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kohakhearts · 2 months

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goh parentified child syndrome. go(h)

my time is here at last. thank you for enabling me <3 apologies for taking months to finish writing this giant post!

welcome to my dissertation on this fucking Dynamic <3

ok! first thing, let's establish our criteria for Parentified Child Syndrome. this is obviously not like, an actual diagnostic Thing, but there are a million and one articles out there for us to look through. so i did the tough work of scouring those to find some Symptoms we can use as anchor points here. a lot of this is split into "emotional" (parents seeking comfort from their children, rather than comforting them) vs. "material" (parents assigning their children responsibilities that are not age-appropriate (e.g. grocery shopping, paying bills, etc.)) needs, but for simplicity i'll just merge them together - because realistically, they often go hand-in-hand. so the primary symptoms we'll work with here will be:

disruptive childhood behaviours (particularly at school)

stress and anxiety

reluctance to participate in play/age-appropriate activities with their peers

difficulty acknowledging and accepting one's feelings

insecure attachment styles

need to feel "in control"

distrustful of others/self-reliant to a fault

absenteeism and poor performance in school

passive communication style

the other obvious prerequesite here is the family dynamic. so let's dissect that one a bit!

goh's family situation isn't actually like...100% clear. but i have analyzed every episode where his family is even mentioned like it's my full-time job and i have no reason to believe his grandmother actually lives with him. so in the scope of this essay, i am assuming that she lives nearby, and most likely has a key to the apartment, but does not live with them.

otherwise, we are given enough context to assume that camille and walker have been busy with work goh's entire life (though i'd choose to believe for my own sanity that in his infancy his mother at least wasn't working...though given the type of job she has, that's actually...kinda hard to say for sure). we can also assume that they've at least been self-employed for the majority of his life. it's clear that they are fairly well-established in the city/in their field by jn, and since goh is supposed to be 10 at this point, it makes sense to me that they've been building that company up pretty much his whole life.

in terms of the work they do, goh tells ash, my dad is a system engineer and my mom is a programmer. they run a company together. granted, we don't see very much of their actual workplace, but what we do see is completely void of other people. as in, camille and walker do all this work BY THEMSELVES.

nothing in the anime otherwise disputes this! if anything, goh's explanations of his parents' lifestyle just reinforces it. he also suggests that during periods of harsh weather and heavy system use, his parents are busier than usual. this implies that they are most busy during holidays. this is actually further implied by the flashback in jn015 where they explicitly say to him that they're sorry for having to work through the holiday. his reaction, being completely unengaged, not even really even acknowledging it, tells us that this is the norm.

however!! he also shows off a special device to horace in jn032 that he says his parents made specifically for him, to help him learn more about mew. this suggests that they must have some amount of free time to dedicate to him...but they show their love for him through material gifts related to their line of work (his computer set-up, too; he tells scorbunny that his parents set it all up for him).

otherwise, we see camille and walker privately share their concerns about goh (a clear awareness that he doesn't have many friends, concern about him being lonely because of them, etc.) but never actually confront goh with their concerns or appear to go out of their ways to do anything about it. i wrote a bit about this and the symbolism of having him catch a cubone of all pokemon in the episode we're introduced to his family here but the tl;dr is that camille and walker demonstrate care for goh to each other but not to him - presumably to compensate for their physical absence, we get the impression he's given a lot of freedom and little to no discipline.

which brings me to the first criterion:

disruptive childhood behaviours (with a side of absenteeism, which presumably contributes to poor performance in school)

goh's school life is obviously inconvienent to the plot progression, so for narrative purposes the writers have him just not go to school. in jn049 we get the explanation that goh had made a promise to their teacher to show up to school for tests...but the weird thing about this scene is that chloe's surprised by it:

since in jn001 and jn002 we see that chloe is goh's only point of contact amongst his schoolmates and that she hand delivers schoolwork to him at her dad's lab, the only way this exchange really makes sense to me is if it's a new arrangement. even the fact that goh makes a point of saying "hey, i followed through, go me" to their teacher here gives that vibe.

so, we can extrapolate from that that...prior to whenever this agreement was made, goh just didn't go to school because he didn't want to. but given how schools operate, we can pretty safely assume his parents are aware of this. and i have strong reason to believe that they have at least been on the receiving end of phone calls from teachers or administrators, because of these lines from jn015:

all things considered, this is a weird assumption to make, especially about your hyper-independent introverted child...unless there's a history of disruptive or unfriendly behaviour to inform that assumption. and based on goh's behaviour in jn001 at professor oak's pokemon camp, i don't think it's so out there to say the pattern probably was there.

goh is actually a super sweet kid towards his parents and has a clear admiration for them both. even in flashbacks, his whole thing is kind of like...he doesn't want to bother them. they fall asleep on family vacation and don't spend time with him? well, that's fine! he'll just find something else to do! in that same episode in the flashback sequence, they pick him up on the side of the road alone in the pouring rain and he doesn't say a word to them. even though he was angry and upset before.

so, yeah. i think it would make a lot of sense if he were well-behaved at home and not so much so at school. but camille and walker, even when they learn about things that happen, don't seem to probe or discipline him. whether because of any combination of giving him leeway out of guilt or of not wanting to encourage him to act out at home, we don't know. but the disconnect obviously exists.

which then contributes to

stress and anxiety, difficulty acknowleding and accepting one's feelings, and passive communication style

goh is socially awkward, yes, and clearly very anxious socially especially early on in jn, but a lot of that seems to come from an inability to express his wants and needs. i think jn003 has some of the most succinct examples of this - ash having to realize he's struggling and to reach down to him when they're climbing the tower in order for him to even accept that he can get (and needs) help getting up, and then later one when he stumbles over his words trying to ask ash to be his friend.

i think another good example is in jn007, after he gets knocked out at the flute cup. passive communication relies a lot on shifts in body language and in, well, passive statements. when ash approaches him to tell him to cheer up, goh doesn't actually really...respond to that. he does this

and then runs off. which he does fairly often, actually, even as late as jn135. it's emotional avoidance 101. literally just run away from the thing that's bothering you. something else we see in jn135 is him backing out of admitting he wants to go on a journey - because he is concerned about ash's reaction (though i think it's a little more complex than that, but i'll circle back to that).

and of course there's jn062, which i wrote a lot about in this post. but the whole thesis of the episode is that goh has learned through his relationships up to this point that it's okay to not understand your feelings but you still have to feel them. and it's actually a really beautiful character development moment for him, but also reinforces the fact that he still doesn't know how to grapple with his own emotions. after finally finding drizzile and explaining how he knew he would find it there, he starts to cry and doesn't know why. but even aside from feeling vulnerable, it's kind of a culmination of this stress he's been carrying with him throughout the whole episode...and the sense of responsibility he feels for driving drizzile away. which is a great segue into

insecure attachment styles and need to feel "in control"

if there's one thing i feel like people sleep on regarding goh's character, it's how much of a mother hen he is. he's obviously very thorough and thoughtful when it comes to looking after his pokemon - as in jn062 where he spends all that time chasing down drizzile after it runs away, even to the point of telling ash and chloe that they should stay behind because it's getting late but that he's going to keep looking - but he's the same way with ash.

off the top of my head, things like buying extra scones because he knew ash would want them, making ash wash his hands after eating ice cream, chastising him about punctuality, you know...very parental kind of things. he actually does it with horace too, when they first meet, by bringing a lunch for them both when he goes back to the forest to meet him again.

anyway, being a Mom Friend is cute and all, but it also REEKS of parentified child. taking on responsibilities that aren't yours to fulfill? yeah. that's a need to feel in control. it's what he's used to! it offers him security!

the other side of this is...chloe. goh's first friend, who he refuses to consider a friend, or let consider him a friend. but, like, she obviously IS his friend. and yet our introduction to them gives us this exchange

goh and chloe have a pretty tense relationship at the beginning of jn, wherein she is clearly trying to help him (by you know. getting his homework for him and shit) and he blows her off in a text message, which she complains is a repeating behaviour. chloe is obviously very loyal to him, even though he doesn't seem to repay the favour. again, there's a big disconnect here.

insecure attachments generally stem from anxiety over potential rejection and/or poor self-esteem cultivated in childhood based on parents’ emotional availability (or lack thereof) to their children. by keeping chloe an arm's distance away, goh keeps himself safe from the dangers of vulnerability, taught to him through childhood encounters with emotionally unavailable parents.

i'm not here to armchair diagnose (ok, who am i kidding, yeah i am), but i think goh's attachment style is anxious-avoidant. his clear avoidance of making friends, the multiple times we see him break off his friendship with ash only to minutes later be like "me and the bestie"...yeah, that's avoidance. but he does crave intimacy, arguably even more than he fears it.

hence why even though he knows ash would want him to journey on his own...he still convinces himself that actually telling ash that would be, as he calls it, a "betrayal of [their] friendship." my theory is that he's not concerned that ash will be upset - he's concerned that ash won't be upset enough. which is why when then ash turns it around on him and says he's going on a journey, goh gets upset and pushes him away. he does the exact same thing with horace when they're younger. just a complete 180 - he wronged me once, so he's the worst and i can't forgive him, ever.

the difference with chloe is that she actually takes care of him more than he takes care of her - which changes the dynamic from "i have to do everything to keep this person in my life, including suppressing my emotions for their sake" to "i cannot express to this person that i have needs and desires because they'll think i'm too much and they won't stick around if i do." which is primarily avoidant, but insecure attachment nonetheless.

this is extrapolation, but i think his relationship with chloe is so different because we are supposed to get the sense that they have a more familial dynamic. so, she's the one person he can't push away from him - but as he learned in his actual family dynamic, he also can't be too close to her. he doesn't want to be smothered; he doesn't want her to feel smothered by him. so they maintain a degree of separation that only begins to go away after her father begins literally housing and feeding him, thus integrating him and ash into their family in some honorary way.

which brings me to the last point, i guess, which is

reluctance to participate in age-appropriate activities with peers and self-reliant to a fault

these are, i think, the traits that jn is most blatantly attempting to better in goh throughout his arc. so i won't spend too long hashing it out, because i think these are things we all know he struggled with!

in flashbacks, we see him alone at school; during the first episode, at professor oak's camp, he is always physically distanced from the other kids and chloe even points out that he's basically doing professor oak's job at one point! he's not on the same level as the other kids and it's clear he doesn't want to be. when he meets horace, we see that it takes him some time to get comfortable enough with him to go explore the forest together and become friends.

he doesn't go to school, but that doesn't mean he isn't learning things - he becomes a very self-directed learner early on, from what he see. he's not just like...rotting in his room playing video games. he's studying and researching. the only times aside from with horace that we see him in a flashback doing something that isn't solitary is with pokemon - and even then, he's like...reciting their pokedex entries. his abra story at the end of jn is precipitated by him saying he was going through his dad's old pokedex (which is a whole other thing - this implies walker used to be a trainer, but neither of goh's parents seem to have pokemon...perhaps they're too busy with work to look after them? a theory for another time, i suppose, but it has undeniably being gnawing at my brain since that episode aired lol).

and of course, there's the fact that in jn062 he tells drizzile he was never comfortable with confiding in his parents or his grandmother...suggesting that he never confided in anyone, because we don't really get the sense from the whole "i don't NEED friends" exchange in jn001 that he considers chloe a reliable confidant, either.

the other place we see his flawed sense of self-reliance, aside from like...everywhere in the first 10 or so episodes, lol (something that is reflected pretty beautifully and symbolically in scorbunny's story, too!), is in project mew. he has to learn how to work in a team - and he clearly hates it. at this point he's found one person to rely on, but that already feels like too much. the raid battle with articuno is the most obvious example of this. he isn't good at being a leader, but he also isn't good at being a follower. because he's only ever been responsible for himself, and he doesn't trust anyone else to know how to direct him, but he also has no clue how to work within the parameters of a team.

i also want to say, as a final note, that i actually think this is all extremely intentional writing. obviously in the west we have a strong capitalism culture too, but the work culture in japan is very toxic (just google "japan work culture" and you can see right away how intense it is lol) and i'm not actually surprised at all that pokemon would make such a direct commentary on that - a lot of japanese kids could probably relate to goh and his emotionally absent, work-obsessed parents! they are clearly pretty well-off, but their dedication to work supercedes matters of home and family, because that's how it's supposed to be. as a result, goh admires them a lot for this dedication - but his arc is primarily about letting go of the "work" part of interacting with pokemon and learning how to have fun and make the most of his experiences. and i think that's a really lovely message for modern pokemon to be sending to kids :')

#answered #*meta #mine #i wrote most of this in may but i came back to finish it tonight shjdfghj hi #goh #pokemon #anipoke #tangentially i actually noticed something similar with the way hz has the kids do like...distance learning and stuff LOL #even sv in itself as like. a school-based adventure. the current culture influence is SO glaring...of course they're emphasizing school as #part of this fantasy world for kids to escape in. i think a lot of adults didn't Get It...but sv were developed during covid. so...yeah #pokemon has always done a very good job of making cultural commentary like this imo!

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merriclo · 2 years

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i love the idea that Wild is a big brother to basically all of the kids in his Hyrule. it’s such a good heacanon that i never see utilized.

#with their dads permission he’ll take Cottla and Koko on horse rides and they always have food ready for his horses when he comes into town #cottla wants to learn archery to be like him and he melts when he finds that out #all the kids in Hateno have been caught giving treats to his horses #this is a popular headcanon i think but him teaching the local kiddos how to sword fight so often times he’ll be found directing a horde of #children who’re all swinging treebaches around. he couldn’t look prouder of them.#imagine when he gets older and all the village kids r teens/young adults and all of a sudden the village has skilled hunters and foragers #and everyone’s like ‘wow what’s hateno doing’ and the answer is they all had a great big brother #by older i mean he’d be like. early thirties. but y’know ahsnfjks #wild’s impact should rest in the ppl i think. botw is all abt humanity’s strive to overcome hardship and find beauty in the misery #(well. it is to me anyhow lmao)#so i love the idea of his influence not resting in politics or myths or whatever #but within the culture and spirit of those he fought for #in my brain he definitely wanted to rescue Zelda at first and that’s the only reason he was going to fight ganon #but as his journey progressed he wanted to protect and cultivate the future more than rescue the past #i like this idea w zelda too. like not only will the future generation have great fighters but excellent scholars and leaders.#wow i am RAMBLING #anyhow. i like big bro wild.#linked universe #lu #jojo’s linked universe #linkeduniverse #lu wild #wild lu #wild linked universe #linked universe wild

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potatobugz · 1 month

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buddy is surrounded by horrible horrible adults like at all times and it is deeply stressing to me. not to baby him, i do think he is easily mislead but he is not stupid. but also like. can he be given a moment to breathe actually. can he not be manipulated for one second. please put him in a normal social situation with regular teenagers his age please im begging you

#fantasy high #dimension 20 #fhjy #d20 #buddy dawn #fantasy high junior year #SLASH LIGHT HEARTED THIS IS NOT A GENUINE COMPLAINT OR ANYTHING #I DIDNT EXPECT TO LIKE THIS CHARACTER AS MUCH AS I DO AND I AM SO WORRIED. IM SO SCARED #i get uncomfortable when people go like “he is just a baby!” because he is a full teenager #like i agree hes being manipulated big time by irresponsible adults around him that dont care about him #but i think its more complicated rhan just “he doesnt know any better!”#but im losing my mind. i think hes being set up as an antagonist for s4 and while #im very excited we get to see more of him im also deeply terrified because i think . he is in danger ?????#bc he is still being influenced by the rage crystal that hasnt been takem out of him + im so scared hes gonna get. killed #i do not think he is evil. i think hes a misguided kid whos having a lot of awful things happen to him #but im terrified i will be proven wrong. buddy please #IM EXCITED TO SEE WHERE THE CLIFFHANGER WILL LEAD TO BUT U MUST UNDERSTAND #IM SO ILL. IM GOING MENTAL. MAD. SICK IN THE HEAD #IM GOING TO MICROEAVE HIM UNTIL HE EXPLODES.

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djsadbean · 5 months

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ultimate weapon against the social media addiction empire: sudoku books from the dollar store with a very nice pen and pencil

#djsadbean rambles #my sister got the family another sudoku book bc we like to trade them every few days #got another in the rotation yahooo!!#also this might be tmi in the emotional sense but my gramgram died late last year and we used to do sudoku together a lot before #her dementia made things really rough many years ago #I find myself using all her techniques she taught me as a kid #we used to go to the dollar store to get activity books every week bc we went thru them so fast #and now I’m susceptible to sudoku influencers LMAO #I have a sudoku game on steam wishlisted bc it looks so good and I saw it on a sudoku influencers page

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feroluce · 4 months

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Belobog was my fave main quest but a lot of it is so. Contradictory. It's like they had multiple groups doing different shit and none of them checked in with each other for consistency. And you see this so much in Gepard's profile.

So in the main quest, they made him unfailingly, unquestionably loyal to Cocolia. Gepard's character arc is him learning to question authority etc etc. And this isn't even a bad thing; that's a story worth telling! It makes good conflict between him and Serval! And I love that we got Gepard as a boss battle and I get to see him all the time in SU!

But then you look at his character stories and it's like. The complete opposite.

According to his profile, Gepard has already HAD this awakening, long before the Astral Express, and he'd already decided Cocolia sucks. Even outside of his stories, there's a pretty damning readable between him and Pela.

He even disobeyed direct orders right in front of her- he has been disobeying orders for a while now!

So I've decided I'm marrying the two different sides of this into a 1.5k fic-ish thingy, because I think there's some fun potential there with Gepard not trusting Cocolia, but still having to pretend to be a good obedient little soldier.

Anyway. I love to think of it as like. Gepard knows Cocolia has sunk into her apathy. He can see it in her eyes every time he looks at her. She doesn't care. Not about him, not about Pela, not about all his soldiers on the frontlines giving their lives to protect the citizens. And that's... It makes him bristle a bit, but ok. Gepard can deal with this. Even if Cocolia no longer cares, as long as she does her job then it's fine. Having compassion behind an action doesn't matter as much as the action itself. If Cocolia's heart is no longer swayed, then he'll just have to care twice as hard to pick up the slack. He considers it part of his duty as a captain of the guard anyway. It's fine. Gepard can deal with it.

And then, Cocolia starts coming down to the restricted zone. Issuing direct orders.

And Gepard realizes he is in way over his head.

Because Cocolia orders him to stay back and issue commands from the ramparts, away from all his comrades, away from where he can protect them.

Gepard had thought nothing could be as bad as watching a fellow guard die right next to him. But the first time he watches someone struck by a killing blow, so far away, it hurts. Every defensive scar across his arms itches, his fingers curl in want of a weapon, the cold cannot numb his hands enough as they desperately ache for his shield. It hurts.

Gepard tries to find any reason to stay. Because surely... He knows Cocolia has lost her love for her people, but surely... She wouldn't...

One day, Cocolia orders for their gunners to advance 20 yards. There are no survivors. She almost looks like she smiles.

Gepard doesn't sleep that night.

Pela brings him the report at the end of the first month; and then the month after that, and the month after that. A significant uptick in losses, and all of it started on that first day Cocolia started overriding his authority and issuing her own orders. The ends of Gepard's pens have all been nearly chewed off. Pela outright calls Cocolia an idiot, and Gepard corrects her. Cocolia isn't an idiot. Gepard had known her through Serval, knew her through all her college years and then some, and he knows how intelligent she is. It's not that she's stupid, and it's not that she's inexperienced, it's nothing of the sort.

Cocolia knows exactly what she's doing.

She must, there's no way she could make such a horrible mess of things so badly by accident. And Pela, quick as a whip, sharp as a tack, always too smart for her own good, catches onto the meaning behind Gepard's correction without any further prompting. The tent goes deathly quiet, nothing but the wind howling outside.

"...She's trying to kill us," Pela whispers, her voice swiftly suffocated by the silence.

Gepard swallows. He can't bring himself to correct her this time. There is nothing he could say that he would actually mean.

His gaze drops, back down to his desk and the reports on it. The names aren't listed, just the numbers, but Gepard knows them, knew them, and there must be something wrong, something he's missing, because why, why would she-? What could this possibly accomplish-?

“Gepard! Focus!” Something snaps right under his nose, and Gepard startles, eyes instantly honing in on Pela's irritated face as she leans over his desk. She holds his gaze for a moment before she huffs and begins to pace, wedges a knuckle between her teeth and bites like Gepard hasn't seen her do since cadet school.

Pela angrily strides from one end of his tent to the other, words hissed between her grit teeth. “What are we going to do?” In the dim lighting, Gepard can just barely see the damp spot of blood weeping under her gloves. “We need a plan.”

“A plan?”

“Wh- Yes, a plan! Unless you want more people to die!” Pela rounds on him then, all the wrath of a blizzard, winds roaring and snow sharp enough to cut.

“We don't even know-”

“What does it matter?! She killed-!!” Pela cuts off with a garbled noise when Gepard leaps up from his desk, hastily shoves his hand over her mouth. The prosthetic, not the flesh one, because he knows better than to assume Pela won't seize the opportunity to leave teeth marks in his skin.

“You're right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry; you're right. But you need to keep quiet.” Pela quirks an eyebrow at him and Gepard can read the question in her face. “Because we both saw what she did to Serval,” he hisses.

It's amazing the snow plains haven't thawed out yet, the amount of heat Pela can put behind a glare. The mere mention of Serval, and the smoking ruins Cocolia had made of her life and career, have her bristling up like a riled cat. The sudden hot breath she takes fans fog across his metal skin, and Gepard wisely keeps it in place until Pela finally sighs and reaches up, taps her fingertips against the back of his hand.

The second she's free, Pela bats him away and then her knuckle is right back between her teeth again, Gepard leaning back against his desk with his arms crossed to watch her resume her pacing. “If we spread the word, she'll have us discharged and make sure we can't even touch the frontlines,” Pela's voice seethes like an open sore. Gepard nods but keeps his silence. He knows better than to get in her way.

“And if you and I are both out of the picture, Belobog is fucked.” A little harsher than how he would have put it, but there's no denying that they're both important to the city's survival. Pela has the restricted zone running as efficiently as ever, and Gepard had become the youngest captain on record for a reason. “We need to keep this tight under wraps, at least for now… It can't leak to anyone higher up the chain.” Another nod. “Serval might know other discontents…” Another n-

Gepard's head snaps up. “No.”

“No what?”

“No. We're not involving Serval in this.”

Somehow, even the same tone that leaves entire squadrons shaking in their boots has never worked on her. “You're not deciding that for her, Gepard.”

Pela hadn't seen the worst of it, though, back when his sister had just been banned from the Architects. Serval's pride hadn't allowed it. Pela wasn't the one to find her passed out bottle still in hand, hadn't been the one to wash the sick out of her hair or carry her to bed.

Serval still has trouble thinking clearly when it comes to Cocolia, still can't quite bring herself to be objective. And Gepard maybe doesn't want her to be purely objective- but he would worry a lot less if she thought twice before she acted more often.

“At least let me be the one to bring it up to her.”

“Whatever, fine,” Pela gestures affirmatively at him as she paces past, and Gepard sighs. Good, at least that's one thing he can help.

From there, it's a lot of hemming and hawing and frustration. Cocolia has them under her boot, and Gepard and Pela both know it. Even with the way she's been cracking down on freedoms lately, Cocolia is still, overall, liked by the people. It's unlikely anyone would believe them. They don't even have solid proof, because most people don't know Cocolia as well as they do and won't see the clues in the same light.

The Fragmentum has been ramping up in recent years, too. Everyone is struggling just to survive as is, they can't afford a fight on two fronts. Gepard is a damn good captain, one of the best for that matter. But they're at a massive disadvantage, his experience is narrowed to fighting a defensive battle against monsters, that's all he's ever done. That's all anyone there has ever done. He has no way of finding first-hand knowledge for taking the offensive against a human opponent, and if he goes at this blind, there's no way he'll get everyone out unscathed. He's going to lose people. He's going to lose a lot of people.

He'd never thought before that Cocolia would have it in her to have someone killed. And with this new knowledge, he has no guarantee she won't go after Serval or Lynx if she decides to retaliate.

Gepard has to remind himself to breathe when he realizes this.

Pela writes down every name the two of them can come up with. Lists and lists of names and groups and anyone they can think of who might be an ally in all of this. They memorize every bit of it, make their plans of who to talk to and when. Gepard watches the sparks reflect off Pela's glasses as they burn the evidence together.

Pela finally leaves, far too late to make it home, but says she wants to stay in the restricted zone anyway to investigate. Gepard watches her make her way in the direction of Dunn's tent, watches her back until she's out of his sight and squashes down the urge to follow and keep an eye on her. His tent feels empty.

In the morning, Gepard is up before the wake up bells. He drags himself out of bed, leads his soldiers through their morning training. The same people gravitate to each other everyday. Friend groups and training partners. There's an ongoing rivalry between a few squadrons that everyone bets on. Some of them have lockets around their necks, keepsakes, mementos. Some of them wear wedding rings.

Gepard is suddenly, painfully aware of something acidic clawing at the inside of his throat, of a heavy weight low in his chest that blooms, takes up room until it threatens to spread his ribs. His mouth tastes of bile and blood.

He rearranges the schedules. Puts himself down for every open patrol into the Fragmentum, makes sure he'll be on the frontlines every single time Cocolia visits.

He only hopes that it's enough.

#honkai star rail #gepard landau #hsr gepard #pelageya sergeyevna #hsr pela #hsr #smacking Gepard out of Hoyo's hands and running off with him skzjmdkd #tentatively Figuring Out how to write these two... It feels a little tricky starting out with extreme circumstances like this haha #I feel like a lot of people see Gepard as naive for trusting Cocolia so much but I don't think that's quite it. He's not stupid.#He's not even naive.#He's someone who has been groomed since birth by his own parents to be an obedient Guard and nothing outside of that role.#You are not immune to propaganda etc etc #But even then there are a lot of things like all the included screenshots where he. Doesn't actually seem to like/trust Cocolia much.#I think Serval was a really good influence on him as a kid. He might have turned out much much worse without her.#and even with how I've written him here. I don't think he's normally slow to act or one to stand aside and make other people lead.#it's just that this specifically was a pretty extreme circumstance for him.#and also he openly states elsewhere that Pela is overbearing and he tries not to interfere with her work whenever possible nskzhdjdjd #Pela too. I don't know that I normally see her as someone with a bad temper or quick to anger.#But again; extreme circumstances haha #Bc like. they both would have seen what happened to Serval when she stood up to Cocolia. they know damn well what's going to happen to them.#if they fuck this up and get caught then they're done.#and I mean. What are they supposed to do? they're two people against the highest authority of the entire nation.#regardless I do love Gepard agonizing over this in the future after Bronya takes over and everything has settled down #did he do the right thing? did he make the right choice? if he went vigilante how many soldiers would have died without his protection?#would Belobog have fallen completely? how many people died because he DIDN'T run away? was it actually enough?#I love characters forced between a rock and a hard place. no good options. pick your poison.#no winning- only weighing what you can and cannot bear to lose.#make your choice and decide whether you want to rot or to burn.

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nias-keca · 2 years

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miorine!!! miorine she was smiling so you wouldnt be frightened!!!!!!

#btw delling has really nice hair (surprised) they animated it all fluffy..#miorine rembran #delling rembran #g-witch #the witch from mercury #there's no need to because the whole point of marrying the strongest kid in school #was to get her an age appropriate spouse willing and capable of violence to protect her and feels responsible to do so.#he probably worries about how she'll survive after he's dead #and idk if his position in the conglomerate is inheritable but if it is that's an extra dangerous position to be in #since she's just a kid with no influence or backing whatsoever #that the holder is able to constantly participate in giant robot fights #means they possess certain sociopolitical standing (backing and influence) and lots of cash (quality of life)#the witch from mercury spoilers #g-witch spoilers

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anxiously-sidequesting · 9 months

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Not to keep beating dead horses like I so much love to do but I am still completely Flabbergasted and Astonished at how you (Merle Ambrose) could discover the most terrifying fact that a child that is essentially under your care has been indoctrinated into a cult (which, by the way, a process that has taken over the course of years) ((by an agent that has been stationed in a direct position to make it easier to access and manipulate children, that has easily escaped your notice for such a long time)) that worships a nihilistic entity whose ultimate goal is the absolute and total destruction of Everything and Everyone around you, and your one, single, simple-sentenced response to that is to say "Oh, that's a shame. He (Duncan) always was pretty terrible. Hope he gets better someday." And then to move on from those extremely worrying and dangerous bundle of issues permanently without taking any sort of action to protect the vulnerable and make sure nothing like this ever happens again

#i love ambrose as a character but the things he does makes me clench my fists so hard blood circulation gets cut off #the absolute.... lack of care ambrose has for certain things literally render me speechless #and like okay in his uh. in his uh “defense”. there was like. other stuff going on at the time. i get that #like the end of the world for the 7th time yeah there were other things on ambrose's plate #but i dont know how many different ways to put “your children are being manipulated and kidnapped into a cult that means them harm under-#-your nose and it can absolutely happen again“ and make that stick #you... i #that is a horrifying fact to learn and the response is dismissive at BEST #like im not saying ambrose should adopt all 800 children that go to his school or whatever #but like... DO SOMETHING #you have COMPLETE AND UTTER INFLUENCE OVER THE NATIONAL GUARD. DO YOU REMEMBER THAT? USE THAT #send out watch parties! hold stranger danger assemblies! have adults regularly check in with kids! install a curfew! ANY OF THOSE THINGS?#like even if ambrose couldnt single-handedly stop a powerful cult he could at least make an effort.... AN EFFORT #ONE ATTEMPT. TO MAKE SURE ****HIS**** SCHOOL AND STUDENTS ARE SAFE........#and the fact that he says something along the lines of “well duncan was always fucked up” ☹️☹️☹️☹️#this shouldt surprise me fir the man who for 1. some reason refuses to fix the death school #2. does not care about dworgyn or mortis in the least #3. keeps trying to pressure necromancers to change schools #4. kidnapped US from earth and used us.#it really shouldnt but........ but #im gonna say it and idc (/lh) if its unpopular. ambrose should not be in power #he is incompetent at best. he is harmful at worst.#he does NOTHING 99.9% of the time and the one Tuesday where he takes action it makes something worse. he should not be in power #this post is /lh but idk. im a little angry #NOT SERIOUSLY ANGRY BUT CMON MAN. CMON BRO #if the game utilized ambrose's potential more and pointed out how useless/paranoid/rash he can be i would ascend to heaven #i would like literally one person (who isnt a villain) in the game to look at ambrose and say “wow hes kinda fucked up”#THATS THE BARE MINIMUM BUT I WILL ACCEPT THAT I WILL.#kind of unrelated but im kinda mad that the only person to correctly point out how weird ambrose is is morganthe #the murderous tyrant. the person we're not supposed to listen to. because she's evil. she couldnt POSSIBLY be right about Good Guy Ambrose!

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bunisher · 4 months

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might be the aro in me but i think one of the reasons i don’t ship mattfoggy is because i enjoy the idea of platonic intimacy and friendship without romance. i enjoy them as best friends, because their friendship is not any less than romantic love or needs to be. especially for characters like them, i think it’s important that they have friendships that are not inherently romantic. matt, because he has severe abandonment trauma and avoidant attachment, where all of his romances have ended in some form of tragedy. he has trouble feeling comfortable with people, he feels like he has to perform in many aspects, and does not with foggy, at least not anymore. trust is a hard earned thing with him, but it’s not just about trusting with being a hero, but trusting to be himself. in regards to foggy, because he also has his own issues regarding family and not feeling accepted. he needs that friend who provides the motivation, validation, and feeling of being good enough just for being him. his insecurities often come from being underestimated, being awkward, not fitting in, and with matt he can just be. they’re able to have a relationship with each other that has rupture and repair, knowing eventually after time it’s them against conflict and not them against each other. they set the standard for each other in how romantic relationships are. they provide that safe place for love that doesn’t have the weight of being someone’s everything or partner. they’re already partners! they’re best friends. i personally am a little in love with all of my friends, and i am utterly devoted to them. i will be affectionate and supportive and loving and i am not dating them. so yeah i see how stuff could be read romantic, i understand why people enjoy the ship, i get it, i do. but it’s more powerful to me when it’s not. romance is not the end all be all and that’s why i am obsessed with their friendship without it being this stepping stone for romance or there being no other explanation.

#or maybe they’re in a QPR without it being labeled as such. that may be my new hc #i may even enjoy the hc that they did try to date for awhile and it wasn’t for them #but that’s also because i hate the idea that heteronormativity has that ppl cannot be friends with their exes #i’m also getting more into relationship anarchy because i think the focus on romance in our societies isn’t great #people irl and characters in fiction shouldn’t /need/ a romantic relationship to be fulfilled #it’s also why i don’t write my ships as super traditional with romance lmao #like no they aren’t living together. no they’re not getting married. no they’re not having a kid #their relationship does not adhere to all of these societal standards and expectations but it’s their’s and it’s real #they just enjoy each other for whatever time they have and that’s okay. they deserve that. they deserve that little break #they deserve to be able to rest and relax and no it’s not perfect but they feel understood and comfortable and it’s enough #it’s not full of pressure and this idea of scarcity. it’s because they genuinely enjoy being around each other #they’re their own people. whole and complete without each other. and then they find love and joy and comfort in each other #and it’s so special to them. their lives are constant chaos and they make time for each other bc those moments r precious to them #hell i hardly ever even label it lmfao they’re just doing stuff. they know what it is but if anybody asks it’s 🤷 who knows #and maybe that’s because of my own queerness and how it influences my writing but it’s just something i think i’ve noticed #anyways #matt murdock #foggy nelson #matt and foggy #fanfiction #amatonormativity #shipping #queer platonic ship #comics inspired #nmcu inspired #/rant #bun.txt

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akkivee · 3 months

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ALL THE ADULTS IN ICHIROS LIFE ARE A BUNCH OF BUM FCKS THERE I SAID IT I NEED EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ADULT TO GET AWAY FROM HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMM

#vee queued to fill the void #THE MORE I THINK ABOUT THIS FCKING TRACK THE ANGRIER I GET ON ICHIROS BEHALF I NEED KAIJOU TO BACK THE FCK UP #YOU WANT TO SELL THE LAND AND BUSINESS TO MAKE MONEY THEN YOU DO IT YOU SNIVING ASS CONNIVING ASS BUM ASS OHHHHHHHHH MFER #BTCH QUITE LITERALLY SAW ICHIROS INFLUENCE AND GOOD HEART AND TRIED TO USE IT FOR HIS OWN GAIN #THE FVK YOU MEAN YOU WANT ICHIRO TO WRITE YOUR PROPOSAL AND PRESENT IT FOR YOU????????? AND PULLING BB INTO YOUR OWN FCKING FAMILY DRAMA #‘OH JIRO AND SABURO ARE JUST KIDS THO’ AND LIKE ICHIRO FCKING ISNT?????? YOUR GRANDSON IS ONLY FIVE YEARS YOUNGER THAN ICHIRO #REI FCKING LEAVES HIM THE MAN HE STARTED TO THINK WAS HIS SECOND FATHER BETRAYED HIM FOR MONEY AND THE NEXT ORPHANAGE DIRECTOR WAS CRAZY #MOZUKU WAS KAIJOU NUMBER FCKING ONE RAMUDA BRAINWASHED KUUKOU AND SAMATOKI SAID FCK THEM KIDS #HOW???????? HOW DOES A MAJORITY OF THE ADULTS HE KNOWS TREAT HIM THIS FCKING BADLY HOW??????????#LIKE THANK FCK REIS BEEN STEPPING UP THESE PAST FEW TRACKS AND SAMATOKI AND RAMUDA GENUINELY DO CARE ABOUT ICHIRO #BUT FCK MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GODDAMN!!!!!!!!!!!! SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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ctl-yuejie · 2 years

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ramblings on Li Ming (and Heart) and homosexuality

moonlight chicken has so many things to offer in terms of technical beauty and interesting themes but what i cannot stop thinking about is the different ways they approach homosexuality in the story.

we have Wen who has a rainbow flag on his desk and pictures of him and Alan on the wall. Wen, who openly flirts with Jim and has no qualms talking openly about his one night stand. Wen, whose step father knows about his sexuality and is close enough with him to discuss his love life.

Kaipa we don’t know too much about. But his mom knows and is supportive and some of the vendors and the chicken family seem to know. But if anyone was questioning in what reality this show is set with all the class discussion and corona featuring, his part of the story shows that homophobia exists and he is worried about how he fits in with his own family, the expectations of his mother and possible the awareness that he makes the family he has “different”.

Jim is arguably even more visibly gay than Wen in terms of what we see throughout the show. He opened the shop with his ex, they prayed at the temple together and even though he objected due to proprities sake eventually they loudly declared their love to each other and the whole neighbourhood knows. Wen somehow feels like he is living in the remnants of a bubble: his circle of friends seems very queer, his closest friend and the whole gym seem to be all part of that as well. This only might change now with him questioning his work and breaking up with Alan: some gatherings he won’t attend anymore apparently.

And finally, we have Li Ming. At school he doesn’t seem to open up to his classmates on most things and additionally is in the closet. While there wasn’t anything alluding to homophobic rethoric being spread at school we can see how the heteronormativity gets to him and feel that there must be good reason as to why no one knows. And it could just be how Li Ming is judging the situation based on vibes, we don’t know. His mother is or at least was homophobic but at the same time he is raised by his gay uncle who is surrounded by other gay people. And I love how it feels like this might have given him enough security to be comfortable with his own sexuality but how it also isn’t enough to shield him from the world at large.

With so many great shows coming out of Thailand and most of them getting more and more political it just feels so real and 2023 to me that Li Ming is part of a generation that knows who they are but still have to battle with the shadow that homophobia has cast way before they were born.

#moonlight chicken #i had this in my draft for a week now thinking if i'd get the time i could put this more leloquently but that was a lie as it turns out #might edit some stuff later #but for now i just have to write about how fantastic this show is for giving these varied realities of queer life #which are all influenced by their environment but also in the way the characters connect across generations #we don't know if him had a gay mentor who could've guided him #whereas li ming technically has him and his neighbourhood friends to reference #but li ming - understandibly so - seems more closeted than anyone else (minus Heart possigly)#in middle school everyone around me proclaimed how supportive they were of lgbt+ rights #but as soon as one guy came out he become the TALK of the school for weeks #he got reduced to his sexuality #and when he dated a girls some months after he got called attention seeking for coming out as gay before #and most people thought they were doing an open-minded thing #and despite knowing that i know that i am not the only queer kid who decided to not come out lest we'd become that talk of the whole school #and our dating lives scrutinized #even though all of us were super comfortable with who we are #and for me that was mostly the case because i had adult lesbian role models close to my family #so i knew i was good and that nothing strange was going on #but still - this othering made the school environment hostile enough to keep me in the closet #so yes - i am extremely delighted with how they depict this dynamic with li ming

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