#ideally younger. would rlly like to not have to actually think to figure this out rn
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sudden realisation that the thing holding my art back is that I never had an anime phase
#going to find a time machine and get my younger self into death note or smth#I have been driving myself insane for the past few years bc I wanna draw characters but all I know how to do is portraits#I’m trying to figure out how I could recreate smth similar now and tragically I think it does just come down to draw more :/#however! I am also going to try using brushes which will be bad for sketchiness and better for lineart bc I might need to force myself here#I just gotta simplify things down to basic shapes how hard can it be#[has been thinking this exact thing for years and it’s not worked]#I am getting better every time I do stuff I’m just not satisfied bc art is frustrating when you know what you want but can’t get there#god it’s 2am I should not be awake rn but I could draw again tonight so I was taking advantage#endlessly frustrated by hair. why is it so awkward. I need to understand hair better how do I do this#i have a feeling it’s bc I’ve not figured out how to apply the shit I figured out abt volume yet#I’m also getting impatient bc I’ve been trying to do a study thing for some art styles but I decided I wanted to draw ocs instead of that#when I hadn’t gotten to the actually important bit which was. making smth new. but I can still do that#and I ended up doing a different style anyway (someone pls stop me rounding everything make me use high opacity square brush for my health)#the Other problem is I never wanna switch brushes. like I want to use one brush for whole drawing bc the extra clicks annoy me#I wonder if there’s a shortcut to swap brushes#anyway I’m gonna stop complaining bc drawing is fun but god I wish I’d drawn some more pokey mans when I was a teenager yknow#ideally younger. would rlly like to not have to actually think to figure this out rn#I’m probably overthinking stuff anyway honestly and I KNOW I’ll get it if I practice enough but goddamn it is hard to practice#especially when my me insists on making the bad things look better by making it more realistic#instead of figuring out why the shapes aren’t working#OKAY IM DONE WITH THIS NOW. GONNA TRY NEW ART THINGS LATER STOP TALKING <3#luke.txt
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honestly the most tragic relationship in civzai/pmreader universe is yosano & reader and i will stand on that hill forever.
like originally i was thinking maybe they only rarely interacted while on tokoyami island, but the more that i thought about it, the more i realized that they probably did interact frequently. mori would've wanted his "immortal regiment" as soon as possible and to have it perfected, he needed reader's ability to be able to "heal" the soldiers' minds. so mori would've likely had yosano try to help her figure out how to work her ability. they would have been friendly enough with each other, the only two young girls in the warzone, both dragged into this war in some manner or another, yosano probably saw her as a younger sister tbh being 3 years older, wanted to help her as best as she could.
and then mori does mori things. when yosano's help doesn't give him the progress he needs, he starts using other tactics to try to get her to develop her ability in the way he needs. starts comparing her to yosano, starts holding her place at his side over her head, threatens to send her back if she can't be useful. all things that a kid in her situation would be terrified of.
and like you guys have to understand pmreader does NOT have a reliable narration of those years. like we'll see it in the canonverse & the civzai verse (which is actually what stemmed this post), but her memories of those years are very warped courtesy of trauma & mori's manipulation. it all happens directly after she watches her entire village slaughtered in the crossfires of the great war so she's already very unstable, and mori gets in her head VERY quickly.
so she thinks back to these years and can only remember the threats of being dropped back off in the ruins of her village & the way mori held yosano as a type of idealized figure that she'd never be able to catch up to no matter how hard she tried. "be more useful like yosano and you can keep your place here" and stuff like that. she doesn't have like ANY memory of the months yosano spent trying to help her figure out her ability, doesn't remember how she would sit with her for hours and tell her that she's making good progress even when mori would give that disappointed frown, doesn't remember anything because its all been warped and twisted by moris' constant threats and comparison. so naturally she becomes resentful and hateful about it.
meanwhile, poor yosano only remembers the 7/8 year old girl she tried & failed to help, couldn't do anything when mori separated them and turned reader against yosano. yosano got off of the warfront and out from under mori's thumb, but reader didn't, and yosano has had so much guilt over it for years, living in the what ifs and wondering what ever happened to her.
and obviously mori's manipulations of reader never stopped after that—probably gets worse, even, because he would lament losing yosano while keeping reader, would've preferred the opposite. so when reader and yosano meet again years later, reader immediately rejects and spurns her, and yosano is just soooo distraught over it like the one person that could rlly truly fully understand her rejecting her in such a manner HURTS. hurts even more when she sees how reader has turned out so similar to mori bc she still remembers her as the kid she was and failed to protect.
i suppose while we're on the topic - i always get a lot of questions about reader and mori's relationship. dazai kind of mentions it in 'i laugh like me again,' but reader has like undying loyalty toward him that he definitely doesn't deserve. as shitty of one as he is, he's the only father figure she remembers, she still feels like she owes him her life for rescuing her from the warzone and has a VERY intense complex of trying to make him proud of her. i wouldn't say that mori doesn't care about her, he does in his own way, but whatever feelings he does have for her are overshadowed by his ambitions.
anyway tldr: yosano and reader are tragic, and mori is a cunt. i feel like im missing stuff concerning reader's and mori's relationship but that wasn't the point of this post anyway maybe ill make it its own post
#ᡣ𐭩 pmreader universe#this all makes me want to explore what her reaction might be to finding out that dazai pretty much is holding atsushi against akutagawa#in the same way mori did with yosano to her#and also fun fact#it's not a fun fact actually its sad#bc canon pmreader mostly broke the cycle of abuse#but civzai pmreader did not#and she ends up holding akutagawa and klaus against each other in a very similar way that mori pit her against yosano
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mephiles 14 and shadow 20 (excluding rouge and omega) for the character asks? :D
Mephiles' fashion to me would b like. a LOT of very shiny leather, purple accents, and upside-down crosses. like a mix between matrix styles, futurism, and goth! i think the matrix and futurism makes enough sense, but the like ex-christian antichrist goth stuff is partly becuz hes supposed to look like shadow who would b SO catholic angst goth and partly becuz i feel like the music of 06 has a lot of motifs that kind of call back to church choirs and like. Mephiles' story kinda reminds me of some like. Disciple's righteous quest to end the world because of their misguided devotion. TO BE FAIR i have NOT finished watching the 06 longplay so im like. REALLY fuzzy on the details of the story, except for the basic parts everyone knows. so idk! i might just b projecting some of the good ol Christian Angst but. its rlly interesting to me!
as for shadow, i think its so so cute when he's friends with the younger cast, like Tails and Cream. i know it's probably not actually super in-character, but. [shrugg]. its also rlly cute when he's friends with metal sonic too.
tails is ideal because of his parallels to maria's design, and (assumed) personality. itd be interesting to see how those would affect his relationship with shadow in canon, and whether it would make them more or less friendly towards each other. also the conflict potential of shadow avoiding tails or treating him differently, and the way that affects tails who doesn't understand WHY shadow does that. also the fact that tails has clear interest in guns and weaponry that would make it very easy for him to bond with shadow over! also, it would b rlly rlly funny if tails started picking stuff up from shadow and began treating him like an older brother in ways he does with sonic.
cream friendship is cute becuz Older Brother shadow would 1. b rlly rlly sweet, its rlly funny to imagine cream and cheese hanging out w the Goth Kid, and itd b rlly sweet if he started hanging out w vanilla and Finally got to have a good parental figure in his life for Once.
metal sonic is good because itd introduce an interesting conflict between shadow and OMEGA. but also, shadow can kind of relate to metal sonic, in a way that he cant for a Lot of other characters. being a living weapon, feeling like theyre stuck in sonic's shadow or stuck being compared to sonic and it drives them mad to no end. being a creation by one of the robotnik's. and, depending when they hung out, there's a really nice parallel between metal being a robot created to feel Organic and shadow who's mind was manipulated to make him feel like a robot. even if shadows thing wasnt as permanent as metals, it still gives him a very unique perspective into the robot that no other character really has. it would also b funny if shadow begins talking about how he likes metal better than sonic. theres also a parallel between metal and shadow both having sort of "fail-safes" put into them, through metal's inability to speak and shadow being unable to remember huge portions of his life and how he Still has those amnesia problems. and the angst potential! OMEGA would b so mad! itd be a HUGE betrayal for him! and thats rlly rlly interesting to me and i think it has a lot of potential to be a rlly compelling plot device(?).
honorable mentions would b Espio and Charmy. same reasons as cream (silly, would give him a good parental figure by association, cute kid with goth older brother is a rlly good trope) but i also think that shadow and espio are kind of similar? in a way thatd make them pretty compatible. theyre both such. [waves hand]. Crossed Arms Scowl Autism? that i think they could potentially appreciate each other's silent, brooding company.
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idk if ur taking asks abt jjk but i was curious on ur thoughts abt gojo i haven’t rlly heard this around but i’ve been thinking abt the fact that gojo desire to basically indoctrinate children to fit his ideal sorcerer society is a bit strange and i saw this on your meta on how the schools only see these kids as tools but doesn’t gojo do the same idk my thoughts are everywhere and i get that gojo was raised in this system so it’s normalised in his eyes but idk gojo’s ideology is lowkey fucked imo and i was curious what u thought
I think Gojo is a product of the same society that raises up kids to be used as tools, and he unintentionally passes that lesson onto his students.Gojo knows that the system is wrong for using kids that way, but he’s such a fundamental part of the system, he doesn’t really know how to overcome it works inside of it instead. I think what he said to Megumi is pretty telling of how he treats these kids in general, he tells him you better get strong or else you’ll get left behind.” He thinks he’s teaching them what’s best, because that’s how Gojo understands the world works, but at the same time he’s telling a five year old kid if he fails to protect his sister it’s all his fault.
Gojo teaches his students to “get stronger, get stronger” as a response for all of their problems. He takes responsibility for their development as sorcerers, but nothing else really, and especially not their well-being as individuals. Gojo basically treats his students like mini-adults, friends he can pal around with, and that makes sense if you think about it, he’s raising them all to be political allies. He’s not really trying to raise a bunch of healthy adults. I think Gojo genuinely does care for these kids and stick out his neck to protect them, and his goal is entirely an altruistic one to prevent the childhoods of other children from getting destroyed like his did. However, Gojo is fatally a selfish person just like Geto is fatally selfless, he doesn’t offer help out of the goodness of his heart, he barters. He always expects something in return from these children.
So, on one level I believe Gojo yes is intentionally using these children. He only extends help when he gets something in return from them, his helps is always conditional on the fact that he’ll gain another ally. However, at the same time I think the problem more lies in the fact that Gojo doesn’t see individual people as individuals, and therefore doesn’t want to pay attention to the indivdual emotions of his students that he ends up using his students this way. He thinks it’s fine. This is how he was used growing up, but this time, Gojo is using them for good ends instead of a bad one.
I think Gojo’s inability to take care of their needs as individuals, especially attending to their emotional needs is why Tokyo Students are so strong indivudally, but weak as a group. Gojo’s only interesting in fostering their strength as sorcerers, not their emotional health, or their interpersonal relationships, because he doesn’t view those things as necessary. I mean he’s only had one best friend his whole life, and look at him, he’s fine.
To give evidence to my argument though, here’s a comparison between the Tokyo Kids and the Kyoto Kids.
1. Tokyo vs Kyoto
Gojo can be a fantastic teacher when he wants to be, but it requires him paying attention to a student’s individual needs, which he almost never does. When he designs a lesson plan raound Yuji, he does two things that make him better than most Jujutsu Sorcerers already. First, most traditional teachers teach that cursed technique is everything, and would have rejected Yuji outright. Whereas Gojo sees Yuji’s strength as a brawler. He’s willing to go outside the box, and buck tradition to focus on a student’s individual strength and emphasize those rather than telling Yuji he’ll never be a strong sorcerer without strong techniques. The second is he comes up with a method extremely suited to Yuji’s learning style.
However, I think it’s important to note that Yuji and Gojo are actually really similiar. He’s a really receptive student who hangs off of Gojo’s every word. For Gojo it’s like him teaching a younger version of himself, someone who believes that strength is everything, and wants to become the strongeste to be a pillar of support to others. You don’t really get good teacher points for spending the most time with someone who’s easy to teach.
And even with Yuji whose really really receptive to Gojo’s highly individual focused learning style, there are several things that Gojo just neglects to teach or even mention. Basic, fundamental things, that every sorcerer should know.
Nanami has to go out of his way to give Yuji the 101, because Gojo neglected to tell him all the basics. Children are smart of course, especially adolescents who are capable of thinking for themselves, but they also generally know what they’ve been taught up to this point. Yuji is a complete newcomer to the sorcerery world, it makes sense he’d basically be a blank slate having to learn all of this from scratch, but Gojo himself either doesn’t know this, or doesn’t bother with it because it’s too troublesome. He thinks of the kids as miniature adults so, it would make sense that he just assumes they know everything he knows already.
That’s the entire point of introducing Nanami into the story. Gojo teaches Yuji to be a better sorcerer, but not to be an adult, and it’s because he doesn’t really see him as a child to begin with. Gojo thinks becoming a strong sorcerer is the way to teach these kids to be good adults, but he neglects the emotional half of having to teach because Gojo doesn’t deal with emotions well. I mean, even in his training of Yuji, he designs a training method where Gojo doesn’t actually have to be there, and present with him most of the time. He can lock him in a room, and go run off to do Gojo things while Yuji teaches himself. As opposed to a mentor like Nanami who constantly watches and monitors his development.
This is where we start to get to the comparison with the Kyoto students. Because even in the creaive way Gojo taught Yuji, there were some things that Yuji just learned wrong, and internalized wrong from Gojo’s lesson.
Gojo explained the theory behind Yuji’s divergent fist, but Yuji learned it wrong, because he didn’t understand the way cursed energy flowed through the body. If Gojo was paying attention, he would have caught it and corrected it, but Gojo’s teaching style is sink or swim, let students learn or fall entirely on their own. Whereas, when Todo actually sees Yuji’s flawed divertgent fist, he’s able to point out the problem.
Todo actually acknowledges that there’s a difference between beginners and elite sorcerers, that their’s a learning curve to these things, and rather than leaving Yuji to learn it on his own he guides him through these things. While at the same time, expecting Yuji to figure out some things naturally. Todo never once goes easy on Yuji, I’d say his standards for people are as harsh as Gojo’s. You either learn it or you don’t. You’re either strong or you’re not. However, there’s a distinct difference between Todo and Gojo’s teaching styles, and it’s that Todo is emotionally intelligent, and Gojo is not.
Todo pays attention to people, he notices when they’re off, when they’re going through something, and rather than just ignore it, he almost immediately addresses it and tries to talk them thorugh it. It’s not perfect of course, but having his emotions paid attention to, helps Yuji develop as a person moreso than a sorcerer.
The Kyoto students have a teacher who pays attention to their individual needs. A teacher who actually teaches. While we may not know much about Utahime as a character yet, you can see the direct impact she has on her students compared to Gojo.
Gojo’s students are individually strong, but weak as a team,. Utahime’s students are much weaker individually, but can come together.
It shows both in the Kyoto Battle Event, but also the Shibuya arc. The Kyoto kids are all unstable it’s true, they’re all prone to lashing out, but because they’ve dealt with such dark emotions rather than repressing them they’re also way more capable of talking about their feelings to others.
Yes, the Kyoto kids don’t deserve to lash out at whoever they want. Yes, lashing out is a bad way to attempt communication. However, it’s also true that the Tokyo kids respond with what basically amounts to self-righteousness. The Kyoto kids are lashing out because they are going through something, because they’re suffering, yet the Tokyo kids don’t really try to understand those feelings.
Kamo was seperated from his mother at a young age. Maki left Mai behind in an abusive household. Nobara has never experienced the same abuse that Mai has so she’s not really in a position to judge which twin she thinks is the good twin, and which is the bad one. Mechamaru is chronically ill and in constant agony, and then instead of getting him medical help he’s just being used as a toy soldier.
So. The problem is. Gojo’s style of teaching. He wants these kids to be political allies. He wants them to try to make a better world than the one he experienced growing up. However, Gojo doesn’t really teach them to think for themselves. He doesn’t teach them to look at the situation, and the way the Jujutsu World is designed to manipulate and use these children.
Individual responsibiltiy is a good lesson to teach. Individual responssibility can help someone get over themselves and their issues and work towards self improvement, but it’s also, not the only solution. It’s also, impossible to overcome these circumstances all on their own.
Mai can’t be strong like Maki. She’s not weak for folding under the pressure of being in an abusive household. You could even argue that Maki isn’t stronger than her abuse, because emotionally she’s weak, she can’t even maintain a relationship with her own sister she has to cut herself off from everyone.
Kamo has to follow the clan’s orders, he’s terrified they’ll hurt his mother and he’ll never see her again. She’s actively being used as a tool to manipulate them.
Mechamaru is already strong as a sorcerer, that’s not going to stop the fact that he’s chronically ill.
Basically, in this regard Gojo’s students repeat what Gojo himself always says. “Have you tried getting stronger?” We can see why this approach doesn’t work with Kokichi, because he did do what Gojo would always reccomend. He didn’t want to burden others with his emotions so he tried to be strong and solve everything on his own, and that resulted in his death.
Think if Mechamaru had been supported. If he thought it was okay to confide his problems with others, if it was okay for him to be weak, and ask for help when he didn’t know what to do on his own.
However, when he tried to do that with panda he just got slapped with a “Your behavior is wrong.” It’s why even when telling people, especially children their behavior is wrong you also need to be sure to take care of their emotional needs as well. Especially teenagers, because teenagers are literally all emotions, they’re not minitature, fully-developed adults. Kokichi was wrong to lash out, but his emotions were right. He has every right to be in pain. When he’s told off, he also takes that as a message that he’s weak for trying to confide anything in others, that him complaining about his victimhood made him weak in the first place, so what does Kokichi do. He retreates into himself, he quiets down about his problems, he tries to solve everything on his own and he fails at doing that because you can’t. You cannot solve all your problems by simply being stronger than them.
Gojo’s students aren’t raised as emotionally healthy individuals, and because of that they also can’t really relate to the emotions of other people, especially the negative one. They are, strong willed individuals yes, strong sorcerers, yes, but they’re not really a team.
I think that’s illustrated in how they all fall apart in Shibuya. All of Gojo’s students basically make the same mistake, they don’t listen to the adults, they charge into battle because “I’m strong enough.”
Nobara, the adults literally all told you not to fight. Nobara: Nah it’s fine I’m strong.
Look at how Nobara loses. The second she starts fighting with Yuji as a team, she makes a sloppy mistake because she 1) underestimated her opponent and 2) was never taught how to fight in a team.
It’s not just Nobara though it’s every single one of them.
Yuji runs off on his own, fights on his own, and loses to Choso. Megumi suicide attacks to take down one (1) opponent whose just a regular curse user when he reaches his limit.
This is what they are all taught. They all have to fight on their own, be strong on their own, and if they’re strong enough they’ll win, if they’re not strong enough oh well. The Tokyo Kids genuinely like each other as a team but they’re always running away from each other. They all overestimate themselves and what they’re capable of handling and get in over their heads.
And it does go back to the Kyoto Battle arc, because the Tokyo kids are just as emotionally disturbed as the Kyoto kids, they just are repressed about it. Take Megumi for example, Megumi has been abandoned and neglected all of his life, and Gojo never really offered him any support or healing for that abandonment.
There’s no canon indication that Gojo ever raised Megumi or did anything with him other than provide for housing, and protect him from the Zenin clan on the condition that Megumi STILL BECOME A SORCERER, JUST ONE POLITICALLY ALLIGNED FOR HIM AND NOT THE ZENIN.
He didn’t offer Megumi a chance at a normal life, or even help him grow up as an individual because Gojo’s not interested in these things. Gojo’s help is conditional on the fact that Megumi work hard to pay him back, and reach his full potential as a sorcerer. As a result, Megumi is walking around with completely unaddressed abandonment issues as a result of never having a stable adult in his life, and this goes, completely unnoticed, which leads to him constantly risking his own life, endangering and harming himself. Megumi’s just as unstable as the Kyoto kids, he’s going to do something dangerous someday soon. It’s just Megumi’s been taught from a young age, he has to be the responsible one in his household, and he has to take responsibility for everything on his own by working to become stronger, and look like where that has led him.
Hmm, I wonder why Megumi always feels like it’s his responsibility to sacrifice, what could have possibly led him ot that conclusion? Why does he feel so responsible for the actions of other people around him? It’s a geuine mystery.
However, the Kyoto kids are capable of doing something the Tokyo kids can’t do. They can cry and be weak in front of other people. They can support each other as a group. Not only did they help Miwa at her lowest point, but Yuji would have given up, had Todo not shown up when he did.
Yuji actually wasn’t capable of handling it all on his own. He couldn’t defeat Mahito just by being stronger than him, or having a strong will.
Individualism like Gojo teaches is important, but it’s also incomplete. It’s only half the solution. The Tokyo kids need the camraderie of the Kyoto kids, the same way the Kyoto kids need to learn to take responsibility for themselves.
That’s why the Shibuya arc ends the way it does. The Tokyo kids failing as individuals, and the Kyoto kids coming together as team. However, since both sides only have half the answer, neither side is able to defeat Kamo Sr. totally.
However, Gojo’s mistakes are shown even more clearly after the arc resolves. Gojo doesn’t actually teach people to think for themselves, because he’s raising them up to follow his politics. Now, look at what his students are doing in his absence. Gojo wants to fix the broken world, but Yuji’s conclusion he comes too after suffering is that he doesn’t want to think about fixing the world. He just wants to become another cog in the machine.
What was the greatest mistake the previous generation made?
Geto. Not only in exposing him to the trauma of Riko dying in front of him. But also, offering him no support a year afterwards. Yaga completely neglecting him and failing to see what was going wrong. Then, when Geto finally did break, sending another student to kill him.
Yaga really can’t understand why this eighteen year old would hestiate to kill this other eighteen year old, that’s been his best and only friend for three years. Why is this child not comfortable with an execution mission? It baffles the mind.
Gojo, by failing to raise his students as emotionally healthy individuals repeats the same mistake.
Yuta and Yuji both don’t really care about the world around them, or politics. They don’t pay attention to those things, they weren’t raised to do that. However, now because of that, because both are willing to become cogs in the machine they’re both letting themselves beused right now.
They refused to think for themselves, so now the elders are manipulating them into a conflict against each other. Yuta because he doesn’t see the situation at large, he only wants to protect his friends. Yuji, because the only way he thinks he has value is by killing curses, he’s just going to keep blindly executing them until Yuta comes to kill him. Gojo’s students are divided specially because of that reason. They’re not together as a group, they’re just a group of particularly strong individuals, and Gojo never even thought that these strong individuals with no particular connection to each other might turn against each other. They might lie to each other. They might keep secrets from each other. They might fail to communicate. Because, Gojo doesn’t really pay attention to complex relaitonships like that. He’s only had his one friend his whole life.
Even though that’s also exactly what happened to his one and only friend, his emotional needs were neglected by the system around him until he completely fell apart. Geto and Gojo’s problem wasn’t that they weren’t “the strongest” when they were together. It’s that they were never “together” again after a certain point.
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hi all !! this is an introduction to my freshest muse and newest baby yeo eunchan otherwise and more commonly known as ‘chan’, he’s a sweetheart but of course because its me and i can’t resist giving my muses slight torture, he’s a tormented sweetheart. if you look at his pinterest here you’ll get an idea of his style better since that’s pretty essential to him as a muse in this case hshd. below the cut you can find out a bit more about him and if you hit the like, i’ll be sure to throw him at you for plots !! lets get into it:
BACKSTORY:
chan’s childhood wasn’t particularly dark or strained. he is by far the least tragic out of all my muses. but for me, that’s still pretty tragic by mosts standards. growing up he always had a very supportive father in regard to his homosexuality and androgynous qualities. he grew up in a happy home and despite not being rich he was very fortunate to have rich opportunities come his way. to be fair he’s pretty easily pleased but most of his experiences thus far have been plentiful
perhaps that is why his luck has to run out somewhere down the line, in the worst way it possibly could. his mother passed when he was young due to cancer. it was a grave and difficult time for his father as well as the rest of the family. his father crumbled eventually, in the hospital with health issues now that are so severe he’s due to pass any day and is basically in a vegetative state already. chan was left to raise his five year old sister nari and take on the responsibility.
for this reason, he could be considered a struggling single father as he’s pushing his own dreams and goals aside to accomodate for nari and make sure she has the best upbringing which is comfortable for her, where she can see chan as a father figure as well as an older brother now, who can be relied upon and responsible. balancing the line and the roles between brother and father isn’t always easy though when the lines are constantly blurred. he has sacrificed most of himself and his youth to keep nari happy and healthy and mostly untouched by the death of their parents.
this hasn’t been easy though, it’s left chan isolated and with no one to speak to but the five year old girl a lot of his feelings get locked in a box and left unexplored, he cannot have a moment of hesitation or weakness because then that will affect nari. his mourning process and grieving has been put on a backline, and he only really allows himself to break down in quiet moments without nari. such as when walking through the forest to be with nature, visiting their graves or on the edge of his bed having a good cry when nari is fast asleep due to the feeling of living in the empty space where his parents used to fill it all up.
PERSONALITY:
chan is a makeup artist, he does it professionally for models and artists all throughout the industry but he also does it for fun, becoming pretty popular as a person who gives tutorials on youtube and instagram as an ‘influencer’ but he really hates that label and prefers to simply think of himself as an artist. he also does the bit of fashion blogging and photography on the side.
he considers himself an adventurer and for that reason he also travels a lot, usually while he is there he’ll study as he does photography for a course as well as a part time student and his main interest is in ancient architecture and art. most of the time he’ll roadtrip in his styled up vintage pick up but occasionally its flights to more beachy area’s, his two favorite places are greece and italy and he spends most of his time in those places if he can.
chan has a very vintage sense of style and he enjoys doing most things the traditional and old school way. although he does add a modern mindset to a lot of it. aesthetically style wise envision chan as fingers full of plenty of rings, ankle bracelets and arm cuffs with loose puffy sleeved shirts and ripped up mom jeans or high waisted ones. he cycles mostly everywhere on his vintage style bike.
very much a gentle soul, little bit of a nerd and activist in the sense he wants to save the earth. he can be really intense about learning about nature and how to preserve it. he has always felt the most in touch with the natural world compared to the hum and chaos of the modern world and city life. he’s no saint of course and he’s still a sucker for coffee but other than that he likes to think he does his best.
paints and draws very amazingly likewise, he prefers to draw flowers and people the most but he’ll work with whatever he’s got on hand. usually you can only catch him whipping out a sketchbook if he’s feeling stressed or overwhelmed as a form of escapism and quiet time.
he is a little bit of a quixotic type so sue him, like one of the ‘have you ever fallen in love’ 'five times a day’ types but it’s not obsessive, it’s more of an admiration he considers all people beautiful and worthy of love in their own way and would state most of them are art to him. you could be the worst person and he’d be all ’ you dont have all the facts’ 'which are?’ 'i love them’.
although he doesn’t identify as genderfluid, he has a very genderfluid and androgynous sense of fashion and often wears clothing and makeup typically labelled as being more feminine. he likes a soft and classy look that usually consists of a good lip tint or ultra glossy lip and a natural but glittery smokey eye look. think kinda like the instagram influencer ivanbaaaaah for reference.
MISC:
growing up chan struggled with religion a lot, he and his family are very religious but his sexuality caused some issues. his father had always been supportive but his mother was a different story, unfortunately his memories with her aren’t the fondest. though he has a very dark history with religion, he loves to be in churches that are empty or abandoned for moments of reflection. often he wonders if he doesn’t even have god as the one consistent and reliable thing in his life, then what the hell does he have. he feels even now sometimes that he’s letting god and his mother down for the way he is but there is less shame now than what he suffered when younger.
everything in his life basically revolves around nari, she goes most places with him and any task he’ll find a way to make fun for her, he doesn’t spoil her but he also doesn’t ever leave her to go without even if that is at his expense to do so. they love to bake together and he does that pretty often.
has a part time job as a barista on night shifts and also in a patisserie. he works from home on his influencer content again to accommodate for nari and he also takes his course in photography and media online to best suit nari so he doesn’t have to leave her with a babysitter too often as he believes that’s no childhood and him just being lazy in his duty towards her as her parental figure at this pivotal time in her life.
he’s putting off most of his dreams and aspirations right now for until nari is older, he could’ve been much more famous as an influencer but he chose not to be and put those opportunities to broaden his career on hold for a while because having a famous sibling in her life wasn’t the kind of overwhelming attention and pressure nari needed to be surrounded with right now.
he honestly just wants to make sure nari grows up feeling safe, comfortable and happy as well as confident in herself and chan. she’s his primary responsibility and he considers himself her closest bet to a father now so he wants her to feel she has that bond with him as well as the bond of him being her brother.
PLOT BUNNIES:
a babysitter plot would be great, someone who he can rely on and uses often to leave nari with when he has no other choice and particularly on nights when he has to work. ideally it would be someone nari felt very close to and idolized so he knew they had an amazing relationship and she’d be happy and relaxed when he was gone. he’s very over protective of her so he’d also have to feel pretty close to the person. it could go any way really, it could be a pining thing, a best friend thing, whatever honestly.
this boy definitely needs a confidant so throw that at me any day.
friends who can help him reconnect with religion and spirituality in different ways so he knows there’s always a way for him to feel tied to god somehow and a god who loves him and best suits his needs somewhere even if it isn’t necessarily in the religion he grew up with.
work buddies at the cafe he works in or patisserie would be amazing too.
maybe a tutor/study buddy kinda person he met online through doing his course of media and photography to make sure he was making up for the classes he was missing out on by not being able to attend day lectures in college.
just people with the similar hobby of photography would also be awesome or models even that he can do a couple of freelance jobs for on the side when they need him.
muses for him to draw they’d be very special people indeed bc chan will rarely whip his sketchbook out in front of anyone let alone ask to draw them.
more single parent muses would also be awesome eventually or older siblings who kind of take on that role half the time so have some idea of what its like who he could meet through taking nari to things like nursery, etc.
neighbor bc who doesn’t love a good single dad and his neighbor plot who’s all like woah that guy is super young and he has a kid but im also sure there’s no woman on the scene and wow they’re noisy and its kinda infuriating but its also cute as hell cause he’s a hella good dad and in the mornings i can hear them baking and doing food fights or playing together and i often see them messing about coming back from grocery shopping etc and actually its kinda touching??
gay pals cause we love gay pals as well as ur everyday pals we love a platonic bond between fellow gays.
love interests of any kind rlly, pining situations, crushing, flings, ex’s ( they’d have had to have ended on good terms tho bc chan just can’t hate anyone ), first times e.g. sexually, boyfriend, kiss u get the idea
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…And I won’t tell your name… Do you have a name? Well of course you do! What is it? Stephanie. Do you like your name? Sure. Does it relate to you at all? Uhh. I mean, it’s been my name for 30 years so I guess? Do you know anyone with your name? Yeah. I also used to know a few growing up, there was like 5 Stephanie’s in my class. Are you named after anyone? Apparently there was some cop show in the 80s with an actress named Stephanie that my parents watched. *shrug*
If you could change your name, it’d be: I’ll keep mine. …And you’re livin’ in a world that you’re best forgotten around here… How would you describe yourself? A depressed, sensitive, moody, awkward, shy, introverted, non-functioning, mess of a person. How would others describe you? Yikes. I don’t want to know. When you die, what would you want to be remembered for? I’d like to contribute something useful to this world in some way, but I’m just wasting away doing nothing. I haven’t made any impact. Be honest; do you feel like a lot of people know the real you? No. What person in your life do you envy most? Some of my family members. …What you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful… Are you confident with yourself? Nope. Is it easy for you to get a date? * Its kind of hard, if not impossible, for me to get anything when I rarely ever leave the house :’) <<< Same. I don’t try or put myself out there in any way either. I’m also not attractive and I’m just a mess of a person. No one wants to date this. What physical feature about yourself do you really like? My hair when it’s been recently dyed and the color still looks nice and the roots aren’t showing. Definitely not what it looks like now...yikes. How about dislike? Everything. When people tell you you’re attractive, do you usually believe them? If they say I look nice or pretty or whatever I think they’re just being nice. It’s been a long time since anyone has said something like that. I’m an actual hot mess, soooo. Do you mean it when you tell others they’re good-looking? * Yeah. However, I dont often comment on anyone else’s appearance <<< Same, actually. If you were an animal, what would you be? A doggo. What cologne/perfume do you wear most of the time: None, currently. What’s your hair like? Trash. I’m finally getting it done next month, though. It’s been over a year since the last time.... :X Describe your figure in 5 words only: Thin, pale... that’s all I can think of. Next time you look in the mirror, you’d write these words on the glass: It wouldn’t be anything good. …And I’ll become what you became to me… Who do you look up to the most? My mom and my younger brother. What is that person like? They’re the complete opposite of me. They’re outgoing, funny, intelligent, hardworking, driven, strong...people gravitate to them and want to be their friend. My brother is going to do big things with his life, I just know it. What are they in relation to you (friend, mom, dad, sibling, date, etc…) I already answered that. Do you think you could answer almost any question about them correctly? I think so. Okay then…what’s their favorite color? My mom’s is purple and red and my brother’s is teal or aquamarine. What’s their greatest talent? They’re both great cooks. What do you have in common with them? Some TV shows, movies, music, our love of the beach, etc. What’s something you totally disagree on? Hmm. How long have you known him/her? (if you do know them) I’ve known my mom for 30 years (all my life) and my brother for 20. Do you have a significant other? No. What about a secret crush? No. What’s their name (or first initial)? What’s their best physical feature? Best personality trait they have? If there’s isn’t a “special someone”, what’s your ideal “special someone”? Someone patient, understanding, kind, caring, loving, loyal, etc with a good sense of humor. Someone I can be myself/feel comfortable with. Someone I can binge watch shows, play board games, and be silly with. Someone who just gets me, ya know? What attracts you to somebody? Initially, it’s physical attraction. A good personality as well. I’ve also developed feelings for some people who I wasn’t initially physically attracted to that became attractive to me if that makes sense. Sometimes, too, you just vibe with some people and just have that connection. There’s a lot of factors. What’s a name you like for someone to have? I don’t care what name they have lol wth. That would be weird. Like, sorry, I’m only attracted to guys named Alexander. Do you feel comfortable around the gender you’re interested in? If I like them then I feel nervous around them. Like, the good, butterflies in your stomach type feeling. Who’s one person that you wish you had a relationship like? There’s this YouTuber/ASMRtist that I watch named Gibi and she and her husband are major couple goals. I want the kind of relationship they have, it’s a lot like what I described. …Gonna let it slide… Did you like this survey? Sure. I dig the Goo Goo Dolls lyrics, too. What question was hardest to answer? Easiest? * I didnt rlly find any of the questions to be too hard to answer, but maybe questions abt my personality or how other ppl viewed me, or when u asked me to describe the ppl I look up to. As far as the easiest…my name, ahah :’) <<< Sameee. Are you good with music? What do you mean? All of the labels were from lyrics to song by one band. Which band was it? I already said, but the Goo Goo Dolls. Do you like that band? What’s your favorite song by them? “Name”, “Iris”, “Better Days”, and “Slide.”
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cute nickname asks: **all of them**
angel - what’s one character trait you like about yourself?
uhhhh like physically or personality? bc there’s not anything i can think of lol.
doll - what’s your favourite outfit?
at the moment, i rlly like dark or red clothes. sometimes light colored clothes if i’m wearing something black with it and i can match another thing of the same color. i really like baggy/loungy clothing but rn when i’m feeling Particularly femme i like wearing my black skinny jeans with a pink turtleneck and black wedges, a kinda dark plum thin turtleneck sweater and black wedges, or a red turtleneck with red converse or black wedges. (can u tell i like turtlenecks). otherwise i like wearing oversized shirts i stole from my brother, the windbreaker i stole from my brother, jeans or joggers (that are my own), and converse (i like my boots but it’s too warm for them now). i also like wearing jewelry. i think i look better in gold than silver but i have a lot of silver jewelry i rlly like as well. the two things that i always wear are the gold mini hoop earrings i got when i was a babby and the silver heart ring u gave me freshman year.
pumpkin - what’s your favourite weather and why?
i like when it’s nice out bc i like going out on my deck and laying in the sun. i also like when it’s nice but not too nice bc that means there won’t be kids at the playground i like going to and i can go on the swings
baby - what makes you feel better when you’re down?
idk i don’t rlly do anything to make me feel better… i’d like to say listening to music, but all my playlists correspond to my mood, so if i’m sad i listen to one of my many sad playlists bc listening to happy music will just make me feel existential. i do have one “listen to this 2 make u happy” playlist but that’s rlly a small pick-me-up for something very minor.
sugarpie - what’s your favourite sweet treat?
i don’t have a favorite bc i don’t actually like sweets all that much. i do like those chocolate cookies with white chocolate chips. when it snows i like making that canadian maple syrup snow candy. i think the closest thing to a favorite “sweet treat” would be chocolate chip pain au lait.
kitten - are you a dog person or a cat person?
cat but i like dogs too
princess - if you could live in any other time period, which would it be?
relive the 2000s but as a teenager
peach - what’s your ideal aesthetic?
oversized black clothing (with tucking in ofc bc i always tuck everything in), chunky boots… comfy goth basically
darling - what romantic gesture makes you feel the most loved?
this isn’t rlly a romantic gesture but i feel rlly loved when i have long and not necessarily deep conversations that just go on and on. i also feel particularly loved when i’m just remembered??? idk. once freshman year i took the bus home on a wednesday and a guy i was friends with (not into or anything) was like “????? why r u here u said u have speech and debate on wednesdays” and it was something i had mentioned weeks before and i was just so surprised and touched that he remembered something miniscule like that. wow none of these are romantic gestures. i think it’s that the things that make me feel loved aren’t rlly romantic gestures.
button - do you have a type? what is it like?
i recently realized that i miiiiiight have a thing for ppl that aren’t necessarily younger than me just younger/youngest in comparison to the people they’re around. i also thought that i can’t possible have a thing for tall people because that’s just evryone, but i notice that,,,, idk,,, i find it more with people who r like tall tall and not just taller than me or average height.
sweet pea - what’s your favourite flower?
i like hibiscus flowers bc they’re a perfect biological model for parts of a flower.
petal - what’s your favourite smell or perfume?
i currently use a perfume that according to the internet “has a variety of spicy and savory notes, almond, vanilla with raspberry,” however i rlly like jasmine and i kinda wanna try ylang ylang. but i think i rlly like savory scents like spices and candles more.
sunshine - what’s the nicest compliment you’ve ever gotten?
ghfhdgfdgj i LOVE when ppl compliment my hair when it’s curly i love it so much and when they compliment my haircut i’m like “!!!!!!!!! thanks i did it myself!!!!!!!!!” nd they’re like “!!!!!!wow!!!!”
baby girl - how do you like to be held?
okay first of all the nickname for this one rlly came for me like that hhf. nd uhhh i rlly like being held tightly around my waist and hips. whether it’s spooning nd there’s an arm around my waist, or sitting together and a hand around my waist and holding my hip…… i lIKE FEELING BIG HANDS ON MY WAIST OKAY hfjgd. nd i like when i’m “lower” like i’m laying against someone’s chest…. i just like feeling small nd tiny uwu….
lover - how do you show someone you like them?
i’m a shy bitch honestly the most i do is reciprocate when u show me u like me bc i hate making the first move.
buttercup - what does/would your online dating bio say?
“call me cold bitch cuz a bitch cold” idk something that makes people go “what the fuck” and message me because “what the fuck”
boo - what’s your dream date?
idk whatever u want
cupcake - if you’re treating yourself, what do you do?
i don’t like treating myself bc i always feel guilty abt it but the one thing that never directly makes me feel guilty is facemasks
wild thing - what’s something about you that surprises people?
i say Fuck. people think i’m too small and cute for that.
bubba - tell me a funny story from your childhood.
i gave my fourth grade teacher SUCH a hard time. not bc i was a bad kid or anything, i was just…. unique… and put him in a lot of tough situations. once, a kid in my class was pointing to a dictionary in our reading corner and telling me and another kid “owo this has a bad word in it” and we were like “?????? no?? it doesn’t?” and he kept insisting it does and we kept insisting it doesn’t and he underlined with his finger and said “look: d-i-c” and we were like “dic??? dick?? dick isn’t a bad word??” and he was like “HJGFJSDFJ omg stop saying it” and we kept insisting it’s not. so i called my teacher over bc he’s an adult and he knows everything and tells him “____ is saying dictionary has a bad word in it. he says that dick is a bad word,” and i still remember the pained look in his eye when he realized he had two options: reprimand the kid in front of us and also tell us Not to say that, indirectly teaching us a bad word, or lie to us and reprimand the kid in private, also indirectly teaching us a bad word. so, he lied. at the time, i mistook the utter agony in his tone as he said “dick is not a bad word” as disappointment for the kid telling us false information, and not because i gave him one of the hardest decisions of his teaching career and he had to tell two nine year olds “dick is not a bad word.” i remember how smug and prideful i felt that i was right, that dick is not a bad word, that ____ was getting punished for lying to other students about bad words.
honey - what’s your favourite hot drink?
chai
love bug - what song would you love to have sung to you?
i either want to be held close as serendipity is sung to me or someone to spit fire at me with p.a.c.e or better yet double not bc i think i need someone to tell say “yeezy” and “like mate, stop procrastinating” within twenty seconds to me
cutie - what’s your favourite fairytale?
wow um,,,, i was never really a fairy tale kid?? my mom just kinda handed me harry potter and went “figure out the big words urself.” the closest thing to fairytale that i like is how i go BUCKWILD whenever i encounter biblical allusions, especially to genesis. like if there’s imagery of apples AND snakes??? FUCK yea that’s tasty
dumpling - what’s your favourite movie right now?
i’ve never been able to choose a favorite. my top have always been 3 idiots, lion, english vinglish, the martian, and bird box
my love - what would your dream home be like?
idk,,,,, whatever u want as long as there’s plenty of natural light and plants. oh and i also want 2 grow local plants to reduce habitat fragmentation and in the space that isn’t used for that a functional kitchen garden.
dear - pick whatever question you’d most like to answer!
well i already answered ALL of them soo (i hate u)
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BTS Intro Post
Title; BTS Intro Post
Genre; Info(??)
Type; Intro Post
Group/Member; BTS – OT7
Authors Notes; Enjoy! I’m soo terribly sorry it’s so late! Hope it’s what you wanted!! 😊 Also this is a rlly rlly long post with lots of facts and photos so um ye...have fun. Tbh all this post does is just prove what a big ‘ol piece of trash i am because 95% of these facts were from memory, I typed all dis shit out guys...im fuckin dead now. These are all facts from websites that I remember, certain nicknames are not necessarily what I call them but some dso. kbye 😊 x
{Requested}
oKAY SO SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, AND GET YO FEELS READY FOR BTS AKA BANGTANSONYEONDAN AKA BULLETPROOF BOY SCOUTS, AKA BEYOND THE SCENE, AKA THESE 7 DORKS WE STAN FOR SOME REASON!!
First up is Kim Seokjin {Jin, Jinnie, Mamma Jin, Princess Jin, Eomma/Eomma Jin, Pink Princess, Eat-Jin, Third Guy From The Left, Car Door Guy, Mr Worldwide Handsome, Seokjinnie}. Jin is the oldest brother, the oldest hyung in BTS and is basically their mother and let’s be honest our mother too.
Some facts;
Born in Gwacheon, Gyeonggi-do, South Korea – it looks like dis;
He’s got a papa, mamma, and hyung
He majored in film at Konkuk University
BTS be placin’ him as #1 visuals…I mean…he is gorgeous
He has the longest legs & widest shoulders (60cm)
He does this “traffic dance” which is adorable and you should go check it out, you won’t regret it
He speaks a lil Chinese (Mandarin)
Lil Jinnie usually cleans up the dorms (because he’s literally bangtans mum)
He also rlly likes Disney princesses which is adorable
He’s a v v good cook and has said he’s happiest when he’s with food (relatable jin m8)
Fave number = 4
Fave colour = blue (used to be pink, I think he still has a soft spot for it tho)
Fave weather = spring sunlight
Jin started playing Super Mario at like age 5 and Maple Story in Seventh Grade (Year 7) and he still plays them 😊
When he’s hungry his left eye blinks a lot
Fave foods = lobster, meat, Naegmyun, chicken, and greasy foods
He’s friends with Jin Hyosang (Kidoh) from ToppDogg as Kidoh was under Big Hit Entertainment but left in 2012 and switched to Stardom Entertainment
His role model is T.O.P from BIGBANG (same boi, same)
He has lots of Nintendo games and Action Figures
When he was younger he wanted to be a detective
He wears rlly strong prescription glasses but doesn’t like wearing them because he’ll become insecure (I think we can all agree that Jinnie bean would look absolutely adorable in glasses??)
He has a cute lil dog named JJanggu
He likes Alpacas
Jin can play guitar and piano
He says V is the member he’s the closest to
Jin says if he’d get a day off he would want Suga to be his servant so he an order him around
If he were a girl, he said he would date Jimin because he is shy and someone like Jimin would help him open up and be social
Jungkook and Jin bicker a lot, and a taxi driver once thought they were twins because of their nonstop bickering
He likes strawberries but not strawberry flavoured things (yO SAME THO)
He makes a lot of dad jokes (goals)
Suga is the only one who doesn’t laugh when he makes dad jokes
Jin said that looking at bugs isn’t scary, but if they get on his body, that’s rlly scary
He dieted for a year, only eating chicken breasts ☹
He is friends with B1A4’s Sandeul, they even went to an amusement park together
He’s also friends with VIXX’s Ken and Lee Won Keun
Jin sang the OST of “Hwarang” alongside V, which is Part 2 – “It’s Definitely You” (can find it here)
He was casted in Law of the Jungle in Kota Manado but left earlier than the other cast because BTS had an abroad concert that time
After BTS attended the BBMAS (Billboard Music Awards), Jin got a lot of attention (internationally) for his v good looks
Other members about Jin;
Jimin; “He’s the oldest, but he likes to whine” [after school club] / “He’s like a grandma”
Jungkook; “Jin-Hyung looks manly and he’s chic like a wolf but personality-wise, he’s carefree so he’s sloth-like (laughs). He’s really nice and he’s also a good cook, so we call him ‘granny’ between us”
Suga; “A wolf”
V; “Prince”
J-Hope; “A princess”
Jin’s ideal girl is a girl whose looks and personality is similar to that of a puppy, who’s hood at cooking, kind and takes good care of him
Summary; Literal princess, BTS & army’s mother, loves food and cooking, a beautiful man wHO NEEDS MORE RECOGNITION PLS AND MORE LINES ISTG I WILL WALK ALL THE WAY TO SOUTH KOREA FROM ENGLAND ALL THE WAY TO BIG HIT AND DEMAND THIS SHIT
Okay so next up is my ultimate bias (in case you couldn’t tell) Min Yoongi {Suga, AgustD, Yoongles, Min PD, Syub Syub, Motionless Min, Genius (self-proclaimed but I can reveal that this is a true fact m8), Min Monarch, Min Suga, D Boy, Sub-Energy}. Yoongi is the second oldest in BTS and probs the most savage human upon the planet, he often seems like the grandpa of the group but he can also be kinda childish and lively sometimes ^_^
Some facts;
He was born in Buk-gu, Daegu, South Korea – it looks like dis;
He has a pappa, mamma, and hyung
He attended/attends Global Cyber University
Yoongles is usually in charge of fixing the things Rap Monster breaks. He changes lightbulbs, fixes the toilet etc (handyman ayyee 😉 )
He is like the father or grandpa of BTS
Although Rap Monster revealed that he sometimes acts like a 5 yr old (same m8, same)
He usually scolds and nags the younger members when they make mistakes
Yoongi chose to become a rapper after listening to “Fly” by Epik High
His role models are; Kanye West, Lupe Fiasco, Lil Wayne, and Hit Boy
He has a driving license but doesn’t usually drive
Yoongi loves to play basketball and when he was a trainee he played basketball every Sunday
He is quite blunt and straightforward, a trait of many ppl from Daegu
When he was younger he wanted to be an architect
His hobbies include reading comics, basketball, playing games, and taking pictures
He writes/composes lyrics daily, and even writes lyrics when he’s in the waiting room, car, or even the toilet (dedicatioooon)
He wrote the song ‘촣아요’ (Like It) under 40 minutes
If he has a problem he usually talks to Rap Monster because their age gap is small, they have things in common, and they’ve known each other for quite some time
Fave food = meat, meat, meat (same tho)
Fave number = 3
Fave colour = white
Suga comes from a poor family, in an interview he disclosed; “After we debuted, I went back to the dorm and sat there blankly staring. I could not believe that me, a kid from a poor daegu family, would be able to make it”. (you made it bby, so proud omf)
He speaks with a satoori accent when he’s nervous and when he cries ;-;
His ideal date would be something simple, “For me, just an ordinary date...I want to watch a movie, walk and would like to eat together”
When asked which member would he bring on a deserted island for 3 years, he answered Jimin.
Suga; “Jimin. To boss around. (LOL) Just kidding. I don’t talk a lot, I’m not the fun type, but Jimin is pleasant and mature, so I think it’d work out.”
Would date Jin if he were a girl
He loves taking photos (same)
His bad habit is biting his nails (also same ;-; )
3 things he likes are; sleeping, quiet places, places with no people
3 things he dislikes are; dancing, loud places, places where there are people crowding around
Fave weather; where you can wear short sleeves in the day and long sleeves at night
He thinks his looks are 50 out of 100; “Truthfully, when I see myself I think I’m ugly” (um liess boi, ur fuckin gorgeous so like…ye)
Other members about Suga;
Jin; “He likes being attached to his bed. He has a variety of knowledge and always gives help with that knowledge. I’m fascinated as to where he gets that weird knowledge from.”
J-Hope; “Is cool. His personality is quite strong on his own thoughts. Pretends not to care when he does. Seems like he’s all over the place, but is quite careful. That kind of personality. (Ah!! Personality where he only just shows strength ㅋㅋ)”
V; “He really has a lot of knowledge. He’s quite cool on stage. Cool and amazing. No answer to him being lethargic.”
Jeongguk; “He’s like a grandpa. But his passion towards music is overflooding. He also has a lot of knowledge. But he’s still a grandpa.”
Rap Monster; “Lingers on things more than you would think. He’s really timid once you get to know him. Full of random information. Grandpa. Although he seems cool – never… no no… Wants to be loved. Likes music. Has passion and stubbornness. Says what he wants to and can say everything well in front. Has style.”
Jimin; “He talks too much in front of you. He doesn’t hesitate, and although this is my personal thoughts, he likes being loved by the members ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ”
His ideal type is a girl who likes music, especially hip hop. He says he doesn’t really care about looks. He also wants a girl who can be very active when he wants to and very silent when he wants to. A girl that will always be by his side (boy im here, sign me tf up)
He has a male doggo named Holly and she’s deffo his weakness
Summary; The lethargic turtle of BTS with a both a savage side and a cutesy side that spits literal fire that needs to be protected imo. He is a lil been who can act 5yrs old one second and then act like an 80yr old man the next.
Now we have the actual sun personified, Jung Hoseok {J-Hope, Hobi, Hopi, Hoseokie, Sunshine boy, Your Hope, Your Angel, Hope, J-Horse}. Hobi is basically literal sunshine and so sweet. He has the voice of an angel and can also rap like a gOD, he’s also the main dancer for BTS and he has major skillz m8.
Some facts;
Born in Gwangju, South Korea
He got a mamma, pappa, and noona
He went to Gwangju Global High School; & Global Cyber University
Before he debuted, he hated doing aegyo but now he’s changed his mind (and we love his aegyo obvs)
Hobi and B.A.P’s Zelo went to the same academy for rap and dance in Gwangju
In his pre-debut days, he was part of a street dance team called NEURON
He won an underground dance battle and even performed at a festival (go hobiii) 😊
Initially he auditioned for JYP Entertainment, together with B.A.P’s Youngjae and Halo’s Dino
Fave colour = green
He has a cute doggo named Mickey
Hobi hates working out and exercising (I relate)
Used to be a tennis player in elementary school and played in competitions. He once received a bronze medal, out of 3 team competitors
He rlly likes melodramatic movies and remembers watching a lot of DVD’s when he was a kid, since his father also likes movies
His role models are; A$AP Rocky, J. Cole, Beenzino, G.D
He says he is closest to Jungkook
J-Hope’s motto “If you don’t work hard, there won’t be good results”
He likes visiting the Fancafe when he has time because he needs to know what are fans saying (always there for us armies)
When having problems or worries he would share them with Rap Monster or Suga (so cute 😊 )
When he was younger he was quite famous in the Gwangju dance underground
Things he wants to steal from other members is Jimin’s chocolate abs, Rap Monster’s rap skill and his good English
His ideal date; “I love the sea, I would like to walk down to the beach and hold hands (laughs)”
Other members about J-Hope;
Jimin’s first impression about J-Hope; “The first person I met was J-Hope. He was very friendly to me, ‘Excuse me, Jimin.’. So, I remembered J-Hope the most.”
Jimin about J-Hope’s mean side; ��J-Hope is bright guy, laugh a lot and has become hopeful like his name. J-Hope has good energy that effects everyone in a good way and I think J-hope is awesome. And people think he’s always nice and innocent. But, inside his smiley face, there’s an evil living there. J-Hope winds me up all the time but never stop smiling even when he does that. But you can never punch someone who looks so happy like that. One day, I was sleeping and all of sudden he poked me and shook me saying,
‘Jiiiimiiiiiiiin, wake up and play with me!!!!’
So, I woke up. But right after I opened my eyes, he just grinned at me and went back to sleep like nothing happened. So, I thought,
‘Uuuugh! I can never say anything to him cause he’s older than me!’.
And once he told me he would give me a massage and started squeezing the back of my neck, and that got tighter and tighter! He was smiling at then too! At the end, I was getting upset but he didn’t stop it. He was doing it even harder and said,
‘This will relax your muscles.’
When I was sitting down at the rehearsal room during the break, he head locked me. He hit me once and left the room so I looked at him with a serious face for a second. J-Hope, the timid, came to the room only after three seconds and gave me some mischievous hugs and said,
‘Jimin! Are you upset at me? Are you?? You are not! Aren’t you??’
Chuckling hard, he left room after 10 seconds. What should I do with him?”
Rap Monster; “There’s something he always says whenever we make a comeback or wrap up our promotion. He says that we got to make a comeback or successfully complete the promotion, thanks to the love shown by our fans.”
Suga; “I’m not good at expressing how I feel with words. But Jimin and J-Hope are good at expressing themselves. I envy them for that.”
Hobi’s ideal type is a girl who loves him, is good at cooking, and thinks a lot
Summary; he’s literally sunshine and he has one of the biggest hearts ever. Dancing machine Hobi is such a lil bean and he deserves the world, honestly 😊 alSO DESERVES MORE LINES!!
Kay so now we have the intellectual, the very philosophic Kim Namjoon {Namjoon, Joonie, Joonbug, Moni, Rap Monster, Rap Mon, Namjoonie, Leader Mon, God of Destruction, The Destroyer}. Smol dorky bean with dimples and a v v high IQ of 148. Also, literally a Rap God whose life is about philosophy, BTS, and music.
Some facts;
He was born in Ilsan, Gyeonggi-d, South Korea
He got a mamma, pappa, and lil sis
He went to Apgujeong High School
Rap Monster studied in New Zealand and lived/stayed there for 6 months. :O
He’s currently enrolled to Global Cyber University
Pre-debut he had already been performing as an underground rapper, with several tracks released informally, including a collaboration with Zico (Block B)
He’s really smart with an IQ of 148. He was previously ranked in the top 1% of the nation in his high school exams (so fuckin smart m8)
He speaks English fluently (he does so well omg ;-; )
Rap Monster’s TOEIC (The Test of English for International Communication) score was 900.
There was a rumour among the Korean fans that at the age of 15, Namjoon had a heart surgery with a 30% chance of living (but that’s probs legit just a rumour)
Hobbies include surfing the web
He’s a great supporter of Gay/Lesbian’s rights 😊 😊
He has a younger sister the same age as Jungkook but when asked if he would introduce her to him, he said N.O (ehehe)
His image before debut was a neat and quiet student
He started to write lyrics since he was in school, on his textbook
Rap Monster has composed/produced 100+ songs (y’all needa check out his solo raps n mixtape boisss)
Clothes matter to him (yo I live for his daily kim posts)
Fave food = Kalguksu (Korean knife noodles)
Fave colour = black
Fave number = 1
Fave items = clothes, computer, books
Despite Moni’s rough and tough image, he is v playful n relaxed
He likes clear weather
If he were a girl he said he would date J-Hope because he’s like the mother at the dorm
Role models; Kanye West & A$AP Rocky
Rap Monster wrote the lyrics of ‘No More Dream’ because he had no dreams when he was in school ☹
He, along with Jung Hunchul (ex member of Bangtan) wrote a Brave Brother/YG diss track called ‘Hook’ (check it out here man)
He wants to be a rich Rapper in 10 years
He has a dog, whose name is RAP MON
He would like to make a sub-unit with Jungkook
He was the first member to join BTS
He likes to imitate his members
Rap Mon said that he and GOT7 Jackson are good friends. He said Jackson is very handsome and really good at dancing
His ideal date; “It’s like the ordinary college student date. We can see a movie together, eat together, walk together. I want to have love like that. It’s because I can’t at all (laughs)”
Some of his popular quotes are; “Jimin, you got no jams” and “Team work makes the dream work”
Other members about Rap Monster;
Suga; “On the stage, Rap Mon wears sunglasses and has a powerful image but actually he likes cute things. He keeps the ‘Pocket Monster Ball’ on his bed that he received at a fansign”
Jin; “The Baby Dinosaur Dolly. He shakes his tail and crushes things
Jimin;” In the fact, he gets hurt easily”
Rap Mon’s ideal type; “Sexy, even to a brain. Someone that is thoughtful and confident”
Summary; lil dimpled smol bean Moni is all about his music and his groups and fans. He’s chilled and relaxed but has a powerful image on stage. Literally the god of destruction and could probs just look at something and it’d break (that’s what happens to me anyways)
oKAY so next up is lil squishy sinful bean Park Jimin {Jimin, Chim, Chim chim, Chiminie, Mini, Jiminie, Mochi, Sexy Mochi, Jiminie Pabo, Christian Chim Chim, Kumquat Mochi, Mang Gae Ddeok. Oh, and I regularly call him Chim Cham/Chim Chams}. Such a smol chubby lookin bean but then he turns into the personification of sin itself on stage and I literally cannot deal with it man…kills me
Some facts;
Born in Busan, South Korea
He has a pappa, mamma, and lil bro
He attended/attends Busan High School of Arts; Global Cyber University
Pre-debut Jimin entered Busan High School of Arts as the top student in modern dance, but later transferred to Korea Arts High School with V
Fave colours = blue & black
Fave number = 3
Fave foods = pork, duck, chicken, fruit, kimchi jjigae
Chim Chams used to view himself as “fat” and he was self-conscious of his looks and cheeks (which were adORABLE)
When he viewed himself as “fat” (he doesn’t anymore)…(I hope) he went into depression and starved himself T_T
He prefers sunny and cool weather
Is known for his impressive abs (*dies*)
He likes to jokingly hit the other members as a way of showing his affection for them
If music is playing he will start to dance no matter where he is 😊
When the weather is sunny and cool, Jimin likes wearing earphones while listening to music that gives a good feeling.
Jimin became interested in a singing career after watching a Rain performance
Once he wrote some lyrics and gave them to Suga. Suga said; “You called these lyrics?!” (the lyrics sounded like a children song). Suga asked him to redo the lyrics, but in the end, he still couldn’t use Jimin’s lyrics ☹
Jimin’s role models are; Rain, Taeyang (Bigbang) and Chris Brown
He is most confident in his eyes
He enjoys reading comic books. He said that comic books influenced him a lot
Jimin usually solves his problems himself. If he can’t solve it, he will share it with V and ask for his advice
Jungkook is always teasing Jimin about his height
In the dorm, Jimin in charge of the kitchen (chef chim doe??? 😊 )
Things he wants to steal from other members are; Rap Monster’s height, V’s talent and gaze, J-Hope’s cleanliness, Suga’s diverse knowledge
Jimin’s ideal date; “Sitting on the bench, drinking together… I would like to have a countryside date. We would also walk holding hands…. (Laughs)”
If he’d get a day off, Jimin jokingly said he wants to go on a date with Jungkook while holding hands together. And when Jungkook talked about his wishes, Jimin shouted; “Live happily together with me!” (fucKIN SHIP)
He felt a bit hurt when Jungkook ranked him the last in terms of looks. Jimin thinks the 1st is Jin while the 7th is Suga. (He was going to rank Rap Monster as the 7th but he changed his mind saying that recently Rap Monster got better-looking)
He has to use eyeliner while practicing the choreography, else he can’t seem to show strong expressions and he will get shy
Jimin appeared in GLAM’s MV Party (XXO). GLAM disbanded, they were under BigHit.
Jin chose Jimin as the member who has changed the most since debut😊
Other members about Jimin;
Jin; “Comes at you really cutely. It’s like being attacked by a puppy. Can’t refuse requests because he’s too nice.”
Rap Monster; “Basically kind and gentle. Is very considerate. Isn’t as timid as you would think. Likes clothes and style (same with me). But even though he responds well, there are many times where he doesn’t actually do it. Is quite stubborn. Is the effort-type.”
Suga; “Follows the hyungs’ words well, isn’t the personality where he’ll receive dislike somewhere, puts in effort to live his hardest”.
J-Hope; “Is kind, listens to his hyungs well, has a lot of greed, and has a personality where he makes sure to do his part, and he has a really good personality where he likes me the most and his faith towards me is very strong~~ ♥♥♥♥”
Jeongguk; “He’s the effort-type along with being a triple blood-type A, timid, shameless, and hates losing.”
V; “Cute. Only the amount of him losing his temper is excessive, he’s kind and a friend that’s trustworthy. I talk to him the most, and if I have any worries, he’s the friend that I tell it first to”
His ideal type is a nice and cute girl who is smaller than him
Summary; uuggggh he’s just so fuckin cute and he deserves all the love in the world. He loves the others so much and cares for them loads. He’s a squishy bean in the streets and a sinful bean on stage. Everybody needs a lil chim in their life 😊
Up next is the animal loving, sweetheart, 4d alien Kim Taehyung {Taehyung, Tae, Tae Tae, Taehyungie, 4D alien, Blank Tae, 4D, Alien, CGV, Gucci Boy, Gucci Prince, V} dis bean is crazy and extra as hECK. He’s also super adorable and his laugh is probably the best thing ever omfg.
Some facts;
He was born in Daegu, South Korea.
He has a mamma, pappa, and lil bro
He attends/attended Korea Art School; Global Cyber University
Tae Tae can speak Japanese fluently :O
Fave colours = black, green, and white
Fave number = 10
V’s favourite items are = his computer, big dolls, clothes, shoes, accessories, and anything unique (like himself lol)
It is said that when his teaser image was released 5 personal fan clubs were created 😊
He has been in the group for a while, but fans didn‘t know or hear of him until the time around his debut
He likes anything that is unique
His favourite artist is Eric Bannet
His role model is his dad. He wants to be a dad like his dad, someone who takes care of his children, listen to everything they say and encourage & advise them in their future plans (so fuckin cuuuute)
He has the same hobbies with Jin
When V has a problem, he will share it with Jimin and Jin. But he thinks it’s easier to talk to Jimin since they have the same age
Fans said V looks like Baekhyun (EXO) and Daehyun (B.A.P.). He said Baekhyun is his mother and Daehyun is his father. (it’s true tho)
V is a mood maker in BTS, along with Suga (daegu princessss)
V’s motto; “I just came up with it but let’s life coolly to the maximum. Since life happens only once, waking up at ease in the morning and working doing your best”
According to Yahoo Taiwan poll, V is the most popular BTS member in Taiwan
In the dorm V is in charge of the washing machine
When V celebrated his Birthday (131230 at MBC Gayo Daejun), he felt very happy because he able to share birthday with K.Will. K.Will’s waiting room was beside BTS’s room. So, K.Will came to him and said, “Hey, is it your Birthday today? It’s mine too! Let’s blow the candle together.”
V likes amusement parks. He especially likes the gyro drop, gyro swing and roller coasters (boi we can go together because same)
V can climb a tree but he can’t get back down (such a dork omg 😊 )
V comes from a poor family; “I came from a poor family and I never thought I would become famous.” He grew up under a family of farmers and often takes pictures of the farm they own
He revealed in an interview with ‘The Star,’ “[Being an idol is] a lucky chance that will only come once in a lifetime. If I wasn’t in BTS I would probably be a farmer. I’d be pulling out weeds from a farm with my grandmother.” (farmer tae doe can you imagine… :O )
V acted in the Korean drama “Hwarang” (2017-2017) (if you haven’t already watched it, y’all needa do so)
V sang the OST of “Hwarang” alongside Jin, which is Part 2 – “It’s Definitely You”.
If he’d get a day off, V wants to see his parents (he’s literally so cute tho omg)
V said the 3 requirements for his happiness are; family, health and honour.
V’s ideal date; “Amusement park. But nearby park is also good. I think that it’ll be nice if holding hands. My ideal is cute dating.”
Other members about V
Rap Mon about V’s cooking; “Honestly, we’d love try it. But V’s cooking is too great, we might end up crying. That’s why up till now we haven’t tried it. If V can roll the seaweed a little better, we will definitely give it a try.”
Jimin about V’s cooking, “We’ll try V’s cooking sooner or later. I just hope, V will stop stealing the food when I’m cooking.”
Jin ranked V as the noisiest member; “First, there’s V. I’m not kidding. He’ll be sitting in the dorms, then suddenly he’ll run around going ‘HO! HO! HO!’. He’s really weird. He’s like a different species. Do you know what he does alone at our house? ‘Jimin, I love you!! Oppa, I can’t! Jimin, I love you!! (Imitate V’s alone conversation). Seriously...”
Jin; “Although he seems weird, I think it’s a concept. He asks before he does something, he’s very detailed.”
Jungkook; “Although he’s a hyung, I have no answer to describe his personality.”
Suga; “Compared to his age he’s immature and isn’t able to become serious. It seems he doesn’t care what others think.”
Jimin; “He has a cheerful personality and really doesn’t notice his surroundings. He likes playing around. He’s innocent.”
His ideal type is someone who takes care of him and love only him and who has a lot of aegyo
Summary; le 4D extra alien who is suuuuuuch a family man which is so adorable is such a soft bean I can’t deal oh god. He’s v v sinful on stage tho so watch out…he’ll pull you in with his cute charms and then BAM hipthrust muthafucka
Okie dokie! Last but not least it’s time for the lil bun bun Maknae Jeon Jungkook {Jungkook, Kook, Kookie, Jungkookie, Bun, Bun Bun, Golden Maknae, Triple Threat, Muscle Pig, Jeon Cena, Ironman, Bunny, Seagull, Justin Seagull, Living Meme, Meme Child, Baby, Jungshook, Nochu
Some facts;
Born in Busan, South Korea
He has a pappa, mamma, and hyung
He went to Seoul School of Performing Arts and graduated in February 2017
He attended Baek Yang Middle School
He has an older brother named Jeon Jung Hyun
Fave foods = anything with flour (pizza, bread etc)
Fave colours = red, black, and white
He loves playing games, drawing, and soccer (football)
He has a weird habit where he sniffles a lot because of his rhinitis. He also wriggles his fingers a lot
His shoe size (U.S. conversion) is 7.5
Would date Jin if he were a girl
He likes the number 1
Said to be a very skilled cook
He likes shoes and makeup
He dislikes tasteless things, bugs, getting hurt, studying
He speaks Korean, Japanese and English (basic)
In 7th grade Jungkook learned B-boying in a club with some friends and hyungs
He knows Taekwondo (he has a black belt)
Before joining the group, he was a handball player
His favourite weather is a sunny weather with a cool breeze
In 10 years Jungkook wants to be the owner of a duck meat restaurant or a tattooist (fuCKIN TATTOOIST JUNGKOOK THOOOO
In middle school, he went to Superstar K auditions but failed to pass the elimination round
On the way back home, he received offers from eight different entertainment agencies
After randomly seeing and falling in love with future member Rap Monster’s rap, he decided to join Big Hit Entertainment (so cute)
Jungkook’s role model is G-Dragon (BigBang).
His dream, when he was younger, was to become a badminton player.
In the 1st year of High School he listened to G-Dragon’s songs and changed his dream to becoming a singer.
His motto is; “Living without passion is like being dead”.
Jungkook wants to go on trip with his lover someday.
He loves reading comic books.
Jimin says that Jungkook smiles when he swears.
About school subjects, Jungkook dislike everything except Physical Education, Art, and Music Class.
He doesn’t like bugs, but he likes cool bugs like (stag) beetles. He used to have a stage beetle when he was younger, but he didn’t take care of it well, so it died.
He said he usually doesn’t exercise a lot but started working out after seeing Taeyang and Jay Park.
The member who’s most similar to him; “V Hyung. He’s random, our comedic cords match well, and I think our personalities are similar.” (Profile written by Jungkook)
He is friends with GOT7’s Bambam & Yugyeom, Seventeen’s DK, Mingyu & The8, and NCT’s Jaehyun (a.k.a. ’97 line).
Jungkook, GOT7’s Bambam & Yugyeom, Seventeen’s The8, Mingyu, DK, and NCT’s Jaehyun (the ’97 liners) are in a group chat. (Jungkook and Bambam mentioned the ’97 liner squad in their ‘thanks to’ in their recent albums)
Jungkook’s ideal date; “Walking along the beach in the night.”
Things that he wants to steal from other members are; Rap Monster’s knowledge, Suga’s diverse knowledge, J-Hope’s positive mind, Jimin’s persistence and his effort, V’s natural talent and Jin’s wide shoulders.
Other members about Jungkook;
Suga; “Jungkook has a good memory so he can imitate us well. And I remember that when Jungkook first came, he was shorter than me. Seeing him grow taller makes me feel like I’ve raised him.”
Jimin; “I’m 2 years older than him but he keeps making fun of me for my height.”
Jin; “He’s quite bad at refusing requests.”
Rap Monster; “Individualistic, doesn’t share clothes. Washes his clothes separately. A slight timid-ness that’s like a maknae. Although he wants to seem manly, he’s actually a cutie. Although his passion overflows, it doesn’t go on long. Puberty, rebellious, but it seems cute.”
J-Hope; “He’s the maknae who talks backs a lot and doesn’t listen. Although his personality is quite kind… I also have no answer for his personality”
V; “Truthfully, he’s the same as me. I have no answer.”
Suga; “Because he’s the youngest, he’s still immature. However, he clearly shows what he likes and what he dislikes.”
Jimin; “He’s kind, innocent, and is bad at expressing his feelings. That’s why he’s cute. Jeonggukkie’s mine.”
Suga about Jungkook entering High School; “Jeongguk was the most handsome one there.”
V about Jungkook entering High School; “It’s not that the other students were ugly, but JK was most noticeable because he’s tall.”
Ideal type; someone who’s at least 168cm but smaller than him, is a good wife, good at cooking, smart, has pretty legs, and is nice. Also, a girl who likes him and is good at singing.
Summary; he’s a smol, innocent bun who is also a coMPLETE MEME CHILD HOLY FUCK NUGGETS. Hella tall bean with killer thighs and a v v disrespectful attitude on stage…I cri ever-tim ;-;
OKAY SO THAT’S BTS HAVE FUN WITH THAT INFORMATION GO NUTS, HAVE LE FEELS, BECOME TRASH. LIKE I SAID IN MY NOTES THIS POST JUST SHOWS HOW MUCH OF A PIECE OF TRASH I AM OH GODS...
{Request anything you want guys}
#bts#bangtan#bantansonyeondan#beyond the scene#intro post#bts intro post#dont steal pls#kyra hanson#kim seokjin#min yoongi#jung hoseok#kim namjoon#park jimin#kim taehyung#jeon jungkook#bts smut#bts scenario#bts imagine#bts fake texts#bts mtl#bts moodboard#bts aesthetic#kim seokjin smut#min yoongi smut#jung hoseok smut#kim namjoon smut#park jimin smut#kim taehyung smut#jeon jungkook smut
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🌸Hi, a few years ago when I was 16 (19 now)I was forced out to my friends by this homophobic girl, and I came out as bi (still in the closet to my family), I'm no longer friends with any of them, but I can't figure out what label I should have, I really want to just know who I am. I said to them I was bi, but I've never felt right with that label. I read about comp het and it makes so much sense to me, but I still don't know. 1/5
🌸I feel, like, attracted to male celebs, but only when they’re in films or tv, and watching interviews of them ruins it?, and whenever I’m around guys I get these thoughts I can’t control about kissing them and sleeping with them and I feel rlly self conscious, I said this to a friend who said it’s a crush, but I get it with people I don’t like at all 2/?
🌸 And sometimes I have a phase where I feel like I could date a guy and marry him and have kids and be happy but it feels like I’m imagining a perfect version of me that actually im not like at all? And as well I can only imagine myself with a young guy, once I think about a 30 yr old or older I don’t want it anymore, but the perfect fantasy seems so appealing idk 3/?
🌸I feel different about girls but I don’t know I’m catholic and I feel like it’s always been other people are gay and that’s ok but not me? And I don’t know whether I feel no attraction to girls or I’m pushing it down bc when I see girls kiss on tv I literally have started crying and I saw a lesbian couple in public once and I got butterflies and also Ive found myself changing pronouns in songs in my head without realising but I’ve never had close to a crush on anyone especially not a girl 4/5
🌸Ive never even met a gay girl except for one pan girl at school but she was really weird and rude so I don’t know what it’s supposed to be like to like someone? writing this all down it makes it sound like I’m definitely a lesbian but that scares me so much bc ill never have a normal life and I can’t shake this feeling that actually I do want to be with a guy but I’m trying to be interesting or I’m faking this or something. Pls tell me your thoughts on this 5/5
Oh, anon. This literally all feels as if my younger self came into my ask box just now to ask for advice.
I understand your pain, I really do, I went through so many of the same thought processes you’re describing now. It’s good that you’re aware of compulsory heterosexuality, since I believe that will make sorting your feelings easier. Still, I recommend you look through our tag (if you haven’t already) to read more thoughts on this. It’ll help.
I obviously can’t tell you what your sexuality is for you, that’s your own journey to make, but this sounds so much like my own experience that I’m pretty sure what the answer is already.
Anon, let me tell you a story, I went to a catholic school and while my parents are pretty liberal and not that religious (in fact, my dad’s an atheist) I was also raised with the idea that ok, there were gay people out there, and I didn’t care what other people did with their lives! But honestly that was kind of weird and I couldn’t be like them, because they weren’t normal, like I should be. I was bullied a lot as a kid, because I was weird and ugly and way too shy and easy to pick on, so I grew up with this idea that whatever else happened, I had to stop being like that, I had to be beautiful and normal and acceptable. And that of course included a perfect fantasy of marrying the man of my dreams after he fell in love with men when I suddenly grew up to be the most beautiful woman there was, and having kids, and holding down a successful job that I was happy doing and having lots of money and well, just having the most perfect life. How could I not want that? Ever since I was old enough to walk, society fed me the idea that this was my ideal endgame, how could we ALL not dream about that at some point?
I used to be obsessed with those stories where the “ugly” girl suddenly turns beautiful and the Nice Perfect Popular Boy finally notices her and they get together, those stories were my dream life. As a kid and young teen I’d fantasize about them constantly, I’d make up characters that would always end up fulfilling those same tropes. It was the way to prove to all those who ever called me ugly or belittled me because I was nerdy that “see? I got the happy ending” so when I was twelve, and suddenly all the girls were having crushes on boys I felt nothing for, while I started noticing seemingly out of the blue just how incredibly beautiful so many girls my age and older were, I got veeery scared. I couldn’t like girls like that, I wasn’t like that, I was already weird and had no friends, so how could I ever hope to find a girl who liked girls who’d like me? And if I did, everyone already hated me, so how would I bear it? The stares and the insults and the danger we’d face if people saw us together on the street? So I pushed that attraction down as far as I could, I convinced myself I was actually just too inmature to start thinking about crushes and all that stuff, and obviously when I was mature enough and the time came, I’d like boys, because that’s what Normal Girls did right? And I had to be normal.
In my school’s equivalent of US’ eighth grade, a new boy came to our class, he was pretty, and friendly, and most importantly, blonde! and he was the school sports star! It felt like every movie-like fantasy I ever had come to life. Every girl was in love with him, so one time I had a dream where we were dating. I woke up being absolutely ecstatic, that must have meant I had a crush right? I liked a boy? I was definitely straight?
I never actually began feeling nervous around this boy, or looking at him any more than usual until I had this dream and decided that meant I was in love. I told a friend eventually because I was excited about being in love and the fantasy I had created for myself about our perfect relationship (which did involve us kissing and having sex, and I never actually felt turned on about it but I did imagine it a lot because it meant we were In Love, so those fantasies happen even if you don’t actually like like the person in question, dw!), and isn’t that what you do when you like someone? Gossip about it with your friends? She told some of my bullies and the dude found out, so he started laughing at me in the middle of the class and calling me ugly and saying he was traumatized at the mere idea of me liking him.
And I… felt nothing. I was angry of course, and sad, but it was just the same anger and sadness I felt when some random I didn’t like made fun of me, it wasn’t even like what I felt when former friends said nasty stuff about me. And I wanted to be heartbroken I wanted to wallow in the misery and the drama of it, but I just wasn’t, it was the same “well this shit sucks and I’m angry about it but it happens everyday so wyd?” There was no deeper feeling there, not even any special resentment, there was nothing. I never felt anything ever again when I looked at this boy.
Now, sometime later, the same boy starts dating a girl from our class, and it was around the same time that I was coming to terms with the fact that the latent attraction I had started to feel for women when I was younger had never actually gone away but rather had grown. Things were purely about sexual attraction for me at that point, not romantic feelings. I hadn’t actually been in love with a girl either by that point. Because even tho I was accepting my sexual attraction to women, I still had the idea in my mind that ideally I would end up with a boy, because when so much of my hopes for the future relied of me being beautiful and a man falling in love with me forever and ever so that I could have a normal future, letting go of that dream took a while. I called myself bisexual for a while, only to realize very little later that it didn’t actually fit me. When I did, it was hard, because I had to re-come out again to my mom and the two friends I had told, and that really scared me, because I felt like some fake, like what I felt was not actually real. I put it off, and my friends & mom were accepting but they also were like “you’re just confused about your sexuality!!/this is just a phase!!” so that fed into my insecurities. Even when I realized I was sexually into women only, I still hadn’t fallen in love with one, so that made things more confusing for me (I hadn’t fallen for any boy other than the one I mentioned earlier and one I met on a vacation that thought I liked for like a week because he had a pretty voice and was pretty androgynous lmao, but again, no heartbreak when he went away)
Eventually, (funnily enough through fandoms and f/f ships and fics that depicted them in loving relationships, And I cried when I read about girls kissing too, at first I thought it was because I was a Good Straight Ally, but I was just a lesbian lmao) I realized that I could also be happy in a relationship with a woman, that it was not only a possible future for me, but one that I wanted, one that felt right, one in which I wouldn’t be the beautiful, perfect, feminine, smart, succesful career woman I had dreamed of as a kid, but in which I’d be me, with all my quirks and faults, with another woman with her own quirks and faults who’d love me for who I am, because that was possible! It was possible to be happy like that!. When I realized this, that me liking girls romantically and sexually, and exclusively girls was okay, it felt like a veil was lifted from my eyes. Suddenly, all the feelings and attraction I had thought I had felt for boys paled in comparison to the intensity of what I felt for women, I learned what actual sexual desire was like, I yearned for a future with a real me in it with a real woman by my side, instead of the fake ideal I’d wanted to be when I was younger. It was around that time I fell in love for the first time.
Remember how I mentioned the boy I used to “like” got a girlfriend? Well, guess who I fell for? Me and her were assigned seats together one year in high school, and I got to know her through the first term, every time liking her more and more, until one day, she just walks into class, and I think she did something different with her hair? Whatever it was, seeing her felt like someone punching the breath out of me, it felt like watching literal perfection embodied. And I was gone, I was just so so sooo gone. I felt sparks when we sat next to each other, I couldn’t stop smiling like a fool whenever I looked at her, she’d say something nice to me and it felt like my soul was flying out of my body. And of course it was idealized, it was a crush on a girl I didn’t know that well, but the feelings I had, I had for her, for her actual personality, her actual sweetness, her actual kindness, even her actual rashness sometimes, not the fantasy I had made up of her that I projected onto her like I did when I “liked” her boyfriend. I liked her as a person. Plus the intensity of both crushes was just so fucking different. When I liked her, I cried when we were apart and at the thought of her with her dumbass idiot boyfriend, I listened to a love song and could relate to it for the first time. I understood finally why people would write poetry and songs and do all sorts of crazy things for this feeling.
Tldr: I also fantasized about the ideal boy and I was never able to allow myself to feel anything for a girl because of how much I had repressed my sexuality due to fear of backlash until I was able to recognize that yes, liking women was OK and then all my repressed feelings came pouring out like a tsunami.
If that sounds like something you can kind of relate to, then that’s your answer anon. However, it might not be, or maybe you don’t know if it is yet. That’s alright! Sexuality can be complicated and it can take a long time to figure it out. You’re not on a deadline here, you don’t have to stress about it.
As for the normal part, yeah being a lesbian in this society sucks a lot. And I still get terrified of the idea that I will not be “normal” and that I can never be happy. Even if I know deep in my heart that I can never be happy with a man, sometimes I wonder if it’d be worth it to spare me the pain. The answer? Hell no, I’ve got one life, one, what’s the point of wasting it on loveless unfulfilled relationships when I could try to go for someone I’ll actually be happy with? There’ll be pain, of course there will be, I live in a small town and I’ve only just started meeting other lesbians & bi girls offline this year because I’ve gone to university, and I’ve only ever actually started talking to and becoming actual friends with the ones I knew online this year too because I was so terrified before! All of them tell me about their hurt, and how lesbophobia affects them a lot, and yet I see them talking about how much they love their girlfriends/wives (I don’t have that because I’m an awkward potato but I’m trying) and also other lesbians, and it gives me hope, because I can be just like them, finding genuine happiness amidst the pain.
I hope this answer helps you.
Mod M :D
#anonymous#answered asks#advice#lesbophobia#positivity#lesbian positivity#mod m#original#mod m gets personal lmao#compulsory heterosexuality
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