#it’s based on the elderly lady on one street with a crush on my boyfriend that could outlast religion

[heavenbarnes]

not being able to find older bf!simon around the house and while you’re looking for him, you catch something out the window-

nearly all the women in your neighbourhood gathered at the end of your driveway

you come outside to investigate only to find them with their attention glued to the front of your car, it’s not till you walk around the front you find the lower half of simon sticking out from under it

on his back, knees bent, massive boots planted into the concrete, bare arm occasionally stretching out to find another tool

“you alright, si?”

you hear him grunt before he’s calling out to you

“yeah, i’m right sweet’art- sortin’ out that bit thas’ been givin’ y’grief”

breaking your gaze from his massive thighs flexing under his jeans, you scan back over the crowd that’d formed

all of them married, all of them a good ten years older than even he was- you couldn’t really blame them really, you had eyes

you could hear him shuffling out from under the car before he suddenly straightened to full height, wiping greasy hands on the front of his old-white-singlet

he pulled up the bottom of it to swipe his forehead and you think you heard someone gasp

wrapping a firm arm around you, he gives your backside a pat before he kisses the top of your head

“got t’keep y’safe, y’know?”

“thank you, baby- now be polite and say hello to your audience”

oblivious as ever to anything other than you, simon threw a look over his shoulder before he followed you back into the house

“oh, ‘ello ladies”

(someone throws a street barbecue and you force simon to talk to the other men around the burner and multiple husbands request him to start “doing that shit” in the garage with the door shut, please)

[but-the-library-of-alexandria]

dnd characters I’ll never use: player or npcs

I already shared this with my dnd playing friends but I’ll put them here too to spread the love far and wide. Disclaimer: I’m not at all experienced with dnd, these are all largely based on fun character ideas and not very rooted in stats, class stuff or tactics. Genders are of course always arbitrary and interchangeable.

Before she was a party member, she was a store clerk. Worked at a soul-sucking supermarket. Has very high persuasion, charisma and constitution. Why? Dude, she’s worked in customer service. She had to pretend to be friendly while putting up the with the worst humanity can offer. War is nothing. She’s being dragged along on this quest, but is largely apathetic. Her job has crushed her spark for good. True neutral. A bard? Maybe? It makes sense that she went to music school and ended up with a retail career.

A paladin/knight who thinks he’s Don Quixote - naive and good-hearted, a classic white knight who wants to rescue all the damsels and ride all the noble steeds. The drawback is that he’s a complete idiot. Very low wisdom and intelligence. Good combat stats, and amusingly high charisma. Probably a noble. Very green. Lawful good to the max.

A fine lady who is extremely posh, quite elderly. Lost her rich husband recently. Probably owns a poodle called Wetherby. Wields the biggest, most vicious giant axe you’ve ever seen. It’s called Verity. She is, in fact, a barbarian. Lawful neutral.

(Based on a tumblr post) This character is secretly just two gnomes stacked in a trench coat. Nobody but the DM must know. Try to keep up the facade for as long as possible. Why are they doing this stunt? Literally just fee evasion. It’s cheaper to pay for one human with very short arms than two gnomes. Obviously chaotic, neutral or good. Maybe each is a bit different.

An ex-schoolteacher who becomes the group mother. Literally. She calls the party her ‘children’. A bard, Sound-of-Music style? Or a cleric. Very patronising in the way she speaks. However, much liked. An all-rounder. Lawful good. Might make a good patron-type npc.

A bard who literally thinks life is a musical. Always singing; speaks only in song, or if she does speak, it’s in a disney-like tone - strong Giselle from enchanted vibes. Terrible stealth modifiers, because she does her own theme music like Kronk. She and the above paladin knight fall in love instantly. Nobody has ever understood either of them until now. They will definitely insist on romantic duets and a giant fancy wedding, despite not really knowing each other. Noble background; an ex actress. Lawful good.

Someone otherwise useful and skillful, perhaps a rogue or a fighter, who has a weakness of instantly falling in lust with any villain they encounter. They just have a thing for the bad guys/girls. Chaotic good, or lawful neutral.

A character who can’t seem to talk without mentioning her boyfriend, Freddie: ‘it’s just like Freddie, my boyfriend, said the other day… Back in the city, where I met my boyfriend, Freddie… damn, this monster is so tough even Freddie, my boyfriend, might not be able to kill it!’ Freddie does not, as it turns out, exist. After this is disclosed, the question is - was she lying? Does she actually think Freddie is real? Is she crazy? Or did Freddie exist, once, and some magical weirdness is going on? Who knows. The poor girl - probably a cleric or someone religiously magical - clearly has some mental shit to deal with.

A mage or sorcerer who performs magic in the style of irl kids’ magicians. They don’t actually believe in magic, and keep insisting it’s all just clever tricks and illusions. Idk enough about the magic-type classes to decide which one this would suit best - maybe a book-learned character, who thinks their entire education system was just really in-character with the whole ‘real magic’ thing. A wizard? Very lawful - so lawful they can’t conceive of a force as irrational and physics-defying as magic. Probably good.

A character who is the butler of another party member - jeeves-style, long-suffering and ever efficient. His most common line is “*sigh* very good, sir/ma’am.” It would be cool if he was a monk class character - maybe coming from a kind of ‘training temple’ for butlers, Artemis Fowl style. Has the patience of a god, the combat skills of a champion street-fighter, and makes excellent tea. Might be a good player character for someone who’s new to dnd and is coming with a friend - or rather, a good character for someone who is experienced and is bringing an inexperienced friend, whose butler they could be. The butler could then advise and cover for their inexperienced ‘master’.

A variation on the above: a character travelling with their fussy, overbearing mother or father, another obviously good one for a friend to teach their inexperienced new friend how to play.

A religious character, probably a cleric or paladin, who has an element of the creationist fangirl-religious Christianity of the midwest to her. Speaks in a texas drawl. She wears a shirt that says ‘what would [insert name of deity here] do?’ and is always singing the praises of their lord/lady and saviour, trying to convert people and reminding everyone of various rules from their holy book. Lawful neutral, because she follows the rules of the faith no matter how immoral they may be. Often burst into hymns. Everything good that happens, it was the lord’s blessing. Everything bad, it was punishment for some obscure sin. Probably had a rough background and found and adhered to this faith later in life, as a kind of religious rebirth - maybe to escape a criminal past…?

A character who is a child but has all the skill in certain areas of an adult. Very creepy, Wednesday Addams vibes. Talks like a grown up. Dark and cynical. Always underestimated. Probably a sorcerer. Neutral or maybe a tad evil. Maybe could be a halfling or something, to implement that small-cute-person stealth bonus. Occasionally takes on the performance of being a normal little girl to manipulate NPCs - fake crying to get to the front of a queue, etc.

Two PCs who are long lost siblings. The DM and the two players know this. No other players and none of the characters know - including the two characters who are related. One or both of them may know they have a lost sibling, but it is only in the course of the game that they find out who they are to each other. I feel like this would be most interesting if they were of a non human species, and of very different backgrounds and classes, and maybe different alignments.

A character who is joining the party as a tourist. He has now retired from adventuring in his homeland and travels around other lands, getting the ‘authentic local experience’ by tagging onto other people’s quests. If you’re in a steampunk-y setting or your DM will let you homebrew it a bit, it would be great if he had some kind of camera and was always snapping pictures at inappropriate times. It would be even better if some of these pictures ending up being vitally useful later in the game. Probably neutral good, probably something pretty low-key class wise. Could be joined by a tour-guide type PC.

A variation on the above: a young character who is trying to break into the adventuring career market and is tagging along on work experience, always taking notes. This might be a good one for a new and inexperienced player to help them learn without compromising their characterisation. Neutral good, any class really.

A member of a certain race who is convinced they are of another race, probably due to adoption, and will attack anyone who tries to correct her, like Ellie in ice age 2. The more physically different her ‘real’ race and her ‘adopted’ race are, the better. A warrior type, hot headed. Chaotic something. Maybe even a barbarian. Someone you would be too scared to contradict.

A case of mistaken identity - the party assume this character is someone, but later it is revealed that they are in fact just a delivery boy or a maidservant. There was a mix up, they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and when the party mistook them for a powerful ally they were planning to meet, they were too awkward to correct them so they just went with it. The party shouldn’t know they aren’t who they say they are until the person reveals it, either by making enough mistakes and confessing or by being outed by someone else. An NPC or a player. Probably chaotic good. Definitely a people pleaser. Poor kid.

A ‘male’ character who is actually a woman wearing a fake moustache. She had to fake her gender to get into a prestigious all male institution - maybe a cleric or paladin, or a wizard at wizard school. Definitely a con-woman type background. Intensely good persuasion modifier so that people genuinely believe she is a man as soon as the moustache goes on. Other players may or may not know her real gender from the start. Chaotic good.

An adventuring couple who have decided to spend their honeymoon, or second honeymoon, fighting and killing with the rest of the party. Fighters or another physical-combat-heavy class. Good. Full of romantic stories about people they beheaded together and times they almost died together. Bonus points if they have, are having or have had an adventuring child too - the kind who was already wielding a tiny knife in the cradle. Good for couples who play together, and good if one partner is just teaching the other to play, so they can stick together and help them.

A druid who has spent her last ten years in animal form. She has now almost forgotten how to be a person. Still forgets she isn’t an animal sometimes. Lots of animalistic mannerisms and slip ups - trying to fly, using the wrong body language, etc. She’s just very frazzled by everything right now, so please just go easy on her, okay? She’s trying her best to readjust.

A pirate woman who sailed with an all-female pirate crew on a ship with a massively misandristic name. She’s almost definitely gay and very much a bitch to men. Sailor-pirate background, probably a simple fighter, chaotic neutral af. Bonus points if she was the captain. Double bonus points if she was the captain because she engineered a mutiny and is now constantly afraid of finding her jilted ex captain (and possibly also her ex lover) hot on her heels. More bonus points if she is a very butch, bearded dwarf lady.

Champion athlete who turned their particular sporting prowess to a life of adventure, because of some event that befell them - maybe a medal winning runner’s hometown was sacked, and their swiftness allowed them to save forty children before the fires reached the school. Or maybe a record-breaking swimmer was the sole survivor of a flood that wiped out their people and now they have to get by on nothing but their wits and their abnormally massive deltoids. Obviously good stats relating to their sport. Class will depend on the sport too. You could get really creative with sports lauded amongst different races, eg. a dragonborn who was the world champion at distance fire-breathing.

(Based in a tumblr post) A bard whose main attack is Vicious Mockery. Super chaotic neutral, they focus on almost nothing else, just developing this one skill until they can practically just kill with a single insult. Their main driving motivation or goal is to eventually find a certain person - maybe a powerful and abusive parent figure or a hated tyrant, someone who did evil to them or their people - and just fucking obliterate them with the perfect, all-destroying insult, which they hope to have composed by the time they meet this person.

The youngest son of a king or ruler with like twelve children, so far from inheriting the throne nobody knew what to do with him and he ended up being tossed from institution to institution, being kicked out and kicked out until he joined the current party (or an institution the party are working with if he’s an NPC). He’s pretty dumb, with no education, essentially raised by castle servants and never learning a thing about politics. Probably a fighter. Low intelligence, good alignment. All is well, until, uh oh, all his twelve brothers die at once and he is suddenly expected to be king. What do? Help me, more intelligent party members!

[mochitaiia]

Check Yes or No

apheeweek day four: Book(s) + Coffee shop AU + Estmonaice

Lucile is very forgetful. Eduard and Emil aren’t sure what to make of her.

(also on ao3)

GOD talk about me being indecisive. Monaco is my favorite Hetalia girl so I want to show her love, and I also want to write every Nordic/Estonia ship (only got Sweden left now), so I decided to combine my wants into a cute polyamory sort of thing.

I hope my determination to accomplish both my goals is enjoyable!

-

Everyday she forgets her book, and everyday Eduard chases after her to return it.

He doesn’t know her name. He makes the drinks and cleans tables; he never takes orders and relays them. Today again, Eduard hears his coworker tell him the young lady wants a caramel frappe with extra foam and two chocolate chip cookies. He prepares her order the same as always, and he passes it off to her with a friendly smile and a nod which she doesn’t notice.

Her nose is so deep in her book that she can barely walk a straight line to her usual table. Eduard raises a brow and watches her go before he busies himself preparing the next order.

Half an hour will pass before she stands and throws her coffee cup away and makes her way towards the exit. Eduard excuses himself from behind the counter, resulting in Emil giving him a sour look for abandoning his post (he’ll forgive him after their shifts end. He always does), and he scoops up the abandoned book and rushes out the door to catch her arm.

“You left this again.”

She looks genuinely surprised every single time, and her surprised expression contorts her face in all the right ways to form something Eduard can’t quite describe. The closest he can come is to label it cute. She’s cute when surprised. Her expression mellows out into a calm smile, and she takes the book from his hands. Her gloves brush his fingertips and he resists, every time, from grabbing her hand when she says a polite, “Thank you, sir.”

She leaves, and he returns to work, and Emil grumbles at him, and he apologizes and bats his eyes, and Emil has to keep from blushing which Eduard finds endearing, and he says as much, and Emil checks to make sure no customers are looking when he swats Eduard’s arm for the remark, and Eduard chuckles, and waves off the feigned attack, and Emil wonders aloud why they’re dating, and Eduard bites back a million things he could possibly say, and their day continues on until work ends.

Emil leans against the post and asks, “Why does that girl forget her book so much?” while Eduard checks his phone for the time. Their bus will be there in seven minutes. He stuffs his phone in his pocket before he sits on the bench.

“I’m not sure,” he replies. “She might have elderly memory problems.”

Emil snorts. “She’s so small, and young-looking. She can’t have grandpa-like memory issues.”

“Small and young-looking like you?”

“Buzz off,” snaps Emil, “I’m eighteen now. I’m not young anymore.”

“To me, you are,” says Eduard with a smile. “I’m three years older than you. You’re a young’in!”

“Please god, do not start sounding like my grandmother.” Emil gags and shudders, presumably at the mental picture of dating somebody like his grandmother. Just to bother him, Eduard wheezes an old person saying, and he delights in the complaint Emil gives him in reply. Messing with his boyfriend is too fun to resist.

Emil cuts off his amusement by speaking up with another question. “Can I ask you something important?”

Eduard rests his elbow on his knee and chin in his hand. “Now?” He glances at his watch. “We’ve got two minutes ‘til the bus. Can it wait until home?”

Emil seems to debate it in his head before he shrugs and nods. “Yeah, we can wait until home.”

---

The second they’re in the door to their shared apartment, Emil asks, “Do you like that girl?”

“Which girl? I know a lot of girls and I fear one might jokingly get mad at me if I say I don’t like her.” Eduard grins and pushes Elizabeta’s face out of his mind. She would never seriously injure him. On purpose. Unless he did something to make her angry, to which she’d likely be justified in injuring him.

Emil rolls his eyes. “Gee, I dunno,” his voice drips in sarcasm, “maybe the girl you run after everyday to return her book.”

Confused blue eyes appear in his memory and Eduard mulls it over. She is cute, and based on the books he rushes to return to her she’s either an avid reader of classic literature or she’s taking an AP English course at the local college. Perhaps both. The idea of talking with another ace student excites him somewhat, and it’s with that he says, “Well, somewhat.”

Once he flops onto the couch and kicks off his shoes messily, Emil rises a brow. “Somewhat?”

“Somewhat.” Eduard plops down in the empty couch space. Emil scoots and rests his head in his lap, and Eduard languidly tangles his fingers in the smooth slivery blonde hair. He’s still in awe that it isn’t a dye job, and Emil’s hair is naturally such a beautiful shade. He smiles a little when he looks down at him. “What, you jealous?”

“Not jealous,” Emil avoids eye contact, “more... curious. Hey, you know I’m okay with you dating other people too if they catch your eye, right? I don’t mind you being poly.”

Eduard hums and massages Emil’s scalp, resulting in a satisfied purr from the latter. It makes him giggle at how cat-like Emil is. “I’m aware. I just haven’t had any interest in anybody-”

“Until now,” interrupts Emil, refocusing eye contact.

“... until now,” admits Eduard. It’s a bit embarrassing to say aloud, that he has a crush on the mystery girl, but Emil looks at him evenly with a serene smile and it relieves some of the nervous butterflies dancing in his stomach. “So, you wouldn’t mind if tomorrow when she forgets her book, I ask her out?”

“If you don’t, I’ll ask her for you.”

Eduard sticks his tongue out at Emil, and Emil returns it.

---

The following day when she orders her drink, she doesn’t have a book. Instead, she carries a notebook. Eduard flushes a light shade when he gives her the frappe, because instead of staring down at a book she makes eye contact and smiles at him. After she goes to sit at her usual table, Emil leans into his ear and says, “I knew it.”

“Knew what?” whispers Eduard back.

Emil points at her when she isn’t looking. “I think she’s into you. She was probably leaving the book so that you’d go an’ talk to her everyday.” Eduard scoffs. Whilst he does have self-confidence, he doesn’t find himself attractive enough for a pretty young woman like her to put forth that much effort to attract his attention. Emil eyes him for a second and shrugs, returning to the register to greet new customers.

Half an hour later she stands and throws her coffee cup away. Again, she leaves her materials behind. She hesitates at the door and glances back at the table, and Eduard tilts his head. She clearly can see her notebook sitting open at the table she vacated, but she doesn’t move to get it. Her eyes turn and inadvertently catch his, and if Eduard’s not mistaken a faint pink tints her cheeks and she rushes out the front door, leaving the notebook behind.

Eduard glances at Emil, and Emil shrugs. He slides out from behind the counter and approaches the table.

Written on the open page of the notebook are six simple words.

Do you like me?

Yes [  ]     No [  ]

Eduard blinks, then he blushes himself. He can hear Emil snort, and when he looks up he shoots him a dismayed look at the public mockery. Emil half-grins and points at the door. When Eduard follows the line his boyfriend’s finger makes, his eyes go wide because standing just outside the doors is the mystery woman.

Eduard glances down at the notebook, and back up at her. She glances away and taps the sidewalk with the tip of her boot. He doesn’t even look at the page when he pulls out a pen and scribbles a thick X in the box indicating “Yes”, and he hurriedly collects the notebook and all but sprints out the door and onto the sidewalk.

“Ma’am-”

“Lucile,” she says. Her glasses are perched right on the edge of her nose, and Eduard instinctively adjusts his. He looks up again and catches Emil’s eye from behind the counter. His boyfriend raises a brow and offers a thumbs up, and Eduard nods a little before he looks back to her.

“Okay,” he says, “Lucile. You forgot your notebook.” He shuts it and gives it back to her. Before she can open it, or say anything, he continues. “Mine and Emil’s shift ends around five today. If you aren’t busy...”

Lucile’s face again contorts into something confused. Quickly it’s replaced by a soft smile, and she dips her head. “I look forward to it, Eduard.” He catches her free hand, and with a grin he presses his lips to the back of it. Both of them flush a light pink, but their grins outweigh any embarrassment to be felt.

He watches her go until she rounds the corner, and as soon as he walks in he hears Emil call, loud enough for the entire coffee shop to hear, “My boyfriend just landed a date.” Eduard resists the urge to playfully scowl at Emil’s amused grin, and instead he ducks his head shyly when a few customers whoop and cheer.

Once behind the counter, he pulls Emil’s arm and leans down to whisper in his ear, “I’m gonna make a big deal out of your birthday in this shop for revenge for that.” Eduard smirks and presses a kiss to Emil’s temple when his boyfriend sputters and protests.

Perhaps a date to the bakery down the street would be a good date for tonight. Eduard smiles to himself as he gets back to fixing coffees, his mind full of ideas for not just his boyfriend, but his girlfriend as well.