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religion-is-a-mental-illness · 10 months ago

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By: Beth Bourne

Published: Feb 27, 2024

Kaiser gender specialists were eager to approve hormones and surgeries, which would all be covered by insurance as “medically necessary.”

On September 6, 2022, I received mail from my Kaiser Permanente Davis Ob-Gyn reminding me of a routine cervical screening. The language of the reminder stood out to me: “Recommended for people with a cervix ages 21 to 65.” When I asked my Ob-Gyn about this strange wording, she told me the wording was chosen to be “inclusive” of their “transgender” and “gender fluid” patients.

Based on this response, several thoughts occurred to me. Could I expose the medical scandal of “gender-affirming care” by saying and doing everything my daughter and other trans-identifying kids are taught to do? Would there be the type of medical safeguarding and differential diagnosis we would expect in other fields of medicine, or would I simply be allowed to self-diagnose and be offered the tools (i.e. hormones and surgeries) to choose my own gender adventure and become my true authentic self?

If I could demonstrate that anyone suffering from delusions of their sex, self-hatred, or identity issues could qualify for and easily obtain body-altering hormones and surgeries, all covered by insurance as “medically necessary” and potentially “life-saving” care, then maybe people would finally wake up. I certainly had.

I was prepared for failure. I wasn’t prepared for how easy success would be.

* * *

I am a 53-year-old mom from Davis, CA. My daughter began identifying as a transgender boy (social transition) and using he/him pronouns at school during 8th grade. Like several of her peers who also identified as trans at her school, my daughter was a gifted student and intellectually mature but socially immature. This shift coincided with her school’s sudden commitment to, and celebration of, a now widespread set of radical beliefs about the biology of sex and gender identity.

She “came out” as trans to her father (my ex-husband) and me through a standard coming-out letter, expressing her wish to start puberty blockers. She said she knew they were safe, citing information she had read from Planned Parenthood and the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH). To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I was also confused because this announcement was sudden and unexpected. While others quickly accepted and affirmed my daughter’s new identity, I was apprehensive and felt the need to learn more about what was going on.

Events began escalating quickly.

During a routine doctor’s visit scheduled for dizziness my daughter said that she was experiencing, the Kaiser pediatrician overheard her father using “he/him” pronouns for our daughter. The pediatrician seemed thrilled, quickly asking my daughter about her “preferred pronouns” and updating her medical records to denote that my daughter was now, in fact, my son. The pediatrician then recommended we consult the Kaiser Permanente Oakland Proud pediatric gender clinic, where she could get further information and (gender affirming) “treatment.” Now I was the one feeling dizzy.

As I began educating myself on this issue, I discovered that this phenomenon—minors, most often teen girls, suddenly adopting trans identities—was becoming increasingly widespread. It even had a name: rapid onset gender dysphoria, or ROGD. Thankfully, after learning about the potential side-effects of blockers and hormones, my ex-husband and I managed to agree not to consent to any medical interventions for our daughter until she turned 18 and would then be able to make such decisions as an adult.

Over the past five years, my daughter’s identity has slowly evolved in ways that I see as positive. Our bond, however, has become strained, particularly since I began publicly voicing my concerns about what many term as “gender ideology.” Following my daughter’s 17th birthday family celebration, she sent me an email that evening stating she would be cutting off contact with me.

While this estrangement brought me sorrow, with my daughter living full-time with her father, it also gave me the space to be an advocate/activist in pushing back on gender identity ideology in the schools and the medical industry.

I decided to go undercover as a nonbinary patient to show my daughter what danger she might be putting herself in—by people who purport to have her health as their interest, but whose main interest is in medically “affirming” (i.e., transitioning) whoever walks through their door. I am at heart a mother protecting her child.

* * *

My daughter’s sudden decision to become a boy was heavily on my mind in early September of 2022, when mail from my Kaiser Permanente Davis Ob-Gyn reminded me of a routine cervical screening with “Recommended for people with a cervix ages 21 to 65.” I was told that the wording was chosen to be “inclusive” of transgender and “gender fluid” patients.

Throughout the whole 231-day process of my feigned gender transition, the Kaiser gender specialists were eager to serve me and give me what I wanted, which would all be covered by insurance as “medically necessary.” My emails were returned quickly, my appointments scheduled efficiently, and I never fell through the cracks. I was helped along every step of the way.

Despite gender activists and clinicians constantly claiming that obtaining hormones and surgeries is a long and complex process with plenty of safety checks in place, I was in full control at every checkpoint. I was able to self-diagnose, determine how strong a dose of testosterone I received and which surgeries I wanted to pursue, no matter how extreme and no matter how many glaring red flags I purposefully dropped. The medical workers I met repeatedly reminded me that they were not there to act as “gatekeepers.”

I was able to instantly change my medical records to reflect my new gender identity and pronouns. Despite never being diagnosed with gender dysphoria, I was able to obtain a prescription for testosterone and approval for a “gender-affirming” double mastectomy from my doctor. It took only three more months (90 days) to be approved for surgery to remove my uterus and have a fake penis constructed from the skin of my thigh or forearm. Therapy was never recommended.

Critics might dismiss my story as insignificant on the grounds that I am a 53-year-old woman with ample life experience who should be free to alter her body. However, this argument for adult bodily autonomy is a standard we apply to purely cosmetic procedures like breast implants, liposuction, and facelifts, not “medically necessary” and “lifesaving” treatments covered by health insurance. Or interventions that compromise health and introduce illness into an otherwise healthy body. And especially not for children.

My story, which I outline in much more detail below, should convince any half-rational person that gender medicine is not operating like any other field of medicine. Based on a radical concept of “gender identity,” this medical anomaly preys upon the body-image insecurities common among pubescent minors to bill health insurance companies for permanent cosmetic procedures that often leave their patients with permanently altered bodies, damaged endocrine systems, sexual dysfunction, and infertility.

* * *

Detailed Timeline of Events

On October 6, 2022, I responded to my Ob-Gyn’s email to tell her that, after some thought, I’d decided that maybe the label “cis woman” didn’t truly reflect who I was. After all, I did have some tomboyish tendencies. I told her I would like my records to be changed to reflect my newly realized “nonbinary” identity, and that my new pronouns were they/them. I also voiced my desire to be put in touch with an endocrinologist to discuss starting testosterone treatment.

Fifteen minutes later I received an email from another Kaiser doctor informing me that my medical records had been changed, and that once my primary doctor returned to the office, I’d be able to speak with her about hormone therapy.

I responded the following day (October 7, 2022), thanking her for changing my records, and asking if she could connect me with someone who could help me make an appointment for “top surgery” (i.e., a cosmetic double mastectomy) because my chest binder was rather “uncomfortable after long days and playing tennis.”

She told me to contact my primary care MD to “get things rolling,” and that there were likely to be “preliminary evaluations.”

Six days after contacting my primary care MD for a referral, I received an email from one of Kaiser’s gender specialists asking me to schedule a phone appointment so she could better understand my goals for surgery, so that I could get “connected to care.” This call to review my “gender affirming treatment options and services” would take 15-20 minutes, after which I would be “booked for intake,” allowing me to proceed with medical transition.

This wasn’t an evaluation of whether surgical transition was appropriate, it was simply a meeting for me to tell them what I wanted so that they could provide it.

On October 18, I had my one and only in-person appointment in preparation for top surgery. I met in Davis with my primary care physician, Dr. Hong-wen Xue. The assessment was a 10-minute routine physical exam that included blood tests. Everything came back normal. Notably, there was not a single question about why I wanted top surgery or cross-sex hormones. Nor was there any discussion of the risks involved with these medical treatments.

The following week, on October 24, I had a phone appointment with Rachaell Wood, MFT, a gender specialist with Kaiser Sacramento. The call lasted 15 minutes and consisted of standard questions about potential drug use, domestic violence, guns in the house, and whether I experienced any suicidal thoughts. There were no questions from the gender specialist about my reasons for requesting a mastectomy or cross-sex hormones, or why I suddenly, at 52, decided I was “nonbinary.”

After the call, Kaiser emailed me instructions about how to prepare for my pre-surgery intake video appointment to evaluate my mental health, scheduled to take place on November 15. The email stated that prior to my appointment, I should research hormone risks on the WPATH website, and to “research bilateral mastectomy and chest reconstruction surgery risks and recovery” on Kaiser’s website.

I decided to request a “gender-affirming” double mastectomy and phalloplasty. Kaiser sent me a sample timeline for gender transition surgery preparation (see below) that you can use as a reference for the process. I also asked for a prescription for cross-sex hormones (testosterone) as needed and recommended by Kaiser.

[ Source: Kaiser Permanente, Top Surgery - EXPLORING YOUR SURGICAL OPTIONS ]

Pre-Surgery Mental Health Video Appointment, Part I

This “Mental Health Visit” assessment was conducted over Zoom. The Kaiser gender specialist started with questions addressing my marital status, race, gender identity, and other demographics. She asked whether I was “thinking of any other surgeries, treatments in the future.” The list she read included “gender-affirming” hysterectomies, bottom surgeries such as metoidioplasty and phalloplasty, vocal coaching, support groups, and body contouring. “Anything else you might be interested in doing?” she asked. I said that I’d perhaps be interested in body contouring. I was also assured that all the procedures would be covered by insurance because they were considered “medically necessary.”

I dropped in several red flags regarding my mental health to see the reaction, but all were ignored. For instance, I revealed that I had PTSD. When the therapist asked me about whether I had experienced any “childhood trauma,” I explained that I grew up in Mexico City and had been groped several times and had also witnessed men masturbating in public and had been grabbed by men in subways and buses. “I was a young girl, so [I had] lots of experiences of sexual harassments, sexual assault, just the kind of stuff that happens when you are a girl growing up in a big city.” “So, you know,” I finished, “just the general feeling that you are unsafe, you know, in a female body.”

The therapist did not respond to my disclosure that trauma could be the cause of my dysphoria. Instead of viewing this trauma as potentially driving my desire to escape my female body through hormones and surgery, she asked whether there is anything “important that the surgery team should be aware of” regarding my “history of trauma,” such as whether I’d be comfortable with the surgeon examining and marking my chest prior to surgery.

When asked about whether I had had any “psychotic symptoms,” I told her that while I had had no such symptoms, my mother had a delusional nervous breakdown in her 50s because she had body dysmorphia and became convinced she had a growth on her neck that needed to be removed. I told her that my mother was then admitted to an inpatient hospital for severe depression. I asked her whether she ever sees patients with body dysmorphia and whether I could have potentially inherited that from my mother. She told me that psychosis was hereditary, but that it was “highly unlikely” that there was any connection between body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria.

I enthusiastically waved more mental health red flags, waiting to see if she would pick up on any of them.

I’m just wondering if my feelings, or perseverating, or feeling like these breasts make me really unhappy and I just don’t want them anymore!...I’m just not sure if that’s a similar feeling to body dysmorphia? How do you decide which one is gender dysphoria and general body dysmorphia, and just not liking something about your body? Feeling uncomfortable with your body? And I did have an eating disorder all through college. I was a distance runner in college so I had bulimia and anorexia, you know. So I don’t know if that’s related to gender dysphoria?

The therapist replied, “I completely appreciate your concerns, but I am going to ask you questions about your chest, about your expectations. And then I’ll be able to give you an assessment.” She also said the main difference between my mom’s situation and mine was that my mom didn’t really have a growth on her neck, whereas it’s “confirmed” that I actually have “chest tissue.” Furthermore, she said that while “historically there has been all this pressure on patients to be like ‘Are you really, really sure you want hormones? Are you 100% sure?’ We are a little more relaxed.” She continued, “As long as you are aware of the risks and the side-effects, you can put your toe in the water. You can stop ‘T’ [testosterone], you can go back and do it again later! You can stop it! You can stop it! You know what I mean?”

Because we ran out of time, I scheduled a follow-up phone meeting on December 27, 2022 with a different gender specialist to complete my mental health assessment for top surgery.

Pre-Surgery Mental Health Video Appointment, Part II

During this meeting, Guneet Kaur, LCSW, another Kaiser gender specialist (she/her/they/them pronouns) told me that she regretted the “gatekeeping vibe” of the meeting but assured me that since I have been “doing the work,” her questions are essentially just a form of “emotional support” before talking with the medical providers.

She asked me about what I’d been “looking into as far as hormones.” I told her that I’d be interested in taking small doses of testosterone to counterbalance my female feelings to achieve “a feeling that’s kind of neutral.”

When she asked me about me “not feeling like I match on the outside what I feel on the inside,” I dropped more red flags, mentioning my aversion to wearing dresses and skirts.

I don’t own a single dress or a skirt and haven't in 20 years. I think for me it’s been just dressing the way that’s comfortable for me, which is just wearing, jeans and sweatshirts and I have a lot of flannel shirts and, and I wear boots all the time instead of other kinds of shoes. So I think it’s been nice being able to dress, especially because I work from home now most of the time that just a feeling of clothing being one of the ways that I can feel more non-binary in my everyday life.

She responded, “Like having control over what you wear and yeah. Kind of that feeling of just, yeah, this is who I am today. That’s awesome. Yeah.”

She then asked me to describe my dysphoria, and I told her that I didn’t like the “feeling of the female form and being chesty,” and that because I am going through menopause, I wanted to start taking testosterone to avoid “that feeling of being like this apple-shaped older woman.” “Good. Okay, great,” she responded, reminding me that only “top surgery,” not testosterone, would be able to solve my chest dysphoria. (Perhaps it was because all these meetings were online, they didn’t notice I’m actually fit and relatively slender at 5’-5” and 130 pounds, and not apple-shaped at all.)

She told me that we had to get through a few more questions related to my medical history before “we can move on to the fun stuff, which is testosterone and top surgery.”

The “fun stuff” consisted of a discussion about the physical and mood changes I could expect, and her asking me about the dose of testosterone I wanted to take and the kind of “top surgery” technique I’d prefer to achieve my “chest goals.” She told me that all or most of my consultations for surgeries and hormones would be virtual.

The gender specialist told me after the appointment, she would submit my referral to the Multi-Specialty Transitions Clinic (MST) team that oversees “gender expansive care.” They would follow up to schedule a “nursing call” with me to review my medical history, after which they’d schedule my appointment with a surgeon for a consultation. Her instructions for this consultation were to “tell them what you’re wanting for surgery and then they share with you their game plan.”

[ Decision-making slide to help me identify my goals for top surgery–flat chest, nipple sensation, or minimal scarring. Source: Kaiser Permanente, Top Surgery - EXPLORING YOUR SURGICAL OPTIONS ]

She told me that Kaiser has a team of plastic surgeons who “only work with trans and nonbinary patients because there’s just so much need for them.” She asked about my priorities for chest surgery, such as whether I value flatness over nipple sensation. I learned about double incision top surgery with nipple grafts, as well as “keyhole,” “donut,” “buttonhole,” and “Inverted-T” top surgeries.

By the end of the hour-long appointment, I had my surgery referral and was ready for my “nursing call” appointment.

Nursing call with Nurse Coordinator from the Transgender Surgery and Gender Pathways Clinic at Kaiser San Francisco

On January 19, 2023, I had my nursing call with the Nurse Coordinator. He first said that “the purpose of this call is just for us to go through your chart together and make sure everything’s as accurate as possible.” Once that was done, my referral would be sent to the surgeon for a consultation.

He asked me about potential allergies and recreational drug use, and verified that I was up to date on mammograms, pap smears, and colon cancer screenings, as well as vaccines for flu and COVID. I verified my surgical history as well as my current medications and dietary supplements.

He told me about a “top surgery class” available for patients where one of the Kaiser surgeons “presents and talks about surgical techniques and options within top surgery,” and includes a panel of patients who have had top surgery. I signed up for the February 8th class.

Within 10 minutes he told me that he had “sent a referral to the plastic surgery department at Kaiser Sacramento,” and that I should be hearing from them in the next week or two to schedule a consultation.

Appointment for Testosterone

On January 27, I had a 13-minute online appointment with a primary care doctor at Kaiser Davis to discuss testosterone. The doctor verified my name and preferred pronouns, and then directly asked: “So, what would you like to do? What kind of physical things are you looking for?”

I told her I wanted facial hair, a more muscular and less “curvy” physique, and to feel stronger and androgynous. She asked me when I wanted to start, and I told her in the next few months. She asked me if I was menopausal, whether I had ovaries and a uterus, although that information should have been on my chart.

The doctor said she wanted me to come in to get some labs so she could check my current estrogen, testosterone, and hemoglobin levels before starting hormones. Then “we'll set the ball in motion and you'll be going. We’ll see you full steam ahead in the direction you wanna go.”

That was it. I made an appointment and had my lab tests done on February 12. My labs came back on February 14, and the following day, after paying a $5 copay at the Kaiser pharmacy, I picked up my testosterone pump. That was easy!

Top Surgery Consultation

On the same day I received my labs, I had a Zoom surgery consultation with Karly Autumn-Kaplan, MD, Kaiser Sacramento plastic surgeon. This consultation was all about discussing my “goals” for surgery, not about whether surgery was needed or appropriate.

I told the surgeon that I wanted a “flatter, more androgynous appearance.” She asked me some questions to get a better idea of what that meant for me. She said that some patients want a “male chest,” but that others “want to look like nothing, like just straight up and down, sometimes not even nipples.” Others still wanted their chest to appear slightly feminine and only “slightly rounded.” I told her that I’d like my chest to have a “male appearance.”

“What are your thoughts about keeping your nipples?” she asked. “Are you interested in having nipples or would you like them removed?” I told her that I’d like to keep my nipples, but to make them “smaller in size.” She asked me if I’d like them moved to “the edge of the peck muscle” to achieve “a more male appearance.” I said yes.

I was asked to show my bare chest from the front and side, which I did. Then she asked me how important it was for me to keep my nipple sensation. I replied that it was important unless it would make recovery more difficult or there were other associated risks. She highlighted the problem with the free nipple graft, saying that removing the nipple to relocate it means “you're not gonna have sensation in that nipple and areola anymore.” However, some nipple sensation could be preserved by keeping it attached to “a little stalk of tissue” with “real nerves going to it,” but that would require leaving more tissue behind. I told her I’d go for the free nipple graft to achieve a flatter appearance. It was also suggested I could skip nipple reconstruction entirely and just get nipples “tattooed” directly onto my chest.

She told me I was “a good candidate for surgery,” and put me on the surgery wait list. She said that the wait time was between three and five months, but a cancellation could move me up to a sooner date. Also, if I wanted surgery as soon as possible, I could tell the surgery scheduler that I’d be willing to have any of the other three surgeons perform my mastectomy. Outpatient top surgery would cost me a copay of $100.

They contacted twice, in February and March, notifying me of cancellations. If I had accepted and shown up on those dates, they would have removed my breasts. This would have been less than five months from the time I first contacted Kaiser to inform them of my new “nonbinary” gender identity.

How Far Can I Go?

I decided to see how easy it would be for me to get approved for a phalloplasty. Known euphemistically as “bottom surgery,” phalloplasty is the surgical creation of an artificial penis, generally using tissue from the thigh or arm.

I sent an email on March 1, 2023, requesting to have a phalloplasty and concurrent hysterectomy scheduled alongside my mastectomy.

Two weeks later, on March 16th, I had a 16-minute phone call with a gender specialist to discuss my goals for bottom surgery and obtain my referral.

During the call, I explained to the specialist that I wasn’t sure about taking testosterone anymore because I was already quite athletic and muscular, and that taking testosterone didn’t make much sense to me. Instead, I wanted bottom surgery so that I wouldn’t feel like my “top” didn’t match my “bottom.” I told her:

But what I really wanted was to have bottom surgery. So this way when I have my top surgery, which sounds like it could be very soon, that I’ll be aligned, that I won’t have this sense of dysphoria with one part of my body and the other part feeling like it matched who I am. So yeah. So I just did a little bit more research into that. And I looked at the resources on the Kaiser page for the MST clinic and I think I know what I want, which is the hysterectomy and then at the same time or soon after to be able to have a phalloplasty.

I told her that I wanted to schedule the top and bottom surgery concurrently so that I wouldn’t have to take more time off work and it would save me trips to San Francisco or Oakland, or wherever I had to go for surgery.

None of this gave the gender specialist pause. After a brief conversation about some online resources to look over, she told me that she would “submit the referral now and we’ll get this ball rolling.”

Bottom surgery would cost me a copay of $200, which included a couple of days in the hospital for recovery.

Phalloplasty Surgical Consultation with Nurse Coordinator

On May 16, 2023, I had a short surgical consultation with a nurse coordinator to go through my medical history. This was similar to the consultation for top surgery but included information about hair removal procedures for the skin on my “donor site” that would be fashioned into a makeshift penis. They also went over the procedures for determining which donor site—forearm or thigh—was more viable.

After only 15 minutes, she submitted my referral to the surgeon for another surgical consultation.

On May 25 I received an email from my phalloplasty surgeon’s scheduler, informing me that they have received my referral and are actively working on scheduling, but that they are experiencing delays.

I ended my investigation here once I had the referral for the top and bottom surgery. I never used my testosterone pump.

Final Thoughts

In fewer than 300 days, based on a set of superficial and shifting thoughts about my gender and my “embodiment goals” triggered by the mere mention of “gender” in a form letter from my primary care physician, and driven by what could only be described as minor discomforts, Kaiser Permanente’s esteemed “multi-disciplinary team” of “gender specialists” was willing, with enthusiasm—while ignoring mental health concerns, history of sexual trauma, and rapidly escalating surgical requests—to prescribe life-altering medications and perform surgeries to remove my breasts, uterus, and vagina, close my vaginal opening, and attempt a complex surgery with high failure and complication rates to create a functionless representation of a penis that destroys the integrity of my arm or thigh in the process.

This describes the supposedly meticulous, lengthy, and safety-focused process that a Kaiser patient must undergo to embark on a journey to medically alter their body. No clinician questioned my motivations. No one showed concern that I might be addressing a mental health issue through radical and irreversible interventions that wouldn’t address my amorphous problems. There were no discussions about how these treatments would impact my long-term health, romantic relationships, family, or sex life. I charted the course. The clinicians followed my lead without question. The guiding issue was what I wanted to look like.

No other medical field operates with this level of carelessness and disregard for patient health and welfare. No other medical field addresses issues of self-perception with surgery and labels it “medically necessary.” No other medical field is this disconnected from the reality of the patients it serves.

Kaiser has traded medicine for ideology. It’s far beyond time we stop the ruse of considering “gender-affirming” interventions as anything approaching medical care.

This isn’t the first time Kaiser Permanente has been in the news for completely disregarding medical safeguards in the name of “gender-affirming care.” As girls, Chloe Cole and Layla Jane became convinced that they were born in the wrong body and were actually boys on the inside. Doctors at Kaiser ignored their underlying conditions and instead prescribed testosterone and removed their breasts. Both Cole and Jane have since detransitioned and are currently suing Kaiser.

The fact that children and vulnerable adults are being exploited in this massive ideological experiment is not just tragic; it’s deeply disturbing, especially considering it has evolved into a billion-dollar industry.

I hope that by sharing my story, I can bring more focused scrutiny to the medical scandal unfolding not just at Kaiser but also at medical centers and hospitals across the Western world. These institutions have completely abandoned medical safeguards for patients who claim to be confused about their “gender,” and I aim to awaken more parents and assist them in protecting their children.

This is completely insane.

Apologists online are running around saying, but she didn't mean it, she was lying, she was pretending...

It doesn't matter.

Any kind of security, penetration or integrity test is insincere too. When security researchers compromise Microsoft's operating system or Google's browser or whatever, "but they didn't mean it" is not a defence to a discovered security flaw. It doesn't matter that the security researchers didn't plan to steal data or money or identities. The flaw in the system is there regardless.

It doesn't matter that it was insincere. Because the workers didn't know that. They never checked, never asked questions, never tested. They had been taught and instructed to never ask any questions. They did what they were supposed to. And the system failed spectacularly. Because that's what "gender affirming care" means.

Additionally, the claim that Beth Bourne committed fraud is an outright lie. A patient cannot bill. They do not have the authority. The medical clinic is the only one that can bill, and they must supply a diagnosis and a medical necessity.

If they didn't diagnose her and just wrote down what she said, then they committed fraud. If they claim they did diagnose her, then they committed fraud, because the diagnosis they concocted was bogus. This, by the way, is actually going on. Clinics are reporting fake endocrine and other disorders to get blockers, hormones and other interventions. Jamie Reed and other whistleblowers have documented evidence of this. Beth Bourne is not responsible for what the clinic does. They have medical licenses and legal responsibility. Not her.

Additionally, anyone who actually read the article would know how she tested the system. She said things like, "I've always been not that feminine. So, maybe I get my boobs removed." And they said, "sure." Instead of saying, "wait, why do you think that?" Framing it as her lying is itself a lie. They violated their ethical obligations. That much is incontrovertible. And it's directly the result of "gender affirming care," where clinics and clinicians rubber-stamp anything deemed "trans" based entirely on ideological, not medical, grounds.

#Beth Bourne #undercover #undercover investigation #gender identity ideology #queer theory #nonbinary #non binary #top surgery #bottom surgery #double mastectomy #bilateral mastectomy #gender affirming care #gender affirming healthcare #gender affirmation #affirmation model #medical scandal #medical malpractice #medical corruption #religion is a mental illness

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wabatle · 2 months ago

Note

Hello! :) Can you write Kaiser sour patch kids for October 12? Stay safe and make sure your mental health is alright <3

「 ✦ Flufftober Day 12: Michael Kaiser ✦ 」

☽｡⋆ Genre: Chocolate (break up/back together)

☽｡⋆ Warnings: none

☽｡⋆ Contains: gn!reader, angst, happy ending

You knew Michael Kaiser was an enormous red flag. That's why you broke up with him in the first place.

You knew Michael Kaiser missed you. If you couldn't tell from the constant messaging, the constant unannounced visits, and the gifts you find laying at your apartment door.

Kaiser appeared at your door yet again. He had flowers and a familiar guilty expression.

“Hi, mein(e) Liebe. Um… How are you?”

“I'm okay.”

“Um… I–I miss you.”

“I know.”

“Please take me back. I can't go on.”

“Kaiser—”

“I'll treat you better than I ever did before. I'll never ignore you or hurt you or make you cry… please, Schatz, please.”

“I—”

“Even if it's just once, let me take you out on one date. To prove I'm right for you.”

You thought for a second. It didn't seem too bad. Your breakup wasn't messy— you just needed space.

“Mihya, there's no reason to beg like that. Actually, I was planning on asking you to get back together.”

His heart fluttered at the familiar nickname. “Really?”

“Really.”

He hugged you tight, breathing in your scent, finally safe in your arms once more.

☽｡⋆ Sorry Anon by the time I finished writing this i realized it wasn't angst... sorry :((

☽｡⋆ Flufftober event

#emi's flufftober event!#michael kaiser x reader #blue lock x reader #bllk x reader

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greattigerssimp · 2 months ago

Text

Punch Out!! Wii boxers and their workout regimes.

(Got inspired from @bucketspammer4life and their buckets-worth of Punch Out headcannons, so here I am making mine! Teehee. We all saw cutscenes about how Lil Mac trains for matches, but what about the other boxers?? Find out here!)

Glass Joe: 🥐🇫🇷

- Hates waking up early, so he starts later in the afternoon/evening

- When he works out, he wears a black hoodie that says "But first, coffee" on it.

- Focuses on cardio to stay in shape, and because his natural upper body strength is abysmal

- Kaiser sometimes helps him prep for matches and tends to over-praise him... like, Joe will do 2 push-ups and Kaiser will be on his knees, screaming about how amazing Joe is doing.

- Hates dieting to build muscle (since it takes him away from his beloved breads and wine), but if he has to, his go-to meal plan consists of Greek yogurt, berries, PB on whole grain sandwiches, and salads.

- His workout playlist consists of a variety of music, but quite a lot of Daft Punk. He's a closeted fan of them.

- He used to sparr with Gabby Jay before he died. It was his only real practice and upper body exercise he got. Nowadays he sparrs with Kaiser or Bear Hugger for practice

Von Kaiser: 🔩🇩🇪

- Opposite of Joe, focusing on his upper body strength only.

- Wears his classic slutty white tank top and army pants... and iconic boots while working out.

- He also wakes up stupidly early for a run, and almost got mugged one morning one time.

- A rare pull-up lover! Dude is shockingly good at pulling his own weight.

- He's also scarily good at climbing stuff... don't blink, or you'll see him on your roof all of a sudden

- Uses techniques from his own regime to help train his students

- Workout playlist is boring

- Very meat heavy diet, both on rest and training days. Very bleak breakfast, mainly consisting of eggs, toast, and black coffee.

Disco Kid: 🕺🇺🇲

- One word: Boxercise.

- Takes lessons with Heike as his teacher

- Ofc wears the leotard. He's had that leotard for a while, actually... he says it fits fine, buuuut let's just say that there are certain signs that show the outfit getting small on him...

- Exercises whenever he wants; his classes are indoors, so time isn't an issue for him.

- Has over +20 playlists, one for every day, of ever hour, of every "vibe."

- If he's training for a fight, he'll usually rely on greens and vegetables to help him keep him focused. Also plenty of protein shakes (his fave flavor is cookies and cream)

- Aside from boxer-cising, he enjoys going on afternoon or morning walks with his mom (and sometimes April tags along)

King Hippo: 🦛🏝

- His only idea of "working out" is to swim butt naked at the nearest beach

- The only music he listens to is the ocean ✨️

- He always eats a punching bag before hits fights... no one knows why. That should tell you enough about his pre-fight diet.

Piston Hondo: 🥊🇯🇵

- Like Kaiser, works out early in the morning, but also late at night too

- If he's in public, he's wearing a white t-shirt and sweat pants. If he's working out in private, he's wearing this pink Sailor Moon tank top he's owned since he left Japan.

- He and Tiger practice meditation together. Mental health is just as important as physical health!

- Cardio lover

- Disgustingly quick reflexes

- One time, he used a treadmill at the gym, and he accidentally broke it after running in the highest setting for over an hour.

- Playlist consists of J-Pop and a little bit of vocaloid. Like Joe, he's insecure about the music he likes.

- Absolute W workout diet. Rice + home made chicken or white fish, crunchy sea weed strips, and lightly seasoned edamame?? All inside a cute bento box that looks adorable AND portions out the food??? Sign me and the WVBA up! He changes it up a lot, too, for the sake of trying new things.

Bear Hugger: 🐻🇨🇦

- Trains anytime of the day, wearing anything. Sometimes he'll train butt naked in the woods to really "capture the bear spirit."

- Bears, squirrels, you name it! He's trained, at least with every North American animal, at least once.

- Loves hockey! Not only does he watch it a lot, but he's good at playing! He and Lomasi play for fun or for training.

- Doesn't really listen to music while working out (he prefers the sounds of nature) buuut he does have a playlist all about country rock.

- His diet? Raw fish. Either caught by him, Lomasi or the bear he trains with.

Great Tiger: 🐅🇮🇳

- Doesn't actually work out... his clones do, and he resuscitates the energy from their efforts.

- Does meditation with Hondo... will float unconsciously during meditation.

- His playlist consists of authentically Indian music, mainly ones with a calming aura. He listens to them while meditating

- Will sometimes go on jogs with Hondo and get hilariously left behind because Hondo is naturally speedy

- Works out/meditates shirtless

- Would have a W diet if he knew how to cook. He mainly gets Hondo to make him bento boxes for lunch and dinner. Had a prime phase for a good 2 months

Don Flamenco: 🥀🇪🇸

- Works out shirtless in the summer, low-cut tank top in the autumn and spring seasons, and doesn't work outside during the winter.

- Also loves swimming! His swimming exercises are pretty rigorous. Also, he posts thrist traps of him swimming for attention lmao

- Carmen decides when he can and can't work out. Someday's he can work out at night or in the morning, and somedays he can't

- His workout playlist is all sorts of disorganized. He's got authentic Spanish music in there, but he also likes his fair share of girly pop (thanks to Carmen), and because of his one emo phase, there's a bunch of metal and punk pop in there. One minute he's listening to "Firework," the next, it's "Misery Business."

- He would absolutely LOVE to have his own Spanish based diet, but nah... Carmen's rich parents usually cook for him every night. He's stuck eating unseasoned chicken and cold collared green until his fights. And no, he isn't allowed to cook for himself, even though he can do so pretty well.

Aran Ryan: 😈🇮🇪

- Upper strength dude, straight up. If he's not punching something into oblivion, he's not working out.

- Works out all night and sleeps all day.

- Will trash talk whatever inanimate object he's beating into oblivion.

- Got arrested once for fighting random strangers on the street... police were called after he bit someone's finger off. Claims he was just working out

- Wears a "punch me, I'm Irish" tank while he's working out

- Playlist consists of Irish and British punk rock bands

- Gets hot way too easily; the place he works out in has to be breezy/cool or he's getting distracted

- No diet whatsoever. No one's taking his fish and chips or his shepards pies away from him, no sir

Soda Popinski: 🍾🇷🇺

- Booty shorts and crop top tank top. Doesn't matter what the weather is... he's wearing this. He gets a lot of stares...

- Hates cardio, makes him anxious bc he's so tall. Focuses on upper body strength

- He isn't into basketball, but if we was, he'd be really good at it; would be a nice way to train.

- During his withdrawal phase, he found it horrible to work out. He felt so tired and weak for days on end, and lacked the motivation needed to workout.

- Broke lots of training equipment back in his spiked liquor era.

- Playlist mainly consists of Russian hits that he grew up with + the occasional folk song

- Sparrs with Macho Man for totally straight reasons (liesss)

- Very safe, very bland diet... but it does the trick, and it doesn't make him throw up. He's very conscious about what he puts into his body, since he's afraid of how the liquor would react to it.

Bald Bull: 🐂🇹🇷

- Wears a boxing outfit + tank top

- Also meditates, but privately.

- His entire work out regime is as closeted as possible.

- Very calm when working out... he's almost a completely different person than how he is in the ring

- Listens to calming white noise instead of music

- Diet isn't that rigorous, but it isn't particularly unhealthy either. Baklava for breakfast, lean kebabs for lunch, and Manti for dinner.

Super Macho Man: 🌊🇺🇸

- Wears the same speedo he does in the ring when he works out. If it's cold outside, he'll wear a Hollywood Blvrd hoodie and no pants, aside from that speedo.

- ONLY works out on the beach he lives by, and only does it in the afternoons.

- Blasts his music on the beach... he listens to a DISGUSTING amount of pit bull. It's either him, or any other rave song that's been played dozens of times

- Either swims, surfs, or punches a bag. He'll record himself doing this too

- Likes to sparr with Soda on the beach... and surf, ofc, this is my AU and Soda x Macho Man is built upon romantic surfing moments !!!

- Also hates dieting, like Joe, but if he has too, he'll stick to steaks and energy drinks. Also enjoys morning Mimosa's

Mr. Sandman: 💤🇺🇲

- Very private work out routine

- Spends entire days in his apartment, just punching a bag and listening to a playlist designed by Mr. Dream that TOTALLY doesn't have subliminal messages... ha-

- Puts bulking powders into every piece of lean meat and energy drink he consumes; its borderline unhealthy

- Ofc the bulking powder he uses is created by the WVBA...

- He's lowkey miserable, but pretends he's not.

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healthinsuranceexchangeus · 3 months ago

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#small business health plans #kaiser health care #kaiser health #kaiser health plans #health insurance california #health insurance #kaiser permanente #health insurance for kids #kaiser oregon

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bebsibby · 5 months ago

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The Top Surgery Log

Hello! I got top surgery yesterday! I want to catalogue my experience so I can remember it and provide some insight for people who want it but haven't gotten it yet. I will continue to update this post as my healing goes on. Everything under the read more!

Leading Up

My insurance is with Kaiser which has been an AWESOME experience so far. They do require a therapist letter, so no informed consent, but the process was very simple and there were a lot of people dedicated to getting me what I needed.

I had about 3 therapist meetings where she just asked me questions about my experience with gender and how my transition has gone so far, my support network, can I afford it, etc. Then she wrote my letter, sent it off to the surgical team, and I was approved within a few days!

After that I had my very first consult with the surgeon. He took pictures, did a breast exam, asked about general health and family health history, then gave me a little presentation of the process. It had post up photos of prior patients, a lot of explanations of the types of surgeries available that he does, and a lot of good information in general. He answered a lot of my questions and made me feel fully confident and prepared for the experience.

Also important to note: I told him the surgery I had been wanting ever since I started doing top surgery research was Inverted-T and I was curious of he knew of it/why that WASN'T an option they offered. He explained everything to me and showed me what he expected my results to look like if I DID want to go to a different surgeon outside of Kaiser. Said surgeon does NOT accept insurance, but would work with the insurance side of things to make sure they would reimburse for the expenses. I really appreciate that because it showed me they wanted to do get exactly what I wanted.

Based on all of that, I decided to just opt for Double Incision both to save me time and get a result that was aesthetically more pleasing to me. Loss of nipple sensation is unfortunate, but apparently IT only has the potential to bring a little sensation back, which wasn't worth all the extra hoop jumping for me.

After this consult, my surgeon told me to think about everything then email him a few days later with my decision. I did and then a few days later got my call to schedule. I got to pick my date but not the time of day, as I would later learn that's decided by the hospital and not me. Once my surgery was scheduled, another pre-op appointment was scheduled about a month before the surgery date. That appointment was very short, as it was just signing consent forms and confirming everything I wanted. He also gave me a packet of supplies I needed to get before the surgery.

After that, I'd occasionally receive emails with more pre-op instructions, like when to stop eating and drinking, showering instructions, when to stop certain medication, and how to care for my drains.

The Surgery

The day before surgery I had initially planned to do all of the last minute housework and leave for the surgery the next morning. HOWEVER, when I got my call to tell me the time, it turns I had to be there by 6 AM! The surgery center is over an hour away from me and the bus my wife and I were going to take didn't run that early, so we had to scramble to make other plans. Luckily the friend who was going to drive us back home was cool with us crashing on his floor for the night, so we were able to do the most important things at home then take the bus down the day before.

Once we were all set up for the night, I did the first cleaning routine that I was required to do, set my alarm, then tried to sleep. I didn't get much due to Hard Floor and also excited but that wasn't a biggie because I'd be sleeping again soon LOL.

Next morning I woke up, did my second skin cleansing, and we headed out! I checked in, waited a little in the waiting room, then got called back to start.

Everyone who was working with me was SUPER funny and kind. I got asked more questions, signed another form, took some pre-med tylenol, them stripped to switch into my gown, bonnet, and grippy socks (Got to keep those btw :>) My IV got put in my wrist which REALLY fucking hurt!!!!!! It never stopped aching. After that, the surgeon popped in to check on me and see if I had any questions, then they wheeled me in to the operating room.

I had gotten another premed via IV that was already making me tired, and I remember the last thing being the surgeon saying what to do with my removed tissue once he was done and I was gone!

The surgery itself lasted around four hours, but all I remember is waking up and seeing my wife and friend sitting at the foot of the bed. I said hi to them and that was apparently third time I had said it. I had been up and talking to them for awhile all loopy but also becoming suddenly very serious when talking with the nurses. I've had a few surgeries but I've NEVER been this way after so that was funny. The nurse had also been giving ME all of the postop discharge info and I don't remember it so thats unfortunate! I only remember her talking about the drains. I had to read it all again when I got home but it was all good.

Once I was awake enough, they wheel-chaired me down to my friends car, packed us all up and we headed back home. I napped about half the time but still kept my eyes closed when i was awake and talking bc my vision was still FUCKED and it was so bright out. We got home, I was lead inside, and that was that pretty much! I napped several more times, nibbled on some roast beef, emptied my drains (which made me very woozy, mostly due to the standing) and went to bed!

After Surgery

Day one! I woke up a few times in the night mainly to go to the bathroom, but slept REAL deep otherwise. It rained all night which was awesome. I woke up feeling very achy but not painful except for my throat. Those ET tubes are NOT easy on your body. Took all my meds, got out of bed eventually, and had cup ramen for breakfast. Now I'm just sitting on the couch with all my computer stuff moved from my desk to where I'm sitting. I got a long hdmi cable so I can just watch stuff on the big TV so I'm pretty set up!

My wife just brought me some cookies and overall I'm just feeling really good. Not really excited or emotional about it. Its just a very warm contented feeling.

I don't know what my chest looks like yet since my post-op binder got put on while i was still out, but everything gets removed next week! I'll probably update again after that appointment.

Feel free to ask specific questions! I'll be resting most of the time so I'll just be around!

#top surgery

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iww-gnv · 1 year ago

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New York CNN — Savonnda Blaylock, a pharmacy technician in northern California, has worked for health care giant Kaiser Permanente for 22 years and she’s never been on strike. That could change on Wednesday when she becomes one of 75,000 workers who participate in the nation’s largest health care strike in history. Blaylock said it will be tough to walk off the job and away from her regular patients, even though the strike is set to last only three days. But Blaylock said she feels she has no choice given the staffing problems she now sees at the hospital, both as an employee and as a patient. “When we try to schedule appointments (for my mother), we’re told they don’t have the staff to accommodate her,” said Blaylock. “When I came to Kaiser, this was the best place to work. This was where I wanted to retire from. Now I think about leaving, though I don’t want to. On my shift now, there are probably about 12 of us. Pre-Covid there were 18. We’ve lost so many workers over the past three years.” If the coalition of unions does go on strike it would affect dozens of facilities in California, Oregon, Washington, Colorado, Virginia and Washington, DC. Members of the coalition of unions — including nurses, therapists, technicians, dietary services, maintenance and janitorial staff — are set to walk out for a three-day strike starting on Wednesday. Kaiser said it has contingency plans in place to continue to provide care to patients during a strike.

#news #healthcare #healthcare strike #nurses strike #nurse strike #kaiser permanente #hot strike summer #hot labor summer #hot strike fall #hot labor fall

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fitgothgirl · 3 days ago

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I haven't been writing/journaling here lately despite wanting to; this is supposed to be a personal blog lol. The ADHD not-right-now response has been rough lately. So many things I haven't been doing despite my intent. I didn't even text my mom on Thanksgiving... We're estranged and have our issues and all but that's still a pretty big deal. I'm sure she's crushed but she hasn't said anything bc my general communication problems aren't new (especially when compounded with our issues). I'm going to need to apologize/explain when I text her for Christmas though. I know she understands but still.

Anyway, I'm behind in replies to a good chunk of other people too. Also just things I want to do I keep putting off. I had a good period of time where I was more successful in working through/overcoming this feeling, and even feeling it less often. But it's become a struggle again. I feel like getting on Wellbutrin a little over two years ago was part of what helped a lot, but its benefits seem to have been gradually waning.

At my last appt with my psychiatrist before I lost my health insurance bc I had gotten fired, he took the evidence of me losing my job as a reason to reconsider stimulant medication, as he didn't realize ADHD was having that much effect on my life (i.e. making a lot of mistakes at work/missing details). But I wasn't going be able to see him again for that exact reason so. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Kinda sucks to know that but I still liked him and would go back to him if I could; however I'm officially starting Kaiser next year (ugh) and he was through a PPO (sorry non USAers lol) so it's moot. Anyway, whoever I end up seeing in the near future for at least my current meds can maybe explore that route with me.

I said this is supposed to be a personal blog, but it's also supposed to largely focus on my fitness/wellness, which I haven't been bringing up at all really lately. I reblog stuff like that but most of my posts lately are about totally random things lol. I always intend to post my workouts or thoughts/plans to do with my health, and then I just. don't. 🙃

Good things though: still getting to the gym with decent consistency. Just cracked open my bujo a few days ago after months and prepped it for January. I'm back to cat-sitting and have a good chunk of reservations over the holiday (contributing to my needs for a bujo), and the money from that will be a lifesaver. Finally watched a summary video of the most recent book I read of a series, since it's been like a year and I've been really wanting to finish the trilogy (it's The Mistborn Trilogy by Brandon Sanderson - of his stuff, I've only read Elantris and the first two books of this trilogy. I'm a newbie to the fandom and really wanting to catch up at least a little! But my close friend is a bibliophile and a hardcore BrandoSando fan). Cleaned up around the house a few times and got to a few clutter corners in my room when the inspiration randomly struck. So yeah, not doing nothing at least.

Physical health-wise, besides getting to the gym 2-3 times a week for lifting, I've been trying to get in more cardio. I did a couple home workouts from this youtube channel I really used to like, but I had planned to do it other times too and it kept falling through. But I remembered in the past having liked doing the stair climber after lifting at the gym so I've been trying that again instead; I think this just works better for me so I'm going to try to keep it going. I just like being at the gym, and when I'm trying to do something at home I keep putting it off. Also I like how it's pretty akin to hiking. But yeah, overall cardio's been a bit of a struggle. I've had some times where I tried to prioritize cardio over lifting but kept procrastinating and ended up doing neither and that's definitely not what ya want.

Also it's been a long time but I'm starting to try to log my food in MyFitnessPal again; not even for weight loss necessarily but I just feel like I've been kind of losing sight of what I'm eating/how much and I need a little refocus. I've been busier and running around more lately and that always messes with meals, plus I've been getting meals at work (which aren't necessarily bad/unhealthy/high calorie, but it's just another new variable).

Last few workouts! Still doing my three day split of back & biceps, chest/shoulders/triceps, and legs/glutes & abs.

#mine #me #personal fitblr #fitness #health #healthblr #healthy #exercise #workout #hevy #myfitnesspal #mfp

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maochira · 2 years ago

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Ayo Hi Mao🖐️

Love you writings they're cool and amazing.

but recently I have had my problems with my Latin class (literally passed with a 4 which used to be a 5)

What do you think about having Latin with Ness and Kaiser. Kaiser looks like that one guy who barely passes Latin. Ness might have chosen French but he'd rather choose Latin because Kaiser had chosen it

Kaiser is probably also that one guy to forget to do his homework and then asks if he can copy it he'll also ask if he can copy the answers from the exam because he didn't study.

thanks I appreciate you for reading this

have a good day/night

Byeeee

OMG I used to have Latin class and I miss it a lot!! I love Latin sm and it was one of my favourite and best subjects 😭 due to my mental health when I was 15 I had to switch to another school that didn't have Latin but it's forever stuck with me and my OC lore hnngg

Requests open! - masterlist

Tags: gn!reader, reader is friends with Kaiser and Ness, for context: at some German schools you have to choose between Latin and French when you start 6th Grade!

-Ness definitely only chose Latin because of Kaiser. He planned to take French, but as soon as Kaiser mentioned taking Latin, Ness changed his opinion

-it wasn't only because of Kaiser, it was also because you mentioned choosing Latin a bit earlier and Ness just didn't want to sit all alone during French class

-you study together all the time. Either during breaks or you meet up at Kaiser's place after school

-in the beginning, all three of you were doing very well. But as soon as 7th Grade starts, Kaiser loses track for a bit and suddenly he's behind on grammar and vocabulary

-Kaiser end up becoming SO BAD at Latin. He always acts as if he's still really good at it, but his vocabulary tests show otherwise

-also, he never does his homework on his own. Even when you do it together, he just waits for you and Ness to finish so he can copy it

-but!! Kaiser still likes learning about the history of the Romans a lot!!! That's something he's definitely better at than you and Ness, so at least he gets his grades up with that

-after seeing what the French students learn, Ness is so happy he chose Latin. Why are half of the letters in French words not said out loud? How is that word even pronounced?

-you always sit in the first row together because Kaiser wants it that way. He's definitely some kind of teacher's pet so he can get his grades better despite his awful results on tests and exams

-really, if it weren't for you and Ness studying with him, he'd definitely fail the class and lose track of everything. Kaiser refuses to acknowledge that, though

-although, at some point Kaiser manages to catch up on Latin again and returns to being as good as he was in the beginning! He was on the verge of failing, so you and Ness had to convince him to put more effort into studying and refused to let him copy your homework so Kaiser ended up doing that himself (although, Ness was close to showing him sometimes, but you held him back from it)

#bllk #blue lock #bllk x reader #blue lock x reader #blue lock x you #bllk headcanons #blue lock headcanons #blue lock kaiser #bllk kaiser #blue lock ness #bllk nss #michael kaiser #alexis ness #michael kaiser x reader #michael kaiser x you #alexis ness x reader #alexis ness x you

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vilandel · 8 months ago

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Silver Cats & Black Roses

Chapter 15 – Determination

A/N Luck and two Blue Roses are already aware of Yami and Charlotte being in a relationship 💙 Meanwhile, Nozel can't help but daydream about Vanessa, making the Silver Eagles worrying about his health 💜 Shall I mention that this chapter was one of my favorites to write?

Ao3 link

♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣

“I think I need more of that.”

“Shut up, Yami.”

The captain of the Black Bulls just let out a loud laugh at the tired protest of the beautiful woman lying beside him. Honestly, he was tired too, so there was no way he had enough reason to make fun of her. At least, not too much.

No wonder actually that they were both still tired, the sun only started to rise and they didn’t had a lot of sleep last night.

Well, Yami took Charlotte three times last night, which was the reason why they were still tired when they woke up. To be fair, if his body and more importantly her body, wouldn’t have been exhausted after three times, he would have taken her at least one more time.

Yami couldn’t help but smile as the memories of last night started to dance in his mind. Okay, it hadn’t been the plan to actually sleep with his Prickly Queen, but he would rather stop to drink booze before he would regret it. Damn, that was the best night in his life.

If he had known how wonderful it would feel to have Charlotte in his arms, to love and make love to her, he would have given up on his pride a long time ago.

Gosh, he really had been stupid and dense all this time. Kaiser had been right, Charlotte actually loved him back. This woman had proven him enough last night.

Yami turned his head to look at the woman he loved. Charlotte lied on her belly, eyes closed, head lying on one arm, the hair undone except the cute little braid, naked and the blanket only covering down her knees. Which was good, so he could look at her sexy butt.

He put a hand on that specific body part and laughed as he heard Charlotte groan. It sounded frustrated and flustered at the same time. What a woman.

“Must you always be so vulgar even in your gestures?”

“Don’t act like you dislike my vulgarity, woman. You more than appreciated last night, each time I took ya. Besides, there is honestly nothing I haven’t seen already during our night together.”

“Yami!”

She was protesting, but he could hear the smile in her voice.

Honestly, who would have thought that Charlotte Roselei, captain of the Blue Roses and the woman with the coldest behaviour he knew, would actually take the initiative and gave herself to him, body and soul?

Yami thought he had known her well for years and yet, Prickly Queen always managed to still surprise him. Her Ki was still so unique and practically impossible for him to read, but Yami didn’t care anymore. He was in love with her and this was probably the reason why her Ki wasn’t easy for him to understand.

“Yami…”

“Hm?”

“I… I love you.”

“I know.”

“Seriously, that’s all you have to say to me after everything?”

Yami laughed at her reaction. “I know you love me and you said it yesterday, I’m more a man of action and I think I show you more than enough what you are to me. This is enough for yours truly. Although, I wouldn’t mind to give you another proof.”

“You… You brute,” Charlotte laughed, trying to look falsely offended.

“Your brute, please use the right word, my Prickly Queen.”

Charlotte blushed, making her cheeks look like rubies. At least, Yami assumed that the colour was the shade of those kind of gems, as he never seen rubies in his life.

“Well, I don’t know what I expected from you, Yami. But you haven’t changed your personality and that is actually a relief, so don’t get me wrong,” Charlotte said as she sat up on her side of the bed. But as soon as she tried to stand, she fell back on the mattress, groaning.

“You seem a bit wabbly on your feet, Prickly Queen. Quite the unusual sight, actually, don’t tell me I was too harsh last night,” Yami laughed. Dang it, he haven’t been in such a pure good mood for way too long.

“Not that much, even though we did it three times,” Charlotte mumbled. “It’s more that… well… it was my first time…”

Yami stopped laughing abruptly.

Wait… that was her first time?

Shit…

Yami immediately took the blankets, eying them carefully before throwing them away to inspect the mattress.

If he had knew that, he would have at least tried to hold back, to be soft as much as he could manage. And maybe he wouldn’t have taken her from behind on their second turn. Charlotte was a strong woman, but this doesn’t mean that he would hurt her, even unintentionally. She meant too much for him for that.

Thankfully, he found no trace of blood on the blankets or on the mattress. Either he actually did hold back on instinct… or Charlotte was also the strong woman he knew on this particular domain.

Okay, could he stop loving her more and more for a moment? He started to felt overwhelmed by all this new open emotions.

“I wouldn’t have thought that it was your first time, Prickly Queen.”

“And how so?”

“You were taking initiative. You didn’t blush in offense like a prude old girl and well… I honestly don’t know how to explain it, ya were just that amazing.”

“Would you stop teasing me?”

“Hey, that wasn’t teasing this time, ya truly were amazing!”

Charlotte blushed again, turning her head away. And still, Yami had time to see the little happy smile on her lips. Yep, she really wasn’t prude, that was just the normal old Charlotte he knew and love.

It was somehow weird. He discovered many sides of her only lately, especially during their common investigation and even more during their night. But all those sides of Prickly Queen seemed so familiar, as if he already knew them.

How could he knew already things he just discovered.

Charlotte turned back to him, giving up on standing on her feet for now, bringing her legs back to her and putting her arms around them, while her head lied on her knees and she looked at him in the softest smile he ever saw.

That wasn’t a sexy position, more like a cute one and it was enough for him to get all thirsty for her again.

Did she even realize what effect she had on him?

“Will you cuddle? Or is this not badass enough for you, captain I-Surpass-My-Limits?”

Yami laughed loudly. She wasn’t the best teaser as she was a newbie on that domain, but her attempts were actually pretty good. At least, he loved them.

“You know that I have a reputation to hold. But who gives a fuck, you’re the only one I wanna show my softer side.”

“You have a softer side?”

“Just come here and enjoy your privilege, woman.”

Charlotte chuckled – why the hell did he never realized how lovely that sound was – and practically half lied down on his chest, while Yami put an arm around her, the other one behind his head.

It was peaceful. Really peaceful…

Yami used to make fun at those kind of fluffy things, to make fun at corny shit like that. Maybe it will still don’t change, knowing him. But he didn’t find it ridiculous anymore right now. He also never would have thought that Charlotte would be so hopelessly and deeply in love with him and he was still having a hard time to believe it. But still, there she was, in his arms and despite her still complicated Ki, Yami could tell how happy she was.

He slowly started to understand Finral, when he was almost singing a hymn about how beautiful the quiet, peaceful moments were he shared with his wife. There was no way Yami would ever admit it, but having Charlotte in his arms and just enjoying the moment together, it was indeed precious. Maybe Finral became smarter in romance shit now that he was married to the love of his life.

It was like being a bubble, as if it was just the two of them. As if nothing else was important, as if the world outside was far away.

Yami sighed deeply. He kinda wished that it would be like that forever or at least for very long.

And he hoped that he wouldn’t have the urge to take a dump soon. For the first time, this perspective would clearly piss him off.

“Yami…” Charlotte whispered after a while.

“Hm?”

“What will come next?”

That was a good question, actually. A damn good question and clearly something they needed to discuss one time or another. Yami might not care that much about nobles and all their shitty complication in their status, but it wasn’t like he didn’t catch up on a thing or two. Especially during all those time he spend with his Prickly Queen.

And Charlotte was actually the reason why he started to care more about the world of nobility. He wasn’t that dumb, he knew that she was one of the best matches by noble standards and she had mentioned here and there that her family were planning to marry her off to a douche.

That thought of course didn’t sit well with him. In fact, it was pissing him off just as much like when Asta had been set on trial as a scapegoat – another proof about how important his Prickly Queen was for him. He just couldn’t handle the simple thought of Charlotte being chained into a loveless marriage to an asshole who would just see her as a trophy or as a tool for his own goal. Heck, HIS Prickly Queen deserved far better than that! Charlotte Roselei, captain of the Blue Rose squad was the most amazing woman she knew and even though he still had no idea how nobility worked behind the scenes or what would happen in the future, Yami was already decided to not give her up without a fight.

But he didn’t want to think about all those details and hurdles right now. In this very moment, everything was so far away and peaceful, he didn’t want to spoil this new sweetness. And he didn’t want Charlotte to lose her mind about it right now. Yami knew very well how she was when she was stressed and stress was undoubtedly the last thing she needed right, after what she had to deal with after Spade.

“Prickly Queen, let’s just say that for now, those will be future Yami and future Charlotte’s problems.”

“Haha, very funny. You do realize that sooner later future Yami will be present Yami and the same applies to future Charlotte. It’s not something we can just continue to ignore until it’s too late.”

“You worry too much.”

“You relax too much.”

“Yeah, true. But trust me, Prickly Queen, it’s not like I don’t give a fuck what all those noble bootlickers would think about us. Okay, I don’t really care about their opinions. But I know that it won’t be easy and this I care about. Because you’re worth it to me.”

“Yami, I…”

She was clearly flustered, having no idea what to say and Yami would lie if he would say that it didn’t meant the world to him. He put his other arm around her, holding her closer.

“We’ll deal with it, I promise you that. But I just wanna enjoy the moment right now, it’s the best way to spend my time.”

“Okay. But still… Would you agree to keep our, well… to keep a secret what’s between us? Even from our squads? Just to have some more time in peace. I know my girls and I know the members of your squad, it won’t be calm once they find out about us. Especially Luck.”

“Oh yeah, that’s the best idea. I don’t want to deal with ups and downs right now. Now, can I have a kiss or something more?”

“Kiss is enough for now, I’m still exhausted from the three times you took me.”

Yami laughed deeply before Charlotte shifted a bit and to put her lips on his. Yami gave in to the kiss, enjoying her unique and rosy taste. Despite being softer than what he was used to give and get, the kiss still felt full of passion and burnt in his body just as much as the wild kisses from last night.

They continue to make out for a while. Minutes or an hour, maybe more? Yami couldn’t tell and honestly, he didn’t care about it. Nothing seemed more important to him right now than the beautiful woman in his arms.

Both lost all notion of time, almost as if time itself decided to stop for a while, just to give them more moments together.

That is, until there was a knock on the door, pushing them back into the normal timeline.

“Captain Charlotte,” Pulis voice came from behind the door, sounding slightly mischievous. “Most of us will have breakfast soon and we decided to make a common breakfast all together in your little brothers honour, since he’s our guest. Would you like to join us? We can ask captain Yami what he wants, since he’s here as well.”

The last sentence made the lovers jump apart in shock.

Wait, how…

Charlotte jumped from the bed with a squeak, her legs suddenly not all wobbly anymore and she somehow gathered a bathrobe while jumping around and yelling “Wait, Puli!” or something like that.

Yami just groaned as he himself got up and tried to gather some of his clothes from around the bedroom. No, they weren’t in the same place, he had to grab each one from another corner of the bedroom and to wabble to each piece of clothing like a dumb dude with a hangover who somehow got drunk again.

Did he throw his clothes at different corners or was it Prickly Queen? Yami couldn’t recall and both were highly possible, given how thirsty Charlotte was, especially for her first time.

And why the heck didn’t focus on that except on the fact that it was more than probable that the Blue Rose knights already known that he and Prickly Queen slept together?

Oh. Oh! OH!

“Fuck.”

Now Yami didn’t wabble, he run across the room, trying to at least put his pants on while finding himself in a rare situation of panic.

This was bad, this was really bad.

How much did Prickly Queens girlies know? And more importantly how much did they hear? Yami didn’t gave a fuck last night that the Blue Roses might or might not came to hear him fucking their captain and now this was coming back to bite him in the ass.

Damn it, he and Charlotte did just talk that they wanted to wait before telling their respective squads about their still very young relationship. Just to have some peace, was that too much to ask?

Not to mention that those fricking Blue Roses were always high on gossiping and even worse, Luck was present…

Oh fuck!

Luck was present. Luck was present! One of his own brats! And even worse, Luck happens to be the brat who is also Prickly Queens long lost found little brother! Not to mention that Luck was already very overprotective over his big sis and for some reason, especially when Yami himself was involved.

Wait… Does this mean than Luck already knew about Prickly Queens feeling for him? How did he even found out about it before his own captain? Yami couldn’t believe that he had been so dense about Charlotte that even one of his dumber brats knew about this obvious secret. Who else of the Black Bulls knew about this as well, then?

While Yami just stood there, thinking about problems that should have been future Yami’s problems, Charlotte actually managed to get her royal blue bathrobe on and opened the door. He felt her Ki tense for a second, before she actually sighed deeply, frustrated and relieved at the same time.

“Puli, this is NOT funny!”

“I apologize captain Charlotte, especially for having plopped your happy bubble. But you know, Luck, Églantine and I really had done our most to keep this spicy little secret safe from the others, especially Sol and we agreed that we should better warn you.”

Wait! Does this mean that the whole Blue Rose squad didn’t know after all?

But before Yami could join Charlotte at the bedroom door, some kind of blonde lightning bold made him fall right back on the bed.

“Can we fight, captain? Can we fight? Since you’re here, can we fight?”

“For fuck’s sake, Luck, we are NOT fighting in your big sis’ bedroom, have some decency!”

“But you had a beddance with her, captain Yami and as her brother, I can’t let that pass, you know. Gauche told me that.”

Damnit Gauche, why did gave Luck some lessons about being a good brother? And where did he learned such a word like beddance? Did that word even exist? If Vanessa started again to invent some words, he would put her on Astas cleaning duty for the next ten years!

“Luck, please, I did consent and actually, it was in fact me who took the initiative,” Charlotte immediately protested. She was blushing a lot – to be fair, which older sibling would want to admit their sex stories to their younger brothers and sisters – but her voice was still firm. Damn, not losing her authority while embarrassed? No wonder she became such a strong woman.

“But big sis, he hadn’t realized you’re head over heels for him for ten years, I still have some beat up to do with him, please!”

“Luck!”

Woah, that long, huh?

Wait, THAT LONG! Ten fucking years? Prickly Queen had feelings for him for ten damn years and he hadn’t realized it all this time?

Yami groaned, closing his eyes. He would never hear the end of it.

Could he please get back into the nice bubble from before with Charlotte? Gosh, how mushy did he became to actually wish for something as corny as that?

“Don’t worry, captain Charlotte, you and captain Yami don’t need to came down for breakfast with the whole squad. As you see, Puli, Luck and I brought you something you can eat here.”

Eat? Now that sounded like a good idea. Not as much as going back to the corny bubble, but still a good one.

Yami opened his eyes to see to whom that third voice belonged. A Blue Rose, of course, not older than twenty at most he’d say, with big turquoise coloured eyes and azure blue corkscrew curls. Typical noble hairstyle, he’d say, although he couldn’t tell if those curls were styled or actually natural.

Corkscrew put a silver tray with lots of food and some things to drink as well on a table, before turning towards him. Yami immediately frowned, trying to determine if this Blue Rose was hostile or not.

But Corkscrew just smiled at him and put a hand in front of him. “I’ve already heard about you, of course. But still, I’m happy to finally make your acquaintance properly, captain Yami. I’m Églantine Évantail and as you could guess, I’m a Blue Rose.”

“Um, nice to meet you,” Yami just mumbled, shaking her hand. Églantine Évantail, huh? Such a typical noble name, why were those always so elegantly complicated and difficult to learn by heart? He would call her Corkscrew still, it worked with her hair.

Évantail did she say? Wasn’t this also the family name of that old noble fart that tried to court Charlotte in this restaurant weeks ago? When she told him about her long lost sibling? Well, Corkscrew had the same eye colour as that Reggie guy or whatever his name was. Who could forgot people with turquoise shade in their eyeballs?

But unlike Reggie, Corkscrew’s eye colour wasn’t dull and from her Ki, she seemed like a genuinely nice girl.

“Ah, here’s the man of the hour,” Puli laughed, one of the rare Blue Roses Yami already knew. Actually, maybe he needed to learn about the whole squad than just that nice fatty and that earthy amazon that was fangirling over Prickly Queen. The Blue Roses meant so much to Charlotte, he was only fair that he should get to learn her girls.

But this was something for future Yami.

“It’s really a good thing that you finally got a grip on herself, captain Charlotte waited very long for you,” Puli continued, Yami couldn’t define if she was subtly warning him or she was just very happy. “You should be happy that it was just us three who woke up that night and heard you busy being busy. If it would have been Sol, Wainsley or Galgaria, goodness, the whole kingdom and even the three others would know about you right now. Maybe the far away land of the Sun as well.”

Puli, Luck and Corkscrew laughed as if it was some kind of joke, but Yami and Charlotte were more embarrassed. The thought that not only Clover but also Heart, Diamond and Spade would know about them… That was actually kinda scary.

After a while, Charlotte coughed a bit. “I’m grateful to the three of you for keeping the secret. You might understand very well that Yami and I would… like to be in secrecy for a while. You know… The nobles, everything… So, can we count on you three to guard our secret until we’re ready to make our relationship open.”

“Of course, captain Charlotte, you can’t count on us.”

“Hey, I know first-hand how my house has their eyes on you, so don’t worry, you have my support.”

“That’s mean I know something Magna doesn’t? That is actually cool, I have your back, big sis! Just a question, will I be soon an uncle?”

Puli and Corkscrew laughed, while Charlotte blushed heavily. As well as Yami.

“Geez, you brat, do you wanna die so badly? Just because we’re fucking doesn’t mean we intend to make babies already!”

“That’s right, we’re… we’re not even married!”

“Well, not being married doesn’t stop from making babies, you know,” Corkscrew replied, before actually bursting into laughter again.

“Églantine is right, but yes, it is way too soon to talk about babies,” Puli chuckled, before actually passing through the door. “We’ll leave you alone for now, sorry for having bursting in. Captain Charlotte, captain Yami, we see you later. Do you come, little Lucky? You can have breakfast with Églantine and me, if you want.”

“Hell yeah!”

Luck gave Yami one last punch and hugged Charlotte before jumping after Puli and Corkscrew, leaving his sister and his captain alone again.

Once the door was closed again, both lovers sighed deeply in relief.

“Well, that went better than expected,” Charlotte muttered as she came back to him on the bed, literally falling on the mattress.

“You really think so, Prickly Queen? Our secret is out in the open.”

“But it’s not our two whole squad who are aware. Just my brother and two of my knights. And we can trust them to keep the secret until the time is ready. Puli knows better than anyone how I feel about the whole situation, Églantine will always help me against my unwanted suitors, especially coming from her family and Luck is just happy about us, of course he’ll keep the secret.”

“He still tried to beat me up every time, especially when I’m close to you.”

“He’s just protective of me, that’s all. I think that’s what brothers do usually.”

“What a pain in the ass. I actually have question.”

“Go ahead.”

“Is Corkscrew-“

“Cork- Yami, please, her name is Églantine!”

“- related to Reggie or something? The one who bothered us at that restaurant weeks ago.”

“Actually, yes. I think it’s her great-uncle or something like that. House Évantail have one of the most complicated family tree in the whole kingdom. But don’t worry, Églantine is one of the rare nice Évantails out there.”

“Is she also the one with the bastard sister she wishes to know better?”

“Yes, that’s her.”

“Okay, then. Well, she’s a nice gurl in that case.”

They went silent again. Not awkwardly, it was like the comfortable silence of their bubble was coming back.

Yami was honestly relieved about that. But if he could fill the silence with moans and groans and cries of pleasure again, it would be even better.

“Shall he have breakfast?”

“Later, Prickly Queen. For now, I’m hungry for something else…”

He didn’t wait for her answer as he rolled over her, already getting rid of his pants and her bathrobe.

Charlotte wasn’t even surprised by his actions, on the contrary, she seemed quite appealed. Damn, how much could he love this woman?

Yami pulled her in a very deep and passionate kiss, barely noticing how he entered her again, making love for her already for the fourth time.

♣♣♣

“Are you sure he’s not dying or something? Or at least sick?” one of his junior knights, Aurelius Or, asked quietly, sounding almost like panicking.

“Trust me, kiddo, he it was that, he won’t be there working in the first place,” Julia Ambrosia, the oldest Silver Eagle in his squad, replied, sounding really amused by the whole situation.

“He’s not working right now, Granny. Captain Nozel seems more like… dreamy, somehow,” Alysanne Dragonstone replied.

“Yes, but that’s Nozel Silva, captain of the Silver Eagles and Head of house Silva we’re talking about, he was never dreamy before, so why now.” This panicking voice belonged to Nils Ragus.

“Well, there can be a start for everything, even for captain Nozel,” Curtis Warren said, although he sounded quite unsure about his own statement.

“So, there is something wrong with him?” Aurelius asked again, almost panicking even more.

“I wouldn’t say something is wrong with him, but something is definitely happening to him lately,” Simon Vivaldi said.

“Not even lately, I think something changed within him since he came back from Spade.”

“Alysanne is right,” Rob Vitesse replied, sounding as if he just joined the group. “There was a change with him since the return from Spade, but it was only more obvious since two months and especially since a few days.”

“Good observation, young man.”

“I’m not that young anymore, Granny.”

Julia had a cackling laugh. “Compared to my old age, you’re all young. But let this old and weak lady knight tell you this still.”

“Old and weak?” six voices asked quietly, knowing better than to argue with Julia Ambrosia.

“Well, you hatchlings, I can’t be entirely sure. But from my long experience as a knight and in gossip as well as in observation, I firmly believe that captain Nozel is in love.”

Silence.

“In love?”

“No need to look so shocked, you hatchlings, it happens even to the best of us. And if captain Nozel comes even halfway after his late mother on that matter, he is even deeply in love. Come on, you can trust the frail old lady I am.”

“Well, it would definitely explain his attitude lately,” Alysanne said thoughtfully. “It’s just… You have to admit that it’s difficult to imagine captain Nozel of all people being in love.”

“Especially since he’s so stuck on his duty, more than anyone else I know,” Nils added.

“You know, silver hatchlings, even the most disciplinary people like captain Nozel can be fed up at some point. And trust me, given how most nobles and royals treat him behind closed doors, even some of our good for nothing squadmates, he has every excuse to finally screw them.”

The other six only nodded at Julia’s little speech. Aurelius, Alysanne, Nils, Simon, Rob, Curtis and Julia were all nobles, but each of them belonged into the rare category of Being A Knight Before A Noble and who also didn’t appreciated the common attitude of nobility in general.

“But who would captain Nozel be in love with?” Aurelius asked naively. “Do you think it could be captain Dorothy Unsworth? She is always so familiar with him.”

Alysanne immediately shook her head. “The captain of the Coral Peacocks is always familiar with practically everyone. And according to my friend Gisela who is a Coral Peacock, captain Dorothy might be interested in the love stories of others, but not into having a love life herself.”

“Oh, then what about captain Fuegoleon Vermillion?”

This made Simon laugh. “Goodness, Aurelius, you’re really green still. Don’t you know that captain Fuegoleon is courting and maybe even properly dating a member from his own squad, Lital Lys? It’s practically an open secret at this point.”

“Not to mention that captain Nozel knows this two colleagues very well for long years already,” Julia added. “If he was in love with one of them, he would have that kind of dreamy attitude LONG before the raid in Spade. No, it’s most certainly someone he met afterwards or at least getting to know better.”

“But who could captain Nozel be in love with?” Nils asked quietly.

“That is a good question, he is not of the most easy people to read,” Curtis said with a shrug.

“Not to mention that he’s like vice-captain Agatha when it comes to his private life,” Alysanne added. “A closed book with three locks and four other locks for each one of them, just to be safe. We should think twice or even trice before considering investigating about his secret lover.”

“Ah, but doesn’t stop us for at least speculating, silver hatchling,” Julia cackled.

Nozel could hear them very well while he was more or less discussing some reports with his vice-captain. In fact, she did most of the talking and while he was well aware on every word that came out of her mouth, Nozel couldn’t help but let his thoughts wander away.

Those last two days – or was it three, he couldn’t tell – he spent with Vanessa had been the sweetest and happiest he ever knew since the death of his mother. In fact, he had been in such a dreamy state that real life felt at best like a harsh slap in the face.

First, the investigations about the thievery acts in the Common Realm all ended to be dead ends and he knew that even the Wizard King was starting to be fed up with this affair. But honestly, Nozel could live with that.

Then his most wannabe knights, also known as those who never got the job done, leaving their squadmates to overwork themselves, were making a fuss. Lucinda Sandler already asked six times in the row of two days for a maternal leave, despite not being pregnant. Nebra made her a visit last week and confirmed what every Silver Eagle already suspected. Linus Gem had the audacity to demand a raise of his salary, despite never coming to the Headquarters when it wasn’t pay day. Samuel Évantail became more and more a pain to the whole squad by refusing orders at best and attacking his squadmates in rage over stars he never got and deserved at worst.

And that was just three knights, but Lucinda, Linus and Samuel were pretty good examples of every Silver Eagle who were just knights by title and not by work.

But this was also something Nozel could deal with.

No, the most difficult task he got today sadly had nothing to do with the Silver Eagles. It has to do with his so-called duty of an arranged marriage.

As if the urge of nobles to marry off into royalty and to marry off in general wasn’t already such a pain since the war with Spade was over. But these last few days, many nobles houses, be it from high, medium or low nobility, seemed to have the very specific goal to marry some of their members into house Silva. And for some reason, he became their principal target.

Nozel wasn’t stupid. It was more than probable that his father was behind this. To make him yield or to make his life miserable or maybe even to just mock him, he didn’t know. It didn’t matter anyway. Lac Silva always got what he wanted in the past and he always knew exactly what to do and who to use, to manipulate to obtain what he wanted. Nozel didn’t know what his father said to the nobles to make them believe he was the most eligible candidate to marry right now. His ways were diverse and Nozel didn’t believe he wanted to know them.

He hated it, he hated so much. It reminded him of all those years he denied himself any kind of happiness, just thinking about following his duty so that his siblings would be free. Now looking back at those time, Nozel find himself so pathetic. Being with Vanessa gave him a sweet happiness he was now clinging on.

Being away from her, like in this moment, wasn’t doing him so much good. When Vanessa was with him, in his arms, it was so easy for Nozel to forget their rather complicated situation, their different status and worse, how most people of this society of prejudice would view their relationship. Love wasn’t important in their eyes, it has nothing to do with marriage, it was an inconvenience when potential alliances between noble or royal families were considered.

And Lac Silva was practically the embodiment of this mantra.

Nozel knew more than anyone how his world was. He was swimming or more like trying to not drown in this sea since his mother died and all he saw for years were horizons with nowhere to land.

Until Vanessa…

When she wasn’t with him, Nozel wondered sometimes if there was a future for both of them, for their relationship. He knew how royalty was like a golden cage and he refused to put her in any cage. There was something about her, about how free she was, that just make it not right to put her in a cage, literally or not. Nozel couldn’t do that to Vanessa, he loved her so deeply.

When she wasn’t with him, Nozel wondered if Vanessa would be better off and happier without him…

But he refused to give in to those doubts. He always done that for years and where did it brought him? It might be selfish, but he refused to give up on her, at least not without a fight. Giving up on Vanessa… and Nozel was certain it would kill him one way or another.

He wanted to be with her so much right now. Everything seemed so simpler in her presence, it was so easier to forget their situation, to not overthink and to not worry. He couldn’t stop doing this alone yet, he still needed her.

Nozel sighed silently. Was this what Fuegoleon felt when he was with Lital Lys? Was it what his poor mother to have with his father?

He was tired. It had been a while since he overworked himself like that, even forgetting to have dinner. For a long time, this had been always how he followed his duty, as a captain and as a royal Head of House. But then Vanessa came into his life and now, Nozel found this kind working day really despicable.

If only nobles would be more cooperative, knights or no knights.

“I think this is all for today, captain Nozel,” Agatha said, getting him out of his thoughts.

Nozel just looked at her, her eyes in the colour of old parchment and her ink blue hair as always hold together in two low braids. Agatha Austen had become a Silver Eagle around the same time as himself and was now his vice-captain for as long as he was captain himself. There weren’t many people he could really trust but thankfully, Agatha was one of them.

Nozel sometimes wondered if he should tell Agatha about Vanessa. His vice-captain was someone quiet and very understanding. But at the same time, she was also as private as him and his relationship with Vanessa was still very young, so Nozel didn’t know if he should tell Agatha already.

But if he wanted a future with Vanessa, no matter how still blurry and unsure it was right now, he would need allies. And this was a subject that was still unknown land for him. Having people willing to help him of all people. Was that even possible?

“Um, captain?”

Agatha was looking at him, frowning. Oh. Of course. She was still waiting for an answer from him.

“Thank you, Agatha. This will be enough for today. Will send this reports to the Wizard King first thing the next morning. You can go home now, it’s rather late.”

“Good night, captain.”

Very late indeed. He was exhausted. Nozel had decided to sleep at the Headquarters for this night. That hadn’t happened since very long. Would he still be able to properly spend time with Vanessa tonight? He had written her, to tell her he was drowning in work and that he might won’t be able to come back to the palace.

But all Vanessa did was calling him – thank goodness at a time when he was alone in his office – ask him were his usual room was at the Silver Eagles base and telling him she would be waiting for him.

It was a bit of a risk, meeting at the Silver Eagle’s base, given that some of his knights were either on night shift or had their chambers here.

But Nozel didn’t care. The perspective of seeing Vanessa was the first wonderful thing to look forward to this day.

Agatha left, but Nozel stood where he was, looking out of the window. But he didn’t see the already dark sky, the last lingering small lights of the sun, the first stars, the whole landscape.

All he saw was Vanessa…

He closed his eyes, smiling at all those memories with her. How she talked with him about everything that could came to their mind. Her naked body under him or on top of him. Her gorgeous smile, her hugs, all those kisses they shared…

A soft, happy smile escaped his lips.

“Oh, shoot!”

Nozel turned around, realizing he wasn’t alone, as the seven Eagles were still there. Aurelius, Alysanne, Rob, Curtis, Simon and Nils all froze when he lied his eyes on them. Julia wasn’t frozen, she was way too old to be intimidated by him, but she still looked at him as if he cut his braid or something.

Did his cold mask work so little lately? Probably, otherwise they wouldn’t be gossiping about him and his so secret love life.

And for the first time in life, not only did Nozel Silva not care at all about his own knights gossiping about him, he was even rather amused by it.

Vanessa must have bewitched him by how wonderful she was, he saw no other reason for that.

What would mother say if she saw him like that?

“Does anyone of you have to take night shift today?”

The words fell of his mouth before he could even think about them. A question any normal Magic Knight captain would ask almost automatically.

And still, his voice seemed so much softer than usual when he asked this question.

“No, captain.”

“Good. You can go home now or back to your chambers in this base. Good night.”

His voice was still soft. And the eyes of his knights were still frozen and shocked.

Nozel passed them by and couldn’t help but put a hand on Aurelius’ head. He heard the gasps and still, he smiled. Now it was already enough to think just of Vanessa to be at ease again, not worrying anymore.

She made a better person out of him. Did she even realized that?

He went away, walking through the halls he had known for years since he became a Silver Eagle. He reached the night quarters pretty soon.

But Nozels own room was a bit apart from the rest of the chambers. Of course it was. He had free choices of rooms when he joined the squad and the grieving, chained boy he was back then had to choose a chamber that was not only away from the rest, making him even more lonely, but also the same chamber his mother had when she was a knight and later captain of the Silver Eagles.

Different from his room back in the Silva palace, smaller but more cosy, green tapestries with simple gold yellow embroidery, an atmosphere as like his mother never really died…

This was his room when he slept at the Silver Eagles base. He never shared it with anyone. Not even his siblings, it was just too painful. But today, he wasn’t alone in this room that keep his guilt and loss alive, despite all the cosiness.

He wasn’t alone.

“Hey there, handsome eagle. You took your time, I was so lonely while waiting,” Vanessa greeted him as he entered the bedroom.

She smiled brightly while she put something on the table. Nozels eyes widened as he recognized the smell of roasted duck.

“You…”

“Yep, I brought you something to eat. Knowing you, you certainly haven’t eaten yet. Come on, jumping a meal because of too much work is never a good idea. I asked Charmy to prepare your favourite meal, I think you deserve it.”

“I… thank you.”

“You’re welcome, stud. Now, come eat.”

He knew that tone. When Vanessa used it, there was no option to decline, he learned that pretty quickly. According to her, some of her squadmates still haven’t got the lesson and that made him laugh.

So, Nozel sat down and started eating his roasted duck, while Vanessa stood behind him, making sure that he was eating and hugging him at the same time.

It was strange, somehow. Everything right now seemed so domestic, so calm and serene. Was this normal for a relationship, especially still a young one?

Nozel never asked himself how domestic life would feel like. Such a bliss was not required when nobles and royals married, only the alliances mattered. He remembered how his mother tried to have some domestic bliss with his father, only to have that hope shattered every time until she gave up.

If this was how domestic bliss should felt like, then he definitely wouldn’t mind having it.

Nozel was finishing the dessert Vanessa brought as well, a slice of orange cheesecake, while she took a proper look at the chambers.

“This is a very cosy room. And a very unusual style for you, I have to say.”

“It was already like this when I took it. It belonged to my mother.”

“Oh, I see.”

Her voice was always so soft, so full of compassion when they talked about Acier Silva. Sometimes, Vanessa asked questions about his mother out of curiosity and the more he told stories, the more his pain seemed to soothe.

Maybe he needed that from the start.

Nozel remembered that Vanessa mentioned she never had a nice bond with her own mother and still, she was never envious when they talked about his memories of Acier. Was it possible to be this kindhearted?

Vanessa took a framed picture in her hands and Nozel blushed as he realized which one it was.

“Oh my gosh, Nozel, is that you? Aw, you were such a cute little boy, look at those chubby cheeks. And you already had such a serious look, so adorable.”

Since when where serious glances adorable?

Nozel finished his cheesecake and walked up to her, hugging her from behind. A hint of sad nostalgia pierced his heart as he looked at the small painting. His mother smiled, not much older than twenty, while a two or three year Nozel was in her arms.

“Your mother was really a beautiful woman.”

“She was. Noelle got really lucky to get most of her looks from her.”

“Don’t be so harsh on yourself, you’re one of the most handsome people in the kingdom. And you got a few looks from your mother as well.”

“Oh, really?”

“First off, you got her eye colour, I love that metallic shade of purple, it’s so unique. And the smile. Noelle has a very different smile than this, but when you’re happy, you smile just like this as well.”

Nozel scoffed, but her words touched him very much. He couldn’t recall that anyone ever pointed out the similarities he had with his mother. Being the only one of his siblings who was perfect mix of his parents, he never got that.

But Vanessa was doing it. Because she seemed to see all the smaller details most people would ignore.

He hugged her more tightly, diving his face in her rosewood curls. The scent of rosewater filled his nose.

Was it too much to ask to have this in his life, in his still blurry future? Was it bad to wish to do the most simple things with her, like…

“Can I brush your hair?”

“Oh my, handsome eagle, I know no one else who has such simple wishes. Well, except maybe Gordon and Finral in a way.”

They both sat down on the canopy bed, Nozel took his brush and started to entangle her beautiful curls. It was such a soothing task to do. He vaguely remembered doing this to Nebra once when she was four or five years old and his sister had seemed to hate it, preferring to have mother brush her hair.

But Vanessa seemed to love what he was doing.

When he was finished, Vanessa turned around, smiling so softly at him that Nozel forgot everything around him for a second.

“Alright, now it’s my turn, captain eagle.”

She started to undo his braid. A habit she took just yesterday, but she seemed to love to undo his braid and then later, braiding his bangs again. Nozel let her do it and even came to enjoy each time she touched his hair, no matter if it was to play with it or to try something.

Vanessa took her time to brush his hair, she clearly enjoyed gliding her fingers through it, along the brush. But when she finished, she dived both her hands fully in his thick hair and started to give him a scalp massage.

Nozel didn’t except this gesture and at first, he had no idea how to feel about it. But it was so relaxing he stopped caring about it very soon.

“Just enjoy it, honey. I know you had a hard day today and you deserve to finally relax for this evening.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

By the heavens above, he loved this woman even more each day. Was this even possible? Well, for him it certainly was and he just wished he could find a way to properly show it to her, as she deserved it.

“I want this for the rest of my life.”

He hadn’t meant to tell those words aloud, but his mouth rebelled, like always when Vanessa was with him, actually.

“Me too, Nozel. Me too.”

They both stared at each other, full of emotion but also full of understanding. Vanessa wasn’t stupid, she was also pretty much aware of the situation they were in and even though she had a carefree attitude, she understood more than most people would probably gave her credit for. And yet, they loved each other.

Nozel sighed as he pulled her into a deep kiss. He didn’t want to keep his relationship with Vanessa secret. When he was with her, he wanted to show her to the world, to show everyone what a wonderful woman she was and how lucky he felt to love her so deeply.

For now, it wasn’t possible. But despite all his worries when she wasn’t with him and the burden he still carried with him, Nozel found herself more and more determined to fight for her. The future was blurry and he didn’t know yet what Vanessa wanted for later in her life. But she always told him to stop worrying from time to time and enjoy the presence more often and right now, it seemed like the best thing to do.

Their kiss deepened, became hotter and both of them knew what would come.

It didn’t took too long until they got rid of their clothes. Like every time, they lost every sense of time and place, only knowing each other, only loving each other.

As their bodies were completely intertwined in their lovemaking and Nozel kissed Vanessa again with all the passion he could manage, one certitude became clear to his mind.

He was too far gone already, as he knew he would not hesitate to give up his royal status to be with Vanessa.

For once since long, Nozel felt completely free.

#Black Clover #Black Clover Fanfiction #Silver Cats & Black Roses #My Writing ☘️♣️#Fluffmay #Yami Sukehiro #Yami x Charlotte #Yamichar #Nozel Silva #Vanessa Enoteca #Nozel x Vanessa #Nozessa #Black Clover OC #My Black Clover OC ☘️#Luck Voltia #Puli Angel #Églantine Évantail #Silver Eagles #Some of the Silver Eagles in this chapter are my secondary OCs

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