#lady is me…

[mybreadsmybutters]

when i was a kid i wanted to be a famous youtuber like dan and phil so that people would gay ship me with my irl best friend and we would be sooo weirded out by it and laugh and make videos joking about it but secretly it would make her realize her repressed gay crush on me and i'd help her through her gay crisis and then we would have a sickeningly sweet sappy romance and read fanfiction about ourselves together... anyways just found out she's married to a guy in the mafia now so i probably don't have a chance

[daydreamerwonderkid]

RIP to Bruce. Can't get a single night to himself smh

[medievalthymes]

girls when they get overstimulated in the grocery store

[marxstradamus]

Kirk was a real one for this

[mo-mode]

AU where Mr. D claiming to be Percy’s dad accidentally counts as Claiming according to Greek god law or whatever and now all the other gods legitimacy believe Percy is his son, but if Mr. D corrects it, he has to explain to Zeus why he pretended he was Percy’s dad so now he’s like “YEP ol’ Perry Johansson is MY child wowie just look at the little fry, you have your mother’s eyes. Please stop standing next to water or you will blow my cover”

Meanwhile Poseidon is just standing off to the side like “how on earth did I dodge THAT bullet”

[jonnywaistcoat]

Magnus fandom, 2016: We're horny for this lady made of worms!

Me: Huh. Unexpected, I'm not sure how to feel about that.

Magnus fandom, 2024: We're horny for this guy made of needles!

Me: Of course you are, my children. Be free.

Magnus fandom 2024: We're horny for this bulbous oozing clown man!

Me: I think 95% of your are being facetious, but the true 5% can go with god.

Magnus fandom, just now: We're horny for a member of the British Aristocracy!

Me: Gross. No. Absolutely not. Sick freaks the lot of you. I am officially kinkshaming. You disgust me.

[catholike]

[heavenbarnes]

not being able to find older bf!simon around the house and while you’re looking for him, you catch something out the window-

nearly all the women in your neighbourhood gathered at the end of your driveway

you come outside to investigate only to find them with their attention glued to the front of your car, it’s not till you walk around the front you find the lower half of simon sticking out from under it

on his back, knees bent, massive boots planted into the concrete, bare arm occasionally stretching out to find another tool

“you alright, si?”

you hear him grunt before he’s calling out to you

“yeah, i’m right sweet’art- sortin’ out that bit thas’ been givin’ y’grief”

breaking your gaze from his massive thighs flexing under his jeans, you scan back over the crowd that’d formed

all of them married, all of them a good ten years older than even he was- you couldn’t really blame them really, you had eyes

you could hear him shuffling out from under the car before he suddenly straightened to full height, wiping greasy hands on the front of his old-white-singlet

he pulled up the bottom of it to swipe his forehead and you think you heard someone gasp

wrapping a firm arm around you, he gives your backside a pat before he kisses the top of your head

“got t’keep y’safe, y’know?”

“thank you, baby- now be polite and say hello to your audience”

oblivious as ever to anything other than you, simon threw a look over his shoulder before he followed you back into the house

“oh, ‘ello ladies”

(someone throws a street barbecue and you force simon to talk to the other men around the burner and multiple husbands request him to start “doing that shit” in the garage with the door shut, please)

[fadeintoyou1993]

cannot stop thinking about this skit from the new i think you should leave season

[thesinglesock]

my mom walked upstairs in her seal skin boots. Fjonka (my rabbit) came running to greet them (her seal skin boots). she sniffed them for a second. nuzzled them, before realizing they weren't breathing. horror dawned on her. she begun to understand she was dealing with something she couldn't comprehend. she backed off, without letting them out of her sight. she STOMPED to let them (the seal skin boots) know that she did NOT like this situation. my mom stomped back. Fjonka stomped harder, exhibiting a bravery and assertedness I had no idea she possessed. mom turned and went back down the stairs. Good job, Fjonk. You sure showed those undead vampire rabbits who's boss.

[ladytabletop]

please practice being excited about stuff.

yeah, I said "practice". remember how much joy there was in getting a new toy/book/game as a kid, and practice feeling that excitement again. a lot of us had that instinct squashed out of us, and you may not even know that you've internalized the idea that being excited and joyful isn't "mature" or "cool".

fuck that! let yourself experience joy and excitement! part of being an adult is learning that not only should you be able to feel anger/sadness/hard emotions without suppressing them, you have to do that for joy/excitement/wonder too.

let yourself feel unhindered, unbridled excitement!

[formerlybutchpoet]

I'm like if a chivalrous knight kissed a fair maiden's hand and said "my lady, I fight for you" and then walked off and immediately tripped over his own armor and fell on the ground

[nikkinelson1313]

best place to be 😏

[cordspaghetti]

couple weeks ago…

[screampied]

can we talk about them 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️

[leafwhirlwind]

I feel, personally, like not enough people focus on the fact that in this iconic big tiddy moment

Falin is. Splattering someone’s brain on the pavement like a fine ragù.

Splat.