#like hell yeah the executives are functioning

[running-tweezers]

I can’t tell if me not wanting to be on here much lately is a sign that I’m doing Better mentally, or Worse mentally lol

[goldiipond]

i want to DRAWWW [lies completely still in bed

[phagodyke]

coming to terms with having adhd is like wow so my brain has been broken all my fucking life and always will be. and when I felt like everything was unfair + more difficult for me than everyone else thats because it is actually. and it will always be like this forever. hope that helps 👍

[mirrorbent]

Hiatus the Nth: It Keeps Happening

Hey look! I only fell off the face of the Earth for four months instead of seven!! :,,,D

So I'm still dealing with the same thing I was four months ago, and it's obviously taken its toll on the updates. The bad thing is that we've still got at least two to three months more of no updates (until June and/or July, with both their Arc Number Days exploding forever probably), BUT the good thing is that even if shit goes sideways for me then (fingers crossed it Doesn't orz) we Might be looking to a return of the updates anyways, because I've managed to find a way to stop working on everything but the Thing I Really Need To Fucking Finish Already- and so I Have to cling to the habit of Doing The Thing like it's a speeding train, But it's getting done enough that I might not have to hyperfocus on it forever by then.

In short: Reasonably likely chances of update sometime around/after late July, at the latest.

[navree]

gonna be entirely honest i think a LOT of people are missing the point here. the issues surrounding characterization and bad dialogue and lazy plotting and changes that weaken the story and lack of internal cohesion would have existed anyway, because those are issues that came directly from condal and hess, yes. but it IS actually a massive fucking problem that the network decided to slash a FIFTH of the time the writers thought they were gonna have to tell their story, and that they decided to do that mere weeks before shooting, likely when things were starting to be pretty firmly locked down. it IS a huge issue that this created an insane amount of work for the writing team to try and make that sudden limited time work, especially with the deadline of the strike on top of the deadline of shooting. that was ALWAYS going to create a disaster of a season.

imagine if, a month before it was schedule to start filming, hbo had demanded that succcession cut, at minimum, a full episode from their season. imagine if season 4 had that similar mandate, going from ten episodes (which it was, and which it crafted its story around) to eight. it doesn't matter how good the writing is, how on point the characterization is, how fantastic everything is on all other cylinders, demanding those changes in such a short time span is always going to lead to something sloppy and just not good. adding on top of that the fact that the writers were not able to keep on working on the show as they were filming (possibly using the time they were shooting early season episodes to work around the clock to try and make the time crunch make more sense wrt later episodes) due to the strike, which kept up for literally the entirety of shooting, at hbo's behest as well, any change that could have been made was likely incredibly half baked and needed a lot more refinement before it could even hope to work, and would have been that way for any production, even of the shows getting the most applause for their brilliance this year. abbott elementary, interview with the vampire, shogun, they would have suffered the same issues of pacing and lack of climax and both too much buildup and lack of buildup that hotd has been noted as having because of hbo's choices, and these are all shows where we know that the writing team is top notch and the showrunner has known exactly what they're doing and crafted it all expertly.

it's not about your antipathy towards condal and hess as showrunners specifically. i'm not pleased with them either, but in this i could honestly give a shit. it's about the fact that this is an insanely popular property, one whose success creates a lot of money, and the network responsible for it still made decisions that severely and detrimentally impacted its ability to succeed. this season was doomed to fail before a second of footage was shot, and a lot of that blame can and should be laid at hbo for the choices it's made here. there likely wasn't much that would have been able make the writing of the season better, because of the issues already highlighted, but this didn't fucking help. this made it infinitely worse, and created an unsalvageable situation from the getgo that possibly wouldn't have been there if the episode count hadn't been cut, if the writers had known their final count from the getgo, if they'd been given more time to rework the season, if hbo hadn't kept up filming in spite of the strike so that the writers could keep working without screwing over the rest of production.

way too many people are missing the forest for the trees here. yes, condal and hess made bad decisions all the livelong day, and yes that's on them, ring the shame bell at them. but it doesn't matter in the discussion here. the discussion here is on what's now a very clear pattern of hbo and the broader wb/discovery crew making constant choices that denigrate the actual craft of storytelling and are clearly meant to maximize their own profits at the expense of the artists involved in creating those profits, as part of the broader entertainment executive industry's disdain for creatives as a whole that we've been seeing with the strikes and generative ai and now this (and also the trend of david zaslav's incredibly bad business management that is alienating so many people from everything under the wb/discovery umbrella). that's why hbo making these choices is essentially dooming the season to fail from the outset (which is what it was, there's no way anything good could have come from this situation even if the entire writing staff was blessed by the muses themselves, it was dead in the water from the getgo because of this specifically and then only made worse by shitty writing), and something that should be talked about with the gravity it deserves, irrespective of whether or not the dragon show did a plotline you liked or not.

i'm sorry hbo allowed this writing team to plan out a ten episode season until a MONTH before shooting when they cut it down to eight????? and then kept production going when the writer's strike started like two weeks after and kept up for the entirety of the filming schedule??????? i said that filming during the writer's strike was the death knell of this season but oh my god i did not expect to be this fucking right

[mcmansionhell]

mojo dojo casa house

Howdy folks! Sorry for the delay, I was, uhhhh covering the Tour de France. Anyway, I'm back in Chicago which means this blog has returned to the Chicago suburbs. I'm sure you've all seen Barbie at this point so this 2019 not-so-dream house will come as a pleasant (?) surprise.

Yeah. So this $2.4 million, 7 bed, 8.5+ bath house is over 15,000 square feet and let me be frank: that square footage is not allocated in any kind of efficient or rational manner. It's just kind of there, like a suburban Ramada Inn banquet hall. You think that by reading this you are prepared for this, but no, you are not.

Scale (especially the human one) is unfathomable to the people who built this house. They must have some kind of rare spatial reasoning problem where they perceive themselves to be the size of at least a sedan, maybe a small aircraft. Also as you can see they only know of the existence of a single color.

Ok, but if you were eating a single bowl of cereal alone where would you sit? Personally I am a head of the table type person but I understand that others might be more discreet.

It is undeniable that they put the "great" in great room. You could race bicycles in here. Do roller derby. If you gave this space to three anarchists you would have a functioning bookshop and small press in about a week.

The island bit is so funny. It's literally so far away it's hard to get them in the same image. It is the most functionally useless space ever. You need to walk half a mile to get from the island to the sink or stove.

Of course, every McMansion has a room just for television (if not more than one room) and yet this house fails even to execute that in a way that matters. Honestly impressive.

The rug placement here is physical comedy. Like, they know they messed up.

Bling had a weird second incarnation in the 2010s HomeGoods scene. Few talk about this.

Honestly I think they should have scrapped all of this and built a bowling alley or maybe a hockey rink. Basketball court. A space this grand is wasted on sports of the table variety.

You would also think that seeing the rear exterior of this house would help to rationalize how it's planned but:

Not really.

Anyways, thanks for coming along for another edition of McMansion Hell. I'll be back to regular posting schedule now that the summer is over so keep your eyes peeled for more of the greatest houses to ever exist. Be sure to check the Patreon for today's bonus posts.

Also P.S. - I'm the architecture critic for The Nation now, so check that out, too!

If you like this post and want more like it, support McMansion Hell on Patreon for as little as $1/month for access to great bonus content including a discord server, extra posts, and livestreams.

Not into recurring payments? Try the tip jar, because media work is especially recession-vulnerable.

[indiiglow]

I've been off of hyperfixations for like? A week now? And I'm literally more ADHD than ever this is a nightmare

[david-talks-sw]

I'd say where the dissonance really starts, when it comes to the portrayal of the Jedi in more recent Star Wars stories, is the perception of what the Prequels are about.

They're not about the Jedi.

George Lucas said over and over that they're about:

How a democracy turns into a dictatorship, we see this in the background of the films, as the Republic descends into becoming the Empire.

That first theme is then paralleled with a second theme: how a good kid becomes a bad man. We see this in the more character-driven and personal exploration of Anakin’s fall to the Dark Side.

The Prequels’ focus is on Anakin and the Republic, these films are not primarily about the fall of the Jedi. In fact, I’d argue they aren’t about the Jedi at all!

And when you look at the original backstory, you’ll notice that it also primarily focuses on:

The political subplot of the Republic’s downfall and Palpatine becoming the Emperor.

Anakin’s turn and his betrayal of the Jedi. 

So, there too… the Jedi themselves aren’t really that big a part of the Prequels’ original idea. They aren't mentioned much, beyond their trying to save the Senate and getting wiped out.

The Star Wars movies aren't about the Jedi, they're about Anakin and Luke, they're about Obi-Wan and Padmé and Han and Leia, the Rebellion vs the Empire, the fall of the Republic.

They're not about Ben and Yoda and Mace and Ki-Adi and Plo Koon and Shaak Ti and Luminara.

Just like Harry Potter isn't about Dumbledore and McGonagall. Just like the Lord of the Rings isn't about Gandalf.

On a functional level, the Jedi are:

POV characters who witness the events unfold with their hands tied, they're our anchors, whose eyes we see through to see democracy crumble into dictatorship.

Embodiments/vectors of the message George Lucas wanted to get across through these movies, which is the conflict between selfishness & selflessness, greed & compassion (Sith & Jedi).

But that's about it.

However, if you ask today’s fans and Star Wars creatives, most will say the Prequels are about the fall of the Jedi Order.

This is a take shared by a big chunk of the fandom, including various filmmakers, authors, and executives involved with Star Wars, so much so that the time period the Prequel films cover has now been redubbed by Lucasfilm as the “Fall of the Jedi era”.

Which leaves us with a question... why? Why the dissonance?

My guess? It's because the Jedi are cool. They're awesome.

And deep down, they wanted the Prequels to be about the Jedi. About the Jedi Knights at their height, errant warriors like the Knights of the Round Table.

And they didn't get that. They got a bunch of diplomats serving a political institution. And that didn't make sense, right? That's not what they expected so it's bad. And it's Star Wars. It's Lucas. It can't be bad, right? So like... what were they missing?

Oh... wait... what if... that's the point? That the Jedi were supposed to be Knight Errants and being guided by the Force instead of like - ew - space ambassadors for the Republic. Yeah now it all makes sense.

The Jedi in the Prequels aren't what we wanted them to be and that's their failure! Like, it's not just that I didn't like them because they weren't likeable to me, it's that I'm not supposed to like them because the narrative totally says so--

-- it doesn't.

The Jedi preach and practice the same Buddhist values as George Lucas, mirroring what he says in interviews almost verbatim.

The relationship between Obi-Wan and Anakin/Qui-Gon mirrors the dynamic between Lucas and Coppola.

The designs of the Jedi and their temple had to be toned down because they looked too bureaucratic and systemic.

This is Lucas we're talking about. "On the nose" is his middle name. He named the drug-peddling sleazebag "Elan Sleazebaggano." He ditched an elaborate introduction of General Grievous in exchange for just "the doors slide open, in walks Grievous and he's ugly."

If he had really been hell bent on framing the Jedi as elitist squares who lost their way and were mired in bureaucracy, he would've made them and the Jedi Temple look like the authorities in THX-1138.

They weren't likeable to some fans because, well, they weren't developed or shown as much as someone like Anakin. Because it's not about them. It's not their story. It's Anakin's. It's Luke's. It's their respective friends'. Or maybe it's an adversity to "perfect goody two-shoes" characters (which the Jedi are not). But hey, it's a movie for kids. Some 2-dimensionality is forgivable.

Bottom line, had more time been spent on the Jedi, had Lucas made the Prequels into a limited show and give them a whole subplot, had he decided to do away with the 30s serial dialog and let someone else write the dialog, maybe the reception might've been different.

But that's what we got. And guess what it's fine.

It's more than fine, it's fucking awesome.

I proudly and confidently say that I love the Prequels, with and without The Clone Wars.

I love my space monks, I love that they're diplomat wizards, I love that there's such a variety of them, I love that Mace is a no-bullshit guy who genuinely cares about his fellow Jedi and how screwed the Republic is, and Yoda is wise and kind but also a gremlin weirdo who'll embarass you in front of a classroom full of kids, and Ki-Adi has a penis for a head, is constantly calm and yet goes down like a champ even though they take him by surprise. I love that Shaak Ti can kung fu an army full of Magna Guards and still have the energy to charge at Grievous. I love that Obi-Wan is a sass machine who is also hilariously oblivious to the fact that he's just as terrible as Anakin.

They're awesome even if they're not perfect. They're awesome because they're not perfect.

But the movies are not really their story.

They're Anakin's. They're Luke's. They're the Republic's and the Rebellion's. And the fight against a space Nazi emperor/empire.

[sayruq]

Dr. Tanya Haj-Hassan, a pediatric intensive care physician who works with Médecins Sans Frontières and co-founded @GazaMedicVoices, has emerged as one of the most prominent voices raising the alarm about the hell Israel has created for Gaza’s healthcare workers. Mary Turfah: Yesterday, I came across a report of a third mass grave unearthed at Al-Shifa Hospital. One month ago, as the first mass graves there were being uncovered, you were interviewed by Sky News. The anchor cited Israeli military sources saying that they had detained “hundreds of Hamas militants” within the complex, then asked you what you thought of that. Could you speak to your response to him, and to this persistent obsession with “militants at Al-Shifa,” when not a single hospital in Gaza has been spared, and when there have been mass graves [seven in total to date] uncovered at multiple hospitals in Gaza? Tanya Haj-Hassan: Yeah. I think my response was something to the effect of, I can’t believe we’re still having this conversation. Everybody from a medical or humanitarian background is so sick of having to respond to these atrocious, preposterous justifications that are being provided for things that are never justifiable. I thought the Hamas and Al-Shifa question was buried a long time ago. There were several weeks where that’s all we were asked about in interviews. There were multiple investigations done that concluded no credible evidence existed to justify the attacks on Al-Shifa. And then, Al-Shifa was targeted again, besieged again. Then, eventually, Al-Shifa started functioning again. The staff were so proud of the fact that they got it functioning again. That second time, the hospital was again besieged and targeted. A lot of the staff were taken out into the courtyard of the hospital, where the male staff were stripped. Israeli soldiers beat several of the healthcare providers. A very, very senior person at Al Shifa, an older doctor, was eventually released and came on foot to Al-Aqsa Hospital. And immediately, he went back to work. I was at Al-Aqsa Hospital when he turned up disheveled, beard down to here, exhausted, having lost I don’t know how many kilos, hadn’t seen his family for five months, didn’t have a phone, didn’t have proper shoes, didn’t have proper clothes. They fled with basically nothing. And many of the other healthcare providers who were taken outside with him were abducted. I think his testimonies of what happened and the amount of work they had put into getting Al-Shifa functioning again made the question of the Sky News anchor even more infuriating. Because that’s the reality I had just come out of, and to hear him then ask a health professional who had spent the last few weeks resuscitating dead and dying children that have been maimed to an extent that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget—even though I think for my own well-being, it would probably be good if I would forget some of those images—I found it so insulting. Insulting to me, to the healthcare providers who had risked their lives to stay at Al-Shifa, who had lost 25 percent of their body weight, who were exhausted. Insulting to the health care providers who had been killed at Al-Shifa, fleeing from Al-Shifa, to the civilians who were executed there. It’s insulting to our intellect. It’s insulting to humanity

MT: Last week, it was revealed that Dr. Adnan Al-Bursh, a renowned orthopedic surgeon in Gaza, was tortured to death inside of Israeli prisons, according to eyewitness testimony, after he had been abducted from the hospital where he was providing life-saving care, back in December. Hundreds of medical workers have been killed to date, and many more injured. You said in one interview that doctors and healthcare workers are changing out of their scrubs before leaving the hospital so that they’re not targeted. On top of this, the doctors in Gaza have been working basically nonstop for 215 days. As someone who has worked in Gaza, I was wondering if you could say a bit about what your colleagues are facing day-to-day. THH: I want to start with the abduction of healthcare workers, because it’s so underreported, to the point where myself and my colleagues, medical providers working our own jobs, are doing the investigative work. They’re systematic. There have been at least 240 abductions documented by our group— MT: 240?! THH: At least 240, and I’m not talking about what’s reported by the Ministry of Health, which I believe is an even higher number. We documented that at least 240 healthcare workers have been abducted and detained by Israeli forces, the majority of whom have not been released. And the ones who have been released are providing testimonies of torture, of themselves but also the torture that they’ve witnessed. I’ve taken testimonies. One, a three-hour-long testimony about the torture inflicted on [my friend,] a nurse, for 53 days in custody, accusing him of being part of Hamas, of his family being part of Hamas, even though the fact that he was released tells you he wasn’t part of Hamas. Given the extent to which he was tortured, I’m surprised that he survived. And he has not survived with his physical and mental health intact. He has scars, he has nightmares. He had hematuria, so bleeding when he urinated, for weeks after he was released.

Please read this interview as it sheds light on the horrors doctors, nurses, and other medical workers in Gaza have endured

[ally-writes-many-things]

You're Mine (X. Riorson) 18+

Xaden Riorson x reader.

Fourth Wing

Words: 1.9K

Warnings: Minor Spoilers for Fourth Wing

Summary: Xaden gets jealous of Garrick. It's also 18+

As Xaden and Violet engaged in their sparring session, a heavy sigh escaped your lips. It was evident that their connection stemmed from Violet's vulnerability and the promise he made to her older brother. If Violet were to meet an unfortunate fate, the likelihood of Xaden suffering the same fate was high. However, despite understanding the circumstances, a tinge of jealousy crept into your heart. Xaden had been devoting most of his free time to her, and it couldn't help but stir feelings of envy within you.

Releasing yet another sigh, you decided to leave the gym behind and make your way towards the third-year rooms. The sight of Violet fawning over Xaden had become unbearable to witness. She may try to seem disinterested, but it was evident to anyone with functioning eyes that she desired him deeply.

Immersed in the comfort of your night attire, engrossed in the captivating pages of a book, the distant sound of a knock reached your ears. You knew who it was but yet an overwhelming disinterest held you back from rising to greet them. Tonight, their presence was an unwelcome intrusion you wished to evade. Effortlessly, you extinguished the mage light with a flick of your hand, allowing the room to be swallowed by darkness as you delicately set the book upon the table. Rolling onto your side, you cocooned yourself beneath the covers and went to sleep.

***

As you sat in the bustling gathering hall alongside your squad, your eyes briefly flickered towards Xaden, who was seated among the other marked individuals. Curiosity lingered in the air as your comrades wondered why, as a marked one yourself, you chose not to join them. However, you had your reasons. You simply refused to make yourself a more conspicuous target by associating closely with the others.

"I came by last night," Xaden's voice came through your head.

You didn't even bother to look up from your tray. "I went to sleep early," You lied.

"I swore I could've saw the mage light,"

"I don't know what you're talking about," You said before placing the block between you and Xaden down.

You got up from the table and headed towards the flight field.

****

"Hey Garrick," you called out to Xaden's best friend, your voice echoing through the gymnasium. It was after class, and you were wanting to spar, though Xaden was noticeably absent. Most likely, he was off assisting Violet once again. However, Garrick was present, and you knew he made for a formidable sparring partner.

"What's up, (Last Name)?" Garrick responded, making his way towards you.

"Want to spar since Xaden is too busy with Violet?" you proposed, a hint of anticipation in your voice.

"Hell yeah," Garrick exclaimed, a spark of excitement in his eyes. "I always love sparring with you."

A soft chuckle escaped your lips as you swiftly discarded your jacket, tossing it aside. You rolled your neck, popping it before standing in front of Garrick.

You knew you were going to easily be taken down by Garrick but it was still a good learning lesson.

As Garrick rushed you, he swung a powerful right. You met him halfway, and lashed out with your own right. His punch was faster, and it caught you off guard. The punch landed on your mouth, you felt blood filling your mouth as you spat it out on the ground below you. “Good one but you won’t get another chance,”

You kicked out high and hard, catching Garrick square in the breastbone which you could tell knocked the breath out of him but Garrick recovered faster than you thought he would. “You gotta try harder than that,”

With fast reflexes, you skillfully evaded Garrick's oncoming attack, sidestepping his lunging right arm. Swiftly, you ducked under his extended limb and executed a graceful spin. This dance of evasion continued, leaving Garrick visibly disoriented. Sensing an opportunity, you swiftly drove your elbow into his side, causing him to double over in pain. Capitalizing on his vulnerability, you unleashed a powerful punch, connecting with his face.

However, in a surprising turn of events, Garrick managed to grab hold of you, causing both of you to tumble to the ground. As you found yourself positioned above him, ready to take action, he reversed the situation, and now he was the one on top of you, pinning your hands above your head, asserting his dominance in the sparring match. You locked eyes with him, a mischievous glint in your gaze. "Oh, is it too much for you to handle a woman taking charge?" You taunted, playfully lifting your leg to intensify the connection between you two.

A sly smirk crept across his face, his confidence evident. "Trust me, I can handle you just fine," he retorted, his voice laced with a hint of challenge.

A daring proposition escaped your lips, testing the limits of his bravado. "Care to prove it?"

Garrick's gaze momentarily shifted from your eyes to your enticing lips, but he abruptly released your hands and rose to his feet. "I'm sorry, but I can't," he muttered, hastily gathering his belongings and exiting the gym, leaving you with a mix of curiosity and disappointment.

***

Before you could even close your door completely, Xaden appeared in the doorframe. "Xaden," you greeted, shrugging off your jacket.

"What the hell was that?" Xaden snapped, his tone laced with an unfamiliar emotion. Jealousy.

Confused, you asked, "What do you mean?"

"Don't play dumb with me. You know exactly what I'm talking about," he seethed.

"Oh, you mean sparring with Garrick? I needed a partner while you were occupied with Violet," you explained casually.

Xaden's anger only intensified. "That's not what I'm talking about," he growled.

Frustrated, you turned to face him. "Then what are you talking about?"

In an instant, Xaden pressed you against the wall, his hand tightening around your throat. "You belong to me, and no one else is allowed to touch you," he snarled possessively.

Rolling your eyes at his territorial display, knowing what was going to happen, you decided to push his buttons further. "You never said we were exclusive," You taunted.

He firmly grasped your chin with his other hand, forcefully pressing his lips against yours. The intensity of his kiss was filled with a mix of possessiveness and longing, leaving no doubt that he desired you deeply. The passion between you both was so intense that you knew your lips would be swollen afterwards, but the thought didn't concern you. In fact, you reveled in the roughness of his touch, finding it incredibly arousing. The taste of him on your lips only heightened your desire for him, fueling the fire that burned between you.

You and Xaden have been close friends for many years. The bond between you two had always been platonic, until the overwhelming stress of the Rider's Quadrant pushed you both to give in to your desires during your first year here. Since then, you have being fucking.

As he gently withdrew his lips from your neck, his hand from your chin, and his touch from your neck, he traced a path with his lips along your jawline and down to your neck. Despite being aware of your sensitive spot, he teasingly licked from the nape of your neck to that sweet spot before playfully biting down. The sensation made you involuntarily press against him, feeling his presence against you. He continued to explore your neck, alternating between sucking, licking, and nibbling, leaving behind subtle marks that wouldn't draw too much attention.

With a surge of desire, you raised your hand and gradually unfastened the buttons of his leather jacket, one by one, allowing it to slide down his arms. Your fingertips trailed down his well-defined chest, and then you proceeded to unfasten his pants, eager to explore further.

You slipped your hand under his pants and started rubbing him. He moaned into your neck and let himself enjoy it for a few seconds before he pulled your hand out of his pants. He reached down and cupped your ass before walking over to the bed and laying on your back. "Sit up," He commands.

Complying with him, he proceeds to pull your shirt off and hurls it haphazardly somewhere in the room. With a forceful push, he guides you back onto the bed. In an instant, he pressed his lips against your boobz, roughly caressing your nipple with his tongue, while his hand squeezed the other harshly. This intimate exchange lasted for a fleeting moment before he switched his attention. A soft, voluntary moan escaped your lips, punctuating the shared pleasure.

You observed as he withdrew his lips from your boobs, trailing a trail of affectionate kisses along your body. His nibbles, carefully placed, left a mark of possessiveness, a silent declaration of claiming you as his, adorning your stomach. Aware of the limitations on your neck, he refrained from leaving any visible marks there. With a swift and confident motion, his fingers slipped beneath the fabric of your pants, where they snugly embraced your hips. In one fluid movement, he deftly lowered your pants and underwear. He spread your legs like butter and placed a kiss on your inner thighs before he rubbed your folds before slipping one finger in. "Who made you this wet?"

"Garrick," You teased as you threw your head back in pleasure.

He removed his fingers before placing his mouth on your core and just went to town without warning, licking your pussy in long, wet strokes. He takes one of his fingers and slides it inside of you. You gasp as pure bliss takes over. While he was curling his finger inside you, he was licking the nub of your clit. After a few seconds, he inserts another finger in you. He was hitting your g-spot every single time. As the familiar sensation was building up, so Xaden picked up his speed and roughen his touch. Once you came, he didn't stop there, he fucked you with his tongue over and over again until he knew you were thoroughly fucked.

You were left a panting mess before he finally removed his mouth, stood up and slid down his pants. He positioned himself between your legs and gave himself a few strokes to make sure he was hard enough for you before he pushed into you. Your eyes rolled back as Xaden softly said fuck. No matter how many times you and Xaden fucked, he felt just as good as the first time.

It didn't take long for him to start thrusting into you as fast as he could. He buried his cock deep inside of you as you wrapped your arms around his neck and your legs around his waist. He thrust in and out of her at the perfect pace. “Just like that, Riorson,”

You started to roll your hips, moving along with him, matching his pace. You two move perfectly in sync, your bodies aligned, even your breath in rhythm. You were breathing faster and faster as your climax was nearing. He took his hands off your thighs and flipped you over to where you were sitting on his lap for a deeper angle. He buried his face in the side of your neck and bit you gently, right in that sweet spot he found earlier. That pushes you over the edge. You grinded your body hard against him, the rhythmic contraction of your pussy squeezing his cock. "Xaden!" You yelled out as your high hits

“I'm about to cum.” He said as you rode him until he let out a deep groan.

He rolled you back over onto your back and before he pulled out he grabbed the towel he keeps on the bedside table so he could clean you up. "Don't ever think Garrick can fuck you as good as I can, babygirl. I've been fucking you for the past three years. No one knows your body like I do,"

[ripplestitchskein]

Like, can we take a second to understand that every single moment from the time Stolas left that courtroom until the end of Sinsmas was a SENSORY NIGHTMARE? He is immediately attacked and has disgusting things thrown on him after truly believing he was going to DIE, he’s taken to a place he does not live and is not familiar with, is put in clothes that are not his own and then awakens covered in horse plushies to a bright and chipper Blitz making food he is unfamiliar with. He is then taken out into a world he does not know, surrounded by people who are openly hostile to him, that he does not know the social conventions or etiquette for, and its all activities that require a TREMENDOUS amount of executive function even if you are at your peak: laundry, shopping, trying on clothes, running from shopkeepers and getting into fights at diners all this while UNMEDICATED and worrying about his daughter who he has not seen, who will not communicate with him, and who is currently being looked after by a woman who tried to kill him twice and brother in law who just took everything he has.

Then after all that he is asked to participate in a holiday he does not celebrate, which is already overwhelming on its own, but this time in a in a chaotic workplace while being asked to learn a new job with people he doesn’t know very well, people are actively fighting and blowing each other up, and being very loud the entire time. He’s encouraged to answer a phone while in the middle of a sobbing break down to talk to the worst sinner in Hell who then reminds him of how badly he fucked up and how people view what he did, has a moment of suicidal ideation and is then left ALONE with the homophobe who triggered it.

He rightfully loses his shit and goes after his daughter and is swallowed alive by an ice hydra, gets decimated emotionally by his daughter and is then forced to participate in a Sinsmas party, again with people he doesn’t know, who are all being extremely loud and overwhelming. He goes outside to have some time alone and he’s followed and reassured with a story about an estranged loved one, who to this day, has not forgiven Blitz. It doesn’t exactly inspire hope to be told “My sister won’t see me either because of something I did, we were really close, it super sucks”.

Like we, the audience, can recognize that Blitz is being extremely supportive and open for once and trying to be helpful and he’s approaching it exactly like he does Loona (like to the letter), but lets take a moment to see how this looks from Stolas’s POV. He doesn’t even know Blitz realized he was in love with him at this point, they haven’t talked about it. Their last conversation before all this kicked off that we can reasonably expect him to remember was when he found out Blitz didn’t tell him about Striker’s first assassination attempt? He was drunk at the party and we have no way of knowing how much of that he retained. He even says that Blitz doesn’t have to feel guilty. Because what else is he supposed to think are the motivations behind Blitz’s 180? Guilt and pity and quid pro quo life saving.

So yeah, it’s a lot for him to process and the show was very clear about how much it was and how unhinged he’s feeling right now and like, if you think what he should be doing in those moments is performing gratitude for gratitudes sake I dunno what to tell you buddy.

[walkawaytall]

I really wish there was more interest in how to handle ADHD other than just addressing the symptoms that affect the people around us.

Like, the best pharmaceutical treatment we have right now is stimulants, and I agree that being on stimulants 24 hours a day, 365 days a year is probably not good for your body. Hell, I’m on a less-than-ideal dose of my medication from a concentration perspective because the ideal dose had my resting heart rate sitting at a cool 115BPM. I know taking med holidays is important. I know all of this.

But because ADHD isn’t just an attention problem (or may not actually be an attention problem at all at its core), it sucks that the only time period medical professionals seem to be concerned about treating are the “important” times: the length of a school or workday. Forget the fact that ADHD affects executive function, forget the fact that people with ADHD often experience chronic and unending anxiety and/or depression as a result of the ADHD, forget that there are important times that have nothing to do with an 8-hour school or work day, forget the rejection sensitivity dysphoria, the sensory issues that make things like clothing, food, and group situations a nightmare to try to navigate, the household stuff that has to be taken care of outside of the 8-hour school or work day. It feels like none of that matters because it doesn’t affect a group of fifteen or more people.

On top of ADHD, I have been plagued with anxiety-related issues for the majority of my life. I likely have a form of OCD and I have a history with a restrictive eating disorder; both of those conditions are very closely associated with high levels of anxiety. I’ve been on anxiety medications before. I was first given an as-needed medication that took the edge off but also made everything feel a little fuzzy, like there was a pane of glass between me and the rest of the world; I was put on an SSRI that somehow made my OCD-related intrusive thoughts about 50x worse than usual and had me wondering at one point if I should be hospitalized; and I’m currently on buspirone, which is doing what it’s supposed to do without the side effects of the others thankfully. But nothing, and I mean nothing, has reduced my anxiety as much as my ADHD medication.

Two hours after my first stimulant dosage, I just suddenly didn’t feel on-edge any more. I estimate that being on ADHD medication has reduced my anxiety by about 70% (buspirone’s for the other 30%). I started taking it in the summer of 2020 and I remember, in 2021, when I saw my boss in person for the first time since lockdown, he remarked on how much more confident I seemed, how I was more likely to speak up in meetings, etc. And I was like…yeah, man, it’s a wonder what not feeling anxious every second of every day will do for someone.

ADHD affects so much more of my life than just attention and anxiety, too. I have sensory issues with mine, which is pretty common, and they make eating — an already sometimes-complicated task due to the ED history — difficult at times because, while I can eat foods that I don’t particularly like, if something is what I call “the bad texture”, I will gag no matter how hard I work to overcome it (believe me, I’ve tried). And my brain sometimes decides that foods that were previously fine are now “the bad texture” and they may or may not shift back to being okay eventually; I don’t know.

The sensory issues affect me socially. My therapist and I have recently come to the conclusion that I’m probably not actually an introvert, but if I’m around larger groups, that means noise and movement and probably being touched, and too much of that causes my brain to either freak out or shut down. I used to always say, “I love people, but when I’m done, I’m done.” And that was likely because the overstimulation was building and building in the background, and at a certain point, my brain would just be like, “We gotta get outta here.” I was Queen of Irish Goodbyes for a very long time because of this.

And the executive dysfunction affects…well..everything? Not just work, not just school (but also those because if my environment is chaotic, my brain feels chaotic, and it is difficult to maintain a non-chaotic environment if you keep getting stuck on order of operations when picking up a room).

I’m not saying that I want to be on longer-lasting stimulants or that I want to be on the higher dose that I know helps my concentration more, cardiovascular system by damned. What I’m saying is, I wish treatment research had been more holistic rather than just figuring out what would give teachers and managers an easier time despite what the person with ADHD might be dealing with as soon as their meds wear off.

Maybe current research is working on it; I don’t know. I just know that, the older I get, the more frustrated I am with my brain and the more apparent the deficiencies I used to be able to counteract with pre-chronic-illness energy and crushing perfectionism become, and I wish there was an answer to this that actually helped me most of the time rather than forcing me to pick which parts of my day/week is “important” and making sure I’m medicated for those parts.

[reimeichan]

I was diagnosed with severe combined type ADHD well into my adulthood. The many years of undiagnosed ADHD has a major source of my trauma, and I hate it so much.

I know a lot of people think of ADHD as a silly, quirky disorder. Someone with ADHD has trouble sitting still, has focus issues, has short term memory problems, etc. None of this sounds like anything so bad on the surface.

What people often don't see is... how people like me are treated.

(tw child abuse ahead)

Growing up, I was often punished and berated for things that "normal" kids could handle. I constantly forgot my homework, couldn't get the executive functioning to start on projects until the last minute, would be so hyperfocused in a book that I would miss dinner, be unable to sit still long enough to practice piano, etc. And each time that happened, I would be punished for it. Hit, spanked, yelled at, grounded, belongings destroyed... it was constant, daily punishment. It felt like I could do nothing right. Pretty much all of my punishable actions could be tied in some way to my undiagnosed ADHD.

It was genuinely awful and I have a lifetime of trauma from that. I'm scared of even shaking my foot when I'm by myself in my own room, I feel guilty for spending any amount of time reading or playing video games. I beat myself up for my lack of executive functioning. And my parents never, ever tried to help me learn those skills. All they did was try to beat those "habits" and beat the "laziness" out of me. And tell me that "all kids experience that, you're just making excuses" (I now know that ADHD is often found within the same family, and I highly suspect at least one of my parents to have it as well to the point they normalized their own experiences).

I can genuinely say that many of my mental health disorders (the DID, the depression, the anxiety, the suspected NPD, and anything else I've missed) can all be tied back to my undiagnosed and unmanaged ADHD, and all the trauma that came with that. Hell, even into adulthood, I struggle more with my ADHD symptoms than I do with anything else. If anything, the other things just further exacerbate my ADHD struggles. It genuinely sucks.

This isn't to say I find all aspects of my ADHD bad. I genuinely enjoy the hyperfocus (when it's hyperfocus on something I actually want to hyperfocus on). I think the way my brain jumps from topic to topic, connection to connection, has made me more creative than many of the people around me. And it's very much a part of me that makes me kind of uniquely "me". But also... I know it's such a big part of my trauma history that to try to paint it as this positive thing in my life would be a lie.

But yeah. I wish we talked more about how traumatizing living with ADHD is.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

https://www.tumblr.com/raven-at-the-writing-desk/765084948516503552/maybe-we-simply-underestimate-how-difficult-and?source=share if i'm not mistaken Jamil idk in what book i think 5 mentions smth about how different his and Jade UM are, but on my opinion imagine this irl if someone tells you to jump you'll probably do so bc in your perspective is smth easy but if someone tells you to give them the most honest true or a piece of your mind you will filter it or even lie some people spoil it and say something they're truly thinking yeah? after that they're usually more careful around the person that made them spoil those thoughts which is how Jade's UM probably works he doesn't like telling you his UM bc if you knew this random person is smooth and makes you feel safe enough to tell them a piece of your thoughts even when you know they're dangerous as hell you will be wary you will try to held your thoughts tight to you

[Referencing this post and this post!]

Aaaaah, you’re talking about 6-60! The way Jamil describes it, his UM, Snake Whisper I refuse to call is Snake Charmer allows him to “control […] a target’s will.” Jade’s UM, Shock the Heart, differs in that is useful for “[extracting] very specific information from a target.” They’re both magic that manipulates the mind, but specialize in different aspects of it.

I think an issue with comparing the jumping to confessing is that jumping is a very limited example of what Jamil’s magic can do (whereas a confession covers a large span of information). Jamil has a LOT more range than that, and seemingly no limits imposed on him. He even suggests that he could achieve the same results as Jade if he uses Snake Whisper or gives orders in a certain way. So… Jamil’s UM still comes off as purely better than Jade’s. It can just be so much more.

How far could Jamil take his commands? I feel like there should be a ceiling to what Jamil is able to get others to do if there’s limits to what Jade can make people confess. Like, what if something really strongly goes against someone’s moral compass??? Is Jamil still able to order his victims to like… go to ANY extreme if he wanted?? Including murder?? Surely at some point the target’s will would kick in and push back against Jamil’s control??? And how is Jamil able to get the subjects under his thumb again after they’re already cognizant of his UM? Shouldn’t they be able to better resist him…? But no, apparently his UM hurts them if they put up a fight?? Again, this is something Jade lacks. I feel like Twst should have just said “it’s harder for them both to successfully recast their UM on the same people after one use”; this would make sense (because targets would be more wary of making eye contact with them) while better equalizing the two spells. You would be equally as unlikely to trust someone who makes you speak the truth to them as much as you are someone who makes you act as they command.

The other thing is, I think we’re assuming a lot of energy and effort is put into retrieving information (which may very well be true!), but we’re also assuming that forcing others to act a certain way is less demanding of energy and effort. I feel like that isn’t the case at all. Yes, finding secrets in your memories, filtering them, and sharing takes considerable executive function to achieve—but so does planning movement and behaviors, then executing them. Your brain and muscles have to coordinate to figure out what you’re going to do and say… as well as what to NOT do and NOT say. This, too, is also filtering and refining, and it’s just as complicated as the systems involved in Jade fishing for the truth.

Lastly, I also feel like sharing usually hidden details isn’t an absolute; it could be dependent on the circumstances such as emotional state. For example, if you’re charged on anger or sadness, you may be more loose-lipped than you would be at a neutral state.

Those are my thoughts, anyway ^^ Very interesting stuff, I can’t believe we actually haven’t talked that deeply about this topic until very recently (ie this month)!

[finalgirlsamwinchester]

re: last post and rambling thoughts on torture before i pass out - the key thing about represented torture to me is a matter of bodies being humiliated and punished before an audience. there's a distinct line between who experiences bodily torture and gets violated on screen vs. the threat of or implied past torture. more important to me is the matter of who gets visually stripped of power before us, as the voyeuristic audience. when i speak on humiliation - it can be something as simple yet starkly different as dean getting to keep his shirt on while hooked up in hell vs. meg strapped to a table naked in s6. abbadon threatening dean with possession described as a kind of rape (9.02) vs. crowley making a rape joke before possessing sam a few episodes later. (and yeah, stuff like possession falls under the added filter of genre fantasy, separating us from the reality of the violation that's occuring). really, torture just comes down to one thing: what gets shown to us. what gets lingered upon.

no one's free from physical torture/humiliation on this show. but there's a hierarchy for depicted humiliation etched out on the basis of masculinity (a Hero can never appear too weak) and gender - but most importantly, divided by monstrosity/humanity - especially obvious in how it treats its women (thinking on the good charlie/bad charlie plot from s10. who gets brutalised on screen?). there's also the added dimension of race, and the brutality of deaths inflicted on characters of colour on this show. there's a difference between a regular on-screen death and an excessively cruel one. the difference between getting stabbed vs. being made to drink bleach while your wife watches (3.01) vs. your head garroted on screen (3.07). one carries heavier overtones of humiliation. because to bring it back around again - torture is a theatre of punishment, first and formost, just like a public execution. it functions as a warning, but it also acts as a social sacrificial ritual. a means of collective punishment.

and on this show, the lines get blurred between its metaphorical hierarchies (monstrosity/humanity) and incidental inclusion of real world systemic oppression (along the lines of represented gender/race/disability etc.). monstrosity often gets used metaphorically in speculative fiction to stand in for categories of marginalised people, and it also functions similarly on this show. it all boils back down to a fundamental truth: torture, just like sexual violence, just like abuse, is the natural language of hierarchies. it's the language by which power (re)asserts itself. everything falls under the umbrella of systemic violence.

Black Sails S2E1 because this is one of the clearest illustrations of this principle i've seen yet on tv

(yes i'm throwing Foucault's Discipline and Punish onto a harebrained Supernatural meta i'm writing at 2 am. what about it)

[matrixwhore]

IWTV S2 Watch Thoughts EP 1

This is technically a rewatch, but I literally just finished watching this for the first time like yesterday and i'm watching it again 🤭

It's been a while...that is one part intentional and was always going to be the way I approached S2. It was also one part very necessary that I took time away from online and just focus on my life, and one part so much anticipation of the show that I couldn't watch it until I was absolutely ready. This show means a lot to me for a lot of reason beyond just watching it. So yeah I'm gonna just stick with the point of this post. I am watching IWTV from a disability lense. Among the other themes and different angles to look at what's happening on the show I often consider how disability/ableism interacts with blackness, how it interacts with ageism, how it interacts with mental instability, how it interacts with gender, religion, class etc. etc. etc. etc. I'm mostly doing this for me to get my thoughts out, but I love to talk about this show, so I just want people to keep in mind the angle I come to this w if for whatever reason there's something to say about what I got to say (not that, that really matters in the grand scheme). It seems obvious to me why this lens is necessary, but I'll note here that the show literally opens in S1 with an aged disabled man staring down the finality of his life and deciding to chase after the fountain of youth/the fountain of forever that never flows with water (I'll never stop thinking about that conversation on here!) that refreshes no one even as they are imbued with power (supernatural ability).

Season one was structured like a hunt being played out like games. Poker, then chess and then at the end the play (as in the staged play but also as in the hand in the game!) was revealed. In S2 there's a clear interaction with being in a staged play and being on trial and that matters to me because how often trials are like plays especially when you are being judged as a person with intersecting marginalized identities. I think about who is a witness, and who gets to testimony with their voice, and when and why someone is judged as guilty and who is directing the play (and trial), and who gets a speaking role, and what do they get to say when they are allowed to speak. Lynchings for black people were trials fast tracked to executions, they didn't have a say about the supposed "crime" they committed, about their death as as result of their supposed guilt and about the fact that their death existed as entertainment much like these plays, for the white people who attended with their children even. (This too is a conversation about disability. this is a conversation about ableism as the mechanism that keeps every marginalization/"ism" functioning as we know them, but lemme slow down) so...yeah, much to think about.

please this is about s1 but it shows up in the previously ons....the opening of the story Louis is telling that takes place in NOLA "the year was 1910" and we see the Fairplay in lights! AINT NOTHING FAIR ABOUT THIS PLAY! my chest is in knots

also Claudia as a poison, a venom. forbidden both as the forbidden fruit and the snake in the garden... I'll have to come back to this train of thought...maybe, maybe not idk. have we said this already? the thinking pieces are many on here.

anyways!

(9 minutes into the show this is already so long I'm putting this under a read more)

What Can the Damned Really Say to the Damned?

In the title the war is on top (somewhere Beyonce's love on top is playing...I know it is...) bombs being dropped on what would be heaven if not for the fact that they are already in hell. It is not just the vampires with hungry mouths for death, it is also the cities themselves (oh I did say this somewhere already I'm sure)

thinking about their escape from what they perceived as hell equating/being: existing under Lestat and his domination over them, is revealed as just one facet of the hell that has always already existed around them. I wonder sometimes if they had managed to find somewhere that wasn't even more war torn than the life they left behind (leave the battle to join the war. win the battle to lose the war foreshadow foreshadow) what that could have been for their relationship because my heart weeps okay?! But Claudia knows she has to find other vampires. she isn't enough for him no matter what Louis tells himself to dream at night.

_____________

Claudia doesn't dream, she goes after the life she believes she deserves and that's what I think she wants Louis to know when she insists she doesn't dream. That is what she finds he fails in relating to her on i think. it's one of the things anyway. Maybe she's also saying all she has is nightmares. There are no dreams. not in her waking, not in her sleep. Idk im getting ahead of it.

Louis: "She might have said that to shut me up, but yet, she writes it here. So, let's believe it"

Daniel: "Let's."

keeping in mind everything is part of the play/trial. also that the trial that takes her life itself is a spector over their lives. that the journals were and still are Claudia's only voice (the only space she had the ability to express honestly and the only space where they "listen" to her) and how they are used out of context to legitimize or delegitimize her in their (Louis, the court, lestat, Daniel, Armand and on and on.) own experience even with her. ugh so much so much I'll get to it.

_____________

please delainey is already so cute climbing out the ground 🤭 murdering dying soldiers. das my baby fr! nobody touch me! i wanna raise her. i too would have begged to keep her! 😭 (don't remind me of this when I'm on Louis about this....I get to keep truths in the shadow too! I'm ahead of myself!)

thinking about the fact that they dig their own graves for the days, bury themselves to sleep and then every night they crawl out of their graves to keep on enduring hell (foreshadow foreshadow). the imagery of the birth of a vampire in many other vampire lores being crawling out of their own graves comes to mind. and this is kind of their birth seeing as how this is them as vampires officially out on their own for the first time really.

____________

Armand continually cutting in is taking if FOR ME personally. He is so funny like you're 500 year old parent trying to make jokes pleaseee. 🤭 this is followed closely by Claudia throwing Louis the ripped out heart of a dying soldier.

____________

let us take a moment with Louis to ponder Claudia's inability to dream as a deficit. meanwhile he is tormented by his dreams even in his waking. his dreams being made up of dreamlestat makes me think his pondering of her lack of dreaming here is related to his inner belief about whether or not she is capable of love. his nightmares are linked to his love for lestat and the torment it causes him to have been involved in his "demise". so I wonder if he has this view of her lack of dreaming because she was able to kill lestat and would have had he not intervened. and because he doesn't feel she loves him--Louis. and because he doesn't see her anger towards him as rooted in love loss because of the betrayal she feels. love loss would indicate she can and did love him and he lost that love. she is seen as someone who can't love. just like she can't dream. because it's easier to ponder these things as a deficit in Claudia for him. (for now)

Armand likens it to the sleep of an infant while she out there providing for Louis and herself. I have to laugh. Such is her existence. she got the papers, she facilitates the meals, she makes the plans, she learning all the languages, she still the baby! even though she's not. because she is. even when she's not.

(off topic, kind of, but I saw a gif set of Assad saying Armand would love Buffy and it made me so happy. I agree and his favorite episode is Buffy S6 I can't remember the episode number..maybe 5 or 6, but it's the tabula rasa episode! He was on his tablet writing a think piece about why Willow is misunderstood in that episode when he was playing Rashid. He might be writing it right now at the table 😂. I like to think his username was TheRealRashid, because it makes me laugh even more every time Daniel calls the real real Rashid "Real Rashid").

__________

The switch from the very controlled way Armand appeared in S1 as Rashid to the very relaxed way he appears now. Is this the first we see him in white? He wants to be seen as an angel so badly. one thing about Armand he gonna let that chest peak! I like this white button down!

He's not part of the interview but he's at the table, he's not eating bc he is no longer an actor he's directing, the table is part of his home, but his home is the stage, this is all part of the play/trial. viewers included, we are all part of it (the writers did allude to that before the season started, but it's exciting to experience it) the play and are all on trial. the Théâtre des Vampires is also a haunting over their lives.

________

Claudia calling Louis dumb, Louis playing dumb ,made me laugh a little bit. it made me laugh! I'm sorry. but it fascinates me because she cannot get around without an adult, but here she passes him off as an invalid because she is leading this expedition and he is barely useful in this journey. I think it's interesting that Louis doesn't consider she might be too tired to dream when he is under the framework of believing she doesn't dream.

________

She also doesn't talk to him but she writes everything. I have so much to say on Claudia and her journals, but I really want to get into it more when we get to the trials. She can't talk to him and have her full experience considered. Also he literally choked her. He always talks about it like she's angry because he wouldn't let her burn lestat, but he doesn't reflect much on how he stopped her from doing that. he knows it's fucked up enough when lestat did it to her. he doesn't consider that he choked the trust out of their relationship.

ALSO

Louis never drank from black people in NOLA so this, I guess, this is his first time of being confronted with drinking blood as drinking life meaning whatever life the person lived being consumed can be miserable. he is confronted with this now because the inescapable misery of this war. (inescapable misery......) this makes me think about who lestat chooses to kill and how Louis viewed him for who he chose. it makes me think of when they drank from the tenor who mostly led a good life. it makes me think about how lestat is ruled by hedonism in many ways. it also makes me think about this as his abuse and monstrosity doubling as sheltering them from the dreadful scope vampirism. I imagine lestat figured this out on his own and that is something he considered when choosing his victims. he learned to read their minds as part of his hunt and that's what he passed on to Louis. he learned to consider their inner world before drinking from them. they, Louis and Claudia, don't have the luxury of doing that where they are right now. There is no escape from the misery. there is no life untouched by the chill of death in this all consuming war. there's no dreaming. no hope. only surviving. tho I do think the only hope he has is dreamlestat and that is also torment. I think about how Louis' vampirism is an all consuming war. and I do want to jump just a little. just a little!

Claudia staring at that fire like oh we really speaking French now talking about "we're taking it all in." and "we can't get warm." even tho Claudia has only known a life on fire she has never been able to stay warm, but okay Louis.

I really like this scene. Louis talking to himself is a running theme that I'm kind of obsessed with.

_______

Louis knocking off that jaw and it turning to dust means something! It means something!!!! Claudia's hope for a future with vampires better than lestat being a long dead thing. a dead on arrival thing. what he did to them being turned to dust at Louis' touch. I think about that in terms of how the hard truth that they where better off with out him being as good as dust to Louis at this point anyway. even if he can't say it out loud.

_______

I know that dead weight hit, but at least she put it in a journal Louis! he would have never known had he not read it. but you 🫵🏾 Louis! you like to say that quiet part out loud! I can only do so much understanding!

________

"Unworthy in San Francisco, unworthy in Dubai. Disregard!" I'm sure there's something to say here but I cannot stop laughing. He really went from dad jokes to scorned mother talking shit.

_______

Claudia still taking souvenirs. I was gonna ask what does she even need the gun for. I can think of how it can be used even by vampires. but I doubt it's being used.

_________

I know why the caged bird crawls out of lestat's neck and flies away!

__________

bloodletting anyone always used to feel like murder until he murdered lestat (the only one who isn't actually fully dead). do we call this growth? im joking

__________

in romania is really the upfront conversation of what do people believe about what they witness. what do they cast doubt over in order to shield themselves with. and off the strength of even possibility what precautions do they take? I like that this happens before we get to the theater in Paris that makes a show out of this very thin line.

anyways the excitement of possible vampires that aren't lestat (and Louis) break Claudia's silent treatment.

__________

Emilia said "you will make the friends" because vodka surely that is a unifying vice. but they black Emilia. they aren't just American. they are black. I have to laugh.

___________

I just know Claudia is tried of seeing Louis' walls come down, quiver, at the sight of any half decent looking white man with an accent. because what is there to trust about him enough to break character right now??n(that he ends up as the someone untrustworthy by this very same man later on like...)

I need time to think irt to memory and Louis. I'll circle back.

__________

Daniel hanging on to the legitimacy of this interview like a life line. his power lies in the investigation he's more than capable of.

_________

something something about kids turning darkness into song, and Claudia being an eternal morbid child likened to a caged bird singing with clipped wings imprisoned in an eternal night and still not fitting in with these morbid singing children who's wings have been clipped by war and occupation something something and the looming threat of the vampire on them all.

__________

the cover being searching for his wife with a picture of his sister, while he looks for vampires with his daughter/sister now provider. this is so normal. all of this is so so normal.

"up your bum" I am laughing. I am laughing. this is all so normal. Morgan said "I know what you are"

what I have to say about memory and Louis is tied in with something I have to say about Louis being regarded always as exceptionally untrustworthy in comparison to those around him (who also lie). I need to chew on it a bit.

even when he wants to be genuine (giving his real name) he is lying (just looking for his wife). are his intentions nefarious in this lie. not exactly, but by the very nature of being a vampire yes, but not in the way this man is thinking of it, except to this man exactly in the way he is thinking of it. because oh! he is black and it does matter. This white man feels it his duty to keep this black man in line with the rules and the laws (themes motifs we'll see this again, we see this often). never mind what it would mean for him to turn back and take his punishment for his black daughter who this white man has seen and knows would be left alone should this Louis turn back and take his punishment. because they do see her as a child. so does she also go back to take her punishment as well? and what is her crime? and if no crime. isn't it still a punishment she would suffer regardless? isn't her fate always intwined with the ways in which Louis doesn't adhere to laws and rules expected of the black man. expected of the fledgling vampire. I see this in so many ways as Louis still fatally underestimating how his vampirism (and his blackness) separates him from others existing in time and space in a way that he does not.

(preemptive anxieties: anyone with the urge to tell me it's not about Louis being black should remind themselves that they flat out have Louis calling himself the magical vodka negro and keep it.)

_________

delainey is so infectious the way she plays Claudia's excitement. 🥺

Louis said baboons. please this why she told that man you dumb Louis.

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something something lestat left in a dump yard to feed on rats. something something them sleeping in where the rats lived, something something the rats at the theater to come and Claudias fate (more later), something something Louis to share a rat meal with lestat. something somethings.

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"why you laughing with them giving out your real name?"

like I said, Claudia perceived in her coldness, but her coldness is her awareness of their vampirism and how it separates them and their blackness and how it separates them and her black girlhood/womanhood and how it separates her from Louis.

thinking about the difference between the old vampires with powerful blood running through their veins and options of blood to feed on and the old vampires that are seemingly weak by comparison being sick. sick by the the age maybe? the misery? and maybe the blood they have to survive on...

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oh yeah Louis is also choking the life out of their "freedom" by carrying lestat with them. there's also that.

I wanna cry that the one vampire that she "finds" that isn't a bastard is one she has to have made and that's so very short lived.....

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so this thing with Louis actively working through his memory right. the reveals come in his being able to testimony. Dubai also serves as a trial and here Louis gets to speak. and here Claudia only gets to say what's written in her journal and what we know of her experience is still perceived by the men who pick apart her experience by way of her journals. it's important that Claudia writes down that she doesn't dream. tells Louis that she doesn't dream. but is seen by Louis most likely dreaming. so does she not remember her dreams? does she lie to Louis and her self about those dreams? Does she not qualify them as dreams because they are nightmares? We will never know. We will never know because she does not get to testimony. She does not matter as a witness. Louis as a witness and his testimony is held under the same ableist scrutiny that victims of abuse, survivors of assault, black people, and mentally ill people critically face when it comes to the law. Do they speak of what they remember perfectly? Do they get to speak at all? and when they don't remember perfectely they are liars even if it's just that they are remembering incorrectly. Even if they believe what they remember and tell it that way because they believe it. I know that he does lie, but THEY ALL LIE. everyone. he is seen as exceptional in this often by the viewers included because we are also part of the play and the trial and like the audience at the theater (I do recall the great "Louis is a liar" wave of s1) and by everyone around him even tho he suffers from what is only natural about memory and age as well and memory irt to trauma and mental illness as well as memory irt to the difference of perspectives. This is why it is very important that Daniel is the other side of this memory coin. he is also the other witness that corroborates a truth about San Francisco that is missing for both of them, but we will get to that. Mental illness and blackness (and for Claudia girlhood/womanhood intersecting with blackness) disable credibility. disable worthiness. disable fair play! I want to get into Claudia more, but I will later.

and I think this moment with Louis crying because he is able to uncover a truth beyond his Claudia's diaries and what she says to him, hidden within his own memories is really one of the first times Daniel is forced to confront the full scope of Louis humanity. his experience. he is uncomfortable with the rawness of authenticity not because he hasn't seen Louis cry. I think because he also carried an inner belief that Louis is a liar. that his is not a credible source rather than that his is a traumatized vampire that is reaching back through time to make the monster that is memory reveal what is real and true about what happened all those years ago. I consider his sarcasm when Louis stressed how important it was that they got every detail right. that they got them accurately. this eats at him. and this is the first time Daniel has to sit with viewing Louis as a meal as well.

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anyways there's a trial in romania as well. on whether Emilia is a monster for having possibly been bit by one. the very possibility of truth in superstition means her head rolls. the occupying soldiers are the judge, jury, and executioner. and even though this situation does involve a vampire, the fallout and impact of what vampires do to humanity are viewed, by Louis and Claudia, as a separate human issue that they will not involve themselves in. because their aim here to join that issue and make friends with it. in a way they cannot with non-vampire humans.

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the caged bird sings to scare the locals! (well in this case not the locals but you get my point)

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Forgive me, I keep hearing They Not Like Us every time I see this vampire omg!

he's no good as a vampire anymore because Claudia disabled him by taking his eyes, so he dies. and the vampire who kills him prophesies Claudia's demise it seems, dreams only for a moment a life with them off of Claudia's sweet blood (with the power of lestat coursing through it) and she then jumps in the fire. for the hopelessness and the endless loss, and probably for having been the one to have to kill her own son and also for not being able to make anyone new vampires.

the blood is no good for turning vampires. Louis says "maybe you need better blood" where she gonna get it Louis? where can she get this elusive better blood?

"all those that in darkness go into the darkness" she says this to Claudia specifically. then she jumps into the fire and burns! that means something I know it does. as well as the rest of what she says that feel very much like a warning. dreams give you their names and die right before your very eyes.

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I was getting side-eyed for noting that it's (seemingly) been many nights since the warmth of infatuation and the heat of needy fucking transpired in this home of theirs. but there that groan is. in between them. like I am truly a loumand fuck crazy and nasty truther, it's just the chill is right here before my very eyes in the text. that freaky feeding at the dinner table in front of Daniel was a reawakening that's all I was saying. that's all I was saying! 🤭

I wanna believe someone figured out what book that was on Armand's iPad...if someone did. I wanna know.

Armand goes from notes in the margin participation to directing the course of this thing.

He is on the record and now Louis is leading the expedition in the past! I love that their intimacy is always played up when they really get into the act! and we are certainly on a different act.

and now Armand is dressed in grey. just little observations. it means something im sure.

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the hard words and soft words from Louis! He really does weave through being brother and father and mother. their relationship is so normal. He wanna believe he's being real with her even with dreamlestat sitting right there. He's choosing and she's choosing to believe him. they both need it.