#like hearing abt this made me so sad.
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i feel like im too young to be the cool auncle but like i hope to be soon bc from overhearing how my sister is doing with my nephew i feel like i need to take him out for a day to get some food and go to a park or smthn
#cliffnotes/.txt#yet i have no car or job atm#but thats not important#like i get shes a single mother but also...you've been sending him to stay over at your bf's????#girl this man has been in my baby's life for like a year at most dont do that#like i cant watch him full time but i would if needed and also hes been acting out in school#probably bc he misses her!#hes been an only child and stuck to her constsntly until my youngest nephew was born#and ur having him somewhere else??????#girl hes heartbroken!#now im like let me see my little buddy right now i need to give him a hug and he loves hugs i'll hug him for as long as he wants#like hearing abt this made me so sad.#truly was abt to cry and i still am while typing these tags#cause i get it too#im on ok terms w/ my mother now but i remember being booted from getting attention bc of my brother being born#he shouldnt have to feel unwanted like that!
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i know most of u follow me for reasons entirely unrelated to my fics and ao3 and stuff but Man i am really debating either not posting anymore or taking down my stuff. idk its just like. rahhhh
#melee rambles#it feels so desolateee. posting work that you love and not knowing 90% of peoples thoughts on it#outside of maybe like kudos#which i appreciate too and i am always happy to see#but like. idk. i want to Hear what people think#an added number to the pile doesn’t tell me much more than 👍#like im thinking back to before i commented on fics like. wow those authors didn’t know i talked abt the fic with my friends and how much#i loved it. they didn’t know if i went back and reread it. they didn’t know if it made me feel anything at all reallu#and thats so sad!!! i always Always make sure to leave at least something when i read fics nkw#because they put that out there for everybody to read and as much as people wail when ao3 is down. like. do their fave authors even know#that they’re their favorite? do they even know that people are relying on their fics for comfort or anything???#idk. it makes me sad to think about#and it makes me sad to experience#so maybe i shoulddd jus t stop making myself sad#vaguely debating doing the same for my art sideblog but idk abt that yet
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the last night in my apartment :,)
#last night in this place/campus as a whole too :(#it's for the best & i'm really really glad to be moving on. but there's so many little things abt this apartment & this job ik im gonna miss#like having the whole house/campus to myself sometimes. being right next to so much nature. using the big dance studio when no one's around.#singing as loud as i can when the house is empty. raiding the fridge every time a group leaves. meeting the most incredible people.#watching incredible art be made every day. hearing people's creative process and seeing it unfold. god. the people!!! i'm gonna miss that!!!#anyway. truthfully i have had a very hard time w/ this job & i'm glad to be moving on. but the good parts have been SO good.#and i'm sad to be leaving those behind.#new year new life for me. everything's changing!#a
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I will be forever grateful i can be on this new med. it's one a lot of folks also need and can struggle to have access to! It's important i be on it, especially if i start doing any vid collabs
(some of which, really, all of which, i unfortunately actually need to cancel that were in the preplanning stages, bc the election results have me wanting to wait and see how the general atmosphere of the country is before i agree to meet up with anyone. I feel bad for cancelling, but also i just can't know for sure how safe things are/might be going forward and I'd rather avoid the potential of. ya know. various not great things that could happen at a meet up, tho i would certainly hope they wouldn't. i don't feel like actually addressing them rn, u guys know what i mean)
That said, if the truvada initial side effects could fuck off asap would be so lovely. three weeks at worst, then they should be gone/much better or so i am told. really hope that's true bc losing my mornings to being dizzy and nauseous is Not Working for me lmao. im on week two, and now understand why my new doc said to call if i needed any 'cheerleading' and support to get thru the side effects, bc apparently she's done that for several ppl to make sure they actually make it thru the three weeks and keep on it (lovely of her!!)
#text post#not going to get into the other painful smack of this morning#suffice to say that medicaid does not in fact fully cover vocal therapy/training for trans ppl#even if ur docs feel incredibly certain it is#if i was making a decent bit over minimum wage at consistent hours and already had my current debts paid off mostly#then I'd happily consider paying the chunk Medicaid won't cover but as of now#it would literally be basically two paychecks if not three to cover the estimate for this first visit#and that's only if the poll would have us polling every week like we did before the election#otherwise we're guesstimating it would be upwards of 4 paychecks to cover it#I'm actually gonna get into in here bc nobody reads all my tag essays (fair valid and correct)#im really sad abt this. my voice gets me clocked a lot and while i can mostly handle like. visually being clocked#my voice giving me away genuinely makes me feel a pain in my chest. i can't get my customer service voice to go lower yet#and even if it's my usual voice I've made minimal progress on my own self done vocal study stuff#so like. no one knows how high it was compared to how it is now tho so no one actually hears it as anything near deep#which it isn't but like. there's been a slightly barely there drop of it per at least a couple ppl in my life#i was probably going to be able to learn how to sing again and find my new range. I'd fix my customer service voice#even if it would only ever be a teeny bit lower than how it is now. it would be lovely#im not gonna get too down tho bc someday hopefully I'll be able to make it happen/afford it#and for now...im doing the bad thing of not cancelling the appt yet#i will bc they're booking out for months and it isn't right of me to take a spot i know i can't keep#but. let me pretend i can for another day or two. maybe until monday. then I'll call or msg them on mychart#and let them know i just don't have the funds rn tho i do deeply appreciate that Medicaid at least pays part of it#im just not at a point where i can cover the rest but that I'll reschedule/have a new referral sent whenever that changes#...and hopefully things in this country will be of such a state that such care is still available to ppl like me.#but that's all we're saying on that bc im already having a pathetic little cry over this#(im fine the med side effects have me crying over everything lol i see a sad commercial and Instant Tears like someone died lmaooo)
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i wanna go back to playing oneshot again... and just. enjoying myself in the oneshot universe
#i hate how short lived my fixation was ... i really love the game and i want to stay there#im listening to the ost again. i feel so immersed and comfy listening to the music#the best word i can use to describe oneshot's ost is... lofi. its so calm and quiet. barely any high tempo songs#i mean there is one song that makes you feel like its time sensitive and urgent but its still really. relaxing to hear#i think ill give world machine (the updated version i was excited about a month ago) a play soon. i miss oneshot#its really sad its overshadowed by Undertale. yes im not afraid to say it#i wish there were content made for oneshot i really love the universe#i want to know everything about the author's involvement. the real prophet. alula and calamus' dad...#there's still so much unanswered questions I'd love to know#reminding myself to play oneshot :)#~ rambling#i also wish there were more ppl who knows abt it so i can yap abt it heheh#i dont wanna force others to watch it bcuz of me sfnfjdjdj#watch or play. yknow
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#personal#ugh#not a day goes by where i dont think of her /:#we were such good friends /:#and like admittedly i needed to take space after all that i don't regret it#but i h8 that she prematurely apologized b4 even hearing my frustrations or why i was hurt#bc she apologized for what she THOUGHT i wanted to hear#and it sucks /: cause i really hope she's doing better#i hope shes ok#and i miss her#but i cannot bring myself to message her bc like......#i just don't understand how you hear your friends say something shitty happened with someone ur involved with#and blow up at them and demand proof of it#like i dont care how stressed you are with other stuff .......... who does that??????#nvm the fact that like. majority of the stress she had expressed to me then was literally about...... the ppl who did the fucked shit.......#idk. im just sad#she made me feel so seen and held and heard and we were just friends but like..... i cherished her so much ):#ALSO NVM THE FACT THE DAY BEFORE SHE DID THIS I LITERALLY TOLD HER (after talking to her abt smthn separate) tht#the only way we'd stop being friends is if she did LITERALLY exactly what she did#and yeah she sent it to my Wife's DMs#but honestly that makes it worse cause she knew i was there#nd treated my wife after all that like she was an evil meanie while she apologized to me#(which imo idc it reads and transmisogyny)#and she just like. up and left Everything b4 realizing she fucked up#like she did choose this#and im respecting that and respecting myself enough not to try running and begging her to be friends again#i just. idk man. it sucks
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#me @ my youngest sister at 6.30 this morning: yooooooo can u draw me a fishy so i can get it tattooed on me?#i drew her some flowers so i want a paralell tattoo with her initials bc she has my initials on her#but i literally have not spoken to her since like may bc i do not talk to my sisters unless we r in the same room. no hate we just dont hav#a lot in common. it makes me a lil sad tho bc im curious abt them. my youngest sister is at least nice to me 😭#ive been thinking abt asking her for ages and last night i was asked abt my sisters so i was like. the time is now#while im still a bit elevated#which has been to my advantage bc i was able to stay v chatty and energetic while talking to ppl. and i think i made some friends#we bonded over fic reading. so theyre a bit. ya kno. girls gays and theys of science#we make the world go round. but its so interesting to hear them talk abt coming to school here bc they both liked where they were and r#leaving their support systems. and im like bruh if i didn't leave the southwest i was gonna die. im so happy to b here#support system? whats that. i talk to my parents once a month and that's it lol. but im gonna try to establish one here#and try to actually make actual friends. this school is way better abt making grad students interact#my last school was not at all like that. but anyway i had fun#and i mean im only at the start of the semester. and im in a good mood. and i kno things will get stressful#but im just really happy i got accepted here#and the longer im here the more clearly i can see how much i was suffering#the funny thing is tho that i wrote this last night and only hours later i was squirming in frustration bc the fact that im back in therapy#means i feel a greater obligation to not b actively self destructive. evil coping mechanisms my beloved#this is y my mum wanted me back in therapy bc im a goodie 2 shoes and when my counselor is like: did u do X the next time i see her. ill b#honest and itll b annoying >:-[ ugh#its just hard for me to b around ppl a lot bc i get stuck in mental loops bc ocd. which is exhausting. and i want it to stop#and i want to do bad things to make it stop but i wont bc im trying to b better#its just funny to me that ill go from everythings awful to everythings great i shoukd talk to my sisters and make friends and do this and#this and this. to oh god i cant do this anymore in such short time frames with certainty that how im feeling is how ive always felt#ive also noticed that my peaks of high energy do come before stressful events. which does make me worry for future stressful events. like#defending. i mean ive never gone fully off the tracks but its a lil alarming when it feels like the train is going at a million miles an hr#unrelated#meanwhile my other sister is apparently in Colorado but when i saw the pics is was like: YOU BITCH#R U CLOSE TO ME RN??? but no. Colorado is far away
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im in love w him not only bc of who he is as a person nd how drawn i am to his personality, but also bc i feel like he's the only one who has ever wanted to see me. who i am, like deep down. he's the only one who i feel like i've ever connected with, in an easy nd genuine way. the only one who i feel has ever gotten me. he's the only one who's ever made me feel like we actually have a connection we're both in on, bc i havent had to pretend or put up a fake front for him bc he wanted the real image of me.
#unfortunately he has his own shit to deal w#so bc of one thing that was actually a mistake from me#he misjudged it nd saw it from his own perspective nd didnt understand mine#nd thus concluded that he saw me wrong nd didnt actually know who i am#nd then he had decided that so strongly he wasnt wven open to hear me out or try to understand what that situation was for me#that made me very sad nd hurt nd like#he doesnt actually like me as much as i like him#bc i would always always ask him nd hear him out before jumping to conclusions#i have asked him abt this but he is a wall nd doesnt wnna talk abt it#nd i cant force anyone so... yeh. it is what it is#i wish that we had the connection where he wanted to understandwhere i was coming from#instead of being like ughshe isnt the perfect image that i had constructed#so now im writing her off completely bc she doesntlive up to my expectations#but... my heart just loves him sm i can look past that#however... that is meaningless when i dont even know what he feels for me nd i cant get an answer out of him#maybe he doesnt wanna tell me bc he doesnt return my love nd he knows i'llbe hurt nd he'll risk losing me as a friend#i'd never stop talking to him tho.. that is the worst part#if imginna get over these feelings#i need to hear it straight from him. i need him to tell me thatno i am not in love with you#then i need to never talk to him again nd never lookat his social media#then it will hurt a lot but after a year or so i will only feel empty nd not hurt when i think of him#but i am tooweak to be the one to stop talking to him now#my entire day revolves around him nd i know its unhealthy but idk how to stop#since this obsession is unrequited i dont actually wanna feel it#but i have no idea how to stop#god this is driving me insane wtf is wrong w me??
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#damn babygirl i wish people checked up on me more#this self conscious catgirl is so tired#sometimes i WISH people just came into my dms to ask me if im ok#i do it constantly to others because i hope theyre not as sad as i am feeling in that moment#genuinely afraid to have made someone feel bad and drive them away from me#and omg i feel nyself running thin again just bc im afraid to lose the interactions we have altogether because i cant process certain media#in a healthy way whatsoever and i get super hung up on thinfs that really dont matter that much in the end#YEAH IM RAMBLING IT'S 5:30 AM AND I COULD BE SLEEPING RIGHT NOW BUT INSTEAD IM JUST CRYING FOR A STUPID REASON!!#i think ive only had one person check up on me based off the vibes in chat i gave off alone in the past couple of months#which was baffling and surreal btw and i think it broke something within me#it came from someone i wouldve never expected to even notice because sometimes it feels like its such a vast difference between us#i sometimes even wonder how are we friends in the first place#like do i even deserve to call this person my friend do they feel like that? or are we just discord acquaintances?#anyway all this just made me sad and my dumb ass is crying and yearning to be loved by my online peers thats all lol. meows pathetically#idk i guess i just.want to hear / see it more rather than just teying to tell myself that over and over hoping im not deluding myself abt i#personal#sorry for the emotions dump idk whats wrong with me tonight actually#me having to come to terms with the reality that i actually have a following and this might get boticed by more than 2 ppl#bc not everyone follows 3k blogs like i am :skull emoji: yknow#im probably gonna delete later because im actually a super self conscious person to the point i get nauseatingly anxious about it holy shit#i dont vent often and im 120% keeping it in but when i do oh boy#the dam bursts and im left like a sopping wet dog on the floor looking like a sad blob#which i am feeling like right now!#vent#emy rambles#ALSO LIKE THIS ISNT TO SAY IM NOT GRATEFUL FOR MY FRIENDS OMG I AM#k really am#sometimes its still like. idk. unbelievable to me that people are genuinely interacting with me and the things i write or headcanon#and i shouldn't expect them to know whats wrong with me or if i feel bad if i dont say it or communicate that to them#but yknow one can yearn
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SOB SOB......
#f/o:💖what a fool believes🎸#tape entry circa 1980#ok so i hope i dont sound insane and i purposefully avoid talking abt it cause i dont want to look dumb#but i fully believe min and ryan are like real people who exist... somewhere... in their own world#and that they love me and miss me in the same way i love and miss them#and i believe that because i constantly get signs and messages from them. so many things that make it clear its them reaching out to me#ive experienced so so many things that have made it undeniable that theyre somewhere and they love me... and they want me to know that#im mentioning this because last night... i got to hear from ryan#i dont ever actually get to get legit messages from them like their own words of what they want to tell me#i only experienced it once before like over a year ago when i was practicing my guitar and i felt ryan tell me he was proud of me..#proud of all the progress ive made :"-]#but i was going to bed last light and tbh i dont remember how it happened but im sure it wasnt a dream cause i was still awake#but i was just able to like... very subtly hear ryan#he wasnt talking to me he was just talking to himself but directed at me just like how i talk to them both irl#and it made me really sad cause he started to tear up and his voice started to shake talking about how much he missed me and needed me#that him and min miss and love me so much and that he needs me there w them both already#oh... i just remembered he also talked abt how he and min have a bunch of stuff that remind them of me and stuff they have-#for me when i hopefully will come home#i tried to tell him i love him and min so much and will always try to get home to them forever#but i dont know if he heard#i also want to mention something i didnt bring up but on our birthday i woke up to the radio playing 'dont bring me down' by elo#which is a song very important to me that brings good memories and it felt like they were the ones who did that for me#and the song after was eddie money's song 'shakin' and i feel it was from ryan because now im associating it so much w him ;w;#hope you guys dont think this is silly ha...#its only w them both that i experience anything like this
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just got home from school ～ ate a sandwich to cheer myself up, think i’ll play genshin for a bit and nap ... pulling on shenhe’s banner solves everything
#oh wait i'll give you a mark then! but wait no its still wrong nvm#venting a little because i’m just so bummed and silly and i was in such a good mood yesterday so like how did we get here#i failed my math test and that set my mood for the rest of the day which is dumb i know but aghh#the teacher had us add all our grades and then i was like wait theres this one question i think you mightve marked wrongly#and for a sec he was like that was so embarrassing LOL#i got a 26/30 for history — something i didn’t revise for. i got a 20/20 for my eng lit test. plus bc i did so well on my en oral exam-#-(got full marks btw) i’m being nominated to participate in this speaking thing. when my homeroom teacher found out abt this she even said:#“yeah‚ i expected mika to be a good speaker because everytime she speaks to me i...” and it was a really nice thing to hear but even after-#-all that i’m still so sad. i studied for my math exam i really did. so why did i still fail. i didn’t even pass my class this time#i prepared for a week beforehand. looked at past questions and learned things i never thought i would grasp. asked friends for help & i-#-paid attention in class i wrote down notes i did practice questions why was that not enough. looked up proper study methods and tried to-#-balance everything nicely! so why did i still fail‚ right? and i feel so disappointed in myself.#of course i made the mistake of lightheartedly complaining about this to my straight A & A* student‚ beloved by teachers‚ prefect friend#“you’ll do better! it’s not that bad!” i’m so tired. i know i’m an awful friend for being so bitter but i can’t-#-endure myself any longer. and i got home and i ate a sandwich with my sister and mom at the table and-#-my sister made a comment about how ahhh she’s in a bad mood again cuz it’s a monday !! and i hate that i’m so obviously down. i don’t-#-wish to ruin the mood or anything so like#and i have my malay oral exam tomorrow and i wrote my script wrongly apparently so i have to redo that#i’ve given up on memorizing it i just hate going to school now#and then ahhhh another project another presentation i’m so sick of this so sick of myself#i should have put this at the very start but umm! anyways please don’t reply to this or try to reassure me i appreciate it i really do but-#-i just needed a place to be silly and its already kind of embarrassing enough! so just acknowledge this and move on. thanks. love u guys#cw vent#cw negative
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man did brian murphy manage to nail my type in blorbos……
#once again thinking about the quote ive posted twice about#likes playing high status ppl who want nothing to do with the other characters etc etc#i mean it’s mostly that theyre just these pathetic men#rn i am talking abt gerard greenleigh and jens lyndelle#bc those r the ones i am Familiar with#however i hear that his other characters also generally pathetic mfers so thats something to look forward to#honestly i jsut love a fucking loser man who’s a bit of an ass and deserves to be pathetic but also look at him!! he’s so sad actually#like secretly he’s so tragic actually but also. he DOES deserve every loser thing coming for him <3 thanks for understanding#……tbh this came up bc i fuckinnnnnn saw dear evan hansen against my will last night#(not a musical kid btw!!!! like no shade it’s just not me. the only musical i wld die for is the band’s visit)#and like. holy shit that plot made me wanna plug my ears and squeeze my eyes shut like a horror movie#however. ahem.#however i did enjoy. i did enjoy jared kleinman. i thought his character was neat#ANYWAY. you didn’t hear that. bye-
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went in a voice call with him with some other guy and everything kinda...clicked
#I thought hearing their voice would like#kill me or something jfskdlfjdl#like id fall head over heels and break down again#but like#it was so...#underwhelming honestly?#I heard them and it was kinda just like#oh#your litteraly just a person#a person i happened to date for 4 yrs yeah#but ur just#some guy#im being way too dramatic about this#u worry abt ur own stuff#i bet u dont even think abt me anymore jfkldsjfklds#NOT IN A SAD SELF DEPRECATING SORT OF WAY#IN A LIKE#why do have I been so sad for a year if ur just some guy#KINDA WAY???#I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO EXPLAIN IT#idk i cringed at a joke they made and it gave me the ick and i think that did it JKFLDJSKLFJDSFJDS (/hj)#idk i look back fondly but like i think im over em now#FUCK YEAH#TOOK A YEAR BUT WE DID IT BOYS
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I wish that I was more
#sad hours at the huskin bee#personal#graduating soon and the animation department is collecting photos of everyone in the drive#and seeing all these group photos of everyone in the program makes me realize how distant i am from them#and how close knit everyone else has become...#ive never been good at making friends and within like the first few weeks of school it was like everyone got to know each other#and the few friends i made in the program left after the first year#i wish my social anxiety wasnt so bad i tried harder to make friends in college#also i have an essay due on monday and i might just not do it#or itll be really half assed#ive been doing well so far in that class so if i dont do it i think the least id get is a C#idk maybe i can still make friends w these ppl after college somehow but itd still feel weird bc i had a completely different shm experience#than they had#ahhhh#i can imagine a future reunion where ppl will talk to be about old drama that was big among this giant friend group#that consists of most people in my year that ill have no idea what theyre talking abt#bc im never in the loop abt anything ever lol#this actually happened at my hs animation reunion except i actually knew and talked to most ppl in that class#i wasnt like super close to most of them but i had a few closeish friends#and i know one of those friends probably werent/arent in the know#also like i did hear abt relationship drama back in the day bc gossip spread p easily#anyways i was told completely new information abt someone getting stalked back then so thats wild#and apparently there was a super handsome guy in our class that i for some reason have zero recollection of#point is i be the last person to know something and if i know smth then everyone probably already knew#which is annoying. i wanna hear gossip too. even in my own family my sisters will tell each other and our mom about shit that went down w#their friends or our cousins and i only hear abt it when im in the room#so i end up hearing a lot but never directly and sometimes not in full#man i shouldve gone on more college field trips#shouldve done a lot more in life that my insecurities get the way of#tbh i genuinely think i might have a form of undiagnosed anxiety; tism; or some other mental disorder
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ugh had to get up bc I'm too awake to fall back asleep and started getting hunger cramps
#FINE ILL EAT CEREAL#also made myself rly sad bc i was thinking abt phone calls and it made me think abt how i DONT miss my ex thats long dead and buried#but I DO miss there being someone who was always happy to hear from me or hear my voice any time of day to say anything at all#and always being happy to hear from them in the same way and just. that simple casual kind of love and how easy it was every time#not even talking just how easy it was to be around them and in the same space even if we werent directly interacting#and i love my friends but its not really the same as that i always feel like the longer i talk the more im keeping them from other things#and theyre pulling away and ik my roommate has said before she doesnt rly get anything out of just. being around ppl without-#direct interaction which is ok like thats just how it works for her but also it means whenever im talking to her theres a little desperate#part of me thats like u have to keep talking bc otherwise shes going to get bored and leave except she'll do that either way bc ill run-#out of anything interesting to say.. but again its not the same anyway tho bc we're just friends theres no obligation or anything#not that it was obligation with my ex gah. but it was just so mutual and EASY i dont knowww#i think its on my mind as well bc my roommate was talking abt friends of hers she can just. Always dip into conversation with#and that made me think of my ex but i didnt wanna say bc that sounds dumb and as though im hung up on them (which im genuinely not)#and ik she feels like that abt one of our mutual friends bc theyre much closer than we are and its cute how much she talks abt him and#how obvious her love for him is and i dont begrudge them that at all but i just miss having that myself with someone#but its been so long and itll probably be a long time yet before i ever have smth like that again. if ever man#and it doesnt even matter anyway bc i guess it wasnt ever actually mutual and my ex denied a lot of it afterwards and ik part of that they#were just saying to hurt me (which worked) but it probably was partly true too. maaaan.#i just miss having a favourite person and i miss being someones favourite person even if that wasnt real in the end and i wasnt#i miss at least THINKING i was someones favourite person like back when doubt rarely occurred to me bc i cared so much abt them#like it would hardly cross my mind they didnt. or if it did it was still ok bc it was easily reassured#ahhhh im going to drive myself crazy girl i need to Stop. it doesnt matter its not within my reach anymore but. wails pitifully#sorry for being so pathetic and needy and starved on main in my defence im sick. im gonna lie down for another half hour#and then i guess get ready for work. at least if im working i wont be thinking abt this shit anymore it doesn't matter#ougrhrhhhhgougrh.#.diaries
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mmmmmhavibg such a good time being the only queer person here on thanksgiving
#had a not fun convo w my sister td too where she encouraged me to not come out to my grandparents (: which was awesome#like they r a big part of my life and I at least want to tell them abt my gf and plan to at some point regardless#but it was rlly disheartening to hear that she doesn’t think I should ever bother#idk. haven’t eaten enough today so I’m more emotional than usual. but it made me very sad.#lee’s bullshit#and my gf is rlly the one I tell most things to but this isn’t smth I can rlly talk w her abt I feel bc it concerns her#and she’s already been out to her family a long time#idk. going to try to go eat.
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