#just...ugh...goes hard
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When quiet storms came
Rattled the window panes
Couldn't keep a thing the same way
When the storm blew in
#legend of zalda au#legend of zelda oc#legend of zelda#original character#my art#ganondorf#loz ganondorf#OC ESTRIN#lyrics are from Hudsonville MI 1956 by La Dispute#its such a good song#this specific bit is my fave#just...ugh...goes hard#anyway#this is a scene from my LoZ fic!#in it...Estrin has a flashback and leaves#and its one of my fave scenes#please read it if you want to!
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Sometimes at work it's not my place to tell people the things I want to say, and I find I often go home at the end of the rougher days to stand blankly in my shower and tell myself over and over what I wish I could pass on.
This accomplishes very little, and mostly just gives me a tension headache, but through it all I think I've narrowed myself down to a few solid things I'd like to tell people the most.
You can't change people. Not permanently, not for anythig. You can support them, encourage them, love them, give them tools and opportunities and resources, but you can't make them change. They can change themselves if they want to, but they have to want to, and they have to want it for themselves, because they're the only one that's certain to be with them forever.
For better or worse, you make your own choices, and blaming bad choices on others doesn't only work to absolve you of responsibility- it also robs you of control. Because if you say you only did something because I did something, then you arent only shifting blame- you're admitting that you cannot control yourself, that you cannot truly make choices for yourself, that other people can control you- and as long as you truly beleive that, you'll keep facing the same problems over and over. You'll keep letting others dictate your choices, because you'll beleive that they can, and you'll never be free.
White knights on horseback are from fairytales. Nobody can help you if ou're not willing to help yourself. To try, to put the dirty work in, to belive you're worth that effort- Act as though nobody is coming to save you. From a struggle, from pain, from bad relationships, from yourself. And when you do save yourself, because you will, because failure here isn't an option if you want to survive, you'll never find another dragon that can keep you prisoner.
Don't say anything to anyone that you wouldn't want them remembering forever.
Doing the right thing in bad circumstances is hard. It's the hardest thing. But if you make the choice to do that hard thing anyways, despite your fear, you'll go on the rest of your like knowing that you're the sort of person who did something.
The present only seems the hardest because the past I over and the future hasn't happened.
There's so much joy ahead of you, the kind you can't possibly understand until you see it yourself.
The responsibility of consequences is often disguised as the power of permission. "I won't do this if you help me", "I'll work on my anger if you do this for me", "I promised you I'd quit, but can I have just one?". The unspoken question is, "Can it be your fault if this goes badly?"
You cant make someone love you the way you need to be loved. Someone can love you very much and still be bad for you, even if you love them very much in return. Two people can love each other very, very much, and try their very best, and still be wrong for each other.
Sometimes being near to someone changes you, even in good ways, and the people you become don't fit together as well as the people you were.
Caring takes work. Even if it's real. Especially if it's real. And the most important gestures aren't the grand, poetic, songs-and-flowers-and-tears moments; they're getting out of bed even though you don't want to. Paying attention to things you don't enjoy. Scrubbing pans, or opening a window, saying "thank-you", or helping carry groceries into the house. The small things fill the big things- without the small, boring, mediocre things, big things feel hollow.
Thrre is honour and dignity in humble work.
If you are a cruel and spiteful person, then you will find every place you visit to be full of the same cruel, spiteful people. This is not because the world is as cruel as you, but because everywhere you are, you will be disliked. This is the curse that comes with being persistently cruel and spiteful.
If you are a kind and ppsitive person, you will repeatedly encounter kind and positive people, because as they grow familiar with you, they will be happier to have you near. This is the reward of being a kind and positive person.
When splitting paths with loved ones, briefly or forever, aim for your last words to always be "I love you".
#I'm still so young and ignorant#but I wish someone had told ME these things before I had to learn them#And now when shit goes south and everything is over and calm again the same things just roll though my head#Over and over and over#It's like everyone I meet has the same 3 problems and its ruining their lives#I just want to take everyone I meet by the shoulders and shake them#I KNOW why this is happening to you#Do you realize you can be better?#Do you realize you can do it?#Aren't you terrified of wasting your life like this?#*I* want to be happier#*I* used to be so much worse than I am#And I don't have it all figured out#But if we all decide to help ourselves then it'll be that much easier to help each other#Right?#It's so hard to lift dead weight#You need to kick against the waves with me#You need to WANT to float#Do you understand#Ugh it's 6am#This has been your overdramatic midnight ramble#Imma grill me a cheese and go back to bed#Blaurfhgh
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hi i have literally zero art to post rn but here's my favorite shot of the main character from my thesis graphic novel so far
#she is trying very very very hard. i am also trying very hard because i dont want to draw all this fucking exposition#just let me get to the lesbianism and the fight scenes PLEASEEEEEE UGH#anyway. 4/5 pages for this week complete. slay#art school is very much art schooling. the fact that i went to a metal concert last night#and danced so hard and screamed so loud that my entire body hurts is also definitely not helping. anyway#i promise i'll have art for you soon. you know how it goes. no art in september because im preparing my linktober backlog
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I truly believe Will Wood is an incredible musician and songwriter and is one of the top lyricists in the last decade both in and outside of the genres that he chooses to play in with absolutely zero irony. I also believe that you can only fully understand that if you’ve either had a pet die before listening to his music or you have a history of drug abuse and mental health crises. Or you’re trans.
#this may sound like a snooty post where I’m just upholding my own favorite music as the best#but honestly it’s in response to a lot of fans I’ve seen be really self critical?#like yeah haha I listen to bad music#and I also have been known to joke about my own weird taste#but here’s the thing! from a technical level! his music! goes hard! it is experimental and that is GOOD#and lyrically listen I listen to a lot of music#I’m even familiar with top forty stuff and while yes the content of his songs is very niche#the lyricism is so genuinely clever and playful and ugh god#ok anyway. sorry#listened to Will wood again#and also this post is about the fact that I first I didn’t get it.#and then I went to a really low point. and suddenly I got it#ok it cracked me open like a fucking egg#music#text#personal#kinda
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is now a good time to post my succession-style intro for phantom of the opera
#(w/ sound!)#SUCCESSION GOLDEN GLOBES SWEEP#made this months ago and was reminded to dig it out of the drafts bc ugh the show just goes so hard#phantom of the opera#poto#poto shitpost#succession#need to rewatch and also think about a phantom succession au . expeditiously#golden globes#video edit
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!!! FLASHING LIGHTS WARNING!!! [IM NOT FUCKIN AROUND!!]
REACHED THE CUSP OF 'THIS MAY NEVER BE ABSOLUTELY FINISHED N IF I DONT SHOW IT NOW, IT WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY.' SO HERE, A PROJECT IVE BEEN ORBITING AROUND UHH SINCE 2021 OR SO.
#jrwi fanart#THE SQUIRMING IMAGE#jrwi riptide#gillion tidestrider#cw flashing lights#LOOORRD OF LIGHTNING SAAAAVE ME!!!!#RAAAHHHH I LOVETHIS SONG SO FUCKIN MUCH AND I LOVE GILLION SO FUCKIN MUCH RAAHHHH!! RAAHHHH!!!#BUT YES YES I HAD LIKE A WHOLE OTHER HALF TO THIS SKETCHED OUT BUT IT WONT FINISH COOKIN FOR A MILLION YEAARS!!!!#MAYBE SOMEDAY.....#ANYWAY. this is my first time actually syncing audio to my animations. normally i domnt know howww.#i animated it all in fire alpaca AND THEN i mixed everything in a pirated movie maker. it kinda uh. sucks. but its WHAT I GOT BAYBE!!#i relaly like how i animate swishy hair... i was inspird by eris from sinbad. i can only HOPE i got on that level w the watery flowyness#LIUGHTNING IS HARD TO ANIMATE TOO. I WATCHED ALOTTA VIDEOS ABSORBED MINIMAL TUTORIALS AND UHH I THINK I DID OKAY!!#better than bad!!! but i can still do better. eventually. ugh. FLASHING LIGHTS TOO HUH? U LIKE ANIMATINGB FLASHING LIGHT?#U LIKE MAKING THE BLACK N WHITE FLICKER RLY FAST UNTIL UR EYES BLEED OUT UR SKULL?? YEAAAHH YOU DO!!!#im also vry proud o the title cards i made at the beginning teheheheh. dependign on where riptide goes i MIGHT change it#BUT HEY THEORY TIME? I HOPE ONE OF THE GODDESSES COMES DOWN TO PILOT GILLIONS BODY SO THEY CAN BEAT THE FUCK OUT O THE OTHER GODDESS#WHO IS ALSO IN SOMEONE ELSES MORTAL BODY. GODS COMING DOWN TO WREAK HAVOC OVER PETTY DISAGREEMENTS OOOGH HOW FUN!!#GOOD ON YOU CHAMPION!! YOUR VESSEL HAS BEEN TRAINED TO BE STRONG AND HARDY. PERFECT FOR CHANNELING DIVINE ENERGY.#OHHHH WHAT A PERFECT WEAPON YOU ARE. NOW GO AND IMMANENTIZE A WATERY ESCHATON#PARAGON OF OCEANS WRATH I WANT TO SEE YOU DROWN THE LAND. DESTROY!!! EAT!!! BURN!!! RAAAGHH I NEED GILLION TO GET MORE POWER!!!!#ALSO in other news i uh. actually posted this onto twitter forever ago but forgot to post it here bc i can only post it from pc and BABY!!#IM NOT ON THE COMPUTER OFTEN! NOT ANYMORE!! NOT ANYMOREE!!! IM FREE BAYBE!! i used to be so miserable. sometimes i think abt that.#ANYWAY. pls enjoy. just this much took so long. i love makin the lil guys move.... ouh.... hava good day if u get the chance to.
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Hey!
I'm new to the “Dick Grayson is Peter Parker's dad” trope, and I found your fic Welcome to the Circus. I'm enjoying it so much! I can't wait to read more! I guess I don’t really have a suggestion or question (yet), but I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading your fic, eheheheh. I’ll be waiting for new chapters (as long as needed! I don't mean to pressure you).
I can't wait to see Dick (and the rest of the Batfam) interact with Peter. I was wondering, since according to the tags, Dick is dating Wally—does this mean he's Peter's stepdad?! XD
Byeee
Hey hey hey!! Welcome to the rabbit hole that is Spider-man in Gotham!
I am super flattered and glad you're enjoying my fic omg?? I'm admittedly a slow writer, on top of school, but I try to make up for the time with big chapters. A new chapter is coming! Don't worry about the pressure, either, it helps motivate me!
Expect an equal amount of fluff to pair with the angst when Peter finally meets the bats! I'm putting the family in found <3
Also yes! Wally is gonna (technically) be Peter's step dad lol. ErinWantsToWrite is the one the really inspired that. Actually, the whole flash family kinda gets involved in much later chapters. I put a lot of hints in the tags for anyone looking lol
Thank you for the ask :)
#peter in gotham goes brrrr#slow burn hurts bc i just wanna write the fluff#but the fluff wont make any sense or hit as hard with the angst#guys dick is gonna be a dad SO hard#hes dad shaped#and Peter is so parentable#so son shaped#bruce would agree tbh#and tony too#UGH#gonna go write now instead of doing bio work#peter parker in gotham#spiderman in gotham#dick grayson#peter parker#wally west#spiderman#batman#batfam#dc#marvel#fanfic#ao3 author#ao3 fanfic#my fanfic stuff#welcome to the circus#welcome to the circus ao3
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leona and jamil’s interactions in 6-67 and their growth
book 6 threw me in for a wringer with leona and jamil’s relationship, and it's funny because i never realized how similar they are until leona was pointing out all of jamil's negative thoughts about himself, as if he knew these thoughts like the back of his hand. tell me i'm not the only one seeing parallels between them:
jamil as a kid was told he was never going to be equal to kalim, because he's supposed to be kalim's servant; having to concede to him at every turn in private and in public.
leona as a kid hearing whispers about how he was so different from the bright falena, and how he wouldn't ever get the throne; all his achievements a mere shadow to anything falena did.
jamil who tried to create an elaborate scheme to pit everyone against kalim, and to subtly kick kalim from his "throne", only for it all to backfire, and for him to be so scorned by having everyone find out that he overblotted.
leona who created a plot in order to secretly reduce competition in the magift tournaments, and tried to severely injure malleus draconia to keep him from playing, only for his plot to be revealed, and for him to give up on trying, thus leading to his overblot.
and then when you think about it, leona probably sees the younger version himself in jamil. jamil’s lust for power is something that leona’s been through more than once, and he knows how being arrogant can lead someone down a bad path.
the rut that he was stuck in was the fact that he thought he was more suitable than falena. but was leona right for the throne ? or did he just want the throne to prove all the people who slighted him wrong ? and again, with magift, he knew that he didn't have the magic power to beat malleus, but he still wanted to win, so bad that he played dirty tricks.
sounds familiar ? it’s basically what jamil did to try and rip the housewarden seat from kalim. jamil thinks himself more suitable and worthy than kalim but is that because he IS more suitable, or is it because he wants to publicly be better than kalim at something for once ?
that’s why leona wants jamil to move on past that. he needs to throw away the arrogance that he’s the 'best', and that 'others just don’t see his brilliance', because…he has a long way to go. leona recognizes his potential. he learned the lesson that jamil is going through the hard way, that’s why he’s trying to help him.
jamil kept insisting that he could protect leona, because he’s convinced that he is more capable at protecting him, relying on his perception of who he thought leona was, rather than acknowledging his prowess. leona knows that he’s more skillful, and he, in the end, succeeds in getting him to accept that.
when jamil can accept that he doesn’t know all that there is, and that he’s at the bottom of the pecking order…that’s exactly when he can start moving up. that’s when he can start working on his skills for the future rather than lamenting the fact that others don’t see his potential.
and that’s exactly the lesson that leona wants him to learn.
okay a cookie for you if you ACTUALLY made it here bc whew this got really long really fast— thank you for reading this far and i hope that you enjoyed my interpretation of book 6’s events ++ leojami’s growth ^^ (also sorry if there’s any spelling/grammar mistakes, i shall fix it later)
#/trau rambles#book 6 spoilers below the cut ^^#them when they're too similar#leona when he sees younger him in jamil#and recognizes jamil making the same mistakes as he did#so he goes out of his way to try making jamil understand that he can still change#rather than letting jamil get stuck in the same rut that he was in#bc he sees potential to grow and change in jamil#leona is giving jamil the lesson that he had to learn the hard way#and i just think that. it's. so. ugh.#and jamil finally getting over his arrogance enough to trust leona#and trust in his capabilities to lead and fight#rather than relying on whatever judgement he made of leona#them settling into an almost amicable relationship at the end….#guys.#ggguuuysss#leona kingscholar#jamil viper#twisted wonderland#twst analysis#twst book 6#twst
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"Found out" set in kind of a made-up chapter where the girls are in trouble, or something.
#witch hat tag#orufrey#i hate having a strong cinematic image in your mind for months..working hours on it..& at the end looking you have to be like “Sure. :/"#i'm especially unsatisfied with the beginning and the end and how i can't get eyebrows to work as i want#but i dont care any more... this is probably the comic that has given me the most trouble ever i just dont care#i barely even care whatsoever if anyone even sees this..Ugh..but at least i can move on to the next era now#i'm just annoyed i cant get out good enough my image of qifrey flinching bc he thinks oru will hit him but then he is not hit#i feel like sensei will do something along these lines. i want to see what she will do.#there are also other variations i have in my mind. i just want to know#i just don't want it to happen with qifrey on his deathbed or something. but it possibly will. I DONT EVEN KNOW.#i have another very cinematic image in my mind for something sort of along those lines which i will do soon. it never ends...#btw after this is probably my fics. yeah.... i think it has to be my fics. jasmine sort of goes along these lines#i need that space for dialogue. look - i'm a writer. this is HARD for me. so i am really glad i had the space and freedom of words#to process all the feelings. but i tried to get something out in a quick visual space too. <- me defending myself to myself at cai court#anyway going along the lines of 'Jasmine' - they talk this out and argue and cry and oru pushes the hat at him and tells him#why not just erase every memory i have of you then. That would be easier for us all wouldn't it?#they kiss and sob and kiss and lie outside in the flowers for many hours in that one. and then there's 'Deep End' where it turns out#way way way way more time and words is needed for this actually and that's upsetting for everyone.#the destruction of the hat is certainly another path to take. Can you make this work without that hat going up in flames?#something you have always had and have been clinging to will have to be destroyed. You have to lose something now. This is the crux qifrey#I CANT GET IT OUT IN ONE COMIC!!! I CANT DRAW IT OUT!!!! I NEEDED THOSE FICS!!!! PRAISE WORDS!!!! whatever im going to have dinner now
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being an undiagnosed autistic but also having undiagnosed adhd that basically makes your memory so shit (short and long term) you only have random one off memories from when you were younger to go off of that could indicate autism so now you feel like a fraud because it feels like everyone else can remember things they did as a child that pointed to autism but you just can’t. I can’t even remember if I consciously masked or not because I feel like I did since only when lockdown hit it seemed like my autism became more noticeable but I also don’t remember ever feeling like I had to be normal unless I was told to 😶 I genuinely would unironically describe myself as “not like other girls”
#audhd#actually audhd#autism#adhder#adhd#autistic#actually autistic#actually adhd#I genuinely don’t know what levels of support I even need because not only do levels feel restrictive to me I also just don’t remember#imposter syndrome goes hard#I want an assement to prove to myself that i’m autistic but at the same time what if I fly under the radar again?#I am confident I have inattentive adhd like you cant tell me other wise but ugh I feel like such an imposter when it comes to autism#But also what else would it be??
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can we just talk about how incredible wandee goodday is with their narrative devices though? the foreshadowing is incredible. there's symbolism everywhere. the oyeicher/yakdee juxtapositions are so good. even though their words and actions might contradict each other, everything gets spelled out for us so clearly, it's beautiful.
#i've rewatched it a few times now and just keep finding new things every time#when dee goes to visit yak in the training camp and yak is trying to think of who he likes more? dee's shirt says favorite.#the crosswalk scenes? yeah.#don't get me started on some references possibly to the last episode i've already noticed#the obvious ones are the LED signs in his apartment and the colours of course#idk i feel like the show is SO obvious about literally everything#everything below is just me rambling about nothing#wandee goodday#i have a hard time grasping how some people seem to not understand why the characters do what they do#but then again it's incredibly easy for me in general to be able to see things from someone else's pov especially if we have this much info#like ugh they both just have so many reasons to be doing what they're doing it's so auuguhdghghg boys i get it but auaughfhg#the frustration i understand#we're supposed to be frustrated and annoyed at the miscommunication because we know#but genuinely being mad at them and not understanding why they do what they do????#anyway i think it's great and well set up thank you
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2024 Singapore GP | x
#hi everyone I'm sorry I vanished for a few days#this weekend has been hard here with irl family things and in my heart in the world of F1#I feel so so so so much for Daniel and I keep riding a roller coaster of anger that RBR let this happen and sorrow if this is it#then I swing back to hope#not just in 2025 (which I still believe in!!)#but that he can find joy and fufillment and love somewhere better#he deserves so much better than the callously cruel weekend from a sport he's given so much of his life to#I'll be a Daniel fan no matter where he goes next#but my trust in RBR is irrevocably shattered as it is for many (not that I had much to begin with!)#but he was thrown to the wolves and I'm just so angry and heartbroken this happened#but then the possible last lap of his potential last race given to Max#thank you Daniel#and I'm hopeful til the end#I hope he gets what he wants but he deserves so much love#and seeing the love from fans and the people in his life who DO care#I'm a newer fan but I have become so fond for Daniel so much and the anticipation is killing me#let him and fans have peace (even if the goal is Checo retiring after the Mexico GP then at least give some closure for the month between)#just a hard weekend#and the FIA absurdity with Max too ugh#and Carlos' crash in quali ahhh just an awful weekend#with that and an overwhelming family weekend I just couldn't bring myself to post anything#but thank you everyone for this space#I need to catch up but I have seen so many folks echo how I feel#it is upsetting and needless and uncerimonious and cruel#I'll be hopeful forever there is a chance#but Daniel deserves to be happy and RBR proved how heartless of a place they can be#I'll savor the silver linings of Max and Daniel's bond and those on the team who lifted him up#I'll be away again for a work event today but I looked around insta a bit last night#I'll post and tag for the GP if anyone wants to not see it!! still hurts but it'll all be okay in time I know it ❤️#autumn posts
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#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying#shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl#in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated#bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not#her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet#so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive#personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd#compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from#happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is#like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil#not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am#barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me#and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them#but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and#thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard#to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds#nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of#brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but#that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer#defying the stats but for how much longer?#i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it#i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else#excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things#unrelated#ed mention#i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama#bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]
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One better (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#Blood#I knew going into this and it was still so distressing :'0#Who needs plot twists when you can create such an intense sense of Dread#Probably doesn't help that I read this At Night In the Dark lol - actual shivers#Gods this was a hard scene to read - there have been several instances of my face hurting from furrowing my brow so hard haha#The way that ''Doctor'' is written is So skillful - I'm so impressed by everyone's prose and quirks and syntax!#Not to mention when he breaks character in a later scene to apologize for taking a bit to move the scene along haha <3 Play!!#It really does speak to just how much skill and effort is put into everything <3 It's so well done all the way around!!#Anyway to the actual scene at hand lol ow :') Drawing blood is always fun but I wish it wasn't his ;u;#Ugh the way he takes the surgeries is so well written - fear of course but a kind of stoic suffering as much as he's able to -#Until it comes to his eye#Ugh the /break/ of it all he goes from so eloquent - almost snarky and silly! Still trying to find an out make peace do /something/#It all goes completely out the window he's so /reduced/ and nothing hurts worse than that ughughugh#For all his intelligence and wit and prior successes and charm and just - everything that makes him /him/ to be dissolved into abject fear#It's so sad ;; And so well done <3#And he still holds enough of himself to know what he'd be losing wegh it's so sad!! He's so defined by his vision as most VUX are it's fjdsl#Zelnick is already gone by this point but I wanted to throw him in for extra sad flavour :')#Plus - I've mentioned his post-Op was one of the ones from the gallery that Actively kills me every time I look at it#Can you imagine my heartbreak to find out that he didn't have his Captain to comfort him after this in actuality? That he was fully alone?#''Are we home? Is it over?'' ''N...not yet'' - The Absolute Devastation of realizing that Never Was not really#Just tear my heart out why don't you ugh I'm fully bleeding out 💔#That last one is actually meant to be Max but it's open to interpretation :)#I think it's such a waste that his eye was just disposed of! Someone else could've used that (lol)#I do think there's something to the idea of seeing what used to be a part of your body elsewhere - like the Leftovers!#Even just keeping as a memento tho - a trophy - insult to injury but literally#Just points to no one being special and nothing being sacred I suppose
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i was talking to my therapist last week about how i'm kinda excited but also equally apprehensive about starting grad school this fall because yes, i so so desperately needed a gap year otherwise i think i literally would have killed myself and/or had a breakdown big enough to land me in the hospital, and even beyond that i just needed to figure out a more concrete plan of what i'm going to do with my life in general -- while all of that is true, and i'm glad i took the gap year for it, i'm also apprehensive because i genuinely feel like an entirely different person than i was even at this exact point in time last year, nevermind anything earlier than that. it's only been a single year of me being out of school but my life has changed so dramatically, mostly for the better, and my whole personality has flipped on its head, it's just going to be so fucking weird going back to the same school, the same campus, potentially seeing my old friends around. augh
#sorry i was trying to find a post in my music tag in my archive and i scrolled so far back i got all the way to april 2023#where i referenced sitting in a dining hall#and its like. DINING HALL ?!?!?!#im going to be sitting in the fucking dining hall again in just like four months. UGH#brot posts#it's almost similar to the separation between high school and college. where i feel like hs me was completely different than college me#and now only a mere year later i feel like. post-undergrad me is completely different than undergrad me#although now that separation is exacerbated by how short a time it was and just HOW drastic a change it was#like . a bitch goes on antidepressants suddenly theyre a whole new person.#like im lowkey excited to see my old classmates and friends again#but i also am dreading it bc like hi. hey. i have the same name and face as the person you knew but i'm someone else now. sorry#and also just the persistent fear that i'm going to regress or at least even just /feel/ like im regressing#just by being back in that environment again?#even if i'll be on meds this time and actually going to therapy and overall having so much more support than i did in the past#so as nostalgic as i am to be on campus again it's also like. hard to separate the present from the past#like despite it all. this bathroom was still the very same place i went to have a mental breakdown weekly#this bench outdoors was the place i sat by myself to eat lunch in the blistering cold bc i couldnt eat indoors during covid 2020-2021#this bench indoors was where my friends had an intervention with me and forced me to call the on-campus mental health services#just . idk. feeling a strange mix of nostalgia and also being haunted by bad memories#oh the woes of going to grad school at the same place you got your undergrad. While mentally ill#but alas i need to save money by commuting and having instate tuition
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accidentally took a fairly objective step away from myself today and went. oh shit. i’m like REALLY hard on myself aren’t i?
#i’m so hard on myself that it’s maybe single handledly causing at least 80% of my problems#and the crowd goes…. well yeah no shit#and like i knew/know that im hard on myself#but it’s just like. honestly am so convinced i deserve it that most of the time i don’t even think im being hard enough on myself#but then i’ll finally vocalize one of my thoughts out loud in front of someone and they’re like dude What the fuck are u good??#and i’m left sitting there like 🫥#i literally got a grade back on a final today that was not only higher than i expected#but it meant that i passed a class id convinced myself i was gonna fail#and the first and only real thing i could feel was so much guilt bc i didn’t think i deserve that grade#(still don’t but eh)#but it’s like bro you passed a class unexpectedly#got proof that your prof clearly doesn’t think you’re doing as bad as you are#or at least has empathy for the fact that it’s clearly been a bad semester#and now you also get to take that worry off the list and STILL#my brain finds a way to ensure i can still only feel bad about it#it’s like i feel like i deserve bad things so much that ill find any way to twist things around to make me feel bad#i really go ‘is nobody gonna torture the living hell out of this white boy?’ and then DONT wait for an answer#ugh anyway#i need to go to therapy#silas speaks#anyway my tip for the day is maybe try being nicer to yourself and giving yourself more grace and understanding#at the very least try to be more aware of how mean your thoughts get bc sometimes u get so so used to it u don’t realize ur doing it#or how bad it’s getting#mental health#mental illness#self hate
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