#just like. when in doubt ppl go to events bc they wanna

[antiadvil]

earlier anon here, sorry that i upset you, i really didn't mean to. of course i want you to have fun! reading your other posts i had just kind of gotten the feeling that you were expecting to have *less* fun at the show than you'd have staying at home or doing something else, and that confused me. i'm sorry that your symptoms are so severe that even daylight is an issue (i have to admit, i did think "well there are a lot of events in daylight" before reading your reply). i really hope you find a remedy soon, and that the show will be easy on you!!

(prev ask)

i appreciate the well wishes. it's taken me a while to respond to this ask because i'm not really sure what to say beyond, i wouldn't be going if i didn't think i'd have fun. i'm going for the same reason as anyone else- i think it will be fun and i think the fun will be worth the downsides of going. i didn't include a disclaimer in my posts about the flash effects about how i was still looking forward to going because it didn't seem relevant? like if i wasn't looking forward to going i just... wouldn't. i have complicated feelings about the show because i'm unhappy with the way they've handled the flashing lights (dan tweeted that there were no strobe effects but the antwerp show displayed a warning saying there would be strobe lights) but i am still making plans to go and i'm very excited for them.

i don't feel that i owe anyone an explanation of my plans. i'm giving one anyways because, i don't know, maybe it will be educational or whatever. idk. i have a migraine and i haven't showered in like 3 days i'm going to bed

[mars-ipan]

hell yeah for the driving progress :D i still need to learn to myself lmao

for some random questions...

how's the prsk going? i've been distracted from it the last few days.

do you speak any other languages? any you'd want to learn?

any hot takes on DR you don't see talked about?

THANK YOU!!! it’s scary but i’m better at it than i think i am and also i Love My Car (veronica aka ronnie my darling <3333) so. progress yay!!

to answer your questions:

pretty solid! i haven’t been playing as much but i do my dailies (i want that 30 consecutive days title and then the fc grind goes until i stop having fun) i got up to master rank songs a few days ago and omg they are SO hard i always have trouble quickly reading charts with a bunch of hold notes in ‘em and “do shit with the hold notes” is basically the main gimmick so i’m getting. TURNED AROUND !!!! but it’s fun also. AND THESE EVENTS ARE BEING NICE TO ME MY GACHA LUCK IS IMPROVING !!! I’M PULLING MORE 4 STARS :D thank god for that i was gonna go crazy. i can finally start leveling non-vbs characters (almost have my birthday akito maxxed out tho… just need to get his skill up one more time <3)

i’m not fluent in any languages other than english BUT !!! i took 3 years of spanish in school and bc i live in texas i maintain enough of what i need to know to have a (very broken) conversation. i tried to learn japanese for a bit which WAS really fun but i have a hatred for duolingo and when it got to kanji i very quickly realized that there was no way in hell duolingo would be able to teach me kanji. so i haven’t been back since. i would love to properly learn japanese some day tho. and there is one more language i really wanna learn! that being german ^_^ my dad was stationed in germany when he was in the army in the 90s and it left an imprint on him so i grew up with a fair bit of german culture stuff (mostly food (i could fuck UP a bowl of saurkraut don’t even need anything else. though mustard is nice. ouugh and wurst i love german wurst)). like in my household it’s normal to say danke/bitte in place of thanks/you’re welcome. and i loveee the way german sounds. i was actually gonna take a college course on it! but uh . that was the semester i had to withdraw from </3 maybe i’ll try again tho i’ve been wanting to see what minors my school offers.

oh god dr hot takes . hmmmm. let’s see if this one works: i think a lot of western fans (americans especially) are Not Very Good at recognizing the cultural context that dr exists in. it is very much a story that is Set In Japan and western fans…. do not always get that. i think it can be fun to go “what if i viewed these characters through an american lense” (there is a reason priest au is set in the midwest. i wanted to see what they’d be like in american culture) but a lot of the time people will like… criticize the writing of the game over just. cultural misconceptions. nothing in particular is coming to mind right now for examples (which . kinda relieved i do not wish to invite discourse) but it is something i’ve seen in the fandom and i wish there were less of it. this even goes for the poor writing choices btw— like yes we can absolutely criticize kodaka for some of the writing choices/jokes he makes, but japan in 2010/2012 (my issues with v3 bias me too much to have good commentary wrt this and also iirc kodaka was less involved with the writing here) was not exactly the most progressive place. (neither was america btw but ppl don’t always like to admit that). so like one writer isn’t gonna be capable of being perfectly sensitive of everything— i doubt he even knew much about some of the things ppl criticize dangan about. am i saying he Did Nothing Wrong and everyone is being mean? no. there is some nasty shit in these games. but we gotta like. acknowledge that this was a series that started in japan in 2010, and nobody knew it was gonna take off and get translated to english. like english speakers are NOT the target audience n i feel like a lot of people forget that. the stories get so much more interesting when you consider them from a japanese cultural perspective imo. this isn’t ace attorney we can’t japanifornia it. it is Important that they are japanese because one of the main things danganronpa is is a Criticism Of The Japanese School/Work System. like it is integral. anywho i’ve rambled about that enough i think

[kulliare]

smad that i can only talk to basically 5 ppl rn

[ko-eko-ev-go-ms]

Am just hoping that this is something I process quicker ? Maybe ?

Hate when you realize something was more serious and happened and more specifically that you finally realize it’s something you’re gonna have to process for a while rather than just rapidly move on from, especially when it’s like way after the fact and just blegh

[awkwardtortilla]

no because i am a dylan simp through and through, i adore this funky tall lad with short energy. i just want to smooch him and give him a little nose kiss and let him know i love him for every part of him

so can i get a cute little first date fic?

Bro sameeeee he’s so goddam precious

First Date

I really wanna write this but my brain is shutting down so I’m gonna do bullet points/hcs. Also I may have gone a bit overboard with this

warnings: none just fluffy shit

During camp you and Dylan had flirted and hung out a lot

You had some genuine chemistry and almost kissed a couple times

But those couple times were interrupted (usually by Jacob or a kid) and you and Dylan would jump away from each other

It was kinda ironic though bc ppl were always trying to get you two together

Then after camp and the disastrous events of that one extra night you and Dylan managed to keep in touch

You didn’t live too far apart, but it was still far enough that driving to spend time together couldn’t be a frequent thing

But you texted and called and FaceTimed plenty

Then on one late night FaceTime you both fell silent and you caught Dylan staring at you (again)

As he looked away and blushed you asked if he felt the same spark you did during camp

He did and admitted that he still liked you

You admitted that you still liked him

You both got really excited and were grinning like idiots but then remembered the distance

But then you said “y’know what? Fuck it. Let’s get together for a day, and go out on a date. What’d ya say?”

Dylan smiles again and stutters his agreement

You guys pulled an all-nighter planning that date

And it was all worth it

Sure you were anxious that it would go wrong and that this wouldn’t work out but you were excited to see Dylan again and to be finally acting on these feelings that’d been stewing for months

The date was pretty vanilla

Dinner, movie, walks

But you guys did a bunch of things in between

Shopping, coffee, picking out dollar store snacks to smuggle into the theater

Dylan was tripping over himself the whole time and trying to crack stupid jokes like he did back at camp

You had to reassure him that he could just be himself bc you liked that too

He blushed every time you complimented him

And when he complimented you

*accidentally staring* “S-Sorry, you, uh, you look great, [your name].”

“God, you’re adorable…” *realizes* “Oh shit was that out loud?”

Would LOVE to hold your hand but won’t initiate it bc he’s a shy bean when it comes to that stuff

Despite that he would kiss your cheek out of nowhere just bc he couldn’t take how amazing you were and needed to act on it

Like to put his arm around your shoulders

Like when you’re ordering food or choosing a snack to smuggle or sitting on a bench

But he’d prolly only have the courage to do it a couple times so you’re gonna have to wrap it around yourself other times

He would also share his food

And would casually ask to try some of yours but on the inside he’s panicking and praying that wasn’t overstepping

If you share he’s so goddam relieved

But if you don’t he steals a bite anyway

His shoulders visibly relax when you laugh about it though so you know the poor boy was worried as hell that he’d messed up

As you guys wandered through shops and stores you would be goofing off and messing with each other

You’d put hats and glasses on Dylan and gush about how cute he looked in everything and soon his face was as red as that beanie you’d decided to buy for him

Dylan would mostly be watching you but every now and again he’d see something he liked and ramble about it until he realized he liked it bc it reminded him of you

Then he would blush and put it down and pick it back up and blush some more as he put it in the cart

During the movie he would just happen to leave his hand resting on the arm of the seat

And when he reached for his drink he would “accidentally” brush his hand against yours

But I doubt he would make the move

Not bc he wants to tease you, which is probably what it seems like, but bc he’s too nervous

What if you didn’t want to hold hands? Is that why you haven’t made a move to do so yet? What if you needed your hand for popcorn or candy and Dylan holding it was an inconvenience? Would you be upset with him?

So yeah you’re gonna need to just go ahead and offer your hand

Then he will gladly take it and lace your fingers together and give it a lil squeeze

At the end of the date neither of you wants to separate

So you don’t

The long drive home is postponed and you stay the night together

If you’re at Dylan’s he lets you borrow some of his clothes

If Dylan’s at your house you guys run to the store real quick and buy some pajamas

You guys spend a solid five minutes working out who was gonna sleep where but then just ended up falling asleep on the couch watching The Office or Parks and Recreation or Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Idk Dylan just seems like he’d be into those kinda shows

Then in the morning when you both wake up and realize where you fell asleep and how you’re all cuddled up together Dylan’s face goes bright red and he trips over himself and the blankets apologizing and trying to get up

You’re blushing too bc I mean who wouldn’t be, however you’re less afraid to admit that you enjoyed it

So you call him down and reassure him and he lets out an exaggerated sigh or relief and admits he liked it too

You have breakfast together and again don’t wanna separate but you kinda have to bc whoever made the drive over didn’t pack a bag

So you say goodbye and Dylan gives you a big bear hug

He really wants to kiss you but is too nervous so you do it, gently grabbing his jaw and pulling him in for a long, sweet kiss

If he’s the one driving you better pray he keeps his eyes and mind on the road bc boyo is now in a daze

[cassyapper]

bless you @bisexyofficial

i’ll put a cut so ppl who dont wanna see it dont have to wade through my ramblings but

jonathan joestar’s whole life was a tragedy nd im tired of pretending it’s not

tw suicide btw

i have been thinking abt this for so long and i only recently figured out how to word it so let’s go

first things first;;; he’s in a carriage accident as a child, in which his mother dies while protecting him from the brunt of impact. i have no doubt in my MIND george kinda blames jonathan for his wife’s death because of this (ill get back to why i think so in a minute). but even if george didn’t, it seems like it’s in jonathan’s nature to blame himself as well

i think that’s why he tries so hard to be the hero (for example, when he steps in to help erina even though he was no match at all for the bullies). he wants to pay it forward if you will; he thinks he’s living on borrowed time, and he doesn’t want to carry that debt longer than he must, which in this case would mean...dying for the good of someone else asap. not good!

so frankly already i think he was never in the best place mentally but he was like okay relative to how bad it would get.

but then dio ~the invader~

dio comes in with the life mission of making jonathan so miserable he kills himself so that he can have all the joestar inheritance. jonathan no doubt picked up on this, considering dio was never subtle about it lol

i think the only reason he didnt go along with it is because, especially in western christain culture at the time, suicide was seen as the easy way out/a sin/something selfish, which wasnt how jonathan wanted to go. he wanted to kill himself sure but he wanted the benefit of the doubt regarding it and he wanted it to be because he was saving someone else

my proof of this line of thinking is all very subtle but it is there and it’s all in the fact that jonathan does nothing to stop dio from tormenting HIM. when he lashes out a dio, it’s only when dio drags others into their feud, like erina and danny and later george and eventually windknights lot. but when it was just him? jonathan took it and swallowed it and did nothing in retaliation. because he though he deserved it

this lack of action is echoed in how he just takes his father’s abuse as well; george jumped on the opportunity to belittle jonathan (such as the dinner table manners bs/otherwise always comparing jonathan to dio in a way “why cant you be more like him” way) and always believed dio over jonathan when they squabbled bc, as mentioned earlier, he blames jonathan for his wife’s death and he loves having some reason to be mad at jonathan. jonathan just takes it and accepts the unfair punishments (such as when george literally STARVED HIM, A GROWING PRETEEN BOY) because again, he believes he deserves it. he believes he is inherently bad

this line of thinking would also explain why he never tries to reconnect with erina until theyre adults and erina initiates it; he doesnt want her to be targeted because of HIM again. he wont drag her back into his messes for the selfish reason of him wanting her company

so. jonathan doesnt like himself. he is perfectly fine with others using him as their emotional/physical punching bag but he will get upset if others get involved

jonathan is selfless to a fault and it really really hurts, u guys. it’s born out of love for others but also a disdain for himself and that hurts

but anyway

then george dies when jonathan is only 19 and even though george was abusive to jonathan, jonathan still mourns him because he felt like he deserved that abuse. and to add salt to the wound, george dies in jonathan’s place iirc so jonathan just feels. awful. fuck god fuck. especially bc he died cause dio got obsessed with a mask JONATHAN left where he could find. obviously it’s not jonathan’s fault for real but this man will perform mental gymnastics to make himself out to be the one to blame because it’s how he’s lived his whole life and it’s how he stomached pain his whole life. it’s easier to take things if u think u deserve them

anyway anyway then part 1 main events. zeppeli, the only real father figure in jonathan’s life, dies, also in place of jonathan. i have no doubt in my mind jonathan feels like he’s a curse onto his loved ones at this point, if he hadn’t thought so earlier; a bad luck charm. after all, the later generations of joestar gotta get it from somewhere-

anyway this death does fuel jonathan enough to kill dio rather than any notions he mightve had of just dying heroically in the fight. esp because dio was gonna continue hurting people if he wasn’t stopped. so jonathan kills him rather than falling into a self-destructive fate

we see, when jonathan weeps over dio’s “death”, that he is sad over this death. most of this is bc dio was a brother in some measure to him since dio changed tactics of how he’d swipe the joestar fortune and became a little more amicable toward jonathan for a handful of years, as well as the fact that he now had time to properly mourn zeppeli/his father now. but i feel like another death he was mourning in this instance was less dio/his father/zeppeli, and more the death of his self-blame line of thought

 killing dio, a man who had become a symbol for jonathan’s self-blame and self-disdain, was a big stepping stone in jonathan’s healing i feel like. he’s gotta work on it obviously but i think at this point, when he had the guts to kill dio while also being self-preservative, he was ready to start trying to live for himself in addition to his loved ones. he was ready to unshoulder the guilt he had felt his whole life. he was ready to heal, because erina, speedwagon, and zeppeli showed him he had something inside him that was worth loving. and he might not have gotten it then but with time...maybe he would

he finally starts piecing a life together, a real life. he marries erina, he’s besties with speedwagon, he gets a new home, it’s good, it’s good, he is starting to become happy in life and happy he’s alive for the first time since he can remember

but then it turns out dio is not actually dead and he infiltrated jonathan’s honeymoon ship specifically because it was jonathan’s and he kills almost everyone on board while he’s there. erina is in danger again. a child is in danger. and much like dio was never actually dead, neither was his tendency to shoulder blame and self-disdain

basically, as a result of this jarring situation on a day that was supposed to be one of the happiest of his life, jonathan is thrown back to his 12 year old mindset; it was fine if it was just him. he can die heroically via fighting someone as vile as dio (which in my opinion is why dio even got the jump on him via the laser eyes in the first place; jonathan shouldve been able to dodge that........but w/e). but he can’t let this happen to the world. he can’t let this happen to erina. he needs her to get away from him and thus, the danger

and well, we know how part one ends. jonathan gets his wish. he dies alone with the person he hates most, having relapsed all the healing he had done. he dies a heroic death rather than a “shameful” one of suicide. he dies blaming himself for this mess, just how he had lived most of his life

jonathan is a tragedy. he is shouldered blame unfairly given to him from his father, dio, and he himself his whole fucking life. when he finally, finally has the chance to start healing and making peace with himself, dio kills him, and in addition to that, jonathan’s last acts are the results of a mental rebound from a healthier mindset to a unhealthy one, that culminates in his death. he is alone with the person who is representative of all that made his life shit when he dies

and dawg...it hurts so bad. fucking jonathan joestar

anyway this is why comments abt how nice he is make me so sad sumtimes, especially when it’s re how forgiving/”gentlemanly” he is. it’s bc he felt he deserved that hurt in the first place so of course he wouldn’t hold it against them. he’s kinda shocked someone would feel guilty over it in the first place, but he’s happy to forgive because he doesnt think a slight occured because he thinks he deserved it, which we can see in speedwagon’s introduction

anyway jonathan is as much of a tragedy as the rest of the joestars i need people to acknowledge this. im in tears

[cherienymphe]

You don’t have to post this cause I don’t wanna cause discourse on your blog over this dumbass topic but I’m so frustrated and I need to rant. I literally got into this useless huge argument over Sebastian Stan with a bunch of ppl on Twitter. Commented under a tweet that was like “Sebastian Stan and Chris Pratt are clear examples as to why I only support actors that are clear in their political stances” and I said “exactly” bc the original poster was 100% correct. And then in came the tone deaf Sebastian Stan fans replying to everyone in the comments being like “oh my gosh seb has done nothing, how is he responsible for his racist gf” and I was like “if you are with a racist. That makes you racist. It’s a simple concept. And it doesn’t help that he’s someone with a huge platform that has stayed silent abt the events of the past year” and here they go with “celebrities aren’t obligated to be politicians, he’s a normal human blah. Blah. Blah.” And I went “so to speak out against racism makes you political🧐🧐” and then they just started spewing more bullshit. It’s so fucking frustrating that ppl cant get their head out of their faves ass for 2 seconds just to see their faults.

I think so many people are unable to understand that you can be a fan of someone and still criticize them. Those two things can and certainly should exist. In Sebastian’s case, he’s definitely done things (or lack thereof) that makes it valid for people to side eye him or not even want to be a fan at all. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people who are die hard fans don’t get this. I can understand why people are still fans (outside of the obvious reasons) bc there is a lot of gray area. It’s not like this man has come out and said he’s a trump supporter or that he doesn’t care about minorities and his gf could honestly be a much better person now so it gives room for people to give him the benefit of the doubt and try to think the best, but on the other hand, it’s that same silence and lack of acknowledgment on these things that makes people think negatively of him. Anyone with common sense can see that he’s very much playing it safe and I personally don’t see that as a good thing bc why would you want to play it safe when it comes to things like racism? I wouldn’t want racists or bigots of any kind to feel comfortable with me

[crowned-ladybug]

My Big Ramble about the demon cultural significance of shed antlers/horns/whatever, copy-pasted straight from discord and then edited a bit bc I wanna have it somewhere where I can show it to ppl but also I'm not retyping this in a hundred years:

Okay so. i was thinking of the problem of What The Fuck do antlered demons do with their antlers once they shed them

And ofc it changes from culture to culture and also demons who don’t live in communities with a lot of antlered demons might just. not attribute any significance to it and just treat it like cut hair and nails and whatnot, since for non-antlered demons this just isn't a Thing that ever needed a Solution or cultural significance

(sidenote, Caesar himself also lives/lived in an area where most demons have horns or no horns/antlers at all and he got separated from his cultural roots as a kid bc of what happened to his family, so what remains with him is mostly a mix of what he still remembers (sadly clouded over by  trauma) + how he let that keep growing + what others do around him that he just. adopts p easily)

One of the things in demon cultures that give any significance to shed antlers is that keeping your most recent shed ones until your next shed means like. accepting death or at least the inevitability of it. Bc in those cultures, a tradition upon death is building a pyre decorated with plants/fabrics/etc that the deceased demon loved/would have loved or was associated with, and it’s topped with their shed antlers if available, and then ofc the whole thing burned. The like mythos around it is that it’s supposed to be the burning of mortal ties and remains so that the deceased’s spirit can go free, without having to desecrate the body or needing to have a body around at all (both bc bad shit happens and bc i feel like with summoning demons being A Thing, ppl just Not Coming Home is a lot more ingrained as a possibility in demon consciousness than it is in human)

So in those cultures, keeping your last shed antlers somewhere easy to find is like. making sure your loved ones can bury you properly if you were to die this year. It’s not necessarily a sad thing, it can v much just be. acceptance

Another thing that can happen depending on culture is keeping at least one antler from a significant year of one’s life, let that be bad or good. One may keep the antlers they shed after their child was born or after someone passed away, a first successful contract or a significant change - anything that feels like a turning point in one’s life. These antlers are kept as reminders and symbolic like. physical manifestation of those memories that are said to have grown into them like how the rings in a cut of tree tell you of its life. When it comes to the worst times, one may also choose to keep the antler as a reminder that they had survived and kept growing despite everything, and they can do it again

Depending on the exact reason they're being kept, these antlers may become displayed decoration, usually with added decorative elements like lines of beads, ribbons, or even dried flowers. A family home might have a mismatched pair of antlers displayed over the fireplace for example, the shed antlers of the parents from the year they married! Once again depending on the story behind them, these antlers may also become memorabilia passed down through generations

And with the belief that your memories grow into your antlers, if something horrible happens and one swears revenge for it, and then sheds their antlers, they could decide to use the shed antlers to incorporate them into an actual item with use instead of decoration, something that has something to do with the revenge, like a lucky charm (potentially to destroy once the revenge has been seen though) or a weapon (see kinda how in brother bear Denahi ties Kenai’s totem necklace around his spear which he uses to try and kill the bear that killed his brothers)

And going off of that - it'd make a lot of sense to me now for Caesar to have something like that after the death of his family. i doubt he had the skill/knowledge to make his own shed antlers into an actual Weapon, but a charm to serve as a reminder i guess?? a physical manifestation of all his grief and anger, to be finally destroyed when he sees his destiny through??? yeah i can v much see that. Just a small shed antler, maybe half the size of Caesar's current ones originally and now broken in half to be easier to carry around, the names of Caesar's lost family carved into it clumsily. Once Kars is dead and Caesar can truly live happily in the castle, during one of his trips back to the demon world he remembers it and brings it back home. and since he's got his revenge, he's got so much more too, and this chapter of his destiny is fulfilled, he finally gets to burn it

And the original idea i had about this regarding Caesar that still stands is that. we joked about what they do with his first shed horns, the one intact and one broken one, and yeah they still goof around with it and trick poor Speedwagon and all that, that doesn't change. But since the past year had been one of the hardest years of Caesar life, and the year when so much significant stuff had happened to him, i feel like he'd keep it. He doesn't display it anywhere, maybe bc he's not used to seeing demon antlers being displayed anymore (esp as something positive instead of. hunting trophies), maybe bc this one just feels more private than that. He ties some beads on it that feel Right, and then wraps it in some pretty fabric to protect it and hides it safely in the depths of a drawer

Also, based on this, a large part of demons celebrate their new year around antler shedding season?? While not all demons have antlers, it’s something that started in the communities of those who do and slowly became universal and more detached from tradition as a more widespread measurement of time and whatnot became established ages and ages ago

And, okay, additional new stuff:

Taking/owning a demon’s shed antlers is not really something you should do?? Like, as far as being appropriate goes

Taking a shed antler without express permission is seen as a violation of like. bodily autonomy and shit and a form of trophy keeping that’s just really Not Good if you think about it (with the exception of parents keeping their children’s baby antlers and whatnot). Giving away your shed antler to someone however is something of Huge significance bc it’s like you’re handing someone a lil piece of you. Mostly it might happen when someone has had a huge positive impact on the year of your life that that antler comes from. Giving someone yout antler is a huge sign of gratitude and love and respect and it is not to be taken lightly

Giving someone your broken horn/antler however has a Completely different meaning. It’s also a lot more archaic and rarely actually practiced anymore, and it means you’re swearing revenge on the person you’re giving your broken horn/antler to. It once again builds upon the belief of memories growing into the antler, and you’re handing this person the physical manifestation of the horrible things they have done to you, as a reminder that you will come and take revenge on them someday. (It is/was most often done after events that actually resulted in that horn/antler being broken but in extreme cases one might choose to break their own horn/antler for the sake of this tradition, which is seen as like. extreme dedication to this revenge, to the point of being willing to dedicate your whole existence to it and letting it consume you). Broken horns are also typically delivered by mail/a hired messenger instead of given in person

There are also ofc sayings in demonic languages that reflect these traditions/beliefs. “Keeping/holding onto one’s antlers” means being really old/being on death’s door (kinda swallowing the meaning of having made peace with death and somewhat distorting the tradition itself in everyday life). There’s sayings about giving someone your antler/your antler belonging to them that are great declarations of love (not necessarily romantic) and “having one’s horn broken” is euphemism to some great tragedy happening to that person. “No need to break your horn/antler over it” means to stop making a huge deal out of a small slight

[cuziloveyou7]

15 questions

I was tagged by the always wonderful: @randombtsprincessa ofcourse!

Tagging: @everyone who wants to do it, @taevolucion, @an-annyeoing-writer, @kittylefayy, @oheyura, @http-je0n, @swthhhie

1. It’s your birthday! What did you ask for and did you receive it?

Okay so I'm the most basic person because I never know what to ask for. I usually ask for money or gift cards so I can buy my skincare or make up (which I don't use tbh but I just love make up so much!!!). Love to get flowers! Got them once from mom! My mom does have a whole list of ce moi... so far she promised to get me but still haven't received....

2. What was the last song or album you listened to?

Okay so imma do both! Last song was Badass women by Meghan Trainor (I needed happy and confidence) and last album was Eric Nam's The other side!

3. What is your go-to snack when you’re hungry or bored?

Ehmmm... so I rarely eat unless I'm actually hungry (blame the eating disorder, I'm good now tho but old habits die hard) so skyflex maybe? Because the only time I do do this is when it's period time and it's just a mess with what I want to eat!

4. What is your morning routine?

On a work day I wake up at 5 am, take a shower, wash my face, dress half way, skincare, eat, brush my teeth, dress fully, go to work. On days off I set my alarm at a comfortable time, slowly wake up, either shower after getting out or just lazy around the living before taking a shower, eat and play games, make some moodboards, day dream or go out if I have anything planned. I'm having a gap year so yeah imma take it slow! Can't do much with Rona anyways!

5. What mythical/cryptic creature would you be?

I was highly convinced I was the embodiment of a unicorn but I don't think I deserve that title. I wish I could be a Valkyrie because they badass. But I also kinda wanna be a mermaid/siren or fairy/fae/pixie! Idk man lemme be all!

6. How do you interact with someone that you don’t like?

Kinda nonchalant... idk I be nice and be normal but I don't put much effort in that person.

7. How do you define a toxic person?

Yooo! Das hard tho! Because I've met different types of toxic ppl. The ones I usually interact with are usually takers and I've always been a giver! I'm working on getting the right proportion of both because either one is very unhealthy on it's own. It's like ying and yang, you gotta find balance peeps! Ohh and toxic ppl usually make it so you think you're always in the wrong and at fault..

8. Have you ever been to a concert or fan meet type of event? If not, would you want to?   

This is a sad story... I've only been to 1 concerts in my whole 20 years of life... would've been 2 in july but no BTS for me thanks to Rona.... I would love to go to more concerts in the future when it's possible again! But for now stay safe loves!

9. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?

Eehhh.. yes and no? Like there are certain aspects I do. Also I'm more into the spiritual side of it? If that's what you can call it tho? Like the random posts you see on sm I don't take to heart. Also those magazine astrology is junk. Idk man it's hard because I also think you define you! You are your own person and that's the tea! Bc if I was to completely believe it I would be a pessimistic, workaholic who is most likely obsessed with money and success...

10. If you had only one sense (hearing, touch, sight, etc.) what would you want?

Sight! I have so much respect for people who can't see or have really bad vision. I can't imagine not being able to see all the wonderful things life offers❤

11. Who is your favorite celebrity or idol?

BTS! Tbh I used to have a lot of ppl on this list but everyone so problematic, so far BTS aren't problematic and just overal sweethearts and baby! It's some of our toxic amry fam I wanna bash sometimes..

12. If you could talk to your favorite celebrity(ies) for a limited time, what would you tell them?

Like, thank you! For real! These guys are like a remedy for whenever I'm down or when my severe mental health issues start acting up again.

Also you guys are awesome, be healthy, be happy, be safe, never ever doubt yourself cause you're all doing a great job. Nobody knows what they're actually doing, life is weird but from what I can see you're doing a great job at it. One day I want to be able to help and impact others lives as much as you guys 💜

13. I’m taking you out on a date and it’s your choice. Where are we going?

YOOO!!! I have been thinking about this a lot as of recent years! Since romance seems to be non existent until now (someone was flirting with me for the first time and it was awful but a fun experience hahaha) I never thought about it. I knew dinner is off the table, because I just don't enjoy eating out. At first I was like going to the film is great, I don't have to talk and it won't be awkward. But that's just awful because how we get to know more things about eachother? So what I would really enjoy is going to an amusement park/carnival or fair (whatever it's called) or like fun game things like lasergaming/paintball/karting/arcade/ those wood climbing things? Idk what it's called. It's so much fun, it's active and you're getting to know each other! It doesn't feel formal and stuck up. After sometime I would also enjoy going to art galleries or museums, picknicks are cute too! But I feel like those are more intimate so I want the fun and crazy stuff first hahaha.

14. Do you like sweet or savory foods?

Savory kinda gall but I do love myself some sweets. So depends on the food.

15. Do you have any band merchandise or merchandise from any of your favorite artists? If so, what?

YES MA'AM!!!! so most is bts! Got key chains, BT21 YALL!!! album! Rubber bracelet, posters, pins and a gorgeous bag designed by my gurliepren! Also got an exo chain from a friend and that's it so far! I want more, A LOT MORE!!! because I stan enough peeps!

[freewheelshippin]

30 utapri questions!

Thanks @dekiaibadchoices​ for the tag, this was an awesome way to wind down after a ton of nonstop busy busy busy!!! (and thanks for tagging this blog vs the general utapri one so i can REALLY gush LOL) Here’s the OG meme! 

1. Your best boy?

BANANAMAN RAN WHO ELSE  

2. Your least favorite boy?

“least favorite” implies dislike which...not true! truthfully it’s much of HEAVENS by nature of ‘I haven’t spent as much time getting to know these characters so I don’t really know who they are.’ (though I already know I love to go for drinks and snacks with Van hehe) i do like all of HEAVENS quite a bit from what i’ve seen so far but that affection has not had time to ripen! 

3. A character that you never thought you would love as much as you do now?

mnmnj ranran tbh 

4. A character you can relate to in any way?

I can’t answer everything with Ranmaru but like. His ambition, straightforwardness, and how the soul and spirit of music motivate him to move forward beyond a tough past are things I same hat so much ;; But HONESTLY I also relate a lot to Masa and Tokiya, especially in their moments of self-doubt and dramatic commitment to to their art? 

5. A character that you think deserves more love?

Oh, Cecil, without a doubt. He’s such a resilient, committed, and open-hearted cutie and gets really shafted by canon tbh. Which makes it harder for everyone to see what a great boy this sweetie is! But I appreciate how Shining Live has given him some room to have really cute and standout moments so everyone can love him more but okay like, give me more Ceci and Ran palling around I love him most when they’re up to shenanigans 

6. A character you would want as your partner?

well we’re posting this fuckin here so you all fuckin know (im very embarrass rn i can barely say it lmao) 

(for the record i would also very much like to be friends with reiji and syo, they are cool people i think i’d get along with! and i know myself, if i knew otoya or masato IRL i’d just be like ‘well. that’s my son now’ and basically appoint myself their tough big sis-type-friend lookin out for them lol) 

7. A character you would want as your mentor/senpai?

I would swallow a pinecone before I called him ‘onii-san’ but teach me how to network kotobuki-senpai 

(No, like, forreal, I suck so, so bad at a ton of stuff Reiji is aces at, and I respect the hell out of his *waves* general everything and skilll navigating the industry. Since I’m a goofy, jokey, overenthusiastic teacher for work a lot it’d be nice to be on the receiving end of all that energy! and be a fucking decent kouhai that isn’t so horribly unappreciative of all his hard work and good cheer ) 

8. Your favorite ship?

shut your whore mouth i dont have the marbles to write it out 

(tbh it’s also Haru/Tomo, I just feel so much more romantic chemistry between those two than Haru and any of the boys u___u  Friends’ selfship stuff goes without saying, haha, and ngl I’m kind of About a Ren/Van rivalry hatemance? can i call it a kismesis thing? it’s a kismesis thing.) 

(actually no I think I’m just a member of the “Ren Fucks and sometimes it’s Hatesex” club) 

9. A character that you want to cosplay/have already cosplayed?

I had plans to cosplay Ranmaru a couple months ago bc it’s really not much of a stretch for my wardrobe, haha, but I dunno about that anymore! Part of it was wanting the Euphoria of looking like a tough, twunky, princely anime character but tbqh I’m already that every day of my life so 

I suppose if you were to pull my leg I’d go for cosplaying Van, mostly because I wanna try that mullet on for myself. 

10. Favorite side character?

TOMO!! LOVE U BITCH WHEN WILL I HEAR U SINGGGGGG 

11. Your favorite solo song?

god this is horrible how can I decide??? so many good ones??? I think it’s a draw between Top Star Revolution, No. 1, Brand New Melody, Wild Soul, Seien Brave Heart, and Junketsu Nara Ai ~Aspiration~ ??? 

12. Your favorite duet song?

HMMMMM again too many good ones. Three-way tie between Haru Hana, NorthWind and SunShine, and Original Resonance! 

13. Your favorite trio song?

Ahhh Dream More than Love is really nostalgic bc it’s the first Utapri song I really loved, but i gotta be real. It’s just Egoistic. There’s just no getting better than Egoistic 

14. Your favorite group song?

mmmm i’m be basic. Poison Kiss 

15. Your least favorite song?

I love Ai and Shouta Aoi’s incredible voice but......I’m really not a fan of super slow, overly-saccharine songs. u__u so A.I. really, really doesn’t land with me, much less so than easygoing (like Knocking on the Mind) or somber (like Winter Blossom) songs. 

16. Your favorite singer?

ranran...it’s always ranran...

(I do also adore Natsuki’s and Camus’s voices! I tend to like deeper, richer vocal qualities, but you just can’t beat Ranmaru’s subtle growls and high-energy rock!!!! <3) 

17. Your favorite group/trio/duo?

god what combo of these idiots DONT i love? I could watch Reiji prank and tease Ranmaru all fuckin day, and I also really like it when Ran’s at his most ‘tuff big bro-y’ with, like, Ai, Otoya, and Cecil!!! but honestly I do like how the Ran/Masa/Ren trio isn’t so straightforward and is more or less held together by a thin string of professionalism, there’s something i appreciate about not forcing ppl to just bury the hatchet and be Perfect Friends but you all can still care about each other? (Ranmaru needs to be nicer to them still but...) 

i need to suggest one that isn’t ranmaru centric fjdsioafjsa i fuckin love Soccer Buds (otosyo) and I loooooove it when Otoya and Cecil are good to each other!!! 

18. Your favorite member of Starish?

they’re all my favorite but if you REALLY had to make me pick.....Masato, probably, haha. I just...if you take yourself too seriously and care so much about everything but still know how to be Nasty how can I not love you??? 

19. Your favorite member of Quartet Night?

what do you fuckin think, hoss 

20. Your favorite member of Heavens?

I mentioned earlier I don’t really know Heavens well, so ofc this is all liable to change! But off the bat I love what a conniving yet wholesome bastard Eiichi is and Van is just the kinda guy I would rib and pal around with IRL!! 

21. Your favorite seiyuu/voice actor?

Ahhh that’s tough! I love all these goofbags, and Tattsun really is just so cool and makes music I’m pretty about. But I think I gotta give it to Suwabe, his performances are always so him but still pretty varied, and how can you not adore a man who loves his chihuahuas that much??? 

(if i’m being 100% honest Tattsun lost points bc he voices my absolute least favorite character in granblue ffjsfjisda) 

22. Favorite Drama CD?

HMMMMMMM see as a certified Giant Tool for Everything Mecha and silly and extra, I enjoyed the hell out of Polaris, but it really suffers from a lack of Ranmaru in my humble fuckin opinion lmao. So even though I’m not one for pirate stuff most of the time, I gotta give it to Pirates of the Frontier!! I really loved Ranmaru and Otoya’s dynamic in that one, and Camus was juuuuust the right amount of shitheel, too. 

I haven’t heard the whole thing but that thing from Egoistic where Natsuki squeezes Ranmaru to death and Eiichi’s just like ‘WUAHAHAHAHAH’ is also the mcfuckin best. 

23. Your favorite shining live card?

CAN’T PICK 

HOW COULD I POSSIBLY PICK?????????? LIKE??? I love the fucking dumb, dumb, dumb ostentatiousness of Evil Villains, I LOVE a good heel, and I also worked so so hard to t1 that event and had a lot of fun doing it!! But also, I just love his big smile and all the energy and mixed prints from Fortune and Prosperity, and it was literally the first time I ever got the exact card I was rolling for in a gacha on the last pull I had left!! (He also came home during a time I was really going through some shit, and ngl it rescued me a little bit!) but AHHHH Soulful Bass also came out right around my birthday, I love all the textures in the outfit and it’s generally the most My Aesthetique thing Utapri has ever released!!! And god, I just love it when he’s so confident and in his element like this, it sets me on FIRE to see him light up the stage wurghjgfj ;___; They all make me just want to HUG SO MUCH ARGGHHHHH 

24. Your favorite song beatmap?

Ahhh I think Shining Live really has great beatmaps across the board so that’s a tough pick! Almost all of them are super fun in their own way, but I think I gotta hand it to Wild Soul, Top Star Revolution, and Innocent Wind! 

25. Your least favorite song beatmap?

A.I. u__u Sorry, Ai...it’s just not fun for me.

26. Black Deja Vu or White Gravity?

Actually I’m really glad for this question bc I’ve been so busy lately I hadn’t given myself the time to really check them out! checking ......... 

and yep. Black Deja Vu. (I mean...Ranmaru is on it, haha.) But I’m so about this. Love this heavier sound and all these harmonies, this is so juicy. (White Gravity also absolutely kicks ass though!! I’m really liking that voice group, it’s making especially good use of those higher registers!) 

27. Utapri merch that you own/want?

Honestly I don’t have much u__u Not a lot of Utapri merch is my thing...you know? I’m mostly shopping for Ran merch if I’m getting any, but I’m very picky about how he gets drawn? Keeping his toughness and a particular clothing style about him is so essential, haha, and barely anything hits that sweet spot for me. But I will say I adored the whole ‘My Favorite Things’ series, and if I had the budget and space atm I’d love to get some of the Ran goodies from that line! 

28. How did you get into Utapri?

I first heard about it through some acquaintances from cosplay before Quartet Night was a thing. It didn’t appeal enough to my heavy metal ass to make me drop everything and try it, but I did have an interest in it I couldn’t explain and I’d always intended on trying it out. (especially after I got into Love Live and idol anime for a bit.) But it was Shining Live that got me! And I really only downloaded Shining Live because I was super exhausted after a business trip, didn’t want to leave bed once I got back home, and just wanted to sink my teeth in something new I could enjoy for hours while lying down, haha.  

29. A set theme in shining live that you want to see in the future?

This will surprise nobody, but something tougher. More rock, more punk, more metal. I want all of them in studs and spikes and leather, and I want less polish. More rough! 

I’d also love a wrestler set complete with who’s-a-heel-who’s-a-face but that’s a pipe dream and a half, lmao. 

30. Why do you love your best boy?

Oh boy. 

I think he’s this powerhouse of a human bean who can face a ton of pain and meet it with a big middle finger. And that middle finger is chasing after ambitious dreams, of spreading the power and soul of the same music that made me who I am and influences so much of my work, but also being ... you know, smart about it? He’s an idol because like, sure, maybe it’s not the OG dream, but you can’t dream if you’re dead, and you also deserve to give yourself a life and platform to share some of who you are, and you can do a lot of good with that, too. (And I won’t lie, I respect the drama of a man who takes his hair that seriously and commits so hard to the aesthetic he wears fuckin mismatched contacts i just. charm point ) 

But at the same time....I don’t know, this might sound presumptuous, but. I think. I just think he’d think I’m as neat as I think he is. I’m an ambitious, passionate person, too, and I also furiously stick to my ideals, and I also love the same kind of soul of music he does. I lean a little more metal than I do rock, but I think that’s nice, like sharing it has that ‘alike but different’ kind of familiarity and novelty all at once. Sometimes it’s tough sharing just how deeply rock and metal have sculpted me and my artwork (and therefore my career), bc it’s so deeply personal to me, and sometimes there’s weird elitism/misogyny/racism to deal with, too. But. The way he talks about rock, the way he describes the passion and how it transcends identity and is just a pure rush of power and sharing your feelings..................it just feels like he Gets it the same way I do. Just that unspoken, burning passion and understanding. I know it sounds weird to feel that strongly over just a music genre, but I just vibe with how to him, it really isn’t ‘just’ a music genre. I feel more accepting of myself for it, and I’d like to think he’d be real proud of himself for that.  

And listen, like....I’m very sentimental, but I really don’t like saccharine, flowery, romantic kinds of affection to be lavished on me. Just be straightforward but also a little tsun about it fjdsjfas and ..... those are the kind of feelings I can accept. And that’s the way Ranmaru is, and it’s also grounded in the kind of reality that I don’t like to be swept away from. He’s just so cool and hardworking and unwavering in his passion, it makes it easier for me to do the same despite all the bumps in the road. This got real long but Ran’s a cool dude, haha, I got a lot of positives to say. 

Anyways, I never tag folks for these things, but I love seeing everyone’s answers! If you see this and wanna fill it, feel free to count this as a tag from me :) I know this got real long, but with 30 questions how could it not haha? Thanks for reading and sticking around! 

[flyingcookierambles]

plans for 2020???

uhhuhuhuhuhuhhhh

graduate college

get a part time job and take a gap year for academia/save up money while job hunting for my first Real Adult Job?????

figure out my gender??????????????? probably switch to like they/she pronouns or something bc i realized that every time i post something on twitter/snapchat/tumblr/whatever i always refer to myself as a “a foolish child who makes bad financial decisions” or “a person who makes their wallet cry” or like “guess who just spent like $40 on a steam sale???? this kidddddddddd” like ive always just been unconsciously referring to myself in like third person or they/them/gender neutral pronouns?????? like. i dont think that in any tweet/toot/snap ive ever written i’ve called myself something like “a foolish girl” or “a girl who makes her wallet cry” or anything so like theres that. and honestly ive made/been making some posts about this gender thing for like the past year. ive asked the cool mods at feminism and media about it (ill post the screenshot later). ive changed my main tumblr about page which i dont think anyone’s ever visited since it’s listed under “hi” and like maybe i should change it to “about”? anyways ive like changed most of my stuff online to be something like “gender questioning, but she/her pronouns are fine for now” or like “gender questioning/probably nonbinary” and then just straight up changed my facebook pronouns to they/them (but im p sure my family hasnt noticed thank goodness cuz thats not a can of worms i wanna explain to a bunch of religious baby boomers rn), changed my myanimelist gender to non-bianary (again why is this a thing? a rando blue anime hellsite is not the place i expected to have this option but like im not complaining so lol), and also put “gender questioning, probably non-binary” in the write in gender option on goodreads so like. uhhh. i guess im probably non-binary????? but also im a terrible and indecisive person so like every time i say im probably non-binary my stupid brain goes back to bein like. wait is this some internalized misogyny that makes me not want to be a girl/cis girl? but also i find the dysphoria memes/jokes on the egg_irl subreddit really relatable and its just a bad cycle in which i go “oh these gender dysphoria memes on a trans subreddit are really relatable” -> “huh maybe. im not a girl???” -> brain awakened to being not a girl -> self doubt of brain might have internalized misogyny -> haha im a cis girl even tho i always refer to myself with they/them pronouns in writing -> haha wait that doesnt sound right a cis person wouldnt refer to themself with gender neutral pronouns right -> i know, ill go to a sub that i know makes gender dysphoria jokes and caused this self doubt/gender questioning in the first place with dumb jokes like “would you push a button?” and this meme but replace the “im bi” with “im ace” -> haha these gender dysphoria jokes are really relatable -> oh no (repeat this hell cycle of self doubt for 2 years and its me haha) 

regarding the above example sentences of steam sales and my finances, uhhhh, i wanna play more video games this year. and actually finish them. because i think according to steamdb or whatever account rating site it is, my account’s games net worth is something ridiculous like $600. and like. ive only played like 30% of the stuff i own. so uh. i should get my moneys worth and play stuff

the above resolution does not apply to games that are technically endless with no real goal/end, such as the sims, cities skyline, prison architect, etc. this resolution applies only to games that do have an end, such as nameless, pesterquest, steins;gate, etc.

the above resolution also may have some exceptions due to technical issues or time since some games, mostly japanese visual novels like steins;gate, are not compatible with macbooks i guess maybe they’re not popular with gamers (not surprising the macbooks has terrible venting lol) and also maybe not popular in japan so japanese companies just dont think to port things to mac os??? idk what the issue is here exactly but like since im in a college dorm and not at home ill only have access to my macbook for a majority of the time.

also similar to the “finish the games” thing, i should read, or at least attempt to read, all the books i’ve brought. i have so so many ebooks. that are unread. yet i also keep buying more books. i should stop buying books and finish the ones i do have and also use the library more.

also i should probably figure out how to save money lol. im 22. but im constantly broke. 

also i should uhhh probably find more diverse books lol. like i love my shitty indie fantasy books and stuff but the protag is usu a white dude so like eh. but also. sometimes when i read books w female protags im like haha cant relate. and then the gender questioning sets in once again. is it because im probably non-binary? or am i actually trans or something???????? i mean i hang out on egg_irl, a mostly mtf trans sub, but also an occasional non-binary or ftm trans post comes up which is also nice to see. idk mannnnnnn lollll

also there was this whole like haha cant relate brain reaction to my school’s vagina monologues event when i went in to listen to my nursing major friend have some monologue. like she talked about some thing about like delivering a baby and it was kinda near the end of the event bc i got there late and the ones that i did hear at the end were just like haha cant relate but also ive been told that the monologues that year were particularly terf-y, probs in response to my college turning co-ed (it was up until i think 2 years before i entered a womens college and the older students, alumni and current students that were there at the time, were apparently super pissed about it, so the school i guess doubled down on “(cis) girl power!” but also kinda excluded trans/gender queer ppl that weren’t cis girls in the process)

gender is stupid i feel like id much rather not have to deal with it/pick a label to be and move on with life lol but my brain wont let me

push this internal gender crisis out of my mind by playing a ton of video games/reading a ton of books/do school work ig hahahahahaha

[emorishh]

literally all i need in life is for kids to think that i’m cool. literally all i fucking need is twelve year olds to laugh at my vine references and think i’m the coolest adult ever.

i’m literally so fucking far from the definition of an adult at this moment like. everyone my age knows how to function and is all like “look at me i can leave my dorm without panicking! look at me get groceries on a regular basis!” like no fuck that im so poorly adjusted bc my add wasn’t treated until my senior year in high school and now i’m fuckin struggling to take showers every couple of days let alone do my fuckin homework.

like fUCK all i need is to be liked by middle schoolers and children because they’re all so fucking valid and i just want them to think i’m cool so i can teach them and guide them and shit. all the validation i need comes from an eight year old gasping at my art because “wow it’s so pretty!!!”. like fuck yeah dude it sure is and i’m gonna start CRYING cuz ur just a bapy and i love u so much.

just like. fuck this adult bullshit i want the joy and simplicity of being best friends with a bunch of tweens doing some shit adults think is “cringey”. like. FUCK. ngl. just briefly, just to remind myself what it feels like. just briefly i wanna go back to when i was thirteen and i was able to actually write because i wasn’t stopped by crippling self doubt and executive dysfunction and all this weight pushing me into the mattress of my bed, the mattress with sheets i haven’t washed in weeks because doing a simple task is the equivalent of standing at the bottom of a mountain looking up.

i want to tell kids and young teens that life is really cool, and yeah it’ll be a dick sometimes, but things get better even if they get worse first. i want to make sure they don’t make the same mistakes i made. i want to encourage them in the ways i should’ve been encouraged, in the ways that WORK. not in the ways that just make me feel worse about everything. i want to tell every growing kid that yes, their problems ARE real and valid, and holy shit, PLEASE go to a psychiatrist, because the mental illness you think you have is definitely a mental illness you actually have. i want to tell them that self diagnosis is the first step in a real official medical diagnosis. i want to tell them that anyone who tells you to stop self diagnosing because they think you want to be “special” can and should FUCK OFF.

i want to tell them to get help sooner rather than later, i want to tell them that the bare minimum is better than nothing at all, i want to tell them that you’re RIGHT to say that adults aren’t always right, because adults are WRONG, like, a LOT. I want to tell them that being older is practically the exact same as being a kid, except you just know more. being an adult does not grant you access to infinite knowledge and understanding. being an adult is just being a kid with way more responsibilities and a lot more knowledge. being an adult does not mean you instantly know what you’re doing and can function normally in society, because fuck, SO many of us have NO IDEA what we’re doing, and we’re SCARED. i want to make sure they KNOW that adults are struggling too, that so many of us are panicking just like they are.

i don’t really have a great conclusion to this post. i just. FUCK. like. i just wanna be friends with kids because they’re so cool and it’s the best feeling ever when they think IM cool. cuz like, so many ppl my age know how to do stuff, and have like. jobs and friends and events they go to. and i just. i’m poorly adjusted and immature. and most of that has to do with the adhd that went untreated for the large majority of my life, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t valid.

that doesn’t mean it’s separate from my personality.

cuz like i’m hyper and immature and awkward and weird and childish and chaotic as fuck and a lot of that stems from my untreated adhd. that shit caused my social development to basically become non existent.

i read books in class, i read books at recess, i read books during lunch. i loved to play with kids my age when we were playing tag or making sand castles or playing make believe games. but then everyone started wanting to talk instead of run around on the playground and i was alone and there was no more tag. no more easy way to connect with my peers in a way that didn’t involve talking to them. because when i talked to them it was awkward. i wanted to talk about mermaids and climbing trees and how cool the characters are in these awesome books i’m reading.

i just.

ugh.

life is hard and i’m not doing good. i want to help kids in the ways that i could’ve been helped as a kid, but wasn’t.

and also, going back to the very first point i made in this post, like, disregarding all the serious stuff...

having kids think you’re cool is THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD.

anyways thank you for coming to my ted talk, if you read all of that you’re braver than any us marine, and holy shit, if you’re reading this and you suspect you might have a mental illness but you’re not sure... YOU HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS PLEASE GET HELP BECAUSE EVEN IF ITS NOT THE ONE YOU THINK IT IS ITS DEFINITELY SOMETHING THAT WILL MESS U UP LATER IN LIFE IF U DONT GET HELP RN

okay i’m gonna stop typing now HAIL AND FAREWELL MY DUDES AND DON’T FORGET TO LIKE SHARE AND SUBSCRIBE UWU

[shrimpcolour]

answer them all coward

take two after closing the tab when i was almost done w every question im gonna fucking lose my shit

angel; do you have a nickname?

people call me nicknames but i hate any variation of taylor

awe; how old are you?

16

baby; favorite color?

lilac

bloop; spirit animal?

kitten

blossom; favorite book/movie/song?

Fahrenheit 451 im1 shes so man matchbox 20 

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child?

my lamby who i still sleep w everynight bc i am baby

breeze; most precious childhood memory?

getting told i can keep my cats

bright; mermaids or fairies?

fairies all the way

bubbles; do you have a best friend?

not so sure i do

buttercup; showers or baths?

shower

butterfly; dream destination?

anywhere outside of the us

buttons; are you religious or spiritual?

no but i wish i was

calm; favorite scent?

vanilla

candlelight; what did you dream about last night?

some fuckshit on the beach

charming; have you ever been in love?

yes

cozy; eye/hair color?

blue/brown

cuddly; what’s your favorite time period?

time is fake

cupcake; favorite flower/plant?

hibiscus 

cute; what did you get on your last birthday?

money  like a lot

cutie pie; most precious item you own?

my kitten lucifer but saying i own him sounds weird

cutsie; what makes you happy?

jillie

daisies; describe a moment when you felt free.

i cant remember

daydream; how do you want to be remembered?

i want to be remembered as nice? kind? please . 

daylight; favorite album of all time?

kindly now by keaten henson

dear; zodiac sign?

scorpio

delightful; concerts or museums?

concerts but i love museums

dimples; have you ever written a letter?

yes but i didnt send it

dobby; dream job?

something that has to do w art

doll; how do you like to dress?

i like to dress in a cute button up and jeans but that doesnt happen

dovey; any paranormal/magical experiences?

no but i wish so bad 

dreams; do you want or have any tattoos?

yes i want many tattoos and on my 18th im going w my dad to get one

drizzle; do you believe in aliens?

fuck yeah

euphoric; talk about someone you love.

i love my sister so much she is my literal will to live she is so fukcing funny and happy and just UGHHH shoutout to kaylleee

fairy; do you have a pet?

yes i have two cats, boots and lucifer, and a dog named finn

fluffy; ocean or mountain?

ocean is where its at 

forever; where do you feel time stop?

the park near me at night

froglet; are you a good plant owner?

sadly not

garden; how many languages do you know?

one bc im weak

gem; who are your favorite tumblrs?

not tagging them but like . cmon . yk

giggles; what is your aesthetic of choice?

that warm cozy library aesthetic ? i love that

glittery; do you like anons? why/why not?

i love them bc it gives me the opportunity to talk to ppl who are too scared to talk to me (please dont be scared of me)

glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself

my eyes my hair my sense of humor my friends my socks

heart; silk or lace?

silk

honey; coffee or tea? how do you take it?

coffee w almond milk

hugsy; do you enjoy people watching or bird watching more? why?

people watching bc i like to give everyone a story in my head

hunnybunch; what sounds help you sleep?

melatonin LMAO

jewel; what’s your favorite kind of weather?

rainy and cold

jiggly; what do you usually like to do on weekends?

sleep my life away

joy; do you laugh loudly or giggle more?

loud laugh baeby

kinky; do you blush easily?

i dont think so

kisses; what romantic cliché do you wish for most?

that friends to lovers mutual pining takes a little bit to realize what they want is right in front of them i love that

kitty; what’s your favorite time of the day?

1am-8am

ladybug; what’s your favorite artist to listen to when you’re sad?

keaten henson

love; what is your favorite season and why?

fall bc the weather and the holidays and my job ITS ALL TOO GOOD

lovey; what is your favorite flavor of macaron and ice cream?

i have never had a macaron but i love oreo iceceram

magic; what are five flaws you have?

i overthink AND underthink at the same time like what a dumbass bitch, i doubt myself, i am not so bright, i am too loud around ppl im comfortable with and i am selfish sometimes

moonlight; do you prefer soft pastels, warm neutrals, or cool darks?

i like all of them it depends on my mood

munchkin; what do you look for in your significant other?

i dont really look? 

paddywack; how would you describe a perfect date?

minecraft and sweatpants 

pebbles; how do you spend free time by yourself?

on minecraft or on here or just like . sitting

precious; what is something valuable that you learned in your life?

dont judge a book by its cover is so fucking cliche but like .  you gotta learn it

pretty; do you like to cook or bake more?

cook baeby

prince; how would you describe your handwriting?

lazy oops

princess; do you play any instruments? if not, are there any you wish you could play?

i played the flute when i was like 10

prinky; how do you relieve stress?

scream

pumpkin; what is your favourite kind of fruit/vegetable?

strawberry/sweet pepper

rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read?

“so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past”

roses; what is the most significant event in your life so far?

my sister being born

smile; what is one thing that has greatly affected you?

the loss of all my friends bc im fucking stupid. thats the one. 

shine; art or music?

both 

shimmer; do animals tend to like you?

they do

smitten; do you collect anything?

i collect disney pins

smoochies; how many pillows do you sleep with?

one? two?

snuggle; what is your favourite candy?

kitkats

snuggly; do you have a camera? if so, what kind?

i do but i dont know what kind and idk where it is

sparkle; do you wear jewelry?

i wear earrings  and a necklace sometimes

spooky; sunrise or sunset?

sunset

sprinkles; do you like to listen to music with headphones or no headphones?

with head phones but too loud so you can probably hear it without

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child?

hannah montana baeby

soft; describe your favourite spot in your house.  

my bed. it has so many blankets and its quiet bc of the AC and it has my favorite things

soothe; digital or vinyl?

digital

squeezed; who do you miss right now?

my best friend francesca like a lot 

sugary; what traits do you value most in friends?

loyalty 

sunshine; do you prefer for things to be practical or aesthetically pleasing?

practical? 

sweet; do you find it easy to open up?

no i dont think ive ever completely opened up if im being honest

sweetie; do you like kids? if so, do you ever want to have any?

i do! i want two kids!

thimble; is there somebody you look up to? who are they?

this is gonna sound so fucking dumb but i really look up to jenna mourey/jenna marbles

toot; what is something you find unique about yourself?

idk man im quite basic

tootsie; what kind of friend are you?

im very loyal but i tend to hold a grudge so like . thats an issue

treasure; what was something that made you smile today?

tina made me laugh shoutout to tina

velvet; are you an early bird or a night owl?

night owl 

whiffle; if you could have a magical power, what would it be?

invisibility baeby

whimsical; do you prefer doing stuff at home or going out?

home home

whiskers; do you usually wear makeup?

no but i like doing it

wiggly; are you a messy or tidy person?

messy oops

wispy; do you like the place where you grew up? do you think you will live there when you get older?

i like my town but i dont think i wanna lvie here

wobbly; have you ever wished upon a star?

yes i have

[ohjoellefarkas]

✧ *･ﾟ HAVE YOU EVER encountered someone that looked like a goddess or a doll on the outside, but after taking the time to get to know them, you slowly begin to realize that where confidence should exist lies layers of insecurity, self-doubt, and sadness ? that, or have you ever met a person that was so fortunate and lucky in various ways, but can’t help but spiral into bouts of depression due to loneliness, and lack of genuine human connection ? have you ever listened to the iconic hit LUCKY BY BRITNEY SPEARS ? if you answered yes to all, or some, of these q’s, then you��ve already had a glimpse into the life and times of my precious princess, the stunning STELLA SIMI FARKAS ! if you don’t feel like reading her bio, i 100% feel you, fam, so i’ll do you a favor and provide you some fun facts below the cut that you can read up on ! with all that said, feel free to hit the heart in the corner to lmk if you’d like to plot with me, and if you do, i’ll love you foreva and eva ! 💋

 joelle and stella’s father separated when she was around five years old. he took stella back to california with him and she hasn’t been back to rosewood since. (but has been in contact w her mom and brother.)

the  daughter  of  a  retired  rockstar  &  a  superstar  model  .  her  childhood  was  very  much  divided  &  full  of  both  music  &  fashion  .  her  father  was  happy  to  let  stella  find  her  own  path  in  life  ,  whereas  her  step mother  was  a  little  more  determined  that  she  follow  in  her  footsteps  . 

her  father’s  connections  in  the  industry  definitely  helped  her  to  climb  any ladder  ,  though  she  hates  to  acknowledge  it  . 

stella  currently  works primarily in editorial and is heavily involved on instagram . but she’s hit a small bump since joelle has convinced her ex that stella should be living a more grounded life due to the USC scandal . (hi we lov a little olivia jade inspo)

she honestly hates the idea of living with her mom because LA is her home and the thought of having to start fresh, temporary or not, gives her hives.

bc behind her mysterious chic vibe, stella is attached to her social circle and all the perks that come w being well known. even though she claims she hates how toxic la and the ppl are, deep down shes so addicted. shes so wrapped up in the lifestyle and lost w/o it. 

extra  tidbits

she’s  a  veggie  bc  # animals  r  friends  not  food  

she  likes  to  think  of  herself  as  pretty  down  to  earth  but  the  truth  is  that  she’s  never  really  experienced  the  life  of  an ordinary  person  so  ?  how  well  she  reacts  to  being  in  this  situation  is  questionable  

she’s  pretty  … wild  when  she  wants  to  be  .  ig  she’s  a mixture  of  a  bad  influence  and  the  mom  friend ???  skskks  she’ll  buy  rounds  of  shots  but  will  100%  be  the  person  to  hold  your  hair  back  at  the  end  of  the  night  . unless that bitch trashed lmao then nahh

bi  

She can’t trust people easily and is very reserved when it comes to trusting.

She’s an easy-going person and sometimes people confuse that with something more. 

stella doesn’t care about relationships, she already has a lot on her mind.

looks innocent and delicate but she’s not but she does use it in her favors to get herself out of trouble or to get what she wants

she’s an aries and she acts like one. she’s feisty and will literally fight u if she has to. 

can’t express her feelings and when she does she doesn’t do it correctly :/ she kinda just blows up. she has a fire in her and tends to burn herself (and others) because of it loves going to events where she can get trashed because she loves the feeling  of floating and like not existing almost and being carefree like she loves forgetting whatever on her mind bc she hates knowing whats going on

she has the lowest key of trust issues, insecurity issues, thats y she likes social media n her job so much bc it’s all a fake facade and she can capture the good looking moment instead of the uglie ones. for a minute she can believe that she’s happy even if her heart isn’t really there. fake it till u make it but how long is she gonna have to fake it??she acts like she’s on top of the world and like she’s carefree and like her heart is invincible and like she’s never been hurt, but her heart was never really whole to begin with tbh

connections

madison lim-devereaux: frenemies. they were wylin in california

anyone else ://// just wanna plot or whatevaaaa  

[dead-thorin]

everything im gonna write is gonna be concerning but it be like that and its really not concerning

for like months now i haven’t been ok. And like it’s gotten worse with the holidays and ive been so fucking angry and tired lol. like at first i was like its fine its ok, then i was like its the hormones it happens, then its the stress of finals and work but like its really not like i legit just dont want to be alive anymore im really tired of it. Like idk how to convey just how much i dont care anymore to be alive

1) I feel so fucking isolated here like i have friends but a majority of them are cis. And like the trans people i know? most of them on T are non binary which like valid, but they dont get the full extent. And like their families support them lmao and theres one person i could talk to but he doesnt seem to want to socialize much so i always feel awful thinking about hitting him up

and like i feel like my friends dont like me and i know thats not the case but also maybe it is!!! who fucking knows anymore!!!! i dont have time to talk to them bc im so busy at work and then i get home and immediately have to do more work and by the time im free this week theyll be home for break so like!!! fuck i guess!!! i saw one of my friends who i havent been able to see all semester and she said shed hit me up today and she hasnt and i know its cause she and another friend have to study and theyve been busy but in my mind its still “she fucking hates u!!! doesnt matter that she was so excited to see u and would definitely have no qualms in telling u to fuck off she hates u!!!”

2) no one listens to me lol like people listen to me when i rant, which is really helpful and i really appreciate and love that they do that bc emotional labor, but like in groups? i talk and people interrupt or dont hear what i say or disregard it and im like k. OR THEY THINK IM FUCKING JOKING LIKE THIS LEGIT IS SUCH A PROBLEM AND IVE HAD IT HAPPEN WITH SEVERAL PPL AND IDK WHAT TO DO. Like i physically say “im really not joking dont do that” AND THEY STILL THINK IM JOKING

and whenever i talk to people and they give me advice or just listen they do at least one thing. They either mention medicine, which again, valid, but i dont want to go back on medicine right now. But then they fucking push that shit and demand reasons why i dont want to like fuck u i dont have to explain shit to u i just dont want to. And/or it turns into me educating them and im just like great! i managed to do labor in this trying time! nice!

3) I cant talk to my therapist bc shell become concerned lol. i told her how i went to the labor looking for a book about the pros and cons of committing suicide and researched it and i had to talk for 10 minutes afterwards about the steps i was taking to help combat it but like i was legit scared to tell her in case she made me go into inpatient care lmao and this brings me to pt 4

4) theres like nothing here LMAOOOOOOO like no books at either library about stopping suicidal thoughts or helping depression or about family estrangement. I had to order books from different libraries to get something and theres a few that i got from the Libby app but like wtf lmao and theres no events during christmas and every volunteer thing? either i gotta fill out an application and do training which who knows how long thatll take or i need a car. Like there legit isnt anything here i did so much looking lmao like i have my hobbies but that wont make me leave the house

i talked to a professor about this shit too and he understands and stuff and told me to hit him up during break if i feel isolated but like I FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY FOR EVEN BREATHING LMAO LIKE WHAT hes got shit to do too and i know he has research going on so like doubt it

5) im gonna die alone at this pt and i know thats mad dramatic and also probably false but im like so conflicted about everything i feel with my gender and dating

like every time i like a man im like wow if i was a girl, this wouldnt be a problem and like being cis has more privileges than being trans but i know last time i dated in the closet it wasnt a good time SO

and every time i like a girl, im like she prob wont see me as a man or will be disappointed in my body or transition

and like no matter who im interested in, the same thought is always “they prob dont see me as a man and will misgender me, even unintentionally” like i know people who dont even know my birth name and have known my pronouns as he/him AND THEY STILL GET IT WRONG LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN DO ANYMORE TATTOO IT ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD 

theres a guy i currently like, whos so sweet like theres one incident that happened that i had me thinking damn.... hope hes into guys and single..... and like its kept me up thinking “oh man hes definitely str8 this fucking sucks if i was a girl i would probably have a shot” but like every time i toy with the idea of detransitioning (not in a serious way, but just like casually thinking of a scenario) my mind physically rejects it and is like “motherfucking do u wanna go back to THOSE shitty feelings??? really??? it was worse before!!” and i will definitely get over this crush, like im just lonely and its cuffing season, but it fucking sucks in the meantime like i feel like i cant date because im too nervous and scared to!!! im so scared they wont think im a man and i know thats not every person but like Jesus its enough that its a good possibility

6) this part is sad but i think i have to stop talking to my sister or at least give her limited info bc shes having her parents contact me through her and im not giving them shit so...

like she just texted asking when id be home and for the millionth time (BC NO ONE LISTENS TO ME) i said i wasnt going home, im never going home, stop asking and i know that its them asking her to ask me and they can honestly fuck themselves

like these are all problems that have solutions and i know the solutions but like im so tired of it lol im tired of having to deal with my family situation, im tired of being ignored and interrupted and not taken serious and having to explain my boundaries over and over and over again, im tired of not being able to talk to people for fear of getting hospitalized or interrupted or pushed onto meds, im tired of not having resources, im so tired of it all. Im so sick of being suicidal and not even being able to get out of bed and having to deal with being depressed and anxious and chronically ill fuck all of it

legitimately had to make a list of shit i could do over break so that i feel like i cant hurt myself until i finish it bc thats how my shit brain works. like i dont want to die but i also just dont want to deal with this anymore and i know itll get better in time but jesus fucking christ its been 8 damn years when does it actually get fully fucking good? its gotten better but more shit keeps coming up like yea i started hormones but now i dont have a fucking family anymore. 

Even if i didnt have this list i wouldnt do it bc 1) i dont want to do that to my closest friend and 2) im helping someone get out of an abusive situation. She has like no support, just one cousin whos there for her, but he doesnt have resources for her. Ive been listening to her and validating her and making sure she knows that a) this is the type of shit abusers do and b) shes not fucking crazy for thinking certain things!!! she really isnt and i get it so much so ive been gently giving her contacts from the beginning to help her and she finally left and is in a really delicate place. So like not exactly the best thing for me to suddenly be gone and id feel terrible if she had no one there for her

anyway this was a long post that can basically be summed up as i really want to fucking kill myself but i wont but also im suffering a lot

[chickenfetus]

Hey! so I've been crushing on this girl for about 3 years, and I really wanna tell her I like her and ask her out but I'm terrified of damaging/ losing our 10 years of friendship :-( others have asked if we are dating because we are so close and she always denies it and makes it clear that we are just platonic friends. However, 5 months ago she messaged someone and told them that she liked me :o (She's also openly Bi) should I ask her out and risk losing everything or keep my feelings to myself?

HELloO!!! sorry im replying so late i was busy with schoolwork :^( also im really sorry if im replying Too late jhfghdggdhg 

just a disclaimer: i dont know how good/useful my advice will be because ive had positive experiences when i confessed to my crushes so it might differ !! 

more under cut!!

first of all, i think youre amazing?? the fact that youve had a crush on her for THREE years is ??? wrow u  r braver than any us marine and i think its sweet youve liked her for so long!! also!! its cool that you guys have been friends for TEN?? years???? and i can see why youre worried about confessing!!

i think the reason she denies it when ppl ask is bc well. its not true so its not like she can say Yeah We’re Dating dhhdjdh BUt it might also be for your sake?? mayhaps she doesnt want to make you uncomfortable bc she doesnt know how you feel!! so id say dont take to heart too much!

now for the most important part: confessing. i know its fuCKing scary to confess to someone, because you dont know how the other person will react but i believe that confessing is better than not doing anything at all 

for me, im someone whos confessed to almost all of my crushes, for girls, i make sure theyre not straight before confessing because GOD KNOWS how confessing to a straight  girl will end up lmao... frankly speaking none of my crushes actually liked me back long enough for us 2 start dating, and even if they did im afraid of relationships so nothing ever happened 

HOWEVER im still good friends with the two girls ive confessed to, and i think as someone who knows you very well, your friend won’t like. ghost you because thatd be terrible. of course i’d understand creating some distance for a short period of time if you confess but i doubt she’d stop talking to you forever, seeing as youve been friends for ten years!! 

its also a big plus that shes openly bi!!!! i dont rly know how she’ll react for sure, but despite that i’d say give it a shot! maybe confess first, before asking her out. see how she reacts first! i think anybody would be flattered that somebody likes them! !!! i wont touch on the her telling someone she likes you part because i dont know how reliable that information is.,, 

another thing -- dont get your hopes up. i know that part might’ve  given you some encouragement but remember, its been 5 months dont go confessing because you KNOW she likes you back, confess because you WANT her to know about your feelings. dont expect a relationship right after confessing, because how you react to her response matters!! naturally its okay to feel down bc she doesnt like u back but DONT say “i thought you liked me!” because thats placing expectations on your friend and it might make her feel guilty if you react really badly

though i trust that you know why you’re confessing to her !! i know you want to ask her out but let’s save that for after she’s responded and as much as possible try to hold the conversation in real life so you can observe her body language (but dont get too overly conscious of it!) 

go in with an open mind, and believe in her. she wouldn’t let this ruin your friendship and if she rejects you, own it. if she rejects you, give up on her, you spent three years pining for her, now you can move on after like. getting that closure?? 

OF COURSE if its requited then thatd be fantastic, and ill be happy for you!!! i wish you all the best, and hope all turns out in your favour! (be it she returns your feelings or the outcome of your friendship) 

if the friendship does get ruined, it wont be on you because its not like you can help who you fall for, and i think you’re once again, super brave for considering confessing!! 

tldr; dont keep your feelings to yourself, tell her! no matter what happens, it wont be as bad as you think!! have faith in yourself and her, in the event something doesn’t work out, don’t forget how you tried!! no regrets okay anon?? i love you and you’re amazing! if youve already confessed and asked her out, tell me how it went! 

ALSO if you would like more opinions on what to do,, you can ask my friend falen but shes on s/h so she might take some time to respond and idk how often she gets on tumblr nowadays but i have another friend chloe who could be of help too!! 

ALL THE BEST ANON!! you can do it!