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I offer the option of an extremely rare snake breed that scares the fuck out of house guests (why does it look like it’s smiling, why is IT SMILING HOW IS IT DOING THAT—) and Hiccup is always wearing it around like a scarf and wrapped beneath his shirts and hoodies. The thing is some kind of constrictor, VERY STRONG. It has a habit of knocking Hiccup over using its sheer mass when it’s attention starved, which strikes fear into everyone around him but Hiccup calls it “cute.” (What the fuck?) It has free rein around the house, and it has a little bald spot where it can’t grow scales so Hiccup made him a little patch with silly doodles on it to “keep him warm.” The godforsaken thing has a lot of teeth for something called toothless. No one knows why Hiccup called it that (it’s laughing!! It’s laughing. How does it do that? I swear to god it’s laughing at me, Hiccup) and Hiccup keeps all of its sheds on his desk like cute little keepsakes :) they’re all seven feet long. Longer than hiccup is tall. and they’re terrifying

if ur writing modern au httyd fics i do not want to see toothless as a house cat i need hiccup to be the weirdo who somehow has a pet panther and everyone is equally as surprised by this as they are by the dragon

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I love how the live action movie highlighted for me just how fucking insane Hiccup’s secret was to outsiders.

Like imagine you’re training for some kind of self defense/extermination course because your town has a huge reptile problem. People die from deadly snake and lizard infestations every single day and there’s this one guy who’s dad is the head exterminator but the kid is just such a pain. Like nepo baby to the fucking max. He fucks up their pest control work all the time, makes his mistakes everyone else’s problems, and can’t even say thank you to the people who help him not die because he’s such a whiny little brat about it!! And he has the gall to say shit like “oh yeah I can actually kill a Black Mamba single-handedly.”

Now SOMEHOW he gets the honor of training for their extermination team, right? (Clearly only because of his dad.) It’s a huge badge of pride to most people, and he doesn’t even take that seriously! Everyone else is throwing themselves into the work, already having studied the dangers and safety measures required to handle the deadly venomous snakes and lizards, and he apparently never read the fucking textbook?! He’s not even paying attention, nearly getting himself killed, asking the dumbest questions every day, and then he just runs off the moment class is over like he doesn’t even want to be there.

But THEN halfway through training he’s suddenly just inventing shit on his own and it’s working???? Like he’s still completely disregarding their rules and safety protocol, doesn’t even wear gloves when handling venomous reptiles, but he’s just casually wiping the floor with their asses and he offers no explanation whatsoever. He still doesn’t want to be there. And everyone’s so confused as to how that happened, right? A lot of people are reconsidering their own methods, thinking this could be a new era for their small town’s extermination efforts, but he seems so dismissive and even bothered by the idea?

Only to learn he’s been domesticating a Black Mamba in his spare time!!!! AND HE GIVES IT SCRITCHES

And his reasoning? “Well, personally, I think they make good house pets.”

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Idk how to explain it properly but I just love the concept of them domesticating the Void

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John and Bob core

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boblena this. voidwalker that. actually the thunderbolts are poly or none of them are together take it or leave it

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I’m super busy these next few weeks but I have so many drafts and I don’t know what I should finish first:

Bob Headcanons Pt. 2

John Walker Has Anxiety (AO3 fic)

John Walker Being Autistic As Fuck (mini character study)

Thunderbolts* as Iconic Vines

Bob and Physical Touch headcanons

Anyone have thoughts or preferences?

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Newly discovered gay man John Walker misunderstanding queer terminology trying to compliment Bob's new fit: You're such a cunt.

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Bodyguard: Sir, I don’t care if you’re one of the New Avengerz. The Met Gala is a closed private event.

Alexei, wearing his costume doused in glitter: *sliding him a $20* Will this convince you?

Cop: Sir—

Yelena: Just tase him, please.

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Adding onto the common HC I’ve been seeing of John being the group cook — he is DEFINITELY the “get the fuck out of my kitchen while I’m cooking” type of person, like you walk in to get a glass of water and he is like “fuck off no I WILL get you water do not DISTURB my cooking. Here. Now LEAVE.”

I like to think he’s mainly like that cuz he likes to solely focus on what he’s doing, and alot of the others end up commenting or asking too many questions — this kinda feeds into my undiagnosed OCD/Autism HC for John — and it’s just annoying and overwhelming. But not Bob. Bob is allowed to stay.

John has declared Bob can stay because he is — as John puts it — “a respectful spectator”. Which started as Bob sitting in the common area near the kitchen doing whatever while John cooked, then slowly migrating over to the opposite side of the kitchen island. Then that evolved into Bob randomly saying little tidbits of how his day was and then it ended with Bob just coming in to yap about whatever while John cooks while replying ever so often but mostly just letting him talk.

John now finds a strange sense of comfort in his rambling and everyone else is like “why can he stay and we can’t” and John is like “cuz he’s Bob and you’re not.” And Ava teases him RELENTLESSLY for it like — “oooh someone’s playing favourites” and John just tells her to fuck off cuz in all honesty, he IS playing favourites.

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Okay but what if no one found the sentry box before they torched that room? Bob is just napping in there, and everyone else escapes. The place is engulfed in flames. Yelena, John, and Ava are all arguing about how to get up the elevator shaft, then they hear a banging from the room.

“Hey! Anyone out there?!” They all freeze as whoever it is continues to bang at the wall. “I could hear you talking,” he calls out, a little frantic. Mostly desperate. “Is this part of the experiment? It’s really hot in here. It hurts. Can I get out please?” They all look at one another for a moment until another “…please?”

That’s how they meet Bob.

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😭😭😭

GUYS I FIGURED IT OUT

Clint in the vents and that’s his whole personality because he wasn’t fleshed out in the movies → Ava in the walls and that’s her whole personality because she wasn’t fleshed out in the movies

Thor eating poptarts and overusing proper words because English isn’t his first language and he’s the comedic relief → Alexei eating Wheaties and overusing proper words because English isn’t his first language and he’s the comedic relief

Natasha pranking and laughing at everyone from the sidelines because fanon decided she’s just silly like that → Yelena pranking and laughing at everyone from the sidelines because canon decided she’s just silly like that

Bruce being a sweet, soft-spoken, unassuming guy but also the most fucking unhinged monstrosity if you catch him on a bad day → Bob being a sweet, soft-spoken, unassuming guy but also the most fucking unhinged monstrosity if you catch him on a sad day

Steve being handed the de facto title of goody two shoes leader despite being the LAST person on board with this → Bucky being handed the de facto title of goody two shoes leader despite being the last person on board with this

Tony being a big-mouthed asshole that’s secretly haunted by his past mistakes which involved publicly supporting the US military via PR stunts as a weapons manufacturer → John being a big-mouthed asshole that’s secretly haunted by his past mistakes which involved publicly supporting the US military via PR stunts as a weapon himself

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Btw was it ever explicitly stated that Bob’s dad is dead, or could that mf still be out there in Florida doing fuck all?

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Thunderbolts* Characters as Word Art Memes Because I Said So

Yelena

Bob

Alexei

John

Ava

Bucky

Valentina

Mel

Taskmaster

I literally have so many of these. It was very hard to choose the right ones. Lmk if you want more though :D

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every day, I become more convinced that Bob was just illegally entering countries left and right

bc how does a meth head get from the continental us to malaysia in the first place!

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What is the most Florida man thing Bob has ever done? He is from Florida after all

I didn't feel like thinking some up right now (I was busy working in Manhattan lol) so instead I found a few already existing Florida Man headlines that gave the Bob vibe. Enjoy!

BOB AS FLORIDA MAN HEADLINES

Btw as a part-time Floridian, I am obligated to remind everyone that the only reason Florida Man exists is because Florida had much looser privacy laws regarding arrest records for quite a while. (I believe they tightened those laws last year though.) Also Florida has the third biggest population in the country. Every state has weird people in it.

Okay that’s it!! If you still want some specific Bob headcanon ones, just send me another ask, and I’ll gladly make one later. Love ya bye :)

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Peter thinks he finally has his new life together. scores a halfway decent internship at this fucking wework lab in the old Avengers Tower. Everyone calls him Pete and there's absolutely no way he can be connected back to being a superhero until SUDDENLY the Director of the CIA buys the top floors of the building again and announces ANOTHER set of heroes and they just happen to have a friend that looks weirdly like him and WHY IS EVERYONE ACCUSING PETER OF BEING AFFILIATED WITH THE AVENGERS AGAIN ISTFG

do we think peter should randomally show up in thunderbolts tower fics like he did in avengers fics or are we still figuring that out because i feel like it’s a necessary pipe line