#just look out for yourself and remember
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do you ever like wanna make something cool but you dont know how so you just sit around like a moron for 5 hours straight pretending you know how
me neither
on a more serious note i know ad astra as a whole isnt over but i still want to thank daybreaker for their fics. what friends are for was the very first md fic i ever stumbled upon when trying out ao3 for the first time, and prior to joining the server i was checking it near daily for uploads. god knows if i'd be as deep in ao3 as i am now if it werent for this story and convenient timing. Thanks for the story.
#so What Friends Are For is over.#i did nOT CRY. i DO NOT CRY.#the lyrics incorporating the lyrics into the final chapter. daybreaker i HATE YOU#i still get GOOSEBUMPS just THINKING about the lyrics and then you FORCE ME to READ THEM#i thought it would be cool for the lyrics to be from different characters so i just picked kinda at random maybe#would i consider this a long post#gonna say no cause its more grid. be happy i didnt spread them out like i usually do#just pretend all the frames are in a consistent style and also better in every way also#oh i could probably tag daybreaker here but i dont remember their tag#its probably @lady-daybreaker or something but im too deep in this to check now#im not that deep im just lazy#i made uzis beanie look good for ONE PANEL. a SINGLE PANEL#and it was the VERY FIRST ONE#this post sucks im going to sleep#art#murder drones#murder drones n#serial designation n#murder drones uzi#not tagging the lyrics or nori. figure them out yourself bozos#for that one guy who liked how i made the limbs bend in the last one. sorry i got lazy#is there a picture limit
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this too shall pass. like a fucking kidney stone but you get it
#no one give up. I expect all of you to outlive this cheeto ass motherfucker#it is going to be okay. it will be okay. get yourself a treat and remember it will be okay#do whatever you have to just get through and look out for each other#keep filling your life with light in every way you can. hold on to every small joy you have because that’s how you get through#keep loving things and places and people and do things you love because love is all that matters#the sun will come up. I promise you the sun will still come up#jesus. anyway#us politics#election 2024
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I just *clenches fist with tears in my eyes* love the grand necropolis so much
#just saw the relevant art book pages and like. is there a single sentence said about that place that doesn't slap severely#no! it all rocks out of this world it's quite simply Just That Good. if it has a ground floor no one alive has ever seen it....#an inverse tower of babel they go looking for knowledge in the grave instead of the heavens. hello. for god's sake hello#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#the grand necropolis#as a character note I really like that they emphasize that the mortalitasi KNOW how they're perceived outside of nevarra#and know at least partially how to appear less uh. how they actually are to make the situation more comfortable for outsiders#rook 'code switch champion' ingellvar makes even more sense the deeper you get into the lore haha#this is such good timing b/c I'm closing in rapidly on rye going home for the first time in a year in my replay#and what better time to contemplate the home that is a house of many mansions and that cannot be home anymore#the tower of babel the eden of childhood. it will never change but you have. you can't belong there in life as you once did#you can't go back as you were and you don't know yet that that's alright.#you'll have to bury many versions of yourself until the final day. tend to those graves and let new things grow between them#the necropolis will wait for you. it'll be there to welcome you home in the end no matter what.#it's. just the good stuff is the thing#also can I just say that curio and keepsake asking you if you've returned (...perhaps to stay (i.e. in death)...?) is. so so tender#especially as ingellvar#the fact that the spirits clearly love the watchers *back* in their fashion is sssssssssssssoooooooo.... help#also very funny when rook follows proper watcher protocol with them and they're like 🥰ah so good to see a young watcher#who remembers the importance of *manners*🥰🥰🥰 all hope is not lost. the mourn watch truly is rook's family 2 electric boogaloo
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ive talked to a lot of ppl who have taken vyvanse now and i think ik a bit more on how i need to live on it
#1) dopamine drops on lower dosages or high dosage but in the evenings feel like hell and it wont ever stop you have to just breathe#you will stop breathing well and you wont notice it so you have to remember to breathe deeply. this helps immensely for some reason#2) you will stop processing the existence of food as a consumable thing and not just an object like Table or Cardboard. you will not want to#eat anything. you have to buy meal replacement shakes. sweetness is one of the only pleasant flavours. eat protein. eat as much protein as#you can. down those meal replacament shakes. get enough for a day. try not to into calorie deficits on vyvanse.#3) your mind will be searching for cognitively complex tasks and everything else dwarfs in comparison. dont lay down. do something.#4) you have to exercise. fully exercise at the gym not a home 20 min work out. you need to push your body right now so that you can be ok#5) nothing will be as intense and vivid and beautiful and there will be a layer of seperation between you snd reality even on a lower dosage#this is fine. this is the primary price. sunlight helps and so does doing complex tasks but you cant avoid this. remind yourself that this#is a self-induced thing and its temporary and itll fade.#6) youve been ship of theseus'd into a new person and this effect only increases later into the day. any conclusion you reach about yourself#is most likely not applicable to your non-vyvanse self.#7) carry chapstick around. keep drinking water. dry mouth starts 5 minutes after taking it#8) some of your friends have a reduced range of emotion and this makes them more stable but less capable of experiencing intense joys#and sadnesses. look at them. listen to their perspective. live like them when youre on the medication.#9) music is still gorgeous#10) you will feel very hot very fast. wear layers you can take off.#11) pick up a bow and shoot. keep shooting. keep going. shoot at least 50 arrows if you can. feel the pain in your arms and your shoulders#and then keep shooting.
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Modern au with a strong theme of Hiccup coping with his leg better than all the people around him and it's low key pissing him off
#hiccup haddock#what.. im not projecting#anyways woke up w a shit ton of notes n ideas for my modern au i dont remember writinf so thats cool#rotbtd modern au#i feel like he'd be more traumatized from [undecided event that caused the injury] than the fact he had an amputation#and would be obviously frustrated about such major changes in the way he does things but#itd be different than the like conern (pity) other ppl show#he makes a leg joke and stoick just looks at him sadly/uncomfortably or ppl stare like 'do i laugh or..?'#(obviously. people generally dont make jokes abt their disabilities out loud if theyre not okay with you laughing 😭)#the point is the way hes treated would be wildly different in a modern au especially one not taking place on berk#my aus#moth.txt#lots more thoughts on this n the feelings he will have (in a fic i may or may not write) but im struggling to articulate them#mainly is the frustration though. frustration with yourself but moreso how the people around you suddenly change their behavior due#to your disability and Not in a good way.#the balance between learning to accept help and coming to terms with it but also not#letting people coddle you or making sure they know when they overstep#etc etc etc. like i said: struggling to articulate it but its just a very specific Feeling#httyd modern au#deyas dragons
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much love to the (multiple) mutuals i’ve seen agony posting on this fine new year’s day my heart is with you all in spirit 🎉🎉 the pain is incredible but this too will change
#i think i got through all my own angst after having a full on melt down spiraling panic attack and hiding in my room for approximately#92% of christmas day 👍#sucked ass btw. do not recommend#i hate this time of year and all these (northern hemisphere) winter holidays in particular#because it always feels like there’s So Many expectations to Be Happy!! Love Your Family!!! Become A Fresh New You!!!!!#which ime never fucking works. sorry for being a bitch but the harder you push me to get into#The Christmas Spirit the grouchier and more depressed i get#you don’t have to change everything Right Now. you don’t have to fix yourself by the end of january#you have a lifetime to figure that shit out and it’s your goddamn right to spend that time on your own goddamn terms#i appreciate all of you 🫶#and i like having you around#sigh. 1 am somewhat incoherency pardon if i’m making little sense#i think i’m just over trying to find the One True Solution that will fix me and make me a perfect new person#that never has any conflict with anyone and never does embarrassing shit i’m ashamed of or fucks up by not being an#omniscient emotionless robot#i’ll hold onto the smaller goals if only because ‘it’s good to have things to look forward to’#etc. etc.#but. that’s it and only barely#really i just hope my birthday isn’t as utterly dogshit as last year but :]#we’ll fucking see#i should probably just block every tag i can think of related to american politics that day tbh#sigh. horrors of a january 20th birthday#anywho.#there’s my new years rant happy 2025 or whatever let’s see how long it takes me to remember to write the new date#storm tag#broadcasts from the astronaut
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oaghhhh im so full of trad art
#limbus company#library of ruina#project moon#im not tagging the rest of this. you can figure out the rest yourself if you are pure of heart#actually wait i should probably clarify that the cat is dante from my warriors au. a lot happens in it. they just kind of look like that#hmmmmm i should go back and color the birdtaur angela actually... im still pretty happy with her#shes only not colored because i drew her before remembering i own markers in grayscale LMAO#anyways
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girlhood
#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day#like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year.#when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍#not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again#and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :)#like everything i do is informed by her#I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her#and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢#and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again#“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her#growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain#and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when#people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it#but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up-#when people mention it 😍#last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her)#and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook”#and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one#and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?”#im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her#lol!!!!!!!!!
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omg guys proshipper isn't "basic dni criteria", like that list is supposed to represent actual irl issues(*), not some 2020 internet discourse. you guys are so annoying like if you're uncomfortable interacting with proshippers i understand and respect it, although you probably have a very twisted idea of what the word means (would make a separate post abt it but there are hundreds already). but please don't equate it to actual crimes. (*)also do you seriously think that a bigot troll is going to read your dni and be magically expelled from your strong aura. if anything it's going to make them want to harass you more. it's obvious that those lists are just a pose like "if i don't put racists dni they're gonna think i'm racist" NO aaagh you don't have to over-specify(?) everything about you when interacting online can we please go back to being normal istg. reject modernity embrace not writing a dni list and just blocking people like a normal person <3
#tsun.txt#also ppl who write all their triggers and traumas are you fr that too is going to make it easier for trolls to harass you#children need to learn basic internet safety etc etc#i needed to vent bc i've been on toyhouse and i'm SO tired of everyone using the “warning” tab for fucking dni's#come and block me yourself bitch. the warning is supposed to be info about what could trigger ME.#BRO i just remembered once i was looking at the artists that were going to attend a con and one of them had fucking proship dni in their bi#like IMAGINE limiting your sales bc you care about what other people like to read?? i'm going to put fucking. idk. team kira dni.#also i sometimes go to cons as an artist too. imagine if i got placed next to that person#what do they want me to do? them: “hey can you move your chair a little” me: ignoring them bc i read their dni#it's INSANE#not @ me being paranoid abt ppl cancelling me for this post despite having like +300 blocked accounts#but i'm coming out (?) as a non-harasser. like i don't even use the word profiction. i'd rather call myself normal.#i sound like those people who're like my pronouns are nor/mal but FR this used to be the norm in fandoms *sob*#also ppl online are limiting their interactions for not wanting me to reblog their art but okay#in MY case i'm hella limiting my interactions for not wanting to be harassed. we're not the same.#i be like why does this have so few notes *has half the fandom blocked*#and ppl probably wouldn't even notice bc most of what i post is wholesome but then i write textposts like this. better safe than sorry#discourse
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youtube
Can we all agree that this was the best I'm a celeb series? Not been another like it and I can't believe it's almost 10 years old now lol
#lady c was iconic#the way she had beef with half the camp and didn't do any of the trials and just flirted with ant and dec instead lol#also chris eubank was fucking hilarious#and i somehow had 2 littles crushes#a little crush on ferne and a man crash on george lol#i remember it was on during my first year at uni too so it was really a vibe#it was just peak i'm a celeb and absolute tv gold#nowadays it's all too nicey nice and everyone's afraid of upsetting each other and looking bad#like just be yourself and tell someone with chest if you don't like them like the jungle legend lady c 😂#i remember being devasted when she had leave early too haha#i'm a celeb#i'm a celebrity get me out of here#Youtube
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Kinda weird but this is still like one of my fave things I've ever drawn lol, it's just a background study from Shawn James' cover of Arkansas by Damien Jurado (there was a character here too once iykyk lol) but I was Going Through It at the time and painting this was soooo cathartic
#it was the first time that i didnt hate drawing a background lol#and also the song is like a melancholic reflection on a relationship that fell apart#and ill always remember a comment someone made when they reblogged this saying it captured the feeling of the dog days being over#and i was like DAMN wait thats exactly what this is#i had just graduated college and was working overtime and living back with my parents and not doing well with it#and was going through the thought process of like#wait. is this all there is? i just work for the next 40 something years?#the realization that i had taken summer days like the one i painted here for granted nauseated me#and i didnt really recognize it until someone commented that and i was like girl oh naur#for the record working is not all there is#for example: i just got laid off LOL#but real real like there is so much whimsy and joy and freedom in adult life you just gotta make sure you give yourself the time for it#i didnt until like. 2 years ago lol#anyway. normal tags now#painting#study#digital#uhhhhhhh#digital plein air#maybe#its not a secret to anybody who knows what i used to draw that S**** V****** was originally the focal point of this image lol#but i kinda never liked how he turned out and always thought the background looked way better than the character for once#those background leaves could be way better looking if i spent more time on them but i was so thrilled with how the rocks looked#that i was just like alright pack it up boys
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life is all about trying as hard as you can to be your truest most genuine self, again and again and again, every day forever
#i forget this on a regular basis and then i remember it again#and it's so overwhelmingly hard to do#maybe that's why i keep forgetting it#it's so much easier to be the reflection of hundreds of other people#like a glittering mosaic of broken mirror shards#but if someone loves you all they want to see is the wall behind all those flecks of mirror#no matter how boring or ugly it might be#i was just thinking about how many people there are in my life#whose deepest truest selves i don't think i actually know#and very few of them know mine either#and i was also thinking about that scene in rocketman#where bernie looks at elton's ridiculous over-the-top stage costume and says#'do you really need all that? the songs are good enough to stand on their own#just go out there and be yourself'#and elton replies 'why the FUCK would i want to do that?!'#so many of us are so deeply convinced that other people don't actually want us as we are#our deepest truest flawed unremarkable unoriginal selves#but when i think about everyone i care about#that's exactly the part of them i want the most#you don't have to be special#cosmo gyres#text
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God I'm so fucking annoyed how come she gets to treat me however she likes and then gets to say she didn't mean it?????
#have u considered not constantly comparing me to ur abusive husband who hit u??????#since i was like 8 its really fucking weird#like who in their right mind tells their child theyre naturally destructive just like their father and then says ohhhhh but i didnt mean it#are u fucking insane#doesnt help that i look like him too everyone tells me that#and now she acts like me raising my voice once means she needs to walk on eggshells around me wtf#what about how u treated me from ages 13-16#freak#i cant believe this shes treating me like im some scary stranger as if shes not the one with full financial control and that im this horribl#person go kill yourself omgjdjsjsjwjwwhwhhw#fuck u#last year was the worst year of my life and that was wholy bc of u you showed me what place i really have in this family and that it was not#hing. how is sveryrone so ready to throw me away??#yet everyone else gets to say shes sooo proetctive and loving fuck off you wouldnt even tell them youre treating me badly diedie diediediedi#i want to cut so bad bro#but i promised myself i wont so#i mean i dont even have any way of gettibg blades so whatver#just remembered her reaction to me cutting#nothing. yeah absolutely no reaction. i thought the worat thing that could happen was her gettjbg mad at me again but no#i realised there was somwthing worse. she just straight up doesnt care#useless mother#im fine w u treating me like shit ive accepeted it that i have no place in anyone's life unlesss i hive into this but at least#at least stop trying to confront me like this#just let me rot in peace#i really dont want to do this anymore#any time now she'll ask me if i was pretending to cry so i wpuldnt have to go out w her now#as if that isnt insulting#and then she'll say i wasnt trying to be rude!!! as if she hasnt always treated me like none of my feelings r real. i only ever overeact. ok
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it’s easy to get caught up in self doubt and criticism but sometimes you have to see yourself in a reflective surface in passing or try to view your work objectively and think about how child/teen you would be really really impressed with what you’ve done and how you’ve turned out. even if I’m not a billionaire yet 😃👍👍
#I don’t think I could even conceptualize looking the way I do now. even 5 years ago I couldn’t.#and if you told 15 year old me (who was writing vampire Mary sues) that I’d be 350k words into a single project just for fun for myself#I’d be floored that I’m capable of doing that.#and I think I would be really shocked at my art even if I (as a 30yr old) don’t think it’s super good or anything.#but I remember seeing art like mine as a kid and being so awed.#it’s really crazy trying to view yourself through the lens of your former child#can’t speak on work accomplishments because I’ve never seriously dreampt of dream jobs lol. other than being a vet when I was 8.#I think child me would frankly be shocked I have a degree in art. and religion. and anthropology. you can just do anything you want.#a day in the life of steeve#even if I’m not a man I think I’m still paying homage to my teenage bestie who died before they invented being transgender 🫡🫡🫡#girl if only you knew you can get testosterone for $5 at Walgreens in 2024#*reflecting on being 30 with a 401k and an apt and a paid off car like a real bona fida adult*#crazyyyyy that you wake up one day and you’re 30 somehow. time really does stop after 24. if you’re 24…. watch out.
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Putting the word dissociate on a high shelf where no one can reach it forever and ever sorry
#actually dissociative#“lol i love to dissociate by making up stories in my head when im bored in class#DAYDREAMING THAT IS CALLED DAYDREAMING#you don't choose to dissociate because you're bored#and you don't make up stories in your head when you dissociate#you just. cease to exist.#time goes on without you#you lose hours#days even#and if you do “make up stories” they aren't distinguishable from reality#you don't remember what's real anymore#and then you wake up#you're seeing through your own eyes but you don't control where they look#your body moves without you#you hear yourself talking but the words aren't yours#your body needed someone to fill the void you left behind and your mind gave it someone#and when you come back that person resents you#constantly whispering in your ear “when is it my turn?”#and you don't want to give up control again#you don't want the world to go on without you#but it does#and it will keep going on without you until you can take back control#maybe you pass the time by pretending you are in control somewhere else#you forget it's not real#and when you come back you're confused#you need help to figure out what's real#it's not fun#it's not something you choose to do
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Anyone who’s out of high school or in college, do teenage boys eventually get nicer? They make me not want to go to school.
#sorry to the good teenage boys out there#but I hate these guys so much#why am I being harassed just because they don’t find me attractive#why do they come up to me and say random shit just because I’m quiet#I remember in sixth grade a boy called me a gorilla because of my hairy arms#and it’s been years and I still haven’t recovered I bleach my arm hairs because of that#it got better when I grew into my body a bit more but still#they call girls females and speak lowly of them#this one guy said he would never be afraid of a female even though he’s under 4’9 and everyone is taller than him#ik height is not relevant but why is his ego taller than him#they’ve called me out on my checks flushing (it’s rosacea)#and the amount of times I’ve heard them rate a girls body behind their backs is gross#and now that I’m not ‘ugly’ they respect me which still sucks bc why is that the reason they don’t treat me like shit#and the girls who are like them and condone the behavior are just as bad bc why are you against yourself do we not have enough difficulties#anyways#had to ask this#because the school year is starting and that means I have to see them again#after a nice summer of recovering from then#rant?#idk#when do they outgrow the middle school phase because it doesn’t look like it’s happening anytime soon#teenage boy#girlhood#?#or is that just me#pjo#kotlc#high school#idk what to tag this as#school core
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