#life is short live it while you can
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My old art. I should redo them because I have no idea where they are
Carpe Diem is a front facing human skull in yellow peonies? On a white background
Momento mori carpe diem in silver is a 3 quarters view human skull on blue morning glories with green leaves on a blue and white background
Both are mostly watercolor. Possible future prints.
By SallyA
For hel
#momento mori#carpe diem#skull#morning glory#peony#watercolor#myart#life is short live it while you can#however you can
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Dungeon lord Chilchuck
What would his wish as a dungeon lord be? What would he be like? Headcanons & speculation post for fun. But I’ll start with analytic lead up because that’s always fun for me, though feel free to skip and skim.
When it comes to what Chilchuck’s dungeon lord desires could/would be like we have mainly 3 hints: His nightmare, his succubus and what the winged lion says to him.
Why: — From what we see nightmares are based on the person’s worst fears and insecurities, both Laios’ and Marcille’s nightmare were closely tied to their dungeon lord wishes (Laios’ dream monster being summoned to crush the ghosts of relationships that represented the pressure to fit in and belong, Marcille seeking control over death and aging through magic to avoid loss), the fuel behind their desire/goal if you will. Fear and deep-seated desires are seemingly closely tied, something also supported by Thistle and Mithrun’s reigns as dungeon lords (Thistle proving his worth through fulfilling his given duty + protecting his loved ones, being listened to instead of having to listen, Mithrun escaping rigid two-faced elven society and living in a wonderland where he has no enemies and he’s loved, free from everyone he knew yet propped up by the person symbolizing his brother being chosen over him, the bastard child).
— I’ve talked about the significance I assign to the succubi often by now, but rundown: What we see of each character is all very telling if you care to listen, it shows not only someone’s "ideal form" but what they want from it. Izutsumi’s is familial, offering a hug and comfort, Marcille’s is romantic with a character she knows and loves, offering a kiss on a hand and a connection regardless of how distant it actually is, and Laios’ is platonic, arguable at first but then Laios’ fear of judgement is placated and he is offered the picture perfect friend group that accepts his interest (if you want my full look at Laios’ succubus go here). They take on the most alluring form, most ideal person of their victim, even uncovering deep subconscious desires, so precisely and effectively to the point it leaves victims physically frozen before the object of their desire. Succubi and the demon are themselves tied in lore and it’s easy to see how similar their core skill are. Succubi don’t give a good idea of what a character would wish for on their own but they certainly give hints on what they crave, regardless of how you want to read it.
— Last bit is self-explanatory. To placate Chilchuck and win his compliance over, the monster that reads your soul like an open book offers to give him something specific. But! It’s also important to remember that the lion isn’t offering to fulfill Chilchuck’s dream world wish here, it’s a second prize, because his goal with what he promised Laios is that they’d stay in this world, away from everyone and everything else. Chilchuck wants to get away but is kept back, and it’s here the lion placates him with "hey it’s okay! You can’t do that but I can still give you this! This is enough right? It’ll make everything easier on you".
What each bit says: — Long version in another post. Tldr: His daughters and family are obviously important to him, and this reinforces that he takes on the role of protector a lot, he’s constantly worried for his party members’ lives and implicitly his family’s. Safety and stability, both economical and otherwise, are his core values and goals, and he berates both others and himself if someone fails on those fronts. Here, there’s the fear of not being enough, of not having been able to protect, and of course of loss.
— Chil’s succubi are obviously sexual, and not only that but agressively and straightforwardly so. It’s not like Marcille’s where there’s personality involved, all they do is give him sultry looks and pretty smiles before jumping on him. His succubi aren’t like Izutsumi’s, always the same exact person and appearance, so it’s not someone but an appealing general idea. The idea of a sexual being he can regard as simply a gorgeous piece of meat and a good time no strings attached. In my interpretation, especially with my reading of Laios’ succubus where even with deep-seated desires negative emotions can be too intense to effectively freeze a victim, I think this doesn’t contradict his character. Relationships have been painful to him in the past, in the succubus scene when his wife gets mentioned his immediate reaction is to yell "Don’t bring her up now!", like with his habit of drinking and as a tallman liking his senses feeling dulled, it’s about not having to feel emotions with how difficult they are to deal with sometimes and just feeling good, or at least not having to think, for a while. If a succubus showcases someone’s ideal connection with an ideal person, then Chilchuck’s is with a pretty person that doesn’t stir any negative memory or drama, someone low stakes and low maintenance that doesn’t require him to manage or talk out feelings because there’s none involved in the first place.
— Once more, wife and family are important! He does long for his family, not only his wife but his daughters, and vice versa. This suggests not only that he wants good relationships with them but that he wants them to be with him, a family life. Far from the cut communication they all more of less have during canon, and perhaps far from their life pre-canon when he worked away from home a significant amount of time. We’ve seen recreations of people by the winged lion before with doppelgangers and monsters (naga), and though he claims he can make satisfying imitations, what we’ve seen is that they base themselves on the best memories of that person, like with Marcille’s dad, or twist behavior to be more pleasant, like Mithrun’s lover (and possibly twist appearances depending on the person’s view of them, but that’s Mithrun analysis). The line does suggest Chilchuck would want his family members as they are in reality and not idealized versions, but the circumstances are chaotic and urgent enough in the scene (and again the lion isn’t fulfilling Chilchuck’s wish but trying to make him content for Laios’) that it could just be the winged lion saying what he needs to to convince him the fastest possible, and like we see with Laios that can crumble to give way to deeper or more complex desires.
On top of that we just have general info on Chil. How does Chilchuck deal with his issues? What does he like to do? He likes alcohol and ignoring his problems. We have to remember there is a split between what someone would consciously wish for and what their soul uncontrollably irrationally craves. As always with Dunmeshi, there’s a narrative of irrational deep-seated desires vs active wants, what you crave vs what you strive for, what you dream of vs what’s actually good for you, the animal vs the human inside you, heart vs mind. Chilchuck craving a harem of hot babes in his fantasies but wanting his family life & wife back again is not mutually exclusive. You may crave becoming a monster and tasting what humans are like a little but still want to save the world & your friends more.
Btw can we adress the irony of him terrified of being the last one alive, of being left by his daughters and wife, of having left and coming back home one day to see everything gone or rampaged, yet not caring about dying of liver failure himself, knowing every time that he enters a dungeon there’s a real risk he may not come out. Die somewhere I can’t see you. I prefer leaving you than being left behind. He’s selfish and shortsighted like that… Chilchuck is selfless in many ways of course, but perhaps also due to his own relationship with his parents, he often undermines the effects he has on others in his relationships, both the good and the bad (he talks himself down about being cowardly and greedy yes, but never hints at his bad health habits, alcoholism and starving himself, may have affected his loved ones, doesn’t question his wife falling into a bad mood the night before she left, and talks about the possibility of dying here and there very casually, though obviously he tries his best to stay alive when it doesn’t concern his health).
Chilchuck king of "Let me just avoid and ignore my problems surely they’ll go away, things might work out and if they don’t well tough luck I’ll survive and I probably deserve it anyways". If I don’t look at it it will dissapear <3 Why care when you can simply not think about it.
You might not understand Mister "my love will stay strong through months of work travel and also 4 years of separation" and Mister "well idk my siblings and me are kinda strangers and my dad is dead but that’s kinda whatever", but typically relationships need some form of maintenance and emotional availability…
The actual headcanons finally
I kinda have 2 routes in mind for dunlord Chil and both of them are centered on "I care too much, i wish things were easy", so first is a lot like his succubi, it’s full on indulging in his guilty pleasures like alcohol and bodies and it’s to keep him in a constant state of thrill and euphoria and distracted, unfeeling about stuff that really matters. "Nothing matters except that I’m enjoying the moment!" vibe. He gets to live a life worthy of Dionysus, with alcohol and women and debauchery and like— never having to think again, never having to feel anything but pleasure again, never have to feel guilty or shitty or angry or sad. He has a harem and gets everything on a silver platter.
Breaking news demon magic-induced rush of euphoria and power still not enough to cure this man of his self-hatred nor his capacity for thought!! But in his case a state of euphoria is what he seeks I think, to kinda mask or replace the Everything Else.
The other is what I think closer to what canon suggests, with what WL implied too with "I’ll make you a new wife and kids like the originals!! 😊", it’s a (spoilers) Wandavision type thing where it’s a slice of life where he’s never at work and always at home and the family eats lunches at the dinner table together and everything and everyone at any moment is just. Happy. No issues. It was all a dream, this is real and everything is fine and your family is perfect and happy. I like to think the timeline would be wonky, his daughters would fluctuate in age, but he’d want to be there for what he missed, would want them to still rely on him and look up to him like when they were young, would like to forget that they’re now independent adults and the distance that grew between Chilchuck and his siblings is happening between them as well. Chil would want doppelgangers of his family imo, at its core just a general wish for a peaceful happy family life with no drama, no need to compromise, a little paradise of unconditional love and no consequences. It’s for sure straightforward, but Chilchuck is a man with straightforward desires…
But see Chilchuck is a greedy man, and he wants it both ways without having to sacrifice anything or expanding any efforts himself. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I think playing with these two opposite directions and mixing and matching is most fun. Him leading a life where he indulges in all his worst habits while still having everything he wants… Him getting to have BOTH his wife and any woman he can imagine up, his life like two sides of a coin he can flip at any moment where he’s partying then he’s at home enjoying the quiet and his toddler daughters playing with toys on the carpet. Christ when you remember it’s all an illusion that’s terrifying, the doppelgangers and succubi from the winged lion playing chilchuck ping pong.
A safe little haven both security-stability wise and emotionally. Gets to have both the relaxing and the thrilling in any dose he wants, mixed or separatedly. What I’d argue he had pre-canon too: Can live it up in taverns away from home, stays away from home for long periods of time, and can come back to home aka the symbol of relaxation and safety whenever he decides to. Something he can leave and come back to at will, an anchor he can trust in (until it’s taken from him and his wife leaves. Or in his worse nightmare people rush in and kill his daughters). The ideal of a house and family to a working man, perhaps…
I think it’s fun to think on wether or not these desires would be interesting at all to the winged lion… In canon he seeks out "rare/complex desires", common simple things like I imagine riches, sex, substances and pleasure would be are boring to him, he’s eaten those so many times already. So perhaps he wouldn’t last long as a dunlord, the WL would want to eat him fully quick, can’t keep him interested or waiting long for a meager meal, too much effort raising the cattle and too low quality meat. By making it more twisted or layered Chil’s desire would become more desirable to the demon, it’s part of what’s fun with the third option to me. But whatever. Has he ever eaten a guy with this much repression and self-sabotage... Like trying to get the meat out of a walnut, enrichment…
Other dunlord Chil takes I’ve seen that are fun and good:
@feelo-fick and @pluvio-floret have a dunlord Chilchuck AU project dubbed "tragedy AU" where Chilchuck is said to be "on vacation", in a weird delirious state, only half-there half of the time… From which he doesn’t want to wake up </3 Quoting Feelo, this is why the vacation thing is only a half-joke cause he is 1) letting all his responsibilities go 2) indulging in himself and 3) "spending time with his family" <- lie but you get what i mean. Additional comments that have me vigorously nodding: because changing is hard why cant things just be okay right now without the effort !!! Life is hard he’s so so tired he just wants to feel good… he just wants life to feel nice and easy for a sec while he can learn to breathe again and lose the stress and trauma he’s accumulated…….. spoiler alert yes !!! in fact a depressed person can suck themselves into their job and lock out the world who wouldve thought !!!
And then Cabinette I know posted about his dunlord take once but I don’t have the link, in which Chil has a lot of nosebleeds because of mana overload which is fun and interesting to think about imo~
In dunmeshi, where characters get underground pockets of the world as their playground disconnected from everything outside and the rest of the world, it’s important to remember to face reality even if it has conflict and people with different views and stances from you, it’s something Chilchuck and Marcille and everyone needed to learn, and the thing with a dungeon lord AU is that you imagine a timeline where he fails to <3
A timeline where his dungeon lord wish is to desire nothing bc hope and want has only ever hurt him would also go so hard. Very universal thing though I suppose.
… And this is why a Chilchuck-centric Coraline AU is really really interesting and fitting and topical— Ok that’ll go in a separate reblog/post at @Fumiku I need to let this end
#Dungeon meshi#chilchuck tims#Analysis#dungeon lord chilchuck#Spoilers#dungeon meshi manga spoilers#Wish we could put just parts of a post under a ‘click to read more’ box that scrolls open and closes neatly#Bc 3/4th of the post is just extra explanation for ppl who don’t See The Vision already but like that’s not what i wanted most of the post#to be really gdbdg#Headcanons#You could say the family also represents something he’s built up with how own hands. If he has self-worth issues and thinks he’s a screw-up#in the virtue/honor and likability department especially— his family destroyed/killed also represents the one biggest good thing#he’s done/created crumbling also. Like his wife leaving without a word while he trusted their relationship this can hugely impact#one’s sense of identity and self-worth and what you’re living life for. In his case it’s not too surprising he turned to simple#physical pleasures for comfort and enjoyment. Like with tasting good food having moments feeling good keeps you going#He always focuses on the bad relationships bring and never the good aghhhh#The reverse of Marcille who often idealizes. They both ignore problems in their relationships in opposite ways.#What do you mean why do i bring up marcille. Okay yes this’ll get a marchil Fumiku short brainstorm reblog as well#Chilchuck is so… curse of having feelings and not realizing the extent of them. Underestimating how much you care#It’s either ‘i’m fine who cares’ or falling into the pits of despair and blaming himself n spilling his whole bag no inbetween#Dunmeshi succubus#Fumi rambles#boy that’s what this boils down to i suppose#Family angst “Hey I came back home from work and i’m tired so don’t talk to me about problems or anything k? I’m here to relax smh damn”#< unwilling to admit he has issues he should be working on or that some things are affecting others negatively#Chil you are so enneagram 6w7 <3
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getting kicked out of the mouthwashing fandom the second i say that an upbeat silly song really reminds me of jimmy
#okay but have you ever listened to limelight by xtc cause thats literally him#“im in love with myself. please dont break the spell or give it to somebody elseeeeeeee”#“i am a success. at least for a short while. i make decisions. influence peopleeeeeeeeee”#let me live my life okay#mouthwashing#jimmy mouthwashing#💚 i can fix this
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i am actually so tired of the way westerners treat eastern europeans
#fair warning for. a very very long ramble and rant in the tags. apologies#westerner or russian. no other option#westerner because the only thought they ever have is 'but they had universal housing so if you oppose ussr you oppose that'#(which is stupid becuse you can believe in that WITHOUT WANTING LIKE 6 COUNTRIES TO BE FORCED TO BE RULED OVER BY RUSSIA)#(SORRY FOR WANTING TO LIVE IN MY COUNTRY WITH MY HISTORY AND MY CULTURE AND NOT RUSSIA!!) (poland was a sattelite state but GOD)#or russian because they have a victim complex and are convinced that they deserve to rule over the entire damn world#'well you had universal housing so you had it easy' right yeah. okay. forget about like. everything else that happened#to eastern europeans during that time#forget about the things that are STILL issues all these years later not only in poland but like the more eastern countries too#its not about. the fact that the houses 'didnt have 3 bedrooms and a jacuzzi' in them. you DUMB SACK OF SHIT#god sorry. sorry. i also know so very little but like god damn i fucking live here. i didnt sit thru all that modern history#for some dumbfuck to say that 'ohhh only rich and american middle class people are happy the ussr was dissolved'#'oooh the dissolving of the ussr was illegal and the countries within it actually liked being there'#im just so fucking tired man i need to. i need to start killing people#and this is all not to mention that theyll say this stupid shit and then deny eastern europeans the things they actually did that were good#FUCK french people for trying to claim maria skłodowska. fuck americans for trying to claim the witcher as their own fantasy world#fuck the way the west is allowed to claim and destroy eastern european culture without any consequence because we dont matter enough#vaguely related but ill throw this in here since anyone finding it is unlikely and im scared of having this opinion#i think one underappreciated aspect of DE (which might be underappreciated because its not actually there and im stupid)#is that its pro-communist while still also giving some criticism to how it was handled and acknowledging that its still not perfect#which makes the writers much better communists than any self-proclaimed one ive ever met in my life who just worships the idea#perhaps its because the writers of the game were not white upper middle-class americans living in the suburbs. among other things#idk de is a game for people far smarter than me and i only played it once and im sure anyone who played it well can clock me as a bad perso#horrible horrible person even which is why im scared of mentioning it. but its an interesting thing. to me#the main thing is that im just not. im not far left enough i suppose. i agree communism in theory is a great idea. as far as i know it#(which isnt very far)#but chances of implementing it correctly in a way that doesnt take away from peoples happiness in other areas is. low. very low#i wrote a short essay about how utopias are inherently contradictory ideas once it wasnt very deep or good but like#you cant have universal happiness without restricting certain freedoms. and when those freedoms are resticted not everyone#will be happy. and then theyre unhappy they will have to be somehow removed or ignored
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Ep 5!!!
#Episodes that make me go “The author has never talked with a woman ever” 😓😓😓#I don't like how Lucy's character is handled at all. And I feel like I can't talk about it because I'm just going to sound like a bitter–#ss/kk shipper... But I really don't like it. And if it can help my case I'm a multishipper so I really don't take any–#issues with atsu/lucy I like the ship quite a lot actually.#So you're telling me there's this girl... Who meets this boy who pretty much ruined her life by directly causing her to lose her job...#And the next time she sees him she's going to sacrifice her own freedom for him as well as tell him “when you're done doing your things–#come and save me” (longest ewwww ever)... And when she regains freedom (author didn't bother to explain how because they don't care)–#she goes to work... As a waitress at the café beneath his workplace. So he can keep doing his Cool Superpowers Job while she literally–#must serve him every time he visits the place. It's just ?????????????????????????????????#Look‚ I don't dislike Lucy and I feel general affection towards her. It's just that they make her act like no one ever would#Just for the sake of the plot I guess#And like I knoww it's (probably just a little) more nuanced than that. I know Lucy is living her own fairy tale fantasy.#It's just that what I've said about her story is still true‚ you know?#I'm sorry but as sweet as atsu/lucy can be. I really hate the author for making Lucy a waitress. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.#It's so weird. This anime has women writing standards that feel like dating back to the 20s#Same with Katai and the ideal woman tbh. Like why are women to be seen as this abstract impersonal entities? Why can't they just be people?#Ideal for WHO. It's like super screwed up of a concept. What even is an ideal woman? What does it mean to be a woman anyways?#They just want to say “ideal wife”. But women aren't made to be wives their existence isn't functional to another person.#Sorry. I derail. Next episode is going to be even worse on this front ughhhh#Back to the episode: once again it really shows they were running out of budget with this season‚‚‚ the animation looks very suffered#Too many flashback also... I feel bad for the animators tbh#I don't really like the shift in art style :( Not even Atsushi I found particularly pretty this episode my heart cries#The nail pulling thing made me feel like throwing up afhsjyabfsbfwasfvb I feel like I can bear worse gore but there's a couple of little–#specific things I can't stand and this seems to be one of them pffftttt#I like Higuchi I think she's both very funny and cool. I really wish she was explored more (but then again looking at Teruko... )#The relationship between Kunikida and Katai looks so interesting even though we only get glimpses of it. Kunikida regrets Katai leaving–#the ada but is also happy for him but also worries for him. He comes to his house seemingly to check on him and starts cleaning around.#The way he loves him and cherishes their friendship and shared history is really evident and it makes for a compelling dynamic.#Perhaps I should read their short story... In any case. Going to someone's house and compulsively start doing the dishes half out of will–#to help out half because he can't bear the mess sounds a lot like something I'd do lol
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mob psycho(logical horror) 100
#Chatterbomb#There are some terrifying concepts in there they should be stretched more#That comic reminded me of junji itos The Long Dream#I’ll have to do a rewatch and write some stuff down#The mental prison stuff? Terrifying 10/10#Shigeo in fabricated world for six months is terrifying but I feel like being trapped in a static environment that only gets longer even#Though real world time has barely passed and you are all alone and you can’t escape and you can’t change the environment besides clawing at#The walls#day and night don’t pass with the sun and moon but your body is aging anyway#Nothing changes and you are running out of resources.#How long until you accept no one will come and save you? How much are you willing to starve while waiting for someone who left?#What if the world that trapped you won’t let you die? Starving for centuries without a sign of life#Thinking at some point you must have escaped. Or was it a dream within a dream? Can that happen? How many times have you fallen asleep?#How many dreams deep are you already in?#WHAT IF HE STARTED ROTTING#what if he was living in his own dead body!!!!! Would that be fucked up or what!!!!!#Something about reigen sparks a desire to see him experience pain disconnected with reality#The dreams in train hell are only getting longer. None of them are peaceful. He can’t tell if his hair is greying from aging or how much th#Dreams take a toll on him. How much time has really passed? Can he even rely on how his body is changing? Is it truly time who is#Responsible? Or is it him? Or the train itself?#What if all they found of him was a dryed up body with a beating heart and pulsating brain. Laying limp and clothing scattered#If I really indulge myself the scratched out days. When looked at from farther away. Still marking the potential days reads#Abandon all hope#ye who enter here#Which yeah that’s stretching into being ridiculous but it would be cool TO ME#Dante’s inferno you are so silly and special to me#I got really autistic here but <3 big fan of horror huge fan of suffering <333#ALSO!! taking inspiration from “heck” short film but the days might be counted by “sleeps” as time cannot accurately be measured in a place#That defies universal law#Ok I think I’m done now ok I’m normal probably
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thinking abt how much of my life i’ve lost to depression and i truly want to throw up
#day to day doesn’t feel like much but. oh no it’s been like fully a decade#i wish therapy wasn’t so expensive#bc for a while i was on meds (that. didn’t do much tbh.) but that made me feel like i was Treating It so i was making progress#spoiler alert it did not. and now the fact that i’ve wasted so much of my life is making it worse#bc everyone else i know has like. lives and people in them#and i pretty much just have my parents. and my mom is also going through it#i have relied SO much on them and that also feels bad!!! feels like i’ve taken advantage of them!!!!!#i know people talk about how much it messes w your memory but i figured it was short term bc the days all blend together#i literally had a moment yesterday where i forgot i went to college at all#the whole thing feels like a missed opportunity bc i didn’t do anything i wanted to really#i was too afraid to go to clubs that looked interesting. i didn’t think practically abt what i was studying#i mostly didn’t have roommates but when i did i was Bad At It#i managed to go through the whole time only speaking to like. three people#so you can see how it’s kind of. completely forgettable#i have worked jobs bc it’s a paycheck. never really enjoyed them never really made friends (even tho now i’m kicking myself for not keeping#in touch with some people) but i have always kept a very strong work/life division even in school#because i was there to do a Specific Thing so that’s all that matters yknow#anyway. sometimes i DO wish i could go back to high school bc even tho it sucked. it was structured#and i had resources and more time to try things and like. a life outside of my computer. a little bit#yknow. i feel like people have more sympathy if you’re anxious abt everything and never gone outside#when you’re 16 as opposed to 25
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kinda feel like the hopeless:romantic ratio's been a little too skewed on the side of hopeless lately
#misc#rambling jot#yearning on main#I know it's not the be-all-end-all but sometimes a little more romantic and a little less hopeless would be nice#i truly believe you can live a happy and fulfilling life while single dgmw#but sometimes. man i just wanna fall in love with someone. and them fall in love with me. and we cook inthe kitchen together. and it's nic#*sigh*#welp. better go write a pop-punk song about it i guess#or just go for a short walk outside#or both#emo#pop-punk#hopeless romantic
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'jiang cheng would like a strong woman' have you considered she would probably not like him
#if a woman who demands to be treated by respect/maturity/communication meets jc it would be over before it begins#if she has a low tolerance for being yelled at mocked etc. etc. well you can see how short it'll be. even personalized gifts he failed at#he has so much to work on. the only exception is if she likes hot messes I guess and she doesn't mind being yelled at#OR if she wanted to study him like a bug. if she truly sweeps in take control of LP and starts issuing orders#AND likes jc for whatever reason. maybe THAT could work. but it HAS to be a good reason it cannot be 🥺🥺🥺 he had a sad life#or thinks his inability to communicate is sexy or whatever. man idk. I feel like any woman with the independence to choose#would see the red flags immediately and gtfo. as a sect leader he has so much authority. his wife wld possibly bein a rly dangerous positio#actually we have canonical evidence. hi wq. in a lifetime of being legendary your refusal to marry this guy#even tho it meant you'd die a starving enemy of the state is up there as one of the best <3 rest in peace#and yes living a short happy life with wn and granny and a-yuan and wwx and her family#WAS more gratifying and better for her than a long and probably miserable life being jc's obligation wife while he awkwardly does his best#to be a good husband. and fails. because I mean. he needs help and a wife is not gonna fix him. also her family and wwx are dead :/#however our girl made her choice and was spared that fate love and light rest in peace#not that she made it for herself like we know she did it for her family. but I imagine she was like WHEW dodged a bullet there#cql txp
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i have all these draft documents of half finished fics full of lines i love but that are so fundamentally flawed i can't figure out how to finish them and can't kill my darlings mercilessly enough to get past the roadblocks so i just reread them over and over and think damn this is kinda fire. wish it was anywhere near shareable.
#UGHHHHH 10k allydia fic full of dead end plotlines that lives in my google drive you will always be famous to me and me alone#allison is resurrected and i have this short bit about the five stages of grief vs the five stages of decomposition but idk if i can keep i#bc it works better if allison was dead longer. but i LIKE those lines............#i have like the barest of bones for like 6 different parts of the tw hunger games au fics......#scott one is at 4500k but i decided a while ago i need to change one of the main plot points and it's killing me bc that's like 90% of it#but i like the writing and it's like three scenes from completion!! but i can't bring myself to be happy with where i brought the plot 😔#SICK AND TWISTED!!!!!!!!!!#the tua fic that is my white whale..... reverse robins plot points plan and like four different false start documents......#the robins ghost au i never figured out a plot for....... the tommy dies instead of barb au........ THE JASON CARVER TIMELOOP STORY.......#i really like the opening i wrote for the jason time loop but that's all i wrote bc i realized i'd have to figure out a plot and rewatch s4#and like. :/ idk if i'm willing to do all that. for jason carver?? well.#i have this criminal minds fic where reid gets the flu bc he refuses to get vaccinated bc he's terrified of needles after georgia#and jj shows up to check on him bc she's also dealing w the georgia anniversary so she's desperate for proof of life#and it's like 80% done but i stopped super caring about cm a few years ago and now every time i remember it i'm like :/#i could spruce that up and post it if i really wanted to! it's not bad at all! but will i ever do that.........#OH MY GOD the like 4k i wrote from the POV of this girl stalking reid?? like i wanted to do a casefic from the unsub's perspective#i forgot about that one i was really invested in it for a while actually did a lot of research and really tried to make her sympathetic#shoutout to the random extra from that episode w jason alexander who i decided was gonna be Gwen The Stalker <3#throwback to my criminal minds era that was wild#anyways truly it is the allydia one the twthg xovers the reverse robins and the tua longfic that haunt me constantly#i always cycle between thinking about one of them on and off
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things that fill me with rage: people who spend hours and hours and hours camped out in the main central parts of the house which you need access to in peace by yourself for like 20-30 minutes just to do basic selfcare--let alone actual sanity time outside your room--every single day from before you wake up in the morning until at best the last few hours of your day, where any energy you had is gone and you're having to recover/catch back up from a day trapped in your room with no selfcare
things that fill me with enough rage to blow up the sun: people who do this and every now and then fake you out by going Somewhere the Fuck Else for literally just long enough for you to hustle out of your room--or even start to--before SIKE they come right back through and start camping A G A I N. this time while you are probably trapped outside your room until the thing is done, and/or it'll be Rude to very obviously turn around and leave to avoid them. which they WILL inevitably take offense at. 🙃🙃🙃🙃
#moogletalks#venting#like genuinely unless you are disabled in a way that makes it difficult/spoons-intensive to move from one place to another#it is ungodly fucking shitty and rude to monopolize the house for the *entire fucking day every single day*#ESPECIALLY. IF YOU ARE GOING TO EVEN SLIGHTLY JUDGE PEOPLE FOR EITHER AVOIDING YOU OR EXISTING IN YOUR LINE OF SIGHT.#straight the fuck up it is a basic basic need for most people to have a chunk of time during the day#that they can decompress and be alone and exist *out in the main areas of their house*#people act like the only place you can or should have space and time to yourself is in your own room and that is literally not true!!!!#even before you add in that a huge swath of traumatized/mentally ill/otherwise neurodivergent people need that time alone#VERY DESPERATELY#to function#both in general and because guess what they are extremely likely to be deeply traumatized by#you guessed it!#being unsafe in their own living space!#both short-term immediate instances of abuse if they're caught#and *k n o w i n g* that no matter how chill people pretend to be they are almost certainly lying to your face#while winding up to eventually lash out at you#we are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and we HAVE TO HAVE TIME ALONE. TO EXIST IN OUR HOMES.#and it is always the exact same people who do this shit that spend the entire fucking day every single day hogging the main spaces#and act like you murdered their dog in front of them and pissed on their face and demanded their entire life savings#at the single tiniest suggestion they should maybe in fact make a point of setting aside time to let other people have in the main spaces#AND they will get shitty and judgy and pissed off when YOU go fuck it#and just start trying to plan around blocks of time where they're Literally Asleep#every time someone complains about me not getting important things done that can only be done during the day#because i had to purposely ruin my sleep schedule for some goddamn peace to stretch my legs and feed myself#i get a little closer to ending up with my fucking face on the news l m f a o#i hate ableds i hate ableds i hate ableds oh my GOD#bonus points too if they're someone who can't even fucking just pick one place to spend a while in#they have to constantly move in and out of EVERY SINGLE CORNER OF THE HOUSE THAT IS NOT LITERALLY SEALED OFF TO THEM#even if you try to find some out of the way corner to hide in THEY WILL EVENTUALLY SWEEP THROUGH. PROBABLY WHILE INVADING YOUR SPACE.
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my best friend has been very distant w me lately and i asked today if she wanted to hang out and she said she probably couldn't bc it's her brothers birthday but she would let me know if she could and i have her location and i just looked and she's at her boyfriends house rn....
#we have it bc we're roomates so we started sharing locations when we first moved in like in case someone doesn't come home at night or smth#she recently told me that she wants to move out bc she has always wanted to live alone and she can finally afford it. and i asked her#directly like is there an issue because she is so non confrontational so she has never ever mentioned me doing anything that bothers her#and i said please tell me if there's something wrong because it would really suck if there was and i never got a chance to fix it because#you never told me. and she said no it has nothing to do with that i really just feel like it's time for me to live on my own. and a couple#days ago she was like okay i'm next in line for my apartment i'll probably move out in april. and i try to get her to hang out still and#she always has something else going on and i swear every night this week she's been at her boyfriends.#and if i see her around our apartment and try to make conversation at all she's so like short about it and barely responds like will only#give one word answers. i feel like it kind of started when i started dating e but i realized that i was spending less time with her and i#didn't want to be the girl that loses all my friends bc of a boyfriend so i started specifically reaching out to hang out with her and she#says no most of the time and never asks me. like i don't know what else i can do.#i'm like maybe it's bc of her boyfriend? bc they've been on again off again for a long time and previously when they were together it was#really distant with her like i barely saw her EVER. and they were mostly broken up for the past couple years and have been together i think#for a while again... but she knows i don't approve of that relationship and so she would like not say when they were talking again. so maybe#since lately they've been hanging out or dating or WHATEVER she doesn't fucking tell me what's going on with him. maybe that's why.#i literally like try to think of ways it could be my fault and maybe i'm being crazy but i cannot even think to blame myself for more than a#fleeting second bc i'm like. i have ASKED HER directly if there is an issue or something i do that bothers her and she says no. so even if#i'm somehow pissing her off would i ever know to change anything?? i just feel so frustrated bc it's like she's an entirely different person#to me. like this is not the person i know. and i don't know what else i could possibly do like i feel like we need to sit down and have a#conversation about it but what good does that do if she just acts like nothing is wrong. but i don't want to lose my friend i have such a#hard time making friends. i've known her since i was 14 like i can't imagine my life without her. we were the only two in our whole friend#group in high school to get out of the church i still love those other girls but we have so little in common now.
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now that im finished with gatsby i just have to like write down my thoughts and then make them all cute and neat and stuff then im gonna start gone with the wind
#dorian reads classics#great gatsby <3#im still thinking abt this btw like idk if ill be able to focus in class due to gatsby#i really#i love the story of two lonely souls who find a strange comfort in being lonely together while one has accepted his fate of solitude and#is grateful when the occasional person comes into his life for whatever short chapter theyll feature in and the other soul actively attempt#to fight against his fate of solitude (all this while Nick honestly could have gotten away from his solitude by being friends#with Tom and Daisy and Jordan yet in the end he decides to stick with his only true companion) while Gatsby falls farther and farther#from his goal of being happy (or what he perceives as happiness because that's all he's known and all his mind can accept as happiness) wit#Daisy. IM SICK.#its really sad that in the very end when it all really truly matter Nick was the only one to stay by his side#and even sicker that Nick couldn't even bear to stay in a West Egg that didnt have Gatsby in it#like ??? what was Francis THINKING when he wrote this OUGH#he had to know that neurodivergent little creatures would overthink and analyze the crap out of it....#AND HONESTLY GATSBY HURTS ALOT MORE WHEN YOU THINK ABT THE FACT THAT FRANCIS LIVED THIS#this is HIS life he wrote this FROM EXPERIENCE and that hurts sosososo much#like people really only care for you when you can offer them something....
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I am just not having as much fun on this website anymore. I used to enjoy all the really interesting articles and studies that people would share and discuss, but that’s really dropped off. I lot of the normal women on here used to drop some great common sense content about everyday things like the ‘second shift’ and the expectations of being gender conforming etc that once you notice you see it everywhere. Now most radblr bloggers are as terminally online as any bun-gender person and everything is interpreted in bad faith with overly emotional call outs peppered with emotive buzzwords.
I’m so sick of logging on to see such out of touch takes as ‘expecting me to ever be in a public space with a baby is misogyny’ and the sequel ‘criticising abstinence only sex education is homophobic’.
Some of you need a reality check so here it is:
You are not an activist (necessarily obviously that might be your day job) you are a tumblr blogger engaging in social media for entertainment.
Most of you are not wise sages educating young grasshoppers girls about how having a baby might effect their career (no shit Sherlock) or that domestic violence can exist in heterosexual relationships (is it their first day on earth?). This is basic common knowledge especially for women interested in feminism, you really are preaching to the converted on this topic and it’s annoying as hell when you act like we might not have ever thought about it. Most of us are successful adult women, we know at least the basics about the risks of motherhood and marriage (often first hand) and it’s offensive for some random stranger to tell us that they (and only they) have all the right answers to some of the biggest issues in world for women. Basically, we are all peers here and not one of you has any real authority over anyone else.
The decision whether to have a long term relationship with a man and/or have children (and who you do this with) is The most serious and important decision in most woman’s lives. This is so commonly acknowledged that I have talked about it with my Mum, my Grandma, my sister, my friends, and even some work colleagues. It’s the focus of so many fiction and non fiction books, and in my opinion female anxiety about these choices that disproportionately effect women is why the entire romance genre exists! Our teachers had discussions about it in class and I remember wondering if I really wanted children when I grew up as young as 12. Such an important decision is something that is not taken lightly by any woman (feminist or not) and will never be decided on the advice from online strangers. It’s especially galling that some of the most condescending and demanding bloggers on this topic also post things that reveal that they are young and lack life experience. Obviously that doesn’t mean they’re wrong, but it definitely means they have no right to talk down to women old enough to be their mothers that often have firsthand experience with what to them is political theory.
The risks of heterosexual relationships are well known, I mean who the fuck has never heard of domestic violence by adolescence? If a woman interested enough in gender critical or radical feminism to blog about it in her spare time decides to enter an intimate relationship with a man and/or have children with him it won’t be because she’s ignorant about domestic violence or how hard child rearing can be. I trust myself and other women to make hard choices and manage risks in our own lives.
It is entirely possible for individuals to know and understand the same information and still make different choices. Someone disagreeing with you or making different decisions does not necessarily mean that one of you is right and the other one is stupid. That style of black and white thinking is unhelpful and untrue, people’s opinions and decisions depend on the individual circumstances of their life, about which you know next to nothing. It’s beyond time to retire the smug ‘I always know best’ attitude and acknowledge the shades of grey.
#feminism#gender critical#I typed this on my phone while cooking dinner so it’s a little repetitive#but I’m sick of being talked down to by young adults and people living sheltered isolated lives#life is short and it sucks a big chunk of the time and people do they best they can with what they have#drop the condescension and mind your own business#of all the people in my life I might give the power to command me not one of them is on tumblr (ok it’s just my mum)#so many of you still think social media=social justice and honestly you need to grow up
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Tightrope
Tightropes are a frequent metaphor
I use them often, myself
to symbolize anxiety,
pressure, lack of balance,
or fear-
but while fragile,
my rope isn't hanging me
right now.
I have no idea what I'm doing
but I'm drinking the sky
as I play along this ribbon
enjoying the hell out of
every shaky step.
I twirl along the edge of death
laughing at gravity
because every second
could be my last
and despite the probability
of disaster, I intend to enjoy it.
I'll use the slack
to launch myself into the air
because eventually,
I have to fall
and if I never take a risk
my time on the rope
will be wasted.
#life is short#live while you can#poem on life#tightrope#weird metaphor#poetry#original poem#original poetry#art#poetrycommunity#writingcommunity#poem#creative writing#poets on tumblr#poems on tumblr#writinginspo#poems#creativewriting#writing inspo#poets of tumblr#original#hope#life#living#writing#my writing#poet#my poem#poet on tumblr#poem on tumblr
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hm. what do you do when you miss someone you shouldn't
#it's dumb. it's been over 3 months already. why am i still hung up on this very short friendship#i mean i know why i just hate myself for getting to that position#i know i should be angry at them. sometimes i am. but mostly it feels like he left a hole in my heart#when i told my friends that he made me want to live they said I'll find smth else instead and well. as you can see. i haven't#i just miss having them in my life even if it was for a short while. it was the happiest I've been in years#sigh. anyway#vent#btw i actually do need advice here 🥲 how do i stop missing him
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