#just truly im too old for this shit anymore

[tshifty]

well

[scalpelsister]

what if i lost the will to live like. as a joke. what then.

[6mayhem]

but i would give anything for just one day spent in the life i had when i was 15. it may not have been perfect but i felt like i belonged somewhere. and i didn't worry so goddamn much about the big picture

[luvrgreyy]

WHAT GOOD IS SORRY?

ex husband!leon x f!reader

word count: 3.3k summary: why does one wound those they love so deeply? masterlist | taglist | ko-fi

18+ MDNI. mentions of divorce, cheating/infidelity, awkward leon stuff, guilt, yearning, leon and reader have a child together — and i named her denise for whatever reason, getting stood up by a date, drunk texting, kissing, oral(r!receiving), fingering, unprotected sex, bittersweet ending(?) i guess.

a/n: old wip,, this was supposed to be super gut wrenching and angsty but for some reason, my brain didn��t want to cooperate and decided that this would be the ending. also, i’ve been contemplating whether to address this or not and even tho its not a big issue, PLEASE interact with my posts. it’s the only way i’m able to know that you guys actually like the stuff i write, and ever since i’ve started writing on here 7 months ago, i’ve been noticing a decrease in interactions. im honestly losing motivation to write because i truly don’t know if people actually read my shit and like it. anyway, enjoy my mediocre writing ^___^

leon regrets everything he’s done up to this point. running into ada on a mission, going to the bar with her afterwards, and the kiss. the stupid kiss that eventually led up to this.

the divorce.

it all felt wrong, so wrong. yet here he was, driving his car to your doorstep, his stomach in knots despite having done this several times before.

for the sake of your daughter, the two of you had decided that shared custody would be the best option.

he stands at the door, hesitating before knocking, his knuckles hovering anxiously. clearing his throat, he gently raps his knuckles against the door, hoping for an answer. he's already second-guessing himself, wondering if he should have texted or called first.

your door eventually opens, and he's met with a familiar face. you.

you greet him with a civil smile, pressing a kiss into your daughter’s hair before ushering her inside.

he fidgets, adjusting the brim of his leather jacket nervously as he takes in the sight of you.

you reach to shut the door, catching a glimpse of him awkwardly hovering over you porch.

“you okay?”

he tries to find his voice. "yeah, i just, uh... i was just thinking..”

he looks down at his feet, kicking the ground with the side of his scuffed boot, as if trying to buy some time or maybe just willing the floor to swallow him up. when he speaks, his voice is low and sheepish. “when i was— last night, i thought… uh, do- do you remember when.. shit. are you free this weekend?”

”what?” you muse at his question. “leon, i really don’t wanna have this conversation with you again,”

he winces at the rebuff, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets as a defensive measure.

leon’s adam’s apple bobs up and down as he swallows hard, his ears burning at your words. he looks anywhere but at you, his eyes darting over the porch railing, the foliage, the sky — anywhere but your eyes. oh, those eyes he adored so much.

"no, wait, hear me out,”

"listen..." he takes a deep breath, steeling himself for whatever fallout this might bring, knowing he's already on shaky ground. “i just wanna talk.. to you.”

he shifts his weight, glancing up at the roof of the house as if the heavens themselves could offer a solution. when he does meet your gaze again, his eyes are pleading, his jaw clenched with a mix of anxiety and something akin to desperation.

“i’m sorry, leon. i’m busy,”

he scoffs and his face scrunches up, a pained grimace contorting his features as he cuts you off. “c’mon, please?” he's standing too close now, invading the personal space he once knew so well. “i.. i know it isn’t what we do anymore but—“

“no, seriously. i literally can’t. i have something up.”

“oh.” he deflates slightly at your dismissal, shoulders slumping in defeat. a soft, regretful sigh escapes his parted lips, and his eyes drop, gaze wandering aimlessly. "can- can you can you cancel? is it really important? what about on sunday-? i’m sure we can..“

“leon.” it's not a question this time, you stare at him with the tiniest hint of pity. “i have a date.”

ouch. he freezes, his chest constricting as if he's been punched. a date? the words echo in his mind, each syllable like a dagger to his pride, his ego, his everything. a muscle in his jaw twitches, his hands clenching and unclenching in his pockets. leon swallows hard, his throat suddenly parched.

"oh," he repeats, the sound barely above a whisper. he takes a shaky breath, trying to calm the storm brewing inside him.

he rubs a hand over the back of his neck, jaw working in agitation as he grapples with the blow of your words. a snarky retort rises in his throat, a cutting remark to deflect the sting, but it withers on his tongue, a futile attempt at salvaging pride he knows is misplaced.

leon swallows hard, his mouth opening and closing a few times before he finally finds his voice, laced with a wry bitterness. “yeah, no worries.. guess that's that," a bitter, hollow chuckle escapes him as he shifts his weight. his tone is flippant, trying to mask the sting of rejection, but the defeat is palpable as he turns to leave. he starts down the porch steps, his boots thudding against the wooden slats.

you finally close the door on him, standing by the door, hand on the knob, unease prickling along you skin like a thousand tiny needles, each one stinging with the weight of guilt. you sigh, rubbing the bridge of her nose as she tries to process her feelings. guilt, regret, a twinge longing — it's all so confusing, so messy.

the weight of his pleading eyes, the desperation in his tone — he had no right acting like a dejected puppy after he cheated on you.

you shake your head, face between your hands. he made his choices, just as you had, and now it was time to move on. you squared your shoulders, took a deep breath, and stepped away from the door, determined to let go of the ghost of what was and focus on the life you were building. for you, and your daughter.

but it’s not really easy.

not when you’re sitting alone at a restaurant, waiting for a date that never bothered to show.

your phone buzzes and you hold your breath. hoping for some sort of confirmation, but it's quickly snuffed out.

‘hey, sorry i couldn’t make it. something important came up’ the simple text reads. the same stupid excuse. every. single. time. your heart sinks, a dull ache forming in the pit of your stomach.

a bitter, derisive chuckle escapes your lips. serves you right. you knew he was trouble from the start. yet, your heart aches, a dull throb of pain and disappointment. you feel so foolish, sitting there, waiting for someone who never shows. though, it isn't really new.

now you lay in your bed, having already kicked off your heels and changed out of the uncomfortably tight dress you wore.

you pull the blankets up to your chin, suddenly feeling cold. you toss and turn, brooding and wallowing in misery, and it seemed like you’ve been doing it for hours till you’re startled out of your fitful doze by the buzz of your phone.

it's a text from leon, of course it is. it’s another one of his ‘where are u? i miss u’ ‘can’t stop thinking about you. please let me c u’ meltdowns.

he's drunk again, you can tell by the sloppy caps and the desperate pleas. every time he has a rough night, he always thinks coming over will magically fix everything. and you always refuse, knowing he’s only drunk and alone. but tonight, you feel particularly lonely.

your thumb hovers over the keyboard, and before you know it, you're typing. ‘come over.’ you hesitate, then send the message.

by then, he’s already halfway out the door, stumbling out and nearly falling as he trips over his own feet in his haste. he takes the stairs two at a time, a goofy, shit-eating grin plastered on his face. when he reaches your door, he pounds on it with a fist. his breath comes out in short puffs as he waits, anticipation making his heart race.

click.

the door creaks open a fraction and his eyes lock onto you, looking all soft and domestic in a robe. leon's breath catches in his throat as his eyes drink you in.

he tumbles in, arms outstretched as if he's about to catch something. he's immediately in your space, arms around you in a tight, needy embrace. his face buries itself in the crook of your neck, breathless with relief and something else, something suspiciously like love.

“leon—“ he smashes his mouth against yours, tongue pushing past your lips, the taste of beer and regret in his breath. his hands roam, sliding up your back, gripping your hair, fingers splayed wide as if to assure himself you're real. a low, desperate sound escapes him, half-groan, half-moan as his body presses against yours. he's desperate, sloppy, but undeniably passionate. when he finally breaks for air, he rests his forehead against yours, eyes glassy with drink and longing.

“missed you s’ much, baby,” he presses a kiss to your neck, tongue tracing the pulse point with a reverence that borders worship.

“let me make it up to you, please,” he looks up at you with those big, puppy-dog eyes, an expression so pathetic it’s comical. yet, the desperation behind them makes it anything but.

his hands skim down your sides to your hips, fingers digging in as if to keep you anchored to him. his face buried in the crook of your neck as his hands knead the meat of your ass, claws digging in through the fabric of your robe. his breath hitches as he nuzzles into you, inhaling deeply as if committing you to memory.

he trails a string of open-mouthed kisses down your neck, pausing to nibble on your collarbone before continuing his journey south. his hands never stop moving, roaming over your body with an insatiable hunger.

you let out a soft whimper, arching into his touch. "bedroom," you breathe out, and he happily obliges.

once inside, he kicks the door shut behind him and spins you around, backing you up against the bed. he begins to undo your robe with shaking fingers, your heavy breathing and the rustling of silk the only sounds in the charged silence between you. when the robe falls open, he pushes it off your shoulders, letting it pool at your feet.

the thin, sheer fabric of your nightgown offers little resistance as he practically rips it off you. a shaky breath escapes his parted lips as he reaches for you again, fingers grazing your skin as if he's not quite trusting his own touch.

he guides you to the bed, pushing you to sit on the edge. he immediately drops to his knees before you, face between your legs.

“these ‘re pretty,” he slurs out, before he fucking tears your underwear off.

“leon!”

he chuckles at your reaction, a low, rumbling sound in the back of his throat. “sorry,” he murmurs against your inner thigh, his hot breath causing goosebumps to rise in its wake. “gonna buy you new ones,”

his stubble scrapes against your sensitive skin as he slowly trails open-mouthed kisses up your thigh, savoring every inch of you that you’re willing to give him.

he buries his face between your legs, licking and sucking with a single-minded devotion that makes your toes curl and eyes roll back in your head. his scruffy cheeks hollow as he sucks a hickey into the soft flesh of your inner thigh.

god, it’s been so long. the feelings practically foreign.

his tongue begins to lash at your slit, long and flat, with a dexterity that belies his level of inebriation.

“you still mine?” he huffs. “‘course you are, ‘m the only one that can get ya this wet,”

slurp, smack, suck, repeat.

his tongue is relentless, probing your entrance, swirling around your clit with increasing fervor. he's sloppy, uncoordinated, but it only serves to heighten the intensity of it all. every time he pulls back, you can hear his heavy breathing, feel the vibrations of his moans against your most intimate flesh. your fingers thread into his hair, tugging him closer as your back arches off the bed. a keening whimper escapes you, the sound muffled by your clenched teeth as you struggle to maintain some semblance of control.

“fuck, leon—” your words trail off into incoherent mumbles as he drives you closer to the edge, tongue darting in and out with a pace that’ll make a grown woman go crazy. “d-denise, were gonna wake her up,”

a low growl rumbles in his chest as he responds to your whine. there's a hint of accusation in his gaze, but it quickly morphs into a look of raw, desperate need. “don’t matter,” he's relentless, persistent, refusing to back down even as you tremble and writhe beneath him.

he grunts, his attention snapping back to you, blue eyes squinting as he looks up from between your thighs. his tongue is a damn metronome, lapping and smacking with a relentless rhythm that has you chasing the edge of oblivion.

it's like every drunken fantasy he's ever had is being poured out onto you. messy, uncoordinated, desperate. and you’re eating it up. “gonna make you forget all about that stupid date," he mutters through slurred words. "’m the only man who can make you feel this good,"

he's not wrong. the way he's attacking you with his tongue, it's like he's trying to prove a fucking point.

"leon, please," you gasp out, and he takes it as an invitation to continue. your entire body is wound up tight, a taut string ready to snap. he slips a finger in, then two, curling them just right so that they’re pressing against that spongy spot that has you seeing stars.

your legs wrap around his head, fingers threading into his hair as you pull him in as close as humanly possible. his name is a chant on your lips, a prayer to the gods of pleasure. "leon, leon, leon,". denise could come in right now and catch you like this — legs splayed, back arched, eyes squeezed shut in bliss. he's that good. or maybe that bad. you dont know. and you don’t care to find out.

"yeah, just like that," he praises, voice a low, gravelly growl. "love my fingers in this greedy little cunt, don't you?"

your thighs clench around his head, heels digging into his back as you ride out the pleasure. "gonna cum, leon, please—“ yours words trail off into a wail, a keen of pure, unadulterated euphoria.

your back arches, toes curl, and your fingers dig into his hair, holding him to you as the wave crashes over you. he tugs you down to the edge of the bed, practically burying his face in your groin. he laps at your slit, in and out, in and out, until the last bit of resistance melts away.

he lifts his face from between your legs, eyes hazy and unfocused as he fumbles to unbuckle his pants. once he has it off, he's back, pushing your legs apart as he kneels between them. the thick of his length throbs against your lower belly, and you can feel his racing heartbeat through every inch of him that's in contact with you.

he notches the head of his cock at your entrance, pressing in just enough to make you feel the pressure, gathering your juices before giving a long, slow stroke up and down, coating himself in you. he's throbbing, pulsing with need, and you can practically taste the desperation in your mouth.

he presses in, just the tip at first, then a bit more. slow, shallow strokes, in and out. his hips rock against yours, the motion slow and languid. one of his hands cups your cheek, thumb brushing over your closed eyelids to check if he was dreaming. the other hand palms the small of your back, fingers digging in as if to anchor himself. your legs wrap around his waist, ankles locking behind his back as he slowly sinks into you.

he's quiet for a moment, just holding you, his heart racing in his chest as if he's trying to communicate something without using words. his hips move, the action slow and lazy, as if he's trying to spoon you into submission.

he pulls out, just to the tip, before pushing back in. the motion is slow, sensual, a deliberate teasing that has you whining and writhing beneath him.

sweat beads on his brow, tracing down the lines of his face, but he doesn't slow. if anything, he's driven by a desperate need to make up for lost time, to prove himself worthy of you. your back arches, hands scrabbling for purchase on the sheets as he pistons in and out, the force of his thrusts rocking your entire body. he's not gentle, not soft, but rough and demanding, just like he always used to be when he was trying to stake his claim.

he nips at your earlobe, his teeth grazing the sensitive flesh before he sooths it with his tongue. “fuck, feels so good,” he gasps out, his words punctuated by the slap of skin against skin. “can't believe i ever let you go.”

"leon," you whimper, the name a plea, a prayer. his lips find yours in a sloppy, frantic kiss. he's drinking you in, devouring your mouth, your moans, your gasps, trying to consume every ounce of you.

he's sweating, hair a mess, face scrunched up in concentration, but those blue eyes remain locked on yours.

you're lost in the sensation, every nerve ending on high alert, screaming for friction, for relief, for release. "leon, leon, gonna cum," you pant, your voice raw, your throat dry. "please, i—" but your pleas are swallowed by his next thrust, his cock dragging against your sensitive walls.

he leans forward, his forehead pressing against yours, noses nearly touching. his hot breath mingles with yours, the scent of his beer-soaked breath and the musk of his arousal mingling together in the most intoxicating way. "love you," he suddenly whispers, the words a quiet, a desperate confession that hangs in the air between you.

“love you, love you, fuck—“

the way your walls squeeze him when you cum drags his own orgasm from him. for a long moment, he stays frozen, buried to the hilt, his chest heaving against yours as he tries to catch his breath.

the heat of your body seeps into his skin, chasing away the chill of the night air. he collapses against you, a boneless heap of satisfied male. his cock throbs, pulses, and drips onto the bed between your legs as he tries to catch his breath. the room is silent, save for your joint heavy breathing, and the occasional groan as his softening length slips out of you. eventually, he rolls off, lying on his back beside you, one big hand coming to rest on your stomach, thumb stroking in a slow, idle pattern. his eyes are hazy, unfocused, but they find yours and hold. a small, sheepish smile tugs at his lips.

"sorry," he slurs out, the word garbled and slightly off-kilter. "i shoulda been better, should’ve tried harder, i... i‘m gonna make things right, i swear,"

he peppers your neck with soft kisses, his stubble rasping against your tender flesh. he's warm, solid, and comforting. gentle and tender, a stark contrast to the desperation that drove him mere moments ago.

he's not reaching for grand gestures or flowery declarations. he's asking for something simple, intimate, and achingly human. a chance to hold you, to sleep beside you, to maybe, begin to rebuild something from the rubble of what once was.

and for a moment, you let yourself believe that he’ll be different this time. that he's not just trying to relive past glories, but genuinely wants to make amends, to start anew.

tags: @crowleyco @withonly-sweetheart @fanilkychae

[forever-rogue]

I don’t know if your still taking request about Miguel but im going to shoot my shot 🕷️🕸️

What about a request where after arguing with the reader (hater to lovers) and he falls into a small crack of the universe and gets a glimpses of married life with her and them having kids. Then he realizes he doesn’t hate her🥲

Totally okay if you don’t want to write it 😊😊

AN | Miguel really is just a big old softie at heart! I hope you enjoy 🥰

Warnings | Language

Pairing | Miguel x Fem!Reader

Word Count | 2.5k

Masterlist | Main, Spider-Man

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Yeah?” you tried to glare at Miguel with as much venom as possible. Judging from the unimpressed look on his face you realized your words probably didn’t land how you wanted them to, “well…well you’re big and stupid! And ugly.”

You heard a snicker from behind you and quickly turned to glare at Peter. He straightened up and cleared his throat immediately. The corner of his mouth ticked up in a smirk as you sighed internally, “that’s the best you could do?”

“I, I…umm…”

“No matter how convincing your words or points are, I’m not changing my mind,” he pushed past you, not even bothering to look you in the face. The rest of the spiders all parted for him, already whispering among themselves, “you’re off any missions from here on out.”

“I hate you!” you shouted at his retreating back, trying to swallow down the tears that threatened to well up and pour down your cheeks.

“I know you do,” of course he heard. Curse the super hearing, “I hate you too.”

You scoffed and turned on your heel, storming off to go anywhere but here. You hated Miguel, you hated his stupid face and his stupid rules and everything about. 

Well, that’s what you were trying to convince yourself of anyway. But you knew, deep down, that it wasn’t true. You didn’t truly hate him. You didn’t think you were capable of doing that. 

“Do none of you have anything better to do?!” you shouted loudly, waving your hand around as you stormed out to go…anywhere but there. You just knew that Peter and Miles were following after you, accompanied by some small coos from Mayday. 

Only once you were back out in the fresh air, which currently did little to help your nerves, did you turn around to face your friends. You held up with your hands and shrugged at them, “well? Say what’s on your mind then.”

“That was…a lot,” Miles scratched the back of his neck awkwardly as he looked at Peter, “what happened?”

“Is this about what happened in-”

“Yes,” you hung your head with a heavy groan, “this is about Shanghai. Somehow it is all my fault and that means I cannot ever do anything again.”

“But it was…everyone’s fault,” the boys exchanged a look as Mayday made a small sound of confusion, “not just yours.”

“I’m well aware of that…I thought everyone was aware of that, but for some reason Miguel is not,” you scoffed at the sheer thought of him, “he has this like personal vendetta against me and I have no clue why. But I am so tired of it. Maybe he’s right though, maybe I’m not cut out for this.”

“You’re not seriously considering leaving?” Miles’ entire face dropped as you shrugged, “I’m sure he’ll be over it soon.”

“Even so…maybe it’s time I don’t do this anymore,” you waved your hand around, “maybe it’s time I’m not some sort of fool with a weird radioactive spider bit doing vigilante shit.”

“But…but-” Peter had no clue how to follow that up - he’s been through those exact thoughts several times before, “you can’t just leave.”

“I dunno Peter,” you whispered, “it’s a lot to think about. But for now I’ve gotta go. I’ll see you guys later, okay?”

“Promise you won’t leave leave without saying goodbye?” you’d miss these two most of all if you did leave. But you had your own decisions to make.

“Swear on it,” that much at least was a promise. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Miguel stopped dead in his tracks as he looked across the park. Part of him was sure that his eyes were playing tricks on him, but no - this was a reality that was simply different from his own. Anything could happen…and apparently anything did happen. 

Because there you were, crouched down and talking to a small boy that was staring back excitedly with a big smile on face. You reached out and ruffled his dark hair before he ran off again, running towards the jungle gym. You straightened back up and shook your head fondly. But then - then - the real surprise came…in the form of himself. 

Alternate universe Miguel walked up to you and threw an arm around your shoulders as you shook on your tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his cheek. No fucking way. His breath hitched in his throat as he continued to watch the two of you, attempting to process what in the actual hell was happening. That’s when he noticed the bands on both of your fingers and the fact that the small boy you had been talking to looked suspiciously like a combination of both of you.

“No way,” the actual Miguel ran his hands through his hair in exasperation, “there’s no way.”

But…this was a different reality and he knew, maybe better than anybody, that anything was possible. He hung his head and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose; he was here for a reason, for a job, and he couldn’t let himself get distracted, and potentially ruin any canon events. He could feel the pull of curiosity getting the better of him; this was definitely not a reality that was any of his bingo cards. 

Really though, it should have been. Just because you believed he was an asshole, and let’s be honest he was, didn’t mean that he didn’t care about you. He probably cared too much  if he was being honest, which had led to him being overprotective of you and then…led to the current situation at hand. But you had fallen into the belief that he hated you and then you started to hate him and…yeah. Things were a mess essentially, but he could at least rest easier knowing that you were safe. 

He was going to turn around and complete what he was supposed to, really he was, but Miguel also knew that if you fell out of his view he’d probably never mind you again. And he had to know the current state of affairs between the two of you was. 

With a heavy huff, he camouflaged himself and hopped into a tree closer to the two of you. It wasn’t spying or anything…it was just gathering some intel. Sure, yeah, that’s what he was going to go with.

“Did you get everything for dinner, amor?” you raised an eyebrow and looked at him curiously (he’d been on the receiving end of that look so many times), “and don’t even bother lying to me.”

“Of course I did,” Miguel knew that he was lying. He knew himself well enough.

“Miguel,” you huffed and he groaned lightly, “you didn’t get anything yet, did you?”

“I haven’t gotten anything,” he admitted and Miguel couldn’t help but laugh at himself, “I’m sorry, amor! I got so busy and I had Diego and…yeah.”

“Yeah?” your hands settled on your waist as you sighed heavily, but with nothing short of fondness. You reached over and patted his cheek gently, “how about I take Diego and then you can go to the store? The big dinner is tomorrow and we need to get started on everything tonight. Think you can handle that, big guy?”

Actual Miguel couldn’t help but laugh at this version; he was whipped for you. The real, or whatever you wanted to call him, wasn’t quite ready to fully admit that just yet. But deep down inside he knew it was true. 

“Okay,” he leaned over and kissed you softly, “whatever you want, sweetheart.”

“Smart man,” you beamed at him and he wrapped his arms around your shoulder.

Miguel was watching with wide, curious eyes as the whole thing unwrapped. Eventually the two of you left, the small boy - who he assumed was named Diego - in tow. He wanted to keep following you but he knew that wouldn’t be productive in any sense. Instead he was just feeling all sorts of things.

He was so intent on wanting to learn every little bit of your life in the short time he had; he didn’t even hear Miles pop up behind him. 

“What are you doing?” Miguel startled so harshly that he almost fell out of the tree. Instead, he narrowed his eyes and glared at the young spider, “everything alright here?”

“What are you…why - nevermind,” Miguel knew better than to question what Miles was doing there, “don’t sneak up on people like that, Miles.”

“Sorry,” the boy didn’t sound sorry at all, “you’ve been gone for a while and this seemed pretty simple so I wanted to make sure that nothing had gone wrong.”

“It’s fine,” Miguel hissed and looked around surreptitiously to make sure you and this Miguel had disappeared from view, “I just got a little…distracted.”

“Distracted?” Miles repeated. That was odd…Miguel was always all business and no play. Something was definitely going on, “are you sure you’re alright?”

When Miguel didn’t respond Miles looked around to see what could have gotten the man so distracted. He didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary and wasn’t able to draw any meaningful conclusions. Miguel turned to the younger boy with reddened cheeks and wild eyes, “yes. Now go back and focus on your jobs. I’ll be back soon.”

“If you’re-”

“Positive,” Miguel narrowed his eyes in a glare, “just let me do my work.”

“Okay…” Miles didn’t want to go, but Miguel already seemed annoyed and he wasn’t going to push the issue, “see you later.”

“Goodbye Miles,” he watched him pointedly until Miles left again. Once the boy was gone, he groaned loudly and smacked his head against the tree. 

The worst part of all was that Miguel had now lost track of you. He huffed heavily…it looked like his personal espionage quest was finished for now. 

Even if he never saw you again, at least he would always have this memory of you. 

He just hoped that the you back in your world was willing to talk to him, despite how awful he had been. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“What are you doing here?” your entire face fell as you looked at Miguel standing on your doorstep. You sighed heavily, and without waiting for an answer, started to close the door, but Miguel stopped you by lodging his foot in the door, “Miguel.”

“Don’t go,” he barked out, surprising both of you. His face warmed up as you opened and closed your mouth a few times. Your frown quickly returned and you crossed your arms over his chest, “I mean don’t…please don’t leave the team.”

“Give me one good reason,” you waited for an answer, but instead you were met with silence. You could tell that he was struggling with trying to say something but still you didn’t receive an answer. Scoffing, you tried to push him, “exactly. You don’t need me. Goodbye.”

“I don’t want you to go!” that caused you to stop in your tracks as your mouth dropped open. Miguel groaned, scrubbing a hand over his face at the sudden and seemingly unexpected confession. He waited for you to yell at him or something - anything. But instead you studied him intently. 

“Say it again,” your voice was less confident than you’d intended. You cringed internally but the expression on Miguel’s face made you feel slightly less awkward, “please?”

“I don’t want you to go,” he repeated softly, a small little half smile pulling up the corners of his mouth, “I’m an idiot.”

“Yeah,” you agreed with a nervous laugh, “you are Miguel.”

“And I’m sorry,” you hadn’t been expecting his first confession, and you definitely hadn’t been expecting an apology. Maybe you’d fallen into the wrong universe without knowing it, “so…yeah.”

“Are you going to kiss me or…?” you knew there was still a lot to go over but right now you really wanted this. You’d both been dancing around this for far too long. 

His hands found your face and he kissed you without hesitation. Apparently that was all he needed in order to finally make his move. It was almost embarrassing how often he thought about and wanted this. You hesitated for a moment before kissing him back and jumping into his arms, eager to have him all over you. 

He kissed like he did everything else - with purpose and his whole heart in it. It didn’t even phase you that you were making out in the middle of the hallway of your apartment building. Neither of you pulled apart until you were desperate for a breath of air. 

Miguel set you back down and the two of you exchanged shy, but happy smiles. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, unsure of what exactly to say. He hadn’t thought this far - he definitely hadn’t thought he’d get to this point. 

“What changed your mind?” you asked quietly and his eyes widened in surprise at your question. Not that it was a weird question. 

“I’m not sure you’d believe it,” you couldn’t help but laugh at that before gesturing around and between yourselves.

“Miguel,” you dropped your voice so only the two of you could hear, “we have spider abilities and can travel between different universes. What could possibly that’s so crazy and I wouldn’t believe it?”

“You sure you want to hear it?”

“Duh.”

“That job I went on,” you huffed slightly because it was that very job that he’d forbidden you from going on, “I saw something.”

“Let me guess,” you had to hold back your giggles as you figured out exactly where this was going, “you found us and we happened to be married. Maybe with a kid?”

“H-how did you know?!”

“Because,” you opened the door and gestured for him to follow you inside, “in almost every universe I’ve gone to where we’re there we’ve been…together.”

“Oh,” his cheeks turned red as closed the door and leaned against it, “oh.”

“Oh,” you teased in return, “I wondered if you’d ever notice. You know what that means, right?”

“What does it mean?”

“I think it means you should kiss me,” there was a coquettish look on your face as he swallowed thickly, “unless you don’t want to?”

“I want to,” he stepped closer to you as you smiled up at him, “I really want to.”

“So do it.”

[klxudykai]

things i've manifested over the past week

i didn't really manifest a whole bunch before this week because i felt like it wasn't working for me up until i realized i just needed to be persistent- (i know im goofy asf you can throw tomatoes at me now LMFAO)

i don't have much of a "routine" if anything it's short and simple. i usually do it when im tired because i feel like me being in a "sleepy state" of mind works better. then i just affirm. but i apply the affirmations to what im doing. so ill say smth like "with every breath i take i get this" or "as im falling asleep i get this". ill even mix it in with affirmations that sound like i have whatever im manifesting and ill say it casually too. like "oh yeah i have this it's pretty cool or whatever". i even visualize that i have what im manifesting and it makes it a lot more believable (i feel like if i can see myself with it, then its possible if that makes any sense)

i dont continue to affirm though because then if i do i dont go to sleep (ESPECIALLY when im trying to shift) and thats why i also add to the affirmation "as im going to sleep" because i feel like that makes me more sleepy. i dont even realize i fall asleep either so it helps a lot.

anyways i thought id share some of the things ive been manifesting considering ive been doing it pretty much daily:

i manifested that i would be in shape for volleyball at school since thats about to start back up soon and my coach wanted us to get a gym membership but i havent worked out once (havent had any time or motivation)

for a while i WAS manifesting that someone that i knew at my old school would transfer to my current school but something in my head was like "nah its not worth putting in effort" so i dropped that (but i have a feel that had i kept manifesting it, it wouldve happened)

i had really bad cramps one night so i affirmed that they would go away as im trying to sleep and they would be gone in the morning (safe to say that worked)

manifested that i have confidence (SPECIFICALLY the confidence that megan thee stallion and sabrina carpenter have)

while also manifesting more confidence i also manifested that people would want to hang out with me more and im desired (may have added a guy into that manifestation??)

its not anything big mostly cause i wanted to start small rather than bite off more than i can chew. its also cause i have a hard time believing my manifestations would work so i decided to just start small with them. also with the second manifestation that i dropped, thats not the first time ive attempted to manifest something and my head told me to just drop it. i dont think its meant to say "oh no that won't work" but its rather protecting me or smth (intuition came in clutch???) but yeah im not stressing about it considering i have all the things ive manifested and i can have so much more.

i dont have much to say anymore, but for the people that doubt manifestation, dont. that shit is real im telling you. if you persist and truly believe you have it, you got it. you dont even have to do much you could just slip it into a conversation or say it before you go to sleep and it will be there. persist, persist, persist. im so fr when i say it works yall. - coming from someone who thought none of my manifestations would come true

[byjovewhataspend]

Putting on his best outfit to cheer himself up-- it's not really working :(

rambling thoughts about the new manga stuff below

It feels so WILDLY incorrect tonally for none of the villains to be saved. So many people told deku he couldnt save shigaraki and he pushed back against that-- but from any outside view shigaraki dying is the same as Deku killing him, i dont accept 'his ghost smiled so he was saved', afo shattered shigarakis mind the second Tomura's heart wavered and he died instantly (nana saved a little bit of his soul long enough for him to hang out and punch AFO, that had nothing to do with deku)

but the last thing he said before AFO killed him was 'i have to be the hero to the villains' and the last thing he said to deku was essentially 'tell spinner i did was i promised'

but before both of those points almost the entire league (sans compress) is already dead (spinner seems braindead? though the next chapter had people messing with what looked to be his scales so maybe someones working on helping him) so Deku cant tell them anything.

ANYWAYS my 5% hope here, a way to walk this shit back, is that Tomuras quirk 'which used to have a regeneration aspect' regenerated itself and Tomura comes back and Deku gets a second chance to save him for real this time, and then tomura uses the regeneration aspect of his quirk to fix all the rest of the league. he can return Spinner to his old self, and Dabi has GOT to be in that tank in front of Endeavor, right?

(What else in the world does Endeavor have to care about right now except for his family? none of them (or hawks, his only friend) needed a healing tank, so im guessing Dabis horrific husk is in some stasis goo with no hope , spinner is brainded/insane with no hope, toga is probably 'disappeared on the battle field' or maybe in a coma with no hope.. )

((honestly that tank, them not telling us yet if anyones dead (it would be weird to REVEAL people died who we thoughts died on screen a year ago) and the weirdly timed 'tomura couldve been able to regenerate but i removed that' a second before he died are the only reasons i have any hope. im not the hoping type. a series i was interested in ending badly has never been Taken Back before))

i dont know if That Person is Tomura (it didnt LOOK like him, not at all, honestly they looked like a woman to me, but who the fuck knows when they are doing Anime Crazy Face) but it feels like the only way to walk any of this back.

They put so much emotional stuff onto tomura and then gave him the worlds clearest 'he never had any choice to be this way' backstory EVER (even his BIRTH was arranged by AFO thats so fucked up, i wouldnt be shocked if he bought him the dog he killed too) that the ONLY doubt i had that Deku would save him was in that i wasn't sure how youd arrange to keep him out of prison for life. Id been guessing 'rewound to childhood to get a second chance at a better one' (not great but hey, it beats dead or tartaras and it matches that opening i liked) but hey, if hes Confirmed Dead and Deku finds someone Similiar To Him but with Fixing Powers and is liek 'hey everyone this is my brother Tenko my american dad just brought him over isnt that great?' id fucking take it

ALSO plucking Eris horn off so that she wasnt an option anymore like.. from a writing standpoint feels like it has to be FOR something.

Finally: deku looked SO depressed in the most recent chapter. he looked miserable. he hardly spoke a fucking word. considering how he acted about Eri i cant imagine hes the type to be like 'whelp, failed to save those people, i guess ill save a random different person in the final arc and thatll help me get over it'. truly i think if deku to failed to save tomura he'd spend the rest of his life not feeling like a real hero. especially when he checks to complete tomuras wish and spinner cant get his final words? and togas final words to deku was that she liked him and then he ran off and she died?? just. no. it feels so tragic and dark.

i do NOT believe horikoshi has that much creative control, honestly, i feel like if he had complete control he wouldnt kill tomura (since hes written a Tenko into like all his other stories and he loves him) but a small glimmer of hope is Dabi getting fuckign 4th place in the popularity results after he'd already become the most dead looking fucker i have ever seen. SURELY management knows hes popular and would be open to them being saved and redeemed just for BRANDING purposes, right?

PS: everyones been joking but he horikoshi SAID we'd see dekus FUCKING DAD. what possible purpose could that man serve when he wasnt even watching deku lose his arms on international tv?? if its as a cover for bringing tomura back ill fucking take it.

[l0stfoster]

Hey its paul anon again (thanks for the name 🫡) sorry ive been bombarding you with questions but I absolutely love this au and i love everyone to bits

So, can you go into more detail about darry and paul . Like, as much info abt them as you can throw at me those two are my boys . Like how did they officially get together , how did Paul go abt moving in and whats that situation like .

Also, when Paul is like kicked out and cut off from the family, does he end up just,, losing everything? I mean like, did his parents even let him get his belongings or did all he have was the clothes on his body and trauma. I would imagine his parents had control over his bank account too so they like shut that down too so he’s out here broke as fuck JHSJSHSJ sorry im just yapping

Anon never apologizes for asking I'm so open to answering them bc I love this au and I adore that so many people like it too. Parry fans are eating good bc the writers love Cursed!Parry just as much. I'll answer your questions ab them before I yap. To be totally honest, those two did not ever really make it official. Doing that requires two things they lack; emotional openness and no internalized homophobia. They both told themselves for the longest time that it wasn't a relationship... even after they started saying "I love you" in Latin and Fae respectively (Paul knows Latin bc spells, Darry knows Fae for obvious reasons), or when each other realized managed to figure out WHAT the other was saying,, or when they started sharing a bed and waking up intertwined,,, or when they started using far too affectionate pet names,,, or when things became far too intimate for it to be casual. They never actually make it official, one day they just slip into calling each other their boyfriends. The most official it ever got was when they flat out went "Oh yeah, we're dating" to the gang. The gang was making bets on that, by the way. Pony said weeks, Soda said a month, Steve said two, Two-Bit said a year. Ace got it right down to the date and time, nobody knows how she did it. They have no anniversary because they have no fucking idea when they really "got together". Paul never truly moved in either, he kinda just went from crashing there whenever his car wasn't an option, to taking up the couch almost every night, to sleeping in Darry's room, and eventually, it was just an unspoken thing that he was officially a member of the household. They have to kick him out for the day whenever the social worker comes to check on things, cause Darry can NOT take the risk of some kind of bad outcome to his mere existence. OK MORE GENERAL PARRY - Being with Paul reminds Darry that he's only 20 and still allowed to be something other than "the adult" sometimes. That brings a whole KIND of happiness that he can't describe. Dude's tail is fucked up due to physical trauma but that bitch wags so fast with Paul. - Darry on the other hand just generally grounds Paul. He's so used to the way of life that was on the west side that everything going on there is overwhelming sometimes. - They're very bad with vocal I love you's in English but they will say that shit ALL the time in different languages or through their actions. - Uh after Paul got jumped and had his letterman jacket stolen, Darry gave him an old denim jacket of his own bc Paul hated having his arms out in the open. - Pony audibly gags every time they're lovey-dovey. He's not homophobic unless you're Paul and Darry. - They'd shotgun cigarettes when they were younger (and the only reason they don't anymore is the account of Darry wanting to keep the fact that he smokes every rare occurrence on the down low) - Darry's purring has healing properties like a cat's purr (all of the brothers' have it actually) so this mf will just drag Paul down to cuddle and purr. - They are.. so down bad for each other. Darry does anything and Paul swoons, and they've def had an interaction that goes something like this: Paul, knowing Darry cant lie: "How do you feel about me right now?" Darry, immediately: "I'd marry you if I could." Paul & Darry:

As for being kicked out, Paul's parents quite literally just. Booted him, barely a warning. One minute he's arguing back for the first time since their keeping up appearances at the police event, and the next he's being dragged by the arm and shoved out of the house with threats of being killed if he dares to show his face back there. Just like that, all of it's pretty much gone; save for the clothes on his back and whatever he'd been carrying-- which was really only his car keys and his wallet. He was sleeping in his car for a bit until Two and Pony vaguely got on his ass because Darry's calls were going to voicemail and he was stupid enough to let it slip that he wasn't living at home anymore. Pony, being Pony, snitched. Can't have shit with that little gremlin around- so after finding his dumbass after having had the equivalent of an aneurism over suddenly being ghosted by Paul, Darry extended the offer for Paul to stay with them. He doesn't mind it being a permanent solution, but Paul is.. less fond for a few reasons; so he tries not to impose much while he looks for work. (He does eventually get something sorted out, so yippie! Helps with the bills what a guy) FORGOT TO ADD. He sneaks home at one point to try and get some of his shit because he knows where the spare key is, but gets cold feet at the door because he genuinely doesn't know if his dad will keep up with that threat.

[cheesyv]

Rating Hazbin Hotel & Helluva Boss Ships

——————

I was originally going to post 2 different things (one for HH & another for HB) but I decided I would bring them together cause there are some ships involving characters from both. So This is gonna be a long behind post :]

-

This should be obvious but for those who might get confused about the colors:

Green - For the higher rated ships. I love or think that ship could work

Orange- For both high and low rated ships. I’m on the fence for that ship. So I could have easily given it a lower or higher rating

Red - For lower rated ships. I hate or think that ship couldn’t work

-

——————

HH

Alastor/Lucifer 10/10 I’m a sucker for enemies to lovers tropes 😭 like I know it’s most likely not going to be canon (and let’s bfr a lot of our ships won’t be) but that’s part of the fun. I find the fics and art hilarious and absolutely adorable. I think the cutest thing is them being in a QPR 🤭

Husk/Angel 10/10 They are cute. Husk and Angel talking, bonding and all that fun crap lol

Alastor/Rosie 10/10 I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the idea of them being in a QPR.

Charlie/Vaggie 9/10 They are so cute and supportive, and fit well together

Vox/Lucifer/Alastor 8/10 Lucifer and Vox become Alastor’s simps, and pull him into all their crazy ‘adventures’ 💀 They start dating but Alastor doesn’t fully comprehend it. I find it kinda funny to imagine Lucifer & Vox thinking they’re all dating but that doesn’t even pop up in Al’s head. (Let’s be for real, Alastor is just barely holding himself together and “tolerating” them and maybe eventually growing fond of them)

Lucifer/Vox 7/10 I like the idea of them partnering together (in fake dating or partnership in hating and fighting Al) to spite Alastor.

Alastor/Vox 6/10 I’m not the biggest fan of this ship. I enjoy the art I see and find some of the comics funny/cute but truly my heart will always belong to radioapple 😔

Vox/Val 10/10 They are most likely already sleeping together and act like a old married couple in the show, just work on Vox’s obsession with Alastor (and Val’s character but you know that probably ain’t happening) and BOOM could be good (tho I think Val finds amusement in Vox’s obsession so idk).

Val/Vox/Velvette 3/10 Don’t really see them all actually dating or being more than business partners/family.

Adam/Lucifer 4/10 Yeah that would totally work 💀 cause Lucifer totally didn’t fuck both of his wifes and I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried it on Adam too. Plus I feel like there would be alot of beef between them. (Adam did attack the hotel and Charlie, they might have some more history then just wife stealing cause you know heaven/earth stuff) But i must admit I like the fan art of them.

Alastor/Angel 4/10 I just don’t like the idea of them together very much. 🤷‍♀️ no specific reason honestly, I never liked the ship even during the plot

Val/Angel 1/10 You understand. Val is shit and treats Angel like he’s shit.

Lucifer/Lilith 7/10 Im suspicious of Lilith. 🤨 I really hope she actually cares about her family 😔 I like seeing them in the garden of Eden and raising Charlie like a happy family but idk, something is off about her. I also love the angst 🤭

Rosie/Lilith 6/10 Is kinda cute but I don’t know enough about both characters (especially Lilith). 🧐 If they are even actually who they say they are (theory post) 🧐

Adam/Lute 8/10 I like this ship, they obviously have history and some sort of chemistry. The relationship might be alittle unhealthy tho. I also like to think of them in a father/daughter or mentor/mentee type relationship.

Cherri/SirPentious 7/10 Sir Pentious likes it and deserves love. I’m a little fiffy on this one cause of Cherri. But she can definitely gain genuine feelings (too bad he’s not within her reach anymore 😏) so I’ll give her some slack lol

Zestial/Carmilla 8/10 I ship it. They obviously have some sort of history and are friends.

Charlie/Emily 1/10 They’re so alike that I see them more as sisters than anything.

Charlie/Alastor ?/10 I don’t know anymore 😭 I used to not like it but now this ship is slowly growing on me. Especially after reading this. <- That post just makes sense and honestly I wouldn’t be mad if it was canon. It’s making me question “everything” lol

Husk/Lucifer 8/10 I like it as a platonic ship. I think they be good friends and can easily talk to each other. I really like @drazhaq’s comics of Lucifer cuddling Husk and him not being overwhelmed talking to husk.

Husk/Alastor 3/10 Not a big fan, I prefer Huskerdust

Cherri/Angel 2/10 They are best friends and I don’t think Cherri would be a good partner for Angel. Plus he’s gay.

——————

HB

Striker/Chaz 6/10 Honestly? They both got some sex drive in them lol. Wouldn’t be to bad if Chaz wasn’t dead ☠️

Chaz/Moxxie/Millie 1/10 I don’t like it. You can tell Moxxie and Millie didn’t like it either

Chaz/Blitzo 3/10 wouldn’t have worked out 🤷‍♀️ plus Blitz ?loves (?that’s what imma use lol) Moxxie and Millie to much to go dating someone who’s hated by them and (I must add) a lousy fuck/fucker.

Martha/Mayberry 7/10 😭 They realized the man wasn’t worth it so they hooked up instead. I’m not against it 🙌 if they got over their differences then sure, go for it ladies.

Stolas/Blitzo 7/10 ugh 😩 Honestly hate the way things are going and how they treat each other (specially Blitz). If they can’t figure it out, it’d be better to just split up and go on their separate ways. But I do want them to work out their issues and become happy together. They are so cute together when they ain’t doing the toxic tango.

Loona/Octavia 2/10 See them more as siblings, friends or mentor/mentee

Stolas/Stella 1/10 Hell no :)

Stolas/Striker 1/10 Striker was literally paid to kill Stolas. Even tho Stolas finds him hot doesn’t mean it’d work out lol.

Stella/Striker 4/10 They can go fuck off with each other :)

Fizzaroli/Blitz 10/10 As a romantic ship, hell no. As a platonic ship, hell yes. I’m glad they made up and are friends again, they are such a good duo :) (Tho I won’t complain if there’s some platonic make out sessions between the two /J)

Fizzarolli/Ozzie 10/10 They are ADORABLE together 😭 They way Ozzie is with Fizz makes me happy.

Moxxie/Millie 10/10 They are perfect for each other. If you ship one of these characters with any one else, how dare you 😠

Verosika/Blitzo 3/10 Obviously Blitz doesn’t like her like that and Verosika doesn’t anymore. They had their struggles and I’m glad in the end it was somewhat “sort out”. I hope they can be friends at least, if not that’s understandable.

Mammon/Fizzarolli 2/10 Mammon’s true love is money 🤑 and he treated Fizz like shit just to get more.

Stolas/DudeThatAskedHimToDance 6/10 Ah. I think it’s cute and could be healthier and less harming than the relationship Stolas has with Blitz. If Stoliz doesn’t work out then this could be an option. 🤷‍♀️

Loona/Vortex 7/10 I think they’d be cute together but you know he’s already in a relationship with bee

——————

HH & HB

Lucifer/Stolas 7/10 Two emotionally damaged dads? They’d be cute and would bond over being hurt by someone they love and their relationship with their daughters. But I think I like the idea of them being friends way better.

Verosika/Valentino 3/10 I don’t know 💀 I’ve been thinking about this one for a day or two. I’m just gonna say no

Ozzie/Angel 3/10 like the idea of Angel going to Ozzie for help/work, but nothing more

Loona/Cherri 7/10 Honestly? Two badass people = badass power couple lol

Loona/Charlie 2/10 not a big fan 🤷‍♀️

Blitzo/Angel 6/10 It could work, both are vulgar and brash. They got issues that could be worked on together. But those issues they got can also be a big problem in the relationship (as it is in helluva boss between Stolas & Blitz). But, if not romantically, then they could be great business partners.

Stolas/Angel & Fizzarolli/Angel 6/10 Platonic ship! Could go two ways: a good fuck or besties for life. I love the idea of them shopping and gossiping together. I don’t particularly think they’d work as a couple tho.

Fizzarolli/Angel/Stolas 6/10 Platonic ship! Could definitely be besties. Bonding over the lovers and tyrants in their lives, going shopping etc. Don’t think they all would/could be lovers.

——————

What’s your favorite/least favorite ship in HH & HB?

✨ Thanks for reading :) ✨

——————

[aechii]

₍⁠₍ GOOD LUCK CHARM ₎⁠₎

{read part 2}

PAiRiNG ?! childhoodfriend!kylian x black!femreader

GENRE ?! romance , angst if you have 30/30 vision

SYNOPSiS ?! based on the prompt "you still wear that little bracelet i made you?" "it's like my good luck charm.." by @novelbear because i need fuel rn haha 😞

A/N ?! i was listening to infrunami by steve lacy while writing this, if it's too fluffy im sorry blame him. i think i need to stop writing in 2nd person pov cos it's NOT IT. so yh, this isn't good BUT i feed my consumers so yuuuuurp, HERE YOU GO 💀

~°~

if someone had told 8 year old you that your friendship with kylian, in all its deep-rootedness and proclamations of 'forever's, would meet its demise just short of your 17th birthday, you would've cackled like the wicked witch of the west herself, bearing your gapped teeth in complete humour.

your bond was imperishable, derived from unyielding interlocked hands and taut, warm hugs that you longed to ever drown into. everybody knew, if kylian was there, you would be stood right beside him as if you were his right hand man- no, but you were.

his second mother, you were called; as sweet as he was, he was hardheaded and stubborn, and there was never a week that didn't go by where you weren't, even as young as you were, chastising him for having an unrelenting mouth or fisted hands. it was his nature, no matter how much you told him to stop and he vowed that he would, but it made him, kylian, so really and truly, there was nothing that could be done.

as you both matured, entered highschool with newfound tribulations that you swore you would conquer together, you began to realise that maybe, he had priorities that, inevitably, meant that your time together was diminishing. it was glaringly palpable, to him, to you, and everyone that was on the outside looking in.

but you could see just how much he tried balancing the two. football and you, occupied so much space in his life that dropping one would leave a gaping intrusion, begging to be whole again. so, after evening training, you two found yourselves basking in the soft buzz of the 20th hour within the confinement of your room, music droning in the back with a gentle hum. it was times like this that made you appreciate kylian; just a growing boy from bondy, fighting to make a name for himself in something he loved so much, yet still had time for you. his other half, as he called you. it made your heart swell everytime.

"kylian, i swear, if you've taken the last é-"

he was quick to defend himself, "look! i took e not é." he showed you the small bead and you hummed in approval. he rolled his eyes, "always quick to accuse me of shit."

you gasped, taking a pillow and throwing it his head. he screeched, quick to rip it off him.

"no swearing, you know that! my mum's gonna hear you."

he looked down, noticing that his efforts had been chewed and spat right back out, "[y/n], you ruined my bracelet!"

you shrugged, continuing yours, "sorry, not sorry."

his glare was evident in your peripheral and you tried to hold back your laugh.

"if this is so funny to you," he threw the empty threaded strand unto the carpet, "i'm not doing it anymore."

he knew he had gotten to you as he noticed your eyes widen, stopping the task at hand.

"bro! i'm not gonna have one then, that's not fair!"

he snickered, "should've thought about that first." his arms were crossed, smirking.

you debated whether or not to stop and leave you both bracelet-less, or sacrifice your dignity and apologise. in the end, the latter ruled the verdict; this was something cute that you both hadn't done in a while, and this ocassional get together was supposed to be fruitful.

"fine, i'm sorry."

he grinned, picking up the string once again to begin his, "there you go, wasn't that hard, was it?"

you gave him a look, muttering his words as you mimicked him before saying, "just continue the damn thing."

2 hours later and you were sure enough to say that your fingers were absolutely aching, kylian vocalising his pain. god, were his whines so irritating.

"kylian, please just give me your wrist," you sighed. he shuffled closer to you, arm stretched out. you tied yours securely, making sure to keep the word you had put facing down. you both agreed to make it a suprise.

with his tightly tied to your skin, in which he later had to loosen due to your discomfort, you counted down before sliding them against your wrists to see.

"chef? that's cute," you beamed. it didn't matter that you were younger than him, you were always telling him what to do, and he had always jokingly called you 'boss'.

he smiled back at you, but then it fell as he looked at his, "[y/n]?"

you struggled to hold back your giggles, "what? you don't like it?"

he looked at you from the corner of his eyes, "petit frèrot? really? out of everything you could've used, you used that?"

laughing, you gripped his wrist, turning it to look at it yourself, "it suits you, kylian!"

"i'm not shorter than you anymore," he whined. it was a memory he hated being brought to light; you always had an inch or two on him up until you both hit 14, and somehow, you remained stunted yet he had grown to be a whole head taller than you.

"it's for... memory's sake, ky."

"i don't want to wear it."

you frowned, "don't be stupid, kylian. you're never taking it off."

his tone is indignant, "don't be too sure about that."

+_-

it may be fraying and fuzzed at the edges. it may be fading, colours that were once bright and vivid now ghosted and phantom, but you swore that if it was ever cut off, it would be the end of you too.

yes, you both no longer talked. it was an occurence so vigorously impactful that even your parents had ceased contact because if their kids didn't talk, why should they?

you knew that with the life that kylian had planned for himself, as much you both ignored it, there was no space in it for you. he had to travel to play in clubs that didn't reside within the borders of paris, or even france. your academics strangled you with deadlines and projects that had you begin to fade into the distance of kylian's mind, so he couldn't take the full blame for it. you were the reason why too, and you wished you had fought harder to sustain such a friendship.

no hard feelings were established, you presumed. the drift was gradual and something that couldn't be helped. you knew kylian wouldn't hate you, and he knew you wouldn't either.

you kept your tabs on him, however. he didn't know where you were anymore, hell if you were even alive, but with a name as big as messi's and ronaldo's, you would've been living under rocks if you didn't know how he was fending.

once every few months, you search him up. you would see he was doing well, and you would smile, pained with nostalgia, fiddle with the aging bracelet that seemed to burn its imprint into your skin, and close the google tab. it wouldn't leave your mind for the next few weeks, but you didn't mind. as long as you knew he was okay, then you were too.

+_-

football, as much as it was your ex best friend's, wasn't your forte. you didn't know a single team to name, or a player that wasn't the two infamous rivals, so finding yourself, clad in the white jersey of real madrid was completely unusual nature.

"it'll be fun, [y/n]," your friend had urged. it wasn't the first time kalani had begged you to watch a game of her favourite team, but this time, you decided to give in to her pleas and see for yourself.

"sure," you stated dismissively. you needed these 3 hours to pass as quick as they could, essays weren't going to write themselves.

the stadium atmosphere was suffocating, to be entirely honest. it was filled to the absolute brim with the blue and white opposing colours, to which you had no idea which team the blue was supposed to represent. you were only here for support, not the experience.

you could see the players training and preparing themselves on the pitch, seriousness punctured with banter and playful chasing. it reminded you of kylian again. you smiled at that thought.

then, as if time itself were a blur, kick off had started and instantaneously both team were hungry for the ball. you were, of course, rooting for madrid, and everytime the ball was in their possession, couldn't fight down the urge to scream with passion. it was like football had ignited something deep and buried within you, and it took you back to the days were you were screaming for kylian to score until your voice grew hoarse and dessicated.

+_-

you didn't even support the damned team yet you were completely drunk off victory. won with 2 goals to your name and the smile that had found its way unto your and kalani's faces hadn't left.

in a haze of excitement and thrill, she had left you to go to the toilet. you had no idea where you were, and you thought the safest place to go was back to the entrance.

"fucking hell."

the stadium was bigger than you thought, and with your short memory span, you had found yourself lost. how you couldn't even get the exit was beyond you.

in the distance you heard a cluster of voices, and your brain immediately thought to go in that direction, where there was people, there was help. your steps were hurried, you're sure you looked absolutely frightened out of your mind, and you quickly take the sharp left, colliding into a body.

"oh shit- i'm so sorry," you hurried out apologies. the person in front of you was quick to stop you, "no, no, you're good."

you stilled. age did absolutely nothing to the distinct accent of his. and it's then you drank in the sight of him fully.

"kylian?"

his face morphed into one of familiarity and utter shock, then his eyes widened.

"no way- [y/n]?"

you airily chuckled, still stupified, "in the flesh, ky."

his arms were quick to take you in them, embrace muscled and strong. your arms wrapped around his neck as you swayed from side to side.

a cough from beside you dragged you both back down from your reverie.

"kylian? who's this?" their voice was playful and the man rolled his eyes, grinning widely.

"achraf, this is [y/n], my best friend from early-"

"until you ditched me."

"i did not," he defended.

achraf chuckled, "won't be surprised if he did."

you laughed wholeheartedly, kylian groaning at his two best friends tag teaming against him.

"you two literally just met," his gaze was on you, fully coming to terms with the fact that you were standing right in front of him. no longer 16, but now 8 years later, unrecognisable but in the best way possible.

"how did you get here?" achraf asked, and you grinned sheepishly.

"got lost. i came here with my friend to watch real madrid and she ditched me to go to take a shit or something, i have no idea."

kylian huffed at you revelation, "siding with the enemy, i see. i thought you were my supporter."

you tried not to react to his words, but the growing seansation of butterflies made you feel nauseous.

"suck it up, ky. don't be a sore loser," you jeered, punching him softly in his arm.

he raised and eyebrow, "i guess i'll leave you here."

achraf was quick to deflect it, however, "no you're not. you're going to help this young lady and see her out, kylian," he tutted, "be a gentleman."

you smirked at your best friend, "listen to him, ky. he has wisdom to share."

he kissed his teeth, turning around to walk away. you grabbed his wrist to stop him, "okay, okay, i'm sorry!"

you laugh, squeezing his flesh as you felt something thin line his skin. you looked down and the sight of your sentiment, its state just like yours, left you breathless.

"you still wear that little bracelet i made you?" you couldn't stop smiling.

he looked at you, straight in your eyes as if his following words weren't enough. he needed you to feel the genuineness of it all.

"i could never take it off. it's like my good luck charm."

chef- boss

petit frèrot- little bro

[milk-ducts]

I'm so glad to have encountered a fellow Cecil stan. I freaking love coming up with headcanons for Cecil, platonic or romantic, because he's such an interesting character. For real though feel free to dump any Cecil headcanons (platonic or romantic) on me anytime.

AWAAAA!! YES HAII OTHER CECIL AFICIONADO !!! im so glad theres more of us sprouting out here. my wife is so underappreciated, you have no idea how much he means to me. i'd love to req n swap headcanons anytime !! I have so many thoughts on that morally ambiguous gilf.

[messy, disorganized surface level autism rambling ahead. this will be just random scenes and characteristics i like of him]

BUT YES .. cecil's character is just so interesting to analyze. he does unethical, necessary things. But he doesn't subscribe to idealistic notions of "the greater good" or justifying his actions to make himself sleep better at night. He knows the harsh reality that someone has to make the difficult decisions, no matter how unethical. The psychological toll it takes to calculate how many civilian lives can be spared, and how many are inevitably lost in order to achieve the optimal outcome. He doesn't celebrate after victories like the other heroes do. After the dust settles, his mind is already racing - calculating, strategizing how to prevent future catastrophes. How to minimize casualties next time.

his methods are...questionable,, as ive said,, but there's a hint of nobility to it that just makes you respect him, A SHADY GOVERNMENT CHAR that does the dirty work and takes in all the heat for it so no one else has to? SIGN ME TF UP! i love exploring his character and all the little glimpses of humanity we get to see from him,, especially with debbie, SO SOFT FOR HER, there's so much depth there. that old fuck would MOVE mountains for her if he could,, TRUST. EVEN though he doesnt deserve her .. <<

LETS CONTINUE TO CIRCLE BACK TO S1 with his confrontation w Nolan in the desert, the way he entrusted his survival to the skills of his team operating that teleporter watch (I'm aware he can control it himself, I think this was just my interpretation of it since the employees seemed directly involved here). The margin for error was nonexistent. One miscalculation, one millisecond too slow, and Cecil would have been reduced to a red smear across miles of sand. MY WIFE HAS BALLS ON HIM. (also love walton goggins breathy lil giggles here .. hwaghffhh)

All this, All the whilst Nolan could have ended him with a casual backhand, as easily as swatting a fly. And for what? For humanity's (mostly his) right to know the truth. For Debbie's right to understand what she had truly married because Cecil respects her that fucking much for her to have a part in all of this, and what fate may lay in store for her son.

AND what I particularly liked about that scene is that unlike most SHADY GOV CHARS ™.. Cecil isn't afraid to regularly place himself in life-threatening situations, and for that im just.. FKING obsessed. finally. a hyper competent gov char that gets shit done and occasionally by his own hands instead of always puppeteering in the shadows. Love u .. love u honey snooch, please stop putting yourself in danger for your crazy alien side-hoes .

but ahem ... back to s2.. and some flaws of his that i'm not afraid to point out. the way he's been treating mark is killing me. manipulating my son by comparing him to his dad then keeping him on lock by saying he's not like him??? The breadcrumming definitely didn't work out at all, cuz Mark is too damn stubborn to continue to be swindled by fear tactics he does not give a shit for anymore (homegirl DEBBIE taught him better) hes not gonna listen to a cranky skullet-having side bitch of nolans who clearly has been tryna manipulate him since s1. i HATED how he went "ur broke tyrannical bitch father felt the same way" in the last minute when mark tried to leave earth and yet i still lobve ceci cause ough,,.. my bastard wife knew something was probably up.

Him wanting to keep a short leash on MARKY could be summed up after all that has happened in s1. i'm not going to justify his scummy manipulations or paranoia,, especially after all the shit mark has done and endured to prove himself over and over again that he's not like his father BUT its somewhat understandable for cecil 2 be wary if you look from it in his perspective.

moving on from that, lets dive back into ep 2 ..

Debbie was semi-right in her deduction in s2 ep2, that this is what it's really all about for Cecil - being in control. Not of any situation, but of Mark. To ensure history does not repeat itself in the form of Mark becoming another Nolan. imo He likely doesn’t actually view Mark as his father, Not saying the possibility of it being a part of Cecil's subconsciousness is out of the equation but the way I see it? He was just exploiting that one weakness, that one insecurity Mark has - the fear of becoming like Nolan. And it’s a fear Cecil seemed to prey upon to keep Mark under his thumb and in the fucking GAME.

awaaaa :3 !!!! psychologically damaging teens by comparing them to their abhorrently shitty fathers !! FUCK YOJ STEDMAN (love you snookums..)

,,,,I'd also like to think in my warped deluded perception (aka hcs) that he sees Debbie in Mark, so he can't help but care for the kid too. IVE ALWAYS seen a lot of comparisons between Mark and his dad, plus the whole motif of this new season hasn't helped it allay. But Debbie and Mark share so many similar characteristics as well and i wish that was talked a bit more often &lt; 3 (I will go in depth about it at a later post.)

n umm like ...,,, bck to cici in gen. I guess the safety of earth is one of Cecil's redeeming qualities along with his compassion for side characters like Debbie. His pragmatism and utilitarianism define him. He lacks normal morals but has his own code that cultivates to his character. this ramble could not do justice to him ughfglg..,, what a compelling jezebel.. how can u captivate me so !!

My inbox is always open to discuss this multi-faceted rat man. here's to more cecil content in s2..,... hopefully with more of his dynamic with Debbie because I LIVE for that shit. though its unlikely their interactions could range to anything positive now since they may be hinting to cecil becoming an antagonist and/or taking extreme measures w/ mark. soo.. i dont think debbie's scolding was enough for that slut 2 take in ..

in the mean time i'll be catching up on the comics/re-reading them, look up more of his backstory and hopefully create 10 novels worth of google docs of analysis' of his character < 3 cuz .. he means .. that much 2 me.. and i want to prod at every crevice n brain matter he has inside that megamind head of his .

((hwaghhhhhh << hoping that one day the discord moots ive been keeping in my basement and most invincible fans fall victim to cecil stedman propoganda.. no one should be immune to my girlboss and his awful skullet.))

[ahoppingmagician]

Nope

Alright, Viv just stop this train wreck, pull the plug, change your name and move to a mountain in the middle of nowhere. his woman is fully grown and I won't coddle her like the rest of the world.

Warnings: SA and Racism(If you aren't in the right head space please don't read these sections or this post)

SEXUAL ASSAULT

Alright, let's start with sexual assault. It shouldn't be treated like a joke or erotic because it's not. What else can I say to get it through people's skulls that SA isn't funny or sexy? If you truly need a post to understand why it's not acceptable, you are dangerous or too young to watch this show. This 30-something-year-old knows it's serious, but chooses when it should be taken seriously depending on her twink of the day. (You don't pick or choose when a topic is serious Viv, but go off)

Also, she needs to give things warnings, like I did for this post, for people to be

Happy

Healthy

Safe

Is it more hassle for you? Not at all. Will it be mentally damaging for the viewers? Yes, because you didn't warn them like a responsible creator about something they might have lived or have similar experiences with being shown on screen.

Goofy Rant

Now I'll brighten the mood by being a hateful bitch.

What is this plot? seriously how did we start with a hotel and then get to a threat of war between heaven and hell in like six episodes. That alone is two seasons, never mind every character's trauma, and other people that want the hotel cast dead, oh yeah and backstories for most of our cast...im six episodes.

VIV SLOW THE FUCK DOWN

If you have to cram every major plotline into your story then you failed. What she should of done is trim the fat off this burnt peice of bacon. Get rid of the Vees because they are pointless to the other plots or maybe the angel demon war because why would this show need it, or all the unfunny jokes.

Characters are shit adjacent but is that a surprise to literal any...wait her rabid fans. If your a fan of this series for god knows why then good for you...unless your a FAN fan. I have many words to say to them but that's for another day.

Edit: (Didn't even fucking know I posted this today, so sorry, onto racism)

RACISM

Now I am as Caucasian as can be so maybe I shouldn't speak on this, POC let me know if I can or if I should just shut up and let you do it.

I don't know much about voodoo/voodou, but I do know that it is a practiced religion, not a vibe VIV. You can't add a different religion to this show because it's a CHRISTIAN show, it explores the faults of God's judgement, heaven, and hell. Also, voodoo/voodou shouldn't be used as "evil" magic because we aren't in the 1900s to early 2000s anymore VIV. Also, you know it's a heavily if not completely black religion.

Alastor, Husk, Velvette, Emily, and Sera(Millie from HB aswell) don't look black. Now maybe I'm an asshole for this or even racist but where is the textured hair, like box braids, dreadlocks, afros, afro puffs, or just curlier hair in general. Why aren't you exploring the trauma that Alastor definitely went through because he was a biracial man in the early 1900s which could easily explain (not excuse) his behaviour, you could have a nurture versus nature theme.

Nifty feels...weird to me. First of all an Asian woman in the 50s who seems to have been raised or travelled to the USA, again racist trauma and all that being completely ignored. She feels like a stereotype, between the constant cleaning, obsessive behaviour, and her erratic behaviour. It feels like the crazy Asian woman stereotype.

Alright, that's it for right now, Have a wonderful day or night and wear whatever because it's all about your comfort because the world if making my own sanity crumble.

[turnin9pag3]

sigh.

i think im a james potter kinnie in the most shameful way possible because yes i relate to being social and having lots of friends but more than that i relate to feeling like you’re constantly doing either too much or not enough and people lose interest in me and i feel like shit because what did i fuck up but then i go and loose interest when i know its not that persons fault i just cant help myself but to hate everyone because i hate myself. and like james im too loud all the time so much so that when i finally decide to be quiet i have people shoving their concerns down my throat and i dont know how to appreciate it when all i want is to be left alone. lately ive been feeling like there something misplaced in me because all i want is to spend my last week of school with my friends and be happy and enjoy my time but all i can think about is i dont want to be here and i dont want to be touched and i dont want to see these people because these people keep talking and my head hurts and my eyes hurt and im feeling dizzy and none of this looks real anymore and im not sure what to do with myself anymore. and i would hate to hurt their feelings because its truly not their fault but like i said theres something wrong with me. i think im just a rotten soul and im fucked up in way unknown to most. as james would, i feel judged after everything i say and i feel ridiculed for every decision i make and i feel like they dont want to listen to me at all they just keep me around to have someone for themselves and a part of me knows thats not true but the larger part of me wont let me fully believe that. and i feel like james in the way i dont know how to do anything casually and i love with my entire soul but i hate with my entire soul too and when im in something im fully in. and its such a fault to have because i like people more than people like me all i just end up hurting myself because as much as i tell myself im not i think i still like that one guy from august and my miss my best friend when i cant call her that anymore and the girl ive known since 2nd grade is barley answering my texts and summer is coming i feel like everyone is going to forget about me and what if i forget about everyone and i dont want to be forgotten. and i feel like james because i feel overbearing when i ask to hang out with people and annoying. and i feel like im being made fun of every time i speak and i have to pretend that it doesnt bother me but it does. and im like james because all i want is someone to talk to and thatll listen to me but i know how hard it is to stay attentive when i talk because i talk so much about stuff no one cares about and i try to hide it but it hurts more than id like to admit because everyone cares about what they have to say and i sit and i listen but when i talk they leave the room or change the topic or turn up the music or outright tell me they dont care. joke or not it hurts. like james i spent most of my childhood being told im too loud or too intense or talk too much or too chaotic or too dramatic or talk too fast and like james i think no matter how much confidence i fein in my teen years ill never grow away from the 6 year old girl that everyone called a psycho because she had emotions too big that she didnt know how to deal with yet and they wernt her fault. it wasnt her fault she got her dads anger issues and tendencies to scream or her mothers ability to feel everything twice as strong as she should. and now im 15 and its still not my fault but ive suppressed it so far im not 100% sure how to feel that deeply anymore.

[hiroshotreplica]

im sorry you probably dont want this in your askbox but i dont really think it makes sense to talk about madness and leafi the same way for a lot of reasons. Idk maybe im just seeing a transgirl getting relentlessly dogpiled because of old screenshots and having an over-empathetic response but fuck man she was 13 when those screenshots were taken. Shes not even 18 right now shes crazy young for her level of play (like literally should be community banned for lying about being 13 for multiple years during splatoon 2 to get around discord community guidelines but thats a tangent). She said in her apology she was trying to fit in with a real shitty group of people she doesn't associate with anymore and fuck man im probably giving herself way too much grace cause i seeing a terrifying exaggeration of something i went through on a public scale but like people are editing HER face onto memes and talking shit about HER and constantly misgendering her when madness is not only an actual adult but has been ACTUALLY DOING THIS SHIT RECENTLY. im not saying the shit she was saying wasnt heinous but fuck man this isnt gonna help her and i dont want the dumass bullshit she said when she was a middle schooler to ruin the rest of her life. sorry for the white girl mental illness blast but there is important context in this ranty anxiety and projection goop

anon asked for a tldr for the situation w/ jackpot as a whole, which included leafi's part in the situation. as the post was about how jackpot as a team has made racist statements. i chose screenshots that put my point clearly, which just so happened to be screenshots with madness and leafi. i'll go more into it here, though

i did not mean to compare her to madness when including screenshots of her old statements. i was compiling the most blatant screenshots from the thread i had originally linked in a prior post. i was going to include other things, but didnt have the time to compile them and was beginning to get stressed about being the source of this info on tumblr.

i was also going to include this video of her saying racist statements in 2024, but i didnt want to include a twitter link for an anon that couldnt access twitter. im realizing i shouldve done so

i do feel bad for her getting involved with a group of people THAT bad if she was truly that ignorant when she was younger, but thats where my sympathy ends. she still acted racist and still associated with clearly racist people even when she was older and more mature. ive learned since making that post that she was born in 2007. 16 is still an age where you should be mature enough to understand that those comments are racist, even with america's shitty public education system glossing over racism.

i definitely see why this can look like people dogpiling on a trans woman though, and the people doing memes and editing her into them in general about this situation are disgusting. i had no idea she was trans and that people were misgendering her. anyone making this situation about her being trans are awful and not people i stand by.

but all of that, including her being skilled despite her age, still doesnt forgive or erase her actions. nothing like that does for the other members of jackpot that have also stated racist things. nothing like that does for any other comp splatoon player that has said anything similar. the apology she put out was needed, but from what ive heard from others, it wasnt the best. she is writing another apology, though, so it couldve just been rushed.

no one has to accept her apology, either. as a white person myself, im not one that should even be one to accept her apology. it wasnt an apology for me, and it isnt one for you, either (if you are white as you say but i might be misreading). people should not be painted in a negative light for not accepting her apology even if it were an amazing one.

the way some people are reacting to this situation is not okay, but she still did awful things that she should be held accountable for. the other guilty members of jackpot are not better than her, but theyve all still said fucked up things. none of them have done anything to prove they arent racist, and theres only more evidence coming out that proves that they have been, so its hard to process at the moment.

could things change? yes, of course, but as of right now, leafi has stated racist things as recent as 2024 and put out a poor apology trying to defend herself. people are handling it poorly and trying to make it about her identity and making memes on it when it is not the right thing to do. these racist claims are being put w/ other racist claims made by other jackpot team members so it was included in my tldr post about the entire situation.

i apologize for poor wording in this, im not the best w/ these kinds of posts

[sockcanvas]

Honestly i don’t post here anymore but im going post my old quotev shit to feed tumblr LOL

you can find them all on quotev

2020 writing 🙁

Genre↳ Angst 

Pairing↳ Fyodor Dostoevsky+Reader

Trope(s)↳ One-sided Relationship 

Words↳ 502

❝if you thought that,

than you're a fool 

For believing that.❞

Simple minded, soft spoken, perhaps angelic at one point, is how you would be described. Even the blinding white snow that once piled a village in St. Petersburg couldn't be compared to how divine you were. Those were the words of mere illusion and thin consistency, that stringed from his cold lips. They weren't true, but they felt true. True enough for you to believe it. You held onto the string of words and baits of praises like a greedy, starving fish. There wasn't much you could hold onto at this point, nonetheless you became completely dependent on him. God knows why you still bother to stick by his side. It almost felt as if you were both strangers to each other. Yet you couldn't help but call him 'home'. Whenever he's near, it felt like home, no vacant unfilled halls bothered you more than a empty bedside.

"Fedya¹." Your mouth opened to speak unconsciously as he hummed in response, not even sparing a glance at you. Instead, having his gaze glued to the screen. “What am I to you?" Without thinking of the possible answers that could come from the Russian man. Multiple of scenarios played in your head on his reaction, but with in due time, you could hear a low chuckle coming from him. 

"Why do you ask that? Lyubov moya²?" He responded with another question and a nickname. The nickname he gave you was only a sugarcoated lie but nothing was sweeter than his voice to when he praised and whispered sweet nothings into your ear. 

"..." There was nothing else you can properly reply to, he was logical yet sinister, some might say sadistic but that was just his ego. 

“Lyubov moya, are you asking if I love you?" Finally he turned his desk chair to face your figure. He has this sort of capability to read your thoughts like a open book. 

"By Love, you mean, the concept of affection through selfless actions?" Rather than a short harmless answer, he had to make it into a logical conspiracy concept relating to psychology. His violet eyes gazed into your own before closing, another chuckle erupted from his mouth as he hung his head slightly down with a frown. Dark yet memorizing plum purple eyes gazed coldly into your own dimmer ones. 

A sinister smirk morphed his expression, "You think that I can return those meaningless feelings of affinity?" He shook his head, frowning again. "Than you're greatly mistaken." His words dripped with venom, no matter how it hurts, it was too addicting to put a end to it. He called you a upright moron indirectly, yet you couldn't help but shed a tear. The warm glossy liquid dripped down from your cold cheeks. Without uttering a sound, you only whimpered and sniffled quietly, barely audible apart from the loud and quick typing from ahead. Perhaps you weren't meant to be after all, you shouldn't have stayed, you crawled to deep to climb out. 

Truly, you are a fool. 

Context

Fedya¹ | Russian Diminutive/Nickname for Fyodor

Lyubov moya² | My Love

[astroyongie]

i honestly feel like i was born in the wrong era. either im too old for something or someone or im past the point of being able to achieve something. then when looking at how all these kpop groups are so young yet successful and talented just makes me question why i didnt do something like that.

we didnt have kpop in my school time but why couldnt i have just picked something and stuck with it? on top of it i believe im never going to fit anyones ideal type so whats the point in existing cause no one gonna truly get to know me.

unless i can somehow pass away before im 50 then i dont have to continue to think about all this shit and how i shouldve done better or i shouldve picked such and such a career and i shouldve tried to put myself out there more but in my age theres really nothing out there to seek when its all handed to younger generations.

and i would want to have my own success based on my own effort but have fallen short in so many ways its impossible to not find something i could do about it bc im too far behind and it does get to a point where you think that it is too late bc in order to gain any talent you have to have done it from a young age.

i dont want to rely on someone else to do it for me but i couldnt do it myself due to personal situations. yet i feel like thats an excuse cause once again all these young idols seem to be ro have something about them that makes their life a success. like yes the end inudstry is far from perfect but thats what people have been seeking themselves so it cant all be that bad all the time for them if these groups including older age groups have went out got success and even they get all the benefits of the super rich lifestyle but at the same time money doesnt bring true happiness and it seems a very shallow way they live sometimes, they have a supply and demand contract with their audiences and rely so much on social media which although i use it im not attached to it and i cant relate to obsessing over latest dance trend. i also want to stop the woe is me narrative but its really fucking hard to not feel so ashamed, behind or negative about things.

the most advice people gove is bog standard like if ur bored, go out more but its hard not to feel left out, if ur loney go find someone, if u dont have an income go get a job its literally never that simple. even in education you still have to pay for it as an adult meaning you have to already have a job but even then theres still means of you getting misjudged for your age and classmates have already done that to me before it wasnt that fun. its like saying to someone depressed to go take medicine to take away the feeling.

idk what im doing anymore besides waiting to randomly pass away so i can be done with this shite. sorry for ranting so much but idk who else to speak too bc no one else never seems to understand my frustrations with the way things have panned out.

Comparing yourself to others people archievement is the worst thing you can do. because we are all different, we all go through different shits (just like you rightfully said) and not all of us have the same opportunities presented. beating yourself up for that is a cruel thing to do wishing yourself.

It does also seem like you struggle a lot with self worth, self love and that is probably because never once someone complimented you for the things that you have achieve (to this point were you believe you havent achieved anything).

Love, hatred that you carry is a motivator, and you need to accept one thing. as long as you are breathing nothing is to late to archive, as long as you are here you should be kinder to yourself. because why are you comparing yourself to idols? I often say this here but when was it the last time you appreciated life? when was the last time you went out, stared at the ocean, at the night sky, breathed into a forest, when was the last time you felt a sense of peace? seek that out. dwelling on what we could have been is cruel hun, and not helping you in any kind <3

its okay to rant, dont worry, I hope I dont sound to harsh either, its just that I pains me seeing you guys going through so much suffering when I promise you all, darkness cannot live without light. just find your way back to it, often you dont need a big reason. sometimes the most tiny thing can be a source of happiness, seek yours !