#like both of our therapists are supporting us i can’t believe it i’m so happy 🥺🥺🩵🩵

[1004tyun-archive]

my love 🥺🥺🩷 i hope you’re feeling well despite the wi-fi issues!! >< hopefully those get solved soon…

while you woke up i was actually in the middle of looking for these concept pics of tyunning because they’re some of my favorites 😭 and i needed to add some ice cream because i’ve bought so many 😭

now is the countdown of what we got… we got chocolate vanilla, chocolate gelato, frozen themed ice cream, SPONGEBOB ICE CREAM???? it looks so cute 😭 i haven’t had the chance to eat it yet but it looks so cute if i have it i’ll take a pic for you mommy 🥺🩷 and SO many ben and jerry’s flavors 😭 we got all of the ones we found at the store (no milk and cookies in sight… 😔)

while waiting i also found they had some cookie cake and i took a picture that i’ll send you in dms~ it looks like something you’d like hence why i took the pic but i wasn’t sure it was wise to buy it with the amount of ice cream we got so i decided not to get it but at least keep the memory of it because it reminded me of you 🥺🥺🩷 there was also banana cake and pumpkin spice cake??

anyway hehe~ that’s all for the groceries 👉👈🩷 going to my appointment and having my therapist be so supportive like yours is really made me feel so happy so early in the day and i’m just so relieved and glad 🥹🥹🩷 getting to talk about how it all happened was so fun and i was all happy talking about you although shy as well >\\\< 🩷🩷 i love you so much mommy 🥺🥺🩷 you’re the gem of my life, my sweetie pie 🥺🥺🩷 i missed you lots~ me wants to call mommy soon ;3; 🩷🩷 i hope you have a good day my love 🥹 later in the evening i’ll try to take pics of what i get at the buffet just for you!! 👉👈🩷 i love you my sweet darling~ 🥺🥺🩷

my baby~ 🥺🥺🩵🩵 other than the wifi issues i feel great!! honestly i’m just glad it’s an internet only issue and not a power issue i would’ve hated to wake up to no air conditioning or functioning oven that sounds like a nightmare 😭😭

an update on the internet: the company says it’s an outage that’s been going on for 12 hours now i’m surprised it hasn’t been fixed yet 😭😭 hopefully they’ll get this resolved soon

OMG THESE PICS ARE SO PRETTY 🥺🥺🥺🥺🩵🩵 this is such a pretty moodboard baby i love it 🥺🥺 (it’s almost as pretty as you~)

when you said you got spongebob ice cream i immediately thought of this abomination with the gum ball eyes and melting face 😭

(i remember them tasting pretty good though, like sorbet :o) hopefully yours looks better than this sjshhs

i’d love to know all the ben & jerry’s flavors you got 👀👀 so sad that milk and cookies is still nowhere to be found 😭😭 such is also the case for me finding that tiramisu flavor either it’s hiding from me or maybe it never even existed 😨😨😨

the cookie cake you sent is so cute now that i think about it we definitely have something like that here it’s just funny that for the label they use a completely different kind of cookie when it’s clearly oreo flavored 😭😭 i’d totally devour that though for sure 😩😩 oooh banana cake and pumpkin spice cake?? i’ve never had banana cake but i like making banana bread (it may as well be banana cake with all the flour, eggs, and sugar required to make it djshs) and i’ve made spice cake before too so i’d like to try those someday :0

i’m so relieved that your therapist was so supportive 🥺🥺🥺 that seriously made me so so happy it really made my day 🥹🩵 hehe i’m imaging you getting all shy when talking about me and i want you to know that i also get shy when asked about you even though internally i’m always begging for an excuse to bring you up hehehe 🤭🤭🩵 i always get so happy when i get to talk about you my love 🥺 i love my sweet baby so much~ you’re the light of my life and my shining star i’m always missing you and looking forward to the next time we can talk 🥺🩵🩵 mommy wants to call her baby soon too 🥺🥺🥺🩵🩵 my day has been amazing so far because of you 🥺 i hope yours has been great too~ yesss send pics let me eat vicariously through you hehe :3 i love you so much my little cherry fairy 🥺🩵

[ros3ybabe]

Weekly Check In - November 12th, 2023 🎀

ugh I feel like I’ve been neglecting my blogs, and that’s not what I want to be doing!!!

I have finals coming up so soon, including exams and final papers (looking at you, psychology research paper). Not to mention I’m still working 5 days a week, classes 4 days a week, working out 3-5 days a week on top of all my adulting duties. It’s safe to safe I have been a little stressed lately, no doubt about that. It really got me bad because it was impacting my relationship with my boyfriend and the last thing I want to do is cause unnecessary stress and anxiety for him. I know I let my stress and anxieties get the best of me when I realized I was the one causing 98% of all of our arguments and issues this last few weeks. Luckily I was able to come to the realization that it had been my fault, so him and I talked it through and worked it out and I missed him that I would work both on myself more as well as work with my therapist and develop better coping strategies for times of high stress.

🩷 let’s recap this last week with some highlights! And then I will tal about my goals for the upcoming week!

I had to go talk to my PSYC TA about how far I’d fallen behind in the class and she was able to give me some encouragement and a lot of help and really set me on the path in the right direction, so I definitely have hope that I’ll pass this class with a B at worst, which is still an awesome grade!

I finally made it back to my cooking class and the professor was so kind, he told me it always upset his days when I’d miss class for the week and he asked me if was doing okay and how things were going. I think he’s in his 50s or 60s, and he’s just a very kind man, reminds me of my own dad. Has that typical old man dad humor and his cooking class has actually help me become more comfortable with my own cooking skills as of this semester. Definitely one of my favorite classes, and my classmates were the best too.

I registered for the next semester and I am sooo looking forward to the course load. Well, for the most part anyways. I have to retake Chemistry 2 as well as the lab but luckily the college offers a supplemental type of course to help with the actual class so that’s gonna be awesome. I’m also taking a sports medicine focused medical terminology course online, another once a week food focused course about food production, a psychology of emotion course (super super excited for this class), and I registered for a yoga class for the semester! I feel like having yoga twice a week will definitely help with stress and relaxation and just overall keep me on the right track health wise for the semester! I think I’m taking a total of almost 18 credit hours but other yoga class itself is 2 credits so it’s definitely gonna be an easier semester at least schedule and course load wise.

My work bestie had her baby shower! I can’t believe she’s 8 months pregnant with a little boy, he’s already so lucky to have her and her man as parents. She was absolutely glowing at her baby shower and I’m so happy that I got to go and support her. I’ve known her for going on three years already so it made my day to both be invited and get to see how excited she got when I went.

I bought matcha powder! (Amongst other health stuff, including some new gym gear for my lower body days) I have a mini traditional matcha set so I thought I’d finally use it no bought some matcha powder online! I’m super excited to try my hand at making myself matcha lattes. I even bought a milk frother so I’m a little excited.

I changed up my fitness goals and routine a bit. I’m still going to the gym 3 days a week for weight lifting, but now two of those are lower body days and the other is an upper body day. I’m also going to continue with my two days of cardio but on those two days I am also going to do some at home mat Pilates to help with my overall fitness, appearance, and health goals. I’ve heard that some lower intensity workouts are pretty good for women with PCOS so I thought incorporating that would be a good idea.

I’m Vitamin D deficient and I had no idea! I used to take vitamin D supplements at my old doctors request when I was a teenager but I stopped when I can rot college because I was no longer being advised to take it nor were my blood levels being check regularly so I figured ehh not a big deal but I recently got lab work done and yep, I am semi severely vitamin d deficient. So now I gotta look into different foods I can incorporate as well as a vitamin d supplement and more time in the sun!

I’ve been keeping up a decent skincare routine with a bunch of new products I bought and can I just say, the Anua Heartleaf Oil Cleanser is an absolute god send. I’m obsessed with Asian/Korean skincare. It’s done so much for my skin, I can’t recommend it enough!

overall, not a bad week this last week. this recap is for only (mainly) November 4th through yesterday, November 11th.

🩷 my upcoming goals and things for this week! (November 12th thru 18th)

Keep up with all my homework and turning assignments in completed and on time. I’m trying to finish the semester off strong, or at least as strong as I can. That just means it’s grind time and I gotta buckle down and get my school stuff done.

Insurance. I need to purchase insurance because the state I live in says I make too much to qualify for full coverage insurance which is an issue with the meds I take and the doctors I currently see, as well as my therapist. Adulting, yay!

Complete at least a draft and/or reel for my dietetics mentor by Saturday/next Sunday as the deadline was to have something sent to her by Monday at noon. So my goal is to have some drafts of content for her as soon as possible.

Work out at least three days this week. I’ve been consistent with going every week for the last four weeks but I haven’t been as consistent with how many days within the week that I’ve been going. So that’s definitely a goal of mine.

Look into a Pilates class/studio I can join by the beginning of next semester. I definitely want to take some classes to help with form and proper technique, but I think I want to give myself some time to build more confidence so that way I can give it my all in the future classes I take. Plus, my finances don’t exactly permit me taking Pilates classes at the moment. So my goal is to do some research now and then make a decision by mid January.

My boyfriend and I are hitting a year and a half together this week! Ahh I love him so much, I’m so excited for yet another milestone. Pretty soon we’ll be coming up on two years and I just couldn’t be happier. My man is my best friend, I’m so lucky and grateful that I have him in my life, especially as my partner <3

Attempt to make a matcha latte! My matcha powder comes in this week so I’m gonna try my hand at making my own matcha now!

Keep consistent with my skin care and self care. Also pick up journaling again this week as I think it’ll help me sort out my stressors and anxieties without harming my relationship with my man or my relationship with myself. Self care and working on my own well being benefit me in so many ways, I just need to keep consistent with it.

Restart my Duolingo and Busuu streaks as an attempt to get back into learning the Japanese language! Also begin to pick up Spanish again! Spanish is not too difficult for me to understand as a lot of people I’m around speak the language and I also took classes in high school and some in college. So I think splitting my time between Spanish and Japanese will be good and keep me from being bored and dropping my language studies altogether. I’m going to start with Spanish Duolingo and just go from there with it! once I get more comfortable with the languages I will start making small posts in those languages! Spanish will definitely come easier than Japanese tho, that’s for sure.

that’s all for this upcoming week! It feels like it’s going to be busy but next week is our break for thanksgiving so that’s one week of rest and relaxation and recovery for me. I won’t be spending the holiday with anyone but I don’t mind, it gives me a day to be mindful and grateful and just give me some time to myself that day, and for the whole week. Everyone who knows me in person knows I definitely need the time for myself. I think it’ll be very restorative for sure.

for those of you who follow my side blogs for my fitness, I’ll be posting to it here soon as well! I think I might update you on my current split and routine more in depth then what I mentioned here. And I’m going to drop a review of some of the new skincare products I’ve recently bought and tried as well! I’ll try to do a mid week update this week on this blog too!

til next time, lovelies 🩷🤍

[hollywoodxwhore]

Ours - Epilogue

Synopsis: Presley and Colson fell in love accidentally, but they were meant to be. Now that all the obstacles have been removed, they're moving in together in LA. Now, they have all the time in the world for Colson to teach Presley all of the things he knows. This fic is the sequel to Mine, which can be found in my masterlist!

Warnings/Content: mentions of mental illness (PTSD, anxiety), mentions of therapy, short & sweet with fluff

I can't believe I'm wrapping up the second part of this story. It's wild to me how much y'all loved this and even more wild that I've decided to write a third part! You might be able to guess the title after reading the epilogue. Thank you all so very much for your support!

Colson

Three Months Later 

Presley received a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD.

I should’ve seen it coming. All the signs were there. At least now we have a name for what’s happening, as well as a treatment plan. 

Couples therapy once a week. Individual cognitive behavior therapy twice a week. Medication for panic attacks as needed as well as a daily anxiety pill. I find myself feeling very thankful for our financial situation. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to get help for people who don’t make much money. That’s why there's such a mental health crisis in our country. As mad as it makes me, I’m relieved that I can provide support for my wife.

At our first couples therapy session, we both cried. A lot. Presley admitted that she blames herself for the choice I almost made. She can’t let go of the fact that if Cash hadn’t shown up, I would’ve gone through with it. The therapist told her that if we always live in a world of what-ifs, then we can never live in the present. It’s something we’ve been working on ever since.

We’re closer than ever after what happened. We’re so good at talking things out and taking care of each other. We’re at the point where I can leave the house without Pres if I need to as long as I give her a heads up. It’s not like she’s “healed” yet. Healing is a long process but I’m confident we can get there.

The boys and I are going on tour finally. We delayed it because of everything that happened, but when we finally put tickets on sale, everything sold out fast. Somehow, the whole Megan situation brought us more fans. I’m not complaining. We’ve even added a couple of dates at bigger places and those are almost sold out, too. It’s crazy and surreal and I’m so proud of us.

Presley is going to come on tour with us, and this time, she’ll be around for the whole tour. I loved touring with Pres. I loved coming backstage to find her there, to catch her in my arms. It means so much to look out and see her smiling back at me, singing all my songs. It fills my heart with so much love that I don’t even know what to do with it. 

We leave tomorrow. I’ve been packing all day and Presley is due home any time. She went out for lunch with Olivia. Once a week, she’s encouraged to leave the house without me. She’s been following the plan religiously and doing such a good job, but I do miss her. I can’t wait to see her, to hold her. I can’t wait to have her on tour with me. 

Just as I zip up my suitcase, I hear the front door open and I smile, eager to see my girl. I rush out of my room and jog down the stairs, but I stop in my tracks when I see my wife. Something is off. 

She stands stiffly in the doorway holding an envelope with something inside of it. My brow furrows as I glance at the envelope and then up at her face. She looks worried but also…happy? Her eyes are especially bright today. 

“Pres?” I question, walking closer. I place my hands on her waist. 

“Hey, babe,” she says quietly. Her voice shakes a little.

I frown at her. “What’s wrong?”

“I…um…” She bites her lip and then hands me the envelope. “Just open it.”

Confused, I take a step back from her so I have room to reach into the envelope. My brow furrows when I pull out…a Covid test? “Shit, baby,” I say, stomach dropping. “You have Covid?”

She shakes her head, face screwing up in confusion. “What? What are you talking about?” 

“This is a positive Covid te–” I stop in my tracks when I realize what a fucking dumbass I am. I look at the test again, my eyes going so huge it must look comical. This is not a Covid test. No, it’s got a pink cap and a screen with a plus sign. I lift my eyes to Presley, my own dangerously close to shedding tears. “Presley…” I breathe.

Presley lets out a little laugh as her own eyes fill with tears. “Yeah.”

“Is this…this is real?” I ask, bouncing on my toes. “Are you sure?”

Presley giggles and the tears finally spill down her cheeks. “This is one of three tests I took. All positive,” she says. She takes it from my hand and sets it on a little table by our front door. Then, her jade eyes find mine again. “Colson,” she says, then takes a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”

Time stands still. My heart suddenly feels too big for my chest, like it’s going to explode out of me. My palms tingle and elation builds in my stomach. “R-really?” I ask quietly. 

Presley nods, lip quivering, but she smiles. “We’re having a baby, Colson. You’re going to be a dad.”

It’s those words that finally break me out of my trance. I lunge forward and heave my girl into my arms. She shrieks as I lift her up, her legs surrounding my waist. I laugh and kiss her hard, rocking her in my arms. My tears spill out, too. A baby. I’m going to be a dad. We’re going to be parents.

“I know we’re going on tour and it’s not the best time,” she says breathlessly against my lips.

I shake my head. “It’s the perfect time,” I say, because I don’t care what’s happening in our lives. We’re having a baby. I laugh again and kiss her lips, holding the back of her head while my other arm holds her up. 

“So you’re happy?” she asks.

“God, Pres,” I laugh. “I’m fucking ecstatic. This is the best day of my life!”

Presley laughs tearfully and nods. “Mine, too.”

“I love you,” I say, kissing her again. “So much.” When I pull back from the kiss, I glance down between us. I set Presley on her feet and sink to my knees. My hands go to her belly, still flat and toned, but soon enough, it’ll be perfectly round, carrying our child. I smile to myself and press a kiss to her belly. Presley runs her hands through my hair and looks at me lovingly.

I take a shaky breath and look at her stomach. “Little bean,” I say softly, “this world is yours.”

Taglist: @triplexdoublex@jaxbreaker@mgklove99xx@jinx-on-mars-19xx@iamnotanearthlingmotherfucker@anonymousme86@whiteleoqueen@feroniakutenpuu@hxllywoodwhxree

[30sdiary]

October 31 2024

It has been days since the HR of V company confirmed the offer with me verbally but still, I’ve got no official paper, so basically on paper, I’m still having no job after I finished my last working day on 7th. But I’m feeling more comfortable with it, actually I really am not waiting for the offer to come sooner, I want to hang in this city a little bit more to see if these new connections are going anywhere. O and I are talking constantly and connected at a very deep level, but somehow, I haven’t figured out being with him myself, but I’m really attracted to him. M and I are not talking every day the way O and I did, but he is having very clear intention in our dating and I can feel that we are both attracted to each other and I’m feeling happy and comfortable with having him around. Those are both new connections but kind of fruitful and both are really making me feel loved and safe, just in different ways. Clearly M will have his path way in front of us for me but I’m not that sure about O. I’m just attracted to him naturally by the way we communicate but I don’t really feel that level of trust and connected in a way that we could be a couple. So now coming back to Hanoi is me giving up on those new connections and come back to my own loneliness again. It would take me a while to adjust, but it is really difficult to stay in this city having no job. My resume is sent but I’ve got even no interview from all the companies in this city. So now if the offer comes, I would be having to make a very tough decision on myself to choose between come back to my loneliness and a lot of money, or staying with these new connections and no money currently in this city. At this moment I still can’t make such decision yet. I think I would just take the offer and hang on in this city a little bit longer, but in one month, things totally can change.

Today I helped O to connect with my therapist, hopefully it can solve the mental issue of his daughter, the thing that he has been struggling. If he can work it out, what I did might help saving a child from being abused, getting a mom to be able to love her child in a good way, and helping O to release his burden on his shoulder. I hope it can help, at least so that he can have a sense of being supported by me, rather than having to be a place for me to rely on all the time. Tomorrow M and I would go to see a horror movie, I think the reason I can’t watch this gerne is that I have too many fears inside my body and can’t just entertain it. This movie is kind of intriguing for me and I hope by going through my own fear just once may enlighten me with some idea to get over my subconscious fear about people. He is interested in making a move very actively and I kind of like his genuine intention. We don’t have to hide the intention and interest in each other, the way he kept a distance in texting somehow made me comfortable with not being overwhelmed. We had a slight handholding moment and I felt really warm by the way we connected. However, I haven’t really known about him in a deeper level and I think I need to get to know it better.

Things have been going well recently, I started having a feeling that I can be around good people and started to believe that a good authentic feeling of being loved could really heal people. I think that is the feeling M and I can bring to each other. I’m really thankful for having him around this time. We were feeling happy with being with each other. Between confusing with what is going to happen next month, I’m still grateful for having some potential opportunities of work, and some potential good connections at this moment.  Shit, somehow talking to my mom about the fact that I’m still not having any offer coming is getting me frustrated. I’m so torn and can’t continue this journaling any more, I can only feel my insecurity, my anxiety and anger… there is no way I can be gratitude to anything at this moment. I’m going to wrap thing up and getting to my therapist.

[dysfunctjon]

I dont know what specifically happened, but I don’t think I really need this account anymore. I mean I’ll still use it, what I meant is that I don’t think I feel as empty as I did when I first started.

I got a job and I love it. I finally got my permit after about 3 tries. I an getting out way more. I am dating the ACTUAL love of my life and am getting closer and closer with him. I’m getting closer to my irl friends. I’m doing … mostly ok in school, but I’m not worried about it. It’s my last year in school. I’m in therapy and I get along with my therapist. I feel more confident about myself and my body. I have proper medication that really works. I have a new special interest. I’ve been extremely creative, both art + music + edit & even writing wise. I’ve been finding some new music that has been inspirational to me. I’m sort of re-developing my clothing style. I have a wicked ass tattoo. Ive been smoking weed and having fun with that. Whenever I think of her I dismiss it and move on. I have amazing friends both online and irl and am developing decently normal relationships. I’m laughing so much more. I’m becoming more independent. I’ve redeveloped a love for energy drinks, specifically Monster. People have been more kinder to me. I am a trendsetter at my school and everyone talks about me. Im about to get a big paycheck. When I get my proper driver’s license, I’m going to be able to drive around. Im getting my issues solved. Next year I will HOPEFULLY be able to get a house with my partner and we can live on our own.

There’s so much more, but I can’t list them all. Im pretty forgetful. I just think I am healing. There are times where I feel like im not, and where I relapse back into old habits but I believe I’ve been getting better at that. I think that in general I am getting better. I am more grateful for the little things in life. I have no need to look back on the past, get upset about the past, etc. What’s done is done and there’s nothing I can change besides how my future will end up. I have people who love and support me forever and I am glad I do. Whether it’s 2 people or 20, I am happy I am in their presence. I think I am getting okay. It’s only up from here everyone

[hello-nichya-here]

How NOT to write romance - How I Met Your Mother edition

Warning: long-ass post and lots of bitterness over a TV show that ended nearly eight years ago.

Basics for story-telling

If the romance you want to write is dysfunctional, fucking embrace it and have fun with the concept instead of pretending the bad shit the characters do is okay because “it’s true love”

Acknowledgde that your main character has flaws instead of acting like he is a saint who can do no wrong for no reason other than “he is the main character. Definitively don’t make him do, of his own free will, the exact exact same things the supposedly “selfish and cruel” womanizer does and then excuse it as him having “succumbed to/been tricked by a bad influece” like he’s child who doesn’t know any better instead of being a grown ass adult.

Don’t make your characters be annoying, entitled fuckers who think they have the right to judge others for wanting different things out of a relationship/not wanting a relationship at all. Don’t act like monogamy, double dates with other couples, marriage and children are something EVERYONE secretly wants deep down.

Don’t demonize the “evil” character of the group and act like the “heroes” being appalled by the shit he does is anything other than hypocricy. There’s literally nothing forcing them to be friends with him, so they’re obviously not as horrified at bad shit he does as they say they are, otherwise they would have ditched him a long time ago.

Don’t have the “heartless womanizer”,  who we later find out is the ex-husband of the girl the lead wanted for himself, be shown to us exclusively through the eyes of the an unreliable narrator who had motivation to make him see worse than he is likely to be (get his kids to want him to get the girl instead of the “douchebag”). Also, don’t make his schemes to trick women into sleeping with them so completely absurd and ridiculous that the audience is pretty sure that 70% of the women he banged were completely aware he just wanted a quick fuck and went along with it anyway because they wanted some dick (and because the character is played by Neil Patric Harris, who is incapable of not being charismatic)

Fucking let you characters (especially the supposed hero we’re supposed to think is the best boyfriend ever) grow instead of making them constantly repeat the same mistakes

Lily and Marshall

Don’t make one of the characters hide something very important from their partner, and then have the audacity to be mad at them for “just not understanding” as if they were given any reason to understand what the problem even is

Don’t act like someone being heartbroken that their partner lied to them and practically made a plan to “escape” being married to them means they’re not being “supportive” of said partners dream - you should especially not do that after we were shown that they took a job they didn’t like just to make sure they’d have a secure future that would allow said partner to follow their dream.

Don’t have the character who was obviously in the wrong need to be convinced to get their shit together and apologize to their ex.

If a character forgave the ex who wronged them and even got back together with them, don’t have them constantly hold their past mistakes over their head like it that problem has not already been solved - you especially not make them do that on what was supposed to be their wedding day. They can either forgive their partner or not, they can’t keep going back and forth.

Don’t have them constantly hide important shit from each other (having a huge financial debt, getting a job, etc)

DO NOT have the character who fucked up years prior suddenly be willing to do the same shit again for the EXACT same reason (”I think our relationship is in the way of my dreams and I’m now completely isolated because I refuse to talk things out with you”) and then expect the audience to sympathize with them.

Ted and Robin 

Unless you’re writing a Disney/Disney-esque romance, don’t have your lead just look at someone across the room, decide they’re “The one”, imagine their life together and full on say “I’m love with you” AND “I love you” on the first goddamn date.

Don’t have the lead stalk his love interest, and throw three parties in a row just to have an excuse to get close to her now that she made it clear she is not interested in having a relationship with him.

Don’t have the “hero” lie about having broken up with his girlfriend so the girl he wants to be with will sleep with him, and then have him blame his actions on time. “Nothing good happens after 2 a.m.” Grow a pair of balls, Ted!

If one of the characters says “You’re going too fast on the whole ‘love’ thing. Can’t we just go on a few dates and see what happens instead of already starting to plan our lives together?” and the others throws a fit, that is called “being incompatible” and “damn, this dude doesn’t respect boundaries”, not “Wow, she’s so afraid of commitment”

If you want the audience to believe the main character’s feelings are not one-sided, don’t make the fact that said feelings ARE unrequited a running joke, and don’t have the girl only accept giving him a chance after having to deal with the fucker whining “But I love you” for months and/or after going through bad break ups. Also, if you have to retcon half the fucking show to “proove” that “she DOES love him”, that pairing fucking sucks.

Don’t compare the couple you want the audience to root for to the main character’s divorced, dysfunctional parents, and don’t have flashbacks showing that the lead had no clue what his girlfriend actually liked in bed AND that she literally covered up his face so she could pretend she was fucking someone else.

DON’T MAKE HER GET RID OF HER DOGS, YOU FUCKING MONSTER!

If your lead character is still jealous/possessive of his ex, thinks he still has a chance even after she told him to his face that she didn’t love him, and acts like she and her fiance (who he says is his friend) being happy is somehow them being selfish and cruel, your lead character is a loser AND an asshole.

Don’t throw away the entire premise of the show (Ted finding the REAL love of his life) just to force a bad pairing down the audience’s throat

Ted Mosby in general

Don’t have your “romantic, sensitive hero” break up with a girl on her birthday through an answering machine, come back into her life without warning years later because he’s afraid he’ll die alone, and find out that she never heard the message but was actually told about it by her friends and family who were at her apartment preparing a surprise party for her. You should especially not make his first reaction to this new be being mad that he was not invited to the party, and for the love of God, don’t make him break up with her on her birthday AGAIN.

Don’t have the “hero” cheat on his girlfriend and excuse it with bullshit like “Nothing good happens 2 a.m.” and “But I genuinely love Robin so it’s okay that I’m lying to both of them”. Do not, I repeat, do NOT have him blame it on his girlfriend being distant when she didn’t pick up the phone one night and then called back the second she was free to do so, while he was enjoying the gifts she sent him and LIED to her about having sent her some as well.

Don’t fucking make an entire episode with the premise of him turning a no into a yes - and telling that story to his children like it’s romantic.

Don’t have his fiance, who he knows has a rocky relationship with the father of her daughter, tell him she is uncomfortable with him inviting his ex to their wedding and then have him decide “This means I should invite her ex as well”. Also don’t expect me to feel bad for him when she runs off with said ex.

Don’t have him spend YEARS waiting for one of the hundreds of girls he thinks is “the one” to be single and even ask her neighbour to spy on her and let him know when/if she breaks up with her boyfriend - again, for YEARS.

Don’t have the lead say he’s gonna tell their kids about his love story with their DECEASED mother, only for it to secretly be an excuse for him to go “By the way, I’m still in love with aunt Robin despite her having rejected me for 25 years, can I go screw her?”

Don’t act like making the characters reverse back into who they were at the beginning at the story means they’re gonna make things work this time when the whole point of their break up in the beginning on the story was the fact that they’re just not right for each other.

Robin and Kevin

A therapist who was supposed to help their patient move on after a bad break up that messed them up, dating said patient is a major red flag. It is also a bad sign that, when she cheats on him and wants to break up, he realized what she was doing to used his job as “evidence” that he knew better and that she should NOT tell her partner how she felt/what she actually wanted.

Do NOT have said therapist date yet ANOTHER patient that asked him help to move on from a bad break up. Seriously, Kevin was a creep, stop acting like he was some angel who “deserved better than Robin.”

BONUS: How NOT to break up a couple - Barney and Robin edition

Don’t act like their relationship falling appart after their friends kept meddling, and even kept them locked in a room against their will until they labeled their relationship as something they aproved of, is somehow “proof” that they’re not good for each other.

Don’t retcon their relationship to force a break up (seriously, Barney was super supportive of Robin long before he even fell in love with her, but I’m supposed to believe he’d be a bad boyfriend who is never there for her? And he loved advantures and always said “challenge accepted”, but was suddenly miserable travelling the world with her and couldn’t deal with not having wi-fi at the hotel? Fuck off)

Don’t spend an entire season focusing on their wedding, have them get married and then divorce THE NEXT FUCKING EPISODE! Why do you hate your audience? Even people who don’t want them together can see this a terrible idea.

And most important of all, when people question what the fuck were you thinking, don’t have a meltdown on twitter and say that people who think Barney can change are responsible for Donald Trump being elected, you fucking weirdo, go see a therapist (that isn’t like Kevin)

[lumosinlove]

Vaincre

~

It’s here!! Thank you all for the support of this universe, it truly means so very much to me. Every time I get a comment, or get to read the fan fiction you all write, see the art you create...it just fills me with so much joy. I’m so excited to share the Sweater Weather sequel with you, Vaincre! Go Lions!

cw: brief mention of past injury and past abuse

~

part i: July

I’ve been holding my breath

I’ve been counting to ten

~

The media wasn’t kind. There were network shows and blogs. Magazines and papers and podcasts. Not to mention Twitter.

Remus had heard his name on all of them, even if he wasn’t listening. It was part of Alice’s job to make sure he knew what was being said about him. It was his job to tune most of it out. Some outrage. Some elation. Some confusion.

This is my question, one podcast asked. I mean, I’m happy for Black. Lupin, too. I’m happy for the hockey world to have this happen, it’s about time, I mean, tune it, come on, and all that.

I’m confused about the, you know, ‘let’s put the PT on the roster.’ I’ve seen college clips, like, those have been released, we know that he got injured, we know all that. He’s fast, we know that, too. But a lot of guys are fast.

Just…what a move by Coach Weasley. A good move? I don’t know. I really don’t know.

Remus had always loved to run. It cleared his head. It had been one of the forms of exercise he had been able to do first once his shoulder had healed, before weights or any sort of strength training. His therapists had recommended it. Endorphins, they had said.

But Remus liked it because it was the closest he had been able to get to gliding on the ice, even when he still couldn’t stand to even look at a rink.

A good move? I don’t know. I really don’t know.

Remus was used to not knowing. He was beginning to think he thrived on it. Would he play hockey again? Would he ever find love? Would Sirius want him?

Was this really happening?

He didn’t think of dreams as coming so late, but, then again, why should dreams be put on any sort of time schedule?

Now, he banged out the screen door and onto the rickety, well-loved porch of the lake house that had been passed down through his family for years. His mother and her brothers split it up in the summer, overlapping for a week or so, and there were always little gifts left behind for each family at the trade-off. A bottle of the best maple syrup, or some of the local honey. They were small, but Remus smiled when he saw what his uncle and aunt and cousins had left for him and Sirius after his parents and Julian had given them the month of July with the house to themselves. A little flower arrangement with two hockey sticks, carved out of wood, sticking up in the middle.

Sirius had plucked one from the dirt, twirled it over in his fingers, and smiled.

“Your family will never stop surprising me.”

Green Lake was deep, prime for fishing, and gorgeous. The smell of the water, of the soil and sweet summer air was as good as home to Remus. He breathed it in now as he bent to lace up his sneakers. He could smell the fire pit that they had lit last night, one that he and Julian had roasted thousands of marshmallows over.

“I showed Jules how to roast the perfect marshmallow here,” Remus had said that first July night, leaning back against Sirius’ chest.

Sirius had blew out his burnt-black one. “Like this?”

Remus had scoffed. “No, you heathen.”

Sirius looked good here, surrounded by the woods and rusty cabin, wearing the old fleeces that never seemed to leave this place for when the sun had yet to warm the chilly mornings. Some mornings, they’d make their coffee, tangle their socked feet together on the small couch until the sun began to get high and they’d strip it all off in favor of swimsuits and sunscreen. Other mornings, Remus would rise, pressing a gentle kiss to Sirius’ sleeping face, and take to the dirt road that ran around the lake.

Sirius, just off of the hard won playoffs, needed to rest. Remus needed to train.

A good move? I don’t know. I really don’t know.

They would leave in two days for Pascal’s Cup Day celebration, and then to meet Remus’ parents, his little brother Julian, and Regulus back in Gryffindor for Sirius’ Cup Day. And August training. Remus stretched his hands to his toes and closed his eyes. A strange type of adrenaline filled him whenever he thought about practicing with the team, about the fitness tests that would come first. He’d have to prove himself again and again. He wanted to. But part of him wondered what would happen if he couldn’t.

The screen door squeaked open and shut again, and Remus jumped, looking up to find Sirius, still sleep rumpled, standing there in running shorts.

Remus laughed, reaching up to trace a pillow crease in his cheek. “You’re supposed to be sleeping in while you can.”

Sirius let out a grumbly sort of yawn and gathered his hair, long from the summer and just brushing his chin now, back into a small half-up bun.

“I can’t believe you do this before coffee.”

“Too acidic. Gives you running stitches.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Sirius sighed, and threw his arm around Remus’ shoulders as they walked up the steep driveway to the road.

Remus kissed his wrist. “I’ll miss being here with you.”

Sirius smiled. He was tan from the summer, hair dark as ever and his skin sun-kissed.

Remus leaned into his shoulder. “I mean look at you. I like seeing you this relaxed.”

Sirius bit his lip as the rounded a bend, waving at Mrs. Barrow, who was tending to her garden.

“I don’t think I knew I could be this relaxed,” Sirius admitted. “It was always train, train, train, you didn’t get a Cup, try harder.”

Remus was familiar with the notes that appeared in Sirius’ voice now from years of Sirius’ small slips in conversation, even when, to Remus, Sirius had only been they youngest captain in the league, cold and reserved from even more years of his father’s abusive, relentless attitude towards hockey and Sirius’ skills. Even when Remus had only been the team’s physical therapist, closeted, crushing on Sirius, and surprised by the cracks Sirius showed when he had gotten his ankle smashed by Severus Snape, Captain of the Slytherin Snakes—the Gryffindor Lions greatest rivalry. Pain, it had seemed, and fear of never stepping on the ice again, had given Remus his first glimpses into a different Sirius beneath it all, a boy who was filled with much more than just a need to win, but for whom the want of winning only made him love his sport, and his team, more.

“And now that you have a Cup?” Remus asked. “How’re you feeling?”

They came to the road and Sirius balanced on one foot, stretching his thigh. “Now that I have you,” he said. “I’m feeling just fine.”

Remus snorted. “Yeah, the Stanley Cup Champion part has nothing to do with it.”

Sirius laughed, but took Remus’ face between his palms. “If I didn’t have you, and I had only a Cup, all I would be doing right now is thinking about another Cup.”

Remus put a hand on his chest, fingers finding the number twelve pendant that rested there.

“Now, there’s more,” Sirius said simply, and leaned down for a tender kiss. “Like your mother’s peach pie.”

Remus punched him in the arm as Sirius laughed loudly.

“You’ll have to beat me if you want a slice of that!” Remus called as he took off.

Sirius made a wounded noise, but sprinted after him until they were side by side again.

~

“I don’t think I can leave this beach,” Leo mumbled into the lounging cabana they were spread out beneath, and Logan looked down at him from where he was reading—trying to read—one of the books Finn had given him. He didn’t know how many books Finn had tried to get him to read over the years, but he knew he never made it through more than a few pages without looking up, getting distracted, or having to go back.

“Non?” Logan asked.

Leo shook his head. “The sun. The sea. I’m in heaven.”

“What about hockey?”

“Brr.”

Logan laughed and settled back into the pillows, setting the book aside and rolling towards Leo to feel his sun-warmed back and leaned down to kiss his temple. A private beach definitely had its perks—and so did three hockey salaries.

“We’ll just stay here, then.”

They’d had a good summer. Leo’s Cup Day, Finn’s, his own, all in their hometowns and accompanied by large parades and fanfare. Logan had finally gotten to take Leo home to his sisters and parents for the first time. It had been nice to see Finn around his family again, too, after what felt like eons of avoiding him in that small gap between being at Harvard and then them both making it to the NHL, and to the Lions.

Leo’s sleepy smile up at him melted Logan like ice in the sun.

“Okay, good,” Leo said, then his eyes went behind Logan. “There’s the ghost-on-toast with our drinks.”

Logan snorted and looked up to see Finn—and Finn’s tiny blue swim shorts that he insisted weren’t see-through—walking towards them through the sand from the resort bar with a tray of drinks in his hands.

“Hey, lover-nuts,” Finn said as he set the tray down in the shade. “Got us some snacks, too. That bar tender loves me.”

“You are so pale,” Leo laughed. “I love you, though, please put more sunscreen on.”

“Keep your sandy feet off my towel,” Logan nudged Finn’s foot with his own as he reached for his drink. Finn just smiled and nodded at the book.

“How is it?” Finn asked.

Logan just looked at him.

He laughed and ran a hand through Logan’s salty, damp hair. “I know. I’ll read it to you later. I just thought you might want something for the beach!”

Logan held up his cocktail. “I have something for the beach.”

They settled back under their cabana, the thin, white linen curtains fluttering around them in the three o’clock breeze. Maybe Logan, as he closed his eyes between Leo and Finn, Leo’s hand still on his thigh, Finn’s arm pillowing the back of his neck, never wanted to leave this beach, either.

“Back to Gryffindor tomorrow,” Logan said.

“Group chat says most guys’ll be back this week,” Finn said, squinting at his phone over his sunglasses. “We gotta be back for Dumo’s, and then Cap’s Cup Day. That’ll be nice, man.”

“I like that they’re bringing it to Gryffindor Pride,” Leo said, rolling onto his back. “Should have thought of that. Or, I guess…” Leo trailed off and Logan frowned. They couldn’t do that. Not yet, at least. Leo caught Logan’s expression and rested a reassuring hand on his thigh. “I’m glad we get to go, even if its for them on the surface. That’s real thoughtful of them, you know?”

Logan nodded. It was thoughtful. When Remus and Sirius had brought it up to them, he’d found himself getting a little choked up.

“We want you guys to be able to experience that, too,” Remus had said. “If you want. No matter what you decide to do public-wise in the future.”

Finn clicked his phone off and chucked it to the side. “Hey, don’t take me off island time yet. We’ll order to the room, eat on the deck, hike up and stargaze…”

Finn rattled off the perfect list, tilting towards Logan until their lips met.

“And then we’ll go win another Cup.”

Leo and Logan punched him at the same time.

~

Thomas sat in the shade with Kasey as they watched Alex try to take on Natalie and Noelle at pool basketball.

“I really think they’re going to accidentally drown him,” Thomas said thoughtfully.

“He probably thinks that, too, and is just too competitive to stop,” Kasey replied.

Thomas laughed, and held out his beer to cheers.

“This is a nice house the O’Haras have, man,” he looked at the sparkling ocean beyond the steps and fence, and at the pool with the grill and lounge chairs. They’d only come up for the weekend, between training and visiting their own families, and before returning to Gryffindor for the season.

“Tell me about it.”

“Cheating!” Alex spluttered from the pool as Natalie put all of her weight on him to dunk him under the water. Alex pointed very seriously to the foot marker on the side tile. “We agreed from that to Thomas’ chair, I was too far away!”

“Too bad!” Noelle shouted as she made another basket.

Thomas didn’t think it was the alcohol that made him feel a little fuzzy at the edges as he looked over her in her swimsuit. She was all curves of tanned muscle, softened the summer around her stomach and arms. Thomas was a goner. But she seemed pretty gone, too, so he guessed it was all right.

“This moment’s always rough,” Kasey said softly from beside him, and when Thomas looked at him questioningly, he gestured vaguely with his beer. “The end of July. One more month, but not really. Alex’ll go back for training, you know? It’s like a trick. I always think, I get three months with these two. But it’s more like two and the first week of August.”

Thomas nodded. “I know. Noelle, too. Her training camp starts on the eight. I’m just…”

Kasey sighed in sympathy.

“At least you have Nat, you know?” Thomas said. “Not that I’m saying you have it easier, I just…”

Kasey shook his head. “I know. Believe me, I’m thankful for that every day. But…when you miss someone, you miss someone.”

Thomas nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, exactly.”

Last season hadn’t been too bad. His relationship with Noelle had been new. They only really knew FaceTime dates, and squeezed in weekend flights that sometimes left them more exhausted than sated. They had been taking it slow. Thomas had been kissed by Noelle—a lot. Enough to make him dizzy with it. Only, then she’d met him at the airport in Quebec, they’d spent a month with her family in France…

And Thomas wasn’t sure he knew how to do just FaceTime anymore. There was a new yearning, knotted just below his heart. He knew what her skin felt like under his hands now, knew what she looked like right when she waked up, even her skincare routine before bed. It would feel like being away from the ice for too long, the knot pulling tight. He thought this year was going to be harder. Maybe he knew it, but if he did, he was pretending it might be easy still.

“T,” Noelle called, floating on her back, dark hair fanned out in the water. “C’mere!”

Thomas smiled, setting his drink down. He would come, whenever she called. Wherever.

~

Cole Reyes didn’t know if Adele Dumais staring at him the way she was was a good thing, or a bad thing. He was nervous enough without the seemingly disapproval of Pascal Dumais'—the Pascal Dumais of the Gryffindor Lions, oldest player in the league—teenage daughter.

“Don’t you talk?” Marc, one of his sons, asked.

Cole blinked. “Uh. Yeah. Yeah.”

Adele waved her brother off. “They’re always super nervous at first. Remember Sirius?”

Marc scoffed. “I was a baby.”

Cole let out a breath. Now they were casually talking about Sirius Black, who had lived in the very room Cole had been sleeping in for a week now when he was a rookie, too. It was the same with Logan Tremblay. He felt like he needed to keep the room pristine, like he was living in some Hockey Hall of Fame museum that he had not earned the right to be in yet.

“You’re still a baby,” Adele shot back.

“Kids,” came Celeste, Pascal’s wife’s voice from where she was setting the table. “Come on now.”

“Sorry, maman,” Marc said softly.

“Sorry,” Adele sighed more reluctantly.

“Go help your father with the grill, you two,” she said. “Everyone will be arriving soon.”

Katie, Celeste and Pascal’s youngest daughter, perked up from where she was sitting beside Cole, drawing. Not Pascal, Dumo—Cole kept having to remind himself that he could call Pascal by his nickname now, that it was all official, that he was a Gryffindor Lion, too. Katie hadn’t left his side since he arrived a week ago to billet with the Dumais, and he still wasn’t sure what to make of it.

“Even the Cup?” she asked.

Celeste laughed. “Oui, ma cherie. Cole? Would you mind going to get the flowers for the table? They’re on the kitchen counter, just inside.”

“Oh, sure, Mrs. Dumais,” Cole nodded, glad for something to do. The thought of the Cup arriving gave him the chills. He’d have to be careful not to touch it. He was scared to even look at it, to be honest. His mom would be laughing at him right about now. He wanted to call her afterwards, tell her everything.

“Call me Celeste, I told you, please,” Celeste smiled. She was lovely, with her dark hair twisted and clipped up and a summer dress as green as her eyes, silky against her olive skin.

Cole flushed, but smiled. “Celeste.”

Cole made his way through the sliding door from the back yard and through the dining room. The kitchen was one of the biggest rooms in the house—and it was a big house. Beautiful copper pans hung shining above the island, along with some herbs that Celeste grew and dried herself. It looked like something out of a magazine to Cole, and it was nice, but it wouldn’t beat his mom’s kitchen in the small apartment they shared in Boston. The small space would fill up to the brim with the smell of spices, or cobbler. The thought sent a pang right to his heart. He missed home, that was for sure. After being away for so long, for so many hockey camps, he’d hoped he would be more used to it by now.

The flowers were right where Celeste had said they would be, and he was reaching for one when the back door that led to the garage dinged open. Cole froze, sure that he was about to run into captain Sirius Black completely unprepared, when a girl stepped through instead. She was dressed in denim shorts and a white tank top, had dark brown skin, and a Gryffindor College hat over her hair, which was plaited back into many small braids.

She smiled when she saw him. No sign of surprised, or of the nervousness Cole felt when he met basically anyone.

“You must be Cole,” she said.

Cole nodded. The girl was gorgeous. Cole was a mess of nerves already. He didn’t need the stare of the teenage daughter of one of his idols, but he especially could not handle a beautiful girl right now.

“Yeah,” Cole said. “No, yeah, um. Yes.”

The girl strode forward, setting her bag down on the counter, along with a water bottle decorated in stickers. He caught a few Lions ones. She offered her hand, which was slender and had two golden rings on it. “I’m Layla. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Cole took it, trying to place her. “Nice to meet you.”

“Oh, I babysit for the Dumais family,” she said in explanation, then waved her hand. “Well, this year, at least. I’m actually—we’re going to be working together.”

Cole blinked. “You mean the Lions?”

She nodded. “I’m in the middle of my undergrad for physical therapy. Dumo’s amazing and he got me an internship under the new PT. You know. I’ll probably get you stick tape or something,” she laughed. “Congrats, by the way.”

Cole tilted his head and she raised an eyebrow.

“On making it to the NHL?”

“Oh,” Cole laughed. “Oh, I, yeah, thanks. You, too—or…yeah.”

Cole was going to stay in his room in the basement and never come out.

“I gotta—Mrs. Du—Celeste wants these flowers outside,” he said, picking the vases up.

“Sure thing,” Layla smiled.

“Layla,” came a shriek, and a moment later Katie Dumais came sprinting into the kitchen and wrapped herself around Layla’s legs and smiled at Cole. “This is my new hockey player.”

Cole couldn’t help but laugh. He didn’t have a lot of experience with kids, but Katie sure was cute.

“Yours?” Layla gasped as she smiled at Cole. “He’s all yours, is he?”

Katie nodded. “Like Tremzy and Sirius. His name is Cole, like when Santa Clause doesn’t like you.”

Again, with the casual mentions of Logan Tremblay and Sirius Black.

“Oh, of course,” Layla laughed. “Well, I’m sure Santa Clause has never not liked you, babes. Let’s go let your mom know I’m here, okay? Your new hockey player can come with us, too.”

“He’s yours, too!” Katie insisted. “You’re here all the time, so he’s yours, too, don’t worry.”

“Oh, good,” Layla said. “I was worried.”

When Katie looked at Cole expectedly, Cole managed, “I guess everyone does need a hockey player?”

“Exactly!” Katie squealed, and Cole could only follow them outside, heart pounding.

~

It was good to be back in Gryffindor. Remus and Sirius had dropped their bags in Sirius’ entryway, said hello to Regulus, showered, and then hopped right back in the car to get to Pascal’s house.

“You two look disgustingly happy,” Regulus said, leaning forward from the back seat.

“We are,” Sirius grinned at him in the review mirror. “I am also happy,” he stroked the leather steering wheel of his Range Rover. “To be back with this baby.”

While Sirius’ hair had grown longer, Regulus had shaved his short. The curls were barely curls at all anymore, but Remus was happy to see that his seemingly ever-present dark circles had receded some.

“Why, thank you, Regulus, you look happy, too,” Remus snorted. “When do you leave for NYU’s orientation?”

“August 23rd,” he said. “Been texting with my housemates, too. They seem cool.”

“Maybe one of you will pull a Finn and fall in love with each other,” Sirius said.

“Twice,” Remus laughed, and Regulus did, too.

“I think I’ve had enough romance drama to last me a life time, thanks,” Regulus smiled. “But, yeah. I’m just…I’m focused on friends right now, I think. Normal, non-hockey creatures like you two. But that’s not to say if something came up…or I guess someone. Who knows.”

Sirius’ smile was softer this time. “Focus on whatever you want, Reg. You deserve it.”

Regulus just grumbled something about hockey gods, and then they were pulling up to the Dumais’. There were silver and white balloons lining the driveway and the fence to the backyard where, as Remus slammed his door, he could already hear laughter. A zing of excitement shot through him.

“I missed this team,” he sighed as Sirius took his hand.

Sirius pressed a kiss to his temple. “Your team.”

“Our team.”

“Jesus Christ,” Regulus said, and gave them a shove forward.

Thomas gave a loud woop when he spotted them coming out to the backyard. Regulus immediately made a B-line towards Leo and the Cubs.

“Yes! The Captain!” Thomas said and pulled Sirius into a hug. “Missed you, man.”

“You, too, T,” Sirius said. “Ready to tear it up?”

“You know it.”

Remus smiled as Thomas hugged him next. “I forgot you two train together before pre-season.”

“You two?” Thomas raised an eyebrow, the small gold hoops in his ears glinting in the sun. Remus noticed he’d shaved three stripes into one side of his head. They were a little wobbly. Maybe Noelle had done it. “You’re not coming with us?”

“You know how this one is about his routines,” Remus said, wrapping an arm around Sirius’ waist. “Wouldn’t want to mess anything up.”

“Please,” Sirius said. “I want you there more than I want a second—”

Remus and Thomas punched him at the same time.

“I know you weren’t just about to say that,” said an accented voice from behind Remus, and they turned to see Pascal standing there. He looked as he always did, smile lines around his eyes, gray streaks at his temples. He wore a white t-shirt and had Katie on his hip. She was definitely getting too big to be carried around like that, but Remus couldn’t see a time when Pascal would ever refuse her. He’d probably carry Adele around like that, too, if she’d let him.

“Dumo,” Sirius smiled, and took the two beers he was holding out, handing one to Remus. He kissed Katie’s forehead. “Good summer?”

“The best,” Pascal laughed, and nodded towards the edge of the yard. “Especially with the promise of seeing that thing again.”

Remus followed his gaze, and his breath caught, just as he knew it would. The Cup stood there, its guards near by with drinks and plates of food in their hands. It sat proudly on a table, surrounded by white tulips—no doubt Celeste’s doing.

“I’m excited to see you two bring it to the parade,” Pascal said. “That will be a wonderful day for everyone.”

Remus glanced at where Logan, Leo, and Finn were standing with Kasey Winter, Gryffindor’s goalie, and his partners Natalie, with her long blonde hair, and Finn’s brother Alex, who played for Tampa Bay.

Sirius’ smile lit up his face. “It will be.”

Remus peered around him. “Is that our rookie?”

Sirius scoffed. “A rookie can’t call a fellow rookie rookie, rookie.”

Remus blinked. “What did you just say?”

“That’s Cole!” Katie said. “I love him.” Then she turned and shouted his name again. He looked up from where he was standing quietly beside Jackson Nadeau, another player, and Remus suppressed a smile at the way his eyes widened when he saw Sirius.

“Oh, here we go,” Sirius mumbled.

“Oh, hush,” Remus said, and sounded far too much like his mother to himself. “You’re going to be throwing hands for him the second someone gets close, and you know it.”

“I don’t know how to tell rookies I’m just a person!” Sirius whispered as Cole began to make his way over. “They act all…”

“Star struck?” Thomas offered.

Sirius just glowered at him.

Cole Reyes did not look as young as he was. Even at 19, he was jacked, and tall, with light brown skin, green eyes, and a stripe shaved into one of his eyebrows. His hair was shaved at the sides, but longer on the top and in tight curls.

Remus glanced somewhat self-consciously down at himself. He could only put on more muscle healthily so fast. He thought he’d been doing well, but looking at Cole…

“Hello,” Cole said hesitantly and Pascal set Katie down and clapped Cole on the shoulder.

“Reyes, meet Sirius. Sirius, meet the boy who is a much better billet than you ever were.”

Sirius snorted, and Cole laughed—nervously.

“Hi, Cole,” Sirius said, and held out his hand. “I know we spoke briefly over the summer, but it’s nice to officially meet you.”

“You, too,” Cole said, smile slight. “Thanks for the call. My mom freaked out. I mean—well, me too, but my mom…” Cole stuttered out, wincing.

“Loves me?” Sirius laughed. “I get that a lot.”

“He’s so humble,” Remus shook his head jokingly. “Hi Cole, I’m Remus. Welcome to the team.”

“You too…?” Cole said hesitantly. “Well, the roster, I guess.”

“Cole,” Katie said, taking his large hand in her small one. “Come meet Tremzy. He’s my best friend.”

Sirius feigned a pout. “What about me?”

Katie smiled sheepishly, throwing herself at Sirius’ legs, “You, too!”

“Always one-uped by Tremblay,” Thomas laughed, shaking his head. “How’s it feel, Cap?”

“Wonderful,” Sirius said dryly and then looked down at Katie, petting her head. “Go on, go show Cole your best friend.”

They watched her lead Cole through the crowd for a moment before Sirius huffed.

“See?” Sirius whispered to Remus. “It’s like he’s scared of me.”

“I’ve never heard you use the phrase spoke briefly in my life. Who are you, Alice?”

“I was trying to be professional!”

Remus laughed. “Why?”

Sirius just rolled his eyes and dragged him over to stack their plates with food.

The party went well into the evening, the sky pink and blue in the setting sun. There were lanterns floating in the pool where Evgeni and Jackson were playing chicken with a delighted Marc and Louis, or sometimes one of Coach Arthur Weasley’s boys, on their shoulders. Logan was sitting with Cole and Finn, cradling a sleepy Katie against his chest, Leo and Regulus laughing with Kasey and Alex.

Remus found Sirius again standing alone in front of the Cup. His hair was falling into his face, the curls gentled by the evening breeze and the Cup’s silver surface reflecting the silver of Sirius’ eyes. Remus went to stand beside him, and neither of them spoke for a moment.

“I’m nervous,” Remus broke the silence.

Sirius nodded. “I know, mon loup.”

Remus sighed, resting his head against Sirius’ arm. “Yeah?”

“Of course,” Sirius switched his drink to his other hand so he could run his fingers through Remus’ hair. “This is…big.”

“It’s what I’ve always wanted,” Remus whispered. It felt dangerous, to say the words aloud. “It’s everything that I lost. Last time.”

Remus could still feel Fenrir Greyback rip at his shoulder, even if it was years ago now, while they were still at college. Being in the NHL meant that Remus would have to play against him again whenever they met Vegas.

Sirius turned towards him, hand on his cheek.

“You will have this,” he said earnestly, and then smile, reaching into his shirt for his necklace, the one Remus had gifted him last Christmas. He brought it to his lips. “Loops.”

Remus smiled at the now familiar sight, touching the pendant when Sirius’ let it drop.

“You know,” Remus said. “You’re everything I’ve always wanted, too.”

Sirius’ smile was one of Remus’ favorites, and he tucked him against his side. Remus followed his gaze to find him looking at Cole again.

“I’m not happy with the way it happened,” Sirius said softly, and Remus knew he was thinking of the pictures that someone had leaked of them kissing. The pictures that had upturned their entire lives. “But I’m glad I get to hold you like this in front of new faces. I wasn’t thinking about trades—I try not to—but getting Reyes, if things had been different, would have meant we were back to square one at parties like these.”

Remus nodded, taking a drink. “And he seemed okay with it. With us.”

“I was thinking we should invite him to train with us. With me, you, and T. Maybe Dumo would join, too. I know he usually goes with Sergei, but Sergei might be with Kuns and Nado, even though they usually like it just them. The Cubs—”

“Okay, Captain, okay,” Remus laughed.

Sirius pressed a hand over his eyes, laughing. “I just don’t like it when they’re nervous around me. Like Leo was. It’s so much better now that we’re friends.”

“You’ll get there with him,” Remus said. “Yeah, invite him to train with us. The more the merrier.”

Secretly, Remus wanted to see how Cole trained. He couldn’t shake the analytical side of him, the physical therapist side. Cole was built for such a young age.

“If I didn’t know better,” Sirius said softly, mouth close to Remus’ ear. “I’d say you were checking him out.”

Remus spluttered. “I’m not! I want to know his routine!”

Sirius cracked up. “This is your superstition, isn’t it? Cracking other player’s codes.”

Remus just shrugged, smiling into his cup.

“Have you cracked my code?” Sirius asked in the low voice he used that made Remus not want to be surrounded by people.

Remus looked up at him. “Maybe. It certainly has nothing to do with a piece of toast at five o’clock.”

“My pre-game toast is very important to me.”

Remus leaned up to press a quick kiss to his lips. “No, you just like honey and cinnamon.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Okay, I’m going to talk to Reyes now.”

“Catch him if he passes out.”

Sirius just glowered over his shoulder as he stalked across the grass. Remus looked around at the back yard, at the team, together again. His team.

[nights-legacy]

Funny Way of Showing It - Shinsou x Sister! Reader Pt. 1

Main Masterlist MHA Masterlist

+You are the sister of Hitoshi Shinso. You are the same age and were both adopted by Aizawa and Yamada as a young children. Everyone knows how Hitoshi wanted to be in the hero course but instead you got in. You have a force field quirk that can be both used defensively and offensively. He says he's proud of you but why then is he pulling away from you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I jumped in excitement after my letter of acceptance finished. I got into UA. Class 1-A even! I ran out of my room to Hitoshi’s. I knocked on the door lightly, not sure if he had finished his yet. I heard a humph inside before someone approached the door. I recognized the humph as a bad one. I set my head on the door frame as he opened the door.

“Hi.” I said. He nodded before turning back into his room. He plopped down on his bed. I sat down Indian style next to him. “So…did you get in?”

“Yeah.” He said solemnly. I cocked my head to the side. He glanced at me before sighing. “I got in but I got into General Studies, that’s it.” He said while closing his eyes. I saw an irritated look pass over his face before it went neutral. “How about you?”

“Yeah, I got in too.” I shrugged and looked away. I pursed my lips, feeling bad now. I know how bad he wanted to be in the hero course. I didn’t really care where I ended up. In reality, I was just trying to support Hitoshi.

“What class?” I heard him shift. He sat up, propped his knees up, and propped his arms on his knees. He looked at me expectantly. I sighed and straightened my back.

“Class 1-A.” I said biting my lip. I didn’t want to look at him but I did anyway. He was looking down with a slight upset look in his face. “I’m sorry Hitoshi. I know how much you wanted…” He held his hand to stop me. I snapped my mouth shut.

“It’s alright, sis.” He said. He set his hand down on mine. “I may be disappointed in placement but that doesn’t mean I can’t be in the hero course one day.” He smiled. I nodded before he pulled me into a bear hug.

“Ah!” I yelled and giggled.

“I am so proud of you though!” He said enthusiastically. “You didn’t even think you would get in let alone the top hero class. See, I told you your quirk is worth more than a shield.”

“Yeah, you were right.” I rolled my eyes and pushed him off by elbowing him. He groaned and let go. I looked over at him, he seemed happy but I knew that this would bother him more than he would let on. A few chuckles from the door caught our attention. We looked to see our dads standing there.

“Congrats you two.” Dadzawa said. He had a soft smile on his face. PapaMic was nearly jumping in place.

“Did you two know?”

“Weeellll…” Papa started. “We knew that you two got in but we didn’t know your placements until your letters were delivered.”

“Just in case loud mouth here couldn’t keep his mouth shut.” Dad threw his thumb over his shoulder. We laughed as Papa looked at him in annoyance. “Also, just because you are now my student, doesn’t mean I’m going to be easy on you young lady/man.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I said hopping up. “Just please, all I ask is don’t expel the entirety of the class like that one time. That would suck.”

“Crap. Yeah please don’t do that again. I mean I wouldn’t be able to deal with them being all mopey.” Hitoshi laughed, pointing at me.

“Hey!” I exclaimed offended before pouncing on him. I wrestled with him, ignoring the bounds of laughter behind us. The wrestling went on for a bit but ended up with me pinned by Hitoshi sitting on my back. “Fine I give up.”

“Wimp.” He said. I rolled my eyes before hitting him with a small force field. He flew off my back and I got up and bolted. “Hey! No force fields in the house!”

~Time Skip~

The weeks leading up to class starting were nerve racking. Preparations, the little paperwork, and other things. All that, along with Hitoshi being distant and quiet now and then. Well, more than his normal quiet behavior. The day classes started was the worst yet. We left for school but he hadn’t said one word to me. He wouldn’t even look at me straight.

“Have a good day, Toshi.” I said as we made it in the doors. He nodded and walked off without a word. I sighed and walked to my classroom. I took a breath and walked into the classroom. At least half the class was already here.

“Heyo!” A couple of others waved to me. I shyly waved back. I sat down and kept to myself. The last few showed up and stood in the door. A familiar yellow sleeping bag caught my attention. I rolled my eyes at his antics as the students at the door got spooked. I sighed and got up when he said we are going to do quirk testing.

“What about orientation?” I chuckled when Dad gave out an annoyed sigh. The day went on and I made a few friends. I stayed away from the loud, explosive blonde that had been the subject of the news a while back. The red head Kirishima was really nice and Yayorozo was pretty cool too. I groaned, rubbing the back of my neck as I waited in the classroom for my dad’s to finish.

“So how was your first day kiddo?” Papa came in the door with Dad in tow.

“Exhausting.” I said giving dad a look. He just shrugged. “But no one was expelled. So that was good. I am curious though. What made you not expel that Midoriya kid? Everyone thinks it was just a ploy to make everyone do their best but I know different. So what was that?”

“I saw potential in the kid. Nothing more. See how long he lasts.” He said. Papa and I shared a look.

“Uh huh. Sure.” I said. I got a side, stink eye. I laughed before Papa spoke up.

“So have you talked to Hitoshi today?” I looked at him before looking at the surface of my desk. I shook my head sighing. “What has gotten into that boy? You two barely go a day without talking.” I just shrugged, staring out the window.

The next couple of days passed the same. Hitoshi and I would go to school together, silently. I would wish him a good day and I would either get nod or a wave in response. He did not speak to me much out of necessity at home either. I sighed as I pushed around my breakfast on my plate. I looked up as Hitoshi washed his dishes.

“So how’s school been on you?”

“It’s only been two days.” He said blankly. I flinched. “But how was hero training on you?” He looked over his shoulder at me. “I heard a couple of guys in your class really got into it.”

“Ye-yeah. They did. Apparently they were childhood friends that’s turned into a rivalry or something. It really hyped the rest of us up for our turns.” I said. He hummed and turned back. I bit my lip. I went to say something else but he spoke again.

“Must be nice.” He set the dishes down hard in the drainer. I flinched again. He wiped off his hands and walked towards the front door. “I’m heading out first, see ya later, sis.”

“By…” The front door slammed. I sighed before scraping the remnants of my breakfast and washing my dishes and leaving. I walked to the train station and made it to school. Dad announced we were going to the USJ. The whole class was excited. The day was going to be great. At least that’s what we thought.

“Y/N.” I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up through my haze to see Papa. I had gotten hit pretty hard by some of the villains. Some were able to outsmart me and get around my shields. I was holding my side where I just knew I had a couple of broken ribs.

“Papa.” I whimpered as I tried to move.

“Don’t move too much.” He knelt down. He moved my hair and held my face, checking me over.

“Dad, he…” He shushed me. Someone called him and he looked over his shoulder. I felt myself getting more dizzy. I heard him speak with someone. I collapsed into his lap.

“Y/N!” I heard him yell before I blacked out. I woke up sometime later in Recovery Girl’s office. I groaned as I pushed myself up. I heard the curtain being pulled back.

“Oh good. You’re awake.” Papa said.

“Yes but what about Dad?” He smiled but sighed. He sat down on the edge of the bed.

“He’s holding. He’s beat up pretty bad but he’s strong. You know that.” He brushed hair out of my face. “You dad will be okay.” I nodded. Recovery Girl cleared me and we went home. We walked in the door and Hitoshi shot up from the couch.

“Thank god your back.” He said in relief. I felt emotionally and physically drained so I just walked past him to my room, giving him a small ‘yeah’. “Y/N…” I walked into my room, let my bag drop, and carefully changed clothes before climbing into bed. I heard my door open. “Y/N.”

“I’m fine, Hitoshi.” He heard him pause before he moved forward. I felt him place a hand on my shoulder.

“Are you sure? I mean, you went up against a whole fleet of villains. Real villains. Normally, hero students wouldn’t even see that until…”

“I know. Wouldn’t see that until further into the course. I know Hitoshi.” I sat up. I looked at him. I could see worry laced in his eyes. “I’m fine. I mean I gotta get used to this right? The bad guys, the danger…” I looked down at my hands. “You’re more cut out for this than I am.”

“Y/N…you are cut out for this. I believe in you.” He said grabbing my hand. I looked at it before up at him.

“You have a funny way of showing it, Hitoshi.” I deadpanned before pulling my hand from his and turning over with my back to him. I could almost feel the surprise rolling off of him. “Goodnight, Hitoshi.”

“I, um, goodnight.” He left my room without another word.

@spicy-therapist-mom @dxnaii-rxse

[tyongxnct]

𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑚𝑒 𝑜𝑟 𝑙𝑒𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑚𝑒 - 𝐽𝑢𝑛𝑔 𝐽𝑎𝑒𝘩𝑦𝑢𝑛

pairing: Jaehyun x reader

special guests: Johnny, Doyoung and Jaemin.

Genre: angst, marriage!au, cheating!au

warnings: cheating, fainting, mentions of sex If you don’t feel comfortable reading about cheating, then feel free to skip this story. :)

word count: a little more than 12k

song rec: love me or leave me by little mix

note: I’m not a therapist or a doctor. The scenes in the hospital and at the couple therapy are just how I imagined it to be.

extra note: I love Jaehyun and this is PURE fiction.

A/N: thanks to my dear friend @kueey​ for proofreading this with me <3 I hope you guys like this story and please don’t get too mad at Jaehyun hihi ENJOY!!

ps: I AM SO EXCITED FOR NCT 2020 I really look forward to everything we’ll get and I’ll forever support OT23.. I hope that each member gets treated well and is happy and healthy. AND I can’t wait any longer for superm hehe

© tyongxnct on all platforms 

“I can’t believe you! Why? I don’t understand?! Why would you do something like that? Why would you try to destroy our marriage?!”, you were furious and heartbroken. After seven years of being together, you never thought that Jaehyun would cheat on you. You never thought that he’d moan someone else’s name while being with you.

You kissed him. “I missed this so much.”, it was hard for you two, both of you were working and you had a four year old daughter and a five year old son. There was never really time for things like sex. It’s been some time since you slept together, and you couldn’t wait anymore. You missed having Jaehyun close next to you, you missed feeling him inside of you and you missed his touch. “You feel so good, Areum.”, you pushed him away. “W-what?”, you asked, maybe you misheard him. “What do you mean?”, he tried to kiss your neck, but you pushed him again. “W-what did you just say? A-Areum?”, and that was the exact moment Jaehyun knew, that he fucked up. Bad. “N-No I-I didn’t...”, he stuttered. “Get off of me!”, you pushed him again and crawled against the bed rest. “Who is Areum?!” “No one, baby. I’m sorry.”, he tried to get closer again, but you stretched out your hand to stop him. “Don’t come closer! Stop lying to me! Tell me now Jaehyun or I will leave, and you’ll never get the chance to explain!” “Baby- I... It’s... She’s someone from work...” “And?”, you were getting angrier every second. “I-It’s I promise you I’ll never do it again and it’s been weeks since the last time I-”, he couldn’t even look at your face. “Since you what?”, 

“Since I-I slept with her.”, his voice got quieter and quieter. You got up and put on your clothes as fast as you could. “Baby just listen to me. I swear I’m so sorry-”, Jaehyun tried to reach for your arms but you stepped back and looked at him with disgust in your eyes. “For how long?” “Baby-”, “No Jaehyun! Answer the question!”, you couldn’t even cry. “Three months I think...”, a tear fell down Jaehyun’s cheek.

Your man was sleeping with another woman for three months, if he was telling the truth of course.

“You had an affair for three months?”, you were heartbroken. You were fully dressed and opened your bedroom door to leave, but he stopped you, this fight needed to end in the bedroom, your little kids were asleep, and they shouldn’t witness what was happening right now. “No. Don’t go, baby. I’m sorry. I stopped seeing her, I love you.”

“You love me? Funny, last time I checked you said Areum. You said her name! I can’t even look at you! You disgust me so much! What kind of a husband are you huh?! What were you even thinking?!”, tears were finally falling down your cheeks, you couldn’t stop them from falling so you just let them. 

“I said that I’m sorry! I stopped seeing her. I will never do it again, I love you!”, he screamed back at you.

“I can’t believe you! Why? I don’t understand?! Why would you do something like that? Why would you try to destroy our marriage?!”

You really wanted to know why Jaehyun would throw away a 7 year old relationship.

“Look, we didn’t have any second for us in the past, I don’t know, five months and I missed you so much but you were always working and you never had time for me! I felt... lonely or some shit, I don’t know and... and she was there for me in those three months...”, did he just say it was all your fault?

“So, you are telling me that this is my fault? Because I am working and raising two children. You think I was the one who never had time? When you fucked another woman, I was home alone with your kids! You lied to me and now you are fucking blaming me?!”, he couldn’t be serious. “I am the one suffering from all of this! I am suffering right now because of you and you are still blaming me?! I tried so hard to be a good wife, mother, friend and employee and I am still not enough?”, your voice was quiet. Jaehyun felt like he was never good enough for you, he was just ordinary while you were amazing at everything you did. Jaehyun felt like a piece of shit and he needed someone to tell him that he was also good enough, and instead of talking to his wife, he decided to talk to his co-worker and that led to more. 

“What suffering?! I am still with you, I could have left you and stayed with her instead but I chose you!”, words were coming out of his mouth without him processing it, he said things he didn’t mean and he wanted to take them back, but he couldn’t. 

You slapped him. You slapped him so hard that his brain started working again. He deserved it. 

“You chose me? Nobody asked you for that. You are right, maybe you should have stayed with her.”, he looked at you for the first time now, his hand was on his cheek and his heart clenched. 

“I- I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it.”, he cried as he tried to take his words back.

You couldn’t think straight, and you couldn’t stay with him, you needed to leave. Right now.

You opened the bedroom door and put on your shoes as fast as you could. “Don’t leave me, please. Baby don’t go. It’s late... let’s talk about it. Please don’t leave me.”, he was begging you. Without a second glance, you took the keys for your car and left the apartment you shared so many great memories with and now with the worst.

Jaehyun was on his knees crying his heart out. He needed you to come back to him, you needed to know that he was sorry and that he didn’t mean it. 

“Dad?”, Jaemin held his little sister’s hand and watched his father. His little daughter looked confused and his son looked sad.

“My babies why are you up?”, he tried to cover his tears as he walked up to his kids. "You were loud, daddy. Are you crying, daddy?”, she asked her dad as she placed her little hand on his cheek. “Why are you awake, dad?”, his son asked.

“Daddy had a nightmare, but I feel better now. Thanks to you.”, he placed a kiss on his daughter’s forehead and on his son’s. “Tell mommy to give you a goodnight kiss, that helps every time.”, he tried so hard not to cry in front of his kids. “Okay, I’ll tell her, but you have to sleep now, it’s late.”

“Daddy can you sing for me? Mommy always sings me to sleep.”, how could he say no to his one and only daughter. 

Jaehyun didn’t sleep for the whole night, he waited for you to come back, but you didn’t. 

You were driving around Seoul. You didn’t know what to do. Go back home? You couldn’t let your kids notice what was happening between you and Jaehyun and Jaehyun... your heart was broken, and it needed time. You decided to call the only person who could help you right now. Johnny.

“Good morning, what can I do for you at this hour?”, Johnny, one of your oldest friends asked, still half asleep. It was 7 am on a Sunday, of course he was still asleep.

“Hey, Johnny. Sorry for waking you up-”, your voice trembled.

“Did you fucking cry?”, he always knew that something was wrong. “I-…Yes..., Johnny, Jaehyun had an affair.”

“I’m sorry what? What did you just say?”, he didn’t want to believe it. “He slept with his co-worker for three months. I f-found out last night and I didn’t know what to do… so I l-left.”, you started crying. 

“I can’t believe this, where are you? I’m coming to you.”, Johnny didn’t want to leave you alone.

“No, I’m fine, well not fine but Jaehyun and the kids need you. I left last night just like that, and I want to go to my babies, but I-I Johnny I just can’t face him. It hurts so much.”, you tried to stop your tears from falling but you couldn’t.

“Okay, you don’t have to worry, I’ll go to them. But please tell me that you are safe and text me whenever you need me. Do you know where you want to stay already?”, you knew you could count on him. “I have a friend from work I could ask.”, Johnny was the brother you never had, and you were his sister he never had. You were friends since kindergarten, and he was actually the one who introduced you to Jaehyun in college.

“Alright, just let me know you’re safe.”

“Thank you, Johnny.”

“Always.” 

Jaehyun was playing with Minah and Jaemin on the floor as he tried to distract his kids. “Daddy is mommy coming back today?”, Minah asked him.

He hoped.

“I don’t really know, baby. Don’t you enjoy playing with your daddy?”, he asked her. “Daddy is the best!”, she hugged him, and tears were forming in his eyes. 

The doorbell rang and Jaehyun and his kids jumped up and hoped to see you standing there, but it was Johnny.

“Uncle Johnny!”, Minah loved her uncle Johnny. “Hey there princess.”, he hugged Minah and high fived Jaemin “Wow, Jaemin. You are growing up so fast.”, and as he looked at his friend, he saw nothing but pain in his eyes.

“Jaemin and Minah, why don’t you go to your room to play. I’ll be there in 5 minutes to play with you, okay?”, Johnny asked the little kids. 

“Why are you here?”, Jaehyun asked. “Is it wrong to look after my friend and his kids?”, Johnny took off his jacket and sat down in the living room.

“She called you, didn’t she? Where is she? Johnny please tell me, I need to know where she is.”, he begged his friend now.

“Listen, Jaehyun, I know that this between you two, but please tell me what in the world did you think you were doing?”

Jaehyun sat down next to him and started crying silently so his kids wouldn’t notice. “Johnny I’m a terrible husband. I fucked up so bad. I-I thought everything was over but-”, he hid his face in his hands. “I fucking said someone else’s name while being with my wife. I am so sorry. I need her I can’t live without her.”

Jaehyun told Johnny everything that has happened last night. Johnny was shocked to hear his friend do such thing. Never did he think that Jaehyun would do that to you. He loved you way too much.

“I am speechless.”

“D-Do you hate me now, too?”, Jaehyun was scared to lose everyone.

“No, I don’t hate you but… you really broke her heart and I don’t know If she’ll stay with you after this.”, he was honest. 

“Johnny I can’t lose her, I’d do anything.”

“It won’t be easy, that’s all I can say. But I’m here for you.”

It’s been three days since you left. You were missing your kids so much, it hurt you so much to be far away from them. You were staying with one of your friends from work, Soobin. She was always there for you and she invited you with open arms.

You decided to talk to your babies, they probably missed you, too. You dialed Jaehyun’s number, you were scared, and your hands were shaking. 

“(Y/n)? H-hello-”, you interrupted Jaehyun before he could say anything more. His voice sounded different. “I want to talk to my kids.”

“A-Aren’t you going to... come back?”, he whispered. 

“I just want to talk to Minah and Jaemin.”

“Okay... Baby? It’s mommy.”

“Mommy!! Mommy I missed you so much!”, Minah said as she talked to her mother after a long time.

“God, baby. Mommy missed you, too. I love you so much, baby. I promise you I’ll come to you as soon as I can.”, you tried to stop your tears.

“Mommy don’t cry. I want to play with you mommy but playing with daddy is also cool. And mommy, Jaemin is not nice! He never wants to play with me.”, she cried into the phone. 

“Okay baby, I’ll talk to him. Can you give me your brother now? I love you.”

“I love you too mommy. Jaemin!! It’s mommy!”

Jaemin was angry, even though he’s just five he noticed that you and Jaehyun were fighting.

“Hello? Jaemin baby can you hear me?”

“Yes.”

“Baby I missed you so much. How are you?”, you wanted to talk to him, but he was too angry at you.

“I don’t miss you! I hate you! Dad is crying because of you! I hate you!”, your heart stopped beating. Your son just told you that he hated you. Your own son. You cried, it hurt so much. You didn’t know what to do.

“Baby I’m sorry. I-”

“No! -”

“Jaemin why are you behaving like that? That’s not nice. You are talking to your mother-”, Jaehyun tried to calm his son down.

“No! I hate you!”, he suddenly also screamed at Jaehyun. Jaemin threw the phone on the floor and ran in his room.

Minah started crying and you heard it all, but you couldn’t do anything. Your heart broke at the sound of your babies crying and yelling. Your son hates you. 

Jaehyun took his phone and heard you crying. 

“I’m sorry he didn’t mean it. Don’t take it to heart, he’s... he’s just angry right now. I’ll handle it, okay? Don’t worry.”, Jaehyun wanted you to stop crying but you just couldn’t. You missed your family so much; it tore you apart.

“I’m... I’m sorry.”, you hung up and cried yourself to sleep. Again.

Two days later, you decided to call Johnny. 

“Hey Johnny.”

“How are you? You sound miserable.”, he didn’t want to be mean or anything, but you really sounded like you just died three times.

“Thank you. I am miserable. My son hates me, my husband cheated on me and I didn’t see my kids for a week.”

“Jaemin doesn’t hate you. He’s simply scared and sad, he is a little kid, he doesn’t understand what is happening right now, but he gets that you two are fighting. Of course, he’s angry. I’d be angry, too. Please stop thinking that way.”

“I don’t know. I’m trying so hard but I just- it’s so hard. How’s Jaehyun?”, you asked him. Of course, you were still worried, you love him and even though he broke your heart, he’s the father of your children.

“He’s sick. I mean like seriously he has fever and all that stuff, I was there this morning, he ate some soup but he’s like sick. The kids are always in their rooms playing. He told me to leave, that he’d handle it, but I don’t know. I was going to look after them tonight.”

Jaehyun was sick. You didn’t want to, but you were so worried right now that you decided to go to your family. They needed you and you needed them.

“I’ll go. Thank you for everything.”

“Are you sure?”, Johnny asked.

“I need to be with my family.”

After the phone call with Johnny, you dressed up and drove to your home. It was strange to go there after a week, you missed it so much and you wished that it was all a bad nightmare, but as soon as you arrived in front of your home, you felt all the pain in your heart again.

You opened the door and took off your jacket and shoes. Scenes of the night you left played in front of your eyes. How Jaehyun was crying his heart out and how betrayed you felt.

You saw your husband laying on the couch with your son next to him. Father and son were sleeping, and a smile placed on your face. It warmed your heart to see the two like that. 

But you couldn’t let your son sleep so close to his sick father. You carried your son to his bed and let him sleep there. On your way back you stopped at your daughters’ room and saw her also sleeping. She’s beautiful and you missed your kids so much. You would never leave them again. No matter what would happen. 

You went back to Jaehyun and tried to slowly wake him up. “Jaehyun. Jaehyun wake up, let’s get you to bed.”

Jaehyun slowly opened his eyes and he saw your beautiful face. “Am... Am I still dreaming?”, he put his hand on your cheek. 

“Jaehyun, stop it and get up. I can’t carry you to bed.”, you didn’t want him to touch you, so you pushed his hand away.

“I can’t believe you are real. I love you.”, Jaehyun looked and sounded so sick. His nose was red, and he was shivering. “I’m so cold.”

After you put Jaehyun to bed, you placed your hand on his forehead, just to see how hot he was. “You are burning.”

Jaehyun could hardly open his eyes, but he needed to see you. He missed you so much, he didn’t even know if you were real or not. 

You went to the bathroom and came back with wet towels. “Jaehyun you need to take off your shirt.”

He slowly tried to take off his shirt, but he was too weak. “I’ll help you.” You helped him taking off his shirt and then you placed the hot towels on his body. “It’s so cold. The bed is always so cold when you are gone. Please don’t leave, I hate it when it’s cold.”, Jaehyun was talking in his half-awake state.

You tried to ignore him, but you also hated to sleep without him next to you, but after what he had done, you were too disgusted. 

Jaehyun fell asleep again and you decided to cook a soup and you looked at your home, it was a mess. Well, you could imagine Johnny trying to clean up, but with a sick Jaehyun and two kids, it’s not easy. You cleaned the floor in the living room, putting the toys back to their right places and after that you cleaned up the kitchen a little. The soup was done and then you heard your little daughter crying. She woke up.

“Baby, Mommy is here it’s okay. Stop crying.”, you picked her up and she stopped crying immediately. “Mommy! Mommy I missed you so much!”

“I missed you to honey. I love you so much.”

After playing with your daughter, your son also woke up. “My little man I missed you so much.”, you were about to hug him, but he stepped back. “No! I don’t want you here!”, it hurt you so much to hear that.

“I’m so sorry. I promise I’ll never leave again. It was an emergency I needed to go baby, but I’m back. Didn’t you miss your mom?”

“No, I didn’t I want dad not you!”, your son ran to his dad’s room and jumped on the bad to hug his dad. Jaehyun woke up as his son jumped around. “I don’t want mommy!”, your son cried into his dad’s arms.

“Jaemin I told you to stop saying that.”, Jaehyun sounded so weak. So fragile. 

You decided to leave your son with Jaehyun, you didn’t want him to cry anymore. 

After seeing Jaehyun so sick you thought of calling your mutual friend, who was a doctor. Kim Doyoung.

Doyoung told you that he’d be here in an hour and you poured the soup into a bowl and placed Jaehyun’s food next to him on the nightstand. 

Jaehyun still looked half-asleep. “I need you so much.”, he whispered. You son was back in his room, playing on his own with his car toys.

“I called Doyoung, he’ll be here soon.”, you just said.

You knew that Jaehyun was too weak to eat on his own and you weren’t heartless.

“You need to finish this, okay? Open your mouth.”, you were sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to leave space between you two, so you could just help him eat.

You didn’t look at him, your eyes where everywhere except for his eyes. But Jaehyun, Jaehyun was watching all your moves, and he tried to look at your beautiful face and eyes, but you wouldn’t let him.

After he ate up the doorbell rang. You opened the door and saw Doyoung standing there. “Thank you so much for coming. He’s so sick and you know how he feels in hospitals.”

“No problem, I told you guys whenever you need me, I’d be here.”

Doyoung checked Jaehyun up and it was easy to tell why he was sick. You stood at the door and watched them.

“Were you stressed lately?”, Doyoung asked. 

You looked on the floor, and Jaehyun looked at you and then back at Doyoung.

“Yes.”

“Alright, so your body couldn’t handle the stress and that’s how you got sick. You need to avoid stress and you need to stay calm. I’ll give you some pain killers and stay in bed. If anything else happens, just call me. But that’s it for now.”

Jaehyun’s regret and worry ate him up and he was so stressed after you left, that his body reacted like that, your heart clenched, but it wasn’t your fault, you told yourself.

After you thanked Doyoung, he left, and you made dinner for your kids. Jaemin didn’t talk to you but Minah never left your side. 

“Mommy is daddy dying?”, she suddenly asked.

“What? Of course not? Why would you think that?”, you were shocked to hear you daughter ask such a question.

“I don’t know, Jaemin said daddy is dying.”, she shrugged her shoulders and played with her doll.

You seriously needed to talk with him, you knew that he was just sad and scared, but it was too much now. 

You sat Minah on her chair and then you called Jaemin because dinner’s ready. After you called him two times, he didn’t come so you decided to look after him.

“Jaemin, dinner’s waiting for you.”, he was playing with his dinosaurs and ignored you.

“Jaemin?”

“I don’t want to!”, here we go again. “Jaemin you are making mommy really sad. Why do you hate me? I love you so much.”

“Dad always cries, and you screamed at him! You hurt dad!”, oh boy, seeing him like this hurt you so much. 

Jaehyun was standing at the door and listened to his son. It is his fault, not yours. His son should hate him, not you.

“I’m so sorry that you feel that way, don’t be scared, we just talked loud. I don’t want you to think that we were fighting. You know that I love your dad I would never hurt him.”, you tried to hug your son, but he ran out of his room, he didn’t even notice Jaehyun standing there.

Jaehyun looked at you, his heart hurt. Everything was his fault and now you were really suffering the most. How could he tell his son, that he was wrong? That his father is a piece of shit. A cheater. How could he tell his son, that he broke his mother’s heart?

You were still sitting on the floor, with your hands you covered your face and cried. You tried to be quiet but Jaehyun was right there.

He was right behind you now and he placed his hand on your shoulder. “I’m sorry, please stop crying. I’ll talk to him. I’ll tell him that it’s... that I’m the one who hurt you.”

“D-Don’t touch me.”, you ignored his words as you backed away. “Just go back to bed.”

You wiped away your tears and left Jaehyun alone, his eyes followed you. It hurt him that you react like that to his touches, but he understood. It hurt him, but you were way more hurt.

Back in the kitchen you helped Minah eating her food and Jaemin just looked at his. “Why is dad not with us?”, he asked. 

“Your dad is sick and needs to sleep. I’ll bring him his soup after you eat.”

“I won’t eat without dad.”, he said now. 

“Jaemin, he would love to eat with you-” “I want dad!”, he yelled now. There was no other way. “Okay I’ll get him.”

You went to your bedroom and opened the door slowly. Jaehyun wiped his tears away as fast as he could but you saw it. There was no point in hiding. 

“Uhm, Jaemin won’t eat without you. C-Could you sit with us?”, you asked slowly.

“Y-Yes I’ll be there. Just give me a second.”, he said, and you nodded.

You went back to the kitchen and sat down “Dad’s coming.”, you smiled at your son. Your daughter was eating with her fingers and you watched her. You love her so much and you were ready to do anything for your kids’ happiness.

Jaehyun came and sat next to your son. “Dad! Let’s eat together!”, Jaemin finally started eating.

“Do you want your soup now or later?”, you asked Jaehyun. 

“Now, please.”, he watched his kids eating and it felt almost like before.

Jaehyun was eating his soup and your kids were also eating. Everyone was eating except you.

“Mommy aren’t you hungry?”, Minah asked.

“No, I’m not hungry.”, you said. “But Mommy you always tell us to eat even if we are not hungry. You need to eat, too!”, after that one night, you lost your appetite. You rarely ate, most of the times you would just eat an apple.

“I’ll eat later, okay? You need to finish first.”

“Okay mommy.”

Minah and Jaemin played around with Jaehyun and you were just sitting there and tried to stop the pain. You tried to forget everything, but you couldn’t.

It was already 10pm and your kids were already sleeping. You didn’t know what exactly to do. Jaehyun was in bed and you were sitting on the couch in the living room. 

What was going to happen next? Are you just going to sleep next to him and act like nothing happened? Are you just going to pretend that everything was fine?

You decided to take a hot bath, but first you made Jaehyun a hot tea. You opened the door to the bedroom and saw him sitting there and looking helpless. His nose was still red.

“I made you some tea.”, you put the tea on the nightstand and Jaehyun watched you. 

“Thank you.”, suddenly he held your wrist before you could leave. “W-Where is it?”, he asked. “What do you mean?”, first, you didn’t understand. “Where is the ring? Where’s the wedding ring?”, he was so scared of your answer.

“I took it off.”, you just said, avoiding his gaze.

“Y-You took it off. Why?”, his voice trembled. “It didn’t feel right to wear it.”

“B-But you promised. You promised me that you’d never take it off! You promised me that you’d always wear it.”, tears fell down his cheeks. He was so desperate. It was your wedding ring. The ring that showed that you two belonged together. 

You were angry. How could he say something like that and cry? How could he act like you were the first one to break a promise? You looked into his eyes for the first time. 

“And you promised me to be faithful. You promised me to never break my heart. You promised me to never hurt me and always love me.”, you pulled away your arm from his grip and stepped back. 

“I guess promises are meant to be broken.”

You turned on your heel and went to the bathroom. After you closed the door behind you, you started crying. You tried to be as quiet as possible but Jaehyun heard you. 

You were right. He broke so many promises he made. Jaehyun broke your heart and he’s scared that you’ll never forgive him. You cried and cried and didn’t leave the bathroom for the next two hours. You were finally home but it didn’t feel like it. You were finally with your kids, but your son hated you. Your words really hit Jaehyun. There was no way that you’d forgive him. He was clueless and he regretted everything so much, he didn’t know what to do.

You couldn’t sleep at all that night. You were sleeping on the couch in the living room, but you were scared that your kids would see you. You were worried about the future. What is going to happen to your marriage? The voice in your head always reminded you that ‘Your husband cheated on you’, you couldn’t stop the voice in your head. But it was the reality you had to face.

Minah was the first to wake up. “Good morning baby.”, you lifted her up and kissed her cheeks. “Mommy I’m hungry.” You heard your son waking up and he opened your bedroom door and jumped on the bed.

“Dad wake up!”, he jumped around. 

With Minah in your arms, you went to your bedroom and saw Jaehyun slowly waking up. “Jaemin your dad is still sick. He needs to rest.”.

“It’s alright. I’m feeling better.”, he smiled at his son. “I want to play with daddy, too!”, your daughter said. You placed your daughter on Jaehyun’s lap. “I’ll prepare breakfast.” 

You would never destroy the relationship between Jaehyun and your kids. Jaehyun’s a great dad, no, a wonderful dad. When you told him that you were pregnant with Jaemin he was so excited. He was so careful with you and fulfilled every wish you had. Even after you gave birth, he never left your side and helped you as much as he could. Jaehyun told you that he wanted 10 kids with you, when you got married and even after Minah he didn’t want to stop having kids. 

You smiled at the memory. You started to blame yourself. After giving birth to two kids, your body didn’t look like before. You felt ugly, of course Jaehyun would cheat on you. Look at you. You look like an ugly piece of shit, you thought.

Your thoughts were interrupted with Jaehyun coming into the kitchen with both of your kids in his arms. “Let’s help mommy”, he said and put his kids down.

Suddenly you got angry. Did he think that you can’t even prepare a simple breakfast? You don’t need help. You are strong. 

“I can handle it.”, you said coldly. 

“No, it’s alright, I can help you.”, he wanted to take the pan from your hand. “No, Jaehyun. I don’t need your help.”, you raised your voice a little. You totally forgot that the kids were also in the kitchen.

You hated to be like this in front of the kids, but you couldn’t control your anger. Jaehyun looked at you with an open mouth. Before you could say anything, the doorbell rang. Luckily, your kids were busy with playing on the kitchen floor, you hoped that they didn’t hear your voice raising at Jaehyun.

You went to open the door and saw Johnny standing there with Donuts. “Morning. I have donuts!”, he was happy to see you finally home. He knew that it was hard for you and that’s why he visited you guys. 

“Thank you John-”, before you could finish your sentence, everything went black and you passed out. The last thing you heard was Johnny telling Jaehyun to call an ambulance. 

Jaehyun called the ambulance and ran to you and Johnny. “What... What happened? (Y/n)? Can you hear me? Baby please open your eyes.”, Jaehyun held you in his arms and he totally forgot about his kids who were watching the scene. Johnny saw them standing there and lifted both kids up and brought them to their room. “What is happening to my... my mom?”, Jaemin cried. He was so scared. Your daughter was already crying and screaming. She was also totally scared, and she didn’t understand what was happening. 

“She’ll be fine, don’t worry. You dad’s going to the hospital, they’ll look after her. Don’t worry.” Johnny tried to cheer the kids up, but he also didn’t know what was happening. 

Jaehyun was holding you and crying. It felt like hours until the ambulance came. He never let go of you. 

You woke up in a bright room. You didn’t know where you were or what happened. Your eyes slowly got used to the bright lights and then you saw Jaehyun sitting next to you on a chair, eyes closed. 

You tried to take your hand away, but he didn’t let go. You slowly tried to sit up and Jaehyun also woke up. 

“You’re awake. How are you feeling? Wait never mind, I’ll just call the doctor.” before you could say anything he ran out of the room and called the doctor. 

He came back with the doctor and held your hand again as he sat down next to you. 

“How are you feeling, Mrs. Jung?”, he asked you as he looked through your file.

“I don’t know. I guess I’m alright.”, the doctor couldn’t heal the pain in your heart, obviously. 

“I need to ask you some question. When was the last time you ate something?”, he looked at you and Jaehyun, too. You felt uncomfortable.

“Uhm, I- can’t answer that.”, you looked down.

“Why?”, he asked. “Because I don’t know.”, you answered quietly. Jaehyun looked at you with worry written all over his face. 

The doctor wrote something down and looked back at you. “And sleep? Can you sleep or are you having trouble with that?”

You nodded slowly “It’s hard to fall asleep.”

“How long did you sleep last night?”

“Not at all.”, you didn’t want Jaehyun to know that.

“And the night before?”, the doctor asked. “Maybe two hours?”, you weren’t sure. “Were you stressed lately?”, why is everybody asking you and Jaehyun this. Is it that obvious?

“Y-Yes.”, you finally freed your hand out of Jaehyun’s, who was in his own world right now. This needs to stop, first Jaehyun got sick because of the stress and now you were in the hospital.

“Well, your body needs energy. You must eat to produce energy. And sleep is especially important. Your body and mind need to recover, it seems like your body couldn’t handle it anymore. I don’t know what is going on in your private life, but I recommend you to see a psychologist. Your mental state is connected to your body, and If you don’t do anything about it, your body will also suffer. I’ll give you some vitamins you need to take, and you need to stay for tonight, we need to make sure, you won’t pass out again. Any questions?”, the doctor told you all of this in one go and you knew that it was true. But it was so hard for you. Every time you closed your eyes, you saw the fight in front of you. Every time you ate something, you thought of you husband with someone else and you couldn’t continue eating.

“No. Thank you.”, you said, 

“That’s it then. I hope you get well soon.”, you tried to smile at him, but you were too weak.

After the doctor left, you mind wandered to your kids. “The kids- Jaehyun! The kids, where are my kids?”, you totally forgot that Johnny came to visit.

“They are with Johnny. Don’t worry, he came before you... passed out.”, he looked down, to ashamed to be the reason that you were laying in a hospital bed.

“Where’s my phone?”, you asked. “At home. You can use mine.”, he handed you his. 

You looked at the phone in is hand. Did he saved her number? Did he text her? Is he still texting her? Do they have pictures together? You had thousand questions. “C-Call Johnny. FaceTime.”, you would never touch that phone. After two rings, Johnny answered. 

“Hey, are you guys alright? Where’s (Y/n)?”, he asked. Jaehyun turned the phone to you. “I’m fine, Johnny. Thank you. Can I talk to the kids?”

“Sure. Minah. Jaemin. It’s your mom.”, he handed the phone Jaemin, who was sitting next to Minah. “Mommy! Where are you?”, Minah started crying. “Baby don’t cry. Daddy and I are staying together. Don’t worry okay? We’ll come back home tomorrow.”, you didn’t want to tell her that you were staying at the hospital.

“Jaemin, baby? Can you be a good big brother and look after your sister? I love you two so much.”, your son didn’t say a word. He started crying and you did, too. It broke your heart that he didn’t talk to you. “Daddy.”, Minah cried out. “Yes baby?”, he came closer and he could also be seen now. “Daddy give Mommy a kiss. That will help her. Mommy always kisses us when we are sick.”, she insisted, while crying. Jaehyun and you wanted to stop your daughter from crying and that’s why you nodded after he asked you with his eyes. 

He slowly placed a kiss on your forehead. You had your eyes closed and you missed him so much that it hurt to feel his lips on your skin again. Jaehyun’s eyes were also closed and the kiss felt like forever.

After the call ended, you watched the sun go down. Jaehyun was outside, getting your food. You still didn’t want to eat. But after what happened today, you didn’t want to scare your kids like this again.

He brought you tomato soup, salat and rice with some meat. The soup reminded you, that Jaehyun was still sick.

“Jaehyun.”, you said. “Yes? Is it too hot?”, he asked.

“No, just- You’re still sick, you should rest and eat this, you need it more than I do.”, he looked at you like you were crazy.

“What? No. I’m totally fine. You need to finish all of this and then you’ll sleep. I’m feeling way better.”, you were the most important person for him.

“But-”

“No but’s. I’ll just buy myself a sandwich or something.”

“This is too much for me. Let’s share. I know that you love tomato soup.”, his heart flipped as you said this. You know everything about him. He didn’t answer, just watched you. “Jaehyun?”

“Mhm?”

“I said let’s share the soup. Please?”

How could he say no to the most beautiful woman he has ever seen?

After sharing your soup, you slowly finished the rest. It was awkward that Jaehyun was just sitting next to you on the chair. “Jaehyun, go home.”

“What? Why?”

“The chair is uncomfortable, I know that you can’t stand hospitals, and you are sick, and the kids need you-”, he interrupted you “And I need you, and I won’t go anywhere without you. I don’t care If I sleep on this chair or on the floor. I just want to be with you.”

You looked at him for a second and then you hid your face under your blanket. You didn’t know what exactly you felt when he said that, but you felt so many things.

Pain, love, longing. 

You were so exhausted that you fell asleep and Jaehyun watched you. He was scared that it could be the last time he saw your face. Jaehyun couldn’t let you go. He wouldn’t. But what if you do leave him one day? 

Jaehyun and you were finally home. Your kids were at the kindergarten thanks to Johnny. You called in sick for work and Jaehyun did too. You two barely spoke since last night. Whenever he said something, he got short replies from you. 

You were laying on the couch and Jaehyun was in the kitchen cooking breakfast, even though you weren’t hungry, but he insisted. 

Jaehyun was worried. He was determined to cook for you and keep you healthy.  He heard some voices from the living room and thought that you were watching TV or something. But as he stood behind you, he leaned against the doorframe and watched you watching your wedding videos. 

You were so bored, that you decided to watch the happy times. You wanted to see how it was to be happy and in love. You missed that feeling, you missed Jaehyun looking at you like he did on your wedding day. 

In the next clip, you were slow dancing with Jaehyun. Your first dance as a married couple. Everything was perfect. Too good to be true.

Jaehyun heard you sniffing and knew that you were crying again. He placed your breakfast on the table and sat down next to you. Not too close, he didn’t want you to back away or something.

“What happened to us?”, you asked him with a trembling voice. “We were so happy.”

The next clip was the day you gave birth to Jaemin. Jaehyun was crying and he held your hand. “Come on baby, you got this. You are incredible. I love you so much.”

“I love you Jaehyun- Oh god!”, you screamed as you were giving birth. Jaehyun supported you as much as he could. He let you squeeze his hand, scream and yell at him because of the pain you were going through.

“I... I don’t know...”, Jaehyun looked at you and then back at the TV. It was Jaemin’s first birthday. 

“I am not hungry.”, you said. Because you really weren’t.

“You need to eat something. The Doctor strictly told you to-”, he tried to convince you, but you were to angry. 

“I don’t care! I don’t fucking care!”, you yelled at him suddenly. You watched your son smiling happily at you but now, now he hated you. The smile on Jaemin’s face triggered something in you. “This is all your fault! Everything is your fucking fault!”

“I know. I’m sorry. Just eat a little-”, he tried to calm you down.

“I don’t want to eat something I want my son! You did this to me! He hates me because of you! My son hates me. He hates me.”, you were covering your face as you cried. Jaehyun was sitting next to you, helpless. 

“My own son hates me for something I didn’t even do. I don’t deserve all of this. I don’t know what I did wrong.”

“I’ll talk to him, please stop crying. You didn’t do anything wrong.”, Jaehyun’s heart arched.

“You will talk to him?”, your blood shot eyes looked at him now. “What are you going to tell him? ‘I cheated on your mother Jaemin.’ huh? ‘You mother didn’t do anything wrong; it was me who fucked someone else.’?! What are you going to tell him?!”, your voice got louder every second. 

Jaehyun was also crying now. “I-I don’t know. Are you ever going to forgive me? I know I fucked up big time and it was the biggest mistake in my life.”, he was about to hold your hand, but you pulled away.

“A mistake you did for three whole months. Why did you even stop? Got too bored with her? Were you looking for someone else to fuck? Two women weren’t enough for you?”, she was furious, and she wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt her. 

“Don’t say that. You are the only one for me, (Y/n). I... You were -are- too good for me. I didn’t know how to express my feelings. I know I made a mistake for months, but I was scared!”, he tried to wipe away his tears, but it didn’t help, tears were falling down his cheeks.

“Obviously, I wasn’t the only one. Would you ever tell me about it? If you hadn’t... If I hadn’t found out that night would you have ever told me?”

Would he? He didn’t know. 

“I-I don’t know...”

You didn’t say anything to this.

“Maybe we should just get a div-”, you said but Jaehyun interrupted you. “Don’t you ever dare say that word. I won’t leave you. Ever. I know you don’t trust me, but I’ll do anything to gain your trust again. I’ll do anything you want me to. I love you so much, I can’t live without you. Please don’t leave me.”, he was on his knees now, looking up to your eyes and then his face fell into your lap and he cried. 

The scene in front of you was heartbreaking. You looked at the TV and saw the clip of you and Jaehyun with Jaemin, a couple hours after you gave birth to Minah. Jaehyun cried out of happiness on the screen and now he was crying and holding onto you like you would disappear if he let go.

“I’ll be better. I promise you I’ll be the man you deserve. I promise you I’ll never hurt you again. Please don’t leave me. I love you. I love you so much.”, he cried and as you put your hand on his head and stroked his hair, you thought that maybe, just maybe, you could work things out.

 “Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Jung. I’m Dr. Hwang. Since it is your first time here, it would be great if you could tell me a little about yourselves and your relationship.”

A week after your last fight with Jaehyun, you decided to go to couple therapy. You thought, maybe a professional could help you go through all of this. 

“Let’s start with you, Mrs. Jung.”, she smiled at you. 

Jaehyun was sitting on the other edge of the couch and felt uneasy. He feared someone else knowing about what kind of terrible husband he is. He was ashamed and he knew how hard it was for you. 

“Well, I’m 28 and I’m working in a publishing company. That’s basically it.”, you didn’t know what other information she needed to know. 

“Do you have any hobbies? What are you doing in your free time?”, she asked. 

“If playing with my kids and cooking count as a hobby, then yes. And free time. I don’t know, I don’t actually have time for myself.”, you answered honestly.

“Alright. Now you Mr. Jung.”

“Well, I’m 29 and I work as a manager in a company. And I don’t have any hobbies.”

“Okay, thank you. Now please tell me how you two met and about your relationship in general.”

“We met in college.”, Jaehyun began talking with a smile on his face as he remembered how he met you. “It may sound cliché, but we didn’t like each other at first. We teased each other a lot. She looked so cute when she got mad and one day, I couldn’t handle her cuteness, so I just kissed her to shut her up and that’s basically it. I never loved anyone else since that day.”

You smiled, too. You remembered that day so well. You always had a crush on Jaehyun since the first day you met. Who wouldn’t? You were so shy at first but after he started teasing you, you teased him, too. The way you two looked at each other every time while teasing each other, it was like you were waiting for him to kiss you and when he did, you knew that he was the one. The one you’d spend the rest of your life with. The love of your life. 

“That’s a cute story.”, Dr. Hwang smiled. “So please tell me now why you are here.”

It was too hard for you to say it out loud. You waited for Jaehyun to talk about it and he did. He knew it wasn’t easy to talk about it.

“We are here because I... because I cheated on my wife for three months.”, he looked down to his lap.

Dr. Hwang was writing down something as she listened to Jaehyun.

“Okay, please tell me more about it. How and why did you decided to come here? How did it start, and why did you stop?”

“Uhm, my wife found out because I- I said the other, person’s name, while we were... together...”, Jaehyun was so embarrassed. “It started in April, I think, with, uhm, with someone from work. I did it because I felt like I wasn’t good enough for her. (Y/n) is perfect in everything and I am just... me. I felt so little and useless and it is pathetic but I... I needed someone to tell me that I was good enough and... I couldn’t think straight and ended up with the... other person. After the first time I didn’t know what to do. I was too scared to tell (Y/n) and too dumb to stop it. It was our daughter’s birthday when I realized, that I was doing a big mistake and that I was destroying the perfect life I had. And then I broke it off , because I knew that I was hurting my wife, even though she didn’t know it back then. I was disgusted in myself and stopped as soon as I could. I know that nothing justifies my behavior but... I just wanted someone to tell me that I was... good...”

You didn’t know how to feel after he said all of that. Were you hurt because he looked for someone who was there for him? Were you hurt because you weren’t that person? Was everything you fault? 

“Thank you, Mr. Jung. Mrs. Jung please tell me how you felt when you found out.”

That was hard to answer. “Well, I... I felt numb. I didn’t feel anything at first. After I found out, I left for a week. When I was alone I... I realized everything and I only felt pain... After I came back, I was numb again... but everything boiled up in me and I was furious.”

“Okay, thank you. So, I can tell, that you are going through a rough time. Both of you. What do you except to happen, now that you are here?”, she asked. 

“I want my wife to be happy again. I need her to forgive me for everything I’ve ever done because I love her. I want to save our marriage.”

Mrs. Hwang nodded and looked back at you. “I want to save our marriage, too.”

And that was your first session. You looked out of the window as Jaehyun drove home.

“What do you think of her?”, Jaehyun asked after a while. 

“She seemed nice. And you?”

“Yeah. She really seemed nice; I hope she’ll help us.”

After you arrived home it was timer for dinner. Luckily, Johnny watched your kids. He really is the best, you thought.

“Thank you for everything, Johnny. I’m so sorry to drag you into this mess.”, you were cooking dinner with Johnny next to you as Jaehyun played with the kids. 

“I told you guys; I’ll always be there for you. Whatever happens between you two, I’m here for you two. And you know that I love the kids and of course they love me, I mean, Uncle Johnny is way cooler than Uncle Mark.”, he laughed and after a long time, you laughed, too.

Johnny stayed for dinner; it was less awkward. He was talking to Jaehyun and to the kids the whole time. You were playing with your food, slowly eating, because again, you weren’t hungry. Jaehyun watched you from time to time. 

“Mommy??”, you were so deep in thoughts that you didn’t even hear Minah talking to you. 

“Yes honey?”

“Mommy can Uncle Johnny sleep here tonight? Please Mommy!”, Minah said excitingly. 

“But honey-”

“Mommy please?”, Jaemin asked you now. He was careful when he talked to you since you went to the hospital. The next day he saw you at home he cried again and jumped up, he wanted you to lift him up and you did.

“Mommy!”, he cried into your shoulder. “I thought I hurt you because I screamed at you... did you go to the hospital because of me Mommy?”, he cried.

“Oh my god, baby no! No of course not, I love you baby why would you think that.”, you cried, too. 

Minah was in Johnny’s arms and started crying, too. You promised yourself that you’d never scare your kids like this ever again. After that Jaemin was talking to you as if you were fragile and could break any moment, which was the case. 

“I’m sorry Mommy.”, Jaemin held you and never wanted to let go.

“(Y/n)?”, Jaehyun called for you now.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry. Uhm, I don’t know... Johnny?”, you looked at him. “I don’t care actually, It’s up to you guys.”

“It’s fine for me.”, Jaehyun didn’t mind.

“Yes! Thank you! Come on Uncle Johnny let’s watch Toy story!”, Minah jumped in her seat and Jaemin smiled brightly.

You on the other side weren’t that happy. For the past weeks you slept on the couch, you didn’t even think of sleeping in your bed with Jaehyun. But If Johnny stays, he needs a place to sleep. 

Your kids were sleeping already and Jaehyun was talking to Johnny in the living room. You placed a blanket and a pillow on the couch and asked him if that was alright for him.

“Yeah don’t worry about me. Thanks.”

“Okay, uhm. I’m going to bed, good night.”

After a long time, you’d sleep in your bedroom again. You were nervous. After changing your clothes and brushing your teeth, you got under the blankets. It felt strange to be in this bed. You were at the edge, one push you’d fall, but this is also Jaehyun’s bed and you were scared to be too close.

It’s been a couple minutes since you were in bed and were laying on your back, eyes open. 

Jaehyun came in and slowly closed the door. None of you talked and as he went to the bathroom, it felt like you could breathe again.

Jaehyun changed his clothes, brushed his teeth, and came back. 

“(Y/n)?”, he asked. 

“Yes?”, you looked at each other now. “C-Can I sleep here? I can also sleep on the floor If you want me to. Or I can sleep with Joh- okay no, just the floor.”

You wanted to laugh when he mentioned sleeping with Johnny, but he looked just like a lost puppy. “Yes, you can sleep here. It’s also your bed after all.”

He nodded and slowly got under the blankets next to you. It felt like years, being with him in the same bed. Jaehyun was also laying on his back, looking up. He tried to give you as much space as you needed but he wanted to touch you, he wanted to hold your hand and kiss you. Jaehyun wanted to breathe in your smell, the scent of vanilla he loved so much. Jaehyun wanted to tell you that he loves you. But he couldn’t.

He turned to the side to look at you. You felt his gaze on you and turned your face to him. The moon shined brightly tonight and was your only source of light. 

Slowly, his hand got closer to your cheek, he was about to stroke your cheek but as you closed your eyes, he just couldn’t. He didn’t deserve to touch you with his dirty hands. 

You thought he’d place his hand on your cheek but as you opened your eyes, you saw the struggle in his. 

“I’m sorry.”, he pulled his hand back.

“Good night, Jaehyun.”, you said as you turned around, your back now facing him.

“Good night.”

Jaehyun was standing in front of you but it seemed like he didn’t see you or hear you. No matter how loud you screamed, Jaehyun never reacted.

“Jaehyun!”, you screamed again. There was a woman standing next to Jaehyun now, you couldn’t see her face. “Jaehyun!”, you screamed again. Jaehyun pulled the unknown woman closer to him and then he hugged her. “What the- Jaehyun? Can’t you see me? Please, Jaehyun?!”

You couldn’t move no matter how hard you tried, nothing worked. “I missed you so much, baby.”, Jaehyun said to the woman. “No Jaehyun! Please don’t! I’m here! I’m right here!”

The woman’s face was blurry, you couldn’t tell who it was. Jaehyun’s hand pulled her by her head and kissed her. He was kissing the woman right in front of your eyes and there was nothing you could do. “Jaehyun! Don’t do this to me please don’t. Please don’t kiss her!”, you were crying so hard that your sight got blurry. 

“(Y/n)! Do you hear me?!”, you could hear Jaehyun’s voice, but it was impossible. He was kissing her. How could he talk to you while he was kissing the other woman?

“Wake up (Y/n)! Everything’s fine, baby. Open your eyes.”

Nothing is fine. Stop kissing her. 

“It’s just a dream. Please wake up.”, he begged.

A dream? More like a nightmare. 

Suddenly you opened your eyes and you were breathing heavily with sweat everywhere. Your heart hurt and you were scared. Was it just a dream? A nightmare?

“Look at me. It was just a dream.”, Jaehyun held you in his arms as he tried to calm you down. 

You didn’t even notice how hard you were crying. You gripped his shirt with your hands and pulled him closer. Too scared to lose him if you let go.

“It’s okay baby. You are safe now. Everything is alright.”, he placed kisses on your hair as he held you. You were slowly able to breathe in a normal rhythm, but you didn’t let him go.

“It... It was so real. J-Jaehyun it felt so real...”, you whispered. 

Little did you know that you were talking in your sleep. Jaehyun heard you crying out loud and he knew exactly what happened in your dream. 

“I know baby, but it was just a nightmare. It wasn’t real, please stop crying.”

You let him go as you thought about your dream. It wasn’t just a dream. It happened. Jaehyun did that to you. He did kiss another woman.

“L-Let me go...”, you whispered. 

“Are you feeling better now?”, he asked as he slowly let you go.

You shook your head. “Is there anything I can do for you?”, he asked now.

“N-No. Nothing I... I just need- I don’t know what I need.”

You really didn’t know what you need. Everything was happening so fast but at the same time so slow.

“I’m going to take a shower.”, you got up and left him alone in your bed. Jaehyun let out a sigh as he tried to get back to sleep. 

But that night, neither of you got any sleep.

One week past and today was your second couple therapy session.

“Is there anything you want to know, Mrs. Jung? Mr. Jung promised to answer all of your questions.”

He really did. Jaehyun promised to tell you everything you wanted to know. 

“Well, there are some questions I have...”

Jaehyun looked at you but you avoided eye contact.

“Go for it, Mrs. Jung. Just ask.”

You played with your fingers as you tried to ask the questions that bothered you for so long now. “My first question is... uhm... You said it was someone from work... do you, still... like... see her?”, your heart was beating hardly against your chest.

“I- uhm, yes. She’s there when I go to work...”, he was also playing with his fingers now, too scared to see your reaction.

“Okay... d-do you talk to her?”

“No. Not like before. I mean... just a little at our meetings, but like we are all talking, I’m not directly talking to her.”, he tried to explain that he really isn’t talking casually to her. Only when it is totally necessary.

“And you stopped... doing it with her, right?”, you asked even though Jaehyun told you many times that it was long over.

“Yes.”

“I have another question.”

Jaehyun’s eyes were on you again.

“Did you... When you said that you... uhm... chose me. Did you mean it? No, I mean... why? No no... god this is so stupid... Just tell me why you said that and If you were really about to... choose her...”, Jaehyun’s words that night really hurt you. Choosing your wife over your affair? Did Jaehyun really think about that back then?

You didn’t even notice the tears falling.

“I didn’t mean it like that- I... It was always you. I chose to love you many years ago and I still do and forever will love only you. I don’t know why I said that... I guess I tried to tell you that I was also hurt all the time and... It’s just that I thought... think... that I’m worthless. You are perfect. Literally perfect. And I thought you deserve better, you still do, but I love you. I always thought that you’d be happier... without me. I thought it would be better If we”, he let out a sigh, “broke everything off and the best way to this was to... hurt you. I know it’s stupid and If I could I’d go back in time and beat the shit -sorry- out of me.”, he tried to explain that it wasn’t choosing between you and her but between your life without him and your life with him.

Jaehyun was deep in thoughts as he talked, he tried to explain his stupid situation to you as good as he could, so that you could understand him, even a little. 

 You tried to go through everything in your head, but it was too much. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this right now,” you left Jaehyun and Dr Hwang as you tried to calm down. You got inside of your car and tried to breathe. You closed your eyes shut, trying to delete the images in your head. The images of Jaehyun with another woman. It didn’t stop. Whatever you thought of, you ended up with the same image in your mind.

You didn’t even notice that Jaehyun was sitting next to you. Tears also falling down his cheeks. You felt so helpless. You felt like there was nothing you could do to erase the pain.

“(Y/n), please look at me. Please. I’m trying so hard, I’m so sorry.”, Jaehyun cupped your cheeks. He was looking into your eyes and he wiped off your tears. “I’ll do anything for you. As long as you stop crying. I promise you the pain will stop.”

“Do you really think that? Do you really think that it’ll stop? Do you really think that I’ll be able to forgive you and we’ll be happy again?”, you searched for answers in his eyes.

“I know it. I know that we’ll be happy again. That you’ll be happy again. You are the strongest woman I know, and I will do anything in my hand to make you smile again.”

“I hate to be like that but… C-Can you stop working there? I... I don’t want you to be close to her.”, in the deepest of your mind you told yourself that it didn’t matter where he worked. He could do it again. Even if he changed his workplace, how could you be sure that it won’t happen again?

You tried to ignore the voice inside your head.

“If it’s what you want, of course. I told you I’d do anything for you.”

Silence. There was another question in your head, but you feared the answer.

“Jaehyun?”, you asked.

“Yes?”

“Do you still have her number? Or like… anything that involves her on your phone?”, you looked out of the window, you tried to focus so that you wouldn’t cry.

“No, I promise you. There’s nothing that involves her.”

“Okay.”, you sighed. You weren’t sure If you could believe him but at this point it didn’t even matter.

It’s been 8 months since the worst day in your life.

It was a very difficult journey until today. It was hard for you, after the first night you slept in your own bed, you stopped sleeping in the living room. Most of the times you were haunted by nightmares but day after day they became less. You and Jaehyun were close, yet so far from each other. In front of your kids you acted like always, like the happy couple with no failures, but when you were alone, you put a big distance between you two. You never let him touch you and he never tried, knowing how hard it was for you. In those 8 months, you never even kissed. But it was alright, Jaehyun would walk through fire for you.

The furthest of skin ship that happened was a couple months ago when you hugged him. You just hugged him out of nowhere and you didn’t let go for a whole hour. Jaehyun was too scared to put his hands around you but you asked him to.

“Please just hug me back. I need this right now.”

And he slowly hugged you back. Pulling you closer than you already were and softly caressing your hair.

You were still going to couple therapy together. It helped you so much, you wouldn’t know what would’ve happened If you were all alone. Johnny helped you also so much, taking care of the kids and even Jaehyun.

Jaehyun still hates himself. He acted like you were fragile, always trying to make you happy, never crossing any line you set. He came straight home after work and spend all his time with you and your kids. Jaehyun cooks for you to surprise you and he buys a different bouquet of flowers every Sunday for you.

Today, on your son’s sixth birthday, you invited your family and friends to celebrate your baby’s birthday. You never told anyone, except Johnny of course, what happened between you and Jaehyun. You were scared that your dad would rip Jaehyun’s head of and you didn’t want Jaehyun’s parents to know that his son did something as disgusting as that. It was your marriage and it was something between you and Jaehyun, but still, he couldn’t look his and your parents in the eyes. After months, he couldn’t even look you properly in the eyes.

After your son opened his toys, you couldn’t find Jaehyun. You opened your bedroom door and you could hear him crying. He was in the bathroom, sitting on the floor and he covered his face with his hands and just cried.

“Jaehyun?”, you closed the door and kneeled. “Jaehyun why are you crying? Hey, stop crying, Jaemin’s just six… he’s still your little-”

“I-I’m not crying because he’s growing up so fast, well, that’s also a reason but... It’s just…”, he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

You took his hands into your hands and looked at him. His eyes were blood shot red and the tears were falling down, and it seemed like they wouldn’t stop anytime.

“Hey, it’s alright. Look at me- “

“I can’t. I can’t look at you or at our family- I can’t even look at my own children. I just can’t. I don’t deserve any of you. I can’t look at your parents, knowing how much I hurt their daughter. I can’t look at my parents, knowing how disappointed they’d be. I can’t look at you, knowing that I am the reason for the pain in your heart, the tears in your eyes and the nightmares when you sleep. What kind of father am I? I always wanted to be a role model for my son, but now I hope that he never becomes like me.”

You were also crying now, you forgot about your family in the living room and you just cried with Jaehyun in the bathroom. “Jaehyun you are a great father, stop thinking like that. We’ll go through this together, don’t you remember? You promised me that.”

“I know but… what If I’m not good enough? What If I can’t make you happy again? What If- “, before Jaehyun could finish his sentence, you placed your lips on his. It was a slow kiss, you could taste the tears while you kissed him and he could, too. Both of your eyes closed, hand in hand.

Jaehyun was scared to go too far, but you sat on his lap and pulled him closer to you. After you kissed him, even though none of you wanted to stop, you placed your head in the crook of his neck and hugged him.

“I love you so much.”, he said as he hugged you back.

You couldn’t say it. He knew that you couldn’t, and it was alright. Jaehyun would give you all the time in the world. You wanted to tell him, that you loved him so much, but it was hard. But both of you knew, that you loved him.

It was your wedding anniversary one month later, and Jaehyun asked you out. This would be your first date after a whole year. You spent the last anniversary at home with your kids, at that time Jaehyun was rarely at home.

But two days ago, he bought so many roses and decorated your bedroom and asked you out. Jaehyun already asked Johnny to watch your kids and he happily agreed to do so, now it was just up to you. Were you ready to go on a date with Jaehyun?

Yes, you were.

Jaehyun told you to be ready at 7, he was still at work and told you to get ready. You stood in front of your closet, not sure what to wear. “He likes red. Maybe I should wear this- “, you were interrupted by the kids and Johnny.

“Mommy!! Can we come in?”, Jaemin asked.

“Yes, what’s wrong?”, you asked them as they entered your bedroom.

“This is for you.”, Jaemin and Minah handed you a package. “What’s this?”, you asked confused. “Just open it.”, Johnny smiled brightly.

And so, you did. There was a beautiful black dress inside the package. “Daddy told us to give you that!”, Minah said happily.

The dress was beautiful, really beautiful and it looked expensive. How could you were something so expensive, what If you drop anything on it while you eat?

“Mommy come on change we want to see it!!”, Jaemin jumped around.

“Okay okay, now get out.”, you smiled.

After you changed, you looked at the mirror and your jaw dropped. It’s been a long time since you wore something like this. It was a long black dress with thin straps, skintight, with a cut on the left side of your leg. You let your hair open and curled the tips a little. You were so excited; you almost forgot the most important thing.

Your wedding ring.

After you took it off, you only wore it when your family was around. But today you decided to wear it and you wouldn’t take it off again.

“How do I look?”, you asked after you left your room.

“Not better than me, that’s for sure.”, Johnny joked.

“Mommy is a princess!!”, Minah’s eyes shined just like you did.

“You are also a princess, my pretty girl.”, you placed a kiss on her head.

“When I grow up, I am going to marry you mommy.”, Jaemin said.

“Oh my god, can you get any cuter?”, you were about to tear up but the doorbell rang. You opened the door and you saw Jaehyun smiling brightly at you with another bouquet of roses in his hands. He was wearing a suit, and lord, Jaehyun in a suit was your weak point.

“Holy shit. “, he started.

“Jaehyun! Language!”, you hoped that your kids didn’t hear that.

“I’m sorry it’s just. Holy shit.”, he said again.

“I think it’s time to go.”, you waved at your kids and Johnny closed the door, Jaehyun was still in trance.

Jaehyun had a reservation at the restaurant you first went to on your first date

“It’s been so long since we came here, but nothing changed.”, you said, and he agreed with a hum. “God you are so beautiful.”, that was the nth time he told you how beautiful you were.

“Jaehyun stop, don’t make me shy.”

“But you are cute.”, he admired you.

The waiter filled your glasses with wine and as you put your hand around it, Jaehyun noticed the ring.

“You are wearing it?”, he smiled at you.

“Yes, and I don’t want to take it off. Ever again.”, you looked at it with a smile on your face.

“I’m sorry but you have to.”, he said seriously.

“W-What? Why?”

He took out a little box of his Jackett and opened it. “I want to give you this.”, there was a ring inside of the box. “We can’t… restart our marriage and I can’t erase our memories, I can’t undo what happened, but I can promise you, that I’ll love you with every breathe I take and that I’ll give you the happiness you deserve. I’ll do anything as long as you are happy, and I’ll never hurt you again. I can’t imagine my life without you. You gave me two beautiful children and your heart. It’s more than I deserve but I promise you, I will show you how much I love you until my last breath. This ring is my promise to you. I don’t want you to look at your old ring and think about… the bad times. I want you to look at this ring and feel happiness and love.”, Jaehyun was holding your hand and looked at you. For so many months, he couldn’t even talk to you, and now he was looking you straight into the eyes as he talked.

“Is that alright for you?”, he asked then.

You felt like crying again, but you didn’t want to, so you didn’t talk. You nodded your head and smiled at him.

He took off your old ring and replaced it with the new one.

You looked at it with the biggest smile on your face.

Of course, your heart didn’t heal fully, but day by day, the pieces of your broken heart got back together.

“I love you.”, he meant it. Jaehyun really meant it every time he told you he loved you. After being so close to losing you, it felt like his love for you grew and is still growing.

“I love you.”, after a whole year, you finally said it and it felt good. You were happy right now, it felt so good to say it back.

Life isn’t easy, everybody knows that. You could cry all day long and suffer in pain or you could do something to be happy again.

People tend to forget that time is the key. The process of healing takes time and that’s good.

Time heals all our wounds. Sometimes it takes longer but, in the end, you’ll be happy again.

[five-rivers]

Medium Despair

For @sapphireswimming

.

Danny woke up gasping for air and fighting against his sheets. By the time he’d recognized his surroundings, he’d already rolled off his bed. He dragged in ragged, shuddering breaths. He could breathe. He could breathe. He wasn’t suffocating. He wasn’t at school, in his locker or otherwise. He could move he could stand. He did stand, skin prickling with the memory of electricity.

“Sydney?” he called, softly. “Is that you?” He could see a glowing form in the corner behind his dresser, and with that dream there weren’t a whole lot of other people it could have been, but it was polite to ask. At least in Danny’s opinion.

The ghost slid out, slowly, flickering. “Sorry, Danny,” he said, and he really did sound remorseful.

Danny might believe it more if it wasn’t 2:20 in the morning on a school night, and this wasn’t the third time Sydney had done this. Still, Sydney was something like a friend.

“What is it, Sydney?” he asked. “Did something happen at the school?” Casper High was one of the most haunted buildings in Amity Park, which honestly didn’t make sense.

Danny had done his research. The school was old, sure, but Sydney was the only person who had ever actually died there. That didn’t stop the Lunch Lady, Technus, and a whole host of others from hanging around the place, although most of those others were pretty weak. Hardly strong enough to even interact with Danny or other ghosts.

Sydney shrugged.

“Then what’s wrong?”

Sydney looked down at the ground. The puddle of not-light he cast on the ground – visible only to only Danny and other ghosts – rippled and glimmered.

Danny frowned. “I have fun talking to you during the day, Syd, but I do have to sleep. I’m human, you know?”

“I know,” said Sydney.

“So why are you here?” asked Danny, briefly spreading his arms in exasperation and the dropping them to his sides again. He was still unsettled by the dream he’d just had.

Being close to ghosts while he was sleeping was just a recipe for nightmares. They weren’t always about their deaths, but more often than not…

Sydney’s death was a particularly unpleasant one. Danny did not expect to get back to sleep. Not tonight. Hence his annoyance.

“I need to…” started Sydney, before trailing off. “I need…”

“Sydney?”

“Warn you.”

“About what?”

“Not what they seem,” whispered the ghost. He looked away and phased out through the wall.

Danny’s frown deepened. Usually, Sydney was much clearer than that. Sometimes, talking to Sydney, Danny forgot he was talking to a ghost.

Danny sat down at the edge of the bed and tried to work a kink out of his neck. He caught himself scratching at his skin as if he wanted to pull it off a minute later.

It was always like this since the accident. Especially after he had a dying dream.

Forcibly, he stopped himself. His skin was fine. There was no electricity flickering under his skin. He was alive. He was safe. His body was his body. His body.

(He was not floating above it, light as air, staring at its waxy pallor, at the glassy, empty eyes.)

He was alive, alive, alive.

Awake.

Not dead.

Slowly, he laid back down on the bed. He was alive, awake. A medium, yes, associated with more ghosts than could possibly be healthy, either physically or mentally, yes, but alive. Definitely, clearly, alive.

He didn’t like it when ghosts woke him up. Especially when they came with ominous warnings about the future.

Maybe Sydney would let Danny track him down tomorrow, but Danny doubted it.

.

“Something’s off,” said Danny, staring up at the tall front of the school.

“Yeah,” agreed Sam, “it’s Spirit Week. When the teachers participate in medieval rituals to brainwash us into supporting the troglodytes that ‘represent’ our school in sports.”

“I was going to argue,” said Tucker, “but that is about what it’s for, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” said Danny, “I don’t think it’s that. Probably. Unless there’s a ghost that appreciate the pun?”

“You appreciate puns.”

“I’m not a ghost,” said Danny, frowning at Sam.

“That’s true.”

Danny sighed. “I just have a bad feeling about this. I know you can’t see like I can, but… be careful. If you do see anything weird, let me know.”

“Hey, Danny!”

“Oh, I changed my mind. Kill me now, I want to be a ghost.”

Jazz ran up and threw an arm around Danny’s shoulders. “You left so early!” she said. “Are you excited about Spirit Week, too?”

“No,” said Danny.

Jazz paused, looked at Danny more closely. “You look terrible,” she said. “Maybe you should talk to the counselor?”

“Pass,” said Danny.

“You know, you’ll have to talk to me in more than monosyllables at some point.”

“Do I?”

Danny rolled his eyes.

“Anyway, I’ve got to go to talk to Mr. Lancer about my speech! Have a great Spirit Week, guys!”

She ran off.

“I will never understand her,” declared Sam. “But I think she does have a point about the counselor. Maybe they’d be able to help with the nightmares? At least the non-ghost-caused ones.”

“All my nightmares are caused by ghosts.”

“Eh,” said Tucker, giving a half-shrug.

“Will it make you feel better if I agree to go?”

“Yes,” said both Sam and Tucker.

“Ugh. Fine,” said Danny.

.

Danny walked though the deserted hallway, pass in hand, study hall abandoned behind him as he looked for the counselor’s office. He’d never been there before, but it should be around here somewhere, right?

A cold hand settled on his shoulder.

“You must be Danny Fenton! Your sister told me all about you.”

Danny turned to look up at a tall woman. She was dressed a lot more flamboyantly than Danny would have expected.

“Yeah? That’s me. Who are you?”

“I’m Penelope Spectra. Your counselor! Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong with you?”

“Uh,” said Danny. There was something unpleasantly an unexpectedly pejorative and assumptive about that statement. Weren’t counselors supposed to tell you that there wasn’t anything wrong with you? That your feelings were valid.

He shrugged. He couldn’t put his feelings into words.

(Couldn’t open his mouth for fear of cold leaking out past his teeth, his soul exhaled with his breath.)

(Why did he feel this way?)

“Why don’t you step into my office?”

The room was… not what he expected.

“Sorry about the dust,” said Spectra. “I’m just moving in. They upgraded me.” She smiled, showing all her teeth. “So… like I said, your sister told me a lot about you, and I have a few things I’d like to try for your laz—Excuse me. Your difficulty with staying focused. It happens sometimes with traumatic brain injuries, that a promising young mind can be—Well. In any case. I am here to support you and find a way for you to succeed. What’s troubling you?”

Danny’s ginger perch on the dusty chair turned into a frustrated slump. “Nothing,” he said. He pushed himself back up. “I should go—”

“Oh, just humor me,” said Spectra. “There has to be some reason you came. Anxiety? Stress? Social pressures?”

Danny shook his head and stood up.

“Nightmares?”

He sat back down.

.

Danny leaned over the table to whisper to Tucker during English, when they were supposed to be reviewing vocabulary words.

“Have either of you seen the counselor before?” asked Danny, after what was easily the worst week of his life. He was starting to have suspicions, but…

“Yeah,” said Tucker. “When you were in the hospital. He was pretty cool.”

“He?” asked Danny. “He?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve been seeing a ghost for the past week.”

“Ghost therapist? Well, if it’s working…”

“It isn’t. She’s from hell. I swear. A literal demon from hell.”

“Exorcism?”

“Exorcism.”

.

Jazz didn’t often come to school after hours, but she’d left several important things and she was the student body activity director, voted for and everything.

Important thing #1, her speech, which she had to practice.

Important thing #2, the—what was that?

Already spooked by the late-night atmosphere, she ducked into a doorway and peeked at the place she’d seen movement. There weren’t many classes held down that hallway, and she didn’t come down this way often, so maybe she was just—

No. That was her little brother and his friends conducting some kind of satanic ritual over a wastepaper basket.

Their parents were terrible influences. She was going to give them a stern talking to when—what what what what WHAT—

What had she just seen?

She looked back around the corner to see the… whatever it was dissolve in smoke and fire and shadows. Then Danny and his friends started cleaning up as if this was a perfectly normal Thursday night.

Jazz… Jazz was going to process this. Later.

She turned around and walked straight back out to her car. There was, after all, nothing that important.

.

“So,” said Danny, leaning towards Sam on the bleachers as he watched his sister give her speech. “Looks like we saved Spirit Week.”

“Never say that to me again,” said Sam.

“But we did. Look at all this spirit-filled people.”

“You were literally the only victim.”

“But Sam~”

“It does seem less grim, though, doesn’t it?” asked Tucker, contemplatively. “You are no longer the goth bird of happiness.”

“Maybe a bit,” allowed Sam. “I think that’s just because everyone’s glad this week is over, though. No offense, Danny.”

“None taken. I’m glad it’s over, too.”

[heartslobbf]

let’s talk about perfuma. imo, she’s one of the best characters in the show despite being underdeveloped, and i wanna explain why. she could’ve been extremely average, just some lanky flower girl that doesn’t believe in violence and loves everyone, but she is so much more than that (and it pisses me off that y’all reduce her to that).

in her introductory episode, perfuma is clearly in denial about the horde almost destroying plumeria. she doesn’t want to acknowledge the problem, wants someone else to take care of it for her. she’s scared of change, and that is because change makes you vulnerable. if things always stay the same, there’s a whole lot less danger and uncertainty, and therefore you’re safe. secure. perfuma’s kingdom is dying and she can’t bear to accept it because it is unknown to her. it’s putting her in a position where she is no longer secure. this fear of vulnerability can also be seen at the beginning of 1x10 when the princess alliance falls apart and she literally says ‘being together makes us vulnerable.’

the thing is, perfuma isn’t wrong. look at her choice of words. she says that being together makes them vulnerable, not weak. here, she kind of has the words mixed up, but we see that by s5 she has come to understand the difference. that’s what’s so great about perfuma, her motivation to do better, her hunger for self-improvement. it’s why she’s such an important part of catra’s redemption, actually, because she embodies the kind person catra is or wants to be.

let me explain: perfuma is an angry, impatient, short-tempered character. we are shown this again and again with her passive aggression to others and how easily mermista can annoy her with trivial things (sitting in her seat in the war room, for example). catra is also an angry, impatient character, but perfuma works every day to manage those emotions. she knows she needs them, she uses them as a tool (calling catra out, for example, is a time they were practically pivotal for getting her point across) but she also acknowledges they can hurt the people she loves. we know she does a meditation ritual each morning and we see in 4x02 how quickly she can unravel without it. she wants to be better. she puts the work in. that is such a valuable lesson for a character like catra who has always felt she’s just not good enough, she’s always going to be this angry and unlovable and no one can do anything about it.

so, 4x02. it’s a brilliant episode for perfuma’s character, really, and the first proper development we’ve had since 1x04. we see her anger, her impatience, but we also see her self-doubt. her belief that she’s inadequate, ‘just a flower girl.’ this is also when we get introduced to her little mantra that becomes a bit of a motif later on, ‘i can do this.’ we know perfuma doesn’t wholeheartedly believe this, but she says it anyway because she wants to. perfuma wants to be better. she will do whatever she can to be her best self, whether that be actually conquering her gripes with cacti or realising there’s a loophole with the roots (love that conflict resolution by the way, another good deconstruction of hero bs by spop).

this episode is also significant because it comes back to perfuma’s fear of change, of vulnerability. she’s thrown into a situation she doesn’t want to be in, one she feels miserably unprepared for, and she hasn’t done the one thing that puts her at her best beforehand, but she pulls through in the end because she is surrounded by people that support her, that listened to her and consoled her when she was vulnerable. 4x02 teaches perfuma the power of self-worth and the power of true, mutual, unconditional love, which can only come with vulnerability.

and this is where her character gets really interesting, in my humble opinion. ngl, one of the reasons i love perfuma so much is because she’s a pisces and i am too. i’m not gonna go astrology hoe on you rn, i’m just using this to demonstrate the part of her character that teaches others. pisces, if you don’t know, love to play therapist. we like to help the people around us with whatever strifes they may have because we think we’re fucking great at it. perfuma actually is.

you know how i said perfuma learns the importance of self-belief and vulnerability? yeah, she teaches both of those lessons to other characters in s5. like i said, perfuma is a character who values self-betterment and also happens to be a pisces, so when she sees scorpia, riddled with so much self-doubt and such low self-esteem, her immediate response is just i’m gonna teach that bitch how to love herself. and she does!

i’ve seen some people say they don’t like scorfuma because it seemed as though the writers just decided to ‘fix’ all of scorpia’s problems by giving her a girlfriend. that’s very dumb, first of all because they aren’t even together by the end of the show, they’re just interested in one another. second, the whole point of she-ra is that we’re stronger together. scorpia doesn’t go through growth in s5 because a girl likes her, she goes through growth because someone is showing her support and love for the first time in her life and that empowers her. you know, the worth that scorpia finds in herself doesn’t hinge on perfuma, like it did with catra. it’s about her as an individual, and perfuma so clearly makes it about that when her big lesson revolves around singing. scorpia loves singing. perfuma tells her she should do it because she enjoys it, a sentiment you’d never hear in the horde, and when scorpia does sing, she is actively rejecting the people who did make all her self-worth hinge on them catra. she’s doing something for herself, because she enjoys it, because it makes her happy, because she can.

it’s that same mantra: i can do this, i can do this. i really love how this was brought back from 4x02, how perfuma repurposed something that taught her such a valuable lesson for someone else. perfuma and scorpia are great foil characters actually, both constantly underestimated and thought of as weak by their groups, but some of the strongest characters in the show due to their deep value of love and self. i can do this, and i know i can because you believe in me, because i believe in myself. it’s brought back again in 5x10, when the last thing perfuma says before scorpia breaks the beam is ‘i know you can [pull through]’. she tells catra she believes in scorpia. it’s that belief, that support from other people that empowers the self to believe it too. we are stronger together, you know??

anyways, onto vulnerability. return to the fright zone is in my top ten episodes of the whole fucking show and you might think that’s a bit weird but i don’t. 5x10 encompasses so many important themes of spop so well and tells them with scorfuma and spinnetossa, our two side lesbian couples. this is significant since perfuma literally draws a parallel between her and catra at the end of the episode, and catradora and spinnetossa have always been significant to one another. i’m gonna say it, perfuma is the reason catra is finally able to confess to adora in 5x13. i’ve already talked about how important perfuma is to catra’s motivation to improve, but she literally makes catra rethink everything about strength and vulnerability, two words catra has a lot of feelings about.

catra fears vulnerability. we know this. she has such a deep love for those important to her but is never able to articulate it because she worries she’ll be taken advantage of, shot down, laughed at, whatever. all of this stems from the abuse she suffered at shadow weaver’s hands and her attachment issues, and it’s also why catra pretends to hate scorpia’s very open displays of affection and love: she sees it as weak because she has been taught to, but it’s all she ever really wanted to be.

we also know perfuma used to fear vulnerability. she doesn’t any more. the entirety of the episode leading up to her and catra’s heart-to-heart is her being vulnerable, putting herself in a position where she’s in danger but believing it’s worth it. and it is. despite what everyone said to her, perfuma is right: it was worth it. she got through to scorpia, even if it was only for a moment. she literally spells it out to us and catra with one of the best lines in the whole show: it’s hard, keeping your heart open. it makes you vulnerable, but it doesn’t make you weak, and i have to believe it’s worth it.

back in 1x10, perfuma was right: being together makes you vulnerable. horde prime tries to use people’s relationships against them, that’s literally the plot of save the cat, the point of pitting catra and adora against one another. he sees them as weak, just like shadow weaver deems adora’s feelings for catra ‘confusing’, just like light hope insisted adora was a danger to her friends as long as she was around them. they were all wrong. yes, they’re vulnerable. perfuma acknowledges that vulnerability puts you in danger, that it’s difficult to do that, but she knows it doesn’t make you weak. weakness vs strength is a big conflict in 5x10 literally introduced to us with netossa’s theories on everyone’s weaknesses in the first few minutes.

like perfuma says, friendship isn’t a weakness. it’s her greatest strength. her belief in love is literally what saves her and adora’s lives, it’s what saves everyone who got chipped, glimmer, bow. belief in love, both of others and yourself, is what saves adora in her dying moments. perfuma summarises she-ra’s entire fucking message to us repeatedly in 5x10 and she tells it to catra because catra is the one who will do the most with it. that glance at adora, it’s obvious what it means. perfuma is telling catra she should be open with adora about her feelings because you have to believe it’s worth it.

you won’t get anywhere waiting for other people to make the move. she-ra couldn’t heal plumeria’s lands, so plumeria had to fight their own battle alongside her no matter how much they felt unable to. the rebellion couldn’t move mara’s ship, so perfuma had to despite thinking she wasn’t strong enough. the reason they always win in the end is because they have each other, they have love and support and people motivating them to do better. just like perfuma motivates herself to do better.

it’s the mantra. i can do this. i can be vulnerable and still win, because i have love. and it’s hard, it’s so fucking hard to be vulnerable when you’ve feared it all your life and you’re so angry, so hurt, but you have to believe it’s worth it. and it is. it is, it is, it is, love is stronger than anything and being vulnerable for the people you love is the only way you can ever get what you want from them. perfuma as a character embodies that, having learnt it herself, and teaches the lesson to one of the characters who needs it the most.

adora is dying, and catra loves her, and she knows she does, and she just has to believe. adora is dying, and she loves catra, and she knows she does, but she doesn’t believe. not until catra teaches her too, in that moment, to realise they were all wrong, light hope, shadow weaver, horde prime. adora doesn’t need to let go, she needs to hold on and believe she will be pulled back up by the girl she loves. she needs to believe she deserves it. that it’s worth it.

and it is.

[licieoic]

“Pour One Out” - Digital Oil Painting

Inspired by Suptober, theme: Pour One Out. Bartender/Patron AU! This one was actually inspired by a number of themes from Suptober including “Family Business” and “Favorite,” as shown in the ficlet below the cut. (It’s PG, though Dean is having some more adult oriented thoughts, LOL.)

Please see the pinned post at the top of my Tumblr for my links if you'd like to help support me in saving for a safe place to live!

“Hey.”

Looking up, Dean saw his brother, Sam, sticking his head into the brewing room. It had to be nearly time for his shift, he already had his abundant hair pulled back.

“Your favorite’s here,” he said.

Dean straightened up so fast, he nearly dropped the pitcher of beer he’d been pouring so carefully. “Trench Coat?” At least, that was the name he used with Sam; he didn’t want his brother knowing what he called the quiet man in his head. He’d never quite had the courage to ask the man’s actual name and since Winchester Bros was cash only, he couldn’t sneak a look at a credit card either. He’d considered asking for his ID, as that was perfectly acceptable in a bar, but since he was clearly over legal drinking age it would just make Dean look like he was stupid or an ass.

“Usual spot,” Sam answered before popping back into the main area of the bar.

He got up close to the shiny brewing vat in front of him and tried to check his appearance, but the metal didn’t make for a good mirror and left him looking deformed. Damn… He hoped there was nothing to worry about, like food in his teeth or crustiness in the corners of his green eyes, and that his light brown hair was just the right amount of tousled, leaning more toward ‘I woke up like this’ and less like ‘I use a lot of product.’ Then he reached into the pocket of his apron for the breath mint he always kept there, on the chance that his favorite patron would stop by.

It was easy to remember the first time he’d ever seen him, he doubted he would ever forget. Five months after he and Sam had opened the bar, they’d had to strike a deal with the Devil (Dean’s private name for their wealthy investor, Crowley) in order to save it from going under. It had always been their dream to start up a family business and they’d each quit lucrative careers (Dean as a mechanic, Sam as a lawyer) to open Winchester Bros. It had taken every penny of their life savings to do it, they just couldn’t give up so soon.

Pride still smarting with the knowledge that they’d be under Crowley’s thumb for the foreseeable future, Dean hadn’t exactly been the friendliest bartender that night. After being short with a small bachelorette party, Sam told him to concentrate on the solo patrons at the bar who usually weren’t the chatty types and leave the groups to him. Dean hadn’t argued, they needed as much patronage as possible, he could ill afford to turn what could be repeat customers into people who never came back just because he was in a mood.

Down at the far end of the bar, he saw a man with dark, messy hair hunched over the bar. He wore a slightly dirty trench coat over a deep navy suit and had a five o’clock shadow darkening his jawline. All in all, a fairly standard-looking barfly, if he were judging a book by its cover. Dean leaned both hands on the bar and tried not to sound too brusque as he asked, “What can I get you?”

Then the man looked up… and Dean forgot everything. He was lost in the bluest eyes ever to blue, bluer than the tie hanging crooked from the man’s neck. Dean’s mouth might have gone slack, he wasn’t sure. They were like angel’s eyes, almost too pretty to be real.

“I don’t know,” said the man, immediately dubbed Angel Eyes. He seemed kind of down, but that wasn’t unusual for a lone bar patron. “Do you have a menu?”

“W-we do,” said Dean, pulling over the list printed on laminated cardstock once he remembered how to speak. The line at the top read ‘Winchester Brews,’ which he’d thought damn clever at the time, now he worried it was corny. “Ahem… Everything on offer is brewed in-house, plus I can make you just about anything you like.”

“Anything, huh?” He looked at the menu, but didn’t really seem to be reading it. “I don’t know,” he said again, “surprise me?”

Something was really bothering this man, Dean could tell, his bartender instincts were jangling like crazy. His bi-dar, however, was all over the place. He never had a problem flirting with the ladies who came in, but it was always hard to tell if he was clear to make a pass at a man. That kind of thing could get dangerous, depending on who it was and what kind of attitude they had.

“Surprise you,” Dean repeated, reaching below the bar for a tumbler which he filled with a few ice cubes. “Well, you look like a man of… discerning tastes.” He followed this with a wink to test the waters. To his delight, Angel Eyes smiled. And Dean’s heartbeat doubled. He turned around and took a surreptitious breath in an attempt to calm it down, but it didn’t work.

From the back shelf, he retrieved a bottle of whiskey with a simple handwritten label on the front that read ‘Winchester Special #5’ and turned back to face him. As he poured, Dean said, “This here is our monthly special.”

“What makes it special?”

“It changes every month,” said Dean. “Afterward, we add it to the list of brews. And if you can guess the flavor, the inspiration behind it… it’s on me.”

“Has anyone gotten it right yet?” It was the nineteenth, he’d assumed correctly that some people had already tried Dean’s challenge.

He shook his head. “Not quite.” Gesturing at the tumbler, he quirked a brow and asked, “Care to try?”

Angel Eyes picked up the glass and took a sip. He tilted his head, appearing thoughtful.

“So?” asked Dean when he didn’t get an immediate answer. “What’s it taste like to you?”

“Hmm. Molecules.”

Dean laughed outright and Angel Eyes grinned. “Well, you’re not wrong!” he exclaimed. “Molecules, heh, can’t say I’ve ever heard that one before, but is that your final answer?”

Swirling the ice in the glass, Angel Eyes took a longer pull, maintaining eye contact with Dean as he rolled the whiskey slowly over his tongue. Dean’s mouth went dry as he watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down when he swallowed. Unconsciously, he licked his lips and those bluer than blue eyes followed the movement.

Angel Eyes clicked his tongue. “Blueberry…” he said, slowly. “But there’s something else… It’s sweet and… creamy?”

“No hints,” said Dean, but mentally he was cheering the man on, wanting him to make the right guess, and he was so, so close.

He took one last sip from the glass, finishing it off. “It’s good. I like it. It reminds me of a blueberry sour cream pie. Final answer.”

Dean grinned broadly. “We have a winner!”

He returned the smile with one of his own and it seemed like both of them had forgotten their problems prior to their meeting each other. “Really?”

Nodding, Dean poured him another. “On me. Since you’re the first correct guess.”

He picked up the tumbler and saluted Dean with it. “Cheers.”

Dean nodded, a little disappointed that he didn’t have an excuse to keep their conversation going, and turned to go back to work.

“Oh, and—”

Heart in his throat, he looked back. Angel Eyes hesitated.

“Thank you,” he said, finally. “This… really helped.”

“Yeah?”

He made a vague gesture. “I don’t want to get into it, I know bartenders aren’t therapists,” he said. “Just some family issues.”

Dean’s heart sank. He had a family. Of course he did. “Well, you’re not the first guy to come here to escape his wife for a while,” he said, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Oh, I’m not married,” Angel Eyes said.

“Girlfriend?” came out of Dean’s mouth before he could stop himself.

He shook his head. “One of my brothers is constantly going through a rebellious phase. Our father isn’t happy about it.”

“Ohhhh, well, I can definitely understand annoying brothers,” said Dean, aiming his thumb at Sam who was down at the opposite end of the bar, and forcing himself to swallow down any follow-up questions. He’d already said he didn’t want to talk about it, Dean wanted to respect that. “You should bring your family around,” he said, smiling. “It’s easier to open up after a few, you know?”

Angel Eyes chuckled. “I’m not sure if that would be a good thing or a bad thing. Besides…” He thumbed the rim of his glass before glancing back up, hitting him with that blue gaze all over again. “I don’t know if I want them coming around here. Maybe I want to keep you all to myself.”

Any thoughts of pushing for more patrons to offset his and Sam’s massive debt had flown away. Dean could only nod like an idiot, he knew what the man meant, of course, but the unspoken implications in the statement were pinging around in his head like a super ball. He might have squeaked out an ‘okay’ or a ‘yeah’ as he headed back to work, he didn’t remember. He did remember almost tripping over his own feet and not looking back, knowing his face would be bright red. He pretended to not remember hearing another chuckle.

Since then, Angel Eyes came in at least once a week, always sat at the end of the bar, and always ordered the monthly special, even though he paid for each subsequent drink following his correct guess. He was never wrong about the flavor either, which amazed Dean, he even got the lemon meringue right. He’d been so sure that no one would get it – he’d heard lemon-vanilla, toasted marshmallow, all kinds of other things because who guesses ‘meringue’ for a whiskey anyway? Apparently, a man with gorgeous blue eyes in a slightly dirty trench coat. Three months in, he was the only person who’d figured out that Dean based all the specials on his favorite pies and it only made his guesses come that much quicker.

As he headed out to the front, he dropped off the pitcher of beer and grabbed #15 from the shelf. He almost couldn’t believe it had been ten months since his favorite patron had first come in. Tonight was the night, he resolved, he would ask for Angel Eyes’ actual name. Maybe in another ten months, he’d work up the courage to ask for his number. Dean internally rolled his eyes at himself. He was truly pathetic.

Angel Eyes perked up at the end of the bar the moment Dean emerged from the back, yellow light from a nearby neon sign on the wall reflecting off his dark hair, almost like a halo. They smiled at each other and Dean’s heart was immediately doing flips, seeing how obviously happy he was to see him. Could be the Crush Goggles, but still…

“Fancy seeing you here,” said Dean, filling the glass with ice and setting it down on the bar. “I was wondering when you’d be in to try the latest special.”

“I’m just hoping it isn’t Pumpkin Spice,” said Angel Eyes. Being that it was October, it was a fair comment. You couldn’t go ten feet without encountering something bearing that smell and/or flavor.

“I do like pumpkin pie,” said Dean, pouring the whiskey. “But I think it’s more of a November flavor.”

Dark brows lifted. “A hint? This is new. What did I do to deserve that?”

Dean laughed. “Maybe I’m in a good mood, that’s all.”

“Me too. It’s a good night.”

“Hopefully, about to be better,” said Dean, nodding at the glass.

“I don’t need to drink to have a good time,” he said, but picked up the tumbler all the same to have a sip.

“Your continued presence at my bar says otherwise,” said Dean.

Angel Eyes swallowed. “There are other reasons a person might come to a bar.”

“Such as?”

“Good ambience.” He took a longer sip and let his eyes wander over Dean before traveling back up as he swallowed. “I like the company.”

Dean hoped he wasn’t blushing but he couldn’t hold back a goofy smile. “You do get to meet all kinds of people in a place like this,” he said.

“Yes, though I was referring to one specific person.”

“Yeah?”

He finished the whiskey and set down the glass, meeting Dean’s eyes head-on. “Yes.”

Mouth dry, Dean cleared his throat. “So, uh…” He gestured at the tumbler. “Any guesses?”

“Maybe.” He trailed one finger around the rim of the glass. “If I pay for the drink, can I have something else as my prize? If I get it right, of course.”

“Uh.” He swallowed hard. “S-s-sure.” He could hardly manage the one word; he couldn’t even summon the brain power to ask what it was he wanted.

Smacking his tongue against the roof of his mouth, Angel Eyes considered his answer. “This is a good one,” he said. “Definitely not pumpkin, but it has sweetness… and a note of tart as well.”

“Are you a sommelier?” Dean asked suddenly. “That would sure as hell explain a lot.”

He laughed, the bright sound so incongruous with his gravelly voice, it had quickly become one of Dean’s favorite things about him. So much so, that he would go out of his way to come up with a corny joke or allow himself to be a little clumsy, just for the chance to hear that laugh.

“No,” he said, still smiling. “Disappointed?”

“No. I just can’t figure out how you’re never wrong.”

“I haven’t made my guess yet,” he pointed out.

“And?”

Deliberately, he reached into his glass and retrieved a small ice cube. Before Dean knew what was happening, Angel Eyes was popping it into his mouth and sucking on it while he thought about what answer to give.

Guh. He has to be doing this on purpose! Dean thought. How does he make everything he does so sexy?

Still keeping eye contact with Dean, he bit down hard. Crunch! If he kept this up, Dean would need to run to the bathroom and readjust his jeans. To try and diffuse some of the tension in the air, Dean attempted to make a joke like he usually would.

“You, uh, you know what they say about people who chew their ice, don’t you?” he asked, almost tripping on his own tongue.

“No,” he said, to Dean’s surprise. “What do they say?”

Well, this backfired spectacularly, thought Dean. “They, uh… that they’re, well, you know…” Those clear blue eyes wouldn’t give him an inch, Angel Eyes sat patiently waiting to hear the punchline of Dean’s naughty joke like they were talking about the weather. He had no choice but to quietly stutter, “That they’re… s-s-sexually frustrated.”

“Oh.”

Really? That’s all you have to say, ‘oh’? thought Dean, incredulously. While he watched, Angel Eyes fished out another ice cube and crunched down on it viciously, all while holding Dean’s gaze, as if to punctuate his statement. Heat creeping up into his cheeks, Dean took a steadying breath. Curse blushing, he thought. Curse the noun, curse the verb, curse the act!

“H-have I finally stumped you?” Dean asked when his tongue decided to work again.

“Caramel apple rhubarb,” he said, definitively. “Final answer.”

“Damn!” exclaimed Dean, pounding one fist on the bar. “You did it again!”

All he did was smile in response, the handsome bastard. As he reached into his coat pocket, he casually remarked, “You know, your freckles disappear when you blush.”

He blinked. “They do?”

“Then I get to notice them all over again when they come back.” Retrieving his wallet, he pulled out a ten-dollar bill and placed it on the bar between them. “It’s what I’ve been calling you in my head all this time. Freckles.”

“Well, that’s kind of rude, how would you like it if my brother and I were calling you Trench Coat behind your back?”

“I wouldn’t mind.”

“Okay, good, because that’s totally what we’ve been doing.”

They snickered together.

“Out of curiosity,” said Dean, “what were you calling Sammy?”

“Manbun.”

Dean snorted. “I’m absolutely going to call him that.”

“So, his name is Sam? You don’t wear nametags, so I’ve only ever known your last name.”

“Nametags are lame.”

“They are. What’s your name, then?”

“Is this what you wanted instead of a free drink?”

“No, this is something I should have asked ten months ago.”

Fair point. Dean held out his hand. “Dean,” he said.

His fingers were cold from the ice but his palm was warm and smooth. “Castiel.”

“Wow.” It wasn’t a name he’d ever heard before; surprise mixed with his pleasure over finally learning the name of his long-held crush. “Wasn’t expecting that.”

“What were you expecting?”

“Not sure. Probably something anti-climactic, like Steve.” He picked up the ten with his other hand. “I’ll get you some change.”

Castiel tightened his grip when Dean would have let go. “Keep it,” he said. “Consider it a tip.”

“Okay,” Dean said, slowly, tucking the bill into his apron pocket.

“Have you eaten dinner yet?” asked Castiel.

“No.”

He grinned and it put all of the smiles Dean had received before to shame. It held a hint of mischievousness as he said, “That’s what I want.”

“You-you want—what? D-dinner? W-with me?” Dean couldn’t quite believe his ears. He’d barely been able to hope for a first-name basis tonight, he couldn’t possibly be so lucky as to score a date. But then, considering they’d been dancing around each other for ten months, maybe Castiel thought if he didn’t make the first move, it would never happen.

Bringing up his other hand, Castiel sandwiched Dean’s between the two as he said, very deliberately, “I don’t believe I’ve guessed wrong.”

Dean could be pretty dense sometimes, but he knew unequivocally that Castiel wasn’t talking about the whiskey. “I’m off in half an hour,” he said, smiling like an idiot.

“I’ll be waiting… Freckles.”

Okay… so maybe blushing wasn’t such a bad thing.

[just-call-me-johnny-archive]

[[TW for abusive language and canon typical violence. Reader discretion is advised.]]

Johnny doesn’t know when he started walking through a crowd of people in a ballroom. It feels like he’s been doing it for a good while, but he can’t be sure. He just knows he has to find his partners. He pushes through until he finds a clearing in the middle. He looks about for fiery red hair and a tall man in a suit. There are a lot of people dressed up. Even he’s dressed up- but his clothes are torn and bloody. He recognizes them from the night Dwight was impaled.

In his distracted walking state he stumbles and trips over something large and ends up falling onto his knees. After gritting his teeth against the pain, he looks over his shoulder and his eyes widen, tears already forming.

He goes over to Dwight’s side and pulls the bleeding, beaten man’s head into his lap. “Dwight! Dwight- what happened!”

Dwight’s eyes open and lazily roll over to look at Johnny. There’s a coldness to them, like the smaller man woke him up from a good restful nap.

“You happened, Johnny.”

A shiver runs down Johnny’s back and he blinks and Dwight is gone, he’s kneeling down in a thick puddle of blood. He shakily rises to his feet and walks aimlessly. He almost doesn’t recognize how the fluid turns into solid. A blanket. Or a towel. Covering what looks to be a body.

With trembling hands, Johnny peels back the layer of cloth and screams as he scrambles backwards. There’s no way- no- this can’t be real. Leera’s not dead. She’s not. This is all a dream.

He gets back to the feet and suddenly becomes aware of the wood at his feet. He could recognize the floor of 777 with his eyes closed- every ridge embedded into memory. Every creak.

A mirror stands beside him as he fumbles around the dark room, grabbing for something- a light switch- a door. He finally grabs something until that same thing grabs onto his wrist. And pulls him roughly.

“Leera?” He says before tears are coming to his eyes. “Oh- thank fuck - I thought you-“

“Stay away from me, you monster! How could you? You should have died, not him! You!” She grabs onto the back of his hair and slams his face into the mirror repeatedly, saying the same thing over and over. He should have died. He should have died.

Johnny wakes up, panting, sweating, sobbing. He feels about his face, feeling a bandage over one of his eyes and yards of cotton-padded skin. There’s an IV in his hand and he’s laying on a hospital bed.

It was just a bad dream.

Suddenly, the light comes on in his room and Leera and Dwight are sitting by his bedside. They look- conflicted.

“We need to talk, Johnny,” Leera starts, then looks over to Dwight for support.

“About- where we should go from here- once you’re healed up. We just- need some time to really think about what being with you means for us- for our family.” Dwight holds his girlfriend’s hand and Johnny has never ached so much for the same touch, but it’s like they’re deliberately not making an effort to touch him at all. Like they’re trying to keep him away.

“We just believe that maybe we rushed into this too fast. That we were just happy you survived and- we got a little too excited. But I think we’ve had plenty of time to… mull it over.” Leera explains.

Johnny feels his throat constrict and his body tremble- he’s already starting to sob- trying not to show it. Trying to show he’s stable, that he’s a good partner and that they don’t have to leave him. That he can be good.

“Oh boy, and he’s crying- look, Johnny, this is exactly what we were talking about. We haven’t even said anything and already you’re starting to get overwhelmed. We just don’t think we can keep walking on eggshells like this around you. Certainly not for the rest of our lives.”

“I’m sorry,” his voice is wavering as more tears come out, every word feeling like a stab at his heart. “I’ll- I can be good. You don’t have to walk on eggshells around me- im- im fine- I-“

“No, you’re not fine. You need help, Johnny, and frankly I’m tired of acting like your therapist. Every moment we’ve been together has been one session after another. It’s just not healthy or right- for any of us.” Dwight’s voice is stern with a finality that makes Johnny feel like his world is crashing down. Which it is. He feels like he can’t breathe and before he has time to try and settle his racing heart Dwight and Leera are already leaving his room.

“Wait! Wait please—!” He yells in pain as the IV in his hand keeps him there even as he tries to get out of the bed. He yanks it out and tries to get up before someone is pushing him deep into the mattress, keeping him there.

“Hey- hey it’s okay. Just a nightmare, Swallowtail. Just lay back for me.”

Johnny stops struggling for a moment as he hears that nickname, before looking up and finding Vargas hovering over him, a hand pushing into his shoulder, trying to get him to lie down again.

“That’s it. Stay right there. You’re okay. There- much better.”

He moves quickly to try and roll out from under the man but Vargas quickly takes both of his wrists into his fists and keeps Johnny pinned.

“I said fucking stay dammit.” He growls, tightening his grip until bruises appear on Johnny’s wrists. Johnny looks frantically around the room but nothing is visible other than Vargas. He doesn’t know where he is. How he got here. Where is his Counselor and Cornflower?

“Don’t you remember? They didn’t want you. Nobody did. Not after what they saw you do. When they saw who you really were.” Vargas says, a grin on his face as he lightens the grasp on Johnny’s hands.

Johnny’s head snaps back to stare at Vargas who just laughs and strokes the side of Johnny’s face with the backs of his knuckles. “There there- it’s alright. You’re with me now, and I already know every piece of you. I made you the way you are. I’m all you have now. So I would stop fighting back if I were you.”

“But… they said they loved me. They - they told me they wouldn’t leave me. They wanted me. They-“

“Lied- I think is the word you’re looking for. I’m sorry that you’re the last to know, Swallowtail, but unfortunately you just never could learn the easy way. Did I not warn you countless times that no matter how believable it may seem- no matter how infatuated they claim to be- nobody will ever love you?”

Johnny blinks back tears again; Vargas had told him that. But they’d been so sincere. They’d held him, kissed him, they’d even gone farther than that. Or at least he had with Dwight. They acted like they cared so much- that they would be by his side every step of the way. How could they just throw him to the side like this?

And what about his family? Was he no longer worthy of their mercy of their love? What did he do? What did he do wrong? Why does he keep fucking up like this? Why was he so broken and worthless?

“Chin up, my boy. At least you can no longer ruin their lives and make them live in fear that one day you’ll snap and kill them. They’re much happier without you around. Isn’t that what you wanted? For them to be happy? To be safe? Then why are you so upset?”

“Oh- is it because you only wanted them to be happy and safe as long as you’re around? You never truly cared about them either. Only wanted them for their love and affection and attention. It’s only natural.”

Johnny’s teary gaze shifts to the side. Was Vargas right? Did he really care? Shouldn’t he be happy he can no longer hurt them?

He only feels empty and sad and lifeless. Vargas lets go of him completely, backing off the bed. Johnny’s eyes widen as he watches him leave. He hates this man- but his mind is screaming for him not to leave. He doesn’t want to be alone right now.

“I guess in the end you were always meant to be all on your own, Nny. After all, you just push everyone away. And one day, they won’t come back.”

With those departing words, Johnny watches as Vargas fades from his sight and leaves him in the dark room. At some point the man had cuffed Johnny to the headboard or some other thing because when he tries to chase after him or even get up from the bed, he’s completely immobile. He screams for him to come back, for Dwight, for Leera or Chance or Addie or Midge or anyone to please just give him another chance. He can be good. He doesn't want to be alone. He sobs to himself, screaming until his lungs nearly give out.

Finally, he actually does awaken, screaming into the dark room. He feels around his wrists for cuffs that aren’t there. His breaths are wheezy, panicky and he feels like he’s wearing a blindfold but he’s not. There’s something on his eye that feels like cloth. His entire body comes alive with sharp pains with every movement and he skates his fingers over the bandages wrapped around him, shaking as he remembers what comes next.

But when only the beeps of his own equipment resound back to him, he settles into the bed and tries to regain control of his breathing.

Just a nightmare.

@leera-ozynite

[ships-bynoa]

The Titans are almost back, bitches. aka 3x06

Guys, literally every time the titans are together-or even paired up-the episode gets ten times better, but in 6 episodes there is simply not enough Kory and Gar. I can easily forget that when I’m basking in the episode they are in, especially when they’re giving us family dynamics.

Kory:

“You’re not mad that I left. You’re mad I came back.” Kory’s face tells us Blackfire is right on the money, and who would know her better than her sister?

So, Kory, oh boy. Our girl is on edge. She is slowly unraveling and is super vulnerable and raw with Kom around and little sister is going to exploit it and her guilt, which I think she’s carrying a lot of. So far their dynamic has been fascinating because there’s so much to read between them and so many accusations being flung back and forth, from both. From Kory; you sense guilt and even contempt and from Kom there’s envy and resentment, but also there’s a sense of idealization for her older sister, too, which of course, with younger siblings, there always is an element of that. And as an older sibling, there is always an unspoken and sometimes spoken responsibility placed on them for their younger siblings. Parents often don’t realize it, but they can create a lot of tension within siblingships by assigning roles.

They remember home and family very differently, which is often the case, too. Kom was often thrown in the pit and to that, Kory attributes her sister’s constant rebellion as the reason, and yet, Kory herself was a bit of a rule breaker, sleeping with her guard, Fiddei.

Kory was being suffocated by the laws and customs of her home planet; one could say she rebelled by going on a mission, to escape her duties. Home did neither of them any favors because while one rebelled because she did not fit in, the one who did fit in was dying inside, surrounded by little robots and becoming one herself. Being told what to eat, wear and who to love or be friends with is yikes.

I was thinking Kom began her game of manipulation in the bunker, but she really started before that when she sent Fiddei to bring Kory home when she probably intended to kill him all along. After all she would’ve castrated him if she’d had the chance to for sleeping with Kory in the first place. Shortly after Fiddei’s death, Kory flamed out. No powers. Emotionally wrung out from the news her family was dead and now the culprit is here. These two know each other very well and know exactly how to get underneath each other’s skin. Right now Kom is getting underneath Kory’s and our girl is losing patience fast. 

I’m wondering when exactly Dick will tune into Kory’s anxiety-ridden state and step in to support.

Ultimately, I just want to see what truly happened to the girls on their planet and how we have the versions we have now. Like, Kory said to Rachel, “No one is born good or bad, we are defined by our choices.” I get the feeling Kory has given Kom so many chances to make a different choice and has become disillusioned, meanwhile Kom believes nothing she does will give her the respect she feels she deserves anyway, so she may as well blow shit up, figuratively and literally. At least then she’ll have Kory’s attention.

Gar: 

Gar losing it on Dick was so cathartic and yet he could’ve gone much further, considering Dick abandoned him last season to go jail and hallucinate Bruce. It ultimately led to Gar (and Conner) being kidnapped and experimented on by Mercy. It’s actually all the adults fault this happened, but as the leader promoting his family everywhere he goes, he needs to keep his eye on the ball. He would know if he spent five minutes at home with them that Gar is struggling. Last season Gar was #OperationSaveTitans and this season he’s #ThisFamilyIsDying. He’s doing what the adults should be doing, or at least leading the charge on it. He’s the glue, but who will hold him together?

He’s carrying too much emotional responsibility and Dick’s dismissal, because he is fully locked into Gotham and being Batman, makes me mad. Get your head in the game, Grayson. Gotham is going to eat your family while you retread the nostalgic steps of your past.

We all know Dick’s not good at expressing himself emotionally, though he’s usually forced to express something when talking to or being confronted by Kory, so I was proud of him for giving Gar the floor to speak. I just wish Gar spoke about himself, but then again, he needs more time and consistent offers to be heard. I’m happy Dick followed up the conversation up with a bonding/training session. There was definitely pride in Dick’s face because Gar really has come a long way in this group, but he needs MORE SCREEN TIME. I’d like to see the two of them out in the field together the way we’ve seen Kory this season with Gar and Conner. 

I wonder if Gar losing control is the start of all his trauma bubbling up to the surface, will being in Gotham, hunting down a friend be too much?

As a side, has the CGI tiger face gotten worse?

Kom (and Conner):

First thing’s first, what music are we thinking Kom listens to? Probably the kind of music she can break your tailbone to, like, Kendrick Lamar, J. Cole and Jay Z, or Prince, Jimmy Hendrix, Stevie Nicks and Led Zeppelin? Rihanna?

Kom is absolutely a villain this season and if she isn’t, what a waste that’ll be. A mastermind at mind games (see, her picking up the chess piece), who is going to drum up Kory’s paranoia and anxiety around her being there. Trying to kill her suspicion by guilt tripping her while simultaneously being a do good-er to the group, feigning interest in helping the Titans to earn her way in, a tip from our boy, Conner.

She says she wants acceptance and I believe that’s absolutely true, but she doesn’t know how to get that without using power, so she’ll continue to covet acceptance through and with power because according to Kory, she’s always been a climber. Add to that, being born the cursed child and the only royal member born without the gift of fire, something that differentiates them from the common folk, being too frail to participate in the same games as Kory, having a speech therapist be her only friend while being the object of ridicule and you have a villain origin story nicely set up.

I really enjoyed Conner and Kom’s exchange. The boy lit up when he spoke about seeing his family happy and it made me light up. He’s so genuine and has a big heart and Kom is going to take advantage of it, that’s not to say she won’t develop real feelings for him, but she can like him and still use him.

Conner’s “you have to earn your way into the family,” is perhaps an internal and personal struggle he has from sharing blood with Luthor. I think it may come from an insecure place because he was made a titan as soon as he woke up and no one questioned it, but as he’s only half of superman, he’s constantly trying to prove his usefulness for good, which losing Hank has rocked, leaving him vulnerable to Kom’s recognition for his otherness. Their otherness.

She gave us insight into her mind, but also she has likely seized an opportunity to use the vulnerability against Conner and to her favor by making him her kindred. Outcasts. Will she gain influence over him? He’s still young and learning, and trusting, too.

Her interest in him felt layered, ignoring the ugly customs of sex servants, she was also observing Kory’s relationships and ranking them in her sister’s life. Her being able to determine who may have Kory’s interest (which Kory gave away with her vulnerable display of worry over Dick’s welfare in front of Kom) will surely come into play at some point, right? After all, Kom did kill Kory’s last lover/royal guard. This may be me projecting. LOL.

Romantically, I’m waiting to see how they play it before I decide if I like it or not, but so far, they have a nice chemistry. Friendly.

Dick (and Barbara) :

What a lovable dumb ass. 

I was so happy Kory lost it on him and called him on his lone ranger shit, at least when it’s her, even when he’s being an idiot, he’s still listening. “Let’s go.” and I thought it was hilarious that he tried explaining himself, but when Gar called him out, he got all huffy with, “Excuse me, young man.”

Gar asking Kory not to have words with Barbara over Dick getting shot was so funny because Dick’s face seemed to ask the same when she asked how it happened. We love a protective Kory. I’ll be looking at him when it’s his turn to reciprocate.

I don’t like him dismissing their concerns about his personal safety and how it affects them, it’s like he’s learned nothing after running off alone to battle Trigon, or rather has unlearned his lessons of S2. I’d like to see some more permanent emotional growth from him by this season’s end. In his current state, he’s not an exuding leader. He can’t be when he’s still wrapped up in Bruce and all things Gotham. He’s not tuned into Kory’s anxiety, or Conner’s grief and insecurity, or Gar’s emotional burden. 

He’s started making it up to him, but he has much to do in taking Gar’s concerns and emotional needs seriously.

I’m not even going to try and work out the timeline between Barbara and Dick and Dick and old Titans in San Fran and S1. But it doesn’t bode well that Dick’s dream with Barbara ended in a nightmare. 

I wish they’d never did the whole Dick and Dawn relationship in S2 because they’re basically repeating some of the beats in showing us how they don’t work as a couple, only his relationship with Babs makes a lot more sense even though I don't care. Dick has unfinished business with that relationship, Bruce and Gotham and I can only hope he’s wrapped it up for good by this season’s end. I want to see relaxed, smiling and happy Dick in THE PRESENT. I still Babs will be the one to notice and point out Dick's feelings for Kory.

Barbara (outside of Dick) is being downplayed a little, no? Dismissing Dick’s suspicions about Jason when he arrived, showing no knowledge of Jason’s visits to Crane and then taking the bait and moving Crane after he got a light beat down. A commissioner who was also a very capable vigilante is tricked by a recording and goes to meet “Bruce” on her own. I really enjoyed that she could hold her own and the fight scene was really good, but it was a bit baffling that she fell for that ruse. So far, she’s not entirely good at her job.

Dick’s a distraction in his own right and her feelings clearly get in the way, which is why she keeps asking him to leave the precinct and Gotham; because she’s pining a fantasy and he’s ruining it. Lastly, I really like the way Savannah plays Barbara.

Why’d they do that to Tim?? :(

Overall, it was a better episode and I enjoyed it more than latter episodes, but they’re not quite there yet for me. I’m  still waiting for Team Titans.

[stuckybarton]

Before You Go [One Shot]

SUMMARY: Ransom Hugh Drysdale has finally done it, his greed had come to bite him in the ass and he was now facing life without parole. Gone was the arrogant trust fund grandson, now a man that had nothing remained. Behind an orange jumpsuit and a lifetime to reflect how his world comes crashing down from his own doing. He has come into terms with his action, but someone comes back in his life to see him before she goes live her life again without him. [Post-Knives Out AU]

WARNING: Slight Profanities(?) Not Beta’d

CHARACTERS: Ransom Drysdale x Future Ex Wife!FOC [unnamed]

WORDS: 1881

A/N: The ending of this is so ugh! i don't like how it ends, but yeah.

Years of knowing one Ransom Drysdale, the years of hating him, loving him, and marrying him. To see him in this predicament was by far the last thing she would have ever believed to would happen to her husband--ex-husband as soon as she could get his signature of the Divorce Papers. This man in a horrible orange jumpsuit and horrible workers boots was not her husband.

"What have you done, Ran?" she questioned finally sitting in front of him.

Ransom and the rest of his family still had a sway in the powers above and here they both sat. Alone, with only three correctional officers watching over them, listening with intrigue as the man had finally had a visitor that he approved of. Sitting in a metal chair that creaked as most of her weight rested on the back, she was led to wonder more about this moment, how could this happen to him, how could he let himself go into the deep end like this.

"What I needed to do." he shrugged, gone was the arrogance in his stance, no longer did he have a snide remark or a comeback. She was left to watch the glory of her lover now turn into ashes. Ransom Drysdale had finally come to accept his fate behind the steel bars.

Her hands clenched as she rested them on her lap, the hard folder that rested on top of it already burning her. This was one of the reasons she came here. To find her closure and live the life he could never give her. The Thrombey-Drysdale Clan were dysfunctional in every sense of the word, in all her years of knowing them and having to interact with them, they were the most vile and cruel family she had ever been associated with. It made her wonder, if that very family was the cause of what came to be known as Ransom, the black sheep that never truly had the love and support of his parents--desperate for money that he forced to make ends meet, even with lives were on the line, his grandfather's life being on the line.

She sighed, eyes skimming the white painted room. The lack of windows and sunlight brought a more harrowing scene before her.

Turning her attention back to her husband, there was this look on his eyes that she has never seen before. The emptiness in his blue hues breaks her heart more than she would ever admit.

Had this been her fault? Was she not strong enough for the two of them and this was what it led to? Ransom thrown into jail and she was empty with the ghost of what could have been. But then again, it had been his own doing why she had to go. She couldn't bare to see him like this, to live a life of a bachelor while she waited at him, stagnation had been the plague that had her leave and never come back.

"You weren't out of the country when there was a Will Reading with the attorney?" He inquired eyes finally landing right back at her. The same blue eyes now turned back to her.

"I left because of money, I wanted nothing out of your Grandfather's money, and having me in the same room as those assholes you call your family would only prove their point." she spat. Why was he questioning something he knew very well the answer to. "I was in California, just got partnered and I'm in the process of moving everything I own cross country." she admits.

"So that's why you're here?" he inquire. "Here to gloat? Tell me once again you've regret marrying as arrogant prick like me."

Taking a deep breath, she counted to ten. A mantra her therapist had said when dealing with Ransom, dealing with him putting words in her mouth. One of the many reasons why they fell apart and constant misery had laid waste in their marriage and in what was left of their relationship.

"I just want to know why you had to do this? Why did it have to come to this? Money wouldn't have been a problem for the two of us. We're set for life, my parents are ready to give the company to us, all they wanted was a grandchild. That was all they ever wanted from the two of us."

The argument that had been constant in their life was her wanting to have child and Ransom being unable to let go of his lavish bachelor lifestyle. They loved each other, she had hoped and prayed that will never stop, but their priorities weren't set straight, more so Ransom. She couldn't allow herself to constantly clean up his messes, deal with his horrible family, and juggle the responsibility thrown at her by her parents for her own future. She just gave in, their relationship became collateral because of it. The fact that he didn't make an effort only proves where their relationship stood.

"So what did you do instead of being my husband?" she inquired. "You slept with countless of women behind my back." The way his eyes finally broke from her own stare made it more evident of the betrayal the man had done to her. "You have proven to my parents over and over again why I don't deserve someone like you."

This wasn't the reason why she was here, but Ransom was making it so hard to control herself, to stop the emotions from spilling out of her resolve. This will be the last time she see him before she moves on with her life. With shaky hands she placed the folder towards him. Eyes finally falling towards his hands that took hold of the document at hand.

"I want a divorce, Ransom. I should have done this years ago, I was just too stupid to think you'd try to make this work."

She watched him read through the papers, each paper cemented what she had tried her best to convince him of. It was never the money.

"You're giving me what Harlan gave you in his inheritance?" Ransom questioned.

She didn't need to be part of the will reading to know the circus that Harlan had made, giving most of his assets to Martha, and a portion of it was given to her. It was no chump change. Blood Like Wine Publishing was under her name, and the harassment she had to endure because of the Thrombey-Drysdale family was not worth it. This was her only solution.

"You think the old man's lawyer would allow that to happen?" he snorts. "He wrote us all off on his will. There are fine prints on them that even I can't be bothered to read anymore."

"I know." she confirmed. "Harlan had stated that if I were to divorce one Hugh Ransom Drysdale, for whatever reason I may have, the Publishing House, and the entirety of his copyright catalogue with return to the rightful owner, to his grandson, no one else."

How the gears were now turning in his head. He has come to realize that everything that he had done was for nothing. The inheritance was still his had he made the right decision all this time. Now here he was, to rot in jail for who knows how long and the stagnation that was to come for the inheritance he was too consumed in taking for himself.

"Why not keep it then?"

"Like I told you, it's never about the money." she sighed turning her attention towards one of the guards, with his head jerking towards his watch, she knew she didn't have much time left. "I gave you everything but as much as I know Harlan's legacy would be in my good hands, if it means having to be forever your wife, I'd rather have nothing that is smeared with your family name anymore."

"You know I did love you."

"Well it wasn't enough for you to keep it in your pants."

"So that's it. Once I sign, it's game over for the two of us?"

Deep breaths. She keep telling herself to take deep, measure breaths. It wasn't worth it to stoop down to his level anymore.

"It's been over for far too long, Ransom. For once, just this once, do this for me. Let me go. I want to be happy, away from you, away from your family, and away from the memory that I can't look at my husband without remembering all of the women I've seen in our home."

That was it, the first line of tears fell from her cheeks and she was a mess. Pleading over and over for him to sign the Divorce papers and the transfer of ownership of the Publishing house to him. In what felt like hours, the sound of pen on paper had overpowered her sob, each line that needed his signature he had signed. The stone face he had could fool no one, not even her. Everything was falling apart for him.

As soon as the folder had closed, he tried leaning towards her, to which she leaned away. She had been tricked by him and his charms countless of times, but this time she will not allow it. She's already done so much, she couldn't see herself wasting it all over again for him. In one swift motion, she had slid the folder away from his hold and taking the pen with her.

She stood, wiping the last remaining tears from her eyes as she tried to compose herself.

"You're free now, Ransom. You've got the money you've always wanted, but you've lost me, you've lost the one last person that had always saw the best in you. I hope you can sleep at night knowing that."

He smirked, the bravado was back. Blue eyes twinkled, but it was far too dim from what he usually had.

"Eat shit, Ex-wife."

She nodded, acceptance finally caving in. This was for the best. For herself and for the life she had made for herself without him in it. Nodding towards the guards, they had now escorted Ransom back to his cell, but he halted just inch from the door.

"Before you go, Babe." he called out. "We could have made it work, if you just fucking saw they weren't anything to me. I never slept with any of them, I didn't even kiss any of them. I always thought I could, break your heart and all that, hoping to make you see that I'm just like what my family said I was."

"And you succeeded, congratulations Ransom. You're even worse that your family for doing this to me."

"I have a different way of loving."

"Yeah well, hope you enjoy the money, Ran. Heard you can bring a few hookers here from time to time. Make the most out of it from me will you."

"Yes Ma'am."

With one last look at her, he followed the guards back to his cell. Leaving her alone with the finality she had always needed in her life. No longer was she chained to him and no longer was she bound to the toxicity of his dysfunctional family. She was free, and that was all she ever wanted.