” you ask, looking down at the schedule in your lap, of which nothing is jotted down for the day.

He shakes his head, carding a hand through his hair. “No. I’m out of tea.”

You chew your lip. “Okay… well, then I guess I’m running to the store today. I have a list already, but can you think of anything else?”

Once again, he shakes his head. “No. I’ll just order it or something.”

You frown and tuck the schedule away, crossing your legs and turning to face him, contemplative.

“Then what do you want me to do today? You’re paying me to be here,” you note. “Unless you’d rather I go home.”

“No!” he damn near shouts, making you jump, and he immediately regrets his lack of impulse control. His gaze traverses your subtle cleavage and you clear your throat, heat warming your skin. “Sorry, it’s just… I don’t want to be alone right now. Can we just hang out?” he queries.

“Dieter, are you okay?” you question and he shakes his head in response.

“No.” A single word that says so much more than that. It pulls at your heart strings, seeing him like this. “I — I’m a nobody.”

“You aren’t a nobody, you’re Oscar winner Dieter fucking Bravo,” you counter, and he snorts, picking at some dry skin on his ankle.

“Yeah, Dieter fucking Bravo, the aging has-been who can’t act his way out of a paper bag,” he snorts.

“If you keep talking like that, I’m going to take away your internet access so you can’t read all the mean tweets about yourself,” you threaten.

“You wouldn’t.”

“One call to your financial advisor and I would and could,” you retort and Dieter scoffs, trying to remember if he’d fired him yet or not.

You cross your arms and flop back against the worn and flattened couch cushions, eyeing him smugly.

The movement pushes your chest up and out, his gaze on you once again and he isn’t subtle about it this time. You clear your throat and stir, staring back at his soft, plush lips.

“Dieter—“

“Come here,” he murmurs quietly and the spontaneity of it catches you off guard, your jaw hanging agape in disbelief and confusion.

“…What?”

It had been months since anyone had touched him, had wanted to touch him, and now, as he stares at your body and smells your light vanilla perfume, after the shitty week he’s had, he needs to be touched, even if only briefly.

“Come… here,” he repeats, more dogged than before, and in spite of yourself, despite how unprofessional it is, you find yourself scooting forward.

He grabs your hips when you’re within reach and drags you the rest of the way, pulling the cushion partially off the couch in the process, a small yelp of surprise escaping your lungs as he softly grips your face to bring his lips to yours.

They’re plush, dry, lightly chapped and he tastes a little like whiskey and weed, but you don’t really mind, his coarse, wiry mustache scratching and tickling against your nose.

Suddenly, with a soft groan in the back of his throat, his hand is under your shirt, cupping your breast, and you break the kiss, looking down to where his arm disappears beneath the fabric, shock settling over your features.

“Dee… are you… are you sure?” you ask. You don’t exactly look like the people Dieter had been confirmed dating in the past, and you feel a wave of trepidation, your self conscious nature bubbling to the surface. You’ve always felt Dieter Bravo was more than a little out of your league.

Not that you’re dating him, but, you know.

“I wouldn’t be doing this if I wasn’t sure,” he tuts and kisses you again, rougher this time, palming your breast, making your cunt throb.

He groans. You’re so good to him, always taking such good care of him, and you feel exactly the way he thought you would, warm and luscious and supple, his dick already fighting with the seam of his pajama pants, the first time in weeks.

And you’ve wanted this, too, as long as you’ve worked for him, never confessing your feelings for fear of losing your job. You never imagined Dieter fucking Bravo would feel the same way about you.

You know Dee needs this, you need this, and you want to make him feel good.

You brush a hand over his hardening cock and he damn near bucks himself straight off the couch with a grunt and a sharply uttered, “Fuck” against your lips. You grin into his mouth at how much composure he’s already lost from so few touches.

You pull away after a moment and scoot off the couch, sinking onto your knees in front of him, nestling yourself between his broad thighs.

He watches you, rigid cock tremoring in his pants at the sight, the outline of it clearly visible and straining against the fabric. “You… you don’t have to…” His voice is thick, haggard.

“Let me take care of you, Dee,” you mewl as you nuzzle your face against the squishy paunch of his stomach, lifting his shirt to plant small, reverent kisses in a circle around his belly button. He giggles and flinches at the contact.

“Sorry, sorry — ticklish,” he explains and you smile, placing a few more kisses there, more delicate than the ones that preceded them, trailing a line from his navel to the thick swathe of hair leading to his crotch.

Despite the pounds he’s put on recently, he doesn’t feel at all uncomfortable in front of you, eyes darkening as he drinks you in visually, lips tight and parted, breaths growing deeper in the barrel of his chest.

You look up and from your current perspective, he’s all wild haired and broad shouldered, panting, your cunt clenching with desire as you eye him with a wry grin.

You smooth his shirt down over his belly and move your face to the hard bulge below, nosing the bulk of it through the fabric and inhaling his natural scent, thick and musky and masculine in your nostrils. You both groan in unison.

“Dear god,” he grunts, “I feel like I’m about to— aaaaugh— fucking bust already.”

“Save it for my mouth, at least,” you snip and his head rolls back against the cushion at your words, the one with the sag in the middle where his neck always rests, eyes sliding shut.

“You’re so good for me,” he pants softly, already so close to falling apart, “I take you for granted and I’m sorry.”

“Dieter, shh.” You find the stretchy waistband of his striped trousers and drag them down his hips, not all surprised to see he’s gone commando, cock springing free from the cage of fabric, uncut and dribbling against the drag of soft cotton. He’s girthy, and you’ve never seen one intact in the flesh before — literally — a small puff of air escaping your lips, taking in the sight of him for a few seconds before coming to your senses.

“Is everything alr—“ he starts to ask, cutting himself off when you unexpectedly cup his heavy balls in your palm and lick a slow stripe up his length with the flat of your tongue, his hips quivering and bucking involuntarily. “Shit—“

You grin, humming satisfactorily to yourself and continue to tease him, his hands finding your hair, fingers twisting at the roots as the rings he insists on wearing get caught in the strands, pulling ever so slightly. You moan.

You feel incredible, your tongue working his most sensitive areas, and he’s having a hard time holding it together, torso heaving above you, tiny whimpers departing his lips, and he hasn’t even entered your mouth yet.

You sense how much trouble he’s having at keeping himself in check, so you back off a touch to give him a momentary reprieve, shifting to kiss along the meat of his inner thighs, nipping at the tiny elephant tattoos etched into his skin as you do so.

He cups one hand on the back of your neck, watching you through half-lidded eyes, your lips like pure velvet and heaven.

He’s already forgotten about the shitty script tucked into the couch, about the bad reviews and the critics with their cruel, baseless quips. Faded away to nothingness, akin to what he experiences when he’s completely blitzed, negative thoughts dissolving to the back of his mind to be discarded, and for now, for the moment, the only thing that matters is you, your beauty, and how well you take care of him.

After what seems like an eternity of small, worshipping, teasing touches to the insides of his thighs and the rim of his belly, your lips return to his cock, lapping at the precum that’s beaded up at the slit before taking him into your mouth, hand fisted at the base as you work him into your throat.

He’s impervious at this point to keep his hips flush against the couch, shuddering into your mouth as you take him and pushing further down your throat, not entirely on purpose, moaning as the wet heat of your mouth engulfs him.

“Wanna— fuck your pussy next time— with a vibrating plug in your ass,” he grunts, hardly able to string a single cohesive thought together, making your cunt throb and slick leak into the cradle of your panties.

Dieter wasn’t one to shy away from toys, and in fact had an entire drawer full of them, which you had accidentally stumbled upon one day when putting away some of his clothes; everything from butt plugs to cock rings to flesh lights with multiple attachments and bondage gear.

You steady his hips with your hands and hold him in place as best you can, difficult with how much stronger he is than you, jaw stretching to fit him, the musky tang of him flooding your tastebuds.

You steadily rock your head up and down his length, taking him all the way to the back of your throat, and you can feel the veins running the length of his shaft pulsating against your tongue, feel the way his balls tighten as he edges ever closer to the precipice.

He’s wanted you, needed you, for so long, that he can’t contain himself much longer. His hips begin to stutter and you feel his body growing taut, hear his breaths growing shallow and haggard, fingers curling against your scalp.

“I’m… I’m gonna… fucking cum,” he grunts deep in his chest. That’s all the warning he allows before his hips stall and he lets out a visceral growl of pleasure, spilling a hot and heavy load across your tongue, some of it seeping out at the edges and dribbling down his thighs until you’re able to steady yourself.

You hold him in your mouth until you feel the very last drop hit the back of your throat, slowly pulling off only when you feel him starting to go soft.

“You should really clean up this awful mess you’ve made,” Dieter taunts when you sit back to catch your breath, watching the cocktail of spend and saliva slide down his tan skin.

You grin and tip your head forward to obediently lap at the escaped fluids. He groans as he savors the delicious sight of you, affectionately brushing his fingers through your hair as you do so.

After a moment, you rise from the ground, your knees cracking from the exertion, joining him on the couch as he tugs his pajama bottoms back up his hips.

He snakes an arm around the small of your back and kisses you, deep and full, moaning when he tastes remnants of himself on your tongue.

He grins against your lips and then rises, yanking you off the couch and giggling along with you when you pass him a perplexed look.

“Where are we going now?” you ask, pleased to see him happy and relaxed again after all this time, to actually see him smiling.

“You took care of me, so I’m going to take care of you. You’re familiar with my special drawer, aren’t you?”

—

FIN. xx

[valictini]

I've been asking myself these questions regarding totk's story and my deep disappointment in it, because I know a lot of people loved it, I know a lot of people felt it was a better story than botw, and I know a lot of people believe that Zelda games never had good stories to begin with....

But no, I do think the story objectively sucks, is worse than botw's, and could have easily been better. Totk's story is flashier and that's pretty much all it has to offer.

Part of it is its execution, how using the same blueprint as botw (deliberately non linear) was a baffling move when you tried to tell a linear story. You shouldn't be punished for pursuing the story earlier than when the devs planned. You shouldn't be able to spoil yourself the story. You shouldn't be presented with the exact same information 4+ times at points where you're supposed to be rewarded for your efforts. You shouldnt have to slog through a mystery when the game KNOWS you already know the answer. And yet, this happened to an alarmingly large number of people!

So yes, the execution wasn't good.

But the story itself isn't good either. Not only did they decide to cut ties with botw's lore, but they didn't even fully commit to the new lore they introduced.

The zonai civilisation has no substance. We see two (2) of its members and only interact with their ghosts in very, very few instances. During those interactions, we do learn tidbits of this civilisation, but as soon as the tutorial is over, you will never learn anything new from a zonai again. A couple lines during the tutorial is where the bulk of zonai lore happens. The rest is: jumping minigame said to be the same ritual young zonai would do to become adults and the explanation of draconification.

You could maybe say that the mere existence of zonai tech, the mere existence of secret stones, the zonai gear and the ancient hero aspect could be considered zonai lore. But what these things only really add to the lore is that the Zonai 1) were always everywhere and 2) were very powerful. That's pretty much it.

(The ancient hero aspect is especially infuriating to me. It could be a whole post.)

So, not only did they replace the Sheikah by the Zonai for no reason, they didn't even flesh them out enough to be interesting. But they didn't exploit the rest of the story to its fullest either.

- The heart of the story happens in the ancient era, yet we don't see much of it. All the new things we see: the inside of ancient hyrule castle's throne room, a garden and one (1) gazebo in a field. We don't get lore for the dungeons aside from their name, and the ancient sages don't add anything to them either. In general, we don't get lore of the ancient races, not even the hylians or the gerudos.

- Zelda was retconed into being stupid enough not to make the connection between Ganondorf and calamity Ganon. She was also sent back into being a compliant little princess that can't put her foot down when she knows the people around her are making mistakes.

(As an aside, I'm fully of the opinion that Calamity Ganon was a better antagonist than Ganondorf. At least you don't have to fanfic your way into understanding why he wants Hyrule destroyed. He's a magical beast full of hatred, the end.)

- The whole plot is centered around dragons, and yet totk manages to have LESS content surrounding the three dragons of Hyrule than fucking botw.

- Hylia is no relevant anymore. The statues are apparently their own entities? And they have counterparts in the depths with he bargainer statues? Never elaborated on.

The ending cutscene contains a deus ex machina that manages to retcon elements of its OWN story. (Rauru was supposed to be gone after the tutorial. Zelda was supposed to be gone after becoming a dragon.) Realistically, I knew Zelda wouldn't stay a dragon, but I was genuinely shocked at how little of an explanation we get for her return.

And we have 0 impact on her return as a player. Nothing we do matters. She turns back no matter what. Despite many opportunities to make it work in universe.

We could have had something tied with the other dragons, the three sources, to Purah's experiments with time, to the four temples, to Hylia, to the bargainer statues, to the triforce...

But no, just a vague "ghosts that should have disappeared eons ago use their powers to get her back through your arm".

We don't even have an alternate bad ending where this doesn't happen. It will happen, no matter what. For the cinematic shot at the end.

Oh and Link had to get his arm back too. I know they needed their cool parallel of Link catching her hand at the same angle as when he failed to do so at the beginning, but it just all feels so inconsequential as a result.

Everything's solved, everything's good, nothing that happened in this game ever mattered.

[ironmandeficiency]

stupid goose

pairing: fíli / hobbit!reader

word count: 2953

summary: a goose followed fili into erebor and refused to leave

a/n: this has taken over my brain

no one knew where that damn demon bird came from. all anyone knew is that when fíli returned from the markets of dale one day, he was trailed by a goose. this goose demanded in very angry honks to be let into erebor right behind the golden prince, and despite every attempt made to shoo the thing outside, the goose remained.

it honked during council meetings, entertained some of the young pebbles that had returned to erebor with their families, and generally caused a disturbance everywhere it waddled. fíli took to naming his new pet trøbbel, and he grew to appreciate the feathered chaos harbinger.

thorin couldn’t stand the damn thing. it would flap and honk and nip at him at the most odd times, namely when he was scolding his nephews. the king under the mountain was halfway convinced that fíli trained it to behave so.

the days turned to weeks, weeks into months, and trøbbel stuck around through it all. he was a common companion, and a very proper one indeed. eventually he learned some semblance of patience; the standard amount of patience in geese was alarmingly similar to the patience of dwarves.

trøbbel definitely lived up to his name, so much so that when bilbo sent word that he was planning a springtime visit to the mountain in a few months’ time, multiple correspondents thought it fit to warn their burglar about the newest addition.

“dear bilbo,

the company is delighted to hear of your pending visit to the mountain! many things have changed for the better since uncle was crowned king (not his temper, unfortunately for us all). everyone is looking forward to seeing you again, though i do carry a warning with this letter.

you see, a few months ago i involuntarily acquired a wild goose as a companion. he made himself known to me after leaving dale one afternoon and rather violently refused to be parted from my side.

this goose is a mighty beast that honks and bites diplomats (dwalin never loved him more than when he nipped at thranduil upon first glance of the elf) and steals food from the plates of those not paying attention. i warn you because trøbbel is very suspicious of new people, and i don’t want you falling victim to his wiles if he finds that you don’t have snacks for him upon arrival.

see you soon,

prince fíli”

bilbo was baffled. he was confuddled, stupefied even. how in yavanna’s green gardens fíli ended up with a goose was beyond his reckoning. the last time he heard of a goose forcing its way into someone’s life in this manner was being told the story of how his parents met when he was a wee fauntling.

it was a somewhat rare phenomenon among hobbits to be found by a goose in such a way. they were said to guide hobbits to their soulmates, the other half of their soul as created by lady yavanna. the goddess had to create an animal stubborn enough to aid her hobbit children in finding their soulmates, one that could easily navigate the hills and rivers of their lands, and the goose was her solution.

even though erebor was no west farthing, bilbo could imagine that any goose worth its tail feathers would find a way to survive in the lonely mountain. and, based on the letter he just read, one has.

taking into consideration the thing’s audacity, that bird of fíli’s is definitely a soulmate goose, and a right bugger at that.

the first thing he now had to do was inform fortinbras of this development. as thain and cousin, bilbo was sure that he could find some sound advice there.

now, if bilbo could figure out how to explain that fíli has a hobbit for a soulmate without putting thorin and balin into their deathbeds, that would be just peachy.

“HONK! HONK HONK!”

“i cannot believe you, tansy!”

“HONK!”

“yeah you better run, you wretched thing!”

tansy the goose had to be the biggest pain in the backside you’ve ever met, and that’s saying something considering the run-ins you’ve had with the bracegirdles.

she followed you to the markets, when you went on walks among the meadows and fields, and even snuck into the washroom to be there when you bathed. in your opinion, it was all a bit too much.

your tansy gave the wizard gandalf a run for his money when it came to disturbing the peace. on days you went to the market, she would follow you and honk all the way at passersby and intimidate them off the dirt path you were on.

she also picked up a very peculiar habit of trying to (and sometimes succeeding to) snag fine jewelry from the booths of dwarrow traveling through from the blue mountains. every time you would turn and see a shiny glint of silver or gold hanging from her beak, your heart would drop to your feet in fear. thus far, the merchants you’ve encountered were very understanding of your feathery thief and harbored no ill will against you as you returned their wares to the tune of an angry goose.

while those situations were mortifying and anxiety-inducing, you’ve reached the end of your rope today. tansy has committed a grievous sin by brutalizing your blackberry patch to the point of there being almost nothing left worth eating and you’ve had it up to your ears with her.

you chased her with a wooden spoon as you ranted about her foul deed and resolved to talk to someone about what to do about tansy the chaos goose. maybe the thain would have some advice?

“uncle! we’ve got a reply from bilbo!” kíli waved the letter in the air excitedly as he barged into his uncle’s chambers.

fíli follows kíli in, rolling his eyes as he snatches the parchment from his brother’s hand. “no, i got a reply from bilbo.”

the golden prince makes no mention of the second page bilbo wrote to him with explicit instructions to keep it to himself. that morsel of information was for him and him alone - well, for him and trøbbel, of course.

“hurry up and read it!”

“i would if you’d stop flapping about like trøbbel!”

in response to being compared to kíli (or maybe just hearing his name), trøbbel honked indignantly.

“dearest fíli,

it pleases me greatly to know that erebor is flourishing under your uncle’s rule. i am most excited to see you all again, especially in the comforts of your home.

while i thank you for your warning, i have some news of my own to share. there will be a hobbitess accompanying me on my trip-“

thorin cut off his nephew, his bright mood upon receiving bilbo’s correspondence immediately clouding over. “he’s bringing a hobbit lass?” the king’s thoughts immediately sour with thoughts of his burglar introducing the company to a spouse wooed by his tales of adventure.

both brothers caught the sudden wave of melancholy that surged through their uncle. his feelings for bilbo were a poorly-kept secret among the company, but there were none who had the courage to call attention to it.

“you’re almost as bad as kee with interrupting me,” fíli chastised before clearing his throat to continue.

“-there will be a hobbitess accompanying me on my trip that shares in your feathered predicament. with the description you gave me of your trøbbel, i’d bet all of my fourteenth share that he’d get along swimmingly with her tansy. she’s a menace, that one.”

“see uncle, you can remove that frown! bilbo isn’t courting anyone back in the shire!” kíli interjected with a small smile and an elbow nudge, hoping to goad thorin back into a good mood.

fíli sighed the sigh of a long-suffering older brother. “this is exactly what i mean when i talk about you interrupting me, kee!”

“but he was sad!”

“and i’m annoyed!”

“boys!”

one word put the squabbling siblings back in line.

“sorry, uncle.”

“do continue, fíli.”

“i send this letter ahead of me from bree. i hope you receive it in proper time so you can prepare the mountain for the impending doom that will be brought upon by two geese occupying erebor.

if you note the bite marks in bottom right corner and the occasional blots of stray ink on the parchment, those are courtesy of tansy. she sends her well wishes along with mine.

your burglar,

bilbo baggins”

thorin looks at trøbbel where he’s squatted directly on top of thorin’s favorite bedpillow like the cruel beast he is. the smug bastard has a wicked gleam in his eye as if he knows he’ll soon have a partner in crime to terrorize the whole mountain alongside.

oh mahal, please watch over this mountain.

erebor was teeming with anticipation, both for the arrival of the famed dragonriddler and for the next act of war from trøbbel. for nigh on three weeks, the royal bird has been eerily well-behaved. this was so out of character that fíli carried his companion to óin in the hopes the healer could figure out what malady had struck his friend.

there was nothing obvious to blame for the sudden silence of the royal bird, so the healer told fíli to watch over his bird and take as good care of him as possible.

he didn’t know much of anything about geese, so he simply opted to treat his companion like kíli when he was sick.

a cozy new bed was constructed, fíli monitored his food, and things seemed to be getting better. trøbbel slowly came back to his regular gremlin self, causing chaos that was mildly tamer than before.

at least the mountain didn’t get too comfortable without his shenanigans, because when bilbo arrived with his companion and their goose, all hell broke loose.

“hmm,” bilbo hummed to himself as he observed tansy sitting demurely on her designated pillow. she’d been oddly calm today, as if she knew where her company was going.

when bilbo explained the significance of tansy’s appearance in your life, you were flabbergasted. the idea of true soulmates was a sweet one yet painfully unrealistic in your eyes, something you read in bedtime stories. but with both bilbo and thain fortinbras’s confirmation that you received a soulmate goose from yavanna, you couldn’t deny it any longer.

then bilbo claimed he knew your soulmate and had fought alongside him against trolls and goblins and orcs and a dragon. he told you that he was rather fond of the dwarves of erebor, and that they were rambunctious and honorable.

but when he spoke of king thorin, the uncle of your soulmate, something was decidedly different from how he spoke of the rest of the company he kept. you could see the way his body visibly relaxed, how his eyes were softer and the appearance of pink on the tips of his ears.

your friend clearly held something more than respect for the dwarf king.

one night around the campfire, you told tansy about your suspicions. for a hooligan goose, she was a rather good conversationalist.

“i think bilbo loves that king of his, tansy.”

“HONK!”

“exactly! that’s what i was thinking!”

tansy honks back in response. living among hobbits, she seemed to pick up on some social etiquettes and right now, it was as if you were pleasantly chatting over afternoon tea.

you pondered what to do about this new development. bilbo was always seen as a bachelor, someone unattainable by shire standards. but just maybe, by the grace of yavanna, he’ll find his love in the heart of a king.

“say tansy,” a soft honk of acknowledgement came from your goose, “when you’re done leading me to my soulmate, can you help bilbo find his?”

in years to come, you will swear by the fact tansy nodded at you that evening by the fire.

“they’re here!”

“bilbo!”

“our burglar has returned!”

in the distance, they could see bilbo making his way towards the front entrance of erebor and unbridled joy swept through the company. how they’ve all missed their burglar in his absence from the mountain.

bard was walking alongside bilbo, who had dismounted from his pony when he entered dale and was guiding him along by the reins. at bilbo’s other side was another hobbit, presumably the lass he mentioned in his letter, and waddling with pride beside them was a goose wearing a red ribbon tied into a neat bow.

fíli made a break for the front gates as soon as the horn announcing bilbo’s arrival echoed through the crisp air. he genuinely missed bilbo and was plenty excited to meet the goose (and the hobbitess) described in his letters.

trøbbel dutifully followed behind his dwarf, waddling just fast enough to keep pace. at first. but in the distance, the royal goose of erebor heard a honk that resonated so deeply in him that he couldn’t dawdle with fíli, he had to go immediately.

his orange webbed feet pitter-pattered on the stone floors with the intensity of oliphaunts and the speed of rhosgobel rabbits, honking all the way. members of the company hollered after the speeding goose but trøbbel paid them no heed, far too focused on his destination.

“oi! trøbbel you mangy beast, get back here!”

“you ain’t beatin’ us to our burglar!”

the dwarves stood no chance at catching him, only following behind him like goslings in a rather lopsided row. apparently, trøbbel was going to beat them.

tansy was going to turn you grey long before your time if she had anything to say about it.

that wild beast of a bird strutted into dale with the attitude of the most pretentious hobbits in the west farthing, catching all sorts of strange looks from the big folk who never beheld such a human-acting animal. she honked and nodded to the growing crowd in greeting. you sighed at her antics but carried on, watching as bilbo’s entire countenance changed the closer he got to his dwarrow.

watching the entrance to the dwarven kingdom grow ever closer, you felt strangely lighter, almost as if you were coming home.

before you knew it, there was a stampede of dwarrow emerging from the front gates headed straight towards you and bilbo, led by a goose. logic told you that they were his friends from the journey, that they missed him more than you could imagine missing anyone.

but then tansy let out a screeching honk unlike anything you’ve ever heard in all your days. she immediately bolted for the feathered line leader, not even the slightest bit worried about being trampled by the pounding feet of dwarrow.

“tansy! tansy! oh you reckless fiend, you’re lucky i didn’t cook you on the way here!”

chasing after her was a terrible idea. instead, you elected to watch from beside your pony and hope for the best.

recalling bilbo’s stories, you could point out a few of his companions. bombur with his braided beard that weaves into itself, nori with the star points atop his head, thorin with his raven-colored hair…

the king of erebor was running like a hooligan towards bilbo at full speed, a wide smile on his face that bilbo led you to believe was a nigh impossible feat.

you nudge your friend with a smile, wondering why his feet weren’t going a mile a minute to reunite with his dwarf. “go to him,” you whispered. this seemed to spur him into action, bilbo making a mad dash for his king.

when thorin caught bilbo in a leaping embrace, their laughter was infectious. even tansy was honking joyously with them, echoed by another bit of loud honking you couldn’t place.

looking over, your tansy was nuzzling with the ereborian goose. they were waddling around each other inquisitively at first, then plopped down to the side of the path to watch the joyous reunion of king and burglar.

within moments, you realized what this meant: your soulmate was on his way. oh green gardens, you weren’t ready!

meeting your prince soulmate now, after a ragged journey across middle earth while covered in yavanna-knows-what, had your nerves vibrating with tension. your hands were clammy, eyes flitting around to spot him based on bilbo’s descriptions.

“trøbbel! oi you bugger, how dare you run ahead!”

you heard one voice clearly through the thicket of joyous bustling, and the entire world came to a screeching halt.

your soulmate wore a smile that could have blinded you, and his laughter put you in a tailspin. in the golden light of morning, his hair shone like the wheat fields you grew up playing in.

you had to be closer to him without another moment’s delay.

without your permission, your feet began to carry you into the growing crowd of dwarrow towards fíli. part of you wanted to dig your heels into the dirt because you didn’t know what to say to him! how did one even begin to introduce themselves to the person that the gods made to be their other half?

turns out you didn’t have to answer that question on your own.

in the time he spent on the road with bilbo, fíli learned quite a few pieces of important information about hobbits. they valued their food and their gardens, and placed great importance on flowers and their meanings. so when presented with his hobbit soulmate, he knew exactly how to make a good first impression.

presenting you a few sprigs of purple lilacs, he approached his one with a charming smile. “i imagine you’re starving from the trip here, love. would you like me to fetch you a warm meal straight from the royal kitchens?”

[its-not-a-pen]

1460th day as the prime minister of han and you are the enemy general at my mercy. since your absolute loser of a liege lord is MIA you agree to work for me until he returns and in exchange i agree not to raze your city to the ground and put every rebel to the sword. i hope this magnanimous gesture will convince you of my good intentions. 

1461st day as the prime minister of han in order to knock you down a few pegs i try to sabotage your integrity by making you share a room with your loser liege lord's two wives but you just stand outside the door all night with a candle and aren't tempted at all. (i am honestly baffled, as far as i'm concerned other people's wives are utterly irresistible.)

1462nd day as the prime minister of han, my advisor tells me it's easier to catch flies with honey so i begin plying you gifts and pretty serving girls but you keep sending them to your loser liege lord's wives. instead of passing the evening with me engaged in gentlemanly conversation, you spend long hours drying their tears and reassuring them their loser husband is safe. i can't say i'm not annoyed by the snub but your filial piety is commendable

1463rd day as the prime minister of han and even with my considerable intellect, i cannot understand why a man of your skills would chose to serve such an unworthy master. that sanctimonious sandal-weaver has lost nearly every battle he's fought (most of them against me), yet heroes still flock to his cause and peasants aid him at every turn. how does he inspire such loyalty?

1464th day as the prime minister of han, i definitely will not be throwing you an extravagant banquet every day because that's just desperate! i'm only throwing them every fifth day and small ones every third day. do you not like the silk-and-gold robes i've been sending you? you can speak plainly, general, i wont be offended. do they not fit? i must see for myself, please disrobe--

1465th day as the prime minister of han and you finally join me for a drink. i've forgotten how nice this is, in between fighting bandits, quashing rebellions and running 1/3 of a country i've not had much time to myself. the wine loosens your tongue and you talk about brotherhood, sacrifise and sacred oaths in a peach garden, things i've heard about but never seen, like the qilin and other such fantastical beasts but you're so sincere i can't even bring myself to scoff at you. i've lived my entire life looking over my shoulder; better to betray than be betrayed, that's my motto. i've never known anything else.

1466th day as the prime minister of han and i give you a silk bag to protect your long, handsome beard after you made an offhand comment about the whiskers getting brittle in winter. the emperor himself remarked upon it and even though you were humble and self-effacing as always, i preened. it pleases me that you look so well under my patronage, yet your eyes are so troubled. i must not be doing enough, time to consult my advisor again...

1467th day as the prime minister of han i noticed your green battle-coat was threadbare so I fashioned a replacement made of the rarest brocade but you only ever wear it under the old coat loser liege lord gave you because having a piece of him around eases your heart. i don't even have a clever quip for that. although in hindsight i should have expected this turn of events given your utter indifference to that loser's wives and my pretty serving girls. 

1468th day as the prime minister of han, i give you the fastest horse in the world and to my surprise you're elated, bowing and thanking me profusely. then you go and ruin the moment by telling me how grateful you are because it means you will be able to travel quickly to your loser liege lord when you discover his location and now i wish i'd turned that damn beast into glue. this is the first time i've ever seen you smile.

1469th day as the prime minister of han, a verse came to me during our walk through the woods; "the magpie flies south and circles the tree three times. where shall he rest?" i want you to stay. i want you to be mine. lead my armies and help me bring order to the realm, i'll raise you monuments and immortalise your name. alas, the bitter irony is not lost on me, i want you for your loyalty but your loyalty is the reason you cannot stay. if you could have been persuaded i would have lost my respect for you.

1470th day as the prime minister of han and news arrives that your loser liege lord is alive. my advisor tells me that you won't leave until you've repaid my kindness. i guess i better keep you away from the action and hope the next few months are boring and uneventful. in the meantime why don't you try on this new robe! no, i don't mind you undressing here--

1471th day as the prime minister of han and my city is under attack. you single-handedly break the siege and bring me the enemy leader's head. hospitality repaid, you ride off without a backwards glance and i watched the horizon long after you have disappeared.

4391th day as the prime minister of han. I trust you've been well, general, since we last met. I often dreamed that you would return to me, we'd sit under the trees and drink a toast for old times sake. As far as reunions go, the middle of an ambush is not very auspicious. Our roles are reversed, I am the bleeding hart and you are the faithful hound. by rights you should have delivered me straight to your master but instead you let me limp away. why did you do it my beautiful, foolish, loyal general? you know i will only cause you grief. this war will not end as long as i draw breath. this country cannot have three kingdoms any more than a single mountain can have three tigers. 

-epilogue-

last year as the king of wei and i trust you've been well, general, since we last met...

notes under the cut:

It's a truth universally acknowledged that any funny joke on tumblr.com will be run into the ground.

this is a spoof of the 2nd Century Warlord by @romanceyourdemons

1/ Events are based on the historical novel Romance of the Three Kingdoms, supplemented by historical events.

2/ In 196 AD, Warlord Cao Cao moves the capital of China to his territory of Xu City with the Emperor as his puppet. His offical title is the General-in-Chief (大將軍) although I've gone with the more recognisable "Prime Minister". In 200 AD, Cao Cao captured General Guan Yu, who was serving under Liu Bei.

3/Book!Cao Cao is portrayed as a villain and his name is literally synonymous with the devil in Chinese culture. IRL Cao Cao was considered to be a wise and capable ruler. I've decided to bridge the gap a little.

4/ Cao Cao (and sons) were very influential poets, the line "the magpie flies south" is a passage from the Unnamed Magpie Poem, after consolidating power, Cao Cao encourages all the best and brightest in his kingdom to flock to his court.

5/ "I dreamt of you, general" monologue taken verbatim from the 2010 tv show. People in the han dynasty were battling demons and that demon is bisexuality.

6/ Book!Cao Cao does not actually think Liu Bei is a loser, he considers him to be "one of the only two heroes in the world". but my god, you can pry that alliteration out of my cold, dead hands.

[theleechyskrunkly]

The Discussion.

Paige is angry, and Idia's a goner.

Finn Clearcove belongs to @thehollowwriter

Regular text for present time, italics for flashback.

Everybody seemed to be doing the right thing right now, and what was the right thing to do? Stay out of Paige's way. His dorm mates looked utterly baffled (and terrified) as he stormed past them, anger oozing off of him. The students who saw him prayed to the seven for whoever had angered Paige to such a degree, and wondered who'd been the fool to do so.

Paige was livid, his face contorted into a frown that no one had ever seen on his usually passive features. It had everyone wondering what could’ve possibly happened for him to be in such a sour mood.

Well, to begin with, the main culprit was Idia. Why was he angry at Idia? Well, you're bound to find out. Boy, was he about to give Idia an earful...

”So, I take it you're... friends with Idia?” Finn’s voice cut through the music playing in Paige’s earbuds. The two were in Finn’s private area of the school’s botanical garden, Finn painting what seemed to be a carnivorous plant eating a rabbit(with extremely gory detail, as was characteristic for Finn's paintings), while Paige laid on his back with his head resting on a tree branch, scrolling through Twstube. His hair, which was out of its usual braid for once and running loose everywhere, served as his only pillow.

Finn's question was rather random, not only because they had not even been talking about Idia, but also because the two rarely spoke much when they were together at the botanical garden. They just sat in silence, each doing their own thing while enjoying the others company. It was like a little routine they'd set together.

“Yeah? Why?” Paige responded, taking out one of his earbuds and rolling onto his stomach to look up at Finn. Paige preferred to pretend he wasn’t aware of the obvious mutual dislike between Finn and Idia, but he knew avoiding it was no use.

"No, nothing. He's just rather... peculiar, to say the least." There was an obvious distaste in Finn's voice as he attempted to find a not-so-obvious way to hide his dislike for Idia, yet he failed rather miserably at doing so. Paige catches on very quickly to the emotions of humans, mer plus beast people, and animals alike. It's a trait that comes with the horse instincts.

"Peculiar would be an understatement," Paige of all people knew Idia was extremely bizarre, but with the amount of traveling he's done? Boy, has he seen worse. "What exactly is it that you have against him? You two are not really doing a fantastic job of being friendly with one another." Paige was blunt. Everything he said was always upfront, he never held back. The guy had no filter whatsoever and it showed.

Finn narrowed his eyes and his eyebrow twitched slightly, as if the simple thought of Idia got under his fins. "He's obnoxious, rude, talks nonstop — ugh, his gamerlingo is unbearable —, he's selfish, and outright disrespectful! If I had to list the times he's made comments regarding my weight, the list would go on for an eternity." Finn looked like he wanted to say more, but held his tongue to prevent his words from getting out of hand.

However, he had already said the words that set Paige ablaze. He instantly sat up, his usually blank expression knotting into something that showcased incredulity. He knew full well Idia was a certified yapper, and he could seem highly obnoxious to most, but since when did he bodyshame others? "What do you mean by making comments on your body? What type of comments? Is he making fun of you?" By this point, Paige had taken off both his earbuds, which alerted Finn in some sort of way. Paige hardly removed both his earbuds, if even one, not even when he showered (he has waterproof earbuds), and when he did, things were serious.

Finn hesitated before confirming Paige's suspicions, after all, Paige looked like he would go off stomping the second he said the truth. "Yes, he did. Such unoriginal insults, you'd think he was proud of hims- Paige, where are you going?!"

Paige didn't need to hear another word. He did indeed stomp off (quite literally). And he was stomping off to Ignihyde.

Paige did not even knock before letting himself into Idia's room, already knowing the password by heart since Idia had given up on changing it (Paige figured out every time). Idia was in the middle of game, nearly flying off the bed when Paige came in and turned on the lights in his room.

"You and I have something to discuss."

ITS DONE RAAAAAAHHHHHH

Guys I swear I didn't procrastinate this for a whole month trust 🙏

Btw this is the first fic I've ever ever written so my apologies for it being trash 😍🫶

Tagging: @thehollowwriter @cyanide-latte @xen-blank (let me know if you wish to be added to the taglist)

[podcastjam]

2024 Podcast Jam Projects & Teams

Here's all the teams that will be creating pilots for the event this year!!!! Thank you so much to everyone participating, we're SO excited to hear about your projects over the coming month. 4 days until scriptwriting starts, and until then, happy jamming!

SPACE SPECKS Rawlyx loakes quillsandpaper seallbringer6132 smallsies

The Ichorous Rot falloutcoy fluxoid gooboogy chazzo0319 moookar4733

Hello? Are you there? Chronolojay T3chie FungiFungius strawberrytommy

Valdivan's Finest Astralphire Goateggz Kjsmithi Masterofcoordination Rabidxracoon Strilondes

World Fuse kkomaism beardwolfe elischwarz ilaalexei leahstar neutroniums

The Finder's Keeper GiveMeYourLemon Maddie.vo DeumEnki

Schrodinger's Pledge hannahaimee17 collidiasrex chiaroscuro671 wildwolfy spiraleyed devotedwretch

Eart(h) FM am4937 cyanosiis enbyfatale fiveleafclover lotsadeer sirdarkcross timberfins

Gavin's Window wayfaring_weathervane madd413 franb. Sable_Cable Madtelier

Garden of Baffling Beasts cawcawmarmalade prinx_e_umlaut w3vilgrows

Working Tidal itslouisw. wesmarin geeky_fandom codyvm jenahb totcocoa

Hamuel Burger and the American Dream hotchocolate2197 bulkhs mississpissi

Match Team sblr rosiefinch cosmicgranola some_enby eclipsedskye humanfryingpan

Individual Projects Filohazard just_alex smolgremlin.

[aclickbaittitle]

Podcast Jam & Shows with similar vibes

Garden of Baffling Beasts 🤝Residents of Proserpina Park

Schrödinger's Pledge 🤝 Asking for it.

Finder's Keeper 🤝 The Silt Verses

Working Tidal 🤝 Average Folks

[gobbpodblog]

Welcome to the Garden of Baffling Beasts!

The mysterious menagerie known as the "Garden of Baffling Beasts (and other stuff)" has opened its doors to the public! It features all sorts of strange and bizarre creatures, both legendary and unheard of! Also weird plants, unusual rocks, and things arcane!

Intrepid reporter Jaggery "Jake" Howard has agreed to check it and make a documentary about this place. Join her on this new audio fiction podcast!

The pilot episode of "Garden of Baffling Beasts (and other stuff)" is being made as part of the @podcastjam 2024 by @caw-oticdork (it/its), @prinxe-with-no-crown (fae/faer, it/its, any cat-themed neos) and @w3vil-grows (he/they)!

[whinlatter]

i love beasts with my whole soul, it's so heartfelt and intelligently written. love reading the author's notes afterwards, love everything about it. do you have any headcanons about harry and the dursleys maybe years later, if they've reconnected or if harry forgave them?

ok firstly you're a star and it's very important that you know that. thank you so so much for reading and enjoying my fic and my inane author's notes you absolute legend

i fear my headcanons on the dursleys are all a bit boilerplate and boring! i'm a big fan of the widely accepted idea of harry and dudley having a sort of polite but sort of nice rapprochement of sorts as adults that dudley initiates and harry sort of goes along with, a bit baffled, for dudley's sake. i quite like the reunion happening at the burrow partly because i like the idea of dudley a) sat in the weasleys' garden feeling clever for the first time in his life explaining to arthur the concept of a sit-on lawnmower and b) meeting ginny and having to wrap his head around the concept of his flop cousin having pulled an absolute baddie.

while i don't think dudley would ever cut himself off or distance himself from his parents (i don't think he has the insight or depth to grasp why he might need to), i like the idea of dudley absorbing enough of dedalus diggle's relentless harry stan content for a year to be able to grasp that harry was actually good vibes and that what his parents did to his cousin during their childhoods was, on some level, wrong. (dedalus and dudley - what a double act. that unlikely duo stayed in touch for the rest of their lives, meeting up every few months at the pizza express in woking for a catch-up. dudley 100% stuck him on the family table at his wedding and gave a vernon a stroke. dudley also fancied hestia that year they were in hiding but unlike dedalus she ran a mile from the dursleys as soon as the war was done and she didn't have to see those tory clowns ever again. harry jokingly-not-jokingly tried to give her his order of merlin for her service.)

i don't think harry ever forgives or has any contact with vernon and petunia again. he does however enjoy the news, relayed through dudley, that grunnings went bust due to catastrophic fiscal mismanagement during the 2008 financial crisis, costing vernon his pension, and that petunia's rose garden was ripped to shreds by piers polkiss' XL bully.

[magicpumpkin3]

Sea Lion

AU- Master of the monster estate

Characters: Leona Kingscholar; Gn!Reader

Special guests→ @mscarterakaviola98 @mutiachan

Stories about piracy were nothing new in high society. Given, they were not the most popular topics, but they did come up once or twice. Coincidence or not, all the talks were about the same pirate, The “Sea Lion” as navies called him.

He was a lion beast man named Leona, so the nickname checks out. No one really knows where he came from or how he became the worst nightmare of any ship, boat or any other means of transport on the sea, which made ‘worldwide business’… difficult to say the least.

Speaking of the devil. There was a big rumor going on that he was finally captured just a few days ago or even less.

"...And I'm proud to announce, that once fearsome pirate, Sea Lion, was finally caught!" Loud cheers of approval were heard through out the ball room. Everyone clapped and congratulated the governor, yourself included.

"Now, my dear friends, as much as I want to hang that filth, by law I'm bound to wait three days, therefore anyone, who desires to face the beast, may pay him a visit in the dungeons!" Loud whisper began to acho all around you. As much as piracy was a downside for your business, you felt your profit senses began to tingle. This should be interesting for sure...

For 2 days the Sea Lion had visitors, everyone said the same thing, that the pirate king, that even The Devil himself feared, was just sleeping in his cell, like it was his quarters.

On the last day, you decided it was finally the time to pay that, seemingly, lazy lion a visit. After all, it's the last day, he won't be able to reject an offer you have for him...

Before you, on the ground, with some hay as a mattress, laid the legend himself. Rumours didn't lie, he really was laying down, as if he wasn't about to be hanged at any moment.

The man was handsome, only a blind person would deny that. Laying on his back, long chocolate coloured locks splattered on his face, mainly covering the scar on his right eye. Dark skin glowing softly from the suns light from a small cell window. Lion was dressed in a typical pirate outfit, only his signature hat missing, along with his sword and guns.

"How long are you plannin’ to stare me down?" Came from the man. "My apologies, didn't want to interrupt your afternoon nap." You replied with a small chuckle. "Is that so?" He asked, with clear sarcasm practical dripping off of him. "Well, you are awake now, so it doesn't really matter now, does it?" You replied.

"I have an offer you may be interested, Mr Leona." Upon hearing his name, the lazy lion opened one of his eyes, peering at you with his green emerald like orb. "What can you offer a pirate?" He asked snarkly, lips slightly curling to show his fangs. “I’m a person of business, you are a sea bandit, I’m sure you’ll find something to take from me either way.” You paraded.

“All right then, I’m listening, herbivore.”

To say that high society was baffled, would be a massive understatement. All of them were protesting and begging you to come to your sense.

Walking around with the famous pirate was indeed a hassle, but then again, it was your idea at the end of the day.

"Please, come to your sense, your grace!" Mr. Williams yelled in desperation. "What can I say? Mr. Leona decided to use Act of grace, and who am I to decline such an offer?" You replied with a slight smugness in your voice. “Just because he’s under your command now, doesn’t mean he’s not a criminal anymore. Please, your grace, this man, even after demanding an act of grace can’t be on a ship, much less be a captain of one!” This nonsense was getting on your nerves.

“Then he shall be my gardener!” You said the first thing that came to mind. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to show Mr. Leona my new peach trees, they’re quite exotic after all.” Turning away from Mr. Williams, you hooked your arm under the pirates hand and started leading the way. Leona looked down on with a smirk and a glint of amusement in his eyes.

"A gardener? You're full of surprises, herbivore."