#like hearing abt this made me so sad.
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i feel like im too young to be the cool auncle but like i hope to be soon bc from overhearing how my sister is doing with my nephew i feel like i need to take him out for a day to get some food and go to a park or smthn
#cliffnotes/.txt#yet i have no car or job atm#but thats not important#like i get shes a single mother but also...you've been sending him to stay over at your bf's????#girl this man has been in my baby's life for like a year at most dont do that#like i cant watch him full time but i would if needed and also hes been acting out in school#probably bc he misses her!#hes been an only child and stuck to her constsntly until my youngest nephew was born#and ur having him somewhere else??????#girl hes heartbroken!#now im like let me see my little buddy right now i need to give him a hug and he loves hugs i'll hug him for as long as he wants#like hearing abt this made me so sad.#truly was abt to cry and i still am while typing these tags#cause i get it too#im on ok terms w/ my mother now but i remember being booted from getting attention bc of my brother being born#he shouldnt have to feel unwanted like that!
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bestie can u please for the love of all that is holy work a miracle and gif auston's stick twirl and wink from the end of the caps game
sportsnet sadly caught on to my use of an american credit card so i can no longer clip from the canadian broadcast sometimes...... if you find a clip of it somewhere that can be played back/screenrecorded, lmk and i'd love to do that for you 😭
#easks#i watched the tnt broadcast tonight bc it was rhe only choice and seeing#all my twit oomfs talk abt the 1634 quotes that i didnt get to hear or clip... made me so upset HDJDJDHDJ#like i am compiling them for a future vid i may or may never make but i neeeeed#if someone has a sportsnet+ acct and wants to let me log in LOL but otherwise i missed out on the canadian stuff tn#n im sad abt it big time... just wanna use my vpn to pretend im canadian and clip some hockey#please for the love of god
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#personal#ugh#not a day goes by where i dont think of her /:#we were such good friends /:#and like admittedly i needed to take space after all that i don't regret it#but i h8 that she prematurely apologized b4 even hearing my frustrations or why i was hurt#bc she apologized for what she THOUGHT i wanted to hear#and it sucks /: cause i really hope she's doing better#i hope shes ok#and i miss her#but i cannot bring myself to message her bc like......#i just don't understand how you hear your friends say something shitty happened with someone ur involved with#and blow up at them and demand proof of it#like i dont care how stressed you are with other stuff .......... who does that??????#nvm the fact that like. majority of the stress she had expressed to me then was literally about...... the ppl who did the fucked shit.......#idk. im just sad#she made me feel so seen and held and heard and we were just friends but like..... i cherished her so much ):#ALSO NVM THE FACT THE DAY BEFORE SHE DID THIS I LITERALLY TOLD HER (after talking to her abt smthn separate) tht#the only way we'd stop being friends is if she did LITERALLY exactly what she did#and yeah she sent it to my Wife's DMs#but honestly that makes it worse cause she knew i was there#nd treated my wife after all that like she was an evil meanie while she apologized to me#(which imo idc it reads and transmisogyny)#and she just like. up and left Everything b4 realizing she fucked up#like she did choose this#and im respecting that and respecting myself enough not to try running and begging her to be friends again#i just. idk man. it sucks
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#me @ my youngest sister at 6.30 this morning: yooooooo can u draw me a fishy so i can get it tattooed on me?#i drew her some flowers so i want a paralell tattoo with her initials bc she has my initials on her#but i literally have not spoken to her since like may bc i do not talk to my sisters unless we r in the same room. no hate we just dont hav#a lot in common. it makes me a lil sad tho bc im curious abt them. my youngest sister is at least nice to me 😭#ive been thinking abt asking her for ages and last night i was asked abt my sisters so i was like. the time is now#while im still a bit elevated#which has been to my advantage bc i was able to stay v chatty and energetic while talking to ppl. and i think i made some friends#we bonded over fic reading. so theyre a bit. ya kno. girls gays and theys of science#we make the world go round. but its so interesting to hear them talk abt coming to school here bc they both liked where they were and r#leaving their support systems. and im like bruh if i didn't leave the southwest i was gonna die. im so happy to b here#support system? whats that. i talk to my parents once a month and that's it lol. but im gonna try to establish one here#and try to actually make actual friends. this school is way better abt making grad students interact#my last school was not at all like that. but anyway i had fun#and i mean im only at the start of the semester. and im in a good mood. and i kno things will get stressful#but im just really happy i got accepted here#and the longer im here the more clearly i can see how much i was suffering#the funny thing is tho that i wrote this last night and only hours later i was squirming in frustration bc the fact that im back in therapy#means i feel a greater obligation to not b actively self destructive. evil coping mechanisms my beloved#this is y my mum wanted me back in therapy bc im a goodie 2 shoes and when my counselor is like: did u do X the next time i see her. ill b#honest and itll b annoying >:-[ ugh#its just hard for me to b around ppl a lot bc i get stuck in mental loops bc ocd. which is exhausting. and i want it to stop#and i want to do bad things to make it stop but i wont bc im trying to b better#its just funny to me that ill go from everythings awful to everythings great i shoukd talk to my sisters and make friends and do this and#this and this. to oh god i cant do this anymore in such short time frames with certainty that how im feeling is how ive always felt#ive also noticed that my peaks of high energy do come before stressful events. which does make me worry for future stressful events. like#defending. i mean ive never gone fully off the tracks but its a lil alarming when it feels like the train is going at a million miles an hr#unrelated#meanwhile my other sister is apparently in Colorado but when i saw the pics is was like: YOU BITCH#R U CLOSE TO ME RN??? but no. Colorado is far away
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im in love w him not only bc of who he is as a person nd how drawn i am to his personality, but also bc i feel like he's the only one who has ever wanted to see me. who i am, like deep down. he's the only one who i feel like i've ever connected with, in an easy nd genuine way. the only one who i feel has ever gotten me. he's the only one who's ever made me feel like we actually have a connection we're both in on, bc i havent had to pretend or put up a fake front for him bc he wanted the real image of me.
#unfortunately he has his own shit to deal w#so bc of one thing that was actually a mistake from me#he misjudged it nd saw it from his own perspective nd didnt understand mine#nd thus concluded that he saw me wrong nd didnt actually know who i am#nd then he had decided that so strongly he wasnt wven open to hear me out or try to understand what that situation was for me#that made me very sad nd hurt nd like#he doesnt actually like me as much as i like him#bc i would always always ask him nd hear him out before jumping to conclusions#i have asked him abt this but he is a wall nd doesnt wnna talk abt it#nd i cant force anyone so... yeh. it is what it is#i wish that we had the connection where he wanted to understandwhere i was coming from#instead of being like ughshe isnt the perfect image that i had constructed#so now im writing her off completely bc she doesntlive up to my expectations#but... my heart just loves him sm i can look past that#however... that is meaningless when i dont even know what he feels for me nd i cant get an answer out of him#maybe he doesnt wanna tell me bc he doesnt return my love nd he knows i'llbe hurt nd he'll risk losing me as a friend#i'd never stop talking to him tho.. that is the worst part#if imginna get over these feelings#i need to hear it straight from him. i need him to tell me thatno i am not in love with you#then i need to never talk to him again nd never lookat his social media#then it will hurt a lot but after a year or so i will only feel empty nd not hurt when i think of him#but i am tooweak to be the one to stop talking to him now#my entire day revolves around him nd i know its unhealthy but idk how to stop#since this obsession is unrequited i dont actually wanna feel it#but i have no idea how to stop#god this is driving me insane wtf is wrong w me??
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#damn babygirl i wish people checked up on me more#this self conscious catgirl is so tired#sometimes i WISH people just came into my dms to ask me if im ok#i do it constantly to others because i hope theyre not as sad as i am feeling in that moment#genuinely afraid to have made someone feel bad and drive them away from me#and omg i feel nyself running thin again just bc im afraid to lose the interactions we have altogether because i cant process certain media#in a healthy way whatsoever and i get super hung up on thinfs that really dont matter that much in the end#YEAH IM RAMBLING IT'S 5:30 AM AND I COULD BE SLEEPING RIGHT NOW BUT INSTEAD IM JUST CRYING FOR A STUPID REASON!!#i think ive only had one person check up on me based off the vibes in chat i gave off alone in the past couple of months#which was baffling and surreal btw and i think it broke something within me#it came from someone i wouldve never expected to even notice because sometimes it feels like its such a vast difference between us#i sometimes even wonder how are we friends in the first place#like do i even deserve to call this person my friend do they feel like that? or are we just discord acquaintances?#anyway all this just made me sad and my dumb ass is crying and yearning to be loved by my online peers thats all lol. meows pathetically#idk i guess i just.want to hear / see it more rather than just teying to tell myself that over and over hoping im not deluding myself abt i#personal#sorry for the emotions dump idk whats wrong with me tonight actually#me having to come to terms with the reality that i actually have a following and this might get boticed by more than 2 ppl#bc not everyone follows 3k blogs like i am :skull emoji: yknow#im probably gonna delete later because im actually a super self conscious person to the point i get nauseatingly anxious about it holy shit#i dont vent often and im 120% keeping it in but when i do oh boy#the dam bursts and im left like a sopping wet dog on the floor looking like a sad blob#which i am feeling like right now!#vent#emy rambles#ALSO LIKE THIS ISNT TO SAY IM NOT GRATEFUL FOR MY FRIENDS OMG I AM#k really am#sometimes its still like. idk. unbelievable to me that people are genuinely interacting with me and the things i write or headcanon#and i shouldn't expect them to know whats wrong with me or if i feel bad if i dont say it or communicate that to them#but yknow one can yearn
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SOB SOB......
#f/o:💖what a fool believes🎸#tape entry circa 1980#ok so i hope i dont sound insane and i purposefully avoid talking abt it cause i dont want to look dumb#but i fully believe min and ryan are like real people who exist... somewhere... in their own world#and that they love me and miss me in the same way i love and miss them#and i believe that because i constantly get signs and messages from them. so many things that make it clear its them reaching out to me#ive experienced so so many things that have made it undeniable that theyre somewhere and they love me... and they want me to know that#im mentioning this because last night... i got to hear from ryan#i dont ever actually get to get legit messages from them like their own words of what they want to tell me#i only experienced it once before like over a year ago when i was practicing my guitar and i felt ryan tell me he was proud of me..#proud of all the progress ive made :"-]#but i was going to bed last light and tbh i dont remember how it happened but im sure it wasnt a dream cause i was still awake#but i was just able to like... very subtly hear ryan#he wasnt talking to me he was just talking to himself but directed at me just like how i talk to them both irl#and it made me really sad cause he started to tear up and his voice started to shake talking about how much he missed me and needed me#that him and min miss and love me so much and that he needs me there w them both already#oh... i just remembered he also talked abt how he and min have a bunch of stuff that remind them of me and stuff they have-#for me when i hopefully will come home#i tried to tell him i love him and min so much and will always try to get home to them forever#but i dont know if he heard#i also want to mention something i didnt bring up but on our birthday i woke up to the radio playing 'dont bring me down' by elo#which is a song very important to me that brings good memories and it felt like they were the ones who did that for me#and the song after was eddie money's song 'shakin' and i feel it was from ryan because now im associating it so much w him ;w;#hope you guys dont think this is silly ha...#its only w them both that i experience anything like this
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I’m on the last 10 episodes and everything is making me cry lol
#people tried to warn me that campaign 1 got emotionally devastating#I did not take them seriously enough#critical role#campaign 1#like yeah a few things have made me cry like#Percy's and Scanan's resurrection rituals ughhhh#and Pike talking abt how she would talk to Scanlan on the earring even though he couldn't hear her#and a couple of conversations between the twins as well#but I just have to keep pausing bc the impending loss of Vax is just SO painful like#I feel like everyone is putting in extra work to keep it together and stay focused on their goals but they like#can't not think about it or address it#and they've all been apart for a YEAR before this#I mean they still saw each other a few times and Vex and Tary and Percy were together for most of it#and Keyleth and Vax ofc#but like.......... kdfjgkdjgkdjg I'm just so sad
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just got home from school ～ ate a sandwich to cheer myself up, think i’ll play genshin for a bit and nap ... pulling on shenhe’s banner solves everything
#oh wait i'll give you a mark then! but wait no its still wrong nvm#venting a little because i’m just so bummed and silly and i was in such a good mood yesterday so like how did we get here#i failed my math test and that set my mood for the rest of the day which is dumb i know but aghh#the teacher had us add all our grades and then i was like wait theres this one question i think you mightve marked wrongly#and for a sec he was like that was so embarrassing LOL#i got a 26/30 for history — something i didn’t revise for. i got a 20/20 for my eng lit test. plus bc i did so well on my en oral exam-#-(got full marks btw) i’m being nominated to participate in this speaking thing. when my homeroom teacher found out abt this she even said:#“yeah‚ i expected mika to be a good speaker because everytime she speaks to me i...” and it was a really nice thing to hear but even after-#-all that i’m still so sad. i studied for my math exam i really did. so why did i still fail. i didn’t even pass my class this time#i prepared for a week beforehand. looked at past questions and learned things i never thought i would grasp. asked friends for help & i-#-paid attention in class i wrote down notes i did practice questions why was that not enough. looked up proper study methods and tried to-#-balance everything nicely! so why did i still fail‚ right? and i feel so disappointed in myself.#of course i made the mistake of lightheartedly complaining about this to my straight A & A* student‚ beloved by teachers‚ prefect friend#“you’ll do better! it’s not that bad!” i’m so tired. i know i’m an awful friend for being so bitter but i can’t-#-endure myself any longer. and i got home and i ate a sandwich with my sister and mom at the table and-#-my sister made a comment about how ahhh she’s in a bad mood again cuz it’s a monday !! and i hate that i’m so obviously down. i don’t-#-wish to ruin the mood or anything so like#and i have my malay oral exam tomorrow and i wrote my script wrongly apparently so i have to redo that#i’ve given up on memorizing it i just hate going to school now#and then ahhhh another project another presentation i’m so sick of this so sick of myself#i should have put this at the very start but umm! anyways please don’t reply to this or try to reassure me i appreciate it i really do but-#-i just needed a place to be silly and its already kind of embarrassing enough! so just acknowledge this and move on. thanks. love u guys#cw vent#cw negative
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man did brian murphy manage to nail my type in blorbos……
#once again thinking about the quote ive posted twice about#likes playing high status ppl who want nothing to do with the other characters etc etc#i mean it’s mostly that theyre just these pathetic men#rn i am talking abt gerard greenleigh and jens lyndelle#bc those r the ones i am Familiar with#however i hear that his other characters also generally pathetic mfers so thats something to look forward to#honestly i jsut love a fucking loser man who’s a bit of an ass and deserves to be pathetic but also look at him!! he’s so sad actually#like secretly he’s so tragic actually but also. he DOES deserve every loser thing coming for him <3 thanks for understanding#……tbh this came up bc i fuckinnnnnn saw dear evan hansen against my will last night#(not a musical kid btw!!!! like no shade it’s just not me. the only musical i wld die for is the band’s visit)#and like. holy shit that plot made me wanna plug my ears and squeeze my eyes shut like a horror movie#however. ahem.#however i did enjoy. i did enjoy jared kleinman. i thought his character was neat#ANYWAY. you didn’t hear that. bye-
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#hearing abt the death of someone like a.carter feels so abstract#it rmbr him as a child (in that from when we were both kids)#and that’s the him that remained frozen in my mind#that happy-go-lucky kid#so it just made me really sad reading about what happened#and yeah like i said - abstract too
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went in a voice call with him with some other guy and everything kinda...clicked
#I thought hearing their voice would like#kill me or something jfskdlfjdl#like id fall head over heels and break down again#but like#it was so...#underwhelming honestly?#I heard them and it was kinda just like#oh#your litteraly just a person#a person i happened to date for 4 yrs yeah#but ur just#some guy#im being way too dramatic about this#u worry abt ur own stuff#i bet u dont even think abt me anymore jfkldsjfklds#NOT IN A SAD SELF DEPRECATING SORT OF WAY#IN A LIKE#why do have I been so sad for a year if ur just some guy#KINDA WAY???#I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO EXPLAIN IT#idk i cringed at a joke they made and it gave me the ick and i think that did it JKFLDJSKLFJDSFJDS (/hj)#idk i look back fondly but like i think im over em now#FUCK YEAH#TOOK A YEAR BUT WE DID IT BOYS
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I wish that I was more
#sad hours at the huskin bee#personal#graduating soon and the animation department is collecting photos of everyone in the drive#and seeing all these group photos of everyone in the program makes me realize how distant i am from them#and how close knit everyone else has become...#ive never been good at making friends and within like the first few weeks of school it was like everyone got to know each other#and the few friends i made in the program left after the first year#i wish my social anxiety wasnt so bad i tried harder to make friends in college#also i have an essay due on monday and i might just not do it#or itll be really half assed#ive been doing well so far in that class so if i dont do it i think the least id get is a C#idk maybe i can still make friends w these ppl after college somehow but itd still feel weird bc i had a completely different shm experience#than they had#ahhhh#i can imagine a future reunion where ppl will talk to be about old drama that was big among this giant friend group#that consists of most people in my year that ill have no idea what theyre talking abt#bc im never in the loop abt anything ever lol#this actually happened at my hs animation reunion except i actually knew and talked to most ppl in that class#i wasnt like super close to most of them but i had a few closeish friends#and i know one of those friends probably werent/arent in the know#also like i did hear abt relationship drama back in the day bc gossip spread p easily#anyways i was told completely new information abt someone getting stalked back then so thats wild#and apparently there was a super handsome guy in our class that i for some reason have zero recollection of#point is i be the last person to know something and if i know smth then everyone probably already knew#which is annoying. i wanna hear gossip too. even in my own family my sisters will tell each other and our mom about shit that went down w#their friends or our cousins and i only hear abt it when im in the room#so i end up hearing a lot but never directly and sometimes not in full#man i shouldve gone on more college field trips#shouldve done a lot more in life that my insecurities get the way of#tbh i genuinely think i might have a form of undiagnosed anxiety; tism; or some other mental disorder
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ugh had to get up bc I'm too awake to fall back asleep and started getting hunger cramps
#FINE ILL EAT CEREAL#also made myself rly sad bc i was thinking abt phone calls and it made me think abt how i DONT miss my ex thats long dead and buried#but I DO miss there being someone who was always happy to hear from me or hear my voice any time of day to say anything at all#and always being happy to hear from them in the same way and just. that simple casual kind of love and how easy it was every time#not even talking just how easy it was to be around them and in the same space even if we werent directly interacting#and i love my friends but its not really the same as that i always feel like the longer i talk the more im keeping them from other things#and theyre pulling away and ik my roommate has said before she doesnt rly get anything out of just. being around ppl without-#direct interaction which is ok like thats just how it works for her but also it means whenever im talking to her theres a little desperate#part of me thats like u have to keep talking bc otherwise shes going to get bored and leave except she'll do that either way bc ill run-#out of anything interesting to say.. but again its not the same anyway tho bc we're just friends theres no obligation or anything#not that it was obligation with my ex gah. but it was just so mutual and EASY i dont knowww#i think its on my mind as well bc my roommate was talking abt friends of hers she can just. Always dip into conversation with#and that made me think of my ex but i didnt wanna say bc that sounds dumb and as though im hung up on them (which im genuinely not)#and ik she feels like that abt one of our mutual friends bc theyre much closer than we are and its cute how much she talks abt him and#how obvious her love for him is and i dont begrudge them that at all but i just miss having that myself with someone#but its been so long and itll probably be a long time yet before i ever have smth like that again. if ever man#and it doesnt even matter anyway bc i guess it wasnt ever actually mutual and my ex denied a lot of it afterwards and ik part of that they#were just saying to hurt me (which worked) but it probably was partly true too. maaaan.#i just miss having a favourite person and i miss being someones favourite person even if that wasnt real in the end and i wasnt#i miss at least THINKING i was someones favourite person like back when doubt rarely occurred to me bc i cared so much abt them#like it would hardly cross my mind they didnt. or if it did it was still ok bc it was easily reassured#ahhhh im going to drive myself crazy girl i need to Stop. it doesnt matter its not within my reach anymore but. wails pitifully#sorry for being so pathetic and needy and starved on main in my defence im sick. im gonna lie down for another half hour#and then i guess get ready for work. at least if im working i wont be thinking abt this shit anymore it doesn't matter#ougrhrhhhhgougrh.#.diaries
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#there should be a word for when youre talking around the tightness of tears#speaking against something that hurts#laughing specifically to undermine the seriousness of the statements youre voicing#the worst of both worlds. help me help me hahaha im not even joking hahaha but listen to the lies in my tone. dont focus on the words.#i want plausible deniability. but also i want u to understand my pain and give it a voice. speak it into existence because i cant say it#but if u do i might cry. that sounds hard that sounds like a lot. i kno i know. shut up. keep talking. do u think i dont feel it? i do#but if i split myself in two i can watch myself and suddenly it becomes funny. im not sure why. but i have a bad habbit of laughting at#inappropriate moments. because if its not funny then its just sad and what am i supposed to do with that?#i dunno. thats all to say my dad called bc i was looking at housing stuff and i was explaining some of the stuff im doing rn#and thats hard to talk abt without crying bc ive always been a cry bby but i didnt. and i love my parents theyre great#but they dont understand bc i havent told them all of it bc theres nothing they can do so y make them worry. and idk i also think they#think im less competent than i am. and part of that is just bc im their kid. part of that is bc there r things thst most ppl can do but i#struggle with. but its also not fun to hear: oh yeah i was surprised by how professional u sounded. or i think ur mom found u those#connections. when no. i did that. i made those things happen. i promise i can do things sometimes. but sometimes i cant. i dunno its just#it is what it is. whatever. decisions to b made. do i room with roommates for lower rent#or do i take an expensive place for a year for a single room? i dont want roommates but ill take them#i mean all the single places r like 950 at the very lowest without any utilities or anything but most r well over 1000 and like on a grad#student salary? i think not. not without losing money on net. i can deal with roommates. i have in the past. i wont b able to relax ever#but its fine. ya kno#just annoying. hah my dads sage advice was ah dont let it overwhelm u. go exercise. bc hes an endurance runner guy#and im like bro when i get home i have 1.5 hrs of daylight. but alas hes right. i do gotta run out my angers and its not enough#ugh. one more week. itll work out. and eventually ill walk into a counselors office like bro i just want u to tell me whether or not i have#0cd bc whatever the fuck it is that makes me do these things is absolutely destroying me. name the beast 0cd or 0cpd. tell me what box#i fit into. not that it matters but i feel like i cant complain until someone else rubber stamps me. actually then ill probably just obsess#abt how. actually. theyre wrong. ay fun times#i gotta shake shake shake my sillies out. and wiggle my waggles away. bc i never could let my kids songs go haha#unrelated
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elliots death will always be upsetting to me but it will never match the actual sobbing i did when break died
#it was wild that first time#elliots death still makes me upset whenever i read it like tears and all#but breaks death like made me sob for HOURSSS bro i was so upset like#full on grieving#but if i read it now its like normal levels of upset#ill cry bc its sad but im pretty sure i cry more when reading elliots death than vreaks now#like i remember being sooo upset and then the second i read that part where break is like#i dont want to die?? i remember i like started crying so hard man#idk why that hit me so hard lmao i was like fuck dude i too want to be alive#i think it was that realization that fuck theres so much i want to do? im not ready to die?#like its so unfair#and its just the juxtaposition between break constantly talking abt how his body is gonna give out one die like THE ENTIRE MANGA#and then the moment it happens hes like wait im not ok with this at all actually#elliots death is so fucked up tho like peak tragedy#and then to have the only witness to his death and the person who hears his last words#is vincent fucking nighteay like god damn cant even have the dignity of being a badass in front of people who could appreciate it#'humpty dumpty i deny all of you' panel is sooo#oh my god#peak composition#michi tag
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