#just need to figure out what things would actually be useful for me to work on right this minute and then how to start them.
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At last, wars will be over and the fkin "democrats" will not pump people's money into other country's war just so they can watch from far away and play makeshift god. GO TRUMP GO COMMON SENSE FUCK LIBERALS
INT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT
DEAN and BOBBY are seated on tables, swinging their legs and looking bored.
DEAN
You sure you did the ritual right?
(BOBBY gives him a look)
Sorry. Touchy, touchy, huh?
As if on cue, a loud rattling shakes the roof. DEAN and BOBBY arm themselves with shotguns and take positions at the far end of the warehouse.
DEAN
Wishful thinking, but maybe it's just the wind.
The door bursts open and a handsome man in a business suit and trenchcoat stalks in CASTIEL.
The light bulbs above his head shatter in a shower of sparks as he passes them. As he approaches, DEAN and BOBBY both open fire, but the shots do not even slow him down. Dean takes the MAGIC KNIFE as CASTIEL gets close.
DEAN
Who are you?
CASTIEL
I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.
DEAN
Yeah. Thanks for that.
DEAN rears back and plunges the MAGIC KNIFE into CASTIEL'S chest and hits heart without any effects. CASTIEL looks down, unconcerned, and pulls it out, drops it to the floor. Behind him, BOBBY attacks; without looking, CASTIEL grabs BOBBY'S weapon and uses it to swing him around. CASTIEL touches BOBBY on the forehead with fingertips and BOBBY crumples to the ground.
CASTIEL
We need to talk, Dean. Alone.
END ACT FOUR
ACT FIVE
DEAN crouches over BOBBY, checking his pulse. He glares at CASTIEL.
CASTIEL
Your friend's alive.
DEAN
Who are you?
CASTIEL
Castiel.
DEAN
Yeah, I figured that much, I mean what are you?
CASTIEL
I'm an Angel of the Lord.
DEAN
Get the hell out of here. There's no such thing.
CASTIEL
This is your problem, Dean. You have no faith.
Lightning flashes, and on CASTIEL'S back great shadowy wings appear, stretching off into the distance. The light goes out and the image disappears.
DEAN
Some angel you are. You burned out that poor woman's eyes.
CASTIEL
I warned her not to spy on my true form. It can be... overwhelming to humans, and so can my real voice. But you already knew that.
DEAN
You mean the gas station and the motel. That was you talking? (CASTIEL nods.) Buddy, next time, lower the volume.
CASTIEL
That was my mistake. Certain people, special people, can perceive my true visage. I thought you would be one of them. I was wrong.
DEAN
And what visage are you in now, huh? What, holy tax accountant?
CASTIEL
This? This is... a vessel.
DEAN
You're possessing some poor bastard?
CASTIEL
He's a devout man, he actually prayed for this.
DEAN
Well, I'm not buying what you're selling, so who are you really?
CASTIEL
(frowning) I told you.
DEAN
Right. And why would an angel rescue me from Hell?
CASTIEL
Good things do happen, Dean.
DEAN
Not in my experience.
CASTIEL
What's the matter? You don't think you deserve to be saved?
DEAN
Why'd you do it?
CASTIEL
Because God commanded it. Because we have work for you.
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All Seeing, All Knowing, All Loving Part 14
Warning: Cringe texting
Summary: ^
Notes: I love you guys but I’m lazy for formatting don’t hate me (it’s better on ao3)
Word count: 1,204
ao3 link
Several things were becoming abundantly clear to you.
One, you wanted to fuck Ghost.
Two, Ghost knew this.
Three, he thought he had it in the bag. And that, you took issue with. You were going to fuck him, but you wanted him to work for it; you wanted him to be down on his knees begging.
How exactly you were going to achieve this, you hadn’t quite figured out yet. All you knew for sure was that your ego needed a little more flattering and that Ghost’s needed to be taken down a peg.
You had some vague plans, and one of them had come into motion the second you got a text on your phone from the man himself, when you’d woken up for the second time on Sunday, having already had one rude awakening.
‘Unknown Number: New number. Know you missed texting me. ;-)’
Thank God he hadn’t seen the desperation in your texts on his last phone. This was a chance for a clean slate.
‘You: How’s the photo capabilities on your new phone?’
‘Ghost: Dirty bird. I’ll upgrade.’
‘You: For pictures of Soap and Roach you pervert.’
‘Ghost: Sure love.’
God the man was smug. Although, the mere idea of pictures from you had him buying a whole new phone? He wasn’t shy about his desire for you. Not to mention, it hadn’t even been half a day since he’d left your home, and he’d already sent you a text from his new phone? He was definitely down bad. And you were going to take advantage of that. But, for now, you were going to play it cool.
‘You: Anywaysss! How did the medical go?’
‘Ghost: Fit as a butchers dog.’
‘You: ? Are butcher's dogs especially healthy?’
‘Ghost: Ours was. :-)’
That was new.
‘You: You were a butcher?’
‘Ghost: Was a butcher's apprentice before I joined the military.’
You wondered if that was around the time he’d taken the picture for his drivers licence. Simon Riley the butcher. Well, he could keep the moniker; you imagine he did just as much butchering.
‘Ghost: I can show you how to properly handle meat. ;-)’
Of course. However, there was something cute about the fact that he’d sent you another text after you hadn’t replied for a mere minute. Did he even know what double texting was? You doubted that; he didn’t even seem to know how to use emojis. It was fun to go back to a pre-emoji time, like a throwback to your early teen years.
‘You: Yeah, I bet you’re a master at handling meat. Twat.’
‘Ghost: Happy to show you. ;-)’
‘You: In your dreams.’
‘Ghost: Yes. :-)’
You needed to stop. Either he was masterful at drawing you into playful banter, or you were easy. Regardless, you actually had things to do today, so you couldn’t spend all day flirting with Ghost over text.
‘You: I’ve got to get ready to go out. Talk to you later.’
‘Ghost: Think of me. ;-)’
Incorrigible.
Now, it was time for the second part of your first plan. Today, you were meeting the girls in town for a little window shopping and coffee, which gave you a convenient excuse to get dressed up, and you thought you knew who would appreciate a picture of your outfit. You spent far longer than usual picking out your clothes, trying to find the perfect mix of slutty enough to tease him but not slutty enough that your friends would notice. It was a hard bargain.
You figured it out pretty quickly. You could wear a mini skirt if you just stuck a jumper and a big jacket over it. You put your hair up in a bun that took a deceptively long amount of time to look like you’d just thrown it up, with you having to repeat the whole process three times until you finally got something you liked.
By the time you’d got around to doing your makeup, you were already over it, still irritated by your hair's inability to behave, but you stuck with it, giving yourself winged eyeliner, and several coats of mascara. There was no way you were going to faff trying to do your lips, so you just stuck with basic lip balm to complete your look.
With everything finished, you went to the long mirror in your room, having to give it a thorough clean before you could actually take any pictures. Ghost was worth it, that was unquestionable, but it didn’t make it any less of a faff. You were already out of breath, and you hadn’t even really done anything. How were you supposed to get across a slutty vibe with plausible deniability? Upskirt shot was out of the question. For now. Instead, you went with a classic pose, standing in front of the mirror, hand on your waist, resisting the urge to hold it up in a peace sign, your lips slightly pouted. Of course, you took a good dozen photos so you had a good range to choose from, hemming and hawing over which one was best before you finally decided.
From start to the finish, the whole process had taken about three hours, and the entire end result was a simple text that belied none of your efforts.
‘You: what do you think of my outfit? :) (image)’
There was no instant reply from him this time. You frowned at your phone, but it didn’t summon a text from him, so you just stuck it in your handbag and pretended you didn’t care, as though that would make the time until his next message shorter. Never worked before, but never stopped you from trying regardless.
In the time it took for you to put your coat and shoes on, and give Soap and Roach enough fuss that you didn’t feel guilty leaving them behind, you actually did get a response. You liked that about Ghost. He didn’t fuck about with long waiting times. Well, except for the weeks prior, but that didn’t count; his phone was blown up.
‘Ghost: Let me take you out instead. Anywhere you want.’
The offer was tempting. But you weren’t about to ditch your girls for Ghost. Even if it did take every fibre of your strength not to.
‘You: N o. I’m not ditching my mates for you.’
‘Ghost: Tease.’
‘You: Am not! Was just showing my outfit!’
‘Ghost: You know what you do to me.’
Shit, you were going to be late if you kept letting him distract you. There was just something about texting him that made you feel like a smitten teenager again.
‘You: Going out now! Byeeee’
‘Ghost: See you tonight :-)’
‘You: ???’
‘Ghost: I’m giving you a lift home. Just let me know when you need me.’
Oh, you liked that. You hadn’t even kissed him yet, and he was already your personal chauffeur?
‘You: Fine, will let you know.’
‘Ghost: That’s my girl ;-)’
With that, you locked your phone and stuffed it in the deepest recesses of your bag, knowing that you’d succumb to the temptation of texting him all day otherwise, and set out to catch the bus into town, already running late.
#jack writes#ghost cod#simon ghost riley#simon riley#cod#cod fanfic#cod mw2#ghost mw2#cod fic#simon ghost x reader
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The Mask... Take It Off...
Pairing: Simon "Ghost" Riley x F!Reader
Summary - You ask Ghost to take the mask off.
Warnings - 18+ ONLY! Smut. Vaginal sex. Rough Sex. Unprotected sex. Creampie. Blindfold.
A/N - An old one shot I found in my backlog. Enjoy 💜
Word Count - 1.4k
The small room is filled with the sounds of heavy breathing, skin slapping against skin and soft moans. Each roll of your hips brings you closer and closer until you are teetering on the edge of what truly feels like insanity. Your body is hot. Pleasure is burning through every nerve in your body while sweat drips and runs down your skin; the taste of salt filling your mouth.
Ghost has been working you all night. Bringing you toward the edge over and over again, but never actually letting you reach it. You are starting to get the feeling that he does it because he likes to torture you.
His back is against the wall. While his hands rest on your thighs. Occasionally they move from their place to slap your ass or roughly play with one of your tits.
Those deep brown eyes of his, framed by equally dark eyelashes, watch you intensely. It’s the only part of his face that you can see. It’s the only part of his face that you have ever seen. Except maybe Soap. He’s always wearing a some sort of balaclava or skull mask. It drives you mad. All you want is to feel his lips and tongue on your skin. His lips wrapped around one of your nipples or his tongue lapping at your drooling pussy.
With how hot and bothered you are you have no freaking clue how he’s even still able to wear the damn thing. If it was you underneath that balaclava you would feel like you’re suffocating.
Out of breath, with your legs aching, you slow your movements down, but don’t stop completely. You lean forward and press your forehead against how, doing your best to ignore how much you hate the feeling of the material against your sweat soaked skin. Your hands come to rest on the tops of his pecks.
“Ghost?”
“Yeah, lovie?” he asks. His voice sounds strained. It comes as no surprise to you considering how hard he is inside of you. His cock twitching each time your walls flutter around him. He’s got to be as close to his own climax as you are to your own.
You hesitate for a moment before taking a deep breath and asking the question you always ask.
“The mask? Take it off? For me?”
You don’t expect anything to come from your asking. It never had done before. He usually flips you onto your front and fucks you into the mattress until you’re shaking from the after effects of your own orgasm and dripping with his. Before he unceremoniously pulls out from you and leaves you to deal with the mess all alone. Usually avoiding you for weeks afterwards until the next time he needs a release.
He looks at you for a moment, completely silent. There’s something in his eyes that you don’t quite recognise. It’s a long moment. One where the only things you can hear is your heart beat thumping in your ears and the squelching noise that your cunt and his cock make together sounds even louder than it did a few minutes ago.
He’s never looked at you like that before, you quickly realise. There’s no time for you to question it or figure out what that look means as he reaches for the bedside cabinet. Where his knife is laying. Ghost uses it to slice a strip of cloth out of the bedsheet and sets it aside. He brings the piece of scrap cloth up to your eyes and covers them, tying it behind your head.
You can’t see shit now, but you don’t question it. You trust him and that extends to whatever the hell it is he is currently doing.
“How many fingers am I holdin’ up?”
“The fuck am I suppose to know?” you whine. Your pace slows further and you can feel your incoming climax fading away. Your legs are really starting to kill you.
“Just checkin’.” He slaps your ass, hard. Making you yelp.
The next thing you know there’s a rustling and you hear something hit the floor. Ghost takes hold of your hands and brings them up to his face.
Holy fuck. He actually took his mask off for you.
Your fingers trace his face, mapping out every little detail you come across. You want to commit all of it to memory. While you can’t see him, this is certainly a step in the right direction.
Ghost has pleasantly full lips and a sharp jawline. Already you’re thinking about how nice it will feel to kiss him. Those lips moving with your own in perfect harmony.
You move away from the thought and continue your exploration. His nose is crooked and there’s a bump in the bridge from where it’s been broken countless times in the past. And you know exactly where his scars are from the way his skin is raised and rough in places. There’s not as many as you thought there would be. The biggest one that captures your attention is on the side of his face. Starting at his forehead, snaking just past his eye and down his cheek, toward his mouth.
None of them shock you. At least, not completely. And you don’t think that they take away from how handsome you think he must look.
As you’re tracing his face, you can feel Ghost shifting and moving beneath you, adjusting your positions slightly. Before you can ask what he’s doing he roughly thrusts up into you.
You moan loudly as your hands slide up to grip his hair. It’s a little bit longer than you were expecting it to be, but that makes it perfect for grabbing and tugging on. And you imagine it to be as dark as his eyes.
Ghost sets a hard and fast pace and builds your pleasure back up tenfold. Your moans quickly grow into cries as he fucks you. The grip that you have on his hair tightens as you desperately try to ground yourself. After being edged all night long you honestly feel like you might spontaneously combust.
Suddenly you feel as if you are falling. With another yelp, this time out of fear not surprise, your fingers leave his hair to grab hold of his broad shoulders as your heart skips a beat. Your back hits the softness of the mattress and, for the first time ever, his lips meets yours in a passionate kiss. Even now you take note of how this is your first kiss ever with him and it’s completely and utterly perfect. You moan into the kiss as his tongue pushes past your lips and into your mouth. He tastes like peppermint gum.
His pace remains just as relentless as before. The bed starts to creak with every thrust that he gives you. Your body jumps as the pad of his calloused thumb presses against your clit and he starts rubbing it in time of his thrusts.
All of that tension that has been building up inside of you all night long finally snaps. Euphoria rushes through every inch of you. Your eyes roll into the back of your head as your back arches and a wordless cry, muffled by Ghost’s mouth, leaves you. The feeling of your cunt squeezing around his cock has Ghost falling over the edge straight after you. His hips stuttering as his cock twitches and he fills your pussy to the brim, so that you’re overflowing with his cum. He collapses against you, his head resting in the crook of your neck.
With the absence of your bodies moving, the room is now only filled with the sounds of heavy breathing.
“Thank you. For trusting me, Ghost.” you finally say as you run your fingers through his hair.
There’s a pause. You expect him to pull away and to leave. Like he always does. But tonight is a night of firsts apparently.
“It’s Simon.”
It’s your turn to pause for a moment. A part of your brain almost has you looking at him before you remember the makeshift blindfold you still have on.
“What?” you ask, not sure if you had heard him right.
“My name,” he replies. “It’s Simon.”
You truly feel honoured by the amount of trust that he is showing you tonight. First with removing his balaclava and letting you feel his face and now with telling you his real name. You know that it must take a lot for him.
“Well, it’s nice to finally meet you, Simon.”
#simon ghost riley x reader#simon riley x you#simon ghost riley x you#ghost x reader#simon ghost riley smut#simon ghost riley x fem!reader#cod x reader#ghost x you#cod x you#simon riley x fem!reader
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Fadel and Bison Learning to Volley Affection in the way that only assassin (real) brothers (fake) can
the curse of being me is that I watch this show entirely with the lens that fadel/kant and bison/style are basically the same characters with a few key differences [like c'mon Kant's bg story is that he was a khun nu himself suddenly thrust into poverty and fatherhood to his baby brother??? its embarrassing how easy it is to watch the show in this way I think the show should make this harder for me] and it's in these differences that the compatibility of FadelStyle and KantBison comes in so strongly that it also kind of dooms Fadel and Bison to have ever worked as a pair even though that would be as far as I can tell Bison's ideal scenario?? [please his lovers in trenches fantasy is canonical the show is really just putting it all out there for me okay??]
And it's too simplistic to be an analysis and honestly largely based on my feelings but gosh doesn't it all boil down to how Fadel expresses affection and how that just doesn't work for Bison. I think Bison has had a lot of growth in understanding Fadel, I think Style actually helped with that. In fact, the biggest reason I would argue that the foil relationship runs in the Fadel/Kant and Bison/Style vein is because the brother's relationship got better when they started their romantic relationships. Suddenly, Bison realizes that he needs to ask things of Fadel and Fadel realizes that Bison needs a little softness now and then.
Fadel threatens Style all the time this is how they flirt. The way he shows affection stays the same whether it's Bison or Style. But Style was able to take it, he's able to volley it. When Fadel threatens to kill him Style comes back with a "well, make sure I look hot." when Fadel threatens Bison, Bison kind of withers a little.
I mean I don't blame him he is such a 'no thoughts just baby' of a man if I've ever seen one
[2 screenshots of Bison. 1st where he tries acting cutesy with Fadel over his stab wound and 2nd where Fadel shoots him down with a "Want another stab wound?"]
Bison's personality is just so ill equipped to handle Fadel's brand of affection it's almost hilarious because like he does the same thing to Style right before they reconcile hahaha
[2 screenshots of Fadel telling Style "I can be worse" and "You want that?"]
BUT! He's learning!!! After his initial frustration he does smile in this fond and exasperated way.
I screamed when I saw him share this moment with Style:
[2 screenshots of Bison telling Style like he's sharing a secret, "He {Fadel} acts all tough and rough on the outside but on the inside he's just a softie.]
Oh??? oh you understand this about your brother now??? You've only had like over a decade to figure this out about him and yet in Ep.1 you told Kant that Fadel was tough inside and out!!!! Why are you telling Style this as though he isn't the reason you even know!!! I think this has always been Bison's fundamental issue with Fadel:
I think he's just never figured out that Fadel loves him and worries about him? Poor baby, I'll never get over him asking Fadel to be his brother like Kant is with Babe. Fadel is already that brother to you Bison, what are you talking about 😭😭😭 I think their relationship with Keen has revealed so much about Fadel and Bison [because god forbid they tell us anything directly about their past] but Keen has struggled to be seen by their family, for his efforts to be acknowledged by Mother and by Mother's favorite (Fadel).
Bison's competence has gotten him a certain measure of respect from Mother and Older Sister (Fadel) but he too has struggled to be seen by them, to be taken seriously by them. Keen and Bison are more similar in their position in the family than Bison and Fadel even though Keen can't see it. But Bison can, and I would argue that Bison has always felt it.
It's not surprising that Fadel and Bison's dynamic shifts because Bison is the one learning to talk to Fadel, with jibes and threats and guns if needed
[screenshot of Fadel saying to Bison "You're turning a gun on your own brother for him?]
@mirmoria was extremely spot on when they said that this moment was never about Kant, it was always about Fadel finally listening to him and giving Bison his right to choose Kant's fate back to him. Bison has finally figured out what to do about his lack of agency in this relationship! Bison says as much too:
[Screenshot of Bison responding to Fadel with a gun pointed at him, "But it's my life"]
Anyway, with all of this new found understanding between them at no point in the story have Bison and Fadel been more primed to fall in love than right now, yes right at the height of their respective romances on the beach. And these are the kinds of earth shattering conclusions you can always hope to find in the stuff I write.
#once more with a stupid title#I bring to you#my feelings about The Brothers(tm)#the heart killers#the heartkillers#fadelbison
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oh yeah before i forget cute mttpoly headcanon because i said so: when killer finds out (through SOME way of means. he has his ways) that dust and horror like something then at every chance he can he goes and finds that thing for them :3 because I SAID SO AND IT'S CUTE ‼️‼️ (something something killer has no idea how to properly show affection and appreciation after believing his whole life was meant to cause pain and suffering to those close to him and now that he's trying he does silly goofy stuff like this hehe,,,,,,, dust is DROWNING in piles of fluffy blankets and books. horror cannot keep up with eating the amount of snacks killer keeps stealing for him 😞😞😞)
#this was inspired by when parents do this to their kids after finding out they like one thing and buying that thing over and over#thank you untitled29876011111 for helping me figure this one out ‼️‼️‼️ wasnt quite sure of how i could justify this fluffest 💀💀#listen untitled29876011111 gave a fire reason as to how this wouldnt be incredibly ooc and weird but anyways#i haaaave to add onto it and make it sillier by suggesting that this isnt even a conscious thought#killer just sees something that one of then would like and hes like 'hey dust and horror would like that'#and for SOME reason his body's already walking into the shop looking at the thingy 😒😒😒 he didn't do that on purpose#but hey hes here now........... and then killer steals the thingy and causes a massive commotion#i need to get to writing my mtt fic so that i can actually put all these ideas to use#a lot of my ideas can work in the context of that fic i just havent written it 😒😒😒😒#at first killer just started giving the thingies to hrdt casually but then horror started pointing out the stupid amount of stuff he gave#and then killer was like wait is this not good???? uhhh what can he do.........#and then he started Upping the dramatic factor by getting cards and chocolates and flowers and stuff with the gifts#(horror hated it (he preferred the older way killer gave them gifts) but dust was flattered (and a bit embarrassed))#killer's just glad to have figured out yet another detail about hrdt 😈😈😈😈 time to add it to his always growing list of things about them#AUASGAUXHSJZHAH MTTPOLY SWEET CUTE FLUFFY MTTPOLY ARE SO FUCJING STUPID#i NEED to study and analyze killer so i can come up with more accurate stuff than what i already do heheheehehe#guys this isnt ooc at all trust 😒😒😒 untitled29876011111 approved it himself and CLEARLY his opinion is very very important and peak#anyways back to drawing shitty horrordust (i must shower and brush teeth hehe) perhaps i will actually get a full night's worth of rest :3#tricule hc#YEAH THIS IS A HC THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN MY HEAD TRUST THIS IS SOOOO THEMMMMMMM#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#mtt poly#murder time trio poly#utmv#sans au
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Coding woes (Patreon)
#Doodles#Original#Ukadevlog#Bug testing sure is something lol#These are both problems I've figured out now luckily! And I did them on my own! :D Extra pleased with myself :3#My slightly cocky attitude of ''Well that was frustrating - luckily I'll never run into another problem again'' amuses me lol#'Cause in the moment everything's flying! The code comes together lovely and it's all great! And then I come up to the next thing#Something I haven't done before - something that there's no Direct how-to of how to do a thing#Like setting player-and-character pronouns! I didn't know how to do that! But I figured it out!! :0 What a rush haha#It really did take me an evening of knocking my head against the wall in attempts - I waaaayyy overcomplicated it to start haha#I was like - trying to set up a system that would call on specific pronoun sets individually based on player input#Ridiculous - so much easier to just slap some values into an envelope and have those tied to a specific shell lol#But that took all night! I got sleepy while working on it and even my drowsy brain was like Wait...what am I supposed to check against? Haha#Such a weird experience subconsciously as well :0 'Cause I had normal dreams that night#Maybe some slight code-adjacent dreams of A Screen With Text On It but that could be anything :P#Most of it was just normal dream melodrama - but in the few times I woke up to readjust or roll over or pull my blanket#It was juuuuust enough for my ''conscious'' brain to kick in and think about what to compare against - what structure would work#And so by the time I woke up proper I had to frantically write down a bunch of code in a spare word document so I wouldn't go stir crazy lol#Breakfast must wait! Dailies must wait! I Have to write this down!!#And when I implemented it - it worked exactly as I hoped it would and is much much Muuuuuch simpler to call upon haha#Wow! That was a weird fluke that definitely won't happen again! Haha#I don't actually believe that I just have no way of guessing which aspect will trip me up - This Should Be Easy! And then it isn't lol#Definitely didn't predict the second - Especially because other than a small roadbump of not knowing how to Shell-Switch (ty again Cherry ♥)#Everything up to then was going well and everything after that was going fine! Until The One Thing happened pffbtl#I wanted to assign a value to check if a specific piece of code was being called upon - basically a fork between two outcomes#That went fine! The value Was changing! But only the first fork was being called???#No lol I just didn't put the second = ugh pft - and what's more frustrating is that I'd been using == up to that point!! I'd been warned!!!!#I - for some reason - was convinced that using && would make the value check Only need to check If x = 1... That's not how it works......#It's an If statement! If x = 1 then why do I have to check IF x == 1! Just check!!! Hwagh rules and whatnot lol#Like I said it's all fixed now but sheesh! What a silly mistake! I knew better!! And now I double know better haha
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interesting to me how when i turned 19 i was kinda terrified bc i was like “oh shit this is my last year as a teenager….. i won’t be a teenager after that… i wanted to be a teenager for all of my childhood and now that part’s almost Over. aaaaugh” and now approx. 9 months later i cannot fucking WAIT to stop being a teenager oh my god i am ready to move on. 20s please i would like to be in them. i am done being 19 thank you !!!
#marzi speaks#it’s . probably bc of the vasculitis thing#which like. while it is a traumatic thing that i need to work through and plan on going to therapy about#it also put a LOT of things into perspective for me#and like actually i do not think i am afraid of growing up anymore !#i mean i still have like. the imposter syndrome and the fear of getting overwhelmed and falling behind#that’s not gonna go away overnight that’s been there for as long as i can remember#BUT!! i know deep down that i can figure it out now.#bc i figured out a lot. i figured out how to gauge my physical well being#i figured out how to be someone who can regularly make phone calls without crying#i figured out pharmacies. and i’m figuring out how insurance works#and appointments and withdrawing from school and reapplying to school#and all of the lifestyle changes that come with having an autoimmune disease#i’m learning self advocacy. i’m learning how to respond when people treat me poorly (always accidentally so far)#yeah getting my license has been hard and slow just bc i have all the anxiety shit about it. but i AM putting that effort in#i dunno it’s just. adult responsibilities are horrifying and the prospect of existing independently in our current society#is horrifying. and i think i’ll always be scared.#but i used to think i might not be able to handle it. that i would fall apart#i know now that i won’t. i will find a way to move forward and be happy. because that’s what i’ve always done#if i can take the scariest couple of months in stride the way that i have. then i think i can handle it#anyways. 19 was eventful enough can i be 20 now. i think being 20 would be good for me#still a Weird thing to think about. two whole decades. but like i can do it methinks
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need 2 find myself again in 2025 . tbhwu
#depression has hollowed me out in2 a shell of my former self#and i thmk i need 2 grit my teeth and just get over It whatever It is#recognizing its no easy task but also knowing i cant keep on like this#and allowing myself to spiral into misery thereby preventing any possible change or growth#sigh …. sogh .. i want 2 be a person again . picture friends circa 2008 outlining me in chalk. i want 2 know theres something there#how u ask (me asking myself)#idk but one way or anotjer . and not in that new yrs resolution fallacy way#anyways . anyways z . crazy how a week off from work will leave u feeling real again#i gotta get out of there . step 1😭🙏🙏#its especially hard when everyone arnd you is objectively doing better. partners finances purpose . >staring in2 the camera 1000 yd stare#u get thru the beast of being a teenager like thank god thats over and then b4 you even catch ur breath#your mid 20s are casting a shadow over u like some menacing thing and u have to gulp and say hes right behind me isnt he#i think people often like to give the advice that youll figure it out but it leaves me feeling so disquieted#bc its like sure im sure i will ive made it this far i can do what i need to get by when the moment matters#but it does nothing to assauge the immediate anxiety and feelings of worthlessness and lack of direction yk#goddmanit assuage i spelled it wrong everyone point and laugh#bc its like what if i dont and i mean that in a very like . existential & not material way . idk what im saying but i think thats the advice#i hate most . not sure if u have felt or do feel the same . -__- like yes oersonal experience sure whatever happens will happen and you will#simply adjust but will i ever feel like its something i want to experience/endure .#whatever anyways x2. im journalling i think that helps me the best rn . and its the one thing thats allowed me hope and i think#having that time to examine and mull over and deconstruct is rly helpful tbh. and i would like to think#over the long term i can repair my creativity and cultivate a new outlet that doesnt leave me feeling empty if i cant draw as i used to#yaar#i feel like i dont write for very long tho thats the one thing that kinda blows#two pages maybe and ive only addressed two maybe three points if im being generous lol i get so bored with the actual motion#when my mind moves 10x as fast . and idc for audio logs either ykwim.#ohh tumblr how i love u . tag system like no other
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post ankle-twisting clarity
#i slipped in the mudddddd the other day LOL i twisted my one ankle and scraped up my other knee#so the past few days ive just been kind of needing to waddle around.....#LUCKILY its healing well and fast <3 but yknow i was like#so stressed out over shit that doesnt matter in school. and like this is an awful unintentional habit i have but i will get like#overly stressed over shit and then i'll start getting SUPER careless with everything. and then i'll injure myself foolishly and Calm Down#happened last year with my foolish midnight woodcarving incident LOL its always november....#BUT yeah luckily this years foolish injury is a quick one at least!!#but yeah like genuinely i was so stressed out about all my fine arts major shit. teachers have been really getting on my case recently#my main professor said that it was a good thing people get so riled up with my work because it means its impactful#tbh i didnt believe her at all i thought she was just trying to placate me but then i listened closely to the things faculty say when#they look at my fucking. cartoon wolf drawing or something and i think. she might be right actually. people keep getting frustrated with me#because i think they see a lot of potential in me but i basically only have to drive to draw cartoon wolves etc HFKJSDHJVKRFEds#which is great for my ego. maybe too good for my ego. that my mark making and colour use etc is so evocative to these industry and#instutition people. but on the other hand i was told like thrice now that my work has no place in a gallery. which is fine although im not#totally sure how true that is. but also afterwards one time i was suggested to go into animation instead which is. um.#so its not out of nowhere i mean i did want to be an animator when i was like 10 but if you know anything about the current state of the#animation industry its like genuinely wild to tell someone who you've only seen 2 dimensional watercolour and acrylic painted#sketchy lined drawings from and who has said they cant do digital art anymore that they should get an animation degree?#brother they would kill me. i would be killed. i had an inkling but it really made me notice so clearly how limited the experiences my#faculty kind of have with certain industries. which is fine. or maybe not. for a professor LOL but yknow. but i was like huh. i guess i can#just kind of chill lol if i just keep doing things maybe something will come of it. i may not get as much help in my artistic development#rn as i would like. but its chill i think i'll figure it out if i just keep doing stuff <3#doesnt really matter that my teachers dont know what to do with me. my kneeeee has a booboo so i am CHILLING out :)
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#oh my goD could my mother stop stealing all my fucking stuff for even 1 fucking week jfc#im gonna scream#she thinks that bc she's the one paying the majority of the rent and is technically my caregiver bc im too disabled to do certain chores etc#that she is simoly entitled to everything in the apartment and can do whatever she wants#steals my food steals my drinks steals my products steals my laundry card etc#now she's stealing my clothes and pyjamas#the fuck dude#i have severe skin allergies and have very selective clothing i can wear w/o a painful reaction#and now she's just. taking that too#the same way she takes the select few foods that don't set off my issues or allergies and steals the drinks that keep my blood sugar up#and steals the unscented hypoallergenic products i have to use#it never fuckin ends this woman is so self-absorbed and arrogant i rly cannot handle it sometimes (most times)#the irony is that she's a teacher and regularly works with kindergarteners who can understand 'don't touch what isn't yours'#and gives regular lectures to her students of all ages about respecting other ppl's belongings and never assuming u can take something#gives a big ol spiel about attentive listening and boundaries and respect on a daily fuckin basis from 8 am to 8 pm for her 2 teaching job#then comes home and immediately disregards that to take everything that isnt hers / disrespect my belongings and space#and yell at me when i tell her not to / get mad at her for doing it#ma'am.#ur 5 yr olds understand this. so do ur 8 yr olds. u r 60 MF YEARS OLD WHY CAN U NOT COMPREHEND THIS#nah actually the worst part is that she *does* understand it. she simply doesn't care#she would never do this to anyone else just me. bc im disabled and a burden and she hates having me depend on her for things.#idk if its vindictive or bc she feels like i owe her for basic care and decency or if she just enjoys lashing out like a petty bitch#i stopped trying to figure it out a long time ago#all i'm fucking asking is for her to STOP STEALING MY SHIT#is that so much to beg for. is it#ugHdjddjsk#someone find me a wall i need to bash my head against it#(or maybe hers. that might be better)#ask to tag#negative
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Me> [struggling to unravel a very annoying UI bug]
My brain, entirely unprompted> H E Y. IF JAHEIRA HAD USED SOME MORE MINOR VERSION OF THAT RITE OF THE TIMELESS BODY ON RASAAD TO EXTEND HIS LIFESPAN, IT WOULD RESOLVE THE MORE FINICKY TIMELINE ISSUES ABOUT RION BEING THEIR KID.
Me> ...ok? I didn't ask right now but thank you for working that out I guess.
#bjk talks#i need some sort of ship name tag for them so people can ignore my ramblings about it XD#i loved astreamofstars's headcanon that rion actually is jaheira's biological kid and named for gorion#which in my worldstate headcanon would definitely make her also rasaad's#but given Rasaad is human and definitely seems at least in his thirties in bg2#and rion is a half elf but is definitely still a young adult which feels like she's 50 at most#the timeline gets funky bc rasaad would have been like 80 :P#which is like physiologically possible but unlikely in the normal run of things#i had been speculating that J originally researched the rite in the first place at least partly to extend their time together#and her dialogue implies she never figured it out completely (and also had more altruistic intentions for its use at full power)#but no reason that there couldn't have been some lower-level version involved#bc it's magic XD#and i can do what i want#anyway ty for coming to my self-indulgent ted talk#i need to start working on the next chapter of Open Your Eyes#ETA: zenjestrr just pointed out to me that as a monk Rasaad would have Timeless Body feature which simplifies things physiologically XD#yay DND#it's more complicated than just that of course and now i'm resisting writing a whole essay about jaheira's thought processes#XD
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i think i have to kill someone.
#WHAT.WHAT . WHAT. WHAT .#why would you bring something up from so long ago and then blame the (then) five year old . what . WHAT . HUH. weird. weiirrdddd.#so you knew? you knew? and instead of being like wow that's Not Normal you demonise the toddler that's probably...... idk.#kids don't Do That what a weird fucking thing to bring up out of NOWHERE just to immediately brush off#i think i have to kill you. i think i have to actually kill you now.#speechless. flabbergasted. i cant even talk about it its so WEIRD. CRAZY. CRAZY THING TO BRING UP#oh my god. if a child was being Like That i would assume the worst and insist someone look into thing and make sure the kid is SAFE????????#jesus. damn. what thebhhell. HUH. if its about what i think its about. it wasnt their fault? at all?#stuff Like This is complicated but jesus. JEEESSSUUUUUSSSS. dont even bring it up this late#if you KNEW. oh my god. IF YOU KNEW??????????#rant#oh my god. extremely vague do NOT ask About It i cant even. jesus. why would you keep something like that to yourself#or use it as 'gossip' or . whatever the FUCK she was doing???#idc if you have your own shit to work through. GROWN ASS WOMAN. you should've approached it with kindness and understanding? and figure out#if help was needed? its not my life its not my anything but that kid is my friend who i had to take care of instead of you FUCKING ASSHOLE#if i KNEW i wouldve at least tried to help. to understand. i hope you die a slow painful death in an empty room cause you cut everyone off#and then turned around to be WORSE . i'd tell you to killyourself but any possible method would avoid you like the damn plague#WOW. that was a lot my bad. pissed the hell off#you say shit about the kid that I!!! had to basically raise cause you were too busy being a judgmental piece of shit. ugh. grrr.#''wow thats so weird where did they even get the idea for that behaviour'' man idk but wasn't it supposed to be your job???? TO FIGURE IT OU#fuming whatever. whatever. none of this is news to me she's always been insufferable#rant .#vent#WHATEVER.#it was so long ago it just.#no reason to bring it up#but if you knew than you should've tried to do something#but you didn't. cause you're cruel and egotistical#and everyone you know hates you. and if they don't you take advantage of them.#what a woman. thanks for teaching me to go through the world with so much hate
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if i might bitch about work for a second: yesterday was hellishly bad despite being able to keep up with it and i found out that apparently our department made 4600 dollars yesterday which is making me angry beyond belieffffffff
#this is math i do fairly often bc i enjoy ho-hum math and hate my job and like#even if we took off 2000 bucks for overhead costs which feels excessive but i will concede it#that would be enough to pay everyone working a little over 860 dollars which is 300 more than what i make in a WEEK#literally WHEREEEEE IS IT WHERE IS IT GOING WHERE IS IT#i dont like following this logic through because on days where there are fewer orders we;d do less#and i disagree with gig work's implementation as ive seen it and i think that would stress people out worse than we already are#(which is significantly)#but at the same time. 850 dollars. i cant afford to buy groceries this week. 850 dollars...#can i get a BONUS or SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#it makes me soooo angry i was talking to one of the deli guys who asked for a raise and got denied mid-question#before our director accidentally showed him that their department is four thousand of gods own dollars under labor#its so revolting to me i talk to so many people in this store who are terrified because of medical bills or rent or car shit#half my department works two jobs just to get by and ALL OF THEM drive junkers#honestly one of the things thats scaring me about if i actually move out is that i do rely on...living with my mom#i pay for most of my own food i pay an absurd amount of rent to share a room with her but she's willing to drive me to work#even though i've offered to walk multiple times and she REALLY should prioritize her own time more#but at the same time...not having to pay for rides has been carrying me hard#if i got a car i'd be fucked because those things bleed money and generally ethically i disagree with cars#but if i dont its like okay pony up the money learn to navigate buses (except for sunday when they dont run) or get ready#to walk to your job where you walk all day and then walk home in the dark#which. i love walking. and listening to music on my own while walking. so bad example. but i also love not having my feet hurt#all the time always no matter what im doing which is something im becoming increasingly unfamiliar with#its like. ultimately. something's gonna get fucked no matter what#and then i hear a figure like 4600 and i remember how avoidable all of this shit is. how avoidable it is for ANY of us#our ceo is gonna walk away from this merger attempt with 5 billion dollars in safety-cushion money#the 10 top execs beneath him with 1 billion#and its just so. what can you even do. 5 billion. can a number like that even mean anything? how could you possibly need that much#850 dollars would be a lifechanging amount of money for me right now and im not even one of the worst off#its just. god. this world could be anything but what it is but its this and for what
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I wanted to make a cleaner summary of last week's classes and also review the classes I have this week since the material is already uploaded beforehand but I was feeling so horrible throughout the day that when I sat down I was just gonna look at the ones for tomorrow but I think I'm just gonna go to bed because I just gave my little numbers game a few tries and not even the joy of tribial elementary school-level math games is bringing my brain cells and/or full sentience back
#diary#accessing it through the CMD thing and not just running it from the IDE made me realize a few things about it though so I'll hav#I'll have to maybe jot them down somewhere when I'd normally just be rly excited and try to fix them straight away like I am truly fucked r#I do wanna make an eng version of it sometime soon so I can share it even tho it's literally the simplest little thing. it's fun if you're#an easily amused nerd that loves playing with numbers in a truly useless manner. if that makes sense#also very obviously text-only I am NOT torturing myself with any graphics of ANY kind rn#it closes immediatly as they do and also when it comes to having double/triple digit starting numbers it becomes a lot less fun I think tho#though I haven't used it much with those yet#I still wanna figure out a way of making it better when it comes to 2/3 digit starters. and my original idea included maybe keeping track#keeping track of how many steps you took even between different rounds but I made the simplest version for now. I also think making like a#''this was the least amount of steps possible!'' type thing would be very very cool but that is FAR too big brained for me rn#cause I can figure out how to do the record keeping thing but that last one is like. let's stop talking for a little while.................#oh but adding an actual interface sounds so fun even though I have very little clue on how to do that rn I could probably STOP typing becau#because I can feel my stupid ass self start getting excited about this which will make it so I start working on it instead of going to bed#NO. DOWN !!!!!!!!!!!!!! auhgh............ oh man I had a lame joke to make but I completely forgot what it was#I have coding class tomorrow in which I normally just do the exercises as fast as possible before playing around but the only Python editor#I could find installed on the school computers was Visual Studio Code and I have no clue how to use that shit like I don't need so many#so many buttons. probz. OKAY GOODNIGHT
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sudden realisation that the thing holding my art back is that I never had an anime phase
#going to find a time machine and get my younger self into death note or smth#I have been driving myself insane for the past few years bc I wanna draw characters but all I know how to do is portraits#I’m trying to figure out how I could recreate smth similar now and tragically I think it does just come down to draw more :/#however! I am also going to try using brushes which will be bad for sketchiness and better for lineart bc I might need to force myself here#I just gotta simplify things down to basic shapes how hard can it be#[has been thinking this exact thing for years and it’s not worked]#I am getting better every time I do stuff I’m just not satisfied bc art is frustrating when you know what you want but can’t get there#god it’s 2am I should not be awake rn but I could draw again tonight so I was taking advantage#endlessly frustrated by hair. why is it so awkward. I need to understand hair better how do I do this#i have a feeling it’s bc I’ve not figured out how to apply the shit I figured out abt volume yet#I’m also getting impatient bc I’ve been trying to do a study thing for some art styles but I decided I wanted to draw ocs instead of that#when I hadn’t gotten to the actually important bit which was. making smth new. but I can still do that#and I ended up doing a different style anyway (someone pls stop me rounding everything make me use high opacity square brush for my health)#the Other problem is I never wanna switch brushes. like I want to use one brush for whole drawing bc the extra clicks annoy me#I wonder if there’s a shortcut to swap brushes#anyway I’m gonna stop complaining bc drawing is fun but god I wish I’d drawn some more pokey mans when I was a teenager yknow#ideally younger. would rlly like to not have to actually think to figure this out rn#I’m probably overthinking stuff anyway honestly and I KNOW I’ll get it if I practice enough but goddamn it is hard to practice#especially when my me insists on making the bad things look better by making it more realistic#instead of figuring out why the shapes aren’t working#OKAY IM DONE WITH THIS NOW. GONNA TRY NEW ART THINGS LATER STOP TALKING <3#luke.txt
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FUCK i have to try and handmake the xmas cards for my aunt's family and my grandparents. so they can be sent out when we send out my mum's xmas package. I fuckin forgor. also. terrified they're gonna look like shit and get made fun of (family holiday tradition for many handmade things unless they're Up To Family Standard aka as close to professionally made as possible). but I can't afford to buy cards rn, not when Hallmark is like fuckin. six bucks a card and that's probably an out of date price tbh, they're probably more expensive since last I checked.
What if Housemate and I just went to live with the cats in a lighthouse and only sent out whatever we could as we could and ppl would just have to like it or lump it, and also the gov would pay us to keep up the lighthouse . what if
#text post#im slightly melting down and rambling ignore me#just need to figure out what things would actually be useful for me to work on right this minute and then how to start them.#something i tend to struggle with but it's fine. it's fine. everything is fine. they'll make fun of the cards but it's fine#bc worse would be them shaming me for not getting any cards sent bc then mum would get on me too and i can hear it already#'arent you grateful that we love and look after you so much? the least you could do is send a card. i guess u don't really love us or care'#but i do i care so much and I'm trying and i want to show everyone how much i care and how grateful i am for their help to keep me alive
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