#homework? nah. writing a youtube comment so long it cant be posted and has to be split into three different comments??? YEAH

[emorishh]

literally all i need in life is for kids to think that i’m cool. literally all i fucking need is twelve year olds to laugh at my vine references and think i’m the coolest adult ever.

i’m literally so fucking far from the definition of an adult at this moment like. everyone my age knows how to function and is all like “look at me i can leave my dorm without panicking! look at me get groceries on a regular basis!” like no fuck that im so poorly adjusted bc my add wasn’t treated until my senior year in high school and now i’m fuckin struggling to take showers every couple of days let alone do my fuckin homework.

like fUCK all i need is to be liked by middle schoolers and children because they’re all so fucking valid and i just want them to think i’m cool so i can teach them and guide them and shit. all the validation i need comes from an eight year old gasping at my art because “wow it’s so pretty!!!”. like fuck yeah dude it sure is and i’m gonna start CRYING cuz ur just a bapy and i love u so much.

just like. fuck this adult bullshit i want the joy and simplicity of being best friends with a bunch of tweens doing some shit adults think is “cringey”. like. FUCK. ngl. just briefly, just to remind myself what it feels like. just briefly i wanna go back to when i was thirteen and i was able to actually write because i wasn’t stopped by crippling self doubt and executive dysfunction and all this weight pushing me into the mattress of my bed, the mattress with sheets i haven’t washed in weeks because doing a simple task is the equivalent of standing at the bottom of a mountain looking up.

i want to tell kids and young teens that life is really cool, and yeah it’ll be a dick sometimes, but things get better even if they get worse first. i want to make sure they don’t make the same mistakes i made. i want to encourage them in the ways i should’ve been encouraged, in the ways that WORK. not in the ways that just make me feel worse about everything. i want to tell every growing kid that yes, their problems ARE real and valid, and holy shit, PLEASE go to a psychiatrist, because the mental illness you think you have is definitely a mental illness you actually have. i want to tell them that self diagnosis is the first step in a real official medical diagnosis. i want to tell them that anyone who tells you to stop self diagnosing because they think you want to be “special” can and should FUCK OFF.

i want to tell them to get help sooner rather than later, i want to tell them that the bare minimum is better than nothing at all, i want to tell them that you’re RIGHT to say that adults aren’t always right, because adults are WRONG, like, a LOT. I want to tell them that being older is practically the exact same as being a kid, except you just know more. being an adult does not grant you access to infinite knowledge and understanding. being an adult is just being a kid with way more responsibilities and a lot more knowledge. being an adult does not mean you instantly know what you’re doing and can function normally in society, because fuck, SO many of us have NO IDEA what we’re doing, and we’re SCARED. i want to make sure they KNOW that adults are struggling too, that so many of us are panicking just like they are.

i don’t really have a great conclusion to this post. i just. FUCK. like. i just wanna be friends with kids because they’re so cool and it’s the best feeling ever when they think IM cool. cuz like, so many ppl my age know how to do stuff, and have like. jobs and friends and events they go to. and i just. i’m poorly adjusted and immature. and most of that has to do with the adhd that went untreated for the large majority of my life, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t valid.

that doesn’t mean it’s separate from my personality.

cuz like i’m hyper and immature and awkward and weird and childish and chaotic as fuck and a lot of that stems from my untreated adhd. that shit caused my social development to basically become non existent.

i read books in class, i read books at recess, i read books during lunch. i loved to play with kids my age when we were playing tag or making sand castles or playing make believe games. but then everyone started wanting to talk instead of run around on the playground and i was alone and there was no more tag. no more easy way to connect with my peers in a way that didn’t involve talking to them. because when i talked to them it was awkward. i wanted to talk about mermaids and climbing trees and how cool the characters are in these awesome books i’m reading.

i just.

ugh.

life is hard and i’m not doing good. i want to help kids in the ways that i could’ve been helped as a kid, but wasn’t.

and also, going back to the very first point i made in this post, like, disregarding all the serious stuff...

having kids think you’re cool is THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD.

anyways thank you for coming to my ted talk, if you read all of that you’re braver than any us marine, and holy shit, if you’re reading this and you suspect you might have a mental illness but you’re not sure... YOU HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS PLEASE GET HELP BECAUSE EVEN IF ITS NOT THE ONE YOU THINK IT IS ITS DEFINITELY SOMETHING THAT WILL MESS U UP LATER IN LIFE IF U DONT GET HELP RN

okay i’m gonna stop typing now HAIL AND FAREWELL MY DUDES AND DON’T FORGET TO LIKE SHARE AND SUBSCRIBE UWU