#like holy shit responsibility
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me with my 18 year old students that i teach at a college
#everyone is just so mean to them because they're adults now but most of them were literally in high school only a few months ago#and so many of them are far from home and on their own for the first time !!!#and the other professors are so mean like they literally ranted to me about how another professor cursed them out#like !!! bruh!!!! also i think it messes with my head that im teaching foundational class and if i fuck this up#that could fuck up their college career because this class is about how to write essays in college#like holy shit responsibility#but fr i love my students they're so fucking funny and they all call out in class and they straight up are the class full of#'problem children' on academic probation who had to check in with a guidance counselor once a week and i have to monitor and write reports#about once a week as well.#and like idk man im feeling very captain o my captain here if you get my meaning#anyways they're all so funny like they do not care and will say fuck to me and i say fuck back#it's great.#anyways. i'm stoned. they know im a stoner too lol.#originally said 17-20 y/o students but tbh they're all 18 except for the one 17 and the one 20
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tumblr when mental illness makes you withdraw from company: nobody has the right to expect anything of you! take care of yourself! if they don't forgive you and act like nothing happened when you come back into the world, it's on them, not you! it's so very kind of you if you deign to try and overcome this for the sake of those annoying, awful people, but you don't have to if you don't want to! poor lamb!
tumblr when mental illness makes you need reassurance that people don't hate you: you should work on that. you should learn to compromise. expecting anyone on the other side to expend even a little bit of effort to help you is selfish and horrible. maybe just die actually
(NOTE: THE POINT HERE IS THAT BOTH SIDES DESERVE A DEGREE OF GRACE FROM OTHERS AND BOTH SIDES SHOULD WORK ON THEIR ISSUES. I hate that I have to explain it, but this is the Piss on the Poor website, so...)
#mental illness#no people are not entitled to instant responses every time you're online! that is true!#but people are also not entitled to consequence-free extended periods of straight-up ignoring their friends#if I have to understand that you're dealing with something (and I will!) you should at least try to understand that I am too#I just saw this post that was like 'okay well could you quickly tell me if I message you and you don't feel up to talking then?'#and the response was 'UM NO THAT'S STILL DRAINING AND YOU NEED TO EXAMINE WHY YOU FEEL ENTITLED TO IT'#like holy shit. shot down a suggestion of compromise immediately there#so basically a 'you do Lots of Work and I do Zero Work on this problem' situation. got it
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im gonna start a fight; and, at the same time, i need you to take this in the most good-faith way possible, but:
videos that involve body-checking and intentionally (and uncritically) show a mealplan of an unhealthy number of calories are just a revamped version of pro-ana food diaries.
and yeah, i know there's arguments. i address some of them under the cut. but at the end of the day, we're just coming back to romanticizing mental illness; we've just found a better platform for it.
this is already something we've done. we knew it was wrong and tried to stop it. and tbh. it just wasn't enough.
there are people who argue "well, what if you have an eating disorder, you can't help it if you don't eat!" except that as someone with an ED; we are not infants. we know what we're doing. part of having an ED is that you are like, maybe too self-aware. even if we can't help our own food choices, we don't need to fucking romanticize the disorder - something we've been warning you about since 2013. there are hours of setup, filming, and editing that go into these videos. they do not happen to fall into place randomly. there is a reason they are pieced together to be beautiful, bright, inspiring.
there's this woman who pretty much only posts daily plans under a normal amount of calories, and everyone defends her saying but it's better than nothing! and i'm like. except she opens those with images of her showing off her body and provides no context in the video or caption that suggests that she believes what she's doing is unhealthy. she has hundreds of thousands of followers on a platform designed for young kids and teens. i refuse to believe that by accident her content just happens to be cheery advice on "healthy" versions of starving.
for any other symptom of mental illness, we would be incredibly enraged by this kind of placid acceptance of a "tips and tricks" fast-start guide. imagine if people posted pink & pretty videos saying "best places to cut yourself" as if it was a fucking storytime. we, as a society, are so fucking fatphobic that we would rather accept blatantly harmful displays of self harm than admit that we are obsessed with a hyper-thin body type.
i am not suggesting someone never talks about their disorder. i talk about mine. actually, it's a plot point in my book.
here's the difference: i recognize it's a fucking mental illness. i am very careful to never mention a specific weight, eating pattern, or calorie plan. i always make sure to position it as something that ruined my fucking life. i do not put cheery music in the background and hearts and sparkles over my worst moments. i do not film it in bright light. i do not start each passage with an image of a thin body followed by "here's how to look like her."
eating disorders should not be framed as aspirational. and the problem is that society worships the "after" image, so long as you don't get too sick. there is a reason so many people who quit being "influencers" will later admit - i wasn't eating well that whole time; an obsession with food was completely destroying my life.
we let any uncredited, uncertified person write the most backwards, fucked up shit about how to get the body you desire! because the underlying, secret belief is: well, at least they're thin! and the real thing that fucking gets me each time - they make fucking money off of it. their irresponsibility and societal harm literally pays off for them.
"why do you care so much." "don't like it don't look." "so what if people experiment with new ways of thinking of food?"
thank you for asking. we're about to get extremely personal. it's because when i was 18 i discovered "thinspiration"/"thinspo." and it absolutely influenced, shaped, and codified my pre-existing eating disorder. i went from having some troubling habits and traits to being incredibly unwell within what felt like a matter of days. there were actual pages designed to train me on how to have an ED correctly. it was all so suddenly easy. i was sick; and the nature of the illness meant - i wanted to be sicker.
it takes an average of 7 years for a person to fully recover. i know this personally - even now, 10 years from the worst of it, i still fucking struggle. i am so much happier now and i eat what i want and i literally don't think about food at all (19 year old me would shudder) and yet - i still fucking know the calories of plain toast with butter.
an eating disorder is one of the deadliest types of mental illness. over 1 in 4 people with an ED will attempt suicide.
and i'm sorry. i just do not see the exchange rate of "high rate of engagement" versus "the value of a human life."
#and there's something else in there about like ....#tbh once i got over something like 1k followers#i stopped being specific about my ED for a REASON.#yes on ur personal locked blog that u use like a diary go ahead etc#but we are OBVIOUSLY not talking about that. we're talking about the sheer NUMBER of people i could be talking about#in that one paragraph. that you and i probably were thinking about 2 different influencers#bc they get to say that they're just posting FITNESS and if it's FITNESS it's OKAY and im like#jesus christ lord almighty#every person in recovery from an ED: this is incredibly dangerous holy shit do you know how much this would have triggered me#each of these ppl: how dare you!!!!!!!!! i am only harming those who WANT to engage with my content!!!!!#their followers: leave them alone !!! they can't help that they make an hours-long choice to frame their disorder as if it was#fucking cottagecore !!!!#like girlie this person needs THERAPY#again! i didn't even have that large of a following before i IMMEDIATELY deleted any specific mention of calories food etc#bc i recognize responsibility and i didnt EVER want to even ACCIDENTALLY encourage this#and im not even GETTING PAID FOR THIS!!!#aND THEY ARE!!!#something something something they know this content makes them money#they don't give a SHIT about u babe
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Mom : what's everyone up to this morning?
Me : drawing
Mom, unprompted : you took the wrong major then, we shouldve put you in architechture
My 'you shouldnt pay attention to other people's progress but look at this 20 yo japanese student with 5 businesses' mom everybody 👏
#Sorry holy shit that response took me so off guard#like man im just innocently drawing my guy#let me get a break from my existential dread ok#vent#lyssten to my rambles
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want to join the fandom cause it seems fun seeing fanarts and you and others interacting but I don't know how...and with the whole ai thing im scared...
my advice: just do it
really! sometimes all you really need is a leap of faith, and that was exactly how I dropped into the cod fandom. When I joined the ghoap discord server I talked to one of the artist I really like and respected from my lurking time (hi @bressynonym) aaaand the rest is history
I didnt know how to draw properly, nor digitally, all I did was scribbling on OneNote (yeah!) and rambled about cod characters, it is daunting and it is scary to interact but after a while? you may just be able to find someone to brainrot together with
start small, like commenting, reblogging, talking, chatting- doesn't have to be towards artist/writers, it could be the art/fic enjoyers!
you need to put yourself out there if you want something
as to if you want to start in the fandom as a creator, here's some more tips (which are all based on my experience, I am no pro at doing this, hell Im still learning myself, and I am by no means speaking these on behalf on others!)
establish a goal: what are you making? fandom based? original creations?
as with starting new, everything may take a while for stuff to happen, you'll feel like you're speaking to the void at times (esp with original arts, but do know that your stuff do get perceive by others as time goes, I would advise to draw fandom stuff as a beginning to get that boost going if you want! or else it's going to be quite hard to get things rolling)
imo this is hardest part of any new creator, you'll have to bear with it and try not to give up (but I understand how incredibly demotivating it could get, there were times when I stopped posting about Raven entirely, but eventually I post it anyway cuz surely someone out there will like them, it just takes a lot of patiences and perseverance)
btw, engagement can also vary from time to time, you may be booming for a bit, then suddenly you dont, it is a cycle that will bound to happen
take rest regularly, and I mean a break from social media because numbers, discourse and everything can get to you, very quickly (I cannot emphasise this enough)
the numbers are not worth it over your mental health (comes with practice to really solidify this thought)
study the algorithm (pain): see what other creators are doing to get where they are, what tags are they using in their post? what features/niche do people like?(this is, if you really want to grab some form of engagement, bcuz reminder in the end you are creating art for yourself first!)
example: I think posts would get more reach if you tag it with the ship name first, followed by the characters' name (doesn't work all the time tho)
that's the thing about algorithm, it is ever-changing, and you'll have to learn to adapt with it when it does!
expanding on that, studying algorithm could be about ships (for example, ghostsoap is most popular in the fandom), or really good rendered art/flashed out fic that leaves your jaw on the floor, or ships that gets lesser attention in general which puts you, who make content about them, easier to be brought into the light (like Faralex)
bUT, it can also be personality!
(again, not saying this is meant for everyone and strictly from my own experience + what I observe) for me, I made up the lack of my art by establishing a personality: a wild panda who yaps about price and their oc and also kinda everywhere in the place (just like this post LOL), OR you're the person who named themselves after Soap's ash particle number OR you're the one who likes bottom Ghost- literally anything goes, you want to make an impression in different ways, some more funny/goofier than others but it works (be mindful and stay respectful tho, dont wanna be the asshole in the fandom now do ya?)
efforts ≠ engagement (not all the time, but most time) and this is a fact. Sometimes, you can't expect a piece you did for 10+ hours to get thousands views and likes, especially in a fandom space. You need to understand algorithm is that wonky. (very disheartening, but again, you make the art for you and the few others who genuinely likes them, and those people can go a long way) be mentally prepared for such events, and try not to beat yourself up too much for it
ultimately tho, do it, do it scared but do it anyways and again, draw the things that bring you joy, I hope these could be helpful in some ways!
#sorry this got longer the more i typed#i met bressy bcuz i love their oc stuff and we just kinda clicked after a while#and then? i met gog and tappy bcuz of our oc interest like holy shit...someone like MY OC??#it is all a process- the bad and good#but you'll never know these processes until you start making a step towards it#anyways sorry for the tag bressy LOL#gummmyspeaks#ask response#thanks for the ask <3#i should be studying HAHSKJDH
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barbie doll gore mod where you can do his hair and put him in situations. it's exactly the same mod
#my routine is i wake up and i draw a gore who looks different from gore and also different from every other gore ive ever drawn#and then i play skyrim until my laptop fan sounds like it's gonna explode 👍#gore skyrim#skyrim gore#gore mod#doll implies a lack of agency but tbh it doesn't feel like that since as a companion he clearly will call you on shit/take responsibility#can't believe how much he claims his own decisions past and present. galaxy brain necessity but also that is so fucking tough on a person#i just replayed blood ties for the first time to see how the other choices go and hooooo boy those consequences are immediate and dire#also the dialogue is so realistically subtle#parts i wasn't sure exactly what he meant before bc he trailed off clicked this time nd holy shit.#so much gets conveyed in those relatively brief convos#i can't wait until im a high enough lvl for vigilant#zivs
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so I have already been pretty quiet on here recently but uh. i kind of genuinely need to take a step back from sexual stuff for a while - nothing happened, i just think it is maybe a bit unhealthy how much of my time is taken up by Being Horny and Getting Off. like as much as those r both normal I do them too often, like. genuinely. idk when I’ll start being active again but thank u for understanding
#dm responses included in this unfortunately#like look I respect the naturalness of horniness and such. But holy shit#I’m genuinely spending multiple hrs a day. nearly every single day. just getting off.#like that’s not healthy for me#and if I admit it on here it will make it feel a little more like I actually have to commit lol#bc i was saying this this morning. and then spent multiple hours today getting off.#puppybarks#sorry for the vent in the tags im just. really frustrated w myself#and w my relationship w sex/pleasure atm#hoping I will feel better soon
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>> Paris...? has connected.<<
#Greyed Walls Event#(PROPER!)#Apocalypse tw#// holy shit this took- wayyyy too long. I dont think I'm gonna answer any of the asks until tomorrow </3#// I cant draw anything else its nearly 3 am#// nottt happy with the text size or font i'll fix that in the proper responses#// EDIT: I FORGOT BUT THANK YOU @GHOSTPLASMAS FOR MAKING LIKE- LITERALLY 80% OF THIS DOWN TO THE SKETCHES#// feel free to ask your questions but I won’t be getting to them for a WHILE#// also don’t worry bout the time continuity— we do what we want forever here he’s not running on rotumblr time
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if you say shit like 'autism is not a disability' i hope you actually have really bad things happen to you and you are banned from the autism community for the foreseeable future. get another fun weird club if you so badly need one
so profoundly tired of people trying to make autism into this whimsical quirkiness when it's for most people a serious and debilitating life altering disorder
#im not even that high on the needs spectrum at all. i definitely need a lot of support but it doesn't nearly compare to hsn autistics for ex#but our autism have never been masked and it's always been apparent in obvious ways that stunted our social and personal development#we can't mask at all it's not an option to us. we are disturbing in person. we talk weirdly. we are monotone with very rare exceptions.#we do not understand the overwhelming majority of very important social cues and we can't pretend or mask that#we've always been singled out and our impairment has ostracized us from peers our entire life#especially with the struggle of getting daily tasks done. we are JUST a little more independent with things than we were as a kid#i always talk about not feeling like an adult and being stuck in kid (teen at best!) like mindset and abilities and understanding of things#that is autism too. we are stunted and disabled developmentally in many ways as a result and we were never on par with others of our age#and we will never be.#i hate this sentiment so much and i hate the 'disabilities wouldn't exist if society was perfect at accomodating us all to a T'#like yeah surely our violent outbursts and shutdowns and intense stimming wouldn't exist? our need to regulate stimuli#our Inability to regulate emotion or response to overstimulation?#like holy shit if you're autism lite jsut say that. some of us are actually significantly impaired and very much DISABLED and require#support to function. and surprise surprise some autistics need help with every step in their daily life. are they not disabled? fucker
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i feel so insane about burrow's end i feel sick
like?? ok there are 3 episodes to go and I'm wearing a hole into the floor of my mind bec im pacing in circles??? the stoat family really said "kill them all, ask no questions" and succeeded? they basically committed a coup and they have no plan for the literal thousands of stoats in bast's end. there's gonna be a power vacuum and that's insane for a place that is basically a ultra-militarized stoat city. what are they gonna do, take over after having literally been there a single day?
and also tula and ava? wtf
im gonna throw up
#d20 burrow's end#d20 spoilers#AND ANOTHER THING very bold choice from thorn to say “i wont”#sir u have been here for a day#i know they are the main characters but im also like holy shit youre now responsible for the lives of thousands#or you could just dip but that's kinda fucked up too#nothing is more dnd than rocking up to a place fucking shit up and leaving but god know's aabria's not gonna let that shit slide#thoughts various#spoilers#(editted for spelling and grammar)
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TIL: The person that picks up when you call your representatives isn't always going to simply listen, take notes, and pass it on for you. They may try to argue with you and gaslight you about your concerns! 😃🙃
So this is friendly reminder to take care of yourself if you're marathoning calling representatives! Take breaks if you need to, drink your favorite drink, eat your favorite snack, take deep breaths in between each call! And if you have an audio recorder feel free to keep it close to your phone in case the person you're on call with tries to say some slick shit 🤗
#for context i was calling all of the nassau county districts 🙃#there's 19 of them and i can count on one hand how many of the people i was on the phone with actually let me get more than 3 sentences in#before cutting me off to whitesplain me what i already know the bill to be claiming#re: how it supposedly isn't going to affect people who wear masks/face coverings for medical or religious or recreational reasons#i felt like i was in a time loop with how it felt like I was getting the exact same response over and over#like thanks i didn't call to discuss this with you can you shut the fuck up and just take notes of what I'm calling about please???#this shit is draining omfg#I do not TRUST the judgement of cops to make sound decisions of who's a “bad actor”#and it's pathetic how much they worship their cops#that they can't even process the fucking fact that MAYBE JUST MAYBE YOUR COPS ARE RACIST PIECES OF SHITS#THEY STATISTICALLY HAVE A HIGH RATE OF POLICE BRUTALITY AGAINST BLACK & BROWN PPL OVER THERE HOLY SHIT#THE DISSONANCE. THE WILLFUL IGNORANCE.#I HATE ALL OF THIS OMFG#mod enid
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the amount of whatsapp and discord notifications i have makes me nauseous to look at. i wish someone would figure out a way to just burst the guilt bubble and get back into texting without having to face such a clear indicator that you're super depressed
#i know we all go thru this but no matter the reassurances the guilt just constricts the life out of me#its just like. i feel so busy i dont even have time for myself#then when i do get 1 minute it's like holy shit theres so much to catch up on#it's a visceral visual reminder of how bad i feel#and also like#who wants responses to things they said weeks ago it's too late#anyway i am sooooo fine you guys im not massively struggling for the will to live at all#ALSO wait am i the only one that just like#my hands hurt. my fingers are tired. it's so hard to text. even my small phone is too big for my hands. it's such a deterrant.#driveby post
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fascinating to see both the far right and the far left blame jews/israel for hurricanes but for different reasons. it's like convergent evolution of antisemitism
#usually (not always) ime there's more overlap lmao#anyway the right wing is saying it's bc of chemtrails/cloud seeding#and the left is saying it's bc israel alone has used so many bombs over the past few decades that they're mostly responsible for#climate change. if you were wondering the reasons.#it's funny my first night back on tumblr i was checking who all had followed me while i was gone#(wasn't many ppl#want to check for spam accounts and such)#and one person had reblogged a post. and the op you won't be shocked to hear had a stalin pfp#anyway soviet propaganda poster aesthetic vibes of hands grabbing a globe with the text smth like#'how will the earth survive if israel keeps bombing it'#which bad enough on its own obviously#but i've seen. a couple other things now directly blaming israel for helene and milton#criticising israel not inherently antisemitic but Holy Shit do some of you people love to use israel as an excuse to reinvent the protocols#antisemitism
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ohhhh my fucking god nobody needs to like know any of this medical tmi but it is literally 11 pm and if im kept up one minute longer when i just laid down trying to go to sleep by my mother YELLING REPEATEDLY that she needs to pee. im going to actually go insane. she got a catheter in. Yesterday. it is working. she won't listen to anyone when they tell her that this is the case. help me jesus. im sure if a nurse comes to check on her tomorrow they'll probably get the same response. my brain will simply explode
#crow.txt#the absolute levels of stress im under could create diamonds out of free floating carbon atoms my fucking god#can i have. Literally just one day of peace. just one!! fuck!!!!#at least now i have SOME validation from everyone else of shit that mom has honestly kinda always done#be absolutely furious and bitchy usually for no good goddamn reason and then immediately turn it off to look good in front of someone else#i had a feeling mom coming home was gonna be utterly miserable sooner rather than later#i literally cannot leave my room without her yelling for dad bc she thinks im him i guess. she has gotten him up like 4 times now#what the fuck do you want any of us to doooooooooooo. according to dad shes also just been really fucking hateful today#including to her SISTER who has been facilitating literally everything medically for her for the last month plus#like on one hand i know its hard and frustrating etc etc absolutely. on the other. what the fuck are you yelling at any of us for!#whatd we do! not a damn thing for the most part! holy shit im exhausted#and then im sure she will have the audacity to wonder why i dont really want to interact with her much rn#its very apparent she doesnt really understand whats going on or how much of anything works at this point including hospice care#but i truly cannot help you when your knee jerk response is to yell and be abusive. like. dads not been great either#bc hes also one to bitch and moan and yell abt shit. but like. so is mom. more than usual#and ill actually be damned if i let her treat me like that honestly ever again. like idk for once i can just#walk away from this behavior with zero consequences. i dont have to take it anymore. im not free but at least im fuckin closer than i was#guess my aunt wasnt kidding when she said her being coherent and rational last week might be the calm before the storm
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Dread be dreading
#ughg#i usually have awful thoughts randomly popping up here or there#make me pretty anxious for a few days then i won't think about them for a while#but man i can't handle doubts suddenly resurfacing#like this monday i was listening to my last lecture and everything bad i cooked up a in the past few months hit me like a truck#couldn't even focus i was too busy internally chanting shit fuck i don't want this i made a huge mistake shit shit#i won't be able to handle all this responsibility i'm so tired this will butcher my mental health should have chosen media studies fuuuck#what was i thinking what am i gonna do help#then proceeded to distract myself with an electric outlet otherwise i might have started crying#:/#and those thoughts aren't wrong unfortunately#i love this university and the classes and the things i study#the teachers and my classmates and the kids i got to take care of#but i don't think i could do this for real#i'm not even struggling with anything i'm just scared and tired as hell#and thought i could just. power through it- like if i'm stubborn enough it won't matter that it's draining#but damn#and hell originally i came here because i wanted to teach english to kids#i guess my expectations were too high i don't feel like i've learned anything that useful this far#and turns out it won't get better#we just gonna do presentations again#to be fair i loved researching nursery rhymes but i hoped we would have... more. of that#also about media studies. chief... i crave to be there#could have picked the english specialization there too- i'm a moron. a bozo. holy shit#well. gonna go through this semester either way. because again everything i study here (almost everything) is genuinely great and useful#and perhaps i'm just in a Pit right now#the dread pit#should probably break this to my sister. somehow#random squeak
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